Paula, Paula, Paula

Recap's a-comin' folks but for now, I thought I'd resurrect one of last season's weekly features on American Midol: The Paula Abdul Insanity Index.

Girlfriend more than earned this cheeky repeat last night when she critiqued Jason Castro's second song... before he even sang it. She looked beyond befuddled as Randy and Simon tried to steer her back into the land of sanity. That was an exercise in futility, boys.

So I'm giving Paula a 9 this week. She deserved a 10 but, well, I don't have the Photoshop file here at work so I'm recycling an image from last year. How very green of me!

More to come!

Breaking News

And by breaking, I mean cartilage. As in Paula's. Apparently, the dumb ass tripped over her Chihuahua and busted her schnoz.

Um, is it just me or does "tripped over her Chihuahua" sound like dirty innuendo?

Naturally, this week's Paula Abdul Insanity Index will reflect her unfortunate injury. Stay tuned for more having fun at Paula's painful expense.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 18

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy last week was 5.0 (out of a possible 10). Sorry for the delay. I have no excuse other than laziness. I make no bones about it. Anyhoo, for closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Admittedly, Paula wasn't all that batshit this past week. However, I'm tired of looking at the crying Paula face as well as the smiling, sane Paula face so I'm mixing it up a bit here in the interest of variety. Aren't I sweet and thoughtful?

Sadly, The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram will be drawing to a close. We'll slap Paula with one more sanity (or lack of) score and then pffft! Finito. As goes the season, so goes the Scattergram. However! I will follow up with report to let y'all know what Paula's overall Season 6 score. Aren't you just dying with anticipation?! I know you are.

Because I'm clairvoyant, I can tell you now that Sanjaya's average Level o' Suck for Season 6 will be a solid 10. Sorry, did I ruin the suspense for you?

Until next time, think nervous breakdown!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 17

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 9.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Not much to analyze this week. Between random countdowns and repeated assertions of Jessica Alba's hotness, we think Paula was hit one too many times with the crazy stick this week. Not that she was wrong about Jessica Alba being hot, mind you. No, quite the contrary. However, there's a time and a place for such remarks. You know, like atop a ladder perched near Jessica's window, far out of reach the angry Dobermans roaming the grounds of her estate. You know, so I've heard...

As for Sanjaya, the aftertaste of his suckiness still lingers and will continue to do so for the remainder of the season.

Until next time, think continued brain damage!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 16

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 7.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Okay, so while there were no tears nor seal claps from Paula this week, she did show a promising return to retarded form. She was rocking that far-away look in her glassy eyes and the same smirk on her face that I get after I just smoked a doob. As such, our Cranky Quotient plummeted to a gloriously anemic 3. We would have been less cranky had there been more histrionics and some solid blubbering but hey, we'll take what we can get.

And yes, Sanjaya still sucks.

Until next time, think psychotic episode!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 15

Inspired (or rather, guilt-ridden) by this week's Idol Gives Back fundraiser, we're giving Paula a pass this week. Rest assured, we'll be back to scrutinizing her sanity level in earnest next week.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 14

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Ding dong, Sanjaya is gone! However, his data line remains because, really, his level o' suck will remain consistently high, with or without a berth on the show. In other words, the green line is staying.

Maybe now that the dead weight is gone, Paula will have one of them there bona fide breakdowns when she becomes overcome by the talent of one of the remaining hopefuls. Aw, fuck it... who am I kidding? She's as bored of this batch of nobodies as we all are. I hate them all for making Paula Abdul, of all people, appear mentally competent. This is a sad season, indeed.

Until next time, think hairy conniption!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Weeks 12 & 13

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 3.0 (out of a possible 10). Last week, she was a 7.0 (primarily for the Sanjaya/Frank Sinatra comparison) but I was too lazy to post about it. You'll live. For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Haley's ouster was long overdue and not at all shocking and since Paula wasn't too keen on her anyway, there was no real catalyst for a certified crying jag. In fact, there were no discernible outbursts or flashes of crazy this week at all. Man, this season sucks. However, Paula's eyes were quit slit-like and her speech had a slower cadence, which to me, suggests medication of the sedative variety. Actually, come to think of it, she looked a lot like I did after I was doped up on hydrocodone after getting a few teeth yanked some years back. Mmm... Vicodin.

Until next time, think chemical imbalance!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 11... Now with More Sanjaya!

