Top 3 Recap

Lest anyone ever claim that American Idol is not completely fixed, I present to you tonight's episode. With a few exceptions, everyone associated with this show wants David Cook to win and hates Syesha Mercado. Weirdest song choices ever, which made the fact that I don't care about any of these people less of a factor and allowed me to actually get through it. Let's get to it then, shall we?

David Archuleta

Judges' Choice: "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel, chosen by Paula and delivered by Mayor Snarr from Murray City, Utah, who is rocking the fiercest, longest, pointiest mustache ever and what appears to be a "Members Only" jacket for membership in the U.S. of A. Randy: You're in it to win it, baby! Paula: Beautiful performance. Simon: Bit predictable, but good. Jess: Boring and creepy.

Singer's Choice: "With You," by Chris Brown. Randy: Wrong song choice. Paula: Great job, but he needs to focus on shortening up the phrases. Simon: Like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger. Jess: The girls are positively wetting themselves. He's paying too much attention to pandering to them, and not enough time keeping his song under control. It's shaky.

Producers' Choice: "Longer," by Dan Fogelberg. Randy: interesting song choice, another hot one! Paula: lovely. Simon: too gooey. Jess: I can't even comment on how the song was, because I cannot get over that choice. Are the producers selecting their songs from Shady Pines, or do they just hate David Archuleta?

Syesha Mercado

Judges' Choice: "If I Ain't Got You," by Alicia Keys. selected by Randy and delivered via text message while she rode in a limo in Tampa. Randy: Amazing job. Paula: She looks stunning, which means Paula was bored, too. Simon: Wishes Randy had chosen something more interesting. Word. Jess: Boring and pretty, which kind of sums up how I feel about Syesha.

Singer's Choice: "Fever," by Peggy Lee. Randy: Great performance. Paula: Interesting choice, but not sure it showcases who Syesha is. Simon: She'll regret choosing that song, lame cabaret performance. Jess: I think she knows she won't win at this point, and is auditioning for Broadway.

Producers' Choice: "Hit Me Up," by Gia Farrell. Randy: Just okay for me. Paula: Not the right type of song for Syesha. Simon: her week last week was the best, this song didn't define her. Jess: Stupid song choice, but she did what she could.

David Cook

Judges' Choice: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," by Roberta Flack, chosen by Simon, who is apparently a genius, and delivered via text message while David was on the air at the FOX affiliate in Kansas City. Randy: Wishes Simon had picked something more rock 'n' roll. Paula: (who seems pretty lucid tonight) David is her second favorite person who sings it (never mind on that lucid thing). Simon: One of his best performances. Jess: David looked super pissed to have to sing it. And it pains me to say, but he really brought it home. It was good. Fucking hell.

Singer's Choice: "Dare You to Move," by Switchfoot. Who? Randy: a little pitchy. Paula: too hard to condense into a minute and a half. Simon: Not the most melodic song in the world. Okay. Jess: Didn't love the song, but it was okay.

Producers' Choice: "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," by Aerosmith. Randy: Just okay for him. Paula: lots of blah blah crazy talk about how she wants to fuck him, possibly while Diane Warren watches. Simon: David Cook wins the night. Jess: IS PAULA WEARING A PLEATHER CORSET? It's predictably good. It makes me nostalgic for Antonella Barba, though. Those were good times, back when Idol was actually interesting and I gave a shit about who won or lost.

Prediction: Bye, bye Syesha. You'll kick ass in Chicago.

By the way, Justin Guarini came to Saturday detention because he didn't have anything better to do today.

Top 4: Recap

Four folks left. Three have been number one in votes. Competition is closer than ever. YOU MUST VOTE! This… is… American… Idol.

Randy Jackson bedazzled his hoodie for the show. Paula Abdul came straight from her cameo in the Saturday Night Fever remake and Simon Cowell, well, looks like Simon Cowell. Ryan Seacrest's faux-haux isn't as symmetrical as I'd like.

In the audience tonight:

• Luke Menard, looking adorable and geeky.
• Jamie Lynn-Sigler, looking like one of The Real Housewives of New York City
• Carly Smithson
• Rascal Flatts, who I thought was just one dude for the longest time

It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week. We're treated to a long montage of the history of rock n' roll set to Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Night." Each contestant will sing two songs each, and the judges will critique after each performance, which Ryan explains while making a subtle dig at Paula for last week's drunken faux-pas.

David Cook

First up, "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, which came out in 1982, the year he was born. Imagine if you will a Duran Duran song getting the David Cook treatment. Any song, really. That's exactly what it was. Yawn. Paula was out of her chair dancing like a groupie on Rock of Love the whole time. Randy thought it was just okay, solid but not mad hot. The audience boos him angrily. Paula says that it left her with a big appetite. Get it? Also, ew. Then she said something about watching him grow and flourish when he does the EXACT SAME THING every week. Shut up, Paula. Simon thought it was good, but a little bit copycat. Simon then goes on to say that David didn't do what he's done in previous weeks which was to take the song and make it his own. Actually, that's exactly what he did. In previous weeks, he took someone else's song and PASSED IT OFF as his own. Simon says he'll get through to next week.

His second song was The Who's "Baba O'Riley." Now, I love this song. It's one of my top songs ever. When it started, my first thought was, "Fuck, this is really good." Then it got really bad. Then it got really good. By the time it was over, I didn't know what to think. Randy loved it. Paula wants more of David Cook, preferably with exposed penis. Simon welcomed him back.

Final thoughts: Safe.

Syesha Mercado

First up, "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. I thought she rocked it. It was sexy, fun and she sounded great. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a bad, shrieky version of Tina Turner. I just want to know what kind of arm workout she does.

Her second song was "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. She sang her heart out. I thought it was great. I also never noticed how ginormous her boobs are before tonight. Randy didn't like the arrangement and thought she oversang it. Paula loved it, and welcomed Syesha to her dream, which made her start bawling. Simon loved it, which made Syesha cry some more, and then Paula turned on the waterworks. Then Syesha? Compared her reality show experience to the civil rights movement? Huh?

Final thoughts: Bottom two, but ultimately safe.

Jason Castro

First up, "I Shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley. Which is just so… obvious that I can't even support it. You know his friends back home are sitting around a four-foot bong watching FOX and saying, "Dude! Castro is, like, totally singing Bob Marley! No way! He he! Awesome!" It wasn't very good. Randy thought it was karaoke. Paula wasn't crazy about it. Simon thought it was utterly atrocious, and compared it to a first-round audition massacre. He asked Jason what he was thinking. The answer? "Bob Marley!" (And weed)

For his second song, Jason attempted "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. And lest you think he isn't stoned all the time, he forgot the words and thought it was hilarious. I really wish Jason would let me pick his songs for him. He'd be all, "I want to do some Dylan" and I'd be all, "Splendid! Here's 'Just Like a Woman!' Now go forth and rock!" And he would. Randy said he wasn't in the zone. Paula said it didn't blow her away, but he blows her away, and if given the chance, she'd blow… oh, never mind. Too easy. Simon tells him to pack his suitcase.

Final thoughts: I voted for him several times, because I'm not ready to stop mooning over him. And he's the new Vote for the Worst pick, so he might eek out a win over Syesha, but I think I'll be saying goodbye to my dreadlocked lover.

