Top 10: Recap

Tonight's show had the contestants singing songs from the year they were born. At one point, I was all, "Duh, why not just make the theme be 1987?!" since it seemed everyone was born that year. Alas, I was wrong. Dude, David Archuleta was born in 1990. That means, he's the same age as my friend's son... the friend who had to miss the prom because she was, you know, giving birth. Crazy.

But, once again, enough about me and on with the show...

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "Alone" by Heart (1987)

When will these kids learn? DON'T TOUCH THIS SONG. EVER! Why? I'll tell you why. Actually, scratch that... I'll show you why! Behold!

Just look at wee Carrie Underwood all "aw shucks" and Okie-d out before the song and then she takes the stage and HOT DAMN, that vocal is a thing of a magic. Even Nancy and Ann Wilson gave her their blessing by performing the song with her. That song is officially marked. No one else best come sniffing around it again. Capiche, Ramiele?

Randy and Simon agreed and quickly smacked Ramiele down. Paula dissented and told Ramiele she was "really sick" which I think was a compliment? Not sure. Whatever, it sucked and Ramiele is in danger, girl.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Fragile" by Sting (1987)

Happy Birthday, Jason! I really like what he did with this song. He was back with the guitar which suits him well. I think he's way more comfortable when using it. Randy and Paula thought he played it safe. Simon wasn't at all impressed and told Jason to take the competition more seriously. Jason's response? A half-hearted promise to do so and his trademark goofy grin. God, I love him.

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "If I Was Your Woman" by Stephanie Mills (1987)

She's starting to work my nerves. Her singing is okay but her pre-performance interviews really make me want to punch her in the face. I can't say much about her performance because I was too busy playing with a flashlight pen I got from Yahoo. It's so cool! It projects a Bat Symbol-like Y! on the wall. Intriguing!

Um, what was I saying? Oh, right. Syesha's song... Randy and Paula gushed. Simon told her there was a "limit on [her] vocal" and the song "strained it a bit." Again, I was distracted by a shiny object -- literally -- so I don't have much of an opinion but I'll err on the side of logic and sanity and say I agree with Simon.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "If Only for One Night" by Luther Vandross (1985)

Man, I hated this. In my notes, I wrote the word "boring" with a lot of extra Os. Imagine my surprise when Randy issued the same critique. He even elongated the first syllable. Shocking! I think I'm more disturbed when Randy echoes my opinions than when Paula does.

Paula fawned over the performance but Simon wasn't impressed. After several weeks of exuberant performances and major image repair, Chikezie shot it all to shit by getting defensive when Simon took him to task for being cheesy by reaching into the audience and working the crowd. He got all pissy and said, "That's who I'm singing it for! I'm sorry!"

You're not sorry, Fat Alfonso Ribeiro, and I predict that bit of cheekiness will land your ass in the Bottom Three.

Brooke White
Performed: "Every Breath You Take" by The Police (1983)

Good thing Brooke's likable. She totally missed her cue from Ryan to start the song and then when she did, she stopped and started over. But she recovered nicely and delivered a solid performance. Randy and Simon didn't like that midway through, the band joined in on Brooke's solo piano and sped up the tempo. Paula offered somewhat restrained praise.

At this point, I turned my attention from the flashlight to doodling palm trees in the margins of my notebook. These 90-minute shows and my short attention span are just not compatible.

Michael Johns
Performed: "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions" by Queen (1978)

This had great potential to be corny but Michael really worked it out. Also, his knee-bending and mic-handling histrionics were somewhat limited tonight which was a nice change. Of course, there's a chance I missed them because I had a wee giggle fit during the song because I remembered how I used to change the lyrics to: "And we'll keep on farting 'til the end." I always thought I was heeeee-larious whenever I did that. And by whenever, I mean just last week.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler (1983)

I thought this was awesome, save for the last note which was all over the place. Up until that point, I thought it was a controlled, masterful performance of a tough song to sing. Of course, I'm basing the level of difficulty on my own attempts to sing this song which, believe you me, have not been successful. Whoever said that everyone sounds good in the shower is a lying sack of crap.

Paula gave Carly pretty good grades but Randy and Simon were unfairly harsh. Poor Carly looked stunned up there. I really don't know why they were so hard on her. It's okay, Carly, I voted for you. Go raibh maith agat!

David Archuleta
Performed: "You're the Voice" by John Farnham (1990)

It was a decent vocal but the lyrics were so earnest and, you know, uplifting that my hardened, cynical ass couldn't help but squirm. Randy and Paula both thought it was nice but Simon redeemed himself from his earlier Carly assassination by characterizing David's performance as something out of a theme park. If I had to guess, that theme park would have been Heritage USA.

