Hollywood Week Begins! The Recap

We had a shortened audition schedule this year, but it still felt like an eternity. And now we're at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, where 147 hopefuls vie for 36 spots, and then later, one spot, which guarantees them the post-Idol fame of either Kelly Clarkson or Taylor Hicks. Which one do you think they want?

There's another new twist this season - Idol boot camp, where contestants have access to vocal coaches, stylists and a "glam squad." I'm initially annoyed by this, as I like seeing how the contestants progress from dumpy to divalicious during the course of the entire competition, but then I see them later and they all look as frumpified as they did before. Idol boot camp also features a surprise mentor - Barry Manilow, looking more like an aging high school girls' gym teacher than ever. Mentoring apparently consists of giving a speech, which he does while the contestants look bored and wonder who this lady is, and why she thinks she knows so much about music.

Day 1: Half of the 147 sing, the other half get to frolic around Hollywood. One unlucky person has to split him or herself in half and do both, but we aren't privy to that footage. Here's how it works this year: the 73.5 people performing today will be split into groups of 8, where they will take turns singing a capella. If they suck, they go home on the spot.

Apparently, Kara got the memo I sent, which said "COVER UP YOUR BREASTS SERIOUSLY I CAN ALMOST SEE YOUR AREOLA EVERY TIME YOU TURN DO YOU WANT TO SLIP A NIPPLE?" because she's got that shit covered up. With a shiny grey bag, which she has belted. Paula is dressed like a Victorian dominatrix, with some sort of dog collar contraption. Randy borrowed Mr. Rogers' best sweater. And I think we all know what Simon is wearing.

Group 1: Lil Rounds, Dennis Brigham and 6 other people we will not be introduced to this time around. Lil Rounds sings "I Will Always Love You" which is super screamy and fairly awful. The judges, for some bizarre reason, think it's awesome. Dennis Brigham sings "For Once In My Life," and it's a shit sandwich with no chips, and he makes his best crazy face while he sings. Lil and two other people make it. Dennis and four strangers are going home. Because Dennis doesn't just make crazy face, he actually IS crazy, he goes on a tirade that the judges are "sending the wrong message by sending him home." I would venture a guess that they're sending him home because he can't sing, which is actually the right message, in my humble opinion. Shut up and go home, Dennis. Nobody likes a sore loser.

Group 2: Nathaniel Marshall, Anoop Desai, Jasmine Murray, Rose Flack, Michael Castro and three strangers. Nathaniel sings "When the Anchor Holds" and I like it, though I'm baffled by his ensemble. The tattoos and piercings are cool, and while I don't love the button-down with a T-shirt over it with a tie thing, I get it. But the kicky headband throws it all off. The judges tell him that he picked the wrong song, which I don't necessarily agree with, and then he cries like a little girl and I go from really liking him to thinking he might end up being an unstable drama boy. (Spoiler: I am correct.)
Anoop Desai sings "If It's Magic" and he kicks so much ass. I think I love Anoop. Jasmine Murray sings "The Trouble with Love Is," and she's great, but she still bores the crap out of me. Rose Flack is clearly out of her element, and she warbles through "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" and I really wish she'd pull it together because I want to like her, I really do. Michael Castro, oddly enough, gets no air time, and the entire group is through.

Group 3: Stephen Fowler, who we have not seen before, Jorge Nunez and Von Smith. Stephen sings Stevie Wonder's "Superwoman" and he immediately becomes my favorite guy singer because he is that awesome. Jorge is wearing a scarf that no American man could ever get away with. He sings "Just Another Day," and it's really good.

Then there's Von Smith, who I didn't like at all in auditions and I haven't changed my mind one bit. He shouts "If the Rain Must Fall" at the judges, and people in Japan can hear him, and Simon calls it "indulgent nonsense" and I agree. For some reason, they still send him through, along with Stephen and Jorge, who Kara calls "George," and the rest of the group will have to wait until next year to get their 15 minutes, because they're going home.

We don't get to see any more groups from Day 1, but we do get "treated" to a montage of Normal Gentle/Nick Mitchell, who I am so over. He can sing, but I'm sick of his shenanigans. He sings/performs "You're Gonna Love Me" with a shoutout to Seacrest in the middle, that I have to admit is funny. Randy calls him "banoodles," which I am totally cribbing. The judges send him through, again. Sigh. Also through on Day 1: Frankie Jordan and Scott MacIntyre.

Day 2:

Day 2 starts with Ford pimpage! It seems a bit early for that, no? Especially since Americans can't afford more than Big Wheels at the moment.

Kara's boobs are back on display in a red dress with a slit down to her lady bits. Paula is dressed like a saloon whore, and suddenly, I realize that Paula's wardrobe choices are so over the top that they have actually crossed the line to completely rad. Yup, I said it.

Group 1: Jackie Tohn sings "Rock Me Right," and it's WAY over the top and ridiculous. The judges like it, because they huff gasoline when we aren't looking, and send her through.

Group 2:
BFFs Jamar Rogers and Danny Gokey. Jamar sings "California Dreamin'" and it's good. Danny sings "Kiss From a Rose," and I really love his voice. They're both through, along with some other people.

Bikini girl time! UGH. She's wearing something sparkly with feathers at the bottom, but at least she's dressed, I guess. She molests Ryan while he mentally figures out how much of a raise to ask for next year. She sings "Breathe" by Faith Hill. It starts out pretty good, I have to admit, but then completely falls apart halfway through. Kara and Paula agree with my assessment, and Simon and Randy call them catty, because in case you haven't heard, girls are like totally mean and jealous and competitive and vindictive, y'all! It's why they pay us less! So sick of mean girls stereotypes. What was I saying about Katrina being a talentless whore? OMG YOU GUYS I'M SO MEAN. Anyway, she's through, along with the rest of her group.

Jessica Paige Furney, Sharon Wilbur and Patricia Roman Lewis are all out, but we don't get to see their performances.

Group 4: Is "Roughneck" an actual job title? Michael Sarver sings, "I'm Gonna Love You More Than Anyone," and it's good. Jesus Valenzuela sings Stevie Wonder's "Lately," and it's not. Michael is through. Our Lord and Savior is going home to his 30 kids. (I know he only has two, but I liked it better when I thought he had 30, so I'm going to just stick with that.)

Last Group: David Osmond, Erika Wesley, Emily Wynn-Hughes and that nerdy guy. David sings "The Way You look Tonight," and he's good. Erika Wesley sings "I Gave Her My Heart but She Wanted My Soul" and it's just okay for me. Then, Emily Wynn-Hughes sings "Excuse Me Mister" by No Doubt instead of "I Put a Spell on You" which she had actually rehearsed. It's shockingly terrible, and everyone is baffled. They still put her through, though, along with David and everyone else but Erika. Erika begs for another chance, and Paula lies that she was totally on board but all the meanies out-voted her. Erika continues to grasp at straws, claiming she has to get another shot because it's her cousin's birthday. LAME. They send her home.

Alexis Grace, Brent Keith, Anne Marie Boskovich and Adam Lambert are also through, and the grand total of people through is 104. Tomorrow: Group round! Drama! Sequins and standing ovations! Can. Not. Wait.

Jacksonville Audition Recap

"Idol" headed to Jacksonville, Florida to check out the local talent last night, and they -- as well as those of us suffering at home -- found it sorely lacking. In fact, it might have been the worst two days of auditions in "Idol" history. And to make matters even worse, it was boring. When the judges are the most entertaining part of the show, you might want to start looking into some new cities for next year.

In case you thought I was exaggerating about how bad Jacksonville sucks, here's all you need to know about this city -- they worship Randy Jackson. Like, they want to build a giant statue of him in the town square and take turns humping it. And even though he was sporting a florescent t-shirt decorated with palm trees, I bet they STILL love him. It has something to do with Journey or something. Now, I love Journey as much as the next gal. More, actually. I once developed a crush on a boy after having a heartfelt hour-long discussion of our shared love of Journey at a party. But the fact that Randy Jackson was in Journey is a small bit of trivia that I keep stored in the back of my brain next to the names of Britney Spears' children and Warrants' discography.

Let's get on to the suckage, shall we?

Joshua Ulloa, 22 years old, Beverly Hills, FL, tile layer
Joshua looks like Justin Guarini, and has an okay voice, but he's a GIANT douche, what with the sunglasses inside and the fake harmonica and the beat-boxing. He sings "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye and he's going to Hollywood, even though he should have been eliminated due to his abuse of both gimmicks and my delicate sensibilities.

Sharon Wilbur, 25 years old, Jacksonville, FL, non-profit administrator
Sharon has one of those little rat-dogs that I hate, Sasha, which she hands over to the judges while she sings "Superstar" by Karen Carpenter. She's pretty underwhelming, and because I'm so bored I can't stop staring at Kara DioGuardi's cleavage. She and Paula do that fake-making-out thing again, and one of her girls almost falls out. I have to say, I much prefer the innuendo between Simon and Ryan. It all feels very drunk-girls-at-a-frat-party to me. Sharon's going to Hollywood.

Dana Moreno, 24 years old, West Palm Beach, FL, college student
Dana's outfit is fascinating. She's wearing a red satin, off-the-shoulder mini-dress, possibly with exposed black bra straps, and a black fedora. She does unspeakable and tangibly uncomfortable things to Chaka Khan's "Through the Fire."

Kaneswa Finnie, 16 years old, Jacksonville, FL, student
Poor Kaneswa. She seems like a sweet girl, but she can't sing, and her either tone deaf or cruel mother encourages her. She sings Anita Baker's "Caught Up in the Rapture" with a "pum pum pum" thrown in here and there that's vaguely reminiscent of the "Little Drummer Boy." the judges rightly call her mother in afterward to tell her how badly her daughter sucks.

Julissa Veloz, 19 years old, Orlando, FL, sales associate
Julissa wants to be the first Latina American Idol, and she's wearing a sash that says "candidate" for the Miss Florida Latina USA pageant. I'm guessing she didn't win, because then she'd have the "winner" sash, right? Anyway, she's wearing a tiara and a silver minidress, and of course we all expect her to be terrible. Then she opens her mouth and sings Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing," and she's pretty good. Not great, but pretty good. She's also a total dork with a strange laugh and I secretly love her and she's going to Hollywood. Paula has some sort of meltdown during the judging deliberation and walks off, and Julissa talks her down and convinces her to come back.

Darin Darnell, 28 years old, Houston, TX
Darin took a shitload of ecstasy before auditions, fell in love with a boy he met on line, lost said boy to the cruel politics of eliminations, started to come down and began crying about the hopelessness of it all, came to the realization that no one understands him, and no one ever WILL understand him, and than squeezed out the words to "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye" by Boyz II Men while silently weeping, only to be sent home, where he vowed never to take drugs -- or try to sing in public -- again.

And… day two! Kara has found new and interesting ways to show off her cleavage this time with some sort of cutout and pulley system. We get it, Kara. You're young and hot and have BREASTS. Duly noted.

Naomi Sykes, 25 years old, Tampa, FL, food server
In what's possibly the strangest five minutes of "Idol," ever, Naomi sings "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton while her best friend sits on Randy's lap, Paula sits on Simon's lap, and Ryan bounces uncomfortably on Kara's lap. Naomi sounds worse than Eric Cartman did when he sang it on "South Park." Her friend is trying not to crack up the entire time, and Simon (and I) assumes she's kidding, but when he calls her on it, she loses her shit and CRIES. Everyone jumps up to hug her because she's clearly unstable. I also think her BFF secretly hates her.

Jasmine Murray, 16 years old, Starkville, MO, student
Jasmine is the youngest of six. She's pretty, and polished, and sings Fergie's verson of "Big Girls Don't Cry," and it's good, but boring, and she's going to Hollywood.

