Midol on AOL TV!

AOL Television posted a blogger prediction round-up today, and yours truly is quoted, along with a sweet link to this here blog. I think they went with my quote because it was the shortest after Mejack's, which advocated grievous bodily harm. I really thought the puppy kicking and porn references would get cut, though, but I'm glad they didn't. Check it out!

Predictions

Question:
So who do you ladies' think is going to win this thing?

Jess says:
I think the Davids will make up the final two, and my money's on creepy David Archuleta to win the whole thing. What? He's creepy. Don't front. You know he is -- you just don't want to say it out loud because he's sunshine and rainbows and puppies and if you say it, it's like you're kicking a puppy. Luckily, I kick puppies all the time so I'm fine with it. In fact, I'm kicking one right now. The judges have been ramming Archuleta down our throats like Harry Reems to Linda Lovelace all season. Why? I don't know. Is he more marketable than smarmy David Cook? I don't think so. Is he more talented than Syesha Mercado? Again, I don't think so. Are 12-year-old girls the only demographic record labels care about these days? Maybe. Can we have Jason Castro back? Please?

Curly McDimple says:
In seasons past, I've had super strong feelings about my desired American Idol. For example, the fact that I didn't douse myself with gasoline and strike a match when Taylor "The Tard" Hicks beat my beloved Tits McPhee is nothing short of a miracle.

During Season Two, I damn near gave myself calluses voting for the otherwise unremarkable… uh…. What's his face? Big fat guy with limited breathing ability and high blood pressure? Ruben Studdard! Yeah, that's it! Sure, he had a decent set of pipes but that's not why he got my vote. It was my utter contempt for Clay Aiken that made me incur a ridiculous amount of texting fees on my AT&T bill in support of Sir Wheezes-a-Lot.

Sadly, this season, I have no fire in mah belly nor a deep, abiding hatred of anyone. Sure, I think David Cook is an arrangement-pilfering douche with an unhealthy relationship with a straightening iron. And perhaps I believe that Syesha Mercado's greatest post-Idol achievement will be landing the role of Patty Simcox's swing in a production of Grease in Branson, MO. And maybe, just maybe, I firmly believe with all of my heart that wee David Archuleta is going to snap one day and take a knitting needle or a pair of scissors to Jeff Archuleta's voice box after he pooh-poohed David's reworking of "Every Heartbeat" from Amy Grant's cross-over album, Heart In Motion. She's such a polarizing trollop, that Amy Grant.

Not that I've given this all that much thought, you see…

But, honestly, I don't have much of an interest in who is going to win this year. It's anyone's game, really. And by anyone, I mean Davids Archuleta and Cook. Sorry, Syesha, you're toast this week. Between the Davids, I really couldn't give two shits, but, if I had my druthers, I'd say that wee David Archuleta's shrieking fan base will give him the edge. I also predict that Jeff Archuleta should secure all sharp objects within reach and sleep with one eye open.

Lizz says:
I'm going with smarm-boat David Cook for the win, if only because I truly believe David Archuleta's pop isn't going to let him perform in the finals--you know he's going to get in a flying rage and go all Daddy Dearest on us in the last episode, when he'll insist on taking the stage and singing those songs himself because poor little David can't be trusted not to screw up their, er, his dreams of winning it all and succeeding in the music biz, yes, that's right, David's dreams.

Maybe if David A is lucky his dad will let him work the spotlight during the final number...no wait, on second thought, I don't think he can be trusted to do that either, better let dad take care of it.

Mejack says:
All I would say is that I want to set Syesha on fire.

Top 6 Recap

Happy Earth Day, people! To celebrate, Idol will be using green power at the finale. Baby steps, right?

It's Andrew Lloyd Webber week. Jesus. Why is Idol doing this to us? It's like Beatles II: Electric Boogaloo times six thousand.

Syesha Mercado is doing "One Rock N' Roll Too Many," and I hate this show for making me have to look up every goddamn song. I'm not a big musical theater person, you see. How about a little chyron in the lower left hand corner, eh? This show is going to take me all night to recap. Aaaaanyway, Google tells me the song is from Starlight Express. Apparently, Syesha has a personality! Who knew? It was pretty great, actually, sultry and fun and on point. Randy thinks it's her best performance. Paula thinks she brought the house down, Simon thought it was sexy, and agreed with Randy. Everyone realized all at once, including me, that "Oh! So THIS is what Syesha is all about!" Broadway, not Billboard. And that's okay. She'll probably land a gig as soon as she gets booted, if her contract allows it.

