Top 3 Recap

Lest anyone ever claim that American Idol is not completely fixed, I present to you tonight's episode. With a few exceptions, everyone associated with this show wants David Cook to win and hates Syesha Mercado. Weirdest song choices ever, which made the fact that I don't care about any of these people less of a factor and allowed me to actually get through it. Let's get to it then, shall we?

David Archuleta

Judges' Choice: "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel, chosen by Paula and delivered by Mayor Snarr from Murray City, Utah, who is rocking the fiercest, longest, pointiest mustache ever and what appears to be a "Members Only" jacket for membership in the U.S. of A. Randy: You're in it to win it, baby! Paula: Beautiful performance. Simon: Bit predictable, but good. Jess: Boring and creepy.

Singer's Choice: "With You," by Chris Brown. Randy: Wrong song choice. Paula: Great job, but he needs to focus on shortening up the phrases. Simon: Like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger. Jess: The girls are positively wetting themselves. He's paying too much attention to pandering to them, and not enough time keeping his song under control. It's shaky.

Producers' Choice: "Longer," by Dan Fogelberg. Randy: interesting song choice, another hot one! Paula: lovely. Simon: too gooey. Jess: I can't even comment on how the song was, because I cannot get over that choice. Are the producers selecting their songs from Shady Pines, or do they just hate David Archuleta?

Syesha Mercado

Judges' Choice: "If I Ain't Got You," by Alicia Keys. selected by Randy and delivered via text message while she rode in a limo in Tampa. Randy: Amazing job. Paula: She looks stunning, which means Paula was bored, too. Simon: Wishes Randy had chosen something more interesting. Word. Jess: Boring and pretty, which kind of sums up how I feel about Syesha.

Singer's Choice: "Fever," by Peggy Lee. Randy: Great performance. Paula: Interesting choice, but not sure it showcases who Syesha is. Simon: She'll regret choosing that song, lame cabaret performance. Jess: I think she knows she won't win at this point, and is auditioning for Broadway.

Producers' Choice: "Hit Me Up," by Gia Farrell. Randy: Just okay for me. Paula: Not the right type of song for Syesha. Simon: her week last week was the best, this song didn't define her. Jess: Stupid song choice, but she did what she could.

David Cook

Judges' Choice: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," by Roberta Flack, chosen by Simon, who is apparently a genius, and delivered via text message while David was on the air at the FOX affiliate in Kansas City. Randy: Wishes Simon had picked something more rock 'n' roll. Paula: (who seems pretty lucid tonight) David is her second favorite person who sings it (never mind on that lucid thing). Simon: One of his best performances. Jess: David looked super pissed to have to sing it. And it pains me to say, but he really brought it home. It was good. Fucking hell.

Singer's Choice: "Dare You to Move," by Switchfoot. Who? Randy: a little pitchy. Paula: too hard to condense into a minute and a half. Simon: Not the most melodic song in the world. Okay. Jess: Didn't love the song, but it was okay.

Producers' Choice: "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," by Aerosmith. Randy: Just okay for him. Paula: lots of blah blah crazy talk about how she wants to fuck him, possibly while Diane Warren watches. Simon: David Cook wins the night. Jess: IS PAULA WEARING A PLEATHER CORSET? It's predictably good. It makes me nostalgic for Antonella Barba, though. Those were good times, back when Idol was actually interesting and I gave a shit about who won or lost.

Prediction: Bye, bye Syesha. You'll kick ass in Chicago.

By the way, Justin Guarini came to Saturday detention because he didn't have anything better to do today.

Predictions

Question:
So who do you ladies' think is going to win this thing?

Jess says:
I think the Davids will make up the final two, and my money's on creepy David Archuleta to win the whole thing. What? He's creepy. Don't front. You know he is -- you just don't want to say it out loud because he's sunshine and rainbows and puppies and if you say it, it's like you're kicking a puppy. Luckily, I kick puppies all the time so I'm fine with it. In fact, I'm kicking one right now. The judges have been ramming Archuleta down our throats like Harry Reems to Linda Lovelace all season. Why? I don't know. Is he more marketable than smarmy David Cook? I don't think so. Is he more talented than Syesha Mercado? Again, I don't think so. Are 12-year-old girls the only demographic record labels care about these days? Maybe. Can we have Jason Castro back? Please?

Curly McDimple says:
In seasons past, I've had super strong feelings about my desired American Idol. For example, the fact that I didn't douse myself with gasoline and strike a match when Taylor "The Tard" Hicks beat my beloved Tits McPhee is nothing short of a miracle.

During Season Two, I damn near gave myself calluses voting for the otherwise unremarkable… uh…. What's his face? Big fat guy with limited breathing ability and high blood pressure? Ruben Studdard! Yeah, that's it! Sure, he had a decent set of pipes but that's not why he got my vote. It was my utter contempt for Clay Aiken that made me incur a ridiculous amount of texting fees on my AT&T bill in support of Sir Wheezes-a-Lot.

Sadly, this season, I have no fire in mah belly nor a deep, abiding hatred of anyone. Sure, I think David Cook is an arrangement-pilfering douche with an unhealthy relationship with a straightening iron. And perhaps I believe that Syesha Mercado's greatest post-Idol achievement will be landing the role of Patty Simcox's swing in a production of Grease in Branson, MO. And maybe, just maybe, I firmly believe with all of my heart that wee David Archuleta is going to snap one day and take a knitting needle or a pair of scissors to Jeff Archuleta's voice box after he pooh-poohed David's reworking of "Every Heartbeat" from Amy Grant's cross-over album, Heart In Motion. She's such a polarizing trollop, that Amy Grant.

Not that I've given this all that much thought, you see…

But, honestly, I don't have much of an interest in who is going to win this year. It's anyone's game, really. And by anyone, I mean Davids Archuleta and Cook. Sorry, Syesha, you're toast this week. Between the Davids, I really couldn't give two shits, but, if I had my druthers, I'd say that wee David Archuleta's shrieking fan base will give him the edge. I also predict that Jeff Archuleta should secure all sharp objects within reach and sleep with one eye open.

Lizz says:
I'm going with smarm-boat David Cook for the win, if only because I truly believe David Archuleta's pop isn't going to let him perform in the finals--you know he's going to get in a flying rage and go all Daddy Dearest on us in the last episode, when he'll insist on taking the stage and singing those songs himself because poor little David can't be trusted not to screw up their, er, his dreams of winning it all and succeeding in the music biz, yes, that's right, David's dreams.

Maybe if David A is lucky his dad will let him work the spotlight during the final number...no wait, on second thought, I don't think he can be trusted to do that either, better let dad take care of it.

Mejack says:
All I would say is that I want to set Syesha on fire.

Top 4: Recap

Four folks left. Three have been number one in votes. Competition is closer than ever. YOU MUST VOTE! This… is… American… Idol.

Randy Jackson bedazzled his hoodie for the show. Paula Abdul came straight from her cameo in the Saturday Night Fever remake and Simon Cowell, well, looks like Simon Cowell. Ryan Seacrest's faux-haux isn't as symmetrical as I'd like.

