Friday News Update

There are now officially two business days, and four real days until the Idol premiere. Can you handle it? Is the suspense killing you? Here's a little news snack to keep you from starving for all things Idol.

Seacrest Digs Chicks
TMZ has not one, but TWO photos of Ryan Seacrest spending time with actual girls. One's a Playmate, and one's in a bikini. Now, I'm not going to say that doesn't mean anything and steal TMZ's thunder, but Seacrest and I took a couple of beach photos once, and as soon as the photo was taken, he was all "Ew, ew. Get me out of here." That could have just been me, though, as I hadn't showered or shaved in like a week. Also, Seacrest is only 34? Really? I thought he was much older than me.

Kara DioGuardi Sure To Be Annoying
Idol's newest member is apparently not just going to tell contestants how to sing better -- she's going to show them. By singing. Though not necessarily a bad thing -- and god knows it would be a treat to have someone with actual singing talent judging a singing competition and yes, I left you out intentionally, Paula Abdul and yes, Simon, it IS a singing competition -- I do sort of hope it's awkward and bad, because it will give me something to talk about.

Carrie Underwood Gets Around
Miss Underwood has landed herself another athlete -- Ottawa Senators' Mike Fisher. For those of you who are all, "Who?" I'm talking about hockey. Apparently they're keeping it low profile. Personally, I still can't understand how she could have let Chace Crawford go. If I were dating him, and he tried to break up with me, I'd chain him up in the basement and check on him every 15 minutes, sigh, and say, "You're so pretty!"

Guess Who's Back? Back Again
Nope, it's not Slim Shady. It's Sanjaya Malakar, who is releasing an album and a memoir, both entitled Dancing to the Music in My Head. That about sums it up, I think.

Monday News Update

Are you ready for some headlines? No? Well, fuck you then. I'm delivering them anyway. Bite me.

Curly McDimple Is a Big Fat Liar
Okay, so this isn't news, nor a legitimate "Idol" headline but it's sadly true. In my sporadic posts this season, I have regaled you with promises of follow-up posts with more details, photos, etc. and I have yet to make good on any it. I blow.

Word to the wise: Don't fulfill a New Year's obligation to revamp your apartment in January and February when those are historically the busiest months of the year at your day job. No, I'm not an accountant. Fuck math! I deal with dopey celebs, yo. Don't they know it's prime "Idol" season? Can't they slap each other on the backs in a neverending series of self-congratulatory award ceremonies in, like, July or whatever? Selfish!!

I do apologize for my absence though. And now on to the meat and potatoes... Wait, or is it bread and butter? Or neither? Does any of this make sense? All I know is I'm still at work and really hungry. And you know it's dire when I, a vegetarian, start using meat as a figure of speech.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh right... And away we go...

Speaking of Self-Congratulatory Award Ceremonies...
Carrie Underwood, nominated for Best Female Country Vocal Performance ("Before He Cheats") and Best Country Collaboration With Vocals ("Oh Love" with Brad Paisley), will perform at the Grammys on Sunday, February 10. Related Story: Curly McDimple Will Mute Her TV During the Country Portion of the Program.

That's MRS. Tits McPhee, Thank You Very Much
Katharine McPhee and her creepy old manfriend finally got hitched. Now, as longtime readers know, I had a scorching case of the McPheever back in the day. Despite that, I'm not at all broken up about her betrothal. Why? Well, for one, I have a life and secondly, she's kind of a twit. I'm over it. Mazel tov!

'Idol' Shines Spotlight on Rett Syndrome
Okay, even I cannot say anything snarky about this. Man, I didn't expect to have to be this polite until Idol Gives Back week. I don't like being sappy so early in the season. Let's remedy that, shall we?

Sanjaya Is a Dickhead
I really don't even have to elaborate on this, right? Okay, since you insist... The Season 6 also-ran and his whore of a sister, Shyamali, were caught taking whatever wasn't nailed down at Super Bowl swag suites while demanding photographers pay them to pose for pictures. You know who's a bigger dickhead? The asshole who actually coughs up. Oh, and Al Roker.

That is all.

San Diego Audition Recap

First of all, how cute were those old men at the beginning of the show? Good God, I wanted to set up a table and while away an afternoon playing bridge with them. And I don't even play bridge! That's how cute they were!

All in all, I found San Diego pretty underwhelming, but there were a couple of bright lights among the dim, or completely burned out, bulbs. Here's my take on this crop of Idol hopefuls.

Tetiana Ostapowych
I have to say, I agree with Simon's assessment that she's not as good as she thinks she is. You could see her face -- she's all, "I'm rocking this!" and while she was good, I also found it kind of boring and lacking in emotion. Technical prowess will only get you so far in this competition, and I think she's not going to be around past Hollywood Week. I did really want to like her, though, because I have a good friend with the same name, but when I rewinded the DVR to catch the spelling, I realized it's TETiana, not TATiana, so now I feel justified in my dislike.

Perrie Cataldo
Holy frickin' backstory, Batman! Mom was killed, he's a 27-year old single dad with the cutest kid EVER. I'm not sure if the kid's name is Evian, like the water, or Avian, like the bird flu, but seriously, this guy could have done a spoken word version of "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover," like my college friends Ryan and Marc used to do in a never-successful pick-up-way, and I'd still be rooting for his ass. On a related note, everything about the song, "I'll Make Love To You" gives me the willies.

Michael Johns
I dug him, both musically and in a naked shenanigans way.

The Bad: Marat Hayrapetyan, Christopher Mitchell, Tehilla Lauder. Not much to say about them aside from the fact that Simon's WTF?! faces were hilarious.

Valerie Reyes
There's a lesson that Valerie Reyes can teach all of us. If you are so delusional that you think you sound like any of the following people; Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston or Aretha Franklin, know this: You don't, and you probably never will. Unless you want to be an audition show reject, stay home and take up needlepoint. The whole "I swallowed as frog and then choked on it, and now it's slowly dying while lodged in the back of my throat" thing made me cringe.

Joseph and Juanita Mejia
Okay, so get this: A Mexican and a mime walk into a bar. The Mexican starts choking on a piece of Gardetto's snack mix, and the mime starts mimicking choking to get someone to help. The mime gets the Heimlich, the Mexican dies, and neither one of them makes it to Hollywood, because Simon hates gimmicks. The end.

Monique Gibson
Whitney Houston. Don't. Why doesn't anyone listen to me?!

Christopher Baker
NO WHITNEY GOES DOUBLE FOR BOYS. Someone call security and get rid of this guy! Oh, wait. These two remind me of a half-passed-out junkie couple I saw on the F-train once.

Samantha Musa
That girl's got SOUL, yo! Terrible taste in men, but a great voice.

Day Two: Wasn't that redheaded guy in the beginning from last year? Didn't I make fun of him and he turned out to be mentally challenged in some way?

Blake Boshnack
"Sometimes I don't know who it's a bigger dream for, my son or me." See: Lynn Spears, Dina Lohan, etc.

More Bad: Alexandria Ruiz, Sarah Long (The hell was she even trying to sing?), some fatties.

Alberto Hurtado
Okay, so when this guy is sitting in the field smelling the flower, all I can think of is the scene from Fear of a Black Hat, where they're spoofing PM Dawn with the song about bodily functions. Which makes me laugh, natch. The nails! OMG, the nails! Gross! And I've seen enough So You Think You Can Dance to know that Barbie is NOT doing the paso doble. The fan said "A Big American Idol Fan," by the way. Get it? Fan?

Still more bad: Aaron Garrett. Kinda cute, though.

David Archuleta
He did "Waiting for the World to Change" better than Sanjaya. Not saying much, really, but hey, if Kevin Covais got s hot, why not this guy?

Carly Smithson
I want to go out for pints of Guinness with her. Love. Her. So. Much. She's allowed to sing Whitney Houston. Her and her little tattooed husband are the cutest.

Top 24 predictions: Carly Smithson and Michael Johns.

The Finale: The Recap

In the immortal words of Barry Manilow... looks like we maaaaaaaaaade it! Finally! Sweet Jesus, this season took long enough to wrap up. It started out promising but it quickly descended into a steaming pile of poop and never quite recovered.

Speaking of a pile o' poop, let's discuss the two-hour finale, shall we?

The evening started out on a dubious note with Blake and Jordin performing a lifeless duet of "I Saw Her Standing There." Then Ryan introduced Gwen Stefani who was beamed in via satellite (although, it could have been pre-taped because the show is just that shady).

Gwen then warbled "4 In The Morning" while sporting a bunched-up frock that looked like it got stuck in her pantyhose when she visited the little girl's room. Not attractive.

Next up was the first in a series of painful Golden Idol Awards. Why? Why must we be tortured with this bullshit? Anyhoo, a yellow feather-clad Margaret Fowler took home the prize for "Best Presentation" and then proceeded to dry hump Ryan Seacrest in a most disturbing fashion...

Ew. I may never recover.

Then Smokey Robinson sang a couple of ditties with the Top 6 guys. I guess it sounded good. I can't say for sure because I was too busy scrutinizing Phil Stacey's suspect dance moves. Man, he sucks.

Up next, Blake and Doug E. Fresh engaged in a wee bit o' -- quelle surprise -- beatboxing...

Actually, if I'm being honest, I didn't think it was all that bad.

Then there was some other Golden Idol Award crap that I don't feel like discussing further.

Gladys Knight and Tony Bennett then swooped in (separately) and lent an air of class to the proceedings.

As Ryan introduced Tony Bennett, we got a glimpse of Constantine Maroulis who once again fucked the camera with his patented beady eyes/pursed lips combo. If that wasn't bad enough, the director cut to a shot of an applauding Justin Guarani who managed to look slimy even when appreciatively clapping for a legend such as Tony Bennett. Douche.

And then yet another unfunny Golden Idol Award where we witnessed Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth "Bush Baby" Briggs receving the "Best Buddies" trophy...

Because, apparently, these two easy targets weren't exploited enough during the auditions back in January, they had to be trotted out once again for a bit more ribbing in front of an audience of millions. It was bordering on cruel.

Up next was Melinda Doolittle singing about Jesus or turning on the lights or some such with CeCe and BeBe Winans. Then Jordin and Blake were informed by Ryan that they were each getting a Mustang courtesy of Ford. Blake then did a Borat impersonation that firmly cemented my hatred of him. Blake, not Borat. I adore Borat. I just hate young guys who impersonate him, you see. Ditto for people who do Pee Wee Herman impressions. I really hate people who do that.

And then we reached my favorite part of the whole show -- the African Children's Choir...

I adore these kids to no end. Look at their faces! Their energy and exuberance are completely infectious. I love them.

However, that good will was short-lived because a few minutes later, Sanjaya took the stage and once again desecrated "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. This time with the aid of Aerosmith's Joe Perry. What did Ray Davies ever do to you, Joe Perry?!! Shame on you!

And once again, Ashley Ferl, the infamous Crying Girl, was there and, as usual, she was in hysterics. Somebody medicate that kid. Now.

Adding insult to injury, Taylor Hicks then took the stage and tarded his way through "Heaven Knows" effectively draining what little joy and enthusiasm I had left in me. However, I did derive some pleasure by snapping this photo of Taylor where I captured him in full Stroke Mouth glory...

Up next Jordin Sparks and Ruben Studdard performed "You're All I Need to Get By." So wait a second... Blake gets to perform with an accomplished performer like Doug E. Fresh and Jordin has to settle for the least remarkable Idol winner ever? How is that fair? First, the producers make her sing a lame Donna Summer song last week and now this? Why do they hate her so? Why?

Then Bette Midler came out and sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" and I fast forwarded it because while I'm down with the Divine Miss M, I really don't ever need to hear that song ever again. Seriously, does anyone still have a real jones for this tune?

Oh wait, it turns out Jerry Springer does! So much so that he was moved to tears...

Dude, even The Hoff didn't cry this year. Pussy.

Then there was a tribute to The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" album. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It was just... random, for lack of a better word. I know they were celebrating the album's 40th anniversary but the lineup, transitions, etc. were just weird and kind of jarring, complete with Taylor pantomiming taking a bullet to the head during "A Day in the Life." Pity he was only "acting."

However, I will say that Kelly Clarkson did an admirable job with the titular song accompanied by Joe Perry who redeemed himself after his earlier Kinks infraction... I guess.

And then, finally, we reached the end of this exhausting marathon where we were rewarded with a proper and just outcome... uh, you know, considering our choices...

Ha ha! Suck on it, Blake.

That's it for now but don't start your blubbering just yet because we still have a few things to sort out. I'll have a Season 6 wrap-up in the days to come plus a final installment of The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram before we start winding things down for the season.

After that, feel free to bawl away.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 18

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy last week was 5.0 (out of a possible 10). Sorry for the delay. I have no excuse other than laziness. I make no bones about it. Anyhoo, for closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Admittedly, Paula wasn't all that batshit this past week. However, I'm tired of looking at the crying Paula face as well as the smiling, sane Paula face so I'm mixing it up a bit here in the interest of variety. Aren't I sweet and thoughtful?

Sadly, The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram will be drawing to a close. We'll slap Paula with one more sanity (or lack of) score and then pffft! Finito. As goes the season, so goes the Scattergram. However! I will follow up with report to let y'all know what Paula's overall Season 6 score. Aren't you just dying with anticipation?! I know you are.

Because I'm clairvoyant, I can tell you now that Sanjaya's average Level o' Suck for Season 6 will be a solid 10. Sorry, did I ruin the suspense for you?

Until next time, think nervous breakdown!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 17

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 9.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Not much to analyze this week. Between random countdowns and repeated assertions of Jessica Alba's hotness, we think Paula was hit one too many times with the crazy stick this week. Not that she was wrong about Jessica Alba being hot, mind you. No, quite the contrary. However, there's a time and a place for such remarks. You know, like atop a ladder perched near Jessica's window, far out of reach the angry Dobermans roaming the grounds of her estate. You know, so I've heard...