Meatloaf is doing AT&T commercials, people. That is all.

Jason Castro is looking adorably dorky in an off-white suit. He has no idea who Andrew Lloyd Webber is, of course. I bet he knows who Bob Marley is, though. He's singing "Memories" from Cats, which is kind of hilarious. It's not very good, and believe you me, it PAINS me to say that. Randy thought it was a trainwreck. Paula thought it showcased his "unique being" and then babbled a lot because she's drunk. Simon deemed it the longest two minutes of his life, and compared him to a little boy being forced to sing at a wedding by his parents. Jason doesn't care -- he's got a four-foot bong back at the house and he's already on the tour.

I take back everything I ever said about Ryan's sexual orientation. He wants to bang old ladies. There. I figured him out. He has mountains of granny porn stashed in his house.

Brooke White is up. She's singing "You Must Love Me" from the Evita movie. She fucked up the lyrics in the beginning and asked to start again. Only the last time she had to start over, she was still awesome, and now she's just broken beyond repair, and there's no coming back from it this time. I actually hope she goes home soon. Not because I don't like her, because I do, but because I think if she spends any more time there, she's going to lose her shit in a big, not-at-all-fun, way. She's boring and not very good. Randy thought it wasn't so good. Paula thought the stopping and starting over was a major mistake. Simon thought it was uncomfortable. Brooke looks like she's ready to go backstage, drink a bottle of Southern Comfort, go down on David Cook and then collapse in a pile of tears and vomit.

David Archuleta is mauled by pre-teen girls. He's singing some lady song from Phantom of the Opera. "Think of Me." I don't know the original, but this sounds like 6th grade dance pop schmaltz. This show is never going to end, is it? Randy liked the runs, obviously. Fucking Randy and his runs. Paula thought it was perfect. Simon thought it was weak. Word, Simon.

Paul Stanley is in the audience, looking like Joan Rivers. Awesome.

Carly Smithson wanted to sing "All I Ask of You" from Phantom and ALW was like "Rubbish! Sing another song!" So she went with "Jesus Christ Superstar." She is wearing a kickass dress that I am coveting, hard. She sounds awesome, as always, and she's looking better every week. Randy thought it was good, but not her best performance. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty in the middle, but one of his favorite performances of the night. She has a T-shirt that says "Simon Loves Me (this week)" which is kind of hilarious and charming.

On a side note, I have an entire box of chocolates in my freezer and a raging case of PMS. I'm really worried about what's going to happen tonight.

On another side note, So You Think You Can Dance premieres May 22nd, and I'm literally beside myself with glee. Seriously, I just looked over and there I was. Gleeful.

David Cook is singing "Music of the Night" from Phantom, and ALW tells him he has to be sensual and sultry. And then they role-play a bit, and it's uncomfortable for everyone involved. I'm watching it, and I can feel David Cook trying to pork me through the TV, and I don't like it one bit. Stop trying to pork me with your sensual eyes, David Cook! I knew "sensual" was going to translate into "camera fucking." Randy thought it was an amazing performance. Paula thinks it proved he was well-rounded. Simon didn't like it because David didn't find a generic rock band's cover of it on iTunes to rip off.

Wow, Jason Castro sounds so much better in the rehearsal clip at the end than he did in his performance. Y'all knew those wrap-up clips are from rehearsals, right? Live show, not enough time to edit, and all that jazz?

Bottom three: Jason Castro, Brooke White and Syesha Mercado
Going home: Syesha Mercado

Just to clarify: I don't think Syesha is bad. However, people like me want to look at Jason's sweet, adorable face for as long as humanly possible, and Brooke is the new queen of Vote for the Worst, so I'm predicting Syesha by the process of elimination. Is it weird that I kind of miss Kristy Lee Cook?

Here's Brooke messing up if you missed it:

Top 10: Recap

Tonight's show had the contestants singing songs from the year they were born. At one point, I was all, "Duh, why not just make the theme be 1987?!" since it seemed everyone was born that year. Alas, I was wrong. Dude, David Archuleta was born in 1990. That means, he's the same age as my friend's son... the friend who had to miss the prom because she was, you know, giving birth. Crazy.

