Top 24: Girls Quasi-Recap

Dude, I totally fell asleep during the show last night. Knocked out cold. Could it be, oh I don't know, all the lullabies those broads were singing? This lineup is more effective than any Ambien, let me tell you.

And away we go (partially)...

Kristy Lee Cook
That was pretty bad but the poor girl looked like she was hit by a truck. Still, I don't think the flu sympathy vote will be enough to save her. Sorry, Kristy, but you'll soon be singing "Amazing Grace" -- sans horse -- elsewhere.

Joanne Borgella
Hudson County represent! My girl's from Hoboken, a can of Aqua Net's-throw from where I grew up. I think she has a great voice. Not that you could tell from her song choice last night. Not good, Joanne.

And I'm with Jess, Papa Borgella had a murderous look in his eyes when Simon ripped his daughter to shreds. I'm usually on board with the Cowell but he was a right douche to her last night.

Alaina Whitaker
Good, I guess. This is when the eyelids started to get a bit droopy.

Amanda Overmyer
I didn't hate this as much as Jess did but that's not to say I liked it either. Amanda scares me and as such, I'm afraid she'll run me down on her chopper if I'm too harsh. So I'm just going to leave it at that.

Amy Davis
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

Brooke White
The thing that struck me most about this was Paula telling Brooke how original she was... after she sang the very same song David Cook sang the night before. I don't know. I was downright punchy at this point of the program and that thought seemed really, "Whooooooooooooooooa!" and all profound last night. Fifteen hours later? Not so much.

Alexandrea Lushington
It didn't suck. Also, I hope Alexandrea doesn't have a drinking problem with that last name of hers. Far.too.easy.

Kady Malloy
Like Jess, I loathe this song. Mostly, it brings back memories of high school dances when the DJ would bring my fun to a grinding halt by trotting out the Phil Collins version of this song. All the sappy couples would get up to slow dance and I, and my unfortunate mullet, would sit off on the side scowling and feeling all persecuted.

But I digress. I like Kady. I think she's funny. Last night, however, I think she tried to shoehorn herself into a format that she mistakenly thought the judges would like. If given another shot, I believe she'll come out swinging much to everyone's surprise and delight.

Asia'h Epperson
And this, my friends, is where I was full-on snoring. No offense to Asia'h. I'm a fan of hers. It's her predecessors that primed me for a full-on coma though. So, blame them for this half-assed recap.

Predictions: Kristy Lee Cook and Amy Davis are gonzo.

Top 24 Recap: The Ladies

More Ryan Seacrest bullshit about the best talent pool ever. I wish he'd just be honest and say it gets worse every year, but that he and Simon are going to flirt with each other even more to make up for it. Also, who keeps doing that to Paula's hair? That person should be fired immediately.

Kristy Lee Cook: "Rescue Me" (Aretha Franklin)
I believe we have this season's Haley Scarnato. Let's see if she stays around long enough to wear a scrunchie for a skirt. Terrible song choice, although she sounded pretty good at the end.

Joanne Borgella: "I Say a Little Prayer" (Dionne Warwick)
Joanne is really pretty. And extremely likeable. That said, I thought the song kind of swallowed her -- I'm not sure if it's her fault or the arrangement, but it didn't work for me. Simon was really harsh on her, I think, but she handled it like a champ. Her parents were super pissed, though. Cowell better watch his back.

Alaina Whitaker: "More Today Than Yesterday" (Spiral Staircase)
Would those one-armed shirts just die already? She did a good job. No snark here. She'll get her 17th birthday present.

Amanda Overmyer: "Baby, Please Don't Go" (Van Morrison)
I hated that. She seemed unsure of herself, she was all over the place, and the band totally drowned out her vocals. She's on the wrong show -- she should sign up for the next season of Rock Star. She won't win, but at least I won't have to listen to her anymore. Why do the judges like her so much? I don't get it.

Amy Davis: "Where the Boys Are" (Connie Francis)
What does a trade show model do? What kind of trade shows? Is it different from being a regular model? I need to know more. She seemed stoned, like she and all of her friends were passing around a joint and then this song came on and she was all, "Shit, man, I love this song" and her friends were all, "Sing it, dude. Sing it." And then she did. And everyone was all, "Cool."

Brooke White: "Happy Together" (The Turtles)
The Alleged Mormon wore an awful lot of makeup. I like Brooke a lot, but I didn't love her singing this song. It sounded whiny at times, and the end bit was downright annoying. She'll have a chance to bring it back next week, I'm sure. Also, I want to try whatever hair product she uses, provided it fits into an unemployed girl's budget.

