Hollywood Week: The Non-Recap Recap

The good news: We got to see some actual singing on the third night of Hollywood week, where the contestants got to sing with the band, and play instruments if they so desired.

The bad news: We will continue to be terrorized by Tatiana Del Toro and Norman Gentle.

There were so many performances, and they were so short, that I can't possibly recap them all. But here were the highlights, for me:

- Adam Lambert, doing a stripped down version of Cher's "Believe." I loved it.

- Nathaniel Marshall, playing guitar and doing an acoustic version of Rihanna's "Disturbia." I liked it better than I like the actual song. I love Rihanna, but it's not my favorite.

- Kristin McNamara, singing "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. That chicks's got some pipes.

- Jamar Rogers singing Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah." Up until this moment, I've thought of Jamar as Danny Gokey's less talented BFF, but he rocked it. Also, I've only just now realized that Danny Gokey is like a bizarro Robery Downey Jr.

- Anoop Desai getting his Bobby Brown on with "My Prerogative." What size balls must one have to even attempt that? And he didn't just attempt it, either -- he owned it.

Lowlights:

- Casey Carlson, Joanna Pacitti and Stephen Fowler all forgot the words to their songs, but they still made it through.

- The amount of airtime given to Tatiana Del Toro. She can sing, sure, but there are better singers who are not completely batshit crazy. The producers are no doubt tenting their fingers like Mr. Burns in anticipation of her complete emotional meltdown when she gets voted off the show.

Not going through to the "Judges' Mansion": India Morrison, Michael Castro, Leneshe Young and a bunch of other people we never got the chance to know.

Tonight: The final 36... finally! In a two-hour special! With shitloads of filler! We're almost to the live shows, people! Hang in there!

Hollywood Week Begins! The Recap

We had a shortened audition schedule this year, but it still felt like an eternity. And now we're at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, where 147 hopefuls vie for 36 spots, and then later, one spot, which guarantees them the post-Idol fame of either Kelly Clarkson or Taylor Hicks. Which one do you think they want?

There's another new twist this season - Idol boot camp, where contestants have access to vocal coaches, stylists and a "glam squad." I'm initially annoyed by this, as I like seeing how the contestants progress from dumpy to divalicious during the course of the entire competition, but then I see them later and they all look as frumpified as they did before. Idol boot camp also features a surprise mentor - Barry Manilow, looking more like an aging high school girls' gym teacher than ever. Mentoring apparently consists of giving a speech, which he does while the contestants look bored and wonder who this lady is, and why she thinks she knows so much about music.

Day 1: Half of the 147 sing, the other half get to frolic around Hollywood. One unlucky person has to split him or herself in half and do both, but we aren't privy to that footage. Here's how it works this year: the 73.5 people performing today will be split into groups of 8, where they will take turns singing a capella. If they suck, they go home on the spot.

Apparently, Kara got the memo I sent, which said "COVER UP YOUR BREASTS SERIOUSLY I CAN ALMOST SEE YOUR AREOLA EVERY TIME YOU TURN DO YOU WANT TO SLIP A NIPPLE?" because she's got that shit covered up. With a shiny grey bag, which she has belted. Paula is dressed like a Victorian dominatrix, with some sort of dog collar contraption. Randy borrowed Mr. Rogers' best sweater. And I think we all know what Simon is wearing.

Group 1: Lil Rounds, Dennis Brigham and 6 other people we will not be introduced to this time around. Lil Rounds sings "I Will Always Love You" which is super screamy and fairly awful. The judges, for some bizarre reason, think it's awesome. Dennis Brigham sings "For Once In My Life," and it's a shit sandwich with no chips, and he makes his best crazy face while he sings. Lil and two other people make it. Dennis and four strangers are going home. Because Dennis doesn't just make crazy face, he actually IS crazy, he goes on a tirade that the judges are "sending the wrong message by sending him home." I would venture a guess that they're sending him home because he can't sing, which is actually the right message, in my humble opinion. Shut up and go home, Dennis. Nobody likes a sore loser.

Group 2: Nathaniel Marshall, Anoop Desai, Jasmine Murray, Rose Flack, Michael Castro and three strangers. Nathaniel sings "When the Anchor Holds" and I like it, though I'm baffled by his ensemble. The tattoos and piercings are cool, and while I don't love the button-down with a T-shirt over it with a tie thing, I get it. But the kicky headband throws it all off. The judges tell him that he picked the wrong song, which I don't necessarily agree with, and then he cries like a little girl and I go from really liking him to thinking he might end up being an unstable drama boy. (Spoiler: I am correct.)
Anoop Desai sings "If It's Magic" and he kicks so much ass. I think I love Anoop. Jasmine Murray sings "The Trouble with Love Is," and she's great, but she still bores the crap out of me. Rose Flack is clearly out of her element, and she warbles through "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" and I really wish she'd pull it together because I want to like her, I really do. Michael Castro, oddly enough, gets no air time, and the entire group is through.

Group 3: Stephen Fowler, who we have not seen before, Jorge Nunez and Von Smith. Stephen sings Stevie Wonder's "Superwoman" and he immediately becomes my favorite guy singer because he is that awesome. Jorge is wearing a scarf that no American man could ever get away with. He sings "Just Another Day," and it's really good.

Then there's Von Smith, who I didn't like at all in auditions and I haven't changed my mind one bit. He shouts "If the Rain Must Fall" at the judges, and people in Japan can hear him, and Simon calls it "indulgent nonsense" and I agree. For some reason, they still send him through, along with Stephen and Jorge, who Kara calls "George," and the rest of the group will have to wait until next year to get their 15 minutes, because they're going home.

We don't get to see any more groups from Day 1, but we do get "treated" to a montage of Normal Gentle/Nick Mitchell, who I am so over. He can sing, but I'm sick of his shenanigans. He sings/performs "You're Gonna Love Me" with a shoutout to Seacrest in the middle, that I have to admit is funny. Randy calls him "banoodles," which I am totally cribbing. The judges send him through, again. Sigh. Also through on Day 1: Frankie Jordan and Scott MacIntyre.

Day 2:

Day 2 starts with Ford pimpage! It seems a bit early for that, no? Especially since Americans can't afford more than Big Wheels at the moment.

Kara's boobs are back on display in a red dress with a slit down to her lady bits. Paula is dressed like a saloon whore, and suddenly, I realize that Paula's wardrobe choices are so over the top that they have actually crossed the line to completely rad. Yup, I said it.

Group 1: Jackie Tohn sings "Rock Me Right," and it's WAY over the top and ridiculous. The judges like it, because they huff gasoline when we aren't looking, and send her through.

Group 2:
BFFs Jamar Rogers and Danny Gokey. Jamar sings "California Dreamin'" and it's good. Danny sings "Kiss From a Rose," and I really love his voice. They're both through, along with some other people.

Bikini girl time! UGH. She's wearing something sparkly with feathers at the bottom, but at least she's dressed, I guess. She molests Ryan while he mentally figures out how much of a raise to ask for next year. She sings "Breathe" by Faith Hill. It starts out pretty good, I have to admit, but then completely falls apart halfway through. Kara and Paula agree with my assessment, and Simon and Randy call them catty, because in case you haven't heard, girls are like totally mean and jealous and competitive and vindictive, y'all! It's why they pay us less! So sick of mean girls stereotypes. What was I saying about Katrina being a talentless whore? OMG YOU GUYS I'M SO MEAN. Anyway, she's through, along with the rest of her group.

Jessica Paige Furney, Sharon Wilbur and Patricia Roman Lewis are all out, but we don't get to see their performances.

Group 4: Is "Roughneck" an actual job title? Michael Sarver sings, "I'm Gonna Love You More Than Anyone," and it's good. Jesus Valenzuela sings Stevie Wonder's "Lately," and it's not. Michael is through. Our Lord and Savior is going home to his 30 kids. (I know he only has two, but I liked it better when I thought he had 30, so I'm going to just stick with that.)

Last Group: David Osmond, Erika Wesley, Emily Wynn-Hughes and that nerdy guy. David sings "The Way You look Tonight," and he's good. Erika Wesley sings "I Gave Her My Heart but She Wanted My Soul" and it's just okay for me. Then, Emily Wynn-Hughes sings "Excuse Me Mister" by No Doubt instead of "I Put a Spell on You" which she had actually rehearsed. It's shockingly terrible, and everyone is baffled. They still put her through, though, along with David and everyone else but Erika. Erika begs for another chance, and Paula lies that she was totally on board but all the meanies out-voted her. Erika continues to grasp at straws, claiming she has to get another shot because it's her cousin's birthday. LAME. They send her home.

Alexis Grace, Brent Keith, Anne Marie Boskovich and Adam Lambert are also through, and the grand total of people through is 104. Tomorrow: Group round! Drama! Sequins and standing ovations! Can. Not. Wait.

Recap: New York/Puerto Rico Auditions--always the hurricanes; blowing

Question!

Which of the below items does Fox most sorely owe me after last night's Puerto Rico and New York Idol auditions?

-- Cochlea Implants

-- $9.99 for the West Side Story soundtrack I just bought on itunes

-- Choreographed Magic!

If you guessed Choreographed Magic!, then damn straight. Because if there's one thing this theater nerd despised about this episode, it was trotting out the whole, "zomg, dueling Puerto Rico/New York auditions on the same night—just like West Side Story!" without FULLY COMMITING to the bit. You planted this bed of overcooked lasagna, producers—lay in your cheese. It's not like you don't have two long lines of fame-hungry over actors at your disposal. I want some stand-in Sharks, Jets, and a lot of well-timed snapping. It would have been so easy.

Unsurprisingly, I had to settle for a sadder sack of "fast-paced" New York vs. "nearing congestive heart failure" Puerto Rico stereotypes, further exacerbated by the show's constant flipping back and forth between the two islands. See, that's makin' my life hard, Idol, or at least super annoying.

But onward, fellow stage combat enthusiasts:

Kicking off the New York segment of last night's episode was 19-year-old Bronx native Adeola Adegoke, fan of Mariah and Mary J., quitter of day jobs, and an awful, awful singer. After four quick "no's" from the judges following her failed rendition of "And I am Telling You," Simon was strangely emphatic about calling Adeola's boss on her behalf to ask for her job back. But I was more perplexed by Randy's comment that singing "wasn't her skeeze." If someone could enlighten me on where one finds 'skeeze' aside from dirty old man bars, I'm all ears. Hollywood Verdict: Not happening.

Then we moved to San Juan to meet 20-year-old Jorge Nunez. Jorge was talented, dimply, and singing in a foreign language, so of course the judges were impressed, though they asked if he could sing something in English to cement their decision. Cue the following pearl of wisdom from Kara: "I felt your pronunciation wasn't as strong in English." Oh, no kidding, sage one, the Spanish speaker wasn't as strong outside of his first language? Simon schooled Kara right quick, elaborating that if they didn't want accents they would go to Omaha. But you already went to Omaha, remember guys? Good times. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Next was 20-year-old Jessika Bair from Michigan, singing Celine Dion's "I surrender." Spell-check and I are equally resentful of that unnecessary "k" by the way. Jessika is apparently great at winning other contests of questionable prestige and won the chance to audition in Puerto Rico accompanied by ten other friends/family members, all of them smart enough to lie their way to a free vacation by telling her of COURSE she is awesome and totally talented. Nope, said the judges, calling her over-the-top performance shrill. Cue excessive whining and pleading, which always goes over so well with that set. Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

We then got a montage of equally sucky, indignant San Juanians before panning back to New York for the living embodiment of Beck's Nightmare Hippie Girl in the way of 21-year-old Melinda Camille singing "Feeling Good." Melinda sang fine, but whatever. Here were some of the phrases being tossed around during the audition, assuming my whole ‘stabbing mechanical pencil into eardrum' routine didn't too grossly impair my hearing: shift in universe; souls; dancing; naked; uplifting; naked; Randy naked; vitamin boost. Had enough? Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go (no exclamation).

Onto 21-year-old Jackie Tohn, a female Elmer Fudd in high-tops doing a ridiculously shtick-y rendition of "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. The judges nixed Jackie's first song choice, imploring her to use her "normal voice" for the second song, which was still just okay. Lucky for her, a deus ex machina by way of crappy production values saved Jackie when pieces of the set behind the judges came crashing down. Flustered, they gave her a pass, but methinks she won't be long in Hollywood land. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Back to San Juan for some eye-rolling nonsense in the way of 23-year-old Joel Contreras, a giant cardboard iPod wearing time waster and consummate tool. It doesn't matter what he sang, and that's what's so frustrating about these faux-ditions. I thought this was supposed to be the new, less tool infused Idol? Why are we still giving these morons airtime? Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

Ditto for a swift cut back to New York to watch 27-year-old Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell butcher "And I am Telling You." The only redeeming facet of this segment:

Unfavorable remark from Simon
Norman Gentle: You hurt me where you get kicked sometimes!
Simon: I would have thought you'd like that.
Norman Gentle: You mean the way you like it when Seacrest does it?

Ho Ho! No Norm McDonald, perhaps, but this Norman's act is enough to elicit cackling and seal-claps from Paula, and we all know that when Paula laughs, Jesus smiles and an angel earns her pleather bustier. So incredibly, Nick/Norman/Cocoa Puffs got a golden ticket. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go (?)

Back in Puerto Rico, 9-year-old Christopher blows the judges away. He's so adorable! So articulate! He brought a seashell for them, but then the seashell broke! Oh, Hagatha over there? That would be his 16-year-old sister, contestant Monique Garcia Torres singing "You Can't Hurry Love." Monique was actually pretty cute herself and possessed a decent, if underdeveloped, voice, but the judges weren't entirely convinced. Lucky for Monique, they were so smitten with little Christopher that they agreed to give her a pass. Question for their future therapists: which of the two will be most mind warped when telling this anecdote—Christopher for being a blatant pawn, or Monique for needing one to make it to the next stage of the competition? Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Oh, former psychotic contestant from Philly, 24-year-old Alexis Cohen. The Idol producers totally conned you into this "brand new woman" persona for the New York auditions, didn't they? Lame, lame, lame, especially considering that the "new, lady-like" Alexis in a dress was even more disturbing than the first -- kind of a cross between Alex from The Real Housewives of NYC and a recovering meth addict on Intervention. Well "Alexis Doolittle" was just as unappealing the second go-around while warbling "Like a Prayer." After thanking the judges for being unanimously panned, she curtseyed and demurely ducked out of the audition room. Ha ha, nope: there's only so much you can suppress the crazy, people. Eventually it comes flying out in matching flipped birds and f-bombs, which was totally the case here. Nice try, Alexis! For what it's worth, I think Simon genuinely loves you. Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

For the last audition, we crawled back to San Juan, where everybody was fast asleep from their own mind-numbing boringness. 20-year-old Patricia Lewis Roman tried to put some pep in out step with her rendition of "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" to no real avail. Still, the judges were feeling benevolent and decided to wave Patricia through, a decision that was met with much fanfare by the fifty bajillion people waiting for her outside the audition room, making her the last acceptance of the day. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Thus concludes this turf-war of mediocrity-smoke in your pipe and put THAT IN, folks!

Next week... HOLLYWOOD!

Recap: Salt Lake City Auditions

Last night's round of screeching tools and modestly-talented peeps took place in the land o' David Archuleta, otherwise known as Salt Lake City. There were lots of mentions of how nice and "aw shucks" the entire city is but not one polygamy joke or reference to creepy compound living. I feel cheated.

Randy Jackson totally didn't know what state he was in and then said some crap about a salted lake. I think. I don't know. As usual, I mostly tuned him out. Paula seemed a little too excited about the city's tie-in with High School Musical. I have no point of reference with that movie so I can't expand on that thought further. Kara didn't really say or do much. And some local girls went nuts over Simon, which restored my faith in the universe as it was completely rocked the previous night with the hero's welcome Randy got in Jacksonville. Note to self: Don't go to Jacksonville. Ever.

Here are the evening's notables:

David Osmond
Performed: "Something Within Me" by Take 6
The last name is not a coincidence. David is the son of Alan Osmond, the big-toothed older brother of Donnie. Oh wait... that just about describes all the Osmonds.

David did a good job. He seems like a nice fella. The judges agreed but not before Paula and Randy gave him some shit about the song he chose. Kara and Simon then chimed in with some more toothless criticism but, really, I think they were told to string him along to create the illusion that he wasn't a shoo-in because of his last name. Oh give me a break. Were they really going to pass up an Osmond and all those potential money shots of Donnie and Marie sitting in the audience cheering him on? Don't insult us.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Tara Mathews
Performed: "One Day I'll Fly Away" from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack
Tara is a goth, by American Idol standards. Which means she scowls a lot and shops at Hot Topic. So cutting edge! Tara also claimed to have ESP. She said she knows when people are going to die. Oddly enough, she didn't foresee the gruesome murder of "One Day I'll Fly Away." Suspect skills there, Tara!

Also, Tara, sweetie, check your lipstick before standing before a panel of judges and millions of home viewers. It was all speckled and cakey-looking. If it was ordered chaos like Robert Smith's, I'd maybe forgive you. But that was a colossal cosmetic failure of Wet 'n' Wild proportions.

Naturally, all the judges thought she was a ridiculous waste of time. Tara sulked out and flipped off the camera while punctuating her obscene gesture with a flatly-delivered, "Word out. Word out." Is that some secret Utah goth lingo that I'm unaware of?

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood and, if I had my druthers, she'd hustle on over to Sephora to get some real lipstick.

Rich Kagel
Performed: ???
I have no idea what Rich attempted to sing. I was too transfixed by his crossed eyes and Cowardly Lion-meet-Vincent-from-Beauty and the Beast-like mane.

Verdict: Denied.

Chris Kirkham
This was the dude with the big pink bunny and the Simon face fan. I've decided that my policy toward such gimmicks is much like that of sporting events on broadcast TV. If some douche runs onto the field or causes a ruckus, the cameras deliberately do not show the perpetrator so as not to encourage copycats. I am hereby adopting the same approach. No further attention from me. Next!

Frankie Jordan
Performed: "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse
There are several contestants every season that I quickly earmark for relentless nitpicking and utter contempt should they make it through to the later rounds. Frankie is already on that list. Better pack a cup, Frankie.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Megan Corkrey
Performed: "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" from Show Boat
Megan was given the back story video treatment, complete with, ew, Collective Soul bed music. When Ryan began his dramatic voice over, I braced myself for a tragic tale of horrific death and/or dismemberment. What cruel fate befell Megan, you ask? Um, she was just divorced. Don't get me wrong -- it sucks and I feel for Megan, I do. I just hate the show's need to create some juicy back story when there isn't one. Stop crying wolf, assholes. And stop inciting some weird sort of blood lust within me where I feel disappointed if there isn't some sort of freak construction accident or something.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Andrew Gibson
Performed: "Oh Let Me Fly" by... uh, I dunno
Andrew wasn't interesting enough for an entire paragraph so I'm going to rehash my live tweet: Andrew = Pimply Ray Romano. That's all you need to know.

Verdict: Nobody loved Raymond.

Austin Sisneros
Performed: "When I Look to the Sky" by Train and "It Takes a Village" by Raffi
Austin is the senior class president of what looks like a nerdier version of Rydell High. But instead of greased-up burnouts, it's a gang of sweater-clad, over-achieving geeks who lettered in debate and student government running the school.

Austin said he auditioned "to inspire people and to tell them it's okay to follow their dreams." Um, because there weren't thousands of people already turning out in cities across the country to do this for the past eight seasons? Thanks for blazing the trail, Austin!

Ugh, what a douche.

Despite selecting "the worst songs so far," according to Simon, Austin made it through. The judges thought he was charming and likable. I personally wanted to kick him square in the balls.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood and joining Frankie Jordan at the top of my shit list.

Taylor Vaifanua
Performed: "Joyful Joyful" by, um... a church choir near you
The only thing I really remember about this audition is that Taylor is 5'11" and she did a wee hula dance. Oh, and Kara saw Taylor practicing in the bathroom a few times so that meant that Taylor "really want[ed] it." And here I thought it just meant that Taylor and Kara were on the same pee-pee schedule.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Rose Fleck
Performed: "I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King
At last! A heart-tugging back story and not some half-baked bullshit! Rose's father passed away when she was 13. Her mother died two years later in a car accident, which is truly awful. But now Rose lives with her best friend's family and they're one big, happy and supportive extended family. It warms my cold, dead heart, it does.

I can't say I loved her singing voice, but what she lacked in vocal power, she made up for with charm. The judges agreed and unanimously shipped her off to Hollywood.

Up next: New York City and San Juan and then that's it for auditions! Bring on the caterwauling, crying and catfights of Hollywood Week!

Jacksonville Audition Recap

"Idol" headed to Jacksonville, Florida to check out the local talent last night, and they -- as well as those of us suffering at home -- found it sorely lacking. In fact, it might have been the worst two days of auditions in "Idol" history. And to make matters even worse, it was boring. When the judges are the most entertaining part of the show, you might want to start looking into some new cities for next year.

In case you thought I was exaggerating about how bad Jacksonville sucks, here's all you need to know about this city -- they worship Randy Jackson. Like, they want to build a giant statue of him in the town square and take turns humping it. And even though he was sporting a florescent t-shirt decorated with palm trees, I bet they STILL love him. It has something to do with Journey or something. Now, I love Journey as much as the next gal. More, actually. I once developed a crush on a boy after having a heartfelt hour-long discussion of our shared love of Journey at a party. But the fact that Randy Jackson was in Journey is a small bit of trivia that I keep stored in the back of my brain next to the names of Britney Spears' children and Warrants' discography.

Let's get on to the suckage, shall we?

Joshua Ulloa, 22 years old, Beverly Hills, FL, tile layer
Joshua looks like Justin Guarini, and has an okay voice, but he's a GIANT douche, what with the sunglasses inside and the fake harmonica and the beat-boxing. He sings "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye and he's going to Hollywood, even though he should have been eliminated due to his abuse of both gimmicks and my delicate sensibilities.

Sharon Wilbur, 25 years old, Jacksonville, FL, non-profit administrator
Sharon has one of those little rat-dogs that I hate, Sasha, which she hands over to the judges while she sings "Superstar" by Karen Carpenter. She's pretty underwhelming, and because I'm so bored I can't stop staring at Kara DioGuardi's cleavage. She and Paula do that fake-making-out thing again, and one of her girls almost falls out. I have to say, I much prefer the innuendo between Simon and Ryan. It all feels very drunk-girls-at-a-frat-party to me. Sharon's going to Hollywood.

Dana Moreno, 24 years old, West Palm Beach, FL, college student
Dana's outfit is fascinating. She's wearing a red satin, off-the-shoulder mini-dress, possibly with exposed black bra straps, and a black fedora. She does unspeakable and tangibly uncomfortable things to Chaka Khan's "Through the Fire."

Kaneswa Finnie, 16 years old, Jacksonville, FL, student
Poor Kaneswa. She seems like a sweet girl, but she can't sing, and her either tone deaf or cruel mother encourages her. She sings Anita Baker's "Caught Up in the Rapture" with a "pum pum pum" thrown in here and there that's vaguely reminiscent of the "Little Drummer Boy." the judges rightly call her mother in afterward to tell her how badly her daughter sucks.

Julissa Veloz, 19 years old, Orlando, FL, sales associate
Julissa wants to be the first Latina American Idol, and she's wearing a sash that says "candidate" for the Miss Florida Latina USA pageant. I'm guessing she didn't win, because then she'd have the "winner" sash, right? Anyway, she's wearing a tiara and a silver minidress, and of course we all expect her to be terrible. Then she opens her mouth and sings Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing," and she's pretty good. Not great, but pretty good. She's also a total dork with a strange laugh and I secretly love her and she's going to Hollywood. Paula has some sort of meltdown during the judging deliberation and walks off, and Julissa talks her down and convinces her to come back.

Darin Darnell, 28 years old, Houston, TX
Darin took a shitload of ecstasy before auditions, fell in love with a boy he met on line, lost said boy to the cruel politics of eliminations, started to come down and began crying about the hopelessness of it all, came to the realization that no one understands him, and no one ever WILL understand him, and than squeezed out the words to "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye" by Boyz II Men while silently weeping, only to be sent home, where he vowed never to take drugs -- or try to sing in public -- again.

And… day two! Kara has found new and interesting ways to show off her cleavage this time with some sort of cutout and pulley system. We get it, Kara. You're young and hot and have BREASTS. Duly noted.

Naomi Sykes, 25 years old, Tampa, FL, food server
In what's possibly the strangest five minutes of "Idol," ever, Naomi sings "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton while her best friend sits on Randy's lap, Paula sits on Simon's lap, and Ryan bounces uncomfortably on Kara's lap. Naomi sounds worse than Eric Cartman did when he sang it on "South Park." Her friend is trying not to crack up the entire time, and Simon (and I) assumes she's kidding, but when he calls her on it, she loses her shit and CRIES. Everyone jumps up to hug her because she's clearly unstable. I also think her BFF secretly hates her.

Jasmine Murray, 16 years old, Starkville, MO, student
Jasmine is the youngest of six. She's pretty, and polished, and sings Fergie's verson of "Big Girls Don't Cry," and it's good, but boring, and she's going to Hollywood.

George Ramirez, 18 years old, Jacksonville, FL, college student
George has a giant hard-on for physics. He sings the dreariest version imaginable of "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves, and it's so bad that it crosses over into hilarious, and therefore, makes me feel like I actually AM walking on sunshine. And I bet that was his scientifically-orchestrated plan all along.

Anne Marie Boskovich, 22 years old, Nashville, TN, waitress
Anne Marie is completely starstruck over Kara. No really, I said Kara. K-A-R-A. I'm willing to forgive her for that, though, because she's the only legitimately awesome singer Jacksonville has to offer. Because the show is boring, Simon gives her some bullshit about how she needs to come back and audition as a different person instead of sending her straight to Hollywood. So she takes off her denim jacket, convinces a wandering makeup gypsy to slap some eyeliner on her, and comes back at the end of the show to sing "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. And she's still awesome, and she's going to Hollywood. Thanks for the show filler, Ann Marie!

