Results Recap

"9 to 5" medley: More awful dancing. The guys all sounded super weird singing it. The girls sounded okay, even Kristy Lee Cook. The contestants came off the stage to fondle the judges for awhile. God, I hate the medleys so much. They are painfully cheesy, and not kitschy cheesy, which I like. Just straight up Gouda.

Aside: I love Dolly Parton so, so much. She's a national treasure. I do miss her old face, though. I would also like to point out that a few weeks ago, I went over to Curly's for dinner, and we discussed Dollyweek. She said, "Who's going to sing "Jolene," and I predicted Brooke White." I also predicted Kristy Lee Cook would sing "9 to 5," but at least I got one right. Actually, she technically did, in the medley, so I am a physic phenomenon!

Michael Johns is… safe! And wearing a Dolly Parton T-shirt?

David Archuleta is… safe! I think it's safe to say David Archuleta could burp his next song and be safe.

Carly Smithson is… safe! And I can't decide if I think her yellow top is flattering or not. It's hard to pull off yellow if you're not Brooke White, because she is the sun in human form.

Commercial time. I have to see if my tater tots are done. And my tater tots are… not done!

I am not digging Seacrest's fauxhawk at all.

Call-in time! Haley, age 13, wants to know what Syesha misses most about her home life. Answer: hanging out with friends and family. This segment is so fucking boring. Robert, also age 13, wants to know what talent David Cook would like to have. Answer: organization -- he's a slob. I'm falling asleep here. Bill, age 26, wants to know who Randy, in all his skull-shirted glory, hasn't worked with. Answer: he'd like to work with the next American Idol! Kyle, age 17, wants to know what Michael Johns and David Cook want to sing on the tour. Answer: they haven't thought about it yet. Mary, age 52, has a question for Simon. Why does he feel it's necessary to apologize after a negative critique? Answer: Simon is officially off the hook! No apologies from now on.

The Clark Brothers sang, "This Little Light of Mine." Badly. The singer is a bizarro, less cute Jordan Catalano singing "I Want to be Sedated" after Rayanne choked and ran off the stage. Luckily my tots are done, and in case you were wondering, yes, I'm going to eat my tots, and no, you can't eat them.

Ford commercial. "It's Tricky," which I enjoy very much when I listen to my Clueless soundtrack. The Idol hopefuls are facing off with a bunch of black guys in basketball. Because black guys are good at basketball, duh. Not good enough to beat this group of skinny, multi-ethnic midgets, though! Just kidding. They aren't all midgets. Just some of them.

David Cook is… safe, healthy and sporting questionable hair.

Ramiele Malubay is… in the bottom three! And wearing a Britney T-shirt?

Kristy Lee Cook is… in the bottom three! And she brought some sort of note claiming her silver seat.

Past Idol update. Bucky moved to Nashville, got a record deal and has two singles out. Phil Stacey grew a beard, looks like my boyfriend now, and has a country album coming out soon. Bo Bice had three intestinal surgeries, took a year off, built a recording studio and put out an album getting back to his southern rock roots. He needs a haircut now more than ever. He's also a dad now, which he seems to enjoy.

Syesha Mercado is… safe! And wearing a Paula Abdul T-shirt?

Brooke White is… in the bottom three! Holy crap! My beloved Jason Castro is safe!

Ramiele is boob height to Kristy and Brooke. Heee.

Idol Gives Back time. An Ethiopian girl living in poverty was given a home and was separated from her sister. After searching, she found her, and their reunion was really touching. They're both off the streets now and in a shelter.

Dollytime! Singing "Jesus and Gravity" from her new album "Backwoods Barbie." LOVE. She is wearing the craziest outfit EVER, and it is awesome because it's Dolly. She looks like a bride at a wedding at a retirement community for active seniors in Boca Raton, Florida whose next door neighbor from Texas, Betty Jo, took a look at her white capri pants and cape and said, "It's nice, Dolly, but it needs more pizzazz! Let me get my Bedazzler!" And then they drank white wine spritzers and spent the night bedazzling and gossiping about Martha down the hall, who is a TOTAL SLUT. And Jordin Sparks and Holly Robinson Peete fucking loved every second of it. Speaking of crazy outfits, Paula Abdul has some sort of weird cutouts on her shiny blouse. She looks like a Russian stripper.

Results time. Randy predicts Ramiele is out. Simon predicts it won't be Brooke. Brooke is emotional and can't stop talking. Brooke is… safe! And Kristy Fucking Lee Fucking Cook is safe AGAIN. I shake my fist at Vote for the Worst. Which means that Ramiele is going bye-bye. I'm not sad, because she showed so much promise early on and then never really delivered, and if I learned anything from my parade of shitty ex-boyfriends, it's that you can't fall in love with someone's potential. She's young, though, she'll be fine. And successful. She pulled herself together to do a decent sing-out, which I always like to see.

Top Chef time, kiddies. Stay tuned for a news update later this week.

Wednesday News Update and Predictions

Phil Stacey May Be Going to Iraq
Phil Stacey may be going off to Iraq instead of to the Idols Live tour this summer, the Los Angeles Times says. It’s kind of a non-story, because no one confirmed it. I’m more concerned with the fact that Phil’s Navy rock band is called “Pride,” which seems awfully wimpy for a band that is composed of military guys who play rock music. (National Ledger)

Jessica Sierra Will Cut a Bitch
Season 4 flunkie Jessica Sierra is being sued by a man who claims she gashed his head after hurling a cocktail glass at him. Sierra claims she thought he was someone who had spit in her face. She was charged with aggravated assault and cocaine possession. She was just holding the coke for someone, though. The jokes for this story write themselves, so I’ll refrain. (WOAI)

Amanda Coluccio Makes Music
Taking a page out of BFF Antonella Barba’s playbook, the season 6 contestant is making “sexy” music on MySpace, complete with “sexy” pics. In other news, should Amanda and Antonella not make it in the music industry (like that’s even possible), they’ll have a great future starring in lesbian porn together. (Buddy TV)

Bo Bice and, uh, Anthrax?
Anthrax members Scott Ian (aka my future husband) and Frankie Bello will jam with Bo Bice this Friday at Retox, the rock bar co-owned by Ian in NYC this Friday. I will be on a bus to Schenectady for Mother’s Day instead of at the show, crying. (93X Rocks)

And for my predictions, Blake and Kiki in the bottom two with Kiki going home. And I’m also predicting Jordin to win the whole damn thing.

