Recap: New York/Puerto Rico Auditions--always the hurricanes; blowing

Question!

Which of the below items does Fox most sorely owe me after last night's Puerto Rico and New York Idol auditions?

-- Cochlea Implants

-- $9.99 for the West Side Story soundtrack I just bought on itunes

-- Choreographed Magic!

If you guessed Choreographed Magic!, then damn straight. Because if there's one thing this theater nerd despised about this episode, it was trotting out the whole, "zomg, dueling Puerto Rico/New York auditions on the same night—just like West Side Story!" without FULLY COMMITING to the bit. You planted this bed of overcooked lasagna, producers—lay in your cheese. It's not like you don't have two long lines of fame-hungry over actors at your disposal. I want some stand-in Sharks, Jets, and a lot of well-timed snapping. It would have been so easy.

Unsurprisingly, I had to settle for a sadder sack of "fast-paced" New York vs. "nearing congestive heart failure" Puerto Rico stereotypes, further exacerbated by the show's constant flipping back and forth between the two islands. See, that's makin' my life hard, Idol, or at least super annoying.

But onward, fellow stage combat enthusiasts:

Kicking off the New York segment of last night's episode was 19-year-old Bronx native Adeola Adegoke, fan of Mariah and Mary J., quitter of day jobs, and an awful, awful singer. After four quick "no's" from the judges following her failed rendition of "And I am Telling You," Simon was strangely emphatic about calling Adeola's boss on her behalf to ask for her job back. But I was more perplexed by Randy's comment that singing "wasn't her skeeze." If someone could enlighten me on where one finds 'skeeze' aside from dirty old man bars, I'm all ears. Hollywood Verdict: Not happening.

Then we moved to San Juan to meet 20-year-old Jorge Nunez. Jorge was talented, dimply, and singing in a foreign language, so of course the judges were impressed, though they asked if he could sing something in English to cement their decision. Cue the following pearl of wisdom from Kara: "I felt your pronunciation wasn't as strong in English." Oh, no kidding, sage one, the Spanish speaker wasn't as strong outside of his first language? Simon schooled Kara right quick, elaborating that if they didn't want accents they would go to Omaha. But you already went to Omaha, remember guys? Good times. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Next was 20-year-old Jessika Bair from Michigan, singing Celine Dion's "I surrender." Spell-check and I are equally resentful of that unnecessary "k" by the way. Jessika is apparently great at winning other contests of questionable prestige and won the chance to audition in Puerto Rico accompanied by ten other friends/family members, all of them smart enough to lie their way to a free vacation by telling her of COURSE she is awesome and totally talented. Nope, said the judges, calling her over-the-top performance shrill. Cue excessive whining and pleading, which always goes over so well with that set. Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

We then got a montage of equally sucky, indignant San Juanians before panning back to New York for the living embodiment of Beck's Nightmare Hippie Girl in the way of 21-year-old Melinda Camille singing "Feeling Good." Melinda sang fine, but whatever. Here were some of the phrases being tossed around during the audition, assuming my whole ‘stabbing mechanical pencil into eardrum' routine didn't too grossly impair my hearing: shift in universe; souls; dancing; naked; uplifting; naked; Randy naked; vitamin boost. Had enough? Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go (no exclamation).

Onto 21-year-old Jackie Tohn, a female Elmer Fudd in high-tops doing a ridiculously shtick-y rendition of "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. The judges nixed Jackie's first song choice, imploring her to use her "normal voice" for the second song, which was still just okay. Lucky for her, a deus ex machina by way of crappy production values saved Jackie when pieces of the set behind the judges came crashing down. Flustered, they gave her a pass, but methinks she won't be long in Hollywood land. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Back to San Juan for some eye-rolling nonsense in the way of 23-year-old Joel Contreras, a giant cardboard iPod wearing time waster and consummate tool. It doesn't matter what he sang, and that's what's so frustrating about these faux-ditions. I thought this was supposed to be the new, less tool infused Idol? Why are we still giving these morons airtime? Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

Ditto for a swift cut back to New York to watch 27-year-old Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell butcher "And I am Telling You." The only redeeming facet of this segment:

Unfavorable remark from Simon
Norman Gentle: You hurt me where you get kicked sometimes!
Simon: I would have thought you'd like that.
Norman Gentle: You mean the way you like it when Seacrest does it?

Ho Ho! No Norm McDonald, perhaps, but this Norman's act is enough to elicit cackling and seal-claps from Paula, and we all know that when Paula laughs, Jesus smiles and an angel earns her pleather bustier. So incredibly, Nick/Norman/Cocoa Puffs got a golden ticket. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go (?)

