Results Recap

"9 to 5" medley: More awful dancing. The guys all sounded super weird singing it. The girls sounded okay, even Kristy Lee Cook. The contestants came off the stage to fondle the judges for awhile. God, I hate the medleys so much. They are painfully cheesy, and not kitschy cheesy, which I like. Just straight up Gouda.

Aside: I love Dolly Parton so, so much. She's a national treasure. I do miss her old face, though. I would also like to point out that a few weeks ago, I went over to Curly's for dinner, and we discussed Dollyweek. She said, "Who's going to sing "Jolene," and I predicted Brooke White." I also predicted Kristy Lee Cook would sing "9 to 5," but at least I got one right. Actually, she technically did, in the medley, so I am a physic phenomenon!

Michael Johns is… safe! And wearing a Dolly Parton T-shirt?

David Archuleta is… safe! I think it's safe to say David Archuleta could burp his next song and be safe.

Carly Smithson is… safe! And I can't decide if I think her yellow top is flattering or not. It's hard to pull off yellow if you're not Brooke White, because she is the sun in human form.

Commercial time. I have to see if my tater tots are done. And my tater tots are… not done!

I am not digging Seacrest's fauxhawk at all.

Call-in time! Haley, age 13, wants to know what Syesha misses most about her home life. Answer: hanging out with friends and family. This segment is so fucking boring. Robert, also age 13, wants to know what talent David Cook would like to have. Answer: organization -- he's a slob. I'm falling asleep here. Bill, age 26, wants to know who Randy, in all his skull-shirted glory, hasn't worked with. Answer: he'd like to work with the next American Idol! Kyle, age 17, wants to know what Michael Johns and David Cook want to sing on the tour. Answer: they haven't thought about it yet. Mary, age 52, has a question for Simon. Why does he feel it's necessary to apologize after a negative critique? Answer: Simon is officially off the hook! No apologies from now on.

The Clark Brothers sang, "This Little Light of Mine." Badly. The singer is a bizarro, less cute Jordan Catalano singing "I Want to be Sedated" after Rayanne choked and ran off the stage. Luckily my tots are done, and in case you were wondering, yes, I'm going to eat my tots, and no, you can't eat them.

Ford commercial. "It's Tricky," which I enjoy very much when I listen to my Clueless soundtrack. The Idol hopefuls are facing off with a bunch of black guys in basketball. Because black guys are good at basketball, duh. Not good enough to beat this group of skinny, multi-ethnic midgets, though! Just kidding. They aren't all midgets. Just some of them.

David Cook is… safe, healthy and sporting questionable hair.

Ramiele Malubay is… in the bottom three! And wearing a Britney T-shirt?

Kristy Lee Cook is… in the bottom three! And she brought some sort of note claiming her silver seat.

Past Idol update. Bucky moved to Nashville, got a record deal and has two singles out. Phil Stacey grew a beard, looks like my boyfriend now, and has a country album coming out soon. Bo Bice had three intestinal surgeries, took a year off, built a recording studio and put out an album getting back to his southern rock roots. He needs a haircut now more than ever. He's also a dad now, which he seems to enjoy.

Syesha Mercado is… safe! And wearing a Paula Abdul T-shirt?

Brooke White is… in the bottom three! Holy crap! My beloved Jason Castro is safe!

Ramiele is boob height to Kristy and Brooke. Heee.

Idol Gives Back time. An Ethiopian girl living in poverty was given a home and was separated from her sister. After searching, she found her, and their reunion was really touching. They're both off the streets now and in a shelter.

Dollytime! Singing "Jesus and Gravity" from her new album "Backwoods Barbie." LOVE. She is wearing the craziest outfit EVER, and it is awesome because it's Dolly. She looks like a bride at a wedding at a retirement community for active seniors in Boca Raton, Florida whose next door neighbor from Texas, Betty Jo, took a look at her white capri pants and cape and said, "It's nice, Dolly, but it needs more pizzazz! Let me get my Bedazzler!" And then they drank white wine spritzers and spent the night bedazzling and gossiping about Martha down the hall, who is a TOTAL SLUT. And Jordin Sparks and Holly Robinson Peete fucking loved every second of it. Speaking of crazy outfits, Paula Abdul has some sort of weird cutouts on her shiny blouse. She looks like a Russian stripper.

