What? Really? Oh. Well, okay, I guess.

Goodbye, my almost lover.

"Almost lover" in my brains, that is. I talked it over with Jason Castro, and I picked him as my man-boy love servant anyway, so I'm not completely heartbroken that you're outie.

Michael Johns, your tour ends here. Errrrr... wait, that's the hit-the-curb line from "Rock of Love". Whatever. I think it was all those farkatke CRAVATS. Laterz, MJ. Go record an album. I'll buy it.

Idol Recap: The Lennon-McCartney Songbook

Ahh, American Idol: putting stink on Rock & Roll classics for 7 seasons now.

Syesha Mercado – She put a safe, early 80’s Earth, Wind & Fire spin on “Got to get you into my life”, even if it wasn’t her best vocal performance. I thought it lacked a little bit of sparkle, but she stayed true to the EW&F cover and ended up having fun with it. I have to agree with Simon, it was better than alright, and it was definitely better than last week’s performance.

Chikeze Eze – “She’s a woman”. Chikeze, honey, you knocked it out of the fucking park. You found your shining moment, and this was as close to PERFECT as it’s gonna get. Awesome job. I have nothing snarky to say… I guess it happens sometimes. I’m not in love with Chikeze but I’m warming to him thanks to this performance.

Ramiele Mulubay – “In my life” I have to agree with Jess that it started out seeming interesting then turned into a predictable, monumental bore. In fact I think her predictability is what will ultimately keep her from ever becoming the American Idol. But I do love me some sushi.

Jason Castro – “If I fell in love with you” – Randy didn’t love it. I did. I still say I’ll take on any bitch who tries to get in between me and the lovely, beautiful Jason Castro and his delicious dreds. When Simon called Jason’s performance “student in a bedroom at midnight”, I got all hot and bothered thinking about him in my bedroom at midnight… God. Is it hot in here, or is it just me? Verdict: he’s staying. And he’s in love with me, bitches.

Note: During Jason Castro’s (a.k.a. the future Mr. Melissa McGee) performance, I received the following email from my friend Sara in Brooklyn: “Seriously, I want to put Jason Castro on bread and eat him like a sandwich.”

Sara, we’ve known each other for about 25 years. We’ve been through it all together, and you know I’d lay down my life for you. But I’ll fight you for him. Don’t make me make you my bitch, Sara. I’ll do it. I’m out of control. You can’t stop me.

Carly Smithson – “Come together”. Carly rocked the shit out of this song. Best performance of the night. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I’m awfully generous tonight. Do I have a secret reason that I’m in such a good mood? Maybe I do, and maybe I DO. Seriously, Carly made this song her very own and even managed to win Simon over with her song choice for the first time. My only complaint: I am begging the stylists of the show to NEVER put Carly in an electric blue satin potato sack again. Ever.

David Cook – “Eleanor Rigby” Man oh man, I really want to hate this smarmy camera fucker. His performance tonight didn’t deter that hatred in even the slightest. Can somebody please tell David Cook that he’s not Scott Stapp? All that was missing from his performance was the stop-action “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon” ninja moves from that Creed video. Still, vocally, and it pains me to say this more than you could ever know, it didn’t completely suck. Okay, it didn’t suck at all. He was pretty good. Damn it.

Brook White – “Let it be”. I’ve not been the biggest fan of Brooke White so far, but I think she might have won me over with tonight’s performance. I’m not sure why, but I just… liked it. Technically it wasn’t what I think Idol performances should be, but damn it, she’s got a likeable Carly Simon quality to her when she’s on a piano. She seemed to step into the role of Rock-Ballad star pretty easily. Oh, and shut the fuck up, Randy. I’m sick of your yap.

David Hernandez - “I saw her standing there”. To say I loathed it wouldn’t be strong enough. I seriously wanted to mute the volume. Maybe I’m gearing up to hate Amanda Overmyer’s performance, but I thought it was just… well, not good in any way. Not a good song choice, and although I hate to EVER agree with Randy, I would have to concur that it was “a little overdone”. To say the least.

