Monday News Update

It's all Obama, all the time out there in the news world, but we rifled through the inauguration coverage so that you wouldn't miss the Idol news that fell through the cracks.

Idol Stripper Gets Singing Gig
Remember David Hernandez, last season's stripper boy? Well, it turns out he's going to be crooning at the Grand Ballroom at the Renaissance Washington Hotel for the inauguration kickoff tomorrow. Also performing are Maroon 5, Host Jessica Alba and DJ and Lohan ladylove Samantha Ronson.

Idol Secrets Revealed!
Fox's Mike Darnell gave TV Week a sneak preview of what's ahead for this season. The highlights? More behind the scenes stuff, for one. There's a big surprise for the top 12 and it will be "controversial." Kelly Clarkson will make an appearance, like she always does -- surprise! And, uh, that's about it. Thanks for nothing, Mike Darnell.

Katrina Darrell's Secret Past
Stop the presses: Bikini girl Katrina Darrell used to be a Hooters girl. Grab the smelling salts! I know, I couldn't believe it either. I'm already sick of this girl and we haven't even gotten to Hollywood yet.

Friday News Update: Now With More Hoff!

So remember when Taylor Hicks won American Idol, and David Hasselhoff and I both burst into tears, me because I was weeping for the utter stupidity of my dialing countrypersons, and the Hoff because he was presumably one of said countrypersons? Well, not so, as it turns out. He of the momentous German fame told TMZ that he was sitting next to his friend who had brain cancer who has since passed on his birthday. And I'm not going to even snark on that, because I do have a shriveled heart in there somewhere. You can watch the video here.

Jeff Archuleta, father of David, is apparently a giant prick. He makes Joe Simpson look like an affable, loving gent who isn't at all creepily obsessed with his daughter Jessica's breasts, in fact. Jeff likes to harass David's competitors (i.e. Tiffany Evans on Star Search) and yell at little David all the time. Full story here.

Who will replace Amanda Overmyer as Vote for the Worst's newest poster girl? Why, Kristy Lee Cook, of course! I'm officially sick of VFTW. That chick has already overstayed her welcome by about three weeks. Story here.

Sing that Kumbaya in key, bitches! Idol Camp is back for its second year, with guest mentors Ace Young, Bo Bice and Jon Peter Lewis. Here's the baffling part of the story -- it says Ace Young was nominated for a Grammy?! "And the award for best camera fucker goes to..." Full story here.

Not to start a pro-life/pro-choice debate, but I think this is just whack -- "Idol Gives Back," the charity program of "American Idol," is not worthy of support from people who regard unborn life as sacred, a pro-life leader says." If you want to read the rest, it's here. If you're anything like me and prone to rage, you might want to just skip it.

Thievy McCopyrightinfringementpants, aka David Cook, is being taken to task for yet another stolen arrangement. Apparently his rocked-out version of "Eleanor Rigby" belonged to a band called Doxology, and they released a statement (Read it here). I'm guessing that's probably why David actually gave credit to Whitesenake for their arrangement last week.

Monday News Update

Castoffs Dish to MTV
Robbie Carrico, Alexandrea Lushington, Jason Yeager and Alaina Whitaker sat down with MTV to discuss Britney Spears, wig allegations, David Archuleta being a big crybaby, almost being in O-Town,and the shock of one generic blond getting sent home while another stays. Fascinating stuff.

Why Jess Can Never Have Kids
An Indianapolis woman was so engrossed in American Idol that she forgot her three-year-old daughter was taking a bath. The kid almost drowned, and her other four kids were placed in protective custody. Bad mother, or really great seventh season? You decide.

Odds on Asia'H
Gambling 911, which gave us some serious link love last week, has compiled the best bets for this season's Idol hopefuls. Asia'H Epperson and David Archuleta have the best odds so far.

Imagine No Magic Underwear
Alleged Mormon Brooke White is now a confirmed Mormon, and also an LDS member? David Archuleta. That's probably why he cut the first verse of Imagine.

Josiah Leming Probably Never Going Away
A Fort Wayne, Indiana radio station gave the cult kid a free car to live in, some clothes and "other gifts." Also, he's made 40 grand selling his music online. You know what you can do with 40 grand? Pay rent. Just a thought.

SHOCKING Ramiele Malubay Photo
Are you ready for it? The shocking lesbian photo that is taking the Internets by storm? Can you handle it? Here goes:



Not a Real Shocker
Not that anyone wants to see them, but apparently Amanda Overmyer has some nudie photos out there somewhere. Don't we all, really? When we see 'em, we'll post 'em. Conside yourself warned. Also, when Amanda isn't forcing out constipated grunts into a mic, she can usually be found drunk driving. Here's the mug shot from her October 2006 arrest:



Speaking of scandals, anyone got any pics of David Hernandez stripping? If so, please send them to our eagerly awaiting email box. We'll give you big kisses. With tongue.

Monday News Update

Are you ready for some headlines? No? Well, fuck you then. I'm delivering them anyway. Bite me.

Curly McDimple Is a Big Fat Liar
Okay, so this isn't news, nor a legitimate "Idol" headline but it's sadly true. In my sporadic posts this season, I have regaled you with promises of follow-up posts with more details, photos, etc. and I have yet to make good on any it. I blow.

Word to the wise: Don't fulfill a New Year's obligation to revamp your apartment in January and February when those are historically the busiest months of the year at your day job. No, I'm not an accountant. Fuck math! I deal with dopey celebs, yo. Don't they know it's prime "Idol" season? Can't they slap each other on the backs in a neverending series of self-congratulatory award ceremonies in, like, July or whatever? Selfish!!

I do apologize for my absence though. And now on to the meat and potatoes... Wait, or is it bread and butter? Or neither? Does any of this make sense? All I know is I'm still at work and really hungry. And you know it's dire when I, a vegetarian, start using meat as a figure of speech.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh right... And away we go...

Speaking of Self-Congratulatory Award Ceremonies...
Carrie Underwood, nominated for Best Female Country Vocal Performance ("Before He Cheats") and Best Country Collaboration With Vocals ("Oh Love" with Brad Paisley), will perform at the Grammys on Sunday, February 10. Related Story: Curly McDimple Will Mute Her TV During the Country Portion of the Program.

That's MRS. Tits McPhee, Thank You Very Much
Katharine McPhee and her creepy old manfriend finally got hitched. Now, as longtime readers know, I had a scorching case of the McPheever back in the day. Despite that, I'm not at all broken up about her betrothal. Why? Well, for one, I have a life and secondly, she's kind of a twit. I'm over it. Mazel tov!

'Idol' Shines Spotlight on Rett Syndrome
Okay, even I cannot say anything snarky about this. Man, I didn't expect to have to be this polite until Idol Gives Back week. I don't like being sappy so early in the season. Let's remedy that, shall we?

Sanjaya Is a Dickhead
I really don't even have to elaborate on this, right? Okay, since you insist... The Season 6 also-ran and his whore of a sister, Shyamali, were caught taking whatever wasn't nailed down at Super Bowl swag suites while demanding photographers pay them to pose for pictures. You know who's a bigger dickhead? The asshole who actually coughs up. Oh, and Al Roker.

That is all.

Friday News Update

First, an announcement. I hereby promise to suck less when it comes to posting going forward. The truth is, I have an overwhelming amount of stuff currently overwhelming me. But I have this whole time management plan! And it's in Excel so you know it's serious! Anyway, here's your looooong news update, as I have a lot of stuff I haven't covered:

Jordin Loves America
Are you going to be a patriot (As in American, not as in the New England Patriots. Go Giants!) this Sunday and watch the Superbowl? If so, make sure you tune in for the national anthem. One of the few Idol contestants who has never been hated by even one of the ladies here at Midol, Jordin Sparks, will be belting it out. Plus, all of freaking Hollywood will be there.

More Superbowl News
Paula Abdul will also be performing her new song at the Superbowl, "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Paula ALWAYS dances like there's no tomorrow. Give it a listen, if you don't mind the fact that you'll never get those precious minutes back.

Britney's Ex the Next Bucky Covington
Okay, I haven't watched Miami yet, but apparently there was this guy named Robbie Carrico? And he's Bucky-esque? And he sang, "Simple Kind of Man," which makes him even more Bucky-esque? Apparently, Bucky 2.0 banged everyone's favorite trainwreck back in the day, one Miss Britney Spears. Okay, they say it was some sort of "relationship," but there was probably banging involved.

This Just In: Reality TV Not So Real
So remember Julie/Julia Dubela, from one post ago? She has a "bugaboo" with the show and its judges (she really said "bugaboo," people) -- mainly that the judges were mean and the segment was edited in a way that didn't 100% reflect what really happened. Like, maybe 98%. 97 if we're really being technical.
Also, because I found it so amusing yesterday, Julie/Julia Dubela's official site.

Clay Aiken: Asexual?
Why ABC News feels this is a story is beyond me, but I'm just here to do my job. Apparently, Clay Aiken says he has no sexual urges, has never had a relationship, and doesn't have the time or interest for one. Then they got some shrinks to talk about the difference between being "asexual" and "too tired for sex." To tell you the truth, this all saddens me a great deal. If he's not gay, and he's not straight, then the world is being deprived of sex with Clay Aiken, and that's the real tragedy, if you ask me.

Undiscovered? Yeah, Right
Vote for the Worst is keeping a running tally of what the Idol contenders did before auditioning. As it turns out, the whole "raw, undiscovered talent" aspect of the show is kind of bullshit, as many of the contestants have been in the industry for quite some time.

Top 24 Spoilers
So in real time, the Top 24 of season 7 have already been selected. Naturally, there are rumors flying around about who they are, exactly. Here's a maybe-final list:

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy (pictured)
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Monday News Update

Kiddies, mama's got a splitting headache and a gag reflex on the brink of collapse so drop everything and listen up (and get the bucket and mop ready) because it's news roundup time and I'm in no mood (or state) to dilly-dally.

Actually, by all rights, it really should have been news roundup time hours ago when you people were bored at work and desperate for a distraction but, well, some of us don't have the luxury of wasting time and fucking around on The Man's dime.

Um, to clarify, the preceding statement should be translated as dripping with jealousy as opposed to a finger-wagging guilt trippy kind of thing.

God, I feel like ass but I will sally forth. However, it's really hard to combat the urge to puke and/or faint when I'm faced with images such as this during my quest to find you some news:

God damn you, TMZ. Damn you to hell.

Man, you know it's a slow news day when Seacrest's flab is the lead item. Here are the rest of the day's paltry headlines:

Former Tricycle Driver on 'American Idol'
I don't actually have anything to add to this news story. Hell, I didn't even read it because I can't quite get past the headline. I'm technically a former tricycle driver myself but it's not like I put it on my resume or call it out as a special skill when granting interviews. I suppose we should be grateful that the publication didn't choose to tout Renaldo Lapuz's graduation from diapers to big-boy undies. (Global Nation)

'American Idol' Invites Us to Ask Blake Lewis 'Nearly Anything'
Oooh! Oooh! I've got one, Blake. First-time caller, long-time listener, here and I just have to know... Why are you such a colossal douche? Thanks in advance for answering! (AmericanIdol.com; TMZ.com)

That is all. To the Pepto!