T.K. Hash, 23 years old, Concord, NC, administrator
T.K. auditioned last season and didn't make it, so he's back with David Archuleta's version of "Imagine." It's good, and boring, and he's going to Hollywood.

Michael Perrelli, 18 years old, Orlando, FL, "musician"
Michael is a big whiny baby who gets weepy when he's told he can't audition with his guitar. Because he, like, sleeps with it and stuff. He sings mediocre song "Jumper" by mediocre band Third Eye Blind, and his rendition is slightly less than mediocre. Oh, and he's wearing a smiley face backpack that he mugged a 13-year-old Japanese girl for. Not going to Hollywood. Aside: Is Bret Michaels bringing back the bandanna? Because I am NOT down with that. Michael also throws a tantrum on the way out and totally disses his mom. He's a brat and a half.

Is it Hollywood week yet? Deep breath… almost here…

Recap: Louisville Auditions

Sorry so late with this recap. I'm still suffering from an Inauguration hangover. No, I wasn't among the throngs celebrating in Washington D.C. (sadly). Instead, I was working into the wee hours of the morning helping report on really important stuff... like who designed Michelle's outfits throughout the day (Isabel Toledo and Jason Wu, respectively). I hate that my already-cluttered and increasingly-feeble mind is bogged down with information like this.

Speaking of, I'm listening to the iTunes right now and it's on a truly random shuffle. While I'm sad to report that I'm prone to misplacing things like keys and eyeglasses mere moments after setting them down, I can still remember every single solitary word to "Science Fiction/Double Feature" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack. And I can give that Barry Bostwick a real run for his money with "Dammit Janet." Seriously, Barry. Suck it. I gots to find myself some Rocky-related karaoke. It's a shame to let a talent like this go to waste.

I suppose I should start recapping the show, huh? But auditions are soooooooo boring. I would so rather talk about musicals centered around horny transsexual alien scientists who build beautiful men they can gay deflower mere minutes after their "birth"... Alas, that's not what I'm not paid to do here. Sigh. Okay, so... on with the show.

Last night's 60 minutes of torture came to us from Churchill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky. After being schooled by the locals on the proper way to pronounce their fine city (some crap about sounding like you need to clear a big ol' loog in your throat) we were beaten over the head with every Kentucky Derby reference known to man. Ew and then footage of people doing air guitar. I wanted to die. Correction: I wanted to kill those assholes first... and then die.

Here are the hi- and lowlights:

Tiffany Shedd
Performed: "Hero" by Mariah Carey
Let's go ahead and add Tiffany to the pile of talentless schmucks with absolutely no idea how bad they actually are. Tiffany's parents were there lending their full support, as they no doubt have done throughout Tiffany's life. They probably show up at school every time Tiffany does poorly on a test and they yell at the teacher and complain to the principal and try to get the poor teacher fired. Because the problem is never Tiffany. It's everyone else. Not their precious Tiffany. It's no coincidence that in addition to a horrendous singing voice, Tiffany's makeup looked like it was applied by a visually impaired hooker who time traveled from the Meatpacking District in the 80s. It's not Tiffany's lack of makeup skill, you see. The mirror, like everyone else, lies and distorts.

Verdict: So NOT going to Hollywood. Possible institutionalization after pleading insanity when brought up on double homicide charges. Her parents never saw it coming.

Joanna Pacitti
Performed: "We Belong" by Pat Benatar
I'm not sure if it was because we were informed that Joanna was signed (and then released by) A&M Records that I was expecting the girl to blow me out of the water but really, she didn't do much for me. But Kara liked her and so did everyone else. Paula thought she was "worthy" which kind of threw me because it was both a tepid and succinct response. Those are not things I associate with Paula. However, I think Paula's economic turn of phrase was courtesy of a good edit in post-production.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood

Mark Mudd
Performed: "White Lightning" by George Jones
Mark Mudd is a descendent of Dr. Mudd, the dude who fixed John Wilkes Booth's leg after he injured it jumping from the balcony right after pumping Abraham Lincoln full of lead. Turns out, people don't take kindly to physicians who reset the legs of presidential assasins so keep that in mind, you bloody do-gooders! Before fashioning a splint for someone, check their hands for gunpowder or, you know, ask them if they've just murdered any public officials. If not, it's the clink for you! And, even worse, your last name will be used in a putdown that will be passed down through the ages. When you hear that someone's "name is mud," you can thank Mark's great-great-great grandpappy or whatever. Oh, also... Mark said he "almost died five times." I know I'm not supposed to giggle when someone says something like that but well... sorry, can't help myself.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood. If Paula had her way, he'd be locked up. See, when leaving the audition, Mark issued a rather unfortunate salutation: "Be careful in whatever you do." Um, I'm pretty sure he was trying to say "Take care" but all those trips toward the light probably short-circuited something along the way. Paula was all, "That was a threat" but no one really seemed to care. Security didn't exactly pounce on the guy and then even Paula grew bored of her mock indignation and didn't pursue it any further.

Brent Keith Smith
Performed: "Can't Get Enough" by Bad Company
Decent singing voice but he looked a bit too much like Spencer Pratt for my liking. And Paula was all too happy to be his Heidi Whatsherface. She had that look in her eye... the very same look she gave Constantine Maroulis and Ace Young everytime they took the stage. A look that said, "I wish I had a tongue like a lizard so I could quickly roll it out, lick you and retract it all without leaving this here table... not because I'm lazy, mind you, but because the Oxycontin hasn't kicked in yet and I've the jimmy legs, so we'll both have to settle for a remote licking."

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Patrick Warner
Performed: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson
Patrick wore a big-ass white t-shirt with his name on it in big block letters. It was a really unfortunate clothing choice, for many reasons, but mostly because it made him look just like Martha Dumptruck. Swap out "Patrick" for "Big Fun" and we'd have ourselves a dead ringer.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood. Possible herniated disks caused by pressure and strain from ill-advised pelvic thrusting.

Matt Giraud
Performed: "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw
Matt told us that he was a "dueling piano player." He then explained what it was but I missed most of his explanation because I was too busy thinking about the weird-looking kid from the "Dueling Banjos" scene in Deliverance, which then made me think of the scene where Ned Beatty was told to squeal like a pig and, from there, it usually takes me a good 30 minutes to return from the dark, scary place I go to whenever I think of Ned Beatty's dimply white ass being violated by overall-clad hillbillies with heroin teeth.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Ross Plavsic
Performed: "Cara Mia" by Jay and the Americans
Ross was a dorky fellow with a tremendous set of buckteeth and a penchant for discovering repeating patterns in Asian lettering. Like, for fun. I feel all smart when I can find a four-letter word in Facebook's Scramble application and here he's deciphering codes and algorithms in another language. He still can't sing for shit but, uh, I guess that hobby of his will pay off... somehow.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood... or getting laid. Ever.

Alexis Grace
Performed: "Dr. Feelgood" by Aretha Franklin
She was good but she pinged my "Possibly Annoying" meter for some reason. Jury's out though. I could issue a retraction down the road. Or an I told you so. We'll see. The judges all gave her pass to Hollywood. Kara took it a step further and issued these words of advice: "Don't wear pink" and "Make love to your fiance." Alexis then reported Kara to American Idol Human Resources and Kara is currently undergoing sensitivity training where she has to watch those poorly-acted reenactments of sexual harrassment usually involving an unwanted neck/shoulder massage in the pantry.

Aaron Williamson
Performed: "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" by Credence Clearwater Revival
Aaron was the dude who went "Woooooooooooooooooooooo!" a lot. And I'm not going to lie to you... before he started to sing, I was buying into his confidence. I was supremely annoyed by his enthusiasm, of course, but he totally snowed me into thinking he had the goods to back up all his hysterical hooting and hollering. And well, he didn't. He sounded like John Fogerty... if John Fogerty was in desperate need of Colace while yell-singing from a burning building.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood.

Rebecca Garcia
Performed: "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
This was laughably bad. So comical in its crapitude that Kara suggested it was all a big goof. See, Kara skimmed the background notes and saw that Rebecca was voted "Most Humorous" in high school and, naturally, that can only mean one thing -- Rebecca Garcia was really Howie Mandel in disguise. Kara was all "J'accuse!" and was trying to get the judges to see they were all being punked by Howie in drag. And that's precisely when Rebecca's lip started to tremble and then came the tears and it was apparent to everyone, including a horrified Kara, that Rebecca was, in fact, earnest in her attempt. And then Kara felt like a tremendous douche and was hustled back into sensitivity training as soon as production wrapped for the day.

Leneshe Young
Peformed: "Natty" (Original song)
Damn! An original song that didn't suck. I loved Leneshe and so did all the judges. Unless she chokes during Hollywood Week, I think we'll see her in the Top 12.

And that's that. Come back next week for more bitching and complaining about the auditions. Only two more to go!

San Francisco Audition Recap

So, are the auditions over yet? Yeah, I didn't think so. Tonight was San Francisco, where the freakshow parade was hitting their tambourines pretty hard. In the opener, we are told that Idol has a huge boner for San Fran, because it produced Katharine McPhee, she of the tanking album, and William Hung, he of the ironic faux-success. So right away, I think it's going to be bad. And I'm not disappointed! Most upsetting is Ryan Seacrest, who forgot to do laundry and was forced to host the show in ratty jeans and the hoodie he wears while he watches Lifetime movies. Luckily, Kara washed all the clothes she wore when she was a stripper going by the name of Irina, and she graces us with a bedazzled shredded-sleeved number.

I'm going to get the people who were important enough to have their names displayed for Internet mocking/Hollywood week recognition but had no backstory out of the way first.

Not going to Hollywood:

Nick Reed: 17, Antelope, CA
He had frightening hair and sounded like Charlie Brown's parents beatboxing. He also came after a "fashion" montage, which showcased people in line dressed like nutters and people auditioning wearing nothing even remotely interesting.

Jiayi Yu, 16, San Mateo, CA
Sang "We Built This City" by Starship with the same amount of enthusiasm I exhibit while watching a football game.

James Smith, 27, Sacramento, CA, Ballroom Dancer
He didn't sing long enough for me to decipher what the song was. He was also terrible. He should have held off and auditioned for "So You Think You Can Dance."

Going to Hollywood:

John Twiford, 27, Sherman Oaks, CA, Music Teacher
He sang "Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder pretty well. He's also cute-ish, with hippie hair.

Allison Iraheta, 16, Los Angeles, CA
She has shocking red hair and sang Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" quite well.

Raquel Houghton, 28, Los Angeles, CA, Waitress/Bartender
She sang "Son Of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield, and is pretty in a Manson girl sort of way.

Okay, now that we've got the filler out of the way, let's get to the contestants who actually got some air time.

Tatiana Del Toro, 23, San Juan, Puerto Rico
Tatiana is a "full-time singer, musician, songwriter, writer, assistant director and film actor" who has no IMDB listing. She does have a MySpace music profile, though. When she's not vamping for the camera or laughing like a certified crazy person, she is annoying everyone she comes into contact with while wearing an animal print spandex mini-dress with a tutu stapled to the bottom of it. She sang "Never Loved a Man" by Aretha Franklin, and it wasn't terrible. She's good TV, so she's going to Hollywood.

Dean-Anthony Bradford, 27, Pasadena, CA, "Entrepreneur"
Those quotes are courtesy of the show, not mine. I'm skeptical about his age, because he looks about 45, and he's wearing the most ill-fitting plaid jacket ever to attempt to fit a man. Randy says he likes the jacket, sarcastically, but you know he kind of does, or at least he would if it had drum-major piping on it. Dean-Anthony started a special events production company, but it failed. He sings Simple Red's "Stars." Badly. He looks like he's having a seizure while he's singing. Simon razzes him about his hair color, which isn't actually particularly weird, and he makes a carpet/drapes joke which makes me want to vomit. When they tell him he's not going to Hollywood, he's pretty sure it was the coat that did him in, and not his crappy singing.

Jesus Valenzula, 29, North Highlands, CA, Fleet Manager
Initially, Our Lord and Savior appears to have about 30 kids, but then they bring the kids in after his boring, forgettable performance and it appears he only has two. They're cute, Jesus 2 and Gabriel, so the judges send him to Hollywood even though he sucks and has zero charisma and rather aggressive eyebrows.

Dalton Powell, 18, Manteca, CA, Unemployed Rubik's Cube Master
Ryan Seacrest tells this laid-back mumbly fellow that he might want to amp up the energy before going in or dip into the Seacrest coke stash. Dalton does neither, preferring to smoke a blunt and then sing Smokey Robinson's "Ooh Baby Baby" in falsetto. All of it. He is not going to Hollywood.

Akilah Askew-Gholston, 26, Oakland, CA, Aspiring Songwriter
This chick brought two things with her -- original songs and anatomical diagrams of the human body. She can't pronounce larynx. Or trachea, but she apparently knows what both of them have to do with singing gospel songs. She sings "Make Sweet Love," an original song. It's terrible, of course, and she explains that it was because it "came from the wrong rectum." Paula tries to comfort her, and then walks off the stage in a huff, possibly giving everyone the finger. After they tell her she's not going to Hollywood, she interviews that she could have done better, but she let the judges "eractatate" her.

Annie Murdoch, 28, Novato, CA, Unemployed
She sings "Summertime" by Sam Cooke. It's over the top and screamy. Simone compares her to a drunk, and she's not going to Hollywood.

Adam Lambert, 26, Hollywood, CA
Adam was in "Wicked" and has David Cook hair. He sings Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it's good, but a bit theatrical and screamy. Still, he's adorable, even with the bad hair, so he's going to Hollywood. And in related news, no one on any reality show, ever, can compete with Sweet Suzie McNeil on "Rock Star: INXS" when it comes to "Bohemian Rhapsody," and if you don't believe me, I suggest you watch this video:



Kai Kalama, 26, San Clemente, CA. Musician
Kai has a sick mom and he takes care of her when he's not out rocking. It's a sweet story, and he's cute in a rough-around-the-edges-will-be-hot-once-stylists-get-involved kind of way. He sings "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by the Platters and it's good, and he's going to Hollywood.

And there you have it, folks. Hang in there -- the auditions will be over soon. that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

Recap: Kansas City Auditions

Wow, it's only episode two and the audition fatigue has already set in. BIG TIME. This is going to be a long season. So, let's dispense with the filler and get to some scathing critique, shall we?

Chelsea Marquardt
Murdered: "Without You"
I don't really know what to say about this. In my notes I wrote, "Ahhhhhhh!" and "Wooooooo!" which, I think, was an approximation of Chelsea's voice. I'd say she attempted several runs but I usually collapse into a giggling fit whenever I hear that term. For the record, I don't find it nearly all that funny when I've got them though. Not funny at all.

Where was I? Oh right... Speaking of shit, Chelsea's voice was unanimously dismissed by the judges. Simon likened it to "A cat jumping off the Empire State Building and the noise it would make before hitting the floor. If that makes sense." Yes, Simon, total. Then Randy tried to horn in on Simon's comment with some crap about a siren. Shut up, Randy.

Verdict: No chance in hell of going to Hollywood.

Ashley Anderson
Performed: "Footprints in the Sand"
Ashley scored instant brownie points by picking a song cowritten by Simon... and then she pissed them away when she mangled the lyric. She was all, "Blah blah blah footsteps in the sand" and Simon busted out his inner school marm and corrected her. Fortunately for her, she managed to bounce back and turn in a pretty good performance.

Verdict: Hollywood-bound.

Totally random observation: Ashley' has the same hairstyle as Creepella Gruesome from "The Flintstones."

Brian Hettler
Butchered: "Think"
With Brian's claims to have an opera background and his leather queen wardrobe, I couldn't help but think of Rob Halford. When he started to sing, I issued an immediate mental apology to Rob Halford. Brian opened his mouth and out came this super thick horrific voice. My voice sounded like that once... when I had strep throat so bad that all my sisters had to take a cycle of antibiotics. It sounded like I was gargling pudding when I spoke. But at least I had mold growing on my throat at the time. What was his excuse?!

No surprise here: The judges told him he sucked and Brian sulked out. "He looks NOT happy" observed Kara. I saw the look in his eyes and it was beyond unhappiness, Kara. It was more like, "I've made note of where you are all staying in Kansas City and I will chop you up into teeny tiny pieces using my fat lady opera spear."

Verdict: No Hollywood. Possible life prison sentence.

Von Smith
Yelled: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
I hate him. He's this season's Annoying Kid Who Lived in His Car. What was his name again?! Something kinda God-squad-ish. Jebediah? Um yeah, I really don't care enough to open a new browser tab and look it up. But him.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood, much to my dismay.

Random observation: At this point in the program, Kara has already said "package" and "big instrument." Methinks Kara has penis envy.

Michael Castro
Performed: "In Love with a Girl"
This is Jason Castro's completely baked brother. Dude can't even remember how old he is. I see many flubbed lyrics in his future. You know, assuming he even remembers to go to Hollywood. It's not like he can rely on his older brother to remind him.

Verdict: He made it though. And Kara called him "ballsy." Again with the weiner talk, Kara. What's your deal?

Matt Breitzke
Performed: "Ain't No Sunshine"
Matt is a welder. Matt is no stranger to the nighttime bar scene. Matt is Alex Owens.

Verdict: Matt and his leg warmers are going to Hollywood.

Jasmine "Jazz" Joseph
Butchered: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
Jasmine paid homage to Judy Garland with her take on this song... a drugged-out, boozed-soaked Judy Garland. God that was rough. Randy does a "look over yonder" type dance that only he thinks is amusing. And I suppose a few assholes at home do too. But I hate those people. They're the people who watch "Two and Half Men." And not in syndication either. I'm talking first-run episodes here.

Verdict: Yeah, no, Jazz. No.

Jessica Paige Furney
Performed: "Crybaby"
She's a good granddaughter and from the town in Kansas where The Wizard of Oz took place.

Verdict: Headed to Hollywood. Cue The Wizard of Oz references ad nauseam up to and including when she finally gets the boot and/or wins the whole damn thing.

Asia & India McClain
Performed: An original rap called "Cookies"
Apparently it was an ode to Randy. They said something about taking a shit so, uh, yeah... that's about right.

Verdict: One made it through. One didn't and, uh, I totally forgot which one is which. But it's the one who kinda looks like Pairs Bennett. She's in.

Jamar Rogers
Performed: "California Dreaming"
Randy said it was overdone. Paula said it was too loud and fell off pitch. Simon called it corny. And then they all said yes.

Verdict: Jamar is going to Hollywood and I'm totally confused.

Danny Gokey
Performed: "I Heard It through the Grapevine"
I saw Danny crying into the camera in one of the "Coming Up" promos and I was all ready to be dismissive... and then I found out the reason he was crying. The poor guy lost his wife four weeks before the audition.

Verdict: He legitimately knocked it out of the park and is deservedly going to Hollywood. Good for him.

Anoop Desai
Performed: "Thank You"
He was really good, even though he looked like the kid who wheeled the projector into the classroom in high school.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood sans A/V equipment.

Up next: A waste-of-time "Signed Sealed Delivered" shame reel.

And now back to the audtions...

Andrew Lang
Massacred: "My Girl"
I hate him and his stupid cheerleaders and I will waste no more time on him.
Verdict: Bounced.

Asa Barnes
Performed: "The Way You Make Me Feel"
Very nice. Not all the memorable of a performance but his cheeky answer to Simon's questioning of his song choice ("Because I liked it") helped him through.

Verdict: I just told you it helped him through, duh.

Michael Nicewonder
Not touching this one with a 10-foot pole. Poor guy.

Okay, losing steam here so let's barrel through the rest:

Dennis Brigham
"Sang": "With You"

Verdict: He annoyed and harassed his way through to Hollywood.

Mia Conley
Screeched: "Loving You"
Not very good at singing but she's got that smiting and threatening God's wrath thing down cold.

Verdict: Headed home to pray for the violent demise of Simon, Randy, Paula, Kara, the dry cleaners who shrunk her cashmere and the chick who cut her off in the Sonic parking lot.

Lil Rounds
Performed: "All I Do"
Mom of three. Victim of a tornado. Awesome singer.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood. Probably will be in the Top 12.

And I've got about a minute of battery life left so that is all. Bring on Hollywood Hell Week already, dammit.

Season Finale (Part 1): Recap

Wow, so I wasn't so far off last week when I guessed that the Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumble! guy was in the audience. I'm a little shocked at my accuracy 'cause I totally pulled that out of my ass. I should really fish around in there for some number combinations and then take a crack at this week's Lotto. It's not everyone who has a magical, soothsaying rear end, you know.

Anyhoo, the annoying announcer was there to kick off a night of belabored boxing references. I still don't quite understand how Andrew Lloyd Webber fit into the picture... unless, of course, you factor in all the critics and nay-sayers who would be all too happy to beat his ass down. Yes, me included. Actually, I'd prefer to wrestle him a steel cage match. Just 'cause.

So, in the red corner or whatever, was David Cook who bounced around and punched at the air with credible skill and effect. Less successful was wee David Archuleta who just sort of flung his arms up over his head and bounded uncomfortably toward the center of the stage. I'm not the least bit surprised that Cook's was the better result since he merely did what he's been doing all season long -- copying someone else's work. In this case, Carl Weathers'.

First Round: Song Selection by Rudy Giuliani, er, I mean, Clive Davis

David Cook: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2
Save for one ill-advised "C'mon!" I was happy to see that Cook left the arrangement intact and sung a faithful rendition of the original. I totally didn't hate it. Nor did Randy who dubbed it "Hot, baby!" Paula went the obvious route and told David that he was "what we're looking for." Um, speak for yourself there, Paula. Simon rounded out the love fest calling the performance "phenomenal."

David Archuleta: "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Elton John
Um, I can't believe I'm going to say this but I thought David Cook smoked wee David in this round. The judges disagreed. Randy upped the temperature to "Molten hot!" whereas Paula's nips were at attention because wee David had given her the chills. Simon weighed in with his signature fake-out where he started off by saying something ominous and then ended up planting a a big wet one on Archuleta.

Result: Round One to Archuleta.

Second Round: Song Contest Selections

Cook: "Dream Big" by Emily Shackleton
I did not enjoy that. Then again, I never enjoy these original songs. And, ew, this one sounded a lot like Survivor. If there's one thing worse than a Survivor song (save for "Eye of the Tiger") it's a song that merely sounds like a Survivor song. Seriously, is the Survivor sound something anyone needs to emulate? What's next? A Mr. Mister cover band?

Wow, the very idea of that just sent a cold shiver up and down my spine.

Archuleta: "In This Moment" by Ryan Gilmore
I knew before he even opened his mouth that Archuleta would take this round. He's all about the uplifting cheese and well, so are the dildos who apply for this fucking contest.

Result: Cook shouldn't have even bothered.

Third Round: Contestant's Choice

I thought for sure Cook would handily win this round because, while his arrangements aren't all that original (despite misguided popular opinion), he has been very good at picking different showcase-y songs for his voice and style. Um yeah, not tonight.

He opted for "The World I Know" by Collective Soul... Dude, Collective Soul? Really? Why? Even more surprising was that he maintained an even, quiet pace throughout. He didn't resort to his usual slow-build-then-screamy-big-finish as he's done pretty much every week prior. As a result, he was met with subdued praise by the judges... Well, the two judges who didn't want to jump his bones. You see, Paula's cooch speaks for her when Cook is on the stage so I'm not even going to dignify her verbal queefs, if you will, with further analysis.

Randy called it "very nice" but Simon thought he should have reprised "Billie Jean" or "Hello." He also called Cook one of the nicest contestants ever and then immediately looked pissed and regretful when Cook opined about his time on the show being "a progression" and therefore, he didn't want to repeat himself. Simon prefers when you feign modesty with the namaste-like bows, David. I'd tell you to make note but well, too late!

David Archuleta smartly trotted out "Imagine" one last time, sans the blasphemous first verse. Randy was all "You're the best singer ever! Woooooooooooooooooooooo! Did I mention you could sing the phone book?! Wooooooooooooooooooo!" Paula claimed to be speechless even though nonsensical words continued to fall out her mouf. Lots of them. Simon informed us that we had just witnessed a knock-out. I was all, "Um, okay" but then I promptly picked up the phone and voted for David Archuleta like a million times. He's persuasive, that Simon.

However, according to most of you, my votes are in vain. Our poll (live until 8PM EST tomorrow) currently has David Cook spanking both Archuleta and apathy. There's still time to reverse it! Clear your cookies and vote again! Or else, I may very well toss mine.

Top 4: Recap

Four folks left. Three have been number one in votes. Competition is closer than ever. YOU MUST VOTE! This… is… American… Idol.

Randy Jackson bedazzled his hoodie for the show. Paula Abdul came straight from her cameo in the Saturday Night Fever remake and Simon Cowell, well, looks like Simon Cowell. Ryan Seacrest's faux-haux isn't as symmetrical as I'd like.

In the audience tonight:

• Luke Menard, looking adorable and geeky.
• Jamie Lynn-Sigler, looking like one of The Real Housewives of New York City
• Carly Smithson
• Rascal Flatts, who I thought was just one dude for the longest time

It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week. We're treated to a long montage of the history of rock n' roll set to Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Night." Each contestant will sing two songs each, and the judges will critique after each performance, which Ryan explains while making a subtle dig at Paula for last week's drunken faux-pas.

David Cook

First up, "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, which came out in 1982, the year he was born. Imagine if you will a Duran Duran song getting the David Cook treatment. Any song, really. That's exactly what it was. Yawn. Paula was out of her chair dancing like a groupie on Rock of Love the whole time. Randy thought it was just okay, solid but not mad hot. The audience boos him angrily. Paula says that it left her with a big appetite. Get it? Also, ew. Then she said something about watching him grow and flourish when he does the EXACT SAME THING every week. Shut up, Paula. Simon thought it was good, but a little bit copycat. Simon then goes on to say that David didn't do what he's done in previous weeks which was to take the song and make it his own. Actually, that's exactly what he did. In previous weeks, he took someone else's song and PASSED IT OFF as his own. Simon says he'll get through to next week.