Amanda Overmyer - “You can’t do that.” Leather Tuscadero once again sounds like she has a ginormous cream cheese bubble in her damn throat and it makes me want to kick her in the neck just to knock it clear. And if she landed on her face that would just be a bonus. Is there a song that Amanda Overmyer doesn’t work the word “child” into? I don’t think so, America. Randy said she took a Beatles classic and rocked it out as if she’d been "in a Southern Bar." Is that supposed to be a compliment? ‘Cause Randy, you fucktard, I LIVE in the south, and playing at a Southern Bar means you HAVE NOT MADE IT. You’re singing to drunken rednecks with Rebel flags in the rear window of their pickup trucks. Rednecks itchy to pick a fight and cut you with a broken beer bottle. VFTW will ensure that bubblethroat remains in the competition for another week, so there’s no point in my rant but one thought does bear repeating: I hate Amanda Overmyer.

Michael Johns – “Across the Universe”. I didn’t think I could like this song any more than I already did, but now I know I can, especially when I imagine Michael Johns singing it to me while wearing nothing but a smile. Erm, I mean… well, yeah, that was totally what I meant. Did anybody else notice the picture of cute little Michael as a kid in Oz wearing a VEGEMITE sweatshirt? How freaking Australian is he? Aaaaannnnd he’s safe.

Kristy Lee Cook - She took a risk with a hillbilly arrangement of “Eight Days a Week”, and boy howdy did it ever NOT work. She was all over the place with the fucked up tempo, and the arrangement was just a big hot mess. This performance was just further proof that Beatles songs should never, and I repeat NEVER be countrified. And also that Kristy Lee Cook is going to be the next Idol wannabe voted off. Paula said she didn’t get it. For once, I don’t think it was because she was high. Simon thought it was horrendous. I have to agree. Also, I was wondering what was making her eyeballs bug out of her head while she was singing. Possibly the thousand points of light caused by that farkatke sequined tanktop that caused seizures all over the country. Bye bye, Sparkle McHillbilly.

David Archuleta – “We can work it out”. I counted twice that he forgot the lyrics, and it destroyed his confidence. His vocal was the weakest its been so far, which is saying something, because he’s been consistently awesome since the auditions. Still I think he’s a safe bet to stick around for a while longer.

Melissa's pick for ousted Idol: Kristy Lee Cook

Top 16 - The Girls

I spent this evening watching American Idol over beers with my good friend Craig. He’s twice as catty as I am. Stick a few beers in him and he’s downright bitchy. Watching American Idol with Craig while we were drunk really seemed to tone down the overall douchy-ness of Ryan Seacrest. Too bad it didn’t take the edge off of Paula. She was in rare train-wreck form on Wednesday night. I didn’t spell-check because I was way too drinky to care. My apologies.

Asia’h Epperson – “I wanna dance with somebody” – started out shaky and awkward. I really wanted to blame it on the fact that she was walking down stairs, but alas, the rest of the song sort of tanked as well. Paula was standing up and dancing like an idiot because, well, she’s high. I was bored to tears and thought she really lacked energy, despite all the jumping around. Randy the namedropping donkey loved it because he worked on the original with Whitney Houston. Simon hit the nail on the head with “Second rate Whitney”.

Me: Way more interested in text messaging with another one of my friends than listening. BORRRRRRRRE-ing.

Kady Malloy – I had no idea what song this even was, because she lost me with the first sour note, which was unfortunately to be followed by a bevy of other horribly rotten, eardrum curdling notes. God almighty, I wanted to mute her. I got back to text messaging as a form of Idol escapism. “Massive lack of personality” is a phrase coined by Simon that I am going to adopt into my personal vocabulary. Especially when referring to Kady Malloy. Turns out it was Queen’s “Who wants to live forever”. I didn’t even recognize it. I do not share the Kady love with Curly McDimple. Curly, she’s all yours, honey.

Amanda Overmyer – this bitch managed to completely ruin a Joan Jett song for me. And I didn’t even like it all that much to begin with, but now it’s become the bane of my existence. I don’t care how much ass Simon kissed, I still hate this woman and can’t wait until she’s no longer sullying my television screen. Sure, it didn't completely suck and this might have been her best performance to date, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while. I don’t like her and you can’t make me. And I’m drunk, so I’ll fight about it if necessary. I’m about to fight Craig just because I can and I'm feelin' frisky.

Carly Smithson – “I drove all night” gave me goose bumps. Her sustain was perfect and – dare I say it? I thought the song was flawless. She is definitely my pick for the winner out of the women. I hated the pants though, Carly. Somewhere, Laura Petrie is asking Rob where her sailor pants went. Beyond that, I thought it was sheer perfection. Simon, I officially break up with you. You never loved me anyway, and I’ve got to move on to someone who loves Carly as much as I do.