Tuesday News Update

Hate the auditions? If you're like me, and you don't really care about the show until it gets into performances, and if you're unlike me, and don't have to watch and blog anyway, then is this the post for you! FOX released some of the important dates for the upcoming season, and I'd be a bad blogger if I didn't share them with you. Here they are:

February 12: Hollywood Round

February 13: Top 24 revealed

February 19-20: Top 24 perform

February 21: Two women and two men eliminated, and the beginning of the three-day Idol weeks, which make me want to shoot myself in the face.

Then we have a whole lot of guys on Tuesdays, girls on Wednesdays, and eliminations on Thursday, because apparently Nigel ignored my memo about how taxing it is on my social life to watch the show all three nights. I shake my fist at you, Nigel.

March 11: Top 12

Can't find any information about the finale just yet, but when I do, you'll be the first to know. Also, PR people, American Idol crew and FOX executives -- I sincerely hope we get our finale tickets this year, after being ignored every season thus far. You've been warned!

Monday News Update

Hi, I suck. I was supposed to finish the second episode recap and provide photos on Thursday but I never did. So sorry. I am coming down from one of the most horrendous weeks in recent memory. My day job was stressful, my freelance gig kicked into hyperdrive and my friends left and right have been having emotional meltdown after emotional meltdown. In other words, I've been preoccupied.

I also decided to actually make good on my New Year's resolution to get my apartment in shape. I have been painting and spackling like the wind. Add to the mix battles with UPS, my web hosting company and zero funds until payday and perhaps you can get a glimpse into my psyche of late. Oh and did I mention I have the PMS? I have been deeeeee-lightful to be around.

But do you know what the upside to such turmoil is? Brut crazy strength! Thanks to an imbalance in estrogen, I single-handedly moved an armoire from one side of the room to the other. Twice. I'm indecisive when redecorating, you see.

But what was my point? Oh right... blog neglect. I'll be better, promise. So, without further ado, here are today's headlines:

American Idol is the Devil
Warner Todd Huston, a columnist from a Christian site, is in an absolute tizzy over the treatment Bruce Dickson, the 19-year-old virgin, received by a "a washed up 80s pop star, a fat guy no one ever heard of and some English dude."

Huston then proceeds to rail against liberal Hollywood's attack on Christian beliefs and morals. Um, because Christians are so accepting of those of differing beliefs and "lifestyles"?

Get laid, Warner.

'Idol' Ratings Kick Ass, Take Names
Well, duh. Alternate headline: "Ratings's Ass = Grass. American Idol = Lawnmower."

The Do's and Don'ts of Auditioning
Would-be warblers, take note. MTV lists what you should and should not do. Trust them. After all, these are the brilliant minds who brought us the wonder that is Tila Tequila and the "Real World/Road Rule Challenge." Trust them.

Suri Cruise Hearts Idol
It's her one respite from this.

Oh, and to prove that I'm not a total slacker, here's a photo of Brandon Green's toenails:

That is all. Bring on San Diego. Here's hoping they have personal tics that are a little less gnarly.

Unbreak My Heart

Picture it. Sicily. 1932. Wait, no. That's not right.

Picture it. New York City. 2008. Jess arrives home from culinary school (Pizza and focaccia night: Yum!), hits "List" on her DVR remote, and scans the trash she's taped: Gossip Girl, Rock of Love With Bret Michaels, Celebrity Rehab With Doctor Drew, and Planet Earth, because nature is a whore. No American Idol. But how can this be? she thinks, checking her Series Manager, only to find that Idol has mysteriously disappeared from her recording list. Stuffed to the gill with carbs and cheese and bursting with anticipation, she's left with only one option: News, and a frantic email plea to her similarly-afflicted sisters to pick up the slack until next week when she's, as the kids say, back to her regularly scheduled programming.

Playing the Ratings Game
In case you didn't hear, a lot of freaking people watch Idol. The season premiere averaged 33.2 million total viewers, making it the most watched show of the entire 2007-2008 season so far. Not too shabby, right? Well, consider this. Last year's premiere was 10% higher, with 37.3 million viewers. A bad sign? Well, considering there's a writer's strike going on and there's nothing else on fucking television, I'm going to go with "yes."

Simon Says Britney Can Call Him Any, Anytime
Simon Cowell sat down with the New York Post for some reason I can't quite identify, and dished on the show, his exit date, and Britney Spears. He calls the auditions "increasingly like torture," spills that he's only got two years on his contract (but doesn't say whether he thinks he'll re-up if given the chance), and offered his wisdom, compassion and paternal shoulder to one Ms. Britney Spears.

Why is Chris Daughtry Still Talking?
In a move that epitomizes his profund douchebaggery, Chris Daughtry told Rolling Stone that he thinks Idol is losing its luster. This comes on the heels of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee and Ruben Studdard losing their record contracts. Oh, and it was the night before the premiere, too. Methinks someone's still bitter they got voted off the show! Just think how lusterful the show would have been if a boring, Fuel-frontman wannabe with zero charisma, dumb sideburns and the same exact voice that emenates from every other pseudo-rock singer had won! Now that's some exciting TV!

No Apples For Nigel
This is a juicy one! Apparently, Nigel Lythgoe choreographed a musical film in 1980 called The Apple, which has been billed as one of the worst films ever. It ran as a double feature with Xanadu! And I promise you this, angels. I WILL find this. And I will watch it with glee. And then I will either show it to you or tell you all about it. If any of y'all have seen it, please share. PLEASE.

And to all, a good night. Fucking DVR.

Friday News Update: Jessica Sierra Edition

Remember Jessica Sierra? I don't, actually, because I skipped season four and its barrage of hairy men. Her official bio says she's from Florida, and likes country music. Anyway, homegirl's been all over the news lately. That's her mugshot. So without further ado, I bring you a very special edition of your daily news update.

The Arrest Details
Two weeks after pleading no contest to charges of battery and possession of cocaine stemming from an arrest in April, Jessica was arrested again for causing an "unspecified disturbance" at the Full Moon Saloon near Tampa, where she worked. She could face up to 11 years in prison on charges of disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest and violating parole. Bonus: she allegedly used racial slurs and offered a police officer sexual favors for her release.

The Pregnancy
She also has a baby on the way. The baby daddy is a "rapper," and Jessica is said to be "ecstatic." I would be too if I was going to have a baby in prison! Congratulations, Jessica.

The Sex Tape
Vivid Entertainment, the company that specializes in C-list celebrity sex tapes, is adding Jessica Sierra to their impressive roster of talent. "Jessica Sierra Hardcore" is now on DVD. Order yours today! (Site not entirely safe for work)

The Reality Show
Set your DVRs! In January 2008, Jessica will star in Celebrity Rehab With Doctor Drew alongside Andy Dick, Tome Sizemore, Brigitte Nielsen and Daniel Baldwin. On VH1, natch. In other news, I AM SO WATCHING THAT.

Tuesday News Update

An aside. I was at Virgin Megastore last night buying my moms the new Alicia Keys CD and they had a "new releases" board up top behind the registers. Blake Lewis was on it, alongside legitimate musicians. Wrong? Perhaps. But I'm not here to make fun of Blake Lewis. I'm here to bring you the news! So here I go:

Reality TV Good for Minorities
With no end to the writer's strike in sight, reality television is about to get huge, because it's been under the radar for so long. And shows like American Idol boast a diverse cast, with minorities frequently winning. And Tila Tequila and William Hung are good for minorities. What? Yeah, I don't know, either.

Alice Cooper and Jordin Sparks Dedicate School of Rock
Do I need to even comment on that one? No. Awesome.

Paula's Pee Stolen
A man who once worked at a gynecologist office Paula Abdul went to -- a self-described "fan" -- stole a urine sample of hers. He was fired, natch. I hope he wasn't planning to pass it off as his own to pass a drug test.

Morning After News Update

Well folks, it’s over. Can’t say I’m going to miss it. I’ve been a little MIA lately, due to starting a new job, quitting said job, going to Belize and then dealing with what travelers to Central America frequently deal with when they drink margaritas that have ice in them that was full of bacteria that their fragile digestive systems are not used to. TMI? Maybe, but it could have been a lot worse. Anyway, Jordin Sparks won! Yay Jordin! Actually, I don’t much care that Jordin won, because Melinda Dolittle was my homegirl, but I am full of glee that Blake Lewis DIDN’T win.

Without further ado, here’s your news. We’re going to continue to do news here at Midol, with frequency dictated by actual amount of news, my motivation level, and how much I’ve had to drink the night before.

Why Blake Lost
Because he wasn’t the best singer. Shocking, I know. Also, because he was a giant douche. Okay, that bit isn’t in the article, but I felt that it needed to be said. Also? No one born with a penis should ever wear a glittery argyle sweater vest. I stand by that. (Foxes on Idol)

Best of Season 6
Consider yourself warned – the “best of” is just as boring as the rest of the season was. Better luck next year! (Reality TV Magazine)

Idol: Losing its Edge?
A deconstruction of season 6, and the impact Idol will have on the, uh, 2008 election? Yeah, I don’t know, either. (Newsweek)

Simon Says, “Later, bitches!”
Simon Cowell shocked the world and the very fabric of the lives of everyone who lives in it by telling Extra that he plans to leave the show. IN THREE YEARS. Yeah, not exactly earth-shattering, that. Another season like this one and he might have to bail after two. (Hollywood.com)

Clyde Pickler Loves the Pokey
Kelly’s daddy is facing four felony theft charges after stealing a buttload of cars last week. I don’t know about you, but if I was a convicted felon on parole with a marginally famous daughter, I’d think that was a good idea, too. (ImediNews)

Thanks for tuning in, folks. Our long national nightmare is now over.

Breaking News

And by breaking, I mean cartilage. As in Paula's. Apparently, the dumb ass tripped over her Chihuahua and busted her schnoz.

Um, is it just me or does "tripped over her Chihuahua" sound like dirty innuendo?

Naturally, this week's Paula Abdul Insanity Index will reflect her unfortunate injury. Stay tuned for more having fun at Paula's painful expense.

Friday News Update

Idol Gives Back a Buttload of Dough
30 million dollars, to be exact. And I'm not sure why Ryan Seacrest didn't mention it, but we here at American Midol have decided to match the funds raised! Pay up, Curly. Seriously, though, that’s awesome. (Gulf Times)

The King is Still Dead
I know – I really thought that was Elvis, too. The technical term for how they did that is rotoscoping. I thought it was some Star Wars hologram shit, but what do I know? (ABC News)

Simon Says, "Come Back To Me!"
Simon Cowell admitted to missing Sanjaya Malakar this week. And this, my friends, concludes my nonsexual love affair with Simon Cowell. (The Post Chronicle)

Pro-Lifers Poo-Poo on Everything
Pro-life groups are not happy with the charities "Idol Gives Back" has decided to donate money to, namely UNICEF and Save the Children, because they support abortion rights. They’ve even started a letter writing campaign. How very Christian of them. (Life News)

Momjaya: Pothead, Criminal
Sanjaya Malakar's mom was busted in 2005 for growing a whole bunch of pot plants. Sister Shyamali is apparently also a pothead, which would explain the naked guitar playing. Ah, how I miss my college days. (TMZ)

Paul Abdul, Unfugged!
The Fug girls say, "Well played!" I say, cute shoes, but I’m not loving the ruffle.

