Monday News Update

Are you ready for some headlines? No? Well, fuck you then. I'm delivering them anyway. Bite me.

Curly McDimple Is a Big Fat Liar
Okay, so this isn't news, nor a legitimate "Idol" headline but it's sadly true. In my sporadic posts this season, I have regaled you with promises of follow-up posts with more details, photos, etc. and I have yet to make good on any it. I blow.

Word to the wise: Don't fulfill a New Year's obligation to revamp your apartment in January and February when those are historically the busiest months of the year at your day job. No, I'm not an accountant. Fuck math! I deal with dopey celebs, yo. Don't they know it's prime "Idol" season? Can't they slap each other on the backs in a neverending series of self-congratulatory award ceremonies in, like, July or whatever? Selfish!!

I do apologize for my absence though. And now on to the meat and potatoes... Wait, or is it bread and butter? Or neither? Does any of this make sense? All I know is I'm still at work and really hungry. And you know it's dire when I, a vegetarian, start using meat as a figure of speech.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh right... And away we go...

Speaking of Self-Congratulatory Award Ceremonies...
Carrie Underwood, nominated for Best Female Country Vocal Performance ("Before He Cheats") and Best Country Collaboration With Vocals ("Oh Love" with Brad Paisley), will perform at the Grammys on Sunday, February 10. Related Story: Curly McDimple Will Mute Her TV During the Country Portion of the Program.

That's MRS. Tits McPhee, Thank You Very Much
Katharine McPhee and her creepy old manfriend finally got hitched. Now, as longtime readers know, I had a scorching case of the McPheever back in the day. Despite that, I'm not at all broken up about her betrothal. Why? Well, for one, I have a life and secondly, she's kind of a twit. I'm over it. Mazel tov!

'Idol' Shines Spotlight on Rett Syndrome
Okay, even I cannot say anything snarky about this. Man, I didn't expect to have to be this polite until Idol Gives Back week. I don't like being sappy so early in the season. Let's remedy that, shall we?

Sanjaya Is a Dickhead
I really don't even have to elaborate on this, right? Okay, since you insist... The Season 6 also-ran and his whore of a sister, Shyamali, were caught taking whatever wasn't nailed down at Super Bowl swag suites while demanding photographers pay them to pose for pictures. You know who's a bigger dickhead? The asshole who actually coughs up. Oh, and Al Roker.

That is all.

San Diego Audition Recap

First of all, how cute were those old men at the beginning of the show? Good God, I wanted to set up a table and while away an afternoon playing bridge with them. And I don't even play bridge! That's how cute they were!

All in all, I found San Diego pretty underwhelming, but there were a couple of bright lights among the dim, or completely burned out, bulbs. Here's my take on this crop of Idol hopefuls.

Tetiana Ostapowych
I have to say, I agree with Simon's assessment that she's not as good as she thinks she is. You could see her face -- she's all, "I'm rocking this!" and while she was good, I also found it kind of boring and lacking in emotion. Technical prowess will only get you so far in this competition, and I think she's not going to be around past Hollywood Week. I did really want to like her, though, because I have a good friend with the same name, but when I rewinded the DVR to catch the spelling, I realized it's TETiana, not TATiana, so now I feel justified in my dislike.

Perrie Cataldo
Holy frickin' backstory, Batman! Mom was killed, he's a 27-year old single dad with the cutest kid EVER. I'm not sure if the kid's name is Evian, like the water, or Avian, like the bird flu, but seriously, this guy could have done a spoken word version of "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover," like my college friends Ryan and Marc used to do in a never-successful pick-up-way, and I'd still be rooting for his ass. On a related note, everything about the song, "I'll Make Love To You" gives me the willies.

Michael Johns
I dug him, both musically and in a naked shenanigans way.

The Bad: Marat Hayrapetyan, Christopher Mitchell, Tehilla Lauder. Not much to say about them aside from the fact that Simon's WTF?! faces were hilarious.

Valerie Reyes
There's a lesson that Valerie Reyes can teach all of us. If you are so delusional that you think you sound like any of the following people; Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston or Aretha Franklin, know this: You don't, and you probably never will. Unless you want to be an audition show reject, stay home and take up needlepoint. The whole "I swallowed as frog and then choked on it, and now it's slowly dying while lodged in the back of my throat" thing made me cringe.

Joseph and Juanita Mejia
Okay, so get this: A Mexican and a mime walk into a bar. The Mexican starts choking on a piece of Gardetto's snack mix, and the mime starts mimicking choking to get someone to help. The mime gets the Heimlich, the Mexican dies, and neither one of them makes it to Hollywood, because Simon hates gimmicks. The end.

Monique Gibson
Whitney Houston. Don't. Why doesn't anyone listen to me?!

Christopher Baker
NO WHITNEY GOES DOUBLE FOR BOYS. Someone call security and get rid of this guy! Oh, wait. These two remind me of a half-passed-out junkie couple I saw on the F-train once.

