How's That for Accuracy?!

God, we're good. Mejack and I went 4 for 4 in our predictions: Paul Kim, Amy Krebs, Nicole Tranquillo and Rudy Cardenas are all heading home. If only I were this spot-on at the dog track...

I don't have much in the way of a recap of tonight's episode. As a form of ridiculous protest, I'm going to refrain from full-on recaps of hour-long results shows. They are not necessary! It's 50 minutes of fluff and extended commercials for past Idol winners' new CDs and projects and maybe about 10 minutes of actual content. Bastards. I shake my fist at them. Only I'm allowed to waste my time, hello?

While I'm bitching, I have two things to say about Quincy Jones' appearance on tonight's show. First, the camera cut to him while he -- a legend in the music industry -- was fishing something out of his mouth. What was it? A hair? Some errant fuzz? Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Mogul or no, it's just not a flattering shot. Who directed this travesty?

Then, Ryan engaged Quincy Jones in some mindless banter about Fantasia's upcoming run in The Color Purple (Psst, Fantasia! It's a musical, not a play. Thanks!) and no sooner had Quincy opened his mouth to respond when Ryan handed off the mic to Fantasia and told her to hit it. What?!?! Did Ryan Seacrest just IGNORE Quincy Jones? Um, I don't think you're allowed to do that. Not with Quincy Jones... Or Oprah Winfrey. And even though I hate him, Tom Hanks also falls into this category. Oh, and Rip Taylor. But that goes without saying...

Tacky tacky tacky! However, I am happy to hear about the American Idol Challenge. All you have to do is answer a trivia question either online or via text message. (The former method is free for you concerned cheapskates.) Then your info gets entered into a weekly drawing to win $10,000, a trip to Los Angeles and tickets to an American Idol live show. Also, each entry makes you eligible to win the Grand Prize -- $100,000 a trip to Los Angeles and tickets to the American Idol finale. Not too shabby!

It should come as no suprise that I already entered. After all, mama needs a new pair of sensible shoes. Good luck, fellow applicants. No wait, I take that back. I want to win so why am I wishing you luck? Duh, Curly. Nothing a bit of the old Wiccan magic and a good hex can't fix...

mejack recap

Not really impressed yet. At all. Some thoughts on last night's performances:




Rudy: Dude. Free Ride? Really? You can see that this guy made a stellar effort but all that song did for me was make me want to look for my copy of "Dazed and Confused" to watch after the show was over.

Brandon: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TRYING TO SEX UP THE CAMERA. This guy has a foxy Lenny Kravitz/D'Angelo thing going on but he is NOT going to gain my affections by making fuck me eyes at the camera. All I could think about was all the people who watch this show- like mothers and grandmothers- and that he was, for all intents and purposes, making sexy eyes at my mom. GROSS.

Sundance: Now this guy was an early favorite of mine but he has pretty much sucked since his first audition. Last night was no exception. I felt bad for him. If he makes it through he has to seriously kick some ass.

Paul Kim: Ok. first of all don't come out and say "Come On Y'all!" to the audience like you are going to sing some great crowd pleasing anthem and then break out "Careless Whisper". Just don't. Boooooooo.

Chris Richardson: I'm not seeing the appeal. He reminds me of my lab partner from high school. He seems like a very nice guy but he is awfully vanilla. I guess his performance was ok but I agree with Simon that his voice was not big enough.

Nick: Big smarmy, sissypants. Ew.

Blake: Right now he is my favorite. Go Blake. I will say however, that I don't think he gave as great a performance as the judges said- but then again everyone pretty much blew ass so I guess his was good in comparison.

Sanjaya: I felt bad for this kid. The judges were way harsh. He has such a nice face I got upset when they were so mean to him. I did not think his song was that much worse than the others. I voted for him.

Chris Sligh: Probably NOT the best idea to rip on Simon (and make him UNCOMFORTABLE) but still- this guy is hilarious. His song was ok. I still can't help but think of Jack Osbourne when I see him.

(Sidenote- Simon can dish it out but TOTALLY can't take it. HA. Don't worry Simon, you are still my homeslice)

Jared: Blah. Lite FM

AJ: I loved AJ. I honestly think he was the best.

Phil: I don't know what it is about this guy that freaks me out. His voice is pretty good but he has those weird bug eyes. I also think it's pretty sad that he chose to stay at the auditions while his wife was in labor. I have to say that if my husband missed the birth of our baby because he was trying out for American Idol he would never make it to Hollywood because he would be DEAD.


All in all, I am not really loving any of these guys. No one totally nailed any of their songs. I would say AJ came the closest but then again what do I know.

predictions: Rudy, Paul OUT

Top 12 Boys: The Recap

Mmm... Top 24. We finally made it. Gawd, it took long enough. But far be it from me to be a further cock tease so let's get down to business. Here's how the Top 12 boys fared tonight:

Rudy Cardenas
Peformed: "Free Ride" by The Edgar Winter Group
Oh my God, that was horrendous. Dude, Randy, the ass munch to end all ass munches, called you "corny." How can you ever recover? You can't. Leave now. Don't even show up for the results show. Seriously, go.

