News Brief

Are you excited for the top 12 boys tonight? I am SO motherfucking excited. In fact, I may even skip yoga and watch in real time. That's dedication, yo. Anyway, onto today's news:

Kelly Clarkson thinks Britney Spears is still hot with her bald head. I agree to a point -- it's a vast improvement over that busted up weave, but I'm not sure I'd go so far as "hot." (All Headline News)

Nigel Lithgoe says there's a big twist coming up, and it's not the much-talked-about songwriting competition. I'm thinking Paula Abdul doing kegstands halfway through every program. Oh wait, no. Paula's never been drunk. EVER. (TV Grapevine)

Simon Cowell hates kids, marriage. (Daily Mail)

Ayla Brown discusses song choices, outfits, and gives some advice to the Top 24. (Boston Herald)

If you got a busy signal while trying to place your vote for Taylor Hicks last season, you're not alone. Also, I think I might hate you. Here, a look at why the phone lines are so clogged up. (Forbes)

Michael Jackson and Nigel Lithgoe dispel rumors that Jacko's going to be on the show this season. I am so, so happy that I don't have to cringe my way through that freakshow. (Celebrity Spider)

Recap, News and Other Blathering

No more auditions! Yay! I'm happy as could be, and the previews for Hollywood week look awesome.

I'm not going to talk about the trainwrecks on Wednesday's show. Only the two that I actually liked. Tami Gosnell, the pedicab driver who sounds like Janis Joplin, is awesome. I love her. Ebony Jointer is just amazing. I bet her other two rollerskating friends secretly hate her. I'm not sure why they let her cohort, Ashley Cleland, through exactly, but whatevs. I'm over it.

Now, onto the news:

WebMD talks to psychology experts about what makes people who couldn't sing their way out of a paper bag audition for American Idol. (WebMD)

Las Vegas contestant Mikalah Gordon shares what really goes on during Idol auditions. (TV Squad)

Ayla Brown's daddy hates the gays. Naturally, everyone hates Senator Scott Brown. And he's not afraid to talk about it, much to the horror of the teachers at the King Philip Regional High School assembly he was speaking at. (CBS News)

Speaking of bad daddies, Clyde Raymond Pickler, Jr., who sired none other than Kellie Pickler, attacked a female acquaintance with a steak knife. Glad to see all that prison time straightened his ass out. (Charlotte Observor)

The final 24 predictions have begun (phillyBurbs)

Idol alum Anthony Federov hits Broadway as a cast member in The Fantasticks (Theater Mania)

More Courtney Love madness. Rumor has it she's been asked to guest judge on Nirvana night. Wait, Idol's doing a Nirvana night? Please. Oh please, let this be true. (Celebrity Spider)

TWoP's Wednesday recap

EW's Wednesday recap

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

Greetings, minions. Not too much in the way of news today. Anna Nicole Smith is dominating the headlines so I have no choice but to be brief. No whining! There's more to come tomorrow. Until then...

There's a rather tasty blind item in The Back Row column in today's issue of the Daily News...

What former American Idol is up to their nose in bad behavior? Friends were amazed at a high-profile fashion week after-party at how much fairy dust the crooner put away.

Hmmm... Jess and I spotted Katharine McPhee and Jim Verraros at the Marc Jacobs show on Monday night. MJ is rather high-profile so it follows that his after-party would be as well, no? Interesting. Very interesting.

Kat's got her share of issues but I don't think blowing rails in public is among them. Now I'm not saying Jim is necessarily the culprit here because for all I know, there were a gaggle of Idol cast-offs running amok during Fashion Week that I didn't see up and close and personal. Still, I think it's a safe bet. Any other guesses?