Samantha Musa
That girl's got SOUL, yo! Terrible taste in men, but a great voice.

Day Two: Wasn't that redheaded guy in the beginning from last year? Didn't I make fun of him and he turned out to be mentally challenged in some way?

Blake Boshnack
"Sometimes I don't know who it's a bigger dream for, my son or me." See: Lynn Spears, Dina Lohan, etc.

More Bad: Alexandria Ruiz, Sarah Long (The hell was she even trying to sing?), some fatties.

Alberto Hurtado
Okay, so when this guy is sitting in the field smelling the flower, all I can think of is the scene from Fear of a Black Hat, where they're spoofing PM Dawn with the song about bodily functions. Which makes me laugh, natch. The nails! OMG, the nails! Gross! And I've seen enough So You Think You Can Dance to know that Barbie is NOT doing the paso doble. The fan said "A Big American Idol Fan," by the way. Get it? Fan?

Still more bad: Aaron Garrett. Kinda cute, though.

David Archuleta
He did "Waiting for the World to Change" better than Sanjaya. Not saying much, really, but hey, if Kevin Covais got s hot, why not this guy?

Carly Smithson
I want to go out for pints of Guinness with her. Love. Her. So. Much. She's allowed to sing Whitney Houston. Her and her little tattooed husband are the cutest.

Top 24 predictions: Carly Smithson and Michael Johns.

The Finale: The Recap

In the immortal words of Barry Manilow... looks like we maaaaaaaaaade it! Finally! Sweet Jesus, this season took long enough to wrap up. It started out promising but it quickly descended into a steaming pile of poop and never quite recovered.

Speaking of a pile o' poop, let's discuss the two-hour finale, shall we?

The evening started out on a dubious note with Blake and Jordin performing a lifeless duet of "I Saw Her Standing There." Then Ryan introduced Gwen Stefani who was beamed in via satellite (although, it could have been pre-taped because the show is just that shady).

Gwen then warbled "4 In The Morning" while sporting a bunched-up frock that looked like it got stuck in her pantyhose when she visited the little girl's room. Not attractive.

Next up was the first in a series of painful Golden Idol Awards. Why? Why must we be tortured with this bullshit? Anyhoo, a yellow feather-clad Margaret Fowler took home the prize for "Best Presentation" and then proceeded to dry hump Ryan Seacrest in a most disturbing fashion...

Ew. I may never recover.

Then Smokey Robinson sang a couple of ditties with the Top 6 guys. I guess it sounded good. I can't say for sure because I was too busy scrutinizing Phil Stacey's suspect dance moves. Man, he sucks.

Up next, Blake and Doug E. Fresh engaged in a wee bit o' -- quelle surprise -- beatboxing...

Actually, if I'm being honest, I didn't think it was all that bad.

Then there was some other Golden Idol Award crap that I don't feel like discussing further.

Gladys Knight and Tony Bennett then swooped in (separately) and lent an air of class to the proceedings.

As Ryan introduced Tony Bennett, we got a glimpse of Constantine Maroulis who once again fucked the camera with his patented beady eyes/pursed lips combo. If that wasn't bad enough, the director cut to a shot of an applauding Justin Guarani who managed to look slimy even when appreciatively clapping for a legend such as Tony Bennett. Douche.

And then yet another unfunny Golden Idol Award where we witnessed Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth "Bush Baby" Briggs receving the "Best Buddies" trophy...

Because, apparently, these two easy targets weren't exploited enough during the auditions back in January, they had to be trotted out once again for a bit more ribbing in front of an audience of millions. It was bordering on cruel.

Up next was Melinda Doolittle singing about Jesus or turning on the lights or some such with CeCe and BeBe Winans. Then Jordin and Blake were informed by Ryan that they were each getting a Mustang courtesy of Ford. Blake then did a Borat impersonation that firmly cemented my hatred of him. Blake, not Borat. I adore Borat. I just hate young guys who impersonate him, you see. Ditto for people who do Pee Wee Herman impressions. I really hate people who do that.

And then we reached my favorite part of the whole show -- the African Children's Choir...

I adore these kids to no end. Look at their faces! Their energy and exuberance are completely infectious. I love them.

However, that good will was short-lived because a few minutes later, Sanjaya took the stage and once again desecrated "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. This time with the aid of Aerosmith's Joe Perry. What did Ray Davies ever do to you, Joe Perry?!! Shame on you!

And once again, Ashley Ferl, the infamous Crying Girl, was there and, as usual, she was in hysterics. Somebody medicate that kid. Now.

Adding insult to injury, Taylor Hicks then took the stage and tarded his way through "Heaven Knows" effectively draining what little joy and enthusiasm I had left in me. However, I did derive some pleasure by snapping this photo of Taylor where I captured him in full Stroke Mouth glory...