Alexandrea Lushington: "Spinning Wheel" (Blood, Sweat and Tears)
I didn't love the falsetto, but then again, I never do. She was good. I dig her.

Kady Malloy: "Groovy Kind of Love" (The Mindbenders)
I hate this song with the fire of a thousand suns. She looks like about four famous actresses mashed together: Dominique Swain, Jessica Biel, ScarJo, and that chick who played Paige on the new Degrassi. And I spent so much time thinking of all that during her performance that I missed it entirely, but it was even boring in the background.

Asia'H Epperson: "Piece of My Heart" (Janis Joplin)
I was worried about this, but I actually liked it a lot. She totally made it her own, and I thought it worked really well.

Ramiele Malubay: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" (Dusty Springfield)
I love her voice, and she's adorable. 'Nuff said.

Syesha Mercado: "Tobacco Road" (The Nashville Teens)
I like her when she isn't yelly -- I especially like her lower register. If she can keep that screamy nonsense in check, she could go pretty far this season. I also admire her accessorizing skills, as not many people can rock a loud scarf and busy earrings so consistantly.

Carly Smithson: "The Shadow of Your Smile" (Tony Bennett)
Not to be all xenophobic and whatnot, but should people from other countries be allowed to win AMERICAN Idol? I mean, what's the average American to do when foreigners and D-list celebrities start stealing our reality television spots away from us? Also, if you took that seriously and got offended, you should probably be reading another blog. I was with Simon on this one. I expected something more.

Favorite: Asia'H Epperson

Least favorite: Amanda Overmyer

Going home: Amy Davis and Kady Malloy

Good night y'all. I'll fix all the typos tomorrow. xoxo, jess

More Top 24: Boys

The good news is, I lost my job, which means more time for Midol! Here we go:

David Hernandez
By the time I got to the end of the show, I couldn't even remember it.

Chikezie
Ditto on everything Curly said, plus, nice zoot suit, dude. He looks like he'd sidle up to me in a dimly-lit lounge and say, "If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?"

David Cook
Word on what Curly said about Alice in Chains. Blasphemy! Despite the fact that he looks like that accountant in your office who plays in a cover band on the weekends, I actually thought his performance was interesting. I would say I loved it, but I didn't hate it. And trust me, I wanted to.

Jason Yeager
Now this I actually wanted to like. He seems like such a nice fella, and he fathered a kid when he was like 12, and he just seems so shiny and happy. But the whole thing was very high school talent show. I do hope he makes it through another week and improves, though.

Two asides. This is the gayest season of Idol, ever, what with all of the confirmed gays, probably gays and maybe gays. I love it. Also, Paula was wasted, what will all the babbling and eye closing and head shaking. Yay!

Robbie Carrico
I dug it. I can't help it. But he needs to stop copping Bret Michaels' look, for real. I agree with Simon about not trusting the "authenticity," though. And his being all, "I'm a rocker because I wear a bandana!" thing didn't help, either.

David Archuleta
Look, I think the kid is adorable and he has a great voice, but I just did not get that at all. I pretty much hated it. Also, I am disturbed by Curly's hatred of Bindi Irwin.

The next batch isn't worth paragraph form. Danny Noriega needs to pick a better song next time. Luke Menard is very cute, but boring. I loved Colton Berry's Ellen Degeneres joke, but he'd be much better on Broadway.

Garrett Haley
He looks like this musical theater dude I dated for awhile. I want to shave his upper lip real bad. His song wasn't that great, but he has two things going for him: a great attitude and the pre-teen girl vote.

Jason Castro
I love him. LOVE him. He is gorgeous and talented and humble and I want to spend hours playing with his dreads and staring into his eyes on a blanket in the middle of a field, where I eat berries we just picked in our bare feet while he plays guitar and sings a song he wrote for me the night before. Not that I've given this any thought or anything. Seriously, though. I couldn't stop smiling while he was performing. He's awesome.

Michael Johns
I wish he'd done a song we hadn't already seen him perform during Hollywood Week. He's starting to feel a little one-note for me. And his scarf hurts me.

My favorite so far: Jason Castro

Least favorite: Chikezie

Going home: Luke Menard and David Hernandez

Top 24: Boys Recap

Oy. Tonight's show was not exactly the most promising way to kick off this next phase of the competition. Hopefully now that the first show is out of the way, the kids will stop soiling themselves long enough to scrape together a respectable effort. Let's see how they did, shall we?

David Hernandez
Performed: "In the Midnight Hour" by Wilson Pickett

The song was fine but, truthfully, I was totally distracted by how much David's... father, I guess? looks like Phil Margera. Uncanny. I wonder if David wakes him up in the middle of the night and kicks the shit out of him. Yeah, probably not.