His second song was The Who's "Baba O'Riley." Now, I love this song. It's one of my top songs ever. When it started, my first thought was, "Fuck, this is really good." Then it got really bad. Then it got really good. By the time it was over, I didn't know what to think. Randy loved it. Paula wants more of David Cook, preferably with exposed penis. Simon welcomed him back.

Final thoughts: Safe.

Syesha Mercado

First up, "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. I thought she rocked it. It was sexy, fun and she sounded great. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a bad, shrieky version of Tina Turner. I just want to know what kind of arm workout she does.

Her second song was "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. She sang her heart out. I thought it was great. I also never noticed how ginormous her boobs are before tonight. Randy didn't like the arrangement and thought she oversang it. Paula loved it, and welcomed Syesha to her dream, which made her start bawling. Simon loved it, which made Syesha cry some more, and then Paula turned on the waterworks. Then Syesha? Compared her reality show experience to the civil rights movement? Huh?

Final thoughts: Bottom two, but ultimately safe.

Jason Castro

First up, "I Shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley. Which is just so… obvious that I can't even support it. You know his friends back home are sitting around a four-foot bong watching FOX and saying, "Dude! Castro is, like, totally singing Bob Marley! No way! He he! Awesome!" It wasn't very good. Randy thought it was karaoke. Paula wasn't crazy about it. Simon thought it was utterly atrocious, and compared it to a first-round audition massacre. He asked Jason what he was thinking. The answer? "Bob Marley!" (And weed)

For his second song, Jason attempted "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. And lest you think he isn't stoned all the time, he forgot the words and thought it was hilarious. I really wish Jason would let me pick his songs for him. He'd be all, "I want to do some Dylan" and I'd be all, "Splendid! Here's 'Just Like a Woman!' Now go forth and rock!" And he would. Randy said he wasn't in the zone. Paula said it didn't blow her away, but he blows her away, and if given the chance, she'd blow… oh, never mind. Too easy. Simon tells him to pack his suitcase.

Final thoughts: I voted for him several times, because I'm not ready to stop mooning over him. And he's the new Vote for the Worst pick, so he might eek out a win over Syesha, but I think I'll be saying goodbye to my dreadlocked lover.

David Archuleta

First up, "Stand By Me" Ben E. King. It was great. The crowd loved him. The judges loved him. Is there any way the kid isn't going to win the whole thing? I'm thinking no. Also, Ryan always manhandles David like an awkward father who doesn't know how to show love. Although David would probably prefer that to the beast that is Jeff Archuleta, I'm guessing.

For his second song, David sang Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender," causing 12-year-old girls across the country to spontaneously hit puberty like all the potential slayers on the last episode of Buffy, only in this case, it isn't to save the world from evil -- it's so that David Archuleta may oneday spread his seed. If anyone wants to start another LDS polygamist sect, I think we've found a new leader. And people talk about the Obama cult. Randy loved how he was tender and caressed each word. Really. He said that. Gross as hell, right? Paula said it was one of her all-time favorite performances of his. Simon said he crushed the competition.

Final thoughts: Duh.

Recap: Unexpected Song[s]

That title is for you theater geeks up in the hizzy. Song and Dance, represent!

Ahem. So last night was Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol, something I had dreaded even more than Mariah's appearance. I'm soundly in the Stephen Sondheim camp, you see. Sir Andrew is a right wanker, yo.

While I was totally expecting some of the contestants to tank, I will admit that many of them surprised me with their song choices. No one performed what I expected. For example, I thought for sure that Brooke White would tackle "Memory" and that David Cook would unleash the screamy on something from Jesus Christ, Superstar whereas David Archuleta would serve up some extra cheese via Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Syesha defied my Evita expectations and Jason Castro... oh, Jason Castro... why didn't he tackle something light like "Any Dream Will Do"? I think he would have done a great job with it. Instead, he took on a song that requires a serious belt and, you know, a vagina. Although, his "I didn't know it was sung by a cat" exclamation elicited an actual guffaw from yours truly. Priceless.

Poor Brooke White took yet another header off her once-comfy perch. She is just losing it. Even Paula was without sympathy and, for several seconds, speech. But then after a long pause, Paula returned to form with incoherent babble and she was all, "You need to make shit up when you forget the lyrics!" Really, do we want to use this woman as a model of what to do when put on the spot in front of millions?

Seriously though? Does anyone think it's wise to follow Paula's advice to just say "what's in your heart" when words fail? She does that shit week in and week out and look how well THAT'S worked out for her. Shut up, Paula. Just shut up.

Uh, what else? Oh right, celebs in the audience! Just like Jess, I spotted Paul Stanley but, unlike Jess, I thought he looked more like Mercedes Ruehl than Joan Rivers. Either way, his appearance is alarming. I dare say the KISS Army had a few defectors after that quick pan o' the camera.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Brooke White, Jason Castro, Syesha Mercado
Going Home: I don't agree with this but it might just be Syesha because of the one-two punch of Vote for the Worst and the sympathy vote for Brooke.

Top 8 Recap

Three nights of Idol this week, peanuts. I know, I'm crying, too.

The theme is inspirational songs, because it's Idol Gives Back week. Just hearing those words come out of Ryan Seacrest's mouth brings back my debilitating migraine from this morning.

Michael Johns is up first, and he's wearing another cravat, and singing Aerosmith's "Dream On," because he came to this country with a dream. Has he always done that frown thing while he sings? It's very distracting. Seriously, who said to him, "You know what would be a totally badass signature look for you? Cravat." The arrangement of this is super weird for me. Not digging it. The high notes are awful. Randy thought it was pitchy, and gets booed by six million cravat lovers. Paula's boobs want out of that constricting sparkly dress, stat. She loved it, because she wants to bone him while he wears his cravat, and it doesn't matter what comes out of his mouth. Simon liked it more than I did, but he doesn't like it when Michael pretends to be a rock star.

"I don't actually have any Chihuahuas, Ryan."

"Take a tight shot and you'll see."

What does that even mean?! Why is Paula getting jokes that I'm not, when she's barely conscious?

Syesha Mercado is up next, and she misses Ramiele, her roommate until last week. She's singing "I Believe" by Fantasia, because she believes, and already I know this is a mistake. She sounds good, but I don't know this song so I have nothing to compare it to. I find her very talented, but she still bores me to tears. Randy thought that she didn't connect with the song the way Fantasia does. Paula thought she made it her own, and loved it. Simon thought she sang it well, but it lacked emotion. He wants her to find her own voice, instead of biting off of other talented singers. WORD.

Jason Castro is singing a version of "Over the Rainbow" by some guy with a ukulele, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I know this version, actually, and I love Jason singing it. And if he were to sing it to me naked in bed in the glow of post-coital bliss, I would love it even more. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon loved it. I've got such a lady hard-on for that boy.

Kristy Lee Cook is singing "Anyway," by Martina McBride, and it's about pouring out your soul whether people want to put you in the bottom three every week or not. She actually sounds pretty good. I can't even hate on this. Randy thought it was pitchy, but liked it. Paula thought it was her best by far. Eric McCormack is there! Simon thought it was very good, indeed, and that she looked like a star, which, it was good, but that's going a bit far.

Some dude is sitting on Simon's lap, Mike Donell from FOX who Ryan says, "Hired us all."

David Cook is singing "Innocent" from his favorite band, Our Lady Peace. Favorite? Really? Something about everyone having a good heart at the end of the day. He's wearing a white drum major jacket, and I'm a little mad at him for that. It's not his best, but I'm joining Melissa in no longer having the ability to hate David Cook, and it fucking pains me. Randy doesn't think it was his best, either. Paula thinks he's the whole package. Simon thought it was pompous, and he also hated the jacket. Mimi Rodgers does not agree. David looks super-bummed, and I almost feel bad for him.

Carly Smithson is singing, "The Show Must Go On" by Queen, because the show is going on. She sounds perfect, of course, because she always sounds perfect. I covet her earrings. Randy thought it was good, then pitchy, then just okay. Paula didn't feel the connection. Simon likes her pants, but he hated the song choice and thought she oversang it and lost control of it, and it ended up being angry. He thinks she's in trouble.

David Archuleta had a hard time picking a song because everything inspires him. He's singing "Angels" by Robbie Williams, because there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. He's awesome, naturally. I actually really like this song. Randy loved the runs, because nothing gets Randy hotter than runs. Paula thought it was fantastic. Simon thought it was the best song choice of the night, but he thought it was a bit nasally. Some little girl has a sign for David that says, "Lick Those Lips!" which is just the creepiest thing ever.

Brooke White is singing "You've Got a Friend," the Carole King version, because like everything else, it makes her happy. I'm having a hard time with this, because I hate this song with the fire of a thousand suns. She seems awfully sad singing such an uplifting song, which is odd for Brooke. She looks like she's going to cry. Randy thought it was just okay, but he wasn't mad at her. Paula thinks she's definitive, and loves her. Simon thought it was, "nice," but not original.

Bottom three: Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson, Kristy Lee Cook
Going home: Syesha Mercado. I'm giving up on sending Kristy Lee Cook home.

And if you're like me and want to watch this over and over and over, here's Jason Castro's performance:

Top 10: Recap

Tonight's show had the contestants singing songs from the year they were born. At one point, I was all, "Duh, why not just make the theme be 1987?!" since it seemed everyone was born that year. Alas, I was wrong. Dude, David Archuleta was born in 1990. That means, he's the same age as my friend's son... the friend who had to miss the prom because she was, you know, giving birth. Crazy.

But, once again, enough about me and on with the show...

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "Alone" by Heart (1987)

When will these kids learn? DON'T TOUCH THIS SONG. EVER! Why? I'll tell you why. Actually, scratch that... I'll show you why! Behold!

Just look at wee Carrie Underwood all "aw shucks" and Okie-d out before the song and then she takes the stage and HOT DAMN, that vocal is a thing of a magic. Even Nancy and Ann Wilson gave her their blessing by performing the song with her. That song is officially marked. No one else best come sniffing around it again. Capiche, Ramiele?

Randy and Simon agreed and quickly smacked Ramiele down. Paula dissented and told Ramiele she was "really sick" which I think was a compliment? Not sure. Whatever, it sucked and Ramiele is in danger, girl.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Fragile" by Sting (1987)

Happy Birthday, Jason! I really like what he did with this song. He was back with the guitar which suits him well. I think he's way more comfortable when using it. Randy and Paula thought he played it safe. Simon wasn't at all impressed and told Jason to take the competition more seriously. Jason's response? A half-hearted promise to do so and his trademark goofy grin. God, I love him.

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "If I Was Your Woman" by Stephanie Mills (1987)

She's starting to work my nerves. Her singing is okay but her pre-performance interviews really make me want to punch her in the face. I can't say much about her performance because I was too busy playing with a flashlight pen I got from Yahoo. It's so cool! It projects a Bat Symbol-like Y! on the wall. Intriguing!

Um, what was I saying? Oh, right. Syesha's song... Randy and Paula gushed. Simon told her there was a "limit on [her] vocal" and the song "strained it a bit." Again, I was distracted by a shiny object -- literally -- so I don't have much of an opinion but I'll err on the side of logic and sanity and say I agree with Simon.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "If Only for One Night" by Luther Vandross (1985)

Man, I hated this. In my notes, I wrote the word "boring" with a lot of extra Os. Imagine my surprise when Randy issued the same critique. He even elongated the first syllable. Shocking! I think I'm more disturbed when Randy echoes my opinions than when Paula does.

Paula fawned over the performance but Simon wasn't impressed. After several weeks of exuberant performances and major image repair, Chikezie shot it all to shit by getting defensive when Simon took him to task for being cheesy by reaching into the audience and working the crowd. He got all pissy and said, "That's who I'm singing it for! I'm sorry!"

You're not sorry, Fat Alfonso Ribeiro, and I predict that bit of cheekiness will land your ass in the Bottom Three.

Brooke White
Performed: "Every Breath You Take" by The Police (1983)

Good thing Brooke's likable. She totally missed her cue from Ryan to start the song and then when she did, she stopped and started over. But she recovered nicely and delivered a solid performance. Randy and Simon didn't like that midway through, the band joined in on Brooke's solo piano and sped up the tempo. Paula offered somewhat restrained praise.

At this point, I turned my attention from the flashlight to doodling palm trees in the margins of my notebook. These 90-minute shows and my short attention span are just not compatible.

Michael Johns
Performed: "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions" by Queen (1978)

This had great potential to be corny but Michael really worked it out. Also, his knee-bending and mic-handling histrionics were somewhat limited tonight which was a nice change. Of course, there's a chance I missed them because I had a wee giggle fit during the song because I remembered how I used to change the lyrics to: "And we'll keep on farting 'til the end." I always thought I was heeeee-larious whenever I did that. And by whenever, I mean just last week.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler (1983)

I thought this was awesome, save for the last note which was all over the place. Up until that point, I thought it was a controlled, masterful performance of a tough song to sing. Of course, I'm basing the level of difficulty on my own attempts to sing this song which, believe you me, have not been successful. Whoever said that everyone sounds good in the shower is a lying sack of crap.

Paula gave Carly pretty good grades but Randy and Simon were unfairly harsh. Poor Carly looked stunned up there. I really don't know why they were so hard on her. It's okay, Carly, I voted for you. Go raibh maith agat!

David Archuleta
Performed: "You're the Voice" by John Farnham (1990)

It was a decent vocal but the lyrics were so earnest and, you know, uplifting that my hardened, cynical ass couldn't help but squirm. Randy and Paula both thought it was nice but Simon redeemed himself from his earlier Carly assassination by characterizing David's performance as something out of a theme park. If I had to guess, that theme park would have been Heritage USA.

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood (1984)

She's crafty, that Kristy Lee Cook. Given the subject matter, it's really hard to pick on her for poor song choice. Also, I'm pretty certain that this is her go-to up-tempo song in her limited canon. When the situation calls for a ballad, she dusts off "Amazing Grace," but for all other occasions, she's proud to be an American. Well played, Kristy Lee Cook.

All three judges praised it highly with Simon predicting that it was good enough to keep her in the competition. Then again, no big surprise there since Kristy Lee is the new Vote for the Worst pick.

David Cook
Performed: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson (1982)

Because David has been given credit for lifted arrangements week after week, Ryan finally cited the source for tonight's variation on a well-known song: Chris Cornell. Apparently, Randy, Paula and Simon all had shit in their ears when Ryan did that because they still fell all over themselves telling David how "original" and "brilliant" and "brave" and "amazing" he was.

That's such horse shit!!!! He's a good cover artist! He's not a musical genius of motherfucking Prince-like proportions. He's a good mimic but so is Rich Little, for fuck's sake! If this keeps up, I WILL have an aneurysm.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Ramiele Malubay, Chikezie and Kristy Lee Cook
Going Home: Toss-up between Ramiele and Chikezie. I'll say Ramiele because she totally pissed me off with her "It went bye-bye" baby talk when asked about her voice. Retard. Be gone!

Top 11 Recap

Seriously. Why do we have to suffer through another Beatles week? Oh, okay. Last week was Lennon/McCartney, and this is the Beatles. Now I get it. That's totally different. Thanks for clearing that up, Ryan. Is Nigel Lithgoe trying to kill us?

I count TWO Simon winks at Ryan before the show even gets started. Maybe my friend Amanda is right and they are secret boyfriends.

Amanda Overmyer
Her most memorable moment so far was being on the big stage for the first time. Not like performing on a flatbed truck, that's for sure! She's singing "Back in the USSR" because it's upbeat. I hate to say this, but it didn't suck. Really, I don't just hate to say it -- it physically hurts.
Randy: Perfect song choice, but pitchy in the beginning. 7 out of 10, but it was good!
Paula: Sketchy at first, timing off. A little ahead of the beat. But she's unique. Wants to see her do a ballad.
Simon: Predictable, bit of a mess in parts. Needs to surprise people with something new before she gets boring.
Amanda says, "Whatever, I'm awesome and this Idol shit is lame! Suck it!" (I'm paraphrasing)

Kristy Lee Cook
She looks through her "photo book" every night to remind her of home. She has a cute dog named Autumn. She secretly hates Randy Jackson. Maybe I made that last part up. Maybe I didn't. You'll never know. Her most memorable moment(s) was being in the bottom every week because she sucks, and then not going home because she's hot. She's doing "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away," because she likes the title. For real. She's predictably terrible.
Randy: Interesting arrangement, but boring until the end.
Paula: She looked gorgeous, which is code for she sucked.
Simon: Needs hypnosis because she's a bad performer. "Musical wallpaper." Heee.
Kristy says, "I may suck now, but wait until I shift into full sock-blowing mode!"

David Archuleta
His most memorable moment was singing "Imagine." Not so memorable was forgetting the lyrics. He's doing "The Long and Winding Road" for no reason. It bored me to tears, and his vaguely constipated facial expressions made me uncomfortable.
Randy: He brought the hotness back to his game.
Paula: Exciting and wonderful performance.
Simon: Amazing.
The hell?

Performance by Kellie Pickler tomorrow! Aw yeah, I'm going to have a field day with that one.

Michael Johns
His most memorable moment was singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" during Hollywood Week. He's doing "A Day in the Life" because he thinks it's Lennon and McCartney's "masterpiece." I like Michael Johns. I think he's an understated, but very good performer, and I like his voice. I do not like this arrangement, though. At all.
Randy: Wrong song choice.
Paula: Dress rehearsal, blah blah, monitors, blah blah, Simon, blah blah. She hated it.
Simon: It was a mess.
Michael says, "I want to dedicate that crappy performance to my friend who passed away. It was his favorite song. How do you feel now, judges? Guilty?"

Brooke White
Brooke looks like the sun itself in a flappy yellow dress. Because she's a ray of sunshine sent down to the Earth to make us all smile and forget our troubles. Her most memorable moment was singing "Let It Be" and getting emotional. She's singing "Here Comes the Sun" because she IS the sun! I found it pretty weak compared to her last two performances. In fact, it sucked. And she should never attempt to dance again, ever.
Randy: It was awkward.
Paula: Liked the low notes, but pretty much hated it.
Simon: Performance terrible. Horrible dancing, lack of conviction.
Brooke says, "It's okay. Everything's okay. I will continue to shine my light on you anyway, because the sun is not spiteful. It only shines."

David Cook
His most memorable moment was stealing "Eleanor Rigby" last week (more on David's chronic thievery later this week). This week, he's doing "Daytripper" and wow, he just gave credit to Whitesnake for the arrangement. Mom loves David Cook, which hurts me. She also loved Chris Daughtry, so it makes sense. I guess his performance was okay, but I was bored.
Randy: Not his best, but still solid.
Paula: Ready to go sell records. Liked the voice box.
Simon: Not as good as David thought it was. Smug. YES! Lost his element of surprise.
David says, "I learned my lesson about being a douche when I'm criticized, so I'm going to say exactly what I'm supposed to, that I'll take the criticism and learn from it for next week, if I'm here. Oh come on, let's be honest. Of course I'll be here. I'm fucking awesome and everyone knows it."

Carly Smithson
Her most memorable moment was when Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson. She's singing "Blackbird," because her brother sang it growing up, and she wants to do a ballad for a change. Carly has pretty much a perfect voice, and I liked it a lot. I also love that song, which didn't hurt. But what on Earth was she wearing? You can't pull off a ruffled neckline when you have that many tattoos.
Randy: Very nice. Cooliosis factor. (Yeah, I don't know either)
Paula: Loved it.
Simon: Hated song choice. Indulgent.
Carly says, "This song represents my struggle with the music industry. We're all broken birds. Take that, Simon!" She got a "7" tattooed on her hand, because she's the 7th contestant this week and it's the 7th season of Idol.

Jason Castro
His most memorable moment was singing "Hallelujah." Mine too, Jason. He's singing "Michelle" because it's a real dynamic song and he gets to speak French. I loved it. He's so awesome and adorable. And he loves me, needs me and wants me. Guess what, Jason? You can have me!
Randy: Just all right for him.
Paula: He has a very distinct charm and Paula wants to bone him. She found it uncomfortable and a little awkward.
Simon: His face sold it, very charming and not obnoxious. His goofiness makes it work.

Syesha Mercado
Syesha looks gorgeous. I want that dress. Her most memorable moment was being in the bottom three. She needed it because she needed that kick in her butt. She's singing "Yesterday," because she did a Beatles medley in middle school and the song touched her and she wants to touch everyone. The pacing was super weird and off for me.
Randy: Very good performance.
Paula: Beautiful how she let herself be vulnerable. Needs to make more eye contact.
Simon: Best performance so far.

Chikezie Eze
His most memorable moment was the first round in Hollywood where all the judges complimented him. He's singing "I've Just Seen a Face" with an instrument that he doesn't know how to play. That's smart. I think it started out boring and then got good.
Randy: Liked the fast part, hated the slow. (Word!)
Paula: He did it again!
Simon: Thought the harmonica was atrocious. Gimmicky and not as good as last week.

Ramiele Malubay
Her most memorable moment was making lots of new friends. Brooke is her mom and David Cook is her big brother. She's singing "I Should Have Known Better" because it's upbeat and she bored the judges to tears last week. She's wearing a very strange outfit, but I think she's pretty good.
Randy: Not jumping up and down, but liked it. It was aiight.
Paula: Better than last week, but didn't showcase her vocals enough.
Simon: Sounded amateurish and chose a mediocre song.

Bottom three: Ramiele Malubay, Kristy Lee Cook, Chikezie Eze
Going home: Kristy Lee Cook. Please, America. Send her home.

Top 11: Song List

This week's theme was The Beatles Part Two: Electric Boogaloo (sorry, couldn't resist). Full recap to come tomorrow but here's the song list to hold you over.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "Back in the USSR"

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"

David Archuleta
Performed: "The Long and Winding Road"

Michael Johns
Performed: "A Day in the Life"

Brooke White
Performed: "Here Comes the Sun"

David Cook
Performed: "Daytripper"

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Blackbird"

Jason Castro
Performed: "Michelle"

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Yesterday"

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "I've Just Seen a Face"

Top 12: Curly's Recap

Tonight's recap is brought to you by Stella Artois... brewed by the same noble tradition in Belgium since 1366.

To clarify, we at American Midol have not received a kick-back from that mention. I'm merely warning you that I've had a few so you should attribute any silliness in this post to the makers of this fine beer. Speaking of which... kind people at Stella Artois -- we at American Midol would NOT turn down the scratch if you wanted to work something out. Or free beer. We'll gladly accept either.

Moving on...

So tonight's episode featured the venerable Lennon-McCartney song book as well as the highly-touted new opening graphics and brand spanking new stage. The "new" intro didn't seem all that new to me, if I'm being honest. They still have the two figures walking towards the stage in a manner that suggests both are suffering from a debilitating case of scoliosis. There were some new flourishes, I guess, but mostly just left-over colors and clips from previous seasons. Such bullshit.

The new set looked straight out of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Starlight Express." I seriously expected the performers to come out on roller skates and do jumps and stunts and shit while singing. Would have made for a more-interesting two hours of my life, if you ask moi.

Oh and there's a supposed "mosh pit," according to Ryan. Um, I know he's way into music and crap but was boyfriend ever actually IN a mosh pit?! 'Cause I was. In fact, I took more than one Doc Marten to the temple (would explain a lot, no?) and never once in my experience did I ever notice anyone doing the slow back-and-forth wave during ballads, as "Idol" audiences were wont to do this evening. Rookies. Me at 19 would have kicked their arses.

If my arms went up in the air, it was to help pass along some big dude who was crowd-surfing with reckless abandon. Oh and there was that one time I raised an arm and then flipped off Gordon Gano at a Violent Femmes show because he was giving us a condescending lecture about the dangers of throwing shit on the stage.

Fucktard.

Now that that's out of the way, on with the show...

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Got to Get You Into My Life"
Syesha look like a "Solid Gold" dancer in that ensemble. Were Rick Dees and Marilyn McCoo in the house?

Randy thought it was all right. Paula told Syesha she found her zone midway through. Simon thought it was far more than Randy's all right but felt that Syesha succumbed to a case of the nerves. As for me, I think she took a great song and cheesed it up. Unforgivable.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "She's a Woman"
Hot damn, that was good. I didn't want to like it but Fat Alfonso Ribeiro threw all of his heart and flab into it. I thoroughly enjoyed that. Randy was similarly entertained. Paula said some crap about the reward paying off. I'm guessing she meant risk? Probably not. I think Paula was hitting the Stella tonight too. Simon dug it.

Methinks Fat Alfonso Ribeiro is actually safe this week and, if he plays his cards right, one step closer to shedding the nickname I've saddled him with.

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "In My Life"
Fat Alfonso Ribeiro's was a tough act to follow. I didn't envy anyone in this spot tonight but I thought Ramiele might be all spitfire-like and hold her own. Yeah, no.

Randy was bored. Paula told her she was pretty which means she hated the singing but was too much of a drugged-up pussy to say so. Simon, on the other hand, had no qualms about telling her he was bored to tears.

Word, Simon. And you too, stupid Randy. Ramiele is a possible Bottom Three contender tonight.

Jason Castro
Performed: "If I Fell"
I love Jason but this really wasn't his best. Randy didn't love it. Paula disagreed with Randy and said, "I'll tell you why..." And then she proceeded to explain but honestly, I didn't hear a word of it because I was too busy doodling in my notebook. If I had to guess why she supports Jason with such gusto, it's because he has a penis. She likes those.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Come Together"
Oh man, she kicked that song's ass. I finally believe the Carly hype. It took me a while to warm up to her but she won me over tonight. She received a crazy amount of applause and unanimous praise from the judges. Hopefully she'll remember that next week and won't revert to selecting crap-ass songs.

David Cook
Performed: "Eleanor Rigby"
Nothing shocking here: I still hate him and all three judges bent right over for his so-so performance. This has got to stop.

Brooke White
Performed: "Let It Be"
Once again, Brooke showcased that awesome smoky texture in her vocals. She played solid piano throughout. Even better, she didn't fiddle with the arrangement but still kept it interesting. She did a great job. I loved how awed and humbled she was at the enormity of the stage and the moment. The judges ate it up as did I.