Results time. Randy predicts Ramiele is out. Simon predicts it won't be Brooke. Brooke is emotional and can't stop talking. Brooke is… safe! And Kristy Fucking Lee Fucking Cook is safe AGAIN. I shake my fist at Vote for the Worst. Which means that Ramiele is going bye-bye. I'm not sad, because she showed so much promise early on and then never really delivered, and if I learned anything from my parade of shitty ex-boyfriends, it's that you can't fall in love with someone's potential. She's young, though, she'll be fine. And successful. She pulled herself together to do a decent sing-out, which I always like to see.

Top Chef time, kiddies. Stay tuned for a news update later this week.

Dolly Parton Songbook - Recap

Well, the cards are stacked against me. This week, I fell for Time Warner’s evil ploy again: I had to take a few phone calls during the prime “American Idol” hour last night, and even though I had my TV on and was watching “Idol” while I chatted away, I also set my DVR to record the show so I would be able to absorb the subtle nuances and general Seacrest douchiness that I knew I would miss while having to focus the majority of my attention elsewhere during the broadcast. And guess what? Hey! You’re right! My NEW DVR box crapped out!

The humor is starting to wear off. I’m just about sick of this whole “let’s give her the DVR that’s going to go tits up in 20 minutes!” joke they seem to be playing on me. I’m this close to going out and purchasing an old school VCR and just taping the fucking show so I don’t miss it.

Here’s what I was able to see: Idol featured the songs of the adorable Dolly Parton and her whittled waist and missile tits last night, and I just can’t help but love that woman. Sure, I grew up on her music as any child of the 70’s did; that has nothing to do with it. She’s just as cute as a bug, (a bug with scary-big knockers) and there can be no denying that. She’s a brilliant songwriter whether you like country music or not (again, I’m a Texan so I’m sort of genetically predisposed to appreciate country music in one form or another. It’s in my DNA.) and just has a knack for a catchy hook that gets stuck in your head for months. I don’t know if I’d call her the most objective of the Idol mentors or not, but she’s just SO CUTE that to me it doesn’t matter.

My recap is as follows, and is probably completely out of order. You’re welcome.

Ramiele Malubay – “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind”. I thought, as Simon would say, it was “utterly forgettable”. Ramiele’s forte just isn’t country. She did a decent job, but it seemed sort of forced and unnatural. Beyond that, I personally thought it was pitchy and didn’t really showcase her naturally easy vocal. Randy said he “wasn’t mad” at her, and gave her a 6 out of 10. I thought that was a little generous for this performance. Verdict: Bottom three.

David Cook – “Little Sparrow”. David almost didn’t perform last night due to increasing stress over his brother’s failing condition and apparently had to be taken to the hospital last night post-performance with his own high blood pressure issues. He is reportedly just fine, being treated, and will be performing as long as he is in the competition. (which, depending on who you’re asking, might be until the very end.) I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but damn it, and please understand it pains me to say this, but I might be starting to actually like this guy. GOD I want to wash that out of my mouth… maybe it was his hair. KEEP IT LIKE THAT. The creepiness looked like it was almost washed out of it, and the comb-over? All but gone. THANK YOU, David Cook. I hope the Chester Molester hair is indeed gone forever. Finally a David Cook I might be able to get on board with. Maybe. I’ll think about it. Verdict: Safe.

David Archuleta – “Smoky Mountain Memory”. It was just good. So much better than last week’s debacle. This was the perfect Dolly Parton song to showcase his amazing vocals. Simon loved it, “Absolutely on the money.” I have nothing snarky to say about David this week. Verdict: Safe.

Jason Castro – “Travelin’ Through”. Okay. I’m a little bit biased because I want to have Jason Castro’s love children and take advantage of him in ways that are illegal in several states, but I thought he did a pretty decent job. Possibly the best song choice for his lilting vocals, but I’m not certain there is a single song in the Dolly Parton songbook that would actually make his vocals shine as they could. He did seem comfortable singing “Travelin’ Through” though, even though I’d have to agree with Simon that this genre isn’t particularly the best style for Jason. I’m a bit torn. Not about wanting to ravage him until he's broken into tiny pieces begging for mercy, you understand. I’m clear on that. I’m not entirely clear on whether or not I loved this performance. I’m trying, but this performance might land him in the bottom three. Verdict: Hot.

