Hollywood Week Begins! The Recap

We had a shortened audition schedule this year, but it still felt like an eternity. And now we're at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, where 147 hopefuls vie for 36 spots, and then later, one spot, which guarantees them the post-Idol fame of either Kelly Clarkson or Taylor Hicks. Which one do you think they want?

There's another new twist this season - Idol boot camp, where contestants have access to vocal coaches, stylists and a "glam squad." I'm initially annoyed by this, as I like seeing how the contestants progress from dumpy to divalicious during the course of the entire competition, but then I see them later and they all look as frumpified as they did before. Idol boot camp also features a surprise mentor - Barry Manilow, looking more like an aging high school girls' gym teacher than ever. Mentoring apparently consists of giving a speech, which he does while the contestants look bored and wonder who this lady is, and why she thinks she knows so much about music.

Day 1: Half of the 147 sing, the other half get to frolic around Hollywood. One unlucky person has to split him or herself in half and do both, but we aren't privy to that footage. Here's how it works this year: the 73.5 people performing today will be split into groups of 8, where they will take turns singing a capella. If they suck, they go home on the spot.

Apparently, Kara got the memo I sent, which said "COVER UP YOUR BREASTS SERIOUSLY I CAN ALMOST SEE YOUR AREOLA EVERY TIME YOU TURN DO YOU WANT TO SLIP A NIPPLE?" because she's got that shit covered up. With a shiny grey bag, which she has belted. Paula is dressed like a Victorian dominatrix, with some sort of dog collar contraption. Randy borrowed Mr. Rogers' best sweater. And I think we all know what Simon is wearing.

Group 1: Lil Rounds, Dennis Brigham and 6 other people we will not be introduced to this time around. Lil Rounds sings "I Will Always Love You" which is super screamy and fairly awful. The judges, for some bizarre reason, think it's awesome. Dennis Brigham sings "For Once In My Life," and it's a shit sandwich with no chips, and he makes his best crazy face while he sings. Lil and two other people make it. Dennis and four strangers are going home. Because Dennis doesn't just make crazy face, he actually IS crazy, he goes on a tirade that the judges are "sending the wrong message by sending him home." I would venture a guess that they're sending him home because he can't sing, which is actually the right message, in my humble opinion. Shut up and go home, Dennis. Nobody likes a sore loser.

Group 2: Nathaniel Marshall, Anoop Desai, Jasmine Murray, Rose Flack, Michael Castro and three strangers. Nathaniel sings "When the Anchor Holds" and I like it, though I'm baffled by his ensemble. The tattoos and piercings are cool, and while I don't love the button-down with a T-shirt over it with a tie thing, I get it. But the kicky headband throws it all off. The judges tell him that he picked the wrong song, which I don't necessarily agree with, and then he cries like a little girl and I go from really liking him to thinking he might end up being an unstable drama boy. (Spoiler: I am correct.)
Anoop Desai sings "If It's Magic" and he kicks so much ass. I think I love Anoop. Jasmine Murray sings "The Trouble with Love Is," and she's great, but she still bores the crap out of me. Rose Flack is clearly out of her element, and she warbles through "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" and I really wish she'd pull it together because I want to like her, I really do. Michael Castro, oddly enough, gets no air time, and the entire group is through.

Group 3: Stephen Fowler, who we have not seen before, Jorge Nunez and Von Smith. Stephen sings Stevie Wonder's "Superwoman" and he immediately becomes my favorite guy singer because he is that awesome. Jorge is wearing a scarf that no American man could ever get away with. He sings "Just Another Day," and it's really good.

Then there's Von Smith, who I didn't like at all in auditions and I haven't changed my mind one bit. He shouts "If the Rain Must Fall" at the judges, and people in Japan can hear him, and Simon calls it "indulgent nonsense" and I agree. For some reason, they still send him through, along with Stephen and Jorge, who Kara calls "George," and the rest of the group will have to wait until next year to get their 15 minutes, because they're going home.

We don't get to see any more groups from Day 1, but we do get "treated" to a montage of Normal Gentle/Nick Mitchell, who I am so over. He can sing, but I'm sick of his shenanigans. He sings/performs "You're Gonna Love Me" with a shoutout to Seacrest in the middle, that I have to admit is funny. Randy calls him "banoodles," which I am totally cribbing. The judges send him through, again. Sigh. Also through on Day 1: Frankie Jordan and Scott MacIntyre.

Day 2:

Day 2 starts with Ford pimpage! It seems a bit early for that, no? Especially since Americans can't afford more than Big Wheels at the moment.

Kara's boobs are back on display in a red dress with a slit down to her lady bits. Paula is dressed like a saloon whore, and suddenly, I realize that Paula's wardrobe choices are so over the top that they have actually crossed the line to completely rad. Yup, I said it.

Group 1: Jackie Tohn sings "Rock Me Right," and it's WAY over the top and ridiculous. The judges like it, because they huff gasoline when we aren't looking, and send her through.

Group 2:
BFFs Jamar Rogers and Danny Gokey. Jamar sings "California Dreamin'" and it's good. Danny sings "Kiss From a Rose," and I really love his voice. They're both through, along with some other people.

Bikini girl time! UGH. She's wearing something sparkly with feathers at the bottom, but at least she's dressed, I guess. She molests Ryan while he mentally figures out how much of a raise to ask for next year. She sings "Breathe" by Faith Hill. It starts out pretty good, I have to admit, but then completely falls apart halfway through. Kara and Paula agree with my assessment, and Simon and Randy call them catty, because in case you haven't heard, girls are like totally mean and jealous and competitive and vindictive, y'all! It's why they pay us less! So sick of mean girls stereotypes. What was I saying about Katrina being a talentless whore? OMG YOU GUYS I'M SO MEAN. Anyway, she's through, along with the rest of her group.

Jessica Paige Furney, Sharon Wilbur and Patricia Roman Lewis are all out, but we don't get to see their performances.

Group 4: Is "Roughneck" an actual job title? Michael Sarver sings, "I'm Gonna Love You More Than Anyone," and it's good. Jesus Valenzuela sings Stevie Wonder's "Lately," and it's not. Michael is through. Our Lord and Savior is going home to his 30 kids. (I know he only has two, but I liked it better when I thought he had 30, so I'm going to just stick with that.)

Last Group: David Osmond, Erika Wesley, Emily Wynn-Hughes and that nerdy guy. David sings "The Way You look Tonight," and he's good. Erika Wesley sings "I Gave Her My Heart but She Wanted My Soul" and it's just okay for me. Then, Emily Wynn-Hughes sings "Excuse Me Mister" by No Doubt instead of "I Put a Spell on You" which she had actually rehearsed. It's shockingly terrible, and everyone is baffled. They still put her through, though, along with David and everyone else but Erika. Erika begs for another chance, and Paula lies that she was totally on board but all the meanies out-voted her. Erika continues to grasp at straws, claiming she has to get another shot because it's her cousin's birthday. LAME. They send her home.

Alexis Grace, Brent Keith, Anne Marie Boskovich and Adam Lambert are also through, and the grand total of people through is 104. Tomorrow: Group round! Drama! Sequins and standing ovations! Can. Not. Wait.

Jacksonville Audition Recap

"Idol" headed to Jacksonville, Florida to check out the local talent last night, and they -- as well as those of us suffering at home -- found it sorely lacking. In fact, it might have been the worst two days of auditions in "Idol" history. And to make matters even worse, it was boring. When the judges are the most entertaining part of the show, you might want to start looking into some new cities for next year.

In case you thought I was exaggerating about how bad Jacksonville sucks, here's all you need to know about this city -- they worship Randy Jackson. Like, they want to build a giant statue of him in the town square and take turns humping it. And even though he was sporting a florescent t-shirt decorated with palm trees, I bet they STILL love him. It has something to do with Journey or something. Now, I love Journey as much as the next gal. More, actually. I once developed a crush on a boy after having a heartfelt hour-long discussion of our shared love of Journey at a party. But the fact that Randy Jackson was in Journey is a small bit of trivia that I keep stored in the back of my brain next to the names of Britney Spears' children and Warrants' discography.

Let's get on to the suckage, shall we?

Joshua Ulloa, 22 years old, Beverly Hills, FL, tile layer
Joshua looks like Justin Guarini, and has an okay voice, but he's a GIANT douche, what with the sunglasses inside and the fake harmonica and the beat-boxing. He sings "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye and he's going to Hollywood, even though he should have been eliminated due to his abuse of both gimmicks and my delicate sensibilities.

Sharon Wilbur, 25 years old, Jacksonville, FL, non-profit administrator
Sharon has one of those little rat-dogs that I hate, Sasha, which she hands over to the judges while she sings "Superstar" by Karen Carpenter. She's pretty underwhelming, and because I'm so bored I can't stop staring at Kara DioGuardi's cleavage. She and Paula do that fake-making-out thing again, and one of her girls almost falls out. I have to say, I much prefer the innuendo between Simon and Ryan. It all feels very drunk-girls-at-a-frat-party to me. Sharon's going to Hollywood.

Dana Moreno, 24 years old, West Palm Beach, FL, college student
Dana's outfit is fascinating. She's wearing a red satin, off-the-shoulder mini-dress, possibly with exposed black bra straps, and a black fedora. She does unspeakable and tangibly uncomfortable things to Chaka Khan's "Through the Fire."

Kaneswa Finnie, 16 years old, Jacksonville, FL, student
Poor Kaneswa. She seems like a sweet girl, but she can't sing, and her either tone deaf or cruel mother encourages her. She sings Anita Baker's "Caught Up in the Rapture" with a "pum pum pum" thrown in here and there that's vaguely reminiscent of the "Little Drummer Boy." the judges rightly call her mother in afterward to tell her how badly her daughter sucks.

Julissa Veloz, 19 years old, Orlando, FL, sales associate
Julissa wants to be the first Latina American Idol, and she's wearing a sash that says "candidate" for the Miss Florida Latina USA pageant. I'm guessing she didn't win, because then she'd have the "winner" sash, right? Anyway, she's wearing a tiara and a silver minidress, and of course we all expect her to be terrible. Then she opens her mouth and sings Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing," and she's pretty good. Not great, but pretty good. She's also a total dork with a strange laugh and I secretly love her and she's going to Hollywood. Paula has some sort of meltdown during the judging deliberation and walks off, and Julissa talks her down and convinces her to come back.

Darin Darnell, 28 years old, Houston, TX
Darin took a shitload of ecstasy before auditions, fell in love with a boy he met on line, lost said boy to the cruel politics of eliminations, started to come down and began crying about the hopelessness of it all, came to the realization that no one understands him, and no one ever WILL understand him, and than squeezed out the words to "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye" by Boyz II Men while silently weeping, only to be sent home, where he vowed never to take drugs -- or try to sing in public -- again.

And… day two! Kara has found new and interesting ways to show off her cleavage this time with some sort of cutout and pulley system. We get it, Kara. You're young and hot and have BREASTS. Duly noted.