Back in Puerto Rico, 9-year-old Christopher blows the judges away. He's so adorable! So articulate! He brought a seashell for them, but then the seashell broke! Oh, Hagatha over there? That would be his 16-year-old sister, contestant Monique Garcia Torres singing "You Can't Hurry Love." Monique was actually pretty cute herself and possessed a decent, if underdeveloped, voice, but the judges weren't entirely convinced. Lucky for Monique, they were so smitten with little Christopher that they agreed to give her a pass. Question for their future therapists: which of the two will be most mind warped when telling this anecdote—Christopher for being a blatant pawn, or Monique for needing one to make it to the next stage of the competition? Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Oh, former psychotic contestant from Philly, 24-year-old Alexis Cohen. The Idol producers totally conned you into this "brand new woman" persona for the New York auditions, didn't they? Lame, lame, lame, especially considering that the "new, lady-like" Alexis in a dress was even more disturbing than the first -- kind of a cross between Alex from The Real Housewives of NYC and a recovering meth addict on Intervention. Well "Alexis Doolittle" was just as unappealing the second go-around while warbling "Like a Prayer." After thanking the judges for being unanimously panned, she curtseyed and demurely ducked out of the audition room. Ha ha, nope: there's only so much you can suppress the crazy, people. Eventually it comes flying out in matching flipped birds and f-bombs, which was totally the case here. Nice try, Alexis! For what it's worth, I think Simon genuinely loves you. Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

For the last audition, we crawled back to San Juan, where everybody was fast asleep from their own mind-numbing boringness. 20-year-old Patricia Lewis Roman tried to put some pep in out step with her rendition of "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" to no real avail. Still, the judges were feeling benevolent and decided to wave Patricia through, a decision that was met with much fanfare by the fifty bajillion people waiting for her outside the audition room, making her the last acceptance of the day. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Thus concludes this turf-war of mediocrity-smoke in your pipe and put THAT IN, folks!

Next week... HOLLYWOOD!

Recap: Salt Lake City Auditions

Last night's round of screeching tools and modestly-talented peeps took place in the land o' David Archuleta, otherwise known as Salt Lake City. There were lots of mentions of how nice and "aw shucks" the entire city is but not one polygamy joke or reference to creepy compound living. I feel cheated.

Randy Jackson totally didn't know what state he was in and then said some crap about a salted lake. I think. I don't know. As usual, I mostly tuned him out. Paula seemed a little too excited about the city's tie-in with High School Musical. I have no point of reference with that movie so I can't expand on that thought further. Kara didn't really say or do much. And some local girls went nuts over Simon, which restored my faith in the universe as it was completely rocked the previous night with the hero's welcome Randy got in Jacksonville. Note to self: Don't go to Jacksonville. Ever.

Here are the evening's notables:

David Osmond
Performed: "Something Within Me" by Take 6
The last name is not a coincidence. David is the son of Alan Osmond, the big-toothed older brother of Donnie. Oh wait... that just about describes all the Osmonds.

David did a good job. He seems like a nice fella. The judges agreed but not before Paula and Randy gave him some shit about the song he chose. Kara and Simon then chimed in with some more toothless criticism but, really, I think they were told to string him along to create the illusion that he wasn't a shoo-in because of his last name. Oh give me a break. Were they really going to pass up an Osmond and all those potential money shots of Donnie and Marie sitting in the audience cheering him on? Don't insult us.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Tara Mathews
Performed: "One Day I'll Fly Away" from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack
Tara is a goth, by American Idol standards. Which means she scowls a lot and shops at Hot Topic. So cutting edge! Tara also claimed to have ESP. She said she knows when people are going to die. Oddly enough, she didn't foresee the gruesome murder of "One Day I'll Fly Away." Suspect skills there, Tara!

Also, Tara, sweetie, check your lipstick before standing before a panel of judges and millions of home viewers. It was all speckled and cakey-looking. If it was ordered chaos like Robert Smith's, I'd maybe forgive you. But that was a colossal cosmetic failure of Wet 'n' Wild proportions.

Naturally, all the judges thought she was a ridiculous waste of time. Tara sulked out and flipped off the camera while punctuating her obscene gesture with a flatly-delivered, "Word out. Word out." Is that some secret Utah goth lingo that I'm unaware of?

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood and, if I had my druthers, she'd hustle on over to Sephora to get some real lipstick.

Rich Kagel
Performed: ???
I have no idea what Rich attempted to sing. I was too transfixed by his crossed eyes and Cowardly Lion-meet-Vincent-from-Beauty and the Beast-like mane.

Verdict: Denied.

Chris Kirkham
This was the dude with the big pink bunny and the Simon face fan. I've decided that my policy toward such gimmicks is much like that of sporting events on broadcast TV. If some douche runs onto the field or causes a ruckus, the cameras deliberately do not show the perpetrator so as not to encourage copycats. I am hereby adopting the same approach. No further attention from me. Next!

Frankie Jordan
Performed: "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse
There are several contestants every season that I quickly earmark for relentless nitpicking and utter contempt should they make it through to the later rounds. Frankie is already on that list. Better pack a cup, Frankie.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Megan Corkrey
Performed: "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" from Show Boat
Megan was given the back story video treatment, complete with, ew, Collective Soul bed music. When Ryan began his dramatic voice over, I braced myself for a tragic tale of horrific death and/or dismemberment. What cruel fate befell Megan, you ask? Um, she was just divorced. Don't get me wrong -- it sucks and I feel for Megan, I do. I just hate the show's need to create some juicy back story when there isn't one. Stop crying wolf, assholes. And stop inciting some weird sort of blood lust within me where I feel disappointed if there isn't some sort of freak construction accident or something.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Andrew Gibson
Performed: "Oh Let Me Fly" by... uh, I dunno
Andrew wasn't interesting enough for an entire paragraph so I'm going to rehash my live tweet: Andrew = Pimply Ray Romano. That's all you need to know.