David Archuleta

First up, "Stand By Me" Ben E. King. It was great. The crowd loved him. The judges loved him. Is there any way the kid isn't going to win the whole thing? I'm thinking no. Also, Ryan always manhandles David like an awkward father who doesn't know how to show love. Although David would probably prefer that to the beast that is Jeff Archuleta, I'm guessing.

For his second song, David sang Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender," causing 12-year-old girls across the country to spontaneously hit puberty like all the potential slayers on the last episode of Buffy, only in this case, it isn't to save the world from evil -- it's so that David Archuleta may oneday spread his seed. If anyone wants to start another LDS polygamist sect, I think we've found a new leader. And people talk about the Obama cult. Randy loved how he was tender and caressed each word. Really. He said that. Gross as hell, right? Paula said it was one of her all-time favorite performances of his. Simon said he crushed the competition.

Final thoughts: Duh.

Paula, Paula, Paula

Recap's a-comin' folks but for now, I thought I'd resurrect one of last season's weekly features on American Midol: The Paula Abdul Insanity Index.

Girlfriend more than earned this cheeky repeat last night when she critiqued Jason Castro's second song... before he even sang it. She looked beyond befuddled as Randy and Simon tried to steer her back into the land of sanity. That was an exercise in futility, boys.

So I'm giving Paula a 9 this week. She deserved a 10 but, well, I don't have the Photoshop file here at work so I'm recycling an image from last year. How very green of me!

More to come!

Top 6 Recap

Happy Earth Day, people! To celebrate, Idol will be using green power at the finale. Baby steps, right?

It's Andrew Lloyd Webber week. Jesus. Why is Idol doing this to us? It's like Beatles II: Electric Boogaloo times six thousand.

Syesha Mercado is doing "One Rock N' Roll Too Many," and I hate this show for making me have to look up every goddamn song. I'm not a big musical theater person, you see. How about a little chyron in the lower left hand corner, eh? This show is going to take me all night to recap. Aaaaanyway, Google tells me the song is from Starlight Express. Apparently, Syesha has a personality! Who knew? It was pretty great, actually, sultry and fun and on point. Randy thinks it's her best performance. Paula thinks she brought the house down, Simon thought it was sexy, and agreed with Randy. Everyone realized all at once, including me, that "Oh! So THIS is what Syesha is all about!" Broadway, not Billboard. And that's okay. She'll probably land a gig as soon as she gets booted, if her contract allows it.

Meatloaf is doing AT&T commercials, people. That is all.

Jason Castro is looking adorably dorky in an off-white suit. He has no idea who Andrew Lloyd Webber is, of course. I bet he knows who Bob Marley is, though. He's singing "Memories" from Cats, which is kind of hilarious. It's not very good, and believe you me, it PAINS me to say that. Randy thought it was a trainwreck. Paula thought it showcased his "unique being" and then babbled a lot because she's drunk. Simon deemed it the longest two minutes of his life, and compared him to a little boy being forced to sing at a wedding by his parents. Jason doesn't care -- he's got a four-foot bong back at the house and he's already on the tour.

I take back everything I ever said about Ryan's sexual orientation. He wants to bang old ladies. There. I figured him out. He has mountains of granny porn stashed in his house.

Brooke White is up. She's singing "You Must Love Me" from the Evita movie. She fucked up the lyrics in the beginning and asked to start again. Only the last time she had to start over, she was still awesome, and now she's just broken beyond repair, and there's no coming back from it this time. I actually hope she goes home soon. Not because I don't like her, because I do, but because I think if she spends any more time there, she's going to lose her shit in a big, not-at-all-fun, way. She's boring and not very good. Randy thought it wasn't so good. Paula thought the stopping and starting over was a major mistake. Simon thought it was uncomfortable. Brooke looks like she's ready to go backstage, drink a bottle of Southern Comfort, go down on David Cook and then collapse in a pile of tears and vomit.

David Archuleta is mauled by pre-teen girls. He's singing some lady song from Phantom of the Opera. "Think of Me." I don't know the original, but this sounds like 6th grade dance pop schmaltz. This show is never going to end, is it? Randy liked the runs, obviously. Fucking Randy and his runs. Paula thought it was perfect. Simon thought it was weak. Word, Simon.

Paul Stanley is in the audience, looking like Joan Rivers. Awesome.

Carly Smithson wanted to sing "All I Ask of You" from Phantom and ALW was like "Rubbish! Sing another song!" So she went with "Jesus Christ Superstar." She is wearing a kickass dress that I am coveting, hard. She sounds awesome, as always, and she's looking better every week. Randy thought it was good, but not her best performance. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty in the middle, but one of his favorite performances of the night. She has a T-shirt that says "Simon Loves Me (this week)" which is kind of hilarious and charming.

On a side note, I have an entire box of chocolates in my freezer and a raging case of PMS. I'm really worried about what's going to happen tonight.

On another side note, So You Think You Can Dance premieres May 22nd, and I'm literally beside myself with glee. Seriously, I just looked over and there I was. Gleeful.

David Cook is singing "Music of the Night" from Phantom, and ALW tells him he has to be sensual and sultry. And then they role-play a bit, and it's uncomfortable for everyone involved. I'm watching it, and I can feel David Cook trying to pork me through the TV, and I don't like it one bit. Stop trying to pork me with your sensual eyes, David Cook! I knew "sensual" was going to translate into "camera fucking." Randy thought it was an amazing performance. Paula thinks it proved he was well-rounded. Simon didn't like it because David didn't find a generic rock band's cover of it on iTunes to rip off.

Wow, Jason Castro sounds so much better in the rehearsal clip at the end than he did in his performance. Y'all knew those wrap-up clips are from rehearsals, right? Live show, not enough time to edit, and all that jazz?

Bottom three: Jason Castro, Brooke White and Syesha Mercado
Going home: Syesha Mercado

Just to clarify: I don't think Syesha is bad. However, people like me want to look at Jason's sweet, adorable face for as long as humanly possible, and Brooke is the new queen of Vote for the Worst, so I'm predicting Syesha by the process of elimination. Is it weird that I kind of miss Kristy Lee Cook?

Here's Brooke messing up if you missed it:

Idol Recap: The Lennon-McCartney Songbook

Ahh, American Idol: putting stink on Rock & Roll classics for 7 seasons now.

Syesha Mercado – She put a safe, early 80’s Earth, Wind & Fire spin on “Got to get you into my life”, even if it wasn’t her best vocal performance. I thought it lacked a little bit of sparkle, but she stayed true to the EW&F cover and ended up having fun with it. I have to agree with Simon, it was better than alright, and it was definitely better than last week’s performance.

Chikeze Eze – “She’s a woman”. Chikeze, honey, you knocked it out of the fucking park. You found your shining moment, and this was as close to PERFECT as it’s gonna get. Awesome job. I have nothing snarky to say… I guess it happens sometimes. I’m not in love with Chikeze but I’m warming to him thanks to this performance.

Ramiele Mulubay – “In my life” I have to agree with Jess that it started out seeming interesting then turned into a predictable, monumental bore. In fact I think her predictability is what will ultimately keep her from ever becoming the American Idol. But I do love me some sushi.

Jason Castro – “If I fell in love with you” – Randy didn’t love it. I did. I still say I’ll take on any bitch who tries to get in between me and the lovely, beautiful Jason Castro and his delicious dreds. When Simon called Jason’s performance “student in a bedroom at midnight”, I got all hot and bothered thinking about him in my bedroom at midnight… God. Is it hot in here, or is it just me? Verdict: he’s staying. And he’s in love with me, bitches.