In the audience tonight:

• Luke Menard, looking adorable and geeky.
• Jamie Lynn-Sigler, looking like one of The Real Housewives of New York City
• Carly Smithson
• Rascal Flatts, who I thought was just one dude for the longest time

It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week. We're treated to a long montage of the history of rock n' roll set to Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Night." Each contestant will sing two songs each, and the judges will critique after each performance, which Ryan explains while making a subtle dig at Paula for last week's drunken faux-pas.

David Cook

First up, "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, which came out in 1982, the year he was born. Imagine if you will a Duran Duran song getting the David Cook treatment. Any song, really. That's exactly what it was. Yawn. Paula was out of her chair dancing like a groupie on Rock of Love the whole time. Randy thought it was just okay, solid but not mad hot. The audience boos him angrily. Paula says that it left her with a big appetite. Get it? Also, ew. Then she said something about watching him grow and flourish when he does the EXACT SAME THING every week. Shut up, Paula. Simon thought it was good, but a little bit copycat. Simon then goes on to say that David didn't do what he's done in previous weeks which was to take the song and make it his own. Actually, that's exactly what he did. In previous weeks, he took someone else's song and PASSED IT OFF as his own. Simon says he'll get through to next week.

His second song was The Who's "Baba O'Riley." Now, I love this song. It's one of my top songs ever. When it started, my first thought was, "Fuck, this is really good." Then it got really bad. Then it got really good. By the time it was over, I didn't know what to think. Randy loved it. Paula wants more of David Cook, preferably with exposed penis. Simon welcomed him back.

Final thoughts: Safe.

Syesha Mercado

First up, "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. I thought she rocked it. It was sexy, fun and she sounded great. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a bad, shrieky version of Tina Turner. I just want to know what kind of arm workout she does.

Her second song was "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. She sang her heart out. I thought it was great. I also never noticed how ginormous her boobs are before tonight. Randy didn't like the arrangement and thought she oversang it. Paula loved it, and welcomed Syesha to her dream, which made her start bawling. Simon loved it, which made Syesha cry some more, and then Paula turned on the waterworks. Then Syesha? Compared her reality show experience to the civil rights movement? Huh?

Final thoughts: Bottom two, but ultimately safe.

Jason Castro

First up, "I Shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley. Which is just so… obvious that I can't even support it. You know his friends back home are sitting around a four-foot bong watching FOX and saying, "Dude! Castro is, like, totally singing Bob Marley! No way! He he! Awesome!" It wasn't very good. Randy thought it was karaoke. Paula wasn't crazy about it. Simon thought it was utterly atrocious, and compared it to a first-round audition massacre. He asked Jason what he was thinking. The answer? "Bob Marley!" (And weed)

For his second song, Jason attempted "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. And lest you think he isn't stoned all the time, he forgot the words and thought it was hilarious. I really wish Jason would let me pick his songs for him. He'd be all, "I want to do some Dylan" and I'd be all, "Splendid! Here's 'Just Like a Woman!' Now go forth and rock!" And he would. Randy said he wasn't in the zone. Paula said it didn't blow her away, but he blows her away, and if given the chance, she'd blow… oh, never mind. Too easy. Simon tells him to pack his suitcase.

Final thoughts: I voted for him several times, because I'm not ready to stop mooning over him. And he's the new Vote for the Worst pick, so he might eek out a win over Syesha, but I think I'll be saying goodbye to my dreadlocked lover.

David Archuleta

First up, "Stand By Me" Ben E. King. It was great. The crowd loved him. The judges loved him. Is there any way the kid isn't going to win the whole thing? I'm thinking no. Also, Ryan always manhandles David like an awkward father who doesn't know how to show love. Although David would probably prefer that to the beast that is Jeff Archuleta, I'm guessing.

For his second song, David sang Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender," causing 12-year-old girls across the country to spontaneously hit puberty like all the potential slayers on the last episode of Buffy, only in this case, it isn't to save the world from evil -- it's so that David Archuleta may oneday spread his seed. If anyone wants to start another LDS polygamist sect, I think we've found a new leader. And people talk about the Obama cult. Randy loved how he was tender and caressed each word. Really. He said that. Gross as hell, right? Paula said it was one of her all-time favorite performances of his. Simon said he crushed the competition.

Final thoughts: Duh.

Recap: Unexpected Song[s]

That title is for you theater geeks up in the hizzy. Song and Dance, represent!

Ahem. So last night was Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol, something I had dreaded even more than Mariah's appearance. I'm soundly in the Stephen Sondheim camp, you see. Sir Andrew is a right wanker, yo.

While I was totally expecting some of the contestants to tank, I will admit that many of them surprised me with their song choices. No one performed what I expected. For example, I thought for sure that Brooke White would tackle "Memory" and that David Cook would unleash the screamy on something from Jesus Christ, Superstar whereas David Archuleta would serve up some extra cheese via Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Syesha defied my Evita expectations and Jason Castro... oh, Jason Castro... why didn't he tackle something light like "Any Dream Will Do"? I think he would have done a great job with it. Instead, he took on a song that requires a serious belt and, you know, a vagina. Although, his "I didn't know it was sung by a cat" exclamation elicited an actual guffaw from yours truly. Priceless.

Poor Brooke White took yet another header off her once-comfy perch. She is just losing it. Even Paula was without sympathy and, for several seconds, speech. But then after a long pause, Paula returned to form with incoherent babble and she was all, "You need to make shit up when you forget the lyrics!" Really, do we want to use this woman as a model of what to do when put on the spot in front of millions?

Seriously though? Does anyone think it's wise to follow Paula's advice to just say "what's in your heart" when words fail? She does that shit week in and week out and look how well THAT'S worked out for her. Shut up, Paula. Just shut up.

Uh, what else? Oh right, celebs in the audience! Just like Jess, I spotted Paul Stanley but, unlike Jess, I thought he looked more like Mercedes Ruehl than Joan Rivers. Either way, his appearance is alarming. I dare say the KISS Army had a few defectors after that quick pan o' the camera.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Brooke White, Jason Castro, Syesha Mercado
Going Home: I don't agree with this but it might just be Syesha because of the one-two punch of Vote for the Worst and the sympathy vote for Brooke.

Top 6 Recap

Happy Earth Day, people! To celebrate, Idol will be using green power at the finale. Baby steps, right?

It's Andrew Lloyd Webber week. Jesus. Why is Idol doing this to us? It's like Beatles II: Electric Boogaloo times six thousand.

Syesha Mercado is doing "One Rock N' Roll Too Many," and I hate this show for making me have to look up every goddamn song. I'm not a big musical theater person, you see. How about a little chyron in the lower left hand corner, eh? This show is going to take me all night to recap. Aaaaanyway, Google tells me the song is from Starlight Express. Apparently, Syesha has a personality! Who knew? It was pretty great, actually, sultry and fun and on point. Randy thinks it's her best performance. Paula thinks she brought the house down, Simon thought it was sexy, and agreed with Randy. Everyone realized all at once, including me, that "Oh! So THIS is what Syesha is all about!" Broadway, not Billboard. And that's okay. She'll probably land a gig as soon as she gets booted, if her contract allows it.

Meatloaf is doing AT&T commercials, people. That is all.