Up next Jordin Sparks and Ruben Studdard performed "You're All I Need to Get By." So wait a second... Blake gets to perform with an accomplished performer like Doug E. Fresh and Jordin has to settle for the least remarkable Idol winner ever? How is that fair? First, the producers make her sing a lame Donna Summer song last week and now this? Why do they hate her so? Why?

Then Bette Midler came out and sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" and I fast forwarded it because while I'm down with the Divine Miss M, I really don't ever need to hear that song ever again. Seriously, does anyone still have a real jones for this tune?

Oh wait, it turns out Jerry Springer does! So much so that he was moved to tears...

Dude, even The Hoff didn't cry this year. Pussy.

Then there was a tribute to The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" album. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It was just... random, for lack of a better word. I know they were celebrating the album's 40th anniversary but the lineup, transitions, etc. were just weird and kind of jarring, complete with Taylor pantomiming taking a bullet to the head during "A Day in the Life." Pity he was only "acting."

However, I will say that Kelly Clarkson did an admirable job with the titular song accompanied by Joe Perry who redeemed himself after his earlier Kinks infraction... I guess.

And then, finally, we reached the end of this exhausting marathon where we were rewarded with a proper and just outcome... uh, you know, considering our choices...

Ha ha! Suck on it, Blake.

That's it for now but don't start your blubbering just yet because we still have a few things to sort out. I'll have a Season 6 wrap-up in the days to come plus a final installment of The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram before we start winding things down for the season.

After that, feel free to bawl away.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 18

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy last week was 5.0 (out of a possible 10). Sorry for the delay. I have no excuse other than laziness. I make no bones about it. Anyhoo, for closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Admittedly, Paula wasn't all that batshit this past week. However, I'm tired of looking at the crying Paula face as well as the smiling, sane Paula face so I'm mixing it up a bit here in the interest of variety. Aren't I sweet and thoughtful?

Sadly, The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram will be drawing to a close. We'll slap Paula with one more sanity (or lack of) score and then pffft! Finito. As goes the season, so goes the Scattergram. However! I will follow up with report to let y'all know what Paula's overall Season 6 score. Aren't you just dying with anticipation?! I know you are.

Because I'm clairvoyant, I can tell you now that Sanjaya's average Level o' Suck for Season 6 will be a solid 10. Sorry, did I ruin the suspense for you?

Until next time, think nervous breakdown!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 17

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 9.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Not much to analyze this week. Between random countdowns and repeated assertions of Jessica Alba's hotness, we think Paula was hit one too many times with the crazy stick this week. Not that she was wrong about Jessica Alba being hot, mind you. No, quite the contrary. However, there's a time and a place for such remarks. You know, like atop a ladder perched near Jessica's window, far out of reach the angry Dobermans roaming the grounds of her estate. You know, so I've heard...

As for Sanjaya, the aftertaste of his suckiness still lingers and will continue to do so for the remainder of the season.

Until next time, think continued brain damage!

The Final Four: The Results

Y'all are two for two! Congrats on successfully guessing LaKisha's ouster in this week's poll. Any of you want to come with me to the track? Or the corner bodega to get me a Mega Millions ticket? I'll cut you in, I promise.

I still have a wicked cough but I popped a few Ricola and managed to suppress the full body heaving enough to snap a few pictures tonight. You're welcome, bitches.

So, on with the show...

After the usual blather, we were introduced to the judges (for those among us suffering from short-term memory loss, I suppose.) For reasons still unclear to me, Simon and Paula switched seats at the judging table. Paula tried to explain it but all I got out of it as "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" and "Jessica Alba, you're hot." Fuck what I said last night, the bitch is getting a 9 this week.

Anyhoo, since he was occupying her usual seat, Simon treated us to a dead-on imitation of Paula's seal clap. Behold!

And then, much to my surprise, and I'll admit, disappointment, Paula managed to make a funny with her accurate portrayal of Simon's creepy nipple rubbing...

During the recap of last night's performances, I made an important discovery: Melinda once again soaked the first few rows with some errant spit. How did I miss this on Tuesday?!

That's becoming an issue, Mindy Doo. You might want to hook up your audience with complimentary tarps from now on.

And then we were subject to some more painful padding to fill out the hour, including insipid, charmless man-on-the-street interviews and an extended promo of the upcoming Idols Live tour. I understand that the producers want to capitalize on the large audience to tout the concert series, however, who was the dumb ass who edited a promo containing quite possibly the worst performances ever? We saw Hayley murdering "True Colors," Gina butchering "Paint It Black" and, of course, Sanjaya's memorable mangling of "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. Um, do they want people to NOT show up?

Then Pink performed and it was awesome. I have no beef with Pink.

I cannot say the same for Barry Gibb and his gigantic dentures sorely in need of a filing down...

He finished up his song with a dramatic pose and facial expression that just screamed, "Rise, Lazarus! I command you to rise!"