Okay, moving on to less inflammatory things that won't get our asses sued... Season Five's Bucky Covington has no beef with Simon Cowell nor his cranky critiques. Quite the contrary, he graciously took his lumps and is enjoying the fame the show helped him achieve. Hear that Jennifer "I was misquoted!" Hudson?! That's what you call gratitude and not being a dumb bitch. Look into it. (People.com)

Ebony Jointer, she of the waitress outfit/roller skates/two less-talented hangers-on combo in last night's final round of auditions is not a complete entertainment neophyte as it turns out. Girlfriend actually hit the gridiron with the Chicago Bliss, a Lingerie Football League team back in 2005. (Note to self: Do thorough Google image search of those photos. How did I not know about this?!)

Ebony's also been seen on America's Next Top Model and had a small role in Pauly Shore Is Dead. Scandalous! A Pauly Shore movie, Ebony? Seriously? (TMZ.com via RealityTVMagazine.com)

And finally, this is not technically news... except to those who know me and how snobby I am about my mp3 collection but I, Curly McDimple, just downloaded the Jason Nevins Rock da Club Edit of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and I am, as we speak, rocking out like it's my job. Trust me, it's hot.

Photo: FOX

Not Necessarily the News

As part of their "People You Should Know" section, CNN asks Katharine McPhee the tough questions. You know, hard-hitting questions like, "Your image is much sexier now. Was that intentional?" I hate when I accidentally give myself a sexy makeover. I did it twice last week, even. (CNN)

Paula Abdul gets sued for secretly selling her reality show that was supposed to air on Oxygen to Bravo. Well, of course she did. She probably figured no one would notice. Also, whatever network Hey Paula finally airs on, I am SO there. (Post Chronicle)

Ashlyn Carr, she of the second chances and the strange facial expressions (and also a very pretty voice, IMHO), is a hardened criminal. Okay, not really, but she was charged with criminal mischief in November 2006 for pouring sugar in her ex-boyfriend's gas tank. If he was another one of those people who were mean to her because she had such a great voice, then he totally deserved it, obvs. (Reality TV magazine)

Speaking of criminal Idol contestants, Akron Watson, also from San Antonio, was uninvited after getting through to Hollywood. While he does have a misdemeanor charge of marijuana possession against him, he'd apparently told Idol about it. Very curious. He's launched a MySpace page to gain support to be reinstated as a contestant. (Reality TV Magazine)

And because I'm apparently a Reality TV Magazine groupie today, here's another: There's a rumor floating around that Sean Michel, my personal favorite thus far, may be disqualified for not cutting his long-ass Jesus hair and beard. This better not be true. Not in a world where we have to live with Taylor Hicks, who the boyfriend refers to as "that elderly gentleman who won American Idol last season." (Reality TV Magazine)

Back in the day, Simon Cowell was a little girly man cowering before Eddie Murphy. (TV Squad)

Miss last night's show? I missed some of it because I was baking a sticky toffee pudding. I'd give you some, but I really didn't make enough for everyone and that wouldn't be fair. Thank heavens the audition shows are finally over! If you need to catch up on the San Antonio auditions, choose your own adventure:

People Magazine's recap

EW's recap

Television Without Pity's recap

Or, you know, check back later for Curly's recap. Naturally, it will be the best one.

News Roundup

It is with a heavy heart that I report that there is no truth to the rumor that Courtney Love will bump Paula Abdul from her judging berth.

How could this happen, you ask? Because God likes to raise my hopes and then cruelly dash them. Although, in truth, I don't want Paula going anywhere. Her spasms, outbursts and slurred speech are reliably entertaining. I need Paula's crazy. Please don't take this from me. Ever.

I was hoping to see Courtney and Paula riding out their respective highs (and subsequent crashes) side-by-side with Simon Cowell providing color commentary. Courtney would flip him off. The censors would develop callouses from hitting the bleep button to drown out her unending stream of profanity. Then the graphics department would have digitize large portions of the screen to prevent impressionable children from seeing Courtney's boobs and snatch. It would have been fun for all, really.

And now, sadly, this doesn't seem to be in the cards for us. Unless, Barry Manilow or Dionne Warwick swing by after a good bender. I'm sure Whitney can hook her aunt up with a bit of the crack. Think of the ratings! (Us Online)

Onward.