The Top 6 Results

Wow, I think I may have a drinking problem. My productivity has taken a hit and I'm making excuses as well as promises of recaps I can't possibly keep. However, The Lovely Jess came through with your weekly fix so get off my back, yo. Seriously, there's a Riesling-flavored monkey already on it and there's simply not room for all of you.

The monkey stays, bitches.

And now the housekeeping portion of the post...

According to the results of our poll, the readers of American Midol correctly predicted tonight's outcome: Phil and Chris hit the bricks. However, I'm a dumb ass and forgot to turn off the voting before the live show began ('cause I'm overly fond of the drink) and when I last checked the results during the "legal" time frame, y'all had LaKisha pegged for extinction along with Chris. So if we're going to go the integrity route, you're only half right. But fuck integrity and dignity, congrats on your accuracy.

Bummer about Chris though. I mean, really, how hot is he?!

Hubba hubba. Here's one mug, however, that I won't be sad to see leave:

And since I didn't post a proper recap as promised, whiny ones, here's some choice shots from last night's show:

I don't know why but LaKisha reminds me of Patrick from "SpongeBob SquarePants" in this photo. Maybe it's because she's so very blobby and triangular. Perhaps I'm off-base but methinks LaKisha should refrain from ever wearing shorts with a tropical pattern -- Jams, if you will -- just the same.

Here's Blake and his "old man mouth" (full credit for that brilliant description goes to Melissa McGee) in all its glory:

And, lastly, here's a little bit of low-tech animation of Melinda Doolittle doing her best to rock the devil prongs. This makes me adore her even more.

Bye, Chris. I'll miss you. Oh and psst... call Jess. As for you Phil, may you finally rest in peace.

Top 6 Recap

This week was all Bon Jovi, all the time. And I couldn't have been happier. Well, maybe a Slayer week would make me happier, in theory, but then it would make me sad, because Blake would beatbox to "South of Heaven," and my world as I know it would lose all meaning. Ahem.

Jon Bon Jovi is still smoking hot, and like all the mentors who came before him, he wants the Idolbees to tell a story. First up is Phil Stacey, and he's singing "Blaze of Glory." JBJ loves him fiercely, as do I. I started out a Phil fan, then he sucked for a really long time, but now he's back and I'm back on board. Also, how does Vote for the Worst deal when the "worst" is actually good? Food for thought.

Next up in Jordin Sparks, and she’s singing "Living on a Prayer" and my first thought is "oh no." And then starts singing, and my second thought is "oh no," followed by "ouch." Not good, J-Spo. Not good t'at all.

Lakisha Jones is up next, and she’s singing "This Ain't a Love Song," which I've never heard before. And while she obviously didn't go outside her comfort zone (which no one took her to task for, and perhaps they should have), she was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that Simon slipped her a little tongue post-performance. Okay, he didn't, but he did kiss her. On the lips. And then slip her some tongue. Maybe.

Next up is Blake Lewis. JBJ talks about the huge risk he's taking with "You Give Love a Bad Name," which means he’s going to beatbox, which means JBJ hates it, and I'm going to hate it, too. And I do. I'm not really sure what Bon Jovi did to Blake personally, but clearly he's seeking revenge. And here's the thing that gets me the most. If Blake had actually sung the song, and remember this is, in fact, a singing competition, I would have loved it. The parts where he actually sang? Blew me away. I had no idea he had that much power. He could have rocked it, but instead he ruined it. Dumbass. And his dye job killed whatever bit of cuteness he still had left. And when Paula said that she saw a "twinkle" in JBJs eyes as he talked about the song, I think what she really meant was "shame" and "dread."

When Chris Richardon told us he'd be singing, "Dead or Alive," I thought "noooooo." I expected runs all over the place, and dude, you can't Timberlake up Bon Jovi. But he was actually ... good. He traded in his nasally bullshit for a raspy thing that TOTALLY WORKED. And now when Chris and I finally do get naked and have sex with one another, I won't feel bad about it, because he's really not a terrible singer.

Melinda Doolittle is up last with "Have a Nice Day." And she's awesome! I mean, there isn't really anything to say about her vocals, because they're always flawless, but homegirl brought the attitude. And it was also adorable when she tried to do the devil horns. I voted for her three times.

And then George and Laura Bush closed the show, thanking the American people for doing what they should be doing, but aren't doing, and they don't even see the irony of it all.

Bottom three: Chris, Phil, LaKisha
See ya later: Chris (No really, Chris. Call me. I'd like to see you later.) and Lakisha

The Top 6 Recap: Delayed Gratification

So you know that little Riesling habit I seem to have developed on Tuesday nights in recent months? Well, it usually provides the fuel for a good bitchy recap but tonight it's acting more like a sleep aid. A very potent and effective sleep aid.

Sadly, my buzz never quite took tonight. I went straight from sobriety to being a preachy drunk -- a yawning, preachy drunk, to be precise. Just ask Jess. I just got off the phone with her and our call ended with yet another of my patented (and admittedly tired) anti-Rosie O'Donnell rants. And dude, she wasn't even on the show. What brought that on? Poor Jess. At least I didn't get on my kick about the importance of unions and organized labor. It's a problem, you see...

Anyhoo, I took notes and pictures tonight and both are within arm's reach but I don't have the energy to craft them into something snotty at this hour. Tomorrow, most definitely but until then, I'm off to bed. But first, I'm going to leave you with a prediction for the Bottom Three based on the results of our latest poll: LaKisha, Chris and Phil.