Naomi Sykes, 25 years old, Tampa, FL, food server
In what's possibly the strangest five minutes of "Idol," ever, Naomi sings "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton while her best friend sits on Randy's lap, Paula sits on Simon's lap, and Ryan bounces uncomfortably on Kara's lap. Naomi sounds worse than Eric Cartman did when he sang it on "South Park." Her friend is trying not to crack up the entire time, and Simon (and I) assumes she's kidding, but when he calls her on it, she loses her shit and CRIES. Everyone jumps up to hug her because she's clearly unstable. I also think her BFF secretly hates her.

Jasmine Murray, 16 years old, Starkville, MO, student
Jasmine is the youngest of six. She's pretty, and polished, and sings Fergie's verson of "Big Girls Don't Cry," and it's good, but boring, and she's going to Hollywood.

George Ramirez, 18 years old, Jacksonville, FL, college student
George has a giant hard-on for physics. He sings the dreariest version imaginable of "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves, and it's so bad that it crosses over into hilarious, and therefore, makes me feel like I actually AM walking on sunshine. And I bet that was his scientifically-orchestrated plan all along.

Anne Marie Boskovich, 22 years old, Nashville, TN, waitress
Anne Marie is completely starstruck over Kara. No really, I said Kara. K-A-R-A. I'm willing to forgive her for that, though, because she's the only legitimately awesome singer Jacksonville has to offer. Because the show is boring, Simon gives her some bullshit about how she needs to come back and audition as a different person instead of sending her straight to Hollywood. So she takes off her denim jacket, convinces a wandering makeup gypsy to slap some eyeliner on her, and comes back at the end of the show to sing "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. And she's still awesome, and she's going to Hollywood. Thanks for the show filler, Ann Marie!

T.K. Hash, 23 years old, Concord, NC, administrator
T.K. auditioned last season and didn't make it, so he's back with David Archuleta's version of "Imagine." It's good, and boring, and he's going to Hollywood.

Michael Perrelli, 18 years old, Orlando, FL, "musician"
Michael is a big whiny baby who gets weepy when he's told he can't audition with his guitar. Because he, like, sleeps with it and stuff. He sings mediocre song "Jumper" by mediocre band Third Eye Blind, and his rendition is slightly less than mediocre. Oh, and he's wearing a smiley face backpack that he mugged a 13-year-old Japanese girl for. Not going to Hollywood. Aside: Is Bret Michaels bringing back the bandanna? Because I am NOT down with that. Michael also throws a tantrum on the way out and totally disses his mom. He's a brat and a half.

Is it Hollywood week yet? Deep breath… almost here…

San Francisco Audition Recap

So, are the auditions over yet? Yeah, I didn't think so. Tonight was San Francisco, where the freakshow parade was hitting their tambourines pretty hard. In the opener, we are told that Idol has a huge boner for San Fran, because it produced Katharine McPhee, she of the tanking album, and William Hung, he of the ironic faux-success. So right away, I think it's going to be bad. And I'm not disappointed! Most upsetting is Ryan Seacrest, who forgot to do laundry and was forced to host the show in ratty jeans and the hoodie he wears while he watches Lifetime movies. Luckily, Kara washed all the clothes she wore when she was a stripper going by the name of Irina, and she graces us with a bedazzled shredded-sleeved number.

I'm going to get the people who were important enough to have their names displayed for Internet mocking/Hollywood week recognition but had no backstory out of the way first.

Not going to Hollywood:

Nick Reed: 17, Antelope, CA
He had frightening hair and sounded like Charlie Brown's parents beatboxing. He also came after a "fashion" montage, which showcased people in line dressed like nutters and people auditioning wearing nothing even remotely interesting.

Jiayi Yu, 16, San Mateo, CA
Sang "We Built This City" by Starship with the same amount of enthusiasm I exhibit while watching a football game.

James Smith, 27, Sacramento, CA, Ballroom Dancer
He didn't sing long enough for me to decipher what the song was. He was also terrible. He should have held off and auditioned for "So You Think You Can Dance."

Going to Hollywood:

John Twiford, 27, Sherman Oaks, CA, Music Teacher
He sang "Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder pretty well. He's also cute-ish, with hippie hair.

Allison Iraheta, 16, Los Angeles, CA
She has shocking red hair and sang Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" quite well.

Raquel Houghton, 28, Los Angeles, CA, Waitress/Bartender
She sang "Son Of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield, and is pretty in a Manson girl sort of way.

Okay, now that we've got the filler out of the way, let's get to the contestants who actually got some air time.

Tatiana Del Toro, 23, San Juan, Puerto Rico
Tatiana is a "full-time singer, musician, songwriter, writer, assistant director and film actor" who has no IMDB listing. She does have a MySpace music profile, though. When she's not vamping for the camera or laughing like a certified crazy person, she is annoying everyone she comes into contact with while wearing an animal print spandex mini-dress with a tutu stapled to the bottom of it. She sang "Never Loved a Man" by Aretha Franklin, and it wasn't terrible. She's good TV, so she's going to Hollywood.

Dean-Anthony Bradford, 27, Pasadena, CA, "Entrepreneur"
Those quotes are courtesy of the show, not mine. I'm skeptical about his age, because he looks about 45, and he's wearing the most ill-fitting plaid jacket ever to attempt to fit a man. Randy says he likes the jacket, sarcastically, but you know he kind of does, or at least he would if it had drum-major piping on it. Dean-Anthony started a special events production company, but it failed. He sings Simple Red's "Stars." Badly. He looks like he's having a seizure while he's singing. Simon razzes him about his hair color, which isn't actually particularly weird, and he makes a carpet/drapes joke which makes me want to vomit. When they tell him he's not going to Hollywood, he's pretty sure it was the coat that did him in, and not his crappy singing.

Jesus Valenzula, 29, North Highlands, CA, Fleet Manager
Initially, Our Lord and Savior appears to have about 30 kids, but then they bring the kids in after his boring, forgettable performance and it appears he only has two. They're cute, Jesus 2 and Gabriel, so the judges send him to Hollywood even though he sucks and has zero charisma and rather aggressive eyebrows.

Dalton Powell, 18, Manteca, CA, Unemployed Rubik's Cube Master
Ryan Seacrest tells this laid-back mumbly fellow that he might want to amp up the energy before going in or dip into the Seacrest coke stash. Dalton does neither, preferring to smoke a blunt and then sing Smokey Robinson's "Ooh Baby Baby" in falsetto. All of it. He is not going to Hollywood.

Akilah Askew-Gholston, 26, Oakland, CA, Aspiring Songwriter
This chick brought two things with her -- original songs and anatomical diagrams of the human body. She can't pronounce larynx. Or trachea, but she apparently knows what both of them have to do with singing gospel songs. She sings "Make Sweet Love," an original song. It's terrible, of course, and she explains that it was because it "came from the wrong rectum." Paula tries to comfort her, and then walks off the stage in a huff, possibly giving everyone the finger. After they tell her she's not going to Hollywood, she interviews that she could have done better, but she let the judges "eractatate" her.

Annie Murdoch, 28, Novato, CA, Unemployed
She sings "Summertime" by Sam Cooke. It's over the top and screamy. Simone compares her to a drunk, and she's not going to Hollywood.

Adam Lambert, 26, Hollywood, CA
Adam was in "Wicked" and has David Cook hair. He sings Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it's good, but a bit theatrical and screamy. Still, he's adorable, even with the bad hair, so he's going to Hollywood. And in related news, no one on any reality show, ever, can compete with Sweet Suzie McNeil on "Rock Star: INXS" when it comes to "Bohemian Rhapsody," and if you don't believe me, I suggest you watch this video:



Kai Kalama, 26, San Clemente, CA. Musician
Kai has a sick mom and he takes care of her when he's not out rocking. It's a sweet story, and he's cute in a rough-around-the-edges-will-be-hot-once-stylists-get-involved kind of way. He sings "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by the Platters and it's good, and he's going to Hollywood.

And there you have it, folks. Hang in there -- the auditions will be over soon. that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

American Idol Premiere: 8th Verse, Same as the First

So remember how this season of American Idol was going to be NEW and DIFFERENT? Well, it's not. Sure, we have a new judge who may or may not want to make out with Paula Abdul, and we had a girl in a bikini audition for the show, but aside from that, it's all the same -- dumb, endless montages, ratty shirts on Simon, and Seacrest thinking girls are icky, especially ones in bikinis. Here's a rundown of all of last night's noted and notable performance, with first and last names so you can go and look everyone up on MySpace and Facebook, because I'm not doing that shit until we get to the Top 36.

Tuan Nguyen, 20
"The Way You Make Me Feel" (Michael Jackson)
This guy and his fro could have saved himself a lot of air time -- and a lot of embarrassment -- had he not decided to dance. Related: he may or may not be auditioning for the next season of So You Think You Can Dance. No Hollywood.

Emily Wynne-Hughes, 21
"Barracuda" (Heart)
She got pierced and tattooed and dyed her hair pink so she'd never had to work in an office, which I can get down with. Also, it takes balls to try to sing that song a capella. Going to Hollywood/

Randy Madden, 27
"Livin' on a Prayer" (Bon Jovi)
This guy looked just like Izzy Stradlin and cried like a little girl pretty much the whole time. And he also sucked. And I'm not surprised that Ryan Seacrest can't tell his G 'n' R alums apart, because he was too busy shakin' it to Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time," back in those days, but he compared him to Axl Rose. No Hollywood.

JB Ahfua, 16
I found this guy mostly forgettable, except that it sounded like his song ended with the lyric "waking up inside of you," which is gross in a Dave Matthews "hike up your skirt a little more" way, and now I need to go take a shower. Going to Hollywood.

Michael Gurr, 17
"It Starts with Goodbye" (Carrie Underwood) then some song by Kara DioGuardi
He was nervous and barfy and sweaty and sounded like one of the Chipmunks having a seizure. No Hollywood.

X-Ray (Aundre Caraway)
He brought a guitar and never played it. Who is this guy -- Kip Winger? He sang some cactus song, and it was very noisy and jumpy. Randy loved it, because Randy is an idiot. No Hollywood.

Arianna Afsar, 16
"Put Your Records On" (Corinne Bailey Rae)
She hangs out with old people and encourages others to do the same. I thought she was sweet and cute, but nothing special. Going to Hollywood.

Elijah Scarlett, 22
"You're the First, the Last, My Everything" (Barry White)
Naturally he sang Barry White, as he has the deepest voice ever and that's all he could, theoretically, sing. Unfortunately, he couldn't even do that, and I'm a little sad we'll never get to hear him sing country. He reminded me of the "Let My People Go" guy from last season, and no, it's not because they're both black, you racists. No Hollywood.

Lea Marie Golde, 16
"Everytime We Touch" (Cascada)
This girls was wearing what looked like a pink felt cowboy hat, and she had a Trapper Keeper full of songs she'd written that she wanted to give to her favorite person in the world, Kara DioGuardi. She also couldn't sing. No Hollywood.

Stevie Wright, 16
"At Last" (Etta James)
She was low-key and a very good singer. Probably the best of the bunch. Plus, she was named after Stevie Knicks, which automatically makes her cool. Going to Hollywood.