Phil Stacey is the Worst
With Sanjaya gone, Phil Stacey moves into the VFTW slot. Personally, I'd put Chris Richardson in there, despite his uber-adorableness (Chris, call me!), but I don't run the site.

And if you missed Sanjaya Malakar on Letterman this week, you missed all the, uh, fun, I guess.

Monday News Update

So I kinda I blew off Friday's news update and I never bothered to update The Official Paula Scattergram. Yeah, I kinda suck. Anyhoo, the latter is coming soon and the former is... well, do you really care at this point? It's old by now. Move on.

Here are today's headlines:

It's Official: Phil Stacey Is the Worst
It took a website to tell us this? I've been saying this for weeks, bitches. (Vote for the Worst)

Sanjaya Delivers Tonight's Top 10 List on 'Letterman'
Nope, the shock of his meteoric rise/fall/newfound fame still hasn't worn off. I need more time. (Orlando Sentinel)

Sanjaya Did D.C.
Global warming, schmobal warming -- it was Karl Rove's impassioned defense and feverish voting for Sanjaya that set Sheryl Crow off. (People)

Ellen DeGeneres to Host 'Idol Gives Back'
Ellen promises to give Paula a run for her money what with all the rambling anecdotes, non-sequiturs and sporadic fits of dancing. At least it ain't Rosie. (CBS News)

Celine & Elvis to Perform Duet... Yes, I Said Celine & Elvis to Perform a Duet. I Shit You Not
It's far too creepy and sacrilegious for me to give it an ounce more thought so I won't. (TMZ)

Thursday News Recap: Special Sanjaya Edition

Hey guys! Did you hear the news? Sanjaya Malakar got sent home! I'm sure you didn't hear anything about that today, because like, the media is totally not covering every angle it can think of! This is huge, people! Anyway, without further ado:

Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy to See Sanjaya Go

Sanjaya on life after Idol

Sanjaya Thought it Was Awesome When Simon Told Him He Sucked

Britney Spears' Downward Spiral Now with More Sanjaya

Sanjaya Maxim's "Today's Girl," Maxim Offensive Douchebags

Vote For The Worst: The Search For The Next Sanjaya

Friday News Update

Hi, I'm Carson Daly and I'm a Massive Tool
Carson joins the voting for Sanjaya bandwagon citing the singer's different hairstyles as his main reason for doing so. I'll just leave it at that because really, I can't say anything snotty enough to make Carson look even worse. (People)

We'll Always Have Paris... To Hate On
My, my... it seems Ms. Bennett has quite the Jennifer Hudson-like resentful streak going on. Calling the show "a joke," among other things, the squeaky-voiced runt from Season 5 is throwing her support behind Sanjaya in an effort to ruin the show. You know, the very show that made her famous... Well, as famous as Paris Bennett can possibly be. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell: This Season Blows
'Nuff said. (Reality TV World)

Behind the Scenes with the 'Idols' and Entertainment Weekly
This week's EW is devoted to the show we love to hate. Check out this five-minute (ish) video to get some insight into the Idol personalities from the man who interviewed them: Dave Karger. Again, no further snot from me because, unlike Carson Daly, I actually dig Dave Karger. I find his writing and Today show appearances to be delightful.

And yes, I'm hoping he Googles himself and drops us an email. Hi Dave! (EW)

Bucky's CD Hits Stores
Personally, I don't give a rat's ass but I know the mention would make Jess and Mejack happy and I'm nothing if not a shameless ass kisser... except when it comes to Bucky. And Paris. And Taylor Hicks. And Chris Daughtry. And Paula Abdul. And Ernest Borgnine. (Elites TV)

Thursday News Update

J. Lo: That Was Harsh, Yo
It seems Jennifer Lopez didn't think Simon's critique of Haley Scarnato's ever-shrinking wardrobe was very nice. Of course, this is also coming from a woman whose less-than-modest wardrobe choices revolutionized the use of double-sided tape. Hit a nerve, Jenny? (People)

TMZ Goes Inside 'Idol'
The venerable gossip site scored some tickets to this week's show and filed a report on what happened on-camera and off. Why should you care? Two words: Donna Mills. (TMZ)

Season 2 Sex Tape Scandal!
Season Two contestant Olivia Mojica and her boyfriend recorded some of their hot monkey sex and the tape is making the rounds. The only shocking and/or noteworthy thing about this? I have no recollection whatsoever of Olivia. None. However, people will no doubt Google her and I'm a whore for search term traffic so into the news update she goes. Welcome, horny Googlers! (TMZ)

The Truth about Haley's Gams
The long-legged purveyor of suck would like us to believe that her spectacular legs benefit from a bit of the old Max Factor magic. Oh shut up, Haley. Your legs are your one true talent. Embrace 'em and flaunt 'em 'cause your singing sure as hell ain't getting you anywhere. MEE-ow! (EW)

Sanjaya's Sweet Lord
Did you know that Sanjaya's family are former Hare Krishnas? You know, come to think of it, I thought I saw him rocking a tambourine in an airport once. Oh, and he was also poor or some shit like that. Read on. (The Post Chronicle)

Holy Rollers Rejoice that a Dirty Heathen Got the Heave-ho
Hallelujah and praise be! Haley has rejoined Satan in the Ninth Circle of Hell while the Bible Thumpers, Phil Stacy and Jordin Sparks, survived another week. Praise Jesus and pass the collection plate for their prayers have been answered. It's good to know the Son of God is focusing on what really matters. (The Christian Post)

Monday News Brief

Move Over Alaina...
Chris Richardson found something leaner... Lauren Conrad, to be exact. I really have nothing to add because I don't care enough about the girl to investigate further except that I think she's on one of those MTV shows I don't watch. Am I right? It's some unscripted crap about a hilly beach or some shit like that, yes? Oh, I don't care, just as long as Chris is gettin' him some, gettin' him some. That's my boy. (BuddyTV)

Hooked on Phonics Worked for Fantasia
She's not illiterate. She just can't read lots of letters when they're next to lots of other letters. There's a difference, duh. (People)

Paula Said What?
Are you like me? Have you memorized all of Paula's ramblings this season? If so, test your scary mettle with EW.com's new quiz which asks you to name the judge's critique. Here's a hint: If the quote contains the word "dawg" in it, it's a good bet it's Randy. You're welcome. (EW)

Don't Be Fooled by the Rocks That She's Got...
... She's still one of the single most overrated musical talents ever. That's right, boys and girls, J.Lo hits the Idol stage this week. Stay tuned for lots of uncomfortable interactions, empty praise, fake hugs and -- her speciality -- deep nasal vocals. Hot. (AmericanIdol.com)

Friday News Update

Is Ryan Seacrest's Future in Unattractive Eyewear?
According to Larry King, it could very well be. The creepy late-night host with a propensity for proving his virility with young trophy wives thinks Ryan Seacrest, of all people, is his suitable replacement when he retires. Seriously, Larry King? Oh wait… on second thought, if ridiculous overcompensation is the main prerequisite for landing the gig then well yes, Ryan is the heir apparent. (FishbowlLA)

Sanjaya Malakar: A Pundit's Perspective
Eugene Robinson, a top political correspondent from The Washington Post, weighs in on the Sanjaya issue. Glad to know that with the whole war in Iraq, upcoming presidential election and general brink of doom the word is teetering on, The Washington Post retains its perspective.

Jordin Scores a Touchdown with the NFL
Wow, I think I just took the crown for the most pat, unoriginal news headline ever. Go me! Rah rah sis boom bah and all that other shit. (People)

People Tend to Think Sanjaya Sucks, Blah Blah Blah
Concerned that Vote for the Worst is having an adverse effect on this season's results, VoteAgainstTheWorst.com was launched in an effort to restore "integrity" to the program. Um, have you actually seen those Ford commercials we're saddled with each week, Vote Against the Worst? Still going with the integrity thing, are ya? (TMZ)

Carrie Underwood Feels Icky Around Boys
Have you considered girls, Carrie? Namely me. I'll respect you in the morning, I swear. No really I will. And I won't blog about it. It will just be our secret. I couldn't be more serious. I mean it. Call me. I love you. (People)

Thursday News Update

Gina Glockson loved My Girl 2, is Mexican
The booted Idol contestant (and yes, I'm still pissed) talks about her last night. She also reveals that all contestants who don't make it are required to see a therapist before they leave. (EW)

India says "Sanjaya who?"
To all of you racists who were buying into that theory that Indian call centers were keeping Sanjaya Malakar on the show, it's sadly not true. So if it's not Indian call centers, and it's not Howard Stern and Vote for the Worst, then I guess it really is dumb Americans. Oh, and my boyfriend. I'm still working out a suitable revenge tactic for that one. (Belleville News-Democrat)

You Write the Songs
So the songwriting competition is finally underway. I think I'm going to write one – I mean, sure, I'm tone deaf and can't play any instruments, but I still think I can do better than "Do I Make You Proud?"

Tuesday News Update

Chris Sligh Rockin' Out for Jesus
While the jury is still out on whether Chris Sligh did or did not, in fact, bring chubby back, being on Idol has increased the popularity of his Christian rock band Half Past Forever. Next stop for the guys -- getting signed to a Christian rock label. Also, Phil Stacey is a Christian artist, which I somehow missed when I did my first roundup of Jesus-lovin' folk. (Christian Post)

Hate the Blog, Not the Blogger
Speaking of Chris Sligh, here's his blog. The show shut down said blog after Hollywood week, and forbade any of the contestants from blogging about their experiences. Personally, I think that's dumb. Since not everyone gets equal screen time, especially if someone else has naked pictures all over the Internet, letting people read what you have to say would allow them to get to know you. Just my two cents. (MTV)

Ken Warwick to Howard Stern: Suck it!
Actually, Executive Producer Ken Warwick didn't say that at all. What he did say, is that with 37 million votes each week, the shock jock isn't having a huge impact on results. Which means America is doing this, which means I weep for my country. (ET Online)

Sanjaya's Murder Plot Foiled
"J," the MySpacer who has been on a hunger strike until Sanjaya gets voted off, got hungry and ate something after her doctor told her she was being a crazy bitch and to knock it off. (TMZ)

And this isn't news, per se, but the Fug Girls have a hilarious post about one Ms. Paula Abdul in a truly baffling outfit.

