Morning After News Update

Well folks, it’s over. Can’t say I’m going to miss it. I’ve been a little MIA lately, due to starting a new job, quitting said job, going to Belize and then dealing with what travelers to Central America frequently deal with when they drink margaritas that have ice in them that was full of bacteria that their fragile digestive systems are not used to. TMI? Maybe, but it could have been a lot worse. Anyway, Jordin Sparks won! Yay Jordin! Actually, I don’t much care that Jordin won, because Melinda Dolittle was my homegirl, but I am full of glee that Blake Lewis DIDN’T win.

Without further ado, here’s your news. We’re going to continue to do news here at Midol, with frequency dictated by actual amount of news, my motivation level, and how much I’ve had to drink the night before.

Why Blake Lost
Because he wasn’t the best singer. Shocking, I know. Also, because he was a giant douche. Okay, that bit isn’t in the article, but I felt that it needed to be said. Also? No one born with a penis should ever wear a glittery argyle sweater vest. I stand by that. (Foxes on Idol)

Best of Season 6
Consider yourself warned – the “best of” is just as boring as the rest of the season was. Better luck next year! (Reality TV Magazine)

Idol: Losing its Edge?
A deconstruction of season 6, and the impact Idol will have on the, uh, 2008 election? Yeah, I don’t know, either. (Newsweek)

Simon Says, “Later, bitches!”
Simon Cowell shocked the world and the very fabric of the lives of everyone who lives in it by telling Extra that he plans to leave the show. IN THREE YEARS. Yeah, not exactly earth-shattering, that. Another season like this one and he might have to bail after two. (Hollywood.com)

Clyde Pickler Loves the Pokey
Kelly’s daddy is facing four felony theft charges after stealing a buttload of cars last week. I don’t know about you, but if I was a convicted felon on parole with a marginally famous daughter, I’d think that was a good idea, too. (ImediNews)

Thanks for tuning in, folks. Our long national nightmare is now over.

The Finale: The Recap

In the immortal words of Barry Manilow... looks like we maaaaaaaaaade it! Finally! Sweet Jesus, this season took long enough to wrap up. It started out promising but it quickly descended into a steaming pile of poop and never quite recovered.

Speaking of a pile o' poop, let's discuss the two-hour finale, shall we?

The evening started out on a dubious note with Blake and Jordin performing a lifeless duet of "I Saw Her Standing There." Then Ryan introduced Gwen Stefani who was beamed in via satellite (although, it could have been pre-taped because the show is just that shady).

Gwen then warbled "4 In The Morning" while sporting a bunched-up frock that looked like it got stuck in her pantyhose when she visited the little girl's room. Not attractive.

Next up was the first in a series of painful Golden Idol Awards. Why? Why must we be tortured with this bullshit? Anyhoo, a yellow feather-clad Margaret Fowler took home the prize for "Best Presentation" and then proceeded to dry hump Ryan Seacrest in a most disturbing fashion...

Ew. I may never recover.

Then Smokey Robinson sang a couple of ditties with the Top 6 guys. I guess it sounded good. I can't say for sure because I was too busy scrutinizing Phil Stacey's suspect dance moves. Man, he sucks.

Up next, Blake and Doug E. Fresh engaged in a wee bit o' -- quelle surprise -- beatboxing...

Actually, if I'm being honest, I didn't think it was all that bad.

Then there was some other Golden Idol Award crap that I don't feel like discussing further.

Gladys Knight and Tony Bennett then swooped in (separately) and lent an air of class to the proceedings.

As Ryan introduced Tony Bennett, we got a glimpse of Constantine Maroulis who once again fucked the camera with his patented beady eyes/pursed lips combo. If that wasn't bad enough, the director cut to a shot of an applauding Justin Guarani who managed to look slimy even when appreciatively clapping for a legend such as Tony Bennett. Douche.

And then yet another unfunny Golden Idol Award where we witnessed Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth "Bush Baby" Briggs receving the "Best Buddies" trophy...

Because, apparently, these two easy targets weren't exploited enough during the auditions back in January, they had to be trotted out once again for a bit more ribbing in front of an audience of millions. It was bordering on cruel.

Up next was Melinda Doolittle singing about Jesus or turning on the lights or some such with CeCe and BeBe Winans. Then Jordin and Blake were informed by Ryan that they were each getting a Mustang courtesy of Ford. Blake then did a Borat impersonation that firmly cemented my hatred of him. Blake, not Borat. I adore Borat. I just hate young guys who impersonate him, you see. Ditto for people who do Pee Wee Herman impressions. I really hate people who do that.

And then we reached my favorite part of the whole show -- the African Children's Choir...

I adore these kids to no end. Look at their faces! Their energy and exuberance are completely infectious. I love them.

However, that good will was short-lived because a few minutes later, Sanjaya took the stage and once again desecrated "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. This time with the aid of Aerosmith's Joe Perry. What did Ray Davies ever do to you, Joe Perry?!! Shame on you!

And once again, Ashley Ferl, the infamous Crying Girl, was there and, as usual, she was in hysterics. Somebody medicate that kid. Now.

Adding insult to injury, Taylor Hicks then took the stage and tarded his way through "Heaven Knows" effectively draining what little joy and enthusiasm I had left in me. However, I did derive some pleasure by snapping this photo of Taylor where I captured him in full Stroke Mouth glory...

Up next Jordin Sparks and Ruben Studdard performed "You're All I Need to Get By." So wait a second... Blake gets to perform with an accomplished performer like Doug E. Fresh and Jordin has to settle for the least remarkable Idol winner ever? How is that fair? First, the producers make her sing a lame Donna Summer song last week and now this? Why do they hate her so? Why?

Then Bette Midler came out and sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" and I fast forwarded it because while I'm down with the Divine Miss M, I really don't ever need to hear that song ever again. Seriously, does anyone still have a real jones for this tune?

Oh wait, it turns out Jerry Springer does! So much so that he was moved to tears...

Dude, even The Hoff didn't cry this year. Pussy.

Then there was a tribute to The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" album. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It was just... random, for lack of a better word. I know they were celebrating the album's 40th anniversary but the lineup, transitions, etc. were just weird and kind of jarring, complete with Taylor pantomiming taking a bullet to the head during "A Day in the Life." Pity he was only "acting."

However, I will say that Kelly Clarkson did an admirable job with the titular song accompanied by Joe Perry who redeemed himself after his earlier Kinks infraction... I guess.

And then, finally, we reached the end of this exhausting marathon where we were rewarded with a proper and just outcome... uh, you know, considering our choices...

Ha ha! Suck on it, Blake.

That's it for now but don't start your blubbering just yet because we still have a few things to sort out. I'll have a Season 6 wrap-up in the days to come plus a final installment of The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram before we start winding things down for the season.

After that, feel free to bawl away.

Congratulations, Jordin Sparks!

The Top 2: The Belated, Half-Assed Recap

A pox upon us for a lack of a recap today. Those pesky day jobs of ours picked a fine time to get in the way of our Idol obsession. Oh, and there was also the small matter of me being out last night drinking my face off whilst playing Ms. Pac Man. If you haven't tried to gobble ghosts and power pellets while intoxicated, I suggest you do so immediately.

So I watched the show last night in the wee hours of the morning and I didn't really take notes because, well, I didn't feel like it. I'm tired, yo. This has been a long ass, boring season and it's really taking a toll on my motivation and creativity. Oh, and did I mention that I was rather drunk? A sure sign of my lack sobriety was the fact that I made toast at 1:00 am. You know I'm good and hammered when I start toasting shit late at night. I even set off my fire alarm because I had the toaster setting on too high. So, I not only had to eat blackened cinnamon raisin toast, I also managed to piss off my neighbors. Awesome.

So, now, on with what I can remember about the show...

What scary ass army is Randy Jackson a member of? That general's outfit?! What?!?!

Paula was doped up something fierce last night and as such, she's going out with a bang on this week's Insanity Index. Awww yeah.

Blake Lewis was mediocre at best. I fast forwarded his first performance ("You Give Love a Bad Name,") because I hated it during Bon Jovi week and there was no possible way I would hate it any less this week. Then, just when I thought he couldn't annoy me further, he busted out ANOTHER Maroon 5 song and it was dumb and boring and stupid and asinine. And then he was made to sing the songwriting competition song ("This Is My Now") and he sucked to high heaven and embarrassed himself but, miraculously, he got a pass from the judges simply because they said it wasn't the type of song Blake is used to singing. Well, tough shit. Hard work is not the type of work I'm used to doing but my bosses don't see that as a viable excuse for shoddiness. Bullshit. In the words of the immortal Tim Gunn, make it work, Blake.

Jordin Sparks attempted Christina Aguilera ("Fighter") in the first round and while it wasn't spectacular, she didn't make an ass of herself. She aced round two with a reprise of "A Broken Wing" from country week and made Blake look the marginally-talented one-note weenie that he is. Jordin finished up with a superior take on the otherwise dreadful "This Is My Now" and further proved that she's got the goods to win the whole kit and kaboodle.

Ew, I can't believe I just wrote "kit and kaboodle." I told you I was fed up.

Predictions:
Take a bow, Jordin. Sit and spin, Blake.

Poll Time: Who's Going to Win the Whole Shebang?

Wow, can you believe we're in the final stretch? Why, it seems like just yesterday we were talking about Apollo Creed lookalikes, bush babies, and hot pink stirrup arm tights. Ah, memories.

And now, here we are, at the end of the road faced with the choice between an overpraised copycat with a serious case of "old man mouth" and an adorable young thing with an annoying tendency to pantomime text messaging. (Stop that, Jordin. STOP.THAT.) Uh, I guess that's progress?

So, for the last time this season, what say you...

Who will be the next American Idol?
	Blake Lewis
	Jordin Sparks
Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 18

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy last week was 5.0 (out of a possible 10). Sorry for the delay. I have no excuse other than laziness. I make no bones about it. Anyhoo, for closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Admittedly, Paula wasn't all that batshit this past week. However, I'm tired of looking at the crying Paula face as well as the smiling, sane Paula face so I'm mixing it up a bit here in the interest of variety. Aren't I sweet and thoughtful?

Sadly, The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram will be drawing to a close. We'll slap Paula with one more sanity (or lack of) score and then pffft! Finito. As goes the season, so goes the Scattergram. However! I will follow up with report to let y'all know what Paula's overall Season 6 score. Aren't you just dying with anticipation?! I know you are.

Because I'm clairvoyant, I can tell you now that Sanjaya's average Level o' Suck for Season 6 will be a solid 10. Sorry, did I ruin the suspense for you?

Until next time, think nervous breakdown!

The Top Three: The Results

Here's your top two, America: Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis.

Wow, I'm really pissed. I took notes and pictures during the broadcast but thanks to tonight's results, I'm too digusted to post them. Seriously. For Melinda's sake, I'm glad she didn't win the whole thing because now she'll actually have a chance for a successful career free from limits and bullshit. But still, she should have made it to the finals.

And sadly, you guys were wrong too. Only 19 percent of you correctly predicted that Melinda would get the boot.

I'm seriously too cranky to elaborate on this. Maybe my mood will lighten by tomorrow for a proper recap. But don't count on it.

The Top Three: The Recap

Greetings and welcome to your weekly alcohol-fueled recap. Sadly, I'm not quite tanked up yet. However, I'm diligently working on it as I write this (courtesy of Blue Moon Honey Moon Summer Ale, thank you very much.) In retrospect, I should have started swigging this stuff sooner. Oh well, live and learn.

Now, is it just me or was Simon completely defanged tonight? What the fuck was that about? And Paula, dammit, wasn't all high and stuff. This makes me very cranky and I will take this dissatisfaction and... and... uh, translate it into data and then plot it on this week's Scattergram. All the rage and ambition fell out of that potentially emphatic declaration of revolt shortly after I started it. Sorry.

And now, on with the show...

Jordin Sparks
First Song: "Wishing on a Star" by Rose Royce (selected by
Simon Cowell)
This song was wobbly at the start but about halfway through, Jordin grabbed hold and smoothed it out. I dug it. As did Randy and Paula. Despite the fact that he selected it, Simon wasn't happy with the band's "weird jazz arrangement." Ryan dusted off his powers of selective listening and crowed that Simon didn't like his own song, an annoying non-fact he kept repeating because he's an annoying douche.

Second Song: "She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer (selected by the producers)
Unlike the judges who were unanimous in their praise, I thought this sucked balls. I don't blame Jordin. I blame the producers who saddled the poor girl with this relic. Clearly, they hate Jordin. I think because they're getting as tired of her heart-shaped and text-messaging hand gestures as I am.

Third Song: "I Who Have Nothing" by Shirley Bassey
(selected by Jordin)
Jordin resurrected this song from British Invasion Week. If she's going to rely on a repeat then I'm going to do the same by referring y'all to what I wrote back then.

Blake Lewis
First Song: "Roxanne" by The Police (selected by Paula Abdul)
Well, that sucked. And what was up with all that echo? I don't need to third and fourth generation versions of this bullshit.

I don't want to think about this song anymore. Let's look at an unflattering photo of Blake, shall we?

And here's one of the dumb ass sending the mic flying after fucking around with the stand:

Second Song: "This Love" by Maroon 5 (selected by the producers)
If I hate anyone more than Blake, it's Maroon 5. I don't know why since I rarely pay them any attention yet somehow, they've managed to find themselves on my "I hate you" radar. Sucks to be you, Maroon 5.

Third Song: "When I Get You Alone" by Robin Thicke
(selected by Blake)
Okay, so I don't know much about this Robin Thicke character except that his dad is Jason Seaver and he has a mind-boggling falsetto. To clarify, Robin has the falsetto, not Jason Seaver. Well, maybe Jason Seaver did but to my knowledge, there was no episode of "Growing Pains" devoted to it. However, in retrospect, there should have been.

You can't hear it but I'm now singing the theme song in the gnarliest falsetto I can muster. "Show me that smile again..."

Ahem. But I digress, I've seen Robin Thicke's appearances on "Today" and "American Idol" and both times, I sat there stunned and simultaneously repelled by the stank that was seeping out of my television's speakers. I honestly don't get the appeal. His voice was whispery, thin and really high. It sounded like a joke. Alas, it was the real deal and apparently, it's tearing up the charts.

I do not understand America.

So, getting back to tonight, I scowled when I heard Robin Thicke's name and was dreading Blake's attempt at being a castrato. And then, out came this other uptempo song sung in a normal register and I was actually relieved. Which is not to say I liked it, mind you, but I was grateful for the fact that Blake didn't sing as if his balls were in a vice.

So, uh, good stuff, I guess?

Melinda Doolittle
First Song: "I Believe in You and Me" by Whitney Houston (selected by Randy Jackson)
I tend to hate Whitney ballads but this shit was good. Although, it pains me to give even an ounce of credit to anything associated with Randy. I hate him. Maybe more than Maroon 5. But not nearly as much as I loathe Al Roker. Fuck you, Al!

Second Song: "Nutbush City Limits" by Ike and Tina Turner (selected by the producers)
That was hot. And the word "nutbush" makes me giggle. 'Cause I'm a juvenile tard like that.

Third Song: "I'm a Woman" by Peggy Lee (selected by Melinda)
Oh goodie! Another repeat. And you know what that means! Less work for me!!

Predictions: Before tonight's episode, I thought for sure that Blake was easily on his way out but that fucker managed to get decent reviews after each performance. Stupid asswipe. However, I don't think it was enough to stop Melinda and Jordin from making it to the finals.