Jason Castro is looking adorably dorky in an off-white suit. He has no idea who Andrew Lloyd Webber is, of course. I bet he knows who Bob Marley is, though. He's singing "Memories" from Cats, which is kind of hilarious. It's not very good, and believe you me, it PAINS me to say that. Randy thought it was a trainwreck. Paula thought it showcased his "unique being" and then babbled a lot because she's drunk. Simon deemed it the longest two minutes of his life, and compared him to a little boy being forced to sing at a wedding by his parents. Jason doesn't care -- he's got a four-foot bong back at the house and he's already on the tour.

I take back everything I ever said about Ryan's sexual orientation. He wants to bang old ladies. There. I figured him out. He has mountains of granny porn stashed in his house.

Brooke White is up. She's singing "You Must Love Me" from the Evita movie. She fucked up the lyrics in the beginning and asked to start again. Only the last time she had to start over, she was still awesome, and now she's just broken beyond repair, and there's no coming back from it this time. I actually hope she goes home soon. Not because I don't like her, because I do, but because I think if she spends any more time there, she's going to lose her shit in a big, not-at-all-fun, way. She's boring and not very good. Randy thought it wasn't so good. Paula thought the stopping and starting over was a major mistake. Simon thought it was uncomfortable. Brooke looks like she's ready to go backstage, drink a bottle of Southern Comfort, go down on David Cook and then collapse in a pile of tears and vomit.

David Archuleta is mauled by pre-teen girls. He's singing some lady song from Phantom of the Opera. "Think of Me." I don't know the original, but this sounds like 6th grade dance pop schmaltz. This show is never going to end, is it? Randy liked the runs, obviously. Fucking Randy and his runs. Paula thought it was perfect. Simon thought it was weak. Word, Simon.

Paul Stanley is in the audience, looking like Joan Rivers. Awesome.

Carly Smithson wanted to sing "All I Ask of You" from Phantom and ALW was like "Rubbish! Sing another song!" So she went with "Jesus Christ Superstar." She is wearing a kickass dress that I am coveting, hard. She sounds awesome, as always, and she's looking better every week. Randy thought it was good, but not her best performance. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty in the middle, but one of his favorite performances of the night. She has a T-shirt that says "Simon Loves Me (this week)" which is kind of hilarious and charming.

On a side note, I have an entire box of chocolates in my freezer and a raging case of PMS. I'm really worried about what's going to happen tonight.

On another side note, So You Think You Can Dance premieres May 22nd, and I'm literally beside myself with glee. Seriously, I just looked over and there I was. Gleeful.

David Cook is singing "Music of the Night" from Phantom, and ALW tells him he has to be sensual and sultry. And then they role-play a bit, and it's uncomfortable for everyone involved. I'm watching it, and I can feel David Cook trying to pork me through the TV, and I don't like it one bit. Stop trying to pork me with your sensual eyes, David Cook! I knew "sensual" was going to translate into "camera fucking." Randy thought it was an amazing performance. Paula thinks it proved he was well-rounded. Simon didn't like it because David didn't find a generic rock band's cover of it on iTunes to rip off.

Wow, Jason Castro sounds so much better in the rehearsal clip at the end than he did in his performance. Y'all knew those wrap-up clips are from rehearsals, right? Live show, not enough time to edit, and all that jazz?

Bottom three: Jason Castro, Brooke White and Syesha Mercado
Going home: Syesha Mercado

Just to clarify: I don't think Syesha is bad. However, people like me want to look at Jason's sweet, adorable face for as long as humanly possible, and Brooke is the new queen of Vote for the Worst, so I'm predicting Syesha by the process of elimination. Is it weird that I kind of miss Kristy Lee Cook?

Here's Brooke messing up if you missed it:

Results Recap

The good news is, I'm all done with culinary school hell and will actually have the time and energy to post on a regular basis! The bad news is, one of these youngsters has to pack up his or her dreams and head back from whence they came.

But first there's something important we need to discuss. What is that monstrosity around Paula Abdul's neck? It looks like a flower bouquet ate and then threw up 12 diamond necklaces.

Mariah medley time. It sounds like a middle school choir performance. Everyone is pretty terrible, and it sounds like seven different songs are being sung at the same time. Ugh.

Secret boyfriend alert! Ryan knows that Simon has a grass skirt.

The kids are divided into groups, which I know because my mom called me all frantic that David Cook might be in the bottom three. Jason Castro is the first member of the group on Ryan's left. I'll call them Team Sexy. David Cook is the first member of the group on Ryan's right, which I'll be calling Team Smarmy. I have to give props to David for not playing the sick brother card. Didn't even mention it despite Ryan's prodding.

Carly Smithson joins Jason's team, forcing me to rename it. It's now Team Less Sexy. Kristy Lee rounds out Team Less Smarmy.

Ford Fusion time. "I Want to Break Free" by Queen is the song. Apparently, if you work in an office, you're a puppet, and the only thing that can save you is a ride in your Ford Fusion. No, really. I didn't make that up.

Oh, Elliott Yamin. You were my favorite underdog ever, and yet I just don't care anymore. I don't know what happened, honestly. Aw! He has "We Miss You Mom" written on his hand. That touches me. I care again. Well, I don't want to listen to him sing again, but I do care.

Syesha Mercado joins Team Less Sexy, bringing the sexy back. Brooke White joins Team Less Smarmy, making it Team Blond. Am I losing you? Let me recap:

Team Sexy: Jason, Carly and Syesha
Team Blond: David Cook, Kristy, Brooke

I know that Carly isn't particularly sexy and David Cook isn't particularly blond, but I'm going with the law of averages here, people. Try to keep up. Which team with David Archuleta join? My guess is, the one in which everyone is safe, and I have no fucking clue which one that is at this point.

Call-in question time! I hate this segment so, so much. Joan, age 23, Vegas wants to ask Kristy if she ever got back the horse she sold to get to the audition. The answer is no, and Ryan asks the dude to not be such a douchebag and sell the damn horse back already. Jillian from Maine wants to know what the first record each judge owned was. Randy's was either Led Zeppelin, Beatles or James Brown. Paula's three, because she forgot that the question only asked for one, because OxyCodone hurts your short-term memory, were Jackson Five, Earth, Wind and Fire and Carole King. Simon's was Paula Abdul. Megan, age 15, Jersey, wants to know which of Paula's songs best describes her relationship with Simon. Megan is "the" Megan from Paula's reality show, which I don't know what that means but suddenly everyone is uncomfortable. Paula does some wacky wordplay with song titles and then says "applesauce" a bunch of times while standing on her head and rubbing her stomach. I don't fucking know. And this is the point where I tune out and start asking and answering my own questions.

Jess wants to know how Simon keeps his nipples erect all the time. Simon says, "ice cube bra." Jess also wants to know why Carly allows herself to be dressed in the most unflattering manor ever. Carly asks, "What do you mean?" Jess really, really wants to know if she can see Jason Castro naked. Jason says, "I thought you'd never ask, Sexy Mama!" That's right, baby. Come to Mama…

Mariah time, which in my house means "fast-forward time." Team Sexy and Team Blond are back up on the stage. Ryan summons The Archuleta, Decider of Fortunes. David Archuleta is safe, and in a twist of fate, David Cook and Syesha trade places! David Archuleta gets to pick which group he thinks is safe, but he sits on the floor instead. Team Sexy, which is no longer Sexy at all, is safe and he joins him.

