Midol on AOL TV!

AOL Television posted a blogger prediction round-up today, and yours truly is quoted, along with a sweet link to this here blog. I think they went with my quote because it was the shortest after Mejack's, which advocated grievous bodily harm. I really thought the puppy kicking and porn references would get cut, though, but I'm glad they didn't. Check it out!

Predictions

Question:
So who do you ladies' think is going to win this thing?

Jess says:
I think the Davids will make up the final two, and my money's on creepy David Archuleta to win the whole thing. What? He's creepy. Don't front. You know he is -- you just don't want to say it out loud because he's sunshine and rainbows and puppies and if you say it, it's like you're kicking a puppy. Luckily, I kick puppies all the time so I'm fine with it. In fact, I'm kicking one right now. The judges have been ramming Archuleta down our throats like Harry Reems to Linda Lovelace all season. Why? I don't know. Is he more marketable than smarmy David Cook? I don't think so. Is he more talented than Syesha Mercado? Again, I don't think so. Are 12-year-old girls the only demographic record labels care about these days? Maybe. Can we have Jason Castro back? Please?

Curly McDimple says:
In seasons past, I've had super strong feelings about my desired American Idol. For example, the fact that I didn't douse myself with gasoline and strike a match when Taylor "The Tard" Hicks beat my beloved Tits McPhee is nothing short of a miracle.

During Season Two, I damn near gave myself calluses voting for the otherwise unremarkable… uh…. What's his face? Big fat guy with limited breathing ability and high blood pressure? Ruben Studdard! Yeah, that's it! Sure, he had a decent set of pipes but that's not why he got my vote. It was my utter contempt for Clay Aiken that made me incur a ridiculous amount of texting fees on my AT&T bill in support of Sir Wheezes-a-Lot.

Sadly, this season, I have no fire in mah belly nor a deep, abiding hatred of anyone. Sure, I think David Cook is an arrangement-pilfering douche with an unhealthy relationship with a straightening iron. And perhaps I believe that Syesha Mercado's greatest post-Idol achievement will be landing the role of Patty Simcox's swing in a production of Grease in Branson, MO. And maybe, just maybe, I firmly believe with all of my heart that wee David Archuleta is going to snap one day and take a knitting needle or a pair of scissors to Jeff Archuleta's voice box after he pooh-poohed David's reworking of "Every Heartbeat" from Amy Grant's cross-over album, Heart In Motion. She's such a polarizing trollop, that Amy Grant.

Not that I've given this all that much thought, you see…

But, honestly, I don't have much of an interest in who is going to win this year. It's anyone's game, really. And by anyone, I mean Davids Archuleta and Cook. Sorry, Syesha, you're toast this week. Between the Davids, I really couldn't give two shits, but, if I had my druthers, I'd say that wee David Archuleta's shrieking fan base will give him the edge. I also predict that Jeff Archuleta should secure all sharp objects within reach and sleep with one eye open.

Lizz says:
I'm going with smarm-boat David Cook for the win, if only because I truly believe David Archuleta's pop isn't going to let him perform in the finals--you know he's going to get in a flying rage and go all Daddy Dearest on us in the last episode, when he'll insist on taking the stage and singing those songs himself because poor little David can't be trusted not to screw up their, er, his dreams of winning it all and succeeding in the music biz, yes, that's right, David's dreams.

Maybe if David A is lucky his dad will let him work the spotlight during the final number...no wait, on second thought, I don't think he can be trusted to do that either, better let dad take care of it.

Mejack says:
All I would say is that I want to set Syesha on fire.

Premiere Night Liveblogging

7:46: Salsa and chips in bowl. Drinks poured. Mejack and Jess in attendance, waiting.

7:48: Curly buzzed in.

7:59: Pizza ordered.

8:01: Mejack: I read in the Post that it's even meaner this year. Curly: What? Meaner than making fun of retarded people?

8:02: We're in Philly!

8:05: Joey Catalano. Like Jordan Catalano. But not really. Underwhelming.

8:13: The room collectively calls bullshit on Yuka, the wannabe Borat who claims to be from Egypt.

8:20: Tour guide James Lewis. Deaf Lurch. Also, why is Paula Abdul wearing a white bra under a sheer black shirt?

8:28: Mejack on Jonathan Baines: Oh, look! It's Timothy McVeigh!

8:30: Jess: I want to see Temptress Brown tackle Ryan Seacrest. Mejack: Ryan still plays for pee-wee.

