Results

Well, Dial Idol was right - Danny Gokey, Michael Sarver and Alexis Grace are through to the next round. Here's hoping my man Anoop gets a wild card spot. On the bright side, NO MORE TATIANA! I look forward to reporting on her post-show meltdown, followed by her never being heard from again. Wishful thinking? Full recap coming soon!

Live Show Recap: First 12

I was really excited going into this week. I almost believed the "best talent pool ever" hype that Ryan Seacrest was drilling into our heads, for the first time ever. But the first live show of this season was basically a big old pile of suck.

We start the show at the judges' table, of course. Randy Jackson is wearing a black and white printed scarf, and what appears to be a long-sleeved white T-shirt with a black armband. I don't fucking know, people. Kara has her boobs firmly in check, and to that I say, "Well done, m'lady!" Paula Abdul is wearing Bret Michaels' weave in a darker shade of brown, and Simon Cowell looks just like he always does. Ryan's wearing the Kenneth Cole sweater I convinced the boyfriend to buy two years ago and is sporting darker-hued locks, which somehow gives Simon and Ryan an excuse to flirt with each other. Kara makes some ill-advised comments about being under the table, and Paula takes long pauses between every word she says to concentrate. And this… is… AMERICAN IDOL!

Here is your first Top 12:

Jackie Tohn
Ricky Braddy
Alexis Grace
Brent Keith
Stevie Wright
Anoop Desai
Casey Carlson
Michael Sarver
Ann Marie Boskovich
Stephen Fowler
Tatiana Del Toro (naturally the first Vote for the Worst pick of the season)
Danny Gokey

And here is how they did:

Jackie Tohn
"A Little Less Conversation" - Elvis Presley
In her pre-performance interview, she's wearing a purple number with aggressive shoulder pads. If you think that's bad, she hits the stage wearing a polka dotted tube top, wide red belt, shiny black spandex pants and high-top sneakers. Yeah, I know. While I'm watching her perform, and I mean PERFORM, it hits me -- Jackie Tohn is the female Taylor Hicks. I like her voice, but I can't watch her. After her performance, we meet her adorable parents. Her Dad is wearing a Jackie T-shirt.
The verdict:
Randy: Likes her energy, but could have done without her vocals. Also likes her "trousers" because he's a pervert
Kara: Big personality, not the best vocals
Paula: Got her up dancing, not perfect, but perfect is sometimes boring
Simon: Thinks she played the clown, gimmicky, hated the outfit

Ricky Braddy
"A Song for You" - Leon Russell
He's got a really good voice and a pleasantly earnest delivery, but he suffers from Melissa McGhee Syndrome® - got no airtime in the early stages so the viewers have no emotional connection to him. His parents are also wearing T-shirts emblazoned with their son's name. Did Idol make T-shirts for all the parents, or is this some weirdo parental competition thing?
The verdict:
Randy: Unbelievable, way to kick off the show (Um, he didn't.)
Kara: Killed it, effortless
Paula: Deserves to go far
Simon: Good vocal, but no star quality

Alexis Grace
"Never Loved A Man" - Aretha Franklin
She had to dirty up her image in Hollywood, which means pink streaks in her hair. She started out shaky, then got better in the middle. I thought the low notes were iffy. The good parts were REALLY good, though. Her parents obviously don't love her, because they are not wearing Alexis T-shirts.
The verdict:
Randy: Loving her, worked it out.
Kara: Genie is out of the bottle
Paula: Passion, soul, confidence
Simon: Best contestant so far, actually does have soul and confidence, dark horse, reminds him of Kelly Clarkson

Brent Keith
"Hicktown" - Jason Aldean
There's a tape screw up at the beginning, and it looks like they aren't going to be able to show his video. That would suck for him, as we don't really know him yet. They finally get it together, though, and show it. Then he takes the stage. I guess he's good, but it's country and it's not Johnny Cash so I'm kind of at a loss. You'd think that the fact that I'm half redneck would give me some sort of affinity for country music, but it doesn't. Classic rock is another story.
The verdict:
Randy: New edge to country with an old country swagger
Kara: It was a little safe, no soul
Paula: Agrees it was safe, but can see him as a country star
Simon: Forgettable. Also disses Bucky Covington, which makes me want to kick Simon. Brent says he doesn't think country fans will forget it, and may have been right if we didn't have Michael Sarver coming up.