Paula: “You’re like a dependable dog.”
Me: “What the fuck?”

Kristy Lee Cook – Sang “Faithfully” by Journey. Didn’t quite hit it and was flat most of the song. My friend Craig and I were chatting during the critique about Paul being as high as bird twat when we noticed Paula and Simon doing something that seemed to be akin to canoodling.

Me: “What the fuck are they doing!?”
Craig: “It’s an intervention.”

Ramiele Maluby – Nailed “Against all odds”, but I actually agreed with Randy (forgive me) that she should find her confidence; it was clear she was lacking confidence and she certainly shouldn’t cause this little chickadee can wail. I don’t think she’ll win it, but I think she’s in it for a while. Overall I thought it was alright, and I think she's a safe bet to stay.

On a completely unrelated note, when you’re as drunk as Craig and I am, listening to Ryan Seacrest announce “Ramiele Mulaby!” sounded remarkably like “Ramalama Mybobo!” I’m just sayin’.

Update: Paula is completely out of control fucked up on God knows what. She rambled and prattled on about dogs and sweaters until I thought I was high. My friend Craig’s impression of Paula:

“I like your sweater. I like the color of your skirt. Your hair is perfect. Oh, and by the way, your song was pretty. Dogs.”

Brook White – made me long for the “Love is a Battlefield” video where Pat Benatar shimmies her 9-year-old-boy rack right at the camera because, well, it was so much more exciting than this. I dozed off during this performance and dreamed of 80’s hookers doing a choreographed dance number while wearing fringe and satin. It was awesome. I knew the judges would love it because I’m not even reading the same book as the judges this season. I was right. Paula went on about dogs again and I went to the fridge for another beer. I’m clearly not drunk enough.

By the time Syesha Mercado started singing, my friend Craig and I were already completely hammered and could no longer even hear the song because we were laughing too hard at her outfit. “She looks like the guy from the Cracker Jack box.” said Craig. I don’t remember much about her performance because I was laughing too hard, but what I can recall wasn’t all that bad. Since it didn't make me all stabby and murderous, I think it must have been a decent performance.

I promise to stay sober for the vote-offs, and there’s a promise you’ll never get from Paula.

Flip over baby, let's do it the other way...

I thought instead of asking who's going home again this week, I'd do things a little differently and ask who you think is going to stick around until the end. Not the top two, not the winner, just the final four. What say you?

more at twiigs.com...

And of course, here's a reminder of who had to pack their toys and go home so far.

Four more hopefuls bite the dirt

After the last two nights that were unexpectedly busy leaving me no time to blog, I am happy to report that we are once again sans two more men and two women on Idol. Honestly, right now I’d rather be watching “Snapped!” on the Oxygen network. Or shoving frilly hors d'œuvre toothpicks in my eyeballs.

I loved Michael Johns opening the show’s ensemble number, and I desperately wanted to bleach my eyeballs when camera fucker David Cook took the stage in his place. Then cute little David Archuleta chimed in – and I’ll be a sausage biscuit if he didn’t sound like he might be the next Michael McDonald in something like twenty years.

Then for the women, singing Bonnie Tyler’s “It’s a heartache”, Carly Smithson rocked the stage and sounded fantastic. I had high hopes for this version of “heartache”. That is, until one-trick pony Amanda Overmyer started screeching and straining and grunting out her share of lyrics as if she were trying to squeeze off a number two. Every time she opens her mouth, I wonder what the fuck she’s still doing on this show.


First of the men going home: Jason Yeager. Thank goodness, because if it had been Danny Norriega, he’d have fainted like Scarlet O’Hara. Someone needs to teach Danny to school his features more, because every time he’s not singing into a microphone, he looks like a deer caught in the headlights of an 18 wheeler. Getting back to Jason Yeager, his sing out was better than his performance last night, much to his detriment.

I’m starting my prayers; vespers, if you will, that God sees fit to kick Amanda Overmyer to the curb this week. Please God, if you’re listening, make her go suck somewhere else, because bless her heart and Bride of Frankenstein hair disaster, I’m sick to death of having to watch her on Idol.

During the commercial break, I’m not-so-secretly hoping that the smarmy David Cook is the next boy with his neck on the chopping block. I won’t waste my prayers on it though; those are saved for Amanda Overmyer.