But, once again, enough about me and on with the show...

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "Alone" by Heart (1987)

When will these kids learn? DON'T TOUCH THIS SONG. EVER! Why? I'll tell you why. Actually, scratch that... I'll show you why! Behold!

Just look at wee Carrie Underwood all "aw shucks" and Okie-d out before the song and then she takes the stage and HOT DAMN, that vocal is a thing of a magic. Even Nancy and Ann Wilson gave her their blessing by performing the song with her. That song is officially marked. No one else best come sniffing around it again. Capiche, Ramiele?

Randy and Simon agreed and quickly smacked Ramiele down. Paula dissented and told Ramiele she was "really sick" which I think was a compliment? Not sure. Whatever, it sucked and Ramiele is in danger, girl.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Fragile" by Sting (1987)

Happy Birthday, Jason! I really like what he did with this song. He was back with the guitar which suits him well. I think he's way more comfortable when using it. Randy and Paula thought he played it safe. Simon wasn't at all impressed and told Jason to take the competition more seriously. Jason's response? A half-hearted promise to do so and his trademark goofy grin. God, I love him.

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "If I Was Your Woman" by Stephanie Mills (1987)

She's starting to work my nerves. Her singing is okay but her pre-performance interviews really make me want to punch her in the face. I can't say much about her performance because I was too busy playing with a flashlight pen I got from Yahoo. It's so cool! It projects a Bat Symbol-like Y! on the wall. Intriguing!

Um, what was I saying? Oh, right. Syesha's song... Randy and Paula gushed. Simon told her there was a "limit on [her] vocal" and the song "strained it a bit." Again, I was distracted by a shiny object -- literally -- so I don't have much of an opinion but I'll err on the side of logic and sanity and say I agree with Simon.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "If Only for One Night" by Luther Vandross (1985)

Man, I hated this. In my notes, I wrote the word "boring" with a lot of extra Os. Imagine my surprise when Randy issued the same critique. He even elongated the first syllable. Shocking! I think I'm more disturbed when Randy echoes my opinions than when Paula does.

Paula fawned over the performance but Simon wasn't impressed. After several weeks of exuberant performances and major image repair, Chikezie shot it all to shit by getting defensive when Simon took him to task for being cheesy by reaching into the audience and working the crowd. He got all pissy and said, "That's who I'm singing it for! I'm sorry!"

You're not sorry, Fat Alfonso Ribeiro, and I predict that bit of cheekiness will land your ass in the Bottom Three.

Brooke White
Performed: "Every Breath You Take" by The Police (1983)

Good thing Brooke's likable. She totally missed her cue from Ryan to start the song and then when she did, she stopped and started over. But she recovered nicely and delivered a solid performance. Randy and Simon didn't like that midway through, the band joined in on Brooke's solo piano and sped up the tempo. Paula offered somewhat restrained praise.

At this point, I turned my attention from the flashlight to doodling palm trees in the margins of my notebook. These 90-minute shows and my short attention span are just not compatible.

Michael Johns
Performed: "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions" by Queen (1978)

This had great potential to be corny but Michael really worked it out. Also, his knee-bending and mic-handling histrionics were somewhat limited tonight which was a nice change. Of course, there's a chance I missed them because I had a wee giggle fit during the song because I remembered how I used to change the lyrics to: "And we'll keep on farting 'til the end." I always thought I was heeeee-larious whenever I did that. And by whenever, I mean just last week.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler (1983)

I thought this was awesome, save for the last note which was all over the place. Up until that point, I thought it was a controlled, masterful performance of a tough song to sing. Of course, I'm basing the level of difficulty on my own attempts to sing this song which, believe you me, have not been successful. Whoever said that everyone sounds good in the shower is a lying sack of crap.

Paula gave Carly pretty good grades but Randy and Simon were unfairly harsh. Poor Carly looked stunned up there. I really don't know why they were so hard on her. It's okay, Carly, I voted for you. Go raibh maith agat!