As for Sanjaya, the aftertaste of his suckiness still lingers and will continue to do so for the remainder of the season.

Until next time, think continued brain damage!

The Final Four: The Results

Y'all are two for two! Congrats on successfully guessing LaKisha's ouster in this week's poll. Any of you want to come with me to the track? Or the corner bodega to get me a Mega Millions ticket? I'll cut you in, I promise.

I still have a wicked cough but I popped a few Ricola and managed to suppress the full body heaving enough to snap a few pictures tonight. You're welcome, bitches.

So, on with the show...

After the usual blather, we were introduced to the judges (for those among us suffering from short-term memory loss, I suppose.) For reasons still unclear to me, Simon and Paula switched seats at the judging table. Paula tried to explain it but all I got out of it as "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" and "Jessica Alba, you're hot." Fuck what I said last night, the bitch is getting a 9 this week.

Anyhoo, since he was occupying her usual seat, Simon treated us to a dead-on imitation of Paula's seal clap. Behold!

And then, much to my surprise, and I'll admit, disappointment, Paula managed to make a funny with her accurate portrayal of Simon's creepy nipple rubbing...

During the recap of last night's performances, I made an important discovery: Melinda once again soaked the first few rows with some errant spit. How did I miss this on Tuesday?!

That's becoming an issue, Mindy Doo. You might want to hook up your audience with complimentary tarps from now on.

And then we were subject to some more painful padding to fill out the hour, including insipid, charmless man-on-the-street interviews and an extended promo of the upcoming Idols Live tour. I understand that the producers want to capitalize on the large audience to tout the concert series, however, who was the dumb ass who edited a promo containing quite possibly the worst performances ever? We saw Hayley murdering "True Colors," Gina butchering "Paint It Black" and, of course, Sanjaya's memorable mangling of "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. Um, do they want people to NOT show up?

Then Pink performed and it was awesome. I have no beef with Pink.

I cannot say the same for Barry Gibb and his gigantic dentures sorely in need of a filing down...

He finished up his song with a dramatic pose and facial expression that just screamed, "Rise, Lazarus! I command you to rise!"

I sat on my couch with a perplexed look on my face as the crowd showered Gibb with lengthy and loud applause. And Bill Maher! Bill Maher, of all people, seemed to really dig the theatrics, bad dentistry and all.

Really Bill Maher? You like "American Idol"? And... Barry Gibb? Seriously?

New Rule: Bill Maher cannot partake in such pussy dealings if he wants to maintain the inappropriately dirty crush I have on him. As it stands, that fantasy is kind of ruined.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 16

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 7.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Okay, so while there were no tears nor seal claps from Paula this week, she did show a promising return to retarded form. She was rocking that far-away look in her glassy eyes and the same smirk on her face that I get after I just smoked a doob. As such, our Cranky Quotient plummeted to a gloriously anemic 3. We would have been less cranky had there been more histrionics and some solid blubbering but hey, we'll take what we can get.

And yes, Sanjaya still sucks.

Until next time, think psychotic episode!

Friday News Update

Idol Gives Back a Buttload of Dough
30 million dollars, to be exact. And I'm not sure why Ryan Seacrest didn't mention it, but we here at American Midol have decided to match the funds raised! Pay up, Curly. Seriously, though, that’s awesome. (Gulf Times)

The King is Still Dead
I know – I really thought that was Elvis, too. The technical term for how they did that is rotoscoping. I thought it was some Star Wars hologram shit, but what do I know? (ABC News)

Simon Says, "Come Back To Me!"
Simon Cowell admitted to missing Sanjaya Malakar this week. And this, my friends, concludes my nonsexual love affair with Simon Cowell. (The Post Chronicle)

Pro-Lifers Poo-Poo on Everything
Pro-life groups are not happy with the charities "Idol Gives Back" has decided to donate money to, namely UNICEF and Save the Children, because they support abortion rights. They’ve even started a letter writing campaign. How very Christian of them. (Life News)

Momjaya: Pothead, Criminal
Sanjaya Malakar's mom was busted in 2005 for growing a whole bunch of pot plants. Sister Shyamali is apparently also a pothead, which would explain the naked guitar playing. Ah, how I miss my college days. (TMZ)

Paul Abdul, Unfugged!
The Fug girls say, "Well played!" I say, cute shoes, but I’m not loving the ruffle.

Phil Stacey is the Worst
With Sanjaya gone, Phil Stacey moves into the VFTW slot. Personally, I'd put Chris Richardson in there, despite his uber-adorableness (Chris, call me!), but I don't run the site.

And if you missed Sanjaya Malakar on Letterman this week, you missed all the, uh, fun, I guess.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 14

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Ding dong, Sanjaya is gone! However, his data line remains because, really, his level o' suck will remain consistently high, with or without a berth on the show. In other words, the green line is staying.

Maybe now that the dead weight is gone, Paula will have one of them there bona fide breakdowns when she becomes overcome by the talent of one of the remaining hopefuls. Aw, fuck it... who am I kidding? She's as bored of this batch of nobodies as we all are. I hate them all for making Paula Abdul, of all people, appear mentally competent. This is a sad season, indeed.

Until next time, think hairy conniption!

Monday News Update

So I kinda I blew off Friday's news update and I never bothered to update The Official Paula Scattergram. Yeah, I kinda suck. Anyhoo, the latter is coming soon and the former is... well, do you really care at this point? It's old by now. Move on.

Here are today's headlines:

It's Official: Phil Stacey Is the Worst
It took a website to tell us this? I've been saying this for weeks, bitches. (Vote for the Worst)

Sanjaya Delivers Tonight's Top 10 List on 'Letterman'
Nope, the shock of his meteoric rise/fall/newfound fame still hasn't worn off. I need more time. (Orlando Sentinel)

Sanjaya Did D.C.
Global warming, schmobal warming -- it was Karl Rove's impassioned defense and feverish voting for Sanjaya that set Sheryl Crow off. (People)

Ellen DeGeneres to Host 'Idol Gives Back'
Ellen promises to give Paula a run for her money what with all the rambling anecdotes, non-sequiturs and sporadic fits of dancing. At least it ain't Rosie. (CBS News)

Celine & Elvis to Perform Duet... Yes, I Said Celine & Elvis to Perform a Duet. I Shit You Not
It's far too creepy and sacrilegious for me to give it an ounce more thought so I won't. (TMZ)

Thursday News Recap: Special Sanjaya Edition

Hey guys! Did you hear the news? Sanjaya Malakar got sent home! I'm sure you didn't hear anything about that today, because like, the media is totally not covering every angle it can think of! This is huge, people! Anyway, without further ado:

Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy to See Sanjaya Go

Sanjaya on life after Idol

Sanjaya Thought it Was Awesome When Simon Told Him He Sucked

Britney Spears' Downward Spiral Now with More Sanjaya

Sanjaya Maxim's "Today's Girl," Maxim Offensive Douchebags

Vote For The Worst: The Search For The Next Sanjaya

Bye-Bya Sanjaya

Well it looks like America remembered that this was, in fact, a singing competition and finally voted off Sanjaya. He definitely should have been gone long ago but I have to give the kid credit for how he has handled himself throughout all of this. He is only seventeen and and has endured endless public scrutiny and has been the butt of many, many jokes. I could not IMAGINE dealing with that at seventeen. The good news is that there are many, many teenage star fuckers so you know he will be getting much ass.

I was really, really surprised that Blake was in the bottom three. Kiki, yes, as she has been slowly losing steam but it is hard to imagine that Phil Stacey made that much of a comeback from just one performance. And who exactly is voting for Chris? He must have the young chick vote or something. I think that both Chris and Blake have a gaggle of little girl fans but I think Chris probably has the upper hand there as he seems more accessible- kind of like digging the second cutest New Kid because EVERYONE loved Jordan and maybe Joey was probably tired of everyone making a big fuss about Jordan and wanted someone to think HE was the best and if I liked Joey the best then maybe he would give me a shot. Or something. Theoretically. That did not actually happen or anything. That scenario was strictly for argumentative purposes.

I am glad we are done with country music week. Don't get me wrong- I am a big fan of SOME country- I love the slidey twangy guitar and the songs about whiskey and horses and jail - but I really don't care for the contemporary country music that I sat through this week. Between that and the Gloria Estefan revival of last week I am really ready for some show tunes. Awesome. This post sucks.

Sayonara, Sanjaya

Normally when my predictions are this far off, I get a bit cranky but tonight, my friends, I'm happy to be wrong. I'm grateful to be wrong, even. Check this out:

Sanjaya's Last Ridiculous Hairdo



Sanjaya's Last Time in The Bottom Three



Sanjaya's Last Creepy Face



Sanjaya's Last G-Rated Camera Fuck



Sanjaya's Last Time Hugging It out with LaKisha

More coverage to come tomorrow when the shock has subsided here at American Midol headquarters. Until then, so long, goodbye, aufwiedersehen, adieu, Sanjaya. It's been real... annoying. Good riddance.

Sanjaya Malakar's Reign Explained!

By Numerology, that is. Also, this is a truly shameless plug, because I wrote it.

Sanjaya: What's in a Name? The Numerology of American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar on AOL Horoscopes

Part 7 Recap: The Sequel

My esteemed colleague, The Lovely Jess, already brought you her take on the evening's song stylings so I'm going to blow through tonight's lineup focusing less on the vocals and more on what is undeniably my strong suit: shallow snap judgments. As Randy would say, it's in my wheelhouse, dawg.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Where the Black Top Ends" by Keith Urban
Wow, I hate country music and well, this didn't suck. Phil's attire, however, did. Seriously, he needs to stop with the skinny jeans/oversized button-down shirt combo.

Oh, and again with the "I love you" sign language?! (Thanks for pointing that out, Bubbajane). So what, Phil is now courting the deaf vote? He should really leave that to Sanjaya, no?

Jordin Sparks
Performed "A Broken Wing" by Martina McBride
Wow, dude, that takes balls to sing a song by the mentor. That could have easily stooped to Blake-Sings-Marc-Anthony territory but girlfriend brought it home this week. That was not brown-nosing. That was bad ass. Although, the outfit? Was that from the Wonder Woman Evening Wear Collection? Jordin, I can't possibly continue to crush on you when you dress like this. Go see Jess about some image pointers NOW. Please and thank you.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt
Clearly Sanjaya was both competing in American Idol and simultaneously auditioning for membership in the Nashville Bloods with tonight's get-up:

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood
Notice that Kiki's titties were nowhere to be seen tonight. It's 'cause she was singing about Jesus, y'all. Understandable modesty. But really, What Would Jesus Say About Those Gold Lamé Boots? (WWJSATGLB)

Chris Richardson
Performed "Mayberry" by Rascal Flats
As cute as he is, Chris is getting hard to root for what with the flat notes, the bobbing and weaving dance moves (even during country week!) and his impassioned defense of nasally vocals. Still, he looked adorable and I don't mind keeping him around for some eye candy.

God, I really am the worst lesbian ever.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Trouble Is a Woman" by Julie Reeves
I have nothing to say that other than her usual masterful performance, Melinda looked fabulous and age appropriate tonight. Behold!

Blake Lewis
Performed "When the Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw
Whoa! I actually knew this song. Then again, my exposure to it is both through The Corrs and Ryan Adams, NOT Tim McGraw. But whatever, Blake didn't fuck it up with his usual "isms" as Paula called them and I can't shit on him this week. Let's see how long this stay of execution lasts.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Chris Richardson, LaKisha Jones and Phil Stacey
Going Home: Hmm... it could be Chris but I think Phil's reached his expiration date. In fact, he's been smelling for weeks but it's high time to ditch him.

Top 7 Recap

Well folks, we made it through country week. Martina McBride was kind of awesome. She gave them really good feedback, and she has very pretty eyes. Anyway, here's what I thought of the contestants. I'll add in song titles later when they get posted somewhere.

Phil Stacey
I agreed with the judges that Phil seemed in his element this week and finally showed a little personality. Homeboy's been all doom and gloom for weeks. I do maintain that Phil is the best male vocalist on the show, and I also maintain that it isn't really saying much. His lower register (Term #32 I learned on Idol) is still a little rough, but his big notes are awesome. Now if only he could stop being so fucking creepy.

Jordin Sparks
She was awesome. And I'm not going to gush about how SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN because the judges, especially Randy, can't stop gushing about the fact that SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. But damn, people. SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. (Cue Winger and give the mic to Curly)

Sanjaya Malakar
Sanjaya makes me wish I were Helen Keller, although I think even Helen Keller could have detected a whiff of suckage emanating from her television screen.

LaKisha Jones
I actually kind of liked Kiki rendition of "Jesus Takes the Wheel." I mean, I think the song is ridiculous, due partly to the fact that I'm a godless heathen, and partly to the fact that if you're in a car, barreling to your death, turning it over to Jesus is kind of a last resort, you know? There are things you should maybe give a try first. If I were Jesus I'd tell that bitch to stop being so fucking lazy and keep those hands on the wheel. But I thought LaKisha brought a lot of emotion to it, and I didn't think it was nearly as shouty as the judges did.

Chris Richardson
Oh, Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. Nasally is NOT a vocal style, it is a vocal shortcoming. And don't talk back to Simon. Just don't. It makes you look like an ass. An adorable ass, to be sure (Chris, call me!) but an ass nonetheless. Also, the singing was horrendous.

Melinda Doolittle
Mindy Doo looked hot! And she sounded great, and she brought energy and attitude and she's slowly losing the "aw shucks" thing, which is only going to win her more fans. I'll be voting for her multiple times as soon as I finish this recap

Blake Lewis
God help me – I actually liked that. Like, a lot. I'm not changing my stance on Blake. I still think he's smarmy and cocky and way full of himself. But I couldn't hate that, and believe me, I tried.