Jennifer Hudson resents being "the girl in the turkey wrapping." Truthfully, I didn't know that she was ever affiliated with poultry but then again, I'm prematurely senile so my recollection -- or lack thereof -- and a token might get you a ride on the subway.

Anyways, apparently Jennifer was branded with this rather forgettable (again, to me) description back during her Idol run and she hasn't quite gotten over it. Hudson tells Essence magazine that she was unfairly pegged as this "character" and had to "sing her way out of it." The show's "abusive," large fries aren't nearly large enough for her liking, yadda, yadda, yadda, whine whine whine.

I've seen and heard many adjectives applied to Hudson of late – Golden Globe winner, SAG winner, Oscar nominee, breakout performer, star-in-the-making, big fatso, etc. I've see no references to turkey and/or any of its trimmings. I mean, I could make an obvious stuffing joke but I'll abstain because I'm classy like that. (People.com)

Bucky Covington's hitting the Grand Ole Opry for the first-time ever. I really have nothing else to say about that because that would require me filling my brain with references to country music and I have better things to do with that precious space. Like memorizing the phone book and/or counting the number of bricks in my apartment building. (AmericanIdol.com)

Thanks to a hit album completely devoid of songs requiring him to inquire if he makes us proud, Chris Daughtry is no longer being a whiny ass bitch about his early ouster last season. Furthermore, he's super tired of all you people telling him he was robbed so y'all can just drop it. Seriously. Stop talking about it. It's not just Chris who's tired of that shit.

If it makes you disgruntled followers feel any better, it was his premature dismissal (hee hee, that sounds dirty) that allowed Daughtry to form... uh, Daughtry, instead of having to go it alone while tethered to a beastly contract laden with stipulations and restrictions and worst of all, crappy ballads that will one day be converted into muzak and pumped into the aisles of the Winn-Dixie as well as performed at eighth grade graduations for years to come.

See, Chris was really worried that the songs spawned from an Idol-produced album "would have stomped on [his] credibility a little bit." No no, Chris, don't be silly. It's your association with Creed that did that. (Access Hollywood)

Photo: Jeff Schneid/Getty Images

Birmingham, the Recap

And this, my friends, is the point in the season where I say to myself, "Holy Mary Mother of God, can we get to fucking Hollywood already?"

Birmingham, blah. Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, Bo Bice, blah. Why does Birmingham have to hog all of the American Idols?

Anyway, let's go. First up was Erika Skye, who bears more than your passing resemblance to Stephanie Klein and sang a screamy rendition of "Unchained Melody" that made my brain hurt. I'm not going to go into everyone else -- just the ones I feel like talking about.

Jamie Lynn Ward. Now, her father shot her mother and then himself, leaving him paralyzed in a wheelchair. We weren't told the mother's fate, but she doesn't live in the house so I'm guessing it's not good. It's a sad story, and it makes her this season's Kellie Pickler. But here's the thing. I may hate The Pickler now, but I really liked her after the audition. Why? Because she had a sad story and she sang the crap out of "Since U Been Gone." Jamie Lynn Ward did not sing the crap out of "Reflection." Had she been a regular girl without a good backstory, we wouldn't have even seen her audition, and she certainly wouldn't have made it to Hollywood.

Now, Chris Sligh. He also didn't sing the shit out of "Kiss From a Rose," but he said he was there to make David Hasselhoff cry, and for that he should be the next American Idol. Let's review: Dad shoots mom, self. Go home. Snarky comment about David Hasselhoff. You're the next American Idol. My heart is black and my soul is cold.

Last but now least, Brandy Patterson. Delusional and with an attitude up to here, she poured kerosene on "Like a Virgin," lit it on fire and then danced on the ashes. I mean, just, wow. The best part was Simon's reaction to her. I love it when Simon, who is so reserved, bursts into laughter. And when he said, "Call me," and she said, "I don't want to call you," and he said, "Yes you do," and they went on and on, I burst out laughing. I love me some Simon Cowell.