David Archuleta
Performed: "You're the Voice" by John Farnham (1990)

It was a decent vocal but the lyrics were so earnest and, you know, uplifting that my hardened, cynical ass couldn't help but squirm. Randy and Paula both thought it was nice but Simon redeemed himself from his earlier Carly assassination by characterizing David's performance as something out of a theme park. If I had to guess, that theme park would have been Heritage USA.

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood (1984)

She's crafty, that Kristy Lee Cook. Given the subject matter, it's really hard to pick on her for poor song choice. Also, I'm pretty certain that this is her go-to up-tempo song in her limited canon. When the situation calls for a ballad, she dusts off "Amazing Grace," but for all other occasions, she's proud to be an American. Well played, Kristy Lee Cook.

All three judges praised it highly with Simon predicting that it was good enough to keep her in the competition. Then again, no big surprise there since Kristy Lee is the new Vote for the Worst pick.

David Cook
Performed: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson (1982)

Because David has been given credit for lifted arrangements week after week, Ryan finally cited the source for tonight's variation on a well-known song: Chris Cornell. Apparently, Randy, Paula and Simon all had shit in their ears when Ryan did that because they still fell all over themselves telling David how "original" and "brilliant" and "brave" and "amazing" he was.

That's such horse shit!!!! He's a good cover artist! He's not a musical genius of motherfucking Prince-like proportions. He's a good mimic but so is Rich Little, for fuck's sake! If this keeps up, I WILL have an aneurysm.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Ramiele Malubay, Chikezie and Kristy Lee Cook
Going Home: Toss-up between Ramiele and Chikezie. I'll say Ramiele because she totally pissed me off with her "It went bye-bye" baby talk when asked about her voice. Retard. Be gone!

And the Stars Say...

As in years past, astrologer Jeff Jawer has his Idol finale prediction. This year, he's predicting Melinda Doolittle to take home the crown (and the recording contract), with Jordin Sparks a close second, and Blake not even in the same ballpark. I'm not sure I agree -- I still think Jordin is the frontrunner -- but any prediction that gets Blake out of the running is just fine by me.

Get the planetary breakdown. (AOL Horoscopes)

Poll Time: Who's a Goner?

Since y'all did such a bang-up job predicting last week's losers, here's your chance to play clairvoyant once again. Tell us...

Who's getting the boot?
	Blake Lewis
	Jordin Sparks
	LaKisha Jones
	Melinda Doolittle
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Top 10 Recap II: Electric Boogaloo

Even though Jess already brought you all a killer recap and we agree on many, many points (two huge ones in particular, both belonging to LaKisha), there are a few issues on which we part ways. Without further ado, here's my take on the proceedings:

Wow, is it just me or is Gwen Stefani a bit of a social retard when she's not on stage singing and thrashing about in ridiculous outfits most of us with good vision and a shred of self-respect wouldn't be caught dead in?

Perhaps she was the victim of editing but in her interactions with the Top 10, Gwen didn't seem all that warm nor engaged with the contestants. Lulu was totally eating that shit up last week and she sent the girls on their way with sound advice and a shot of confidence whereas Gwen showed little-to-no interest in shepherding them. Maybe Gwen was just bummed that the finalists weren't Japanese and she couldn't exploit their culture and dress them in slutty Catholic school uniforms.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Last Dance" by Donna Summer
That was good but not all that compelling. LaKisha's proven herself as a powerhouse vocalist but her performance was sort of mechanical and devoid of emotion. The most memorable thing about LaKisha tonight? THOSE BREASTS. LaKisha ain't really my type but oooh lawdy, I wouldn't mind setting up play date with those girls.

Chris Sligh
Performed "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police
Chris is really starting to get under my skin. When he stands before the judges, he has a tendency to be too agreeable when they criticize him. I know I took him to task for the Teletubbies crack in the early rounds, but really, I prefer the smart-ass Chris over the current version any day.

Now he just nods and agrees with everything the judges say in between making excuses and explaining his choices. He also occasionally affects a look that says, "Look at me absorbing and pondering what the judges are saying." And good God, he even scratches his chin sometimes! I know he's trying to be the good guy but it's kind of gross, actually. Bring back the old Chris. Now.

Gina Glocksen
Performed "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders
Gina done good. Even though I've pissed on her quite a bit this season, I will give credit where credit is due. Was it a showstopper of Carrie-Underwood-Singing-"Alone" proportions? Well, no, but Gina turned in a memorable performance just the same.

