Tuesday News Update

Hate the auditions? If you're like me, and you don't really care about the show until it gets into performances, and if you're unlike me, and don't have to watch and blog anyway, then is this the post for you! FOX released some of the important dates for the upcoming season, and I'd be a bad blogger if I didn't share them with you. Here they are:

February 12: Hollywood Round

February 13: Top 24 revealed

February 19-20: Top 24 perform

February 21: Two women and two men eliminated, and the beginning of the three-day Idol weeks, which make me want to shoot myself in the face.

Then we have a whole lot of guys on Tuesdays, girls on Wednesdays, and eliminations on Thursday, because apparently Nigel ignored my memo about how taxing it is on my social life to watch the show all three nights. I shake my fist at you, Nigel.

March 11: Top 12

Can't find any information about the finale just yet, but when I do, you'll be the first to know. Also, PR people, American Idol crew and FOX executives -- I sincerely hope we get our finale tickets this year, after being ignored every season thus far. You've been warned!

Unbreak My Heart

Picture it. Sicily. 1932. Wait, no. That's not right.

Picture it. New York City. 2008. Jess arrives home from culinary school (Pizza and focaccia night: Yum!), hits "List" on her DVR remote, and scans the trash she's taped: Gossip Girl, Rock of Love With Bret Michaels, Celebrity Rehab With Doctor Drew, and Planet Earth, because nature is a whore. No American Idol. But how can this be? she thinks, checking her Series Manager, only to find that Idol has mysteriously disappeared from her recording list. Stuffed to the gill with carbs and cheese and bursting with anticipation, she's left with only one option: News, and a frantic email plea to her similarly-afflicted sisters to pick up the slack until next week when she's, as the kids say, back to her regularly scheduled programming.

Playing the Ratings Game
In case you didn't hear, a lot of freaking people watch Idol. The season premiere averaged 33.2 million total viewers, making it the most watched show of the entire 2007-2008 season so far. Not too shabby, right? Well, consider this. Last year's premiere was 10% higher, with 37.3 million viewers. A bad sign? Well, considering there's a writer's strike going on and there's nothing else on fucking television, I'm going to go with "yes."

Simon Says Britney Can Call Him Any, Anytime
Simon Cowell sat down with the New York Post for some reason I can't quite identify, and dished on the show, his exit date, and Britney Spears. He calls the auditions "increasingly like torture," spills that he's only got two years on his contract (but doesn't say whether he thinks he'll re-up if given the chance), and offered his wisdom, compassion and paternal shoulder to one Ms. Britney Spears.

Why is Chris Daughtry Still Talking?
In a move that epitomizes his profund douchebaggery, Chris Daughtry told Rolling Stone that he thinks Idol is losing its luster. This comes on the heels of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee and Ruben Studdard losing their record contracts. Oh, and it was the night before the premiere, too. Methinks someone's still bitter they got voted off the show! Just think how lusterful the show would have been if a boring, Fuel-frontman wannabe with zero charisma, dumb sideburns and the same exact voice that emenates from every other pseudo-rock singer had won! Now that's some exciting TV!

No Apples For Nigel
This is a juicy one! Apparently, Nigel Lythgoe choreographed a musical film in 1980 called The Apple, which has been billed as one of the worst films ever. It ran as a double feature with Xanadu! And I promise you this, angels. I WILL find this. And I will watch it with glee. And then I will either show it to you or tell you all about it. If any of y'all have seen it, please share. PLEASE.

And to all, a good night. Fucking DVR.

We're Back, Bitches

So you know how we said we were going to post on the off-season? Well, that was stupid of us, and we aren't going to promise that anymore. What we are going to do, when this season ends and we sober up and restore our faith in humanity, is have a sign-up form which will enable us to notify you when we're starting the countdown for the next season. And then the show will probably get cancelled.

It's countdown time, angels! 32 days! We're going to try to post every day from now until then, and once the show gets started, well, there'll be no stopping us!

Before I get into the news, I have a very important announcement. Those of you who are regular Midol readers may be familiar with commenter Melissa McGee, she of the hilarious commentary. I believe she coined the term "old man mouth" as it relates to Blake Lewis. Anyway, we're delighted to announce she'll be joining our esteemed ranks this season! And also, Mejack, Curly and I will be live-blogging the premiere from the Official Idol Premiere Headquarters®, AKA Mejack's new apartment.