And it seems that you guys agree. At press time (hee hee, I still get a kick out of saying that), Blake has 63 percent of the going-home vote.

Didn't vote yet? Well, what are you waiting for? The poll will be open until 9:00 PM EST on Wednesday. Speak now or you can't bitch about the results. That's our job, remember?

Poll Time: Who Will Be the Next to Go?

It's that time again, kiddies. Tell us...

Who's the next to go?
	Blake Lewis
	Jordin Sparks
	Melinda Doolittle
Free polls from Pollhost.com

And the Stars Say...

As in years past, astrologer Jeff Jawer has his Idol finale prediction. This year, he's predicting Melinda Doolittle to take home the crown (and the recording contract), with Jordin Sparks a close second, and Blake not even in the same ballpark. I'm not sure I agree -- I still think Jordin is the frontrunner -- but any prediction that gets Blake out of the running is just fine by me.

Get the planetary breakdown. (AOL Horoscopes)

So Easy Barry Gibb Can Do It

If you'll recall, I originally stated that Barry Gibb was channeling his inner Jesus on Wednesday's episode of "American Idol." While I still think it's an accurate assessment, I realize now that I missed an even more obvious Barry doppelgänger...

How did I not realize this sooner?

Oh but wait... I just indirectly compared Jesus to the GEICO Caveman. Oops. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to confession...

Update: Dammit! I'm not so original after all. TMZ made this same comparison a full day before I did. I just discovered it now. I'm not a copycat, TMZ. If anything, I think just like you. HIRE ME!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 17

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 9.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Not much to analyze this week. Between random countdowns and repeated assertions of Jessica Alba's hotness, we think Paula was hit one too many times with the crazy stick this week. Not that she was wrong about Jessica Alba being hot, mind you. No, quite the contrary. However, there's a time and a place for such remarks. You know, like atop a ladder perched near Jessica's window, far out of reach the angry Dobermans roaming the grounds of her estate. You know, so I've heard...

As for Sanjaya, the aftertaste of his suckiness still lingers and will continue to do so for the remainder of the season.

Until next time, think continued brain damage!

The Final Four: The Results

Y'all are two for two! Congrats on successfully guessing LaKisha's ouster in this week's poll. Any of you want to come with me to the track? Or the corner bodega to get me a Mega Millions ticket? I'll cut you in, I promise.

I still have a wicked cough but I popped a few Ricola and managed to suppress the full body heaving enough to snap a few pictures tonight. You're welcome, bitches.

So, on with the show...

After the usual blather, we were introduced to the judges (for those among us suffering from short-term memory loss, I suppose.) For reasons still unclear to me, Simon and Paula switched seats at the judging table. Paula tried to explain it but all I got out of it as "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" and "Jessica Alba, you're hot." Fuck what I said last night, the bitch is getting a 9 this week.

Anyhoo, since he was occupying her usual seat, Simon treated us to a dead-on imitation of Paula's seal clap. Behold!

And then, much to my surprise, and I'll admit, disappointment, Paula managed to make a funny with her accurate portrayal of Simon's creepy nipple rubbing...

During the recap of last night's performances, I made an important discovery: Melinda once again soaked the first few rows with some errant spit. How did I miss this on Tuesday?!

That's becoming an issue, Mindy Doo. You might want to hook up your audience with complimentary tarps from now on.

And then we were subject to some more painful padding to fill out the hour, including insipid, charmless man-on-the-street interviews and an extended promo of the upcoming Idols Live tour. I understand that the producers want to capitalize on the large audience to tout the concert series, however, who was the dumb ass who edited a promo containing quite possibly the worst performances ever? We saw Hayley murdering "True Colors," Gina butchering "Paint It Black" and, of course, Sanjaya's memorable mangling of "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. Um, do they want people to NOT show up?

Then Pink performed and it was awesome. I have no beef with Pink.

I cannot say the same for Barry Gibb and his gigantic dentures sorely in need of a filing down...

He finished up his song with a dramatic pose and facial expression that just screamed, "Rise, Lazarus! I command you to rise!"

I sat on my couch with a perplexed look on my face as the crowd showered Gibb with lengthy and loud applause. And Bill Maher! Bill Maher, of all people, seemed to really dig the theatrics, bad dentistry and all.

Really Bill Maher? You like "American Idol"? And... Barry Gibb? Seriously?

New Rule: Bill Maher cannot partake in such pussy dealings if he wants to maintain the inappropriately dirty crush I have on him. As it stands, that fantasy is kind of ruined.

The Final Four: The Recap

Good evening, ladies and germs. And I do mean germs. A lovely rattling cough has settled into my chest and it's making me quite miserable. Mmm... dry, barking cough. 'Tis lovely, 'tis. Between that and some girl trouble, I wasn't really in the mood to watch "American Idol" tonight much less take my usual batch of grainy photos. But I did watch and take notes but the camera remained buried in my bag somewhere so there will be no visual aids this week. If I have to be in pain, so do you all of you. Sharing is caring, yo.

Also noteworthy: I'm not drinking Riesling tonight. I bought beer instead (Corona Extra, if you must know) because I'm sort of mopey and I don't want to end up all depressed. Wine makes me weepy, you see. Also, I'm starting to get funny looks from the cashier at the Heights Chateau when I stop in for my weekly fix of Clean Slate so I'm lying low for a while. And by "a while," I mean until next Tuesday. Or maybe tomorrow. We'll see.

On with the show...

So Barry Gibb was tonight's mentor. He was pleasant and helpful, I suppose. However, the most noticeable thing about Barry had to be those ill-fitting dentures. Someone needs to call Select Dental, methinks.

Melinda Doolittle
First Song: "Love You Inside and Out"
Yet another solid yet non-descript vocal. She was roundly pooh-poohed as boring by the judges.

Second Song: "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?"
This started out dull and boring but Melinda really reached in towards the middle and breathed some much-needed life into this ballad. Simon remarked that "the second half of the song has put you into the semi-finals." I agree. Paula, on the other hand, tried to offer constructive criticism by saying, "Throw all your technique away and just..."

Just what, Paula? Yeah, that was real helpful. I'm sure Melinda is taking it into consideration. You're getting an 8 this week, dumb ass.

Blake Lewis
First Song: "You Should Be Dancing"
Second Song: "This Is Where I Come In"
Neither song was that memorable for me to critique them separately. Blake trotted out the 311-style vocals and beatboxing YET AGAIN and for once, Randy called him on it. Randy was good and cranky tonight and, I may soon regret this, but I sort of liked him tonight. When he's offering substantial criticism, he's less prone to saying things like, "Good looking out." I HATE when Randy says "Good looking out," primarily because I don't know what it means. Actually, wait... he said "Good looking out" to LaKisha tonight so I guess that makes it a moot point. In that case, fuck you, Randy.

Anyhoo, Simon shit all over Blake and I'm pretty sure it's going to fire up his base thereby securing his spot in the top three. Bummer because he's tired and he sucks.

LaKisha Jones
First Song: "Stayin' Alive"
Second Song" "Run to Me"
Again, neither song was distinct enough to merit its own paragraph. And again, LaKisha opted for an appalling green gown. Didn't we already discuss this, Kiki?! You're going home this week and you have only yourself -- and your questionable fashion choices -- to blame.

Jordin Sparks
First Song: "To Love Somebody"
Jordin wisely chose a non-gimmicky BeeGees song in her first outing earning her raves all around. And Barry Gibb totally hearts Jordin stating that there's "no greater version of 'To Love Somebody' than Jordin's" and then he said she'd be one of the great female vocalists of our time. Normally, I'd be jealous of the attention he was lavishing on my girl but dude, those choppers! I have NOTHING to worry about as my teeth are aligned and proportionate with the rest of my mouth.

Second Song: "Woman In Love"
She didn't fare as well with this song and the "Lord of the Rings"-inspired gown but her first number was strong enough to safely carry her to the finals.

Predictions
Bottom Two: Blake Lewis and LaKisha Jones
Going Home: As of press time (hee hee... I always wanted to say that), you, our esteemed Midol readers, think LaKisha will be hitting the bricks. And I'm inclined to agree. Ciao, KiKi. It's been real.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 16

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 7.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Okay, so while there were no tears nor seal claps from Paula this week, she did show a promising return to retarded form. She was rocking that far-away look in her glassy eyes and the same smirk on her face that I get after I just smoked a doob. As such, our Cranky Quotient plummeted to a gloriously anemic 3. We would have been less cranky had there been more histrionics and some solid blubbering but hey, we'll take what we can get.

And yes, Sanjaya still sucks.

Until next time, think psychotic episode!

The Top 6 Recap: Delayed Gratification

So you know that little Riesling habit I seem to have developed on Tuesday nights in recent months? Well, it usually provides the fuel for a good bitchy recap but tonight it's acting more like a sleep aid. A very potent and effective sleep aid.

Sadly, my buzz never quite took tonight. I went straight from sobriety to being a preachy drunk -- a yawning, preachy drunk, to be precise. Just ask Jess. I just got off the phone with her and our call ended with yet another of my patented (and admittedly tired) anti-Rosie O'Donnell rants. And dude, she wasn't even on the show. What brought that on? Poor Jess. At least I didn't get on my kick about the importance of unions and organized labor. It's a problem, you see...

Anyhoo, I took notes and pictures tonight and both are within arm's reach but I don't have the energy to craft them into something snotty at this hour. Tomorrow, most definitely but until then, I'm off to bed. But first, I'm going to leave you with a prediction for the Bottom Three based on the results of our latest poll: LaKisha, Chris and Phil.

Personally, I think after tonight's performance, LaKisha bought herself an extra week (or more, possibly). My girl Jordin tanked tonight and may have finally earned herself a spot at the bottom of the barrel. So for the Bottom Three, I'm going to say Jordin, Phil and Chris. Going home... it could be Chris. Or Phil. Oh, I don't know. I'll have firm answer after a good night's sleep and my first extra-large cup of coffee. Stay tuned.

Poll Time: Which Two Are Going Home?

I'm pleased to report that the fog o' nice that had enveloped me this past week seems to be subsiding. In fact, I just tripped an old lady out in the street because she was moving too slow for my liking. What?! Dumb bitch had it coming.

Ah, it's good to be back.

Okay, so our friends at American Idol were equally wussy during this aggravatingly feel-good week and failed to boot one of the final six. However, they're going to treat us to a second helping of "See ya!" next Wednesday. Twice the misery!! Aw yeah! So, tell us...

Which two 'Idol' hopefuls are going home?
	Blake Lewis
	Chris Richardson
	Jordin Sparks
	LaKisha Jones
	Melinda Doolittle
	Phil Stacey
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Top 6: Results... Um, I Mean, Cock Tease

Wow. That was an emotional two hours. Seriously, portions of it got me ::right here.:: Simon and Ryan's trip to Kenya was particularly brutal. I needed more than one tissue to get me through that bit.

Speaking of uncontrollable sobbing, anyone else think it was a little cruel to let Jordin Sparks twist in the wind like that? I totally thought she lost and judging by her sopping wet face, she did too. I don't think I need to remind anyone that SHE'S SEVENTEEN especially since Randy says it like clockwork, you know, each and every week without fail. God, that was cruel.

Even crueler? Subjecting us to the Celine/Elvis duet of "If I Can Dream" right on the heels of the celebrity-packed "Stayin' Alive" video...

I honestly don't know which one was creepier, to be honest. No wait, I do... Someone make the scary Helena Bonham Carter go away!

I guess there's not much else to say except that this concludes our week of subdued critique. Since no one lost, we can't do a victory dance or curse out the voting public. Well, technically we could but we'd look a touch silly. So, that's that and we'll resume being assholes again next week when there's no charitable causes to make us feel all guilty and shit.

And, continuing in the spirit of generosity and good will, I went and gave Paula a big ol' goose egg on the Insanity Index this week. But that's where this being nice bullshit ends! It's starting to give me hives. Grrr... Bloody do-gooders.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take an anti-histamine chased by a good stiff drink.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 15

Inspired (or rather, guilt-ridden) by this week's Idol Gives Back fundraiser, we're giving Paula a pass this week. Rest assured, we'll be back to scrutinizing her sanity level in earnest next week.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 14

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Ding dong, Sanjaya is gone! However, his data line remains because, really, his level o' suck will remain consistently high, with or without a berth on the show. In other words, the green line is staying.

Maybe now that the dead weight is gone, Paula will have one of them there bona fide breakdowns when she becomes overcome by the talent of one of the remaining hopefuls. Aw, fuck it... who am I kidding? She's as bored of this batch of nobodies as we all are. I hate them all for making Paula Abdul, of all people, appear mentally competent. This is a sad season, indeed.

Until next time, think hairy conniption!

Thursday News Recap: Special Sanjaya Edition

Hey guys! Did you hear the news? Sanjaya Malakar got sent home! I'm sure you didn't hear anything about that today, because like, the media is totally not covering every angle it can think of! This is huge, people! Anyway, without further ado:

Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy to See Sanjaya Go

Sanjaya on life after Idol

Sanjaya Thought it Was Awesome When Simon Told Him He Sucked

Britney Spears' Downward Spiral Now with More Sanjaya

Sanjaya Maxim's "Today's Girl," Maxim Offensive Douchebags

Vote For The Worst: The Search For The Next Sanjaya

Sayonara, Sanjaya

Normally when my predictions are this far off, I get a bit cranky but tonight, my friends, I'm happy to be wrong. I'm grateful to be wrong, even. Check this out:

Sanjaya's Last Ridiculous Hairdo



Sanjaya's Last Time in The Bottom Three



Sanjaya's Last Creepy Face



Sanjaya's Last G-Rated Camera Fuck



Sanjaya's Last Time Hugging It out with LaKisha

More coverage to come tomorrow when the shock has subsided here at American Midol headquarters. Until then, so long, goodbye, aufwiedersehen, adieu, Sanjaya. It's been real... annoying. Good riddance.

Part 7 Recap: The Sequel

My esteemed colleague, The Lovely Jess, already brought you her take on the evening's song stylings so I'm going to blow through tonight's lineup focusing less on the vocals and more on what is undeniably my strong suit: shallow snap judgments. As Randy would say, it's in my wheelhouse, dawg.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Where the Black Top Ends" by Keith Urban
Wow, I hate country music and well, this didn't suck. Phil's attire, however, did. Seriously, he needs to stop with the skinny jeans/oversized button-down shirt combo.

Oh, and again with the "I love you" sign language?! (Thanks for pointing that out, Bubbajane). So what, Phil is now courting the deaf vote? He should really leave that to Sanjaya, no?

Jordin Sparks
Performed "A Broken Wing" by Martina McBride
Wow, dude, that takes balls to sing a song by the mentor. That could have easily stooped to Blake-Sings-Marc-Anthony territory but girlfriend brought it home this week. That was not brown-nosing. That was bad ass. Although, the outfit? Was that from the Wonder Woman Evening Wear Collection? Jordin, I can't possibly continue to crush on you when you dress like this. Go see Jess about some image pointers NOW. Please and thank you.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt
Clearly Sanjaya was both competing in American Idol and simultaneously auditioning for membership in the Nashville Bloods with tonight's get-up:

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood
Notice that Kiki's titties were nowhere to be seen tonight. It's 'cause she was singing about Jesus, y'all. Understandable modesty. But really, What Would Jesus Say About Those Gold Lamé Boots? (WWJSATGLB)

Chris Richardson
Performed "Mayberry" by Rascal Flats
As cute as he is, Chris is getting hard to root for what with the flat notes, the bobbing and weaving dance moves (even during country week!) and his impassioned defense of nasally vocals. Still, he looked adorable and I don't mind keeping him around for some eye candy.