George Ramirez, 18 years old, Jacksonville, FL, college student
George has a giant hard-on for physics. He sings the dreariest version imaginable of "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves, and it's so bad that it crosses over into hilarious, and therefore, makes me feel like I actually AM walking on sunshine. And I bet that was his scientifically-orchestrated plan all along.

Anne Marie Boskovich, 22 years old, Nashville, TN, waitress
Anne Marie is completely starstruck over Kara. No really, I said Kara. K-A-R-A. I'm willing to forgive her for that, though, because she's the only legitimately awesome singer Jacksonville has to offer. Because the show is boring, Simon gives her some bullshit about how she needs to come back and audition as a different person instead of sending her straight to Hollywood. So she takes off her denim jacket, convinces a wandering makeup gypsy to slap some eyeliner on her, and comes back at the end of the show to sing "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. And she's still awesome, and she's going to Hollywood. Thanks for the show filler, Ann Marie!

T.K. Hash, 23 years old, Concord, NC, administrator
T.K. auditioned last season and didn't make it, so he's back with David Archuleta's version of "Imagine." It's good, and boring, and he's going to Hollywood.

Michael Perrelli, 18 years old, Orlando, FL, "musician"
Michael is a big whiny baby who gets weepy when he's told he can't audition with his guitar. Because he, like, sleeps with it and stuff. He sings mediocre song "Jumper" by mediocre band Third Eye Blind, and his rendition is slightly less than mediocre. Oh, and he's wearing a smiley face backpack that he mugged a 13-year-old Japanese girl for. Not going to Hollywood. Aside: Is Bret Michaels bringing back the bandanna? Because I am NOT down with that. Michael also throws a tantrum on the way out and totally disses his mom. He's a brat and a half.

Is it Hollywood week yet? Deep breath… almost here…

San Francisco Audition Recap

So, are the auditions over yet? Yeah, I didn't think so. Tonight was San Francisco, where the freakshow parade was hitting their tambourines pretty hard. In the opener, we are told that Idol has a huge boner for San Fran, because it produced Katharine McPhee, she of the tanking album, and William Hung, he of the ironic faux-success. So right away, I think it's going to be bad. And I'm not disappointed! Most upsetting is Ryan Seacrest, who forgot to do laundry and was forced to host the show in ratty jeans and the hoodie he wears while he watches Lifetime movies. Luckily, Kara washed all the clothes she wore when she was a stripper going by the name of Irina, and she graces us with a bedazzled shredded-sleeved number.

I'm going to get the people who were important enough to have their names displayed for Internet mocking/Hollywood week recognition but had no backstory out of the way first.

Not going to Hollywood:

Nick Reed: 17, Antelope, CA
He had frightening hair and sounded like Charlie Brown's parents beatboxing. He also came after a "fashion" montage, which showcased people in line dressed like nutters and people auditioning wearing nothing even remotely interesting.

Jiayi Yu, 16, San Mateo, CA
Sang "We Built This City" by Starship with the same amount of enthusiasm I exhibit while watching a football game.

James Smith, 27, Sacramento, CA, Ballroom Dancer
He didn't sing long enough for me to decipher what the song was. He was also terrible. He should have held off and auditioned for "So You Think You Can Dance."

Going to Hollywood:

John Twiford, 27, Sherman Oaks, CA, Music Teacher
He sang "Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder pretty well. He's also cute-ish, with hippie hair.

Allison Iraheta, 16, Los Angeles, CA
She has shocking red hair and sang Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" quite well.

Raquel Houghton, 28, Los Angeles, CA, Waitress/Bartender
She sang "Son Of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield, and is pretty in a Manson girl sort of way.

Okay, now that we've got the filler out of the way, let's get to the contestants who actually got some air time.

Tatiana Del Toro, 23, San Juan, Puerto Rico
Tatiana is a "full-time singer, musician, songwriter, writer, assistant director and film actor" who has no IMDB listing. She does have a MySpace music profile, though. When she's not vamping for the camera or laughing like a certified crazy person, she is annoying everyone she comes into contact with while wearing an animal print spandex mini-dress with a tutu stapled to the bottom of it. She sang "Never Loved a Man" by Aretha Franklin, and it wasn't terrible. She's good TV, so she's going to Hollywood.

Dean-Anthony Bradford, 27, Pasadena, CA, "Entrepreneur"
Those quotes are courtesy of the show, not mine. I'm skeptical about his age, because he looks about 45, and he's wearing the most ill-fitting plaid jacket ever to attempt to fit a man. Randy says he likes the jacket, sarcastically, but you know he kind of does, or at least he would if it had drum-major piping on it. Dean-Anthony started a special events production company, but it failed. He sings Simple Red's "Stars." Badly. He looks like he's having a seizure while he's singing. Simon razzes him about his hair color, which isn't actually particularly weird, and he makes a carpet/drapes joke which makes me want to vomit. When they tell him he's not going to Hollywood, he's pretty sure it was the coat that did him in, and not his crappy singing.

Jesus Valenzula, 29, North Highlands, CA, Fleet Manager
Initially, Our Lord and Savior appears to have about 30 kids, but then they bring the kids in after his boring, forgettable performance and it appears he only has two. They're cute, Jesus 2 and Gabriel, so the judges send him to Hollywood even though he sucks and has zero charisma and rather aggressive eyebrows.

Dalton Powell, 18, Manteca, CA, Unemployed Rubik's Cube Master
Ryan Seacrest tells this laid-back mumbly fellow that he might want to amp up the energy before going in or dip into the Seacrest coke stash. Dalton does neither, preferring to smoke a blunt and then sing Smokey Robinson's "Ooh Baby Baby" in falsetto. All of it. He is not going to Hollywood.

Akilah Askew-Gholston, 26, Oakland, CA, Aspiring Songwriter
This chick brought two things with her -- original songs and anatomical diagrams of the human body. She can't pronounce larynx. Or trachea, but she apparently knows what both of them have to do with singing gospel songs. She sings "Make Sweet Love," an original song. It's terrible, of course, and she explains that it was because it "came from the wrong rectum." Paula tries to comfort her, and then walks off the stage in a huff, possibly giving everyone the finger. After they tell her she's not going to Hollywood, she interviews that she could have done better, but she let the judges "eractatate" her.

Annie Murdoch, 28, Novato, CA, Unemployed
She sings "Summertime" by Sam Cooke. It's over the top and screamy. Simone compares her to a drunk, and she's not going to Hollywood.

Adam Lambert, 26, Hollywood, CA
Adam was in "Wicked" and has David Cook hair. He sings Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it's good, but a bit theatrical and screamy. Still, he's adorable, even with the bad hair, so he's going to Hollywood. And in related news, no one on any reality show, ever, can compete with Sweet Suzie McNeil on "Rock Star: INXS" when it comes to "Bohemian Rhapsody," and if you don't believe me, I suggest you watch this video:



Kai Kalama, 26, San Clemente, CA. Musician
Kai has a sick mom and he takes care of her when he's not out rocking. It's a sweet story, and he's cute in a rough-around-the-edges-will-be-hot-once-stylists-get-involved kind of way. He sings "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by the Platters and it's good, and he's going to Hollywood.

And there you have it, folks. Hang in there -- the auditions will be over soon. that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

American Idol Premiere: 8th Verse, Same as the First

So remember how this season of American Idol was going to be NEW and DIFFERENT? Well, it's not. Sure, we have a new judge who may or may not want to make out with Paula Abdul, and we had a girl in a bikini audition for the show, but aside from that, it's all the same -- dumb, endless montages, ratty shirts on Simon, and Seacrest thinking girls are icky, especially ones in bikinis. Here's a rundown of all of last night's noted and notable performance, with first and last names so you can go and look everyone up on MySpace and Facebook, because I'm not doing that shit until we get to the Top 36.

Tuan Nguyen, 20
"The Way You Make Me Feel" (Michael Jackson)
This guy and his fro could have saved himself a lot of air time -- and a lot of embarrassment -- had he not decided to dance. Related: he may or may not be auditioning for the next season of So You Think You Can Dance. No Hollywood.

Emily Wynne-Hughes, 21
"Barracuda" (Heart)
She got pierced and tattooed and dyed her hair pink so she'd never had to work in an office, which I can get down with. Also, it takes balls to try to sing that song a capella. Going to Hollywood/

Randy Madden, 27
"Livin' on a Prayer" (Bon Jovi)
This guy looked just like Izzy Stradlin and cried like a little girl pretty much the whole time. And he also sucked. And I'm not surprised that Ryan Seacrest can't tell his G 'n' R alums apart, because he was too busy shakin' it to Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time," back in those days, but he compared him to Axl Rose. No Hollywood.

JB Ahfua, 16
I found this guy mostly forgettable, except that it sounded like his song ended with the lyric "waking up inside of you," which is gross in a Dave Matthews "hike up your skirt a little more" way, and now I need to go take a shower. Going to Hollywood.

Michael Gurr, 17
"It Starts with Goodbye" (Carrie Underwood) then some song by Kara DioGuardi
He was nervous and barfy and sweaty and sounded like one of the Chipmunks having a seizure. No Hollywood.

X-Ray (Aundre Caraway)
He brought a guitar and never played it. Who is this guy -- Kip Winger? He sang some cactus song, and it was very noisy and jumpy. Randy loved it, because Randy is an idiot. No Hollywood.

Arianna Afsar, 16
"Put Your Records On" (Corinne Bailey Rae)
She hangs out with old people and encourages others to do the same. I thought she was sweet and cute, but nothing special. Going to Hollywood.

Elijah Scarlett, 22
"You're the First, the Last, My Everything" (Barry White)
Naturally he sang Barry White, as he has the deepest voice ever and that's all he could, theoretically, sing. Unfortunately, he couldn't even do that, and I'm a little sad we'll never get to hear him sing country. He reminded me of the "Let My People Go" guy from last season, and no, it's not because they're both black, you racists. No Hollywood.

Lea Marie Golde, 16
"Everytime We Touch" (Cascada)
This girls was wearing what looked like a pink felt cowboy hat, and she had a Trapper Keeper full of songs she'd written that she wanted to give to her favorite person in the world, Kara DioGuardi. She also couldn't sing. No Hollywood.

Stevie Wright, 16
"At Last" (Etta James)
She was low-key and a very good singer. Probably the best of the bunch. Plus, she was named after Stevie Knicks, which automatically makes her cool. Going to Hollywood.

Michael Sarver, 27
"Thank You" (Boyz II Men)
He has the 5th most dangerous job in the world, doing something on an oil rig. He was okay, nothing special, but he was hoping Idol would help him create a better life for his family. Sad story = ticket to Hollywood.

Katrina Darrell, 20
"Vision of Love" (Mariah Carey)
Ah, the bikini girl. Randy and Simon loved her. Paula and Kara hated her. She was good, in exactly the way that girls who get through to Hollywood in regular clothes are. Kara sang to prove she was much better, but she actually wasn't, and when Katrina pointed it out, Paula acted all scandalized but you could tell she was trying not to laugh, which was kind of awesome. And then she tried to make out with Seacrest and he begged her to go swimming instead. Going to Hollywood.

Eric Thomas, 17
"Ribbon in the Sky" (Stevie Wonder)
I don't remember this guy's song at all, but I do remember his "Sexual Chocolate" tattoo. And since he didn't make it through, his mom bought him a car, which seems like the wrong message, but who am I to judge someone's parenting philosophies? No Hollywood.

Brianna Quijada, 22
"Let's Hear it for the Boy" (Deniece Williams) and "Killing Me Softly" (Fugees)
She was sweet, and she was adorable, but she was a terrible singer. And for some reason, she's going to Hollywood. The hell?