8:33: Okay, seriously? (This is Jess) Why do they give us a backstory just to have the person suck? Poor Temptress Brown. It's so mean! Meaner than Simon, even.

8:50: Curly on Udi: Oh please, don't let him be from New Jersey.

8:52: Collective laughs over the awesome blond girl screaming, "I Love Rock 'n' Roll"

9:00: Alexis Cohen. Mejack: This is making my tooth hurt. (Also, she woke up the cat.)

9:01: Randy Jackson says 'Peace, Love and Chicken Grease.' No comment necessary.

9:03: Mejack: "Wiggle Ammonia?" What does that mean? I (Jess) immediately started laughing, and then crying, and then hyperventilating. Curly: She said "legally moon you."

9:13: Mr. Mejack arrives. Eats pizza.

9:16: Curly, on Christina Tolisano, the wackjob with the Princess Leia hair: She looks like the chick from Dodgeball.



9:26: Jess: I LOVE Paula's eye makeup. Any makeup artists out there that could help me with that?

9:39: An IM conversation with Melissa regarding Paul Marturano, the stalker:

Melissa: Holy shit that guy made me shit on myself.

Jess: Which one? Oh, we're behind. We paused the DVR.

Melissa: Oh. Sorry - you'll see him. He's the dude that sings TO PAULA. Uber creepy. Creepy McCreeperson.

Jess: With the cape?

Melissa: No - shortly after him. Seriously - like somebody should have called security...

Jess: OHMYGOD

Melissa: Yeah. Him. Seriously.

Jess: Peterfalkher!

Melissa: THAT WAS THE BEST PART

9:51: Chris Watson, the hot black guy with the dreads? OMG. I want to eat fresh fruit off of his chest. Or at least, I did, until I came to the unfortunate conclusion that he's going to be this season's camera fucker. (This is Jess, BTW)

Parting thoughts:

Mejack: None

Curly: Bring back the retards.

Jess: DUH.

In hindsight, we don't love liveblogging. So we're not gonna do it anymore, or at least not until we forget how much we didn't like it in the first place.

We're Back, Bitches

So you know how we said we were going to post on the off-season? Well, that was stupid of us, and we aren't going to promise that anymore. What we are going to do, when this season ends and we sober up and restore our faith in humanity, is have a sign-up form which will enable us to notify you when we're starting the countdown for the next season. And then the show will probably get cancelled.

It's countdown time, angels! 32 days! We're going to try to post every day from now until then, and once the show gets started, well, there'll be no stopping us!

Before I get into the news, I have a very important announcement. Those of you who are regular Midol readers may be familiar with commenter Melissa McGee, she of the hilarious commentary. I believe she coined the term "old man mouth" as it relates to Blake Lewis. Anyway, we're delighted to announce she'll be joining our esteemed ranks this season! And also, Mejack, Curly and I will be live-blogging the premiere from the Official Idol Premiere Headquarters®, AKA Mejack's new apartment.

And without further ado, here's the first of many news roundups:

Britney's Banned
New season, new show formula. In the show's seventh season (Which Nigel Lythgoe claims has the best singers yet. Yawn.), contestants will be allowed to play instruments on stage, which means this season's Chris Daughtry will be even more annoying. Also, there will be fewer celebrities this year, which means less bitchy fun for us. Also, NO BRITNEY SPEARS. EVER.

Football, Now With More Jordin!
Jordin Sparks has been tapped (not by Curly, unfortunately for Curly) to sing the Star Spangled Banner at Superbowl XLII. Also, until I read that article, I completely forgot that Jordin won last year. That either shows how not-memorable the show's sixth season was, or how much pot I smoked in my youth.

Idol Cast-offs to Appear on Bones
Season 6 camera bangers Brandon Rogers and Ace Young will be guest starring on a not-yet-announced episode of Bones. In other news, Bones is still on. Who knew?

America Still Under the Daughtry Spell
Those rock-groupies-turned-soccer-moms sure have a lot of buying power. Billboard has named his boring, formulaic, depressing album the best seller of 2007. America, please, put down the punch. There is much better music available to you.

Clay Aiken on Broadway
In what's possibly the most bizarre news ever, Sir Clay has signed on to play Sir Robin in Spamalot from January 18 through May 4, 2008. And I am too flummoxed to even make a joke about it right now.

Top Nine or Something.