Personally, I think after tonight's performance, LaKisha bought herself an extra week (or more, possibly). My girl Jordin tanked tonight and may have finally earned herself a spot at the bottom of the barrel. So for the Bottom Three, I'm going to say Jordin, Phil and Chris. Going home... it could be Chris. Or Phil. Oh, I don't know. I'll have firm answer after a good night's sleep and my first extra-large cup of coffee. Stay tuned.

Friday News Update

Idol Gives Back a Buttload of Dough
30 million dollars, to be exact. And I'm not sure why Ryan Seacrest didn't mention it, but we here at American Midol have decided to match the funds raised! Pay up, Curly. Seriously, though, that’s awesome. (Gulf Times)

The King is Still Dead
I know – I really thought that was Elvis, too. The technical term for how they did that is rotoscoping. I thought it was some Star Wars hologram shit, but what do I know? (ABC News)

Simon Says, "Come Back To Me!"
Simon Cowell admitted to missing Sanjaya Malakar this week. And this, my friends, concludes my nonsexual love affair with Simon Cowell. (The Post Chronicle)

Pro-Lifers Poo-Poo on Everything
Pro-life groups are not happy with the charities "Idol Gives Back" has decided to donate money to, namely UNICEF and Save the Children, because they support abortion rights. They’ve even started a letter writing campaign. How very Christian of them. (Life News)

Momjaya: Pothead, Criminal
Sanjaya Malakar's mom was busted in 2005 for growing a whole bunch of pot plants. Sister Shyamali is apparently also a pothead, which would explain the naked guitar playing. Ah, how I miss my college days. (TMZ)

Paul Abdul, Unfugged!
The Fug girls say, "Well played!" I say, cute shoes, but I’m not loving the ruffle.

Phil Stacey is the Worst
With Sanjaya gone, Phil Stacey moves into the VFTW slot. Personally, I'd put Chris Richardson in there, despite his uber-adorableness (Chris, call me!), but I don't run the site.

And if you missed Sanjaya Malakar on Letterman this week, you missed all the, uh, fun, I guess.

Top 6: The Toothless Recap

In tonight's episode, the Top 6 performed songs of compassion and hope in celebration of Idol Gives Back. Normally I'd roll my eyes at such cheese but well, I can't do that since Idol Gives Back is a noble effort and in the spirit of this worthy and generous cause, I'm dialing back the snark to zero tonight. Rest assured, I'll be back and overflowing with piss and vinegar next week. Until then, here's tonight's rundown:

Chris Richardson
Performed "Change the World" by Eric Clapton

I didn't dig it but the judges did. (I warned you this was toothless.)

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "There Will Come a Day" by Faith Hill

I didn't like the song but Melinda sang it well. The judges went batshit over it yet again and I began to detect a judging pattern.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Imagine" by John Lennon

Simon described Blake's rather bland performance as "sensitive." And he wasn't being the least bit haughty about it! Uh yup, I'm definitely not the only one who feels too guilty to pooh-pooh the performances tonight. Polite overpraise was the theme of the evening.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "I Believe" by Fantasia

Wow, the first performer to get across-the-board criticism tonight. Also, I think it's the first time in the history of Idol where a performer had the audacity to sing songs by past winners TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. LaKisha already tread on Jennifer Hudson's turf early in the competition so it's particularly noticeable now. Hmmm... I wonder if she'll dip into the Jasmine Trias songbook next week... if there IS a next week for KiKi.

Phil Stacey
Performed "The Change" by Garth Brooks

Simon was downright syrupy while heaping his "I like yous" on Phil tonight. I needed to go brush my teeth afterwards what with all the sugar and my usual Phil-inspired vomiting. Okay, so that was slightly snarky. I couldn't resist.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "You'll Never Walk Alone" from the musical, Carousel

It started out wobbly but it got solid towards the end but again, I wasn't as jazzed as the judges seemed to be. Even so, I'm zipping it... for now.

Predictions
Bottom Three: LaKisha, Blake and Phil
Going Home: LaKisha

Monday News Update

So I kinda I blew off Friday's news update and I never bothered to update The Official Paula Scattergram. Yeah, I kinda suck. Anyhoo, the latter is coming soon and the former is... well, do you really care at this point? It's old by now. Move on.

Here are today's headlines:

It's Official: Phil Stacey Is the Worst
It took a website to tell us this? I've been saying this for weeks, bitches. (Vote for the Worst)

Sanjaya Delivers Tonight's Top 10 List on 'Letterman'
Nope, the shock of his meteoric rise/fall/newfound fame still hasn't worn off. I need more time. (Orlando Sentinel)

Sanjaya Did D.C.
Global warming, schmobal warming -- it was Karl Rove's impassioned defense and feverish voting for Sanjaya that set Sheryl Crow off. (People)

Ellen DeGeneres to Host 'Idol Gives Back'
Ellen promises to give Paula a run for her money what with all the rambling anecdotes, non-sequiturs and sporadic fits of dancing. At least it ain't Rosie. (CBS News)

Celine & Elvis to Perform Duet... Yes, I Said Celine & Elvis to Perform a Duet. I Shit You Not
It's far too creepy and sacrilegious for me to give it an ounce more thought so I won't. (TMZ)

Part 7 Recap: The Sequel

My esteemed colleague, The Lovely Jess, already brought you her take on the evening's song stylings so I'm going to blow through tonight's lineup focusing less on the vocals and more on what is undeniably my strong suit: shallow snap judgments. As Randy would say, it's in my wheelhouse, dawg.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Where the Black Top Ends" by Keith Urban
Wow, I hate country music and well, this didn't suck. Phil's attire, however, did. Seriously, he needs to stop with the skinny jeans/oversized button-down shirt combo.

Oh, and again with the "I love you" sign language?! (Thanks for pointing that out, Bubbajane). So what, Phil is now courting the deaf vote? He should really leave that to Sanjaya, no?