I sat on my couch with a perplexed look on my face as the crowd showered Gibb with lengthy and loud applause. And Bill Maher! Bill Maher, of all people, seemed to really dig the theatrics, bad dentistry and all.

Really Bill Maher? You like "American Idol"? And... Barry Gibb? Seriously?

New Rule: Bill Maher cannot partake in such pussy dealings if he wants to maintain the inappropriately dirty crush I have on him. As it stands, that fantasy is kind of ruined.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 16

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 7.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Okay, so while there were no tears nor seal claps from Paula this week, she did show a promising return to retarded form. She was rocking that far-away look in her glassy eyes and the same smirk on her face that I get after I just smoked a doob. As such, our Cranky Quotient plummeted to a gloriously anemic 3. We would have been less cranky had there been more histrionics and some solid blubbering but hey, we'll take what we can get.

And yes, Sanjaya still sucks.

Until next time, think psychotic episode!

Friday News Update

Idol Gives Back a Buttload of Dough
30 million dollars, to be exact. And I'm not sure why Ryan Seacrest didn't mention it, but we here at American Midol have decided to match the funds raised! Pay up, Curly. Seriously, though, that’s awesome. (Gulf Times)

The King is Still Dead
I know – I really thought that was Elvis, too. The technical term for how they did that is rotoscoping. I thought it was some Star Wars hologram shit, but what do I know? (ABC News)

Simon Says, "Come Back To Me!"
Simon Cowell admitted to missing Sanjaya Malakar this week. And this, my friends, concludes my nonsexual love affair with Simon Cowell. (The Post Chronicle)

Pro-Lifers Poo-Poo on Everything
Pro-life groups are not happy with the charities "Idol Gives Back" has decided to donate money to, namely UNICEF and Save the Children, because they support abortion rights. They’ve even started a letter writing campaign. How very Christian of them. (Life News)

Momjaya: Pothead, Criminal
Sanjaya Malakar's mom was busted in 2005 for growing a whole bunch of pot plants. Sister Shyamali is apparently also a pothead, which would explain the naked guitar playing. Ah, how I miss my college days. (TMZ)

Paul Abdul, Unfugged!
The Fug girls say, "Well played!" I say, cute shoes, but I’m not loving the ruffle.

Phil Stacey is the Worst
With Sanjaya gone, Phil Stacey moves into the VFTW slot. Personally, I'd put Chris Richardson in there, despite his uber-adorableness (Chris, call me!), but I don't run the site.

And if you missed Sanjaya Malakar on Letterman this week, you missed all the, uh, fun, I guess.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 14

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Ding dong, Sanjaya is gone! However, his data line remains because, really, his level o' suck will remain consistently high, with or without a berth on the show. In other words, the green line is staying.

Maybe now that the dead weight is gone, Paula will have one of them there bona fide breakdowns when she becomes overcome by the talent of one of the remaining hopefuls. Aw, fuck it... who am I kidding? She's as bored of this batch of nobodies as we all are. I hate them all for making Paula Abdul, of all people, appear mentally competent. This is a sad season, indeed.

Until next time, think hairy conniption!

Monday News Update

So I kinda I blew off Friday's news update and I never bothered to update The Official Paula Scattergram. Yeah, I kinda suck. Anyhoo, the latter is coming soon and the former is... well, do you really care at this point? It's old by now. Move on.

Here are today's headlines:

It's Official: Phil Stacey Is the Worst
It took a website to tell us this? I've been saying this for weeks, bitches. (Vote for the Worst)

Sanjaya Delivers Tonight's Top 10 List on 'Letterman'
Nope, the shock of his meteoric rise/fall/newfound fame still hasn't worn off. I need more time. (Orlando Sentinel)

Sanjaya Did D.C.
Global warming, schmobal warming -- it was Karl Rove's impassioned defense and feverish voting for Sanjaya that set Sheryl Crow off. (People)

Ellen DeGeneres to Host 'Idol Gives Back'
Ellen promises to give Paula a run for her money what with all the rambling anecdotes, non-sequiturs and sporadic fits of dancing. At least it ain't Rosie. (CBS News)

Celine & Elvis to Perform Duet... Yes, I Said Celine & Elvis to Perform a Duet. I Shit You Not
It's far too creepy and sacrilegious for me to give it an ounce more thought so I won't. (TMZ)

Thursday News Recap: Special Sanjaya Edition

Hey guys! Did you hear the news? Sanjaya Malakar got sent home! I'm sure you didn't hear anything about that today, because like, the media is totally not covering every angle it can think of! This is huge, people! Anyway, without further ado:

Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy to See Sanjaya Go

Sanjaya on life after Idol

Sanjaya Thought it Was Awesome When Simon Told Him He Sucked

Britney Spears' Downward Spiral Now with More Sanjaya

Sanjaya Maxim's "Today's Girl," Maxim Offensive Douchebags

Vote For The Worst: The Search For The Next Sanjaya

Bye-Bya Sanjaya

Well it looks like America remembered that this was, in fact, a singing competition and finally voted off Sanjaya. He definitely should have been gone long ago but I have to give the kid credit for how he has handled himself throughout all of this. He is only seventeen and and has endured endless public scrutiny and has been the butt of many, many jokes. I could not IMAGINE dealing with that at seventeen. The good news is that there are many, many teenage star fuckers so you know he will be getting much ass.