David Hernandez
Performed: "I Saw Her Standing There"
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME. I knew it would be before he even opened his mouth. I was, however, a little surprised to see him venture out into the audience and dance up on some o' the ladies, you know, given his sordid stripping past. Oh, why oh why weren't any of them holding out dollar bills?!? No one thought that might be kind of funny?!?! That's officially the lamest mosh pit ever.

Randy, Paula and Simon all thought David's performance sucked balls. I'm guessing American will too. See you in the Bottom Three, David.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "You Can't Do That"
Hi, nice Dude from Quiet Riot pants there, Amanda. Seriously, it looks like she shops at one of those stores where Brett Michaels takes his dates on "Rock of Love."

Sadly, the judges dug her so we're stuck with her for at least another week.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Across the Universe"
While not nearly as screechy or boring, Michael committed the same sin as Ramiele. He took one of the quieter songs in the songbook and dutifully sang it without any ooomph. Also, Rufus Wainwright covered that song a few years ago and no one else can touch it, in my opinion.

Randy finally got Michael's dick out of his mouth and opined that the song made him sleepy. Finally! He criticized him. Paula yammered on about "quiet confidence" or some bullshit. Simon said that while a good vocal, it was monotonous.

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "Eight Days a Week"
I just took a look at the notes I scribbled during the show and, at first, I thought I wrote "super fart" in response to Kristy's performance. If that vocal had a smell, it would be a equivalent to a super fart, I guess. What I actually wrote was "super fast." The tempo was way up. So much so that it sounded like a 33 being played on the 45 setting. Um, am I dating myself with the whole record player reference?

Simon actually said it best when he declared that she sounded like "Dolly Parton on helium." Paula hated it so much, she didn't even bother to tell Kristy how pretty she looked. That's bad. Randy said something negative too but, well, do you really care?

David Archuleta
Performed: "We Can Work It Out"
How come David got to wrap up the show yet again? I mean, I know the producers want him to win and stuff but seriously, didn't he already get the last slot during the Top 24? Must we be so obvious?!?

Randy didn't think it was on point. Paula agreed it wasn't his best but still fawned all over him anyway. Simon dubbed it a mess and criticized David for attempting the Stevie Wonder version of the song. At this point, I was too buzzed and tired to really give a shit.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Kristy Lee Cook, David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay
Going Home: Kristy and her twang are hitting the trail.

Top 12: Recap

This is the week we butcher songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook. How coked up did Seacrest seem? Answer: a lot. Also, why did they get all the "ethnic" contestants out of the way first?

Syesha Mercado: "Gotta Get You Into My Life"
Syesha is a "working actress." Nothing on IMDB, so I'm not buying it. It was pretty good, but I wish she had either lost the shirt or buttoned it up. It looks like she's doing a hungover Walk of Shame. Not as screamy as usual, anyway. Randy and Paula thought it was okay. Simon thought it was better than okay, but that she needs to get her nerves in check.

Chikezie Eze: "She's a Woman"
I haven't been a huge Chikezie fan, but I thought he rocked this. The judges agreed. Ryan went fucking bonkers. I blame the coke.

Ramiele Mulabey: "In My Life"
Ramiele works in a sushi restaurant and smells like soy sauce. Her song is dedicated to Danny Noriega. I thought it started out good then got boring. The judges agreed, except for Simon, who hated the beginning.

Jason Castro: "If I Fell"
I voted for him about six billion times. He's Columbian, by the way, for all of you Googlers looking for "Jason Castro ethnicity." It wasn't his best performance to date, but he's just a joy to watch. I can't stop smiling when he's on that stage. Randy thought it was just all right. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a boring bedroom performance.

The Kardashians were there!

Carly Smithson: "Come Together"
I've had a problem with Carly through this competition. She looks like a badass, but she wants to sing Celine Dion songs. I can't reconcile that in my head. She rocked the house tonight, though. She has a tremendous voice. The crowd went wild. Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson, and I can't disagree.

David Cook: "Eleanor Rigby"
I thought it was shaky and all over the place, but the judges wet themselves. It's official: We have our Chris Daughtry. Might I hope we get a surprise vote off as well? I hate to admit this, but I think he'd be hot with better hair. His hair hurts me.

Brooke White: "Let it Be"
This is the Beatles' last single. I did not know that. She seems uncomfortable behind the piano, like she doesn't know how to connect with the audience from that vantage point. She plays barefoot, which I find oddly endearing. The judges love it. I liked it a whole lot.

David Hernandez: "I Saw Her Standing There"
I was longing for Tiffany during this. It was okay. I liked it more than the judges, who thought it was overdone. Simon deemed it corny. Ryan says "Hernandez" the way Alex Trebec says, "Nicaragua."

Amanda Overmyer: "Can't Do That"
Dig the extensions. Don't dig the Steven Tyler get-up. It was fine, but I'm so over her. Did she lose a ton of weight, or is it the vertical stripes? Randy and Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty and slurry, but still likes her.

Tyrese was there!

Michael Johns: "Across the Universe"
I dug it. Ryan thought it was just okay. Paula loved it, because she wants to bone him. Simon found it monotonous.

Kristy Lee Cook: "Eight Days a Week"
Awful. Just awful. The country thing did not work, and she has crazy eyes. The judges all hated it. Simon deemed it "horrendous."

David Archuleta: "We Can Work It Out"
Forgot the words, lost his confidence, wouldn't stop licking his lips, butchered the whole thing. Everyone hated it.

Bottom three: David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay and Kristy Lee Cook
Going home: Ramiele Malubay

Recap: Top 12 Results Show

Damn! I went 2 for 4 this week. I'm really sucking this year with my predictions. But, in my defense, I did say that Kady Malloy might make it through at the expense of someone better. However, it was the other forgettable blond that benefited. Kristy Lee... Kady... same difference. Either way, Asia'h Epperson was robbed in a major way. America, you're a bunch of assholes.

Luke Menard's dismissal was neither surprising and way overdue. As for Danny Noriega's gasp-inducing ouster, he was probably a bit too cheeky for his own good. His 'tude was already wearing super thin so I don't think people wanted to deal with two more months of that.

But Danny-lovers should take heart, he'll be on "Ellen" soon enough and that Fat Alfonso Ribeiro won't be long for the competition. But then again, what the hell do I know? My prediction average blows this season. I'd calculate it but, well, I don't know how. Fuck math.

Top 16: Girls Recap

Sorry for the delay, peeps. At the risk of seeming unfaithful, the finale of "Project Runway" was on last night and my attention was rather divided. Monogamy is not my strong suit. I admit it.

Okay, so last night was rather lackluster and, as such, my recap will be the same. Blame the girls, not me.

Asia'h Epperson
Performed: "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Houston
Asia'h has a cool voice but I'm so over contestants singing Whitney, Mariah, et al. I mean, haven't they watched the previous seasons? The judges ALWAYS make the comparison. It's so boring. Plus, I hate this fucking song. But still, Asia'h didn't murder it so I'll give her that much.

Verdict: Safe

Kady Malloy
Performed: "Who Wants to Live Forever" by Queen
I like this girl. I just do. I don't agree with Simon that she's robotic. I just think she's not picking the best songs to showcase her personality. With that said, I thought she did a really good job tonight. If Kady sticks around, she has the makings of a Kat McPhee-sized crush, methinks.

Verdict: Probably going home but could stage another upset like last week.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "I Hate Myself for Loving You" by Joan Jett
Shit. This didn't suck. Between Simon's praise and the Vote for the Worst campaign, she's a shoo-in for the Top 12. The "I gargle with gravel" voice and Lily Munster hair live on.

Verdict: Safe, dammit.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "I Drove All Night" by Cyndi Lauper
Again with the Celine covers. Fuck you, people. Fuck you all to hell.

Verdict: Safe

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "Faithfully" by Journey
Quelle surprise! Randy Jackson name-dropped Journey. I didn't see that coming. God, I hate Randy. And I hated this song.

Verdict: Gonzo

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins
The song was fine but does anyone else find Ramiele a little scary? Lovely voice, mind you, but there's in that wee body of hers that gives me the major creeps.

Verdict: Safe

Brooke White
Performed: "Love Is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar
Damn, that was good. When Ryan announced her song choice before the commercial, I actually groaned. But she did a damn good job of it. There was a lovely smoky element to her voice that I just adored. I'm a little bummed she didn't do the arms-akimbo boob shimmy though. Danny Noriega no doubt would have fallen in step behind her and they would have rocked it. Pity.

Verdict: Safe

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Saving All My Love" by Whitney Houston
Syesha got the shaft when it came down to the judging. She got one-word answers from all the judges because the stage manager must have been gesturing wildly for them to wrap it up. I agree with Simon that it was "predicatable but good."

Verdict: Safe (both in standings and song choice)

Predictions
Sayonara, Kady Malloy and Kristy Lee Cook.

Top 16: Boys Recap

Okay, so I had this recap just about ready to go last night and then The Lovely Jess called and we BS'd for a couple of hours and by the time I got off the phone, I was too tired to check for typos and being the responsible journalist (HA HA HA HA) that I am, I decided to hold off publishing until my first cup of coffee kicked in this morning. Translation: I didn't feel like doing it last night.

So, a lot of this is retread from what Jess said because we share a brain and rarely have differing thoughts... except for that whole enjoying cock thing she's got going on. That's where we diverge.

Anyhoo, here's my recap which I will admit is rather bare because I had one eye on CNN watching the primary results. Such suspense and intrigue!

Luke Menard
Performed: "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" by Wham
Riddle me this: Why is Danny Noriega Vote for the Worst's pick? Why not Luke? I mean, I don't want Luke getting any more votes but he sucks way more ass than Danny. [Insert your own Danny sucks dick joke(s) here.]

Seriously, his voice will soon supplant Mary Hart's as a leading cause of seizures. In the interest of public health, please send him home now.

Verdict: Sucked big hairy dick.

David Archuleta
Performed: "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins
I hate this song. It reminds of when I had to work in the gift department at Drug Fair back in high school. Store management decided that soft rock would encourage shoppers to buy more Precious Moments figurines and this song came on ALL.THE.TIME. It drove me mad, I tell you. MAD. It was enough to make a bitch start throwing Hummels.

But this is about David, isn't it? Um, I agree with Randy... it didn't showcase his "vocal prowness."

Verdict: Sucked somewhat. And Randy needs to get a dictionary, dawg.

Danny Noriega
Performed: "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell
Danny, please don't make take back what I said about Luke being the ideal Vote for the Worst candidate.

Verdict: Sucked slightly less hairy dick than Luke's vocal hummer.

David Hernandez
Performed: "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Pandora's Box
Shocking. Danny didn't mention his being outed as a gay stripper as his most embarrassing moment. Well get mah smellin' salts. By the by, we posted that shit a couple of weeks ago. We scooped everyone. Worship us. Now.

Verdict: I'm excusing myself because I have an uncanny ability to automatically tune out songs covered by Celine Dion and/or Meatloaf (with the exception of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" for the latter). Seriously, other than the first few bars, nothing else registered. I have enough mental clutter without that chest-thumping Canuck and that hankie-toting grease ball taking up valuable space.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Don't You Forget about Me" by Simple Minds
Paula praised Michael's unique performance style, paying special attention to the way he holds the mic and hops around the stage. Funny, these are the very same things that irritated the shit out of me. It's reassuring to know that Paula and I are not on the same page.

Verdict: Didn't suck.

David Cook
Performed: "Hello" by Lionel Richie
Oh man. I wanted to hate that... but I didn't. But I still hate the hair and that face he makes when he's singing. He tilts his head back and shows us his nostrils. It's like he's saying, "Hey America, do I have a booger hanging from my nose?" Too bad David Hernandez didn't do that prior to his photo shoot.

Verdict: Didn't suck, but, speaking of David Hernandez's snot, if that dude ever uses the words "crusty" and "booger" in the same sentence again, I'll strangle him with his stripper G-string. Nasty.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen
I loved it. He's so adorable. Melissa McGee and The Lovely Jess can keep Michael Johns. I'll switch teams for Jason. And I think Simon will too based on his effusive praise.

Verdict: I loved it, duh.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro (aka Chikezie)
Performed: "She Fills Me Up" by Luther Vandross
See my earlier comment about Celine and Meatloaf.

Verdict: Sucked.

Predictions
Luke Menard and... hmm... Fat Alfonso Ribeiro are going home. Oh, and Paula will be hungover today.

Top 16 Recap: Da Boys

The 80s. I'm pretty psyched.

Luke Menard
Luke's most embarrassing 80s outfit was the one where his sister dressed him up in a tutu because she wanted a little sister. He's singing Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," and it's every bit as bad as you'd expect from cute, yet not very talented, Luke. It's too high and the pacing is all weird. I'd also to state for the records that on seven seasons of Idol, I have never liked a falsetto. Randy: Corny. Paula: She choreographed Wham's tour, and then some other stuff about how much she likes him even though he blows. Simon hated it, and thought it was girly. Simon and I are on the same page again, finally. Golly Luke's cute, though.

David Archuleta
Phil Collins. Ugh. He's very monochromatic and has to pee. His most embarrassing moment -- and when did we go from outfits from the 80s to moments? I was looking forward to the outfits -- was when he was singing for a fundraiser in Honduras and lost his voice, and his mom had to finish the song. He's playing the piano and singing, "Another Day in Paradise," and it's a lesser offensive Phil Collins song and he's awesome, of course. He lost the piano really quickly, though. Who is he, Kip Winger with the instrument as prop bullcrap? Randy didn't love the song choice. Paula wet herself twice, obviously. Simon wanted him to stay at the piano. Word! And he found it gloomy. Whatever – lil' David isn't going anywhere. Simon predicts "Final 2."

Denise Richards is there! She looks like a mannequin!

Danny Noriega
His friend tripped him in front of one of his crushes, and he ran. He's doing unspeakable things to Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" and has purple streaks in his hair. Okay, he pulled me back in. He has a shockingly good voice. It was still super weird for me. Randy hated the first half but loved the end. Paula likes how "real" he is, which I take several issues with. Simon hated it six ways to Sunday.

David Hernandez
He was doing a photo shoot (for his stripping career) and when he got the proofs back, he had a giant booger in his nose. Also, confession time. I love Celine Dion's version of this song. The Internets tell me someone called Pandora's Box did it, too, and I'm not sure which version David did, but I loved it. To put my love for this song into context, my all-time favorite band is Pantera. In fact, when he gets done singing, I'm going to rewind it and sing along. He's awesome, of course, and I'm full of glee. Has a dude ever sung a Celine song on this show before? I don't think so. Pretty ballsy, or vagina-y, however you want to look at it. Randy liked it but thought he was a little sharp at times. Paula thinks he got his groove back. Simon didn't like it as much as last week, but thinks he'll be there for sure next week. My version after the rewinding was not quite as good, FYI, and I'm pretty sure my landlords are going to evict me because of it.

Michael Johns
Sexy, sexy accent. Most embarrassing moment? Mascot work. Dressed as a kangaroo named "Boomer," and he got beat up by some guys in front of 20,000 people. He's singing Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)" and I love it from the first note. Randy thinks he's Michael Hutchens. I wouldn't go that far. Paula thinks the song choice was perfect. Simon liked it, but didn't love it. He thinks he's a better soul singer than a rock one.

David Cook
His most embarrassing moment was when he sang "Sandman," by America at a talent show as a little kid, and forgot the lyrics and stood there like a chump. He looks like an "after" shot of a Kid Rock makeover in that video, by the way. He's singing, "Hello," and I want to hate it but I don't, which makes me hate him even more. Randy loves it. Paula loves it. They both think it could be a hit today. Simon thinks Lionel Richie would love it.

Jason Castro
Finally! His most embarrassing moment was when he went out on a date with a girl and ripped one of his dreads off at the dinner table. She went out with him again, though, because how could she not? He's ditched the guitar, and totally spit while he was singing, but I don't care because he can do no wrong. Ever. He's rocking Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. Randy liked it. Paula liked his beautiful vulnerability. Simon thought it was brilliant. I voted for him three times.

Chikezie Eze
He went to the same bathroom every day in high school and then realized it was the women's room. He sounds good singing "All the (Wo)man That I Need" by Whitney Houston, but I'm still not feeling him. Also, whenever I hear this song and hear, "she fills me up," I think of Election and it grosses me out. Did they make him cut it short? Because it seemed awfully short. Also, when I tried to vote for Jason, I accidentally voted for Chikezie. So if he stays and someone great goes, it's probably my fault. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon found it to be cabaret.

The guys are pretty awesome this season, I have to say. I wish the girls were half as interesting.

Favorite: Jason Castro
Least favorite: Luke Menard
Going home: Luke and Chikezie

Top 20: Results Recap

Well, kids, there you have it. Almost 31 million people voted this week, and apparently a lot of them actually like Amanda Overmyer and Luke Menard. Luke's cute, so I can get that, but WHO THE HELL IS VOTING FOR AMANDA?! Dialers, show thyself! (Oh, I totally forgot about Dial Idol. Let's go see who they predicted. Okay, they had it too close to call.)

Here's who will not be your next American Idol: Jason Yeager, Alexandrea Lushington, Alaina Whitaker and Robbie Carrico.

Here are some things from the show worth mentioning, says me:

- David Cook is wearing a tuxedo T-shirt. David Cook, why are you trying so hard to make me hate you?

- Robbie took my advice about never removing the bandanna and showing us his nasty wig again. (Thanks to Jess for the link -- awesome name, lady.)

- Davd Archuleta was inconsolable during Alexandrea's singout. Ryan Seacrest also seemed a little choked up. That, or he finally hit puberty.

- Cat Deeley from So You Think You Can Dance? was in the audience. Love her!

And now, some announcements:

- March 11th: Top 12. Ruben Studdard recorded the new exit song. Nigel and company finally got their grubby little hands on the Lennon/McCartney song book, which means Beatles week. Prediction: Michael Johns will sing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds and David Cook will sing Helter Skelter. Anyone want to bet me? Ooooh, I'm sensing a contest coming up! Stay tuned.

- April 9th: "Idol Gives Back." Last year, they raised 75 million dollars for Katrina victims and Africa, and won an Emmy. This year, they're going to have; Brad Pitt, Miley Cyrus, Reese Witherspoon, Mariah Carey, Daughtry and Carrie Underwood.

- Robbie Carrico has an insanely beautiful girlfriend for a former boy bander with a bad wig and an identity complex.

Check in for new updates early next week. I'm unemployed and have a new laptop on the way -- I may even post that shit DAILY!

Top 20 Recap: Boys

70s week. Jesus. Kill me now.

Michael Johns 'Go Your Own Way' (Fleetwood Mac)
Michael Johns has a shocking secret, y'all. He plays tennis. Yawn. Double yawn on his song. It was okay, but nothing remotely "wow" about it. Still hot, though. I'd do him. So would Paula Abdul, obviously.

Jason Castro 'I Just Want to Be Your Everything' (Bee Gees)
Jason Castro IS my everything. God he's adorable. His shocking secret is that he doesn't like to talk, which works out just fine for me, because I have no talking in mind whatsoever. (Sorry, I get a little frisky when I have my period. TMI!) The judges think he didn't pick such a great song, and I agree. They also thing he should lose the guitar next week. Again, I agree.

Luke Menard 'Killer Queen' (Queen)
You know, I don't really like to talk about my fair. That said, Luke is only rocking the required amount of flair, and if he wants to emulate Freddie Mercury, he's going to have to step it up a bit methinks. Don't you want to express yourself, Luke? Also, shocking secret: Homeboy sings in an a capella group.

Robbie Carrico 'Hot Blooded' (Foreigner)
Is anyone shocked to find out that Robbie drag races? I'm not. Everything about Robbie is overcompensation for being in a boy band -- the long hair, the wallet chain, the bandanna, the "rock," the drag racing ... this guy is knee-deep in an identity crisis. Speaking of the bandanna, I take back everything I said about it last week -- he should never, ever take it off again. The performance was okay, but it felt a little boring and safe, which is my general feeling on the guys up to this point this week.

Danny Noriega 'Superstar' (The Carpenters)
Danny's secret is he used to be in a terrible punk band. I didn't love this performance -- a bit old-fashioned for someone sorting such a kicky sweater. I did like he he managed to be bitchy, respectful and funny all at once during his criticism, though.

David Hernandez 'Papa Is a Rolling Stone' (The Temptations)
David Hernandez used to be a gymnast, which I bet made him a very popular stripper. If, you know, that stripper thing is actually true, which is may not be, but those smoldering gazes tonight made me think it might be. Anyway, I thought he rocked this. I forgot how awesome he is. And I like that he showed a bit of personality to boot. He gets all my dollar bills.

Jason Yeager 'Long Train Running' (The Doobie Brothers)
Oh, Jason Yeager. Such a nice fella. So bound for a Carnival cruise line. Maybe he and Haley Scarnato can tour together. His secret is that e plays a lot of instruments, and fathered a child before he hit puberty. Okay, I made that last part up.

Chikezie Eze 'I Believe to My Soul' (Donny Hathaway)
Chikezie's secret is that his name is Nigerian and actually sounds much cooler the way it's actually pronounced. He won me over a bit this week, but the wink pissed me off a little. Don't wink, people. It's not cute -- it's smarmy.

David Cook 'All Right Now' (Free)
I am so torn about David Cook. On the one hand, he's a word nerd. Me too! That makes me want to like him. On the other hand, his hair. On the other hand, when he performs, I generally lie it. On the other hand, don't give Simon attitude -- it makes you look like a defensive douche. I would liken my opinion of David Cook to that of Linkin Park -- I've been trying to hate that band for years but then I find myself jamming out to a song on the radio and say, "Who's this?" and inevitably, it's Linkin Park.

David Archuleta 'Imagine' (John Lennon)
David's secret is that he went to the first season finale and sang for everyone in the lobby and Kelly Clarkson called him "dude" and gave him a big hug. And I'm going to be totally honest here, unlike the sugarcoating and being too nice that I usually do -- I did not get this kid up until now. I mean, sure, great voice. Cute enough kid. But "eh." This performance sealed it for me, though -- I thought it was fantastic. I mean, he made Paula Abdul cry! No one's ever done that! Okay, that wasn't true. I'm a liar.

Favorite: David Archuleta
Least favorite: Luke Menard
Going home: Jason Yeager and Luke Menard

Top 24: Girls Quasi-Recap

Dude, I totally fell asleep during the show last night. Knocked out cold. Could it be, oh I don't know, all the lullabies those broads were singing? This lineup is more effective than any Ambien, let me tell you.

And away we go (partially)...

Kristy Lee Cook
That was pretty bad but the poor girl looked like she was hit by a truck. Still, I don't think the flu sympathy vote will be enough to save her. Sorry, Kristy, but you'll soon be singing "Amazing Grace" -- sans horse -- elsewhere.

Joanne Borgella
Hudson County represent! My girl's from Hoboken, a can of Aqua Net's-throw from where I grew up. I think she has a great voice. Not that you could tell from her song choice last night. Not good, Joanne.

And I'm with Jess, Papa Borgella had a murderous look in his eyes when Simon ripped his daughter to shreds. I'm usually on board with the Cowell but he was a right douche to her last night.

Alaina Whitaker
Good, I guess. This is when the eyelids started to get a bit droopy.

Amanda Overmyer
I didn't hate this as much as Jess did but that's not to say I liked it either. Amanda scares me and as such, I'm afraid she'll run me down on her chopper if I'm too harsh. So I'm just going to leave it at that.

Amy Davis
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

Brooke White
The thing that struck me most about this was Paula telling Brooke how original she was... after she sang the very same song David Cook sang the night before. I don't know. I was downright punchy at this point of the program and that thought seemed really, "Whooooooooooooooooa!" and all profound last night. Fifteen hours later? Not so much.

Alexandrea Lushington
It didn't suck. Also, I hope Alexandrea doesn't have a drinking problem with that last name of hers. Far.too.easy.

Kady Malloy
Like Jess, I loathe this song. Mostly, it brings back memories of high school dances when the DJ would bring my fun to a grinding halt by trotting out the Phil Collins version of this song. All the sappy couples would get up to slow dance and I, and my unfortunate mullet, would sit off on the side scowling and feeling all persecuted.

But I digress. I like Kady. I think she's funny. Last night, however, I think she tried to shoehorn herself into a format that she mistakenly thought the judges would like. If given another shot, I believe she'll come out swinging much to everyone's surprise and delight.

Asia'h Epperson
And this, my friends, is where I was full-on snoring. No offense to Asia'h. I'm a fan of hers. It's her predecessors that primed me for a full-on coma though. So, blame them for this half-assed recap.

Predictions: Kristy Lee Cook and Amy Davis are gonzo.

Top 24 Recap: The Ladies

More Ryan Seacrest bullshit about the best talent pool ever. I wish he'd just be honest and say it gets worse every year, but that he and Simon are going to flirt with each other even more to make up for it. Also, who keeps doing that to Paula's hair? That person should be fired immediately.

Kristy Lee Cook: "Rescue Me" (Aretha Franklin)
I believe we have this season's Haley Scarnato. Let's see if she stays around long enough to wear a scrunchie for a skirt. Terrible song choice, although she sounded pretty good at the end.

Joanne Borgella: "I Say a Little Prayer" (Dionne Warwick)
Joanne is really pretty. And extremely likeable. That said, I thought the song kind of swallowed her -- I'm not sure if it's her fault or the arrangement, but it didn't work for me. Simon was really harsh on her, I think, but she handled it like a champ. Her parents were super pissed, though. Cowell better watch his back.

Alaina Whitaker: "More Today Than Yesterday" (Spiral Staircase)
Would those one-armed shirts just die already? She did a good job. No snark here. She'll get her 17th birthday present.

Amanda Overmyer: "Baby, Please Don't Go" (Van Morrison)
I hated that. She seemed unsure of herself, she was all over the place, and the band totally drowned out her vocals. She's on the wrong show -- she should sign up for the next season of Rock Star. She won't win, but at least I won't have to listen to her anymore. Why do the judges like her so much? I don't get it.