Bottom three: Kristy, Brooke and Syesha. Syesha is… SAFE! Brooke is… SAFE! Kristy Lee Cook is OUT! IN YOUR FACE VOTE FOR THE WORST! She sings out by serenading Simon from her perch on the judges' table. She sounds really rough, but she gets a pass because she was crying five seconds ago. My guess is VFTW is going to pick either Brooke or Jason next. What do you think?

Top 8 Recap

Three nights of Idol this week, peanuts. I know, I'm crying, too.

The theme is inspirational songs, because it's Idol Gives Back week. Just hearing those words come out of Ryan Seacrest's mouth brings back my debilitating migraine from this morning.

Michael Johns is up first, and he's wearing another cravat, and singing Aerosmith's "Dream On," because he came to this country with a dream. Has he always done that frown thing while he sings? It's very distracting. Seriously, who said to him, "You know what would be a totally badass signature look for you? Cravat." The arrangement of this is super weird for me. Not digging it. The high notes are awful. Randy thought it was pitchy, and gets booed by six million cravat lovers. Paula's boobs want out of that constricting sparkly dress, stat. She loved it, because she wants to bone him while he wears his cravat, and it doesn't matter what comes out of his mouth. Simon liked it more than I did, but he doesn't like it when Michael pretends to be a rock star.

"I don't actually have any Chihuahuas, Ryan."

"Take a tight shot and you'll see."

What does that even mean?! Why is Paula getting jokes that I'm not, when she's barely conscious?

Syesha Mercado is up next, and she misses Ramiele, her roommate until last week. She's singing "I Believe" by Fantasia, because she believes, and already I know this is a mistake. She sounds good, but I don't know this song so I have nothing to compare it to. I find her very talented, but she still bores me to tears. Randy thought that she didn't connect with the song the way Fantasia does. Paula thought she made it her own, and loved it. Simon thought she sang it well, but it lacked emotion. He wants her to find her own voice, instead of biting off of other talented singers. WORD.

Jason Castro is singing a version of "Over the Rainbow" by some guy with a ukulele, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I know this version, actually, and I love Jason singing it. And if he were to sing it to me naked in bed in the glow of post-coital bliss, I would love it even more. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon loved it. I've got such a lady hard-on for that boy.

Kristy Lee Cook is singing "Anyway," by Martina McBride, and it's about pouring out your soul whether people want to put you in the bottom three every week or not. She actually sounds pretty good. I can't even hate on this. Randy thought it was pitchy, but liked it. Paula thought it was her best by far. Eric McCormack is there! Simon thought it was very good, indeed, and that she looked like a star, which, it was good, but that's going a bit far.

Some dude is sitting on Simon's lap, Mike Donell from FOX who Ryan says, "Hired us all."

David Cook is singing "Innocent" from his favorite band, Our Lady Peace. Favorite? Really? Something about everyone having a good heart at the end of the day. He's wearing a white drum major jacket, and I'm a little mad at him for that. It's not his best, but I'm joining Melissa in no longer having the ability to hate David Cook, and it fucking pains me. Randy doesn't think it was his best, either. Paula thinks he's the whole package. Simon thought it was pompous, and he also hated the jacket. Mimi Rodgers does not agree. David looks super-bummed, and I almost feel bad for him.

Carly Smithson is singing, "The Show Must Go On" by Queen, because the show is going on. She sounds perfect, of course, because she always sounds perfect. I covet her earrings. Randy thought it was good, then pitchy, then just okay. Paula didn't feel the connection. Simon likes her pants, but he hated the song choice and thought she oversang it and lost control of it, and it ended up being angry. He thinks she's in trouble.

David Archuleta had a hard time picking a song because everything inspires him. He's singing "Angels" by Robbie Williams, because there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. He's awesome, naturally. I actually really like this song. Randy loved the runs, because nothing gets Randy hotter than runs. Paula thought it was fantastic. Simon thought it was the best song choice of the night, but he thought it was a bit nasally. Some little girl has a sign for David that says, "Lick Those Lips!" which is just the creepiest thing ever.

Brooke White is singing "You've Got a Friend," the Carole King version, because like everything else, it makes her happy. I'm having a hard time with this, because I hate this song with the fire of a thousand suns. She seems awfully sad singing such an uplifting song, which is odd for Brooke. She looks like she's going to cry. Randy thought it was just okay, but he wasn't mad at her. Paula thinks she's definitive, and loves her. Simon thought it was, "nice," but not original.

Bottom three: Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson, Kristy Lee Cook
Going home: Syesha Mercado. I'm giving up on sending Kristy Lee Cook home.

And if you're like me and want to watch this over and over and over, here's Jason Castro's performance:

Results Recap

"9 to 5" medley: More awful dancing. The guys all sounded super weird singing it. The girls sounded okay, even Kristy Lee Cook. The contestants came off the stage to fondle the judges for awhile. God, I hate the medleys so much. They are painfully cheesy, and not kitschy cheesy, which I like. Just straight up Gouda.

Aside: I love Dolly Parton so, so much. She's a national treasure. I do miss her old face, though. I would also like to point out that a few weeks ago, I went over to Curly's for dinner, and we discussed Dollyweek. She said, "Who's going to sing "Jolene," and I predicted Brooke White." I also predicted Kristy Lee Cook would sing "9 to 5," but at least I got one right. Actually, she technically did, in the medley, so I am a physic phenomenon!

Michael Johns is… safe! And wearing a Dolly Parton T-shirt?

David Archuleta is… safe! I think it's safe to say David Archuleta could burp his next song and be safe.

Carly Smithson is… safe! And I can't decide if I think her yellow top is flattering or not. It's hard to pull off yellow if you're not Brooke White, because she is the sun in human form.

Commercial time. I have to see if my tater tots are done. And my tater tots are… not done!

I am not digging Seacrest's fauxhawk at all.

Call-in time! Haley, age 13, wants to know what Syesha misses most about her home life. Answer: hanging out with friends and family. This segment is so fucking boring. Robert, also age 13, wants to know what talent David Cook would like to have. Answer: organization -- he's a slob. I'm falling asleep here. Bill, age 26, wants to know who Randy, in all his skull-shirted glory, hasn't worked with. Answer: he'd like to work with the next American Idol! Kyle, age 17, wants to know what Michael Johns and David Cook want to sing on the tour. Answer: they haven't thought about it yet. Mary, age 52, has a question for Simon. Why does he feel it's necessary to apologize after a negative critique? Answer: Simon is officially off the hook! No apologies from now on.

The Clark Brothers sang, "This Little Light of Mine." Badly. The singer is a bizarro, less cute Jordan Catalano singing "I Want to be Sedated" after Rayanne choked and ran off the stage. Luckily my tots are done, and in case you were wondering, yes, I'm going to eat my tots, and no, you can't eat them.

Ford commercial. "It's Tricky," which I enjoy very much when I listen to my Clueless soundtrack. The Idol hopefuls are facing off with a bunch of black guys in basketball. Because black guys are good at basketball, duh. Not good enough to beat this group of skinny, multi-ethnic midgets, though! Just kidding. They aren't all midgets. Just some of them.