In my life I have had no choice but to love Tony Bennett. Not only was he a nice Italian boy from Queens but in the minds of my elders (my Brooklyn Italian grandmother and her sixteen thousand sisters) he is regarded nearly as highly as Sinatra- who, in their minds, ranked second only to The Pope in terms of reverence and devotion. I grew up listening to Tony Bennett as well as many of the masters of American standards. I am not ashamed to admit that I absolutely love this type of music. I listen to the 40's station on XM radio ad nauseum and I proudly list Judy Garland and Ethel Merman among my friends on myspace. Needless to say, I was looking forward to seeing "Ant'ny"(as Grandma used to call him. She called them all by their full names. Francis Sinatra. You get it) I was, however, nervous to see how this group of clowns did with these songs- and after watching I can see that my fears were fully justified. Seriously I am so not into this seasons contestants. Not at all. So here it is.

Blake: Now, Mack The Knife is one of my all time favorite songs. Ever. I think it was pretty bold of Blake to choose this song as it has been covered by every one of the greats. I think he did alright but I was honestly disappointed that he did not do any kind of beatboxing because it would have been interesting to see how it played out. All in all he was alright and I don't see him leaving anytime soon. Oh- and Blake -Ducky Dale just called to challenge you to a plaid pants-off. Seriously. Find some new threads Daddy-o.

Phil: Dude. A goatee. Headband. Earmuffs. ANYTHING. Something to break the monotony of that shiny ball of flesh that is perched atop your neck.

Melinda: Super. Great. She wins. We know.

Chris: I still say that his whole thing is trying (operative word trying) to bite Justin Timberlake...even down to the hat...but he did alright last night. I actually surprised myself by mustering a bit of affection for the lad- then I stabbed myself in the arm with nail scissors.

Jordin: I hate that song. I don't know if she did it well or not because I can't stand that song. I am sure she did fine though.

Gina: While watching her all I could think of was a line from Chris Rock's "No Sex In The Champagne Room" where he said where he said: "If a girl has a pierced tongue - she'll probably suck your dick". I usually don't think of that when I see a tongue ring- as many of my peepys have them, but between the tongue ring and her nearly flashing her hooha on national television in front of millions, I am worried about the example being set for the youth of our nation. That, people, is why I think she should be voted off. It has nothing to do with that I fucking hate her and think she sounds like an 8th grader singing at a junior high talent show. It is for the welfare of our children that I implore America to vote that cunt off the show. Thank you.

Sanjaya: pass

Haley: I can't think of anything to say except that in my lifetime, I hope to never again see mint green sequins.

Lakisha: I echo Jess' sentiment that I hope she mixes it up soon. She is undoubtedly a very, very good singer but it is starting to seem monotonous.

Predictions: Bottom three- Phil, Haley and Chris. Going bye-bye? I think Haley's time has come.

mejack OUT!

Give Me Time and I Can Rhyme

Haley
Haley's performance draws a total blank
All I recall is that she looked like a skank
She need to get through this week so she can go on tour
I guess she figured the best way was to dress like a whore

Chris R.
If I were him I would run and hide
Or maybe even commit suicide
and never again sing another tune
after being dissed by Peter fucking Noone

Stephanie
She's got a good voice but she is a bit of a drag
for such a young chick she is like an old hag
I dont hate her really- I''m just not a big fan
I usually skip her songs and visit the can

Blake
If I have to sit through more beatbox from this guy
I'd just as well shove a sharp stick in my eye
Last night's performance pretty much stunk
he did not bring the noise, he did not bring the funk

Lakisha
Lakisha, you know I already love you a lot
but last night, Goddamn, you looked really hot
Beautiful dress and about rocks you did sing
and I call them "rocks" because I refuse to say "bling"

Phil
During Tobacco Road sang by the goblin Phil
myself- is who I wanted to kill
the way I see it- if I was dead
I'd never again see that screeching bald head

Jordin
I cannot come up with one single snark
Toward the lovely and elegant Miss Jordin Spark(s)
I know toward Jordin I can't be too surly
Otherwise I will suffer the wrath of Curly

Sanjaya
Can someone tell me why he has not yet been booted?
He is so unbearable that my TV gets muted.
I can't believe so many people vote for this guy
It's like this entire country is high

Gina
(to the tune of Paint It Black)
I hate your haircut and I think your singing's wack
Anyone who liked that must be smoking crack
Let's finally rid ourselves of this poser Ms. Glock
She is not a bad ass and she so does not rock

Chris S.
I don't know what happened- he just really blows
every word he sings comes right out of his nose
I don't mean to offend, I don't mean to be crass
but I have heard better noises come out of my ass

Melinda
I have to agree- not her personal best
yet she remains leagues above the rest
nothing bad can ever be said about Ms. Dolittle
I am not even bothered by the huge spray of spittle

A Timely Recap

Jess? I am with you. 100%. I felt very bad for Sanjaya at first but enough is enough.