I was really, really surprised that Blake was in the bottom three. Kiki, yes, as she has been slowly losing steam but it is hard to imagine that Phil Stacey made that much of a comeback from just one performance. And who exactly is voting for Chris? He must have the young chick vote or something. I think that both Chris and Blake have a gaggle of little girl fans but I think Chris probably has the upper hand there as he seems more accessible- kind of like digging the second cutest New Kid because EVERYONE loved Jordan and maybe Joey was probably tired of everyone making a big fuss about Jordan and wanted someone to think HE was the best and if I liked Joey the best then maybe he would give me a shot. Or something. Theoretically. That did not actually happen or anything. That scenario was strictly for argumentative purposes.

I am glad we are done with country music week. Don't get me wrong- I am a big fan of SOME country- I love the slidey twangy guitar and the songs about whiskey and horses and jail - but I really don't care for the contemporary country music that I sat through this week. Between that and the Gloria Estefan revival of last week I am really ready for some show tunes. Awesome. This post sucks.

Sayonara, Sanjaya

Normally when my predictions are this far off, I get a bit cranky but tonight, my friends, I'm happy to be wrong. I'm grateful to be wrong, even. Check this out:

Sanjaya's Last Ridiculous Hairdo



Sanjaya's Last Time in The Bottom Three



Sanjaya's Last Creepy Face



Sanjaya's Last G-Rated Camera Fuck



Sanjaya's Last Time Hugging It out with LaKisha

More coverage to come tomorrow when the shock has subsided here at American Midol headquarters. Until then, so long, goodbye, aufwiedersehen, adieu, Sanjaya. It's been real... annoying. Good riddance.

Sanjaya Malakar's Reign Explained!

By Numerology, that is. Also, this is a truly shameless plug, because I wrote it.

Sanjaya: What's in a Name? The Numerology of American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar on AOL Horoscopes

Part 7 Recap: The Sequel

My esteemed colleague, The Lovely Jess, already brought you her take on the evening's song stylings so I'm going to blow through tonight's lineup focusing less on the vocals and more on what is undeniably my strong suit: shallow snap judgments. As Randy would say, it's in my wheelhouse, dawg.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Where the Black Top Ends" by Keith Urban
Wow, I hate country music and well, this didn't suck. Phil's attire, however, did. Seriously, he needs to stop with the skinny jeans/oversized button-down shirt combo.

Oh, and again with the "I love you" sign language?! (Thanks for pointing that out, Bubbajane). So what, Phil is now courting the deaf vote? He should really leave that to Sanjaya, no?

Jordin Sparks
Performed "A Broken Wing" by Martina McBride
Wow, dude, that takes balls to sing a song by the mentor. That could have easily stooped to Blake-Sings-Marc-Anthony territory but girlfriend brought it home this week. That was not brown-nosing. That was bad ass. Although, the outfit? Was that from the Wonder Woman Evening Wear Collection? Jordin, I can't possibly continue to crush on you when you dress like this. Go see Jess about some image pointers NOW. Please and thank you.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt
Clearly Sanjaya was both competing in American Idol and simultaneously auditioning for membership in the Nashville Bloods with tonight's get-up:

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood
Notice that Kiki's titties were nowhere to be seen tonight. It's 'cause she was singing about Jesus, y'all. Understandable modesty. But really, What Would Jesus Say About Those Gold Lamé Boots? (WWJSATGLB)

Chris Richardson
Performed "Mayberry" by Rascal Flats
As cute as he is, Chris is getting hard to root for what with the flat notes, the bobbing and weaving dance moves (even during country week!) and his impassioned defense of nasally vocals. Still, he looked adorable and I don't mind keeping him around for some eye candy.

God, I really am the worst lesbian ever.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Trouble Is a Woman" by Julie Reeves
I have nothing to say that other than her usual masterful performance, Melinda looked fabulous and age appropriate tonight. Behold!

Blake Lewis
Performed "When the Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw
Whoa! I actually knew this song. Then again, my exposure to it is both through The Corrs and Ryan Adams, NOT Tim McGraw. But whatever, Blake didn't fuck it up with his usual "isms" as Paula called them and I can't shit on him this week. Let's see how long this stay of execution lasts.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Chris Richardson, LaKisha Jones and Phil Stacey
Going Home: Hmm... it could be Chris but I think Phil's reached his expiration date. In fact, he's been smelling for weeks but it's high time to ditch him.

