Unbreak My Heart

Picture it. Sicily. 1932. Wait, no. That's not right.

Picture it. New York City. 2008. Jess arrives home from culinary school (Pizza and focaccia night: Yum!), hits "List" on her DVR remote, and scans the trash she's taped: Gossip Girl, Rock of Love With Bret Michaels, Celebrity Rehab With Doctor Drew, and Planet Earth, because nature is a whore. No American Idol. But how can this be? she thinks, checking her Series Manager, only to find that Idol has mysteriously disappeared from her recording list. Stuffed to the gill with carbs and cheese and bursting with anticipation, she's left with only one option: News, and a frantic email plea to her similarly-afflicted sisters to pick up the slack until next week when she's, as the kids say, back to her regularly scheduled programming.

Playing the Ratings Game
In case you didn't hear, a lot of freaking people watch Idol. The season premiere averaged 33.2 million total viewers, making it the most watched show of the entire 2007-2008 season so far. Not too shabby, right? Well, consider this. Last year's premiere was 10% higher, with 37.3 million viewers. A bad sign? Well, considering there's a writer's strike going on and there's nothing else on fucking television, I'm going to go with "yes."

Simon Says Britney Can Call Him Any, Anytime
Simon Cowell sat down with the New York Post for some reason I can't quite identify, and dished on the show, his exit date, and Britney Spears. He calls the auditions "increasingly like torture," spills that he's only got two years on his contract (but doesn't say whether he thinks he'll re-up if given the chance), and offered his wisdom, compassion and paternal shoulder to one Ms. Britney Spears.

Why is Chris Daughtry Still Talking?
In a move that epitomizes his profund douchebaggery, Chris Daughtry told Rolling Stone that he thinks Idol is losing its luster. This comes on the heels of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee and Ruben Studdard losing their record contracts. Oh, and it was the night before the premiere, too. Methinks someone's still bitter they got voted off the show! Just think how lusterful the show would have been if a boring, Fuel-frontman wannabe with zero charisma, dumb sideburns and the same exact voice that emenates from every other pseudo-rock singer had won! Now that's some exciting TV!

No Apples For Nigel
This is a juicy one! Apparently, Nigel Lythgoe choreographed a musical film in 1980 called The Apple, which has been billed as one of the worst films ever. It ran as a double feature with Xanadu! And I promise you this, angels. I WILL find this. And I will watch it with glee. And then I will either show it to you or tell you all about it. If any of y'all have seen it, please share. PLEASE.

And to all, a good night. Fucking DVR.

Friday News Update

It's a light news day, people. All anyone wants to discuss is skanky Antonella Barba and how she's still on the show. I apologize in advance for boring you.

Jennifer Hudson up for an NAACP Image Award
Beyonce's up for a few too, so maybe she'll stop making voodoo dolls of Jennifer Hudson and praying to The Dark Lord to wipe her from existence.

Bucky's #1
The video for Bucky Covington's first single, "A Different World," debuted at #1 on CMT's Pure Country Video Playlist. I'm not sure if that's a good thing; as I'm not terribly familiar with either the channel or the show, but it sounds like it's the TRL of country music, in which case, go Bucky!

FOX is #1, Too!
FOX swept the ratings Thursday night, just like it does on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I'm not a ratings analyst, but I don't really get why everyone is so surprised by this.

Ask the Idols
Do you want to know what it is about Phil Stacey that makes him both scary and intensely likeable at the same time? If Sundance Head cries when he watches Bambi? If Blake Lewis knows how awful that hat was? If so, PEOPLE is sitting down with the 'Idol' hopefuls and asking them YOUR questions. If you submit one, and your question is featured, let us know! We won't make fun of you. Promise.