Overall, I didn't find it as painful as I usually find country week. It didn't blow me away, but it was bearable. What I did find painful, though, was the ill-timed, awkward mentions about the Virginia Tech shooting. I appreciate the sentiment, of course, as I'm sure everyone did, but it felt really forced and weird. Like, Ryan says something right before energetically kicking off the show? And Chris mentioning it right after Simon rips him apart? And the judges all mumble about it when they're supposed to be critiquing Blake's performance? I'm not heartless – I've gotten choked up several times watching and reading the news, and I find the whole thing devastating. I guess I just don't really feel like American Idol is the best platform for that kind of commentary.

Now, let me get back to what I do best – being a raging bitch. (See? Transition = awkward) Here's your news:

Sanjaya is a Fashion Plate
Fanjayas are flocking to H&M to pick up the white suit he wore two weeks ago. In other news, the Idol wardrobe budget is around $17.50.

More Idol Sex Tapes
Olivia Mojica? Who? We at American Midol are waiting until there's a scandal-free week and Sanjaya gets voted off to release our sex tapes – gotta keep traffic going somehow. I have an A.M. call with Vivid Entertainment. I'll keep you posted.

Carrie Underwood is a Winner
Okay, I take back what I said about Carrie's relationship to Jesus. Clearly he's on her side, as she picked up three more honors at the Country Music Awards. She better ask Jesus to build her an addition on the house so she has a place to put all those statues.

And now, predictions:
Bottom three: Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and (wishful thinking) Sanjaya Malakar.
Going home: Ciao, Phil.

Friday News Update

Hi, I'm Carson Daly and I'm a Massive Tool
Carson joins the voting for Sanjaya bandwagon citing the singer's different hairstyles as his main reason for doing so. I'll just leave it at that because really, I can't say anything snotty enough to make Carson look even worse. (People)

We'll Always Have Paris... To Hate On
My, my... it seems Ms. Bennett has quite the Jennifer Hudson-like resentful streak going on. Calling the show "a joke," among other things, the squeaky-voiced runt from Season 5 is throwing her support behind Sanjaya in an effort to ruin the show. You know, the very show that made her famous... Well, as famous as Paris Bennett can possibly be. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell: This Season Blows
'Nuff said. (Reality TV World)

Behind the Scenes with the 'Idols' and Entertainment Weekly
This week's EW is devoted to the show we love to hate. Check out this five-minute (ish) video to get some insight into the Idol personalities from the man who interviewed them: Dave Karger. Again, no further snot from me because, unlike Carson Daly, I actually dig Dave Karger. I find his writing and Today show appearances to be delightful.

And yes, I'm hoping he Googles himself and drops us an email. Hi Dave! (EW)

Bucky's CD Hits Stores
Personally, I don't give a rat's ass but I know the mention would make Jess and Mejack happy and I'm nothing if not a shameless ass kisser... except when it comes to Bucky. And Paris. And Taylor Hicks. And Chris Daughtry. And Paula Abdul. And Ernest Borgnine. (Elites TV)

Thursday News Update

J. Lo: That Was Harsh, Yo
It seems Jennifer Lopez didn't think Simon's critique of Haley Scarnato's ever-shrinking wardrobe was very nice. Of course, this is also coming from a woman whose less-than-modest wardrobe choices revolutionized the use of double-sided tape. Hit a nerve, Jenny? (People)

TMZ Goes Inside 'Idol'
The venerable gossip site scored some tickets to this week's show and filed a report on what happened on-camera and off. Why should you care? Two words: Donna Mills. (TMZ)

Season 2 Sex Tape Scandal!
Season Two contestant Olivia Mojica and her boyfriend recorded some of their hot monkey sex and the tape is making the rounds. The only shocking and/or noteworthy thing about this? I have no recollection whatsoever of Olivia. None. However, people will no doubt Google her and I'm a whore for search term traffic so into the news update she goes. Welcome, horny Googlers! (TMZ)

The Truth about Haley's Gams
The long-legged purveyor of suck would like us to believe that her spectacular legs benefit from a bit of the old Max Factor magic. Oh shut up, Haley. Your legs are your one true talent. Embrace 'em and flaunt 'em 'cause your singing sure as hell ain't getting you anywhere. MEE-ow! (EW)

Sanjaya's Sweet Lord
Did you know that Sanjaya's family are former Hare Krishnas? You know, come to think of it, I thought I saw him rocking a tambourine in an airport once. Oh, and he was also poor or some shit like that. Read on. (The Post Chronicle)

Holy Rollers Rejoice that a Dirty Heathen Got the Heave-ho
Hallelujah and praise be! Haley has rejoined Satan in the Ninth Circle of Hell while the Bible Thumpers, Phil Stacy and Jordin Sparks, survived another week. Praise Jesus and pass the collection plate for their prayers have been answered. It's good to know the Son of God is focusing on what really matters. (The Christian Post)

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Weeks 12 & 13

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 3.0 (out of a possible 10). Last week, she was a 7.0 (primarily for the Sanjaya/Frank Sinatra comparison) but I was too lazy to post about it. You'll live. For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Haley's ouster was long overdue and not at all shocking and since Paula wasn't too keen on her anyway, there was no real catalyst for a certified crying jag. In fact, there were no discernible outbursts or flashes of crazy this week at all. Man, this season sucks. However, Paula's eyes were quit slit-like and her speech had a slower cadence, which to me, suggests medication of the sedative variety. Actually, come to think of it, she looked a lot like I did after I was doped up on hydrocodone after getting a few teeth yanked some years back. Mmm... Vicodin.

Until next time, think chemical imbalance!

Top 8: The Recap

Welcome to Latin Week, or as I like to call it: The Tribute to Santana and Gloria Estefan. Apparently, judging by this week's song selections, the only exposure this crop of contestants had to so-called Latin music was at the dentist's office or in elevators.

Oh and I totally take back what I said about J.Lo yesterday because she was actually a thoughtful and helpful mentor. I'm big enough to admit when I've been a beaver. Just don't any of you jump on the bandwagon 'cause I'll cut a bitch. I so will. Seriously, don't try me.

Okay, enough with the idle threats and on with the show...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Sway"
As always, I thought Melinda did a fine job with this. Yes, she lacked a smoldering passion but there's only so much heat one can exude when completely devoid of a neck.

Also, I didn't dig Simon jumping all over her tonight. I thought it had less to do with the quality of her performance and more to do with the fact that he wanted to finally rag on her after all this time. Not nice, Simon. Not nice. Point that vitriol at Blake. Boyfriend needs to be taken down a notch or twelve.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Conga" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
OMG, I hated this. Then again, I hate the Gloria Estefan version of this song so LaKisha was up shit's creek from the get-go. Even Paula pooped on it in that way that only Paula can, "First, you look lovely..." and then she went to repeat various iterations of the phrase "safe performance" more times than I can remember. Translation: You sucked balls, Kiki.

Oh, and again with trotting out the gigantic titties! Check these out:

I guess LaKisha figures if bare legs are keeping Haley around, she might as well flaunt her congas, er, I mean cans. I mean breasts. Yes, breasts.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Smooth" by Santana
Oh man, Chris, why'd you have to go and ruin it for me? I was loving you so much and then you had to drag Rob Thomas into it. That's unforgivable and you deserve to be punished. Go see Jess for a spanking.

Haley Scarnato
Performed "Turn the Beat Around" by Gloria Estefan
She sucked, yadda, yadda, yadda. I can't keep coming up with new ways to say this so I won't even try. Instead, here's the requisite hoochie mama shot of Haley and her legs for all you dirty Googlers:

Phil Stacey
Performed "Maria, Maria" by Santana
J.Lo said Phil gave her goose pimples. Not to be outdone, I want you all to know that Creepy Phil makes me shit my pants at least once a week.

Also, Phil doesn't know how to count. His assigned number this week was "5" and lookie how many digits he's holding up during his "appeal."

Good, more votes for Chris Richardson, even though he broke my heart with his Matchbox 20 association.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
Yet another song I detest. But I do find it promising that Jordin, when asked by a viewer what theme she'd pick for an upcoming show, stated 80s music as her choice. With the exception of Gloria Estefan and that ilk, I adore the 80s music. I think it's a sign.

Jordin, I'll spin you right 'round like a record, baby, round round. I'll stop the world and melt with you. I want you to want me. When a problem comes around, we must whip it. We got the beat and, uh, I've got Bette Davis eyes. Actually, I don't but it sounded good and oh, fuck it. I'm drunk. I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Need to Know" by Marc Anthony
The minute he announced his song choice I yelled, "Ass kisser!" Way to brownie up to the mentor, Blake.

Much to my chagrin, Randy and Simon called it a great song choice and best of the night. Paula stated that the performance "captured the essence of who you are." To which I yelled, "Yeah, a tremendous douche bag copycat!"

I was doing a lot of yelling at the screen tonight. Again, I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Besame Mucho"
Is it just me or did Sanjaya look just like El DeBarge tonight?

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... LaKisha Jones are in the Bottom Three. Phil, pack your coffin and go.

Friday News Update

Is Ryan Seacrest's Future in Unattractive Eyewear?
According to Larry King, it could very well be. The creepy late-night host with a propensity for proving his virility with young trophy wives thinks Ryan Seacrest, of all people, is his suitable replacement when he retires. Seriously, Larry King? Oh wait… on second thought, if ridiculous overcompensation is the main prerequisite for landing the gig then well yes, Ryan is the heir apparent. (FishbowlLA)

Sanjaya Malakar: A Pundit's Perspective
Eugene Robinson, a top political correspondent from The Washington Post, weighs in on the Sanjaya issue. Glad to know that with the whole war in Iraq, upcoming presidential election and general brink of doom the word is teetering on, The Washington Post retains its perspective.

Jordin Scores a Touchdown with the NFL
Wow, I think I just took the crown for the most pat, unoriginal news headline ever. Go me! Rah rah sis boom bah and all that other shit. (People)

People Tend to Think Sanjaya Sucks, Blah Blah Blah
Concerned that Vote for the Worst is having an adverse effect on this season's results, VoteAgainstTheWorst.com was launched in an effort to restore "integrity" to the program. Um, have you actually seen those Ford commercials we're saddled with each week, Vote Against the Worst? Still going with the integrity thing, are ya? (TMZ)

Carrie Underwood Feels Icky Around Boys
Have you considered girls, Carrie? Namely me. I'll respect you in the morning, I swear. No really I will. And I won't blog about it. It will just be our secret. I couldn't be more serious. I mean it. Call me. I love you. (People)

Thursday News Update

Gina Glockson loved My Girl 2, is Mexican
The booted Idol contestant (and yes, I'm still pissed) talks about her last night. She also reveals that all contestants who don't make it are required to see a therapist before they leave. (EW)

India says "Sanjaya who?"
To all of you racists who were buying into that theory that Indian call centers were keeping Sanjaya Malakar on the show, it's sadly not true. So if it's not Indian call centers, and it's not Howard Stern and Vote for the Worst, then I guess it really is dumb Americans. Oh, and my boyfriend. I'm still working out a suitable revenge tactic for that one. (Belleville News-Democrat)

You Write the Songs
So the songwriting competition is finally underway. I think I'm going to write one – I mean, sure, I'm tone deaf and can't play any instruments, but I still think I can do better than "Do I Make You Proud?"

Top Nine or Something.

In my life I have had no choice but to love Tony Bennett. Not only was he a nice Italian boy from Queens but in the minds of my elders (my Brooklyn Italian grandmother and her sixteen thousand sisters) he is regarded nearly as highly as Sinatra- who, in their minds, ranked second only to The Pope in terms of reverence and devotion. I grew up listening to Tony Bennett as well as many of the masters of American standards. I am not ashamed to admit that I absolutely love this type of music. I listen to the 40's station on XM radio ad nauseum and I proudly list Judy Garland and Ethel Merman among my friends on myspace. Needless to say, I was looking forward to seeing "Ant'ny"(as Grandma used to call him. She called them all by their full names. Francis Sinatra. You get it) I was, however, nervous to see how this group of clowns did with these songs- and after watching I can see that my fears were fully justified. Seriously I am so not into this seasons contestants. Not at all. So here it is.

Blake: Now, Mack The Knife is one of my all time favorite songs. Ever. I think it was pretty bold of Blake to choose this song as it has been covered by every one of the greats. I think he did alright but I was honestly disappointed that he did not do any kind of beatboxing because it would have been interesting to see how it played out. All in all he was alright and I don't see him leaving anytime soon. Oh- and Blake -Ducky Dale just called to challenge you to a plaid pants-off. Seriously. Find some new threads Daddy-o.

Phil: Dude. A goatee. Headband. Earmuffs. ANYTHING. Something to break the monotony of that shiny ball of flesh that is perched atop your neck.

Melinda: Super. Great. She wins. We know.

Chris: I still say that his whole thing is trying (operative word trying) to bite Justin Timberlake...even down to the hat...but he did alright last night. I actually surprised myself by mustering a bit of affection for the lad- then I stabbed myself in the arm with nail scissors.

Jordin: I hate that song. I don't know if she did it well or not because I can't stand that song. I am sure she did fine though.

Gina: While watching her all I could think of was a line from Chris Rock's "No Sex In The Champagne Room" where he said where he said: "If a girl has a pierced tongue - she'll probably suck your dick". I usually don't think of that when I see a tongue ring- as many of my peepys have them, but between the tongue ring and her nearly flashing her hooha on national television in front of millions, I am worried about the example being set for the youth of our nation. That, people, is why I think she should be voted off. It has nothing to do with that I fucking hate her and think she sounds like an 8th grader singing at a junior high talent show. It is for the welfare of our children that I implore America to vote that cunt off the show. Thank you.

Sanjaya: pass

Haley: I can't think of anything to say except that in my lifetime, I hope to never again see mint green sequins.

Lakisha: I echo Jess' sentiment that I hope she mixes it up soon. She is undoubtedly a very, very good singer but it is starting to seem monotonous.

Predictions: Bottom three- Phil, Haley and Chris. Going bye-bye? I think Haley's time has come.

mejack OUT!

Top 9: The Recap (And Poll)

Crikey that was dull. Here's your recap, and don't forget to take the poll.

