News and Other Silliness

AOL has their drag-and-rank feature up and running. Blake Lewis is in the lead. Surprisingly, Jared Cotter made the top six. I can barely even remember his performance, and when he first took the stage, I turned to my cat and said, "Who the fuck is that?" Vote here.

Simon and Paula may have dubbed Seattle the worst of the worst, but now that all's said and done, five semifinalists came from there. Granted, Rudy Cardenas was one of them, but still. (TV Squad)

Jennifer Lopez will be hitting the Idol stage on April 11th, which I can only assume is my own personal birthday present. Hopefully, she won't be wearing this. (London Net)

Vote for the Worst has named their first target of the season: Sundance Head. At least it's not Sanjaya. He may have sucked last night, but he's a cutie patootie.

Vote for the Worst has also uncovered the truth about Antonella Barba: She's a drunken whore (NSFW). Oh come on, she's from Jersey. Obviously she's a drunken whore.

Fantasia Barrino will perform on this Thursday's live show, and make a "special announcement." I don't know about you, but the suspense is just killing me. (Charlotte Observer)

Dial Idol has their predictions in. Top 3: Sundance Head, Sanjaya Malakar and Chris Richardson (aka My Future Baby-Daddy). Um, Sundance and Sanjaya? For reals? I hate America already.

John Peter Lewis, like, rules and stuff. (PR Newswire)

I Call Bullshit

That's right, folks. Every now and then, I see a contestant on American Idol who I think may be someone playing a character. Call me cynical, but I'm pretty sure the following contestants are full of shit:

Jonathan Jayne: Robust kid in the Hawaiian shirt


Nicholas Zitzmann: Awkward computer programmer

Kenneth Briggs: Bush baby

Darwin "Misha" Reedy and her "mother"

Seriously. Don't feel bad for any of these people. They are all improv comics who are hoping this character will get them on SNL. I have a theory, too, that the people that Simon really unleashes on are the people who he suspects are not who they claim to be.

Here's who you should feel bad for: Amy Salgado. AI has a formula for auditions. Only the hilariously bad and awesomely good get back stories. Don't trot out some chick with a kid and a crap husband and let her tell us her story in her own words, and CRY on camera, and then humiliate her after her bad audition. I mean, how is that not the cruelest thing ever?

See? I may be a cynic, but my heart isn't entirely black.

Links:

• Death by Camera does the leg work finding all the contestants' MySpace profiles so we don't have to. See them here.


• Television Without Pity's recaplet


• EW's recap

Seattle: A Partial Recap

I slacked last night, boys and girls. I can't even lie. I got home later than expected and didn't finish watching "American Idol." I did catch the beginning and I even scribbled a few thoughts on a legal pad. I'll give the episode the proper treatment later but for now, here are a few of the notes I took:

Jennifer "The Hotness" Chapton: Looks like Sy Snootles, the lead singer of The Max Rebo Band. Um, for you non-nerds, that would be the group that sings in Jabba's palace in "Return of the Jedi." Oh, shut up. You know you loved that movie, Ewoks and all.

Amy Salgado: The chick who needed water and complained "I have a really dry throat." Simon's reply: "Amy, you could like down in a bath with your mouth open and you still couldn't sing." Quite possibly his best comeback ever.

Darwin "Misha" Reedy: "Daria" meets "Working Girl." Dry, lifeless tone coupled with white sneakers and black tights. Did she commute to her audition? Her mother is dressed like The Church Lady. Or that weird chick with the bun played by Ruth Buzzy on "Laugh In."

Thomas "Tommy" Daniels: Looks like the first Lionel from "The Jeffersons."

Melissa Stavros: Hippo.

That's as far as I got, folks. More to come later. Promise. Mean it.

Photo: Galactic News

Wow

That's all I can say. Paula Abdul at KCPQ TV-13, the Fox affiliate in Seattle, talking about the auditions there, her magical pet monkey and how she's single-handedly going to bring peace to the Middle East. I mean, just, wow.