Brook White – “Jolene”. One of my favorite of Dolly Parton’s songs. I didn’t think it was perfect, but I have to agree with Randy that this sort of genre might be her forte. I’ll also agree with Simon though, in that it wasn’t one of her best performances. But there’s something about Brook White that’s just… forgettable. When discussing the show with anyone, I almost always forget that she’s still in the running. I think if she were competing on “American Semi-Boring Folk Singer” I’d probably vote for her, but I don’t think she’s cut from “Pop Star” cloth. Verdict: No fucking idea.

Carly Smithson – “Here you come again”. My most favorite Dolly Parton song. I was worried a little bit about her song choice at first, but in grand Carly style, she made it her very own and molded each lyric to her own voice. Her smoky higher notes were just perfect, especially for a song with schmaltzy-sweet lyrics like “Here you come again”. I thought it was just… well, perfect. Simon’s biggest complaint was about her wardrobe. I think he’d rather see her bitched-up like Amanda Overmyer, which makes me want to punch him in the neck. Verdict: Safe.

Kristy Lee Cook – “Coat of many colors”. Wow. Kristy singing an actual country song, and nothing about it worked at all. IRONY. She didn’t have to hillbilly-up this song at all: it came that way, all tied up pretty with a big ol' country bow, just waiting for her to hammer it home and she didn’t. It was the weakest performance of the evening from the one person that this genre suits the best. BOO. Paula thought it was her best performance, Simon thought it was “pleasant but forgettable.” Totally. Ryan Seacrest loved the French pedicure, which should answer a lot of questions for anyone who still has any questions about Ryan Seacrest. Verdict: Bottom three, possibly going home.

Syesha Mercado - Did she *really* sing "I will always love you"? I have nothing at all to say, honestly, but "Bottom three".

Michael Johns – “It’s all wrong, but it’s alright”. I thought it started out a little shaky and rough, but by the third verse I was ready to break the glass on my TV and tear his clothes off. He made me think dirty thoughts. His vocals were the best I’ve ever heard so far, and I think the arrangement was perfectly suited for him. The judges all loved it. I loved it. I loved him. Verdict: Rowrrrrrr.

Going Home: If there’s any justice in the world, Kristy Lee Cook is gonie-gone gone.

Top 11 Recap

Seriously. Why do we have to suffer through another Beatles week? Oh, okay. Last week was Lennon/McCartney, and this is the Beatles. Now I get it. That's totally different. Thanks for clearing that up, Ryan. Is Nigel Lithgoe trying to kill us?

I count TWO Simon winks at Ryan before the show even gets started. Maybe my friend Amanda is right and they are secret boyfriends.

Amanda Overmyer
Her most memorable moment so far was being on the big stage for the first time. Not like performing on a flatbed truck, that's for sure! She's singing "Back in the USSR" because it's upbeat. I hate to say this, but it didn't suck. Really, I don't just hate to say it -- it physically hurts.
Randy: Perfect song choice, but pitchy in the beginning. 7 out of 10, but it was good!
Paula: Sketchy at first, timing off. A little ahead of the beat. But she's unique. Wants to see her do a ballad.
Simon: Predictable, bit of a mess in parts. Needs to surprise people with something new before she gets boring.
Amanda says, "Whatever, I'm awesome and this Idol shit is lame! Suck it!" (I'm paraphrasing)

Kristy Lee Cook
She looks through her "photo book" every night to remind her of home. She has a cute dog named Autumn. She secretly hates Randy Jackson. Maybe I made that last part up. Maybe I didn't. You'll never know. Her most memorable moment(s) was being in the bottom every week because she sucks, and then not going home because she's hot. She's doing "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away," because she likes the title. For real. She's predictably terrible.
Randy: Interesting arrangement, but boring until the end.
Paula: She looked gorgeous, which is code for she sucked.
Simon: Needs hypnosis because she's a bad performer. "Musical wallpaper." Heee.
Kristy says, "I may suck now, but wait until I shift into full sock-blowing mode!"

David Archuleta
His most memorable moment was singing "Imagine." Not so memorable was forgetting the lyrics. He's doing "The Long and Winding Road" for no reason. It bored me to tears, and his vaguely constipated facial expressions made me uncomfortable.
Randy: He brought the hotness back to his game.
Paula: Exciting and wonderful performance.
Simon: Amazing.
The hell?

Performance by Kellie Pickler tomorrow! Aw yeah, I'm going to have a field day with that one.