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood (1984)

She's crafty, that Kristy Lee Cook. Given the subject matter, it's really hard to pick on her for poor song choice. Also, I'm pretty certain that this is her go-to up-tempo song in her limited canon. When the situation calls for a ballad, she dusts off "Amazing Grace," but for all other occasions, she's proud to be an American. Well played, Kristy Lee Cook.

All three judges praised it highly with Simon predicting that it was good enough to keep her in the competition. Then again, no big surprise there since Kristy Lee is the new Vote for the Worst pick.

David Cook
Performed: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson (1982)

Because David has been given credit for lifted arrangements week after week, Ryan finally cited the source for tonight's variation on a well-known song: Chris Cornell. Apparently, Randy, Paula and Simon all had shit in their ears when Ryan did that because they still fell all over themselves telling David how "original" and "brilliant" and "brave" and "amazing" he was.

That's such horse shit!!!! He's a good cover artist! He's not a musical genius of motherfucking Prince-like proportions. He's a good mimic but so is Rich Little, for fuck's sake! If this keeps up, I WILL have an aneurysm.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Ramiele Malubay, Chikezie and Kristy Lee Cook
Going Home: Toss-up between Ramiele and Chikezie. I'll say Ramiele because she totally pissed me off with her "It went bye-bye" baby talk when asked about her voice. Retard. Be gone!

Top 11: Results

I could lie and tell you that I knew exactly who was going to be sent home tonight but I'd be a lying sack of shit if I did that. I never actually posted my predictions this week but had I done so, I would have once again waved buh-bye to Kristy Lee Cook. I would have also predicted that Syesha and Ramiele would be sitting alongside her in the Stools o' Shame nervously awaiting their fate. Had I done so, my average would have sunken lower than... uh... you know, something really low. But I didn't go on record so my average stays the same... which isn't saying much.

And now, on with the show...

Ryan opens the show by planting yet another big wet one on the collective Beatles ass and then segues into a promo for the other notable names who will loom large this season. Serving as mentors in upcoming episodes, we can expect: Dolly "Can't See Her Shoes Either" Parton, Mariah Carey, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Neil Diamond.

Oh man, the Andrew Lloyd Webber show is going to be a complete cheese fest. Ten bucks says David Cook will pick something from Jesus Christ Superstar. I further predict that the girls will seriously duke it out over which one gets to sing "Memory" from Cats. The fur, as they say, will fly.

Next up was the horrendous medley portion of the program where we heard snippets of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," "Here, There and Everywhere," "Because" and "The End." During Kristy Lee Cook's brief solo, the camera jerked violently to the left totally robbing her of precious face time. I thought for sure it was a sign of things to come. Sigh.

Right before the commercial, there's a shot of previous also-rans Kevin Covais and John Peter Lewis clapping it up in the audience. Kevin grew out his hair and was sporting some thick-framed glasses. He sort of looks like that yelly dude in the commercials who wears a suit with all those question marks on it and really wants you to buy his book so you can figure out how to claim money the government supposedly owes you. Yeah, him.

After the commercial, we're face with the first bit of annoying padding to help fill out the hour -- a replay of songs from the previous night. Finally, Ryan cut to the chase and started announcing the results:

Brooke White = Safe
Carly Smithson = Bottom Three! Whoa, so not expecting that!
David Archuleta = Duh, safe
Michael Johns = Safe

More padding: Behind the scenes of the Ford video shoot. I find these things insipid so I'm not going to comment any further than the song was "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash.

More results, thank God...

David Cook = Safe. Fuck it all to hell.
Kristy Lee Cook = Bottom Three
Jason Castro = Safe... and sooooooooooo adorable
Ramiele Malubay = Safe

Then it was time for toothless, mind-numbing questions from the viewers. Oh why oh why can't one of Howard Stern's regulars get through? Can a bitch get a "Babbabooey!" up in here? Instead, we have to suffer through bullshit about iTunes downloads and staged kisses between Paula and Simon. I've seen beauty pageant questions with more bite.

Up next, Kellie Pickler performed "Red High Heels." It went a little something like this:

Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Red High Heels. Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Yodelaaayheehooo. Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Red High Heels. Twang-a-twang-a-twang.

BEGIN SINCERE/SAPPY ALERT!
Ryan briefs us on this year's Idol Gives Back (April 9) and then rolls some footage of Fantasia and Elliott Yamin in Angola, where they visited with locals and helped distribute mosquito nets. Thanks to the contributions from last year's effort, Idol Gives Back was able to distribute 8 million nets in Africa.

In a really touching scene, Elliott got super choked up after he learned that a baby boy was given his name because local custom dictates that newborns be named after visitors. That got me ::right here::.
END SINCERE/SAPPY ALERT!

Back to the results...