Ok. I watched the show on a delay last night so I was able to fast forward through some particularly painful moments. I am not going to go into a lengthy recap as my associates have already done a bang up job and -well- it's really because one of my crowns (tooth, not royal accoutrement but draw your own conclusion) fell out and I am cranky and tired from all this unemployment.

So here it is.

Brandon: Again- did he even sing last night?

Melinda: I sent a text to Jess that said "If she does not win I am joining al queda" I think that about sums it up. I got all teary and misty over her.

(Note to over patriotic lunatics that will take that literally- I AM NOT really going to join al queda- nor do I in any way condone their practices. Thank you and God Bless America)

Chris: I can't believe that that was the same guy who said he wanted to watch David Hasselhoff cry. He back talked Simon ONCE and now he has been reduced to a Michael Boltonesque Lite FM whiner who just wants to be loved. I also echo Simon when I say LEAVE YOUR GLASSES ON DUDE.

Gina: Remember that line in the 1988 masterpiece film "Working Girl"? Joan Cusack's character said- "Sometimes I sing and dance around the house in my underwear. Doesn't make me Madonna. Never will. " Take heed of that, Glockenspiel. Your chokers and rebel haircut don't make you Joan Jett and they never will. Hell, they don't even make you Joan Cusack. Go home already.

Sanjaya: I fast forwarded through his performance. I can't take it anymore. He had to be wearing curlers at some point for last night's monstrosity. All I can say is that his different hairdos remind me of when me and my neighbor friend Kelly used to do experimental hairstyles on her little brother.

Haley: I did not hate Haley last night. That is the best I can muster.


Phil: I finally figured it out. He's Gollum. If he starts calling himself Smeagol in the first person and calling winning idol "The Precious" don't say I didn't warn you you.

LaKisha: Kiki. I don't know what else to say. The piece of hair in her eyes bugged me bit otherwise she was phenomenal.

Blake: You know, he has douchey tendencies but I have to give him credit for his effort. I agree that his vocals were not stellar but I think he did a lot better and should not listen to what Simon says. (Ha! See what I did there? "Simon says"? Genius.)

Stephanie: Not sure. I think I dozed off while she was singing.

Chris: I DON'T GET IT. He is like a badly out of tune Justin Timberlake who is most definitely NOT bringing sexy back. I don't think he even he had it to begin with. Seriously.

Jordin: I am not all a-swoon the way the judges were. I liked it for the most part- but I am afraid she is teetering into McPhee territory...but she is young and hopefully she will learn that the path of the righteous does lead to becoming a mewling self-absorbed skank.

Predictions?
Bottom three: Stephanie, Gina, Brandon
Going Home: Brandon

Should be going home? Sanjaya. No offense kid, but it's time.

Big Waste of Time

You know, I dutifully watch the boys perform week after week - and I am so bored and disappointed by them the whole thing is starting to feel like homework. Last night I literally did not start watching until almost nine so that I could fast forward through most of it- and while I was watching I was actually paying more attention to balancing my checkbook. I am not kidding.

I have nothing to say about any of them except that a few times during the show I wished that I was deaf. I did not vote for anyone. Not even Sanjaya. Can someone please tell me why he ironed his head?

Prediction?

I don't fucking care. Seriously. I'll take a guess and say that it will be Jared and Sanjaya. But again. I don't care at all.

And the chicks.

Jordin, Stephanie and Sabrina: Fine, swell whatever. Good job. Super. YO.

Gina: I still fucking HATE Gina. Enough with this shit already. She is not a rocker. She is not edgy. Someone needs to tell her that there is nothing LESS punk rock than being on American Idol. I am way more badass than her, and I am a goddamn accountant.

Haley: Thanks, Bye.

Lakisha: Awesome. As usual.

Melinda: Anyone who does not love this woman needs to be institutionalized. Period.