God, I really am the worst lesbian ever.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Trouble Is a Woman" by Julie Reeves
I have nothing to say that other than her usual masterful performance, Melinda looked fabulous and age appropriate tonight. Behold!

Blake Lewis
Performed "When the Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw
Whoa! I actually knew this song. Then again, my exposure to it is both through The Corrs and Ryan Adams, NOT Tim McGraw. But whatever, Blake didn't fuck it up with his usual "isms" as Paula called them and I can't shit on him this week. Let's see how long this stay of execution lasts.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Chris Richardson, LaKisha Jones and Phil Stacey
Going Home: Hmm... it could be Chris but I think Phil's reached his expiration date. In fact, he's been smelling for weeks but it's high time to ditch him.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Weeks 12 & 13

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 3.0 (out of a possible 10). Last week, she was a 7.0 (primarily for the Sanjaya/Frank Sinatra comparison) but I was too lazy to post about it. You'll live. For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Haley's ouster was long overdue and not at all shocking and since Paula wasn't too keen on her anyway, there was no real catalyst for a certified crying jag. In fact, there were no discernible outbursts or flashes of crazy this week at all. Man, this season sucks. However, Paula's eyes were quit slit-like and her speech had a slower cadence, which to me, suggests medication of the sedative variety. Actually, come to think of it, she looked a lot like I did after I was doped up on hydrocodone after getting a few teeth yanked some years back. Mmm... Vicodin.

Until next time, think chemical imbalance!

Top 8: The Recap

Welcome to Latin Week, or as I like to call it: The Tribute to Santana and Gloria Estefan. Apparently, judging by this week's song selections, the only exposure this crop of contestants had to so-called Latin music was at the dentist's office or in elevators.

Oh and I totally take back what I said about J.Lo yesterday because she was actually a thoughtful and helpful mentor. I'm big enough to admit when I've been a beaver. Just don't any of you jump on the bandwagon 'cause I'll cut a bitch. I so will. Seriously, don't try me.

Okay, enough with the idle threats and on with the show...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Sway"
As always, I thought Melinda did a fine job with this. Yes, she lacked a smoldering passion but there's only so much heat one can exude when completely devoid of a neck.

Also, I didn't dig Simon jumping all over her tonight. I thought it had less to do with the quality of her performance and more to do with the fact that he wanted to finally rag on her after all this time. Not nice, Simon. Not nice. Point that vitriol at Blake. Boyfriend needs to be taken down a notch or twelve.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Conga" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
OMG, I hated this. Then again, I hate the Gloria Estefan version of this song so LaKisha was up shit's creek from the get-go. Even Paula pooped on it in that way that only Paula can, "First, you look lovely..." and then she went to repeat various iterations of the phrase "safe performance" more times than I can remember. Translation: You sucked balls, Kiki.

Oh, and again with trotting out the gigantic titties! Check these out:

I guess LaKisha figures if bare legs are keeping Haley around, she might as well flaunt her congas, er, I mean cans. I mean breasts. Yes, breasts.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Smooth" by Santana
Oh man, Chris, why'd you have to go and ruin it for me? I was loving you so much and then you had to drag Rob Thomas into it. That's unforgivable and you deserve to be punished. Go see Jess for a spanking.

Haley Scarnato
Performed "Turn the Beat Around" by Gloria Estefan
She sucked, yadda, yadda, yadda. I can't keep coming up with new ways to say this so I won't even try. Instead, here's the requisite hoochie mama shot of Haley and her legs for all you dirty Googlers:

Phil Stacey
Performed "Maria, Maria" by Santana
J.Lo said Phil gave her goose pimples. Not to be outdone, I want you all to know that Creepy Phil makes me shit my pants at least once a week.

Also, Phil doesn't know how to count. His assigned number this week was "5" and lookie how many digits he's holding up during his "appeal."

Good, more votes for Chris Richardson, even though he broke my heart with his Matchbox 20 association.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
Yet another song I detest. But I do find it promising that Jordin, when asked by a viewer what theme she'd pick for an upcoming show, stated 80s music as her choice. With the exception of Gloria Estefan and that ilk, I adore the 80s music. I think it's a sign.

Jordin, I'll spin you right 'round like a record, baby, round round. I'll stop the world and melt with you. I want you to want me. When a problem comes around, we must whip it. We got the beat and, uh, I've got Bette Davis eyes. Actually, I don't but it sounded good and oh, fuck it. I'm drunk. I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Need to Know" by Marc Anthony
The minute he announced his song choice I yelled, "Ass kisser!" Way to brownie up to the mentor, Blake.

Much to my chagrin, Randy and Simon called it a great song choice and best of the night. Paula stated that the performance "captured the essence of who you are." To which I yelled, "Yeah, a tremendous douche bag copycat!"

I was doing a lot of yelling at the screen tonight. Again, I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Besame Mucho"
Is it just me or did Sanjaya look just like El DeBarge tonight?

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... LaKisha Jones are in the Bottom Three. Phil, pack your coffin and go.

Tuesday News Update

Chris Sligh Rockin' Out for Jesus
While the jury is still out on whether Chris Sligh did or did not, in fact, bring chubby back, being on Idol has increased the popularity of his Christian rock band Half Past Forever. Next stop for the guys -- getting signed to a Christian rock label. Also, Phil Stacey is a Christian artist, which I somehow missed when I did my first roundup of Jesus-lovin' folk. (Christian Post)

Hate the Blog, Not the Blogger
Speaking of Chris Sligh, here's his blog. The show shut down said blog after Hollywood week, and forbade any of the contestants from blogging about their experiences. Personally, I think that's dumb. Since not everyone gets equal screen time, especially if someone else has naked pictures all over the Internet, letting people read what you have to say would allow them to get to know you. Just my two cents. (MTV)

Ken Warwick to Howard Stern: Suck it!
Actually, Executive Producer Ken Warwick didn't say that at all. What he did say, is that with 37 million votes each week, the shock jock isn't having a huge impact on results. Which means America is doing this, which means I weep for my country. (ET Online)

Sanjaya's Murder Plot Foiled
"J," the MySpacer who has been on a hunger strike until Sanjaya gets voted off, got hungry and ate something after her doctor told her she was being a crazy bitch and to knock it off. (TMZ)

And this isn't news, per se, but the Fug Girls have a hilarious post about one Ms. Paula Abdul in a truly baffling outfit.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 11... Now with More Sanjaya!

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.5 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Paula actually had her shit together this week. Her behavior is becoming as predictable and boring as American Idol itself. I blame the contestants, both for boring the shit out of us and keeping Paula sharp. She has no one to root for this season. Last year, Elliott's manky teeth captured Paula's heart and she championed the little troll all the way into the final three, blubbering and bawling the whole way. LaKisha has a somewhat busted grill but she's not nearly as lovable as Elliott. Melinda has no neck but then again, that's not really all that endearing a malady. It would appear that we're screwed.

Since Paula's instability has taken a backseat to Sanjaya's unlikely popularity this season, we've decided to track his performance each with a Level o' Suck (depicted in green above). Actually, we took the liberty of slapping him with a 10 for the remainder of the season because, let's face it, he's not exactly going to improve. While his hairdos may change from week to week, his shitty brand of whispery suck remains consistently awful.

But there's still a small shred of hope for Paula. Maybe she'll lose her shit because of Sanjaya's staying power. Or maybe LaKisha's boring and predictable song choices will make her fly off the handle. Or perhaps Blake will spray it, not say it during one of his beatbox routines and some saliva will land in her big red Coke cup and will send her into a rage unlike anything we've ever seen before. Hell, if someone cut my vodka with spit, I'd start kicking people in the teeth right quick.

Fingers crossed that Paula is similarly prone to gross overreactions!

Friday News Update

Chris Sligh is a Quitter
Chris Sligh tells Access Hollywood he was going to quit Idol two weeks before he got the boot. His reason for staying? Money. Specifically the money he's going to earn on the summer tour, which he wouldn't have gotten to go on had he quit the show. That doesn't sound very Christian. Also, the article goes on to say that he was kicked out of the Christian fundamentalist Bob Jones University for attending a "contemporary Christian concert featuring the group 4Him." If anyone can explain that one to me, I'm all ears.

Shyamali Malakar has Boobs
This isn't news, per se, but if you want to see Sanjaya's big sister in a low-cut top bouncing around, well, this is the link for you.

Idol Hopefuls Have Secrets
People got the sixth season finalists to spill the beans about relationships, body images and who they're most excited to be mentored by this season. Blake Lewis talks about how he needs to get laid. No really. He does.

More Idol Conspiracy Theories
I don't remember this happening, but apparently last week Chris Sligh said, "Hi Dave" at the end of his performance. The Dave in question? David Della Terza, founder of Vote for the Worst. Now, some people with a lot of time on their hands are claiming that Sligh wasn't in fact sent home because the American public didn't vote for him, but that it was a behind-the-scenes producer takedown. Yeah, it couldn't have been because he totally sucked or anything.

Chris Sligh Hearts Sanjaya
After getting voted off the show, Chris Sligh said Sanjaya's faux hawk was "killer" and that the public underestimates his talent. Also, Chris Sligh bet Phil Stacey 50 bucks that he was going home, and Phil paid up.

AOL Also Hearts Sanjaya
And they want to give you all the reasons why, complete with a slideshow. It's pretty amusing, actually.

Also, I'd just like to say that I've sort of reversed my stance on Sanjaya Malakar. I'm not going to vote for him, of course, but I feel like he embraced the "I suck" thing this week and decided to be the next William Hung, and I sort of dig him for that. Also, the show's really fucking boring this season, and this controversy is at least shaking things up a little.

Results Show Recap

D'oh! My record for predicting cast-offs is no longer flawless. So long, Chris Sligh. I knew you were on your way out but I thought you had at least one more week in you. Alas, Haley Scarnato and her long legs tripped us both up.

Sigh... where's Jeff Gillooly when you need him?

Haley caused another stumble of sorts. Such a troublemaker, that one. Before throwing to a commercial, Ryan informed us that we'd find out who would join "Phil and Stacey" in the Bottom Three after the break. Later, Ryan corrected his mistake just as some dumb ass in the control room switched to a REALLY bad live shot thereby casting Hayley and a few others in an awkward light thereby making the correction null and void...

Not exactly crisp, precise production values tonight, huh?

Actually, while I'm on the subject, does the show really hate Haley or something? Did you catch Ryan's bitchy fake out when the Bottom Three were assembled? Ryan announced that he was about to send someone to safety. "HALEY," he said emphatically, leading her -- and us -- to believe that she was getting the pass back to safety. "You'll have to stand there another moment. Phil, you're safe." Meow, Ryan. MEEE-OW!

And then, as Simon predicted, Chris got the boot and I felt a little twinge of sadness because even though he started to bug me in recent weeks, he really was a nice fella. I actually paid attention to his tribute montage thingy (whilst plugging my ears so as not to hear that crap ass Daughtry song) because Chris was actually an entertaining contestant at one point. And then somewhere along the line, he got swallowed up by the show and the pressure that comes with it. The boy clearly lost his spark. I can't say for certain but I almost think that Chris is relieved his run is over and so he can go back to being chubby, cracking wise and worshipping Jesus (not necessarily in that order).

Gwen Stefani sounded much better live than I was anticipating. I still recall a particularly heinous rendition of "Spider Web" she performed on the MTV Video Awards some years back. She was so busy jumping around the stage, she became winded and ended up sounding like crap. However, now she makes silent Japanese girls do all the dancing for her so her voice doesn't get all ragged and screamy.

And because it seems no recap would be complete without at least some mention of Sanjaya or his hair, here's Ryan predictably getting in on the act...

Seriously, does anyone know how I can get a hold of Gillooly?

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 10

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 5.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Kinda Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Bummer. Paula behaved herself on both of this week's installments. No histrionics, no indecipherable gibberish (relatively speaking) and no crying spells. However! Did you catch her bizarre appearance on Letterman?! This, my friends, maintains her Level o' Crazy at five. Nowhere in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram rules does it say that her hysteria is limited to American Idol episodes. Even it was in the rules, I'd totally defy that stipulation because, well, I can. I don't have much power but what little I do possess, I do my best to wield obnoxiously. How am I doing?

Until next time, think dementia!

Thursday News Update

Sanjaya Starves People to Death
A woman calling herself "J" on MySpace has decided to go on a hunger strike until Sanjaya Malakar is voted off the show. You can read her profile, befriend her or call her a nutjob here. I'm thinking of joining her -- I've wanted to lose a few pounds anyway, and hunger strikes are way cooler than just starving yourself for no reason. Anyone else wanna join me? (Access Hollywood)

Howard Stern Deserves a Beatdown
Who's voting for Sanjaya, you ask? Howard Stern fans. The shock jock took a page out of Vote for the Worst's playbook, urging listeners to vote for the Idol hopeful. I dig Howard and all, but I'm not sure I can live in a world where I see Sanjaya's mug as much as I see Taylor Hicks. (MTV.com)

Ryan Seacrest Digs Chicks
Despite Simon Cowell's uncomfortable urging of Ryan Seacrest to come out of the closet, sources close to the host say he's straight as an arrow. Ex-girlfriend Shana Wall, who hosts an online cooking show, tells In Touch that they had an "amazing and passionate relationship." I wrote a couple of Ryan is gay jokes and then deleted them, because I'm tired of his ambiguous sexuality. You hear that? No more Ryan is gay jokes! Ever! Anyone want to make a bet on how long I'll stick with that? (National Ledger)

Chris Sligh Hates Jesus
Some uptight Christian folks in Chris Sligh's hometown of Greenville, SC are a little concerned about his faith. It seems the mop-topped contestant was all about the Jesus tunes prior to being on the show, but has now -- gasp! -- sung a few songs that are not at all about faith in the Lord. In other news, uptight Christians in Chris Sligh's hometown of Geenville, SC really, really want him to lose the show. (South Bend Tribune)

And if you missed Paula Abdul's batshit crazy interview on Letterman Monday night, well, I suggest you get caught up with the rest of the cool kids:

Crying Girl Identity Revealed!

Who was that inconsolable girl sobbing her way into America's hearts last night? Why, it was 13-year-old Ashley Ferl from Riverside. It seems she had gotten tickets to attend a taping of Are You Smarter Then a 5th Grader and as an added bonus, got to catch the dress rehearsal of Idol. Upon arrival, young Ashley immediately began losing her shit, and if there's one thing FOX knows how to do well, it's exploit both people and opportunities, thus Ashley was invited to stay. Quoth the L.A. Times:

Asked whom she was supporting in the competition she named "Sanjaya, Melinda, Gina and Jordin" as her picks, refusing to narrow her vote down to a single choice. All my journalistic powers of persuasion, cajoling, bullying and insistence that on her vote might turn the entire competition, that "Listen to reason, young Ferl, there can't be four American Idols," would not convince her to name a single favorite. To my every argument, she would only repeat her mantra, "All Four: Sanjaya, Melinda, Gina and Jordin." And so the race begins in earnest, with tears at every step of the way.

And that, my friends, is how one becomes a reality television star.