The judges all went gaga over Gina and even crotchety Simon lavished her with praise. "Your transformation from three or four weeks ago to tonight is literally chalk and cheese," Cowell stated.

Because Randy is a barely functional retard with a vocabulary limited to about twelve words and phrases, he couldn't wrap his compromised brain around Simon's phrase so he sat there squawking and belaboring an unfunny exchange with Ryan Seacrest about pairing wine with cheese, not chalk, or some stupid shit like that.

While it's not an expression I've ever uttered, I did the rather rudimentary math and figured it out. It's a pretty quick conversion if you have, say, one functioning brain cell. Randy's just a dumb ass. However, if you're similarly stumped, click here to figure out what Simon meant.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Bath Water" by No Doubt
Not even wasting my time with a critique of that bullshit. Instead, let's once again focus on the hair, which I no longer want to brush, FYI...

Haley Scarnato
Performed "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper
What the hell did she do to this song? Why'd she have go and cheese it up beyond recognition? Oh right, because she sucks. Haley (and her annoyingly loud friends in the audience who insisted on yelling over the judges) are done.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Every Breath You Take" by The Police
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to break with my usual style and present my response to Phil's performance in a real time/Kerouac-like/stream-of-consciousness/punctuation-eschewing format:

Oh my God, creepy Phil is being asked a viewer question which means more camera time for him and more rocking in the fetal position for me and oh my God he's singing the creepiest stalker song ever, that freak, Jesus, I can't believe he chose this song... oh, but wait, wait a minute... say, this isn't so bad, actually and his voice is quite nice and ooh he's actually following the lone piece of useful advice Gwen dished out tonight and he's simply sticking to the melody without getting all yelly and screamy and nope, this doesn't suck one bit.

And, exhale! See how I went from truly terrified to all nice and complimentary? Miracles do happen, kids!

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Heaven Knows" by Melinda Doolittle
At this point, it's a given that Melinda's going to kick the song's ass so let's just go ahead and slap her with another "Awesome!" and move on to her outfit. Simon hated it. I wouldn't go that far but I did take note of it in my big yellow legal pad when Melinda took the stage. "I don't think that's the proper silhouette for her frame," I observed.

I learned that term by watching "Project Runway" and I felt all fancy using it. Ditto for "flavor profiles," which I learned courtesy of "Top Chef," although, admittedly, I didn't take any notes last night about Melinda's flavor profiles because, well, we're looking at and listening to Melinda, not eating her. And other than "Tastes like chicken," I'm not really sure what else I could possibly say about a human's flavor profiles.

Wait, what was my point again?

Blake Lewis
Performed "Love Song" by The Cure
Okay, while they may Jess's number two band, The Cure is most definitely at the top of my list so I may get a bit feisty in the next couple of paragraphs. When Seacrest announced at the beginning of the show that a contestant was tackling a Cure song, I knew right away that it would be Blake. And I knew that mofo was going to pick "Love Song" and I knew he was going to give it the 311 treatment. I'm tired of him getting credit for being fresh and original. He's not! Fuck Paula! Girlfriend earned a high Level o' Crazy number from me tonight merely because she gushed over the "originality" of this shit. It was NOT original. Don't credit Blake for the arrangement. He merely copied what's already been done, somewhat poorly by 311.

This is the same bullshit praise heaped on Taylor last season when he aped Michael McDonald's song stylings and Joe Cocker's spaz-outs and was lauded as "unique" and "original." Last time I checked, that shit was called celebrity impersonation, not originality. If this keeps up, I'm withdrawing my votes for all the current contestants and throwing my support behind Rich Little.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Hey Baby" by No Doubt
It's a pleasure to watch Jordin, and not just because I think she's cute. She's having fun. And like Simon said, she's getting more confident as the weeks go by. However, she's not surrendering any of her humility or charm as a result. I didn't love the vocal but then again, that song doesn't really demand much of one. She worked the attitude and the sassy outfit all over the stage and didn't embarrass herself in the process. That's my girl.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Don't Speak" by No Doubt
Randy liked Chris's "flavor" and Paula looked all creepy as she cooed, "You're good, Chris, you're good. Just good." I'm not entirely sure she was referring to his singing. Gross. Simon, on the other hand, didn't dig it. And, for once, I have to disagree with him. I actually think Chris did a good job with this song. He's had trouble in the past trying to yank notes up, down, left and right often to awkward effect. But tonight, he seemed to have a bit more control and while his voice does skew a bit nasal at times, I do think it has a nice tone. I'm going to take Chris on as my pet project in the voting department until Rich Little officially enters the race.