Monday News Update

Ryan Seacrest Taps Jordin Sparks
To win, people... TO WIN. (People)

Speaking of Ryan's Homosexuality...
Dude, when you utter the phrase "deep tissue massage" in the same sentence as "Simon Cowell," it doesn't exactly do much in the whole dispelling rumors department. (Daily News)

We're Not Alone in our Annoyance
It seems Sanjaya's fellow contestants are none too pleased with his indestructibility. You might even say they're pissed. My guess is that it's Haley Scarnato leading the backstage backlash because Sanjaya's stealing her sucky thunder. She's actually the worst, dammit, and she wants y'all to recognize. (TMZ)

The Creepy 'Idol' Bandleader: Unmasked
Everything you wanted to know about Rickey Minor! Actually, I'm not sure anyone cares but I was in desperate need of non-Sanjaya-related filler. (CNN)

Elliott Sets a Record
Surprisingly, it wasn't in a fucked-up teeth contest. Congrats, Elliott! (Post Chronicle)

Tony Bennett Sings with Idols This Week
Here's hoping he didn't leave his hearing aid in San Francisco too.(Starpulse News Blog)

Friday News Update

Chris Sligh is a Quitter
Chris Sligh tells Access Hollywood he was going to quit Idol two weeks before he got the boot. His reason for staying? Money. Specifically the money he's going to earn on the summer tour, which he wouldn't have gotten to go on had he quit the show. That doesn't sound very Christian. Also, the article goes on to say that he was kicked out of the Christian fundamentalist Bob Jones University for attending a "contemporary Christian concert featuring the group 4Him." If anyone can explain that one to me, I'm all ears.

Shyamali Malakar has Boobs
This isn't news, per se, but if you want to see Sanjaya's big sister in a low-cut top bouncing around, well, this is the link for you.

Idol Hopefuls Have Secrets
People got the sixth season finalists to spill the beans about relationships, body images and who they're most excited to be mentored by this season. Blake Lewis talks about how he needs to get laid. No really. He does.

More Idol Conspiracy Theories
I don't remember this happening, but apparently last week Chris Sligh said, "Hi Dave" at the end of his performance. The Dave in question? David Della Terza, founder of Vote for the Worst. Now, some people with a lot of time on their hands are claiming that Sligh wasn't in fact sent home because the American public didn't vote for him, but that it was a behind-the-scenes producer takedown. Yeah, it couldn't have been because he totally sucked or anything.

Chris Sligh Hearts Sanjaya
After getting voted off the show, Chris Sligh said Sanjaya's faux hawk was "killer" and that the public underestimates his talent. Also, Chris Sligh bet Phil Stacey 50 bucks that he was going home, and Phil paid up.

AOL Also Hearts Sanjaya
And they want to give you all the reasons why, complete with a slideshow. It's pretty amusing, actually.

Also, I'd just like to say that I've sort of reversed my stance on Sanjaya Malakar. I'm not going to vote for him, of course, but I feel like he embraced the "I suck" thing this week and decided to be the next William Hung, and I sort of dig him for that. Also, the show's really fucking boring this season, and this controversy is at least shaking things up a little.

Wednesday News Update

Constantine Maroulis to Camera-Fuck Housewives Everywhere
The alleged "gorgeous Greek music maker" will be joining the cast of The Bold and the Beautiful this summer. He'll be playing a fictional version of himself. They make it sound as though he's actually a real guy -- come on, dude's like, three steps below Fabio. (Entertainment Tonight)

Amy Lee Jumps on the Idol-hating Bandwagon
Evanescence's Amy Lee recently watched Idol for the first time, after someone told her Gina Glocksen sang the groups hit, "Call Me When You're Sober." While Amy thought Gina did an all right job, she found the show "hilarious and depressing." Normally I'd disagree, but we are talking about a show that Sanjaya Malakar is still a part of. Thanks, Howard Stern! (Blabbermouth)

Alaina Alexander + Chris Richardson = 4 Eva
The latest hot Idol gossip from TMZ is that Alaina and Chris R. are more than just friends, and have been since she was on the show. Which means that Chris will probably not be taking me up on any of my Mrs. Robinson type offers.

Alaina Alexander's Racy Photos
Check out Alaina's new MySpace Music Page! I don't know about you, but if I wanted to be taken seriously as a musician after sucking on television week after week, I'd just post naked and semi-naked pictures of myself on the Internet. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, CHRIS? IS IT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?



And last but not least, DialIdol's got Jordin Sparks, Haley Scarnato and Chris Sligh in the bottom three. I'm not buying it.

Friday News Update... on Saturday

So yeah, I'm bringing you yesterday's news update today. How bad ass am I? Actually, tired as all fuck is the more accurate term. Pardon the missed deadline. Mama had a case of the exhaustion, you see.

Okay, enough stalling. Here are your headlines, bitches:

Warning: Freaky Sanjaya Photoshop Experiment Ahead
Hours later and I'm still trying to get the sting out of my scorched eyes. (TMZ)

Bucky Covington Sings, Sings a Song... of Paralysis
I'm betting it will be the feel-good hit of the summer. (People)

Gwen Stefani's 'Idol' Appearance Is upon Us
It's Gwen's turn to mentor the hopefuls during Pop Week. No word on whether she'll be encouraging them to dress like complete and total tards. (The Gossip Fix)

Past Contestant Report Card
See how Kimberly Locke stacks up against Kellie Pickler. And I swear this has nothing to do with breast size. No really, it doesn't. (Scripps)

LaKisha's Daughter Wants Her Mama Back
Little Brionne is really missing her mommy and wants her home tout de suite. Hmmm... I think we now know who's really jamming the phone lines with votes for Sanjaya. (MLive.com)

Thursday News Update

Sanjaya Starves People to Death
A woman calling herself "J" on MySpace has decided to go on a hunger strike until Sanjaya Malakar is voted off the show. You can read her profile, befriend her or call her a nutjob here. I'm thinking of joining her -- I've wanted to lose a few pounds anyway, and hunger strikes are way cooler than just starving yourself for no reason. Anyone else wanna join me? (Access Hollywood)

Howard Stern Deserves a Beatdown
Who's voting for Sanjaya, you ask? Howard Stern fans. The shock jock took a page out of Vote for the Worst's playbook, urging listeners to vote for the Idol hopeful. I dig Howard and all, but I'm not sure I can live in a world where I see Sanjaya's mug as much as I see Taylor Hicks. (MTV.com)

Ryan Seacrest Digs Chicks
Despite Simon Cowell's uncomfortable urging of Ryan Seacrest to come out of the closet, sources close to the host say he's straight as an arrow. Ex-girlfriend Shana Wall, who hosts an online cooking show, tells In Touch that they had an "amazing and passionate relationship." I wrote a couple of Ryan is gay jokes and then deleted them, because I'm tired of his ambiguous sexuality. You hear that? No more Ryan is gay jokes! Ever! Anyone want to make a bet on how long I'll stick with that? (National Ledger)

Chris Sligh Hates Jesus
Some uptight Christian folks in Chris Sligh's hometown of Greenville, SC are a little concerned about his faith. It seems the mop-topped contestant was all about the Jesus tunes prior to being on the show, but has now -- gasp! -- sung a few songs that are not at all about faith in the Lord. In other news, uptight Christians in Chris Sligh's hometown of Geenville, SC really, really want him to lose the show. (South Bend Tribune)

And if you missed Paula Abdul's batshit crazy interview on Letterman Monday night, well, I suggest you get caught up with the rest of the cool kids:

Monday News Update

That Was Pitchy for Me, Dawg
Are you like me? Do you often find yourself exclaiming, "Whatcoo tawkin' bout, Randy Jackson?" when the vocab-challenged judge launches into one of his rambling critiques that goes on forever even though it's comprised of only about three different words shuffled around and repeated ad nauseum? Yeah, I thought so. But believe it or not, one of his favored phrases -- pitchy -- is actually a valid statement! This is about as disturbing as Paula's recent spell of lucidity. (People)

Haley Scarnato Is -- Ew -- Wearing Katharine McPhee's Old Extensions
As a kid who grew up wearing my older sisters' hand-me-downs, I'm really in no position to criticize when someone else gets extra mileage out of, say, a pair of culottes, but -- and I never thought I'd have to say this -- I have to draw the line at used hair. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell Is a Sunday Driver
While Simon may boast of cutting verbal slaps and an unparalleled collection of V-necks, he ain't all that impressive on the race track, according to Mario Andretti and a couple of other racing dudes I don't know and can't be bothered to look up. (People)

LaKisha Tops the Power List
Entertainment Weekly thinks LaKisha's poised to win the competition. Never let it be said they're not a bunch of risk takers, those folks at EW.

Jennifer Hudson Sets the Records Straight
Hudson took to MySpace to dispel rumors that she's become a big ol' diva in the wake of her Oscar win. Fair enough. However, in doing so, she inadvertently revealed her true and irrefutable shortcomings: poor punctuation and an appalling lack of subject/verb agreement. Isn't she from Chicago, the very city with a whole Manual of Style named after it?! Someone check that bitch's birth certificate. (The Post Chronicle)

Idols Saturate the Airwaves
Today's New York Daily News ranks former Idol contestants according to the number of times their songs have been played on the radio. Kelly Clarkson naturally tops the list while Chris Daughtry comes in at number 8. What's notable about the latter's ranking, you ask? Uh, Josh Gracin is #3! Just to break it down for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake, Forgettable Season 2 reject, Joshua Gracin, gets more airtime than the high and mighty Chris Daughtry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to point and laugh at him. Care to join me?

Friday News Update

India Determines the Next American Idol?
This is all rumor, to be sure, but some sites are claiming that outsourced tech support workers in India may be using their speed-dialing capabilities to keep Sanjaya Malakar on the show. Not that I really believe it or anything -- I mean, we are talking about the same American public that crowned Taylor Hicks their American Idol last year, and buy Chris Daughtry's albums. Still, it's fun to spread unfounded, racially paranoid gossip! And don't miss the photo of Sanjaya's big sis in her Hooters uniform. (Tabloid Baby)

Kiki and Sanjaya BFFs
Speaking of Sanjaya, LaKisha Jones has taken the young lad under her wing, telling him not to listen to what anybody says and to keep doing his thing. I agree with this advice -- the more he does his thing, the less time he'll have left on the show. (TMZ)

Ryan Seacrest is Straight
Hilarious video of Seacrest's "straightest" moments. (Gawker)

Antonella Barba's Finest Moments
Do you sometimes lie in bed at night wishing you could hear Antonella Barba's rendition of Don't Want to Miss a Thing just one more time? But you erased it from your DVR. What now? That my friends, is what MySpace is for.

Taylor to KFC: No Way!
Taylor Hicks dropped 22 pounds since he's been off the show. How did he do it? More exercise, less fried chicken. In other news, Taylor Hicks is still retarded, still lying about being 30, and still has bad hair.

Simon Says No to Kinky Couple
In a 60 Minutes interview set to air on March 18th, Simon tells Anderson Cooper about a couple that invited Simon over to critique their lovemaking (ew, I said lovemaking) for $100,000. He didn't do it, but wishes he had just for the story. And I don't blame him. You should hear my stories about watching couples do each other. They're a huge hit at baptisms and wakes.

Thursday News Brief

No real shocker during the results show... um, except Diana Ross's horrifying performance. In the immortal words of EMF, what the fuck waaaaaaaaaaaaaas that?! I was not expecting her to suck ass so bad. Wow. Just wow. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that.

Today's a light news day, which suits me and my jacked up sinuses just fine. Here ya go:

Simon Cowell's to Blame for Paula Abdul's On-Air Erratic Ways
In a slightly modified version of the Folgers Challenge, Simon secretly replaced Paula's "legally prescribed medication" with crystal meth and it's been all downhill from there. Such a prankster, that Simon. (People)

Flow It, Show It, Long as God Can Grow It... Sanjaya's Hair
I really don't know what to say about this. The pictures speak for themselves. But is it just me, or does Sanjaya look like Jo Anne Worley in that middle image?