Syesha Mercado = Safe
Amanda Overmyer = Bottom 3! Totally unexpected yet awesome!
Fat Alfonso Ribeiro = Safe

Carly, Kristy and Amanda assembled in the center of the stage where Carly was quickly put out of her misery and released to the safety of the Top 10 couch. No surprise there. I think it's safe to say that Carly will never ever again compare herself to a dead bird or whatever while America is watching. Lesson learned.

It's down to Kristy and Amanda and while I hate Amanda, I think she has more of a right to be there than Kristy but then I had a sickening feeling in my stomach that Kristy's sympathy vote would swing hard and kick Amanda right square in the ass and sure enough, it did! Amanda Overmyer, with the voice that suggests she could use a good stool softener and an affinity for wearing Kevin Dubrow's pants, is outta here!

And that settles that. Here are your Season 7 Top 10:

1. David Archuleta
2. Jason Castro
3. Chikezie
4. David Cook
5. Kristy Lee Cook
6. Michael Johns
7. Ramiele Malubay
8. Syesha Mercado
9. Carly Smithson
10. Brooke White

Top 10 Recap II: Electric Boogaloo

Even though Jess already brought you all a killer recap and we agree on many, many points (two huge ones in particular, both belonging to LaKisha), there are a few issues on which we part ways. Without further ado, here's my take on the proceedings:

Wow, is it just me or is Gwen Stefani a bit of a social retard when she's not on stage singing and thrashing about in ridiculous outfits most of us with good vision and a shred of self-respect wouldn't be caught dead in?

Perhaps she was the victim of editing but in her interactions with the Top 10, Gwen didn't seem all that warm nor engaged with the contestants. Lulu was totally eating that shit up last week and she sent the girls on their way with sound advice and a shot of confidence whereas Gwen showed little-to-no interest in shepherding them. Maybe Gwen was just bummed that the finalists weren't Japanese and she couldn't exploit their culture and dress them in slutty Catholic school uniforms.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Last Dance" by Donna Summer
That was good but not all that compelling. LaKisha's proven herself as a powerhouse vocalist but her performance was sort of mechanical and devoid of emotion. The most memorable thing about LaKisha tonight? THOSE BREASTS. LaKisha ain't really my type but oooh lawdy, I wouldn't mind setting up play date with those girls.

Chris Sligh
Performed "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police
Chris is really starting to get under my skin. When he stands before the judges, he has a tendency to be too agreeable when they criticize him. I know I took him to task for the Teletubbies crack in the early rounds, but really, I prefer the smart-ass Chris over the current version any day.

Now he just nods and agrees with everything the judges say in between making excuses and explaining his choices. He also occasionally affects a look that says, "Look at me absorbing and pondering what the judges are saying." And good God, he even scratches his chin sometimes! I know he's trying to be the good guy but it's kind of gross, actually. Bring back the old Chris. Now.

Gina Glocksen
Performed "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders
Gina done good. Even though I've pissed on her quite a bit this season, I will give credit where credit is due. Was it a showstopper of Carrie-Underwood-Singing-"Alone" proportions? Well, no, but Gina turned in a memorable performance just the same.

The judges all went gaga over Gina and even crotchety Simon lavished her with praise. "Your transformation from three or four weeks ago to tonight is literally chalk and cheese," Cowell stated.

Because Randy is a barely functional retard with a vocabulary limited to about twelve words and phrases, he couldn't wrap his compromised brain around Simon's phrase so he sat there squawking and belaboring an unfunny exchange with Ryan Seacrest about pairing wine with cheese, not chalk, or some stupid shit like that.

While it's not an expression I've ever uttered, I did the rather rudimentary math and figured it out. It's a pretty quick conversion if you have, say, one functioning brain cell. Randy's just a dumb ass. However, if you're similarly stumped, click here to figure out what Simon meant.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Bath Water" by No Doubt
Not even wasting my time with a critique of that bullshit. Instead, let's once again focus on the hair, which I no longer want to brush, FYI...

Haley Scarnato
Performed "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper
What the hell did she do to this song? Why'd she have go and cheese it up beyond recognition? Oh right, because she sucks. Haley (and her annoyingly loud friends in the audience who insisted on yelling over the judges) are done.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Every Breath You Take" by The Police
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to break with my usual style and present my response to Phil's performance in a real time/Kerouac-like/stream-of-consciousness/punctuation-eschewing format:

Oh my God, creepy Phil is being asked a viewer question which means more camera time for him and more rocking in the fetal position for me and oh my God he's singing the creepiest stalker song ever, that freak, Jesus, I can't believe he chose this song... oh, but wait, wait a minute... say, this isn't so bad, actually and his voice is quite nice and ooh he's actually following the lone piece of useful advice Gwen dished out tonight and he's simply sticking to the melody without getting all yelly and screamy and nope, this doesn't suck one bit.

