Thursday News Update

Sanjaya Starves People to Death
A woman calling herself "J" on MySpace has decided to go on a hunger strike until Sanjaya Malakar is voted off the show. You can read her profile, befriend her or call her a nutjob here. I'm thinking of joining her -- I've wanted to lose a few pounds anyway, and hunger strikes are way cooler than just starving yourself for no reason. Anyone else wanna join me? (Access Hollywood)

Howard Stern Deserves a Beatdown
Who's voting for Sanjaya, you ask? Howard Stern fans. The shock jock took a page out of Vote for the Worst's playbook, urging listeners to vote for the Idol hopeful. I dig Howard and all, but I'm not sure I can live in a world where I see Sanjaya's mug as much as I see Taylor Hicks. (MTV.com)

Ryan Seacrest Digs Chicks
Despite Simon Cowell's uncomfortable urging of Ryan Seacrest to come out of the closet, sources close to the host say he's straight as an arrow. Ex-girlfriend Shana Wall, who hosts an online cooking show, tells In Touch that they had an "amazing and passionate relationship." I wrote a couple of Ryan is gay jokes and then deleted them, because I'm tired of his ambiguous sexuality. You hear that? No more Ryan is gay jokes! Ever! Anyone want to make a bet on how long I'll stick with that? (National Ledger)

Chris Sligh Hates Jesus
Some uptight Christian folks in Chris Sligh's hometown of Greenville, SC are a little concerned about his faith. It seems the mop-topped contestant was all about the Jesus tunes prior to being on the show, but has now -- gasp! -- sung a few songs that are not at all about faith in the Lord. In other news, uptight Christians in Chris Sligh's hometown of Geenville, SC really, really want him to lose the show. (South Bend Tribune)

And if you missed Paula Abdul's batshit crazy interview on Letterman Monday night, well, I suggest you get caught up with the rest of the cool kids:

Friday News Update

India Determines the Next American Idol?
This is all rumor, to be sure, but some sites are claiming that outsourced tech support workers in India may be using their speed-dialing capabilities to keep Sanjaya Malakar on the show. Not that I really believe it or anything -- I mean, we are talking about the same American public that crowned Taylor Hicks their American Idol last year, and buy Chris Daughtry's albums. Still, it's fun to spread unfounded, racially paranoid gossip! And don't miss the photo of Sanjaya's big sis in her Hooters uniform. (Tabloid Baby)

Kiki and Sanjaya BFFs
Speaking of Sanjaya, LaKisha Jones has taken the young lad under her wing, telling him not to listen to what anybody says and to keep doing his thing. I agree with this advice -- the more he does his thing, the less time he'll have left on the show. (TMZ)

Ryan Seacrest is Straight
Hilarious video of Seacrest's "straightest" moments. (Gawker)

Antonella Barba's Finest Moments
Do you sometimes lie in bed at night wishing you could hear Antonella Barba's rendition of Don't Want to Miss a Thing just one more time? But you erased it from your DVR. What now? That my friends, is what MySpace is for.

Taylor to KFC: No Way!
Taylor Hicks dropped 22 pounds since he's been off the show. How did he do it? More exercise, less fried chicken. In other news, Taylor Hicks is still retarded, still lying about being 30, and still has bad hair.

Simon Says No to Kinky Couple
In a 60 Minutes interview set to air on March 18th, Simon tells Anderson Cooper about a couple that invited Simon over to critique their lovemaking (ew, I said lovemaking) for $100,000. He didn't do it, but wishes he had just for the story. And I don't blame him. You should hear my stories about watching couples do each other. They're a huge hit at baptisms and wakes.

Tuesday News Update

We didn't have a Monday update, and it was all my fault because I got drunk and watched The Wicker Man with Chicken Supreme instead of posting one. That movie is a craptastic joy to watch, let me tell you.