Chikeze
Performed: "More Today Than Yesterday" by The Spiral Starecase

Wow, that was rough. It started out really low and just never got better. Yet, Randy and Paula fawned all over it. I felt redeemed when Simon criticized the song and then quickly incensed when Chikeze got super cheeky and eye-rolly. I was trying not to go there but after that hissy fit?! Well, that behavior, my friends, just earned Chikeze a new nickname from me on this blog: Fat Alfonso Ribeiro. Please make note.

David Cook
Performed: "So Happy Together" by The Turtles

Dear David,
You simply cannot rock a mic stand when you have three backup singers behind you cheerfully chirping "Bah bah bah bah bah bah!" Douche.

Sincerely,
Curly

P.S. Tell Randy that if ever compares you to Alice in Chains again, I'll twirl that mic stand right up his ass. Sideways. Thanks!

Jason Yeager
Performed: "Moon River" by Andy Williams

A quick reenactment of my reaction to this song:
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. OMG, is his son wearing a wig? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Robbie Carrico
Performed: "One" by Three Dog Night

Well, that blew. Seriously. I don't get the praise heaped on him by all three judges. He may very well be this year's Constantine for me. I hated that fucker from the get-go and my stance did not soften. Robbie and his dramatic finger pointing and gesturing bullshit are headed in the same direction.

David Archuleta
Performed: "Shop Around" by The Miracles

Careful, David... you're quickly venturing into creepy Bindi Irwin territory. I used to think she was cute and now? Well, frankly, I want to kick her in the face. If you don't dial it down a bit, you too will be eating my kicks tout de suite.

Danny Noriega
Performed: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis

Question: Should a skinny, slight gay boy like Danny REALLY be singing about prison?

Luke Menard
Performed: "Everybody's Talking at Me" by Harry Nilsson

Pack your hoodie and go, Luke. You bore me. And the rest of America too, I'm guessing.

Colton Berry
Performed: "Suspicious Minds" by Elvis

For some reason, I want to like Colton. I guess I feel bad that his achievement was sort of overshadowed last week by Simon's loving ode to the just-ousted Kyle. Colon got a luke-warm congratulations and then the rest of the time was spent fawning of Arvid Engen's younger brother.

Colton, do me a solid here and stop, you know, sucking. It will make things easier on the both of us.

Garrett Haley
Performed: "Breaking up Is Hard to Do" by Neil Sedaka

Do you know what's even harder, Garrett? Keeping my eyes open during your song.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Daydream" by The Lovin' Spoonful

He's so pretty. I think I found my boyfriend for the season.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Light My Fire" by The Doors

Things got a little screamy as the song progressed but it didn't blow, I guess. Can you tell I'm running out of things to say?

Predictions: Buh-bye, Luke Menard and Jason Yeager.

Kyle Ensley Warms My Cold, Dead Heart

Last night, at my hippie culinary school, I took a macrobiotics class. We learned all about the mind/body/soul connection, and the tenants for living your best life. I rode the subway home from class being in a very Zen-like, Kumbaya sort of mood, pondering what it would take to be a nicer, better version of myself, and vowing to change my life starting immediately. Why am I telling you this? Because it's the only explanation for what happened to me last night. I cried, y'all. And not because sucktards like David Cook and Amanda Overmyer were put through, either. It was because of nerdlet Kyle Ensley.

Melissa and Curly are no doubt going to take me to task for this one. I was touched. First, when they showed the flashback of Simon telling him post-Hollywood audition that he really thought people would like him, and then showing us what got cut off the first time we saw that clip; Simon saying, "I wish I had some of what you have." Man, when Simon is touched by something, I am touched-squared, and I don't mean that in a dirty way.

When they told him he wasn't going through, my God! Have you ever seen a more gracious rejectee? He didn't cry, or storm out. He was all smiles, and was thankful he had gotten as far as he did instead of disappointed that he didn't get further. I found it really beautiful to watch. Not to get too corny, but there's this whole notion of "gratitude," in macrobiotic theory, and Kyle Ensley has it in spades.

Clearly I was riding a macrobiotic high, because I also felt bad for cult kid Josiah Leming. I know!

Rest assured I was not without my bitchy moments, though. David Cook? Nice cropped sweater vest and pink tie, asshat. And Paula was some sort of drunk Munchhausen Mom last night, all "I'm going to make the kids cry so then I can hug them and they will looooooove meeeeeee!" And that's all I have to say on the bitchy front! What the hell is wrong with me? Oh wait -- I look forward to Colton Berry getting voted off so I can deface his creepy white eyelashes on The Grid.

I need to go watch some 30-Minute Meals to fill me back up with hate. I'll be in top bitchface form next week, I promise.