Michael Sarver, 27
"Thank You" (Boyz II Men)
He has the 5th most dangerous job in the world, doing something on an oil rig. He was okay, nothing special, but he was hoping Idol would help him create a better life for his family. Sad story = ticket to Hollywood.

Katrina Darrell, 20
"Vision of Love" (Mariah Carey)
Ah, the bikini girl. Randy and Simon loved her. Paula and Kara hated her. She was good, in exactly the way that girls who get through to Hollywood in regular clothes are. Kara sang to prove she was much better, but she actually wasn't, and when Katrina pointed it out, Paula acted all scandalized but you could tell she was trying not to laugh, which was kind of awesome. And then she tried to make out with Seacrest and he begged her to go swimming instead. Going to Hollywood.

Eric Thomas, 17
"Ribbon in the Sky" (Stevie Wonder)
I don't remember this guy's song at all, but I do remember his "Sexual Chocolate" tattoo. And since he didn't make it through, his mom bought him a car, which seems like the wrong message, but who am I to judge someone's parenting philosophies? No Hollywood.

Brianna Quijada, 22
"Let's Hear it for the Boy" (Deniece Williams) and "Killing Me Softly" (Fugees)
She was sweet, and she was adorable, but she was a terrible singer. And for some reason, she's going to Hollywood. The hell?

Deanna Brown, 25
"Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" (Otis Redding)
She has a good voice, and I think she'll really start to shine once she has access to the stylists, if she lasts that long. Going to Hollywood.

Cody Sheldon, 17
"Wonderful World" (James Morrison)
Not only does Cody Sheldon look just like a goth version of former contestant Danny Noriega, I think he might actually BE Danny Noriega, in disguise, giving it another go. I smell a scandal! Going to Hollywood.

Alex Wagner-Trugman, 19
"Baby Come to Me" (James Ingram)
He used to sing in the closet and got mold poisoning because of it. He's pretty good, and may just be this season's loveable dork.

Scott MacIntyre, 23
"And So It Goes" (Billy Joel)
This was the blind guy. And he was good, but not great, and I feel mean for saying it, but I really don't think he would have gotten through had he not been blind. If you were following us on Twitter, Curly had this zinger: "I kind of feel bad that the blind guy has messy hair."

All in all, it was underwhelming. Or as one contestant we never did get to see perform muttered to the camera, "What a nightmare. This show is a joke."

The Idol Premier!

Last night, at the end of the Idol Season 8 Premier, Ryan Seacrest tried to high-five a blinde dude.

That is all.

Friday News Update

There are now officially two business days, and four real days until the Idol premiere. Can you handle it? Is the suspense killing you? Here's a little news snack to keep you from starving for all things Idol.

Seacrest Digs Chicks
TMZ has not one, but TWO photos of Ryan Seacrest spending time with actual girls. One's a Playmate, and one's in a bikini. Now, I'm not going to say that doesn't mean anything and steal TMZ's thunder, but Seacrest and I took a couple of beach photos once, and as soon as the photo was taken, he was all "Ew, ew. Get me out of here." That could have just been me, though, as I hadn't showered or shaved in like a week. Also, Seacrest is only 34? Really? I thought he was much older than me.

Kara DioGuardi Sure To Be Annoying
Idol's newest member is apparently not just going to tell contestants how to sing better -- she's going to show them. By singing. Though not necessarily a bad thing -- and god knows it would be a treat to have someone with actual singing talent judging a singing competition and yes, I left you out intentionally, Paula Abdul and yes, Simon, it IS a singing competition -- I do sort of hope it's awkward and bad, because it will give me something to talk about.

Carrie Underwood Gets Around
Miss Underwood has landed herself another athlete -- Ottawa Senators' Mike Fisher. For those of you who are all, "Who?" I'm talking about hockey. Apparently they're keeping it low profile. Personally, I still can't understand how she could have let Chace Crawford go. If I were dating him, and he tried to break up with me, I'd chain him up in the basement and check on him every 15 minutes, sigh, and say, "You're so pretty!"

Guess Who's Back? Back Again
Nope, it's not Slim Shady. It's Sanjaya Malakar, who is releasing an album and a memoir, both entitled Dancing to the Music in My Head. That about sums it up, I think.

Top 4: Recap

Four folks left. Three have been number one in votes. Competition is closer than ever. YOU MUST VOTE! This… is… American… Idol.

Randy Jackson bedazzled his hoodie for the show. Paula Abdul came straight from her cameo in the Saturday Night Fever remake and Simon Cowell, well, looks like Simon Cowell. Ryan Seacrest's faux-haux isn't as symmetrical as I'd like.

In the audience tonight:

• Luke Menard, looking adorable and geeky.
• Jamie Lynn-Sigler, looking like one of The Real Housewives of New York City
• Carly Smithson
• Rascal Flatts, who I thought was just one dude for the longest time

It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week. We're treated to a long montage of the history of rock n' roll set to Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Night." Each contestant will sing two songs each, and the judges will critique after each performance, which Ryan explains while making a subtle dig at Paula for last week's drunken faux-pas.

David Cook

First up, "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, which came out in 1982, the year he was born. Imagine if you will a Duran Duran song getting the David Cook treatment. Any song, really. That's exactly what it was. Yawn. Paula was out of her chair dancing like a groupie on Rock of Love the whole time. Randy thought it was just okay, solid but not mad hot. The audience boos him angrily. Paula says that it left her with a big appetite. Get it? Also, ew. Then she said something about watching him grow and flourish when he does the EXACT SAME THING every week. Shut up, Paula. Simon thought it was good, but a little bit copycat. Simon then goes on to say that David didn't do what he's done in previous weeks which was to take the song and make it his own. Actually, that's exactly what he did. In previous weeks, he took someone else's song and PASSED IT OFF as his own. Simon says he'll get through to next week.

His second song was The Who's "Baba O'Riley." Now, I love this song. It's one of my top songs ever. When it started, my first thought was, "Fuck, this is really good." Then it got really bad. Then it got really good. By the time it was over, I didn't know what to think. Randy loved it. Paula wants more of David Cook, preferably with exposed penis. Simon welcomed him back.

Final thoughts: Safe.

Syesha Mercado

First up, "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. I thought she rocked it. It was sexy, fun and she sounded great. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a bad, shrieky version of Tina Turner. I just want to know what kind of arm workout she does.

Her second song was "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. She sang her heart out. I thought it was great. I also never noticed how ginormous her boobs are before tonight. Randy didn't like the arrangement and thought she oversang it. Paula loved it, and welcomed Syesha to her dream, which made her start bawling. Simon loved it, which made Syesha cry some more, and then Paula turned on the waterworks. Then Syesha? Compared her reality show experience to the civil rights movement? Huh?

Final thoughts: Bottom two, but ultimately safe.

Jason Castro

First up, "I Shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley. Which is just so… obvious that I can't even support it. You know his friends back home are sitting around a four-foot bong watching FOX and saying, "Dude! Castro is, like, totally singing Bob Marley! No way! He he! Awesome!" It wasn't very good. Randy thought it was karaoke. Paula wasn't crazy about it. Simon thought it was utterly atrocious, and compared it to a first-round audition massacre. He asked Jason what he was thinking. The answer? "Bob Marley!" (And weed)

For his second song, Jason attempted "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. And lest you think he isn't stoned all the time, he forgot the words and thought it was hilarious. I really wish Jason would let me pick his songs for him. He'd be all, "I want to do some Dylan" and I'd be all, "Splendid! Here's 'Just Like a Woman!' Now go forth and rock!" And he would. Randy said he wasn't in the zone. Paula said it didn't blow her away, but he blows her away, and if given the chance, she'd blow… oh, never mind. Too easy. Simon tells him to pack his suitcase.

Final thoughts: I voted for him several times, because I'm not ready to stop mooning over him. And he's the new Vote for the Worst pick, so he might eek out a win over Syesha, but I think I'll be saying goodbye to my dreadlocked lover.

David Archuleta

First up, "Stand By Me" Ben E. King. It was great. The crowd loved him. The judges loved him. Is there any way the kid isn't going to win the whole thing? I'm thinking no. Also, Ryan always manhandles David like an awkward father who doesn't know how to show love. Although David would probably prefer that to the beast that is Jeff Archuleta, I'm guessing.

For his second song, David sang Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender," causing 12-year-old girls across the country to spontaneously hit puberty like all the potential slayers on the last episode of Buffy, only in this case, it isn't to save the world from evil -- it's so that David Archuleta may oneday spread his seed. If anyone wants to start another LDS polygamist sect, I think we've found a new leader. And people talk about the Obama cult. Randy loved how he was tender and caressed each word. Really. He said that. Gross as hell, right? Paula said it was one of her all-time favorite performances of his. Simon said he crushed the competition.

Final thoughts: Duh.

Top 6 Recap

Happy Earth Day, people! To celebrate, Idol will be using green power at the finale. Baby steps, right?

It's Andrew Lloyd Webber week. Jesus. Why is Idol doing this to us? It's like Beatles II: Electric Boogaloo times six thousand.

Syesha Mercado is doing "One Rock N' Roll Too Many," and I hate this show for making me have to look up every goddamn song. I'm not a big musical theater person, you see. How about a little chyron in the lower left hand corner, eh? This show is going to take me all night to recap. Aaaaanyway, Google tells me the song is from Starlight Express. Apparently, Syesha has a personality! Who knew? It was pretty great, actually, sultry and fun and on point. Randy thinks it's her best performance. Paula thinks she brought the house down, Simon thought it was sexy, and agreed with Randy. Everyone realized all at once, including me, that "Oh! So THIS is what Syesha is all about!" Broadway, not Billboard. And that's okay. She'll probably land a gig as soon as she gets booted, if her contract allows it.

Meatloaf is doing AT&T commercials, people. That is all.

Jason Castro is looking adorably dorky in an off-white suit. He has no idea who Andrew Lloyd Webber is, of course. I bet he knows who Bob Marley is, though. He's singing "Memories" from Cats, which is kind of hilarious. It's not very good, and believe you me, it PAINS me to say that. Randy thought it was a trainwreck. Paula thought it showcased his "unique being" and then babbled a lot because she's drunk. Simon deemed it the longest two minutes of his life, and compared him to a little boy being forced to sing at a wedding by his parents. Jason doesn't care -- he's got a four-foot bong back at the house and he's already on the tour.

I take back everything I ever said about Ryan's sexual orientation. He wants to bang old ladies. There. I figured him out. He has mountains of granny porn stashed in his house.

Brooke White is up. She's singing "You Must Love Me" from the Evita movie. She fucked up the lyrics in the beginning and asked to start again. Only the last time she had to start over, she was still awesome, and now she's just broken beyond repair, and there's no coming back from it this time. I actually hope she goes home soon. Not because I don't like her, because I do, but because I think if she spends any more time there, she's going to lose her shit in a big, not-at-all-fun, way. She's boring and not very good. Randy thought it wasn't so good. Paula thought the stopping and starting over was a major mistake. Simon thought it was uncomfortable. Brooke looks like she's ready to go backstage, drink a bottle of Southern Comfort, go down on David Cook and then collapse in a pile of tears and vomit.