Jordin Sparks
Performed "A Broken Wing" by Martina McBride
Wow, dude, that takes balls to sing a song by the mentor. That could have easily stooped to Blake-Sings-Marc-Anthony territory but girlfriend brought it home this week. That was not brown-nosing. That was bad ass. Although, the outfit? Was that from the Wonder Woman Evening Wear Collection? Jordin, I can't possibly continue to crush on you when you dress like this. Go see Jess about some image pointers NOW. Please and thank you.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt
Clearly Sanjaya was both competing in American Idol and simultaneously auditioning for membership in the Nashville Bloods with tonight's get-up:

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood
Notice that Kiki's titties were nowhere to be seen tonight. It's 'cause she was singing about Jesus, y'all. Understandable modesty. But really, What Would Jesus Say About Those Gold Lamé Boots? (WWJSATGLB)

Chris Richardson
Performed "Mayberry" by Rascal Flats
As cute as he is, Chris is getting hard to root for what with the flat notes, the bobbing and weaving dance moves (even during country week!) and his impassioned defense of nasally vocals. Still, he looked adorable and I don't mind keeping him around for some eye candy.

God, I really am the worst lesbian ever.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Trouble Is a Woman" by Julie Reeves
I have nothing to say that other than her usual masterful performance, Melinda looked fabulous and age appropriate tonight. Behold!

Blake Lewis
Performed "When the Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw
Whoa! I actually knew this song. Then again, my exposure to it is both through The Corrs and Ryan Adams, NOT Tim McGraw. But whatever, Blake didn't fuck it up with his usual "isms" as Paula called them and I can't shit on him this week. Let's see how long this stay of execution lasts.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Chris Richardson, LaKisha Jones and Phil Stacey
Going Home: Hmm... it could be Chris but I think Phil's reached his expiration date. In fact, he's been smelling for weeks but it's high time to ditch him.

Top 7 Recap

Well folks, we made it through country week. Martina McBride was kind of awesome. She gave them really good feedback, and she has very pretty eyes. Anyway, here's what I thought of the contestants. I'll add in song titles later when they get posted somewhere.

Phil Stacey
I agreed with the judges that Phil seemed in his element this week and finally showed a little personality. Homeboy's been all doom and gloom for weeks. I do maintain that Phil is the best male vocalist on the show, and I also maintain that it isn't really saying much. His lower register (Term #32 I learned on Idol) is still a little rough, but his big notes are awesome. Now if only he could stop being so fucking creepy.

Jordin Sparks
She was awesome. And I'm not going to gush about how SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN because the judges, especially Randy, can't stop gushing about the fact that SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. But damn, people. SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. (Cue Winger and give the mic to Curly)

Sanjaya Malakar
Sanjaya makes me wish I were Helen Keller, although I think even Helen Keller could have detected a whiff of suckage emanating from her television screen.

LaKisha Jones
I actually kind of liked Kiki rendition of "Jesus Takes the Wheel." I mean, I think the song is ridiculous, due partly to the fact that I'm a godless heathen, and partly to the fact that if you're in a car, barreling to your death, turning it over to Jesus is kind of a last resort, you know? There are things you should maybe give a try first. If I were Jesus I'd tell that bitch to stop being so fucking lazy and keep those hands on the wheel. But I thought LaKisha brought a lot of emotion to it, and I didn't think it was nearly as shouty as the judges did.

Chris Richardson
Oh, Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. Nasally is NOT a vocal style, it is a vocal shortcoming. And don't talk back to Simon. Just don't. It makes you look like an ass. An adorable ass, to be sure (Chris, call me!) but an ass nonetheless. Also, the singing was horrendous.

Melinda Doolittle
Mindy Doo looked hot! And she sounded great, and she brought energy and attitude and she's slowly losing the "aw shucks" thing, which is only going to win her more fans. I'll be voting for her multiple times as soon as I finish this recap

Blake Lewis
God help me – I actually liked that. Like, a lot. I'm not changing my stance on Blake. I still think he's smarmy and cocky and way full of himself. But I couldn't hate that, and believe me, I tried.

Overall, I didn't find it as painful as I usually find country week. It didn't blow me away, but it was bearable. What I did find painful, though, was the ill-timed, awkward mentions about the Virginia Tech shooting. I appreciate the sentiment, of course, as I'm sure everyone did, but it felt really forced and weird. Like, Ryan says something right before energetically kicking off the show? And Chris mentioning it right after Simon rips him apart? And the judges all mumble about it when they're supposed to be critiquing Blake's performance? I'm not heartless – I've gotten choked up several times watching and reading the news, and I find the whole thing devastating. I guess I just don't really feel like American Idol is the best platform for that kind of commentary.

Now, let me get back to what I do best – being a raging bitch. (See? Transition = awkward) Here's your news:

Sanjaya is a Fashion Plate
Fanjayas are flocking to H&M to pick up the white suit he wore two weeks ago. In other news, the Idol wardrobe budget is around $17.50.

More Idol Sex Tapes
Olivia Mojica? Who? We at American Midol are waiting until there's a scandal-free week and Sanjaya gets voted off to release our sex tapes – gotta keep traffic going somehow. I have an A.M. call with Vivid Entertainment. I'll keep you posted.

Carrie Underwood is a Winner
Okay, I take back what I said about Carrie's relationship to Jesus. Clearly he's on her side, as she picked up three more honors at the Country Music Awards. She better ask Jesus to build her an addition on the house so she has a place to put all those statues.

And now, predictions:
Bottom three: Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and (wishful thinking) Sanjaya Malakar.
Going home: Ciao, Phil.