Um, I just thought of something: Am I the only 33-year-old who even knows who Jo Anne Worley is? I scare me. (TMZ)

Simon's Is Bigger Than Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuce's
Oooh, Simon took a swipe at Bruce Springsteen! Oh snap! Actually, on second thought, who cares? Like, I know I'm from New Jersey and I'm supposed to be steeped in the legend and mystique that is Springsteen and stuff, but, well... I'm not. While I have the floor, I've also never set foot in Camaro nor have I ever teased my hair or pluralized the word "ziti." Wait, what was my point? Oh right, Simon's been bragging that in terms of record deals, he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen. Really, Simon? Bruce is the comparative you're going with? Sorry, I didn't realize that the recent clock change sent us back to 1984... (AP)

Dissent and Goings-On

I'm not going to do a full recap, because Curly did such a good job. I'll take the news, but first, I have to make a few points about last night, either because they weren't previously mentioned or because I don't agree with what's been stated.

1. I'm irrationally protective of Gina, which I fully admit, but I thought she did a good job with Love Child. While she may not have the flawless vocal power of LaKisha and Melinda, I think she's a hard worker with a great range, and I enjoyed it. If she sticks around, I think she's going to grow week after week, especially now that she's in the little rocker box the judges have been trying to shove her into since day one.

2. I actually don't think Haley is going to be in the bottom three this week. She clearly has a fan base, and when Antonella was voted off, I was all set to redirect my hatred toward Haley, but she's just so damn likeable. It actually kind of pisses me off.

3. I like Phil Stacey, and I don't care who knows it. He's a super dork who tries to act like a cool guy, and I would never want to see him naked, but when he hits those power notes, he makes me smile. I can't help it. With all the shoddy non-talent on the guy's side, I need someone to root for, and he's it.

4. I hated Stephanie's rendition of Love Hangover. I thought it was boring, and didn't show her amazing vocal range. Also, did you know she's only 19? Can the judges give her a little of that Jordin love?

5. After the uncomfortable banter between Simon and Ryan last night, the only thing that's really left for them to do is make out with each other during a live show. I am so sick of the "I'm straight, you're gay, no, I'm straight, you're gay, or, you know, let's just fuck each other" thing they have going on this season. I mean, it's always there to a certain degree, but COME ON.

6. My predictions: Bottom three goes to Brandon Rogers, Chris Sligh and Stephanie Edwards. Going home? Brandon Rogers.

Okay, and now onto the news:

Idol Hopefuls Love Jesus
Chris Sligh, Jordin Sparks and Melinda Dolittle all have friends at the Gospel Music Association. As long as none of them start ranting about "lifestyle choices," ala Mandisa, they're cool by me. (Christian Today)

Sheryl Crowe hates Idol
I don't know about you, but I'm sick of "artists" hating on Idol. While the show may be responsible for the inexplicable fame of DAUGHTRY, you can't really deny that it's produced some viable stars who deserve their fame. Kelly Clarkson, anyone? (Buddy TV)

Jennifer Hudson May Play Aretha Franklin
Great. Then she'll be nominated for another Oscar and diss Idol again and then we can have another Hudson vs. Cowell feud. Sigh. (All Headline News)

Jennifer Hudson is Also a Huge Diva
Hudson reportedly tried to back out of performing at the Soul Train Awards, but then attended after Clive Davis issued a smackdown. Okay, seriously, this girl is not famous or accomplished enough to be acting like this. I'm so sick of her. (I Don't Like You in That Way)

Simon Will Quit if Sanjaya Wins
To show our solidarity, I hereby decree that should Sanjaya win, American Midol will be no more. Mejack? Curly? You with me? (TV Squad)

Monday News Brief

Today's news brief will be just that because I feel like ass. I promise to get plenty of rest. In fact, all the boys' performances tomorrow night should be more potent than Nyquil in lulling me into a sound sleep. Until then...

Mario Vasquez Channels George Michael
Q: What's white and oozes down the bathroom wall?
A: Mario Vasquez's latest release.

Sorry, I simply cannot pass up the opportunity to show off my suprisingly large canon of foul, tastless jokes. Admittedly, I don't know shit about wine but I can certainly tell you every Helen Keller joke there is.

Okay, onto the useful portion of this news item... If you'll recall, the talented Season 4 contestant mysteriously dropped out of the competition despite favorable notices from all three judges. Rumors ranged from an impending record deal to accusations of homosexuality but no real explanation was given and then everyone kinda forgot and stopped caring. Or at least I did.

Two years later, the mystery is solved: It turns out, Mario tried playing a wee game of "I'll Show You Mine" with an Idol employee named Magdaleno Olmos, who did not, in fact, want to show Mario his in return, nor even see Mario's in the first place.

Mmm... fresh scandal! Antonella Barba is no doubt writing Mario a note of thanks for taking some of the heat off of her. Oh wait, can Antonella even write? (TMZ.com)

Jennifer Hudson Once Again Proves She's an Insufferable Beav
Recently, Simon Cowell took Jennifer to task for for downplaying American Idol's contribution to her current level of success. Her response:

"If I'd been any better at my job when I was at Burger King in my middle teens I wouldn't be here either, so should I thank them too?"

No, Jennifer, you don't have to thank Burger King. However, you should thank me for not putting my foot in your ass... yet. (Starpulse.com)

Paula Abdul Was 'Shocked' Over Sundance Head's Dismissal
Well, that makes one person who was. Clearly, her delusions are starting to surface. This certainly means a nice spike in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram. Oh, goodie! (BuddyTV)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Wednesday News Update

Should we even call it a news update anymore? Isn't it really just an Antonella Barba update at this point? Anyway, without further ado…

Take a Gamble on Antonella Barba
Online betting site WagerWeb is less concerned with who will win this season of Idol and more so on what dramas will play out. I don't know about you, but I think that's a lot more fun than watching the guys perform. Not surprisingly, they have an entire category devoted to our favorite Jersey Girl. Among the items one can bet on are: she will appear nude in Playboy and she will be photographed drunk with Paris Hilton. You know, I was going to declare a ban on all things Antonella, but she's so damn good for traffic, and I'm nothing if not a traffic whore. Antonella Barba, Antonella Barba, Antonella Barba…

Joe Francis Wants Antonella Barba to Go Wild
Girls Gone Wild creator and notorious scumbag Joe Francis wants Antonella, and she doesn't even have to flash her boobs. Francis has reportedly offered her $250,000 to host one of his racy videos. Oh, Joe. She would have done it for free.

Chi-Town to Jennifer Hudson: …
Yesterday was officially Jennifer Hudson Day in the Oscar-winner's hometown of Chicago. Only when she asked the crowd for audience participation, she was met with dead silence. A second attempt yielded the same results. Backlash for all of her Idol smacktalking, perhaps?

FOX: 1, Rosie: 0
FOX issues Rosie O'Donnell a smackdown for her recent negative comments about the show -- they won't let The View use clips anymore. If only shutting Rosie up were that easy.

Poll Time: Is There an 'Idol' Double Standard?

The Antonella Barba scandal continues! Some folks are none too pleased that the not-so-camera-shy contestant remains in the running while Season Two's Frenchie Davis got the premature boot but good for the same reason.

Were Frenchie's pictures dirtier? Maybe? Is it because she's got a bit o' the junk in the trunk? Perhaps. Or did her race play a part in the decision? Rosie O'Donnell seems to think so. Because, uh, Rosie is now an expert on race relations in America? Say what you want about Rosie but at least she's consistent in having shrill, ill-informed, knee-jerk responses to just about everything. Rarely does she throw us for a loop with say, a lucid, well-researched argument.

Dumbasses aside, Frenchie rightfully wants to know why she was dismissed while Antonella remains. So, what say you...

Is there a double standard on American Idol?
	Yup
	Nope
	I dunno
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Tuesday News Update

We didn't have a Monday update, and it was all my fault because I got drunk and watched The Wicker Man with Chicken Supreme instead of posting one. That movie is a craptastic joy to watch, let me tell you.

Antonella Barba is Jesus
How Antonella Barba became the most famous person on Earth boggles the mind. Look, she's even on toast now. Toast! (eBay)

Antonella Barba Also Pisses People Off
A bunch of people who have way too much time on their hands and could use a nice gin and tonic and possibly some meditation to chill the fuck out, are protesting at the Kodak Theater as I write this because they think Antonella should get the boot. Whatever. Also, more pics of her acting like a porn star at the WWII memorial. (WWTDD, aka Jess' Future Husband)

Jennifer Hudson's Pants Are on Fire
'Extra' decided to do a little investigative journalism, and look into Jennifer Hudson's incessant claims that Simon was a big old meanie to her and the show was abusive and wah wah boo hoo you're famous now shut up. Anyway, turns out she's a big old liar. I'm taking Beyonce's side. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell Thinks Taylor Hicks Sucks
I knew there was a reason Simon was my homeboy. While we don't all hate Taylor Hicks here at American Midol, the haters are most definitely in the majority. Shocking, right? Us hating someone? (TV Grapevine)

Simon Cowell Also Thinks Rehab is Cool
I usually agree with what Simon has to say, but when he takes on my girl Britney Spears, I need to defend her. Give her a break, dude. Girlfriend lost her freaking mind. (TV Grapevine)

Smack Talking Simon

Simon Trashes Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Hicks

Dude. I am like a gumshoe supersleuth when it comes to picking up these nuances in People Magazine articles.

It is interesting to note that all of the former contestants he names as "standouts from the beginning" only include those that have either made a return appearance on the show or have credited American Idol for jump starting their career.

Simon also pointed out how Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Hicks would be basically nothing without him the show. Homeboy even went as far to say that Kelly Clarkson was not a strong contender until mid-season. (You know Jess is going to have to cut a bitch after she hears that one.) It is amazingly coincidental that these particular former contestants are those who have not paid much mind to Idol since their departure. OR IS IT?

Simon, I do wish you would remove this cloak of bitterness and resume wearing your smoky charcoal V-necks.

Photo: answers.com

Friday News Update

It's a light news day, people. All anyone wants to discuss is skanky Antonella Barba and how she's still on the show. I apologize in advance for boring you.

Jennifer Hudson up for an NAACP Image Award
Beyonce's up for a few too, so maybe she'll stop making voodoo dolls of Jennifer Hudson and praying to The Dark Lord to wipe her from existence.

Bucky's #1
The video for Bucky Covington's first single, "A Different World," debuted at #1 on CMT's Pure Country Video Playlist. I'm not sure if that's a good thing; as I'm not terribly familiar with either the channel or the show, but it sounds like it's the TRL of country music, in which case, go Bucky!

FOX is #1, Too!
FOX swept the ratings Thursday night, just like it does on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I'm not a ratings analyst, but I don't really get why everyone is so surprised by this.

Ask the Idols
Do you want to know what it is about Phil Stacey that makes him both scary and intensely likeable at the same time? If Sundance Head cries when he watches Bambi? If Blake Lewis knows how awful that hat was? If so, PEOPLE is sitting down with the 'Idol' hopefuls and asking them YOUR questions. If you submit one, and your question is featured, let us know! We won't make fun of you. Promise.