Deanna Brown, 25
"Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" (Otis Redding)
She has a good voice, and I think she'll really start to shine once she has access to the stylists, if she lasts that long. Going to Hollywood.

Cody Sheldon, 17
"Wonderful World" (James Morrison)
Not only does Cody Sheldon look just like a goth version of former contestant Danny Noriega, I think he might actually BE Danny Noriega, in disguise, giving it another go. I smell a scandal! Going to Hollywood.

Alex Wagner-Trugman, 19
"Baby Come to Me" (James Ingram)
He used to sing in the closet and got mold poisoning because of it. He's pretty good, and may just be this season's loveable dork.

Scott MacIntyre, 23
"And So It Goes" (Billy Joel)
This was the blind guy. And he was good, but not great, and I feel mean for saying it, but I really don't think he would have gotten through had he not been blind. If you were following us on Twitter, Curly had this zinger: "I kind of feel bad that the blind guy has messy hair."

All in all, it was underwhelming. Or as one contestant we never did get to see perform muttered to the camera, "What a nightmare. This show is a joke."

Top 3 Recap

Lest anyone ever claim that American Idol is not completely fixed, I present to you tonight's episode. With a few exceptions, everyone associated with this show wants David Cook to win and hates Syesha Mercado. Weirdest song choices ever, which made the fact that I don't care about any of these people less of a factor and allowed me to actually get through it. Let's get to it then, shall we?

David Archuleta

Judges' Choice: "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel, chosen by Paula and delivered by Mayor Snarr from Murray City, Utah, who is rocking the fiercest, longest, pointiest mustache ever and what appears to be a "Members Only" jacket for membership in the U.S. of A. Randy: You're in it to win it, baby! Paula: Beautiful performance. Simon: Bit predictable, but good. Jess: Boring and creepy.

Singer's Choice: "With You," by Chris Brown. Randy: Wrong song choice. Paula: Great job, but he needs to focus on shortening up the phrases. Simon: Like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger. Jess: The girls are positively wetting themselves. He's paying too much attention to pandering to them, and not enough time keeping his song under control. It's shaky.

Producers' Choice: "Longer," by Dan Fogelberg. Randy: interesting song choice, another hot one! Paula: lovely. Simon: too gooey. Jess: I can't even comment on how the song was, because I cannot get over that choice. Are the producers selecting their songs from Shady Pines, or do they just hate David Archuleta?

Syesha Mercado

Judges' Choice: "If I Ain't Got You," by Alicia Keys. selected by Randy and delivered via text message while she rode in a limo in Tampa. Randy: Amazing job. Paula: She looks stunning, which means Paula was bored, too. Simon: Wishes Randy had chosen something more interesting. Word. Jess: Boring and pretty, which kind of sums up how I feel about Syesha.

Singer's Choice: "Fever," by Peggy Lee. Randy: Great performance. Paula: Interesting choice, but not sure it showcases who Syesha is. Simon: She'll regret choosing that song, lame cabaret performance. Jess: I think she knows she won't win at this point, and is auditioning for Broadway.

Producers' Choice: "Hit Me Up," by Gia Farrell. Randy: Just okay for me. Paula: Not the right type of song for Syesha. Simon: her week last week was the best, this song didn't define her. Jess: Stupid song choice, but she did what she could.

David Cook

Judges' Choice: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," by Roberta Flack, chosen by Simon, who is apparently a genius, and delivered via text message while David was on the air at the FOX affiliate in Kansas City. Randy: Wishes Simon had picked something more rock 'n' roll. Paula: (who seems pretty lucid tonight) David is her second favorite person who sings it (never mind on that lucid thing). Simon: One of his best performances. Jess: David looked super pissed to have to sing it. And it pains me to say, but he really brought it home. It was good. Fucking hell.

Singer's Choice: "Dare You to Move," by Switchfoot. Who? Randy: a little pitchy. Paula: too hard to condense into a minute and a half. Simon: Not the most melodic song in the world. Okay. Jess: Didn't love the song, but it was okay.

Producers' Choice: "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," by Aerosmith. Randy: Just okay for him. Paula: lots of blah blah crazy talk about how she wants to fuck him, possibly while Diane Warren watches. Simon: David Cook wins the night. Jess: IS PAULA WEARING A PLEATHER CORSET? It's predictably good. It makes me nostalgic for Antonella Barba, though. Those were good times, back when Idol was actually interesting and I gave a shit about who won or lost.

Prediction: Bye, bye Syesha. You'll kick ass in Chicago.

By the way, Justin Guarini came to Saturday detention because he didn't have anything better to do today.

Top 4: Recap

Four folks left. Three have been number one in votes. Competition is closer than ever. YOU MUST VOTE! This… is… American… Idol.

Randy Jackson bedazzled his hoodie for the show. Paula Abdul came straight from her cameo in the Saturday Night Fever remake and Simon Cowell, well, looks like Simon Cowell. Ryan Seacrest's faux-haux isn't as symmetrical as I'd like.

In the audience tonight:

• Luke Menard, looking adorable and geeky.
• Jamie Lynn-Sigler, looking like one of The Real Housewives of New York City
• Carly Smithson
• Rascal Flatts, who I thought was just one dude for the longest time

It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week. We're treated to a long montage of the history of rock n' roll set to Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Night." Each contestant will sing two songs each, and the judges will critique after each performance, which Ryan explains while making a subtle dig at Paula for last week's drunken faux-pas.

David Cook

First up, "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, which came out in 1982, the year he was born. Imagine if you will a Duran Duran song getting the David Cook treatment. Any song, really. That's exactly what it was. Yawn. Paula was out of her chair dancing like a groupie on Rock of Love the whole time. Randy thought it was just okay, solid but not mad hot. The audience boos him angrily. Paula says that it left her with a big appetite. Get it? Also, ew. Then she said something about watching him grow and flourish when he does the EXACT SAME THING every week. Shut up, Paula. Simon thought it was good, but a little bit copycat. Simon then goes on to say that David didn't do what he's done in previous weeks which was to take the song and make it his own. Actually, that's exactly what he did. In previous weeks, he took someone else's song and PASSED IT OFF as his own. Simon says he'll get through to next week.

His second song was The Who's "Baba O'Riley." Now, I love this song. It's one of my top songs ever. When it started, my first thought was, "Fuck, this is really good." Then it got really bad. Then it got really good. By the time it was over, I didn't know what to think. Randy loved it. Paula wants more of David Cook, preferably with exposed penis. Simon welcomed him back.

Final thoughts: Safe.

Syesha Mercado

First up, "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. I thought she rocked it. It was sexy, fun and she sounded great. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a bad, shrieky version of Tina Turner. I just want to know what kind of arm workout she does.

Her second song was "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. She sang her heart out. I thought it was great. I also never noticed how ginormous her boobs are before tonight. Randy didn't like the arrangement and thought she oversang it. Paula loved it, and welcomed Syesha to her dream, which made her start bawling. Simon loved it, which made Syesha cry some more, and then Paula turned on the waterworks. Then Syesha? Compared her reality show experience to the civil rights movement? Huh?

Final thoughts: Bottom two, but ultimately safe.

Jason Castro

First up, "I Shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley. Which is just so… obvious that I can't even support it. You know his friends back home are sitting around a four-foot bong watching FOX and saying, "Dude! Castro is, like, totally singing Bob Marley! No way! He he! Awesome!" It wasn't very good. Randy thought it was karaoke. Paula wasn't crazy about it. Simon thought it was utterly atrocious, and compared it to a first-round audition massacre. He asked Jason what he was thinking. The answer? "Bob Marley!" (And weed)

For his second song, Jason attempted "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. And lest you think he isn't stoned all the time, he forgot the words and thought it was hilarious. I really wish Jason would let me pick his songs for him. He'd be all, "I want to do some Dylan" and I'd be all, "Splendid! Here's 'Just Like a Woman!' Now go forth and rock!" And he would. Randy said he wasn't in the zone. Paula said it didn't blow her away, but he blows her away, and if given the chance, she'd blow… oh, never mind. Too easy. Simon tells him to pack his suitcase.

Final thoughts: I voted for him several times, because I'm not ready to stop mooning over him. And he's the new Vote for the Worst pick, so he might eek out a win over Syesha, but I think I'll be saying goodbye to my dreadlocked lover.

David Archuleta

First up, "Stand By Me" Ben E. King. It was great. The crowd loved him. The judges loved him. Is there any way the kid isn't going to win the whole thing? I'm thinking no. Also, Ryan always manhandles David like an awkward father who doesn't know how to show love. Although David would probably prefer that to the beast that is Jeff Archuleta, I'm guessing.

For his second song, David sang Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender," causing 12-year-old girls across the country to spontaneously hit puberty like all the potential slayers on the last episode of Buffy, only in this case, it isn't to save the world from evil -- it's so that David Archuleta may oneday spread his seed. If anyone wants to start another LDS polygamist sect, I think we've found a new leader. And people talk about the Obama cult. Randy loved how he was tender and caressed each word. Really. He said that. Gross as hell, right? Paula said it was one of her all-time favorite performances of his. Simon said he crushed the competition.

Final thoughts: Duh.

Top 6 Recap

Happy Earth Day, people! To celebrate, Idol will be using green power at the finale. Baby steps, right?

It's Andrew Lloyd Webber week. Jesus. Why is Idol doing this to us? It's like Beatles II: Electric Boogaloo times six thousand.

Syesha Mercado is doing "One Rock N' Roll Too Many," and I hate this show for making me have to look up every goddamn song. I'm not a big musical theater person, you see. How about a little chyron in the lower left hand corner, eh? This show is going to take me all night to recap. Aaaaanyway, Google tells me the song is from Starlight Express. Apparently, Syesha has a personality! Who knew? It was pretty great, actually, sultry and fun and on point. Randy thinks it's her best performance. Paula thinks she brought the house down, Simon thought it was sexy, and agreed with Randy. Everyone realized all at once, including me, that "Oh! So THIS is what Syesha is all about!" Broadway, not Billboard. And that's okay. She'll probably land a gig as soon as she gets booted, if her contract allows it.

Meatloaf is doing AT&T commercials, people. That is all.

Jason Castro is looking adorably dorky in an off-white suit. He has no idea who Andrew Lloyd Webber is, of course. I bet he knows who Bob Marley is, though. He's singing "Memories" from Cats, which is kind of hilarious. It's not very good, and believe you me, it PAINS me to say that. Randy thought it was a trainwreck. Paula thought it showcased his "unique being" and then babbled a lot because she's drunk. Simon deemed it the longest two minutes of his life, and compared him to a little boy being forced to sing at a wedding by his parents. Jason doesn't care -- he's got a four-foot bong back at the house and he's already on the tour.

I take back everything I ever said about Ryan's sexual orientation. He wants to bang old ladies. There. I figured him out. He has mountains of granny porn stashed in his house.

Brooke White is up. She's singing "You Must Love Me" from the Evita movie. She fucked up the lyrics in the beginning and asked to start again. Only the last time she had to start over, she was still awesome, and now she's just broken beyond repair, and there's no coming back from it this time. I actually hope she goes home soon. Not because I don't like her, because I do, but because I think if she spends any more time there, she's going to lose her shit in a big, not-at-all-fun, way. She's boring and not very good. Randy thought it wasn't so good. Paula thought the stopping and starting over was a major mistake. Simon thought it was uncomfortable. Brooke looks like she's ready to go backstage, drink a bottle of Southern Comfort, go down on David Cook and then collapse in a pile of tears and vomit.

David Archuleta is mauled by pre-teen girls. He's singing some lady song from Phantom of the Opera. "Think of Me." I don't know the original, but this sounds like 6th grade dance pop schmaltz. This show is never going to end, is it? Randy liked the runs, obviously. Fucking Randy and his runs. Paula thought it was perfect. Simon thought it was weak. Word, Simon.