Stevie Wright
"You Belong With Me" - Taylor Swift
She started out really low and flat and awful, and it didn't get much better. The whole thing is painful, and the look on her face says she knows it. Her parents think the judges' critiques were "confusing," and Ryan basically tells her she's going home. I really liked her up until this point, so it bums me out a bit.
The verdict:
Randy: Not hot, not feeling it at all
Kara: Picked the wrong song
Paula: Low range was too low, wrong song
Simon: Terrible, zero chance of her making it to the next round

Anoop Desai
"Angel of Mine" - Monica
While this wasn't my favorite vocal of his, I fucking love him. He makes me smile.
The verdict:
Randy: A little sharp, but still a huge fan
Kara: Didn't nail it, likes him
Paula: America already loves him, different side of him
Simon: Little bit too grown up and serious

Casey Carlson
"Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" - Police
Before I heard the judges' critique, I thought that it felt very karaoke. Like, someone who is the best karaoke singer in their little hometown and takes themselves very seriously. I do think she's adorable, though, and her shiny outfit is the shit. She tries not to cry as the judges rip her apart, and succeeds.
The verdict:
Randy: Kind of weird for him
Kara: Everything about it was wrong
Paula: There was no connection
Simon: Atrocious

Michael Sarver
"I Don't Wanna Be" - Gavin McGraw
I found this super weird. I actually don't hate this song, but I hated his delivery. There were some high points, but the lows were really low. Performance-wise it was good. Afterward, he looks a little defeated.
The verdict:
Randy: Started out rough and weird, not so great
Kara: Not best performance, but a crowd pleaser
Paula: Thought it was good
Simon: Tricky because they like him, not the best vocal, hopes America gives him another shot

Ann Marie Boskovich
"Natural Woman" - Aretha Franklin
I like the arrangement, it was kind of country. It was okay, but kind of forgettable. I didn't find it anywhere near as bad as the judges did.
The verdict:
Randy: Not the right choice, fell short of girls on the show who have rocked it
Kara: Song too big for her, old-fashioned
Paula: She did better than Hollywood Week
Simon: If they were searching for a hotel singer, it would have been good. Her voice is not good enough for that song. She may have blown it.

Stephen Fowler
"Rock With You" - Michael Jackson
Right off the bat, he sounds pitchy to me. He's also singing a step behind the music. As it progresses, it just gets worse, which breaks my heart because I like him a lot.
The verdict:
Randy: Wrong song
Kara: Not connected
Paula: Wrong song
Simon: Wishes he had forgotten the lyrics

Tatiana Del Toro
"Saving All My Love For You" - Whitney Houston
In her pre-interview, Tatiana cried and acted crazy and paranoid. I wish she was a terrible singer, but her performance really wasn't that bad, which makes me want to rip my hair out. She toned it down a bit for this performance, but you could tell she wanted to rip her dress open and grow to 50 feet tall, after which she'd start plucking old people and small children from the audience and ripping their heads off with her teeth. SHE TOTALLY DID. Two seemingly normal guys who she calls her cousins even though they aren't are there to support her.
The verdict:
Randy: Had some impressive moments
Kara: Can sing, but where does she fit into the industry?
Paula: Most talked-about contestant, half pitchy and half-good
Simon: Complete and utter drama queen, desperate to be famous, surprisingly not bad, better than he expected, the demure thing makes him nervous

Danny Gokey
"Hero" - Mariah Carey
I hate this song, but I love Danny Gokey. Quandary! He delivered a good vocal, but it wasn't mind-blowing.
The verdict:
Randy: Redeemer of the night. Blazing hot.
Kara: Incredible.
Paula: Stellar. Two words with hyphens - sold-out arenas
Simon: It was good, but it wasn't fantastic, not buying the hype yet, but likes him. Ryan calls him "heartless." Look, I get that Danny Gokey has a tragic backstory. But does that mean that every little thing he does is magic? No. It doesn't. Nor does it mean that Scott McIntyre can blow a performance and still get praised just because he's blind. This show can't be graded on a sad story bell curve. It's insulting to the singers who haven't dealt with anything monumentally life-changing, and it's insulting to the good singers with tragic back-stories who don't have their talent honestly assessed. And thus concludes my soap box rant. Wanna call me heartless? Bring it, bitches. Also, how must Jamar feel while watching this shit show? His not being in the top 36 is fucking tragic.

In Jess' Perfect World: Danny, Alexis and Anoop make it through

What will actually happen: Danny, Alexis and Anoop make it through.

Dial Idol says: Danny, Alexis and Michael make it through.

If Vote for the Worst has any impact on the voting: Tatiana, Danny and Alexis make it through.

What will it be? Watch and find out. Some of us will be Twittering, too, and you don't want to miss that.

San Francisco Audition Recap

So, are the auditions over yet? Yeah, I didn't think so. Tonight was San Francisco, where the freakshow parade was hitting their tambourines pretty hard. In the opener, we are told that Idol has a huge boner for San Fran, because it produced Katharine McPhee, she of the tanking album, and William Hung, he of the ironic faux-success. So right away, I think it's going to be bad. And I'm not disappointed! Most upsetting is Ryan Seacrest, who forgot to do laundry and was forced to host the show in ratty jeans and the hoodie he wears while he watches Lifetime movies. Luckily, Kara washed all the clothes she wore when she was a stripper going by the name of Irina, and she graces us with a bedazzled shredded-sleeved number.