If you need a pick-me-up after all that, check out Kellie Pickler's new breasts:

Thursday News Brief

You'll have to forgive me if I'm a little light on the snark in today's news roundup. I'm still reeling from the fact that my boy, AJ Tabaldo, was sent home early tonight. That's just bullshit. I join my colleagues, Jess and Mejack, in condemning the sad state of affairs in this country. Shame on us! Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!

Here are your headlines, America, even though I have half a mind to deprive you of them entirely on account of your bad behavior tonight:

Jennifer Hudson to Be Honored in Her Hometown of Chicago
If there's any justice, AJ Tabaldo will receive a similar homecoming in Santa Maria, CA. People of Santa Maria, you best heed my advice. (People)

It's Official: Antonella's Not Getting the Boot
For those of you hoping the show would ship the rather reckless contestant back to Jersey, no such luck. Producer Nigel Lythgoe stated in a recent interview that Barba would remain on the program until the viewers voted her off.

Tonight, poor AJ Tabaldo is wondering where he went wrong. Oh right, he didn't flip off the camera repeatedly nor did he smile and say cheese whilst on the can. Silly boy! I guess he didn't want it bad enough. (National Ledger)

Katharine McPhee Spotted... Gasp!... Eating Food
The NYC gossip pages caught the Season 5 runner up dining on pineapple chicken fried rice and some awesome-sounding peanut butter dessert at Ruby Foo's this past weekend. Do you know who wasn't eating overpriced mediocre Asian food this past weekend? AJ Tabaldo, that's who! (NY Daily News)

And that's your lot, America. I hope you're satisfied.

Tuesday's News

Simon Cowell Changes His Tune for Jennifer Hudson
Simon ain't no fool. He knows to get on the golden girl's good side now, you know, even though he trashed her repeatedly during her run on the show. Bygones! Right, Jennifer? Right? (People)

Is the World Really Ready for a Lisping Rapper?
Kevin Covais reportedly spits (and I do mean SPITS) on Paris Bennett's upcoming album. Because I sometimes like to be annoyed, I'm going to have download that bad boy when it comes out. I'll be sure to keep some paper towel handy. It could get messy. (Entertainment Weekly)

Sundance's Daddy's Dance Steps Were Too Hot for James Brown
Apparently, The Godfather of Soul took one look at Roy Head's dancing and booted him from his tour many moons ago. As Roy tells it, 'twas Brown's jealousy of his wicked moves that caused his ouster. Wow, now I understand where Sundance gets his delusions that that thing sprouting from his chin is attractive. (USA Today)

Antonella Barba Is the "Least Slutty Person" Amanda Coluccio Knows
Is it just me or is that not exactly a ringing endorsement? Or as Jess astutely observed, "Amanda must hang around with some real whores then." (Defamer)

American Idol's Got the Fever for the Flavor of Pringles
First it was Dreyer's Ice Cream and now Pringles has aligned itself with our beloved TV program. I think it's safe to say that the person lining up the sponsorships is a complete stoner. (American Idol Worship)

Monday News Update

Today in Antonella Barba news: blowjob pics that may or may not be her! No one taught her that very important lesson about how letting people take racy photos of you in compromising positions in the Internet age is maybe not such a good idea if you want to become famous someday. I don't know about you, but I keep all my pics where I'm performing oral sex on people under lock and key. If you click through, photos are mostly safe for work. They have links to the super NSFW versions if you work at Penthouse or happen to be at home. Oh, Antonella. Anyone think she's going to get booted for this? (I Don't Like You in That Way)

Vote for the Worst Has Even MORE Shocking photos of Ms. Barba. Totally safe for work, but you might not be the same after seeing them.

Leslie Hunt has lupus, is being honored by the Lupus Research Institute Chicago (PR Newswire)

Nigel Lithgoe drops more hints about an upcoming announcement. I am getting really tired of Nigel's hints. I bet he leaves voicemail messages like, "Call me when you get a chance. I have some very important news!" I hate people who leave voicemail messages like that. I bet he makes people guess his age, too. (TV Week)

Didja hear? Jennifer Hudson won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar. Didja see? She dressed herself like a spaceman. (iVillage)

Rich, oily tool Brandon Davis did what he does best at Paris Hilton's 26th birthday bash on Saturday: acted like a complete ass. Inexplicably, Paula Abdul was in attendance, and, according to the Daily News:

But around 10 p.m., Davis started acting up. "He was hurling flowers at Paula Abdul," says a guest. "Then he began bombing her with Styrofoam flower-holders. He was shouting, 'Lick my [BLEEP], Paula!' He started mocking her ancestry by speaking gibberish in an Arabic accent.

And if you missed Tyra Banks feeling up Katharine McPhee, then watch this video and get with the program. How skinny does McPhee look, by the way?



Photo: I Don't Like You in That Way

Afternoon News Update

I don't know who these people are, but apparently they met while auditioning for the show and are now engaged: Cavett Carr and Darold Gray. Anyone remember these two? (Contact Music)

Idol Camp! If I wasn't pushing 50, I would be SO there. (PR Newswire)

America would rather watch chicks sing than dudes, and would rather watch Idol then just about everything. Duh. (Broadcasting & Cable)

Simon buys a new Ferrari, which TMZ thinks is "indulgent." If TMZ thinks that's indulgent, they should have seen my white, rusted, '89 Volkswagon Golf, Now that's indulgence, yo.

Rumor has it Tom Lowe, who got booted during Hollywood week, once worked as a male escort. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Is it just me, or does Idol get more scandalous every season? (Vote for the Worst: Link only working when it feels like it)

An Episode Recap, News and Lame Excuses

Okay, so that whole posting my Tuesday night episode recap on Wednesday never quite materialized. Being bitter about being single on Valentine's Day takes up a lot of time and energy so lay off and show some compassion, scavengers.

Here's your mish-mash of tardy recaps and headlines...

Tuesday
How is it that the tedious auditions were stretched thin over two hours on several occasions yet the delicious drama-inducing Hollywood Round was crammed into a measly 60 minutes?! I usually welcome the bickering, the verbal slapfests, the backbiting, the fucked up lyrics, etc. from the Group Round but that footage was carved up beyond recognition. Idol producers, you are testing my already-thin patience.

The Matt Sato storyline was rather awkward, what with all the calls to Mommie Dearest back home and his inability to find a group to sing with. I really thought he'd make it through with all the camera time. Alas, he was sent packing back to his emotionally bankrupt mother. Poor Matt. On the bright side, I was happy to see that he no longer had shit all over his nose like he did during his initial audition. Get a hold of some Retin-A, did ya, Matt?

Amanda Coluccio actually made me laugh by boldly proclaiming, "I'm going to shit my pants!" during a commercial bumper. But do you know what made me laugh even harder? When she got cut. Heeeeee-larious!

The rendition of "How Deep Is Your Love?" by Chris Sligh, Rudy Cardenas, Thomas Lowe and Blake Lewis was awesome. For once, I didn't bark "Oh, sit down!" when Paula gave a standing ovation. I was in agreement with Paula. Oh, good heavens. The chances of that happening again? About as likely as Paula passing a pee test with flying colors.

Nicole Turner was the final contestant of the day. Her mother got all Mama Rose on her and strong-armed her into singing a song that was so crappy, I can't even identify it. Needless to say, Nicole fucked it up royally and tried to explain what happened to the judges. Her argument held no water but she was adamant about stating her case. Hell, if my mama was standing behind me with a big ol' cane like that, I'd try to sell it too. I think it's safe to say someone got her ass whupped when she got home.

Wednesday
The Top 24 have been announced! We finally separated the wheat from the chaff, boys and girls. Ew, chaff. I just decided I don't like that word. It just sounds gross. It is hereby banished from my vocabulary. My weird hang-ups are just darling, aren't they though?

Here are the semifinalists:
Men: Chis Sligh, Sanjaya Malakar, Brandon Rogers, Philip Stacy, Blake Lewis, Rudy Cardenas, Paul Kim, A.J. Tabaldo, Nicholas Pedro, Chris Richardson, Jared Cotter and Jason "Sundance" Head.

Women: Melinda Doolittle, Gina Glocksen, Haley Scarnato, Jordin Sparks, Stephanie Edwards, Leslie Hunt, Alaina Alexander, Sabrina Sloan, Lakisha Jones, Nicole Tranquillo, Amy Krebs and Antonella Barba.

I know you don't believe me because I've dicked you around time and time again but the rest of my thoughts on tonight's show are coming later. Pinky promise. I swear on the moon and the stars above. This time I mean it.

Moving on to headlines...

American Idol cast-off, Robyn Troup, makes beautiful music with Justin Timberlake at the Grammys. Um, I'm guessing it was beautiful because I totally didn't watch. (People.com)

Vindication! Seems I'm not the only one who left reeling by the warp-speed Hollywood round. MTV's got my back, yo. Wow, that's sad. (MTV.com)

Playing the ponies is passé. Only pussies can be found at the track. The real high rollers are laying down some serious coin on American Idol. No, seriously. They are. (Gambling911.com)

Was Season 6 Idol reject, Tom Lowe booted for hitting a few bad notes or for baring his buns in a racy spread? Oh man, I just said "buns." If you'll excuse me, I'm off to hang my head in shame... (The Advocate)

A Brief News Brief

Oooh lawdy, I am behind on my Midol homework this week! Fear not, I furiously took notes during tonight's Hollywood episode and will present them to you tomorrow in a brand spanking new post. In the meantime, here's a quick look at today's headlines:

Paula: I'm Not a Lush!
She only plays one on TV... quite believably, I might add. Someone give that broad an Emmy. (AP)

American Idol Producers: Paula's Full of Shit... Booze-Soaked Shit, to Be Exact
Actually, she is really, really tanked on the set but only looks somewhat trashed to us at home thanks to some generous editing commissioned by show producers. (Reality TV Magazine)

Bucky's Gettin' a Deeee-vorce, Y'all
Tomorrow's headline: American Midol colleagues Jess and Mejack charged with plotting to don diapers, drive 900 miles and then mace each other in the face to win Bucky's affections. (People.com)

Michael Jackson to Moonwalk on the Idol Stage?
I really can't elaborate on this article any further than the headline 'cause I couldn't read the whole thing on account of all the eye covering I had to do because of the accompanying photo of MJ. Not since The Well Girl from The Ring have I been this terrified. (TMZ)

News, News and More News

Well folks, it just occurred to me that no one posted a news update today. I should be going to bed, but how will I sleep if I know I've let y'all down? I won't, that's how. So without further ado:

In case you didn't watch the Grammys last night, our girl Carrie Underwood took home not one, but two, for Best New Artist and Best Country Song for "Jesus Take the Wheel." In other news, Jess has asked Jesus if maybe he wouldn't mind working for her tomorrow. We'll see if he comes through. (Celebrity Café)

Nigel Lithgoe hates blogs, will cut a bitch who tries to blog while on the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

Rumor has it Simon Cowell gave contestant Tom Lowe an unfair advantage. Wait, are they insinuating that reality television isn't really "real"? I refuse to believe it! (Buddy TV)

Celebs share what song they'd sing for Idol auditions. (People)

This little lady alerted us to some Hollywood week spoilers. And by "spoilers," I mean don't click this link if you don't want to know. I can't be held responsible for your spoilage – consider yourself warned. I also can't verify the accuracy of this information.