Friday News Update

India Determines the Next American Idol?
This is all rumor, to be sure, but some sites are claiming that outsourced tech support workers in India may be using their speed-dialing capabilities to keep Sanjaya Malakar on the show. Not that I really believe it or anything -- I mean, we are talking about the same American public that crowned Taylor Hicks their American Idol last year, and buy Chris Daughtry's albums. Still, it's fun to spread unfounded, racially paranoid gossip! And don't miss the photo of Sanjaya's big sis in her Hooters uniform. (Tabloid Baby)

Kiki and Sanjaya BFFs
Speaking of Sanjaya, LaKisha Jones has taken the young lad under her wing, telling him not to listen to what anybody says and to keep doing his thing. I agree with this advice -- the more he does his thing, the less time he'll have left on the show. (TMZ)

Ryan Seacrest is Straight
Hilarious video of Seacrest's "straightest" moments. (Gawker)

Antonella Barba's Finest Moments
Do you sometimes lie in bed at night wishing you could hear Antonella Barba's rendition of Don't Want to Miss a Thing just one more time? But you erased it from your DVR. What now? That my friends, is what MySpace is for.

Taylor to KFC: No Way!
Taylor Hicks dropped 22 pounds since he's been off the show. How did he do it? More exercise, less fried chicken. In other news, Taylor Hicks is still retarded, still lying about being 30, and still has bad hair.

Simon Says No to Kinky Couple
In a 60 Minutes interview set to air on March 18th, Simon tells Anderson Cooper about a couple that invited Simon over to critique their lovemaking (ew, I said lovemaking) for $100,000. He didn't do it, but wishes he had just for the story. And I don't blame him. You should hear my stories about watching couples do each other. They're a huge hit at baptisms and wakes.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 9

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 5.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10

Analysis: We had a crying fit! A genuine, snotty-nosed crying fit! Yet another reason to love Melinda Doolittle: She inspires gushing and blubbering. As such, Paula has crept into the mid-range of the Insanity Index. Conversely, the American Midol Cranky Quotient took a nose dive because it's happy times here when Paula loses her shit. Can you imagine the tears when Melinda really settles in and grows more comfortable up on that big stage?! Uncontrollable waterworks! Heaving sobs! Scary facial contortions and creepy grimacing! Oh, it's going to be so good.

Until next time, think continued hysteria!

Results

Recap probably coming later from someone who watched the show more closely than I did (making the boyfriend watch with me usually leads to my missing half of the show because of channel surfing during commercials or talking or whatnot), but for those of you searching for who got voted off, it was, as we all predicted thankyouverymuch Brandon Rogers, with his adorable face and fabulous skin and pretty smile and cute hairdo and disappointing vocals. What we didn't predict correctly is who would actually comprise the bottom three. Phil? NO! Sanjaya? YES! And there you have it, folks.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 8

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10

Analysis: Not only was Paula quite normal this past week, she even cracked a few jokes... successfully. I don't know what to make of this. However, Paula lost points for being MIA at the beginning of the live results show. Actually, no one would have even known but dumb ass Ryan Seacrest was all "Where's Paula? Is she even here?" I can always count on Ryan's piss-poor skills as a host to awkwardly expose the private details of the judges' lives. I mean, look how much insight we already have into his and Simon's life partnership, for example...

Also, Paula gets some demerits for expressing shock that Sundance Head was booted. Um, does Paula have ears? Or did she maybe saw them off in a drunken fit? I must state that preferring Sundance over Sanjaya Malakar is not insanity. Peddling the notion that Vagina Beard could have won the whole thing? Well, that shit could get you institutionalized.

Top 8 Girls: The Recap

Ah, much better than last night! Although, maybe it was the bottle of Riesling that I killed while watching tonight's show that made my enjoyment increase exponentially... Nah, the girls are just better. But that's kind of like saying that not scalding yourself with hot water is better than, uh, you know, scalding yourself with hot water.

Wow, I'm drunk.

Anyhoo, on with the show...

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "Heartbreaker" by Pat Benatar
Like, I know she's underage and stuff and it can totally get me thrown in jail but, dude, I love this girl. My crush is nowhere near the McPhee/Carrie Underwood level but still, I dig Jordin. She's beautiful and I would love to have just five minutes alone with her. I guarantee she'd emerge from that meeting with, at the very least, a few questions about her sexuality. The straight girls dig me, you see...

Anyhoo, I love that she tackled :: all bow :: Pat Benatar but I don't love what she did with the song. I wrote down "kind of manic" on my big yellow legal pad and was positively chuffed when Simon echoed my sentiments during his critique. Still, I think she has a lot of potential, a great personality and the precise amount of youthful exuberance that makes her enjoyable without being annoying.

Sabrina Sloan
Performed: "Don't Let Go" by En Vogue
This was kind of yelly. And I don't care for Sabrina's nose. But the curls? Well, I love those. The song, though, I don't recollect much if it which, perhaps, doesn't bode well for Sabrina. However, the night is still young and Antonella has yet to "sing."

Speak of the devil...

Antonella Barba
Performed: "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae
Antontella's secret is that she's been playing the violin since the age of four. And by playing the violin since the age of four she means... oh fuck it, the "Antonella is a whore" jokes are so played out. I'm not even going there. As for the song, it was better than her previous attempts but, well, see my scalding water example above.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "If My Heart Had Wings" by Melissa Manchester
Simon often uses the "That was like something you'd see in a theme park" criticism and sometimes, I don't really know what he's getting at. Tonight, however, I do. I really, really do. Except, Simon didn't apply that particular assessment tonight when really, he should have. I have been to every park with the Disney World logo slapped on it and that's precisely the type of cheese you'd see at, like, Epcot and that, my friends, is a very, very bad thing.

Also, I'm not sure if this is related or not, but I wrote "just like Marie Osmond" in my notes tonight. A cheesy, overly-earnest performance with syrupy song lyrics... Marie Osmond... Yup, sounds about right.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "Sweet Thing" by Chaka Khan
Stephanie told us that her secret was that she was shy as a child. If you ask me, her real secret is that she stole Fantasia's hairdo.

I can't really say any more about Stephanie because I used her performance as an opportunity to throw in a load of laundry and refill my glass of the aforementioned Riesling. Make of that what you will.

Lakisha Jones
Performed: "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston
Even though Lakisha dared to pick a song from the forbidden list, she at least did the song justice. I guess. I don't know. I hate that song. But she at least she didn't embarrass herself. And, honestly, it kind of touched my heart when Simon complimented Lakisha on her beauty tonight. Lest you think I'm going soft, I'll refer you to my previous mentions of wine consumption. That shit makes me schmoopie. While I'm loathe to part with my bitchy edge, wine is slightly less fattening than beer and as a weight-conscious alcoholic, I do what I can to cut calories here and there while still acquiring a decent buzz.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence
I didn't hate this, even though I'm not too keen on Gina. I don't despise her but Gina's in the same category of Blake -- she teeters on the edge of being an asshole. She's not quite there but there's serious potential.

I kind of like how she incorporated the band in her number though. She obviously knew the song well enough to know when to turn around, face the band dramatically and, uh, rock out as well as one can rock out to Evanescence.

You'll have to forgive my snobbery here because even though Evanescence could very well be legit, I have a default disdain for newer bands and their level of bad-assitude. That shit has to be earned over years in the spotlight. Evanescence is still too new to have respectable cred.

OMG, I just said "cred" in relation to a band's ability to rock. I'm not sure I like myself as wino. I'm not nearly this much of a music geek when I'm bombed on beer, I assure you.

Speaking of the band, who did the drummer blow to get this much camera time? As I recall, he received upwards of five close-ups during Nick Pedro's "Fever" last week. Rickey Minor cannot be happy about this. Uh, unless, of course, he was on the receiving end of said hummer...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "I'm a Woman" by Peggy Lee
I hope she wins the whole thing. I'll be sorely disappointed if she doesn't. She has the singing skills in conjunction with a refreshing lack of attitude that makes her a prime candidate to take the Idol crown.

Tonight's performance was stunning. She's simultaneously polished and rough around the edges and I love her for it. Her singing skills are stellar but at the same time, she possesses a vulnerable modesty that is so endearing. She's completely genuine yet profoundly talented. Offstage, she seems to be quiet and hesitant about the attention. Onstage, however, she just unloads and it's awesome in its contradiction and SO natural. I adore her.

Tonight, I think Melinda took a monumental leap forward from her status as a background singer, but at the same time, she managed to work her way to the back of the stage during her performance and align herself with the talented trio of backup singers and proceeded to sing to/with them briefly before strutting towards center stage. It was at once a respectful acknowledgement of who she once was and where's she's headed. Awesome.

Even though she didn't need it, I cast my vote for Melinda tonight because, at last, I'm finally inspired by someone in this boring ass competition.

Predictions: Haley's gone. Antonella should be right behind her but alas, that's probably not the case. Hmm, decisions, decisions... I'm guessing it's between Sabrina and Stephanie, which is completely bogus because they can both sing circles around that stupid shit from Point Pleasant. If Antonella was at least likable, I'd rally for her as an underdog but she's got the personality of a wet mop. And depending on her previous night's activities, probably the same smell as one. Ha! I kill me... But I digress, I think Stephanie will be right on the heels of Marie Osmond, er, I mean Haley.

Top 8 Boys: The Recap

Yet another yawn-inducing boys round. However! I recently discovered that my mother is a dedicated American Idol viewer so I watched tonight's show with a whole new perspective. With each contestant, I pondered: What must Mama McDimple be thinking?

Here are my thoughts and some of her proposed ones:

Blake Lewis
Performed: "All Mixed Up" by 311
First of all, I'm not the least bit surprised that Randy and Paula didn't recognize this song. Secondly, even though he changed up the song slightly with the whole beatboxing thing, Blake's version was totally drab. At first I was excited when I realized he was doing 311 but my enjoyment quickly plummeted as Blake succeeded in systematically sucking every bit of life out of the song.

As for my mother, well, she quite likes the reggae, even watered-down white boy versions of it because really, she doesn't know the difference. I'm also thinking she would have enjoyed Blake's checkered pants.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Waiting on the World to Change" by John Mayer
Truthfully, I didn't hear a note of this song. I was too distracted thinking about Sanjaya doing this:

Mama McDimple: While not actually saying it out loud, my mother totally would have been thinking: "Wow, that was really gay."

Sundance Head
Performed: "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam
Pssst, Sundance! Just because the song depicts a massacre, it doesn't give you license to, in turn, do that to the song. Also, what's the point of taking on this song if you don't do the growling "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" part at the end? That was weak, you big pussy.

Mama McDimple: Ditto.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban
I didn't hate this but I don't really have anything nice to say so I won't say anything at all. Oh, except that Chris is soooooo cute.

Jared Cotter
"If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder
Oh my God! Paula's comment that Jared needs to add some color to his vocals was actually on the mark. And well said! And I actually understood her point! Shit, this means yet another dip in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram. I'm not pleased. Not one bit.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "I Just Want To Celebrate" by Rare Earth
I'm going to give Brandon the Chris Richardson treatment here. It didn't suck but that's about all I can say. Um, did I mention tonight's show was really boring?

Mama McDimple: "Isn't this song from a car commercial?"

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Need You" by LeAnn Rimes
That was fucking weird. Again, Paula was completely right (gah!) when she criticized Phil's lower register. Clearly, it's not his strong suit. To me, it sounded like he was doing a bad Cher impersonation at the beginning of that song. It was like he was trying to reach into the deep recesses of his throat for something deep and smokey but what came out was... God, I don't even know. Would you call it guttural? I have no idea, but whatever it was, it disturbed me immensely.

Mama McDimple: Actually, my mother wouldn't have a comment here. She'd be too busy running around the housing sprinkling holy water because of the evil she just witnessed on the television.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Wanna Be Loved" by D.C. Talk
I had never heard this song before because, well, Christian rock ain't my thang. Actually, I had no idea Chris was even singing the praises of his own personal saviour until I looked up the song list on AOL Television. Perhaps it's my Catholic guilt kicking in but I'm just going to leave it at that.

Mama McDimple: "If Curly doesn't watch her weight, she's going to end up looking like this guy."

Predictions: This is a tough call in light of last week's AJ tragic ouster but I'm thinking Jared may have finally overstayed his welcome. And, if there's justice, Sanjaya and his flat-ironed hair will do the hula all the way home.

Poll Time: Is There an 'Idol' Double Standard?

The Antonella Barba scandal continues! Some folks are none too pleased that the not-so-camera-shy contestant remains in the running while Season Two's Frenchie Davis got the premature boot but good for the same reason.

Were Frenchie's pictures dirtier? Maybe? Is it because she's got a bit o' the junk in the trunk? Perhaps. Or did her race play a part in the decision? Rosie O'Donnell seems to think so. Because, uh, Rosie is now an expert on race relations in America? Say what you want about Rosie but at least she's consistent in having shrill, ill-informed, knee-jerk responses to just about everything. Rarely does she throw us for a loop with say, a lucid, well-researched argument.

Dumbasses aside, Frenchie rightfully wants to know why she was dismissed while Antonella remains. So, what say you...

Is there a double standard on American Idol?
	Yup
	Nope
	I dunno
Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 7

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 1.8 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: Paula's low Level o' Crazy probably has less to do with her getting her shit together and more to do with the level o' suck of most of this year's crop of hopefuls. Lakisha Jones and Melinda Doolittle have each made an impression so look to their performances in the weeks to come to spark tear-filled testimonials and spastic seal claps from Paula. She'll positively lose her shit if/when either of them land in the Bottom Three. Ditto for Brandon Rogers because he is this season's Designated Camera Fucker (DCM) and Paula seems contractually obligated to champion these types (i.e. Constantine Maroulis, Corey Clark and Justin Guarini).

Notes: This new-found clarity of Paula's is making for a pretty stagnant data line so to spice things up, we've added additional info: American Midol's Cranky Quotient (the red line). Each time Paula acts normal, our level of annoyance spikes. When she's a certified loon, we are in our giddy glory, as evidenced in the divergent lines above.

Also, we've decided to tweak the Paula Abdul Insanity Index graphic. When Paula's in the normal range (1-3), we'll show you a lucid, smiling Paula. As she enters the middle region (3-6), the graphic will change to depict her evolving state. When she's in the certifiable zone (7-10), we'll return to the sobbing Paula face which adequately displays her hysteria.

Until next time, think downward spiral!

Top 20: The Boys

Well, that was boring! I set out to write my usual pissy recap of the episode and well... I got nothing. With the exception of the enormous bulge in Jared Cotter's pants, nothing really stood out. And boy, did that stand out! Was he smuggling watermelons or something? While historically I have little to no interest in the male organ, I am impressed with Jared's package nonetheless. Too bad I can't say the same for his singing.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Ain't Missing You" by John Waite
Boooooooooooooooooooooooring.

Jared Cotter
Performed: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
I couldn't really concentrate on Jared's vocals between his ridiculous emoting and that enormous penis protruding through his pants. Despite its impressive stature, I don't think it's enough to save him. See ya, Jared.

AJ Tabaldo
Performed: "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone
Love him. 'Nuff said.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Steppin' Out" by Tony Bennett
Oh, Sanjaya. Yet another rotten song choice, no doubt selected by sissy. And you pulled your hair back into a ponytail, an obvious rejection of my offer to brush it. Why do you have to break my heart like this?