Michael Johns
His most memorable moment was singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" during Hollywood Week. He's doing "A Day in the Life" because he thinks it's Lennon and McCartney's "masterpiece." I like Michael Johns. I think he's an understated, but very good performer, and I like his voice. I do not like this arrangement, though. At all.
Randy: Wrong song choice.
Paula: Dress rehearsal, blah blah, monitors, blah blah, Simon, blah blah. She hated it.
Simon: It was a mess.
Michael says, "I want to dedicate that crappy performance to my friend who passed away. It was his favorite song. How do you feel now, judges? Guilty?"

Brooke White
Brooke looks like the sun itself in a flappy yellow dress. Because she's a ray of sunshine sent down to the Earth to make us all smile and forget our troubles. Her most memorable moment was singing "Let It Be" and getting emotional. She's singing "Here Comes the Sun" because she IS the sun! I found it pretty weak compared to her last two performances. In fact, it sucked. And she should never attempt to dance again, ever.
Randy: It was awkward.
Paula: Liked the low notes, but pretty much hated it.
Simon: Performance terrible. Horrible dancing, lack of conviction.
Brooke says, "It's okay. Everything's okay. I will continue to shine my light on you anyway, because the sun is not spiteful. It only shines."

David Cook
His most memorable moment was stealing "Eleanor Rigby" last week (more on David's chronic thievery later this week). This week, he's doing "Daytripper" and wow, he just gave credit to Whitesnake for the arrangement. Mom loves David Cook, which hurts me. She also loved Chris Daughtry, so it makes sense. I guess his performance was okay, but I was bored.
Randy: Not his best, but still solid.
Paula: Ready to go sell records. Liked the voice box.
Simon: Not as good as David thought it was. Smug. YES! Lost his element of surprise.
David says, "I learned my lesson about being a douche when I'm criticized, so I'm going to say exactly what I'm supposed to, that I'll take the criticism and learn from it for next week, if I'm here. Oh come on, let's be honest. Of course I'll be here. I'm fucking awesome and everyone knows it."

Carly Smithson
Her most memorable moment was when Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson. She's singing "Blackbird," because her brother sang it growing up, and she wants to do a ballad for a change. Carly has pretty much a perfect voice, and I liked it a lot. I also love that song, which didn't hurt. But what on Earth was she wearing? You can't pull off a ruffled neckline when you have that many tattoos.
Randy: Very nice. Cooliosis factor. (Yeah, I don't know either)
Paula: Loved it.
Simon: Hated song choice. Indulgent.
Carly says, "This song represents my struggle with the music industry. We're all broken birds. Take that, Simon!" She got a "7" tattooed on her hand, because she's the 7th contestant this week and it's the 7th season of Idol.

Jason Castro
His most memorable moment was singing "Hallelujah." Mine too, Jason. He's singing "Michelle" because it's a real dynamic song and he gets to speak French. I loved it. He's so awesome and adorable. And he loves me, needs me and wants me. Guess what, Jason? You can have me!
Randy: Just all right for him.
Paula: He has a very distinct charm and Paula wants to bone him. She found it uncomfortable and a little awkward.
Simon: His face sold it, very charming and not obnoxious. His goofiness makes it work.

Syesha Mercado
Syesha looks gorgeous. I want that dress. Her most memorable moment was being in the bottom three. She needed it because she needed that kick in her butt. She's singing "Yesterday," because she did a Beatles medley in middle school and the song touched her and she wants to touch everyone. The pacing was super weird and off for me.
Randy: Very good performance.
Paula: Beautiful how she let herself be vulnerable. Needs to make more eye contact.
Simon: Best performance so far.

Chikezie Eze
His most memorable moment was the first round in Hollywood where all the judges complimented him. He's singing "I've Just Seen a Face" with an instrument that he doesn't know how to play. That's smart. I think it started out boring and then got good.
Randy: Liked the fast part, hated the slow. (Word!)
Paula: He did it again!
Simon: Thought the harmonica was atrocious. Gimmicky and not as good as last week.

Ramiele Malubay
Her most memorable moment was making lots of new friends. Brooke is her mom and David Cook is her big brother. She's singing "I Should Have Known Better" because it's upbeat and she bored the judges to tears last week. She's wearing a very strange outfit, but I think she's pretty good.
Randy: Not jumping up and down, but liked it. It was aiight.
Paula: Better than last week, but didn't showcase her vocals enough.
Simon: Sounded amateurish and chose a mediocre song.

Bottom three: Ramiele Malubay, Kristy Lee Cook, Chikezie Eze
Going home: Kristy Lee Cook. Please, America. Send her home.