Hollywood week! Woo hoo! Bring it ON.

Recap, News and Other Blathering

No more auditions! Yay! I'm happy as could be, and the previews for Hollywood week look awesome.

I'm not going to talk about the trainwrecks on Wednesday's show. Only the two that I actually liked. Tami Gosnell, the pedicab driver who sounds like Janis Joplin, is awesome. I love her. Ebony Jointer is just amazing. I bet her other two rollerskating friends secretly hate her. I'm not sure why they let her cohort, Ashley Cleland, through exactly, but whatevs. I'm over it.

Now, onto the news:

WebMD talks to psychology experts about what makes people who couldn't sing their way out of a paper bag audition for American Idol. (WebMD)

Las Vegas contestant Mikalah Gordon shares what really goes on during Idol auditions. (TV Squad)

Ayla Brown's daddy hates the gays. Naturally, everyone hates Senator Scott Brown. And he's not afraid to talk about it, much to the horror of the teachers at the King Philip Regional High School assembly he was speaking at. (CBS News)

Speaking of bad daddies, Clyde Raymond Pickler, Jr., who sired none other than Kellie Pickler, attacked a female acquaintance with a steak knife. Glad to see all that prison time straightened his ass out. (Charlotte Observor)

The final 24 predictions have begun (phillyBurbs)

Idol alum Anthony Federov hits Broadway as a cast member in The Fantasticks (Theater Mania)

More Courtney Love madness. Rumor has it she's been asked to guest judge on Nirvana night. Wait, Idol's doing a Nirvana night? Please. Oh please, let this be true. (Celebrity Spider)

TWoP's Wednesday recap

EW's Wednesday recap

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

Greetings, minions. Not too much in the way of news today. Anna Nicole Smith is dominating the headlines so I have no choice but to be brief. No whining! There's more to come tomorrow. Until then...

There's a rather tasty blind item in The Back Row column in today's issue of the Daily News...

What former American Idol is up to their nose in bad behavior? Friends were amazed at a high-profile fashion week after-party at how much fairy dust the crooner put away.

Hmmm... Jess and I spotted Katharine McPhee and Jim Verraros at the Marc Jacobs show on Monday night. MJ is rather high-profile so it follows that his after-party would be as well, no? Interesting. Very interesting.

Kat's got her share of issues but I don't think blowing rails in public is among them. Now I'm not saying Jim is necessarily the culprit here because for all I know, there were a gaggle of Idol cast-offs running amok during Fashion Week that I didn't see up and close and personal. Still, I think it's a safe bet. Any other guesses?

Okay, moving on to less inflammatory things that won't get our asses sued... Season Five's Bucky Covington has no beef with Simon Cowell nor his cranky critiques. Quite the contrary, he graciously took his lumps and is enjoying the fame the show helped him achieve. Hear that Jennifer "I was misquoted!" Hudson?! That's what you call gratitude and not being a dumb bitch. Look into it. (People.com)

Ebony Jointer, she of the waitress outfit/roller skates/two less-talented hangers-on combo in last night's final round of auditions is not a complete entertainment neophyte as it turns out. Girlfriend actually hit the gridiron with the Chicago Bliss, a Lingerie Football League team back in 2005. (Note to self: Do thorough Google image search of those photos. How did I not know about this?!)

Ebony's also been seen on America's Next Top Model and had a small role in Pauly Shore Is Dead. Scandalous! A Pauly Shore movie, Ebony? Seriously? (TMZ.com via RealityTVMagazine.com)

And finally, this is not technically news... except to those who know me and how snobby I am about my mp3 collection but I, Curly McDimple, just downloaded the Jason Nevins Rock da Club Edit of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and I am, as we speak, rocking out like it's my job. Trust me, it's hot.

Photo: FOX

Not Necessarily the News

As part of their "People You Should Know" section, CNN asks Katharine McPhee the tough questions. You know, hard-hitting questions like, "Your image is much sexier now. Was that intentional?" I hate when I accidentally give myself a sexy makeover. I did it twice last week, even. (CNN)

Paula Abdul gets sued for secretly selling her reality show that was supposed to air on Oxygen to Bravo. Well, of course she did. She probably figured no one would notice. Also, whatever network Hey Paula finally airs on, I am SO there. (Post Chronicle)

Ashlyn Carr, she of the second chances and the strange facial expressions (and also a very pretty voice, IMHO), is a hardened criminal. Okay, not really, but she was charged with criminal mischief in November 2006 for pouring sugar in her ex-boyfriend's gas tank. If he was another one of those people who were mean to her because she had such a great voice, then he totally deserved it, obvs. (Reality TV magazine)

Speaking of criminal Idol contestants, Akron Watson, also from San Antonio, was uninvited after getting through to Hollywood. While he does have a misdemeanor charge of marijuana possession against him, he'd apparently told Idol about it. Very curious. He's launched a MySpace page to gain support to be reinstated as a contestant. (Reality TV Magazine)

And because I'm apparently a Reality TV Magazine groupie today, here's another: There's a rumor floating around that Sean Michel, my personal favorite thus far, may be disqualified for not cutting his long-ass Jesus hair and beard. This better not be true. Not in a world where we have to live with Taylor Hicks, who the boyfriend refers to as "that elderly gentleman who won American Idol last season." (Reality TV Magazine)

Back in the day, Simon Cowell was a little girly man cowering before Eddie Murphy. (TV Squad)

Miss last night's show? I missed some of it because I was baking a sticky toffee pudding. I'd give you some, but I really didn't make enough for everyone and that wouldn't be fair. Thank heavens the audition shows are finally over! If you need to catch up on the San Antonio auditions, choose your own adventure:

People Magazine's recap

EW's recap

Television Without Pity's recap

Or, you know, check back later for Curly's recap. Naturally, it will be the best one.

Your Monday Newsbrief

Think American Idol is growing old and a bit stale? Oh yeah, fussy pants?!? Well what, pray tell, would YOU do to improve it? No really, I'm not picking a fight with y'all. MTV wants to know. In fact, they asked a variety of types including Taylor "The Tard" Hicks, Randy Jackson and some radio personalities I never heard of that very question. Do people even listen to regular radio anymore? Beyond Howard Stern and I guess Casey Kasem, I have no retention of radio dee-jays or their names. I mean, why would I?

But that's neither here nor there. If you have an opinion, and I know you do, head on over to MTV and leave suggestions. Or you can comment here while staying within the safe and comfy confines of your favorite bitchy blog. Mind you, we can't and won't pass them along to the powers-that-be at MTV but that still shouldn't stop you from flexing your free speech muscles here.

How would I improve the show, you ask? Well, for one, I'd condense the best and the worst of the auditions into four episodes (aired over two weeks) and then bring that shit to Hollywood tout de suite. Oh, and the production assistants should be tasked with making sure there's always some sort of mind-altering substance in Paula Abdul's Coke cup. At all times. Because it's just funnier when she's shit-faced. Thoughts? (MTV.com)

Despite her obvious fondness for the drink, some people do in fact think Paula is worthy of praise. The lush even managed to snag herself one of them there Women of the Year Awards. The honor was bestowed by the Nevada Ballet Theatre, not Apple Boones as I originally assumed. They're holding out to honor her with the Lifetime Achievement Award, methinks. (National Ledger)

People.com asked a rather random roster of celebrities which song they would sing if they were an American Idol contestant. Andy Roddick, that cute tennis player, mentions Menudo and Bananarama and honestly, I can't quite say for sure if he's being facetious or not. I hope so. Nelly Furtado, who is equally easy on the eyes, responded: "I would sing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' just to be different." Not sure if she's never watched the show or if that was a sly dig at Katharine McPhee. Frankly, I don't think Nelly's all that smart. Neither is Kat though. Whatever, I'd still bang both of them. And no, Andy Roddick, you cannot watch. (People.com)

Mark your calendars, Elliott Yamin fans. March 20 is a big day. Why, you ask? Well, it just so happens to be the anniversary of the publication of Albert Einstein's theory of relativity. What does that have to do with Elliott?! No fucking clue! I'm just trying to fill space. Actually though, that theory may have in some way, shape or form paved the way for the orthodontics that helped fix Elliott's busted grill. You never know!

Ow, all this talk of scientific theory is making my head hurt. Enough of this smart shit. March 20 is the day Yamin's debut album hits stores. If you can't wait that long, Elliott's first single titled "Movin' On" will be available for illegal downlo... er, I mean, purchase on iTunes and other digital music providers on February 13. (AmericanIdol.com)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

A Recap and a Roundup. Lucky Yous!

Okay, so I never quite got around to recapping the New York auditions when I said I would. My bad. What can I say? I suck and you should never ever date me.

But that's a story for another time and another blog. Oooh, shameless plug.

Anyhoo, I have to say that I was expecting to cringe through the entire two hours of this particular round because, prior to auditioning at Chelsea Piers in Manhattan, the contestants were first vetted at Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, NJ. See, I grew up a stone's throw from there and I was hoping against hope that the denizens of my home state wouldn't show me up... because, clearly, I am the bastion of class and propriety and shit.

But I'm happy to report that my fellow Garden Staters held their own. While cheesy and kind of annoying, Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba of Holmdel and Point Pleasant, respectively, didn't leave me wishing that I was born five months premature when my family still resided in Brooklyn, NY. Again, they were cheesy but not horrendous.

Do you know who was horrendous though? That Fania Tsakalakos. She's the one who treated us to the Big Fat Greek Audition and informed us that she's "from Athens, Greece and New Jersey."

I'm confused. Did her mother go into labor on the way from Greece to Newark Airport? Enlighten me, Fania. Oh and since I'm on this kick where I make questionable comparisons between contestants and celebrities in my recpas, I'm going to go ahead and say that Fania looks like the end result if Lainie Kazan and Nia Vardalos mated. Opa!

Since Mejack did such a bang-up job of summarizing the show, I'm going to shut up and move on into the most recent American Idol headlines.

Never let it be said that I have not mastered the smooth segue...

Katharine McPhee gives a lovely interview to People Magazine this week. Shut up, Mejack. It's true! Among other things, she acknowledges that she came across as "aloof" and "dry" on the program. Self-critique is hot. My crush is restored. Again, shut up Mejack! (AmericanIdol.com)

Kat can also be found in a guest-starring role in the hit sitcom "Ugly Betty" on February 1 (ABC, 8PM EST). That is quite possibly, the one and only time the words "ugly" and "Katharine McPhee" were ever uttered in the same sentence. I'm so serious, Mejack. Zip it. (Blogcritics)

Chris Daughtry's first album bearing the oh-so-original name of Daughtry is currently No. 1 on The Billboard 200. I can't say I'm shocked. After all, this is a nation where the likes of Applebees and the Olive Garden thrive. We have an isatiable appetite for the bland, tasteless and ultimately unsatisfying. It's a wonder plain rice cakes are not the number one snack food. (AmericanIdol.com)

But, if Daughtry is your sort of thing and you happen to live in the Greensboro, North Carolina area, well, we just can never be friends. Oh, I kid. While I do think Chris is a tool, I have no beef with The Tar Heel State. Y'all will be the envy of many a geographically-challenged Daughtry fan when the chrome-domed singer treats his homestate to a free concert on March 23, 2007. Uh, yeah... have fun with that. (Monsters and Critics.com)

Lastly, those of you equipped with a PlayStation 2 -- and a desire to humiliate yourself in the privacy of your own home -- can "audition" for Idol courtesy of Konami's Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol. OMG. I don't have PlayStation but between this game and Guitar Hero, I think I really need to get myself one. Donations gladly accepted. I don't rule out the odd sexual favor in exchange. (A+E Interactive)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Better Late Than Never Newsbrief

As if I needed an excuse to be even crankier on this blog (and in real life, if I'm being honest), I've been engaged in a frustrating battle with my Internet connection for the past several hours and I.am.not.happy.about.it. The error pages and slow page loads have left me feeling extra salty. But it's your lucky day because I'm funneling my inner bitch into today's daily news digest. So, buckle up, bitches.