Thursday News Update

J. Lo: That Was Harsh, Yo
It seems Jennifer Lopez didn't think Simon's critique of Haley Scarnato's ever-shrinking wardrobe was very nice. Of course, this is also coming from a woman whose less-than-modest wardrobe choices revolutionized the use of double-sided tape. Hit a nerve, Jenny? (People)

TMZ Goes Inside 'Idol'
The venerable gossip site scored some tickets to this week's show and filed a report on what happened on-camera and off. Why should you care? Two words: Donna Mills. (TMZ)

Season 2 Sex Tape Scandal!
Season Two contestant Olivia Mojica and her boyfriend recorded some of their hot monkey sex and the tape is making the rounds. The only shocking and/or noteworthy thing about this? I have no recollection whatsoever of Olivia. None. However, people will no doubt Google her and I'm a whore for search term traffic so into the news update she goes. Welcome, horny Googlers! (TMZ)

The Truth about Haley's Gams
The long-legged purveyor of suck would like us to believe that her spectacular legs benefit from a bit of the old Max Factor magic. Oh shut up, Haley. Your legs are your one true talent. Embrace 'em and flaunt 'em 'cause your singing sure as hell ain't getting you anywhere. MEE-ow! (EW)

Sanjaya's Sweet Lord
Did you know that Sanjaya's family are former Hare Krishnas? You know, come to think of it, I thought I saw him rocking a tambourine in an airport once. Oh, and he was also poor or some shit like that. Read on. (The Post Chronicle)

Holy Rollers Rejoice that a Dirty Heathen Got the Heave-ho
Hallelujah and praise be! Haley has rejoined Satan in the Ninth Circle of Hell while the Bible Thumpers, Phil Stacy and Jordin Sparks, survived another week. Praise Jesus and pass the collection plate for their prayers have been answered. It's good to know the Son of God is focusing on what really matters. (The Christian Post)

Results Show Sort-Of Recap

Apologies for the slacking. I got a new job and, well, that shit is time consuming, yo.

I didn't think Phil Stacey's creep factor was a match for Haley Scarnato's gams, but hey, I've been wrong before. Besides, we all knew it wasn't going to be Sanjaya. I do have some questions, though:

1) Is Akon the new house band?

2) Did anyone else think it was "feel that passion" and not "percussion" in "Turn the Beat Around"?

3) Despite numerous reports of the souls-of-children-eating-shrew vaiety, how is Jennifer Lopez awesome on so many levels? And also, I may not sleep tonight based on the fact that I just said that.

Next week, when the life calms down a bit, I promise to be back on my bitchiest form.

Top 8: The Recap

Welcome to Latin Week, or as I like to call it: The Tribute to Santana and Gloria Estefan. Apparently, judging by this week's song selections, the only exposure this crop of contestants had to so-called Latin music was at the dentist's office or in elevators.

Oh and I totally take back what I said about J.Lo yesterday because she was actually a thoughtful and helpful mentor. I'm big enough to admit when I've been a beaver. Just don't any of you jump on the bandwagon 'cause I'll cut a bitch. I so will. Seriously, don't try me.

Okay, enough with the idle threats and on with the show...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Sway"
As always, I thought Melinda did a fine job with this. Yes, she lacked a smoldering passion but there's only so much heat one can exude when completely devoid of a neck.

Also, I didn't dig Simon jumping all over her tonight. I thought it had less to do with the quality of her performance and more to do with the fact that he wanted to finally rag on her after all this time. Not nice, Simon. Not nice. Point that vitriol at Blake. Boyfriend needs to be taken down a notch or twelve.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Conga" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
OMG, I hated this. Then again, I hate the Gloria Estefan version of this song so LaKisha was up shit's creek from the get-go. Even Paula pooped on it in that way that only Paula can, "First, you look lovely..." and then she went to repeat various iterations of the phrase "safe performance" more times than I can remember. Translation: You sucked balls, Kiki.

Oh, and again with trotting out the gigantic titties! Check these out:

I guess LaKisha figures if bare legs are keeping Haley around, she might as well flaunt her congas, er, I mean cans. I mean breasts. Yes, breasts.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Smooth" by Santana
Oh man, Chris, why'd you have to go and ruin it for me? I was loving you so much and then you had to drag Rob Thomas into it. That's unforgivable and you deserve to be punished. Go see Jess for a spanking.

Haley Scarnato
Performed "Turn the Beat Around" by Gloria Estefan
She sucked, yadda, yadda, yadda. I can't keep coming up with new ways to say this so I won't even try. Instead, here's the requisite hoochie mama shot of Haley and her legs for all you dirty Googlers:

Phil Stacey
Performed "Maria, Maria" by Santana
J.Lo said Phil gave her goose pimples. Not to be outdone, I want you all to know that Creepy Phil makes me shit my pants at least once a week.

Also, Phil doesn't know how to count. His assigned number this week was "5" and lookie how many digits he's holding up during his "appeal."

Good, more votes for Chris Richardson, even though he broke my heart with his Matchbox 20 association.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
Yet another song I detest. But I do find it promising that Jordin, when asked by a viewer what theme she'd pick for an upcoming show, stated 80s music as her choice. With the exception of Gloria Estefan and that ilk, I adore the 80s music. I think it's a sign.

Jordin, I'll spin you right 'round like a record, baby, round round. I'll stop the world and melt with you. I want you to want me. When a problem comes around, we must whip it. We got the beat and, uh, I've got Bette Davis eyes. Actually, I don't but it sounded good and oh, fuck it. I'm drunk. I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Need to Know" by Marc Anthony
The minute he announced his song choice I yelled, "Ass kisser!" Way to brownie up to the mentor, Blake.

Much to my chagrin, Randy and Simon called it a great song choice and best of the night. Paula stated that the performance "captured the essence of who you are." To which I yelled, "Yeah, a tremendous douche bag copycat!"

I was doing a lot of yelling at the screen tonight. Again, I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Besame Mucho"
Is it just me or did Sanjaya look just like El DeBarge tonight?

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... LaKisha Jones are in the Bottom Three. Phil, pack your coffin and go.

Top Nine or Something.

In my life I have had no choice but to love Tony Bennett. Not only was he a nice Italian boy from Queens but in the minds of my elders (my Brooklyn Italian grandmother and her sixteen thousand sisters) he is regarded nearly as highly as Sinatra- who, in their minds, ranked second only to The Pope in terms of reverence and devotion. I grew up listening to Tony Bennett as well as many of the masters of American standards. I am not ashamed to admit that I absolutely love this type of music. I listen to the 40's station on XM radio ad nauseum and I proudly list Judy Garland and Ethel Merman among my friends on myspace. Needless to say, I was looking forward to seeing "Ant'ny"(as Grandma used to call him. She called them all by their full names. Francis Sinatra. You get it) I was, however, nervous to see how this group of clowns did with these songs- and after watching I can see that my fears were fully justified. Seriously I am so not into this seasons contestants. Not at all. So here it is.