David Archuleta is mauled by pre-teen girls. He's singing some lady song from Phantom of the Opera. "Think of Me." I don't know the original, but this sounds like 6th grade dance pop schmaltz. This show is never going to end, is it? Randy liked the runs, obviously. Fucking Randy and his runs. Paula thought it was perfect. Simon thought it was weak. Word, Simon.

Paul Stanley is in the audience, looking like Joan Rivers. Awesome.

Carly Smithson wanted to sing "All I Ask of You" from Phantom and ALW was like "Rubbish! Sing another song!" So she went with "Jesus Christ Superstar." She is wearing a kickass dress that I am coveting, hard. She sounds awesome, as always, and she's looking better every week. Randy thought it was good, but not her best performance. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty in the middle, but one of his favorite performances of the night. She has a T-shirt that says "Simon Loves Me (this week)" which is kind of hilarious and charming.

On a side note, I have an entire box of chocolates in my freezer and a raging case of PMS. I'm really worried about what's going to happen tonight.

On another side note, So You Think You Can Dance premieres May 22nd, and I'm literally beside myself with glee. Seriously, I just looked over and there I was. Gleeful.

David Cook is singing "Music of the Night" from Phantom, and ALW tells him he has to be sensual and sultry. And then they role-play a bit, and it's uncomfortable for everyone involved. I'm watching it, and I can feel David Cook trying to pork me through the TV, and I don't like it one bit. Stop trying to pork me with your sensual eyes, David Cook! I knew "sensual" was going to translate into "camera fucking." Randy thought it was an amazing performance. Paula thinks it proved he was well-rounded. Simon didn't like it because David didn't find a generic rock band's cover of it on iTunes to rip off.

Wow, Jason Castro sounds so much better in the rehearsal clip at the end than he did in his performance. Y'all knew those wrap-up clips are from rehearsals, right? Live show, not enough time to edit, and all that jazz?

Bottom three: Jason Castro, Brooke White and Syesha Mercado
Going home: Syesha Mercado

Just to clarify: I don't think Syesha is bad. However, people like me want to look at Jason's sweet, adorable face for as long as humanly possible, and Brooke is the new queen of Vote for the Worst, so I'm predicting Syesha by the process of elimination. Is it weird that I kind of miss Kristy Lee Cook?

Here's Brooke messing up if you missed it:

Top 16 - The Girls

I spent this evening watching American Idol over beers with my good friend Craig. He’s twice as catty as I am. Stick a few beers in him and he’s downright bitchy. Watching American Idol with Craig while we were drunk really seemed to tone down the overall douchy-ness of Ryan Seacrest. Too bad it didn’t take the edge off of Paula. She was in rare train-wreck form on Wednesday night. I didn’t spell-check because I was way too drinky to care. My apologies.

Asia’h Epperson – “I wanna dance with somebody” – started out shaky and awkward. I really wanted to blame it on the fact that she was walking down stairs, but alas, the rest of the song sort of tanked as well. Paula was standing up and dancing like an idiot because, well, she’s high. I was bored to tears and thought she really lacked energy, despite all the jumping around. Randy the namedropping donkey loved it because he worked on the original with Whitney Houston. Simon hit the nail on the head with “Second rate Whitney”.

Me: Way more interested in text messaging with another one of my friends than listening. BORRRRRRRRE-ing.

Kady Malloy – I had no idea what song this even was, because she lost me with the first sour note, which was unfortunately to be followed by a bevy of other horribly rotten, eardrum curdling notes. God almighty, I wanted to mute her. I got back to text messaging as a form of Idol escapism. “Massive lack of personality” is a phrase coined by Simon that I am going to adopt into my personal vocabulary. Especially when referring to Kady Malloy. Turns out it was Queen’s “Who wants to live forever”. I didn’t even recognize it. I do not share the Kady love with Curly McDimple. Curly, she’s all yours, honey.

Amanda Overmyer – this bitch managed to completely ruin a Joan Jett song for me. And I didn’t even like it all that much to begin with, but now it’s become the bane of my existence. I don’t care how much ass Simon kissed, I still hate this woman and can’t wait until she’s no longer sullying my television screen. Sure, it didn't completely suck and this might have been her best performance to date, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while. I don’t like her and you can’t make me. And I’m drunk, so I’ll fight about it if necessary. I’m about to fight Craig just because I can and I'm feelin' frisky.

Carly Smithson – “I drove all night” gave me goose bumps. Her sustain was perfect and – dare I say it? I thought the song was flawless. She is definitely my pick for the winner out of the women. I hated the pants though, Carly. Somewhere, Laura Petrie is asking Rob where her sailor pants went. Beyond that, I thought it was sheer perfection. Simon, I officially break up with you. You never loved me anyway, and I’ve got to move on to someone who loves Carly as much as I do.

Paula: “You’re like a dependable dog.”
Me: “What the fuck?”

Kristy Lee Cook – Sang “Faithfully” by Journey. Didn’t quite hit it and was flat most of the song. My friend Craig and I were chatting during the critique about Paul being as high as bird twat when we noticed Paula and Simon doing something that seemed to be akin to canoodling.

Me: “What the fuck are they doing!?”
Craig: “It’s an intervention.”

Ramiele Maluby – Nailed “Against all odds”, but I actually agreed with Randy (forgive me) that she should find her confidence; it was clear she was lacking confidence and she certainly shouldn’t cause this little chickadee can wail. I don’t think she’ll win it, but I think she’s in it for a while. Overall I thought it was alright, and I think she's a safe bet to stay.

On a completely unrelated note, when you’re as drunk as Craig and I am, listening to Ryan Seacrest announce “Ramiele Mulaby!” sounded remarkably like “Ramalama Mybobo!” I’m just sayin’.

Update: Paula is completely out of control fucked up on God knows what. She rambled and prattled on about dogs and sweaters until I thought I was high. My friend Craig’s impression of Paula:

“I like your sweater. I like the color of your skirt. Your hair is perfect. Oh, and by the way, your song was pretty. Dogs.”

Brook White – made me long for the “Love is a Battlefield” video where Pat Benatar shimmies her 9-year-old-boy rack right at the camera because, well, it was so much more exciting than this. I dozed off during this performance and dreamed of 80’s hookers doing a choreographed dance number while wearing fringe and satin. It was awesome. I knew the judges would love it because I’m not even reading the same book as the judges this season. I was right. Paula went on about dogs again and I went to the fridge for another beer. I’m clearly not drunk enough.

By the time Syesha Mercado started singing, my friend Craig and I were already completely hammered and could no longer even hear the song because we were laughing too hard at her outfit. “She looks like the guy from the Cracker Jack box.” said Craig. I don’t remember much about her performance because I was laughing too hard, but what I can recall wasn’t all that bad. Since it didn't make me all stabby and murderous, I think it must have been a decent performance.

I promise to stay sober for the vote-offs, and there’s a promise you’ll never get from Paula.

Top 20: Results Recap

Well, kids, there you have it. Almost 31 million people voted this week, and apparently a lot of them actually like Amanda Overmyer and Luke Menard. Luke's cute, so I can get that, but WHO THE HELL IS VOTING FOR AMANDA?! Dialers, show thyself! (Oh, I totally forgot about Dial Idol. Let's go see who they predicted. Okay, they had it too close to call.)

Here's who will not be your next American Idol: Jason Yeager, Alexandrea Lushington, Alaina Whitaker and Robbie Carrico.

Here are some things from the show worth mentioning, says me:

- David Cook is wearing a tuxedo T-shirt. David Cook, why are you trying so hard to make me hate you?

- Robbie took my advice about never removing the bandanna and showing us his nasty wig again. (Thanks to Jess for the link -- awesome name, lady.)

- Davd Archuleta was inconsolable during Alexandrea's singout. Ryan Seacrest also seemed a little choked up. That, or he finally hit puberty.

- Cat Deeley from So You Think You Can Dance? was in the audience. Love her!

And now, some announcements:

- March 11th: Top 12. Ruben Studdard recorded the new exit song. Nigel and company finally got their grubby little hands on the Lennon/McCartney song book, which means Beatles week. Prediction: Michael Johns will sing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds and David Cook will sing Helter Skelter. Anyone want to bet me? Ooooh, I'm sensing a contest coming up! Stay tuned.

- April 9th: "Idol Gives Back." Last year, they raised 75 million dollars for Katrina victims and Africa, and won an Emmy. This year, they're going to have; Brad Pitt, Miley Cyrus, Reese Witherspoon, Mariah Carey, Daughtry and Carrie Underwood.

- Robbie Carrico has an insanely beautiful girlfriend for a former boy bander with a bad wig and an identity complex.

Check in for new updates early next week. I'm unemployed and have a new laptop on the way -- I may even post that shit DAILY!

Recap: We've Finally Gone to Hollywood

I was going to post this last night, but I got rather zealous in my note-taking, and when it was all over, my four pages of typed notes were too daunting to organize. I'm not going to focus on everyone; just who I thought was interesting in either a good or bad way, or who we're going to be seeing a lot of, for better or for worse. I'm also going to agree and disagree with some of Melissa's assessments. Here we go!

If there's one thing we can all take away from Hollywood Week, it's that just because you can play an instrument, doesn't mean you should. Also, Bryan Adams is universally loved among Idol wannabees, and universally reviled by me.

I'd like to echo Melissa's statement about the lie that is being shoved down our throats this season; that this is the BEST TALENT POOL IN IDOL HISTORY. No it isn't, Ryan Seacrest. Shut up. And put a tie on; you look like you just woke up at a stranger's house after a coke bender.

DAY 1

Brooke White: Unlike Melissa, I kind of like The Alleged Mormon. I dig her voice and sunshiny energy. Mormons seem like a happy people.

Leo Marlowe: You know this guy isn't going to get through as long as Danny Noriega is still in the running. There's no way we're going to have two obviously gay Idol hopefuls. One of each stereotype, please.

Jack Mellema: A perfect example of someone who should not play an instrument while singing. Drums, really? It's kind of hard to sell yourself as a charismatic front man while sitting behind a drum kit. He came across like a singer in a depressing bar catering to unhappy middle-aged married people looking to escape the doldrums of their unfulfilled lives with booze and flirting.

David Hernandez: Really good, though I fear we've found this season's Elliott Yamin -- a gifted singer who will be overshadowed by pretty boys and big personalities.

Amanda Overmyer, AKA The Rock 'n' Roll nurse. I'm with Melissa on this one. Also, I think the black part of her hair is a wig.

Ghaleb Emachah: Is he Britney's paparazzi boyfriend? I think he is. The ladies love him. Why, exactly? White suit jacket, people. Only Don Johnson can pull that off, when it's 1982.

