Birmingham, the Recap

And this, my friends, is the point in the season where I say to myself, "Holy Mary Mother of God, can we get to fucking Hollywood already?"

Birmingham, blah. Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, Bo Bice, blah. Why does Birmingham have to hog all of the American Idols?

Anyway, let's go. First up was Erika Skye, who bears more than your passing resemblance to Stephanie Klein and sang a screamy rendition of "Unchained Melody" that made my brain hurt. I'm not going to go into everyone else -- just the ones I feel like talking about.

Jamie Lynn Ward. Now, her father shot her mother and then himself, leaving him paralyzed in a wheelchair. We weren't told the mother's fate, but she doesn't live in the house so I'm guessing it's not good. It's a sad story, and it makes her this season's Kellie Pickler. But here's the thing. I may hate The Pickler now, but I really liked her after the audition. Why? Because she had a sad story and she sang the crap out of "Since U Been Gone." Jamie Lynn Ward did not sing the crap out of "Reflection." Had she been a regular girl without a good backstory, we wouldn't have even seen her audition, and she certainly wouldn't have made it to Hollywood.

Now, Chris Sligh. He also didn't sing the shit out of "Kiss From a Rose," but he said he was there to make David Hasselhoff cry, and for that he should be the next American Idol. Let's review: Dad shoots mom, self. Go home. Snarky comment about David Hasselhoff. You're the next American Idol. My heart is black and my soul is cold.

Last but now least, Brandy Patterson. Delusional and with an attitude up to here, she poured kerosene on "Like a Virgin," lit it on fire and then danced on the ashes. I mean, just, wow. The best part was Simon's reaction to her. I love it when Simon, who is so reserved, bursts into laughter. And when he said, "Call me," and she said, "I don't want to call you," and he said, "Yes you do," and they went on and on, I burst out laughing. I love me some Simon Cowell.

Paula was mysteriously absent on Day 2 of Birmingham. Did she really have "family business"? Was she too drunk to go on? Did the lack of talent in Birmingham send her over the edge? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this year's American Idol will not be from Alabama.

Link it up, baby:

Death by Camera has the Memphis contestant's MySpace Profiles.

EW has the full recap

As does TWoP

Better Late Than Never Newsbrief

As if I needed an excuse to be even crankier on this blog (and in real life, if I'm being honest), I've been engaged in a frustrating battle with my Internet connection for the past several hours and I.am.not.happy.about.it. The error pages and slow page loads have left me feeling extra salty. But it's your lucky day because I'm funneling my inner bitch into today's daily news digest. So, buckle up, bitches.

"We're no crueler this year," claim the Idol judges and producers in response to criticism that they've been too aggressive in the new asshole-tearing they've been doing this season. In other words, they've always been skewering Special Olympians from day one. Oh, I see. It's just that us assmunches didn't notice until now. Gotcha. (People.com; Reality Blurred)

If you're feeling a tad nosy, fire up your iTunes and check out the playlists of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Chris Daughtry, Kellie Pickler, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood, Bo Bice and even Randy Jackson.

Surprisingly, no Journey was included in the latter's list. You tricked me, dawg! I was totally expecting some "Wheel in the Sky." Actually, no... that's not true. How silly of me. Randy didn't play bass on that track so why would he include it? I guess I meant to say that I was totally expecting some latter-day Journey that Randy played bass on. Um, I'd cite specific song titles and albums but really, do you even care? I sure as hell don't.

Once again Pickler proves that she's a dumb ass of monumental proportions. See, she first earned this distinction with her (albeit short-lived) dalliance with Constantine "My Chin Looks Just Like My Ass" Maroulis. She's now firmly cemented on my shit list thanks to the inclusion of one of her own tracks in her iTunes playlist.

So, to put this in perspective, no one else in that self-absorbed roster committed this crime. Just Kellie.

In case you're a little slow on the uptake, what I'm trying to say is that Pickler managed to make Randy "When I'm in the Studio with Mariah" Jackson look the model of humble restraint. Someone give me a billy-club, a darkened alley and five minutes alone with Pickler. Please? (iTunes Store; software download required for you Amish readers who don't have iTunes installed already.)

Citizens of Texas, you can go ahead and get your knickers out of that a knot they're in. Contrary to popular belief, Carrie Underwood and Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, are NOT sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. So, y'all can stop blaming her for distracting the QB and causing an early playoff exit. The real reason you're not going to the Super Bowl is because... uh... oh, fuck it. I hate football and I can't even pretend to give a shit. So let's just dispense with the trash talk and say that your team sucks and that'll be the end of it, okay? Move on. (National Ledger)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

News You Probably Can't Use

Not necessarily the news, but really, is there anything funnier than a Paula Abdul fug? Okay, a Britney fug, but Paula is a close second. (Go Fug Yourself)

Bucky Covington, also known in some circles as My Boyfriend, signs a deal with Lyric Street Records. Album comes out April 17, two days after my birthday. Totally planned. Thanks Bucky! Also, a sort-of-but-really interview with the man himself. His first single, "A Different World," will hit the country airwaves January 16th. ('American Idol' official site)

The 'American Idol' karaoke video game! 'Nuff said. (USA Today)

Ruben Studdard wants Alabama residents to quit being a bunch of fatasses. (The Birmingham News)

Review: Taylor Hicks' debut Taylor Hicks not all that and a bag of chips. Is anyone surprised? You know, besides the millions of retards who voted for him week after week? (Rocky Mountain News)