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne
Chris did really well. I have no beef with his performance or his banter with the judges this week. Although, I will say that with my dark plastic frames and head of curls, Chris offers a warning to me to keep my weight in check. I could easily look like his twin sister if I don't lay off the pasta. Methinks I'll have a Slim Fast for lunch and a sensible dinner today. Thanks for the inadvertent glimpse into the future, Chris!

Nick Pedro
Performed: "Fever" by Peggy Lee
I won't waste my time with a critique since he's going home.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai
Not too shabby. I really love his song choices. Maybe he can mentor Sanjaya.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper
God, that sucked. It was nothing more than a background vocal disguised as a lead. Oh, and I think I'm pregnant thanks to Brandon's continued camera fucking. Next week, I'm going to have a rape whistle on hand when I watch the program.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Geek In The Pink" by Jason Mraz
Sure, Chris's dance moves and up-tempo song selection were similar to last week but I.don't.care. He's still my favorite.

Sundance Head
Performed: "Mustang Sally" by Mack Rice
Despite his family's advice to be less "crappy," this week's performance failed to get Sundance out of the shitty zone. It proves that he's not only a singer of questionable talent, but also a miserable failure for a son.

Predictions: Bye, Nick Pedro! Pack your weiner and go, Jared.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 6

We were a bit behind with the Scattergram this past week because, um... the computer that... analyzes and, uh... tallies... the scores... was on the fritz? Yeah, that's the excuse, er, I mean cause for the delay. Regardless, our sincere apologies for denying you this vital information!

Anyhoo, this week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 3.2 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: I'm happy to report a slight uptick in the Level o' Crazy. Now that the field has been narrowed down, Paula is showing a more personal interest in the candidates. Much to my dismay, she really had her shit together during the live results show but then again, no one is ever really all that emotionally invested the first cast-offs of the season. As Paula's boy crushes and those she's championed start taking a few verbal licks and positions in the Bottom Three, look to her behavior to descend into incoherent crying jags. I, for one, cannot wait.

Monday News Update

Today in Antonella Barba news: blowjob pics that may or may not be her! No one taught her that very important lesson about how letting people take racy photos of you in compromising positions in the Internet age is maybe not such a good idea if you want to become famous someday. I don't know about you, but I keep all my pics where I'm performing oral sex on people under lock and key. If you click through, photos are mostly safe for work. They have links to the super NSFW versions if you work at Penthouse or happen to be at home. Oh, Antonella. Anyone think she's going to get booted for this? (I Don't Like You in That Way)

Vote for the Worst Has Even MORE Shocking photos of Ms. Barba. Totally safe for work, but you might not be the same after seeing them.

Leslie Hunt has lupus, is being honored by the Lupus Research Institute Chicago (PR Newswire)

Nigel Lithgoe drops more hints about an upcoming announcement. I am getting really tired of Nigel's hints. I bet he leaves voicemail messages like, "Call me when you get a chance. I have some very important news!" I hate people who leave voicemail messages like that. I bet he makes people guess his age, too. (TV Week)

Didja hear? Jennifer Hudson won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar. Didja see? She dressed herself like a spaceman. (iVillage)

Rich, oily tool Brandon Davis did what he does best at Paris Hilton's 26th birthday bash on Saturday: acted like a complete ass. Inexplicably, Paula Abdul was in attendance, and, according to the Daily News:

But around 10 p.m., Davis started acting up. "He was hurling flowers at Paula Abdul," says a guest. "Then he began bombing her with Styrofoam flower-holders. He was shouting, 'Lick my [BLEEP], Paula!' He started mocking her ancestry by speaking gibberish in an Arabic accent.

And if you missed Tyra Banks feeling up Katharine McPhee, then watch this video and get with the program. How skinny does McPhee look, by the way?



Photo: I Don't Like You in That Way

Morning Quickie

That's the best kind, really. I didn't do a stellar job prediction-wise, but in my defense, it's been a whole year and I'm still warming up. Anyway, just wanted to add that they announced the roster of guests coaches for the season. They are, in no particular order:

• Diana Ross


• Gwen Stefani


• Jennifer Lopez


• Jon Bon Jovi


• Tony Bennett


• Martina McBride


• Barry Gibb


• Peter Noone


• Lulu

So they're making it younger and sexier this season. Well, sort of younger and sexier. But hey, if there's no Burt Bacharach I am one happy camper. Also, Jon Bon Jovi is still rocking the hotness, so that's something to look forward to.

Stay tuned for news, links and profanity later this afternoon.

News and Other Silliness

AOL has their drag-and-rank feature up and running. Blake Lewis is in the lead. Surprisingly, Jared Cotter made the top six. I can barely even remember his performance, and when he first took the stage, I turned to my cat and said, "Who the fuck is that?" Vote here.

Simon and Paula may have dubbed Seattle the worst of the worst, but now that all's said and done, five semifinalists came from there. Granted, Rudy Cardenas was one of them, but still. (TV Squad)

Jennifer Lopez will be hitting the Idol stage on April 11th, which I can only assume is my own personal birthday present. Hopefully, she won't be wearing this. (London Net)

Vote for the Worst has named their first target of the season: Sundance Head. At least it's not Sanjaya. He may have sucked last night, but he's a cutie patootie.

Vote for the Worst has also uncovered the truth about Antonella Barba: She's a drunken whore (NSFW). Oh come on, she's from Jersey. Obviously she's a drunken whore.

Fantasia Barrino will perform on this Thursday's live show, and make a "special announcement." I don't know about you, but the suspense is just killing me. (Charlotte Observer)

Dial Idol has their predictions in. Top 3: Sundance Head, Sanjaya Malakar and Chris Richardson (aka My Future Baby-Daddy). Um, Sundance and Sanjaya? For reals? I hate America already.

John Peter Lewis, like, rules and stuff. (PR Newswire)

Top 12 Boys: The Recap

Mmm... Top 24. We finally made it. Gawd, it took long enough. But far be it from me to be a further cock tease so let's get down to business. Here's how the Top 12 boys fared tonight:

Rudy Cardenas
Peformed: "Free Ride" by The Edgar Winter Group
Oh my God, that was horrendous. Dude, Randy, the ass munch to end all ass munches, called you "corny." How can you ever recover? You can't. Leave now. Don't even show up for the results show. Seriously, go.

Brandon Rogers
Peformed: "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson
Brandon is this season's official Camera Fucker. He follows in the footsteps of Justin Guarini, Constantine Maroulis and Ace "Lookie at My Scar" Young. Um... not exactly the best company to be keeping, Brandon. But you seem like a nice fella so I'll spare you a bitch slap, even though your song sucked ass. Do better next week. Might I suggest less camera fucking and more note hitting? Give it a whirl, why don't ya?

Sundance Head
Peformed: "Nights in White Satin" by The Moody Blues
Oh, Vagina Beard... what a horrific mess you've become! I believe Simon summed it up best: "I don't like you tonight." Actually, I wasn't too keen on you during the Hollywood Week neither. What the hell happened to you?!

Several weeks back I likened Sundance to Meat Loaf because I think they're both fat fucks. Little did I realize back then that the comparison would run much deeper than dimpled flab.

In tonight's outing, Sundance affected a Meat Loaf-like yelp as well as some dramatic hand gestures and flourishes for good measure. All that was missing was the handkerchief and that chick with the black curly hair who sing-talks to Meat Loaf in several songs on the Bat Out of Hell album. Speaking of which... don't get any ideas, Sundance! Take my advice and stay away from "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" or ew, "Heaven Can Wait." Nothing good can come of it. And don't get any fancy ideas about singing Styx or Blue Oyster Cult neither. You've been warned.

Paul Kim
Peformed: "Careless Whisper" by Wham!
Yet another train wreck. Not the most auspicious start to the season, I must say. Paul not only irritated my ear drums with his attempted falsetto, but he also incurred my wrath by executing the dreaded "touch the pretend headphone" gesture mid-screech. There's nothing in your ear, shit head. But if I had my way, my foot would be. Stop the pantomiming! And get yourself some shoes! No one wants to see your gnarly bare feet.

Actually, I take that back. Don't heed my generous and helpful advice. You bore and sicken me simultaneously. Be gone.

Chris Richardson
Peformed: "I Don't Want To Be" by Gavin Degraw
I love.. no, ADORE Chris. His song was nowhere near perfect but he's adorable and looks like he's having fun and totally enjoying the experience. He could very well be my favorite this season. Chris will be treated with kid gloves by me. Anyone who dares besmirch his good name will know no such dispensation. I'll house your ass(es).

Nick Pedro
Peformed: "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx
Nick gets points for saying "Vote for Pedro" instead of doing the annoying "Call me!" gesture at the end of his performance but I have to immediately retract those points because he sang a Richard Marx song. Don't do that ever again, Nick. Ever.

Blake Lewis
Peformed: "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane
I love that Blake selected a Keane song. I was worried that he'd bust out the beat box yet again but he pleasantly surprised me with his song choice and competent delivery. I'm still a bit iffy about his personality but I won't quite add him to my shit list just yet. However, he does have serious dickhead potential. He could easily become a loathsome figure. The jury's still out but as far as tonight goes, he's okay by me.

Sanjaya Malakar
Peformed: "Knocks Me Off My Feet" by Stevie Wonder

Dear Sanjaya,
Don't let your sister select your songs anymore... because she clearly hates and resents you. I, however, do not. Nor does Jess. She sent me a text message during the show informing me that she "[wants] to smush" you. No, don't be scared! It's a good thing. It's similar to her desire to eat cute babies and crush the skulls of adorable puppies. No really, it's a compliment! We both think you're adorable. Say, can I brush your hair? Wait, why are you crying? Come back! It's okay. We mean you no harm. Come baaaaaaaaaaack! Resist your sister!

Chis Sligh
Peformed: "Typical" by Mute Math
I like Chris. I really, really do but I didn't quite care for his backtalk to Simon tonight. Insolence does not suit him, particularly when it sounds rehearsed. I like my barbs and comebacks sharp and quick-witted, which his usually are. Don't be so cheeky, Chris.

Jared Cotter
Peformed: "Back at One" by Brian McKnight
I did not enjoy this performance. Hell, I don't even remember enough about it to write something snotty. So I won't. God, I love editorial freedom.

A.J. Tabaldo
Peformed: "Never Too Much" by Luther Vandross
I think A.J. is adorable. I didn't love his song tonight but he's exuberant and eager and well, even a cranky beeyotch like me can recognize that. Good luck, A.J.

Phil Stacey
Peformed: "I Could Not Ask for More" by Edwin McCain
This is perhaps the most bipolar performance I've ever witnessed, ever. It started out in the shit house and found its way to fucking awesome before long. Also, I think Phil is kind of a doofus but I dig the way he graciously and wisely listened to Simon's critique. He's a good boy.

Wow, I'm getting soft. Actually, no, it's just fatigue setting in. It's late and I appear to be running low on my piss and vinegar reserves. We can't have that! I'll be good and tanked up for tomorrow night's take down of the girls. But, before I go...

Predictions
Because two contestants are sent home in this round, I'll forgo the usual Bottom Three prediction and cut right to the chase. I predict Rudy Cardenas and Paul Kim will be the first to get the boot. Good riddance!

News Brief

Are you excited for the top 12 boys tonight? I am SO motherfucking excited. In fact, I may even skip yoga and watch in real time. That's dedication, yo. Anyway, onto today's news:

Kelly Clarkson thinks Britney Spears is still hot with her bald head. I agree to a point -- it's a vast improvement over that busted up weave, but I'm not sure I'd go so far as "hot." (All Headline News)

Nigel Lithgoe says there's a big twist coming up, and it's not the much-talked-about songwriting competition. I'm thinking Paula Abdul doing kegstands halfway through every program. Oh wait, no. Paula's never been drunk. EVER. (TV Grapevine)

Simon Cowell hates kids, marriage. (Daily Mail)

Ayla Brown discusses song choices, outfits, and gives some advice to the Top 24. (Boston Herald)

If you got a busy signal while trying to place your vote for Taylor Hicks last season, you're not alone. Also, I think I might hate you. Here, a look at why the phone lines are so clogged up. (Forbes)

Michael Jackson and Nigel Lithgoe dispel rumors that Jacko's going to be on the show this season. I am so, so happy that I don't have to cringe my way through that freakshow. (Celebrity Spider)

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 5

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 1.5 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: Fuck you, American Idol producers, for your clever and effective "Make Paula less crazy-looking" edits. It's working, as evidenced in the plummeting data line. If this keeps up, I might have to start tracking my level of crankiness in relationship to Paula's perceived coherence. So not fair. Give me unedited, unfiltered, unbridled insane Paula or give me death! Well, not death, necessarily. How about a pinch in the butt? Yeah, that'll do.

Until next time, think meltdown!

An Episode Recap, News and Lame Excuses

Okay, so that whole posting my Tuesday night episode recap on Wednesday never quite materialized. Being bitter about being single on Valentine's Day takes up a lot of time and energy so lay off and show some compassion, scavengers.

Here's your mish-mash of tardy recaps and headlines...

Tuesday
How is it that the tedious auditions were stretched thin over two hours on several occasions yet the delicious drama-inducing Hollywood Round was crammed into a measly 60 minutes?! I usually welcome the bickering, the verbal slapfests, the backbiting, the fucked up lyrics, etc. from the Group Round but that footage was carved up beyond recognition. Idol producers, you are testing my already-thin patience.

The Matt Sato storyline was rather awkward, what with all the calls to Mommie Dearest back home and his inability to find a group to sing with. I really thought he'd make it through with all the camera time. Alas, he was sent packing back to his emotionally bankrupt mother. Poor Matt. On the bright side, I was happy to see that he no longer had shit all over his nose like he did during his initial audition. Get a hold of some Retin-A, did ya, Matt?

Amanda Coluccio actually made me laugh by boldly proclaiming, "I'm going to shit my pants!" during a commercial bumper. But do you know what made me laugh even harder? When she got cut. Heeeeee-larious!

The rendition of "How Deep Is Your Love?" by Chris Sligh, Rudy Cardenas, Thomas Lowe and Blake Lewis was awesome. For once, I didn't bark "Oh, sit down!" when Paula gave a standing ovation. I was in agreement with Paula. Oh, good heavens. The chances of that happening again? About as likely as Paula passing a pee test with flying colors.

Nicole Turner was the final contestant of the day. Her mother got all Mama Rose on her and strong-armed her into singing a song that was so crappy, I can't even identify it. Needless to say, Nicole fucked it up royally and tried to explain what happened to the judges. Her argument held no water but she was adamant about stating her case. Hell, if my mama was standing behind me with a big ol' cane like that, I'd try to sell it too. I think it's safe to say someone got her ass whupped when she got home.

Wednesday
The Top 24 have been announced! We finally separated the wheat from the chaff, boys and girls. Ew, chaff. I just decided I don't like that word. It just sounds gross. It is hereby banished from my vocabulary. My weird hang-ups are just darling, aren't they though?

Here are the semifinalists:
Men: Chis Sligh, Sanjaya Malakar, Brandon Rogers, Philip Stacy, Blake Lewis, Rudy Cardenas, Paul Kim, A.J. Tabaldo, Nicholas Pedro, Chris Richardson, Jared Cotter and Jason "Sundance" Head.

Women: Melinda Doolittle, Gina Glocksen, Haley Scarnato, Jordin Sparks, Stephanie Edwards, Leslie Hunt, Alaina Alexander, Sabrina Sloan, Lakisha Jones, Nicole Tranquillo, Amy Krebs and Antonella Barba.