Top 12: Curly's Recap

Tonight's recap is brought to you by Stella Artois... brewed by the same noble tradition in Belgium since 1366.

To clarify, we at American Midol have not received a kick-back from that mention. I'm merely warning you that I've had a few so you should attribute any silliness in this post to the makers of this fine beer. Speaking of which... kind people at Stella Artois -- we at American Midol would NOT turn down the scratch if you wanted to work something out. Or free beer. We'll gladly accept either.

Moving on...

So tonight's episode featured the venerable Lennon-McCartney song book as well as the highly-touted new opening graphics and brand spanking new stage. The "new" intro didn't seem all that new to me, if I'm being honest. They still have the two figures walking towards the stage in a manner that suggests both are suffering from a debilitating case of scoliosis. There were some new flourishes, I guess, but mostly just left-over colors and clips from previous seasons. Such bullshit.

The new set looked straight out of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Starlight Express." I seriously expected the performers to come out on roller skates and do jumps and stunts and shit while singing. Would have made for a more-interesting two hours of my life, if you ask moi.

Oh and there's a supposed "mosh pit," according to Ryan. Um, I know he's way into music and crap but was boyfriend ever actually IN a mosh pit?! 'Cause I was. In fact, I took more than one Doc Marten to the temple (would explain a lot, no?) and never once in my experience did I ever notice anyone doing the slow back-and-forth wave during ballads, as "Idol" audiences were wont to do this evening. Rookies. Me at 19 would have kicked their arses.

If my arms went up in the air, it was to help pass along some big dude who was crowd-surfing with reckless abandon. Oh and there was that one time I raised an arm and then flipped off Gordon Gano at a Violent Femmes show because he was giving us a condescending lecture about the dangers of throwing shit on the stage.

Fucktard.

Now that that's out of the way, on with the show...

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Got to Get You Into My Life"
Syesha look like a "Solid Gold" dancer in that ensemble. Were Rick Dees and Marilyn McCoo in the house?

Randy thought it was all right. Paula told Syesha she found her zone midway through. Simon thought it was far more than Randy's all right but felt that Syesha succumbed to a case of the nerves. As for me, I think she took a great song and cheesed it up. Unforgivable.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "She's a Woman"
Hot damn, that was good. I didn't want to like it but Fat Alfonso Ribeiro threw all of his heart and flab into it. I thoroughly enjoyed that. Randy was similarly entertained. Paula said some crap about the reward paying off. I'm guessing she meant risk? Probably not. I think Paula was hitting the Stella tonight too. Simon dug it.

Methinks Fat Alfonso Ribeiro is actually safe this week and, if he plays his cards right, one step closer to shedding the nickname I've saddled him with.

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "In My Life"
Fat Alfonso Ribeiro's was a tough act to follow. I didn't envy anyone in this spot tonight but I thought Ramiele might be all spitfire-like and hold her own. Yeah, no.

Randy was bored. Paula told her she was pretty which means she hated the singing but was too much of a drugged-up pussy to say so. Simon, on the other hand, had no qualms about telling her he was bored to tears.

Word, Simon. And you too, stupid Randy. Ramiele is a possible Bottom Three contender tonight.

Jason Castro
Performed: "If I Fell"
I love Jason but this really wasn't his best. Randy didn't love it. Paula disagreed with Randy and said, "I'll tell you why..." And then she proceeded to explain but honestly, I didn't hear a word of it because I was too busy doodling in my notebook. If I had to guess why she supports Jason with such gusto, it's because he has a penis. She likes those.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Come Together"
Oh man, she kicked that song's ass. I finally believe the Carly hype. It took me a while to warm up to her but she won me over tonight. She received a crazy amount of applause and unanimous praise from the judges. Hopefully she'll remember that next week and won't revert to selecting crap-ass songs.

David Cook
Performed: "Eleanor Rigby"
Nothing shocking here: I still hate him and all three judges bent right over for his so-so performance. This has got to stop.

Brooke White
Performed: "Let It Be"
Once again, Brooke showcased that awesome smoky texture in her vocals. She played solid piano throughout. Even better, she didn't fiddle with the arrangement but still kept it interesting. She did a great job. I loved how awed and humbled she was at the enormity of the stage and the moment. The judges ate it up as did I.