Verdict: Nobody loved Raymond.

Austin Sisneros
Performed: "When I Look to the Sky" by Train and "It Takes a Village" by Raffi
Austin is the senior class president of what looks like a nerdier version of Rydell High. But instead of greased-up burnouts, it's a gang of sweater-clad, over-achieving geeks who lettered in debate and student government running the school.

Austin said he auditioned "to inspire people and to tell them it's okay to follow their dreams." Um, because there weren't thousands of people already turning out in cities across the country to do this for the past eight seasons? Thanks for blazing the trail, Austin!

Ugh, what a douche.

Despite selecting "the worst songs so far," according to Simon, Austin made it through. The judges thought he was charming and likable. I personally wanted to kick him square in the balls.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood and joining Frankie Jordan at the top of my shit list.

Taylor Vaifanua
Performed: "Joyful Joyful" by, um... a church choir near you
The only thing I really remember about this audition is that Taylor is 5'11" and she did a wee hula dance. Oh, and Kara saw Taylor practicing in the bathroom a few times so that meant that Taylor "really want[ed] it." And here I thought it just meant that Taylor and Kara were on the same pee-pee schedule.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Rose Fleck
Performed: "I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King
At last! A heart-tugging back story and not some half-baked bullshit! Rose's father passed away when she was 13. Her mother died two years later in a car accident, which is truly awful. But now Rose lives with her best friend's family and they're one big, happy and supportive extended family. It warms my cold, dead heart, it does.

I can't say I loved her singing voice, but what she lacked in vocal power, she made up for with charm. The judges agreed and unanimously shipped her off to Hollywood.

Up next: New York City and San Juan and then that's it for auditions! Bring on the caterwauling, crying and catfights of Hollywood Week!

Recap: Louisville Auditions

Sorry so late with this recap. I'm still suffering from an Inauguration hangover. No, I wasn't among the throngs celebrating in Washington D.C. (sadly). Instead, I was working into the wee hours of the morning helping report on really important stuff... like who designed Michelle's outfits throughout the day (Isabel Toledo and Jason Wu, respectively). I hate that my already-cluttered and increasingly-feeble mind is bogged down with information like this.

Speaking of, I'm listening to the iTunes right now and it's on a truly random shuffle. While I'm sad to report that I'm prone to misplacing things like keys and eyeglasses mere moments after setting them down, I can still remember every single solitary word to "Science Fiction/Double Feature" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack. And I can give that Barry Bostwick a real run for his money with "Dammit Janet." Seriously, Barry. Suck it. I gots to find myself some Rocky-related karaoke. It's a shame to let a talent like this go to waste.

I suppose I should start recapping the show, huh? But auditions are soooooooo boring. I would so rather talk about musicals centered around horny transsexual alien scientists who build beautiful men they can gay deflower mere minutes after their "birth"... Alas, that's not what I'm not paid to do here. Sigh. Okay, so... on with the show.

Last night's 60 minutes of torture came to us from Churchill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky. After being schooled by the locals on the proper way to pronounce their fine city (some crap about sounding like you need to clear a big ol' loog in your throat) we were beaten over the head with every Kentucky Derby reference known to man. Ew and then footage of people doing air guitar. I wanted to die. Correction: I wanted to kill those assholes first... and then die.

Here are the hi- and lowlights:

Tiffany Shedd
Performed: "Hero" by Mariah Carey
Let's go ahead and add Tiffany to the pile of talentless schmucks with absolutely no idea how bad they actually are. Tiffany's parents were there lending their full support, as they no doubt have done throughout Tiffany's life. They probably show up at school every time Tiffany does poorly on a test and they yell at the teacher and complain to the principal and try to get the poor teacher fired. Because the problem is never Tiffany. It's everyone else. Not their precious Tiffany. It's no coincidence that in addition to a horrendous singing voice, Tiffany's makeup looked like it was applied by a visually impaired hooker who time traveled from the Meatpacking District in the 80s. It's not Tiffany's lack of makeup skill, you see. The mirror, like everyone else, lies and distorts.

Verdict: So NOT going to Hollywood. Possible institutionalization after pleading insanity when brought up on double homicide charges. Her parents never saw it coming.