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... tough one again, Chris Sligh are in the Bottom Three this week but it's Haley and her hot gams who's going home.

Top 10 Recap

Here are my thoughts on the contestants tonight:

LaKisha Jones: Donna Summer, "Last Dance"
LaKisha can sing her ass off, but for some reason, I'm just not feeling her. She did a great job, and like the judges said, it was nice to see her doing something upbeat. But compared to Mindy Doo, who is her major competition vocally, she's not nearly as likeable. But can we mention the breasts? Holy Mary mother of Christ.

Chris Sligh: The Police, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"
Chris Sligh moves to the beat of a different drummer, and not in a good way. What a fucking mess that was. I guess Jesus doesn't favor Chris the way he favored Carrie Underwood.

Gina Glocksen: The Pretenders, "I'll Stand By You"
I've been in the minority with the Gina love, but I think she really pulled through tonight. That was awesome. Totally awesome. And I don't get the "smug" thing that everyone says about her. She seems genuine and really, really emotional. Which, despite my love for her, isn't very rockin'.

Sanjaya Malakar: No Doubt, "Bath Water"
Is this song really about sitting in someone's dirty bath water? Gross. Also, I firmly believe that Sanjaya is just fucking with us at this point. He may even have struck a deal with Howard Stern. Or Satan.

Haley Scarnato: Cyndi Lauper, "True Colors"
Wait, who is Haley Scarnato? Oh, that chick who dressed all slutty last week and is a less talented and less pretty Katharine McPhee? Right! Wait, she sang tonight? I barely remember.

Phil Stacey: The Police, "Every Breath You Take"
So the creepiest guy in the competition sang the creepiest song ever recorded. Which basically made the performance creepy squared. It doesn't even matter that he nailed it vocally – which he did – Blake has the confidence and Chris R. has the cute (Chris R.! Call me!) so Phil's days are numbered. I maintain that he's the best male vocalist in the competition, and admittedly that isn't saying much.

Melinda Doolittle: Donna Summer, "Heaven Knows"
Mindy Doo can do no wrong. I voted for her three times. She's small and oddly-shaped and missing a neck, but boy is she a joy to watch. And I didn't hate the outfit, Simon.

Blake Lewis: The Cure, "Love Song"
I am not at all impressed with Blake. I think he's gimmicky and he makes weird, constipated faces when he sings. And when I heard there was going to be a Cure song, and he started his beat-boxing shit, I was ready to throw down. The Cure is my second favorite band of all time, you see, second to only Pantera. But much to my dismay, Blake delivered. I actually quite enjoyed it. That fucker.

Jordin Sparks: No Doubt, "Hey Baby"
Jordin's right up there with Mindy Doo in terms of the likeability factor. And I thought this had some rough spots, but overall it was fun and I dug it. I also loved Gwen Stefani saying that she didn't realize how "musical" the song could be, meaning she didn't realize what it would sound like if someone who actually had a good voice sang it. Am I hating on Gwen Stefani? A little.

Chris Richardson: No Doubt, "Don't Speak"
Chris is adorable and I want to teach him the ways of love with an older woman, but seriously, he's way out of his league. And I don't understand why Randy and Paula keep heaping praise on him at all. And is it me, or did he look like he wanted to cry when Simon told him he sucked? There, there, Chris. Let mama give you a big hug and make it all better. Oh, and take off those pants.

And there you have it. Also, Gwen Stefani wasn't nearly as annoying as I thought she'd be, and Paul wasn't nearly as crazy as I hoped she'd be. Predictions: Bottom three – Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and Haley Scarnato. Going home? Haley. Should be going home? Sanjaya and his fauxhawk of gentle doom.