David Cook is… safe, healthy and sporting questionable hair.

Ramiele Malubay is… in the bottom three! And wearing a Britney T-shirt?

Kristy Lee Cook is… in the bottom three! And she brought some sort of note claiming her silver seat.

Past Idol update. Bucky moved to Nashville, got a record deal and has two singles out. Phil Stacey grew a beard, looks like my boyfriend now, and has a country album coming out soon. Bo Bice had three intestinal surgeries, took a year off, built a recording studio and put out an album getting back to his southern rock roots. He needs a haircut now more than ever. He's also a dad now, which he seems to enjoy.

Syesha Mercado is… safe! And wearing a Paula Abdul T-shirt?

Brooke White is… in the bottom three! Holy crap! My beloved Jason Castro is safe!

Ramiele is boob height to Kristy and Brooke. Heee.

Idol Gives Back time. An Ethiopian girl living in poverty was given a home and was separated from her sister. After searching, she found her, and their reunion was really touching. They're both off the streets now and in a shelter.

Dollytime! Singing "Jesus and Gravity" from her new album "Backwoods Barbie." LOVE. She is wearing the craziest outfit EVER, and it is awesome because it's Dolly. She looks like a bride at a wedding at a retirement community for active seniors in Boca Raton, Florida whose next door neighbor from Texas, Betty Jo, took a look at her white capri pants and cape and said, "It's nice, Dolly, but it needs more pizzazz! Let me get my Bedazzler!" And then they drank white wine spritzers and spent the night bedazzling and gossiping about Martha down the hall, who is a TOTAL SLUT. And Jordin Sparks and Holly Robinson Peete fucking loved every second of it. Speaking of crazy outfits, Paula Abdul has some sort of weird cutouts on her shiny blouse. She looks like a Russian stripper.

Results time. Randy predicts Ramiele is out. Simon predicts it won't be Brooke. Brooke is emotional and can't stop talking. Brooke is… safe! And Kristy Fucking Lee Fucking Cook is safe AGAIN. I shake my fist at Vote for the Worst. Which means that Ramiele is going bye-bye. I'm not sad, because she showed so much promise early on and then never really delivered, and if I learned anything from my parade of shitty ex-boyfriends, it's that you can't fall in love with someone's potential. She's young, though, she'll be fine. And successful. She pulled herself together to do a decent sing-out, which I always like to see.

Top Chef time, kiddies. Stay tuned for a news update later this week.

Dolly Parton Songbook - Recap

Well, the cards are stacked against me. This week, I fell for Time Warner’s evil ploy again: I had to take a few phone calls during the prime “American Idol” hour last night, and even though I had my TV on and was watching “Idol” while I chatted away, I also set my DVR to record the show so I would be able to absorb the subtle nuances and general Seacrest douchiness that I knew I would miss while having to focus the majority of my attention elsewhere during the broadcast. And guess what? Hey! You’re right! My NEW DVR box crapped out!

The humor is starting to wear off. I’m just about sick of this whole “let’s give her the DVR that’s going to go tits up in 20 minutes!” joke they seem to be playing on me. I’m this close to going out and purchasing an old school VCR and just taping the fucking show so I don’t miss it.

Here’s what I was able to see: Idol featured the songs of the adorable Dolly Parton and her whittled waist and missile tits last night, and I just can’t help but love that woman. Sure, I grew up on her music as any child of the 70’s did; that has nothing to do with it. She’s just as cute as a bug, (a bug with scary-big knockers) and there can be no denying that. She’s a brilliant songwriter whether you like country music or not (again, I’m a Texan so I’m sort of genetically predisposed to appreciate country music in one form or another. It’s in my DNA.) and just has a knack for a catchy hook that gets stuck in your head for months. I don’t know if I’d call her the most objective of the Idol mentors or not, but she’s just SO CUTE that to me it doesn’t matter.

My recap is as follows, and is probably completely out of order. You’re welcome.

Ramiele Malubay – “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind”. I thought, as Simon would say, it was “utterly forgettable”. Ramiele’s forte just isn’t country. She did a decent job, but it seemed sort of forced and unnatural. Beyond that, I personally thought it was pitchy and didn’t really showcase her naturally easy vocal. Randy said he “wasn’t mad” at her, and gave her a 6 out of 10. I thought that was a little generous for this performance. Verdict: Bottom three.

David Cook – “Little Sparrow”. David almost didn’t perform last night due to increasing stress over his brother’s failing condition and apparently had to be taken to the hospital last night post-performance with his own high blood pressure issues. He is reportedly just fine, being treated, and will be performing as long as he is in the competition. (which, depending on who you’re asking, might be until the very end.) I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but damn it, and please understand it pains me to say this, but I might be starting to actually like this guy. GOD I want to wash that out of my mouth… maybe it was his hair. KEEP IT LIKE THAT. The creepiness looked like it was almost washed out of it, and the comb-over? All but gone. THANK YOU, David Cook. I hope the Chester Molester hair is indeed gone forever. Finally a David Cook I might be able to get on board with. Maybe. I’ll think about it. Verdict: Safe.

David Archuleta – “Smoky Mountain Memory”. It was just good. So much better than last week’s debacle. This was the perfect Dolly Parton song to showcase his amazing vocals. Simon loved it, “Absolutely on the money.” I have nothing snarky to say about David this week. Verdict: Safe.

Jason Castro – “Travelin’ Through”. Okay. I’m a little bit biased because I want to have Jason Castro’s love children and take advantage of him in ways that are illegal in several states, but I thought he did a pretty decent job. Possibly the best song choice for his lilting vocals, but I’m not certain there is a single song in the Dolly Parton songbook that would actually make his vocals shine as they could. He did seem comfortable singing “Travelin’ Through” though, even though I’d have to agree with Simon that this genre isn’t particularly the best style for Jason. I’m a bit torn. Not about wanting to ravage him until he's broken into tiny pieces begging for mercy, you understand. I’m clear on that. I’m not entirely clear on whether or not I loved this performance. I’m trying, but this performance might land him in the bottom three. Verdict: Hot.

Brook White – “Jolene”. One of my favorite of Dolly Parton’s songs. I didn’t think it was perfect, but I have to agree with Randy that this sort of genre might be her forte. I’ll also agree with Simon though, in that it wasn’t one of her best performances. But there’s something about Brook White that’s just… forgettable. When discussing the show with anyone, I almost always forget that she’s still in the running. I think if she were competing on “American Semi-Boring Folk Singer” I’d probably vote for her, but I don’t think she’s cut from “Pop Star” cloth. Verdict: No fucking idea.

Carly Smithson – “Here you come again”. My most favorite Dolly Parton song. I was worried a little bit about her song choice at first, but in grand Carly style, she made it her very own and molded each lyric to her own voice. Her smoky higher notes were just perfect, especially for a song with schmaltzy-sweet lyrics like “Here you come again”. I thought it was just… well, perfect. Simon’s biggest complaint was about her wardrobe. I think he’d rather see her bitched-up like Amanda Overmyer, which makes me want to punch him in the neck. Verdict: Safe.