Joanna Pacitti
Performed: "We Belong" by Pat Benatar
I'm not sure if it was because we were informed that Joanna was signed (and then released by) A&M Records that I was expecting the girl to blow me out of the water but really, she didn't do much for me. But Kara liked her and so did everyone else. Paula thought she was "worthy" which kind of threw me because it was both a tepid and succinct response. Those are not things I associate with Paula. However, I think Paula's economic turn of phrase was courtesy of a good edit in post-production.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood

Mark Mudd
Performed: "White Lightning" by George Jones
Mark Mudd is a descendent of Dr. Mudd, the dude who fixed John Wilkes Booth's leg after he injured it jumping from the balcony right after pumping Abraham Lincoln full of lead. Turns out, people don't take kindly to physicians who reset the legs of presidential assasins so keep that in mind, you bloody do-gooders! Before fashioning a splint for someone, check their hands for gunpowder or, you know, ask them if they've just murdered any public officials. If not, it's the clink for you! And, even worse, your last name will be used in a putdown that will be passed down through the ages. When you hear that someone's "name is mud," you can thank Mark's great-great-great grandpappy or whatever. Oh, also... Mark said he "almost died five times." I know I'm not supposed to giggle when someone says something like that but well... sorry, can't help myself.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood. If Paula had her way, he'd be locked up. See, when leaving the audition, Mark issued a rather unfortunate salutation: "Be careful in whatever you do." Um, I'm pretty sure he was trying to say "Take care" but all those trips toward the light probably short-circuited something along the way. Paula was all, "That was a threat" but no one really seemed to care. Security didn't exactly pounce on the guy and then even Paula grew bored of her mock indignation and didn't pursue it any further.

Brent Keith Smith
Performed: "Can't Get Enough" by Bad Company
Decent singing voice but he looked a bit too much like Spencer Pratt for my liking. And Paula was all too happy to be his Heidi Whatsherface. She had that look in her eye... the very same look she gave Constantine Maroulis and Ace Young everytime they took the stage. A look that said, "I wish I had a tongue like a lizard so I could quickly roll it out, lick you and retract it all without leaving this here table... not because I'm lazy, mind you, but because the Oxycontin hasn't kicked in yet and I've the jimmy legs, so we'll both have to settle for a remote licking."

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Patrick Warner
Performed: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson
Patrick wore a big-ass white t-shirt with his name on it in big block letters. It was a really unfortunate clothing choice, for many reasons, but mostly because it made him look just like Martha Dumptruck. Swap out "Patrick" for "Big Fun" and we'd have ourselves a dead ringer.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood. Possible herniated disks caused by pressure and strain from ill-advised pelvic thrusting.

Matt Giraud
Performed: "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw
Matt told us that he was a "dueling piano player." He then explained what it was but I missed most of his explanation because I was too busy thinking about the weird-looking kid from the "Dueling Banjos" scene in Deliverance, which then made me think of the scene where Ned Beatty was told to squeal like a pig and, from there, it usually takes me a good 30 minutes to return from the dark, scary place I go to whenever I think of Ned Beatty's dimply white ass being violated by overall-clad hillbillies with heroin teeth.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Ross Plavsic
Performed: "Cara Mia" by Jay and the Americans
Ross was a dorky fellow with a tremendous set of buckteeth and a penchant for discovering repeating patterns in Asian lettering. Like, for fun. I feel all smart when I can find a four-letter word in Facebook's Scramble application and here he's deciphering codes and algorithms in another language. He still can't sing for shit but, uh, I guess that hobby of his will pay off... somehow.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood... or getting laid. Ever.

Alexis Grace
Performed: "Dr. Feelgood" by Aretha Franklin
She was good but she pinged my "Possibly Annoying" meter for some reason. Jury's out though. I could issue a retraction down the road. Or an I told you so. We'll see. The judges all gave her pass to Hollywood. Kara took it a step further and issued these words of advice: "Don't wear pink" and "Make love to your fiance." Alexis then reported Kara to American Idol Human Resources and Kara is currently undergoing sensitivity training where she has to watch those poorly-acted reenactments of sexual harrassment usually involving an unwanted neck/shoulder massage in the pantry.

Aaron Williamson
Performed: "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" by Credence Clearwater Revival
Aaron was the dude who went "Woooooooooooooooooooooo!" a lot. And I'm not going to lie to you... before he started to sing, I was buying into his confidence. I was supremely annoyed by his enthusiasm, of course, but he totally snowed me into thinking he had the goods to back up all his hysterical hooting and hollering. And well, he didn't. He sounded like John Fogerty... if John Fogerty was in desperate need of Colace while yell-singing from a burning building.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood.

Rebecca Garcia
Performed: "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
This was laughably bad. So comical in its crapitude that Kara suggested it was all a big goof. See, Kara skimmed the background notes and saw that Rebecca was voted "Most Humorous" in high school and, naturally, that can only mean one thing -- Rebecca Garcia was really Howie Mandel in disguise. Kara was all "J'accuse!" and was trying to get the judges to see they were all being punked by Howie in drag. And that's precisely when Rebecca's lip started to tremble and then came the tears and it was apparent to everyone, including a horrified Kara, that Rebecca was, in fact, earnest in her attempt. And then Kara felt like a tremendous douche and was hustled back into sensitivity training as soon as production wrapped for the day.