Top 12: The Recap

The Top 12 mangled, er, I mean sang the songs of one Ms. Diana Ross. Here's a rundown of tonight's mixed bag of crap and cool:

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Can't Hurry Love"
Um, did Brandon even sing tonight? 'Cause I don't remember it. Let's just go ahead and put Brandon in the Bottom Three, shall we?

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "Home"
Yet another masterful performance by the lovely Melinda. I love love LOVE the fact that she welled up when she heard the applause in the bigger auditorium. It genuinely and sincerely blew her away. What a moment for her! I'm glad she was given a little time to bask in it.

But do you know what I love even more? Paula had her first crying fit! This means some much-needed activity in The Scattergram.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Endless Love"
I didn't think it possible to make this song suck, but suck it did. I sort of understand why Chris tried to change it up since the judges have criticized contestants for not adding anything new and interesting when they dared tackle divas like Whitney, Mariah and Celine in the past. But dude, this was bad.

However, I don't know if I agree with blaming the contestants for the sorry arrangements, as was the recurring theme tonight. It seems Chris and the others had significant input but methinks Rickey Minor could have exerted some of his own influence a bit more to make the songs not, you know, suck balls.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Love Child"
I just knew she'd sing this song. I smelled it from a mile away. This is not a song just anyone should attempt. It demands passion, experience, depth and mileage that Gina just does not have. Barring that, it requires a set of brass ones and well, Gina does seem to be equipped in this regard.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"
Can we all please agree to stop voting for this kid? If not, we're going to have keep looking at gruesome images like this:

Stop the torture. Please. Seriously, stop.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Missing You"
Believe it or not, I'm going to side with Simon on this one... I don't think Haley screwed it up that bad tonight. Yeah, she forgot the words and got flustered but, for the first time, I detected a nice tone in her voice and she actually showed some personality after Simon complimented her. Personally, I think he overpraised her a little bit as a make-good for last week's "I don't remember your name" insult but still, she definitely improved over her previous performances. Even so, I think she's in the Bottom Three.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me"
Recapping Phil's performance would require me to think about him and when I do that, I have to go to a dark, scary place. And I don't wanna. Don't make me.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "God Bless the Child"
I liked this. I did not, however, like the dress. The vocal was really good but I couldn't really dig in and enjoy it fully because of that white mass on my TV screen. That dress was downright menacing.

Like, it was cool that Diana Ross offered LaKisha some wardrobe suggestions but I just wish she stressed one very important point in particular: White is not at all slimming, Kiki. Not.at.all.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "You Keep Me Hangin' On"
Uh, was I supposed to be all blown away by that? I know that's what Blake was going for and totally expecting. In fact, it looked like he was getting ready for a shower of effusive praise and flowing Paula tears but what he got instead was a rather tepid response.

No doubt he and Gina are moisturizing their chapped asses with lots of Vaseline tonight. Ew, that was a gross visual. Sorry.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "Love Hangover"
Stephanie's voice showed a smooth yet textured quality to it tonight that I hadn't detected before. I was waiting patiently for the tempo shift where she could really let rip but it never happened. Bummer because I think she could have finally established herself. Instead, I fear she's earned a spot in the Bottom Three.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "The Boss"
Okay, so his voice was all over the place and it kind of sucked. I don't care. He's still cute and I love him.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "If We Hold On Together"
Again, I'm with Simon. It was a "gooey" song but she made it work. And did I mention she's beautiful? And stunning? And lovely? It's official: I'm smitten. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy her flowers.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Brandon, Haley and Stephanie
Going Home: Brandon

Big Waste of Time

You know, I dutifully watch the boys perform week after week - and I am so bored and disappointed by them the whole thing is starting to feel like homework. Last night I literally did not start watching until almost nine so that I could fast forward through most of it- and while I was watching I was actually paying more attention to balancing my checkbook. I am not kidding.

I have nothing to say about any of them except that a few times during the show I wished that I was deaf. I did not vote for anyone. Not even Sanjaya. Can someone please tell me why he ironed his head?

Prediction?

I don't fucking care. Seriously. I'll take a guess and say that it will be Jared and Sanjaya. But again. I don't care at all.

And the chicks.

Jordin, Stephanie and Sabrina: Fine, swell whatever. Good job. Super. YO.

Gina: I still fucking HATE Gina. Enough with this shit already. She is not a rocker. She is not edgy. Someone needs to tell her that there is nothing LESS punk rock than being on American Idol. I am way more badass than her, and I am a goddamn accountant.