The first girlie going home this week: Alexandrea Lushington... which proves to me that there is a) no God in heaven, or b) I was a total asshole in my last life, and this is a big, fat, cosmic, karmic joke on Melissa. How the hell Amanda Overmyer escaped the blade yet again is beyond me, other than the votes were cast by horny 14 year old boys who think she’d put out because she’s a “rocker chick” who rides a hog. Whatever. Enjoy the spotlight while you’ve still got it, Frankenmyer. It’s gonna be a short ride. I predict even the horny 14 year olds get sick of her by next week’s eliminations.

I'll remove this if I have to (Really, Fox. I will! Don't be mad at me.) but this abomination bears reviewing in case you missed it - it really puts into perspective just how craptastic her performance was last night, and how mind bogglingly stupid it is that she's still in the running.

I think the real clencher was the St. Vitus dance she did throughout her performance. It looks less like dancing and more like some sort of horrible palsy.


Second female leaving us this week: some blonde girl who looks like all the other blond girls. It was Alaina Whitaker, who tearfully proclaimed “I can’t sing…” Because I am Melissa, Mistress of the Obvious, I feel compelled to point out “We know, honey.” I realize she was referring to her sing out, but I feel like being a bitch about it. Kudos to Alaina for actually singing herself out while devastated and completely choked up. I always have a little soft spot for people who have to sing while they’re crying. Sure her sing out performance was horrible, but unless you’re Michael Jackson or Dolly Parton, you’re gonna sound like diaper filling smells if you’re singing and crying simultaneously.

I always want to punch Ryan Seacrest right square in the pills during the melodramatic eliminations.

Last cut of the night and the second dude: Robbie Carrico and his plastic Barbie hair wig. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it. I think we’ve seen him in almost every season prior to this one, but in his previous incarnations he’s always been more charismatic and far more vocally talented. Laterz, Robbie. Somewhere there’s a bad Poison cover band looking for someone to fill in for their lead singer while he’s fulfilling his court ordered community service. You’ll do.

Poll-time again!

In the spirit of "I don't really care so much about the singing at this point; I just really want to know who's packing their crap and going home." while we're still in the stages of thinning out the herd, I thought I'd remind you all who went home last Thursday, since all three days of broadcast were completely unremarkable and ultimately, sleep inducing. True story. Just ask Curly.


Which two boys are going home on Tuesday?

• David Hernandez



• Luke Menard



• Jason Castro



• Danny Norriega



• Chikezie Eze



• David Cook



• Michael Johns



• David Archuleta



• Jason Yeager



• Robbie Carrico

Created on Feb 25, 2008

View Results

And -

Who's the biggest TOOL of the remaining boys?

• Jason Yeager


• Danny Norriega


• Robbie Carrico


• Chikezie Eze


• David Cook


• David Hernandez


• David Archuleta


• Luke Menard

Created on Feb 25, 2008

View Results

more at twiigs.com...

Yes, Jason Castro & Michael Johns are conspicuously missing from this list because a) really, neither one of them are tools, b) it's my damn poll and c) the whole Jason Castro/Michael Johns sandwich thing.

buhhh-bye: the first cut is the deepest.

Best quote of the night: “Back in a big way, Paula Abdul.”

And by “big”, Ryan meant “wrecked”.

Can I just say that the 60’s montage with the 24 was quite possibly filled with the worst stage performances I’ve ever seen? Retards on Parade. That’s what I thought about that. Sure, there were some good vocals in it, and even some really good vocals in it. But it’s like that old adage that a few bad apples make the whole damn barrel completely shitty. You’ve heard that one.

Buh-bye, Garrett Haley. First cut of the season. Breaking up is indeed hard to do. For you. It turned out to be easier for me than I ever expected. It’s too bad he had to sing that farkatke song again. Talk about leaving with a whimper.



I figured out who the feck Amanda Overmyer reminds me of, which would explain why I can’t stand her: Suzi Quatro as Leather Tuscadero on “Happy Days”. She's like Leather's doppleganger. Leather v2.0. Which means I'm gonna have nightmares again.

Laterz, Amy Davis. I don’t even remember what you sang, so I don’t think I’m going to miss you too terribly. I’ll try to pick up the pieces. And as Paula said, “You gotta paint that door and that knob.” What the fuck? Her sing-out made me sort of a sad puppy though; sick and trying not to cry is the worst way to have to sing. I’ve been there. Not on national television being watched by bajillions of viewers, but still, I know that had to suck donkey ones.