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.5 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Paula actually had her shit together this week. Her behavior is becoming as predictable and boring as American Idol itself. I blame the contestants, both for boring the shit out of us and keeping Paula sharp. She has no one to root for this season. Last year, Elliott's manky teeth captured Paula's heart and she championed the little troll all the way into the final three, blubbering and bawling the whole way. LaKisha has a somewhat busted grill but she's not nearly as lovable as Elliott. Melinda has no neck but then again, that's not really all that endearing a malady. It would appear that we're screwed.

Since Paula's instability has taken a backseat to Sanjaya's unlikely popularity this season, we've decided to track his performance each with a Level o' Suck (depicted in green above). Actually, we took the liberty of slapping him with a 10 for the remainder of the season because, let's face it, he's not exactly going to improve. While his hairdos may change from week to week, his shitty brand of whispery suck remains consistently awful.

But there's still a small shred of hope for Paula. Maybe she'll lose her shit because of Sanjaya's staying power. Or maybe LaKisha's boring and predictable song choices will make her fly off the handle. Or perhaps Blake will spray it, not say it during one of his beatbox routines and some saliva will land in her big red Coke cup and will send her into a rage unlike anything we've ever seen before. Hell, if someone cut my vodka with spit, I'd start kicking people in the teeth right quick.

Fingers crossed that Paula is similarly prone to gross overreactions!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 10

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 5.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Kinda Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Bummer. Paula behaved herself on both of this week's installments. No histrionics, no indecipherable gibberish (relatively speaking) and no crying spells. However! Did you catch her bizarre appearance on Letterman?! This, my friends, maintains her Level o' Crazy at five. Nowhere in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram rules does it say that her hysteria is limited to American Idol episodes. Even it was in the rules, I'd totally defy that stipulation because, well, I can. I don't have much power but what little I do possess, I do my best to wield obnoxiously. How am I doing?

Until next time, think dementia!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 9

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 5.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10

Analysis: We had a crying fit! A genuine, snotty-nosed crying fit! Yet another reason to love Melinda Doolittle: She inspires gushing and blubbering. As such, Paula has crept into the mid-range of the Insanity Index. Conversely, the American Midol Cranky Quotient took a nose dive because it's happy times here when Paula loses her shit. Can you imagine the tears when Melinda really settles in and grows more comfortable up on that big stage?! Uncontrollable waterworks! Heaving sobs! Scary facial contortions and creepy grimacing! Oh, it's going to be so good.

Until next time, think continued hysteria!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 8

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10

Analysis: Not only was Paula quite normal this past week, she even cracked a few jokes... successfully. I don't know what to make of this. However, Paula lost points for being MIA at the beginning of the live results show. Actually, no one would have even known but dumb ass Ryan Seacrest was all "Where's Paula? Is she even here?" I can always count on Ryan's piss-poor skills as a host to awkwardly expose the private details of the judges' lives. I mean, look how much insight we already have into his and Simon's life partnership, for example...

Also, Paula gets some demerits for expressing shock that Sundance Head was booted. Um, does Paula have ears? Or did she maybe saw them off in a drunken fit? I must state that preferring Sundance over Sanjaya Malakar is not insanity. Peddling the notion that Vagina Beard could have won the whole thing? Well, that shit could get you institutionalized.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 7

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 1.8 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Analysis: Paula's low Level o' Crazy probably has less to do with her getting her shit together and more to do with the level o' suck of most of this year's crop of hopefuls. Lakisha Jones and Melinda Doolittle have each made an impression so look to their performances in the weeks to come to spark tear-filled testimonials and spastic seal claps from Paula. She'll positively lose her shit if/when either of them land in the Bottom Three. Ditto for Brandon Rogers because he is this season's Designated Camera Fucker (DCM) and Paula seems contractually obligated to champion these types (i.e. Constantine Maroulis, Corey Clark and Justin Guarini).

Notes: This new-found clarity of Paula's is making for a pretty stagnant data line so to spice things up, we've added additional info: American Midol's Cranky Quotient (the red line). Each time Paula acts normal, our level of annoyance spikes. When she's a certified loon, we are in our giddy glory, as evidenced in the divergent lines above.

Also, we've decided to tweak the Paula Abdul Insanity Index graphic. When Paula's in the normal range (1-3), we'll show you a lucid, smiling Paula. As she enters the middle region (3-6), the graphic will change to depict her evolving state. When she's in the certifiable zone (7-10), we'll return to the sobbing Paula face which adequately displays her hysteria.

Until next time, think downward spiral!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 6

We were a bit behind with the Scattergram this past week because, um... the computer that... analyzes and, uh... tallies... the scores... was on the fritz? Yeah, that's the excuse, er, I mean cause for the delay. Regardless, our sincere apologies for denying you this vital information!