Haley: Thanks, Bye.

Lakisha: Awesome. As usual.

Melinda: Anyone who does not love this woman needs to be institutionalized. Period.

Predictions: Haley and Gina Glockenspiel


That's all for now. I am hoping that next week will bring me out of my funk. I am not feeling much for anyone besides Melinda Smalls.

Zzzz...Recap...Zzzz

I'm not going to do a full recap, because Curly covered it, but I will say that last night felt like watching a kindergarten talent show, where all the kids are ugly so you can't even enjoy it from a cuteness standpoint. That's not to say the boys are ugly. (Chris R.! Call me!) It's just to say that it was that painful.

Anyway, last night we got the opportunity to learn a little bit about all of our contestants. It was the usual, boring stuff, with the exception of Blake Lewis' "improv" character, Jimmy Walker Blue, which gave me nightmares. Here's what I learned about the contestants last night, not through their video confessions, but through the rest of the show.

Blake Lewis' favorite band is 311. Think about that for a moment, will you? 3-motherfucking-11. While I did like "All Mixed Up" back in the day, I'm not sure I'd call them a particularly solid band. In fact, I bought their CD because of that song, and thought, "Every single one of these songs sounds the same." Oh, wait! NOW I get it…

Sanjaya Malakar has more hair versatility than I do.

Pearl Jam apparently wronged Sundance Head in either this life or one previously.

If he chooses the right song, Chris Richardson is just as capable of boring the shit out of me as every other guy on the show!

Jared Cotter thinks that argyle is sexy.

In some circles, mostly those containing Simon Cowell and well, just Simon Cowell, Brandon Rogers is known almost exclusively as "Travis."

Phil Stacey isn't entirely sure how to correctly use the phrase, "grain of salt."

Chris Sligh just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?

I love how the judges started the show by over praising all the guys, and then couldn't even keep up with it and just sort of gave up because they're really that bad. Dial Idol's got Phil Stacey and Sundance Head in the bottom two, but I'm not buying it. I say bye bye to Jared Cotter and Brandon Rogers. I wish I was saying bye bye to Sanjaya and Sundance, though.

News, Predictions, Thoughts, etc.

Last night, we were lucky enough to watch 'Idol' at Mejack's, while we stuffed ourselves full of chips and dip and Chinese food and booze. Aside from Jared Cotter's boner, I barely remember the show. That may have been all the wine, though. My predictions: Nick Pedro and Jared Cotter. Before I get into the news, though, here are some other people's predictions:

Dial Idol says Nicolas Pedro and Brandon Rogers.

EW's Michael Slezak think it will be Nicolas Pedro and Sanjaya Malakar

AOL's poll has Sundance Head and Brandon Rogers at the bottom.

For the record, I think Sanjaya's cuteness, Sundance's um… whatever it is that makes people still root for him and Brandon's camera fucking will keep the three of them around for at least another week. And now, your news:

Some people are just OUTRAGED that Antonella Barba got photographed doing what she does best -- behaving like a porn star (Did you think I meant singing?) at a WWII memorial. Not to be all judgy, but I'm guessing they live in red states and have secret porn stashes. (WorldNetDaily)

Simon thinks whoever sold the pics of Antonella are 'despicable.' Hugh Hefner thinks they're 'sexy.' I bet we all know what our favorite Jersey girl will be doing when she gets voted off. Don't worry. We'll buy the Playboy and scan the pics in for your viewing pleasure until someone threatens to sue us. (Access Hollywood)

Taylor Hicks does not, in fact, make America proud, as his album sales slide way down the charts. (Post-Tribune)

If you ever go to a housewarming party for Chris Daughtry, bring razors and a bible. (People)

Jennifer Hudson's bolero from the center of the universe was not her fault. Also, oceans are a part of your world. Keep them clean. (Chocolate: The Magazine That's Better Than Sex That's really their tagline)

And finally, many of you want to know what Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Hudson wouldn't do that Carrie Underwood and Kellie Pickler did, thanks to the obnoxious and oft-repeated FOX promo last night. I thought it was anal, but it turns out I was wrong. It's thank 'Idol' for their success. Wait, Kellie Pickler's a "success"?