Leneshe Young
Peformed: "Natty" (Original song)
Damn! An original song that didn't suck. I loved Leneshe and so did all the judges. Unless she chokes during Hollywood Week, I think we'll see her in the Top 12.

And that's that. Come back next week for more bitching and complaining about the auditions. Only two more to go!

San Francisco Audition Recap

So, are the auditions over yet? Yeah, I didn't think so. Tonight was San Francisco, where the freakshow parade was hitting their tambourines pretty hard. In the opener, we are told that Idol has a huge boner for San Fran, because it produced Katharine McPhee, she of the tanking album, and William Hung, he of the ironic faux-success. So right away, I think it's going to be bad. And I'm not disappointed! Most upsetting is Ryan Seacrest, who forgot to do laundry and was forced to host the show in ratty jeans and the hoodie he wears while he watches Lifetime movies. Luckily, Kara washed all the clothes she wore when she was a stripper going by the name of Irina, and she graces us with a bedazzled shredded-sleeved number.

I'm going to get the people who were important enough to have their names displayed for Internet mocking/Hollywood week recognition but had no backstory out of the way first.

Not going to Hollywood:

Nick Reed: 17, Antelope, CA
He had frightening hair and sounded like Charlie Brown's parents beatboxing. He also came after a "fashion" montage, which showcased people in line dressed like nutters and people auditioning wearing nothing even remotely interesting.

Jiayi Yu, 16, San Mateo, CA
Sang "We Built This City" by Starship with the same amount of enthusiasm I exhibit while watching a football game.

James Smith, 27, Sacramento, CA, Ballroom Dancer
He didn't sing long enough for me to decipher what the song was. He was also terrible. He should have held off and auditioned for "So You Think You Can Dance."

Going to Hollywood:

John Twiford, 27, Sherman Oaks, CA, Music Teacher
He sang "Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder pretty well. He's also cute-ish, with hippie hair.

Allison Iraheta, 16, Los Angeles, CA
She has shocking red hair and sang Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" quite well.

Raquel Houghton, 28, Los Angeles, CA, Waitress/Bartender
She sang "Son Of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield, and is pretty in a Manson girl sort of way.

Okay, now that we've got the filler out of the way, let's get to the contestants who actually got some air time.

Tatiana Del Toro, 23, San Juan, Puerto Rico
Tatiana is a "full-time singer, musician, songwriter, writer, assistant director and film actor" who has no IMDB listing. She does have a MySpace music profile, though. When she's not vamping for the camera or laughing like a certified crazy person, she is annoying everyone she comes into contact with while wearing an animal print spandex mini-dress with a tutu stapled to the bottom of it. She sang "Never Loved a Man" by Aretha Franklin, and it wasn't terrible. She's good TV, so she's going to Hollywood.

Dean-Anthony Bradford, 27, Pasadena, CA, "Entrepreneur"
Those quotes are courtesy of the show, not mine. I'm skeptical about his age, because he looks about 45, and he's wearing the most ill-fitting plaid jacket ever to attempt to fit a man. Randy says he likes the jacket, sarcastically, but you know he kind of does, or at least he would if it had drum-major piping on it. Dean-Anthony started a special events production company, but it failed. He sings Simple Red's "Stars." Badly. He looks like he's having a seizure while he's singing. Simon razzes him about his hair color, which isn't actually particularly weird, and he makes a carpet/drapes joke which makes me want to vomit. When they tell him he's not going to Hollywood, he's pretty sure it was the coat that did him in, and not his crappy singing.

Jesus Valenzula, 29, North Highlands, CA, Fleet Manager
Initially, Our Lord and Savior appears to have about 30 kids, but then they bring the kids in after his boring, forgettable performance and it appears he only has two. They're cute, Jesus 2 and Gabriel, so the judges send him to Hollywood even though he sucks and has zero charisma and rather aggressive eyebrows.

Dalton Powell, 18, Manteca, CA, Unemployed Rubik's Cube Master
Ryan Seacrest tells this laid-back mumbly fellow that he might want to amp up the energy before going in or dip into the Seacrest coke stash. Dalton does neither, preferring to smoke a blunt and then sing Smokey Robinson's "Ooh Baby Baby" in falsetto. All of it. He is not going to Hollywood.

Akilah Askew-Gholston, 26, Oakland, CA, Aspiring Songwriter
This chick brought two things with her -- original songs and anatomical diagrams of the human body. She can't pronounce larynx. Or trachea, but she apparently knows what both of them have to do with singing gospel songs. She sings "Make Sweet Love," an original song. It's terrible, of course, and she explains that it was because it "came from the wrong rectum." Paula tries to comfort her, and then walks off the stage in a huff, possibly giving everyone the finger. After they tell her she's not going to Hollywood, she interviews that she could have done better, but she let the judges "eractatate" her.

Annie Murdoch, 28, Novato, CA, Unemployed
She sings "Summertime" by Sam Cooke. It's over the top and screamy. Simone compares her to a drunk, and she's not going to Hollywood.