Antonella Barba is Jesus
How Antonella Barba became the most famous person on Earth boggles the mind. Look, she's even on toast now. Toast! (eBay)

Antonella Barba Also Pisses People Off
A bunch of people who have way too much time on their hands and could use a nice gin and tonic and possibly some meditation to chill the fuck out, are protesting at the Kodak Theater as I write this because they think Antonella should get the boot. Whatever. Also, more pics of her acting like a porn star at the WWII memorial. (WWTDD, aka Jess' Future Husband)

Jennifer Hudson's Pants Are on Fire
'Extra' decided to do a little investigative journalism, and look into Jennifer Hudson's incessant claims that Simon was a big old meanie to her and the show was abusive and wah wah boo hoo you're famous now shut up. Anyway, turns out she's a big old liar. I'm taking Beyonce's side. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell Thinks Taylor Hicks Sucks
I knew there was a reason Simon was my homeboy. While we don't all hate Taylor Hicks here at American Midol, the haters are most definitely in the majority. Shocking, right? Us hating someone? (TV Grapevine)

Simon Cowell Also Thinks Rehab is Cool
I usually agree with what Simon has to say, but when he takes on my girl Britney Spears, I need to defend her. Give her a break, dude. Girlfriend lost her freaking mind. (TV Grapevine)

Smack Talking Simon

Simon Trashes Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Hicks

Dude. I am like a gumshoe supersleuth when it comes to picking up these nuances in People Magazine articles.

It is interesting to note that all of the former contestants he names as "standouts from the beginning" only include those that have either made a return appearance on the show or have credited American Idol for jump starting their career.

Simon also pointed out how Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Hicks would be basically nothing without him the show. Homeboy even went as far to say that Kelly Clarkson was not a strong contender until mid-season. (You know Jess is going to have to cut a bitch after she hears that one.) It is amazingly coincidental that these particular former contestants are those who have not paid much mind to Idol since their departure. OR IS IT?

Simon, I do wish you would remove this cloak of bitterness and resume wearing your smoky charcoal V-necks.

Photo: answers.com

News Brief

Are you excited for the top 12 boys tonight? I am SO motherfucking excited. In fact, I may even skip yoga and watch in real time. That's dedication, yo. Anyway, onto today's news:

Kelly Clarkson thinks Britney Spears is still hot with her bald head. I agree to a point -- it's a vast improvement over that busted up weave, but I'm not sure I'd go so far as "hot." (All Headline News)

Nigel Lithgoe says there's a big twist coming up, and it's not the much-talked-about songwriting competition. I'm thinking Paula Abdul doing kegstands halfway through every program. Oh wait, no. Paula's never been drunk. EVER. (TV Grapevine)

Simon Cowell hates kids, marriage. (Daily Mail)

Ayla Brown discusses song choices, outfits, and gives some advice to the Top 24. (Boston Herald)

If you got a busy signal while trying to place your vote for Taylor Hicks last season, you're not alone. Also, I think I might hate you. Here, a look at why the phone lines are so clogged up. (Forbes)

Michael Jackson and Nigel Lithgoe dispel rumors that Jacko's going to be on the show this season. I am so, so happy that I don't have to cringe my way through that freakshow. (Celebrity Spider)

Not Necessarily the News

As part of their "People You Should Know" section, CNN asks Katharine McPhee the tough questions. You know, hard-hitting questions like, "Your image is much sexier now. Was that intentional?" I hate when I accidentally give myself a sexy makeover. I did it twice last week, even. (CNN)

Paula Abdul gets sued for secretly selling her reality show that was supposed to air on Oxygen to Bravo. Well, of course she did. She probably figured no one would notice. Also, whatever network Hey Paula finally airs on, I am SO there. (Post Chronicle)

Ashlyn Carr, she of the second chances and the strange facial expressions (and also a very pretty voice, IMHO), is a hardened criminal. Okay, not really, but she was charged with criminal mischief in November 2006 for pouring sugar in her ex-boyfriend's gas tank. If he was another one of those people who were mean to her because she had such a great voice, then he totally deserved it, obvs. (Reality TV magazine)