DAY 2

Josiah Leming: I'll be referring to him as Cult Kid, but will still type out his first and last name for the Google traffic. I hate this kid. Like, a lot. I'm glad the homeless have access to keyboards with which to DEFILE MIKA, my boyfriend. He kind of reminds me of Leo DiCaprio as the homeless kid on Growing Pains, without the actual homeless, cute or likeable parts.

Danny Noriega: Kicks ass. I want him to be my gay boyfriend.

Ramiele Malubay: I love her! That little wisp of a girl is adorable, and sings her heart out.

Carly Smithson: Love her. I ant to go get tattoos with her. I, too, noticed the blue tongue, but I thought it was more on the black side, which I thought may have been due to an overdose of Pepto for the nerves. I'm a frequent Pepto abuser, you see, so I know all about that. Maybe it was a blue lozenge, though.

Michael Johns: I want him to eat chocolate off of my stomach.

Now onto the Bryan Adams portion of the evening. David Cook, aka, Daughtry 2.0. He's okay. Robbie Carrico, aka Britney Fucker, sounded pretty good. Jessica Brown, Perrie Cataldo, Syesha Mercado. I'm officially sick of Bryan Adams.

Colton Berry: Not much to say about the singing, but his name makes him sound like a Gossip Girl character.

Kyle Ensley: Reminds me of Dasit from The White Rapper Show, but not as good. Jesus Christ, I watch a lot of reality television.

DAY 3

Suzanne Toon, the single mother who looks like the chick from Lost and Roswell, is out. Pierre Cataldo, the single dad with the cute kid, is also out. Amy Flynn, aka Abstinance Chick or Sparkles, which is my preference, is out, and thank God, because that chick annoys the shit out of me. Later, shrieky. Jeffrey Lampkin and his 300 pounds of jolly are through. Kristy Lee Cook is also through, even though she can only sing one song. Angela Martin, she with the saddest story about the dead dad, is going home, which makes me sad because I really liked her.

DAY 4

David Archuleta: Dug him. This season's whiz kid, I'm guessing.

Kyle Ensley: This season's Kevin Covais, if the judges keep him.

Jeffrey Lampkin: Out.

Joey Catalano: Listening to him made my teeth feel filmy like spinach.

Syesha Mercado: Great legs. Kicked ass. She's through.

Michael Johns: Sang "Bohemian Rhapsody." He rocked it. Not as hard as Suzie McNeil on Rockstar: INXS (Watch it. NOW.), but it's hard to top that. Chocolate. My stomach. Go.

Carly Smithson: Alone. Rocked it.

Asia'H Epperson: Kicked ass. Hard to pull off white pants, but she did.

Brooke Helvie: Her Elle Woods-esque novelty wore off for me. Later, queenie.

Josiah Lemini, aka Cult Kid: Randy and me hated it. Paula and me hated it. Simon called him annoying. I agree. Three yeses anyway. I hated this stupid show sometimes.

Let's see how the Top 24 spoilers we posted are holding up, shall we?

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

I notice there's no Cult Kid on that list, which would make me really, really happy. Fingers crossed that the fucker goes home, er, I mean, to his car.

Hollywood Week Tuesday Recap

It’s here, kiddos. Hollywood week. Where dreams are made and murdered in a matter of minutes. We get to witness as “You’re going to Hollywood!” turns into “You’re going back home because we don’t exercise good judgment and we somehow overlooked the fact that you suck ass.” in the blink of an eye.

Kicking off Hollywood week:

Brook White – Horrific, if I’m being honest, while singing Carole King’s “Beautiful” and playing the keyboard. I have no idea what the hell the judges were listening to when they told her she was fan-fucking-tastic. Maybe they were listening to Carole King sing it herself on their iPods. That’s all I can figure. I’m definitely not on the same page as the judges yet this season... which is no big surprise. I rarely am.

More bad singing ensued. Nothing memorable, and from no one we’ll ever hear sing again.

Alisha Dixon – What the hell?

Alyssa Coco – got about 3 notes out of her yap before Simon shut her up. Thank you, Simon. Have I told you lately that I love you?

Shaun Burrows – Lame. I can’t take any more of this shit where the contestants are playing instruments. I hope this is a one-time deal, and it doesn’t carry over into the future seasons. It sucks. It sucks ASS. And it’s not helping any of the contestants so far. Quite the contrary.

I refuse to comment on every single person singing while they’re playing drums badly, guitar badly, keyboards badly.

Thank you David Hernandez for NOT playing a fucking instrument. Sang a soulful-cum-jazzy version of CSNY’s “Love the one you’re with” and honestly, it was pretty damn badass. I didn’t like all the note-runs and twists and turns, but he’s definitely got some bangin’ vocal power. You GO, David Hernandez.

Amanda Overmyer – “The Rock & Roll nurse”, which I’m sure we’re going to get to hear for the entire season. I’m sick of her stupid dye job. Is it just me or does she sound a bit like she’s had too much dairy and has some sort of cream cheese bubble in her throat? I am no longer enamored of her. STOP REFERRING TO THIS BITCH AS JANIS-LIKE. Monotony? Yes. A whole heapin’, steamin’ pile of it.

Buck Smith – Bo Bice called, he wants his look back. And he told me to tell you “My hair is BROWN, bitch!”

Ghaleb Emachec - One word: smarmy. Another word: craptastic.

Day Two in Hollywood started off with Ryan lying his ass off by saying “this year the talent is better than ever.”

Josiah-living-in-his-car-Leming – again with the stupid fake British accent coming out of his hillbilly mouth. Sounds like he’s listened to way too much Keane. Simon is going to remember this audition out of all the auditions, he said. Randy pledged his undying love to Josiah. Paula slipped her room key to him.

Carly Smithson – The only thing I was able to focus on was her bright blue tongue. Why the blue tongue, Carly? Somewhere, a smurf is blissfully smoking a cigarette.

David Cook – Almost couldn’t get past his 1995 Christy Turlington hair style. Also had a blue tongue… which makes me wonder if they’re passing around blue lozenges back stage or if I should just strike while the iron is hot and start the rumors about David and Carly myself.

The last contestant of Day 2 – Kyle Ensley, the curly-mopped governor-wannabe from Oklahoma who likes deer jerky. Murdered – no, slaughtered “Love grows where my Rosemary goes.” “A little corny” Paula said, because she clearly has no idea what corn even is.

Perrie Cataldo – Got his last chance on Day 3, and his singing wasn’t nearly as bad as many of the warbling no-talent yahoos that made it through. He got his walkin’ papers.

I’m officilally drunk now.

Amy Flynn – I beseech you Randy, Simon & Paula: PLEASE send this annoying little virgin home. Aaaaaaaand thank you.

Angela Martin – should just get signed by a label already. She’s better than having to compete with Jeffrey Lampkin for a title like “Idol”. She’s just fantastic and – I’m not being snarky at all right now for some reason – she really deserves a contract.

Syesha - is my current bet for the winner. She just looks like a star, and God Almighty, she did the Queen of Soul proud with her raspy, sexy turn at “Chain of Fools”. Sing it, sister.

Michael Johns – Didn’t think it was the best audition of the day, as Simon did, but I did think performed well if not a little bland for my taste. He was hoarse enough to have to strain to reach a few notes but wise enough to pull back a little where it was necessary and managed to play it off very nicely .I’m so sad that I saw that wedding band on his left hand. Damn. Cause I was so gonna marry that guy.


Carly Smithson – Rocked the Hell out of pretty bad Heart song. I really didn’t want to like her, but damn it, she made me like her with this last performance.

Brooke Helvie – I really didn’t want to like her, and I succeeded wildly. The begging and pleading were unbearable. Her tearful, dramatic commentary “I just wish I was given a fair chance, like everyone else.” has to be the most ridiculous, narcissistic statement I’ve heard like, ever. She got more chances than most people in the world will ever have, and way, WAY more than she deserved. GO HOME, Prissy.

HATEFUL RANT WARNING: Sick and fucking tired of Josiah. This little turd isn’t “comfortable” with the band. God. How do you go on? He’s a monumental drama queen and a smarmy little prima donna. Shut up. Go sleep in your car, fucktard. The grandstanding to dismiss the band was nauseating, as was his fucked up Radiohead-meets-a-British-palsy-sufferer rendition of “Stand by Me” which sucked so bad I got a hickey. Simon nailed him to a wall with the “over-confidence” remark and made him cry like the little bitch that he is, and the sad-puppy camera fucking was enough to make me drink until I black out. I officially hate his drama queen guts. I am not looking forward to having to watch him in the episodes to come. I feel a hateful curse comin’ on.

Tomorrow, the revealing of the Top 24; we get to watch as more bleary-eyed, teary-eyed wannabes and also-rans get sent packing with their tails between their legs, and we get to meet the 24 contestants we’ll be watching get hacked to pieces for the rest of the season!

Woo! Bring it!

Audition Recap: Atlanta

Dear Ryan Seacrest: Please don't wear graphic tees with blazers anymore. It hurts me. Thanks in advance. Love, Jess.

Now, onto my real-time notes with no time stamps or context. In other words, you had to be there.

Josh Jones: Cute. Kind of weird. Tells bad jokes. Didn't love the voice. I do hope he makes it to the Top 24, though. Wanna know why? Because I want him to be this season's camera fucker and FUCK ALL OF US WITH HIS DEMON EYES! He can skull fuck the audience at home, as opposed to Justin Guarini, who made sweet love to us, tenderly, with his soulful eyes. And yes, I do blame Justin Guarini for the fact that we have numerous camera fuckers each season. I do think Ace Young was the worst offender, though. The scar. Dear God, the scar.

(Side note: I made the most kickass eggplant and chicken casserole for dinner, which I'm eating right now. I'm pretty proud of myself, as it was all improv. Also, Go Obama!)

J.P. Tjelmeland: Sweetie, you don't have star quality. Stop auditioning. Seriously. Also, what is your nationality with that last name (genuinely curious), and why are you dressed like me circa 1993 when I shopped exclusively at PacSun, hung out with skater boys, and listed "Scribbling Jane's Addiction lyrics into the margins of my notebooks" as my favorite pastime?

Why are we seeing people from all of the other audition cities while illustrating how unable to dispel criticism Paula Abdul is? Is it just so we can see just how many items of clothing she has in her closet in animal print?

Asia'h Epperson: Sad story. Not to be catty (because really, when would I ever do that?), but why did Paula compliment her on her outfit? I mean, she wasn't wearing a stripper dress or a statue of liberty costume, but really, she had some decent jeans and a shapeless top on. The hell? Simon liked her smile, and I agree. I also think Paula is drunk. "That's where passion comes from." What? Where? I won't give Paula shit for crying, though. I admit, I got misty. Plus, I cry a lot when I'm hammered, too.

Oh, shut up. None of you bitches are as sweet as a Georgia peach.

Brooke Helvie: She is so completely terrible in every way that she's crossed over into awesome. I get the feeling that the judges didn't actually want to put her through, but the producers dictated it. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Simon: "Possibly the most annoying person I have ever seen in my life." Annoyingly awesome!

Ryan, why are you dressed like a 10-year old boy going golfing with his dad for the first time?