Amy Davis: "Where the Boys Are" (Connie Francis)
What does a trade show model do? What kind of trade shows? Is it different from being a regular model? I need to know more. She seemed stoned, like she and all of her friends were passing around a joint and then this song came on and she was all, "Shit, man, I love this song" and her friends were all, "Sing it, dude. Sing it." And then she did. And everyone was all, "Cool."

Brooke White: "Happy Together" (The Turtles)
The Alleged Mormon wore an awful lot of makeup. I like Brooke a lot, but I didn't love her singing this song. It sounded whiny at times, and the end bit was downright annoying. She'll have a chance to bring it back next week, I'm sure. Also, I want to try whatever hair product she uses, provided it fits into an unemployed girl's budget.

Alexandrea Lushington: "Spinning Wheel" (Blood, Sweat and Tears)
I didn't love the falsetto, but then again, I never do. She was good. I dig her.

Kady Malloy: "Groovy Kind of Love" (The Mindbenders)
I hate this song with the fire of a thousand suns. She looks like about four famous actresses mashed together: Dominique Swain, Jessica Biel, ScarJo, and that chick who played Paige on the new Degrassi. And I spent so much time thinking of all that during her performance that I missed it entirely, but it was even boring in the background.

Asia'H Epperson: "Piece of My Heart" (Janis Joplin)
I was worried about this, but I actually liked it a lot. She totally made it her own, and I thought it worked really well.

Ramiele Malubay: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" (Dusty Springfield)
I love her voice, and she's adorable. 'Nuff said.

Syesha Mercado: "Tobacco Road" (The Nashville Teens)
I like her when she isn't yelly -- I especially like her lower register. If she can keep that screamy nonsense in check, she could go pretty far this season. I also admire her accessorizing skills, as not many people can rock a loud scarf and busy earrings so consistantly.

Carly Smithson: "The Shadow of Your Smile" (Tony Bennett)
Not to be all xenophobic and whatnot, but should people from other countries be allowed to win AMERICAN Idol? I mean, what's the average American to do when foreigners and D-list celebrities start stealing our reality television spots away from us? Also, if you took that seriously and got offended, you should probably be reading another blog. I was with Simon on this one. I expected something more.

Favorite: Asia'H Epperson

Least favorite: Amanda Overmyer

Going home: Amy Davis and Kady Malloy

Good night y'all. I'll fix all the typos tomorrow. xoxo, jess

More Top 24: Boys

The good news is, I lost my job, which means more time for Midol! Here we go:

David Hernandez
By the time I got to the end of the show, I couldn't even remember it.

Chikezie
Ditto on everything Curly said, plus, nice zoot suit, dude. He looks like he'd sidle up to me in a dimly-lit lounge and say, "If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?"

David Cook
Word on what Curly said about Alice in Chains. Blasphemy! Despite the fact that he looks like that accountant in your office who plays in a cover band on the weekends, I actually thought his performance was interesting. I would say I loved it, but I didn't hate it. And trust me, I wanted to.

Jason Yeager
Now this I actually wanted to like. He seems like such a nice fella, and he fathered a kid when he was like 12, and he just seems so shiny and happy. But the whole thing was very high school talent show. I do hope he makes it through another week and improves, though.

Two asides. This is the gayest season of Idol, ever, what with all of the confirmed gays, probably gays and maybe gays. I love it. Also, Paula was wasted, what will all the babbling and eye closing and head shaking. Yay!

Robbie Carrico
I dug it. I can't help it. But he needs to stop copping Bret Michaels' look, for real. I agree with Simon about not trusting the "authenticity," though. And his being all, "I'm a rocker because I wear a bandana!" thing didn't help, either.

David Archuleta
Look, I think the kid is adorable and he has a great voice, but I just did not get that at all. I pretty much hated it. Also, I am disturbed by Curly's hatred of Bindi Irwin.

The next batch isn't worth paragraph form. Danny Noriega needs to pick a better song next time. Luke Menard is very cute, but boring. I loved Colton Berry's Ellen Degeneres joke, but he'd be much better on Broadway.

Garrett Haley
He looks like this musical theater dude I dated for awhile. I want to shave his upper lip real bad. His song wasn't that great, but he has two things going for him: a great attitude and the pre-teen girl vote.

Jason Castro
I love him. LOVE him. He is gorgeous and talented and humble and I want to spend hours playing with his dreads and staring into his eyes on a blanket in the middle of a field, where I eat berries we just picked in our bare feet while he plays guitar and sings a song he wrote for me the night before. Not that I've given this any thought or anything. Seriously, though. I couldn't stop smiling while he was performing. He's awesome.

Michael Johns
I wish he'd done a song we hadn't already seen him perform during Hollywood Week. He's starting to feel a little one-note for me. And his scarf hurts me.

My favorite so far: Jason Castro

Least favorite: Chikezie

Going home: Luke Menard and David Hernandez

Top 24: Boys Recap

Oy. Tonight's show was not exactly the most promising way to kick off this next phase of the competition. Hopefully now that the first show is out of the way, the kids will stop soiling themselves long enough to scrape together a respectable effort. Let's see how they did, shall we?

David Hernandez
Performed: "In the Midnight Hour" by Wilson Pickett

The song was fine but, truthfully, I was totally distracted by how much David's... father, I guess? looks like Phil Margera. Uncanny. I wonder if David wakes him up in the middle of the night and kicks the shit out of him. Yeah, probably not.

Chikeze
Performed: "More Today Than Yesterday" by The Spiral Starecase

Wow, that was rough. It started out really low and just never got better. Yet, Randy and Paula fawned all over it. I felt redeemed when Simon criticized the song and then quickly incensed when Chikeze got super cheeky and eye-rolly. I was trying not to go there but after that hissy fit?! Well, that behavior, my friends, just earned Chikeze a new nickname from me on this blog: Fat Alfonso Ribeiro. Please make note.

David Cook
Performed: "So Happy Together" by The Turtles

Dear David,
You simply cannot rock a mic stand when you have three backup singers behind you cheerfully chirping "Bah bah bah bah bah bah!" Douche.

Sincerely,
Curly

P.S. Tell Randy that if ever compares you to Alice in Chains again, I'll twirl that mic stand right up his ass. Sideways. Thanks!

Jason Yeager
Performed: "Moon River" by Andy Williams

A quick reenactment of my reaction to this song:
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. OMG, is his son wearing a wig? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Robbie Carrico
Performed: "One" by Three Dog Night

Well, that blew. Seriously. I don't get the praise heaped on him by all three judges. He may very well be this year's Constantine for me. I hated that fucker from the get-go and my stance did not soften. Robbie and his dramatic finger pointing and gesturing bullshit are headed in the same direction.

David Archuleta
Performed: "Shop Around" by The Miracles

Careful, David... you're quickly venturing into creepy Bindi Irwin territory. I used to think she was cute and now? Well, frankly, I want to kick her in the face. If you don't dial it down a bit, you too will be eating my kicks tout de suite.

Danny Noriega
Performed: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis

Question: Should a skinny, slight gay boy like Danny REALLY be singing about prison?

Luke Menard
Performed: "Everybody's Talking at Me" by Harry Nilsson

Pack your hoodie and go, Luke. You bore me. And the rest of America too, I'm guessing.

Colton Berry
Performed: "Suspicious Minds" by Elvis

For some reason, I want to like Colton. I guess I feel bad that his achievement was sort of overshadowed last week by Simon's loving ode to the just-ousted Kyle. Colon got a luke-warm congratulations and then the rest of the time was spent fawning of Arvid Engen's younger brother.

Colton, do me a solid here and stop, you know, sucking. It will make things easier on the both of us.

Garrett Haley
Performed: "Breaking up Is Hard to Do" by Neil Sedaka

Do you know what's even harder, Garrett? Keeping my eyes open during your song.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Daydream" by The Lovin' Spoonful

He's so pretty. I think I found my boyfriend for the season.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Light My Fire" by The Doors

Things got a little screamy as the song progressed but it didn't blow, I guess. Can you tell I'm running out of things to say?

Predictions: Buh-bye, Luke Menard and Jason Yeager.

Recap: Audition Recap

Whoa, I just blew my mind.

Okay, I totally fell asleep while watching the show last night so this will be spotty.

I remember a puppy. And I remember wanting to eat it, it was so cute. I remember the blond chick who owned it. I also remember wanting to kick the Douchebag Doublemint Twins accompanying her in the balls. If the owner of the puppy had balls, I would have kicked her in them. Sadly, anatomy prevents me from properly dishing out poetic justice. Well, I suppose I could kick her in the vagina. Yes, it's official: I want to kick her in the cooch. And then steal her puppy.

Then there was the broad with the self-proclaimed God-given talent. And here I thought the Voice of God was Walter Kronkite. I stand corrected.

Breaking News: Church attendance declines; atheism on the rise. Former parishioners cite "yelly voice of God" as reason for their loss of faith.

Um, what else... I also vaguely recall a semi-hot chick who sang "Blue Bayou" and had a sob story about her single mom who had a lot kids. Call me cynical but it sounds like she just took the story of "There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe" and updated it to sway the producers. Next year, I'm going to audition for "Idol" and I'm going to tell them that I'm homeless because a wolf blew my house down. Hopefully I'll make it to Hollywood too!

I seriously don't remember the rest because I was sawing logs quite vigorously by this point. I'm so done with auditions. However, I'm so ready for the dashed hopes and crushed dreams of Hollywood Week. In fact, I'm off to sharpen my knives right now. Adieu.

Precociousness (?) thy name is Julia.

Okay people:

(and Hello! Nice to meet you, by the way. I’m a little nervous, but Tom Cruise pumped to share the blogosphere with the lovely, funny ladies here on American Midol; but I’ll try to keep my couch bouncing and grave superiority in the fact that I know I’m the only one who can Really Help them in check as best I can)

this girl at last night’s Miami auditions epitomizes every reason for not exposing your kids to the biz until, well, they’re at least 18, preferably like 24 and technically no longer kids.



16-year-old Julia Dubela was a contestant on an Idol spin-off for the tween set I vaguely remember catching a few times called American Juniors. I’m gonna go out on a limb here in assuming a record deal wasn’t on the heels of her first TV debut at the age of 12, since four years later she crowded into a stadium with the sweaty hoi-polloi for a second shot at reality stardom, mugging for the cameras within an inch of her life.

Fair enough, but unfortunately, it seems Julia got a wee mixed up in her Fox shows, as she showed up to the Idol auditions wearing one of the dresses wardrobe gave her for American Juniors. This HAS to be the explanation for why her cooter was coming dangerously close to having its own solo (how her makeup kit got switched with Miss Piggy’s, I really can’t explain, but one thing at a time). I refuse to believe that any mother with eyesight would let that kind of hemline and peek-a-boo bra straps accompany her daughter down the block to the corner store, much less national television.

What made Julia’s audition really cringe-inducing though is the Lolita-esque angle the producers crammed down our throats that she was way too happy to validate. We see footage of her singing on American Juniors where she’s fresh-faced, modestly attired and rocking some cute little girl bangs, and you know, a 12-year-old. Cut to present day shots of her posing in a way that tells us she totally thinks she’s the hottest pop tart in Miami and somehow equates the passage of four years with 15 and it’s really uncomfortable—this girl fully expects America to be bowled over by her graduation from Limited Too to Forever 21, and she couldn’t be more mistaken.

Luckily Simon and Co. were similarly creeped out by the forced and Oh So Wrong professionalism she exuded that all child stars cultivate (“what’s precocious?”she asks the judges for the final nail in the coffin) and her inability to turn herself “off” even after she blew it. Her voice wasn’t half bad, but they told her she should have waited a few more years to audtion, and I totally agree, since I hope to God she’ll look back on her Idol footage ten years from now and want to crawl into a hole and die.

“Go to L.A and become an actress,” Simon suggested to her at the end. “You’ll do great.”

Um, okay, maybe on the CW, Simon, and that’s a honkin maybe. She should probably just crawl into that hole now, come to think of it.

Recap: Dallas Auditions

Okay, so this can't technically be called a recap just yet because I'm not done watching the show. This isn't technically live blogging either since the show concluded more than two hours ago. This will read more like a series of disjointed brain farts. Oh wait, all of my posts read like a series of disjointed brain farts, don't they?

So refresh every now and then and you may very well catch the whiff of a brand new fart. Get your noseplugs ready.

Paul Stafford
So even though I'm only like 10 minutes into a 2-hour broadcast, I'm confident in stating that he just uttered the best unintentional quote of the evening:

"Simon didn't come down on me like I thought he would... 'cause he goes down on just about everybody."

OMG, Paul not only outed Simon, he called him a dirty whore as well. Besmirched!

Drucila Wideman
One look at this 16-year-old and I thought, "Oh look, it's Dee, the sarcastic younger sister on What's Happening?!"

Wow, dude, did I really just trot out a Friends reference? I MUST be tired.

Alaina Whitaker
Did girlfriend just say Carrie Underwood looks like her? Somebody hold my gold. Oooh, Simon just took her down a peg. I like when Simon and I gang up on bitches. Oh wait, the fucker put her through to Hollywood! SIMON!! Perhaps he was, as Paul Stafford suggested, blowing Ryan during her so-so audition and didn't hear it. That's the only explanation.

Bruce Dickson
Here we have the chaste 19-year-old with the virginity key hanging from his neck. It's a promise to his father to stay pure until he's married. Not that there's anything wrong with being a virgin but why the hell is his dad so involved in this? Suddenly that last name takes on a new significance.

Brandon Green
I will NOT discuss the finger nails. Should he make it through to the finals, I will forever lobby for his ouster. You simply cannot gross me out like that and can get away with it.

Kayla Hatfield
Amy Sedaris could totally play her if a movie of her life was ever made.

Douglas Davidson
In his pre-audition interview, Douglas informed us that his father hates him. Because of his talent, of course. It has absolutely nothing to do with his maniacal pacing, neverending vocal warm-ups and profuse sweating.

More to come tomorrow. With pictures!

The Finale: The Recap

In the immortal words of Barry Manilow... looks like we maaaaaaaaaade it! Finally! Sweet Jesus, this season took long enough to wrap up. It started out promising but it quickly descended into a steaming pile of poop and never quite recovered.

Speaking of a pile o' poop, let's discuss the two-hour finale, shall we?

The evening started out on a dubious note with Blake and Jordin performing a lifeless duet of "I Saw Her Standing There." Then Ryan introduced Gwen Stefani who was beamed in via satellite (although, it could have been pre-taped because the show is just that shady).

Gwen then warbled "4 In The Morning" while sporting a bunched-up frock that looked like it got stuck in her pantyhose when she visited the little girl's room. Not attractive.

Next up was the first in a series of painful Golden Idol Awards. Why? Why must we be tortured with this bullshit? Anyhoo, a yellow feather-clad Margaret Fowler took home the prize for "Best Presentation" and then proceeded to dry hump Ryan Seacrest in a most disturbing fashion...

Ew. I may never recover.

Then Smokey Robinson sang a couple of ditties with the Top 6 guys. I guess it sounded good. I can't say for sure because I was too busy scrutinizing Phil Stacey's suspect dance moves. Man, he sucks.

Up next, Blake and Doug E. Fresh engaged in a wee bit o' -- quelle surprise -- beatboxing...

Actually, if I'm being honest, I didn't think it was all that bad.

Then there was some other Golden Idol Award crap that I don't feel like discussing further.

Gladys Knight and Tony Bennett then swooped in (separately) and lent an air of class to the proceedings.

As Ryan introduced Tony Bennett, we got a glimpse of Constantine Maroulis who once again fucked the camera with his patented beady eyes/pursed lips combo. If that wasn't bad enough, the director cut to a shot of an applauding Justin Guarani who managed to look slimy even when appreciatively clapping for a legend such as Tony Bennett. Douche.

And then yet another unfunny Golden Idol Award where we witnessed Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth "Bush Baby" Briggs receving the "Best Buddies" trophy...

Because, apparently, these two easy targets weren't exploited enough during the auditions back in January, they had to be trotted out once again for a bit more ribbing in front of an audience of millions. It was bordering on cruel.

Up next was Melinda Doolittle singing about Jesus or turning on the lights or some such with CeCe and BeBe Winans. Then Jordin and Blake were informed by Ryan that they were each getting a Mustang courtesy of Ford. Blake then did a Borat impersonation that firmly cemented my hatred of him. Blake, not Borat. I adore Borat. I just hate young guys who impersonate him, you see. Ditto for people who do Pee Wee Herman impressions. I really hate people who do that.

And then we reached my favorite part of the whole show -- the African Children's Choir...

I adore these kids to no end. Look at their faces! Their energy and exuberance are completely infectious. I love them.

However, that good will was short-lived because a few minutes later, Sanjaya took the stage and once again desecrated "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. This time with the aid of Aerosmith's Joe Perry. What did Ray Davies ever do to you, Joe Perry?!! Shame on you!

And once again, Ashley Ferl, the infamous Crying Girl, was there and, as usual, she was in hysterics. Somebody medicate that kid. Now.

Adding insult to injury, Taylor Hicks then took the stage and tarded his way through "Heaven Knows" effectively draining what little joy and enthusiasm I had left in me. However, I did derive some pleasure by snapping this photo of Taylor where I captured him in full Stroke Mouth glory...

Up next Jordin Sparks and Ruben Studdard performed "You're All I Need to Get By." So wait a second... Blake gets to perform with an accomplished performer like Doug E. Fresh and Jordin has to settle for the least remarkable Idol winner ever? How is that fair? First, the producers make her sing a lame Donna Summer song last week and now this? Why do they hate her so? Why?

Then Bette Midler came out and sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" and I fast forwarded it because while I'm down with the Divine Miss M, I really don't ever need to hear that song ever again. Seriously, does anyone still have a real jones for this tune?

Oh wait, it turns out Jerry Springer does! So much so that he was moved to tears...

Dude, even The Hoff didn't cry this year. Pussy.

Then there was a tribute to The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" album. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It was just... random, for lack of a better word. I know they were celebrating the album's 40th anniversary but the lineup, transitions, etc. were just weird and kind of jarring, complete with Taylor pantomiming taking a bullet to the head during "A Day in the Life." Pity he was only "acting."

However, I will say that Kelly Clarkson did an admirable job with the titular song accompanied by Joe Perry who redeemed himself after his earlier Kinks infraction... I guess.

And then, finally, we reached the end of this exhausting marathon where we were rewarded with a proper and just outcome... uh, you know, considering our choices...

Ha ha! Suck on it, Blake.

That's it for now but don't start your blubbering just yet because we still have a few things to sort out. I'll have a Season 6 wrap-up in the days to come plus a final installment of The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram before we start winding things down for the season.

After that, feel free to bawl away.

The Top 2: The Belated, Half-Assed Recap

A pox upon us for a lack of a recap today. Those pesky day jobs of ours picked a fine time to get in the way of our Idol obsession. Oh, and there was also the small matter of me being out last night drinking my face off whilst playing Ms. Pac Man. If you haven't tried to gobble ghosts and power pellets while intoxicated, I suggest you do so immediately.

So I watched the show last night in the wee hours of the morning and I didn't really take notes because, well, I didn't feel like it. I'm tired, yo. This has been a long ass, boring season and it's really taking a toll on my motivation and creativity. Oh, and did I mention that I was rather drunk? A sure sign of my lack sobriety was the fact that I made toast at 1:00 am. You know I'm good and hammered when I start toasting shit late at night. I even set off my fire alarm because I had the toaster setting on too high. So, I not only had to eat blackened cinnamon raisin toast, I also managed to piss off my neighbors. Awesome.

So, now, on with what I can remember about the show...

What scary ass army is Randy Jackson a member of? That general's outfit?! What?!?!

Paula was doped up something fierce last night and as such, she's going out with a bang on this week's Insanity Index. Awww yeah.

Blake Lewis was mediocre at best. I fast forwarded his first performance ("You Give Love a Bad Name,") because I hated it during Bon Jovi week and there was no possible way I would hate it any less this week. Then, just when I thought he couldn't annoy me further, he busted out ANOTHER Maroon 5 song and it was dumb and boring and stupid and asinine. And then he was made to sing the songwriting competition song ("This Is My Now") and he sucked to high heaven and embarrassed himself but, miraculously, he got a pass from the judges simply because they said it wasn't the type of song Blake is used to singing. Well, tough shit. Hard work is not the type of work I'm used to doing but my bosses don't see that as a viable excuse for shoddiness. Bullshit. In the words of the immortal Tim Gunn, make it work, Blake.

Jordin Sparks attempted Christina Aguilera ("Fighter") in the first round and while it wasn't spectacular, she didn't make an ass of herself. She aced round two with a reprise of "A Broken Wing" from country week and made Blake look the marginally-talented one-note weenie that he is. Jordin finished up with a superior take on the otherwise dreadful "This Is My Now" and further proved that she's got the goods to win the whole kit and kaboodle.

Ew, I can't believe I just wrote "kit and kaboodle." I told you I was fed up.

Predictions:
Take a bow, Jordin. Sit and spin, Blake.

The Top Three: The Recap

Greetings and welcome to your weekly alcohol-fueled recap. Sadly, I'm not quite tanked up yet. However, I'm diligently working on it as I write this (courtesy of Blue Moon Honey Moon Summer Ale, thank you very much.) In retrospect, I should have started swigging this stuff sooner. Oh well, live and learn.

Now, is it just me or was Simon completely defanged tonight? What the fuck was that about? And Paula, dammit, wasn't all high and stuff. This makes me very cranky and I will take this dissatisfaction and... and... uh, translate it into data and then plot it on this week's Scattergram. All the rage and ambition fell out of that potentially emphatic declaration of revolt shortly after I started it. Sorry.

And now, on with the show...

Jordin Sparks
First Song: "Wishing on a Star" by Rose Royce (selected by
Simon Cowell)
This song was wobbly at the start but about halfway through, Jordin grabbed hold and smoothed it out. I dug it. As did Randy and Paula. Despite the fact that he selected it, Simon wasn't happy with the band's "weird jazz arrangement." Ryan dusted off his powers of selective listening and crowed that Simon didn't like his own song, an annoying non-fact he kept repeating because he's an annoying douche.

Second Song: "She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer (selected by the producers)
Unlike the judges who were unanimous in their praise, I thought this sucked balls. I don't blame Jordin. I blame the producers who saddled the poor girl with this relic. Clearly, they hate Jordin. I think because they're getting as tired of her heart-shaped and text-messaging hand gestures as I am.

Third Song: "I Who Have Nothing" by Shirley Bassey
(selected by Jordin)
Jordin resurrected this song from British Invasion Week. If she's going to rely on a repeat then I'm going to do the same by referring y'all to what I wrote back then.

Blake Lewis
First Song: "Roxanne" by The Police (selected by Paula Abdul)
Well, that sucked. And what was up with all that echo? I don't need to third and fourth generation versions of this bullshit.

I don't want to think about this song anymore. Let's look at an unflattering photo of Blake, shall we?

And here's one of the dumb ass sending the mic flying after fucking around with the stand:

Second Song: "This Love" by Maroon 5 (selected by the producers)
If I hate anyone more than Blake, it's Maroon 5. I don't know why since I rarely pay them any attention yet somehow, they've managed to find themselves on my "I hate you" radar. Sucks to be you, Maroon 5.

Third Song: "When I Get You Alone" by Robin Thicke
(selected by Blake)
Okay, so I don't know much about this Robin Thicke character except that his dad is Jason Seaver and he has a mind-boggling falsetto. To clarify, Robin has the falsetto, not Jason Seaver. Well, maybe Jason Seaver did but to my knowledge, there was no episode of "Growing Pains" devoted to it. However, in retrospect, there should have been.

You can't hear it but I'm now singing the theme song in the gnarliest falsetto I can muster. "Show me that smile again..."

Ahem. But I digress, I've seen Robin Thicke's appearances on "Today" and "American Idol" and both times, I sat there stunned and simultaneously repelled by the stank that was seeping out of my television's speakers. I honestly don't get the appeal. His voice was whispery, thin and really high. It sounded like a joke. Alas, it was the real deal and apparently, it's tearing up the charts.

I do not understand America.

So, getting back to tonight, I scowled when I heard Robin Thicke's name and was dreading Blake's attempt at being a castrato. And then, out came this other uptempo song sung in a normal register and I was actually relieved. Which is not to say I liked it, mind you, but I was grateful for the fact that Blake didn't sing as if his balls were in a vice.

So, uh, good stuff, I guess?

Melinda Doolittle
First Song: "I Believe in You and Me" by Whitney Houston (selected by Randy Jackson)
I tend to hate Whitney ballads but this shit was good. Although, it pains me to give even an ounce of credit to anything associated with Randy. I hate him. Maybe more than Maroon 5. But not nearly as much as I loathe Al Roker. Fuck you, Al!

Second Song: "Nutbush City Limits" by Ike and Tina Turner (selected by the producers)
That was hot. And the word "nutbush" makes me giggle. 'Cause I'm a juvenile tard like that.

Third Song: "I'm a Woman" by Peggy Lee (selected by Melinda)
Oh goodie! Another repeat. And you know what that means! Less work for me!!

Predictions: Before tonight's episode, I thought for sure that Blake was easily on his way out but that fucker managed to get decent reviews after each performance. Stupid asswipe. However, I don't think it was enough to stop Melinda and Jordin from making it to the finals.

And it seems that you guys agree. At press time (hee hee, I still get a kick out of saying that), Blake has 63 percent of the going-home vote.

Didn't vote yet? Well, what are you waiting for? The poll will be open until 9:00 PM EST on Wednesday. Speak now or you can't bitch about the results. That's our job, remember?

The Final Four: The Recap

Good evening, ladies and germs. And I do mean germs. A lovely rattling cough has settled into my chest and it's making me quite miserable. Mmm... dry, barking cough. 'Tis lovely, 'tis. Between that and some girl trouble, I wasn't really in the mood to watch "American Idol" tonight much less take my usual batch of grainy photos. But I did watch and take notes but the camera remained buried in my bag somewhere so there will be no visual aids this week. If I have to be in pain, so do you all of you. Sharing is caring, yo.