Speaking of criminal Idol contestants, Akron Watson, also from San Antonio, was uninvited after getting through to Hollywood. While he does have a misdemeanor charge of marijuana possession against him, he'd apparently told Idol about it. Very curious. He's launched a MySpace page to gain support to be reinstated as a contestant. (Reality TV Magazine)

And because I'm apparently a Reality TV Magazine groupie today, here's another: There's a rumor floating around that Sean Michel, my personal favorite thus far, may be disqualified for not cutting his long-ass Jesus hair and beard. This better not be true. Not in a world where we have to live with Taylor Hicks, who the boyfriend refers to as "that elderly gentleman who won American Idol last season." (Reality TV Magazine)

Back in the day, Simon Cowell was a little girly man cowering before Eddie Murphy. (TV Squad)

Miss last night's show? I missed some of it because I was baking a sticky toffee pudding. I'd give you some, but I really didn't make enough for everyone and that wouldn't be fair. Thank heavens the audition shows are finally over! If you need to catch up on the San Antonio auditions, choose your own adventure:

People Magazine's recap

EW's recap

Television Without Pity's recap

Or, you know, check back later for Curly's recap. Naturally, it will be the best one.

Your Monday Newsbrief

Think American Idol is growing old and a bit stale? Oh yeah, fussy pants?!? Well what, pray tell, would YOU do to improve it? No really, I'm not picking a fight with y'all. MTV wants to know. In fact, they asked a variety of types including Taylor "The Tard" Hicks, Randy Jackson and some radio personalities I never heard of that very question. Do people even listen to regular radio anymore? Beyond Howard Stern and I guess Casey Kasem, I have no retention of radio dee-jays or their names. I mean, why would I?

But that's neither here nor there. If you have an opinion, and I know you do, head on over to MTV and leave suggestions. Or you can comment here while staying within the safe and comfy confines of your favorite bitchy blog. Mind you, we can't and won't pass them along to the powers-that-be at MTV but that still shouldn't stop you from flexing your free speech muscles here.

How would I improve the show, you ask? Well, for one, I'd condense the best and the worst of the auditions into four episodes (aired over two weeks) and then bring that shit to Hollywood tout de suite. Oh, and the production assistants should be tasked with making sure there's always some sort of mind-altering substance in Paula Abdul's Coke cup. At all times. Because it's just funnier when she's shit-faced. Thoughts? (MTV.com)

Despite her obvious fondness for the drink, some people do in fact think Paula is worthy of praise. The lush even managed to snag herself one of them there Women of the Year Awards. The honor was bestowed by the Nevada Ballet Theatre, not Apple Boones as I originally assumed. They're holding out to honor her with the Lifetime Achievement Award, methinks. (National Ledger)

People.com asked a rather random roster of celebrities which song they would sing if they were an American Idol contestant. Andy Roddick, that cute tennis player, mentions Menudo and Bananarama and honestly, I can't quite say for sure if he's being facetious or not. I hope so. Nelly Furtado, who is equally easy on the eyes, responded: "I would sing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' just to be different." Not sure if she's never watched the show or if that was a sly dig at Katharine McPhee. Frankly, I don't think Nelly's all that smart. Neither is Kat though. Whatever, I'd still bang both of them. And no, Andy Roddick, you cannot watch. (People.com)

Mark your calendars, Elliott Yamin fans. March 20 is a big day. Why, you ask? Well, it just so happens to be the anniversary of the publication of Albert Einstein's theory of relativity. What does that have to do with Elliott?! No fucking clue! I'm just trying to fill space. Actually though, that theory may have in some way, shape or form paved the way for the orthodontics that helped fix Elliott's busted grill. You never know!

Ow, all this talk of scientific theory is making my head hurt. Enough of this smart shit. March 20 is the day Yamin's debut album hits stores. If you can't wait that long, Elliott's first single titled "Movin' On" will be available for illegal downlo... er, I mean, purchase on iTunes and other digital music providers on February 13. (AmericanIdol.com)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Better Late Than Never Newsbrief

As if I needed an excuse to be even crankier on this blog (and in real life, if I'm being honest), I've been engaged in a frustrating battle with my Internet connection for the past several hours and I.am.not.happy.about.it. The error pages and slow page loads have left me feeling extra salty. But it's your lucky day because I'm funneling my inner bitch into today's daily news digest. So, buckle up, bitches.