I know you don't believe me because I've dicked you around time and time again but the rest of my thoughts on tonight's show are coming later. Pinky promise. I swear on the moon and the stars above. This time I mean it.

Moving on to headlines...

American Idol cast-off, Robyn Troup, makes beautiful music with Justin Timberlake at the Grammys. Um, I'm guessing it was beautiful because I totally didn't watch. (People.com)

Vindication! Seems I'm not the only one who left reeling by the warp-speed Hollywood round. MTV's got my back, yo. Wow, that's sad. (MTV.com)

Playing the ponies is passé. Only pussies can be found at the track. The real high rollers are laying down some serious coin on American Idol. No, seriously. They are. (Gambling911.com)

Was Season 6 Idol reject, Tom Lowe booted for hitting a few bad notes or for baring his buns in a racy spread? Oh man, I just said "buns." If you'll excuse me, I'm off to hang my head in shame... (The Advocate)

News, News and More News

Well folks, it just occurred to me that no one posted a news update today. I should be going to bed, but how will I sleep if I know I've let y'all down? I won't, that's how. So without further ado:

In case you didn't watch the Grammys last night, our girl Carrie Underwood took home not one, but two, for Best New Artist and Best Country Song for "Jesus Take the Wheel." In other news, Jess has asked Jesus if maybe he wouldn't mind working for her tomorrow. We'll see if he comes through. (Celebrity Café)

Nigel Lithgoe hates blogs, will cut a bitch who tries to blog while on the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

Rumor has it Simon Cowell gave contestant Tom Lowe an unfair advantage. Wait, are they insinuating that reality television isn't really "real"? I refuse to believe it! (Buddy TV)

Celebs share what song they'd sing for Idol auditions. (People)

This little lady alerted us to some Hollywood week spoilers. And by "spoilers," I mean don't click this link if you don't want to know. I can't be held responsible for your spoilage – consider yourself warned. I also can't verify the accuracy of this information.

Hollywood week! Woo hoo! Bring it ON.

Recap, News and Other Blathering

No more auditions! Yay! I'm happy as could be, and the previews for Hollywood week look awesome.

I'm not going to talk about the trainwrecks on Wednesday's show. Only the two that I actually liked. Tami Gosnell, the pedicab driver who sounds like Janis Joplin, is awesome. I love her. Ebony Jointer is just amazing. I bet her other two rollerskating friends secretly hate her. I'm not sure why they let her cohort, Ashley Cleland, through exactly, but whatevs. I'm over it.

Now, onto the news:

WebMD talks to psychology experts about what makes people who couldn't sing their way out of a paper bag audition for American Idol. (WebMD)

Las Vegas contestant Mikalah Gordon shares what really goes on during Idol auditions. (TV Squad)

Ayla Brown's daddy hates the gays. Naturally, everyone hates Senator Scott Brown. And he's not afraid to talk about it, much to the horror of the teachers at the King Philip Regional High School assembly he was speaking at. (CBS News)

Speaking of bad daddies, Clyde Raymond Pickler, Jr., who sired none other than Kellie Pickler, attacked a female acquaintance with a steak knife. Glad to see all that prison time straightened his ass out. (Charlotte Observor)

The final 24 predictions have begun (phillyBurbs)

Idol alum Anthony Federov hits Broadway as a cast member in The Fantasticks (Theater Mania)

More Courtney Love madness. Rumor has it she's been asked to guest judge on Nirvana night. Wait, Idol's doing a Nirvana night? Please. Oh please, let this be true. (Celebrity Spider)

TWoP's Wednesday recap

EW's Wednesday recap

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 4

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 2 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: I am chagrined to report that Paula scored really low on the crazy scale this week. The bitch was downright subdued in San Antonio. The hell?

This week's result does come with a footnote though. Last night's episode was an aggregate of all auditions thus far so it was hard to apply a singular, accurate number. Besides, the editors left out of most of Paula's batshittery (yeah, I made up that word. What of it?) in favor of wall-to-wall screeching "singers" and their suspect dance moves.

So take this week's reading with a grain of salt, fellow wack-job watchers, since it wasn't based on two full episodes. Hope is on the horizon because next week is Hollywood Week! I predict the monotony will spur at least one Paula meltdown and/or crying jag. Other predictions? Lay 'em on me.

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

Greetings, minions. Not too much in the way of news today. Anna Nicole Smith is dominating the headlines so I have no choice but to be brief. No whining! There's more to come tomorrow. Until then...

There's a rather tasty blind item in The Back Row column in today's issue of the Daily News...

What former American Idol is up to their nose in bad behavior? Friends were amazed at a high-profile fashion week after-party at how much fairy dust the crooner put away.

Hmmm... Jess and I spotted Katharine McPhee and Jim Verraros at the Marc Jacobs show on Monday night. MJ is rather high-profile so it follows that his after-party would be as well, no? Interesting. Very interesting.

Kat's got her share of issues but I don't think blowing rails in public is among them. Now I'm not saying Jim is necessarily the culprit here because for all I know, there were a gaggle of Idol cast-offs running amok during Fashion Week that I didn't see up and close and personal. Still, I think it's a safe bet. Any other guesses?

Okay, moving on to less inflammatory things that won't get our asses sued... Season Five's Bucky Covington has no beef with Simon Cowell nor his cranky critiques. Quite the contrary, he graciously took his lumps and is enjoying the fame the show helped him achieve. Hear that Jennifer "I was misquoted!" Hudson?! That's what you call gratitude and not being a dumb bitch. Look into it. (People.com)

Ebony Jointer, she of the waitress outfit/roller skates/two less-talented hangers-on combo in last night's final round of auditions is not a complete entertainment neophyte as it turns out. Girlfriend actually hit the gridiron with the Chicago Bliss, a Lingerie Football League team back in 2005. (Note to self: Do thorough Google image search of those photos. How did I not know about this?!)

Ebony's also been seen on America's Next Top Model and had a small role in Pauly Shore Is Dead. Scandalous! A Pauly Shore movie, Ebony? Seriously? (TMZ.com via RealityTVMagazine.com)

And finally, this is not technically news... except to those who know me and how snobby I am about my mp3 collection but I, Curly McDimple, just downloaded the Jason Nevins Rock da Club Edit of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and I am, as we speak, rocking out like it's my job. Trust me, it's hot.

Photo: FOX

Remember the San Antonio Recap

Is anyone else (besides you, Jess) as sick of the auditions as I am? Seriously, they seemed to drag on way longer this year. Last night's round in San Antonio was the last, thank God. However, tonight's episode is a montage of auditions good and bad from all seven cities Paula, Simon and Randy visited and ranked on. Dude, if they try to pad the season with another one of those roundups in mid-season, I'm going to start torching shit.

San Antonio, like the rest, failed to produce a real stand-out talent, in my humble opinion. I was briefly concerned that this year's crop of finalists would end up sucking balls but then I remembered that Elliott Yamin got NO camera time last year until Hollywood week. We never got to see his audition nor the back story of him and his manky teeth. But then he pleasantly surprised us several weeks into the competition (while his jacked-up grill continued to confound). My point, and I do have one, believe it or not, is that there may be some hidden showstoppers awaiting us, in addition to the usual band of ball suckers.

Speaking of suck, here's a rundown of a few of last night's performers:

Jasmine Holland
This was the shy girl who sang in a gospel choir and wore a shirt that read: "Peace Pure Love." Oddly enough, she was the same chick who unleashed a stream of profanity and had to be bleeped numerous times after she bitched out the judges. An interesting interpretation of peace and pure love, no? Shameful, the language on that Miss Holland. You kiss your preacher with that mouth, Jasmine?

The best part of that segment, however, had to be Jasmine's mother and her anti-Simon rant:

Jasmine's Mom: "What is he? French?

Ryan Seacrest: "Actually, he's British."

Jasmine's Mom: "Well then he needs to go back to British [sic] and be judge for British people. 'Cause he's not even American so how can he tell who sings and not sings?"

Because in the country of "British," people are deaf or immune to music? Music is silent outside of America? Americans have special ears? I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at, Jasmine's Mom. Are you a dumb ass or just a xenophobe? Or both? I can't quite tell. My people hail from "British" so maybe that's why I can't quite hear your message.

Haley Scarnato
This was the attractive chick wearing the all black, stylish one-piece who engaged in a weird hand-shaking session and fashion discussion with Paula before her audition leading me to exclaim, "Paula has a girl crush! Paula has a girl crush!"

While Haley's voice was just okay, Simon put her through to Hollywood because she was hot. Randy approved of her as well, I think. I can't say for sure because I stopped paying attention to him about... uh, since I started watching the show. Randy's insignifcant, dawg.

Paula quite eagerly punched Haley's ticket to Hollywood because, well, I think she really wants to punch Haley's ticket when they get to Hollywood, if ya catch my drift. (Psst... I just suggested that Paula Abdul possesses homosexual tendencies and is vulnerable to acting on such same-sex impulses in an effort to restore her fractured sense of self-worth and stabilize her erratic emotional state caused in part by low self-esteem coupled with severe chemical dependence. Or something.)

Ashlyn Carr
Uh, how fucked up do one's facial expressions have to be when even Paula Abdul refers to them as "weird"? That's about as insulting as Ted Kennedy giving you a lecture on the perils of drunk driving into or near bodies of water.

Weird ticks aside, Ashlyn made it to Hollywood. Whether she gets her ass kicked by her roommates remains to be seen.

Midol Invades Fashion Week!

So there isn't going to be a photo credit on that Katharine McPhee pic. (Not that I ever remember photo credits, really, and honestly, I can't believe Curly hasn't beaten me for it yet. If you want to sue anyone FOX, it's all me.) Why? Because Curly took it herself! That's right ladies and gentleman. Due to the overwhelming kindness and generosity of this guy, Curly, myself and the fashion maven herself, AZ got all-access passes to last night's Marc Jacobs show.

Now, when you live in New York City, you're supposed to maintain a certain level of cool around celebrities. And normally, I do. I may gawk when I see Crispin Glover walking down Houston St., or Julia Stiles at a CAKE party, but for the most part, I keep it together.

Not so last night. We got to stand right next to the paparazzi, so we got to see everyone walk in. The first major commotion was sparked by McPhee. If you've been reading this blog for longer than five minutes, you know that I'm mostly indifferent to McPhee. That, however, did not stop me from exclaiming, "Curly, oh my God holy shit it's Mcphee!" and then we scrambled over with all the photogs to get a better look, or in Curly's case, a pic.

Katharine McPhee wasn't the only Idol alum to make an appearance, however:



That right there is Jim Verraros. Sadly, he was not met with the same level of fanfare that Katharine was. That didn't stop him from walking through the line of photographers twice, though. I always liked him, but that was a little sad, I have to say. A desperate plea for attention, if you will.

There were other non-Idol related highlights. One being the clothes. Gorgeous! If ever I have occasion to walk down a red carpet, I sincerely hope I'm in a Marc Jacobs frock. And just because I am still so geeked about seeing all of these famous faces, feel free to click on Curly's Flickr to see:

L'il Kim (She's a midget. For reals, yo.)

Michelle Rodriguez (Complete with ankle bracelet, because she is a criminal.)

Joss Stone (Yeah, I don't know what's up with that hair, either.)

Debbie Harry (So. Fucking. Cool.)

See all of the pics from the show.

And it's worth mentioning that Anna Wintour was escorted by, uh, Harry Connick, Jr.? She also couldn't find her scarf mid-show and caused a bit of a fuss. Rod and Kimberly Stewart, Amber Valetta and Helena Christensen were all in attendance as well. Most exciting night of my life so far, unless of course someone wants to give us comp tickets for the Idol finale. Anyone?

Afternoon Newsbreak

It's a light news day, people. Jennifer Hudson is still whining about the fact that she's like, totally famous now, but that the show was abusive. Boo-fucking-hoo Jennifer Hudson. Also, Chris Daughtry had some shows which some people loved and some people hated. Very exciting stuff. Anyway, here's what little news I did manage to find:

Kellie Pickler, I mean, Jamie Lynn Ward's kin are none too pleased about her telling that whole dad-shoots-mom-then-himself story on national television. The stepmom survived the shooting, by the way. (NY Post)

Jessica Sierra, who was a season 4 finalist and who I don't remember AT ALL, had a stalker. Where's my stalker? Ahem, I mean our stalker. (Tennessean)

Carrie Underwood is not, I repeat, NOT dating woman-hating Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo. So stop telling everyone that, Gossip McRumorpants. (People)

A new DVD called American Idol Unauthorized claims that the show is rigged. To prove their point, they interviewed a bunch of whiny ex-hopefuls who believe the they would have won otherwise. Riiiight. (Toronto Star)

Paula's Insanity Index

Hot on the heels of the release of The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram, we bring you its equally-cranky companion: The Paula Abdul Insanity Index. It's an "at-a-glance" feature that is updated weekly for those of you who don't have the time nor the inclination to track Paula's pattern of behavior on our handy dandy chart.

For those of you who fall into this category, listen up. Uh, the rest of you can go ahead and skip to the next paragaph. To the slackers: How lazy can you get? I'm going to venture a guess and say that you never once participated in an extra-curricular activity in school, did you? And extra credit was a foreign concept to you and was better left to nerds like me, right? And furthermore, you gave the smart kids who did partake in such endeavors atomic wedgies back then, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!?!?!

Ahem. Sorry. As I was saying, if you look to the top right of the sidebar each week, you'll see Paula's manic mug with a big ol' number under it. That figure is calculated after hours of heated deliberation, painstaking behavioral analysis and feverish scientific computation. Okay, so it's more like we all think about it for a few seconds and randomly pick a number between 1 and 10 and then I tap into my stellar math skills and average it. And by stellar math skills, I mean I use an existing formula in Excel.

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 6.2 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: After a week of disappointing coherence, Paula ventured back into the retard realm this week. Her antics were rather subdued (by Paula Abdul standards) but she did exhibit the occasional flash of freak. I cite her constant fidgeting and the return of the seal clap on day one of the Birmingham auditions as examples. The fact that she wasn't even there on the second day lends further credence to my argument.

Paula was surprisingly well-behaved during the L.A. round. I credit the calming effect of Olivia Newton John and whatever chemicals her doctor shot her up with during day two in Alabammy.

Fingers crossed for a full-on freak out next week, kiddies!

I'm Blaming the PMS

Last night was an oddly touching night for an American Idol audition show. I cried real tears, y'all, and for someone who hates on pretty much everything, that's saying a lot.

Let's talk about Phuong Pham. My eyes filled with tears when she said her mother told her she wasn't pretty enough for TV, and that she was "no Katharine McPhee." I mean, what mother says that to a child? I don't have kids, but I can tell you that if I did, and one was a hunchback with bad skin and a hairlip, I'd still tell her she was the most beautiful girl in the world. When she got up to sing, I said aloud to the television, "Please let her be good. Oh God, please." Sadly, she wasn't.

Then there was Sherman Pore, a 64-year-old man who had lost his wife to cancer two days prior and just wanted the chance to audition and dedicate a song to her. And he had a lovely voice. I was sobbing, and even typing it now, I'm getting misty. Christ, when did I become such a sap?

Brandon Rogers, the hottie with the five-head who Paula Abdul and Olivia Newton-John wanted to simultaneously fellate, was probably the first person I've seen that I can actually see in the finals. The rest of the show is a blur -- losers begging for chances to butcher a second song, tears, things that made my brain hurt. Mostly forgettable, but the sweet moments actually got me a little more interested in watching the auditions again. But just a little.