Kristy Lee Cook – “Coat of many colors”. Wow. Kristy singing an actual country song, and nothing about it worked at all. IRONY. She didn’t have to hillbilly-up this song at all: it came that way, all tied up pretty with a big ol' country bow, just waiting for her to hammer it home and she didn’t. It was the weakest performance of the evening from the one person that this genre suits the best. BOO. Paula thought it was her best performance, Simon thought it was “pleasant but forgettable.” Totally. Ryan Seacrest loved the French pedicure, which should answer a lot of questions for anyone who still has any questions about Ryan Seacrest. Verdict: Bottom three, possibly going home.

Syesha Mercado - Did she *really* sing "I will always love you"? I have nothing at all to say, honestly, but "Bottom three".

Michael Johns – “It’s all wrong, but it’s alright”. I thought it started out a little shaky and rough, but by the third verse I was ready to break the glass on my TV and tear his clothes off. He made me think dirty thoughts. His vocals were the best I’ve ever heard so far, and I think the arrangement was perfectly suited for him. The judges all loved it. I loved it. I loved him. Verdict: Rowrrrrrr.

Going Home: If there’s any justice in the world, Kristy Lee Cook is gonie-gone gone.

Top 10: Results Recap

Later, Fat Alfonso Ribeiro. But before we get to the results…

You officially have until March 31st to enter your schmaltzy, forgettable song for the songwriter competition. Get composing, Marcy.

The medley was painful, especially the David Cook/Michael Johns chest bump. A close second was Kristy Lee Cook's singing, and third, as much as it pains me to say it, Jason Castro's dancing, although he's still adorable even when he's in full-on dork mode. It's endearing, really.

We got to see the Idol hopefuls in the studio recording the full-length versions of their performances for iTunes. David Cook sort of admitted that he looks for other people's arrangements on iTunes so he can steal them as pass them off as his own (or at least he did before the show got some flack, and now we get a quickly worded, barely audible plug for the original cover artist from Seacrest).

FYI, if I had to sing a song from the year I was born, it would be "Lovin' You," and I'd use Eric Cartman's arrangement, and give him full credit.

Hey, Carly Smithson isn't pregnant! You know why we didn't report that rumor? Because we're girls, and we know the danger of wearing an empire waist when you have hips and normal-sized arms, that's why. Once, while wearing an ill-advised empire waist dress at a department store, an elderly woman in a wheelchair nearly ran me over and then said, "Watch out, honey! I don't want to hurt your baby!" Yeah.

Ford commercial time. I have to say, I'm enjoying them more this season. This one was to Cheap Trick's "I Want You to Want Me." They're still cheesy, sure, but the production values are better and they actually do interesting things. In this case, showing performances on T-shirts, CD cases, etc. I dug it.

I find it hard to believe that Chris Cornell called up Ryan Seacrest to rave about David Cook, by the way. And why did David have a scarf hanging down the back of his leg? Is that the new edgy chain wallet, only for like, pussies?

God, the new Q&A section is killing me this season. First question: Is Chikezie single? Yes, he is. Second: Why did David Archuleta pick a song that no one knows? Because it's one of his favorite songs, that's why. Third: How can she get Ryan Seacrest's job? Simon's answer: You don't need talent. He'll be paying for that later when Seacrest is withholding sex out of spite. Fourth: Who would Brooke White do a duet with? John Mayer. I think it's safe to say John Mayer would sully Brooke White beyond recognition. Fifth: Is Simon the most attractive person on the show? Simon says, "Have you SEEN my chest hair and dazzling teeth?" (He didn't actually say that.)

I can't even snark on Kimberly Locke. I find her tremendously likeable. She put out an album, lost 40 pounds and opened up a restaurant. Okay, I lied. I will snark on the boob mashing, goth prom atrocity she was wearing to perform in. What WAS that? It was totally something that the "So You Think You Can Dance" contestants would wear while dancing to a Wade Robsen-choreographed contemporary dance piece about a lady zombie who fell in love with a dude just as she was about to eat his brain, and decided to pirouette around him instead of having a cranial snack. She sounded good, anyway, but the song was kind of boring.

Last year, Idol Gives Back provided 120 million meals, 4,000 life-saving immunizations and 25,000 books. I won't give all the details about this year's lineup, because we already did and I've had a long-ass fucking day, but watch it. I'm sure my cold-withered heart will grow three sizes larger.

Bottom three were Chikezie Eze, obviously, Syesha Mercado (P.S. WHY DO YOU HATE BLACK PEOPLE, AMERICA?) and my Jason Castro, which hurt. I guess Kristy Lee Cook's pandering for the redneck vote worked. And Simon's inexplicable praise of said pandering. If they ever brought Hee-Haw back, wouldn't she be a great Hee-Haw girl?

I really wish the producers would let the ousted contestant sing their best song on the way out. I think it would be a bit nicer, both for the contestant and also for those of us who have to listen to it.

Later, kiddies. I have to go back and watch Tuesday's show now, and it's already midnight. Good thing I'm unemployed, eh?

A Public Service

From the inbox:

Where can I find the dress that Syesha Mercado was wearing on last night's show (3/18/08)? Who was the manufacturer or where was it purchased? Website? Thanks. - Geri

Well Geri, it's a good thing we have some fashionista friends (Thanks Betony!) who can answer these difficult questions. I believe this is the dress you speak of, yes?



You can buy it here. And, if anyone has $400 burning a hole in your pocket, I'm a size 6. Thanks in advance.

Top 11 Recap

Seriously. Why do we have to suffer through another Beatles week? Oh, okay. Last week was Lennon/McCartney, and this is the Beatles. Now I get it. That's totally different. Thanks for clearing that up, Ryan. Is Nigel Lithgoe trying to kill us?

I count TWO Simon winks at Ryan before the show even gets started. Maybe my friend Amanda is right and they are secret boyfriends.

Amanda Overmyer
Her most memorable moment so far was being on the big stage for the first time. Not like performing on a flatbed truck, that's for sure! She's singing "Back in the USSR" because it's upbeat. I hate to say this, but it didn't suck. Really, I don't just hate to say it -- it physically hurts.
Randy: Perfect song choice, but pitchy in the beginning. 7 out of 10, but it was good!
Paula: Sketchy at first, timing off. A little ahead of the beat. But she's unique. Wants to see her do a ballad.
Simon: Predictable, bit of a mess in parts. Needs to surprise people with something new before she gets boring.
Amanda says, "Whatever, I'm awesome and this Idol shit is lame! Suck it!" (I'm paraphrasing)

Kristy Lee Cook
She looks through her "photo book" every night to remind her of home. She has a cute dog named Autumn. She secretly hates Randy Jackson. Maybe I made that last part up. Maybe I didn't. You'll never know. Her most memorable moment(s) was being in the bottom every week because she sucks, and then not going home because she's hot. She's doing "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away," because she likes the title. For real. She's predictably terrible.
Randy: Interesting arrangement, but boring until the end.
Paula: She looked gorgeous, which is code for she sucked.
Simon: Needs hypnosis because she's a bad performer. "Musical wallpaper." Heee.
Kristy says, "I may suck now, but wait until I shift into full sock-blowing mode!"