Eva Miller: Has anyone else fallen down during their audition? That ruled. So did her awful audition. I call bullshit on a lot of people, but I have to disagree with Simon here. She's for real. I'm sure of it. White leggings and all. White leggings, really? I so wanted her to grab Simon's package during the hug.

(Side note: People, stop saying you've been singing since you were a child. All children, save for the mute, sing. It doesn't prepare you for a career in music.)

Ryan is adorable with the old ladies.

Alexandrea Lushinton: It was good, but um, did no one notice that OH MY GOD SHE IS TOTALLY A 16-YEAR OLD MELINDA DOOLITTLE AND SHE EVEN SANG A MELINDA DOOLITTLE SONG? Not to state the obvious or anything.

The bad: Michael Gregory (who I found oddly endearing), Chris Lars (raped and pillaged right after the audition) and Jared Wiley (What?!)

Nathan Hite: I so would have made out with this guy in high school. I'm not sure I would have admitted it afterward, though. Dude, stop talking and go. Seriously. I know you're 16 and obnoxious, but go home. Really. The parents seemed as uncomfortable with the "spooning" comment as I did.

Amanda Overmyer: I have fond Janis Joplin memories. I hear Janis and I think about my mom and I doing dishes when I was a kid, dancing around the kitchen and singing along to Pearl. We do a sweet "Me and Bobby McGee," with harmony and everything. This show is KILLING MY MEMORIES. Paula proclaimed her "this season's Chris Daughtry" as if that's a good thing. "Hey, we have this season's generic rocker with no unique talent and charisma. Go us!"

Homeless Kid: Okay, he has a name, and it's Josiah Leming, which sounds like the next cult messiah's name. I do not feel bad for this kid. He had a home, had a family, and he dropped out of school and decided to live in his car. Unless this kid was beaten or molested at home, he's an idiot. Oh, and Madonna called. She wants her fake British accent back. And of course Paula likes him. She's an idiot, too. Really, we're going to have to see this kid again? UGH.

There you have it, folks. I guess we have some bullshit clip show tomorrow, and then next week, finally, thankfully, we're on to Hollywood week. I'm counting the minutes.

Monday News Update

Kiddies, mama's got a splitting headache and a gag reflex on the brink of collapse so drop everything and listen up (and get the bucket and mop ready) because it's news roundup time and I'm in no mood (or state) to dilly-dally.

Actually, by all rights, it really should have been news roundup time hours ago when you people were bored at work and desperate for a distraction but, well, some of us don't have the luxury of wasting time and fucking around on The Man's dime.

Um, to clarify, the preceding statement should be translated as dripping with jealousy as opposed to a finger-wagging guilt trippy kind of thing.

God, I feel like ass but I will sally forth. However, it's really hard to combat the urge to puke and/or faint when I'm faced with images such as this during my quest to find you some news:

God damn you, TMZ. Damn you to hell.

Man, you know it's a slow news day when Seacrest's flab is the lead item. Here are the rest of the day's paltry headlines:

Former Tricycle Driver on 'American Idol'
I don't actually have anything to add to this news story. Hell, I didn't even read it because I can't quite get past the headline. I'm technically a former tricycle driver myself but it's not like I put it on my resume or call it out as a special skill when granting interviews. I suppose we should be grateful that the publication didn't choose to tout Renaldo Lapuz's graduation from diapers to big-boy undies. (Global Nation)

'American Idol' Invites Us to Ask Blake Lewis 'Nearly Anything'
Oooh! Oooh! I've got one, Blake. First-time caller, long-time listener, here and I just have to know... Why are you such a colossal douche? Thanks in advance for answering! (AmericanIdol.com; TMZ.com)

That is all. To the Pepto!

Premier Night notes after busting the Internets

I tried the whole “simultaneous live blogging” thing with the ladies in NYC, but somehow, I kept breaking the internets. So I jotted notes the whole time instead. Here’s my take on the American Idol Season 7 Premier:

8:33 – I want to hug Temptress, but I’m afraid she’ll snap me like a dry twig.

8:39 - Mark Hayes. White Christmas? Really? Somewhere, Bing Crosby just crapped his skeleton panties.

8:50 - Alexis Cohen and her Rainbow Brite mysteriously color changing lipstick. Her plan was to knock the judges “on” their feet. And that she did. Performed “Don’t you want somebody to love” and apparently patterned her performance after Jim Carey in “The Cable Guy”. Clearly, she gets her classy attitude from her mother. And Simon is a big, fat bad word.

*We’re on “Day 2” now, and apparently it’s all about being a screeching harpy.

8:17 - Milo Turk. “sex is weak”. I don’t doubt that, Milo. But I think Paula wanted to hear the 3rd verse.

9:20 - Kristy Lee Cook - All-American. America’s next Sweetheart. The girl next door. Likes horses and kicking burly men in the pills. I really want to hate her guts because she’s so damn cute and perky and talented. So, I think I will.

9:28 – Benjamin Haar – CAN’T. LOOK. AWAY. HAIRY, BIKINI-CLAD FAT GUY. MY RODS AND CONES ARE ALL WHACKED OUT. MUST GO POKE OUT MY MIND’S EYE.

9:28 - Pedro Rivera. What?

9:30 - Paul Marterano – Creepy McCreeperson with the creepy stalker song. Somebody call the police. Seriously. Randy was enjoying it too much. SECURITY!
PS – was it wrong that I derived some enjoyment from watching this guy?

9:32 - Beth Stalker – her real name, just irony that she followed an actual stalker. I gotta go with Simon on this one. Way too stylized vocally. I don’t think she’d be any good during BeeGees week.

9:39 – Benjamin Haar is back in his bikini, completely waxed. He had all of his Haar removed but – woops! He didn’t do anything about his massive crack hanging out. But of course, I didn't see it because I'd already gauged out both of my eyeballs.

9:14 – Chris Watson – Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Sounds pretty good, too. I’d buy his albums, even though auditioned with an Uncle Kracker song. As Jess & I discussed, we wouldn’t have any aversions to, say, eating fruit off of him if somebody made us do something like that. He’s got my vote for his season’s Justin Guarini, but with less clowny hair.

9:50 - Christina Tellisano – better known as Princess Leia. “Men love me.” C3PO dance moves during audition made me drool, and not in a good way. Best part of her audition: when her Princess Leia Cinnabon-hair fell off after she got the boot. Best quote from Christina Tellisano, who was dressed as Princess Leia, when talking about all of the contestants that went through to Hollywood after she was passed up: “they’re all an imitation of something else!”
Did I mention she was DRESSED AS PRINCESS LEIA?

9:53 - Brooke White – nauseating back story including nauseating video footage. Made me want to vom. Has never seen a rated “R” movie. Look at me, I’m Sandra Effing Dee. I’m nowhere near as impressed with her vocal talents as, say, Randy was. Then again, I don’t want to get in her pants like Randy does.

So far, it’s looking like a snooze fest for Season 7 of American Idol.

Tomorrow night’s audition show was filmed in my hometown of Dallas, Texas! Judging by the previews of tomorrow night’s show, this’ll be the last time I ever claim to be from Dallas in a public forum.

One final thought: did anybody besides me notice Randy's huge, right-angle mutton chop sideburns?

Premiere Night Liveblogging

7:46: Salsa and chips in bowl. Drinks poured. Mejack and Jess in attendance, waiting.

7:48: Curly buzzed in.

7:59: Pizza ordered.

8:01: Mejack: I read in the Post that it's even meaner this year. Curly: What? Meaner than making fun of retarded people?

8:02: We're in Philly!

8:05: Joey Catalano. Like Jordan Catalano. But not really. Underwhelming.

8:13: The room collectively calls bullshit on Yuka, the wannabe Borat who claims to be from Egypt.

8:20: Tour guide James Lewis. Deaf Lurch. Also, why is Paula Abdul wearing a white bra under a sheer black shirt?

8:28: Mejack on Jonathan Baines: Oh, look! It's Timothy McVeigh!

8:30: Jess: I want to see Temptress Brown tackle Ryan Seacrest. Mejack: Ryan still plays for pee-wee.

8:33: Okay, seriously? (This is Jess) Why do they give us a backstory just to have the person suck? Poor Temptress Brown. It's so mean! Meaner than Simon, even.

8:50: Curly on Udi: Oh please, don't let him be from New Jersey.

8:52: Collective laughs over the awesome blond girl screaming, "I Love Rock 'n' Roll"

9:00: Alexis Cohen. Mejack: This is making my tooth hurt. (Also, she woke up the cat.)

9:01: Randy Jackson says 'Peace, Love and Chicken Grease.' No comment necessary.

9:03: Mejack: "Wiggle Ammonia?" What does that mean? I (Jess) immediately started laughing, and then crying, and then hyperventilating. Curly: She said "legally moon you."

9:13: Mr. Mejack arrives. Eats pizza.

9:16: Curly, on Christina Tolisano, the wackjob with the Princess Leia hair: She looks like the chick from Dodgeball.



9:26: Jess: I LOVE Paula's eye makeup. Any makeup artists out there that could help me with that?

9:39: An IM conversation with Melissa regarding Paul Marturano, the stalker:

Melissa: Holy shit that guy made me shit on myself.

Jess: Which one? Oh, we're behind. We paused the DVR.

Melissa: Oh. Sorry - you'll see him. He's the dude that sings TO PAULA. Uber creepy. Creepy McCreeperson.

Jess: With the cape?

Melissa: No - shortly after him. Seriously - like somebody should have called security...

Jess: OHMYGOD

Melissa: Yeah. Him. Seriously.

Jess: Peterfalkher!

Melissa: THAT WAS THE BEST PART

9:51: Chris Watson, the hot black guy with the dreads? OMG. I want to eat fresh fruit off of his chest. Or at least, I did, until I came to the unfortunate conclusion that he's going to be this season's camera fucker. (This is Jess, BTW)

Parting thoughts:

Mejack: None

Curly: Bring back the retards.

Jess: DUH.

In hindsight, we don't love liveblogging. So we're not gonna do it anymore, or at least not until we forget how much we didn't like it in the first place.

Friday News Update

Idol Gives Back a Buttload of Dough
30 million dollars, to be exact. And I'm not sure why Ryan Seacrest didn't mention it, but we here at American Midol have decided to match the funds raised! Pay up, Curly. Seriously, though, that’s awesome. (Gulf Times)

The King is Still Dead
I know – I really thought that was Elvis, too. The technical term for how they did that is rotoscoping. I thought it was some Star Wars hologram shit, but what do I know? (ABC News)

Simon Says, "Come Back To Me!"
Simon Cowell admitted to missing Sanjaya Malakar this week. And this, my friends, concludes my nonsexual love affair with Simon Cowell. (The Post Chronicle)

Pro-Lifers Poo-Poo on Everything
Pro-life groups are not happy with the charities "Idol Gives Back" has decided to donate money to, namely UNICEF and Save the Children, because they support abortion rights. They’ve even started a letter writing campaign. How very Christian of them. (Life News)

Momjaya: Pothead, Criminal
Sanjaya Malakar's mom was busted in 2005 for growing a whole bunch of pot plants. Sister Shyamali is apparently also a pothead, which would explain the naked guitar playing. Ah, how I miss my college days. (TMZ)

Paul Abdul, Unfugged!
The Fug girls say, "Well played!" I say, cute shoes, but I’m not loving the ruffle.