Note: During Jason Castro’s (a.k.a. the future Mr. Melissa McGee) performance, I received the following email from my friend Sara in Brooklyn: “Seriously, I want to put Jason Castro on bread and eat him like a sandwich.”

Sara, we’ve known each other for about 25 years. We’ve been through it all together, and you know I’d lay down my life for you. But I’ll fight you for him. Don’t make me make you my bitch, Sara. I’ll do it. I’m out of control. You can’t stop me.

Carly Smithson – “Come together”. Carly rocked the shit out of this song. Best performance of the night. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I’m awfully generous tonight. Do I have a secret reason that I’m in such a good mood? Maybe I do, and maybe I DO. Seriously, Carly made this song her very own and even managed to win Simon over with her song choice for the first time. My only complaint: I am begging the stylists of the show to NEVER put Carly in an electric blue satin potato sack again. Ever.

David Cook – “Eleanor Rigby” Man oh man, I really want to hate this smarmy camera fucker. His performance tonight didn’t deter that hatred in even the slightest. Can somebody please tell David Cook that he’s not Scott Stapp? All that was missing from his performance was the stop-action “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon” ninja moves from that Creed video. Still, vocally, and it pains me to say this more than you could ever know, it didn’t completely suck. Okay, it didn’t suck at all. He was pretty good. Damn it.

Brook White – “Let it be”. I’ve not been the biggest fan of Brooke White so far, but I think she might have won me over with tonight’s performance. I’m not sure why, but I just… liked it. Technically it wasn’t what I think Idol performances should be, but damn it, she’s got a likeable Carly Simon quality to her when she’s on a piano. She seemed to step into the role of Rock-Ballad star pretty easily. Oh, and shut the fuck up, Randy. I’m sick of your yap.

David Hernandez - “I saw her standing there”. To say I loathed it wouldn’t be strong enough. I seriously wanted to mute the volume. Maybe I’m gearing up to hate Amanda Overmyer’s performance, but I thought it was just… well, not good in any way. Not a good song choice, and although I hate to EVER agree with Randy, I would have to concur that it was “a little overdone”. To say the least.

Amanda Overmyer - “You can’t do that.” Leather Tuscadero once again sounds like she has a ginormous cream cheese bubble in her damn throat and it makes me want to kick her in the neck just to knock it clear. And if she landed on her face that would just be a bonus. Is there a song that Amanda Overmyer doesn’t work the word “child” into? I don’t think so, America. Randy said she took a Beatles classic and rocked it out as if she’d been "in a Southern Bar." Is that supposed to be a compliment? ‘Cause Randy, you fucktard, I LIVE in the south, and playing at a Southern Bar means you HAVE NOT MADE IT. You’re singing to drunken rednecks with Rebel flags in the rear window of their pickup trucks. Rednecks itchy to pick a fight and cut you with a broken beer bottle. VFTW will ensure that bubblethroat remains in the competition for another week, so there’s no point in my rant but one thought does bear repeating: I hate Amanda Overmyer.

Michael Johns – “Across the Universe”. I didn’t think I could like this song any more than I already did, but now I know I can, especially when I imagine Michael Johns singing it to me while wearing nothing but a smile. Erm, I mean… well, yeah, that was totally what I meant. Did anybody else notice the picture of cute little Michael as a kid in Oz wearing a VEGEMITE sweatshirt? How freaking Australian is he? Aaaaannnnd he’s safe.

Kristy Lee Cook - She took a risk with a hillbilly arrangement of “Eight Days a Week”, and boy howdy did it ever NOT work. She was all over the place with the fucked up tempo, and the arrangement was just a big hot mess. This performance was just further proof that Beatles songs should never, and I repeat NEVER be countrified. And also that Kristy Lee Cook is going to be the next Idol wannabe voted off. Paula said she didn’t get it. For once, I don’t think it was because she was high. Simon thought it was horrendous. I have to agree. Also, I was wondering what was making her eyeballs bug out of her head while she was singing. Possibly the thousand points of light caused by that farkatke sequined tanktop that caused seizures all over the country. Bye bye, Sparkle McHillbilly.

David Archuleta – “We can work it out”. I counted twice that he forgot the lyrics, and it destroyed his confidence. His vocal was the weakest its been so far, which is saying something, because he’s been consistently awesome since the auditions. Still I think he’s a safe bet to stick around for a while longer.

Melissa's pick for ousted Idol: Kristy Lee Cook

Top 16 - The Girls

I spent this evening watching American Idol over beers with my good friend Craig. He’s twice as catty as I am. Stick a few beers in him and he’s downright bitchy. Watching American Idol with Craig while we were drunk really seemed to tone down the overall douchy-ness of Ryan Seacrest. Too bad it didn’t take the edge off of Paula. She was in rare train-wreck form on Wednesday night. I didn’t spell-check because I was way too drinky to care. My apologies.

Asia’h Epperson – “I wanna dance with somebody” – started out shaky and awkward. I really wanted to blame it on the fact that she was walking down stairs, but alas, the rest of the song sort of tanked as well. Paula was standing up and dancing like an idiot because, well, she’s high. I was bored to tears and thought she really lacked energy, despite all the jumping around. Randy the namedropping donkey loved it because he worked on the original with Whitney Houston. Simon hit the nail on the head with “Second rate Whitney”.

Me: Way more interested in text messaging with another one of my friends than listening. BORRRRRRRRE-ing.

Kady Malloy – I had no idea what song this even was, because she lost me with the first sour note, which was unfortunately to be followed by a bevy of other horribly rotten, eardrum curdling notes. God almighty, I wanted to mute her. I got back to text messaging as a form of Idol escapism. “Massive lack of personality” is a phrase coined by Simon that I am going to adopt into my personal vocabulary. Especially when referring to Kady Malloy. Turns out it was Queen’s “Who wants to live forever”. I didn’t even recognize it. I do not share the Kady love with Curly McDimple. Curly, she’s all yours, honey.

Amanda Overmyer – this bitch managed to completely ruin a Joan Jett song for me. And I didn’t even like it all that much to begin with, but now it’s become the bane of my existence. I don’t care how much ass Simon kissed, I still hate this woman and can’t wait until she’s no longer sullying my television screen. Sure, it didn't completely suck and this might have been her best performance to date, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while. I don’t like her and you can’t make me. And I’m drunk, so I’ll fight about it if necessary. I’m about to fight Craig just because I can and I'm feelin' frisky.

Carly Smithson – “I drove all night” gave me goose bumps. Her sustain was perfect and – dare I say it? I thought the song was flawless. She is definitely my pick for the winner out of the women. I hated the pants though, Carly. Somewhere, Laura Petrie is asking Rob where her sailor pants went. Beyond that, I thought it was sheer perfection. Simon, I officially break up with you. You never loved me anyway, and I’ve got to move on to someone who loves Carly as much as I do.

Paula: “You’re like a dependable dog.”
Me: “What the fuck?”

Kristy Lee Cook – Sang “Faithfully” by Journey. Didn’t quite hit it and was flat most of the song. My friend Craig and I were chatting during the critique about Paul being as high as bird twat when we noticed Paula and Simon doing something that seemed to be akin to canoodling.

Me: “What the fuck are they doing!?”
Craig: “It’s an intervention.”