Top 7 Recap

Well folks, we made it through country week. Martina McBride was kind of awesome. She gave them really good feedback, and she has very pretty eyes. Anyway, here's what I thought of the contestants. I'll add in song titles later when they get posted somewhere.

Phil Stacey
I agreed with the judges that Phil seemed in his element this week and finally showed a little personality. Homeboy's been all doom and gloom for weeks. I do maintain that Phil is the best male vocalist on the show, and I also maintain that it isn't really saying much. His lower register (Term #32 I learned on Idol) is still a little rough, but his big notes are awesome. Now if only he could stop being so fucking creepy.

Jordin Sparks
She was awesome. And I'm not going to gush about how SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN because the judges, especially Randy, can't stop gushing about the fact that SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. But damn, people. SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. (Cue Winger and give the mic to Curly)

Sanjaya Malakar
Sanjaya makes me wish I were Helen Keller, although I think even Helen Keller could have detected a whiff of suckage emanating from her television screen.

LaKisha Jones
I actually kind of liked Kiki rendition of "Jesus Takes the Wheel." I mean, I think the song is ridiculous, due partly to the fact that I'm a godless heathen, and partly to the fact that if you're in a car, barreling to your death, turning it over to Jesus is kind of a last resort, you know? There are things you should maybe give a try first. If I were Jesus I'd tell that bitch to stop being so fucking lazy and keep those hands on the wheel. But I thought LaKisha brought a lot of emotion to it, and I didn't think it was nearly as shouty as the judges did.

Chris Richardson
Oh, Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. Nasally is NOT a vocal style, it is a vocal shortcoming. And don't talk back to Simon. Just don't. It makes you look like an ass. An adorable ass, to be sure (Chris, call me!) but an ass nonetheless. Also, the singing was horrendous.

Melinda Doolittle
Mindy Doo looked hot! And she sounded great, and she brought energy and attitude and she's slowly losing the "aw shucks" thing, which is only going to win her more fans. I'll be voting for her multiple times as soon as I finish this recap

Blake Lewis
God help me – I actually liked that. Like, a lot. I'm not changing my stance on Blake. I still think he's smarmy and cocky and way full of himself. But I couldn't hate that, and believe me, I tried.

Overall, I didn't find it as painful as I usually find country week. It didn't blow me away, but it was bearable. What I did find painful, though, was the ill-timed, awkward mentions about the Virginia Tech shooting. I appreciate the sentiment, of course, as I'm sure everyone did, but it felt really forced and weird. Like, Ryan says something right before energetically kicking off the show? And Chris mentioning it right after Simon rips him apart? And the judges all mumble about it when they're supposed to be critiquing Blake's performance? I'm not heartless – I've gotten choked up several times watching and reading the news, and I find the whole thing devastating. I guess I just don't really feel like American Idol is the best platform for that kind of commentary.

Now, let me get back to what I do best – being a raging bitch. (See? Transition = awkward) Here's your news:

Sanjaya is a Fashion Plate
Fanjayas are flocking to H&M to pick up the white suit he wore two weeks ago. In other news, the Idol wardrobe budget is around $17.50.

More Idol Sex Tapes
Olivia Mojica? Who? We at American Midol are waiting until there's a scandal-free week and Sanjaya gets voted off to release our sex tapes – gotta keep traffic going somehow. I have an A.M. call with Vivid Entertainment. I'll keep you posted.

Carrie Underwood is a Winner
Okay, I take back what I said about Carrie's relationship to Jesus. Clearly he's on her side, as she picked up three more honors at the Country Music Awards. She better ask Jesus to build her an addition on the house so she has a place to put all those statues.

And now, predictions:
Bottom three: Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and (wishful thinking) Sanjaya Malakar.
Going home: Ciao, Phil.

Friday News Update

Hi, I'm Carson Daly and I'm a Massive Tool
Carson joins the voting for Sanjaya bandwagon citing the singer's different hairstyles as his main reason for doing so. I'll just leave it at that because really, I can't say anything snotty enough to make Carson look even worse. (People)

We'll Always Have Paris... To Hate On
My, my... it seems Ms. Bennett has quite the Jennifer Hudson-like resentful streak going on. Calling the show "a joke," among other things, the squeaky-voiced runt from Season 5 is throwing her support behind Sanjaya in an effort to ruin the show. You know, the very show that made her famous... Well, as famous as Paris Bennett can possibly be. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell: This Season Blows
'Nuff said. (Reality TV World)

Behind the Scenes with the 'Idols' and Entertainment Weekly
This week's EW is devoted to the show we love to hate. Check out this five-minute (ish) video to get some insight into the Idol personalities from the man who interviewed them: Dave Karger. Again, no further snot from me because, unlike Carson Daly, I actually dig Dave Karger. I find his writing and Today show appearances to be delightful.