Phil Stacey is the Worst
With Sanjaya gone, Phil Stacey moves into the VFTW slot. Personally, I'd put Chris Richardson in there, despite his uber-adorableness (Chris, call me!), but I don't run the site.

And if you missed Sanjaya Malakar on Letterman this week, you missed all the, uh, fun, I guess.

Friday News Update

Is Ryan Seacrest's Future in Unattractive Eyewear?
According to Larry King, it could very well be. The creepy late-night host with a propensity for proving his virility with young trophy wives thinks Ryan Seacrest, of all people, is his suitable replacement when he retires. Seriously, Larry King? Oh wait… on second thought, if ridiculous overcompensation is the main prerequisite for landing the gig then well yes, Ryan is the heir apparent. (FishbowlLA)

Sanjaya Malakar: A Pundit's Perspective
Eugene Robinson, a top political correspondent from The Washington Post, weighs in on the Sanjaya issue. Glad to know that with the whole war in Iraq, upcoming presidential election and general brink of doom the word is teetering on, The Washington Post retains its perspective.

Jordin Scores a Touchdown with the NFL
Wow, I think I just took the crown for the most pat, unoriginal news headline ever. Go me! Rah rah sis boom bah and all that other shit. (People)

People Tend to Think Sanjaya Sucks, Blah Blah Blah
Concerned that Vote for the Worst is having an adverse effect on this season's results, VoteAgainstTheWorst.com was launched in an effort to restore "integrity" to the program. Um, have you actually seen those Ford commercials we're saddled with each week, Vote Against the Worst? Still going with the integrity thing, are ya? (TMZ)

Carrie Underwood Feels Icky Around Boys
Have you considered girls, Carrie? Namely me. I'll respect you in the morning, I swear. No really I will. And I won't blog about it. It will just be our secret. I couldn't be more serious. I mean it. Call me. I love you. (People)

Monday News Update

Ryan Seacrest Taps Jordin Sparks
To win, people... TO WIN. (People)

Speaking of Ryan's Homosexuality...
Dude, when you utter the phrase "deep tissue massage" in the same sentence as "Simon Cowell," it doesn't exactly do much in the whole dispelling rumors department. (Daily News)

We're Not Alone in our Annoyance
It seems Sanjaya's fellow contestants are none too pleased with his indestructibility. You might even say they're pissed. My guess is that it's Haley Scarnato leading the backstage backlash because Sanjaya's stealing her sucky thunder. She's actually the worst, dammit, and she wants y'all to recognize. (TMZ)

The Creepy 'Idol' Bandleader: Unmasked
Everything you wanted to know about Rickey Minor! Actually, I'm not sure anyone cares but I was in desperate need of non-Sanjaya-related filler. (CNN)

Elliott Sets a Record
Surprisingly, it wasn't in a fucked-up teeth contest. Congrats, Elliott! (Post Chronicle)

Tony Bennett Sings with Idols This Week
Here's hoping he didn't leave his hearing aid in San Francisco too.(Starpulse News Blog)

Results Show Recap

D'oh! My record for predicting cast-offs is no longer flawless. So long, Chris Sligh. I knew you were on your way out but I thought you had at least one more week in you. Alas, Haley Scarnato and her long legs tripped us both up.

Sigh... where's Jeff Gillooly when you need him?

Haley caused another stumble of sorts. Such a troublemaker, that one. Before throwing to a commercial, Ryan informed us that we'd find out who would join "Phil and Stacey" in the Bottom Three after the break. Later, Ryan corrected his mistake just as some dumb ass in the control room switched to a REALLY bad live shot thereby casting Hayley and a few others in an awkward light thereby making the correction null and void...

Not exactly crisp, precise production values tonight, huh?

Actually, while I'm on the subject, does the show really hate Haley or something? Did you catch Ryan's bitchy fake out when the Bottom Three were assembled? Ryan announced that he was about to send someone to safety. "HALEY," he said emphatically, leading her -- and us -- to believe that she was getting the pass back to safety. "You'll have to stand there another moment. Phil, you're safe." Meow, Ryan. MEEE-OW!

And then, as Simon predicted, Chris got the boot and I felt a little twinge of sadness because even though he started to bug me in recent weeks, he really was a nice fella. I actually paid attention to his tribute montage thingy (whilst plugging my ears so as not to hear that crap ass Daughtry song) because Chris was actually an entertaining contestant at one point. And then somewhere along the line, he got swallowed up by the show and the pressure that comes with it. The boy clearly lost his spark. I can't say for certain but I almost think that Chris is relieved his run is over and so he can go back to being chubby, cracking wise and worshipping Jesus (not necessarily in that order).

Gwen Stefani sounded much better live than I was anticipating. I still recall a particularly heinous rendition of "Spider Web" she performed on the MTV Video Awards some years back. She was so busy jumping around the stage, she became winded and ended up sounding like crap. However, now she makes silent Japanese girls do all the dancing for her so her voice doesn't get all ragged and screamy.

And because it seems no recap would be complete without at least some mention of Sanjaya or his hair, here's Ryan predictably getting in on the act...

Seriously, does anyone know how I can get a hold of Gillooly?

Thursday News Update

Sanjaya Starves People to Death
A woman calling herself "J" on MySpace has decided to go on a hunger strike until Sanjaya Malakar is voted off the show. You can read her profile, befriend her or call her a nutjob here. I'm thinking of joining her -- I've wanted to lose a few pounds anyway, and hunger strikes are way cooler than just starving yourself for no reason. Anyone else wanna join me? (Access Hollywood)

Howard Stern Deserves a Beatdown
Who's voting for Sanjaya, you ask? Howard Stern fans. The shock jock took a page out of Vote for the Worst's playbook, urging listeners to vote for the Idol hopeful. I dig Howard and all, but I'm not sure I can live in a world where I see Sanjaya's mug as much as I see Taylor Hicks. (MTV.com)

Ryan Seacrest Digs Chicks
Despite Simon Cowell's uncomfortable urging of Ryan Seacrest to come out of the closet, sources close to the host say he's straight as an arrow. Ex-girlfriend Shana Wall, who hosts an online cooking show, tells In Touch that they had an "amazing and passionate relationship." I wrote a couple of Ryan is gay jokes and then deleted them, because I'm tired of his ambiguous sexuality. You hear that? No more Ryan is gay jokes! Ever! Anyone want to make a bet on how long I'll stick with that? (National Ledger)

Chris Sligh Hates Jesus
Some uptight Christian folks in Chris Sligh's hometown of Greenville, SC are a little concerned about his faith. It seems the mop-topped contestant was all about the Jesus tunes prior to being on the show, but has now -- gasp! -- sung a few songs that are not at all about faith in the Lord. In other news, uptight Christians in Chris Sligh's hometown of Geenville, SC really, really want him to lose the show. (South Bend Tribune)

And if you missed Paula Abdul's batshit crazy interview on Letterman Monday night, well, I suggest you get caught up with the rest of the cool kids:

Friday News Update

India Determines the Next American Idol?
This is all rumor, to be sure, but some sites are claiming that outsourced tech support workers in India may be using their speed-dialing capabilities to keep Sanjaya Malakar on the show. Not that I really believe it or anything -- I mean, we are talking about the same American public that crowned Taylor Hicks their American Idol last year, and buy Chris Daughtry's albums. Still, it's fun to spread unfounded, racially paranoid gossip! And don't miss the photo of Sanjaya's big sis in her Hooters uniform. (Tabloid Baby)

Kiki and Sanjaya BFFs
Speaking of Sanjaya, LaKisha Jones has taken the young lad under her wing, telling him not to listen to what anybody says and to keep doing his thing. I agree with this advice -- the more he does his thing, the less time he'll have left on the show. (TMZ)

Ryan Seacrest is Straight
Hilarious video of Seacrest's "straightest" moments. (Gawker)

Antonella Barba's Finest Moments
Do you sometimes lie in bed at night wishing you could hear Antonella Barba's rendition of Don't Want to Miss a Thing just one more time? But you erased it from your DVR. What now? That my friends, is what MySpace is for.

Taylor to KFC: No Way!
Taylor Hicks dropped 22 pounds since he's been off the show. How did he do it? More exercise, less fried chicken. In other news, Taylor Hicks is still retarded, still lying about being 30, and still has bad hair.

Simon Says No to Kinky Couple
In a 60 Minutes interview set to air on March 18th, Simon tells Anderson Cooper about a couple that invited Simon over to critique their lovemaking (ew, I said lovemaking) for $100,000. He didn't do it, but wishes he had just for the story. And I don't blame him. You should hear my stories about watching couples do each other. They're a huge hit at baptisms and wakes.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 8

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10

Analysis: Not only was Paula quite normal this past week, she even cracked a few jokes... successfully. I don't know what to make of this. However, Paula lost points for being MIA at the beginning of the live results show. Actually, no one would have even known but dumb ass Ryan Seacrest was all "Where's Paula? Is she even here?" I can always count on Ryan's piss-poor skills as a host to awkwardly expose the private details of the judges' lives. I mean, look how much insight we already have into his and Simon's life partnership, for example...

Also, Paula gets some demerits for expressing shock that Sundance Head was booted. Um, does Paula have ears? Or did she maybe saw them off in a drunken fit? I must state that preferring Sundance over Sanjaya Malakar is not insanity. Peddling the notion that Vagina Beard could have won the whole thing? Well, that shit could get you institutionalized.

How's That for Accuracy?!

God, we're good. Mejack and I went 4 for 4 in our predictions: Paul Kim, Amy Krebs, Nicole Tranquillo and Rudy Cardenas are all heading home. If only I were this spot-on at the dog track...

I don't have much in the way of a recap of tonight's episode. As a form of ridiculous protest, I'm going to refrain from full-on recaps of hour-long results shows. They are not necessary! It's 50 minutes of fluff and extended commercials for past Idol winners' new CDs and projects and maybe about 10 minutes of actual content. Bastards. I shake my fist at them. Only I'm allowed to waste my time, hello?

While I'm bitching, I have two things to say about Quincy Jones' appearance on tonight's show. First, the camera cut to him while he -- a legend in the music industry -- was fishing something out of his mouth. What was it? A hair? Some errant fuzz? Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Mogul or no, it's just not a flattering shot. Who directed this travesty?

Then, Ryan engaged Quincy Jones in some mindless banter about Fantasia's upcoming run in The Color Purple (Psst, Fantasia! It's a musical, not a play. Thanks!) and no sooner had Quincy opened his mouth to respond when Ryan handed off the mic to Fantasia and told her to hit it. What?!?! Did Ryan Seacrest just IGNORE Quincy Jones? Um, I don't think you're allowed to do that. Not with Quincy Jones... Or Oprah Winfrey. And even though I hate him, Tom Hanks also falls into this category. Oh, and Rip Taylor. But that goes without saying...