Ramiele Maluby – Nailed “Against all odds”, but I actually agreed with Randy (forgive me) that she should find her confidence; it was clear she was lacking confidence and she certainly shouldn’t cause this little chickadee can wail. I don’t think she’ll win it, but I think she’s in it for a while. Overall I thought it was alright, and I think she's a safe bet to stay.

On a completely unrelated note, when you’re as drunk as Craig and I am, listening to Ryan Seacrest announce “Ramiele Mulaby!” sounded remarkably like “Ramalama Mybobo!” I’m just sayin’.

Update: Paula is completely out of control fucked up on God knows what. She rambled and prattled on about dogs and sweaters until I thought I was high. My friend Craig’s impression of Paula:

“I like your sweater. I like the color of your skirt. Your hair is perfect. Oh, and by the way, your song was pretty. Dogs.”

Brook White – made me long for the “Love is a Battlefield” video where Pat Benatar shimmies her 9-year-old-boy rack right at the camera because, well, it was so much more exciting than this. I dozed off during this performance and dreamed of 80’s hookers doing a choreographed dance number while wearing fringe and satin. It was awesome. I knew the judges would love it because I’m not even reading the same book as the judges this season. I was right. Paula went on about dogs again and I went to the fridge for another beer. I’m clearly not drunk enough.

By the time Syesha Mercado started singing, my friend Craig and I were already completely hammered and could no longer even hear the song because we were laughing too hard at her outfit. “She looks like the guy from the Cracker Jack box.” said Craig. I don’t remember much about her performance because I was laughing too hard, but what I can recall wasn’t all that bad. Since it didn't make me all stabby and murderous, I think it must have been a decent performance.

I promise to stay sober for the vote-offs, and there’s a promise you’ll never get from Paula.

buhhh-bye: the first cut is the deepest.

Best quote of the night: “Back in a big way, Paula Abdul.”

And by “big”, Ryan meant “wrecked”.

Can I just say that the 60’s montage with the 24 was quite possibly filled with the worst stage performances I’ve ever seen? Retards on Parade. That’s what I thought about that. Sure, there were some good vocals in it, and even some really good vocals in it. But it’s like that old adage that a few bad apples make the whole damn barrel completely shitty. You’ve heard that one.

Buh-bye, Garrett Haley. First cut of the season. Breaking up is indeed hard to do. For you. It turned out to be easier for me than I ever expected. It’s too bad he had to sing that farkatke song again. Talk about leaving with a whimper.



I figured out who the feck Amanda Overmyer reminds me of, which would explain why I can’t stand her: Suzi Quatro as Leather Tuscadero on “Happy Days”. She's like Leather's doppleganger. Leather v2.0. Which means I'm gonna have nightmares again.

Laterz, Amy Davis. I don’t even remember what you sang, so I don’t think I’m going to miss you too terribly. I’ll try to pick up the pieces. And as Paula said, “You gotta paint that door and that knob.” What the fuck? Her sing-out made me sort of a sad puppy though; sick and trying not to cry is the worst way to have to sing. I’ve been there. Not on national television being watched by bajillions of viewers, but still, I know that had to suck donkey ones.

Those silly producers and their teasers! Another girl going home after the break. I’m going to take this commercial break as my opportunity to pray to God to make it so that Leather Tuscadero goes home. I really don’t want to have to look forward to a whole season of Idol with her screamy vocals and uncomfortable, constipated facial expression. Or even one more Janis Joplin comparison. It’s wrecking my life and causing me to drink more.

And after the break, I learned that God hates me and Joanne Borgella is going home instead. Cabaret or not, I’d rather listen to Joanne all season than Screamy McSluggish-Bowel.

The last boy going home: Colton Berry and his creepy albino eyelashes. And 4 inch long sideburns.

How embarrassing for the 2 girls going home that the last time they were seen on American Idol, they were wearing the most unflattering outfits like, ever?

I’m going to go drink to the fact that there’s no American Idol on for the next four days.

On a completely unrelated note, forget what I said about wanting to marry Michael Johns. I now have loftier aspirations and have decided that I want to be the Melissa meat in a Michael Johns/Jason Castro sandwich. With absolutely nothing "family show" about it. Meow.

Kyle Ensley Warms My Cold, Dead Heart

Last night, at my hippie culinary school, I took a macrobiotics class. We learned all about the mind/body/soul connection, and the tenants for living your best life. I rode the subway home from class being in a very Zen-like, Kumbaya sort of mood, pondering what it would take to be a nicer, better version of myself, and vowing to change my life starting immediately. Why am I telling you this? Because it's the only explanation for what happened to me last night. I cried, y'all. And not because sucktards like David Cook and Amanda Overmyer were put through, either. It was because of nerdlet Kyle Ensley.

Melissa and Curly are no doubt going to take me to task for this one. I was touched. First, when they showed the flashback of Simon telling him post-Hollywood audition that he really thought people would like him, and then showing us what got cut off the first time we saw that clip; Simon saying, "I wish I had some of what you have." Man, when Simon is touched by something, I am touched-squared, and I don't mean that in a dirty way.

When they told him he wasn't going through, my God! Have you ever seen a more gracious rejectee? He didn't cry, or storm out. He was all smiles, and was thankful he had gotten as far as he did instead of disappointed that he didn't get further. I found it really beautiful to watch. Not to get too corny, but there's this whole notion of "gratitude," in macrobiotic theory, and Kyle Ensley has it in spades.

Clearly I was riding a macrobiotic high, because I also felt bad for cult kid Josiah Leming. I know!

Rest assured I was not without my bitchy moments, though. David Cook? Nice cropped sweater vest and pink tie, asshat. And Paula was some sort of drunk Munchhausen Mom last night, all "I'm going to make the kids cry so then I can hug them and they will looooooove meeeeeee!" And that's all I have to say on the bitchy front! What the hell is wrong with me? Oh wait -- I look forward to Colton Berry getting voted off so I can deface his creepy white eyelashes on The Grid.

I need to go watch some 30-Minute Meals to fill me back up with hate. I'll be in top bitchface form next week, I promise.

Pride

I just checked the site stats and someone got here by telling The Google this:

"i think paula abdul might be a retard"

Us too, anonymous Googler. Us, too.

Recap: We've Finally Gone to Hollywood

I was going to post this last night, but I got rather zealous in my note-taking, and when it was all over, my four pages of typed notes were too daunting to organize. I'm not going to focus on everyone; just who I thought was interesting in either a good or bad way, or who we're going to be seeing a lot of, for better or for worse. I'm also going to agree and disagree with some of Melissa's assessments. Here we go!

If there's one thing we can all take away from Hollywood Week, it's that just because you can play an instrument, doesn't mean you should. Also, Bryan Adams is universally loved among Idol wannabees, and universally reviled by me.

I'd like to echo Melissa's statement about the lie that is being shoved down our throats this season; that this is the BEST TALENT POOL IN IDOL HISTORY. No it isn't, Ryan Seacrest. Shut up. And put a tie on; you look like you just woke up at a stranger's house after a coke bender.

DAY 1

Brooke White: Unlike Melissa, I kind of like The Alleged Mormon. I dig her voice and sunshiny energy. Mormons seem like a happy people.

Leo Marlowe: You know this guy isn't going to get through as long as Danny Noriega is still in the running. There's no way we're going to have two obviously gay Idol hopefuls. One of each stereotype, please.

Jack Mellema: A perfect example of someone who should not play an instrument while singing. Drums, really? It's kind of hard to sell yourself as a charismatic front man while sitting behind a drum kit. He came across like a singer in a depressing bar catering to unhappy middle-aged married people looking to escape the doldrums of their unfulfilled lives with booze and flirting.