Blake Lewis: 'Mack the Knife'
I don't know this song, so I can't say what kind of justice Blake did this, but it nearly put me to sleep. I think Blake might actually be in a little of trouble this week, because they tell me Chris Richardson, who is vastly cuter than Blake, did a great job and I think they share a demographic in terms of who votes for them. More on Chris later.

Phil Stacey: 'Night and Day'
Oh, Phil. Phil. I love your voice, and I love this song, and I was expecting magic. I was not expecting wanting to kill myself because the world is such a cold, hard place afterward. Please, Phil, if you last another week, pick a better song.

Melinda Doolittle: 'I've Got Rhythm'
I hate this song. HATE IT. But Mindy Doo pulled it off, as always. I really, really want to see her step outside of her comfort zone at some point, though, because I know she can pull it off and it might differentiate her from Kiki, which she really needs to do, stat.

Chris Richardson: 'Don't Get Around Much Anymore'
Another song I don't know. As y'all know, I think Chris is adorable and it pains me to say this, but I just don't think he's a very good singer. And I don't get why the judges lavish so much praise on him. He can perform, sure, but the voice? It's just not there for me, dawg.

Jordin Sparks: 'On a Clear Day'
She rocked this. I'll let Curly do the gushing on this one. That said, I think she needs a longer length in the jacket. That outfit made her hips look ginormous, and they aren't.

Gina Glocksen: 'Smile'
I wish Gina had showed a little more emotion with this. I mean, the girl's usually a big pile of tears and feelings. What happened? I hope she makes it through, though, and rocks it next week like she did last week. Also, quoth the boyfriend, who watched with me, "I don't know if she should be sitting like that in that dress." She was dangerously close to flashing us some girly bits. Speaking of girly bits… Oh wait, no. Sanjaya's next, not Hayley.

Sanjaya Malakar: 'Cheek to Cheek'
I mean, really, what is there to say about that? Bad vocals, bad hair, great comment by Simon (Let's try a different tactic: That was incredible), bad response by Sanjaya (Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya!). On the bright side, he's clearly in on the joke, and that's kind of funny.

Haley Scarnato: 'Ain't Misbehavin'
Dear Haley: When you decide that your winning strategy is to change your look from white wine spritzers out on the lanai to woman of ill-repute, you can't get all bajiggity when all the comments you get are, "Green's a good color for you" (Paula) and "You've got great legs" (Simon). You are begging everyone to check out your body -- you should be thankful to Paula and Simon for pointing it out for the partially blind people that missed your cleavage and hemline.

Lakisha Jones: 'Stormy Weather'
I guess this was good, but I'm getting a little bored of LaKisha. Like Melinda, I want to see her do something different. I want to know what she's capable of. Mix it up a little, Kiki.

My predictions: Phil, Haley and Blake (or Gina) in the bottom 3. Going home: Phil. Home to a beating that his wife has been waiting to give him ever since he missed the birth of their child to audition. Now, kindly share your thoughts:

Who's Going Home?
	Blake Lewis
	Phil Stacey
	Melinda Doolittle
	Chris Richardson
	Jordin Sparks
	Gina Glocksen
	Sanjaya Malakar
	Haley Scarnato
	LaKisha Jones
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Tuesday News Update

Chris Sligh Rockin' Out for Jesus
While the jury is still out on whether Chris Sligh did or did not, in fact, bring chubby back, being on Idol has increased the popularity of his Christian rock band Half Past Forever. Next stop for the guys -- getting signed to a Christian rock label. Also, Phil Stacey is a Christian artist, which I somehow missed when I did my first roundup of Jesus-lovin' folk. (Christian Post)

Hate the Blog, Not the Blogger
Speaking of Chris Sligh, here's his blog. The show shut down said blog after Hollywood week, and forbade any of the contestants from blogging about their experiences. Personally, I think that's dumb. Since not everyone gets equal screen time, especially if someone else has naked pictures all over the Internet, letting people read what you have to say would allow them to get to know you. Just my two cents. (MTV)

Ken Warwick to Howard Stern: Suck it!
Actually, Executive Producer Ken Warwick didn't say that at all. What he did say, is that with 37 million votes each week, the shock jock isn't having a huge impact on results. Which means America is doing this, which means I weep for my country. (ET Online)

Sanjaya's Murder Plot Foiled
"J," the MySpacer who has been on a hunger strike until Sanjaya gets voted off, got hungry and ate something after her doctor told her she was being a crazy bitch and to knock it off. (TMZ)

And this isn't news, per se, but the Fug Girls have a hilarious post about one Ms. Paula Abdul in a truly baffling outfit.

Monday News Update

Ryan Seacrest Taps Jordin Sparks
To win, people... TO WIN. (People)

Speaking of Ryan's Homosexuality...
Dude, when you utter the phrase "deep tissue massage" in the same sentence as "Simon Cowell," it doesn't exactly do much in the whole dispelling rumors department. (Daily News)

We're Not Alone in our Annoyance
It seems Sanjaya's fellow contestants are none too pleased with his indestructibility. You might even say they're pissed. My guess is that it's Haley Scarnato leading the backstage backlash because Sanjaya's stealing her sucky thunder. She's actually the worst, dammit, and she wants y'all to recognize. (TMZ)

The Creepy 'Idol' Bandleader: Unmasked
Everything you wanted to know about Rickey Minor! Actually, I'm not sure anyone cares but I was in desperate need of non-Sanjaya-related filler. (CNN)

Elliott Sets a Record
Surprisingly, it wasn't in a fucked-up teeth contest. Congrats, Elliott! (Post Chronicle)

Tony Bennett Sings with Idols This Week
Here's hoping he didn't leave his hearing aid in San Francisco too.(Starpulse News Blog)

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 11... Now with More Sanjaya!

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.5 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Paula actually had her shit together this week. Her behavior is becoming as predictable and boring as American Idol itself. I blame the contestants, both for boring the shit out of us and keeping Paula sharp. She has no one to root for this season. Last year, Elliott's manky teeth captured Paula's heart and she championed the little troll all the way into the final three, blubbering and bawling the whole way. LaKisha has a somewhat busted grill but she's not nearly as lovable as Elliott. Melinda has no neck but then again, that's not really all that endearing a malady. It would appear that we're screwed.

Since Paula's instability has taken a backseat to Sanjaya's unlikely popularity this season, we've decided to track his performance each with a Level o' Suck (depicted in green above). Actually, we took the liberty of slapping him with a 10 for the remainder of the season because, let's face it, he's not exactly going to improve. While his hairdos may change from week to week, his shitty brand of whispery suck remains consistently awful.

But there's still a small shred of hope for Paula. Maybe she'll lose her shit because of Sanjaya's staying power. Or maybe LaKisha's boring and predictable song choices will make her fly off the handle. Or perhaps Blake will spray it, not say it during one of his beatbox routines and some saliva will land in her big red Coke cup and will send her into a rage unlike anything we've ever seen before. Hell, if someone cut my vodka with spit, I'd start kicking people in the teeth right quick.

Fingers crossed that Paula is similarly prone to gross overreactions!

Friday News Update

Chris Sligh is a Quitter
Chris Sligh tells Access Hollywood he was going to quit Idol two weeks before he got the boot. His reason for staying? Money. Specifically the money he's going to earn on the summer tour, which he wouldn't have gotten to go on had he quit the show. That doesn't sound very Christian. Also, the article goes on to say that he was kicked out of the Christian fundamentalist Bob Jones University for attending a "contemporary Christian concert featuring the group 4Him." If anyone can explain that one to me, I'm all ears.

Shyamali Malakar has Boobs
This isn't news, per se, but if you want to see Sanjaya's big sister in a low-cut top bouncing around, well, this is the link for you.

Idol Hopefuls Have Secrets
People got the sixth season finalists to spill the beans about relationships, body images and who they're most excited to be mentored by this season. Blake Lewis talks about how he needs to get laid. No really. He does.

More Idol Conspiracy Theories
I don't remember this happening, but apparently last week Chris Sligh said, "Hi Dave" at the end of his performance. The Dave in question? David Della Terza, founder of Vote for the Worst. Now, some people with a lot of time on their hands are claiming that Sligh wasn't in fact sent home because the American public didn't vote for him, but that it was a behind-the-scenes producer takedown. Yeah, it couldn't have been because he totally sucked or anything.

Chris Sligh Hearts Sanjaya
After getting voted off the show, Chris Sligh said Sanjaya's faux hawk was "killer" and that the public underestimates his talent. Also, Chris Sligh bet Phil Stacey 50 bucks that he was going home, and Phil paid up.

AOL Also Hearts Sanjaya
And they want to give you all the reasons why, complete with a slideshow. It's pretty amusing, actually.

Also, I'd just like to say that I've sort of reversed my stance on Sanjaya Malakar. I'm not going to vote for him, of course, but I feel like he embraced the "I suck" thing this week and decided to be the next William Hung, and I sort of dig him for that. Also, the show's really fucking boring this season, and this controversy is at least shaking things up a little.

One More Reason to Love Andy Samberg

There isn't going to be an actual news update today, because it's a slow news day, and I'm sure no one cares that Ace Young is performing at a rose bowl parade in some small town somewhere. Which he is. All the 'Idol' news is about how Chris Sligh got voted off and Sanjaya Malakar remains, much to my chagrin and yours. However, current SNL-er, and if I have anything to say about it, future husband Andy Samberg took on the mop-topped crooner this past weekend, and it was quite hilarious. Not dick-in-a-box hilarious, but I giggled. Here it is:

Top 10 Recap II: Electric Boogaloo

Even though Jess already brought you all a killer recap and we agree on many, many points (two huge ones in particular, both belonging to LaKisha), there are a few issues on which we part ways. Without further ado, here's my take on the proceedings:

Wow, is it just me or is Gwen Stefani a bit of a social retard when she's not on stage singing and thrashing about in ridiculous outfits most of us with good vision and a shred of self-respect wouldn't be caught dead in?

Perhaps she was the victim of editing but in her interactions with the Top 10, Gwen didn't seem all that warm nor engaged with the contestants. Lulu was totally eating that shit up last week and she sent the girls on their way with sound advice and a shot of confidence whereas Gwen showed little-to-no interest in shepherding them. Maybe Gwen was just bummed that the finalists weren't Japanese and she couldn't exploit their culture and dress them in slutty Catholic school uniforms.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Last Dance" by Donna Summer
That was good but not all that compelling. LaKisha's proven herself as a powerhouse vocalist but her performance was sort of mechanical and devoid of emotion. The most memorable thing about LaKisha tonight? THOSE BREASTS. LaKisha ain't really my type but oooh lawdy, I wouldn't mind setting up play date with those girls.

Chris Sligh
Performed "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police
Chris is really starting to get under my skin. When he stands before the judges, he has a tendency to be too agreeable when they criticize him. I know I took him to task for the Teletubbies crack in the early rounds, but really, I prefer the smart-ass Chris over the current version any day.

Now he just nods and agrees with everything the judges say in between making excuses and explaining his choices. He also occasionally affects a look that says, "Look at me absorbing and pondering what the judges are saying." And good God, he even scratches his chin sometimes! I know he's trying to be the good guy but it's kind of gross, actually. Bring back the old Chris. Now.

Gina Glocksen
Performed "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders
Gina done good. Even though I've pissed on her quite a bit this season, I will give credit where credit is due. Was it a showstopper of Carrie-Underwood-Singing-"Alone" proportions? Well, no, but Gina turned in a memorable performance just the same.

The judges all went gaga over Gina and even crotchety Simon lavished her with praise. "Your transformation from three or four weeks ago to tonight is literally chalk and cheese," Cowell stated.

Because Randy is a barely functional retard with a vocabulary limited to about twelve words and phrases, he couldn't wrap his compromised brain around Simon's phrase so he sat there squawking and belaboring an unfunny exchange with Ryan Seacrest about pairing wine with cheese, not chalk, or some stupid shit like that.

While it's not an expression I've ever uttered, I did the rather rudimentary math and figured it out. It's a pretty quick conversion if you have, say, one functioning brain cell. Randy's just a dumb ass. However, if you're similarly stumped, click here to figure out what Simon meant.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Bath Water" by No Doubt
Not even wasting my time with a critique of that bullshit. Instead, let's once again focus on the hair, which I no longer want to brush, FYI...

Haley Scarnato
Performed "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper
What the hell did she do to this song? Why'd she have go and cheese it up beyond recognition? Oh right, because she sucks. Haley (and her annoyingly loud friends in the audience who insisted on yelling over the judges) are done.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Every Breath You Take" by The Police
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to break with my usual style and present my response to Phil's performance in a real time/Kerouac-like/stream-of-consciousness/punctuation-eschewing format:

Oh my God, creepy Phil is being asked a viewer question which means more camera time for him and more rocking in the fetal position for me and oh my God he's singing the creepiest stalker song ever, that freak, Jesus, I can't believe he chose this song... oh, but wait, wait a minute... say, this isn't so bad, actually and his voice is quite nice and ooh he's actually following the lone piece of useful advice Gwen dished out tonight and he's simply sticking to the melody without getting all yelly and screamy and nope, this doesn't suck one bit.

And, exhale! See how I went from truly terrified to all nice and complimentary? Miracles do happen, kids!

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Heaven Knows" by Melinda Doolittle
At this point, it's a given that Melinda's going to kick the song's ass so let's just go ahead and slap her with another "Awesome!" and move on to her outfit. Simon hated it. I wouldn't go that far but I did take note of it in my big yellow legal pad when Melinda took the stage. "I don't think that's the proper silhouette for her frame," I observed.

I learned that term by watching "Project Runway" and I felt all fancy using it. Ditto for "flavor profiles," which I learned courtesy of "Top Chef," although, admittedly, I didn't take any notes last night about Melinda's flavor profiles because, well, we're looking at and listening to Melinda, not eating her. And other than "Tastes like chicken," I'm not really sure what else I could possibly say about a human's flavor profiles.