Adam Lambert, 26, Hollywood, CA
Adam was in "Wicked" and has David Cook hair. He sings Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it's good, but a bit theatrical and screamy. Still, he's adorable, even with the bad hair, so he's going to Hollywood. And in related news, no one on any reality show, ever, can compete with Sweet Suzie McNeil on "Rock Star: INXS" when it comes to "Bohemian Rhapsody," and if you don't believe me, I suggest you watch this video:



Kai Kalama, 26, San Clemente, CA. Musician
Kai has a sick mom and he takes care of her when he's not out rocking. It's a sweet story, and he's cute in a rough-around-the-edges-will-be-hot-once-stylists-get-involved kind of way. He sings "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by the Platters and it's good, and he's going to Hollywood.

And there you have it, folks. Hang in there -- the auditions will be over soon. that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

Monday News Update

It's all Obama, all the time out there in the news world, but we rifled through the inauguration coverage so that you wouldn't miss the Idol news that fell through the cracks.

Idol Stripper Gets Singing Gig
Remember David Hernandez, last season's stripper boy? Well, it turns out he's going to be crooning at the Grand Ballroom at the Renaissance Washington Hotel for the inauguration kickoff tomorrow. Also performing are Maroon 5, Host Jessica Alba and DJ and Lohan ladylove Samantha Ronson.

Idol Secrets Revealed!
Fox's Mike Darnell gave TV Week a sneak preview of what's ahead for this season. The highlights? More behind the scenes stuff, for one. There's a big surprise for the top 12 and it will be "controversial." Kelly Clarkson will make an appearance, like she always does -- surprise! And, uh, that's about it. Thanks for nothing, Mike Darnell.

Katrina Darrell's Secret Past
Stop the presses: Bikini girl Katrina Darrell used to be a Hooters girl. Grab the smelling salts! I know, I couldn't believe it either. I'm already sick of this girl and we haven't even gotten to Hollywood yet.

News, Scandals, and Everything You Need To Tide You Over Until Next Week

Well now, kiddies. It wouldn't be a season of Idol without some scandal now, would it? And naturally, there's news, too, like the fact that Jennifer Hudson is going to sing at the Super Bowl, and Idol continues to beat out every other show in existence, ratings-wise.

Hollywood to Emily Wynne-Hughes: SCRAM
As it turns out, the pink-haired rocker got busted for DUI in the summer, and if FOX lets her stay on the show, she may have to perform wearing an alcohol-monitoring bracelet. Oh yeah, and she also has a pretty nice ass and was working in a tattoo parlor the night Britney Spears decided to pop in and shave her head.

Casey Carlson Likes Bikinis Too
At least she uses her boobs for a good cause. Proceeds from her Campus Girls calendar go to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

Idol to Texas Club: Only Strippers That Can Sing Allowed!
American Idol producers are suing a Texas strip club for a weekly "Stripper Idol" contest. I have to believe that FreemantleMedia North America has better things to do. Like, oh, I don't, make their show better, maybe?

And finally, here's Katrina Darrell's "modeling" reel:

Recap: Kansas City Auditions

Wow, it's only episode two and the audition fatigue has already set in. BIG TIME. This is going to be a long season. So, let's dispense with the filler and get to some scathing critique, shall we?

Chelsea Marquardt
Murdered: "Without You"
I don't really know what to say about this. In my notes I wrote, "Ahhhhhhh!" and "Wooooooo!" which, I think, was an approximation of Chelsea's voice. I'd say she attempted several runs but I usually collapse into a giggling fit whenever I hear that term. For the record, I don't find it nearly all that funny when I've got them though. Not funny at all.

Where was I? Oh right... Speaking of shit, Chelsea's voice was unanimously dismissed by the judges. Simon likened it to "A cat jumping off the Empire State Building and the noise it would make before hitting the floor. If that makes sense." Yes, Simon, total. Then Randy tried to horn in on Simon's comment with some crap about a siren. Shut up, Randy.

Verdict: No chance in hell of going to Hollywood.

Ashley Anderson
Performed: "Footprints in the Sand"
Ashley scored instant brownie points by picking a song cowritten by Simon... and then she pissed them away when she mangled the lyric. She was all, "Blah blah blah footsteps in the sand" and Simon busted out his inner school marm and corrected her. Fortunately for her, she managed to bounce back and turn in a pretty good performance.

Verdict: Hollywood-bound.

Totally random observation: Ashley' has the same hairstyle as Creepella Gruesome from "The Flintstones."

Brian Hettler
Butchered: "Think"
With Brian's claims to have an opera background and his leather queen wardrobe, I couldn't help but think of Rob Halford. When he started to sing, I issued an immediate mental apology to Rob Halford. Brian opened his mouth and out came this super thick horrific voice. My voice sounded like that once... when I had strep throat so bad that all my sisters had to take a cycle of antibiotics. It sounded like I was gargling pudding when I spoke. But at least I had mold growing on my throat at the time. What was his excuse?!