David Hernandez: Really good, though I fear we've found this season's Elliott Yamin -- a gifted singer who will be overshadowed by pretty boys and big personalities.

Amanda Overmyer, AKA The Rock 'n' Roll nurse. I'm with Melissa on this one. Also, I think the black part of her hair is a wig.

Ghaleb Emachah: Is he Britney's paparazzi boyfriend? I think he is. The ladies love him. Why, exactly? White suit jacket, people. Only Don Johnson can pull that off, when it's 1982.

DAY 2

Josiah Leming: I'll be referring to him as Cult Kid, but will still type out his first and last name for the Google traffic. I hate this kid. Like, a lot. I'm glad the homeless have access to keyboards with which to DEFILE MIKA, my boyfriend. He kind of reminds me of Leo DiCaprio as the homeless kid on Growing Pains, without the actual homeless, cute or likeable parts.

Danny Noriega: Kicks ass. I want him to be my gay boyfriend.

Ramiele Malubay: I love her! That little wisp of a girl is adorable, and sings her heart out.

Carly Smithson: Love her. I ant to go get tattoos with her. I, too, noticed the blue tongue, but I thought it was more on the black side, which I thought may have been due to an overdose of Pepto for the nerves. I'm a frequent Pepto abuser, you see, so I know all about that. Maybe it was a blue lozenge, though.

Michael Johns: I want him to eat chocolate off of my stomach.

Now onto the Bryan Adams portion of the evening. David Cook, aka, Daughtry 2.0. He's okay. Robbie Carrico, aka Britney Fucker, sounded pretty good. Jessica Brown, Perrie Cataldo, Syesha Mercado. I'm officially sick of Bryan Adams.

Colton Berry: Not much to say about the singing, but his name makes him sound like a Gossip Girl character.

Kyle Ensley: Reminds me of Dasit from The White Rapper Show, but not as good. Jesus Christ, I watch a lot of reality television.

DAY 3

Suzanne Toon, the single mother who looks like the chick from Lost and Roswell, is out. Pierre Cataldo, the single dad with the cute kid, is also out. Amy Flynn, aka Abstinance Chick or Sparkles, which is my preference, is out, and thank God, because that chick annoys the shit out of me. Later, shrieky. Jeffrey Lampkin and his 300 pounds of jolly are through. Kristy Lee Cook is also through, even though she can only sing one song. Angela Martin, she with the saddest story about the dead dad, is going home, which makes me sad because I really liked her.

DAY 4

David Archuleta: Dug him. This season's whiz kid, I'm guessing.

Kyle Ensley: This season's Kevin Covais, if the judges keep him.

Jeffrey Lampkin: Out.

Joey Catalano: Listening to him made my teeth feel filmy like spinach.

Syesha Mercado: Great legs. Kicked ass. She's through.

Michael Johns: Sang "Bohemian Rhapsody." He rocked it. Not as hard as Suzie McNeil on Rockstar: INXS (Watch it. NOW.), but it's hard to top that. Chocolate. My stomach. Go.

Carly Smithson: Alone. Rocked it.

Asia'H Epperson: Kicked ass. Hard to pull off white pants, but she did.

Brooke Helvie: Her Elle Woods-esque novelty wore off for me. Later, queenie.

Josiah Lemini, aka Cult Kid: Randy and me hated it. Paula and me hated it. Simon called him annoying. I agree. Three yeses anyway. I hated this stupid show sometimes.

Let's see how the Top 24 spoilers we posted are holding up, shall we?

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

I notice there's no Cult Kid on that list, which would make me really, really happy. Fingers crossed that the fucker goes home, er, I mean, to his car.

Hollywood Week Tuesday Recap

It’s here, kiddos. Hollywood week. Where dreams are made and murdered in a matter of minutes. We get to witness as “You’re going to Hollywood!” turns into “You’re going back home because we don’t exercise good judgment and we somehow overlooked the fact that you suck ass.” in the blink of an eye.

Kicking off Hollywood week:

Brook White – Horrific, if I’m being honest, while singing Carole King’s “Beautiful” and playing the keyboard. I have no idea what the hell the judges were listening to when they told her she was fan-fucking-tastic. Maybe they were listening to Carole King sing it herself on their iPods. That’s all I can figure. I’m definitely not on the same page as the judges yet this season... which is no big surprise. I rarely am.

More bad singing ensued. Nothing memorable, and from no one we’ll ever hear sing again.

Alisha Dixon – What the hell?

Alyssa Coco – got about 3 notes out of her yap before Simon shut her up. Thank you, Simon. Have I told you lately that I love you?

Shaun Burrows – Lame. I can’t take any more of this shit where the contestants are playing instruments. I hope this is a one-time deal, and it doesn’t carry over into the future seasons. It sucks. It sucks ASS. And it’s not helping any of the contestants so far. Quite the contrary.

I refuse to comment on every single person singing while they’re playing drums badly, guitar badly, keyboards badly.

Thank you David Hernandez for NOT playing a fucking instrument. Sang a soulful-cum-jazzy version of CSNY’s “Love the one you’re with” and honestly, it was pretty damn badass. I didn’t like all the note-runs and twists and turns, but he’s definitely got some bangin’ vocal power. You GO, David Hernandez.

Amanda Overmyer – “The Rock & Roll nurse”, which I’m sure we’re going to get to hear for the entire season. I’m sick of her stupid dye job. Is it just me or does she sound a bit like she’s had too much dairy and has some sort of cream cheese bubble in her throat? I am no longer enamored of her. STOP REFERRING TO THIS BITCH AS JANIS-LIKE. Monotony? Yes. A whole heapin’, steamin’ pile of it.

Buck Smith – Bo Bice called, he wants his look back. And he told me to tell you “My hair is BROWN, bitch!”

Ghaleb Emachec - One word: smarmy. Another word: craptastic.

Day Two in Hollywood started off with Ryan lying his ass off by saying “this year the talent is better than ever.”

Josiah-living-in-his-car-Leming – again with the stupid fake British accent coming out of his hillbilly mouth. Sounds like he’s listened to way too much Keane. Simon is going to remember this audition out of all the auditions, he said. Randy pledged his undying love to Josiah. Paula slipped her room key to him.

Carly Smithson – The only thing I was able to focus on was her bright blue tongue. Why the blue tongue, Carly? Somewhere, a smurf is blissfully smoking a cigarette.

David Cook – Almost couldn’t get past his 1995 Christy Turlington hair style. Also had a blue tongue… which makes me wonder if they’re passing around blue lozenges back stage or if I should just strike while the iron is hot and start the rumors about David and Carly myself.

The last contestant of Day 2 – Kyle Ensley, the curly-mopped governor-wannabe from Oklahoma who likes deer jerky. Murdered – no, slaughtered “Love grows where my Rosemary goes.” “A little corny” Paula said, because she clearly has no idea what corn even is.

Perrie Cataldo – Got his last chance on Day 3, and his singing wasn’t nearly as bad as many of the warbling no-talent yahoos that made it through. He got his walkin’ papers.

I’m officilally drunk now.

Amy Flynn – I beseech you Randy, Simon & Paula: PLEASE send this annoying little virgin home. Aaaaaaaand thank you.

Angela Martin – should just get signed by a label already. She’s better than having to compete with Jeffrey Lampkin for a title like “Idol”. She’s just fantastic and – I’m not being snarky at all right now for some reason – she really deserves a contract.