And yes, I'm hoping he Googles himself and drops us an email. Hi Dave! (EW)

Bucky's CD Hits Stores
Personally, I don't give a rat's ass but I know the mention would make Jess and Mejack happy and I'm nothing if not a shameless ass kisser... except when it comes to Bucky. And Paris. And Taylor Hicks. And Chris Daughtry. And Paula Abdul. And Ernest Borgnine. (Elites TV)

Thursday News Update

J. Lo: That Was Harsh, Yo
It seems Jennifer Lopez didn't think Simon's critique of Haley Scarnato's ever-shrinking wardrobe was very nice. Of course, this is also coming from a woman whose less-than-modest wardrobe choices revolutionized the use of double-sided tape. Hit a nerve, Jenny? (People)

TMZ Goes Inside 'Idol'
The venerable gossip site scored some tickets to this week's show and filed a report on what happened on-camera and off. Why should you care? Two words: Donna Mills. (TMZ)

Season 2 Sex Tape Scandal!
Season Two contestant Olivia Mojica and her boyfriend recorded some of their hot monkey sex and the tape is making the rounds. The only shocking and/or noteworthy thing about this? I have no recollection whatsoever of Olivia. None. However, people will no doubt Google her and I'm a whore for search term traffic so into the news update she goes. Welcome, horny Googlers! (TMZ)

The Truth about Haley's Gams
The long-legged purveyor of suck would like us to believe that her spectacular legs benefit from a bit of the old Max Factor magic. Oh shut up, Haley. Your legs are your one true talent. Embrace 'em and flaunt 'em 'cause your singing sure as hell ain't getting you anywhere. MEE-ow! (EW)

Sanjaya's Sweet Lord
Did you know that Sanjaya's family are former Hare Krishnas? You know, come to think of it, I thought I saw him rocking a tambourine in an airport once. Oh, and he was also poor or some shit like that. Read on. (The Post Chronicle)

Holy Rollers Rejoice that a Dirty Heathen Got the Heave-ho
Hallelujah and praise be! Haley has rejoined Satan in the Ninth Circle of Hell while the Bible Thumpers, Phil Stacy and Jordin Sparks, survived another week. Praise Jesus and pass the collection plate for their prayers have been answered. It's good to know the Son of God is focusing on what really matters. (The Christian Post)

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Weeks 12 & 13

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 3.0 (out of a possible 10). Last week, she was a 7.0 (primarily for the Sanjaya/Frank Sinatra comparison) but I was too lazy to post about it. You'll live. For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Haley's ouster was long overdue and not at all shocking and since Paula wasn't too keen on her anyway, there was no real catalyst for a certified crying jag. In fact, there were no discernible outbursts or flashes of crazy this week at all. Man, this season sucks. However, Paula's eyes were quit slit-like and her speech had a slower cadence, which to me, suggests medication of the sedative variety. Actually, come to think of it, she looked a lot like I did after I was doped up on hydrocodone after getting a few teeth yanked some years back. Mmm... Vicodin.

Until next time, think chemical imbalance!

Top 8: The Recap

Welcome to Latin Week, or as I like to call it: The Tribute to Santana and Gloria Estefan. Apparently, judging by this week's song selections, the only exposure this crop of contestants had to so-called Latin music was at the dentist's office or in elevators.

Oh and I totally take back what I said about J.Lo yesterday because she was actually a thoughtful and helpful mentor. I'm big enough to admit when I've been a beaver. Just don't any of you jump on the bandwagon 'cause I'll cut a bitch. I so will. Seriously, don't try me.

Okay, enough with the idle threats and on with the show...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Sway"
As always, I thought Melinda did a fine job with this. Yes, she lacked a smoldering passion but there's only so much heat one can exude when completely devoid of a neck.

Also, I didn't dig Simon jumping all over her tonight. I thought it had less to do with the quality of her performance and more to do with the fact that he wanted to finally rag on her after all this time. Not nice, Simon. Not nice. Point that vitriol at Blake. Boyfriend needs to be taken down a notch or twelve.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Conga" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
OMG, I hated this. Then again, I hate the Gloria Estefan version of this song so LaKisha was up shit's creek from the get-go. Even Paula pooped on it in that way that only Paula can, "First, you look lovely..." and then she went to repeat various iterations of the phrase "safe performance" more times than I can remember. Translation: You sucked balls, Kiki.

Oh, and again with trotting out the gigantic titties! Check these out:

I guess LaKisha figures if bare legs are keeping Haley around, she might as well flaunt her congas, er, I mean cans. I mean breasts. Yes, breasts.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Smooth" by Santana
Oh man, Chris, why'd you have to go and ruin it for me? I was loving you so much and then you had to drag Rob Thomas into it. That's unforgivable and you deserve to be punished. Go see Jess for a spanking.