David Hernandez
Performed: "I Saw Her Standing There"
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME. I knew it would be before he even opened his mouth. I was, however, a little surprised to see him venture out into the audience and dance up on some o' the ladies, you know, given his sordid stripping past. Oh, why oh why weren't any of them holding out dollar bills?!? No one thought that might be kind of funny?!?! That's officially the lamest mosh pit ever.

Randy, Paula and Simon all thought David's performance sucked balls. I'm guessing American will too. See you in the Bottom Three, David.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "You Can't Do That"
Hi, nice Dude from Quiet Riot pants there, Amanda. Seriously, it looks like she shops at one of those stores where Brett Michaels takes his dates on "Rock of Love."

Sadly, the judges dug her so we're stuck with her for at least another week.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Across the Universe"
While not nearly as screechy or boring, Michael committed the same sin as Ramiele. He took one of the quieter songs in the songbook and dutifully sang it without any ooomph. Also, Rufus Wainwright covered that song a few years ago and no one else can touch it, in my opinion.

Randy finally got Michael's dick out of his mouth and opined that the song made him sleepy. Finally! He criticized him. Paula yammered on about "quiet confidence" or some bullshit. Simon said that while a good vocal, it was monotonous.

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "Eight Days a Week"
I just took a look at the notes I scribbled during the show and, at first, I thought I wrote "super fart" in response to Kristy's performance. If that vocal had a smell, it would be a equivalent to a super fart, I guess. What I actually wrote was "super fast." The tempo was way up. So much so that it sounded like a 33 being played on the 45 setting. Um, am I dating myself with the whole record player reference?

Simon actually said it best when he declared that she sounded like "Dolly Parton on helium." Paula hated it so much, she didn't even bother to tell Kristy how pretty she looked. That's bad. Randy said something negative too but, well, do you really care?

David Archuleta
Performed: "We Can Work It Out"
How come David got to wrap up the show yet again? I mean, I know the producers want him to win and stuff but seriously, didn't he already get the last slot during the Top 24? Must we be so obvious?!?

Randy didn't think it was on point. Paula agreed it wasn't his best but still fawned all over him anyway. Simon dubbed it a mess and criticized David for attempting the Stevie Wonder version of the song. At this point, I was too buzzed and tired to really give a shit.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Kristy Lee Cook, David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay
Going Home: Kristy and her twang are hitting the trail.

Top 12: Recap

This is the week we butcher songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook. How coked up did Seacrest seem? Answer: a lot. Also, why did they get all the "ethnic" contestants out of the way first?

Syesha Mercado: "Gotta Get You Into My Life"
Syesha is a "working actress." Nothing on IMDB, so I'm not buying it. It was pretty good, but I wish she had either lost the shirt or buttoned it up. It looks like she's doing a hungover Walk of Shame. Not as screamy as usual, anyway. Randy and Paula thought it was okay. Simon thought it was better than okay, but that she needs to get her nerves in check.

Chikezie Eze: "She's a Woman"
I haven't been a huge Chikezie fan, but I thought he rocked this. The judges agreed. Ryan went fucking bonkers. I blame the coke.

Ramiele Mulabey: "In My Life"
Ramiele works in a sushi restaurant and smells like soy sauce. Her song is dedicated to Danny Noriega. I thought it started out good then got boring. The judges agreed, except for Simon, who hated the beginning.

Jason Castro: "If I Fell"
I voted for him about six billion times. He's Columbian, by the way, for all of you Googlers looking for "Jason Castro ethnicity." It wasn't his best performance to date, but he's just a joy to watch. I can't stop smiling when he's on that stage. Randy thought it was just all right. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a boring bedroom performance.

The Kardashians were there!

Carly Smithson: "Come Together"
I've had a problem with Carly through this competition. She looks like a badass, but she wants to sing Celine Dion songs. I can't reconcile that in my head. She rocked the house tonight, though. She has a tremendous voice. The crowd went wild. Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson, and I can't disagree.

David Cook: "Eleanor Rigby"
I thought it was shaky and all over the place, but the judges wet themselves. It's official: We have our Chris Daughtry. Might I hope we get a surprise vote off as well? I hate to admit this, but I think he'd be hot with better hair. His hair hurts me.

Brooke White: "Let it Be"
This is the Beatles' last single. I did not know that. She seems uncomfortable behind the piano, like she doesn't know how to connect with the audience from that vantage point. She plays barefoot, which I find oddly endearing. The judges love it. I liked it a whole lot.