Birmingham, the Recap

And this, my friends, is the point in the season where I say to myself, "Holy Mary Mother of God, can we get to fucking Hollywood already?"

Birmingham, blah. Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, Bo Bice, blah. Why does Birmingham have to hog all of the American Idols?

Anyway, let's go. First up was Erika Skye, who bears more than your passing resemblance to Stephanie Klein and sang a screamy rendition of "Unchained Melody" that made my brain hurt. I'm not going to go into everyone else -- just the ones I feel like talking about.

Jamie Lynn Ward. Now, her father shot her mother and then himself, leaving him paralyzed in a wheelchair. We weren't told the mother's fate, but she doesn't live in the house so I'm guessing it's not good. It's a sad story, and it makes her this season's Kellie Pickler. But here's the thing. I may hate The Pickler now, but I really liked her after the audition. Why? Because she had a sad story and she sang the crap out of "Since U Been Gone." Jamie Lynn Ward did not sing the crap out of "Reflection." Had she been a regular girl without a good backstory, we wouldn't have even seen her audition, and she certainly wouldn't have made it to Hollywood.

Now, Chris Sligh. He also didn't sing the shit out of "Kiss From a Rose," but he said he was there to make David Hasselhoff cry, and for that he should be the next American Idol. Let's review: Dad shoots mom, self. Go home. Snarky comment about David Hasselhoff. You're the next American Idol. My heart is black and my soul is cold.

Last but now least, Brandy Patterson. Delusional and with an attitude up to here, she poured kerosene on "Like a Virgin," lit it on fire and then danced on the ashes. I mean, just, wow. The best part was Simon's reaction to her. I love it when Simon, who is so reserved, bursts into laughter. And when he said, "Call me," and she said, "I don't want to call you," and he said, "Yes you do," and they went on and on, I burst out laughing. I love me some Simon Cowell.

Paula was mysteriously absent on Day 2 of Birmingham. Did she really have "family business"? Was she too drunk to go on? Did the lack of talent in Birmingham send her over the edge? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this year's American Idol will not be from Alabama.

Link it up, baby:

Death by Camera has the Memphis contestant's MySpace Profiles.

EW has the full recap

As does TWoP

News Roundup

Greetings! One-fifth of your favorite "pseudo-intellectual satirist" team has just returned from Ireland, where I dutifully watched a little bit of the Memphis auditions during football half-time (soccer for you Americans). I still have a couple of hours to catch up on, so I'll stick with the news until I've done so. I do, however, love Sean Michel, the homeless-looking hippie dude who sang Johnny Cash. I want to do bong hits with him. Anyway, the news:

Simon Cowell hates technology, music, often rubs two sticks together to make fire. Guess that means he'll never read American Midol. (AZ Central)

Katharine McPhee releases her highly-anticipated (couldn't even type that with a straight face) debut album. If you're curious to hear what all the fuss is about, but loathe to shell out the big bucks to do so, it's your lucky day, because AOL Music is streaming that bitch for free. (WTOP)

Armed & Famous cancelled due to poor ratings, leading TV execs and the media to the shocking conclusion that if you want a new show, an old show or any show, really, to succeed, you might not want to air it opposite American Idol. (Canada.com)

Chris Daughtry's debut album hits #1. In related news, Americans have really shitty taste in music. (93X Rocks)

Everything you never wanted to know about what went on behind the scenes at the Birmingham auditions. (MyFox Birmingham)

When drunk and incoherent, it's always best to blame Simon Cowell. Riiiight, Paula. (Access Hollywood)

And there you have it. I'd also like to address a couple of search terms that have recently brought visitors to the site. First, to the person who got here by searching for "mean american idol bloggers suck," I'm terribly sorry you feel that way. And for the individual searching for Ryan Seacrest's height, the official party line is 5'8", but since short guys always add an inch or two, I'm guess he's actually around 5'6" or 5'7". Has anyone stood next to him? If so, kindly weigh in.

A Recap and a Roundup. Lucky Yous!

Okay, so I never quite got around to recapping the New York auditions when I said I would. My bad. What can I say? I suck and you should never ever date me.

But that's a story for another time and another blog. Oooh, shameless plug.

Anyhoo, I have to say that I was expecting to cringe through the entire two hours of this particular round because, prior to auditioning at Chelsea Piers in Manhattan, the contestants were first vetted at Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, NJ. See, I grew up a stone's throw from there and I was hoping against hope that the denizens of my home state wouldn't show me up... because, clearly, I am the bastion of class and propriety and shit.

But I'm happy to report that my fellow Garden Staters held their own. While cheesy and kind of annoying, Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba of Holmdel and Point Pleasant, respectively, didn't leave me wishing that I was born five months premature when my family still resided in Brooklyn, NY. Again, they were cheesy but not horrendous.

Do you know who was horrendous though? That Fania Tsakalakos. She's the one who treated us to the Big Fat Greek Audition and informed us that she's "from Athens, Greece and New Jersey."

I'm confused. Did her mother go into labor on the way from Greece to Newark Airport? Enlighten me, Fania. Oh and since I'm on this kick where I make questionable comparisons between contestants and celebrities in my recpas, I'm going to go ahead and say that Fania looks like the end result if Lainie Kazan and Nia Vardalos mated. Opa!

Since Mejack did such a bang-up job of summarizing the show, I'm going to shut up and move on into the most recent American Idol headlines.

Never let it be said that I have not mastered the smooth segue...

Katharine McPhee gives a lovely interview to People Magazine this week. Shut up, Mejack. It's true! Among other things, she acknowledges that she came across as "aloof" and "dry" on the program. Self-critique is hot. My crush is restored. Again, shut up Mejack! (AmericanIdol.com)

Kat can also be found in a guest-starring role in the hit sitcom "Ugly Betty" on February 1 (ABC, 8PM EST). That is quite possibly, the one and only time the words "ugly" and "Katharine McPhee" were ever uttered in the same sentence. I'm so serious, Mejack. Zip it. (Blogcritics)

Chris Daughtry's first album bearing the oh-so-original name of Daughtry is currently No. 1 on The Billboard 200. I can't say I'm shocked. After all, this is a nation where the likes of Applebees and the Olive Garden thrive. We have an isatiable appetite for the bland, tasteless and ultimately unsatisfying. It's a wonder plain rice cakes are not the number one snack food. (AmericanIdol.com)

But, if Daughtry is your sort of thing and you happen to live in the Greensboro, North Carolina area, well, we just can never be friends. Oh, I kid. While I do think Chris is a tool, I have no beef with The Tar Heel State. Y'all will be the envy of many a geographically-challenged Daughtry fan when the chrome-domed singer treats his homestate to a free concert on March 23, 2007. Uh, yeah... have fun with that. (Monsters and Critics.com)

Lastly, those of you equipped with a PlayStation 2 -- and a desire to humiliate yourself in the privacy of your own home -- can "audition" for Idol courtesy of Konami's Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol. OMG. I don't have PlayStation but between this game and Guitar Hero, I think I really need to get myself one. Donations gladly accepted. I don't rule out the odd sexual favor in exchange. (A+E Interactive)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Katharine McPhee Has Really Scary Boobs

I think the title says it all.

Photo: Us Online

Hollywood is New Jersey with Celebrities

NYC Represent!!

First of all, the NYC auditions happened at Chelsea Piers -- which I CAN SEE FROM MY OFFICE WINDOW!!! How did I not know that this was happening?? I could have had an EXCLUSIVE of the auditions after I went and gawked at everyone and ran back to my PC at work and wrote a bit of a draft then leftit there for hours while I frantically IM'd Jess and Curly in ALL CAPITALS to emphasize (and probably exaggerate if not out and out lie about) what I just saw. Then I would have stayed late at work to finish my masterpiece of a post and it would probably have turned out to a run-on grammatical calamity as they all are (I am, after all an ACCOUNTANT) -- and then I would have gone home squawking about the injustices of working late. Or something. But I digress.

So NYC auditions. The extra judge -- Carol something or other. I seem to remember Ryan SeaQuest rambling on about her resume -- I think she wrote some songs and stuff and she knew Dionne Warwick or something but I was too transfixed by her Alexis Carrington hairdo to remember what he said.

The trouble with trying to recap the auditions is that there are so many people to talk about. I suppose I can't get through this without mentioning that MORON Ian Benardo who actually was on the local news following the show as well as on the cover of the fricken NY Post. There is NO WAY this guy was for real. The whole "Gloria" thing? Yeah, Pawl Bawldwin called and wants his accent back but Thanks For Playing! I did, however, find it uproariously funny when he demanded to see Simon's working visa and that he called Hollywood "New Jersey with celebrities." But again, NO WAY this is for real. Gawker has splendid coverage of it here.

Now, call me callous, but I wanted to smack of the girl who lied to her parents and went to NYC to audition and was sobbing about how she j-j-just wanted her d-d-daddy to be pr-pr-proud of her. Boo hoo. Of course she makes it to Hollywood and she calls her dad -- with SeaQuest in tow -- and everything is just GROOVY and the dad says -- on speakerphone -- how proud he is and then the girl hugs SeaQuest and all is right with the world again. Right. If I EVER did that -- if I made the show or not -- I would have never even got to Hollywood because my dad would have KICKED THE CRAP out of me and would have probably beat up SeaQuest too.

Aside from that, the rest of the show was a blur. I did enjoy the crazy bitch, Sarah Goldberg, who thought she was a perfect choice as the next American Idol because she COULD NOT sing. Outstanding. She went on this maniacal rant at how the judges were rude for being judgmental of her singing. As if they were judges in a singing competition. Oh wait.

There was also the equally outstanding Isadora "Don't Call Me Julie" crazy palm reader at the end who said she sounded like Janis. AND Led Zeppelin -- who she seemed to think was a Person. That Led Zeppelin guy. Right.

There's more. There was the balls out chick from Queens who likened herself to Rocky, the Jersey Shore twits (who reminded me way too much of my cousin Carmella) who were definitely judged by Simon's weiner, the drama mama Ashanti who had a nervous breakdown in front of millions of viewers, and the fucking excellent Rachel Zevits. I love that she sang a Jeff Buckley song. I loved how she appeared to be some lunatic cracked out tweaker but instead ended up being ENORMOUSLY talented. So far, she is my favorite. It's still early though.

Delayed New York Recap

My New York recap is coming soon, I promise. I had an emergency dental visit so I've been out of commission since last night. Fear not, the episode is stored on my DVR and I'm going to watch and then log in and bitch a blue streak about it. Stay tuned.

Memphis Shmemphis

Like Curly said, I found last night's American Idol to be... lackluster... lukewarm, if you will. I wonder if they went and frantically re-edited this week's auditions so they don't appear as cruel as they did last week. Think about it. Simon said "sweetheart" -- but not in a "it's just my weiner talking" kind of way -- at an alarming rate. Paula was also unusually coherent. Randy has gone from Mean Randy Guy to "GOOD LOOKIN OUT PROVE THE DAWG WRONG" Randy Guy that we are used to. There was also the montage of hearing the judges snarky remarks but not seeing to whom they were directed. Interesting. I did rather enjoy the "Amaya. A Mayor? Amaya. A Mayor?" exchange between Simon and Timika Sims, who was that chick with the demonic freaky deaky eyes who talked like Farmer Fran from The Waterboy.

My favorite from last night's show was Sundance Head. YOU GO SUNDANCE HEAD!

In other news, Katherine McPhee hates on American Idol and name drops "Tom and Katie" like they are her BFFs Seriously. I wish this biotch would shut her damn piehole already. She should be bowing down and THANKING American Idol for catapulting her skanky ass into the spotlight. No one would GIVE A SHIT about her if she was not on the damn show.

Memphis Recap

Is it just me or was tonight's episode rather lackluster? I scribbled down some notes while watching but looking over them now, I realize I'm low on both original thoughts and sufficient bile to soak them in.

But I'll give it a whirl anyway...

Jason "Sundance" Head shows promise in the vocal department. He also shows a striking resemblance to Meatloaf. Oh and his chin looks like it's covered in pubic hair. There's something obscene and unkempt about it. He needs to go at that thing with a Personal Touch trimmer and a bottle of Nair.

Timika Sims. Yeah, I'm not going there. Not because I think she's an easy target and I'm trying to take the high road here. Oh no. It's mostly because, like Simon, I couldn't understand a goddamn word she said.

Wandera Hitchye treated us to the evening's first meltdown. She's the broad who stormed out of the room, covered up the camera lens and yelled, "Get that shit out my face. I don't want to see that." Funny, I was thinking the same thing about her hair. It was like a series of bright red stalagmites. The more I think about it, the more I want to go spelunking.

Christopher "Topher" McCain. He's the poor schlub who looked like a more zaftig Dave Barry and was recently dumped by his wife. This audition was supposed to be the ex's comeuppance but well... no, Topher, it wasn't. If anything, it just strengthened her case for divorce.

And lastly, Robert Lee Holmes. Here's a guy I would actually feel bad picking on, believe it or not. So I won't. But I do have to share this exchange between Robert and Simon:

Robert: "I sing, dance, act and I write stories."

Simon: "What kind of stories do you write?"

Robert: "I write the story about the music of Robert."

Simon: "... How does the current part end?"

Robert: "With a period. It ends with a period."

Brilliant, Robert, just brilliant.

Photos: AmericanIdol.com

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram

It's here, boys and girls. We at American Midol have been hard at work and foaming at the mouths to present to you our latest mean-spirited endeavor. The wait is over! It's finally here! Without further ado and uncharacteristic use of exclamation points, I proudly present to you The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram!

Each week, your intrepid team of bitchy beavers will monitor Paula's behavior and then rate her level of sanity on a scale of one to ten, with one being normal (relatively speaking) and 10 being batshit crazy.

Because I know that fancy-schmancy Excel program, I'll be averaging and plotting Paula's scores on a chart each week for the rest of the season. Here's the results for Season Six, so far:

Click to enlarge

I have to say that after her drunken pre-show publicity tour, Paula's kind of kept it together during the first few episodes. Again, relatively speaking. I expect lots of spikes on the season-long chart. In fact, here's a rendering of what the chart might look like by the finale:

Click to enlarge

Please note that additional color-coded data lines may be added to track Paula's level of sobriety, blood alcohol content and any other histrionics she may throw our way. I fully expect to be adding an intricate legend to this chart by next week. Mark my words.

All McPhee, All the Time

To promote her new "album," Katharine Mcphee will be making the TV rounds. Here's her schedule if you'd like to set the DVR:

01.29: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

01.31: The Today Show

02.01: Live with Regis and Kelly

02.05: TRL

02.06: The Early Show

02.07: Jimmy Kimmell Live

02.08: Larry King Live

Good thing McPhee's agent gets the whole "overexposure" concept. Also, Ms. McPhee tortures puppies. Best. Pic. Ever.