David Archuleta
His most memorable moment was singing "Imagine." Not so memorable was forgetting the lyrics. He's doing "The Long and Winding Road" for no reason. It bored me to tears, and his vaguely constipated facial expressions made me uncomfortable.
Randy: He brought the hotness back to his game.
Paula: Exciting and wonderful performance.
Simon: Amazing.
The hell?

Performance by Kellie Pickler tomorrow! Aw yeah, I'm going to have a field day with that one.

Michael Johns
His most memorable moment was singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" during Hollywood Week. He's doing "A Day in the Life" because he thinks it's Lennon and McCartney's "masterpiece." I like Michael Johns. I think he's an understated, but very good performer, and I like his voice. I do not like this arrangement, though. At all.
Randy: Wrong song choice.
Paula: Dress rehearsal, blah blah, monitors, blah blah, Simon, blah blah. She hated it.
Simon: It was a mess.
Michael says, "I want to dedicate that crappy performance to my friend who passed away. It was his favorite song. How do you feel now, judges? Guilty?"

Brooke White
Brooke looks like the sun itself in a flappy yellow dress. Because she's a ray of sunshine sent down to the Earth to make us all smile and forget our troubles. Her most memorable moment was singing "Let It Be" and getting emotional. She's singing "Here Comes the Sun" because she IS the sun! I found it pretty weak compared to her last two performances. In fact, it sucked. And she should never attempt to dance again, ever.
Randy: It was awkward.
Paula: Liked the low notes, but pretty much hated it.
Simon: Performance terrible. Horrible dancing, lack of conviction.
Brooke says, "It's okay. Everything's okay. I will continue to shine my light on you anyway, because the sun is not spiteful. It only shines."

David Cook
His most memorable moment was stealing "Eleanor Rigby" last week (more on David's chronic thievery later this week). This week, he's doing "Daytripper" and wow, he just gave credit to Whitesnake for the arrangement. Mom loves David Cook, which hurts me. She also loved Chris Daughtry, so it makes sense. I guess his performance was okay, but I was bored.
Randy: Not his best, but still solid.
Paula: Ready to go sell records. Liked the voice box.
Simon: Not as good as David thought it was. Smug. YES! Lost his element of surprise.
David says, "I learned my lesson about being a douche when I'm criticized, so I'm going to say exactly what I'm supposed to, that I'll take the criticism and learn from it for next week, if I'm here. Oh come on, let's be honest. Of course I'll be here. I'm fucking awesome and everyone knows it."

Carly Smithson
Her most memorable moment was when Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson. She's singing "Blackbird," because her brother sang it growing up, and she wants to do a ballad for a change. Carly has pretty much a perfect voice, and I liked it a lot. I also love that song, which didn't hurt. But what on Earth was she wearing? You can't pull off a ruffled neckline when you have that many tattoos.
Randy: Very nice. Cooliosis factor. (Yeah, I don't know either)
Paula: Loved it.
Simon: Hated song choice. Indulgent.
Carly says, "This song represents my struggle with the music industry. We're all broken birds. Take that, Simon!" She got a "7" tattooed on her hand, because she's the 7th contestant this week and it's the 7th season of Idol.

Jason Castro
His most memorable moment was singing "Hallelujah." Mine too, Jason. He's singing "Michelle" because it's a real dynamic song and he gets to speak French. I loved it. He's so awesome and adorable. And he loves me, needs me and wants me. Guess what, Jason? You can have me!
Randy: Just all right for him.
Paula: He has a very distinct charm and Paula wants to bone him. She found it uncomfortable and a little awkward.
Simon: His face sold it, very charming and not obnoxious. His goofiness makes it work.

Syesha Mercado
Syesha looks gorgeous. I want that dress. Her most memorable moment was being in the bottom three. She needed it because she needed that kick in her butt. She's singing "Yesterday," because she did a Beatles medley in middle school and the song touched her and she wants to touch everyone. The pacing was super weird and off for me.
Randy: Very good performance.
Paula: Beautiful how she let herself be vulnerable. Needs to make more eye contact.
Simon: Best performance so far.

Chikezie Eze
His most memorable moment was the first round in Hollywood where all the judges complimented him. He's singing "I've Just Seen a Face" with an instrument that he doesn't know how to play. That's smart. I think it started out boring and then got good.
Randy: Liked the fast part, hated the slow. (Word!)
Paula: He did it again!
Simon: Thought the harmonica was atrocious. Gimmicky and not as good as last week.

Ramiele Malubay
Her most memorable moment was making lots of new friends. Brooke is her mom and David Cook is her big brother. She's singing "I Should Have Known Better" because it's upbeat and she bored the judges to tears last week. She's wearing a very strange outfit, but I think she's pretty good.
Randy: Not jumping up and down, but liked it. It was aiight.
Paula: Better than last week, but didn't showcase her vocals enough.
Simon: Sounded amateurish and chose a mediocre song.

Bottom three: Ramiele Malubay, Kristy Lee Cook, Chikezie Eze
Going home: Kristy Lee Cook. Please, America. Send her home.

Top 11: Song List

This week's theme was The Beatles Part Two: Electric Boogaloo (sorry, couldn't resist). Full recap to come tomorrow but here's the song list to hold you over.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "Back in the USSR"

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"

David Archuleta
Performed: "The Long and Winding Road"

Michael Johns
Performed: "A Day in the Life"

Brooke White
Performed: "Here Comes the Sun"

David Cook
Performed: "Daytripper"

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Blackbird"

Jason Castro
Performed: "Michelle"

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Yesterday"

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "I've Just Seen a Face"

Results, Etc: Hot Chicks, Bad Accesorizing, and the Problem With Syesha

We learned some very important lessons tonight.

The first is, if you're a hot chick and you're lacking in the talent department, you'll be safe on American Idol for longer than you deserve. Don't worry, though, hot chicks with mediocre talent don't win.

The second is, if you're a talented singer who doesn't connect with your audience on an emotional level at all, it doesn't matter how many notes you can hit: your days are numbered.

And the third lesson, which is the most important, and Randy Jackson, please take note -- if you're wearing a sweater with a busy neckline, not only is a necklace unnecessary, it's offensive.

So, apparently there are some people who deemed it necessary to call and write begging for more Lennon/McCartney. Because of this, we're going to be subjected to it again next week. Who are these people? Show yourselves! I bet they're the same people who sent in the retarded questions for the new call-in section. Oh, and I'm brainstorming a question that will actually get me on the air, FYI.

Celebs in attendance: Jim Carrey, Sanjaya and Shymali Malakar, and Katharine McPhee with a boring performance. She looked great, though. And I think she winked at her creepy old husband during it. I bet she has daddy issues.

We also had our first Ford commercial tonight, an election parody set to the tune of Cake's "Going the Distance." I thought it was cute. I especially liked the behind-the-podium shots.

29 million votes, people, and at least six million and twelve of them were me voting for Jason Castro. Can you beat that, Melissa? It's on. Start working that dial finger.

Top 12: The Results

My prognostication skills are reeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally rusty this season. I was 2-for-3 with my bottom three predictions. I correctly guessed that Daniel Hernandez and Kristy Lee Cook would bring up the rear. I thought for sure they'd be joined by Ramiele, but because America wants to make an ass of me, Syesha was elected into their sad ranks.