David Hernandez: "I Saw Her Standing There"
I was longing for Tiffany during this. It was okay. I liked it more than the judges, who thought it was overdone. Simon deemed it corny. Ryan says "Hernandez" the way Alex Trebec says, "Nicaragua."

Amanda Overmyer: "Can't Do That"
Dig the extensions. Don't dig the Steven Tyler get-up. It was fine, but I'm so over her. Did she lose a ton of weight, or is it the vertical stripes? Randy and Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty and slurry, but still likes her.

Tyrese was there!

Michael Johns: "Across the Universe"
I dug it. Ryan thought it was just okay. Paula loved it, because she wants to bone him. Simon found it monotonous.

Kristy Lee Cook: "Eight Days a Week"
Awful. Just awful. The country thing did not work, and she has crazy eyes. The judges all hated it. Simon deemed it "horrendous."

David Archuleta: "We Can Work It Out"
Forgot the words, lost his confidence, wouldn't stop licking his lips, butchered the whole thing. Everyone hated it.

Bottom three: David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay and Kristy Lee Cook
Going home: Ramiele Malubay

Results: America, Meet Your Top 12

The royal WE built them a new stage and bought them some Beatles songs to butcher. This is American Idol.

Oh Christ. Blake Lewis. The boyfriend and I watched his video on one of those Music On Demand channels. He liked it. I broke up with him. Okay, I didn't, but I thought about it for a second or two. Apparently Blake didn't get the memo about removing one shiny item of clothing before leaving the house. Paula's rocking out in an inexplicable hat. I want to shoot myself.

While we're having a commercial break, did anyone notice how unbelievably unhappy Amanda Overmyer was last night? I thought for sure TMZ would be on it today, but alas. Maybe I'll find something when I do my super sexy news update tomorrow.

Over 36 million votes this week. I like Ryan's suit. The judges are awfully silly this season. I think everyone's dipping into Paula's Kool-Aid.

David Cook is... IN! And Lionel Richie loves him.

David Archuleta is... IN! And he makes people happy. He and Brooke White do a Mormon fist-pump.

Jason Castro is... IN! And he loves me! Okay, I made that up. He hasn't even met me. Yet.

Man, I can't wait until Amanda Overmyer gets voted off and spills why she was so upset in an interview. And if it has "American Midol Blog" in it, even better. for the traffic, not for our souls. We're clearly going to hell.

Brooke White is... IN! I didn't recap last night, but I did love her performance.

Syesha Mercado is... IN! I found her screamy.

Kady Malloy is... OUT! Which means we have to hear that awful song again. Also, she looks pregnant in that dress. I think she should host TRL. Asia'H is inconsolable. Ouch, this hurts. I'm fast-forwarding. Man, Ramiele is a cryer, huh? Danny Noriega is also crying. Buncha fucking pansies on this show.

David Hernandez is... IN! No more stripper poles for him!

Michael Johns is... IN! Duh.

Luke Menard is... OUT! Jess is two for two! I also predicted Kady and Kristy Lee Cook, but I didn't post it.

Paula looks like a glitter demon is trying to eat her brain. And she is shaking it hard for Luke. Totally wants to bang him. I think he should become a soap star. I love how bored Simon looks.

Danny Noriega and Chikezie Eze left. Who's going home? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Ramiele Malubay is... IN!

Carly Smithson is... IN! Duh. Duh for all the foreigners tonight.

Amanda Overmyer is... IN! And she looks bummed about it. What the fuck is going on with that girl?

Asia'H Epperson and Kristy Lee Cook are left. Who will it be? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Hey, have you heard that this is the most talented season EVER?

Asia'H Epperson is... wait, no.

Kristy Lee Cook is... IN! And Asia'H is going home. The hell? So now we're down to one black girl and one generic blond. That sounds about right as far as these things generally play out. What will they do about all the gays on the boy's side?

Her singout is making me misty, what with all the holding back the tears and the dead dad and whatnot. I must be overtired. And I think Paula is on ecstasy.

Danny and Chikezie are holding hands, which just made me laugh out loud. My cat looked at me like, "Dude, shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

Chikezie is... IN! Hey, remember a couple of seconds ago when I asked what was going to happen with all the gays? Uh huh.

Goddammit. Why does my DVR always have to cut off the last few minutes of the show? I shake my fist at you, Time Warner Cable!

There you have it, folks. Your top 12. I may be surprised, but I'm not sad. When Jason Castro goes, though? Someone better show up at my place with a bottle of Riesling and a Vicodin.