Brandon Rogers
Peformed: "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson
Brandon is this season's official Camera Fucker. He follows in the footsteps of Justin Guarini, Constantine Maroulis and Ace "Lookie at My Scar" Young. Um... not exactly the best company to be keeping, Brandon. But you seem like a nice fella so I'll spare you a bitch slap, even though your song sucked ass. Do better next week. Might I suggest less camera fucking and more note hitting? Give it a whirl, why don't ya?

Sundance Head
Peformed: "Nights in White Satin" by The Moody Blues
Oh, Vagina Beard... what a horrific mess you've become! I believe Simon summed it up best: "I don't like you tonight." Actually, I wasn't too keen on you during the Hollywood Week neither. What the hell happened to you?!

Several weeks back I likened Sundance to Meat Loaf because I think they're both fat fucks. Little did I realize back then that the comparison would run much deeper than dimpled flab.

In tonight's outing, Sundance affected a Meat Loaf-like yelp as well as some dramatic hand gestures and flourishes for good measure. All that was missing was the handkerchief and that chick with the black curly hair who sing-talks to Meat Loaf in several songs on the Bat Out of Hell album. Speaking of which... don't get any ideas, Sundance! Take my advice and stay away from "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" or ew, "Heaven Can Wait." Nothing good can come of it. And don't get any fancy ideas about singing Styx or Blue Oyster Cult neither. You've been warned.

Paul Kim
Peformed: "Careless Whisper" by Wham!
Yet another train wreck. Not the most auspicious start to the season, I must say. Paul not only irritated my ear drums with his attempted falsetto, but he also incurred my wrath by executing the dreaded "touch the pretend headphone" gesture mid-screech. There's nothing in your ear, shit head. But if I had my way, my foot would be. Stop the pantomiming! And get yourself some shoes! No one wants to see your gnarly bare feet.

Actually, I take that back. Don't heed my generous and helpful advice. You bore and sicken me simultaneously. Be gone.

Chris Richardson
Peformed: "I Don't Want To Be" by Gavin Degraw
I love.. no, ADORE Chris. His song was nowhere near perfect but he's adorable and looks like he's having fun and totally enjoying the experience. He could very well be my favorite this season. Chris will be treated with kid gloves by me. Anyone who dares besmirch his good name will know no such dispensation. I'll house your ass(es).

Nick Pedro
Peformed: "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx
Nick gets points for saying "Vote for Pedro" instead of doing the annoying "Call me!" gesture at the end of his performance but I have to immediately retract those points because he sang a Richard Marx song. Don't do that ever again, Nick. Ever.

Blake Lewis
Peformed: "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane
I love that Blake selected a Keane song. I was worried that he'd bust out the beat box yet again but he pleasantly surprised me with his song choice and competent delivery. I'm still a bit iffy about his personality but I won't quite add him to my shit list just yet. However, he does have serious dickhead potential. He could easily become a loathsome figure. The jury's still out but as far as tonight goes, he's okay by me.

Sanjaya Malakar
Peformed: "Knocks Me Off My Feet" by Stevie Wonder

Dear Sanjaya,
Don't let your sister select your songs anymore... because she clearly hates and resents you. I, however, do not. Nor does Jess. She sent me a text message during the show informing me that she "[wants] to smush" you. No, don't be scared! It's a good thing. It's similar to her desire to eat cute babies and crush the skulls of adorable puppies. No really, it's a compliment! We both think you're adorable. Say, can I brush your hair? Wait, why are you crying? Come back! It's okay. We mean you no harm. Come baaaaaaaaaaack! Resist your sister!

Chis Sligh
Peformed: "Typical" by Mute Math
I like Chris. I really, really do but I didn't quite care for his backtalk to Simon tonight. Insolence does not suit him, particularly when it sounds rehearsed. I like my barbs and comebacks sharp and quick-witted, which his usually are. Don't be so cheeky, Chris.

Jared Cotter
Peformed: "Back at One" by Brian McKnight
I did not enjoy this performance. Hell, I don't even remember enough about it to write something snotty. So I won't. God, I love editorial freedom.

A.J. Tabaldo
Peformed: "Never Too Much" by Luther Vandross
I think A.J. is adorable. I didn't love his song tonight but he's exuberant and eager and well, even a cranky beeyotch like me can recognize that. Good luck, A.J.

Phil Stacey
Peformed: "I Could Not Ask for More" by Edwin McCain
This is perhaps the most bipolar performance I've ever witnessed, ever. It started out in the shit house and found its way to fucking awesome before long. Also, I think Phil is kind of a doofus but I dig the way he graciously and wisely listened to Simon's critique. He's a good boy.

Wow, I'm getting soft. Actually, no, it's just fatigue setting in. It's late and I appear to be running low on my piss and vinegar reserves. We can't have that! I'll be good and tanked up for tomorrow night's take down of the girls. But, before I go...

Predictions
Because two contestants are sent home in this round, I'll forgo the usual Bottom Three prediction and cut right to the chase. I predict Rudy Cardenas and Paul Kim will be the first to get the boot. Good riddance!