Paula was mysteriously absent on Day 2 of Birmingham. Did she really have "family business"? Was she too drunk to go on? Did the lack of talent in Birmingham send her over the edge? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this year's American Idol will not be from Alabama.

Link it up, baby:

Death by Camera has the Memphis contestant's MySpace Profiles.

EW has the full recap

As does TWoP

News Roundup

Greetings! One-fifth of your favorite "pseudo-intellectual satirist" team has just returned from Ireland, where I dutifully watched a little bit of the Memphis auditions during football half-time (soccer for you Americans). I still have a couple of hours to catch up on, so I'll stick with the news until I've done so. I do, however, love Sean Michel, the homeless-looking hippie dude who sang Johnny Cash. I want to do bong hits with him. Anyway, the news:

Simon Cowell hates technology, music, often rubs two sticks together to make fire. Guess that means he'll never read American Midol. (AZ Central)

Katharine McPhee releases her highly-anticipated (couldn't even type that with a straight face) debut album. If you're curious to hear what all the fuss is about, but loathe to shell out the big bucks to do so, it's your lucky day, because AOL Music is streaming that bitch for free. (WTOP)

Armed & Famous cancelled due to poor ratings, leading TV execs and the media to the shocking conclusion that if you want a new show, an old show or any show, really, to succeed, you might not want to air it opposite American Idol. (Canada.com)

Chris Daughtry's debut album hits #1. In related news, Americans have really shitty taste in music. (93X Rocks)

Everything you never wanted to know about what went on behind the scenes at the Birmingham auditions. (MyFox Birmingham)

When drunk and incoherent, it's always best to blame Simon Cowell. Riiiight, Paula. (Access Hollywood)

And there you have it. I'd also like to address a couple of search terms that have recently brought visitors to the site. First, to the person who got here by searching for "mean american idol bloggers suck," I'm terribly sorry you feel that way. And for the individual searching for Ryan Seacrest's height, the official party line is 5'8", but since short guys always add an inch or two, I'm guess he's actually around 5'6" or 5'7". Has anyone stood next to him? If so, kindly weigh in.

All McPhee, All the Time

To promote her new "album," Katharine Mcphee will be making the TV rounds. Here's her schedule if you'd like to set the DVR:

01.29: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

01.31: The Today Show

02.01: Live with Regis and Kelly

02.05: TRL

02.06: The Early Show

02.07: Jimmy Kimmell Live

02.08: Larry King Live

Good thing McPhee's agent gets the whole "overexposure" concept. Also, Ms. McPhee tortures puppies. Best. Pic. Ever.

More News:

• Paris Bennet's debut album "Princess P." is in the works, and will feature Kevin Covais and Lisa Tucker. Kevin will be rapping. If that's not the first sign of the apocalypse, I don't know what is. (United Press International)



• Steven Thoen, the redhead in Seattle who sang "Bohemian Rhapsody," is apparently mildly mentally challenged. Says his pissed-off mother. Which makes that whole segment way less amusing, incidentally. ( West Central Tribune)

News You Probably Can't Use

Not necessarily the news, but really, is there anything funnier than a Paula Abdul fug? Okay, a Britney fug, but Paula is a close second. (Go Fug Yourself)

Bucky Covington, also known in some circles as My Boyfriend, signs a deal with Lyric Street Records. Album comes out April 17, two days after my birthday. Totally planned. Thanks Bucky! Also, a sort-of-but-really interview with the man himself. His first single, "A Different World," will hit the country airwaves January 16th. ('American Idol' official site)

The 'American Idol' karaoke video game! 'Nuff said. (USA Today)

Ruben Studdard wants Alabama residents to quit being a bunch of fatasses. (The Birmingham News)

Review: Taylor Hicks' debut Taylor Hicks not all that and a bag of chips. Is anyone surprised? You know, besides the millions of retards who voted for him week after week? (Rocky Mountain News)

The Cure

No, I'm not talking about my all-time favorite band. I'm talking about hiccups. Specifically, those belonging to Kellie Pickler.