Those silly producers and their teasers! Another girl going home after the break. I’m going to take this commercial break as my opportunity to pray to God to make it so that Leather Tuscadero goes home. I really don’t want to have to look forward to a whole season of Idol with her screamy vocals and uncomfortable, constipated facial expression. Or even one more Janis Joplin comparison. It’s wrecking my life and causing me to drink more.

And after the break, I learned that God hates me and Joanne Borgella is going home instead. Cabaret or not, I’d rather listen to Joanne all season than Screamy McSluggish-Bowel.

The last boy going home: Colton Berry and his creepy albino eyelashes. And 4 inch long sideburns.

How embarrassing for the 2 girls going home that the last time they were seen on American Idol, they were wearing the most unflattering outfits like, ever?

I’m going to go drink to the fact that there’s no American Idol on for the next four days.

On a completely unrelated note, forget what I said about wanting to marry Michael Johns. I now have loftier aspirations and have decided that I want to be the Melissa meat in a Michael Johns/Jason Castro sandwich. With absolutely nothing "family show" about it. Meow.

Boys - FOUR of the Top 24, and that's all.

So this is going to be relatively short & sweet, and I’m bitchy as hell about it. Somehow, and I think it had to do with the holiday on Monday, I completely spaced that last night was American Idol night and missed the first 20 minutes of the show. “It’s no real loss, Scarlet.” I told myself. Yes, I call myself Scarlet. Let’s move on. I thought it would be no real loss because I could still an hour and 40 minutes of Idol. *Or so I thought.

So I started my night with the skin-crawlingly nauseating vocal stylings of David Cook. Not my favorite way to start any evening.

David Cook – Tag! Was this our first instance of camera fuckery? I believe it might have been! David gives me the monkey nerves with that freakish, creepy, flat-ironed, thin hair that looks like a bad comb-over to cover up his 25 year old male pattern baldness. I almost can’t get past the hair. Or the camera fucking. I didn’t love his rendition of The Turtles’ “Happy Together” as much as the judges did; I didn’t love it at all, actually. I thought it was screamy and yelly and really, really pitchy. He was trying to reach specific notes while shrieking but was unable to attain said specific notes, so settled for lesser, crappier notes in the completely wrong key. And the camera fucking? Dios mio! It was enough to induce a violent attack of OCD, causing me to check and recheck the locks on all of my doors. Shades of "If she were Columbo, I'd Peter Falk her." Seriously.

Jason Yeager – I didn’t realize this guy was from Grand Prairie, which borders my hometown of Irving, Texas. Or that he has one of those weird Sixth Sense locks of gray hair, which is proof positive that he sees dead people. I’m all about the dudes’ hair tonight and how stabby it makes me. I thought his performance of “Moon River” was completely and utterly snooze worthy. Monumental bore and maddeningly Andy Williams-esque. He sang it like a member of a frat boy’s chorus, for the love of God. Should have been wearing a letter sweater. Simon pegged it with “cruise ship”. Simon – call me.

Robbie Carrico – I haven’t been very impressed by Robbie Carrico so far, and his performance tonight definitely was not the performance that changed my mind. He reminds me of any drunk guy in any karaoke bar in any city. You know the guy: he gets tanked on Old Milwaukee and sings “Freebird” because he’s just drunk enough to believe he should be in a band. I don’t like the tone of his voice and he doesn’t seem to have much control over it. Sang “One” by Three Dog Night. Randy liked it, which cements my theory that Randy is indeed retarded and in need of supervision. Clearly he can’t make responsible decisions left on his own.

David Archuleta – OMGWTFBBQ? What happened, sweet little David? He definitely needs to sing in a higher register than his version of “Shop Around” required. The judges were sloppin’ sugar all over him up in that bitch though; Simon labeled it as the best performance of the evening so far. Was I the only one who heard him going through puberty? You could actually hear his sack drop. He’s cute as a bug though, so I can’t help but like him, and he seems so genuinely overwhelmed and excited by the whole thing. It’s sort of sweet. God, what’s wrong with me?!