Blake: Now, Mack The Knife is one of my all time favorite songs. Ever. I think it was pretty bold of Blake to choose this song as it has been covered by every one of the greats. I think he did alright but I was honestly disappointed that he did not do any kind of beatboxing because it would have been interesting to see how it played out. All in all he was alright and I don't see him leaving anytime soon. Oh- and Blake -Ducky Dale just called to challenge you to a plaid pants-off. Seriously. Find some new threads Daddy-o.

Phil: Dude. A goatee. Headband. Earmuffs. ANYTHING. Something to break the monotony of that shiny ball of flesh that is perched atop your neck.

Melinda: Super. Great. She wins. We know.

Chris: I still say that his whole thing is trying (operative word trying) to bite Justin Timberlake...even down to the hat...but he did alright last night. I actually surprised myself by mustering a bit of affection for the lad- then I stabbed myself in the arm with nail scissors.

Jordin: I hate that song. I don't know if she did it well or not because I can't stand that song. I am sure she did fine though.

Gina: While watching her all I could think of was a line from Chris Rock's "No Sex In The Champagne Room" where he said where he said: "If a girl has a pierced tongue - she'll probably suck your dick". I usually don't think of that when I see a tongue ring- as many of my peepys have them, but between the tongue ring and her nearly flashing her hooha on national television in front of millions, I am worried about the example being set for the youth of our nation. That, people, is why I think she should be voted off. It has nothing to do with that I fucking hate her and think she sounds like an 8th grader singing at a junior high talent show. It is for the welfare of our children that I implore America to vote that cunt off the show. Thank you.

Sanjaya: pass

Haley: I can't think of anything to say except that in my lifetime, I hope to never again see mint green sequins.

Lakisha: I echo Jess' sentiment that I hope she mixes it up soon. She is undoubtedly a very, very good singer but it is starting to seem monotonous.

Predictions: Bottom three- Phil, Haley and Chris. Going bye-bye? I think Haley's time has come.

mejack OUT!

Top 9: The Recap (And Poll)

Crikey that was dull. Here's your recap, and don't forget to take the poll.

Blake Lewis: 'Mack the Knife'
I don't know this song, so I can't say what kind of justice Blake did this, but it nearly put me to sleep. I think Blake might actually be in a little of trouble this week, because they tell me Chris Richardson, who is vastly cuter than Blake, did a great job and I think they share a demographic in terms of who votes for them. More on Chris later.

Phil Stacey: 'Night and Day'
Oh, Phil. Phil. I love your voice, and I love this song, and I was expecting magic. I was not expecting wanting to kill myself because the world is such a cold, hard place afterward. Please, Phil, if you last another week, pick a better song.

Melinda Doolittle: 'I've Got Rhythm'
I hate this song. HATE IT. But Mindy Doo pulled it off, as always. I really, really want to see her step outside of her comfort zone at some point, though, because I know she can pull it off and it might differentiate her from Kiki, which she really needs to do, stat.

Chris Richardson: 'Don't Get Around Much Anymore'
Another song I don't know. As y'all know, I think Chris is adorable and it pains me to say this, but I just don't think he's a very good singer. And I don't get why the judges lavish so much praise on him. He can perform, sure, but the voice? It's just not there for me, dawg.

Jordin Sparks: 'On a Clear Day'
She rocked this. I'll let Curly do the gushing on this one. That said, I think she needs a longer length in the jacket. That outfit made her hips look ginormous, and they aren't.

Gina Glocksen: 'Smile'
I wish Gina had showed a little more emotion with this. I mean, the girl's usually a big pile of tears and feelings. What happened? I hope she makes it through, though, and rocks it next week like she did last week. Also, quoth the boyfriend, who watched with me, "I don't know if she should be sitting like that in that dress." She was dangerously close to flashing us some girly bits. Speaking of girly bits… Oh wait, no. Sanjaya's next, not Hayley.

Sanjaya Malakar: 'Cheek to Cheek'
I mean, really, what is there to say about that? Bad vocals, bad hair, great comment by Simon (Let's try a different tactic: That was incredible), bad response by Sanjaya (Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya!). On the bright side, he's clearly in on the joke, and that's kind of funny.

Haley Scarnato: 'Ain't Misbehavin'
Dear Haley: When you decide that your winning strategy is to change your look from white wine spritzers out on the lanai to woman of ill-repute, you can't get all bajiggity when all the comments you get are, "Green's a good color for you" (Paula) and "You've got great legs" (Simon). You are begging everyone to check out your body -- you should be thankful to Paula and Simon for pointing it out for the partially blind people that missed your cleavage and hemline.

Lakisha Jones: 'Stormy Weather'
I guess this was good, but I'm getting a little bored of LaKisha. Like Melinda, I want to see her do something different. I want to know what she's capable of. Mix it up a little, Kiki.

My predictions: Phil, Haley and Blake (or Gina) in the bottom 3. Going home: Phil. Home to a beating that his wife has been waiting to give him ever since he missed the birth of their child to audition. Now, kindly share your thoughts:

Who's Going Home?
	Blake Lewis
	Phil Stacey
	Melinda Doolittle
	Chris Richardson
	Jordin Sparks
	Gina Glocksen
	Sanjaya Malakar
	Haley Scarnato
	LaKisha Jones
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Results Show Recap

D'oh! My record for predicting cast-offs is no longer flawless. So long, Chris Sligh. I knew you were on your way out but I thought you had at least one more week in you. Alas, Haley Scarnato and her long legs tripped us both up.

Sigh... where's Jeff Gillooly when you need him?