I'm going to get the people who were important enough to have their names displayed for Internet mocking/Hollywood week recognition but had no backstory out of the way first.

Not going to Hollywood:

Nick Reed: 17, Antelope, CA
He had frightening hair and sounded like Charlie Brown's parents beatboxing. He also came after a "fashion" montage, which showcased people in line dressed like nutters and people auditioning wearing nothing even remotely interesting.

Jiayi Yu, 16, San Mateo, CA
Sang "We Built This City" by Starship with the same amount of enthusiasm I exhibit while watching a football game.

James Smith, 27, Sacramento, CA, Ballroom Dancer
He didn't sing long enough for me to decipher what the song was. He was also terrible. He should have held off and auditioned for "So You Think You Can Dance."

Going to Hollywood:

John Twiford, 27, Sherman Oaks, CA, Music Teacher
He sang "Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder pretty well. He's also cute-ish, with hippie hair.

Allison Iraheta, 16, Los Angeles, CA
She has shocking red hair and sang Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" quite well.

Raquel Houghton, 28, Los Angeles, CA, Waitress/Bartender
She sang "Son Of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield, and is pretty in a Manson girl sort of way.

Okay, now that we've got the filler out of the way, let's get to the contestants who actually got some air time.

Tatiana Del Toro, 23, San Juan, Puerto Rico
Tatiana is a "full-time singer, musician, songwriter, writer, assistant director and film actor" who has no IMDB listing. She does have a MySpace music profile, though. When she's not vamping for the camera or laughing like a certified crazy person, she is annoying everyone she comes into contact with while wearing an animal print spandex mini-dress with a tutu stapled to the bottom of it. She sang "Never Loved a Man" by Aretha Franklin, and it wasn't terrible. She's good TV, so she's going to Hollywood.

Dean-Anthony Bradford, 27, Pasadena, CA, "Entrepreneur"
Those quotes are courtesy of the show, not mine. I'm skeptical about his age, because he looks about 45, and he's wearing the most ill-fitting plaid jacket ever to attempt to fit a man. Randy says he likes the jacket, sarcastically, but you know he kind of does, or at least he would if it had drum-major piping on it. Dean-Anthony started a special events production company, but it failed. He sings Simple Red's "Stars." Badly. He looks like he's having a seizure while he's singing. Simon razzes him about his hair color, which isn't actually particularly weird, and he makes a carpet/drapes joke which makes me want to vomit. When they tell him he's not going to Hollywood, he's pretty sure it was the coat that did him in, and not his crappy singing.

Jesus Valenzula, 29, North Highlands, CA, Fleet Manager
Initially, Our Lord and Savior appears to have about 30 kids, but then they bring the kids in after his boring, forgettable performance and it appears he only has two. They're cute, Jesus 2 and Gabriel, so the judges send him to Hollywood even though he sucks and has zero charisma and rather aggressive eyebrows.

Dalton Powell, 18, Manteca, CA, Unemployed Rubik's Cube Master
Ryan Seacrest tells this laid-back mumbly fellow that he might want to amp up the energy before going in or dip into the Seacrest coke stash. Dalton does neither, preferring to smoke a blunt and then sing Smokey Robinson's "Ooh Baby Baby" in falsetto. All of it. He is not going to Hollywood.

Akilah Askew-Gholston, 26, Oakland, CA, Aspiring Songwriter
This chick brought two things with her -- original songs and anatomical diagrams of the human body. She can't pronounce larynx. Or trachea, but she apparently knows what both of them have to do with singing gospel songs. She sings "Make Sweet Love," an original song. It's terrible, of course, and she explains that it was because it "came from the wrong rectum." Paula tries to comfort her, and then walks off the stage in a huff, possibly giving everyone the finger. After they tell her she's not going to Hollywood, she interviews that she could have done better, but she let the judges "eractatate" her.

Annie Murdoch, 28, Novato, CA, Unemployed
She sings "Summertime" by Sam Cooke. It's over the top and screamy. Simone compares her to a drunk, and she's not going to Hollywood.

Adam Lambert, 26, Hollywood, CA
Adam was in "Wicked" and has David Cook hair. He sings Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it's good, but a bit theatrical and screamy. Still, he's adorable, even with the bad hair, so he's going to Hollywood. And in related news, no one on any reality show, ever, can compete with Sweet Suzie McNeil on "Rock Star: INXS" when it comes to "Bohemian Rhapsody," and if you don't believe me, I suggest you watch this video:



Kai Kalama, 26, San Clemente, CA. Musician
Kai has a sick mom and he takes care of her when he's not out rocking. It's a sweet story, and he's cute in a rough-around-the-edges-will-be-hot-once-stylists-get-involved kind of way. He sings "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by the Platters and it's good, and he's going to Hollywood.

And there you have it, folks. Hang in there -- the auditions will be over soon. that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.