And, exhale! See how I went from truly terrified to all nice and complimentary? Miracles do happen, kids!

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Heaven Knows" by Melinda Doolittle
At this point, it's a given that Melinda's going to kick the song's ass so let's just go ahead and slap her with another "Awesome!" and move on to her outfit. Simon hated it. I wouldn't go that far but I did take note of it in my big yellow legal pad when Melinda took the stage. "I don't think that's the proper silhouette for her frame," I observed.

I learned that term by watching "Project Runway" and I felt all fancy using it. Ditto for "flavor profiles," which I learned courtesy of "Top Chef," although, admittedly, I didn't take any notes last night about Melinda's flavor profiles because, well, we're looking at and listening to Melinda, not eating her. And other than "Tastes like chicken," I'm not really sure what else I could possibly say about a human's flavor profiles.

Wait, what was my point again?

Blake Lewis
Performed "Love Song" by The Cure
Okay, while they may Jess's number two band, The Cure is most definitely at the top of my list so I may get a bit feisty in the next couple of paragraphs. When Seacrest announced at the beginning of the show that a contestant was tackling a Cure song, I knew right away that it would be Blake. And I knew that mofo was going to pick "Love Song" and I knew he was going to give it the 311 treatment. I'm tired of him getting credit for being fresh and original. He's not! Fuck Paula! Girlfriend earned a high Level o' Crazy number from me tonight merely because she gushed over the "originality" of this shit. It was NOT original. Don't credit Blake for the arrangement. He merely copied what's already been done, somewhat poorly by 311.

This is the same bullshit praise heaped on Taylor last season when he aped Michael McDonald's song stylings and Joe Cocker's spaz-outs and was lauded as "unique" and "original." Last time I checked, that shit was called celebrity impersonation, not originality. If this keeps up, I'm withdrawing my votes for all the current contestants and throwing my support behind Rich Little.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Hey Baby" by No Doubt
It's a pleasure to watch Jordin, and not just because I think she's cute. She's having fun. And like Simon said, she's getting more confident as the weeks go by. However, she's not surrendering any of her humility or charm as a result. I didn't love the vocal but then again, that song doesn't really demand much of one. She worked the attitude and the sassy outfit all over the stage and didn't embarrass herself in the process. That's my girl.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Don't Speak" by No Doubt
Randy liked Chris's "flavor" and Paula looked all creepy as she cooed, "You're good, Chris, you're good. Just good." I'm not entirely sure she was referring to his singing. Gross. Simon, on the other hand, didn't dig it. And, for once, I have to disagree with him. I actually think Chris did a good job with this song. He's had trouble in the past trying to yank notes up, down, left and right often to awkward effect. But tonight, he seemed to have a bit more control and while his voice does skew a bit nasal at times, I do think it has a nice tone. I'm going to take Chris on as my pet project in the voting department until Rich Little officially enters the race.

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... tough one again, Chris Sligh are in the Bottom Three this week but it's Haley and her hot gams who's going home.

Two for Two!

At the risk of seeming boastful, can I predict the soon-to-be booted or can I predict the soon-to-be booted?! Admittedly, I've sucked with my bottom three predictions but I have been on the money with my Top 12 cast-off soothsaying. Brandon Rogers? Check! Stephanie Edwards? Affirmative! However, do not mistake my bragging for actual glee because while neither Brandon nor Stephanie would have won the whole damn thing, both of them are more deserving of a spot in the Top 10 than Sanjaya or Haley. Bogus.

Other than that, I really only have one note from tonight's results show:

Peter Noone should never clap his hands or attempt "dancing" in public ever again. Actually, I'm going to extend this ban to private clapping and dancing as well.

What the hell was he doing up there? Like, he kept awkwardly jabbing at the air while bending at the knee to bounce in place. White stereotypes aside, can this really be considered dancing?

And then! Then! Peter Noone executed an unexpected -- and very alarming -- pelvic thrust in the direction of the Idol hopefuls. In one moment, he was giving them an innocuous thumbs up and in the next, he was treating them to an eyeful of his decrepit old man junk. If you ask me, Peter Noone has all the makings of a flasher. How many easy-open rain coats does he have in his closet, I wonder?!

Here's the Top 10 (aka People I'll Violently Boo During the Idols Live! Tour with the Exception of Melinda Doolittle Unless She Does Something between Now and Then to Piss Me Off, Which I Highly Doubt):

1. Melinda Doolittle
2. Gina Glocksen
3. Lakisha Jones
4. Blake Lewis
5. Sanjaya Malakar
6. Chris Richardson
7. Haley Scarnato
8. Chris Sligh
9. Jordin Sparks
10. Phil Stacey