Paul Stanley is in the audience, looking like Joan Rivers. Awesome.

Carly Smithson wanted to sing "All I Ask of You" from Phantom and ALW was like "Rubbish! Sing another song!" So she went with "Jesus Christ Superstar." She is wearing a kickass dress that I am coveting, hard. She sounds awesome, as always, and she's looking better every week. Randy thought it was good, but not her best performance. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty in the middle, but one of his favorite performances of the night. She has a T-shirt that says "Simon Loves Me (this week)" which is kind of hilarious and charming.

On a side note, I have an entire box of chocolates in my freezer and a raging case of PMS. I'm really worried about what's going to happen tonight.

On another side note, So You Think You Can Dance premieres May 22nd, and I'm literally beside myself with glee. Seriously, I just looked over and there I was. Gleeful.

David Cook is singing "Music of the Night" from Phantom, and ALW tells him he has to be sensual and sultry. And then they role-play a bit, and it's uncomfortable for everyone involved. I'm watching it, and I can feel David Cook trying to pork me through the TV, and I don't like it one bit. Stop trying to pork me with your sensual eyes, David Cook! I knew "sensual" was going to translate into "camera fucking." Randy thought it was an amazing performance. Paula thinks it proved he was well-rounded. Simon didn't like it because David didn't find a generic rock band's cover of it on iTunes to rip off.

Wow, Jason Castro sounds so much better in the rehearsal clip at the end than he did in his performance. Y'all knew those wrap-up clips are from rehearsals, right? Live show, not enough time to edit, and all that jazz?

Bottom three: Jason Castro, Brooke White and Syesha Mercado
Going home: Syesha Mercado

Just to clarify: I don't think Syesha is bad. However, people like me want to look at Jason's sweet, adorable face for as long as humanly possible, and Brooke is the new queen of Vote for the Worst, so I'm predicting Syesha by the process of elimination. Is it weird that I kind of miss Kristy Lee Cook?

Here's Brooke messing up if you missed it:

Results, Etc: Hot Chicks, Bad Accesorizing, and the Problem With Syesha

We learned some very important lessons tonight.

The first is, if you're a hot chick and you're lacking in the talent department, you'll be safe on American Idol for longer than you deserve. Don't worry, though, hot chicks with mediocre talent don't win.

The second is, if you're a talented singer who doesn't connect with your audience on an emotional level at all, it doesn't matter how many notes you can hit: your days are numbered.

And the third lesson, which is the most important, and Randy Jackson, please take note -- if you're wearing a sweater with a busy neckline, not only is a necklace unnecessary, it's offensive.

So, apparently there are some people who deemed it necessary to call and write begging for more Lennon/McCartney. Because of this, we're going to be subjected to it again next week. Who are these people? Show yourselves! I bet they're the same people who sent in the retarded questions for the new call-in section. Oh, and I'm brainstorming a question that will actually get me on the air, FYI.

Celebs in attendance: Jim Carrey, Sanjaya and Shymali Malakar, and Katharine McPhee with a boring performance. She looked great, though. And I think she winked at her creepy old husband during it. I bet she has daddy issues.

We also had our first Ford commercial tonight, an election parody set to the tune of Cake's "Going the Distance." I thought it was cute. I especially liked the behind-the-podium shots.

29 million votes, people, and at least six million and twelve of them were me voting for Jason Castro. Can you beat that, Melissa? It's on. Start working that dial finger.

Idol Recap: The Lennon-McCartney Songbook

Ahh, American Idol: putting stink on Rock & Roll classics for 7 seasons now.

Syesha Mercado – She put a safe, early 80’s Earth, Wind & Fire spin on “Got to get you into my life”, even if it wasn’t her best vocal performance. I thought it lacked a little bit of sparkle, but she stayed true to the EW&F cover and ended up having fun with it. I have to agree with Simon, it was better than alright, and it was definitely better than last week’s performance.

Chikeze Eze – “She’s a woman”. Chikeze, honey, you knocked it out of the fucking park. You found your shining moment, and this was as close to PERFECT as it’s gonna get. Awesome job. I have nothing snarky to say… I guess it happens sometimes. I’m not in love with Chikeze but I’m warming to him thanks to this performance.

Ramiele Mulubay – “In my life” I have to agree with Jess that it started out seeming interesting then turned into a predictable, monumental bore. In fact I think her predictability is what will ultimately keep her from ever becoming the American Idol. But I do love me some sushi.

Jason Castro – “If I fell in love with you” – Randy didn’t love it. I did. I still say I’ll take on any bitch who tries to get in between me and the lovely, beautiful Jason Castro and his delicious dreds. When Simon called Jason’s performance “student in a bedroom at midnight”, I got all hot and bothered thinking about him in my bedroom at midnight… God. Is it hot in here, or is it just me? Verdict: he’s staying. And he’s in love with me, bitches.

Note: During Jason Castro’s (a.k.a. the future Mr. Melissa McGee) performance, I received the following email from my friend Sara in Brooklyn: “Seriously, I want to put Jason Castro on bread and eat him like a sandwich.”

Sara, we’ve known each other for about 25 years. We’ve been through it all together, and you know I’d lay down my life for you. But I’ll fight you for him. Don’t make me make you my bitch, Sara. I’ll do it. I’m out of control. You can’t stop me.

Carly Smithson – “Come together”. Carly rocked the shit out of this song. Best performance of the night. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I’m awfully generous tonight. Do I have a secret reason that I’m in such a good mood? Maybe I do, and maybe I DO. Seriously, Carly made this song her very own and even managed to win Simon over with her song choice for the first time. My only complaint: I am begging the stylists of the show to NEVER put Carly in an electric blue satin potato sack again. Ever.

David Cook – “Eleanor Rigby” Man oh man, I really want to hate this smarmy camera fucker. His performance tonight didn’t deter that hatred in even the slightest. Can somebody please tell David Cook that he’s not Scott Stapp? All that was missing from his performance was the stop-action “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon” ninja moves from that Creed video. Still, vocally, and it pains me to say this more than you could ever know, it didn’t completely suck. Okay, it didn’t suck at all. He was pretty good. Damn it.

Brook White – “Let it be”. I’ve not been the biggest fan of Brooke White so far, but I think she might have won me over with tonight’s performance. I’m not sure why, but I just… liked it. Technically it wasn’t what I think Idol performances should be, but damn it, she’s got a likeable Carly Simon quality to her when she’s on a piano. She seemed to step into the role of Rock-Ballad star pretty easily. Oh, and shut the fuck up, Randy. I’m sick of your yap.

David Hernandez - “I saw her standing there”. To say I loathed it wouldn’t be strong enough. I seriously wanted to mute the volume. Maybe I’m gearing up to hate Amanda Overmyer’s performance, but I thought it was just… well, not good in any way. Not a good song choice, and although I hate to EVER agree with Randy, I would have to concur that it was “a little overdone”. To say the least.

Amanda Overmyer - “You can’t do that.” Leather Tuscadero once again sounds like she has a ginormous cream cheese bubble in her damn throat and it makes me want to kick her in the neck just to knock it clear. And if she landed on her face that would just be a bonus. Is there a song that Amanda Overmyer doesn’t work the word “child” into? I don’t think so, America. Randy said she took a Beatles classic and rocked it out as if she’d been "in a Southern Bar." Is that supposed to be a compliment? ‘Cause Randy, you fucktard, I LIVE in the south, and playing at a Southern Bar means you HAVE NOT MADE IT. You’re singing to drunken rednecks with Rebel flags in the rear window of their pickup trucks. Rednecks itchy to pick a fight and cut you with a broken beer bottle. VFTW will ensure that bubblethroat remains in the competition for another week, so there’s no point in my rant but one thought does bear repeating: I hate Amanda Overmyer.

Michael Johns – “Across the Universe”. I didn’t think I could like this song any more than I already did, but now I know I can, especially when I imagine Michael Johns singing it to me while wearing nothing but a smile. Erm, I mean… well, yeah, that was totally what I meant. Did anybody else notice the picture of cute little Michael as a kid in Oz wearing a VEGEMITE sweatshirt? How freaking Australian is he? Aaaaannnnd he’s safe.

Kristy Lee Cook - She took a risk with a hillbilly arrangement of “Eight Days a Week”, and boy howdy did it ever NOT work. She was all over the place with the fucked up tempo, and the arrangement was just a big hot mess. This performance was just further proof that Beatles songs should never, and I repeat NEVER be countrified. And also that Kristy Lee Cook is going to be the next Idol wannabe voted off. Paula said she didn’t get it. For once, I don’t think it was because she was high. Simon thought it was horrendous. I have to agree. Also, I was wondering what was making her eyeballs bug out of her head while she was singing. Possibly the thousand points of light caused by that farkatke sequined tanktop that caused seizures all over the country. Bye bye, Sparkle McHillbilly.

David Archuleta – “We can work it out”. I counted twice that he forgot the lyrics, and it destroyed his confidence. His vocal was the weakest its been so far, which is saying something, because he’s been consistently awesome since the auditions. Still I think he’s a safe bet to stick around for a while longer.

Melissa's pick for ousted Idol: Kristy Lee Cook

Top 16 - The Girls

I spent this evening watching American Idol over beers with my good friend Craig. He’s twice as catty as I am. Stick a few beers in him and he’s downright bitchy. Watching American Idol with Craig while we were drunk really seemed to tone down the overall douchy-ness of Ryan Seacrest. Too bad it didn’t take the edge off of Paula. She was in rare train-wreck form on Wednesday night. I didn’t spell-check because I was way too drinky to care. My apologies.

Asia’h Epperson – “I wanna dance with somebody” – started out shaky and awkward. I really wanted to blame it on the fact that she was walking down stairs, but alas, the rest of the song sort of tanked as well. Paula was standing up and dancing like an idiot because, well, she’s high. I was bored to tears and thought she really lacked energy, despite all the jumping around. Randy the namedropping donkey loved it because he worked on the original with Whitney Houston. Simon hit the nail on the head with “Second rate Whitney”.

Me: Way more interested in text messaging with another one of my friends than listening. BORRRRRRRRE-ing.

Kady Malloy – I had no idea what song this even was, because she lost me with the first sour note, which was unfortunately to be followed by a bevy of other horribly rotten, eardrum curdling notes. God almighty, I wanted to mute her. I got back to text messaging as a form of Idol escapism. “Massive lack of personality” is a phrase coined by Simon that I am going to adopt into my personal vocabulary. Especially when referring to Kady Malloy. Turns out it was Queen’s “Who wants to live forever”. I didn’t even recognize it. I do not share the Kady love with Curly McDimple. Curly, she’s all yours, honey.

Amanda Overmyer – this bitch managed to completely ruin a Joan Jett song for me. And I didn’t even like it all that much to begin with, but now it’s become the bane of my existence. I don’t care how much ass Simon kissed, I still hate this woman and can’t wait until she’s no longer sullying my television screen. Sure, it didn't completely suck and this might have been her best performance to date, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while. I don’t like her and you can’t make me. And I’m drunk, so I’ll fight about it if necessary. I’m about to fight Craig just because I can and I'm feelin' frisky.

Carly Smithson – “I drove all night” gave me goose bumps. Her sustain was perfect and – dare I say it? I thought the song was flawless. She is definitely my pick for the winner out of the women. I hated the pants though, Carly. Somewhere, Laura Petrie is asking Rob where her sailor pants went. Beyond that, I thought it was sheer perfection. Simon, I officially break up with you. You never loved me anyway, and I’ve got to move on to someone who loves Carly as much as I do.

Paula: “You’re like a dependable dog.”
Me: “What the fuck?”