No surprise here: The judges told him he sucked and Brian sulked out. "He looks NOT happy" observed Kara. I saw the look in his eyes and it was beyond unhappiness, Kara. It was more like, "I've made note of where you are all staying in Kansas City and I will chop you up into teeny tiny pieces using my fat lady opera spear."

Verdict: No Hollywood. Possible life prison sentence.

Von Smith
Yelled: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
I hate him. He's this season's Annoying Kid Who Lived in His Car. What was his name again?! Something kinda God-squad-ish. Jebediah? Um yeah, I really don't care enough to open a new browser tab and look it up. But him.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood, much to my dismay.

Random observation: At this point in the program, Kara has already said "package" and "big instrument." Methinks Kara has penis envy.

Michael Castro
Performed: "In Love with a Girl"
This is Jason Castro's completely baked brother. Dude can't even remember how old he is. I see many flubbed lyrics in his future. You know, assuming he even remembers to go to Hollywood. It's not like he can rely on his older brother to remind him.

Verdict: He made it though. And Kara called him "ballsy." Again with the weiner talk, Kara. What's your deal?

Matt Breitzke
Performed: "Ain't No Sunshine"
Matt is a welder. Matt is no stranger to the nighttime bar scene. Matt is Alex Owens.

Verdict: Matt and his leg warmers are going to Hollywood.

Jasmine "Jazz" Joseph
Butchered: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
Jasmine paid homage to Judy Garland with her take on this song... a drugged-out, boozed-soaked Judy Garland. God that was rough. Randy does a "look over yonder" type dance that only he thinks is amusing. And I suppose a few assholes at home do too. But I hate those people. They're the people who watch "Two and Half Men." And not in syndication either. I'm talking first-run episodes here.

Verdict: Yeah, no, Jazz. No.

Jessica Paige Furney
Performed: "Crybaby"
She's a good granddaughter and from the town in Kansas where The Wizard of Oz took place.

Verdict: Headed to Hollywood. Cue The Wizard of Oz references ad nauseam up to and including when she finally gets the boot and/or wins the whole damn thing.

Asia & India McClain
Performed: An original rap called "Cookies"
Apparently it was an ode to Randy. They said something about taking a shit so, uh, yeah... that's about right.

Verdict: One made it through. One didn't and, uh, I totally forgot which one is which. But it's the one who kinda looks like Pairs Bennett. She's in.

Jamar Rogers
Performed: "California Dreaming"
Randy said it was overdone. Paula said it was too loud and fell off pitch. Simon called it corny. And then they all said yes.

Verdict: Jamar is going to Hollywood and I'm totally confused.

Danny Gokey
Performed: "I Heard It through the Grapevine"
I saw Danny crying into the camera in one of the "Coming Up" promos and I was all ready to be dismissive... and then I found out the reason he was crying. The poor guy lost his wife four weeks before the audition.

Verdict: He legitimately knocked it out of the park and is deservedly going to Hollywood. Good for him.

Anoop Desai
Performed: "Thank You"
He was really good, even though he looked like the kid who wheeled the projector into the classroom in high school.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood sans A/V equipment.

Up next: A waste-of-time "Signed Sealed Delivered" shame reel.

And now back to the audtions...

Andrew Lang
Massacred: "My Girl"
I hate him and his stupid cheerleaders and I will waste no more time on him.
Verdict: Bounced.

Asa Barnes
Performed: "The Way You Make Me Feel"
Very nice. Not all the memorable of a performance but his cheeky answer to Simon's questioning of his song choice ("Because I liked it") helped him through.

Verdict: I just told you it helped him through, duh.

Michael Nicewonder
Not touching this one with a 10-foot pole. Poor guy.

Okay, losing steam here so let's barrel through the rest:

Dennis Brigham
"Sang": "With You"

Verdict: He annoyed and harassed his way through to Hollywood.

Mia Conley
Screeched: "Loving You"
Not very good at singing but she's got that smiting and threatening God's wrath thing down cold.

Verdict: Headed home to pray for the violent demise of Simon, Randy, Paula, Kara, the dry cleaners who shrunk her cashmere and the chick who cut her off in the Sonic parking lot.

Lil Rounds
Performed: "All I Do"
Mom of three. Victim of a tornado. Awesome singer.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood. Probably will be in the Top 12.

And I've got about a minute of battery life left so that is all. Bring on Hollywood Hell Week already, dammit.

American Idol Premiere: 8th Verse, Same as the First

So remember how this season of American Idol was going to be NEW and DIFFERENT? Well, it's not. Sure, we have a new judge who may or may not want to make out with Paula Abdul, and we had a girl in a bikini audition for the show, but aside from that, it's all the same -- dumb, endless montages, ratty shirts on Simon, and Seacrest thinking girls are icky, especially ones in bikinis. Here's a rundown of all of last night's noted and notable performance, with first and last names so you can go and look everyone up on MySpace and Facebook, because I'm not doing that shit until we get to the Top 36.

Tuan Nguyen, 20
"The Way You Make Me Feel" (Michael Jackson)
This guy and his fro could have saved himself a lot of air time -- and a lot of embarrassment -- had he not decided to dance. Related: he may or may not be auditioning for the next season of So You Think You Can Dance. No Hollywood.