"We're no crueler this year," claim the Idol judges and producers in response to criticism that they've been too aggressive in the new asshole-tearing they've been doing this season. In other words, they've always been skewering Special Olympians from day one. Oh, I see. It's just that us assmunches didn't notice until now. Gotcha. (People.com; Reality Blurred)

If you're feeling a tad nosy, fire up your iTunes and check out the playlists of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Chris Daughtry, Kellie Pickler, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood, Bo Bice and even Randy Jackson.

Surprisingly, no Journey was included in the latter's list. You tricked me, dawg! I was totally expecting some "Wheel in the Sky." Actually, no... that's not true. How silly of me. Randy didn't play bass on that track so why would he include it? I guess I meant to say that I was totally expecting some latter-day Journey that Randy played bass on. Um, I'd cite specific song titles and albums but really, do you even care? I sure as hell don't.

Once again Pickler proves that she's a dumb ass of monumental proportions. See, she first earned this distinction with her (albeit short-lived) dalliance with Constantine "My Chin Looks Just Like My Ass" Maroulis. She's now firmly cemented on my shit list thanks to the inclusion of one of her own tracks in her iTunes playlist.

So, to put this in perspective, no one else in that self-absorbed roster committed this crime. Just Kellie.

In case you're a little slow on the uptake, what I'm trying to say is that Pickler managed to make Randy "When I'm in the Studio with Mariah" Jackson look the model of humble restraint. Someone give me a billy-club, a darkened alley and five minutes alone with Pickler. Please? (iTunes Store; software download required for you Amish readers who don't have iTunes installed already.)

Citizens of Texas, you can go ahead and get your knickers out of that a knot they're in. Contrary to popular belief, Carrie Underwood and Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, are NOT sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. So, y'all can stop blaming her for distracting the QB and causing an early playoff exit. The real reason you're not going to the Super Bowl is because... uh... oh, fuck it. I hate football and I can't even pretend to give a shit. So let's just dispense with the trash talk and say that your team sucks and that'll be the end of it, okay? Move on. (National Ledger)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Newsbrief

Kelly Clarkson is the new face of NASCAR, y'all. If I actually gave a rat's ass, I'd take the time to find out who the old face of NASCAR was. But I really, really don't. I cannot stress that enough. (Reality TV World)

Season 6 wasted no time producing its first convict. Thomas Daniels, the dude I think looks like Lionel from The Jeffersons, was nabbed for a DUI in 2004 as well as a hit-and-run the following year.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if Tommy does make it to the finals, he will NOT be featured in any of those retarded Ford Focus commercials. All his costars will have to prance around and make asses of themselves and he'll be spared. Not the way I would have gone about it, but well done just the same, Tommy! (TMZ)

Speaking of oppressive product placement, Dreyer's Ice Cream is running an Idol-style contest for its Slow Churned Lite line of ice cream. Idol viewers and anyone bored enough are invited to vote for one of five new flavors (Hollywood Cheesecake, Soulful Sundae Cone, Choc 'n Roll Caramel, Take the Cake or Triple Talent). Gawd, those names! The favorite flavor will be sent to the "finals" and then forced to sing sappy ballads while legally bound to an iron-clad, soul-crushing contract, no doubt.

You know, part of me wants to slap this campaign with a big ol' "DUH!" but I won't because, well, I'm kind of hoping Dreyer's hooks me up with some free ice cream. Yes, I can be bought. Cheap. (Slashfood)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Newsbreak

Katharine "Tits" McPhee will star on "Lonelygirl15" Friday. Jess' head explodes from thinking too hard about fake reality vs. semi-fake reality vs. actual reality. We'll post the video, natch. (Pantagraph)

A buttload of people watched last night's premiere. 37.3 million, to be exact. That's even more than last year. And it breaks some kind of record or something. Dateline? Boston Legal? In yo face, suckas. (TV Week)

Sexy recappers whose American Idol wrap-ups I've been eagerly awaiting return: Michael Slezak from Entertainment Weekly and Joe R (and Jacob?) from Television Without Pity. Here's my favorite excerpt, from the TWoP recap:

Tashawn Moore is "dressed to impress" in a men's shirt and tie and is generally the most fantastic person on this entire show. She can't sing, nor can she remember any of the words to Prince's "Kiss," but she keeps snapping and shimmy-shaking and closing her eyes, picking out lyrics from the ether as she passes. She's utterly hysterical and cute and terrible, and it goes on forever and is totally worth it.

TMZ thinks Paula Abdul was downing whisky in her Coca-Cola cup (Sponsor alert! Product placement!) like there was no tomorrow to numb the pain of the performers. Can't say I blame her -- I did the same. (TMZ)

Diana Ross to share her special brand of batshit crazy with Idol hopefuls. Also, she's too busy to see Beyonce unconvincingly (so I've heard) try to emulate her in Dreamgirls (ABC-7 Chicago)

Oh, Happy Day

I'm excited today, people. Really, really excited. See, Bravo just announced the creation of "Hey Paula," a TV show about the life and times of one Miss Paula Abdul, set to debut sometime this year. According to the Associated Press, cameras will roll as Paula toils away on "Idol" as well as the upcoming "Bratz: The Movie" and her perfume and cosmetics lines. (Yahoo News)

I'm not sure I've ever been this excited about anything. Ever. I am SO going to watch this program religiously. And, naturally, I will chronicle each and every delicious detail in Paula's downward spiral right here on "American Midol." Because rejoicing in someone else's pain and misfortune is so much fun.

Oh and can we discuss "Bratz: The Movie" for a second?! Wow, just when I thought those dolls couldn't get any creepier, along comes Paula Abdul to ratchet things up from simply scary to truly terrifying. Um, well done, Paula?

Sorry, friends, but I'm not going anywhere near that movie. As much as I'm committed to broadcasting Paula's failures (and let's face it, it will fail) in a very public fashion, there are certain things I do value, such as my ability to hold down food and get a good night's sleep without frequent bouts of night terrors. Call me selfish, but you're on your own with this one.

All the News That's Fit to Pinch

I know you've been foaming at the mouth and battling the shakes for your next "Idol" news fix so suffer no longer, my fellow fiends. Here's the latest:

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes! Twists and turns are afoot! According to an executive producer of our beloved program, we can look forward to "a big-event show, sometime in the middle of the season, something that will blow America away." Hmm... Anyone want to take a stab at what the surprise could possibly be? My guess is that Randy ventures beyond his usual five-word vocabulary. (MSNBC)

Fear not, all you non-techie types and poor slobs prone to the occasional TiVo/DVR programming mishap! Episodes of Season 6 will be available online immediately after the broadcast. That's a huge relief for me because I'm going to have a dickens of a time explaining the tantrum-induced crack in my cable box to my cable provider. It didn't record a results show last season and well, it had to pay. But between you, me and the lamppost, I'm telling them that's the condition it arrived in. You dig? (The Daily Reel)

In other news, "Idol" producers have finally figured out what we've known all along -- the song selections for finalists suck copious amounts of ass. So, in an effort to find something a little less shitty for the top two to warble, producers are reportedly adding a songwriting contest this season. Oh good! Now we'll have a name and face to put with the usual scorn and insults. Potential applicants: Make sure your contact info is not a matter of public record because we WILL track you down and ridicule you mercilessly, if need be. (Reality TV World)

Have you just been dying to know what John Stevens, the carrot-topped crooner from Season 3 has been up to these days? Yeah, me neither. But you can get yourself up to speed on the likes of Frenchie Davis, Kimberly Caldwell, Jim Verraros and that perky wee Diana DeGarmo thanks to the crack investigative team over at Entertainment Weekly.

Oh and as of this posting, it is 7 days, 4 hours, 38 minutes and 4 seconds to the Season 6 premiere. Not that I'm obsessed or anything...

The Cure

No, I'm not talking about my all-time favorite band. I'm talking about hiccups. Specifically, those belonging to Kellie Pickler.


Says The Tennessean:

Kellie Pickler Loses Hockey Brawl

Country newcomer Kellie Pickler has discovered there's one competition more brutal than American Idol: pro hockey. After singing to Clemson and Kentucky fans at Legends on Friday, she attended her first hockey game Saturday and afterward joined Predators Jordin Tootoo and Scottie Upshall at the Tin Roof.

Told to do a handstand to cure her hiccups, she kicked up her red high heels over her head. A pretend hockey fight broke out and Kellie, 20, ended up at the bottom of the pile. The melee left a knot on her forehead that remains. At least she still has all of her teeth.

Google tells me that doing a handstand is, in fact, a cure for hiccups. But honestly, doesn't that seem like a lot of work when they'll probably just go away on their own? And I bet the conversation went like this:

Kellie: Y'all, I have hiccups!

My Hero: Do a handstand!

Kellie: All right!

My Hero (to friend): Dude, we're at a hockey game. I didn't think she'd really do it.

My Hero's Friend (shaking head): What a dumbass. Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

I go back and forth on whether or not I think Kellie Pickler is a genuine idiot, or an idiot solely for entertainment's sake. In this case, I'm going to go with the former.

Some other Idol-related news: Mandisa writing a book about food addiction. Read about it here.

Also, 13 Days! See the shiny new graphic that Curly made? It's over there -->

The Final Countdown

Doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot…

(Hm, no one remembers that song by the 80s hair band Europe? Well, okay then.)

We are officially back from our semi-hiatus to start the countdown to Idol madness. Can you stand the suspense?

15 Days!

Now, let's get to the news, shall we?

Jennifer Hudson, who y'all couldn't be bothered to vote for but will still happily climb on the bandwagon now, to be honored by the Oklahoma Film Critics, which is probably not that big of a deal. I mean, Oklahoma? I didn't even know they had films there. (Playbill)

Everything you always wanted to know about Simon Cowell. Oh wait, no. That was the Rolling Stone interview. This is just less of the same. (Extra)

The predictions are in: Idol 6 ratings are going to suck ass. In related news, Midol bloggers wonder why the hell it took them five years to come up with the idea to blog about the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

Breaking! Simon Cowell makes a buttload of money. I initially typed "buttloaf" there, which is funny. (United Press International)

Audition Videos Galore! See the freaks who came out for their chance to be on the show. (American Idol Official Site)