And without further ado, here's the first of many news roundups:

Britney's Banned
New season, new show formula. In the show's seventh season (Which Nigel Lythgoe claims has the best singers yet. Yawn.), contestants will be allowed to play instruments on stage, which means this season's Chris Daughtry will be even more annoying. Also, there will be fewer celebrities this year, which means less bitchy fun for us. Also, NO BRITNEY SPEARS. EVER.

Football, Now With More Jordin!
Jordin Sparks has been tapped (not by Curly, unfortunately for Curly) to sing the Star Spangled Banner at Superbowl XLII. Also, until I read that article, I completely forgot that Jordin won last year. That either shows how not-memorable the show's sixth season was, or how much pot I smoked in my youth.

Idol Cast-offs to Appear on Bones
Season 6 camera bangers Brandon Rogers and Ace Young will be guest starring on a not-yet-announced episode of Bones. In other news, Bones is still on. Who knew?

America Still Under the Daughtry Spell
Those rock-groupies-turned-soccer-moms sure have a lot of buying power. Billboard has named his boring, formulaic, depressing album the best seller of 2007. America, please, put down the punch. There is much better music available to you.

Clay Aiken on Broadway
In what's possibly the most bizarre news ever, Sir Clay has signed on to play Sir Robin in Spamalot from January 18 through May 4, 2008. And I am too flummoxed to even make a joke about it right now.

Thursday News Update

Nigel to Rosie: We Love Fatties, Black People
Idol Executive Producer Nigel Lithgoe has fired back at Rosie for calling the show "racist" and "weightiest" for keeping Antonella Barba after booting Frenchie Davis from the competition in season two. To illustrate his point, Nigel points out that Randy Jackson is a fatty-fatty-two-by-four. (TMZ)

Rosie to Nigel: Whatever
Rosie fired back at Nigel on her blog, with, you guessed it! Bad poetry. In a post entitled "star search/american idol," daytime television's own poet laureate says:

well…
what can u say really
from the coca-cola red couch

i call it as i see it
nigel l - sam r
same same same
1985 - 2007
blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah

Oooh, burn! And by "burn," I mean, wait, what? (r blog)

Jennifer Hudson's Surprise Visit
Jennifer Hudson reportedly dropped in on the season six semifinalists last week on elimination day. The reason, she said, was to meet them and offer encouragement. Let's hope she also told them a cautionary fairy tale about a girl who found success after Idol and then acted like a giant asshole and forgot where she came from. You know, like a fictional bedtime story. (Star Pulse)

Americans Love Daughtry, Hate Good Music
DAUGHTRY, the album from Chris DAUGHTRY's band DAUGHTRY (sensing a theme?) is at #1 again, apparently breaking all sorts of records. In other news, I listen to "It's Not Over" to help me get to sleep at night.

All Antonella Barba, All the Time
If you're still into that kind of thing, Little Brother, (who despite my text last night which said "vote for antonella and suffer my wrath" still did it) more pics of the Idol hopeful acting like a drunk college girl.

Antonella Barba Says "Keep Talkin'!"
On her MySpace page, Barba has posted a message which says, "Keep talking, you're making me famous." You have to be her friend to see the rest of her profile, though, and something tells me she isn't going to want to be our friend. But you want to be our friend, Don't you?

And now for the predictions:

Moi: Stephanie Edwards and Haley Scarnato, see ya!

Dial Idol's also got their money on Stephanie Edwards and Haley Scarnato.

AOL's Idol poll has Antonella and Haley at the bottom. If only.

And just because she's my American Idol, here's Tara Reid singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart":

Thursday News Brief

You'll have to forgive me if I'm a little light on the snark in today's news roundup. I'm still reeling from the fact that my boy, AJ Tabaldo, was sent home early tonight. That's just bullshit. I join my colleagues, Jess and Mejack, in condemning the sad state of affairs in this country. Shame on us! Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!

Here are your headlines, America, even though I have half a mind to deprive you of them entirely on account of your bad behavior tonight:

Jennifer Hudson to Be Honored in Her Hometown of Chicago
If there's any justice, AJ Tabaldo will receive a similar homecoming in Santa Maria, CA. People of Santa Maria, you best heed my advice. (People)

It's Official: Antonella's Not Getting the Boot
For those of you hoping the show would ship the rather reckless contestant back to Jersey, no such luck. Producer Nigel Lythgoe stated in a recent interview that Barba would remain on the program until the viewers voted her off.