Kristy Lee Cook – Sang “Faithfully” by Journey. Didn’t quite hit it and was flat most of the song. My friend Craig and I were chatting during the critique about Paul being as high as bird twat when we noticed Paula and Simon doing something that seemed to be akin to canoodling.

Me: “What the fuck are they doing!?”
Craig: “It’s an intervention.”

Ramiele Maluby – Nailed “Against all odds”, but I actually agreed with Randy (forgive me) that she should find her confidence; it was clear she was lacking confidence and she certainly shouldn’t cause this little chickadee can wail. I don’t think she’ll win it, but I think she’s in it for a while. Overall I thought it was alright, and I think she's a safe bet to stay.

On a completely unrelated note, when you’re as drunk as Craig and I am, listening to Ryan Seacrest announce “Ramiele Mulaby!” sounded remarkably like “Ramalama Mybobo!” I’m just sayin’.

Update: Paula is completely out of control fucked up on God knows what. She rambled and prattled on about dogs and sweaters until I thought I was high. My friend Craig’s impression of Paula:

“I like your sweater. I like the color of your skirt. Your hair is perfect. Oh, and by the way, your song was pretty. Dogs.”

Brook White – made me long for the “Love is a Battlefield” video where Pat Benatar shimmies her 9-year-old-boy rack right at the camera because, well, it was so much more exciting than this. I dozed off during this performance and dreamed of 80’s hookers doing a choreographed dance number while wearing fringe and satin. It was awesome. I knew the judges would love it because I’m not even reading the same book as the judges this season. I was right. Paula went on about dogs again and I went to the fridge for another beer. I’m clearly not drunk enough.

By the time Syesha Mercado started singing, my friend Craig and I were already completely hammered and could no longer even hear the song because we were laughing too hard at her outfit. “She looks like the guy from the Cracker Jack box.” said Craig. I don’t remember much about her performance because I was laughing too hard, but what I can recall wasn’t all that bad. Since it didn't make me all stabby and murderous, I think it must have been a decent performance.

I promise to stay sober for the vote-offs, and there’s a promise you’ll never get from Paula.

Boys - FOUR of the Top 24, and that's all.

So this is going to be relatively short & sweet, and I’m bitchy as hell about it. Somehow, and I think it had to do with the holiday on Monday, I completely spaced that last night was American Idol night and missed the first 20 minutes of the show. “It’s no real loss, Scarlet.” I told myself. Yes, I call myself Scarlet. Let’s move on. I thought it would be no real loss because I could still an hour and 40 minutes of Idol. *Or so I thought.

So I started my night with the skin-crawlingly nauseating vocal stylings of David Cook. Not my favorite way to start any evening.

David Cook – Tag! Was this our first instance of camera fuckery? I believe it might have been! David gives me the monkey nerves with that freakish, creepy, flat-ironed, thin hair that looks like a bad comb-over to cover up his 25 year old male pattern baldness. I almost can’t get past the hair. Or the camera fucking. I didn’t love his rendition of The Turtles’ “Happy Together” as much as the judges did; I didn’t love it at all, actually. I thought it was screamy and yelly and really, really pitchy. He was trying to reach specific notes while shrieking but was unable to attain said specific notes, so settled for lesser, crappier notes in the completely wrong key. And the camera fucking? Dios mio! It was enough to induce a violent attack of OCD, causing me to check and recheck the locks on all of my doors. Shades of "If she were Columbo, I'd Peter Falk her." Seriously.

Jason Yeager – I didn’t realize this guy was from Grand Prairie, which borders my hometown of Irving, Texas. Or that he has one of those weird Sixth Sense locks of gray hair, which is proof positive that he sees dead people. I’m all about the dudes’ hair tonight and how stabby it makes me. I thought his performance of “Moon River” was completely and utterly snooze worthy. Monumental bore and maddeningly Andy Williams-esque. He sang it like a member of a frat boy’s chorus, for the love of God. Should have been wearing a letter sweater. Simon pegged it with “cruise ship”. Simon – call me.

Robbie Carrico – I haven’t been very impressed by Robbie Carrico so far, and his performance tonight definitely was not the performance that changed my mind. He reminds me of any drunk guy in any karaoke bar in any city. You know the guy: he gets tanked on Old Milwaukee and sings “Freebird” because he’s just drunk enough to believe he should be in a band. I don’t like the tone of his voice and he doesn’t seem to have much control over it. Sang “One” by Three Dog Night. Randy liked it, which cements my theory that Randy is indeed retarded and in need of supervision. Clearly he can’t make responsible decisions left on his own.

David Archuleta – OMGWTFBBQ? What happened, sweet little David? He definitely needs to sing in a higher register than his version of “Shop Around” required. The judges were sloppin’ sugar all over him up in that bitch though; Simon labeled it as the best performance of the evening so far. Was I the only one who heard him going through puberty? You could actually hear his sack drop. He’s cute as a bug though, so I can’t help but like him, and he seems so genuinely overwhelmed and excited by the whole thing. It’s sort of sweet. God, what’s wrong with me?!

And that’s when the picture went out. I could hear Danny Noriega trying unsuccessfully to sound butch while murdering "Jailhouse Rock", but I couldn’t see him. Nor could I see Paula when she prattled on and on about colors and bunnies. The drugs must have kicked in. Maybe it's best that all of my senses weren't lambasted by Paula...

*And that’s when the CABLE went out and since I’m “bundled”, the internets went as well. Bye-bye. Later. See ya, maybe. Which is awesome. My cable company is the devil. The cable and internet came back on sometime over night I guess, because it was back on at 6am this morning when it woke me up. Thanks, huge billion dollar cable corporation for not only wrecking my viewing pleasure, but for waking me up too, fuckers.

Recap: We've Finally Gone to Hollywood

I was going to post this last night, but I got rather zealous in my note-taking, and when it was all over, my four pages of typed notes were too daunting to organize. I'm not going to focus on everyone; just who I thought was interesting in either a good or bad way, or who we're going to be seeing a lot of, for better or for worse. I'm also going to agree and disagree with some of Melissa's assessments. Here we go!

If there's one thing we can all take away from Hollywood Week, it's that just because you can play an instrument, doesn't mean you should. Also, Bryan Adams is universally loved among Idol wannabees, and universally reviled by me.

I'd like to echo Melissa's statement about the lie that is being shoved down our throats this season; that this is the BEST TALENT POOL IN IDOL HISTORY. No it isn't, Ryan Seacrest. Shut up. And put a tie on; you look like you just woke up at a stranger's house after a coke bender.

DAY 1

Brooke White: Unlike Melissa, I kind of like The Alleged Mormon. I dig her voice and sunshiny energy. Mormons seem like a happy people.

Leo Marlowe: You know this guy isn't going to get through as long as Danny Noriega is still in the running. There's no way we're going to have two obviously gay Idol hopefuls. One of each stereotype, please.

Jack Mellema: A perfect example of someone who should not play an instrument while singing. Drums, really? It's kind of hard to sell yourself as a charismatic front man while sitting behind a drum kit. He came across like a singer in a depressing bar catering to unhappy middle-aged married people looking to escape the doldrums of their unfulfilled lives with booze and flirting.

David Hernandez: Really good, though I fear we've found this season's Elliott Yamin -- a gifted singer who will be overshadowed by pretty boys and big personalities.

Amanda Overmyer, AKA The Rock 'n' Roll nurse. I'm with Melissa on this one. Also, I think the black part of her hair is a wig.

Ghaleb Emachah: Is he Britney's paparazzi boyfriend? I think he is. The ladies love him. Why, exactly? White suit jacket, people. Only Don Johnson can pull that off, when it's 1982.

DAY 2

Josiah Leming: I'll be referring to him as Cult Kid, but will still type out his first and last name for the Google traffic. I hate this kid. Like, a lot. I'm glad the homeless have access to keyboards with which to DEFILE MIKA, my boyfriend. He kind of reminds me of Leo DiCaprio as the homeless kid on Growing Pains, without the actual homeless, cute or likeable parts.

Danny Noriega: Kicks ass. I want him to be my gay boyfriend.

Ramiele Malubay: I love her! That little wisp of a girl is adorable, and sings her heart out.

Carly Smithson: Love her. I ant to go get tattoos with her. I, too, noticed the blue tongue, but I thought it was more on the black side, which I thought may have been due to an overdose of Pepto for the nerves. I'm a frequent Pepto abuser, you see, so I know all about that. Maybe it was a blue lozenge, though.

Michael Johns: I want him to eat chocolate off of my stomach.

Now onto the Bryan Adams portion of the evening. David Cook, aka, Daughtry 2.0. He's okay. Robbie Carrico, aka Britney Fucker, sounded pretty good. Jessica Brown, Perrie Cataldo, Syesha Mercado. I'm officially sick of Bryan Adams.

Colton Berry: Not much to say about the singing, but his name makes him sound like a Gossip Girl character.

Kyle Ensley: Reminds me of Dasit from The White Rapper Show, but not as good. Jesus Christ, I watch a lot of reality television.

DAY 3

Suzanne Toon, the single mother who looks like the chick from Lost and Roswell, is out. Pierre Cataldo, the single dad with the cute kid, is also out. Amy Flynn, aka Abstinance Chick or Sparkles, which is my preference, is out, and thank God, because that chick annoys the shit out of me. Later, shrieky. Jeffrey Lampkin and his 300 pounds of jolly are through. Kristy Lee Cook is also through, even though she can only sing one song. Angela Martin, she with the saddest story about the dead dad, is going home, which makes me sad because I really liked her.

DAY 4

David Archuleta: Dug him. This season's whiz kid, I'm guessing.

Kyle Ensley: This season's Kevin Covais, if the judges keep him.

Jeffrey Lampkin: Out.

Joey Catalano: Listening to him made my teeth feel filmy like spinach.

Syesha Mercado: Great legs. Kicked ass. She's through.

Michael Johns: Sang "Bohemian Rhapsody." He rocked it. Not as hard as Suzie McNeil on Rockstar: INXS (Watch it. NOW.), but it's hard to top that. Chocolate. My stomach. Go.

Carly Smithson: Alone. Rocked it.

Asia'H Epperson: Kicked ass. Hard to pull off white pants, but she did.

Brooke Helvie: Her Elle Woods-esque novelty wore off for me. Later, queenie.

Josiah Lemini, aka Cult Kid: Randy and me hated it. Paula and me hated it. Simon called him annoying. I agree. Three yeses anyway. I hated this stupid show sometimes.

Let's see how the Top 24 spoilers we posted are holding up, shall we?

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

I notice there's no Cult Kid on that list, which would make me really, really happy. Fingers crossed that the fucker goes home, er, I mean, to his car.

Hollywood Week Tuesday Recap

It’s here, kiddos. Hollywood week. Where dreams are made and murdered in a matter of minutes. We get to witness as “You’re going to Hollywood!” turns into “You’re going back home because we don’t exercise good judgment and we somehow overlooked the fact that you suck ass.” in the blink of an eye.

Kicking off Hollywood week:

Brook White – Horrific, if I’m being honest, while singing Carole King’s “Beautiful” and playing the keyboard. I have no idea what the hell the judges were listening to when they told her she was fan-fucking-tastic. Maybe they were listening to Carole King sing it herself on their iPods. That’s all I can figure. I’m definitely not on the same page as the judges yet this season... which is no big surprise. I rarely am.

More bad singing ensued. Nothing memorable, and from no one we’ll ever hear sing again.

Alisha Dixon – What the hell?

Alyssa Coco – got about 3 notes out of her yap before Simon shut her up. Thank you, Simon. Have I told you lately that I love you?