Haley caused another stumble of sorts. Such a troublemaker, that one. Before throwing to a commercial, Ryan informed us that we'd find out who would join "Phil and Stacey" in the Bottom Three after the break. Later, Ryan corrected his mistake just as some dumb ass in the control room switched to a REALLY bad live shot thereby casting Hayley and a few others in an awkward light thereby making the correction null and void...

Not exactly crisp, precise production values tonight, huh?

Actually, while I'm on the subject, does the show really hate Haley or something? Did you catch Ryan's bitchy fake out when the Bottom Three were assembled? Ryan announced that he was about to send someone to safety. "HALEY," he said emphatically, leading her -- and us -- to believe that she was getting the pass back to safety. "You'll have to stand there another moment. Phil, you're safe." Meow, Ryan. MEEE-OW!

And then, as Simon predicted, Chris got the boot and I felt a little twinge of sadness because even though he started to bug me in recent weeks, he really was a nice fella. I actually paid attention to his tribute montage thingy (whilst plugging my ears so as not to hear that crap ass Daughtry song) because Chris was actually an entertaining contestant at one point. And then somewhere along the line, he got swallowed up by the show and the pressure that comes with it. The boy clearly lost his spark. I can't say for certain but I almost think that Chris is relieved his run is over and so he can go back to being chubby, cracking wise and worshipping Jesus (not necessarily in that order).

Gwen Stefani sounded much better live than I was anticipating. I still recall a particularly heinous rendition of "Spider Web" she performed on the MTV Video Awards some years back. She was so busy jumping around the stage, she became winded and ended up sounding like crap. However, now she makes silent Japanese girls do all the dancing for her so her voice doesn't get all ragged and screamy.

And because it seems no recap would be complete without at least some mention of Sanjaya or his hair, here's Ryan predictably getting in on the act...

Seriously, does anyone know how I can get a hold of Gillooly?

Top 10 Recap II: Electric Boogaloo

Even though Jess already brought you all a killer recap and we agree on many, many points (two huge ones in particular, both belonging to LaKisha), there are a few issues on which we part ways. Without further ado, here's my take on the proceedings:

Wow, is it just me or is Gwen Stefani a bit of a social retard when she's not on stage singing and thrashing about in ridiculous outfits most of us with good vision and a shred of self-respect wouldn't be caught dead in?

Perhaps she was the victim of editing but in her interactions with the Top 10, Gwen didn't seem all that warm nor engaged with the contestants. Lulu was totally eating that shit up last week and she sent the girls on their way with sound advice and a shot of confidence whereas Gwen showed little-to-no interest in shepherding them. Maybe Gwen was just bummed that the finalists weren't Japanese and she couldn't exploit their culture and dress them in slutty Catholic school uniforms.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Last Dance" by Donna Summer
That was good but not all that compelling. LaKisha's proven herself as a powerhouse vocalist but her performance was sort of mechanical and devoid of emotion. The most memorable thing about LaKisha tonight? THOSE BREASTS. LaKisha ain't really my type but oooh lawdy, I wouldn't mind setting up play date with those girls.

Chris Sligh
Performed "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police
Chris is really starting to get under my skin. When he stands before the judges, he has a tendency to be too agreeable when they criticize him. I know I took him to task for the Teletubbies crack in the early rounds, but really, I prefer the smart-ass Chris over the current version any day.

Now he just nods and agrees with everything the judges say in between making excuses and explaining his choices. He also occasionally affects a look that says, "Look at me absorbing and pondering what the judges are saying." And good God, he even scratches his chin sometimes! I know he's trying to be the good guy but it's kind of gross, actually. Bring back the old Chris. Now.

Gina Glocksen
Performed "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders
Gina done good. Even though I've pissed on her quite a bit this season, I will give credit where credit is due. Was it a showstopper of Carrie-Underwood-Singing-"Alone" proportions? Well, no, but Gina turned in a memorable performance just the same.

The judges all went gaga over Gina and even crotchety Simon lavished her with praise. "Your transformation from three or four weeks ago to tonight is literally chalk and cheese," Cowell stated.

Because Randy is a barely functional retard with a vocabulary limited to about twelve words and phrases, he couldn't wrap his compromised brain around Simon's phrase so he sat there squawking and belaboring an unfunny exchange with Ryan Seacrest about pairing wine with cheese, not chalk, or some stupid shit like that.

While it's not an expression I've ever uttered, I did the rather rudimentary math and figured it out. It's a pretty quick conversion if you have, say, one functioning brain cell. Randy's just a dumb ass. However, if you're similarly stumped, click here to figure out what Simon meant.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Bath Water" by No Doubt
Not even wasting my time with a critique of that bullshit. Instead, let's once again focus on the hair, which I no longer want to brush, FYI...

Haley Scarnato
Performed "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper
What the hell did she do to this song? Why'd she have go and cheese it up beyond recognition? Oh right, because she sucks. Haley (and her annoyingly loud friends in the audience who insisted on yelling over the judges) are done.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Every Breath You Take" by The Police
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to break with my usual style and present my response to Phil's performance in a real time/Kerouac-like/stream-of-consciousness/punctuation-eschewing format:

Oh my God, creepy Phil is being asked a viewer question which means more camera time for him and more rocking in the fetal position for me and oh my God he's singing the creepiest stalker song ever, that freak, Jesus, I can't believe he chose this song... oh, but wait, wait a minute... say, this isn't so bad, actually and his voice is quite nice and ooh he's actually following the lone piece of useful advice Gwen dished out tonight and he's simply sticking to the melody without getting all yelly and screamy and nope, this doesn't suck one bit.

And, exhale! See how I went from truly terrified to all nice and complimentary? Miracles do happen, kids!

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Heaven Knows" by Melinda Doolittle
At this point, it's a given that Melinda's going to kick the song's ass so let's just go ahead and slap her with another "Awesome!" and move on to her outfit. Simon hated it. I wouldn't go that far but I did take note of it in my big yellow legal pad when Melinda took the stage. "I don't think that's the proper silhouette for her frame," I observed.