Wait, what was my point again?

Blake Lewis
Performed "Love Song" by The Cure
Okay, while they may Jess's number two band, The Cure is most definitely at the top of my list so I may get a bit feisty in the next couple of paragraphs. When Seacrest announced at the beginning of the show that a contestant was tackling a Cure song, I knew right away that it would be Blake. And I knew that mofo was going to pick "Love Song" and I knew he was going to give it the 311 treatment. I'm tired of him getting credit for being fresh and original. He's not! Fuck Paula! Girlfriend earned a high Level o' Crazy number from me tonight merely because she gushed over the "originality" of this shit. It was NOT original. Don't credit Blake for the arrangement. He merely copied what's already been done, somewhat poorly by 311.

This is the same bullshit praise heaped on Taylor last season when he aped Michael McDonald's song stylings and Joe Cocker's spaz-outs and was lauded as "unique" and "original." Last time I checked, that shit was called celebrity impersonation, not originality. If this keeps up, I'm withdrawing my votes for all the current contestants and throwing my support behind Rich Little.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Hey Baby" by No Doubt
It's a pleasure to watch Jordin, and not just because I think she's cute. She's having fun. And like Simon said, she's getting more confident as the weeks go by. However, she's not surrendering any of her humility or charm as a result. I didn't love the vocal but then again, that song doesn't really demand much of one. She worked the attitude and the sassy outfit all over the stage and didn't embarrass herself in the process. That's my girl.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Don't Speak" by No Doubt
Randy liked Chris's "flavor" and Paula looked all creepy as she cooed, "You're good, Chris, you're good. Just good." I'm not entirely sure she was referring to his singing. Gross. Simon, on the other hand, didn't dig it. And, for once, I have to disagree with him. I actually think Chris did a good job with this song. He's had trouble in the past trying to yank notes up, down, left and right often to awkward effect. But tonight, he seemed to have a bit more control and while his voice does skew a bit nasal at times, I do think it has a nice tone. I'm going to take Chris on as my pet project in the voting department until Rich Little officially enters the race.

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... tough one again, Chris Sligh are in the Bottom Three this week but it's Haley and her hot gams who's going home.

Top 10 Recap

Here are my thoughts on the contestants tonight:

LaKisha Jones: Donna Summer, "Last Dance"
LaKisha can sing her ass off, but for some reason, I'm just not feeling her. She did a great job, and like the judges said, it was nice to see her doing something upbeat. But compared to Mindy Doo, who is her major competition vocally, she's not nearly as likeable. But can we mention the breasts? Holy Mary mother of Christ.

Chris Sligh: The Police, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"
Chris Sligh moves to the beat of a different drummer, and not in a good way. What a fucking mess that was. I guess Jesus doesn't favor Chris the way he favored Carrie Underwood.

Gina Glocksen: The Pretenders, "I'll Stand By You"
I've been in the minority with the Gina love, but I think she really pulled through tonight. That was awesome. Totally awesome. And I don't get the "smug" thing that everyone says about her. She seems genuine and really, really emotional. Which, despite my love for her, isn't very rockin'.

Sanjaya Malakar: No Doubt, "Bath Water"
Is this song really about sitting in someone's dirty bath water? Gross. Also, I firmly believe that Sanjaya is just fucking with us at this point. He may even have struck a deal with Howard Stern. Or Satan.

Haley Scarnato: Cyndi Lauper, "True Colors"
Wait, who is Haley Scarnato? Oh, that chick who dressed all slutty last week and is a less talented and less pretty Katharine McPhee? Right! Wait, she sang tonight? I barely remember.

Phil Stacey: The Police, "Every Breath You Take"
So the creepiest guy in the competition sang the creepiest song ever recorded. Which basically made the performance creepy squared. It doesn't even matter that he nailed it vocally – which he did – Blake has the confidence and Chris R. has the cute (Chris R.! Call me!) so Phil's days are numbered. I maintain that he's the best male vocalist in the competition, and admittedly that isn't saying much.

Melinda Doolittle: Donna Summer, "Heaven Knows"
Mindy Doo can do no wrong. I voted for her three times. She's small and oddly-shaped and missing a neck, but boy is she a joy to watch. And I didn't hate the outfit, Simon.

Blake Lewis: The Cure, "Love Song"
I am not at all impressed with Blake. I think he's gimmicky and he makes weird, constipated faces when he sings. And when I heard there was going to be a Cure song, and he started his beat-boxing shit, I was ready to throw down. The Cure is my second favorite band of all time, you see, second to only Pantera. But much to my dismay, Blake delivered. I actually quite enjoyed it. That fucker.

Jordin Sparks: No Doubt, "Hey Baby"
Jordin's right up there with Mindy Doo in terms of the likeability factor. And I thought this had some rough spots, but overall it was fun and I dug it. I also loved Gwen Stefani saying that she didn't realize how "musical" the song could be, meaning she didn't realize what it would sound like if someone who actually had a good voice sang it. Am I hating on Gwen Stefani? A little.

Chris Richardson: No Doubt, "Don't Speak"
Chris is adorable and I want to teach him the ways of love with an older woman, but seriously, he's way out of his league. And I don't understand why Randy and Paula keep heaping praise on him at all. And is it me, or did he look like he wanted to cry when Simon told him he sucked? There, there, Chris. Let mama give you a big hug and make it all better. Oh, and take off those pants.

And there you have it. Also, Gwen Stefani wasn't nearly as annoying as I thought she'd be, and Paul wasn't nearly as crazy as I hoped she'd be. Predictions: Bottom three – Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and Haley Scarnato. Going home? Haley. Should be going home? Sanjaya and his fauxhawk of gentle doom.

Poll Time: Will 'Idol' Change Its Voting System?

The one-two punch of Vote for the Worst and Howard Stern urging viewers to vote for Sanjaya is clearly influencing the results. 'Cause it sure ain't skill keeping him around. What that boy did to The Kinks is a crime worthy of a slow and painful death, if you ask moi.

But it looks like he's not going anywhere anytime soon. Hell, if the momentum continues, he could very well win the whole damn thing.

Clearly, this season's results are already skewed but what about next year? Will producers make changes? Is voting via unlimited phone calls and text messages a thing of the past? Tell us...

Will "American Idol" be forced to change its voting system next season?
	Yup! Changes are coming.
	Nope! Things will stay the same.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Friday News Update... on Saturday

So yeah, I'm bringing you yesterday's news update today. How bad ass am I? Actually, tired as all fuck is the more accurate term. Pardon the missed deadline. Mama had a case of the exhaustion, you see.

Okay, enough stalling. Here are your headlines, bitches:

Warning: Freaky Sanjaya Photoshop Experiment Ahead
Hours later and I'm still trying to get the sting out of my scorched eyes. (TMZ)

Bucky Covington Sings, Sings a Song... of Paralysis
I'm betting it will be the feel-good hit of the summer. (People)

Gwen Stefani's 'Idol' Appearance Is upon Us
It's Gwen's turn to mentor the hopefuls during Pop Week. No word on whether she'll be encouraging them to dress like complete and total tards. (The Gossip Fix)

Past Contestant Report Card
See how Kimberly Locke stacks up against Kellie Pickler. And I swear this has nothing to do with breast size. No really, it doesn't. (Scripps)

LaKisha's Daughter Wants Her Mama Back
Little Brionne is really missing her mommy and wants her home tout de suite. Hmmm... I think we now know who's really jamming the phone lines with votes for Sanjaya. (MLive.com)

Thursday News Update

Sanjaya Starves People to Death
A woman calling herself "J" on MySpace has decided to go on a hunger strike until Sanjaya Malakar is voted off the show. You can read her profile, befriend her or call her a nutjob here. I'm thinking of joining her -- I've wanted to lose a few pounds anyway, and hunger strikes are way cooler than just starving yourself for no reason. Anyone else wanna join me? (Access Hollywood)

Howard Stern Deserves a Beatdown
Who's voting for Sanjaya, you ask? Howard Stern fans. The shock jock took a page out of Vote for the Worst's playbook, urging listeners to vote for the Idol hopeful. I dig Howard and all, but I'm not sure I can live in a world where I see Sanjaya's mug as much as I see Taylor Hicks. (MTV.com)

Ryan Seacrest Digs Chicks
Despite Simon Cowell's uncomfortable urging of Ryan Seacrest to come out of the closet, sources close to the host say he's straight as an arrow. Ex-girlfriend Shana Wall, who hosts an online cooking show, tells In Touch that they had an "amazing and passionate relationship." I wrote a couple of Ryan is gay jokes and then deleted them, because I'm tired of his ambiguous sexuality. You hear that? No more Ryan is gay jokes! Ever! Anyone want to make a bet on how long I'll stick with that? (National Ledger)

Chris Sligh Hates Jesus
Some uptight Christian folks in Chris Sligh's hometown of Greenville, SC are a little concerned about his faith. It seems the mop-topped contestant was all about the Jesus tunes prior to being on the show, but has now -- gasp! -- sung a few songs that are not at all about faith in the Lord. In other news, uptight Christians in Chris Sligh's hometown of Geenville, SC really, really want him to lose the show. (South Bend Tribune)

And if you missed Paula Abdul's batshit crazy interview on Letterman Monday night, well, I suggest you get caught up with the rest of the cool kids:

Two for Two!

At the risk of seeming boastful, can I predict the soon-to-be booted or can I predict the soon-to-be booted?! Admittedly, I've sucked with my bottom three predictions but I have been on the money with my Top 12 cast-off soothsaying. Brandon Rogers? Check! Stephanie Edwards? Affirmative! However, do not mistake my bragging for actual glee because while neither Brandon nor Stephanie would have won the whole damn thing, both of them are more deserving of a spot in the Top 10 than Sanjaya or Haley. Bogus.

Other than that, I really only have one note from tonight's results show:

Peter Noone should never clap his hands or attempt "dancing" in public ever again. Actually, I'm going to extend this ban to private clapping and dancing as well.

What the hell was he doing up there? Like, he kept awkwardly jabbing at the air while bending at the knee to bounce in place. White stereotypes aside, can this really be considered dancing?

And then! Then! Peter Noone executed an unexpected -- and very alarming -- pelvic thrust in the direction of the Idol hopefuls. In one moment, he was giving them an innocuous thumbs up and in the next, he was treating them to an eyeful of his decrepit old man junk. If you ask me, Peter Noone has all the makings of a flasher. How many easy-open rain coats does he have in his closet, I wonder?!

Here's the Top 10 (aka People I'll Violently Boo During the Idols Live! Tour with the Exception of Melinda Doolittle Unless She Does Something between Now and Then to Piss Me Off, Which I Highly Doubt):

1. Melinda Doolittle
2. Gina Glocksen
3. Lakisha Jones
4. Blake Lewis
5. Sanjaya Malakar
6. Chris Richardson
7. Haley Scarnato
8. Chris Sligh
9. Jordin Sparks
10. Phil Stacey

Give Me Time and I Can Rhyme

Haley
Haley's performance draws a total blank
All I recall is that she looked like a skank
She need to get through this week so she can go on tour
I guess she figured the best way was to dress like a whore

Chris R.
If I were him I would run and hide
Or maybe even commit suicide
and never again sing another tune
after being dissed by Peter fucking Noone

Stephanie
She's got a good voice but she is a bit of a drag
for such a young chick she is like an old hag
I dont hate her really- I''m just not a big fan
I usually skip her songs and visit the can

Blake
If I have to sit through more beatbox from this guy
I'd just as well shove a sharp stick in my eye
Last night's performance pretty much stunk
he did not bring the noise, he did not bring the funk

Lakisha
Lakisha, you know I already love you a lot
but last night, Goddamn, you looked really hot
Beautiful dress and about rocks you did sing
and I call them "rocks" because I refuse to say "bling"

Phil
During Tobacco Road sang by the goblin Phil
myself- is who I wanted to kill
the way I see it- if I was dead
I'd never again see that screeching bald head

Jordin
I cannot come up with one single snark
Toward the lovely and elegant Miss Jordin Spark(s)
I know toward Jordin I can't be too surly
Otherwise I will suffer the wrath of Curly

Sanjaya
Can someone tell me why he has not yet been booted?
He is so unbearable that my TV gets muted.
I can't believe so many people vote for this guy
It's like this entire country is high

Gina
(to the tune of Paint It Black)
I hate your haircut and I think your singing's wack
Anyone who liked that must be smoking crack
Let's finally rid ourselves of this poser Ms. Glock
She is not a bad ass and she so does not rock

Chris S.
I don't know what happened- he just really blows
every word he sings comes right out of his nose
I don't mean to offend, I don't mean to be crass
but I have heard better noises come out of my ass

Melinda
I have to agree- not her personal best
yet she remains leagues above the rest
nothing bad can ever be said about Ms. Dolittle
I am not even bothered by the huge spray of spittle

Crying Girl Identity Revealed!

Who was that inconsolable girl sobbing her way into America's hearts last night? Why, it was 13-year-old Ashley Ferl from Riverside. It seems she had gotten tickets to attend a taping of Are You Smarter Then a 5th Grader and as an added bonus, got to catch the dress rehearsal of Idol. Upon arrival, young Ashley immediately began losing her shit, and if there's one thing FOX knows how to do well, it's exploit both people and opportunities, thus Ashley was invited to stay. Quoth the L.A. Times:

Asked whom she was supporting in the competition she named "Sanjaya, Melinda, Gina and Jordin" as her picks, refusing to narrow her vote down to a single choice. All my journalistic powers of persuasion, cajoling, bullying and insistence that on her vote might turn the entire competition, that "Listen to reason, young Ferl, there can't be four American Idols," would not convince her to name a single favorite. To my every argument, she would only repeat her mantra, "All Four: Sanjaya, Melinda, Gina and Jordin." And so the race begins in earnest, with tears at every step of the way.

And that, my friends, is how one becomes a reality television star.