Shaun Burrows – Lame. I can’t take any more of this shit where the contestants are playing instruments. I hope this is a one-time deal, and it doesn’t carry over into the future seasons. It sucks. It sucks ASS. And it’s not helping any of the contestants so far. Quite the contrary.

I refuse to comment on every single person singing while they’re playing drums badly, guitar badly, keyboards badly.

Thank you David Hernandez for NOT playing a fucking instrument. Sang a soulful-cum-jazzy version of CSNY’s “Love the one you’re with” and honestly, it was pretty damn badass. I didn’t like all the note-runs and twists and turns, but he’s definitely got some bangin’ vocal power. You GO, David Hernandez.

Amanda Overmyer – “The Rock & Roll nurse”, which I’m sure we’re going to get to hear for the entire season. I’m sick of her stupid dye job. Is it just me or does she sound a bit like she’s had too much dairy and has some sort of cream cheese bubble in her throat? I am no longer enamored of her. STOP REFERRING TO THIS BITCH AS JANIS-LIKE. Monotony? Yes. A whole heapin’, steamin’ pile of it.

Buck Smith – Bo Bice called, he wants his look back. And he told me to tell you “My hair is BROWN, bitch!”

Ghaleb Emachec - One word: smarmy. Another word: craptastic.

Day Two in Hollywood started off with Ryan lying his ass off by saying “this year the talent is better than ever.”

Josiah-living-in-his-car-Leming – again with the stupid fake British accent coming out of his hillbilly mouth. Sounds like he’s listened to way too much Keane. Simon is going to remember this audition out of all the auditions, he said. Randy pledged his undying love to Josiah. Paula slipped her room key to him.

Carly Smithson – The only thing I was able to focus on was her bright blue tongue. Why the blue tongue, Carly? Somewhere, a smurf is blissfully smoking a cigarette.

David Cook – Almost couldn’t get past his 1995 Christy Turlington hair style. Also had a blue tongue… which makes me wonder if they’re passing around blue lozenges back stage or if I should just strike while the iron is hot and start the rumors about David and Carly myself.

The last contestant of Day 2 – Kyle Ensley, the curly-mopped governor-wannabe from Oklahoma who likes deer jerky. Murdered – no, slaughtered “Love grows where my Rosemary goes.” “A little corny” Paula said, because she clearly has no idea what corn even is.

Perrie Cataldo – Got his last chance on Day 3, and his singing wasn’t nearly as bad as many of the warbling no-talent yahoos that made it through. He got his walkin’ papers.

I’m officilally drunk now.

Amy Flynn – I beseech you Randy, Simon & Paula: PLEASE send this annoying little virgin home. Aaaaaaaand thank you.

Angela Martin – should just get signed by a label already. She’s better than having to compete with Jeffrey Lampkin for a title like “Idol”. She’s just fantastic and – I’m not being snarky at all right now for some reason – she really deserves a contract.

Syesha - is my current bet for the winner. She just looks like a star, and God Almighty, she did the Queen of Soul proud with her raspy, sexy turn at “Chain of Fools”. Sing it, sister.

Michael Johns – Didn’t think it was the best audition of the day, as Simon did, but I did think performed well if not a little bland for my taste. He was hoarse enough to have to strain to reach a few notes but wise enough to pull back a little where it was necessary and managed to play it off very nicely .I’m so sad that I saw that wedding band on his left hand. Damn. Cause I was so gonna marry that guy.


Carly Smithson – Rocked the Hell out of pretty bad Heart song. I really didn’t want to like her, but damn it, she made me like her with this last performance.

Brooke Helvie – I really didn’t want to like her, and I succeeded wildly. The begging and pleading were unbearable. Her tearful, dramatic commentary “I just wish I was given a fair chance, like everyone else.” has to be the most ridiculous, narcissistic statement I’ve heard like, ever. She got more chances than most people in the world will ever have, and way, WAY more than she deserved. GO HOME, Prissy.

HATEFUL RANT WARNING: Sick and fucking tired of Josiah. This little turd isn’t “comfortable” with the band. God. How do you go on? He’s a monumental drama queen and a smarmy little prima donna. Shut up. Go sleep in your car, fucktard. The grandstanding to dismiss the band was nauseating, as was his fucked up Radiohead-meets-a-British-palsy-sufferer rendition of “Stand by Me” which sucked so bad I got a hickey. Simon nailed him to a wall with the “over-confidence” remark and made him cry like the little bitch that he is, and the sad-puppy camera fucking was enough to make me drink until I black out. I officially hate his drama queen guts. I am not looking forward to having to watch him in the episodes to come. I feel a hateful curse comin’ on.

Tomorrow, the revealing of the Top 24; we get to watch as more bleary-eyed, teary-eyed wannabes and also-rans get sent packing with their tails between their legs, and we get to meet the 24 contestants we’ll be watching get hacked to pieces for the rest of the season!

Woo! Bring it!

Forever Our Girl

So did y'all see Paula Abdul perform at the Suberbowl pre-game show yesterday? If not, have I got a treat for you. It's like 1989 up in here! And Randy Jackson is playing guitar! Hey, did you know Randy was in Journey? I don't think he's ever mentioned that!

Britney, if Paula can pull this off, you can, too. Remember that.



And here's the always adorable Jordin Sparks rocking the national anthem pretty hard:

Melissa’s Wednesday Idol Recap - Charleston S.C.

I’ve managed to finish off last night’s brownies and I’m waiting with baited breath for the Idol auditions in Charleston, South Carolina to start. You could cut the tension with a knife! Well, not really. But I’ve been drinking. On with the “to the minute” recap.

7:02 - Oliver Hymen: Really? That’s really his name? His dad’s name is Buster.

7:03 – Raysharde. His awesome ‘fro was the best thing about him. Also, the first suggestion for “Raysharde” from my spell check was “Retarded”, which is even more awesome than his rockin’ ‘fro.

7:04 - DeAnna Prevatte: Frustrated waitress & potty mouth. I have no room to talk, but I’m not on national television trying to impress Simon Cowell. Sang Reba’s “Fancy” and it scared me so much a little pee came out. But again, I’ve been drinking.

7:12 - Crystal and Randy, the self-proclaimed Guru: What the shit? Besides the bizarre, horrific assault on the senses that was their dual audition, all their grody canoodling and public tongue hockey made me want to chunder. NEXT.

7:14 – The Lampkins, or “Crazy Tie Head” and his sister Michelle. Somehow, against everything that is good and right, they each got their golden tickets to Hollywood. Michelle’s ticket was tentative, contingent on her brother making her learn how to have talent. Does anyone else besides me smell a Malakar disaster with the Lampkins? Cause it reeks.

7:27 – “Amy Catherine. AC. Whatevs.” I didn’t catch her last name because I was trying to count the number of times she said the word “like” in her aimless rant on abstinence. I recently debuted a fart that had more musical talent than her. I’m writing this before I’ve heard the judges’ verdict and if they pass her on to Hollywood I’m going to punch myself in the head repeatedly.

7:30 – Commenced with the head punching during the commercial break, but not before the teaser about the contestant named Aretha, and her ginormous titties that ate Charleston.

7:34 – the third “Oliver Hymen” reference. It cracks me up every time.

SNARKY RANT ALERT ** SNARKY RANT ALERT **

7:34 – London Weidberg: Pretty and skinny and Simon loved her from the moment she walked in the door. Sang well, but was annoyingly breathy and dramatic. Then Simon said exactly what I was thinking while I was listening to her: “There are thousands of girls like you all over the country.” Every time I hear a vaguely reasonable female audition I think precisely the same thing. It was pretty good, but there was nothing unique about it whatsoever. Where the hell are the unique female vocalists? We need some rocker chicks, damn it! A chick with some balls. I don’t remember any from the previous auditions this season, and although “rocker chicks” have been the complete and total suck in seasons past, I still think we need one or two. I’m sick to death of female vocalists (and I use the term “vocalists” loosely) who pattern their vocal style after Mariah Carey (gag) or Christina Aguilera (vom). Doesn’t anybody get turned on by Chrissie Hynde anymore?

7:43 – Lindsey Goodman: The Air Force C-17 Pilot and cute as a doodlebug. Sang “Black Velvet”, always an audition killer in my opinion. She was stiff and wooden in her audition, but I think the real reason they didn’t send her to Hollywood is because Randy and Simon were overcome with intimidation and C-17 envy.

7:46 – Aretha Codner: Holy Mammary Glands, Batman! I thought she sang a hell of a lot better than Simon thought she did; told her she sounded terrible and said she “murdered the song”. And of course his sheep, Randy & Paula followed suit. Baaaaaaa. Sure, she changed pitch once or twice, but she actually sounds like she has a trainable voice and I think they’re all passing on her for the wrong reasons. Must have been distracted by her HUGE TITTIES. If it makes you feel any better Aretha, I thought you sounded pretty good. And that you should wear a support bra.

7:50 - Joshua Boson: I can’t even comment about his voice because it was such a bad caricature. But I WILL comment on the fact that he said “This show is fake and rigged!” and it pushed Simon’s fake-and-rigged button. Well Joshua, maybe it is fake and rigged, but you’re still a no-singin’ tool. That part is real.

7:57 – anonymous blond chapeau’d idiot: “Randy called me a Disney character.” Careful there, I almost spilled my drink.

7:58 – Oliver Highman: Well, now that I know how it’s spelled, it’s not nearly as funny. Wait – yes it is. I’ve been drinking. Just say it. Say it out loud. His audition sounded like the understudy for an opera Diva wrecking an aria. But his name makes me giggle like a little girl.

Next week – Omaha Nebraska. Where, from what I can tell from the previews, the people there are genuinely frightening and I’m gonna need a whole lot more alcohol.

Terror in the Heartland - Idol in San Diego

Melissa’s notes from the San Diego Auditions 1-22-08

All times CST ‘cause I’m in the great state of Texas.

7:01 – Pan of brownies goes into the oven. This time, I’m prioritizing.

7:04 – Right out of the chute, Ryan starts in with the “amazing stories” tear-jerking bullshit. Just get on with the fecking auditions before I start beating myself in the head with a tack hammer.

7:11 – Michael Johns – from Australia. I want to marry this man. Or sluttier, not marry him and just commit all kinds of hot, dirty sins with him. While we’re not married, cause that is so much hotter. The best audition I’ve seen so far. A genuinely great vocal audition. “You’re like a white soul singer.” said Simon. I can’t believe Paula didn’t get stuck to her chair. Man, he’s pretty. Melissa likey.

Uh oh, I’m stuck to my chair.

7:13 - Tehilla Lauder: I swear to God, her singing sounded like the shrieking you hear over loudspeakers before prayers five times a day in Iran. She was awesome. And by awesome, I totally mean sucktastic.

7:15 – Valerie Reyes: Her voice dropped - during her audition. She is, in actuality, an 11 year old boy whose nuts have just dropped. America, you just witnessed a young boy becoming a man. While wearing a smart frock. L’Chiam!

7:21 – Marcel Marceau and the Frito Bandito. If it weren’t for no-talent assholes, we’d never see anything this ridiculously funny.

7:22 – Monique Gibson: Just rolled out the rack and schlepped to the auditions because she had nothing better to do on that day. Please just shut the hell up. 22 minutes into tonight’s broadcast, I am officially sick to effing death of the American Idol auditions. For real.

7:24 – Monique’s friend (see 7:22) Christopher Baker: sucked ass just slightly less than she did. Sweet Sassy Molassy. Please, for the love of crap, shut up.

7:28 – Amanda Musa: Pretty good audition, and one of my favorite songs, Aretha Franklin’s “Till you come back to me”. She set the bar pretty high but did pretty well. As far as Idol goes, she’s alright. Could have done without the Virginia ham who said she was her sister. And that farkatke green dress. Oy.