Syesha - is my current bet for the winner. She just looks like a star, and God Almighty, she did the Queen of Soul proud with her raspy, sexy turn at “Chain of Fools”. Sing it, sister.

Michael Johns – Didn’t think it was the best audition of the day, as Simon did, but I did think performed well if not a little bland for my taste. He was hoarse enough to have to strain to reach a few notes but wise enough to pull back a little where it was necessary and managed to play it off very nicely .I’m so sad that I saw that wedding band on his left hand. Damn. Cause I was so gonna marry that guy.


Carly Smithson – Rocked the Hell out of pretty bad Heart song. I really didn’t want to like her, but damn it, she made me like her with this last performance.

Brooke Helvie – I really didn’t want to like her, and I succeeded wildly. The begging and pleading were unbearable. Her tearful, dramatic commentary “I just wish I was given a fair chance, like everyone else.” has to be the most ridiculous, narcissistic statement I’ve heard like, ever. She got more chances than most people in the world will ever have, and way, WAY more than she deserved. GO HOME, Prissy.

HATEFUL RANT WARNING: Sick and fucking tired of Josiah. This little turd isn’t “comfortable” with the band. God. How do you go on? He’s a monumental drama queen and a smarmy little prima donna. Shut up. Go sleep in your car, fucktard. The grandstanding to dismiss the band was nauseating, as was his fucked up Radiohead-meets-a-British-palsy-sufferer rendition of “Stand by Me” which sucked so bad I got a hickey. Simon nailed him to a wall with the “over-confidence” remark and made him cry like the little bitch that he is, and the sad-puppy camera fucking was enough to make me drink until I black out. I officially hate his drama queen guts. I am not looking forward to having to watch him in the episodes to come. I feel a hateful curse comin’ on.

Tomorrow, the revealing of the Top 24; we get to watch as more bleary-eyed, teary-eyed wannabes and also-rans get sent packing with their tails between their legs, and we get to meet the 24 contestants we’ll be watching get hacked to pieces for the rest of the season!

Woo! Bring it!

Melissa’s Idol Recap – Not-so-Hot-lanta.

Opening the show with Charlie Daniels’ “Devil went down to Georgia” just set the tone for the rest of the hour. It made me want to go on a stabbing rampage. So that’s where I am right now.

Joshua Jones – A man with a passion for glass, and a raging case of the crazy eyes. I believe it might be a physical impossibility for him to sing without creepy, murderous, zombie theatrics. And whaddya know? Crazy Eyes is going to Hollywood. Are you kidding? My mood has not improved yet, and now I’m gonna have nightmares about this guy and his psychotic eyeballs.

Early Side note: I’ve heard “The ATL” about 4 times so far from Ryan Seacrest and “Hot-lanta” about 5 times from Seacrest and random contestants. Come on, fuckers. We get it.

Asia’h Epperson – OMGDIDSHESAYHERDADJUSTDIED? Wow. That’s a backstory. Sang “How do I live” and son of a bitch, I couldn’t get through it without breaking down. I can’t BELIEVE she got through as much of it as she did without puddling up earlier. HOLY CRAP. You’re going to Hollywood, baby girl. Related story: Sure, it was sad and sweet, but what the hell happened to Paula? Seriously Paula, get a grip. I mean really – sad is sad, and I did get a little teary, but for the love of crap, I didn’t have to turn my back and leave the room. Lay off the sauce, Paula. Just once.

Brooke Helvie - Miss South Florida Fair. Said she has kissed a pig. Who hasn’t, honey? Tell your daddy to call me back, damn it. Best quote of the night so far: “I just said doo-doo on American Idol.” Slammed her tittles against Simon for a post-congratulatory hug when she found out she’s going to Hollywood. But not before she shrieked like a harpy and scared all of the judges. And me. I think a little pee came out. “I didn’t want her to sing well.”, Simon confessed, after saying she was the most annoying person he’s ever met. I’m with you, Cowell. And now I gotta change my panties. Again. Damn it.

Montage: a bunch of idiots singing “Glamorous”. Is it wrong that I laughed when the last contestant in the montage sang “Grammerous”? Because I did. And hard.

Eva Miller – Fell on her ass while dancing around like a patient out on a day pass from the institution. And wanted to be taken seriously. And is in love with Simon Cowell. LOVED the instant replay, with slo-mo falling-on-ass-and-rolling-backwards-like-a-fat-girl action. Still loves Simon even after he lambasted her. What a big, stupid trooper. Gets points for one of the most awesome falls ever.

Alexandrea Lushington – 16 years old, going to Hollywood after her “My funny Valentine” audition. The only thing snarky I have to say about her is that she was dressed a little bit like Patty Hearst in the surveillance tapes when she got brainwashed and helped hold up that bank.

Jared Wiley – Sang in a little girl falsetto. With an awesome lisp. I kept expecting him to break out singing “Three little maids from school are we!”

Nathan Hite – Came into the room armed with an attitude and a few not-so-well chosen retorts to what he predicted Simon would say. Actually, just the one retort that he repeated 3 times. Then went into some sort of weird, asshole standup routine. Blew Simon a kiss on the way out. I just wanted to kick him in the neck.

Amanda Overmyer – of COURSE she sang Janis Joplin. Who didn’t have that pegged as soon as she opened up her yap to speak? I was giddy as a schoolgirl that Simon stopped her from singing Janis’ “Mean Woman Blues” because it was like watching – as Simon says so eloquently – karaoke. Really bad karaoke. Janis is my girl, y’all. I take it as a personal affront anytime someone other than Melissa Etheridge sings a Janis Joplin song. Stop it. You’re just gonna wreck it and force me to hurl snarky remarks at you and call you names like “fucktard” and “dumbass”.

Josiah Leming – Living in his car for the last year. He said he “loves” living in his car, because he’s a dumbass who essentially dropped out of school and ran away from his home – warm bed, roof and food included. Dumb fuck. What the FUCK is with all the sad stories today? I can only imagine that Paula is going to have another complete breakdown when she hears about this. His singing? Weird. The reaching out with the arm and grabbiness of the chest and bouncing up and down was distracting. And the English accent while he was singing? What? You’re from TENNESSEE. What the hell was it with the 3 judges? They loved him way too much. So naturally, I hate them.

Atlanta had better auditions than the last couple of locations, in my opinion. Tomorrow night is “Hollywood or Bust”, and what I imagine to be a lame one hour montage of the worst of the worst so far this season. All I care about is that it’s the last night of this audition shit, then on to Hollywood Week. Thank God. I’m this close to going knife shopping.

Audition Recap: Atlanta

Dear Ryan Seacrest: Please don't wear graphic tees with blazers anymore. It hurts me. Thanks in advance. Love, Jess.

Now, onto my real-time notes with no time stamps or context. In other words, you had to be there.

Josh Jones: Cute. Kind of weird. Tells bad jokes. Didn't love the voice. I do hope he makes it to the Top 24, though. Wanna know why? Because I want him to be this season's camera fucker and FUCK ALL OF US WITH HIS DEMON EYES! He can skull fuck the audience at home, as opposed to Justin Guarini, who made sweet love to us, tenderly, with his soulful eyes. And yes, I do blame Justin Guarini for the fact that we have numerous camera fuckers each season. I do think Ace Young was the worst offender, though. The scar. Dear God, the scar.