Says The Tennessean:

Kellie Pickler Loses Hockey Brawl

Country newcomer Kellie Pickler has discovered there's one competition more brutal than American Idol: pro hockey. After singing to Clemson and Kentucky fans at Legends on Friday, she attended her first hockey game Saturday and afterward joined Predators Jordin Tootoo and Scottie Upshall at the Tin Roof.

Told to do a handstand to cure her hiccups, she kicked up her red high heels over her head. A pretend hockey fight broke out and Kellie, 20, ended up at the bottom of the pile. The melee left a knot on her forehead that remains. At least she still has all of her teeth.

Google tells me that doing a handstand is, in fact, a cure for hiccups. But honestly, doesn't that seem like a lot of work when they'll probably just go away on their own? And I bet the conversation went like this:

Kellie: Y'all, I have hiccups!

My Hero: Do a handstand!

Kellie: All right!

My Hero (to friend): Dude, we're at a hockey game. I didn't think she'd really do it.

My Hero's Friend (shaking head): What a dumbass. Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

I go back and forth on whether or not I think Kellie Pickler is a genuine idiot, or an idiot solely for entertainment's sake. In this case, I'm going to go with the former.

Some other Idol-related news: Mandisa writing a book about food addiction. Read about it here.

Also, 13 Days! See the shiny new graphic that Curly made? It's over there -->

I Didn't Wait a Lifetime for a Moment Like This

I'm a little late to the game on the relatively new music the 'Idol' kids are putting out. Luckily, AOL Music has all sorts of tracks to listen to from Chris Daughtry and Katharine McPhee today. Here's what I think of them. Then, if you're as behind as I am, you can listen and decide for yourself.

Daughtry. I actually don't hate "Home," the first song. I do, however, think it sounds like every single power balled written between 1986 and 1992. But I was a fan of the power ballads. Hell, I even made a mix tape of them that I played Every. Single. Time. my high school boyfriend and I made out. I'm sure he loved that. The second song, which is his first single, "It's Not Over," bored me to tears. And then I had to stop listening. Chris Daughtry is pretty. I shouldn't find him so boring. I love little bald dudes. There's just, I don't know, something missing. Charisma? Personality? A chromosome? Hell if I know.

Now, onto McPhee. Now, I don't love her the way Curly does, and I don't hate her the way Mejack does. I'm more indifferent than anything else, although I think she has very pretty hair and I would kill to have her makeup person go at my face. I'm not really digging "Over It," which is the first single. It's a little… watered-down I guess is how I would describe it. I most definitely do not want to start shaking my ass at my desk at work. And that's a bad sign, because if you know me, you know I love to shake my ass at my desk at work. Ditto on "Each Other," and that's enough listening to crap for me this afternoon.

If I'm forcing myself to say something nice, I'll say this. Both of those songs could kick the ass of "A Moment Like This," and look at Kelly Clarkson now. Anything can happen.

Watch Chris Daughtry

Listen to Katharine McPhee

What do you think? Also, 14 Days!

My Moment of Zen

I'm not going to lie to you... I am absolutely ELATED that Disgusting Gross Constantine got the boot from American Idol tonight. I'm not pleased that Anthony "Trach Boy" Federov and Scott "I Beat up Girls with my Vienna Sausage Fingers" Savol are still in the running but the ouster of that slimy, off-key fuck more than makes up for the presence of the other two. No doubt Constantine will go on to bigger things but like Clay Aitken before him, I'm confident that I can successfully ignore any strides he makes. BUT! With any luck, Constantine will soon be dogged by persistent, dirty rumors just like Clay. Ooh, maybe I'll even plant some. Any suggestions?