And that’s when the picture went out. I could hear Danny Noriega trying unsuccessfully to sound butch while murdering "Jailhouse Rock", but I couldn’t see him. Nor could I see Paula when she prattled on and on about colors and bunnies. The drugs must have kicked in. Maybe it's best that all of my senses weren't lambasted by Paula...

*And that’s when the CABLE went out and since I’m “bundled”, the internets went as well. Bye-bye. Later. See ya, maybe. Which is awesome. My cable company is the devil. The cable and internet came back on sometime over night I guess, because it was back on at 6am this morning when it woke me up. Thanks, huge billion dollar cable corporation for not only wrecking my viewing pleasure, but for waking me up too, fuckers.

Hollywood Week Tuesday Recap

It’s here, kiddos. Hollywood week. Where dreams are made and murdered in a matter of minutes. We get to witness as “You’re going to Hollywood!” turns into “You’re going back home because we don’t exercise good judgment and we somehow overlooked the fact that you suck ass.” in the blink of an eye.

Kicking off Hollywood week:

Brook White – Horrific, if I’m being honest, while singing Carole King’s “Beautiful” and playing the keyboard. I have no idea what the hell the judges were listening to when they told her she was fan-fucking-tastic. Maybe they were listening to Carole King sing it herself on their iPods. That’s all I can figure. I’m definitely not on the same page as the judges yet this season... which is no big surprise. I rarely am.

More bad singing ensued. Nothing memorable, and from no one we’ll ever hear sing again.

Alisha Dixon – What the hell?

Alyssa Coco – got about 3 notes out of her yap before Simon shut her up. Thank you, Simon. Have I told you lately that I love you?

Shaun Burrows – Lame. I can’t take any more of this shit where the contestants are playing instruments. I hope this is a one-time deal, and it doesn’t carry over into the future seasons. It sucks. It sucks ASS. And it’s not helping any of the contestants so far. Quite the contrary.

I refuse to comment on every single person singing while they’re playing drums badly, guitar badly, keyboards badly.

Thank you David Hernandez for NOT playing a fucking instrument. Sang a soulful-cum-jazzy version of CSNY’s “Love the one you’re with” and honestly, it was pretty damn badass. I didn’t like all the note-runs and twists and turns, but he’s definitely got some bangin’ vocal power. You GO, David Hernandez.

Amanda Overmyer – “The Rock & Roll nurse”, which I’m sure we’re going to get to hear for the entire season. I’m sick of her stupid dye job. Is it just me or does she sound a bit like she’s had too much dairy and has some sort of cream cheese bubble in her throat? I am no longer enamored of her. STOP REFERRING TO THIS BITCH AS JANIS-LIKE. Monotony? Yes. A whole heapin’, steamin’ pile of it.

Buck Smith – Bo Bice called, he wants his look back. And he told me to tell you “My hair is BROWN, bitch!”

Ghaleb Emachec - One word: smarmy. Another word: craptastic.

Day Two in Hollywood started off with Ryan lying his ass off by saying “this year the talent is better than ever.”

Josiah-living-in-his-car-Leming – again with the stupid fake British accent coming out of his hillbilly mouth. Sounds like he’s listened to way too much Keane. Simon is going to remember this audition out of all the auditions, he said. Randy pledged his undying love to Josiah. Paula slipped her room key to him.

Carly Smithson – The only thing I was able to focus on was her bright blue tongue. Why the blue tongue, Carly? Somewhere, a smurf is blissfully smoking a cigarette.

David Cook – Almost couldn’t get past his 1995 Christy Turlington hair style. Also had a blue tongue… which makes me wonder if they’re passing around blue lozenges back stage or if I should just strike while the iron is hot and start the rumors about David and Carly myself.

The last contestant of Day 2 – Kyle Ensley, the curly-mopped governor-wannabe from Oklahoma who likes deer jerky. Murdered – no, slaughtered “Love grows where my Rosemary goes.” “A little corny” Paula said, because she clearly has no idea what corn even is.

Perrie Cataldo – Got his last chance on Day 3, and his singing wasn’t nearly as bad as many of the warbling no-talent yahoos that made it through. He got his walkin’ papers.

I’m officilally drunk now.

Amy Flynn – I beseech you Randy, Simon & Paula: PLEASE send this annoying little virgin home. Aaaaaaaand thank you.

Angela Martin – should just get signed by a label already. She’s better than having to compete with Jeffrey Lampkin for a title like “Idol”. She’s just fantastic and – I’m not being snarky at all right now for some reason – she really deserves a contract.