(Side note: I made the most kickass eggplant and chicken casserole for dinner, which I'm eating right now. I'm pretty proud of myself, as it was all improv. Also, Go Obama!)

J.P. Tjelmeland: Sweetie, you don't have star quality. Stop auditioning. Seriously. Also, what is your nationality with that last name (genuinely curious), and why are you dressed like me circa 1993 when I shopped exclusively at PacSun, hung out with skater boys, and listed "Scribbling Jane's Addiction lyrics into the margins of my notebooks" as my favorite pastime?

Why are we seeing people from all of the other audition cities while illustrating how unable to dispel criticism Paula Abdul is? Is it just so we can see just how many items of clothing she has in her closet in animal print?

Asia'h Epperson: Sad story. Not to be catty (because really, when would I ever do that?), but why did Paula compliment her on her outfit? I mean, she wasn't wearing a stripper dress or a statue of liberty costume, but really, she had some decent jeans and a shapeless top on. The hell? Simon liked her smile, and I agree. I also think Paula is drunk. "That's where passion comes from." What? Where? I won't give Paula shit for crying, though. I admit, I got misty. Plus, I cry a lot when I'm hammered, too.

Oh, shut up. None of you bitches are as sweet as a Georgia peach.

Brooke Helvie: She is so completely terrible in every way that she's crossed over into awesome. I get the feeling that the judges didn't actually want to put her through, but the producers dictated it. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Simon: "Possibly the most annoying person I have ever seen in my life." Annoyingly awesome!

Ryan, why are you dressed like a 10-year old boy going golfing with his dad for the first time?

Eva Miller: Has anyone else fallen down during their audition? That ruled. So did her awful audition. I call bullshit on a lot of people, but I have to disagree with Simon here. She's for real. I'm sure of it. White leggings and all. White leggings, really? I so wanted her to grab Simon's package during the hug.

(Side note: People, stop saying you've been singing since you were a child. All children, save for the mute, sing. It doesn't prepare you for a career in music.)

Ryan is adorable with the old ladies.

Alexandrea Lushinton: It was good, but um, did no one notice that OH MY GOD SHE IS TOTALLY A 16-YEAR OLD MELINDA DOOLITTLE AND SHE EVEN SANG A MELINDA DOOLITTLE SONG? Not to state the obvious or anything.

The bad: Michael Gregory (who I found oddly endearing), Chris Lars (raped and pillaged right after the audition) and Jared Wiley (What?!)

Nathan Hite: I so would have made out with this guy in high school. I'm not sure I would have admitted it afterward, though. Dude, stop talking and go. Seriously. I know you're 16 and obnoxious, but go home. Really. The parents seemed as uncomfortable with the "spooning" comment as I did.

Amanda Overmyer: I have fond Janis Joplin memories. I hear Janis and I think about my mom and I doing dishes when I was a kid, dancing around the kitchen and singing along to Pearl. We do a sweet "Me and Bobby McGee," with harmony and everything. This show is KILLING MY MEMORIES. Paula proclaimed her "this season's Chris Daughtry" as if that's a good thing. "Hey, we have this season's generic rocker with no unique talent and charisma. Go us!"

Homeless Kid: Okay, he has a name, and it's Josiah Leming, which sounds like the next cult messiah's name. I do not feel bad for this kid. He had a home, had a family, and he dropped out of school and decided to live in his car. Unless this kid was beaten or molested at home, he's an idiot. Oh, and Madonna called. She wants her fake British accent back. And of course Paula likes him. She's an idiot, too. Really, we're going to have to see this kid again? UGH.

There you have it, folks. I guess we have some bullshit clip show tomorrow, and then next week, finally, thankfully, we're on to Hollywood week. I'm counting the minutes.

Forever Our Girl

So did y'all see Paula Abdul perform at the Suberbowl pre-game show yesterday? If not, have I got a treat for you. It's like 1989 up in here! And Randy Jackson is playing guitar! Hey, did you know Randy was in Journey? I don't think he's ever mentioned that!

Britney, if Paula can pull this off, you can, too. Remember that.



And here's the always adorable Jordin Sparks rocking the national anthem pretty hard:

Friday News Update

First, an announcement. I hereby promise to suck less when it comes to posting going forward. The truth is, I have an overwhelming amount of stuff currently overwhelming me. But I have this whole time management plan! And it's in Excel so you know it's serious! Anyway, here's your looooong news update, as I have a lot of stuff I haven't covered:

Jordin Loves America
Are you going to be a patriot (As in American, not as in the New England Patriots. Go Giants!) this Sunday and watch the Superbowl? If so, make sure you tune in for the national anthem. One of the few Idol contestants who has never been hated by even one of the ladies here at Midol, Jordin Sparks, will be belting it out. Plus, all of freaking Hollywood will be there.

More Superbowl News
Paula Abdul will also be performing her new song at the Superbowl, "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Paula ALWAYS dances like there's no tomorrow. Give it a listen, if you don't mind the fact that you'll never get those precious minutes back.

Britney's Ex the Next Bucky Covington
Okay, I haven't watched Miami yet, but apparently there was this guy named Robbie Carrico? And he's Bucky-esque? And he sang, "Simple Kind of Man," which makes him even more Bucky-esque? Apparently, Bucky 2.0 banged everyone's favorite trainwreck back in the day, one Miss Britney Spears. Okay, they say it was some sort of "relationship," but there was probably banging involved.

This Just In: Reality TV Not So Real
So remember Julie/Julia Dubela, from one post ago? She has a "bugaboo" with the show and its judges (she really said "bugaboo," people) -- mainly that the judges were mean and the segment was edited in a way that didn't 100% reflect what really happened. Like, maybe 98%. 97 if we're really being technical.
Also, because I found it so amusing yesterday, Julie/Julia Dubela's official site.

Clay Aiken: Asexual?
Why ABC News feels this is a story is beyond me, but I'm just here to do my job. Apparently, Clay Aiken says he has no sexual urges, has never had a relationship, and doesn't have the time or interest for one. Then they got some shrinks to talk about the difference between being "asexual" and "too tired for sex." To tell you the truth, this all saddens me a great deal. If he's not gay, and he's not straight, then the world is being deprived of sex with Clay Aiken, and that's the real tragedy, if you ask me.

Undiscovered? Yeah, Right
Vote for the Worst is keeping a running tally of what the Idol contenders did before auditioning. As it turns out, the whole "raw, undiscovered talent" aspect of the show is kind of bullshit, as many of the contestants have been in the industry for quite some time.

Top 24 Spoilers
So in real time, the Top 24 of season 7 have already been selected. Naturally, there are rumors flying around about who they are, exactly. Here's a maybe-final list:

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy (pictured)
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Tuesday Idol Recap – Melissa is in Hell

Okay kids, this is gonna be down and dirty. My DVR crapped out day before yesterday so this is all gonna be on the fly – no rewindies. Plus, I’m in a shit mood, and I’ve got a raging headache.

Picture it: Omaha, Nebraska, the winter of 2008. Corntown, USA. Tens of thousands of hopefuls herd like cattle with their sites set on becoming the next American Idol. Why, oh why didn’t they put two and two together and realize that with the exception of a very precious few, they’d only end up on the “you suck” reels of the audition broadcast? Don’t these people WATCH American Idol? If you can’t sing, a cow costume isn’t going to confuse the judges into thinking that you can.