Predictions: Haley and Gina Glockenspiel


That's all for now. I am hoping that next week will bring me out of my funk. I am not feeling much for anyone besides Melinda Smalls.

Smack Talking Simon

Simon Trashes Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Hicks

Dude. I am like a gumshoe supersleuth when it comes to picking up these nuances in People Magazine articles.

It is interesting to note that all of the former contestants he names as "standouts from the beginning" only include those that have either made a return appearance on the show or have credited American Idol for jump starting their career.

Simon also pointed out how Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Hicks would be basically nothing without him the show. Homeboy even went as far to say that Kelly Clarkson was not a strong contender until mid-season. (You know Jess is going to have to cut a bitch after she hears that one.) It is amazingly coincidental that these particular former contestants are those who have not paid much mind to Idol since their departure. OR IS IT?

Simon, I do wish you would remove this cloak of bitterness and resume wearing your smoky charcoal V-necks.

Photo: answers.com

The Terrorists Are Winning

I am ashamed of my country today.

How Captain Smarm stayed on the show and AJ was voted off is just reprehensible, America. Shame on you. I did not expect AJ to win but I thought he would go farther than this.

I can't watch the elimination shows. Seriously. I need like some xanax or something.
Tonight I got 3 out of 4 eliminations correct but I don't feel good about it. Not one bit. I should just stop watching the eliminations and have someone tell me the results when it's over.

Oh yeah- and SPIDER FUCKING SUSHI was not all all contrived. NOT AT ALL. Duh.

update: Holy Shit- I just realized that I did not, in fact get 3 out of 4- I got 2 out of 4. I confused Alaina with Haley. They are the girls that suck heartily and Haley is gone next week so it really doesn't matter. Oh, and Jess- I gave Sanjaya two sympathy votes but I sent many, many votes for AJ. So you can bite me.

Numb

Not feeling it, people Not feeling any of it.

The boys bored me. Seriously. I forgot most of it already.

Phil:I loathe that "Missing You" song and I am still really mad at him for missing the birth of his daughter. I guess he did ok though. I say that begrudgingly.

Jared: That whole thing made me want to throw up. Note to Captain Smarmy -you can't pull of the sexy if you are wearing white sneakers and tube socks. It's like a law or something. I like Ace Young more than I like Jared. And I hate Ace.

A.J: I love A.J. I voted for A.J many times.

Sanjaya: I still love Sanjaya but I will say that it was not his best. I hate how the judges are so hard on him. It's like kicking a puppy.

Chris S: He did pretty well. He knows he ate a bug last week when he said that shit to Simon about the teletubbies so I suspect that Operation Kiss Ass is well underway.

Nick: Nice blazer. I think he had a date to do someone's taxes after the show. I have no recollection whatsoever of what he sang.

Blake: Eh. I think it was great that he tried that Jamiroquai song but he did not pull it off 100%. I am not sure how I feel about this guy- I can totally see myself hating him pretty soon. I've detected some hints of douchebaggery.

Brandon: Did he even sing last night?

Chris R: He did the same song as he did last week.

Sundance: He seemed less of a shrieking red-faced tone deaf girl last night and did a little better. I like Sundance but he hasn't really won me over with his singing yet.

Thanks for the memories, or lack thereof, boys.

Predictions? Fare the well Nick and Jared.


The chicks. Slightly better but again- yawnsville

Gina: I fucking hate Gina. I have no reasonable or valid argument for this. I just hate her.

Alaina: Welcome to Screech City, population: you.

Lakisha: Wonderful. I have to say I am with Simon regarding her choice in outfit- but she was awesome. I love her.

Melinda: While Melinda was on Jess sent me a text that said " I heart Melinda". I think that pretty much sums it up. She is spectacular. As mentioned, she is my husband, Layne's, favorite- but he can't remember her name. He keeps calling her Smalls. Apparently, he could not retain Doolittle but somehow his brain remembered the "little" part- or at least the concept of little- which is, I am assuming, how he came up with Smalls. I have since corrected him but he has decided she should be called Smalls. So there it is.


Antonella: For the second time in a week week she is trying to convince people that she isn't sucking. She's failing on both fronts. I am feeling a little bit of loyalty toward Antonella though. I recently found out that she goes to the very same college where I was kicked out after sophomore year. Believe you me when I tell you that if digital cameras existed when I was attending college (and I use "attending" loosely) - there would probably be many, many pictures of me on the toilet. I'm just saying.