Tacky tacky tacky! However, I am happy to hear about the American Idol Challenge. All you have to do is answer a trivia question either online or via text message. (The former method is free for you concerned cheapskates.) Then your info gets entered into a weekly drawing to win $10,000, a trip to Los Angeles and tickets to an American Idol live show. Also, each entry makes you eligible to win the Grand Prize -- $100,000 a trip to Los Angeles and tickets to the American Idol finale. Not too shabby!

It should come as no suprise that I already entered. After all, mama needs a new pair of sensible shoes. Good luck, fellow applicants. No wait, I take that back. I want to win so why am I wishing you luck? Duh, Curly. Nothing a bit of the old Wiccan magic and a good hex can't fix...

Remember the San Antonio Recap

Is anyone else (besides you, Jess) as sick of the auditions as I am? Seriously, they seemed to drag on way longer this year. Last night's round in San Antonio was the last, thank God. However, tonight's episode is a montage of auditions good and bad from all seven cities Paula, Simon and Randy visited and ranked on. Dude, if they try to pad the season with another one of those roundups in mid-season, I'm going to start torching shit.

San Antonio, like the rest, failed to produce a real stand-out talent, in my humble opinion. I was briefly concerned that this year's crop of finalists would end up sucking balls but then I remembered that Elliott Yamin got NO camera time last year until Hollywood week. We never got to see his audition nor the back story of him and his manky teeth. But then he pleasantly surprised us several weeks into the competition (while his jacked-up grill continued to confound). My point, and I do have one, believe it or not, is that there may be some hidden showstoppers awaiting us, in addition to the usual band of ball suckers.

Speaking of suck, here's a rundown of a few of last night's performers:

Jasmine Holland
This was the shy girl who sang in a gospel choir and wore a shirt that read: "Peace Pure Love." Oddly enough, she was the same chick who unleashed a stream of profanity and had to be bleeped numerous times after she bitched out the judges. An interesting interpretation of peace and pure love, no? Shameful, the language on that Miss Holland. You kiss your preacher with that mouth, Jasmine?

The best part of that segment, however, had to be Jasmine's mother and her anti-Simon rant:

Jasmine's Mom: "What is he? French?

Ryan Seacrest: "Actually, he's British."

Jasmine's Mom: "Well then he needs to go back to British [sic] and be judge for British people. 'Cause he's not even American so how can he tell who sings and not sings?"

Because in the country of "British," people are deaf or immune to music? Music is silent outside of America? Americans have special ears? I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at, Jasmine's Mom. Are you a dumb ass or just a xenophobe? Or both? I can't quite tell. My people hail from "British" so maybe that's why I can't quite hear your message.

Haley Scarnato
This was the attractive chick wearing the all black, stylish one-piece who engaged in a weird hand-shaking session and fashion discussion with Paula before her audition leading me to exclaim, "Paula has a girl crush! Paula has a girl crush!"

While Haley's voice was just okay, Simon put her through to Hollywood because she was hot. Randy approved of her as well, I think. I can't say for sure because I stopped paying attention to him about... uh, since I started watching the show. Randy's insignifcant, dawg.

Paula quite eagerly punched Haley's ticket to Hollywood because, well, I think she really wants to punch Haley's ticket when they get to Hollywood, if ya catch my drift. (Psst... I just suggested that Paula Abdul possesses homosexual tendencies and is vulnerable to acting on such same-sex impulses in an effort to restore her fractured sense of self-worth and stabilize her erratic emotional state caused in part by low self-esteem coupled with severe chemical dependence. Or something.)

Ashlyn Carr
Uh, how fucked up do one's facial expressions have to be when even Paula Abdul refers to them as "weird"? That's about as insulting as Ted Kennedy giving you a lecture on the perils of drunk driving into or near bodies of water.

Weird ticks aside, Ashlyn made it to Hollywood. Whether she gets her ass kicked by her roommates remains to be seen.

News Roundup

Greetings! One-fifth of your favorite "pseudo-intellectual satirist" team has just returned from Ireland, where I dutifully watched a little bit of the Memphis auditions during football half-time (soccer for you Americans). I still have a couple of hours to catch up on, so I'll stick with the news until I've done so. I do, however, love Sean Michel, the homeless-looking hippie dude who sang Johnny Cash. I want to do bong hits with him. Anyway, the news:

Simon Cowell hates technology, music, often rubs two sticks together to make fire. Guess that means he'll never read American Midol. (AZ Central)

Katharine McPhee releases her highly-anticipated (couldn't even type that with a straight face) debut album. If you're curious to hear what all the fuss is about, but loathe to shell out the big bucks to do so, it's your lucky day, because AOL Music is streaming that bitch for free. (WTOP)

Armed & Famous cancelled due to poor ratings, leading TV execs and the media to the shocking conclusion that if you want a new show, an old show or any show, really, to succeed, you might not want to air it opposite American Idol. (Canada.com)

Chris Daughtry's debut album hits #1. In related news, Americans have really shitty taste in music. (93X Rocks)

Everything you never wanted to know about what went on behind the scenes at the Birmingham auditions. (MyFox Birmingham)

When drunk and incoherent, it's always best to blame Simon Cowell. Riiiight, Paula. (Access Hollywood)

And there you have it. I'd also like to address a couple of search terms that have recently brought visitors to the site. First, to the person who got here by searching for "mean american idol bloggers suck," I'm terribly sorry you feel that way. And for the individual searching for Ryan Seacrest's height, the official party line is 5'8", but since short guys always add an inch or two, I'm guess he's actually around 5'6" or 5'7". Has anyone stood next to him? If so, kindly weigh in.

Hollywood is New Jersey with Celebrities

NYC Represent!!

First of all, the NYC auditions happened at Chelsea Piers -- which I CAN SEE FROM MY OFFICE WINDOW!!! How did I not know that this was happening?? I could have had an EXCLUSIVE of the auditions after I went and gawked at everyone and ran back to my PC at work and wrote a bit of a draft then leftit there for hours while I frantically IM'd Jess and Curly in ALL CAPITALS to emphasize (and probably exaggerate if not out and out lie about) what I just saw. Then I would have stayed late at work to finish my masterpiece of a post and it would probably have turned out to a run-on grammatical calamity as they all are (I am, after all an ACCOUNTANT) -- and then I would have gone home squawking about the injustices of working late. Or something. But I digress.

So NYC auditions. The extra judge -- Carol something or other. I seem to remember Ryan SeaQuest rambling on about her resume -- I think she wrote some songs and stuff and she knew Dionne Warwick or something but I was too transfixed by her Alexis Carrington hairdo to remember what he said.

The trouble with trying to recap the auditions is that there are so many people to talk about. I suppose I can't get through this without mentioning that MORON Ian Benardo who actually was on the local news following the show as well as on the cover of the fricken NY Post. There is NO WAY this guy was for real. The whole "Gloria" thing? Yeah, Pawl Bawldwin called and wants his accent back but Thanks For Playing! I did, however, find it uproariously funny when he demanded to see Simon's working visa and that he called Hollywood "New Jersey with celebrities." But again, NO WAY this is for real. Gawker has splendid coverage of it here.

Now, call me callous, but I wanted to smack of the girl who lied to her parents and went to NYC to audition and was sobbing about how she j-j-just wanted her d-d-daddy to be pr-pr-proud of her. Boo hoo. Of course she makes it to Hollywood and she calls her dad -- with SeaQuest in tow -- and everything is just GROOVY and the dad says -- on speakerphone -- how proud he is and then the girl hugs SeaQuest and all is right with the world again. Right. If I EVER did that -- if I made the show or not -- I would have never even got to Hollywood because my dad would have KICKED THE CRAP out of me and would have probably beat up SeaQuest too.

Aside from that, the rest of the show was a blur. I did enjoy the crazy bitch, Sarah Goldberg, who thought she was a perfect choice as the next American Idol because she COULD NOT sing. Outstanding. She went on this maniacal rant at how the judges were rude for being judgmental of her singing. As if they were judges in a singing competition. Oh wait.

There was also the equally outstanding Isadora "Don't Call Me Julie" crazy palm reader at the end who said she sounded like Janis. AND Led Zeppelin -- who she seemed to think was a Person. That Led Zeppelin guy. Right.

There's more. There was the balls out chick from Queens who likened herself to Rocky, the Jersey Shore twits (who reminded me way too much of my cousin Carmella) who were definitely judged by Simon's weiner, the drama mama Ashanti who had a nervous breakdown in front of millions of viewers, and the fucking excellent Rachel Zevits. I love that she sang a Jeff Buckley song. I loved how she appeared to be some lunatic cracked out tweaker but instead ended up being ENORMOUSLY talented. So far, she is my favorite. It's still early though.

Hello Pot? This is Kettle.

Now you have gone and done it, Simon. Rosie is pissed.

So before I get into it- Yes, I know the sole purpose of this thing is to make fun of everyone on that show. I do think, however, that there is a fine line between good natured fun and outright cruelty. I think that line was crossed over and over last night. I mean, it's one thing to show brief clips of bad singers- that's funny. Showing a backstory that just set up someone's embarrassing downfall? Not so much. I agree with Jess on the whole ringer thing- I think a lot of that was rigged- but what was the point of humiliating the one chick who cried about her kid and her husband? All that did was make me hate the show a little bit and consider watching the "Friday Night Lights" rerun instead.

Onwards.

So I got all swoony over Tommy Daniels. I think he is going to go really far. I would say that he could be my boyfriend but I would not want to say something so early in the season that could possibly bite me in the ass later on. (Like how last February Jess said she wanted to be in an Ace Young/Chris Daughtry sandwich. I am sure she regrets that. I keep bringing it up to make sure.)

I thought the beat box guy was great. I also liked the guy who sang "Faithfully" - but I suspect he will piss me off Ace Young style before long. Who was really great was the 16 year old girl at the end who, apparently, already has a wikipedia page. It was so ridiculous how you heard Simon murmuring how she was one of the best singers while she was performing and when she finished he squawked "UNoriginal NOT unique...bla bla bla" Did she did not appeal to Simon's weiner? The ones who DID appeal to Simon's weiner got sent through with a winky wink. This chick did not get a winky wink. Simon agreed to send her through after he found out her dad was in the NFL. As I suspected all along, Simon is a big sissypants.

The most cringe-worthy moment of the night for me was when that freako who went by "Carlene" busted into that demented bunny-hop when she started singng Baby Got Back. I actually changed the channel. I also cringed when the Really Tall Chick stood next to Ryan Seacrest. The editors of that show seem hell bent on proving that Seacrest is, in fact, short.

Randy- WTF DAWG? You are not the mean one. Simon is the mean one. You are the "yo dawg I am not feeling you bro" guy. Stop being mean. It makes me feel icky.

In conclusion, I did learn two very important things last night:

1. Hot pink stirrup arm tights are ALWAYS a good idea.

2. If you give yourself the moniker "The Hotness" then perhaps others will follow suit.