"We're no crueler this year," claim the Idol judges and producers in response to criticism that they've been too aggressive in the new asshole-tearing they've been doing this season. In other words, they've always been skewering Special Olympians from day one. Oh, I see. It's just that us assmunches didn't notice until now. Gotcha. (People.com; Reality Blurred)

If you're feeling a tad nosy, fire up your iTunes and check out the playlists of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Chris Daughtry, Kellie Pickler, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood, Bo Bice and even Randy Jackson.

Surprisingly, no Journey was included in the latter's list. You tricked me, dawg! I was totally expecting some "Wheel in the Sky." Actually, no... that's not true. How silly of me. Randy didn't play bass on that track so why would he include it? I guess I meant to say that I was totally expecting some latter-day Journey that Randy played bass on. Um, I'd cite specific song titles and albums but really, do you even care? I sure as hell don't.

Once again Pickler proves that she's a dumb ass of monumental proportions. See, she first earned this distinction with her (albeit short-lived) dalliance with Constantine "My Chin Looks Just Like My Ass" Maroulis. She's now firmly cemented on my shit list thanks to the inclusion of one of her own tracks in her iTunes playlist.

So, to put this in perspective, no one else in that self-absorbed roster committed this crime. Just Kellie.

In case you're a little slow on the uptake, what I'm trying to say is that Pickler managed to make Randy "When I'm in the Studio with Mariah" Jackson look the model of humble restraint. Someone give me a billy-club, a darkened alley and five minutes alone with Pickler. Please? (iTunes Store; software download required for you Amish readers who don't have iTunes installed already.)

Citizens of Texas, you can go ahead and get your knickers out of that a knot they're in. Contrary to popular belief, Carrie Underwood and Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, are NOT sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. So, y'all can stop blaming her for distracting the QB and causing an early playoff exit. The real reason you're not going to the Super Bowl is because... uh... oh, fuck it. I hate football and I can't even pretend to give a shit. So let's just dispense with the trash talk and say that your team sucks and that'll be the end of it, okay? Move on. (National Ledger)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

A Poem

My husband wrote this for us:

Just as I was begining to recover,
Another Idol marathon begins anew.
Hoping it won't be so sad to discover,
this year I still have nothing better to do.

I lay awake scared, of new stupid Picklers,
of retarded Yamins, of Soul Patrol Hicks,
of Paris & 9 yr old teddy bear ticklers,
of guys named Ace & their love of their dicks,

Of Katharine McPhees and her shit eating grin,
plastered up everywhere like we somehow cared
what skin cream she wore. So please if you win,
please, please don't tell us, we know how you fared.

And please don't sell yourself out for every magizine stunt,
or dive for every nickel, like that awful, awful Katharine McCunt.

Curly has nominated him as Poet Laureate of American Midol. I second.

News You Probably Can't Use

Not necessarily the news, but really, is there anything funnier than a Paula Abdul fug? Okay, a Britney fug, but Paula is a close second. (Go Fug Yourself)

Bucky Covington, also known in some circles as My Boyfriend, signs a deal with Lyric Street Records. Album comes out April 17, two days after my birthday. Totally planned. Thanks Bucky! Also, a sort-of-but-really interview with the man himself. His first single, "A Different World," will hit the country airwaves January 16th. ('American Idol' official site)

The 'American Idol' karaoke video game! 'Nuff said. (USA Today)

Ruben Studdard wants Alabama residents to quit being a bunch of fatasses. (The Birmingham News)

Review: Taylor Hicks' debut Taylor Hicks not all that and a bag of chips. Is anyone surprised? You know, besides the millions of retards who voted for him week after week? (Rocky Mountain News)