Jordin: I don't like that song...but I guess she sang it well.

Stephanie: That song, which I had never heard before, sounded like such a mess...but, as I later found out, it was a Beyonce song which are all, in my opinion, gigantic train wrecks. So again, I guess she did ok.

Haley: Oh my God the PAIN. I cringed throughout the entire thing.

Leslie: Why Bangs McLeggings ever thought it was a good idea to try and scat like Nina Simone (and she did it EXACTLY like Nina Simone. No originality at all) is beyond my realm of comprehension.

Sabrina: She's a good singer but I was bored. I can't even be bothered trying to come up with something snarky.

Prediction: Haley and Leslie

girls rule

Before I get into it I have something to say to the American Idol Establishment.

ENOUGH ALREADY with the "my parents are finally proud of me" sob story. It has been DONE AND DONE AND DONE. I am OVER IT.

Thank you.

So tonight. I think it suffices to say that the girls kicked the boys squarely in the nads. IN THE NADS.


Stephanie: Started off with the weepy parents-being-proud thing which made me not want to like her but she was really very good. I am wondering if she broke her knee caps after all was said and done.


Amy : My husband said "She is wearing my grandmother's drapes" Simon said she was forgettable. And he was right. I don't remember what she sang.

Leslie: That crazy bitch scares me and her outfit was like a equestrian jumper/streetwalker hooker boots science experiment gone awry. Her dancing was weird and herky jerky. It looked like she was doing the monster mash.


Sabrina: Well done.

Antonella: Ouch. Why WHY WHY WHY did she pick that stupid Aerosmith song? That was just rough all around and the judges were brutal. I got kind of mad actually, because, as I mentioned, she does look like my cousin Carmella and I felt like they were messing with Mi Cugina.

Jordan Sparks: Way to go. Spicing up a Tracy Chapman song is like spicing up wonderbread. Stellar effort.

Nicole: What the HELL WAS THAT? My husband remarked "Look, her dad is dancing. He must have written this song". Exactly. That was painful.

Haley: Sigh. I HATE THAT SONG. This chicken lists CELINE DION as her "American Idol" on her official profile.

CELINE IS AN EVIL CANADIAN CHEST BEATING ALIEN THAT MARRIED AN EIGHTY YEAR OLD MIND CONTROLLING SVENGALI.

That, people, is NOT someone to idolize. Unless, of course, Svengali Rene's evil mind control plan is working.

Melinda: I just adore this woman. I absolutely love her. My husband declared she was his favorite and he hates everyone.


Alaina: DON'T FUCKING SING THE PRETENDERS. Just don't. No one can touch Chrissie Hynde and trying to cover one of her songs is setting yourself up for a failure of massive proportions. Simon told Alaina that she has to depend on her looks. I think his weiner was angry.

Gina: You know, she sang pretty well but I want to punch her in her smug fucking face. I don't like her at all. Maybe I will eventually change my mind about her but as of right now I think my husband summed it up nicely- he said "I would not swerve if she jumped in front of my car" Yeah.

Lakisha: You rock on with your bad self, mama. Lakisha is up in the hizzy and goddamn she turned this mother out.

Predictions?

Nicole and Amy. OUT!

mejack recap

Not really impressed yet. At all. Some thoughts on last night's performances:




Rudy: Dude. Free Ride? Really? You can see that this guy made a stellar effort but all that song did for me was make me want to look for my copy of "Dazed and Confused" to watch after the show was over.

Brandon: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TRYING TO SEX UP THE CAMERA. This guy has a foxy Lenny Kravitz/D'Angelo thing going on but he is NOT going to gain my affections by making fuck me eyes at the camera. All I could think about was all the people who watch this show- like mothers and grandmothers- and that he was, for all intents and purposes, making sexy eyes at my mom. GROSS.

Sundance: Now this guy was an early favorite of mine but he has pretty much sucked since his first audition. Last night was no exception. I felt bad for him. If he makes it through he has to seriously kick some ass.

Paul Kim: Ok. first of all don't come out and say "Come On Y'all!" to the audience like you are going to sing some great crowd pleasing anthem and then break out "Careless Whisper". Just don't. Boooooooo.

Chris Richardson: I'm not seeing the appeal. He reminds me of my lab partner from high school. He seems like a very nice guy but he is awfully vanilla. I guess his performance was ok but I agree with Simon that his voice was not big enough.

Nick: Big smarmy, sissypants. Ew.