Tonight, poor AJ Tabaldo is wondering where he went wrong. Oh right, he didn't flip off the camera repeatedly nor did he smile and say cheese whilst on the can. Silly boy! I guess he didn't want it bad enough. (National Ledger)

Katharine McPhee Spotted... Gasp!... Eating Food
The NYC gossip pages caught the Season 5 runner up dining on pineapple chicken fried rice and some awesome-sounding peanut butter dessert at Ruby Foo's this past weekend. Do you know who wasn't eating overpriced mediocre Asian food this past weekend? AJ Tabaldo, that's who! (NY Daily News)

And that's your lot, America. I hope you're satisfied.

Monday News Update

Today in Antonella Barba news: blowjob pics that may or may not be her! No one taught her that very important lesson about how letting people take racy photos of you in compromising positions in the Internet age is maybe not such a good idea if you want to become famous someday. I don't know about you, but I keep all my pics where I'm performing oral sex on people under lock and key. If you click through, photos are mostly safe for work. They have links to the super NSFW versions if you work at Penthouse or happen to be at home. Oh, Antonella. Anyone think she's going to get booted for this? (I Don't Like You in That Way)

Vote for the Worst Has Even MORE Shocking photos of Ms. Barba. Totally safe for work, but you might not be the same after seeing them.

Leslie Hunt has lupus, is being honored by the Lupus Research Institute Chicago (PR Newswire)

Nigel Lithgoe drops more hints about an upcoming announcement. I am getting really tired of Nigel's hints. I bet he leaves voicemail messages like, "Call me when you get a chance. I have some very important news!" I hate people who leave voicemail messages like that. I bet he makes people guess his age, too. (TV Week)

Didja hear? Jennifer Hudson won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar. Didja see? She dressed herself like a spaceman. (iVillage)

Rich, oily tool Brandon Davis did what he does best at Paris Hilton's 26th birthday bash on Saturday: acted like a complete ass. Inexplicably, Paula Abdul was in attendance, and, according to the Daily News:

But around 10 p.m., Davis started acting up. "He was hurling flowers at Paula Abdul," says a guest. "Then he began bombing her with Styrofoam flower-holders. He was shouting, 'Lick my [BLEEP], Paula!' He started mocking her ancestry by speaking gibberish in an Arabic accent.

And if you missed Tyra Banks feeling up Katharine McPhee, then watch this video and get with the program. How skinny does McPhee look, by the way?



Photo: I Don't Like You in That Way

News Brief

Are you excited for the top 12 boys tonight? I am SO motherfucking excited. In fact, I may even skip yoga and watch in real time. That's dedication, yo. Anyway, onto today's news:

Kelly Clarkson thinks Britney Spears is still hot with her bald head. I agree to a point -- it's a vast improvement over that busted up weave, but I'm not sure I'd go so far as "hot." (All Headline News)

Nigel Lithgoe says there's a big twist coming up, and it's not the much-talked-about songwriting competition. I'm thinking Paula Abdul doing kegstands halfway through every program. Oh wait, no. Paula's never been drunk. EVER. (TV Grapevine)

Simon Cowell hates kids, marriage. (Daily Mail)

Ayla Brown discusses song choices, outfits, and gives some advice to the Top 24. (Boston Herald)

If you got a busy signal while trying to place your vote for Taylor Hicks last season, you're not alone. Also, I think I might hate you. Here, a look at why the phone lines are so clogged up. (Forbes)

Michael Jackson and Nigel Lithgoe dispel rumors that Jacko's going to be on the show this season. I am so, so happy that I don't have to cringe my way through that freakshow. (Celebrity Spider)

News, News and More News

Well folks, it just occurred to me that no one posted a news update today. I should be going to bed, but how will I sleep if I know I've let y'all down? I won't, that's how. So without further ado:

In case you didn't watch the Grammys last night, our girl Carrie Underwood took home not one, but two, for Best New Artist and Best Country Song for "Jesus Take the Wheel." In other news, Jess has asked Jesus if maybe he wouldn't mind working for her tomorrow. We'll see if he comes through. (Celebrity Café)

Nigel Lithgoe hates blogs, will cut a bitch who tries to blog while on the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

Rumor has it Simon Cowell gave contestant Tom Lowe an unfair advantage. Wait, are they insinuating that reality television isn't really "real"? I refuse to believe it! (Buddy TV)

Celebs share what song they'd sing for Idol auditions. (People)

This little lady alerted us to some Hollywood week spoilers. And by "spoilers," I mean don't click this link if you don't want to know. I can't be held responsible for your spoilage – consider yourself warned. I also can't verify the accuracy of this information.

Hollywood week! Woo hoo! Bring it ON.