If you need a pick-me-up after all that, check out Kellie Pickler's new breasts:

Afternoon News Update

I don't know who these people are, but apparently they met while auditioning for the show and are now engaged: Cavett Carr and Darold Gray. Anyone remember these two? (Contact Music)

Idol Camp! If I wasn't pushing 50, I would be SO there. (PR Newswire)

America would rather watch chicks sing than dudes, and would rather watch Idol then just about everything. Duh. (Broadcasting & Cable)

Simon buys a new Ferrari, which TMZ thinks is "indulgent." If TMZ thinks that's indulgent, they should have seen my white, rusted, '89 Volkswagon Golf, Now that's indulgence, yo.

Rumor has it Tom Lowe, who got booted during Hollywood week, once worked as a male escort. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Is it just me, or does Idol get more scandalous every season? (Vote for the Worst: Link only working when it feels like it)

News Roundup

Greetings! One-fifth of your favorite "pseudo-intellectual satirist" team has just returned from Ireland, where I dutifully watched a little bit of the Memphis auditions during football half-time (soccer for you Americans). I still have a couple of hours to catch up on, so I'll stick with the news until I've done so. I do, however, love Sean Michel, the homeless-looking hippie dude who sang Johnny Cash. I want to do bong hits with him. Anyway, the news:

Simon Cowell hates technology, music, often rubs two sticks together to make fire. Guess that means he'll never read American Midol. (AZ Central)

Katharine McPhee releases her highly-anticipated (couldn't even type that with a straight face) debut album. If you're curious to hear what all the fuss is about, but loathe to shell out the big bucks to do so, it's your lucky day, because AOL Music is streaming that bitch for free. (WTOP)

Armed & Famous cancelled due to poor ratings, leading TV execs and the media to the shocking conclusion that if you want a new show, an old show or any show, really, to succeed, you might not want to air it opposite American Idol. (Canada.com)

Chris Daughtry's debut album hits #1. In related news, Americans have really shitty taste in music. (93X Rocks)

Everything you never wanted to know about what went on behind the scenes at the Birmingham auditions. (MyFox Birmingham)

When drunk and incoherent, it's always best to blame Simon Cowell. Riiiight, Paula. (Access Hollywood)

And there you have it. I'd also like to address a couple of search terms that have recently brought visitors to the site. First, to the person who got here by searching for "mean american idol bloggers suck," I'm terribly sorry you feel that way. And for the individual searching for Ryan Seacrest's height, the official party line is 5'8", but since short guys always add an inch or two, I'm guess he's actually around 5'6" or 5'7". Has anyone stood next to him? If so, kindly weigh in.

Newsbreak

Katharine "Tits" McPhee will star on "Lonelygirl15" Friday. Jess' head explodes from thinking too hard about fake reality vs. semi-fake reality vs. actual reality. We'll post the video, natch. (Pantagraph)

A buttload of people watched last night's premiere. 37.3 million, to be exact. That's even more than last year. And it breaks some kind of record or something. Dateline? Boston Legal? In yo face, suckas. (TV Week)

Sexy recappers whose American Idol wrap-ups I've been eagerly awaiting return: Michael Slezak from Entertainment Weekly and Joe R (and Jacob?) from Television Without Pity. Here's my favorite excerpt, from the TWoP recap:

Tashawn Moore is "dressed to impress" in a men's shirt and tie and is generally the most fantastic person on this entire show. She can't sing, nor can she remember any of the words to Prince's "Kiss," but she keeps snapping and shimmy-shaking and closing her eyes, picking out lyrics from the ether as she passes. She's utterly hysterical and cute and terrible, and it goes on forever and is totally worth it.

TMZ thinks Paula Abdul was downing whisky in her Coca-Cola cup (Sponsor alert! Product placement!) like there was no tomorrow to numb the pain of the performers. Can't say I blame her -- I did the same. (TMZ)

Diana Ross to share her special brand of batshit crazy with Idol hopefuls. Also, she's too busy to see Beyonce unconvincingly (so I've heard) try to emulate her in Dreamgirls (ABC-7 Chicago)