Also noteworthy: I'm not drinking Riesling tonight. I bought beer instead (Corona Extra, if you must know) because I'm sort of mopey and I don't want to end up all depressed. Wine makes me weepy, you see. Also, I'm starting to get funny looks from the cashier at the Heights Chateau when I stop in for my weekly fix of Clean Slate so I'm lying low for a while. And by "a while," I mean until next Tuesday. Or maybe tomorrow. We'll see.

On with the show...

So Barry Gibb was tonight's mentor. He was pleasant and helpful, I suppose. However, the most noticeable thing about Barry had to be those ill-fitting dentures. Someone needs to call Select Dental, methinks.

Melinda Doolittle
First Song: "Love You Inside and Out"
Yet another solid yet non-descript vocal. She was roundly pooh-poohed as boring by the judges.

Second Song: "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?"
This started out dull and boring but Melinda really reached in towards the middle and breathed some much-needed life into this ballad. Simon remarked that "the second half of the song has put you into the semi-finals." I agree. Paula, on the other hand, tried to offer constructive criticism by saying, "Throw all your technique away and just..."

Just what, Paula? Yeah, that was real helpful. I'm sure Melinda is taking it into consideration. You're getting an 8 this week, dumb ass.

Blake Lewis
First Song: "You Should Be Dancing"
Second Song: "This Is Where I Come In"
Neither song was that memorable for me to critique them separately. Blake trotted out the 311-style vocals and beatboxing YET AGAIN and for once, Randy called him on it. Randy was good and cranky tonight and, I may soon regret this, but I sort of liked him tonight. When he's offering substantial criticism, he's less prone to saying things like, "Good looking out." I HATE when Randy says "Good looking out," primarily because I don't know what it means. Actually, wait... he said "Good looking out" to LaKisha tonight so I guess that makes it a moot point. In that case, fuck you, Randy.

Anyhoo, Simon shit all over Blake and I'm pretty sure it's going to fire up his base thereby securing his spot in the top three. Bummer because he's tired and he sucks.

LaKisha Jones
First Song: "Stayin' Alive"
Second Song" "Run to Me"
Again, neither song was distinct enough to merit its own paragraph. And again, LaKisha opted for an appalling green gown. Didn't we already discuss this, Kiki?! You're going home this week and you have only yourself -- and your questionable fashion choices -- to blame.

Jordin Sparks
First Song: "To Love Somebody"
Jordin wisely chose a non-gimmicky BeeGees song in her first outing earning her raves all around. And Barry Gibb totally hearts Jordin stating that there's "no greater version of 'To Love Somebody' than Jordin's" and then he said she'd be one of the great female vocalists of our time. Normally, I'd be jealous of the attention he was lavishing on my girl but dude, those choppers! I have NOTHING to worry about as my teeth are aligned and proportionate with the rest of my mouth.

Second Song: "Woman In Love"
She didn't fare as well with this song and the "Lord of the Rings"-inspired gown but her first number was strong enough to safely carry her to the finals.

Predictions
Bottom Two: Blake Lewis and LaKisha Jones
Going Home: As of press time (hee hee... I always wanted to say that), you, our esteemed Midol readers, think LaKisha will be hitting the bricks. And I'm inclined to agree. Ciao, KiKi. It's been real.

The Top 6 Recap: Delayed Gratification

So you know that little Riesling habit I seem to have developed on Tuesday nights in recent months? Well, it usually provides the fuel for a good bitchy recap but tonight it's acting more like a sleep aid. A very potent and effective sleep aid.

Sadly, my buzz never quite took tonight. I went straight from sobriety to being a preachy drunk -- a yawning, preachy drunk, to be precise. Just ask Jess. I just got off the phone with her and our call ended with yet another of my patented (and admittedly tired) anti-Rosie O'Donnell rants. And dude, she wasn't even on the show. What brought that on? Poor Jess. At least I didn't get on my kick about the importance of unions and organized labor. It's a problem, you see...

Anyhoo, I took notes and pictures tonight and both are within arm's reach but I don't have the energy to craft them into something snotty at this hour. Tomorrow, most definitely but until then, I'm off to bed. But first, I'm going to leave you with a prediction for the Bottom Three based on the results of our latest poll: LaKisha, Chris and Phil.

Personally, I think after tonight's performance, LaKisha bought herself an extra week (or more, possibly). My girl Jordin tanked tonight and may have finally earned herself a spot at the bottom of the barrel. So for the Bottom Three, I'm going to say Jordin, Phil and Chris. Going home... it could be Chris. Or Phil. Oh, I don't know. I'll have firm answer after a good night's sleep and my first extra-large cup of coffee. Stay tuned.

Top 6: Results... Um, I Mean, Cock Tease

Wow. That was an emotional two hours. Seriously, portions of it got me ::right here.:: Simon and Ryan's trip to Kenya was particularly brutal. I needed more than one tissue to get me through that bit.

Speaking of uncontrollable sobbing, anyone else think it was a little cruel to let Jordin Sparks twist in the wind like that? I totally thought she lost and judging by her sopping wet face, she did too. I don't think I need to remind anyone that SHE'S SEVENTEEN especially since Randy says it like clockwork, you know, each and every week without fail. God, that was cruel.

Even crueler? Subjecting us to the Celine/Elvis duet of "If I Can Dream" right on the heels of the celebrity-packed "Stayin' Alive" video...

I honestly don't know which one was creepier, to be honest. No wait, I do... Someone make the scary Helena Bonham Carter go away!

I guess there's not much else to say except that this concludes our week of subdued critique. Since no one lost, we can't do a victory dance or curse out the voting public. Well, technically we could but we'd look a touch silly. So, that's that and we'll resume being assholes again next week when there's no charitable causes to make us feel all guilty and shit.

And, continuing in the spirit of generosity and good will, I went and gave Paula a big ol' goose egg on the Insanity Index this week. But that's where this being nice bullshit ends! It's starting to give me hives. Grrr... Bloody do-gooders.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take an anti-histamine chased by a good stiff drink.

Top 6: The Toothless Recap

In tonight's episode, the Top 6 performed songs of compassion and hope in celebration of Idol Gives Back. Normally I'd roll my eyes at such cheese but well, I can't do that since Idol Gives Back is a noble effort and in the spirit of this worthy and generous cause, I'm dialing back the snark to zero tonight. Rest assured, I'll be back and overflowing with piss and vinegar next week. Until then, here's tonight's rundown:

Chris Richardson
Performed "Change the World" by Eric Clapton

I didn't dig it but the judges did. (I warned you this was toothless.)

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "There Will Come a Day" by Faith Hill

I didn't like the song but Melinda sang it well. The judges went batshit over it yet again and I began to detect a judging pattern.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Imagine" by John Lennon

Simon described Blake's rather bland performance as "sensitive." And he wasn't being the least bit haughty about it! Uh yup, I'm definitely not the only one who feels too guilty to pooh-pooh the performances tonight. Polite overpraise was the theme of the evening.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "I Believe" by Fantasia

Wow, the first performer to get across-the-board criticism tonight. Also, I think it's the first time in the history of Idol where a performer had the audacity to sing songs by past winners TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. LaKisha already tread on Jennifer Hudson's turf early in the competition so it's particularly noticeable now. Hmmm... I wonder if she'll dip into the Jasmine Trias songbook next week... if there IS a next week for KiKi.

Phil Stacey
Performed "The Change" by Garth Brooks

Simon was downright syrupy while heaping his "I like yous" on Phil tonight. I needed to go brush my teeth afterwards what with all the sugar and my usual Phil-inspired vomiting. Okay, so that was slightly snarky. I couldn't resist.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "You'll Never Walk Alone" from the musical, Carousel

It started out wobbly but it got solid towards the end but again, I wasn't as jazzed as the judges seemed to be. Even so, I'm zipping it... for now.

Predictions
Bottom Three: LaKisha, Blake and Phil
Going Home: LaKisha

Sayonara, Sanjaya

Normally when my predictions are this far off, I get a bit cranky but tonight, my friends, I'm happy to be wrong. I'm grateful to be wrong, even. Check this out:

Sanjaya's Last Ridiculous Hairdo



Sanjaya's Last Time in The Bottom Three



Sanjaya's Last Creepy Face



Sanjaya's Last G-Rated Camera Fuck



Sanjaya's Last Time Hugging It out with LaKisha

More coverage to come tomorrow when the shock has subsided here at American Midol headquarters. Until then, so long, goodbye, aufwiedersehen, adieu, Sanjaya. It's been real... annoying. Good riddance.

Part 7 Recap: The Sequel

My esteemed colleague, The Lovely Jess, already brought you her take on the evening's song stylings so I'm going to blow through tonight's lineup focusing less on the vocals and more on what is undeniably my strong suit: shallow snap judgments. As Randy would say, it's in my wheelhouse, dawg.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Where the Black Top Ends" by Keith Urban
Wow, I hate country music and well, this didn't suck. Phil's attire, however, did. Seriously, he needs to stop with the skinny jeans/oversized button-down shirt combo.

Oh, and again with the "I love you" sign language?! (Thanks for pointing that out, Bubbajane). So what, Phil is now courting the deaf vote? He should really leave that to Sanjaya, no?

Jordin Sparks
Performed "A Broken Wing" by Martina McBride
Wow, dude, that takes balls to sing a song by the mentor. That could have easily stooped to Blake-Sings-Marc-Anthony territory but girlfriend brought it home this week. That was not brown-nosing. That was bad ass. Although, the outfit? Was that from the Wonder Woman Evening Wear Collection? Jordin, I can't possibly continue to crush on you when you dress like this. Go see Jess about some image pointers NOW. Please and thank you.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt
Clearly Sanjaya was both competing in American Idol and simultaneously auditioning for membership in the Nashville Bloods with tonight's get-up:

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood
Notice that Kiki's titties were nowhere to be seen tonight. It's 'cause she was singing about Jesus, y'all. Understandable modesty. But really, What Would Jesus Say About Those Gold Lamé Boots? (WWJSATGLB)

Chris Richardson
Performed "Mayberry" by Rascal Flats
As cute as he is, Chris is getting hard to root for what with the flat notes, the bobbing and weaving dance moves (even during country week!) and his impassioned defense of nasally vocals. Still, he looked adorable and I don't mind keeping him around for some eye candy.

God, I really am the worst lesbian ever.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Trouble Is a Woman" by Julie Reeves
I have nothing to say that other than her usual masterful performance, Melinda looked fabulous and age appropriate tonight. Behold!

Blake Lewis
Performed "When the Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw
Whoa! I actually knew this song. Then again, my exposure to it is both through The Corrs and Ryan Adams, NOT Tim McGraw. But whatever, Blake didn't fuck it up with his usual "isms" as Paula called them and I can't shit on him this week. Let's see how long this stay of execution lasts.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Chris Richardson, LaKisha Jones and Phil Stacey
Going Home: Hmm... it could be Chris but I think Phil's reached his expiration date. In fact, he's been smelling for weeks but it's high time to ditch him.

Top 7 Recap

Well folks, we made it through country week. Martina McBride was kind of awesome. She gave them really good feedback, and she has very pretty eyes. Anyway, here's what I thought of the contestants. I'll add in song titles later when they get posted somewhere.

Phil Stacey
I agreed with the judges that Phil seemed in his element this week and finally showed a little personality. Homeboy's been all doom and gloom for weeks. I do maintain that Phil is the best male vocalist on the show, and I also maintain that it isn't really saying much. His lower register (Term #32 I learned on Idol) is still a little rough, but his big notes are awesome. Now if only he could stop being so fucking creepy.

Jordin Sparks
She was awesome. And I'm not going to gush about how SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN because the judges, especially Randy, can't stop gushing about the fact that SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. But damn, people. SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. (Cue Winger and give the mic to Curly)

Sanjaya Malakar
Sanjaya makes me wish I were Helen Keller, although I think even Helen Keller could have detected a whiff of suckage emanating from her television screen.

LaKisha Jones
I actually kind of liked Kiki rendition of "Jesus Takes the Wheel." I mean, I think the song is ridiculous, due partly to the fact that I'm a godless heathen, and partly to the fact that if you're in a car, barreling to your death, turning it over to Jesus is kind of a last resort, you know? There are things you should maybe give a try first. If I were Jesus I'd tell that bitch to stop being so fucking lazy and keep those hands on the wheel. But I thought LaKisha brought a lot of emotion to it, and I didn't think it was nearly as shouty as the judges did.

Chris Richardson
Oh, Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. Nasally is NOT a vocal style, it is a vocal shortcoming. And don't talk back to Simon. Just don't. It makes you look like an ass. An adorable ass, to be sure (Chris, call me!) but an ass nonetheless. Also, the singing was horrendous.

Melinda Doolittle
Mindy Doo looked hot! And she sounded great, and she brought energy and attitude and she's slowly losing the "aw shucks" thing, which is only going to win her more fans. I'll be voting for her multiple times as soon as I finish this recap

Blake Lewis
God help me – I actually liked that. Like, a lot. I'm not changing my stance on Blake. I still think he's smarmy and cocky and way full of himself. But I couldn't hate that, and believe me, I tried.

Overall, I didn't find it as painful as I usually find country week. It didn't blow me away, but it was bearable. What I did find painful, though, was the ill-timed, awkward mentions about the Virginia Tech shooting. I appreciate the sentiment, of course, as I'm sure everyone did, but it felt really forced and weird. Like, Ryan says something right before energetically kicking off the show? And Chris mentioning it right after Simon rips him apart? And the judges all mumble about it when they're supposed to be critiquing Blake's performance? I'm not heartless – I've gotten choked up several times watching and reading the news, and I find the whole thing devastating. I guess I just don't really feel like American Idol is the best platform for that kind of commentary.

Now, let me get back to what I do best – being a raging bitch. (See? Transition = awkward) Here's your news:

Sanjaya is a Fashion Plate
Fanjayas are flocking to H&M to pick up the white suit he wore two weeks ago. In other news, the Idol wardrobe budget is around $17.50.

More Idol Sex Tapes
Olivia Mojica? Who? We at American Midol are waiting until there's a scandal-free week and Sanjaya gets voted off to release our sex tapes – gotta keep traffic going somehow. I have an A.M. call with Vivid Entertainment. I'll keep you posted.

Carrie Underwood is a Winner
Okay, I take back what I said about Carrie's relationship to Jesus. Clearly he's on her side, as she picked up three more honors at the Country Music Awards. She better ask Jesus to build her an addition on the house so she has a place to put all those statues.

And now, predictions:
Bottom three: Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and (wishful thinking) Sanjaya Malakar.
Going home: Ciao, Phil.

Results Show Sort-Of Recap

Apologies for the slacking. I got a new job and, well, that shit is time consuming, yo.

I didn't think Phil Stacey's creep factor was a match for Haley Scarnato's gams, but hey, I've been wrong before. Besides, we all knew it wasn't going to be Sanjaya. I do have some questions, though:

1) Is Akon the new house band?

2) Did anyone else think it was "feel that passion" and not "percussion" in "Turn the Beat Around"?

3) Despite numerous reports of the souls-of-children-eating-shrew vaiety, how is Jennifer Lopez awesome on so many levels? And also, I may not sleep tonight based on the fact that I just said that.

Next week, when the life calms down a bit, I promise to be back on my bitchiest form.

Top 8: The Recap

Welcome to Latin Week, or as I like to call it: The Tribute to Santana and Gloria Estefan. Apparently, judging by this week's song selections, the only exposure this crop of contestants had to so-called Latin music was at the dentist's office or in elevators.

Oh and I totally take back what I said about J.Lo yesterday because she was actually a thoughtful and helpful mentor. I'm big enough to admit when I've been a beaver. Just don't any of you jump on the bandwagon 'cause I'll cut a bitch. I so will. Seriously, don't try me.

Okay, enough with the idle threats and on with the show...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Sway"
As always, I thought Melinda did a fine job with this. Yes, she lacked a smoldering passion but there's only so much heat one can exude when completely devoid of a neck.

Also, I didn't dig Simon jumping all over her tonight. I thought it had less to do with the quality of her performance and more to do with the fact that he wanted to finally rag on her after all this time. Not nice, Simon. Not nice. Point that vitriol at Blake. Boyfriend needs to be taken down a notch or twelve.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Conga" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
OMG, I hated this. Then again, I hate the Gloria Estefan version of this song so LaKisha was up shit's creek from the get-go. Even Paula pooped on it in that way that only Paula can, "First, you look lovely..." and then she went to repeat various iterations of the phrase "safe performance" more times than I can remember. Translation: You sucked balls, Kiki.

Oh, and again with trotting out the gigantic titties! Check these out:

I guess LaKisha figures if bare legs are keeping Haley around, she might as well flaunt her congas, er, I mean cans. I mean breasts. Yes, breasts.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Smooth" by Santana
Oh man, Chris, why'd you have to go and ruin it for me? I was loving you so much and then you had to drag Rob Thomas into it. That's unforgivable and you deserve to be punished. Go see Jess for a spanking.

Haley Scarnato
Performed "Turn the Beat Around" by Gloria Estefan
She sucked, yadda, yadda, yadda. I can't keep coming up with new ways to say this so I won't even try. Instead, here's the requisite hoochie mama shot of Haley and her legs for all you dirty Googlers:

Phil Stacey
Performed "Maria, Maria" by Santana
J.Lo said Phil gave her goose pimples. Not to be outdone, I want you all to know that Creepy Phil makes me shit my pants at least once a week.

Also, Phil doesn't know how to count. His assigned number this week was "5" and lookie how many digits he's holding up during his "appeal."

Good, more votes for Chris Richardson, even though he broke my heart with his Matchbox 20 association.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
Yet another song I detest. But I do find it promising that Jordin, when asked by a viewer what theme she'd pick for an upcoming show, stated 80s music as her choice. With the exception of Gloria Estefan and that ilk, I adore the 80s music. I think it's a sign.

Jordin, I'll spin you right 'round like a record, baby, round round. I'll stop the world and melt with you. I want you to want me. When a problem comes around, we must whip it. We got the beat and, uh, I've got Bette Davis eyes. Actually, I don't but it sounded good and oh, fuck it. I'm drunk. I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Need to Know" by Marc Anthony
The minute he announced his song choice I yelled, "Ass kisser!" Way to brownie up to the mentor, Blake.

Much to my chagrin, Randy and Simon called it a great song choice and best of the night. Paula stated that the performance "captured the essence of who you are." To which I yelled, "Yeah, a tremendous douche bag copycat!"

I was doing a lot of yelling at the screen tonight. Again, I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Besame Mucho"
Is it just me or did Sanjaya look just like El DeBarge tonight?

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... LaKisha Jones are in the Bottom Three. Phil, pack your coffin and go.

Top 9: The Recap (And Poll)

Crikey that was dull. Here's your recap, and don't forget to take the poll.

Blake Lewis: 'Mack the Knife'
I don't know this song, so I can't say what kind of justice Blake did this, but it nearly put me to sleep. I think Blake might actually be in a little of trouble this week, because they tell me Chris Richardson, who is vastly cuter than Blake, did a great job and I think they share a demographic in terms of who votes for them. More on Chris later.

Phil Stacey: 'Night and Day'
Oh, Phil. Phil. I love your voice, and I love this song, and I was expecting magic. I was not expecting wanting to kill myself because the world is such a cold, hard place afterward. Please, Phil, if you last another week, pick a better song.

Melinda Doolittle: 'I've Got Rhythm'
I hate this song. HATE IT. But Mindy Doo pulled it off, as always. I really, really want to see her step outside of her comfort zone at some point, though, because I know she can pull it off and it might differentiate her from Kiki, which she really needs to do, stat.

Chris Richardson: 'Don't Get Around Much Anymore'
Another song I don't know. As y'all know, I think Chris is adorable and it pains me to say this, but I just don't think he's a very good singer. And I don't get why the judges lavish so much praise on him. He can perform, sure, but the voice? It's just not there for me, dawg.

Jordin Sparks: 'On a Clear Day'
She rocked this. I'll let Curly do the gushing on this one. That said, I think she needs a longer length in the jacket. That outfit made her hips look ginormous, and they aren't.

Gina Glocksen: 'Smile'
I wish Gina had showed a little more emotion with this. I mean, the girl's usually a big pile of tears and feelings. What happened? I hope she makes it through, though, and rocks it next week like she did last week. Also, quoth the boyfriend, who watched with me, "I don't know if she should be sitting like that in that dress." She was dangerously close to flashing us some girly bits. Speaking of girly bits… Oh wait, no. Sanjaya's next, not Hayley.

Sanjaya Malakar: 'Cheek to Cheek'
I mean, really, what is there to say about that? Bad vocals, bad hair, great comment by Simon (Let's try a different tactic: That was incredible), bad response by Sanjaya (Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya!). On the bright side, he's clearly in on the joke, and that's kind of funny.

Haley Scarnato: 'Ain't Misbehavin'
Dear Haley: When you decide that your winning strategy is to change your look from white wine spritzers out on the lanai to woman of ill-repute, you can't get all bajiggity when all the comments you get are, "Green's a good color for you" (Paula) and "You've got great legs" (Simon). You are begging everyone to check out your body -- you should be thankful to Paula and Simon for pointing it out for the partially blind people that missed your cleavage and hemline.

Lakisha Jones: 'Stormy Weather'
I guess this was good, but I'm getting a little bored of LaKisha. Like Melinda, I want to see her do something different. I want to know what she's capable of. Mix it up a little, Kiki.

My predictions: Phil, Haley and Blake (or Gina) in the bottom 3. Going home: Phil. Home to a beating that his wife has been waiting to give him ever since he missed the birth of their child to audition. Now, kindly share your thoughts:

Who's Going Home?
	Blake Lewis
	Phil Stacey
	Melinda Doolittle
	Chris Richardson
	Jordin Sparks
	Gina Glocksen
	Sanjaya Malakar
	Haley Scarnato
	LaKisha Jones
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Results Show Recap

D'oh! My record for predicting cast-offs is no longer flawless. So long, Chris Sligh. I knew you were on your way out but I thought you had at least one more week in you. Alas, Haley Scarnato and her long legs tripped us both up.

Sigh... where's Jeff Gillooly when you need him?

Haley caused another stumble of sorts. Such a troublemaker, that one. Before throwing to a commercial, Ryan informed us that we'd find out who would join "Phil and Stacey" in the Bottom Three after the break. Later, Ryan corrected his mistake just as some dumb ass in the control room switched to a REALLY bad live shot thereby casting Hayley and a few others in an awkward light thereby making the correction null and void...

Not exactly crisp, precise production values tonight, huh?

Actually, while I'm on the subject, does the show really hate Haley or something? Did you catch Ryan's bitchy fake out when the Bottom Three were assembled? Ryan announced that he was about to send someone to safety. "HALEY," he said emphatically, leading her -- and us -- to believe that she was getting the pass back to safety. "You'll have to stand there another moment. Phil, you're safe." Meow, Ryan. MEEE-OW!

And then, as Simon predicted, Chris got the boot and I felt a little twinge of sadness because even though he started to bug me in recent weeks, he really was a nice fella. I actually paid attention to his tribute montage thingy (whilst plugging my ears so as not to hear that crap ass Daughtry song) because Chris was actually an entertaining contestant at one point. And then somewhere along the line, he got swallowed up by the show and the pressure that comes with it. The boy clearly lost his spark. I can't say for certain but I almost think that Chris is relieved his run is over and so he can go back to being chubby, cracking wise and worshipping Jesus (not necessarily in that order).

Gwen Stefani sounded much better live than I was anticipating. I still recall a particularly heinous rendition of "Spider Web" she performed on the MTV Video Awards some years back. She was so busy jumping around the stage, she became winded and ended up sounding like crap. However, now she makes silent Japanese girls do all the dancing for her so her voice doesn't get all ragged and screamy.

And because it seems no recap would be complete without at least some mention of Sanjaya or his hair, here's Ryan predictably getting in on the act...

Seriously, does anyone know how I can get a hold of Gillooly?

Top 10 Recap II: Electric Boogaloo

Even though Jess already brought you all a killer recap and we agree on many, many points (two huge ones in particular, both belonging to LaKisha), there are a few issues on which we part ways. Without further ado, here's my take on the proceedings:

Wow, is it just me or is Gwen Stefani a bit of a social retard when she's not on stage singing and thrashing about in ridiculous outfits most of us with good vision and a shred of self-respect wouldn't be caught dead in?

Perhaps she was the victim of editing but in her interactions with the Top 10, Gwen didn't seem all that warm nor engaged with the contestants. Lulu was totally eating that shit up last week and she sent the girls on their way with sound advice and a shot of confidence whereas Gwen showed little-to-no interest in shepherding them. Maybe Gwen was just bummed that the finalists weren't Japanese and she couldn't exploit their culture and dress them in slutty Catholic school uniforms.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Last Dance" by Donna Summer
That was good but not all that compelling. LaKisha's proven herself as a powerhouse vocalist but her performance was sort of mechanical and devoid of emotion. The most memorable thing about LaKisha tonight? THOSE BREASTS. LaKisha ain't really my type but oooh lawdy, I wouldn't mind setting up play date with those girls.

Chris Sligh
Performed "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police
Chris is really starting to get under my skin. When he stands before the judges, he has a tendency to be too agreeable when they criticize him. I know I took him to task for the Teletubbies crack in the early rounds, but really, I prefer the smart-ass Chris over the current version any day.

Now he just nods and agrees with everything the judges say in between making excuses and explaining his choices. He also occasionally affects a look that says, "Look at me absorbing and pondering what the judges are saying." And good God, he even scratches his chin sometimes! I know he's trying to be the good guy but it's kind of gross, actually. Bring back the old Chris. Now.

Gina Glocksen
Performed "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders
Gina done good. Even though I've pissed on her quite a bit this season, I will give credit where credit is due. Was it a showstopper of Carrie-Underwood-Singing-"Alone" proportions? Well, no, but Gina turned in a memorable performance just the same.

The judges all went gaga over Gina and even crotchety Simon lavished her with praise. "Your transformation from three or four weeks ago to tonight is literally chalk and cheese," Cowell stated.