Further bruising my psychic average was the end result. Kristy Lee Cook inexplicably lives on. Who has to bounce, you ask? [Insert dramatic pause here]... Why, none other than David Hernandez!

Fuck my piss-poor prediction percentage! I'm happy with this result. That dude was CHEEEEEEEEEZ-ZAY. On the other hand, his prancing about in his birthday suit for male clientele gave us our best traffic since Antonella Barba's whorey pictures surfaced last season.

But whatever, the season's still young and there's plenty of potential for more scandal and shame. Naturally, we'll be here to fan the flames and recklessly report on it based on nothing more than questionable hearsay and filthy innuendo. It's what we do.

You're welcome.

Top 12: Recap

This is the week we butcher songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook. How coked up did Seacrest seem? Answer: a lot. Also, why did they get all the "ethnic" contestants out of the way first?

Syesha Mercado: "Gotta Get You Into My Life"
Syesha is a "working actress." Nothing on IMDB, so I'm not buying it. It was pretty good, but I wish she had either lost the shirt or buttoned it up. It looks like she's doing a hungover Walk of Shame. Not as screamy as usual, anyway. Randy and Paula thought it was okay. Simon thought it was better than okay, but that she needs to get her nerves in check.

Chikezie Eze: "She's a Woman"
I haven't been a huge Chikezie fan, but I thought he rocked this. The judges agreed. Ryan went fucking bonkers. I blame the coke.

Ramiele Mulabey: "In My Life"
Ramiele works in a sushi restaurant and smells like soy sauce. Her song is dedicated to Danny Noriega. I thought it started out good then got boring. The judges agreed, except for Simon, who hated the beginning.

Jason Castro: "If I Fell"
I voted for him about six billion times. He's Columbian, by the way, for all of you Googlers looking for "Jason Castro ethnicity." It wasn't his best performance to date, but he's just a joy to watch. I can't stop smiling when he's on that stage. Randy thought it was just all right. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a boring bedroom performance.

The Kardashians were there!

Carly Smithson: "Come Together"
I've had a problem with Carly through this competition. She looks like a badass, but she wants to sing Celine Dion songs. I can't reconcile that in my head. She rocked the house tonight, though. She has a tremendous voice. The crowd went wild. Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson, and I can't disagree.

David Cook: "Eleanor Rigby"
I thought it was shaky and all over the place, but the judges wet themselves. It's official: We have our Chris Daughtry. Might I hope we get a surprise vote off as well? I hate to admit this, but I think he'd be hot with better hair. His hair hurts me.

Brooke White: "Let it Be"
This is the Beatles' last single. I did not know that. She seems uncomfortable behind the piano, like she doesn't know how to connect with the audience from that vantage point. She plays barefoot, which I find oddly endearing. The judges love it. I liked it a whole lot.

David Hernandez: "I Saw Her Standing There"
I was longing for Tiffany during this. It was okay. I liked it more than the judges, who thought it was overdone. Simon deemed it corny. Ryan says "Hernandez" the way Alex Trebec says, "Nicaragua."

Amanda Overmyer: "Can't Do That"
Dig the extensions. Don't dig the Steven Tyler get-up. It was fine, but I'm so over her. Did she lose a ton of weight, or is it the vertical stripes? Randy and Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty and slurry, but still likes her.

Tyrese was there!

Michael Johns: "Across the Universe"
I dug it. Ryan thought it was just okay. Paula loved it, because she wants to bone him. Simon found it monotonous.

Kristy Lee Cook: "Eight Days a Week"
Awful. Just awful. The country thing did not work, and she has crazy eyes. The judges all hated it. Simon deemed it "horrendous."

David Archuleta: "We Can Work It Out"
Forgot the words, lost his confidence, wouldn't stop licking his lips, butchered the whole thing. Everyone hated it.

Bottom three: David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay and Kristy Lee Cook
Going home: Ramiele Malubay

Results: America, Meet Your Top 12

The royal WE built them a new stage and bought them some Beatles songs to butcher. This is American Idol.

Oh Christ. Blake Lewis. The boyfriend and I watched his video on one of those Music On Demand channels. He liked it. I broke up with him. Okay, I didn't, but I thought about it for a second or two. Apparently Blake didn't get the memo about removing one shiny item of clothing before leaving the house. Paula's rocking out in an inexplicable hat. I want to shoot myself.

While we're having a commercial break, did anyone notice how unbelievably unhappy Amanda Overmyer was last night? I thought for sure TMZ would be on it today, but alas. Maybe I'll find something when I do my super sexy news update tomorrow.

Over 36 million votes this week. I like Ryan's suit. The judges are awfully silly this season. I think everyone's dipping into Paula's Kool-Aid.

David Cook is... IN! And Lionel Richie loves him.

David Archuleta is... IN! And he makes people happy. He and Brooke White do a Mormon fist-pump.

Jason Castro is... IN! And he loves me! Okay, I made that up. He hasn't even met me. Yet.

Man, I can't wait until Amanda Overmyer gets voted off and spills why she was so upset in an interview. And if it has "American Midol Blog" in it, even better. for the traffic, not for our souls. We're clearly going to hell.

Brooke White is... IN! I didn't recap last night, but I did love her performance.

Syesha Mercado is... IN! I found her screamy.

Kady Malloy is... OUT! Which means we have to hear that awful song again. Also, she looks pregnant in that dress. I think she should host TRL. Asia'H is inconsolable. Ouch, this hurts. I'm fast-forwarding. Man, Ramiele is a cryer, huh? Danny Noriega is also crying. Buncha fucking pansies on this show.

David Hernandez is... IN! No more stripper poles for him!

Michael Johns is... IN! Duh.

Luke Menard is... OUT! Jess is two for two! I also predicted Kady and Kristy Lee Cook, but I didn't post it.

Paula looks like a glitter demon is trying to eat her brain. And she is shaking it hard for Luke. Totally wants to bang him. I think he should become a soap star. I love how bored Simon looks.

Danny Noriega and Chikezie Eze left. Who's going home? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Ramiele Malubay is... IN!

Carly Smithson is... IN! Duh. Duh for all the foreigners tonight.

Amanda Overmyer is... IN! And she looks bummed about it. What the fuck is going on with that girl?

Asia'H Epperson and Kristy Lee Cook are left. Who will it be? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Hey, have you heard that this is the most talented season EVER?

Asia'H Epperson is... wait, no.

Kristy Lee Cook is... IN! And Asia'H is going home. The hell? So now we're down to one black girl and one generic blond. That sounds about right as far as these things generally play out. What will they do about all the gays on the boy's side?

Her singout is making me misty, what with all the holding back the tears and the dead dad and whatnot. I must be overtired. And I think Paula is on ecstasy.

Danny and Chikezie are holding hands, which just made me laugh out loud. My cat looked at me like, "Dude, shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

Chikezie is... IN! Hey, remember a couple of seconds ago when I asked what was going to happen with all the gays? Uh huh.

Goddammit. Why does my DVR always have to cut off the last few minutes of the show? I shake my fist at you, Time Warner Cable!

There you have it, folks. Your top 12. I may be surprised, but I'm not sad. When Jason Castro goes, though? Someone better show up at my place with a bottle of Riesling and a Vicodin.