Chris Bernhsldjhtgswdkljkjhsd - I missed his last name because, well, I can’t rewind, and it sounded like maybe there were no vowels in it. Gets points for the most retarded handstand I’ve seen, maybe ever. He is but another blip on the total suck radar. According to Randy, he’s “the next Seacrest” which is code for “you’re a gaywad.”

Paula Abdul arrives on the show late because “her plane was delayed.” And by “her plane was delayed”, I mean “she was sleeping off last night’s goofballs.”

Rachael Wicker – She sounded better by miles and miles than most people auditioning this season so far. On to Hollywood, blondie. Congrats.

**Side note on Rachael Wicker: Who the CAPITOL F is Randy to talk about people who sing country “doing this half yodel thing”, when he actually ENCOURAGES the horrific “runs” that we’re assaulted with by contestants every season? Extra notes are extra notes, Randy. Call them what you want, but don’t penalize a decent singer for bending a note every once in a while when you endorse it in others.

Sara Whitaker – Bring on the Gothball retard with the tiny chiclet teeth and pancake makeup the color of typing paper. And make sure to add bad maniacal laughter to the equation. Oh, and make sure she sings some freakish show tune. Badly. Because that just fits.

Samantha Sidley – This chick came ALL THE WAY from Los Angeles to perform her karaoke version of “I don’t know why” and try to sound exactly like Norah Jones? Really? Too much disposable income. And the only thing they had to critique her on was “not enough showmanship”? With a horrible, breathy audition like that, how would anybody know if this chick has any range to her voice? Can she wail a ballad? Can she rock out? Does she have ANY range??? My money is on “she doesn’t.”

POINTLESS SHITTY BACKSTORY ALERT

Angelica Puente - Her dad “was strict and wants his kids to do the best because his life wasn’t the best.” So your dad wants you to do well? That IS strict! Yawn. Lots of pictures of a shirtless dad, tears, and another audition that sounded just like the rest… and included – what, Randy? Yodeling? Yet Randy said “yes”. Curious. Tearful yet anticlimactic phone call to shirtless dad followed.

David Cook – Blake Lewis wants his fauxhawk and argyle sweater back. Sang “Livin’ on a prayer” as a ballad. It was bizarre to say the very least. Good vocal though. And on to Hollywood he goes.

Johnny Escamilla – The Gold lamé jacket and Moe Howard haircut are you, honey. Oh, and Paula has “the hiccups”. For the same reason Hobos have the hiccups.

MONTAGE ALERT – Steeler’s Wheel: “Stuck in the Middle with you”

Just the typical “well, you’re gonna be on TV but it’s nothing to be proud of” montage. I especially loved the Renaissance garb-wearing, horn clad dork couple singing as a duet. They made me completely stabby.

Leo Marlowe – The last audition. I thought he was okay at best. At BEST. Simon, Randy and Paula nearly tripped over themselves to send him to Hollywood. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m not expecting to see him but once more.

Tomorrow night - Miami, Florida. It will be the largest number of auditions featuring songs by Gloria Estefan. Ever.

Melissa’s Wednesday Idol Recap - Charleston S.C.

I’ve managed to finish off last night’s brownies and I’m waiting with baited breath for the Idol auditions in Charleston, South Carolina to start. You could cut the tension with a knife! Well, not really. But I’ve been drinking. On with the “to the minute” recap.

7:02 - Oliver Hymen: Really? That’s really his name? His dad’s name is Buster.

7:03 – Raysharde. His awesome ‘fro was the best thing about him. Also, the first suggestion for “Raysharde” from my spell check was “Retarded”, which is even more awesome than his rockin’ ‘fro.

7:04 - DeAnna Prevatte: Frustrated waitress & potty mouth. I have no room to talk, but I’m not on national television trying to impress Simon Cowell. Sang Reba’s “Fancy” and it scared me so much a little pee came out. But again, I’ve been drinking.

7:12 - Crystal and Randy, the self-proclaimed Guru: What the shit? Besides the bizarre, horrific assault on the senses that was their dual audition, all their grody canoodling and public tongue hockey made me want to chunder. NEXT.

7:14 – The Lampkins, or “Crazy Tie Head” and his sister Michelle. Somehow, against everything that is good and right, they each got their golden tickets to Hollywood. Michelle’s ticket was tentative, contingent on her brother making her learn how to have talent. Does anyone else besides me smell a Malakar disaster with the Lampkins? Cause it reeks.

7:27 – “Amy Catherine. AC. Whatevs.” I didn’t catch her last name because I was trying to count the number of times she said the word “like” in her aimless rant on abstinence. I recently debuted a fart that had more musical talent than her. I’m writing this before I’ve heard the judges’ verdict and if they pass her on to Hollywood I’m going to punch myself in the head repeatedly.

7:30 – Commenced with the head punching during the commercial break, but not before the teaser about the contestant named Aretha, and her ginormous titties that ate Charleston.

7:34 – the third “Oliver Hymen” reference. It cracks me up every time.

SNARKY RANT ALERT ** SNARKY RANT ALERT **

7:34 – London Weidberg: Pretty and skinny and Simon loved her from the moment she walked in the door. Sang well, but was annoyingly breathy and dramatic. Then Simon said exactly what I was thinking while I was listening to her: “There are thousands of girls like you all over the country.” Every time I hear a vaguely reasonable female audition I think precisely the same thing. It was pretty good, but there was nothing unique about it whatsoever. Where the hell are the unique female vocalists? We need some rocker chicks, damn it! A chick with some balls. I don’t remember any from the previous auditions this season, and although “rocker chicks” have been the complete and total suck in seasons past, I still think we need one or two. I’m sick to death of female vocalists (and I use the term “vocalists” loosely) who pattern their vocal style after Mariah Carey (gag) or Christina Aguilera (vom). Doesn’t anybody get turned on by Chrissie Hynde anymore?

7:43 – Lindsey Goodman: The Air Force C-17 Pilot and cute as a doodlebug. Sang “Black Velvet”, always an audition killer in my opinion. She was stiff and wooden in her audition, but I think the real reason they didn’t send her to Hollywood is because Randy and Simon were overcome with intimidation and C-17 envy.

7:46 – Aretha Codner: Holy Mammary Glands, Batman! I thought she sang a hell of a lot better than Simon thought she did; told her she sounded terrible and said she “murdered the song”. And of course his sheep, Randy & Paula followed suit. Baaaaaaa. Sure, she changed pitch once or twice, but she actually sounds like she has a trainable voice and I think they’re all passing on her for the wrong reasons. Must have been distracted by her HUGE TITTIES. If it makes you feel any better Aretha, I thought you sounded pretty good. And that you should wear a support bra.

7:50 - Joshua Boson: I can’t even comment about his voice because it was such a bad caricature. But I WILL comment on the fact that he said “This show is fake and rigged!” and it pushed Simon’s fake-and-rigged button. Well Joshua, maybe it is fake and rigged, but you’re still a no-singin’ tool. That part is real.

7:57 – anonymous blond chapeau’d idiot: “Randy called me a Disney character.” Careful there, I almost spilled my drink.

7:58 – Oliver Highman: Well, now that I know how it’s spelled, it’s not nearly as funny. Wait – yes it is. I’ve been drinking. Just say it. Say it out loud. His audition sounded like the understudy for an opera Diva wrecking an aria. But his name makes me giggle like a little girl.

Next week – Omaha Nebraska. Where, from what I can tell from the previews, the people there are genuinely frightening and I’m gonna need a whole lot more alcohol.