Anyhoo, this week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 3.2 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Analysis: I'm happy to report a slight uptick in the Level o' Crazy. Now that the field has been narrowed down, Paula is showing a more personal interest in the candidates. Much to my dismay, she really had her shit together during the live results show but then again, no one is ever really all that emotionally invested the first cast-offs of the season. As Paula's boy crushes and those she's championed start taking a few verbal licks and positions in the Bottom Three, look to her behavior to descend into incoherent crying jags. I, for one, cannot wait.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 5

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 1.5 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Analysis: Fuck you, American Idol producers, for your clever and effective "Make Paula less crazy-looking" edits. It's working, as evidenced in the plummeting data line. If this keeps up, I might have to start tracking my level of crankiness in relationship to Paula's perceived coherence. So not fair. Give me unedited, unfiltered, unbridled insane Paula or give me death! Well, not death, necessarily. How about a pinch in the butt? Yeah, that'll do.

Until next time, think meltdown!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 4

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 2 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Analysis: I am chagrined to report that Paula scored really low on the crazy scale this week. The bitch was downright subdued in San Antonio. The hell?

This week's result does come with a footnote though. Last night's episode was an aggregate of all auditions thus far so it was hard to apply a singular, accurate number. Besides, the editors left out of most of Paula's batshittery (yeah, I made up that word. What of it?) in favor of wall-to-wall screeching "singers" and their suspect dance moves.

So take this week's reading with a grain of salt, fellow wack-job watchers, since it wasn't based on two full episodes. Hope is on the horizon because next week is Hollywood Week! I predict the monotony will spur at least one Paula meltdown and/or crying jag. Other predictions? Lay 'em on me.

Paula's Insanity Index

Hot on the heels of the release of The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram, we bring you its equally-cranky companion: The Paula Abdul Insanity Index. It's an "at-a-glance" feature that is updated weekly for those of you who don't have the time nor the inclination to track Paula's pattern of behavior on our handy dandy chart.

For those of you who fall into this category, listen up. Uh, the rest of you can go ahead and skip to the next paragaph. To the slackers: How lazy can you get? I'm going to venture a guess and say that you never once participated in an extra-curricular activity in school, did you? And extra credit was a foreign concept to you and was better left to nerds like me, right? And furthermore, you gave the smart kids who did partake in such endeavors atomic wedgies back then, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!?!?!

Ahem. Sorry. As I was saying, if you look to the top right of the sidebar each week, you'll see Paula's manic mug with a big ol' number under it. That figure is calculated after hours of heated deliberation, painstaking behavioral analysis and feverish scientific computation. Okay, so it's more like we all think about it for a few seconds and randomly pick a number between 1 and 10 and then I tap into my stellar math skills and average it. And by stellar math skills, I mean I use an existing formula in Excel.

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 6.2 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

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Analysis: After a week of disappointing coherence, Paula ventured back into the retard realm this week. Her antics were rather subdued (by Paula Abdul standards) but she did exhibit the occasional flash of freak. I cite her constant fidgeting and the return of the seal clap on day one of the Birmingham auditions as examples. The fact that she wasn't even there on the second day lends further credence to my argument.

Paula was surprisingly well-behaved during the L.A. round. I credit the calming effect of Olivia Newton John and whatever chemicals her doctor shot her up with during day two in Alabammy.

Fingers crossed for a full-on freak out next week, kiddies!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram

It's here, boys and girls. We at American Midol have been hard at work and foaming at the mouths to present to you our latest mean-spirited endeavor. The wait is over! It's finally here! Without further ado and uncharacteristic use of exclamation points, I proudly present to you The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram!

Each week, your intrepid team of bitchy beavers will monitor Paula's behavior and then rate her level of sanity on a scale of one to ten, with one being normal (relatively speaking) and 10 being batshit crazy.

Because I know that fancy-schmancy Excel program, I'll be averaging and plotting Paula's scores on a chart each week for the rest of the season. Here's the results for Season Six, so far:

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I have to say that after her drunken pre-show publicity tour, Paula's kind of kept it together during the first few episodes. Again, relatively speaking. I expect lots of spikes on the season-long chart. In fact, here's a rendering of what the chart might look like by the finale:

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Please note that additional color-coded data lines may be added to track Paula's level of sobriety, blood alcohol content and any other histrionics she may throw our way. I fully expect to be adding an intricate legend to this chart by next week. Mark my words.