Syesha - is my current bet for the winner. She just looks like a star, and God Almighty, she did the Queen of Soul proud with her raspy, sexy turn at “Chain of Fools”. Sing it, sister.

Michael Johns – Didn’t think it was the best audition of the day, as Simon did, but I did think performed well if not a little bland for my taste. He was hoarse enough to have to strain to reach a few notes but wise enough to pull back a little where it was necessary and managed to play it off very nicely .I’m so sad that I saw that wedding band on his left hand. Damn. Cause I was so gonna marry that guy.


Carly Smithson – Rocked the Hell out of pretty bad Heart song. I really didn’t want to like her, but damn it, she made me like her with this last performance.

Brooke Helvie – I really didn’t want to like her, and I succeeded wildly. The begging and pleading were unbearable. Her tearful, dramatic commentary “I just wish I was given a fair chance, like everyone else.” has to be the most ridiculous, narcissistic statement I’ve heard like, ever. She got more chances than most people in the world will ever have, and way, WAY more than she deserved. GO HOME, Prissy.

HATEFUL RANT WARNING: Sick and fucking tired of Josiah. This little turd isn’t “comfortable” with the band. God. How do you go on? He’s a monumental drama queen and a smarmy little prima donna. Shut up. Go sleep in your car, fucktard. The grandstanding to dismiss the band was nauseating, as was his fucked up Radiohead-meets-a-British-palsy-sufferer rendition of “Stand by Me” which sucked so bad I got a hickey. Simon nailed him to a wall with the “over-confidence” remark and made him cry like the little bitch that he is, and the sad-puppy camera fucking was enough to make me drink until I black out. I officially hate his drama queen guts. I am not looking forward to having to watch him in the episodes to come. I feel a hateful curse comin’ on.

Tomorrow, the revealing of the Top 24; we get to watch as more bleary-eyed, teary-eyed wannabes and also-rans get sent packing with their tails between their legs, and we get to meet the 24 contestants we’ll be watching get hacked to pieces for the rest of the season!

Woo! Bring it!

Melissa’s Idol Recap – Not-so-Hot-lanta.

Opening the show with Charlie Daniels’ “Devil went down to Georgia” just set the tone for the rest of the hour. It made me want to go on a stabbing rampage. So that’s where I am right now.

Joshua Jones – A man with a passion for glass, and a raging case of the crazy eyes. I believe it might be a physical impossibility for him to sing without creepy, murderous, zombie theatrics. And whaddya know? Crazy Eyes is going to Hollywood. Are you kidding? My mood has not improved yet, and now I’m gonna have nightmares about this guy and his psychotic eyeballs.

Early Side note: I’ve heard “The ATL” about 4 times so far from Ryan Seacrest and “Hot-lanta” about 5 times from Seacrest and random contestants. Come on, fuckers. We get it.

Asia’h Epperson – OMGDIDSHESAYHERDADJUSTDIED? Wow. That’s a backstory. Sang “How do I live” and son of a bitch, I couldn’t get through it without breaking down. I can’t BELIEVE she got through as much of it as she did without puddling up earlier. HOLY CRAP. You’re going to Hollywood, baby girl. Related story: Sure, it was sad and sweet, but what the hell happened to Paula? Seriously Paula, get a grip. I mean really – sad is sad, and I did get a little teary, but for the love of crap, I didn’t have to turn my back and leave the room. Lay off the sauce, Paula. Just once.

Brooke Helvie - Miss South Florida Fair. Said she has kissed a pig. Who hasn’t, honey? Tell your daddy to call me back, damn it. Best quote of the night so far: “I just said doo-doo on American Idol.” Slammed her tittles against Simon for a post-congratulatory hug when she found out she’s going to Hollywood. But not before she shrieked like a harpy and scared all of the judges. And me. I think a little pee came out. “I didn’t want her to sing well.”, Simon confessed, after saying she was the most annoying person he’s ever met. I’m with you, Cowell. And now I gotta change my panties. Again. Damn it.

Montage: a bunch of idiots singing “Glamorous”. Is it wrong that I laughed when the last contestant in the montage sang “Grammerous”? Because I did. And hard.