Top 11: The Recap

Because I'm a dedicated servant to American Midol, I've decided to adopt some hard and fast recapping rules going forward. I'm really going to hold myself to them in the hopes of bringing you all a thorough yet entertaining episode recap each week. Are you ready? I hereby promise to down a bottle of white... or red -- all depends upon my appetite -- while watching the performance show. It's the least I can do to uphold the quality and sanctity of this blog. Wouldn't you agree? Thank you in advance for enabling me.

On with the show...

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Tell Him" by Billie Davis
Haley set out to "be more aggressive and not so sweet." Mission accomplished... although not exactly with her song styling. Or as Simon put it, "People are going to be talking about a lot more than your singing tonight." Word, Simon. Did you get a load of the gams on that girl?

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying" by Gerry and the Pacemakers
I didn't love this nearly as much as the judges did. They cited it as Chris's best performance to date. Perhaps I'm too busy focusing on how cute he is to accurately gauge the vocal quality but really, I wasn't all that impressed.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield
I really really wanted her to do well with this. I feel like Stephanie is talented but she's been cast aside and as such, is struggling with her confidence and her identity. Even though she looks, I don't know, 40, the chick is only 19. I think a lot of people forget that. I want her to hit her stride and have her moment. Alas, I think she's in the bottom three this week.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Time of the Season" by The Zombies
It didn't suck. That's about all the praise I can muster for Blake. He's a douche -- it's obvious -- so he'll get no further accolades from me.

Also, Blake picked a perfectly-crafted song and merely mimicked it, save for the occasional bit of his tired beatboxing. Yeah, he's confident and has swagger but I prefer Melinda's combination of skill and humility, thank you. It's official: Blake can suck it.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "Diamonds Are Forever" by Shirley Bassey
Okay, so LaKisha was decked out in a diamonds worth $1 million. I understand that tie-in. What I don't understand was the kelly green dress. Was that supposed to represent the color of money? Was she giving a shout out to all the bank tellers at her former job? If so, money is more of pine green color, no? Or, perhaps a nice shade of hunter? God, I'm beginning to sound like a J. Crew catalog. Moving on...

Phil Stacey
Performed: "Tobacco Road" by The Nashville Teens
Again, Phil's vocals failed to impress me. Instead, I focused on one thing and one thing only: "What was that crap all over his shirt?" Was he sweating? Did he roll around in Vaseline before getting dressed? I have questions, Phil.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "I Who Have Nothing" by Shirley Bassey
That was AWESOME. I have nothing more to add, except that I yelled at the TV a bit when Jordin told Lulu that she didn't have a boyfriend. When Lulu replied, "You're going to have plenty now!" I took the opportunity to tack on, "And a hot lesbo girlfriend too!"

It could happen. Shut up.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks
I'll give Sanjaya this much... at least he tried to put a little oomph into it. Did it succeed? Well, no. But at least he tried. Once again, though, my attention was rather divided during Sanjaya's performance. Although this time there was no creepy hula dancing or flat-ironed hair to blame. It was Ashley, the crying child, who drove me to distraction:

Ah unrequited, self-destructive, dead-end love... Something tells me Ashley is destined to be the next Grace.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones
Well, that sucked. I won't say any more out of fear of hurting Jess's feelings. She loves her some Gina, see.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "She's Not There" by The Zombies
Similar to the other Chris's performance, I thought this blew chunks and was quite baffled by the praise he received from the judges. Although, Paula, god damn her, was totally right when she criticized Chris's social retardation when dealing with the audience. I can't handle this whole agreeing with Paula thing. I really can't. Fuck you, Chris. It's your fault.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "As Long As He Needs Me" from the musical, Oliver!
Once again, Melinda turned in a controlled, nuanced performance. Although, she did let fly with a rather generous spray of spit at one point which, in retrospect, was not very controlled at all. Whatever, it was gross but Melinda can still do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. She rules.

Speaking of waterworks, Melinda even inspired another crying fit in Ashley, the disturbed child. Behold:

That girl even got a curtain call during the end credits. Who's HER daddy?! I did notice this pissed-off little girl observing Ashley's sobbing hug-fest with the Idol wannabes...

I can't quite tell by the expression on that girl's face if she's put off by Ashley's display of emotion or if she's thinking, "Who's a big sign-toting girl gotta hump to get some face time with some Idols around here?" I'm guessing it's the latter.

Predictions: Phil, Stephanie... and dare I say it? Sanjaya are in the Bottom 3 but it's Stephanie who is going home this week. Also, I think Ashley will be heavily medicated very very soon.

Friday News Update

India Determines the Next American Idol?
This is all rumor, to be sure, but some sites are claiming that outsourced tech support workers in India may be using their speed-dialing capabilities to keep Sanjaya Malakar on the show. Not that I really believe it or anything -- I mean, we are talking about the same American public that crowned Taylor Hicks their American Idol last year, and buy Chris Daughtry's albums. Still, it's fun to spread unfounded, racially paranoid gossip! And don't miss the photo of Sanjaya's big sis in her Hooters uniform. (Tabloid Baby)

Kiki and Sanjaya BFFs
Speaking of Sanjaya, LaKisha Jones has taken the young lad under her wing, telling him not to listen to what anybody says and to keep doing his thing. I agree with this advice -- the more he does his thing, the less time he'll have left on the show. (TMZ)

Ryan Seacrest is Straight
Hilarious video of Seacrest's "straightest" moments. (Gawker)

Antonella Barba's Finest Moments
Do you sometimes lie in bed at night wishing you could hear Antonella Barba's rendition of Don't Want to Miss a Thing just one more time? But you erased it from your DVR. What now? That my friends, is what MySpace is for.

Taylor to KFC: No Way!
Taylor Hicks dropped 22 pounds since he's been off the show. How did he do it? More exercise, less fried chicken. In other news, Taylor Hicks is still retarded, still lying about being 30, and still has bad hair.

Simon Says No to Kinky Couple
In a 60 Minutes interview set to air on March 18th, Simon tells Anderson Cooper about a couple that invited Simon over to critique their lovemaking (ew, I said lovemaking) for $100,000. He didn't do it, but wishes he had just for the story. And I don't blame him. You should hear my stories about watching couples do each other. They're a huge hit at baptisms and wakes.

Thursday News Brief

No real shocker during the results show... um, except Diana Ross's horrifying performance. In the immortal words of EMF, what the fuck waaaaaaaaaaaaaas that?! I was not expecting her to suck ass so bad. Wow. Just wow. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that.

Today's a light news day, which suits me and my jacked up sinuses just fine. Here ya go:

Simon Cowell's to Blame for Paula Abdul's On-Air Erratic Ways
In a slightly modified version of the Folgers Challenge, Simon secretly replaced Paula's "legally prescribed medication" with crystal meth and it's been all downhill from there. Such a prankster, that Simon. (People)

Flow It, Show It, Long as God Can Grow It... Sanjaya's Hair
I really don't know what to say about this. The pictures speak for themselves. But is it just me, or does Sanjaya look like Jo Anne Worley in that middle image?

Um, I just thought of something: Am I the only 33-year-old who even knows who Jo Anne Worley is? I scare me. (TMZ)

Simon's Is Bigger Than Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuce's
Oooh, Simon took a swipe at Bruce Springsteen! Oh snap! Actually, on second thought, who cares? Like, I know I'm from New Jersey and I'm supposed to be steeped in the legend and mystique that is Springsteen and stuff, but, well... I'm not. While I have the floor, I've also never set foot in Camaro nor have I ever teased my hair or pluralized the word "ziti." Wait, what was my point? Oh right, Simon's been bragging that in terms of record deals, he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen. Really, Simon? Bruce is the comparative you're going with? Sorry, I didn't realize that the recent clock change sent us back to 1984... (AP)

Results

Recap probably coming later from someone who watched the show more closely than I did (making the boyfriend watch with me usually leads to my missing half of the show because of channel surfing during commercials or talking or whatnot), but for those of you searching for who got voted off, it was, as we all predicted thankyouverymuch Brandon Rogers, with his adorable face and fabulous skin and pretty smile and cute hairdo and disappointing vocals. What we didn't predict correctly is who would actually comprise the bottom three. Phil? NO! Sanjaya? YES! And there you have it, folks.

Dissent and Goings-On

I'm not going to do a full recap, because Curly did such a good job. I'll take the news, but first, I have to make a few points about last night, either because they weren't previously mentioned or because I don't agree with what's been stated.

1. I'm irrationally protective of Gina, which I fully admit, but I thought she did a good job with Love Child. While she may not have the flawless vocal power of LaKisha and Melinda, I think she's a hard worker with a great range, and I enjoyed it. If she sticks around, I think she's going to grow week after week, especially now that she's in the little rocker box the judges have been trying to shove her into since day one.

2. I actually don't think Haley is going to be in the bottom three this week. She clearly has a fan base, and when Antonella was voted off, I was all set to redirect my hatred toward Haley, but she's just so damn likeable. It actually kind of pisses me off.

3. I like Phil Stacey, and I don't care who knows it. He's a super dork who tries to act like a cool guy, and I would never want to see him naked, but when he hits those power notes, he makes me smile. I can't help it. With all the shoddy non-talent on the guy's side, I need someone to root for, and he's it.

4. I hated Stephanie's rendition of Love Hangover. I thought it was boring, and didn't show her amazing vocal range. Also, did you know she's only 19? Can the judges give her a little of that Jordin love?

5. After the uncomfortable banter between Simon and Ryan last night, the only thing that's really left for them to do is make out with each other during a live show. I am so sick of the "I'm straight, you're gay, no, I'm straight, you're gay, or, you know, let's just fuck each other" thing they have going on this season. I mean, it's always there to a certain degree, but COME ON.

6. My predictions: Bottom three goes to Brandon Rogers, Chris Sligh and Stephanie Edwards. Going home? Brandon Rogers.

Okay, and now onto the news:

Idol Hopefuls Love Jesus
Chris Sligh, Jordin Sparks and Melinda Dolittle all have friends at the Gospel Music Association. As long as none of them start ranting about "lifestyle choices," ala Mandisa, they're cool by me. (Christian Today)

Sheryl Crowe hates Idol
I don't know about you, but I'm sick of "artists" hating on Idol. While the show may be responsible for the inexplicable fame of DAUGHTRY, you can't really deny that it's produced some viable stars who deserve their fame. Kelly Clarkson, anyone? (Buddy TV)

Jennifer Hudson May Play Aretha Franklin
Great. Then she'll be nominated for another Oscar and diss Idol again and then we can have another Hudson vs. Cowell feud. Sigh. (All Headline News)

Jennifer Hudson is Also a Huge Diva
Hudson reportedly tried to back out of performing at the Soul Train Awards, but then attended after Clive Davis issued a smackdown. Okay, seriously, this girl is not famous or accomplished enough to be acting like this. I'm so sick of her. (I Don't Like You in That Way)

Simon Will Quit if Sanjaya Wins
To show our solidarity, I hereby decree that should Sanjaya win, American Midol will be no more. Mejack? Curly? You with me? (TV Squad)

Top 12: The Recap

The Top 12 mangled, er, I mean sang the songs of one Ms. Diana Ross. Here's a rundown of tonight's mixed bag of crap and cool:

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Can't Hurry Love"
Um, did Brandon even sing tonight? 'Cause I don't remember it. Let's just go ahead and put Brandon in the Bottom Three, shall we?

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "Home"
Yet another masterful performance by the lovely Melinda. I love love LOVE the fact that she welled up when she heard the applause in the bigger auditorium. It genuinely and sincerely blew her away. What a moment for her! I'm glad she was given a little time to bask in it.

But do you know what I love even more? Paula had her first crying fit! This means some much-needed activity in The Scattergram.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Endless Love"
I didn't think it possible to make this song suck, but suck it did. I sort of understand why Chris tried to change it up since the judges have criticized contestants for not adding anything new and interesting when they dared tackle divas like Whitney, Mariah and Celine in the past. But dude, this was bad.

However, I don't know if I agree with blaming the contestants for the sorry arrangements, as was the recurring theme tonight. It seems Chris and the others had significant input but methinks Rickey Minor could have exerted some of his own influence a bit more to make the songs not, you know, suck balls.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Love Child"
I just knew she'd sing this song. I smelled it from a mile away. This is not a song just anyone should attempt. It demands passion, experience, depth and mileage that Gina just does not have. Barring that, it requires a set of brass ones and well, Gina does seem to be equipped in this regard.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"
Can we all please agree to stop voting for this kid? If not, we're going to have keep looking at gruesome images like this:

Stop the torture. Please. Seriously, stop.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Missing You"
Believe it or not, I'm going to side with Simon on this one... I don't think Haley screwed it up that bad tonight. Yeah, she forgot the words and got flustered but, for the first time, I detected a nice tone in her voice and she actually showed some personality after Simon complimented her. Personally, I think he overpraised her a little bit as a make-good for last week's "I don't remember your name" insult but still, she definitely improved over her previous performances. Even so, I think she's in the Bottom Three.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me"
Recapping Phil's performance would require me to think about him and when I do that, I have to go to a dark, scary place. And I don't wanna. Don't make me.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "God Bless the Child"
I liked this. I did not, however, like the dress. The vocal was really good but I couldn't really dig in and enjoy it fully because of that white mass on my TV screen. That dress was downright menacing.

Like, it was cool that Diana Ross offered LaKisha some wardrobe suggestions but I just wish she stressed one very important point in particular: White is not at all slimming, Kiki. Not.at.all.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "You Keep Me Hangin' On"
Uh, was I supposed to be all blown away by that? I know that's what Blake was going for and totally expecting. In fact, it looked like he was getting ready for a shower of effusive praise and flowing Paula tears but what he got instead was a rather tepid response.