Top 16: Girls Recap

Sorry for the delay, peeps. At the risk of seeming unfaithful, the finale of "Project Runway" was on last night and my attention was rather divided. Monogamy is not my strong suit. I admit it.

Okay, so last night was rather lackluster and, as such, my recap will be the same. Blame the girls, not me.

Asia'h Epperson
Performed: "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Houston
Asia'h has a cool voice but I'm so over contestants singing Whitney, Mariah, et al. I mean, haven't they watched the previous seasons? The judges ALWAYS make the comparison. It's so boring. Plus, I hate this fucking song. But still, Asia'h didn't murder it so I'll give her that much.

Verdict: Safe

Kady Malloy
Performed: "Who Wants to Live Forever" by Queen
I like this girl. I just do. I don't agree with Simon that she's robotic. I just think she's not picking the best songs to showcase her personality. With that said, I thought she did a really good job tonight. If Kady sticks around, she has the makings of a Kat McPhee-sized crush, methinks.

Verdict: Probably going home but could stage another upset like last week.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "I Hate Myself for Loving You" by Joan Jett
Shit. This didn't suck. Between Simon's praise and the Vote for the Worst campaign, she's a shoo-in for the Top 12. The "I gargle with gravel" voice and Lily Munster hair live on.

Verdict: Safe, dammit.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "I Drove All Night" by Cyndi Lauper
Again with the Celine covers. Fuck you, people. Fuck you all to hell.

Verdict: Safe

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "Faithfully" by Journey
Quelle surprise! Randy Jackson name-dropped Journey. I didn't see that coming. God, I hate Randy. And I hated this song.

Verdict: Gonzo

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins
The song was fine but does anyone else find Ramiele a little scary? Lovely voice, mind you, but there's in that wee body of hers that gives me the major creeps.

Verdict: Safe

Brooke White
Performed: "Love Is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar
Damn, that was good. When Ryan announced her song choice before the commercial, I actually groaned. But she did a damn good job of it. There was a lovely smoky element to her voice that I just adored. I'm a little bummed she didn't do the arms-akimbo boob shimmy though. Danny Noriega no doubt would have fallen in step behind her and they would have rocked it. Pity.

Verdict: Safe

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Saving All My Love" by Whitney Houston
Syesha got the shaft when it came down to the judging. She got one-word answers from all the judges because the stage manager must have been gesturing wildly for them to wrap it up. I agree with Simon that it was "predicatable but good."

Verdict: Safe (both in standings and song choice)

Predictions
Sayonara, Kady Malloy and Kristy Lee Cook.

Monday News Update

Castoffs Dish to MTV
Robbie Carrico, Alexandrea Lushington, Jason Yeager and Alaina Whitaker sat down with MTV to discuss Britney Spears, wig allegations, David Archuleta being a big crybaby, almost being in O-Town,and the shock of one generic blond getting sent home while another stays. Fascinating stuff.

Why Jess Can Never Have Kids
An Indianapolis woman was so engrossed in American Idol that she forgot her three-year-old daughter was taking a bath. The kid almost drowned, and her other four kids were placed in protective custody. Bad mother, or really great seventh season? You decide.

Odds on Asia'H
Gambling 911, which gave us some serious link love last week, has compiled the best bets for this season's Idol hopefuls. Asia'H Epperson and David Archuleta have the best odds so far.

Imagine No Magic Underwear
Alleged Mormon Brooke White is now a confirmed Mormon, and also an LDS member? David Archuleta. That's probably why he cut the first verse of Imagine.

Josiah Leming Probably Never Going Away
A Fort Wayne, Indiana radio station gave the cult kid a free car to live in, some clothes and "other gifts." Also, he's made 40 grand selling his music online. You know what you can do with 40 grand? Pay rent. Just a thought.

SHOCKING Ramiele Malubay Photo
Are you ready for it? The shocking lesbian photo that is taking the Internets by storm? Can you handle it? Here goes:



Not a Real Shocker
Not that anyone wants to see them, but apparently Amanda Overmyer has some nudie photos out there somewhere. Don't we all, really? When we see 'em, we'll post 'em. Conside yourself warned. Also, when Amanda isn't forcing out constipated grunts into a mic, she can usually be found drunk driving. Here's the mug shot from her October 2006 arrest:



Speaking of scandals, anyone got any pics of David Hernandez stripping? If so, please send them to our eagerly awaiting email box. We'll give you big kisses. With tongue.