Eva Miller – Fell on her ass while dancing around like a patient out on a day pass from the institution. And wanted to be taken seriously. And is in love with Simon Cowell. LOVED the instant replay, with slo-mo falling-on-ass-and-rolling-backwards-like-a-fat-girl action. Still loves Simon even after he lambasted her. What a big, stupid trooper. Gets points for one of the most awesome falls ever.

Alexandrea Lushington – 16 years old, going to Hollywood after her “My funny Valentine” audition. The only thing snarky I have to say about her is that she was dressed a little bit like Patty Hearst in the surveillance tapes when she got brainwashed and helped hold up that bank.

Jared Wiley – Sang in a little girl falsetto. With an awesome lisp. I kept expecting him to break out singing “Three little maids from school are we!”

Nathan Hite – Came into the room armed with an attitude and a few not-so-well chosen retorts to what he predicted Simon would say. Actually, just the one retort that he repeated 3 times. Then went into some sort of weird, asshole standup routine. Blew Simon a kiss on the way out. I just wanted to kick him in the neck.

Amanda Overmyer – of COURSE she sang Janis Joplin. Who didn’t have that pegged as soon as she opened up her yap to speak? I was giddy as a schoolgirl that Simon stopped her from singing Janis’ “Mean Woman Blues” because it was like watching – as Simon says so eloquently – karaoke. Really bad karaoke. Janis is my girl, y’all. I take it as a personal affront anytime someone other than Melissa Etheridge sings a Janis Joplin song. Stop it. You’re just gonna wreck it and force me to hurl snarky remarks at you and call you names like “fucktard” and “dumbass”.

Josiah Leming – Living in his car for the last year. He said he “loves” living in his car, because he’s a dumbass who essentially dropped out of school and ran away from his home – warm bed, roof and food included. Dumb fuck. What the FUCK is with all the sad stories today? I can only imagine that Paula is going to have another complete breakdown when she hears about this. His singing? Weird. The reaching out with the arm and grabbiness of the chest and bouncing up and down was distracting. And the English accent while he was singing? What? You’re from TENNESSEE. What the hell was it with the 3 judges? They loved him way too much. So naturally, I hate them.

Atlanta had better auditions than the last couple of locations, in my opinion. Tomorrow night is “Hollywood or Bust”, and what I imagine to be a lame one hour montage of the worst of the worst so far this season. All I care about is that it’s the last night of this audition shit, then on to Hollywood Week. Thank God. I’m this close to going knife shopping.

Please Stand By

Last night, we had, respectively:

• Subway problems which prevented us from getting home before midnight, and we had to be up by 6:00 for our internship



• Home remodeling and freelance work-induced narcolepsy



• Personal issues more important than American Idol (it happens!) that needed to be attended to, and a busted DVR

So there you go. Curly and I will have updates for you later today, and stay tuned for the debut of our newest Midol blogger -- Lizz from FtheFtrain. She's going to be awesome, I'm sure. (No pressure!)

Tuesday Idol Recap – Melissa is in Hell

Okay kids, this is gonna be down and dirty. My DVR crapped out day before yesterday so this is all gonna be on the fly – no rewindies. Plus, I’m in a shit mood, and I’ve got a raging headache.

Picture it: Omaha, Nebraska, the winter of 2008. Corntown, USA. Tens of thousands of hopefuls herd like cattle with their sites set on becoming the next American Idol. Why, oh why didn’t they put two and two together and realize that with the exception of a very precious few, they’d only end up on the “you suck” reels of the audition broadcast? Don’t these people WATCH American Idol? If you can’t sing, a cow costume isn’t going to confuse the judges into thinking that you can.

Chris Bernhsldjhtgswdkljkjhsd - I missed his last name because, well, I can’t rewind, and it sounded like maybe there were no vowels in it. Gets points for the most retarded handstand I’ve seen, maybe ever. He is but another blip on the total suck radar. According to Randy, he’s “the next Seacrest” which is code for “you’re a gaywad.”

Paula Abdul arrives on the show late because “her plane was delayed.” And by “her plane was delayed”, I mean “she was sleeping off last night’s goofballs.”

Rachael Wicker – She sounded better by miles and miles than most people auditioning this season so far. On to Hollywood, blondie. Congrats.

**Side note on Rachael Wicker: Who the CAPITOL F is Randy to talk about people who sing country “doing this half yodel thing”, when he actually ENCOURAGES the horrific “runs” that we’re assaulted with by contestants every season? Extra notes are extra notes, Randy. Call them what you want,