No doubt he and Gina are moisturizing their chapped asses with lots of Vaseline tonight. Ew, that was a gross visual. Sorry.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "Love Hangover"
Stephanie's voice showed a smooth yet textured quality to it tonight that I hadn't detected before. I was waiting patiently for the tempo shift where she could really let rip but it never happened. Bummer because I think she could have finally established herself. Instead, I fear she's earned a spot in the Bottom Three.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "The Boss"
Okay, so his voice was all over the place and it kind of sucked. I don't care. He's still cute and I love him.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "If We Hold On Together"
Again, I'm with Simon. It was a "gooey" song but she made it work. And did I mention she's beautiful? And stunning? And lovely? It's official: I'm smitten. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy her flowers.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Brandon, Haley and Stephanie
Going Home: Brandon

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 8

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10

Analysis: Not only was Paula quite normal this past week, she even cracked a few jokes... successfully. I don't know what to make of this. However, Paula lost points for being MIA at the beginning of the live results show. Actually, no one would have even known but dumb ass Ryan Seacrest was all "Where's Paula? Is she even here?" I can always count on Ryan's piss-poor skills as a host to awkwardly expose the private details of the judges' lives. I mean, look how much insight we already have into his and Simon's life partnership, for example...

Also, Paula gets some demerits for expressing shock that Sundance Head was booted. Um, does Paula have ears? Or did she maybe saw them off in a drunken fit? I must state that preferring Sundance over Sanjaya Malakar is not insanity. Peddling the notion that Vagina Beard could have won the whole thing? Well, that shit could get you institutionalized.

The Top 12: Love It or Leave It

Well, you've gone and done it now, America. Here's the Top 12 you helped select:

1. Lakisha Jones
2. Blake Lewis
3. Chris Sligh
4. Jordin Sparks
5. Phil Stacey
6. Melinda Doolittle
7. Brandon Rogers
8. Chris Richardson
9. Gina Glocksen
10. Stephanie Edwards
11. Haley Scarnato
12. Sanjaya Malakar

Since Jess did such a kick-ass job recapping the results show, I don't need to! Score! Instead, here are a few select visuals from tonight's episode:

Up first is Jared Cotter acting like a complete douche when informed of his dismissal...

Yo mama, Jared. Yo.mama.

Up next is Paula's stunned response to Sabrina Sloan's ouster...

Coincidentally, I've made that very same face several times this week when I found myself agreeing with Paula's comments.

And here we have Haley Scarnato all crying and shocked-looking, primarily because she knows she's a big ol' waste of space...

Last night, I remarked that Haley had a Marie Osmond thing going on. Tonight's look was reminiscent of a Carol Seaver-era Tracy Gold. What does that have to do with anything, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine.

Lastly, we have Sanjaya Malakar eyeing up Paula after she indirectly expressed dismay at his inclusion in the Top 12...

I'm not going to lie to you... I'm more than a little impressed with the "Bitch, I'll cut you!" face Sanjaya's showing here. I'll be even more impressed if he acts on it. Do it, Sanjaya. DO IT!

Result Show: The Recap

First of all, I don't want to hear the song "Stuck in the Middle With You" unless I'm watching someone's ear get cut off. I certainly don't want to listen to Haley Scarnato warble through it. Apparently, someone forgot to turn Sanjaya Malakar's mic on and dammit, Sundance actually sounds good. What the hell is going on?

Phil Stacey is safe! His wife claps and smiles prettily but deep down in the ugly parts of her brain I bet she's thinking, "You BEST be fucking safe after missing the birth of our child for this!"

Jared Cotter is going home. I rule! He pulls the Chris Daughtry douche move and acts surprised, then angry, then actually verbalizes how surprised he is. Cocky much? Antonella Barba is inexplicably crying at this news. The camera is avoiding Sundance, who is crying like a damn fool I'm sure.

Brandon Rogers and Melina Doolittle are brought out, the two backup singers. Is there room for two backup singers in this competition? Why yes, there is. I was wrong about Brandon, and I'm glad.

Carrie Underwood hits the stage. Seriously, how can you not like Carrie Underwood? She's adorable, she seems sweet, and she can sing like nobody's business. She almost makes me enjoy country. And Jesus.

Antonella is going home. For once, I am proud of America. Well, the part of America that isn't my Little Brother, anyway. I was wrong about Stephanie Edwards, and once again, I am glad.

[Side note: LB just sent me an IM about his darling Antonella. What a sad day. Like remembering where you were when The Challenger exploded.]

Sabrina Sloan and Haley Scarnato take the stage. They are both crying. I have a very, very bad feeling. My feeling is confirmed as they announce that Sabrina's journey ends. Suddenly, I hate America again. Sundance wipes big man tears out of his eyes.

Thursday announcement: Idol wants to give back. Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest took a trip to Africa. They hung out with children living under horrible conditions. I can't even snark on this, because this obviously had a profound effect on both of them, and they were adorable with the kids, particularly Simon. Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul are heading to New Orleans next to help victims of Katrina. This is very cool, y'all. Anyway, there are going to be two television "events" to support the cause. Here are the DEETS (Mejack loves it when I say DEETS):

April 24th and 25th: Tuesday's show will be an inspirational songs theme. The top six remaining contestants will sing, and for every vote the American public casts, Coca Cola, AT&T and "others" will donate money. Ford will also be contributing through a weekly video series. Viewers at home will be able to make their own contributions via an 800-number or online. Quincy Jones will be writing a song for the top six to perform, and special guests will include; Borat, Gwen Stefani, Pink, Josh Groban, Bono, Annie Lennox and Michael Buble.

Last up: Sanjaya Malakar and Sundance Head. I honestly don't care which one of them is going home. It’s Sundance! The judges are shocked, because in the reality they choose to live in, Sundance hasn't sucked since Hollywood. Also, when they told him he sucked week after week? Never happened. Sundance does unspeakable things to Pearl Jam, again, and that, my friends, begins the finals on American Idol.

Big Waste of Time

You know, I dutifully watch the boys perform week after week - and I am so bored and disappointed by them the whole thing is starting to feel like homework. Last night I literally did not start watching until almost nine so that I could fast forward through most of it- and while I was watching I was actually paying more attention to balancing my checkbook. I am not kidding.

I have nothing to say about any of them except that a few times during the show I wished that I was deaf. I did not vote for anyone. Not even Sanjaya. Can someone please tell me why he ironed his head?

Prediction?

I don't fucking care. Seriously. I'll take a guess and say that it will be Jared and Sanjaya. But again. I don't care at all.

And the chicks.

Jordin, Stephanie and Sabrina: Fine, swell whatever. Good job. Super. YO.

Gina: I still fucking HATE Gina. Enough with this shit already. She is not a rocker. She is not edgy. Someone needs to tell her that there is nothing LESS punk rock than being on American Idol. I am way more badass than her, and I am a goddamn accountant.

Haley: Thanks, Bye.

Lakisha: Awesome. As usual.

Melinda: Anyone who does not love this woman needs to be institutionalized. Period.

Predictions: Haley and Gina Glockenspiel


That's all for now. I am hoping that next week will bring me out of my funk. I am not feeling much for anyone besides Melinda Smalls.

Zzzz...Recap...Zzzz

I'm not going to do a full recap, because Curly covered it, but I will say that last night felt like watching a kindergarten talent show, where all the kids are ugly so you can't even enjoy it from a cuteness standpoint. That's not to say the boys are ugly. (Chris R.! Call me!) It's just to say that it was that painful.

Anyway, last night we got the opportunity to learn a little bit about all of our contestants. It was the usual, boring stuff, with the exception of Blake Lewis' "improv" character, Jimmy Walker Blue, which gave me nightmares. Here's what I learned about the contestants last night, not through their video confessions, but through the rest of the show.

Blake Lewis' favorite band is 311. Think about that for a moment, will you? 3-motherfucking-11. While I did like "All Mixed Up" back in the day, I'm not sure I'd call them a particularly solid band. In fact, I bought their CD because of that song, and thought, "Every single one of these songs sounds the same." Oh, wait! NOW I get it…

Sanjaya Malakar has more hair versatility than I do.

Pearl Jam apparently wronged Sundance Head in either this life or one previously.

If he chooses the right song, Chris Richardson is just as capable of boring the shit out of me as every other guy on the show!

Jared Cotter thinks that argyle is sexy.

In some circles, mostly those containing Simon Cowell and well, just Simon Cowell, Brandon Rogers is known almost exclusively as "Travis."

Phil Stacey isn't entirely sure how to correctly use the phrase, "grain of salt."

Chris Sligh just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?

I love how the judges started the show by over praising all the guys, and then couldn't even keep up with it and just sort of gave up because they're really that bad. Dial Idol's got Phil Stacey and Sundance Head in the bottom two, but I'm not buying it. I say bye bye to Jared Cotter and Brandon Rogers. I wish I was saying bye bye to Sanjaya and Sundance, though.

Top 8 Boys: The Recap

Yet another yawn-inducing boys round. However! I recently discovered that my mother is a dedicated American Idol viewer so I watched tonight's show with a whole new perspective. With each contestant, I pondered: What must Mama McDimple be thinking?

Here are my thoughts and some of her proposed ones:

Blake Lewis
Performed: "All Mixed Up" by 311
First of all, I'm not the least bit surprised that Randy and Paula didn't recognize this song. Secondly, even though he changed up the song slightly with the whole beatboxing thing, Blake's version was totally drab. At first I was excited when I realized he was doing 311 but my enjoyment quickly plummeted as Blake succeeded in systematically sucking every bit of life out of the song.

As for my mother, well, she quite likes the reggae, even watered-down white boy versions of it because really, she doesn't know the difference. I'm also thinking she would have enjoyed Blake's checkered pants.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Waiting on the World to Change" by John Mayer
Truthfully, I didn't hear a note of this song. I was too distracted thinking about Sanjaya doing this:

Mama McDimple: While not actually saying it out loud, my mother totally would have been thinking: "Wow, that was really gay."

Sundance Head
Performed: "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam
Pssst, Sundance! Just because the song depicts a massacre, it doesn't give you license to, in turn, do that to the song. Also, what's the point of taking on this song if you don't do the growling "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" part at the end? That was weak, you big pussy.

Mama McDimple: Ditto.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban
I didn't hate this but I don't really have anything nice to say so I won't say anything at all. Oh, except that Chris is soooooo cute.

Jared Cotter
"If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder
Oh my God! Paula's comment that Jared needs to add some color to his vocals was actually on the mark. And well said! And I actually understood her point! Shit, this means yet another dip in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram. I'm not pleased. Not one bit.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "I Just Want To Celebrate" by Rare Earth
I'm going to give Brandon the Chris Richardson treatment here. It didn't suck but that's about all I can say. Um, did I mention tonight's show was really boring?

Mama McDimple: "Isn't this song from a car commercial?"

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Need You" by LeAnn Rimes
That was fucking weird. Again, Paula was completely right (gah!) when she criticized Phil's lower register. Clearly, it's not his strong suit. To me, it sounded like he was doing a bad Cher impersonation at the beginning of that song. It was like he was trying to reach into the deep recesses of his throat for something deep and smokey but what came out was... God, I don't even know. Would you call it guttural? I have no idea, but whatever it was, it disturbed me immensely.

Mama McDimple: Actually, my mother wouldn't have a comment here. She'd be too busy running around the housing sprinkling holy water because of the evil she just witnessed on the television.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Wanna Be Loved" by D.C. Talk
I had never heard this song before because, well, Christian rock ain't my thang. Actually, I had no idea Chris was even singing the praises of his own personal saviour until I looked up the song list on AOL Television. Perhaps it's my Catholic guilt kicking in but I'm just going to leave it at that.

Mama McDimple: "If Curly doesn't watch her weight, she's going to end up looking like this guy."

Predictions: This is a tough call in light of last week's AJ tragic ouster but I'm thinking Jared may have finally overstayed his welcome. And, if there's justice, Sanjaya and his flat-ironed hair will do the hula all the way home.

Results Show: The Recap

Let me blog about this bullshit show while it's still fresh in my mind. America, I hate you.

First to get the ax was Nick Pedro. I predicted him to go, and in this case, I think America got it right. When he did his exit song, I thought it was really cute when he turned away from the audience and gave each of the guys handshakes. Simon was right when he said it was Nick's lack of charisma that got him voted off.

Next to go home was Alaina Alexander. This was a pleasant surprise, as I thought America would be too smitten with her cute face and pretty hair to let her go. I thought it was kind of lame how she gave up on the song halfway through, though. If I remember correctly, Ayla Brown cried through her whole exit song and still managed to rock it. Also, when Paula was delivering her parting words did the sound cut off on the actual show, or was that just my digital cable?

Then Kellie Pickler performed. As I've mentioned previously, I'm not a fan of the Pickler. And the way they had her all done up, with the weird hair and the harsh eye makeup, she looked like a washed-up, 60-year-old ex-country singer who just can't give up the karaoke bars. Also, did she get a boob job? If not, I really want to find out where she gets her bras and stock up, because her rack was awe-inducing. The song itself, I hate to admit, kind of touched me. I thought it was sad and it was sweet and I actually thought she sounded good. Good thing her rehearsed conversation with Ryan afterward about how spider sushi isn’t really spiders brought my rage back, though.

Next to go home was A.J. Tabaldo. What the fuck, America? Mejack, did you vote for Sanjaya more than you voted for A.J? If you did, then I blame you. Also, I hate that they make the losers sing the song that got them voted off. It's unnecessarily cruel.

Then, Leslie Hunt got the boot, which was no real surprise but still bummed me out because 1) I really liked her and 2) fucking Antonella is still here. Damn you, LB! I loved how she replaced the scat part of the song with this, though. "Why did I decide to scat? America don't care for jazz." Leslie and I could so hang.

Also, the Daughtry song that they play over the montage is worse than "Had a Bad Day." The latter was at least insidious enough to get stuck in my head for days. With Daughtry, I get to forget it exists and then have the same dull reminder each week.