Emily Wynne-Hughes, 21
"Barracuda" (Heart)
She got pierced and tattooed and dyed her hair pink so she'd never had to work in an office, which I can get down with. Also, it takes balls to try to sing that song a capella. Going to Hollywood/

Randy Madden, 27
"Livin' on a Prayer" (Bon Jovi)
This guy looked just like Izzy Stradlin and cried like a little girl pretty much the whole time. And he also sucked. And I'm not surprised that Ryan Seacrest can't tell his G 'n' R alums apart, because he was too busy shakin' it to Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time," back in those days, but he compared him to Axl Rose. No Hollywood.

JB Ahfua, 16
I found this guy mostly forgettable, except that it sounded like his song ended with the lyric "waking up inside of you," which is gross in a Dave Matthews "hike up your skirt a little more" way, and now I need to go take a shower. Going to Hollywood.

Michael Gurr, 17
"It Starts with Goodbye" (Carrie Underwood) then some song by Kara DioGuardi
He was nervous and barfy and sweaty and sounded like one of the Chipmunks having a seizure. No Hollywood.

X-Ray (Aundre Caraway)
He brought a guitar and never played it. Who is this guy -- Kip Winger? He sang some cactus song, and it was very noisy and jumpy. Randy loved it, because Randy is an idiot. No Hollywood.

Arianna Afsar, 16
"Put Your Records On" (Corinne Bailey Rae)
She hangs out with old people and encourages others to do the same. I thought she was sweet and cute, but nothing special. Going to Hollywood.

Elijah Scarlett, 22
"You're the First, the Last, My Everything" (Barry White)
Naturally he sang Barry White, as he has the deepest voice ever and that's all he could, theoretically, sing. Unfortunately, he couldn't even do that, and I'm a little sad we'll never get to hear him sing country. He reminded me of the "Let My People Go" guy from last season, and no, it's not because they're both black, you racists. No Hollywood.

Lea Marie Golde, 16
"Everytime We Touch" (Cascada)
This girls was wearing what looked like a pink felt cowboy hat, and she had a Trapper Keeper full of songs she'd written that she wanted to give to her favorite person in the world, Kara DioGuardi. She also couldn't sing. No Hollywood.

Stevie Wright, 16
"At Last" (Etta James)
She was low-key and a very good singer. Probably the best of the bunch. Plus, she was named after Stevie Knicks, which automatically makes her cool. Going to Hollywood.

Michael Sarver, 27
"Thank You" (Boyz II Men)
He has the 5th most dangerous job in the world, doing something on an oil rig. He was okay, nothing special, but he was hoping Idol would help him create a better life for his family. Sad story = ticket to Hollywood.

Katrina Darrell, 20
"Vision of Love" (Mariah Carey)
Ah, the bikini girl. Randy and Simon loved her. Paula and Kara hated her. She was good, in exactly the way that girls who get through to Hollywood in regular clothes are. Kara sang to prove she was much better, but she actually wasn't, and when Katrina pointed it out, Paula acted all scandalized but you could tell she was trying not to laugh, which was kind of awesome. And then she tried to make out with Seacrest and he begged her to go swimming instead. Going to Hollywood.

Eric Thomas, 17
"Ribbon in the Sky" (Stevie Wonder)
I don't remember this guy's song at all, but I do remember his "Sexual Chocolate" tattoo. And since he didn't make it through, his mom bought him a car, which seems like the wrong message, but who am I to judge someone's parenting philosophies? No Hollywood.

Brianna Quijada, 22
"Let's Hear it for the Boy" (Deniece Williams) and "Killing Me Softly" (Fugees)
She was sweet, and she was adorable, but she was a terrible singer. And for some reason, she's going to Hollywood. The hell?

Deanna Brown, 25
"Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" (Otis Redding)
She has a good voice, and I think she'll really start to shine once she has access to the stylists, if she lasts that long. Going to Hollywood.

Cody Sheldon, 17
"Wonderful World" (James Morrison)
Not only does Cody Sheldon look just like a goth version of former contestant Danny Noriega, I think he might actually BE Danny Noriega, in disguise, giving it another go. I smell a scandal! Going to Hollywood.

Alex Wagner-Trugman, 19
"Baby Come to Me" (James Ingram)
He used to sing in the closet and got mold poisoning because of it. He's pretty good, and may just be this season's loveable dork.

Scott MacIntyre, 23
"And So It Goes" (Billy Joel)
This was the blind guy. And he was good, but not great, and I feel mean for saying it, but I really don't think he would have gotten through had he not been blind. If you were following us on Twitter, Curly had this zinger: "I kind of feel bad that the blind guy has messy hair."

All in all, it was underwhelming. Or as one contestant we never did get to see perform muttered to the camera, "What a nightmare. This show is a joke."

The Idol Premier!

Last night, at the end of the Idol Season 8 Premier, Ryan Seacrest tried to high-five a blinde dude.

That is all.