Because Randy is a barely functional retard with a vocabulary limited to about twelve words and phrases, he couldn't wrap his compromised brain around Simon's phrase so he sat there squawking and belaboring an unfunny exchange with Ryan Seacrest about pairing wine with cheese, not chalk, or some stupid shit like that.

While it's not an expression I've ever uttered, I did the rather rudimentary math and figured it out. It's a pretty quick conversion if you have, say, one functioning brain cell. Randy's just a dumb ass. However, if you're similarly stumped, click here to figure out what Simon meant.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Bath Water" by No Doubt
Not even wasting my time with a critique of that bullshit. Instead, let's once again focus on the hair, which I no longer want to brush, FYI...

Haley Scarnato
Performed "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper
What the hell did she do to this song? Why'd she have go and cheese it up beyond recognition? Oh right, because she sucks. Haley (and her annoyingly loud friends in the audience who insisted on yelling over the judges) are done.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Every Breath You Take" by The Police
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to break with my usual style and present my response to Phil's performance in a real time/Kerouac-like/stream-of-consciousness/punctuation-eschewing format:

Oh my God, creepy Phil is being asked a viewer question which means more camera time for him and more rocking in the fetal position for me and oh my God he's singing the creepiest stalker song ever, that freak, Jesus, I can't believe he chose this song... oh, but wait, wait a minute... say, this isn't so bad, actually and his voice is quite nice and ooh he's actually following the lone piece of useful advice Gwen dished out tonight and he's simply sticking to the melody without getting all yelly and screamy and nope, this doesn't suck one bit.

And, exhale! See how I went from truly terrified to all nice and complimentary? Miracles do happen, kids!

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Heaven Knows" by Melinda Doolittle
At this point, it's a given that Melinda's going to kick the song's ass so let's just go ahead and slap her with another "Awesome!" and move on to her outfit. Simon hated it. I wouldn't go that far but I did take note of it in my big yellow legal pad when Melinda took the stage. "I don't think that's the proper silhouette for her frame," I observed.

I learned that term by watching "Project Runway" and I felt all fancy using it. Ditto for "flavor profiles," which I learned courtesy of "Top Chef," although, admittedly, I didn't take any notes last night about Melinda's flavor profiles because, well, we're looking at and listening to Melinda, not eating her. And other than "Tastes like chicken," I'm not really sure what else I could possibly say about a human's flavor profiles.

Wait, what was my point again?

Blake Lewis
Performed "Love Song" by The Cure
Okay, while they may Jess's number two band, The Cure is most definitely at the top of my list so I may get a bit feisty in the next couple of paragraphs. When Seacrest announced at the beginning of the show that a contestant was tackling a Cure song, I knew right away that it would be Blake. And I knew that mofo was going to pick "Love Song" and I knew he was going to give it the 311 treatment. I'm tired of him getting credit for being fresh and original. He's not! Fuck Paula! Girlfriend earned a high Level o' Crazy number from me tonight merely because she gushed over the "originality" of this shit. It was NOT original. Don't credit Blake for the arrangement. He merely copied what's already been done, somewhat poorly by 311.

This is the same bullshit praise heaped on Taylor last season when he aped Michael McDonald's song stylings and Joe Cocker's spaz-outs and was lauded as "unique" and "original." Last time I checked, that shit was called celebrity impersonation, not originality. If this keeps up, I'm withdrawing my votes for all the current contestants and throwing my support behind Rich Little.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Hey Baby" by No Doubt
It's a pleasure to watch Jordin, and not just because I think she's cute. She's having fun. And like Simon said, she's getting more confident as the weeks go by. However, she's not surrendering any of her humility or charm as a result. I didn't love the vocal but then again, that song doesn't really demand much of one. She worked the attitude and the sassy outfit all over the stage and didn't embarrass herself in the process. That's my girl.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Don't Speak" by No Doubt
Randy liked Chris's "flavor" and Paula looked all creepy as she cooed, "You're good, Chris, you're good. Just good." I'm not entirely sure she was referring to his singing. Gross. Simon, on the other hand, didn't dig it. And, for once, I have to disagree with him. I actually think Chris did a good job with this song. He's had trouble in the past trying to yank notes up, down, left and right often to awkward effect. But tonight, he seemed to have a bit more control and while his voice does skew a bit nasal at times, I do think it has a nice tone. I'm going to take Chris on as my pet project in the voting department until Rich Little officially enters the race.

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... tough one again, Chris Sligh are in the Bottom Three this week but it's Haley and her hot gams who's going home.

Top 10 Recap

Here are my thoughts on the contestants tonight:

LaKisha Jones: Donna Summer, "Last Dance"
LaKisha can sing her ass off, but for some reason, I'm just not feeling her. She did a great job, and like the judges said, it was nice to see her doing something upbeat. But compared to Mindy Doo, who is her major competition vocally, she's not nearly as likeable. But can we mention the breasts? Holy Mary mother of Christ.

Chris Sligh: The Police, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"
Chris Sligh moves to the beat of a different drummer, and not in a good way. What a fucking mess that was. I guess Jesus doesn't favor Chris the way he favored Carrie Underwood.

Gina Glocksen: The Pretenders, "I'll Stand By You"
I've been in the minority with the Gina love, but I think she really pulled through tonight. That was awesome. Totally awesome. And I don't get the "smug" thing that everyone says about her. She seems genuine and really, really emotional. Which, despite my love for her, isn't very rockin'.

Sanjaya Malakar: No Doubt, "Bath Water"
Is this song really about sitting in someone's dirty bath water? Gross. Also, I firmly believe that Sanjaya is just fucking with us at this point. He may even have struck a deal with Howard Stern. Or Satan.

Haley Scarnato: Cyndi Lauper, "True Colors"
Wait, who is Haley Scarnato? Oh, that chick who dressed all slutty last week and is a less talented and less pretty Katharine McPhee? Right! Wait, she sang tonight? I barely remember.

Phil Stacey: The Police, "Every Breath You Take"
So the creepiest guy in the competition sang the creepiest song ever recorded. Which basically made the performance creepy squared. It doesn't even matter that he nailed it vocally – which he did – Blake has the confidence and Chris R. has the cute (Chris R.! Call me!) so Phil's days are numbered. I maintain that he's the best male vocalist in the competition, and admittedly that isn't saying much.

Melinda Doolittle: Donna Summer, "Heaven Knows"
Mindy Doo can do no wrong. I voted for her three times. She's small and oddly-shaped and missing a neck, but boy is she a joy to watch. And I didn't hate the outfit, Simon.

Blake Lewis: The Cure, "Love Song"
I am not at all impressed with Blake. I think he's gimmicky and he makes weird, constipated faces when he sings. And when I heard there was going to be a Cure song, and he started his beat-boxing shit, I was ready to throw down. The Cure is my second favorite band of all time, you see, second to only Pantera. But much to my dismay, Blake delivered. I actually quite enjoyed it. That fucker.

Jordin Sparks: No Doubt, "Hey Baby"
Jordin's right up there with Mindy Doo in terms of the likeability factor. And I thought this had some rough spots, but overall it was fun and I dug it. I also loved Gwen Stefani saying that she didn't realize how "musical" the song could be, meaning she didn't realize what it would sound like if someone who actually had a good voice sang it. Am I hating on Gwen Stefani? A little.

Chris Richardson: No Doubt, "Don't Speak"
Chris is adorable and I want to teach him the ways of love with an older woman, but seriously, he's way out of his league. And I don't understand why Randy and Paula keep heaping praise on him at all. And is it me, or did he look like he wanted to cry when Simon told him he sucked? There, there, Chris. Let mama give you a big hug and make it all better. Oh, and take off those pants.

And there you have it. Also, Gwen Stefani wasn't nearly as annoying as I thought she'd be, and Paul wasn't nearly as crazy as I hoped she'd be. Predictions: Bottom three – Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and Haley Scarnato. Going home? Haley. Should be going home? Sanjaya and his fauxhawk of gentle doom.

Top 11: The Recap

Because I'm a dedicated servant to American Midol, I've decided to adopt some hard and fast recapping rules going forward. I'm really going to hold myself to them in the hopes of bringing you all a thorough yet entertaining episode recap each week. Are you ready? I hereby promise to down a bottle of white... or red -- all depends upon my appetite -- while watching the performance show. It's the least I can do to uphold the quality and sanctity of this blog. Wouldn't you agree? Thank you in advance for enabling me.

On with the show...

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Tell Him" by Billie Davis
Haley set out to "be more aggressive and not so sweet." Mission accomplished... although not exactly with her song styling. Or as Simon put it, "People are going to be talking about a lot more than your singing tonight." Word, Simon. Did you get a load of the gams on that girl?

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying" by Gerry and the Pacemakers
I didn't love this nearly as much as the judges did. They cited it as Chris's best performance to date. Perhaps I'm too busy focusing on how cute he is to accurately gauge the vocal quality but really, I wasn't all that impressed.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield
I really really wanted her to do well with this. I feel like Stephanie is talented but she's been cast aside and as such, is struggling with her confidence and her identity. Even though she looks, I don't know, 40, the chick is only 19. I think a lot of people forget that. I want her to hit her stride and have her moment. Alas, I think she's in the bottom three this week.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Time of the Season" by The Zombies
It didn't suck. That's about all the praise I can muster for Blake. He's a douche -- it's obvious -- so he'll get no further accolades from me.

Also, Blake picked a perfectly-crafted song and merely mimicked it, save for the occasional bit of his tired beatboxing. Yeah, he's confident and has swagger but I prefer Melinda's combination of skill and humility, thank you. It's official: Blake can suck it.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "Diamonds Are Forever" by Shirley Bassey
Okay, so LaKisha was decked out in a diamonds worth $1 million. I understand that tie-in. What I don't understand was the kelly green dress. Was that supposed to represent the color of money? Was she giving a shout out to all the bank tellers at her former job? If so, money is more of pine green color, no? Or, perhaps a nice shade of hunter? God, I'm beginning to sound like a J. Crew catalog. Moving on...

Phil Stacey
Performed: "Tobacco Road" by The Nashville Teens
Again, Phil's vocals failed to impress me. Instead, I focused on one thing and one thing only: "What was that crap all over his shirt?" Was he sweating? Did he roll around in Vaseline before getting dressed? I have questions, Phil.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "I Who Have Nothing" by Shirley Bassey
That was AWESOME. I have nothing more to add, except that I yelled at the TV a bit when Jordin told Lulu that she didn't have a boyfriend. When Lulu replied, "You're going to have plenty now!" I took the opportunity to tack on, "And a hot lesbo girlfriend too!"

It could happen. Shut up.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks
I'll give Sanjaya this much... at least he tried to put a little oomph into it. Did it succeed? Well, no. But at least he tried. Once again, though, my attention was rather divided during Sanjaya's performance. Although this time there was no creepy hula dancing or flat-ironed hair to blame. It was Ashley, the crying child, who drove me to distraction:

Ah unrequited, self-destructive, dead-end love... Something tells me Ashley is destined to be the next Grace.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones
Well, that sucked. I won't say any more out of fear of hurting Jess's feelings. She loves her some Gina, see.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "She's Not There" by The Zombies
Similar to the other Chris's performance, I thought this blew chunks and was quite baffled by the praise he received from the judges. Although, Paula, god damn her, was totally right when she criticized Chris's social retardation when dealing with the audience. I can't handle this whole agreeing with Paula thing. I really can't. Fuck you, Chris. It's your fault.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "As Long As He Needs Me" from the musical, Oliver!
Once again, Melinda turned in a controlled, nuanced performance. Although, she did let fly with a rather generous spray of spit at one point which, in retrospect, was not very controlled at all. Whatever, it was gross but Melinda can still do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. She rules.

Speaking of waterworks, Melinda even inspired another crying fit in Ashley, the disturbed child. Behold:

That girl even got a curtain call during the end credits. Who's HER daddy?! I did notice this pissed-off little girl observing Ashley's sobbing hug-fest with the Idol wannabes...

I can't quite tell by the expression on that girl's face if she's put off by Ashley's display of emotion or if she's thinking, "Who's a big sign-toting girl gotta hump to get some face time with some Idols around here?" I'm guessing it's the latter.

Predictions: Phil, Stephanie... and dare I say it? Sanjaya are in the Bottom 3 but it's Stephanie who is going home this week. Also, I think Ashley will be heavily medicated very very soon.

Dissent and Goings-On

I'm not going to do a full recap, because Curly did such a good job. I'll take the news, but first, I have to make a few points about last night, either because they weren't previously mentioned or because I don't agree with what's been stated.

1. I'm irrationally protective of Gina, which I fully admit, but I thought she did a good job with Love Child. While she may not have the flawless vocal power of LaKisha and Melinda, I think she's a hard worker with a great range, and I enjoyed it. If she sticks around, I think she's going to grow week after week, especially now that she's in the little rocker box the judges have been trying to shove her into since day one.

2. I actually don't think Haley is going to be in the bottom three this week. She clearly has a fan base, and when Antonella was voted off, I was all set to redirect my hatred toward Haley, but she's just so damn likeable. It actually kind of pisses me off.

3. I like Phil Stacey, and I don't care who knows it. He's a super dork who tries to act like a cool guy, and I would never want to see him naked, but when he hits those power notes, he makes me smile. I can't help it. With all the shoddy non-talent on the guy's side, I need someone to root for, and he's it.

4. I hated Stephanie's rendition of Love Hangover. I thought it was boring, and didn't show her amazing vocal range. Also, did you know she's only 19? Can the judges give her a little of that Jordin love?

5. After the uncomfortable banter between Simon and Ryan last night, the only thing that's really left for them to do is make out with each other during a live show. I am so sick of the "I'm straight, you're gay, no, I'm straight, you're gay, or, you know, let's just fuck each other" thing they have going on this season. I mean, it's always there to a certain degree, but COME ON.

6. My predictions: Bottom three goes to Brandon Rogers, Chris Sligh and Stephanie Edwards. Going home? Brandon Rogers.

Okay, and now onto the news:

Idol Hopefuls Love Jesus
Chris Sligh, Jordin Sparks and Melinda Dolittle all have friends at the Gospel Music Association. As long as none of them start ranting about "lifestyle choices," ala Mandisa, they're cool by me. (Christian Today)

Sheryl Crowe hates Idol
I don't know about you, but I'm sick of "artists" hating on Idol. While the show may be responsible for the inexplicable fame of DAUGHTRY, you can't really deny that it's produced some viable stars who deserve their fame. Kelly Clarkson, anyone? (Buddy TV)

Jennifer Hudson May Play Aretha Franklin
Great. Then she'll be nominated for another Oscar and diss Idol again and then we can have another Hudson vs. Cowell feud. Sigh. (All Headline News)

Jennifer Hudson is Also a Huge Diva
Hudson reportedly tried to back out of performing at the Soul Train Awards, but then attended after Clive Davis issued a smackdown. Okay, seriously, this girl is not famous or accomplished enough to be acting like this. I'm so sick of her. (I Don't Like You in That Way)

Simon Will Quit if Sanjaya Wins
To show our solidarity, I hereby decree that should Sanjaya win, American Midol will be no more. Mejack? Curly? You with me? (TV Squad)

The Top 12: Love It or Leave It

Well, you've gone and done it now, America. Here's the Top 12 you helped select:

1. Lakisha Jones
2. Blake Lewis
3. Chris Sligh
4. Jordin Sparks
5. Phil Stacey
6. Melinda Doolittle
7. Brandon Rogers
8. Chris Richardson
9. Gina Glocksen
10. Stephanie Edwards
11. Haley Scarnato
12. Sanjaya Malakar

Since Jess did such a kick-ass job recapping the results show, I don't need to! Score! Instead, here are a few select visuals from tonight's episode:

Up first is Jared Cotter acting like a complete douche when informed of his dismissal...

Yo mama, Jared. Yo.mama.

Up next is Paula's stunned response to Sabrina Sloan's ouster...

Coincidentally, I've made that very same face several times this week when I found myself agreeing with Paula's comments.

And here we have Haley Scarnato all crying and shocked-looking, primarily because she knows she's a big ol' waste of space...

Last night, I remarked that Haley had a Marie Osmond thing going on. Tonight's look was reminiscent of a Carol Seaver-era Tracy Gold. What does that have to do with anything, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine.

Lastly, we have Sanjaya Malakar eyeing up Paula after she indirectly expressed dismay at his inclusion in the Top 12...

I'm not going to lie to you... I'm more than a little impressed with the "Bitch, I'll cut you!" face Sanjaya's showing here. I'll be even more impressed if he acts on it. Do it, Sanjaya. DO IT!

Zzzz...Recap...Zzzz

I'm not going to do a full recap, because Curly covered it, but I will say that last night felt like watching a kindergarten talent show, where all the kids are ugly so you can't even enjoy it from a cuteness standpoint. That's not to say the boys are ugly. (Chris R.! Call me!) It's just to say that it was that painful.

Anyway, last night we got the opportunity to learn a little bit about all of our contestants. It was the usual, boring stuff, with the exception of Blake Lewis' "improv" character, Jimmy Walker Blue, which gave me nightmares. Here's what I learned about the contestants last night, not through their video confessions, but through the rest of the show.

Blake Lewis' favorite band is 311. Think about that for a moment, will you? 3-motherfucking-11. While I did like "All Mixed Up" back in the day, I'm not sure I'd call them a particularly solid band. In fact, I bought their CD because of that song, and thought, "Every single one of these songs sounds the same." Oh, wait! NOW I get it…

Sanjaya Malakar has more hair versatility than I do.

Pearl Jam apparently wronged Sundance Head in either this life or one previously.

If he chooses the right song, Chris Richardson is just as capable of boring the shit out of me as every other guy on the show!

Jared Cotter thinks that argyle is sexy.

In some circles, mostly those containing Simon Cowell and well, just Simon Cowell, Brandon Rogers is known almost exclusively as "Travis."

Phil Stacey isn't entirely sure how to correctly use the phrase, "grain of salt."

Chris Sligh just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?

I love how the judges started the show by over praising all the guys, and then couldn't even keep up with it and just sort of gave up because they're really that bad. Dial Idol's got Phil Stacey and Sundance Head in the bottom two, but I'm not buying it. I say bye bye to Jared Cotter and Brandon Rogers. I wish I was saying bye bye to Sanjaya and Sundance, though.

Top 8 Boys: The Recap

Yet another yawn-inducing boys round. However! I recently discovered that my mother is a dedicated American Idol viewer so I watched tonight's show with a whole new perspective. With each contestant, I pondered: What must Mama McDimple be thinking?

Here are my thoughts and some of her proposed ones:

Blake Lewis
Performed: "All Mixed Up" by 311
First of all, I'm not the least bit surprised that Randy and Paula didn't recognize this song. Secondly, even though he changed up the song slightly with the whole beatboxing thing, Blake's version was totally drab. At first I was excited when I realized he was doing 311 but my enjoyment quickly plummeted as Blake succeeded in systematically sucking every bit of life out of the song.

As for my mother, well, she quite likes the reggae, even watered-down white boy versions of it because really, she doesn't know the difference. I'm also thinking she would have enjoyed Blake's checkered pants.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Waiting on the World to Change" by John Mayer
Truthfully, I didn't hear a note of this song. I was too distracted thinking about Sanjaya doing this:

Mama McDimple: While not actually saying it out loud, my mother totally would have been thinking: "Wow, that was really gay."

Sundance Head
Performed: "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam
Pssst, Sundance! Just because the song depicts a massacre, it doesn't give you license to, in turn, do that to the song. Also, what's the point of taking on this song if you don't do the growling "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" part at the end? That was weak, you big pussy.

Mama McDimple: Ditto.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban
I didn't hate this but I don't really have anything nice to say so I won't say anything at all. Oh, except that Chris is soooooo cute.

Jared Cotter
"If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder
Oh my God! Paula's comment that Jared needs to add some color to his vocals was actually on the mark. And well said! And I actually understood her point! Shit, this means yet another dip in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram. I'm not pleased. Not one bit.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "I Just Want To Celebrate" by Rare Earth
I'm going to give Brandon the Chris Richardson treatment here. It didn't suck but that's about all I can say. Um, did I mention tonight's show was really boring?

Mama McDimple: "Isn't this song from a car commercial?"

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Need You" by LeAnn Rimes
That was fucking weird. Again, Paula was completely right (gah!) when she criticized Phil's lower register. Clearly, it's not his strong suit. To me, it sounded like he was doing a bad Cher impersonation at the beginning of that song. It was like he was trying to reach into the deep recesses of his throat for something deep and smokey but what came out was... God, I don't even know. Would you call it guttural? I have no idea, but whatever it was, it disturbed me immensely.

Mama McDimple: Actually, my mother wouldn't have a comment here. She'd be too busy running around the housing sprinkling holy water because of the evil she just witnessed on the television.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Wanna Be Loved" by D.C. Talk
I had never heard this song before because, well, Christian rock ain't my thang. Actually, I had no idea Chris was even singing the praises of his own personal saviour until I looked up the song list on AOL Television. Perhaps it's my Catholic guilt kicking in but I'm just going to leave it at that.

Mama McDimple: "If Curly doesn't watch her weight, she's going to end up looking like this guy."

Predictions: This is a tough call in light of last week's AJ tragic ouster but I'm thinking Jared may have finally overstayed his welcome. And, if there's justice, Sanjaya and his flat-ironed hair will do the hula all the way home.

Friday News Update

It's a light news day, people. All anyone wants to discuss is skanky Antonella Barba and how she's still on the show. I apologize in advance for boring you.

Jennifer Hudson up for an NAACP Image Award
Beyonce's up for a few too, so maybe she'll stop making voodoo dolls of Jennifer Hudson and praying to The Dark Lord to wipe her from existence.

Bucky's #1
The video for Bucky Covington's first single, "A Different World," debuted at #1 on CMT's Pure Country Video Playlist. I'm not sure if that's a good thing; as I'm not terribly familiar with either the channel or the show, but it sounds like it's the TRL of country music, in which case, go Bucky!

FOX is #1, Too!
FOX swept the ratings Thursday night, just like it does on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I'm not a ratings analyst, but I don't really get why everyone is so surprised by this.

Ask the Idols
Do you want to know what it is about Phil Stacey that makes him both scary and intensely likeable at the same time? If Sundance Head cries when he watches Bambi? If Blake Lewis knows how awful that hat was? If so, PEOPLE is sitting down with the 'Idol' hopefuls and asking them YOUR questions. If you submit one, and your question is featured, let us know! We won't make fun of you. Promise.

If you need a pick-me-up after all that, check out Kellie Pickler's new breasts:

The Terrorists Are Winning

I am ashamed of my country today.

How Captain Smarm stayed on the show and AJ was voted off is just reprehensible, America. Shame on you. I did not expect AJ to win but I thought he would go farther than this.

I can't watch the elimination shows. Seriously. I need like some xanax or something.
Tonight I got 3 out of 4 eliminations correct but I don't feel good about it. Not one bit. I should just stop watching the eliminations and have someone tell me the results when it's over.

Oh yeah- and SPIDER FUCKING SUSHI was not all all contrived. NOT AT ALL. Duh.

update: Holy Shit- I just realized that I did not, in fact get 3 out of 4- I got 2 out of 4. I confused Alaina with Haley. They are the girls that suck heartily and Haley is gone next week so it really doesn't matter. Oh, and Jess- I gave Sanjaya two sympathy votes but I sent many, many votes for AJ. So you can bite me.

Top 10 Girls Recap

I just had a startling realization. We have no rocker and no country singer this season on 'Idol.' Maybe that's why I'm so bored -- no diversity among the contestants really. Also, I would like to share with you the text message conversation I had with Little Brother last night during the show:

Me: Antonella Barba cannot sing.

LB: Who cares? Did you see those cans?

Me: You live in Long Island. Every girl looks like that.

LB: Fair enough, but they don't all have trashy pics posted on the Internet.

And thus he continues to support her. He even told me he'd be voting for her every week she remains on the show. So if she keeps assaulting my ears week after week, I'll blame him. And now, ladies and gentleman, your recap:

Gina Glocksen: Heart - 'Alone'
I know Gina is getting a lot of shit for doing this song after Carrie Underwood rocked it so hard. Whatever, I like Gina, I thought she did a great job and I dug the outfit.

Alaina Alexander: Dixie Chicks - 'Not Ready to Make Nice'
Alaina sucks, and she keeps proving it week after week. She's out of her league. Send her home.

Lakisha Jones: Gladys Knight - 'Midnight Train To Georgia'
One of my biggest and most frequent complaints about this show is that they haven't had someone who comes out week after week and just nails it since Kelly Clarkson. I'm sure I drive everyone crazy with my "Kelly Clarkson never had a bad performance" whining. Thank God for Lakisha Jones. She was awesome last night. I do agree with Simon on the outfit, though -- homegirl looked like she was about to run to the Target for some slingbacks.

Melinda Doolittle: Mitzi Green - 'My Funny Valentine'
Double thank God for Melinda! I love, love, love her. As Randy Jackson would say, she's da bomb, baby!

Antonella Barba: Celine Dion - 'Because You Loved Me'
Okay, seriously. Get this chick off the show. She cannot sing. She makes my ears bleed. She was like a 10-year-old at a talent show. Also, Antonella, you are not Jennifer Hudson. Don't compare yourself to her. She has talent. You have photographic evidence that you pee sitting down.

Jordin Sparks: Christina Aguilera - 'Reflection'
I love Jordin, but I hate this song and I hated her rendition of it. Still, she's adorable and likeable and I think she's drummed up enough support that she'll make it through this week.

Stephanie Edwards: Beyonce - 'Dangerously In Love'
I've never really understood this song. It's weird and complicated and all over the place and when I hear it, I just don't understand what it's trying to do. Still, I think Stephanie Edwards did it on par with Beyonce. I'm not sure it bodes well for her, though, that each week when they announce her name I think, "Wait, who's Stephanie Edwards again?"