Now, let's talk about the criers. Sundance cries a LOT. He cried when Nick got the boot. He cried when A.J. got the boot. I don't have cinematographic evidence, but I think he may have cried through the whole show. Also, you know how when something upsets a toddler, he or she stands there making that awful face while they try to decide whether or not they're going to cry? That's Sundance Head's cry face, and it ain't pretty. Also joining in the waterworks were Jordin, who teared up a little when Alaina got the boot and sobbed when Leslie did, Stephanie, who teared up when Alaina got the ax and Gina Glocksen, who pretty much just lost her shit when Leslie went. Melinda Doolittle cried when A.J. got the boot, but I wonder if that's just because she realized you can get high praise from the judges and still be sent packing on any given week.

America? Suck it. And if you keep Sanjaya and Antonella one more week, I'm moving to Canada.

News, Predictions, Thoughts, etc.

Last night, we were lucky enough to watch 'Idol' at Mejack's, while we stuffed ourselves full of chips and dip and Chinese food and booze. Aside from Jared Cotter's boner, I barely remember the show. That may have been all the wine, though. My predictions: Nick Pedro and Jared Cotter. Before I get into the news, though, here are some other people's predictions:

Dial Idol says Nicolas Pedro and Brandon Rogers.

EW's Michael Slezak think it will be Nicolas Pedro and Sanjaya Malakar

AOL's poll has Sundance Head and Brandon Rogers at the bottom.

For the record, I think Sanjaya's cuteness, Sundance's um… whatever it is that makes people still root for him and Brandon's camera fucking will keep the three of them around for at least another week. And now, your news:

Some people are just OUTRAGED that Antonella Barba got photographed doing what she does best -- behaving like a porn star (Did you think I meant singing?) at a WWII memorial. Not to be all judgy, but I'm guessing they live in red states and have secret porn stashes. (WorldNetDaily)

Simon thinks whoever sold the pics of Antonella are 'despicable.' Hugh Hefner thinks they're 'sexy.' I bet we all know what our favorite Jersey girl will be doing when she gets voted off. Don't worry. We'll buy the Playboy and scan the pics in for your viewing pleasure until someone threatens to sue us. (Access Hollywood)

Taylor Hicks does not, in fact, make America proud, as his album sales slide way down the charts. (Post-Tribune)

If you ever go to a housewarming party for Chris Daughtry, bring razors and a bible. (People)

Jennifer Hudson's bolero from the center of the universe was not her fault. Also, oceans are a part of your world. Keep them clean. (Chocolate: The Magazine That's Better Than Sex That's really their tagline)

And finally, many of you want to know what Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Hudson wouldn't do that Carrie Underwood and Kellie Pickler did, thanks to the obnoxious and oft-repeated FOX promo last night. I thought it was anal, but it turns out I was wrong. It's thank 'Idol' for their success. Wait, Kellie Pickler's a "success"?

Top 20: The Boys

Well, that was boring! I set out to write my usual pissy recap of the episode and well... I got nothing. With the exception of the enormous bulge in Jared Cotter's pants, nothing really stood out. And boy, did that stand out! Was he smuggling watermelons or something? While historically I have little to no interest in the male organ, I am impressed with Jared's package nonetheless. Too bad I can't say the same for his singing.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Ain't Missing You" by John Waite
Boooooooooooooooooooooooring.

Jared Cotter
Performed: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
I couldn't really concentrate on Jared's vocals between his ridiculous emoting and that enormous penis protruding through his pants. Despite its impressive stature, I don't think it's enough to save him. See ya, Jared.

AJ Tabaldo
Performed: "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone
Love him. 'Nuff said.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Steppin' Out" by Tony Bennett
Oh, Sanjaya. Yet another rotten song choice, no doubt selected by sissy. And you pulled your hair back into a ponytail, an obvious rejection of my offer to brush it. Why do you have to break my heart like this?

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne
Chris did really well. I have no beef with his performance or his banter with the judges this week. Although, I will say that with my dark plastic frames and head of curls, Chris offers a warning to me to keep my weight in check. I could easily look like his twin sister if I don't lay off the pasta. Methinks I'll have a Slim Fast for lunch and a sensible dinner today. Thanks for the inadvertent glimpse into the future, Chris!

Nick Pedro
Performed: "Fever" by Peggy Lee
I won't waste my time with a critique since he's going home.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai
Not too shabby. I really love his song choices. Maybe he can mentor Sanjaya.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper
God, that sucked. It was nothing more than a background vocal disguised as a lead. Oh, and I think I'm pregnant thanks to Brandon's continued camera fucking. Next week, I'm going to have a rape whistle on hand when I watch the program.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Geek In The Pink" by Jason Mraz
Sure, Chris's dance moves and up-tempo song selection were similar to last week but I.don't.care. He's still my favorite.

Sundance Head
Performed: "Mustang Sally" by Mack Rice
Despite his family's advice to be less "crappy," this week's performance failed to get Sundance out of the shitty zone. It proves that he's not only a singer of questionable talent, but also a miserable failure for a son.

Predictions: Bye, Nick Pedro! Pack your weiner and go, Jared.

News and Other Silliness

AOL has their drag-and-rank feature up and running. Blake Lewis is in the lead. Surprisingly, Jared Cotter made the top six. I can barely even remember his performance, and when he first took the stage, I turned to my cat and said, "Who the fuck is that?" Vote here.

Simon and Paula may have dubbed Seattle the worst of the worst, but now that all's said and done, five semifinalists came from there. Granted, Rudy Cardenas was one of them, but still. (TV Squad)

Jennifer Lopez will be hitting the Idol stage on April 11th, which I can only assume is my own personal birthday present. Hopefully, she won't be wearing this. (London Net)

Vote for the Worst has named their first target of the season: Sundance Head. At least it's not Sanjaya. He may have sucked last night, but he's a cutie patootie.

Vote for the Worst has also uncovered the truth about Antonella Barba: She's a drunken whore (NSFW). Oh come on, she's from Jersey. Obviously she's a drunken whore.

Fantasia Barrino will perform on this Thursday's live show, and make a "special announcement." I don't know about you, but the suspense is just killing me. (Charlotte Observer)

Dial Idol has their predictions in. Top 3: Sundance Head, Sanjaya Malakar and Chris Richardson (aka My Future Baby-Daddy). Um, Sundance and Sanjaya? For reals? I hate America already.

John Peter Lewis, like, rules and stuff. (PR Newswire)

mejack recap

Not really impressed yet. At all. Some thoughts on last night's performances:




Rudy: Dude. Free Ride? Really? You can see that this guy made a stellar effort but all that song did for me was make me want to look for my copy of "Dazed and Confused" to watch after the show was over.

Brandon: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TRYING TO SEX UP THE CAMERA. This guy has a foxy Lenny Kravitz/D'Angelo thing going on but he is NOT going to gain my affections by making fuck me eyes at the camera. All I could think about was all the people who watch this show- like mothers and grandmothers- and that he was, for all intents and purposes, making sexy eyes at my mom. GROSS.

Sundance: Now this guy was an early favorite of mine but he has pretty much sucked since his first audition. Last night was no exception. I felt bad for him. If he makes it through he has to seriously kick some ass.

Paul Kim: Ok. first of all don't come out and say "Come On Y'all!" to the audience like you are going to sing some great crowd pleasing anthem and then break out "Careless Whisper". Just don't. Boooooooo.

Chris Richardson: I'm not seeing the appeal. He reminds me of my lab partner from high school. He seems like a very nice guy but he is awfully vanilla. I guess his performance was ok but I agree with Simon that his voice was not big enough.

Nick: Big smarmy, sissypants. Ew.

Blake: Right now he is my favorite. Go Blake. I will say however, that I don't think he gave as great a performance as the judges said- but then again everyone pretty much blew ass so I guess his was good in comparison.

Sanjaya: I felt bad for this kid. The judges were way harsh. He has such a nice face I got upset when they were so mean to him. I did not think his song was that much worse than the others. I voted for him.

Chris Sligh: Probably NOT the best idea to rip on Simon (and make him UNCOMFORTABLE) but still- this guy is hilarious. His song was ok. I still can't help but think of Jack Osbourne when I see him.

(Sidenote- Simon can dish it out but TOTALLY can't take it. HA. Don't worry Simon, you are still my homeslice)

Jared: Blah. Lite FM

AJ: I loved AJ. I honestly think he was the best.

Phil: I don't know what it is about this guy that freaks me out. His voice is pretty good but he has those weird bug eyes. I also think it's pretty sad that he chose to stay at the auditions while his wife was in labor. I have to say that if my husband missed the birth of our baby because he was trying out for American Idol he would never make it to Hollywood because he would be DEAD.


All in all, I am not really loving any of these guys. No one totally nailed any of their songs. I would say AJ came the closest but then again what do I know.

predictions: Rudy, Paul OUT

Top 12 Boys: The Recap

Mmm... Top 24. We finally made it. Gawd, it took long enough. But far be it from me to be a further cock tease so let's get down to business. Here's how the Top 12 boys fared tonight:

Rudy Cardenas
Peformed: "Free Ride" by The Edgar Winter Group
Oh my God, that was horrendous. Dude, Randy, the ass munch to end all ass munches, called you "corny." How can you ever recover? You can't. Leave now. Don't even show up for the results show. Seriously, go.

Brandon Rogers
Peformed: "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson
Brandon is this season's official Camera Fucker. He follows in the footsteps of Justin Guarini, Constantine Maroulis and Ace "Lookie at My Scar" Young. Um... not exactly the best company to be keeping, Brandon. But you seem like a nice fella so I'll spare you a bitch slap, even though your song sucked ass. Do better next week. Might I suggest less camera fucking and more note hitting? Give it a whirl, why don't ya?

Sundance Head
Peformed: "Nights in White Satin" by The Moody Blues
Oh, Vagina Beard... what a horrific mess you've become! I believe Simon summed it up best: "I don't like you tonight." Actually, I wasn't too keen on you during the Hollywood Week neither. What the hell happened to you?!

Several weeks back I likened Sundance to Meat Loaf because I think they're both fat fucks. Little did I realize back then that the comparison would run much deeper than dimpled flab.

In tonight's outing, Sundance affected a Meat Loaf-like yelp as well as some dramatic hand gestures and flourishes for good measure. All that was missing was the handkerchief and that chick with the black curly hair who sing-talks to Meat Loaf in several songs on the Bat Out of Hell album. Speaking of which... don't get any ideas, Sundance! Take my advice and stay away from "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" or ew, "Heaven Can Wait." Nothing good can come of it. And don't get any fancy ideas about singing Styx or Blue Oyster Cult neither. You've been warned.

Paul Kim
Peformed: "Careless Whisper" by Wham!
Yet another train wreck. Not the most auspicious start to the season, I must say. Paul not only irritated my ear drums with his attempted falsetto, but he also incurred my wrath by executing the dreaded "touch the pretend headphone" gesture mid-screech. There's nothing in your ear, shit head. But if I had my way, my foot would be. Stop the pantomiming! And get yourself some shoes! No one wants to see your gnarly bare feet.

Actually, I take that back. Don't heed my generous and helpful advice. You bore and sicken me simultaneously. Be gone.

Chris Richardson
Peformed: "I Don't Want To Be" by Gavin Degraw
I love.. no, ADORE Chris. His song was nowhere near perfect but he's adorable and looks like he's having fun and totally enjoying the experience. He could very well be my favorite this season. Chris will be treated with kid gloves by me. Anyone who dares besmirch his good name will know no such dispensation. I'll house your ass(es).

Nick Pedro
Peformed: "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx
Nick gets points for saying "Vote for Pedro" instead of doing the annoying "Call me!" gesture at the end of his performance but I have to immediately retract those points because he sang a Richard Marx song. Don't do that ever again, Nick. Ever.

Blake Lewis
Peformed: "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane
I love that Blake selected a Keane song. I was worried that he'd bust out the beat box yet again but he pleasantly surprised me with his song choice and competent delivery. I'm still a bit iffy about his personality but I won't quite add him to my shit list just yet. However, he does have serious dickhead potential. He could easily become a loathsome figure. The jury's still out but as far as tonight goes, he's okay by me.

Sanjaya Malakar
Peformed: "Knocks Me Off My Feet" by Stevie Wonder

Dear Sanjaya,
Don't let your sister select your songs anymore... because she clearly hates and resents you. I, however, do not. Nor does Jess. She sent me a text message during the show informing me that she "[wants] to smush" you. No, don't be scared! It's a good thing. It's similar to her desire to eat cute babies and crush the skulls of adorable puppies. No really, it's a compliment! We both think you're adorable. Say, can I brush your hair? Wait, why are you crying? Come back! It's okay. We mean you no harm. Come baaaaaaaaaaack! Resist your sister!

Chis Sligh
Peformed: "Typical" by Mute Math
I like Chris. I really, really do but I didn't quite care for his backtalk to Simon tonight. Insolence does not suit him, particularly when it sounds rehearsed. I like my barbs and comebacks sharp and quick-witted, which his usually are. Don't be so cheeky, Chris.

Jared Cotter
Peformed: "Back at One" by Brian McKnight
I did not enjoy this performance. Hell, I don't even remember enough about it to write something snotty. So I won't. God, I love editorial freedom.

A.J. Tabaldo
Peformed: "Never Too Much" by Luther Vandross
I think A.J. is adorable. I didn't love his song tonight but he's exuberant and eager and well, even a cranky beeyotch like me can recognize that. Good luck, A.J.

Phil Stacey
Peformed: "I Could Not Ask for More" by Edwin McCain
This is perhaps the most bipolar performance I've ever witnessed, ever. It started out in the shit house and found its way to fucking awesome before long. Also, I think Phil is kind of a doofus but I dig the way he graciously and wisely listened to Simon's critique. He's a good boy.

Wow, I'm getting soft. Actually, no, it's just fatigue setting in. It's late and I appear to be running low on my piss and vinegar reserves. We can't have that! I'll be good and tanked up for tomorrow night's take down of the girls. But, before I go...

Predictions
Because two contestants are sent home in this round, I'll forgo the usual Bottom Three prediction and cut right to the chase. I predict Rudy Cardenas and Paul Kim will be the first to get the boot. Good riddance!