7:31 – My brownies are ready. I can’t wait for the freak show with the man titties and ghetto manicure!

7:35 – Blake Boshnack: Chin up, Blake. 12th time’s a charm.

7:38 - Sarah Long: My brains just liquefied and ran out my ear holes.

7:39 – Alberto Hertado : Man titties and ghetto manicure. “Sometimes I just get so lost in my imaginations that I kind of live there. Maybe too much.” America agrees with you. Sang the worst-ever autobiographical song after preening for 20 seconds. Then, in a dramatic turn of events after he was booted out of the room, he collapsed into a big girly ball of mush and fan danced his way out of the competition. So I ate another brownie. He should cut those fingernails and give them to Brandon Green.

7:39 – 7:52 : nothing remarkable happened during this time. I finished off another brownie and longed to be watching something else. Saved by the Bell. Cops. The Graphic Spleen Removal Network. Anything.

7:55 – Carly Smithson: Auditioned in Season 5 but was disqualified before making it to Hollywood. Got her second chance, and a warm embrace from her husband, Jojo the tattooed sideshow freak from the circus. Less is more. That shit doesn’t wash off.

Aaaaaaaaaand, scene.

Tomorrow night, it’s South Carolina where, according to Simon, “they like being told they’re not very good.”

Screw brownies. Tomorrow night, I’m polishing off a whole bottle of Bailey’s.

PS - Jess - we on for that fight over Michael Johns? I gotta warn you - I ate Wheaties this morning.

Premier Night notes after busting the Internets

I tried the whole “simultaneous live blogging” thing with the ladies in NYC, but somehow, I kept breaking the internets. So I jotted notes the whole time instead. Here’s my take on the American Idol Season 7 Premier:

8:33 – I want to hug Temptress, but I’m afraid she’ll snap me like a dry twig.

8:39 - Mark Hayes. White Christmas? Really? Somewhere, Bing Crosby just crapped his skeleton panties.

8:50 - Alexis Cohen and her Rainbow Brite mysteriously color changing lipstick. Her plan was to knock the judges “on” their feet. And that she did. Performed “Don’t you want somebody to love” and apparently patterned her performance after Jim Carey in “The Cable Guy”. Clearly, she gets her classy attitude from her mother. And Simon is a big, fat bad word.

*We’re on “Day 2” now, and apparently it’s all about being a screeching harpy.

8:17 - Milo Turk. “sex is weak”. I don’t doubt that, Milo. But I think Paula wanted to hear the 3rd verse.

9:20 - Kristy Lee Cook - All-American. America’s next Sweetheart. The girl next door. Likes horses and kicking burly men in the pills. I really want to hate her guts because she’s so damn cute and perky and talented. So, I think I will.

9:28 – Benjamin Haar – CAN’T. LOOK. AWAY. HAIRY, BIKINI-CLAD FAT GUY. MY RODS AND CONES ARE ALL WHACKED OUT. MUST GO POKE OUT MY MIND’S EYE.

9:28 - Pedro Rivera. What?

9:30 - Paul Marterano – Creepy McCreeperson with the creepy stalker song. Somebody call the police. Seriously. Randy was enjoying it too much. SECURITY!
PS – was it wrong that I derived some enjoyment from watching this guy?

9:32 - Beth Stalker – her real name, just irony that she followed an actual stalker. I gotta go with Simon on this one. Way too stylized vocally. I don’t think she’d be any good during BeeGees week.

9:39 – Benjamin Haar is back in his bikini, completely waxed. He had all of his Haar removed but – woops! He didn’t do anything about his massive crack hanging out. But of course, I didn't see it because I'd already gauged out both of my eyeballs.

9:14 – Chris Watson – Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Sounds pretty good, too. I’d buy his albums, even though auditioned with an Uncle Kracker song. As Jess & I discussed, we wouldn’t have any aversions to, say, eating fruit off of him if somebody made us do something like that. He’s got my vote for his season’s Justin Guarini, but with less clowny hair.

9:50 - Christina Tellisano – better known as Princess Leia. “Men love me.” C3PO dance moves during audition made me drool, and not in a good way. Best part of her audition: when her Princess Leia Cinnabon-hair fell off after she got the boot. Best quote from Christina Tellisano, who was dressed as Princess Leia, when talking about all of the contestants that went through to Hollywood after she was passed up: “they’re all an imitation of something else!”
Did I mention she was DRESSED AS PRINCESS LEIA?

9:53 - Brooke White – nauseating back story including nauseating video footage. Made me want to vom. Has never seen a rated “R” movie. Look at me, I’m Sandra Effing Dee. I’m nowhere near as impressed with her vocal talents as, say, Randy was. Then again, I don’t want to get in her pants like Randy does.

So far, it’s looking like a snooze fest for Season 7 of American Idol.

Tomorrow night’s audition show was filmed in my hometown of Dallas, Texas! Judging by the previews of tomorrow night’s show, this’ll be the last time I ever claim to be from Dallas in a public forum.

One final thought: did anybody besides me notice Randy's huge, right-angle mutton chop sideburns?

Premiere Night Liveblogging

7:46: Salsa and chips in bowl. Drinks poured. Mejack and Jess in attendance, waiting.

7:48: Curly buzzed in.

7:59: Pizza ordered.

8:01: Mejack: I read in the Post that it's even meaner this year. Curly: What? Meaner than making fun of retarded people?

8:02: We're in Philly!

8:05: Joey Catalano. Like Jordan Catalano. But not really. Underwhelming.

8:13: The room collectively calls bullshit on Yuka, the wannabe Borat who claims to be from Egypt.

8:20: Tour guide James Lewis. Deaf Lurch. Also, why is Paula Abdul wearing a white bra under a sheer black shirt?

8:28: Mejack on Jonathan Baines: Oh, look! It's Timothy McVeigh!

8:30: Jess: I want to see Temptress Brown tackle Ryan Seacrest. Mejack: Ryan still plays for pee-wee.

8:33: Okay, seriously? (This is Jess) Why do they give us a backstory just to have the person suck? Poor Temptress Brown. It's so mean! Meaner than Simon, even.

8:50: Curly on Udi: Oh please, don't let him be from New Jersey.

8:52: Collective laughs over the awesome blond girl screaming, "I Love Rock 'n' Roll"

9:00: Alexis Cohen. Mejack: This is making my tooth hurt. (Also, she woke up the cat.)

9:01: Randy Jackson says 'Peace, Love and Chicken Grease.' No comment necessary.

9:03: Mejack: "Wiggle Ammonia?" What does that mean? I (Jess) immediately started laughing, and then crying, and then hyperventilating. Curly: She said "legally moon you."

9:13: Mr. Mejack arrives. Eats pizza.

9:16: Curly, on Christina Tolisano, the wackjob with the Princess Leia hair: She looks like the chick from Dodgeball.



9:26: Jess: I LOVE Paula's eye makeup. Any makeup artists out there that could help me with that?

9:39: An IM conversation with Melissa regarding Paul Marturano, the stalker:

Melissa: Holy shit that guy made me shit on myself.

Jess: Which one? Oh, we're behind. We paused the DVR.

Melissa: Oh. Sorry - you'll see him. He's the dude that sings TO PAULA. Uber creepy. Creepy McCreeperson.

Jess: With the cape?

Melissa: No - shortly after him. Seriously - like somebody should have called security...

Jess: OHMYGOD

Melissa: Yeah. Him. Seriously.

Jess: Peterfalkher!

Melissa: THAT WAS THE BEST PART

9:51: Chris Watson, the hot black guy with the dreads? OMG. I want to eat fresh fruit off of his chest. Or at least, I did, until I came to the unfortunate conclusion that he's going to be this season's camera fucker. (This is Jess, BTW)

Parting thoughts:

Mejack: None

Curly: Bring back the retards.

Jess: DUH.

In hindsight, we don't love liveblogging. So we're not gonna do it anymore, or at least not until we forget how much we didn't like it in the first place.

Monday News Update

That Was Pitchy for Me, Dawg
Are you like me? Do you often find yourself exclaiming, "Whatcoo tawkin' bout, Randy Jackson?" when the vocab-challenged judge launches into one of his rambling critiques that goes on forever even though it's comprised of only about three different words shuffled around and repeated ad nauseum? Yeah, I thought so. But believe it or not, one of his favored phrases -- pitchy -- is actually a valid statement! This is about as disturbing as Paula's recent spell of lucidity. (People)

Haley Scarnato Is -- Ew -- Wearing Katharine McPhee's Old Extensions
As a kid who grew up wearing my older sisters' hand-me-downs, I'm really in no position to criticize when someone else gets extra mileage out of, say, a pair of culottes, but -- and I never thought I'd have to say this -- I have to draw the line at used hair. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell Is a Sunday Driver
While Simon may boast of cutting verbal slaps and an unparalleled collection of V-necks, he ain't all that impressive on the race track, according to Mario Andretti and a couple of other racing dudes I don't know and can't be bothered to look up. (People)

LaKisha Tops the Power List
Entertainment Weekly thinks LaKisha's poised to win the competition. Never let it be said they're not a bunch of risk takers, those folks at EW.

Jennifer Hudson Sets the Records Straight
Hudson took to MySpace to dispel rumors that she's become a big ol' diva in the wake of her Oscar win. Fair enough. However, in doing so, she inadvertently revealed her true and irrefutable shortcomings: poor punctuation and an appalling lack of subject/verb agreement. Isn't she from Chicago, the very city with a whole Manual of Style named after it?! Someone check that bitch's birth certificate. (The Post Chronicle)

Idols Saturate the Airwaves
Today's New York Daily News ranks former Idol contestants according to the number of times their songs have been played on the radio. Kelly Clarkson naturally tops the list while Chris Daughtry comes in at number 8. What's notable about the latter's ranking, you ask? Uh, Josh Gracin is #3! Just to break it down for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake, Forgettable Season 2 reject, Joshua Gracin, gets more airtime than the high and mighty Chris Daughtry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to point and laugh at him. Care to join me?

Your Monday Newsbrief

Think American Idol is growing old and a bit stale? Oh yeah, fussy pants?!? Well what, pray tell, would YOU do to improve it? No really, I'm not picking a fight with y'all. MTV wants to know. In fact, they asked a variety of types including Taylor "The Tard" Hicks, Randy Jackson and some radio personalities I never heard of that very question. Do people even listen to regular radio anymore? Beyond Howard Stern and I guess Casey Kasem, I have no retention of radio dee-jays or their names. I mean, why would I?

But that's neither here nor there. If you have an opinion, and I know you do, head on over to MTV and leave suggestions. Or you can comment here while staying within the safe and comfy confines of your favorite bitchy blog. Mind you, we can't and won't pass them along to the powers-that-be at MTV but that still shouldn't stop you from flexing your free speech muscles here.

How would I improve the show, you ask? Well, for one, I'd condense the best and the worst of the auditions into four episodes (aired over two weeks) and then bring that shit to Hollywood tout de suite. Oh, and the production assistants should be tasked with making sure there's always some sort of mind-altering substance in Paula Abdul's Coke cup. At all times. Because it's just funnier when she's shit-faced. Thoughts? (MTV.com)

Despite her obvious fondness for the drink, some people do in fact think Paula is worthy of praise. The lush even managed to snag herself one of them there Women of the Year Awards. The honor was bestowed by the Nevada Ballet Theatre, not Apple Boones as I originally assumed. They're holding out to honor her with the Lifetime Achievement Award, methinks. (National Ledger)

People.com asked a rather random roster of celebrities which song they would sing if they were an American Idol contestant. Andy Roddick, that cute tennis player, mentions Menudo and Bananarama and honestly, I can't quite say for sure if he's being facetious or not. I hope so. Nelly Furtado, who is equally easy on the eyes, responded: "I would sing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' just to be different." Not sure if she's never watched the show or if that was a sly dig at Katharine McPhee. Frankly, I don't think Nelly's all that smart. Neither is Kat though. Whatever, I'd still bang both of them. And no, Andy Roddick, you cannot watch. (People.com)

Mark your calendars, Elliott Yamin fans. March 20 is a big day. Why, you ask? Well, it just so happens to be the anniversary of the publication of Albert Einstein's theory of relativity. What does that have to do with Elliott?! No fucking clue! I'm just trying to fill space. Actually though, that theory may have in some way, shape or form paved the way for the orthodontics that helped fix Elliott's busted grill. You never know!