More News:

• Paris Bennet's debut album "Princess P." is in the works, and will feature Kevin Covais and Lisa Tucker. Kevin will be rapping. If that's not the first sign of the apocalypse, I don't know what is. (United Press International)



• Steven Thoen, the redhead in Seattle who sang "Bohemian Rhapsody," is apparently mildly mentally challenged. Says his pissed-off mother. Which makes that whole segment way less amusing, incidentally. ( West Central Tribune)

Newsbrief

Kelly Clarkson is the new face of NASCAR, y'all. If I actually gave a rat's ass, I'd take the time to find out who the old face of NASCAR was. But I really, really don't. I cannot stress that enough. (Reality TV World)

Season 6 wasted no time producing its first convict. Thomas Daniels, the dude I think looks like Lionel from The Jeffersons, was nabbed for a DUI in 2004 as well as a hit-and-run the following year.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if Tommy does make it to the finals, he will NOT be featured in any of those retarded Ford Focus commercials. All his costars will have to prance around and make asses of themselves and he'll be spared. Not the way I would have gone about it, but well done just the same, Tommy! (TMZ)

Speaking of oppressive product placement, Dreyer's Ice Cream is running an Idol-style contest for its Slow Churned Lite line of ice cream. Idol viewers and anyone bored enough are invited to vote for one of five new flavors (Hollywood Cheesecake, Soulful Sundae Cone, Choc 'n Roll Caramel, Take the Cake or Triple Talent). Gawd, those names! The favorite flavor will be sent to the "finals" and then forced to sing sappy ballads while legally bound to an iron-clad, soul-crushing contract, no doubt.

You know, part of me wants to slap this campaign with a big ol' "DUH!" but I won't because, well, I'm kind of hoping Dreyer's hooks me up with some free ice cream. Yes, I can be bought. Cheap. (Slashfood)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Poll Time

So the general consensus, as it applies to the mainstream media, is that the judges' assessments of the people auditioning is, in technical terms, way harsh. What do you think?

Are the Judges Too Mean This Season?
	Yes, they've gone from simply dashing hopes and dreams to making people suicidal.
	No. Someone has to tell these people they suck.
	Randy is.
	Randy and Paula are.
	Simon is.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

I Call Bullshit

That's right, folks. Every now and then, I see a contestant on American Idol who I think may be someone playing a character. Call me cynical, but I'm pretty sure the following contestants are full of shit:

Jonathan Jayne: Robust kid in the Hawaiian shirt


Nicholas Zitzmann: Awkward computer programmer

Kenneth Briggs: Bush baby

Darwin "Misha" Reedy and her "mother"

Seriously. Don't feel bad for any of these people. They are all improv comics who are hoping this character will get them on SNL. I have a theory, too, that the people that Simon really unleashes on are the people who he suspects are not who they claim to be.

Here's who you should feel bad for: Amy Salgado. AI has a formula for auditions. Only the hilariously bad and awesomely good get back stories. Don't trot out some chick with a kid and a crap husband and let her tell us her story in her own words, and CRY on camera, and then humiliate her after her bad audition. I mean, how is that not the cruelest thing ever?

See? I may be a cynic, but my heart isn't entirely black.

Links:

• Death by Camera does the leg work finding all the contestants' MySpace profiles so we don't have to. See them here.


• Television Without Pity's recaplet


• EW's recap

Seattle: A Partial Recap

I slacked last night, boys and girls. I can't even lie. I got home later than expected and didn't finish watching "American Idol." I did catch the beginning and I even scribbled a few thoughts on a legal pad. I'll give the episode the proper treatment later but for now, here are a few of the notes I took:

Jennifer "The Hotness" Chapton: Looks like Sy Snootles, the lead singer of The Max Rebo Band. Um, for you non-nerds, that would be the group that sings in Jabba's palace in "Return of the Jedi." Oh, shut up. You know you loved that movie, Ewoks and all.

Amy Salgado: The chick who needed water and complained "I have a really dry throat." Simon's reply: "Amy, you could like down in a bath with your mouth open and you still couldn't sing." Quite possibly his best comeback ever.

Darwin "Misha" Reedy: "Daria" meets "Working Girl." Dry, lifeless tone coupled with white sneakers and black tights. Did she commute to her audition? Her mother is dressed like The Church Lady. Or that weird chick with the bun played by Ruth Buzzy on "Laugh In."

Thomas "Tommy" Daniels: Looks like the first Lionel from "The Jeffersons."

Melissa Stavros: Hippo.

That's as far as I got, folks. More to come later. Promise. Mean it.

Photo: Galactic News

Diamond Vision

There were moments last night when I glanced around and we all were watching the show with our hands over our eyes, peeking out through our fingers. We couldn't bear direct viewing. We needed to hide. A friend of mine refers to this as "diamond vision". There was much diamond vision going on last night.

I am continuously baffled at those who truly BELIEVE that they can sing. Not even that they could be the next American Idol. But that they can actually carry a tune. I don't get it. They cannot hear themselves. They sing and they hear Maria Callas ... but what's coming out is a horrific wolf-howl. How are they SO off in their assessment of their abilities?

Jessica Rhode - the first girl to sing - with her strange thin lips, her protruding apple cheeks, and her disturbing skirt made of 1/4 denim and 3/4s ... billowy sheer curtains ... was blown AWAY that she was rejected. She could not get her mind around the fact that they had said No. Her response to the judges when it was a unanimous "No" was: "Are you serious???" She was gobsmacked. It had never even occurred to her that she would be turned down.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? She's seen the show. She knows that a bazillion people are auditioning. Putting aside the fact that she could not sing - how could she have not been aware of the fact that the answer might be "No"? How does one hide from reality so successfully?

So for me, it's not only the terrible singing that brings about the diamond vision. It is also the shocking lack of self-awareness.

My favorite quote of the night was from Simon (big surprise):

"You're singing opera, and you're dressed as Apollo Creed. What do you want me to say to you?"

He had had it.

Oh, and Paula had a moment where I think what she said was, "I'm gonna pass", but it came out sounding like, "Mmmonna pss."

Come again?

More Thoughts on the Season Premiere

The Lovely Jess was good enough to record our quips and color commentary during last night's season premiere. Now that I've had some time to chew on the scenes that unfolded before our horrified eyes last night, I would like to contribute a few more items:

1) In retrospect, it wasn't all that funny to watch Jason Anderson, a pimply 16-year-old boy, have an emotional breakdown after his audition went sour. And by "went sour," I mean sucked ass from the get-go.

I blame his family and friends though, not the judges. This is what happens when a whipped parent blows smoke up a child's ass -- the kid is reduced to tears before millions of people and will probably receive a daily wedgie from classmates from now until he graduates. Unless, of course, he cracks under the pressure of the relentless taunts and ridicule and drops out of school and ends up turning tricks and huffing spray paint in a dumpster behind the Mall of America.

What's even more tragic is that we, the audience, were assaulted with this "triple threat" of screeching, clod-hopping and Devil Stick... er, juggling? Sticking? I don't know even know what to properly call that shit. Why did he even bring them? Last I checked, this was an "American Idol" audition, not the parking lot at a Phish show. Speaking of which, mmm... nitrous.

2) You can pretty much rescue the most painful of insults by attaching a "sweetheart" or a "darling" to the end of it. Simon Cowell excels at this. "You were absolutely dreadful and have not a stitch of talent. Now off you go, sweetheart." See, it starts out cold and harsh but softens ever-so-slightly when that term of an endearment is tacked on at the end. It's sort of brilliant. The next time I call someone's mama a fat whore, I'll be sure to use this tactic.

3) Josh Flom is yet another misguided "rocker" who fancies himself the next Chris Daughtry and has mistaken phlegm-clearing for singing. Initially, I did not enjoy his audition, but dear Lord, my anticipation of his singing an ABBA song was quite possibly the best part of the whole show. While I waited patiently for him to select and subsequently butcher a beloved pop confection, I took it upon myself to apply his singing style to a medley of every ABBA song I know. FYI, "Fernando" and "Winner Takes It All" were the funniest of the sad lot. Well, to me, at least. Jess, Sheila and Mejack might not agree.

4) Paula, while clearly strung out on something, was rather subdued last night. With the exception of a few erratic arm-waving and swatting gestures, she held it together. Maybe Jewel had a calming effect on her. I know from personal experience that if you sit me down with a Jewel song or, perish the thought, some of her poetry, I'll be sawing logs in no time. Jewel's not a singer, she's a sedative. For Paula's sake, they should become BFFs. But for my sake, and the sake of this blog, they most definitely should not. Paula's spaz-outs are the leading source of most of our material. Speaking of which, we'll be launching a new Paula feature this week. And it's a good one! Details to come.

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Premiere: The Sort-of Recap

Sheila, Mejack and Curly came over last night to drink wine, eat pizza, hummus, pita chips and girl scout cookies, and howl with laughter at the bad contestants. I took notes. Here they are. And is it me, or are the "good" singers so far not all that good?

Mejack on Jessica Rhode (Jewel wannabe, disturbing skirt): She sounds like Pee-Wee Herman.

Jessica Rhode on Jessica Rhode (after being told she would most definitely NOT be going to Hollywood): I'm like waiting for them to come out here and be like 'psyche!'

Jess and Sheila, respectively, on Jesse Holloway (black dude, mumbler):

DisTAAANCE?

It's abusive!

Mejack on Charles Moody: If that doesn't say methamphetamine, I don't know what does. He's a gay, Uncle Sam tweaker.

Sheila on Tashawn Moore (when she "tuned in" to the imaginary sound coming through her imaginary headphones): Sweetie, there's no other sound in the room.

Mejack and Curly, respectively, on Perla Meneses:

Randy, your dick's talking.

She's like Shakira and Charo's love child.

Sheila on Jarrod Fowler (Navy Guy): Hun, I think you're hot and I want your cock, is what's happening.

Sheila and Mejack, respectively, on Michelle Steingas:

I like her.

I don't like her belt.

Mejack on Dayna Dooley (black chick whose boss wants to bang her): Randy's got a boner.

Curly and Sheila, respectively on Matt Sato (little gay boy with unfortunate mole who sang "California Dreamin"):

Uh oh, what's on your nose?

DON'T sex this song up.

Me? I'm not funny so I just take notes. Actually no, I have one:

Jess on Josh Flom (Chris Daughtry wannabe): You're not a rocker, you're a PUSSY.

We counted three "dawgs" from Randy. I guess he's trying to exercise a little restraint this season. Simon? Awesome. Paula? Drunk. Jewel? Wait, Jewel was there? I didn't notice. Also, TVgasm has a full recap. YouTube is letting me down in a big way, though. I want video of the juggler real bad.

UPDATE: Death by Camera has something truly awesome. The rejects' MySpace profiles. Of course, I don't know what Mejack is going to do with her afternoon now, but still. Amazing. Via Gawker.

Newsbreak

In case you didn't know, American Idol 6 starts tomorrow. Are you ready? We're having ourselves a little premiere party. I'd invite y'all, but my apartment is really tiny. Anyway, hopefully this will tide you over until tomorrow:

MSNBC takes an "interactive" look at the American Idol numbers. It's not terribly interactive. They also have a "blog this" option, which I initially got excited for, until I realized that you have to be on MSN spaces in order to use it. Two strikes, MSNBC. Count 'em. (MSNBC)

ABC is a bunch of pussies afraid to put Dancing with the Stars up against Idol. (EARTHtimes.org: Yeah, I don't know either.)

Paula Abdul does NOT drink. Ever. It must be all the Vicodin, then. (FOX6 San Diego)

Set the DVR! (Fuck TiVo) Katharine McPhee will play herself on Ugly Betty on February 1st. Mejack and Mr. Mejack will be watching, no doubt. (RTE)

The bad singers who audition are not Randy Jackson's dawgs. (OC Register)

Wow

That's all I can say. Paula Abdul at KCPQ TV-13, the Fox affiliate in Seattle, talking about the auditions there, her magical pet monkey and how she's single-handedly going to bring peace to the Middle East. I mean, just, wow.

Mark Your Calendars

FOX has announced their schedule for the 6th season of American Idol. Are you excited? Can you contain yourselves? I actually can't, which makes me a bigger dork than I'd previously thought. Anyway, here are the dates you'll need to know.

• January 16th and 17th: Premiere (8:00-10:00 each night)



• January 23rd and 24th: Regular time slots begin (8:00 p.m. on Tuesday and 9:00 p.m. on Wednesday, Memphis and New York auditions)



• January 30th and 31st: Birmingham [Ed: Dear God, no more Alabama] and San Antonio auditions



• February 6th and 7th: L.A. auditions and some other "rest of the best" nonsense



• February 13th and 14th: Top 24 announced



• February 20th, 21st and 22nd: Y'all finally get to vote. Don't fuck it up. Also, the results show moves to Thursday and Tuesday and Wednesday focus on performances (one night for the ladies and one for the dudes), meaning that I will no longer have a life three nights out of the week instead of two.



• February 27th, 28th and March 1st: Top 20



• March 6th, 7th and 8th: Top 12 finalists



• March 13th and 14th: Back to your regularly scheduled programming

And that's all I got. When I have more, I'll of course pass it along to you.

All the News That's Fit to Pinch

I know you've been foaming at the mouth and battling the shakes for your next "Idol" news fix so suffer no longer, my fellow fiends. Here's the latest:

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes! Twists and turns are afoot! According to an executive producer of our beloved program, we can look forward to "a big-event show, sometime in the middle of the season, something that will blow America away." Hmm... Anyone want to take a stab at what the surprise could possibly be? My guess is that Randy ventures beyond his usual five-word vocabulary. (MSNBC)

Fear not, all you non-techie types and poor slobs prone to the occasional TiVo/DVR programming mishap! Episodes of Season 6 will be available online immediately after the broadcast. That's a huge relief for me because I'm going to have a dickens of a time explaining the tantrum-induced crack in my cable box to my cable provider. It didn't record a results show last season and well, it had to pay. But between you, me and the lamppost, I'm telling them that's the condition it arrived in. You dig? (The Daily Reel)

In other news, "Idol" producers have finally figured out what we've known all along -- the song selections for finalists suck copious amounts of ass. So, in an effort to find something a little less shitty for the top two to warble, producers are reportedly adding a songwriting contest this season. Oh good! Now we'll have a name and face to put with the usual scorn and insults. Potential applicants: Make sure your contact info is not a matter of public record because we WILL track you down and ridicule you mercilessly, if need be. (Reality TV World)

Have you just been dying to know what John Stevens, the carrot-topped crooner from Season 3 has been up to these days? Yeah, me neither. But you can get yourself up to speed on the likes of Frenchie Davis, Kimberly Caldwell, Jim Verraros and that perky wee Diana DeGarmo thanks to the crack investigative team over at Entertainment Weekly.

Oh and as of this posting, it is 7 days, 4 hours, 38 minutes and 4 seconds to the Season 6 premiere. Not that I'm obsessed or anything...

The Final Countdown

Doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot…

(Hm, no one remembers that song by the 80s hair band Europe? Well, okay then.)

We are officially back from our semi-hiatus to start the countdown to Idol madness. Can you stand the suspense?

15 Days!

Now, let's get to the news, shall we?

Jennifer Hudson, who y'all couldn't be bothered to vote for but will still happily climb on the bandwagon now, to be honored by the Oklahoma Film Critics, which is probably not that big of a deal. I mean, Oklahoma? I didn't even know they had films there. (Playbill)

Everything you always wanted to know about Simon Cowell. Oh wait, no. That was the Rolling Stone interview. This is just less of the same. (Extra)

The predictions are in: Idol 6 ratings are going to suck ass. In related news, Midol bloggers wonder why the hell it took them five years to come up with the idea to blog about the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

Breaking! Simon Cowell makes a buttload of money. I initially typed "buttloaf" there, which is funny. (United Press International)

Audition Videos Galore! See the freaks who came out for their chance to be on the show. (American Idol Official Site)