Leslie Hunt: Nina Simone - 'Feeling Good'
Have we ever had a week where two people sang the same song? I dig Leslie and her superweirdness and her smoky voice, but it's hard not to compare her rendition to A.J.'s when he was so awesome. I worry for Leslie -- she's this season's Melissa McGhee

Haley Scarnato: Whitney Houston - 'Queen of the Night'
This was strange and screamy and her hair was awful and her outfit made her look like she was about to have a drink out on the lanai with Blanche Devereaux. And that's all I have to say about that.

Sabrina Sloan: Whitney Houston - 'He Fills Me Up'
Like I said before, Sabrina can sing -- no doubt about that. I don't like her, and it's completely irrational. I still don't think she exudes any sort of likable personality, and I'm not sure how much longer she's going to last. Also, every time I hear this song, I think he's filling me up with semen and it grosses me out.

Going home: Haley and Leslie
Should be going home: Antonella and Alaina

Numb

Not feeling it, people Not feeling any of it.

The boys bored me. Seriously. I forgot most of it already.

Phil:I loathe that "Missing You" song and I am still really mad at him for missing the birth of his daughter. I guess he did ok though. I say that begrudgingly.

Jared: That whole thing made me want to throw up. Note to Captain Smarmy -you can't pull of the sexy if you are wearing white sneakers and tube socks. It's like a law or something. I like Ace Young more than I like Jared. And I hate Ace.

A.J: I love A.J. I voted for A.J many times.

Sanjaya: I still love Sanjaya but I will say that it was not his best. I hate how the judges are so hard on him. It's like kicking a puppy.

Chris S: He did pretty well. He knows he ate a bug last week when he said that shit to Simon about the teletubbies so I suspect that Operation Kiss Ass is well underway.

Nick: Nice blazer. I think he had a date to do someone's taxes after the show. I have no recollection whatsoever of what he sang.

Blake: Eh. I think it was great that he tried that Jamiroquai song but he did not pull it off 100%. I am not sure how I feel about this guy- I can totally see myself hating him pretty soon. I've detected some hints of douchebaggery.

Brandon: Did he even sing last night?

Chris R: He did the same song as he did last week.

Sundance: He seemed less of a shrieking red-faced tone deaf girl last night and did a little better. I like Sundance but he hasn't really won me over with his singing yet.

Thanks for the memories, or lack thereof, boys.

Predictions? Fare the well Nick and Jared.


The chicks. Slightly better but again- yawnsville

Gina: I fucking hate Gina. I have no reasonable or valid argument for this. I just hate her.

Alaina: Welcome to Screech City, population: you.

Lakisha: Wonderful. I have to say I am with Simon regarding her choice in outfit- but she was awesome. I love her.

Melinda: While Melinda was on Jess sent me a text that said " I heart Melinda". I think that pretty much sums it up. She is spectacular. As mentioned, she is my husband, Layne's, favorite- but he can't remember her name. He keeps calling her Smalls. Apparently, he could not retain Doolittle but somehow his brain remembered the "little" part- or at least the concept of little- which is, I am assuming, how he came up with Smalls. I have since corrected him but he has decided she should be called Smalls. So there it is.


Antonella: For the second time in a week week she is trying to convince people that she isn't sucking. She's failing on both fronts. I am feeling a little bit of loyalty toward Antonella though. I recently found out that she goes to the very same college where I was kicked out after sophomore year. Believe you me when I tell you that if digital cameras existed when I was attending college (and I use "attending" loosely) - there would probably be many, many pictures of me on the toilet. I'm just saying.

Jordin: I don't like that song...but I guess she sang it well.

Stephanie: That song, which I had never heard before, sounded like such a mess...but, as I later found out, it was a Beyonce song which are all, in my opinion, gigantic train wrecks. So again, I guess she did ok.

Haley: Oh my God the PAIN. I cringed throughout the entire thing.

Leslie: Why Bangs McLeggings ever thought it was a good idea to try and scat like Nina Simone (and she did it EXACTLY like Nina Simone. No originality at all) is beyond my realm of comprehension.

Sabrina: She's a good singer but I was bored. I can't even be bothered trying to come up with something snarky.

Prediction: Haley and Leslie

Top 20: The Boys

Well, that was boring! I set out to write my usual pissy recap of the episode and well... I got nothing. With the exception of the enormous bulge in Jared Cotter's pants, nothing really stood out. And boy, did that stand out! Was he smuggling watermelons or something? While historically I have little to no interest in the male organ, I am impressed with Jared's package nonetheless. Too bad I can't say the same for his singing.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Ain't Missing You" by John Waite
Boooooooooooooooooooooooring.

Jared Cotter
Performed: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
I couldn't really concentrate on Jared's vocals between his ridiculous emoting and that enormous penis protruding through his pants. Despite its impressive stature, I don't think it's enough to save him. See ya, Jared.

AJ Tabaldo
Performed: "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone
Love him. 'Nuff said.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Steppin' Out" by Tony Bennett
Oh, Sanjaya. Yet another rotten song choice, no doubt selected by sissy. And you pulled your hair back into a ponytail, an obvious rejection of my offer to brush it. Why do you have to break my heart like this?

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne
Chris did really well. I have no beef with his performance or his banter with the judges this week. Although, I will say that with my dark plastic frames and head of curls, Chris offers a warning to me to keep my weight in check. I could easily look like his twin sister if I don't lay off the pasta. Methinks I'll have a Slim Fast for lunch and a sensible dinner today. Thanks for the inadvertent glimpse into the future, Chris!

Nick Pedro
Performed: "Fever" by Peggy Lee
I won't waste my time with a critique since he's going home.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai
Not too shabby. I really love his song choices. Maybe he can mentor Sanjaya.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper
God, that sucked. It was nothing more than a background vocal disguised as a lead. Oh, and I think I'm pregnant thanks to Brandon's continued camera fucking. Next week, I'm going to have a rape whistle on hand when I watch the program.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Geek In The Pink" by Jason Mraz
Sure, Chris's dance moves and up-tempo song selection were similar to last week but I.don't.care. He's still my favorite.

Sundance Head
Performed: "Mustang Sally" by Mack Rice
Despite his family's advice to be less "crappy," this week's performance failed to get Sundance out of the shitty zone. It proves that he's not only a singer of questionable talent, but also a miserable failure for a son.

Predictions: Bye, Nick Pedro! Pack your weiner and go, Jared.

Top 12 Boys: The Recap

Mmm... Top 24. We finally made it. Gawd, it took long enough. But far be it from me to be a further cock tease so let's get down to business. Here's how the Top 12 boys fared tonight:

Rudy Cardenas
Peformed: "Free Ride" by The Edgar Winter Group
Oh my God, that was horrendous. Dude, Randy, the ass munch to end all ass munches, called you "corny." How can you ever recover? You can't. Leave now. Don't even show up for the results show. Seriously, go.

Brandon Rogers
Peformed: "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson
Brandon is this season's official Camera Fucker. He follows in the footsteps of Justin Guarini, Constantine Maroulis and Ace "Lookie at My Scar" Young. Um... not exactly the best company to be keeping, Brandon. But you seem like a nice fella so I'll spare you a bitch slap, even though your song sucked ass. Do better next week. Might I suggest less camera fucking and more note hitting? Give it a whirl, why don't ya?

Sundance Head
Peformed: "Nights in White Satin" by The Moody Blues
Oh, Vagina Beard... what a horrific mess you've become! I believe Simon summed it up best: "I don't like you tonight." Actually, I wasn't too keen on you during the Hollywood Week neither. What the hell happened to you?!

Several weeks back I likened Sundance to Meat Loaf because I think they're both fat fucks. Little did I realize back then that the comparison would run much deeper than dimpled flab.

In tonight's outing, Sundance affected a Meat Loaf-like yelp as well as some dramatic hand gestures and flourishes for good measure. All that was missing was the handkerchief and that chick with the black curly hair who sing-talks to Meat Loaf in several songs on the Bat Out of Hell album. Speaking of which... don't get any ideas, Sundance! Take my advice and stay away from "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" or ew, "Heaven Can Wait." Nothing good can come of it. And don't get any fancy ideas about singing Styx or Blue Oyster Cult neither. You've been warned.

Paul Kim
Peformed: "Careless Whisper" by Wham!
Yet another train wreck. Not the most auspicious start to the season, I must say. Paul not only irritated my ear drums with his attempted falsetto, but he also incurred my wrath by executing the dreaded "touch the pretend headphone" gesture mid-screech. There's nothing in your ear, shit head. But if I had my way, my foot would be. Stop the pantomiming! And get yourself some shoes! No one wants to see your gnarly bare feet.

Actually, I take that back. Don't heed my generous and helpful advice. You bore and sicken me simultaneously. Be gone.

Chris Richardson
Peformed: "I Don't Want To Be" by Gavin Degraw
I love.. no, ADORE Chris. His song was nowhere near perfect but he's adorable and looks like he's having fun and totally enjoying the experience. He could very well be my favorite this season. Chris will be treated with kid gloves by me. Anyone who dares besmirch his good name will know no such dispensation. I'll house your ass(es).

Nick Pedro
Peformed: "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx
Nick gets points for saying "Vote for Pedro" instead of doing the annoying "Call me!" gesture at the end of his performance but I have to immediately retract those points because he sang a Richard Marx song. Don't do that ever again, Nick. Ever.

Blake Lewis
Peformed: "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane
I love that Blake selected a Keane song. I was worried that he'd bust out the beat box yet again but he pleasantly surprised me with his song choice and competent delivery. I'm still a bit iffy about his personality but I won't quite add him to my shit list just yet. However, he does have serious dickhead potential. He could easily become a loathsome figure. The jury's still out but as far as tonight goes, he's okay by me.

Sanjaya Malakar
Peformed: "Knocks Me Off My Feet" by Stevie Wonder

Dear Sanjaya,
Don't let your sister select your songs anymore... because she clearly hates and resents you. I, however, do not. Nor does Jess. She sent me a text message during the show informing me that she "[wants] to smush" you. No, don't be scared! It's a good thing. It's similar to her desire to eat cute babies and crush the skulls of adorable puppies. No really, it's a compliment! We both think you're adorable. Say, can I brush your hair? Wait, why are you crying? Come back! It's okay. We mean you no harm. Come baaaaaaaaaaack! Resist your sister!

Chis Sligh
Peformed: "Typical" by Mute Math
I like Chris. I really, really do but I didn't quite care for his backtalk to Simon tonight. Insolence does not suit him, particularly when it sounds rehearsed. I like my barbs and comebacks sharp and quick-witted, which his usually are. Don't be so cheeky, Chris.

Jared Cotter
Peformed: "Back at One" by Brian McKnight
I did not enjoy this performance. Hell, I don't even remember enough about it to write something snotty. So I won't. God, I love editorial freedom.

A.J. Tabaldo
Peformed: "Never Too Much" by Luther Vandross
I think A.J. is adorable. I didn't love his song tonight but he's exuberant and eager and well, even a cranky beeyotch like me can recognize that. Good luck, A.J.

Phil Stacey
Peformed: "I Could Not Ask for More" by Edwin McCain
This is perhaps the most bipolar performance I've ever witnessed, ever. It started out in the shit house and found its way to fucking awesome before long. Also, I think Phil is kind of a doofus but I dig the way he graciously and wisely listened to Simon's critique. He's a good boy.

Wow, I'm getting soft. Actually, no, it's just fatigue setting in. It's late and I appear to be running low on my piss and vinegar reserves. We can't have that! I'll be good and tanked up for tomorrow night's take down of the girls. But, before I go...

Predictions
Because two contestants are sent home in this round, I'll forgo the usual Bottom Three prediction and cut right to the chase. I predict Rudy Cardenas and Paul Kim will be the first to get the boot. Good riddance!

Recap, News and Other Blathering

No more auditions! Yay! I'm happy as could be, and the previews for Hollywood week look awesome.

I'm not going to talk about the trainwrecks on Wednesday's show. Only the two that I actually liked. Tami Gosnell, the pedicab driver who sounds like Janis Joplin, is awesome. I love her. Ebony Jointer is just amazing. I bet her other two rollerskating friends secretly hate her. I'm not sure why they let her cohort, Ashley Cleland, through exactly, but whatevs. I'm over it.

Now, onto the news:

WebMD talks to psychology experts about what makes people who couldn't sing their way out of a paper bag audition for American Idol. (WebMD)

Las Vegas contestant Mikalah Gordon shares what really goes on during Idol auditions. (TV Squad)

Ayla Brown's daddy hates the gays. Naturally, everyone hates Senator Scott Brown. And he's not afraid to talk about it, much to the horror of the teachers at the King Philip Regional High School assembly he was speaking at. (CBS News)

Speaking of bad daddies, Clyde Raymond Pickler, Jr., who sired none other than Kellie Pickler, attacked a female acquaintance with a steak knife. Glad to see all that prison time straightened his ass out. (Charlotte Observor)

The final 24 predictions have begun (phillyBurbs)

Idol alum Anthony Federov hits Broadway as a cast member in The Fantasticks (Theater Mania)

More Courtney Love madness. Rumor has it she's been asked to guest judge on Nirvana night. Wait, Idol's doing a Nirvana night? Please. Oh please, let this be true. (Celebrity Spider)

TWoP's Wednesday recap

EW's Wednesday recap

Not Necessarily the News

As part of their "People You Should Know" section, CNN asks Katharine McPhee the tough questions. You know, hard-hitting questions like, "Your image is much sexier now. Was that intentional?" I hate when I accidentally give myself a sexy makeover. I did it twice last week, even. (CNN)

Paula Abdul gets sued for secretly selling her reality show that was supposed to air on Oxygen to Bravo. Well, of course she did. She probably figured no one would notice. Also, whatever network Hey Paula finally airs on, I am SO there. (Post Chronicle)

Ashlyn Carr, she of the second chances and the strange facial expressions (and also a very pretty voice, IMHO), is a hardened criminal. Okay, not really, but she was charged with criminal mischief in November 2006 for pouring sugar in her ex-boyfriend's gas tank. If he was another one of those people who were mean to her because she had such a great voice, then he totally deserved it, obvs. (Reality TV magazine)

Speaking of criminal Idol contestants, Akron Watson, also from San Antonio, was uninvited after getting through to Hollywood. While he does have a misdemeanor charge of marijuana possession against him, he'd apparently told Idol about it. Very curious. He's launched a MySpace page to gain support to be reinstated as a contestant. (Reality TV Magazine)

And because I'm apparently a Reality TV Magazine groupie today, here's another: There's a rumor floating around that Sean Michel, my personal favorite thus far, may be disqualified for not cutting his long-ass Jesus hair and beard. This better not be true. Not in a world where we have to live with Taylor Hicks, who the boyfriend refers to as "that elderly gentleman who won American Idol last season." (Reality TV Magazine)

Back in the day, Simon Cowell was a little girly man cowering before Eddie Murphy. (TV Squad)

Miss last night's show? I missed some of it because I was baking a sticky toffee pudding. I'd give you some, but I really didn't make enough for everyone and that wouldn't be fair. Thank heavens the audition shows are finally over! If you need to catch up on the San Antonio auditions, choose your own adventure:

People Magazine's recap

EW's recap

Television Without Pity's recap

Or, you know, check back later for Curly's recap. Naturally, it will be the best one.

A Recap and a Roundup. Lucky Yous!

Okay, so I never quite got around to recapping the New York auditions when I said I would. My bad. What can I say? I suck and you should never ever date me.

But that's a story for another time and another blog. Oooh, shameless plug.

Anyhoo, I have to say that I was expecting to cringe through the entire two hours of this particular round because, prior to auditioning at Chelsea Piers in Manhattan, the contestants were first vetted at Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, NJ. See, I grew up a stone's throw from there and I was hoping against hope that the denizens of my home state wouldn't show me up... because, clearly, I am the bastion of class and propriety and shit.

But I'm happy to report that my fellow Garden Staters held their own. While cheesy and kind of annoying, Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba of Holmdel and Point Pleasant, respectively, didn't leave me wishing that I was born five months premature when my family still resided in Brooklyn, NY. Again, they were cheesy but not horrendous.

Do you know who was horrendous though? That Fania Tsakalakos. She's the one who treated us to the Big Fat Greek Audition and informed us that she's "from Athens, Greece and New Jersey."

I'm confused. Did her mother go into labor on the way from Greece to Newark Airport? Enlighten me, Fania. Oh and since I'm on this kick where I make questionable comparisons between contestants and celebrities in my recpas, I'm going to go ahead and say that Fania looks like the end result if Lainie Kazan and Nia Vardalos mated. Opa!

Since Mejack did such a bang-up job of summarizing the show, I'm going to shut up and move on into the most recent American Idol headlines.

Never let it be said that I have not mastered the smooth segue...

Katharine McPhee gives a lovely interview to People Magazine this week. Shut up, Mejack. It's true! Among other things, she acknowledges that she came across as "aloof" and "dry" on the program. Self-critique is hot. My crush is restored. Again, shut up Mejack! (AmericanIdol.com)

Kat can also be found in a guest-starring role in the hit sitcom "Ugly Betty" on February 1 (ABC, 8PM EST). That is quite possibly, the one and only time the words "ugly" and "Katharine McPhee" were ever uttered in the same sentence. I'm so serious, Mejack. Zip it. (Blogcritics)

Chris Daughtry's first album bearing the oh-so-original name of Daughtry is currently No. 1 on The Billboard 200. I can't say I'm shocked. After all, this is a nation where the likes of Applebees and the Olive Garden thrive. We have an isatiable appetite for the bland, tasteless and ultimately unsatisfying. It's a wonder plain rice cakes are not the number one snack food. (AmericanIdol.com)

But, if Daughtry is your sort of thing and you happen to live in the Greensboro, North Carolina area, well, we just can never be friends. Oh, I kid. While I do think Chris is a tool, I have no beef with The Tar Heel State. Y'all will be the envy of many a geographically-challenged Daughtry fan when the chrome-domed singer treats his homestate to a free concert on March 23, 2007. Uh, yeah... have fun with that. (Monsters and Critics.com)

Lastly, those of you equipped with a PlayStation 2 -- and a desire to humiliate yourself in the privacy of your own home -- can "audition" for Idol courtesy of Konami's Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol. OMG. I don't have PlayStation but between this game and Guitar Hero, I think I really need to get myself one. Donations gladly accepted. I don't rule out the odd sexual favor in exchange. (A+E Interactive)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Memphis Recap

Is it just me or was tonight's episode rather lackluster? I scribbled down some notes while watching but looking over them now, I realize I'm low on both original thoughts and sufficient bile to soak them in.

But I'll give it a whirl anyway...

Jason "Sundance" Head shows promise in the vocal department. He also shows a striking resemblance to Meatloaf. Oh and his chin looks like it's covered in pubic hair. There's something obscene and unkempt about it. He needs to go at that thing with a Personal Touch trimmer and a bottle of Nair.

Timika Sims. Yeah, I'm not going there. Not because I think she's an easy target and I'm trying to take the high road here. Oh no. It's mostly because, like Simon, I couldn't understand a goddamn word she said.

Wandera Hitchye treated us to the evening's first meltdown. She's the broad who stormed out of the room, covered up the camera lens and yelled, "Get that shit out my face. I don't want to see that." Funny, I was thinking the same thing about her hair. It was like a series of bright red stalagmites. The more I think about it, the more I want to go spelunking.

Christopher "Topher" McCain. He's the poor schlub who looked like a more zaftig Dave Barry and was recently dumped by his wife. This audition was supposed to be the ex's comeuppance but well... no, Topher, it wasn't. If anything, it just strengthened her case for divorce.

And lastly, Robert Lee Holmes. Here's a guy I would actually feel bad picking on, believe it or not. So I won't. But I do have to share this exchange between Robert and Simon:

Robert: "I sing, dance, act and I write stories."

Simon: "What kind of stories do you write?"

Robert: "I write the story about the music of Robert."

Simon: "... How does the current part end?"

Robert: "With a period. It ends with a period."

Brilliant, Robert, just brilliant.

Photos: AmericanIdol.com

Newsbreak

Katharine "Tits" McPhee will star on "Lonelygirl15" Friday. Jess' head explodes from thinking too hard about fake reality vs. semi-fake reality vs. actual reality. We'll post the video, natch. (Pantagraph)

A buttload of people watched last night's premiere. 37.3 million, to be exact. That's even more than last year. And it breaks some kind of record or something. Dateline? Boston Legal? In yo face, suckas. (TV Week)

Sexy recappers whose American Idol wrap-ups I've been eagerly awaiting return: Michael Slezak from Entertainment Weekly and Joe R (and Jacob?) from Television Without Pity. Here's my favorite excerpt, from the TWoP recap:

Tashawn Moore is "dressed to impress" in a men's shirt and tie and is generally the most fantastic person on this entire show. She can't sing, nor can she remember any of the words to Prince's "Kiss," but she keeps snapping and shimmy-shaking and closing her eyes, picking out lyrics from the ether as she passes. She's utterly hysterical and cute and terrible, and it goes on forever and is totally worth it.

TMZ thinks Paula Abdul was downing whisky in her Coca-Cola cup (Sponsor alert! Product placement!) like there was no tomorrow to numb the pain of the performers. Can't say I blame her -- I did the same. (TMZ)

Diana Ross to share her special brand of batshit crazy with Idol hopefuls. Also, she's too busy to see Beyonce unconvincingly (so I've heard) try to emulate her in Dreamgirls (ABC-7 Chicago)

More Thoughts on the Season Premiere

The Lovely Jess was good enough to record our quips and color commentary during last night's season premiere. Now that I've had some time to chew on the scenes that unfolded before our horrified eyes last night, I would like to contribute a few more items:

1) In retrospect, it wasn't all that funny to watch Jason Anderson, a pimply 16-year-old boy, have an emotional breakdown after his audition went sour. And by "went sour," I mean sucked ass from the get-go.

I blame his family and friends though, not the judges. This is what happens when a whipped parent blows smoke up a child's ass -- the kid is reduced to tears before millions of people and will probably receive a daily wedgie from classmates from now until he graduates. Unless, of course, he cracks under the pressure of the relentless taunts and ridicule and drops out of school and ends up turning tricks and huffing spray paint in a dumpster behind the Mall of America.

What's even more tragic is that we, the audience, were assaulted with this "triple threat" of screeching, clod-hopping and Devil Stick... er, juggling? Sticking? I don't know even know what to properly call that shit. Why did he even bring them? Last I checked, this was an "American Idol" audition, not the parking lot at a Phish show. Speaking of which, mmm... nitrous.

2) You can pretty much rescue the most painful of insults by attaching a "sweetheart" or a "darling" to the end of it. Simon Cowell excels at this. "You were absolutely dreadful and have not a stitch of talent. Now off you go, sweetheart." See, it starts out cold and harsh but softens ever-so-slightly when that term of an endearment is tacked on at the end. It's sort of brilliant. The next time I call someone's mama a fat whore, I'll be sure to use this tactic.

3) Josh Flom is yet another misguided "rocker" who fancies himself the next Chris Daughtry and has mistaken phlegm-clearing for singing. Initially, I did not enjoy his audition, but dear Lord, my anticipation of his singing an ABBA song was quite possibly the best part of the whole show. While I waited patiently for him to select and subsequently butcher a beloved pop confection, I took it upon myself to apply his singing style to a medley of every ABBA song I know. FYI, "Fernando" and "Winner Takes It All" were the funniest of the sad lot. Well, to me, at least. Jess, Sheila and Mejack might not agree.

4) Paula, while clearly strung out on something, was rather subdued last night. With the exception of a few erratic arm-waving and swatting gestures, she held it together. Maybe Jewel had a calming effect on her. I know from personal experience that if you sit me down with a Jewel song or, perish the thought, some of her poetry, I'll be sawing logs in no time. Jewel's not a singer, she's a sedative. For Paula's sake, they should become BFFs. But for my sake, and the sake of this blog, they most definitely should not. Paula's spaz-outs are the leading source of most of our material. Speaking of which, we'll be launching a new Paula feature this week. And it's a good one! Details to come.

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Premiere: The Sort-of Recap

Sheila, Mejack and Curly came over last night to drink wine, eat pizza, hummus, pita chips and girl scout cookies, and howl with laughter at the bad contestants. I took notes. Here they are. And is it me, or are the "good" singers so far not all that good?

Mejack on Jessica Rhode (Jewel wannabe, disturbing skirt): She sounds like Pee-Wee Herman.

Jessica Rhode on Jessica Rhode (after being told she would most definitely NOT be going to Hollywood): I'm like waiting for them to come out here and be like 'psyche!'

Jess and Sheila, respectively, on Jesse Holloway (black dude, mumbler):

DisTAAANCE?

It's abusive!

Mejack on Charles Moody: If that doesn't say methamphetamine, I don't know what does. He's a gay, Uncle Sam tweaker.

Sheila on Tashawn Moore (when she "tuned in" to the imaginary sound coming through her imaginary headphones): Sweetie, there's no other sound in the room.

Mejack and Curly, respectively, on Perla Meneses:

Randy, your dick's talking.

She's like Shakira and Charo's love child.

Sheila on Jarrod Fowler (Navy Guy): Hun, I think you're hot and I want your cock, is what's happening.

Sheila and Mejack, respectively, on Michelle Steingas:

I like her.

I don't like her belt.

Mejack on Dayna Dooley (black chick whose boss wants to bang her): Randy's got a boner.

Curly and Sheila, respectively on Matt Sato (little gay boy with unfortunate mole who sang "California Dreamin"):

Uh oh, what's on your nose?

DON'T sex this song up.

Me? I'm not funny so I just take notes. Actually no, I have one:

Jess on Josh Flom (Chris Daughtry wannabe): You're not a rocker, you're a PUSSY.

We counted three "dawgs" from Randy. I guess he's trying to exercise a little restraint this season. Simon? Awesome. Paula? Drunk. Jewel? Wait, Jewel was there? I didn't notice. Also, TVgasm has a full recap. YouTube is letting me down in a big way, though. I want video of the juggler real bad.

UPDATE: Death by Camera has something truly awesome. The rejects' MySpace profiles. Of course, I don't know what Mejack is going to do with her afternoon now, but still. Amazing. Via Gawker.