Ow, all this talk of scientific theory is making my head hurt. Enough of this smart shit. March 20 is the day Yamin's debut album hits stores. If you can't wait that long, Elliott's first single titled "Movin' On" will be available for illegal downlo... er, I mean, purchase on iTunes and other digital music providers on February 13. (AmericanIdol.com)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Better Late Than Never Newsbrief

As if I needed an excuse to be even crankier on this blog (and in real life, if I'm being honest), I've been engaged in a frustrating battle with my Internet connection for the past several hours and I.am.not.happy.about.it. The error pages and slow page loads have left me feeling extra salty. But it's your lucky day because I'm funneling my inner bitch into today's daily news digest. So, buckle up, bitches.

"We're no crueler this year," claim the Idol judges and producers in response to criticism that they've been too aggressive in the new asshole-tearing they've been doing this season. In other words, they've always been skewering Special Olympians from day one. Oh, I see. It's just that us assmunches didn't notice until now. Gotcha. (People.com; Reality Blurred)

If you're feeling a tad nosy, fire up your iTunes and check out the playlists of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Chris Daughtry, Kellie Pickler, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood, Bo Bice and even Randy Jackson.

Surprisingly, no Journey was included in the latter's list. You tricked me, dawg! I was totally expecting some "Wheel in the Sky." Actually, no... that's not true. How silly of me. Randy didn't play bass on that track so why would he include it? I guess I meant to say that I was totally expecting some latter-day Journey that Randy played bass on. Um, I'd cite specific song titles and albums but really, do you even care? I sure as hell don't.

Once again Pickler proves that she's a dumb ass of monumental proportions. See, she first earned this distinction with her (albeit short-lived) dalliance with Constantine "My Chin Looks Just Like My Ass" Maroulis. She's now firmly cemented on my shit list thanks to the inclusion of one of her own tracks in her iTunes playlist.

So, to put this in perspective, no one else in that self-absorbed roster committed this crime. Just Kellie.

In case you're a little slow on the uptake, what I'm trying to say is that Pickler managed to make Randy "When I'm in the Studio with Mariah" Jackson look the model of humble restraint. Someone give me a billy-club, a darkened alley and five minutes alone with Pickler. Please? (iTunes Store; software download required for you Amish readers who don't have iTunes installed already.)

Citizens of Texas, you can go ahead and get your knickers out of that a knot they're in. Contrary to popular belief, Carrie Underwood and Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, are NOT sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. So, y'all can stop blaming her for distracting the QB and causing an early playoff exit. The real reason you're not going to the Super Bowl is because... uh... oh, fuck it. I hate football and I can't even pretend to give a shit. So let's just dispense with the trash talk and say that your team sucks and that'll be the end of it, okay? Move on. (National Ledger)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Hello Pot? This is Kettle.

Now you have gone and done it, Simon. Rosie is pissed.

So before I get into it- Yes, I know the sole purpose of this thing is to make fun of everyone on that show. I do think, however, that there is a fine line between good natured fun and outright cruelty. I think that line was crossed over and over last night. I mean, it's one thing to show brief clips of bad singers- that's funny. Showing a backstory that just set up someone's embarrassing downfall? Not so much. I agree with Jess on the whole ringer thing- I think a lot of that was rigged- but what was the point of humiliating the one chick who cried about her kid and her husband? All that did was make me hate the show a little bit and consider watching the "Friday Night Lights" rerun instead.

Onwards.

So I got all swoony over Tommy Daniels. I think he is going to go really far. I would say that he could be my boyfriend but I would not want to say something so early in the season that could possibly bite me in the ass later on. (Like how last February Jess said she wanted to be in an Ace Young/Chris Daughtry sandwich. I am sure she regrets that. I keep bringing it up to make sure.)

I thought the beat box guy was great. I also liked the guy who sang "Faithfully" - but I suspect he will piss me off Ace Young style before long. Who was really great was the 16 year old girl at the end who, apparently, already has a wikipedia page. It was so ridiculous how you heard Simon murmuring how she was one of the best singers while she was performing and when she finished he squawked "UNoriginal NOT unique...bla bla bla" Did she did not appeal to Simon's weiner? The ones who DID appeal to Simon's weiner got sent through with a winky wink. This chick did not get a winky wink. Simon agreed to send her through after he found out her dad was in the NFL. As I suspected all along, Simon is a big sissypants.

The most cringe-worthy moment of the night for me was when that freako who went by "Carlene" busted into that demented bunny-hop when she started singng Baby Got Back. I actually changed the channel. I also cringed when the Really Tall Chick stood next to Ryan Seacrest. The editors of that show seem hell bent on proving that Seacrest is, in fact, short.

Randy- WTF DAWG? You are not the mean one. Simon is the mean one. You are the "yo dawg I am not feeling you bro" guy. Stop being mean. It makes me feel icky.

In conclusion, I did learn two very important things last night:

1. Hot pink stirrup arm tights are ALWAYS a good idea.

2. If you give yourself the moniker "The Hotness" then perhaps others will follow suit.

Poll Time

So the general consensus, as it applies to the mainstream media, is that the judges' assessments of the people auditioning is, in technical terms, way harsh. What do you think?

Are the Judges Too Mean This Season?
	Yes, they've gone from simply dashing hopes and dreams to making people suicidal.
	No. Someone has to tell these people they suck.
	Randy is.
	Randy and Paula are.
	Simon is.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

6 Things I Learned From The American Idol Premiere

1. It might not be a good idea to have Burt Lahr as your Muse. Gutteral lion showtunes does not an idol make.

2. Simon and Randy make a lot of decisions based on their Weiners.

3. I know all the words to Prince's song "Kiss". In fact, EVERYONE knows the words to that song except for that weird girl wearing the tie. I was so embarrassed for her I was actually prompting her. Through the TV.

4. Don't sing a Jewel song to Jewel. Just don't. If you don't understand why you should not do that, you should probably just go and kill yourself.

(Incidentally,Sheila and I shouting "SNAGGLETOOTH" in unison was one of my favorite moments of the evening.)

5. Crack babies can sing good, yo. Word.

6. The old "using the wrong door" bit never gets old.

Premiere: The Sort-of Recap

Sheila, Mejack and Curly came over last night to drink wine, eat pizza, hummus, pita chips and girl scout cookies, and howl with laughter at the bad contestants. I took notes. Here they are. And is it me, or are the "good" singers so far not all that good?

Mejack on Jessica Rhode (Jewel wannabe, disturbing skirt): She sounds like Pee-Wee Herman.

Jessica Rhode on Jessica Rhode (after being told she would most definitely NOT be going to Hollywood): I'm like waiting for them to come out here and be like 'psyche!'

Jess and Sheila, respectively, on Jesse Holloway (black dude, mumbler):

DisTAAANCE?

It's abusive!

Mejack on Charles Moody: If that doesn't say methamphetamine, I don't know what does. He's a gay, Uncle Sam tweaker.

Sheila on Tashawn Moore (when she "tuned in" to the imaginary sound coming through her imaginary headphones): Sweetie, there's no other sound in the room.

Mejack and Curly, respectively, on Perla Meneses:

Randy, your dick's talking.

She's like Shakira and Charo's love child.

Sheila on Jarrod Fowler (Navy Guy): Hun, I think you're hot and I want your cock, is what's happening.

Sheila and Mejack, respectively, on Michelle Steingas:

I like her.

I don't like her belt.

Mejack on Dayna Dooley (black chick whose boss wants to bang her): Randy's got a boner.

Curly and Sheila, respectively on Matt Sato (little gay boy with unfortunate mole who sang "California Dreamin"):

Uh oh, what's on your nose?

DON'T sex this song up.

Me? I'm not funny so I just take notes. Actually no, I have one:

Jess on Josh Flom (Chris Daughtry wannabe): You're not a rocker, you're a PUSSY.

We counted three "dawgs" from Randy. I guess he's trying to exercise a little restraint this season. Simon? Awesome. Paula? Drunk. Jewel? Wait, Jewel was there? I didn't notice. Also, TVgasm has a full recap. YouTube is letting me down in a big way, though. I want video of the juggler real bad.

UPDATE: Death by Camera has something truly awesome. The rejects' MySpace profiles. Of course, I don't know what Mejack is going to do with her afternoon now, but still. Amazing. Via Gawker.

Newsbreak

In case you didn't know, American Idol 6 starts tomorrow. Are you ready? We're having ourselves a little premiere party. I'd invite y'all, but my apartment is really tiny. Anyway, hopefully this will tide you over until tomorrow:

MSNBC takes an "interactive" look at the American Idol numbers. It's not terribly interactive. They also have a "blog this" option, which I initially got excited for, until I realized that you have to be on MSN spaces in order to use it. Two strikes, MSNBC. Count 'em. (MSNBC)

ABC is a bunch of pussies afraid to put Dancing with the Stars up against Idol. (EARTHtimes.org: Yeah, I don't know either.)

Paula Abdul does NOT drink. Ever. It must be all the Vicodin, then. (FOX6 San Diego)

Set the DVR! (Fuck TiVo) Katharine McPhee will play herself on Ugly Betty on February 1st. Mejack and Mr. Mejack will be watching, no doubt. (RTE)

The bad singers who audition are not Randy Jackson's dawgs. (OC Register)

All the News That's Fit to Pinch

I know you've been foaming at the mouth and battling the shakes for your next "Idol" news fix so suffer no longer, my fellow fiends. Here's the latest:

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes! Twists and turns are afoot! According to an executive producer of our beloved program, we can look forward to "a big-event show, sometime in the middle of the season, something that will blow America away." Hmm... Anyone want to take a stab at what the surprise could possibly be? My guess is that Randy ventures beyond his usual five-word vocabulary. (MSNBC)

Fear not, all you non-techie types and poor slobs prone to the occasional TiVo/DVR programming mishap! Episodes of Season 6 will be available online immediately after the broadcast. That's a huge relief for me because I'm going to have a dickens of a time explaining the tantrum-induced crack in my cable box to my cable provider. It didn't record a results show last season and well, it had to pay. But between you, me and the lamppost, I'm telling them that's the condition it arrived in. You dig? (The Daily Reel)

In other news, "Idol" producers have finally figured out what we've known all along -- the song selections for finalists suck copious amounts of ass. So, in an effort to find something a little less shitty for the top two to warble, producers are reportedly adding a songwriting contest this season. Oh good! Now we'll have a name and face to put with the usual scorn and insults. Potential applicants: Make sure your contact info is not a matter of public record because we WILL track you down and ridicule you mercilessly, if need be. (Reality TV World)

Have you just been dying to know what John Stevens, the carrot-topped crooner from Season 3 has been up to these days? Yeah, me neither. But you can get yourself up to speed on the likes of Frenchie Davis, Kimberly Caldwell, Jim Verraros and that perky wee Diana DeGarmo thanks to the crack investigative team over at Entertainment Weekly.

Oh and as of this posting, it is 7 days, 4 hours, 38 minutes and 4 seconds to the Season 6 premiere. Not that I'm obsessed or anything...