Haley Scarnato
Performed "Turn the Beat Around" by Gloria Estefan
She sucked, yadda, yadda, yadda. I can't keep coming up with new ways to say this so I won't even try. Instead, here's the requisite hoochie mama shot of Haley and her legs for all you dirty Googlers:

Phil Stacey
Performed "Maria, Maria" by Santana
J.Lo said Phil gave her goose pimples. Not to be outdone, I want you all to know that Creepy Phil makes me shit my pants at least once a week.

Also, Phil doesn't know how to count. His assigned number this week was "5" and lookie how many digits he's holding up during his "appeal."

Good, more votes for Chris Richardson, even though he broke my heart with his Matchbox 20 association.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
Yet another song I detest. But I do find it promising that Jordin, when asked by a viewer what theme she'd pick for an upcoming show, stated 80s music as her choice. With the exception of Gloria Estefan and that ilk, I adore the 80s music. I think it's a sign.

Jordin, I'll spin you right 'round like a record, baby, round round. I'll stop the world and melt with you. I want you to want me. When a problem comes around, we must whip it. We got the beat and, uh, I've got Bette Davis eyes. Actually, I don't but it sounded good and oh, fuck it. I'm drunk. I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Need to Know" by Marc Anthony
The minute he announced his song choice I yelled, "Ass kisser!" Way to brownie up to the mentor, Blake.

Much to my chagrin, Randy and Simon called it a great song choice and best of the night. Paula stated that the performance "captured the essence of who you are." To which I yelled, "Yeah, a tremendous douche bag copycat!"

I was doing a lot of yelling at the screen tonight. Again, I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Besame Mucho"
Is it just me or did Sanjaya look just like El DeBarge tonight?

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... LaKisha Jones are in the Bottom Three. Phil, pack your coffin and go.

Friday News Update

Is Ryan Seacrest's Future in Unattractive Eyewear?
According to Larry King, it could very well be. The creepy late-night host with a propensity for proving his virility with young trophy wives thinks Ryan Seacrest, of all people, is his suitable replacement when he retires. Seriously, Larry King? Oh wait… on second thought, if ridiculous overcompensation is the main prerequisite for landing the gig then well yes, Ryan is the heir apparent. (FishbowlLA)

Sanjaya Malakar: A Pundit's Perspective
Eugene Robinson, a top political correspondent from The Washington Post, weighs in on the Sanjaya issue. Glad to know that with the whole war in Iraq, upcoming presidential election and general brink of doom the word is teetering on, The Washington Post retains its perspective.

Jordin Scores a Touchdown with the NFL
Wow, I think I just took the crown for the most pat, unoriginal news headline ever. Go me! Rah rah sis boom bah and all that other shit. (People)

People Tend to Think Sanjaya Sucks, Blah Blah Blah
Concerned that Vote for the Worst is having an adverse effect on this season's results, VoteAgainstTheWorst.com was launched in an effort to restore "integrity" to the program. Um, have you actually seen those Ford commercials we're saddled with each week, Vote Against the Worst? Still going with the integrity thing, are ya? (TMZ)

Carrie Underwood Feels Icky Around Boys
Have you considered girls, Carrie? Namely me. I'll respect you in the morning, I swear. No really I will. And I won't blog about it. It will just be our secret. I couldn't be more serious. I mean it. Call me. I love you. (People)

Thursday News Update

Gina Glockson loved My Girl 2, is Mexican
The booted Idol contestant (and yes, I'm still pissed) talks about her last night. She also reveals that all contestants who don't make it are required to see a therapist before they leave. (EW)

India says "Sanjaya who?"
To all of you racists who were buying into that theory that Indian call centers were keeping Sanjaya Malakar on the show, it's sadly not true. So if it's not Indian call centers, and it's not Howard Stern and Vote for the Worst, then I guess it really is dumb Americans. Oh, and my boyfriend. I'm still working out a suitable revenge tactic for that one. (Belleville News-Democrat)

You Write the Songs
So the songwriting competition is finally underway. I think I'm going to write one – I mean, sure, I'm tone deaf and can't play any instruments, but I still think I can do better than "Do I Make You Proud?"

Top Nine or Something.

In my life I have had no choice but to love Tony Bennett. Not only was he a nice Italian boy from Queens but in the minds of my elders (my Brooklyn Italian grandmother and her sixteen thousand sisters) he is regarded nearly as highly as Sinatra- who, in their minds, ranked second only to The Pope in terms of reverence and devotion. I grew up listening to Tony Bennett as well as many of the masters of American standards. I am not ashamed to admit that I absolutely love this type of music. I listen to the 40's station on XM radio ad nauseum and I proudly list Judy Garland and Ethel Merman among my friends on myspace. Needless to say, I was looking forward to seeing "Ant'ny"(as Grandma used to call him. She called them all by their full names. Francis Sinatra. You get it) I was, however, nervous to see how this group of clowns did with these songs- and after watching I can see that my fears were fully justified. Seriously I am so not into this seasons contestants. Not at all. So here it is.