I learned that term by watching "Project Runway" and I felt all fancy using it. Ditto for "flavor profiles," which I learned courtesy of "Top Chef," although, admittedly, I didn't take any notes last night about Melinda's flavor profiles because, well, we're looking at and listening to Melinda, not eating her. And other than "Tastes like chicken," I'm not really sure what else I could possibly say about a human's flavor profiles.

Wait, what was my point again?

Blake Lewis
Performed "Love Song" by The Cure
Okay, while they may Jess's number two band, The Cure is most definitely at the top of my list so I may get a bit feisty in the next couple of paragraphs. When Seacrest announced at the beginning of the show that a contestant was tackling a Cure song, I knew right away that it would be Blake. And I knew that mofo was going to pick "Love Song" and I knew he was going to give it the 311 treatment. I'm tired of him getting credit for being fresh and original. He's not! Fuck Paula! Girlfriend earned a high Level o' Crazy number from me tonight merely because she gushed over the "originality" of this shit. It was NOT original. Don't credit Blake for the arrangement. He merely copied what's already been done, somewhat poorly by 311.

This is the same bullshit praise heaped on Taylor last season when he aped Michael McDonald's song stylings and Joe Cocker's spaz-outs and was lauded as "unique" and "original." Last time I checked, that shit was called celebrity impersonation, not originality. If this keeps up, I'm withdrawing my votes for all the current contestants and throwing my support behind Rich Little.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Hey Baby" by No Doubt
It's a pleasure to watch Jordin, and not just because I think she's cute. She's having fun. And like Simon said, she's getting more confident as the weeks go by. However, she's not surrendering any of her humility or charm as a result. I didn't love the vocal but then again, that song doesn't really demand much of one. She worked the attitude and the sassy outfit all over the stage and didn't embarrass herself in the process. That's my girl.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Don't Speak" by No Doubt
Randy liked Chris's "flavor" and Paula looked all creepy as she cooed, "You're good, Chris, you're good. Just good." I'm not entirely sure she was referring to his singing. Gross. Simon, on the other hand, didn't dig it. And, for once, I have to disagree with him. I actually think Chris did a good job with this song. He's had trouble in the past trying to yank notes up, down, left and right often to awkward effect. But tonight, he seemed to have a bit more control and while his voice does skew a bit nasal at times, I do think it has a nice tone. I'm going to take Chris on as my pet project in the voting department until Rich Little officially enters the race.

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... tough one again, Chris Sligh are in the Bottom Three this week but it's Haley and her hot gams who's going home.

Top 10 Recap

Here are my thoughts on the contestants tonight:

LaKisha Jones: Donna Summer, "Last Dance"
LaKisha can sing her ass off, but for some reason, I'm just not feeling her. She did a great job, and like the judges said, it was nice to see her doing something upbeat. But compared to Mindy Doo, who is her major competition vocally, she's not nearly as likeable. But can we mention the breasts? Holy Mary mother of Christ.

Chris Sligh: The Police, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"
Chris Sligh moves to the beat of a different drummer, and not in a good way. What a fucking mess that was. I guess Jesus doesn't favor Chris the way he favored Carrie Underwood.

Gina Glocksen: The Pretenders, "I'll Stand By You"
I've been in the minority with the Gina love, but I think she really pulled through tonight. That was awesome. Totally awesome. And I don't get the "smug" thing that everyone says about her. She seems genuine and really, really emotional. Which, despite my love for her, isn't very rockin'.

Sanjaya Malakar: No Doubt, "Bath Water"
Is this song really about sitting in someone's dirty bath water? Gross. Also, I firmly believe that Sanjaya is just fucking with us at this point. He may even have struck a deal with Howard Stern. Or Satan.

Haley Scarnato: Cyndi Lauper, "True Colors"
Wait, who is Haley Scarnato? Oh, that chick who dressed all slutty last week and is a less talented and less pretty Katharine McPhee? Right! Wait, she sang tonight? I barely remember.

Phil Stacey: The Police, "Every Breath You Take"
So the creepiest guy in the competition sang the creepiest song ever recorded. Which basically made the performance creepy squared. It doesn't even matter that he nailed it vocally – which he did – Blake has the confidence and Chris R. has the cute (Chris R.! Call me!) so Phil's days are numbered. I maintain that he's the best male vocalist in the competition, and admittedly that isn't saying much.

Melinda Doolittle: Donna Summer, "Heaven Knows"
Mindy Doo can do no wrong. I voted for her three times. She's small and oddly-shaped and missing a neck, but boy is she a joy to watch. And I didn't hate the outfit, Simon.

Blake Lewis: The Cure, "Love Song"
I am not at all impressed with Blake. I think he's gimmicky and he makes weird, constipated faces when he sings. And when I heard there was going to be a Cure song, and he started his beat-boxing shit, I was ready to throw down. The Cure is my second favorite band of all time, you see, second to only Pantera. But much to my dismay, Blake delivered. I actually quite enjoyed it. That fucker.

Jordin Sparks: No Doubt, "Hey Baby"
Jordin's right up there with Mindy Doo in terms of the likeability factor. And I thought this had some rough spots, but overall it was fun and I dug it. I also loved Gwen Stefani saying that she didn't realize how "musical" the song could be, meaning she didn't realize what it would sound like if someone who actually had a good voice sang it. Am I hating on Gwen Stefani? A little.

Chris Richardson: No Doubt, "Don't Speak"
Chris is adorable and I want to teach him the ways of love with an older woman, but seriously, he's way out of his league. And I don't understand why Randy and Paula keep heaping praise on him at all. And is it me, or did he look like he wanted to cry when Simon told him he sucked? There, there, Chris. Let mama give you a big hug and make it all better. Oh, and take off those pants.

And there you have it. Also, Gwen Stefani wasn't nearly as annoying as I thought she'd be, and Paul wasn't nearly as crazy as I hoped she'd be. Predictions: Bottom three – Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and Haley Scarnato. Going home? Haley. Should be going home? Sanjaya and his fauxhawk of gentle doom.