Blake: Right now he is my favorite. Go Blake. I will say however, that I don't think he gave as great a performance as the judges said- but then again everyone pretty much blew ass so I guess his was good in comparison.

Sanjaya: I felt bad for this kid. The judges were way harsh. He has such a nice face I got upset when they were so mean to him. I did not think his song was that much worse than the others. I voted for him.

Chris Sligh: Probably NOT the best idea to rip on Simon (and make him UNCOMFORTABLE) but still- this guy is hilarious. His song was ok. I still can't help but think of Jack Osbourne when I see him.

(Sidenote- Simon can dish it out but TOTALLY can't take it. HA. Don't worry Simon, you are still my homeslice)

Jared: Blah. Lite FM

AJ: I loved AJ. I honestly think he was the best.

Phil: I don't know what it is about this guy that freaks me out. His voice is pretty good but he has those weird bug eyes. I also think it's pretty sad that he chose to stay at the auditions while his wife was in labor. I have to say that if my husband missed the birth of our baby because he was trying out for American Idol he would never make it to Hollywood because he would be DEAD.


All in all, I am not really loving any of these guys. No one totally nailed any of their songs. I would say AJ came the closest but then again what do I know.

predictions: Rudy, Paul OUT

Katharine McPhee Has Really Scary Boobs

I think the title says it all.

Photo: Us Online

Hollywood is New Jersey with Celebrities

NYC Represent!!

First of all, the NYC auditions happened at Chelsea Piers -- which I CAN SEE FROM MY OFFICE WINDOW!!! How did I not know that this was happening?? I could have had an EXCLUSIVE of the auditions after I went and gawked at everyone and ran back to my PC at work and wrote a bit of a draft then leftit there for hours while I frantically IM'd Jess and Curly in ALL CAPITALS to emphasize (and probably exaggerate if not out and out lie about) what I just saw. Then I would have stayed late at work to finish my masterpiece of a post and it would probably have turned out to a run-on grammatical calamity as they all are (I am, after all an ACCOUNTANT) -- and then I would have gone home squawking about the injustices of working late. Or something. But I digress.

So NYC auditions. The extra judge -- Carol something or other. I seem to remember Ryan SeaQuest rambling on about her resume -- I think she wrote some songs and stuff and she knew Dionne Warwick or something but I was too transfixed by her Alexis Carrington hairdo to remember what he said.

The trouble with trying to recap the auditions is that there are so many people to talk about. I suppose I can't get through this without mentioning that MORON Ian Benardo who actually was on the local news following the show as well as on the cover of the fricken NY Post. There is NO WAY this guy was for real. The whole "Gloria" thing? Yeah, Pawl Bawldwin called and wants his accent back but Thanks For Playing! I did, however, find it uproariously funny when he demanded to see Simon's working visa and that he called Hollywood "New Jersey with celebrities." But again, NO WAY this is for real. Gawker has splendid coverage of it here.

Now, call me callous, but I wanted to smack of the girl who lied to her parents and went to NYC to audition and was sobbing about how she j-j-just wanted her d-d-daddy to be pr-pr-proud of her. Boo hoo. Of course she makes it to Hollywood and she calls her dad -- with SeaQuest in tow -- and everything is just GROOVY and the dad says -- on speakerphone -- how proud he is and then the girl hugs SeaQuest and all is right with the world again. Right. If I EVER did that -- if I made the show or not -- I would have never even got to Hollywood because my dad would have KICKED THE CRAP out of me and would have probably beat up SeaQuest too.

Aside from that, the rest of the show was a blur. I did enjoy the crazy bitch, Sarah Goldberg, who thought she was a perfect choice as the next American Idol because she COULD NOT sing. Outstanding. She went on this maniacal rant at how the judges were rude for being judgmental of her singing. As if they were judges in a singing competition. Oh wait.

There was also the equally outstanding Isadora "Don't Call Me Julie" crazy palm reader at the end who said she sounded like Janis. AND Led Zeppelin -- who she seemed to think was a Person. That Led Zeppelin guy. Right.

There's more. There was the balls out chick from Queens who likened herself to Rocky, the Jersey Shore twits (who reminded me way too much of my cousin Carmella) who were definitely judged by Simon's weiner, the drama mama Ashanti who had a nervous breakdown in front of millions of viewers, and the fucking excellent Rachel Zevits. I love that she sang a Jeff Buckley song. I loved how she appeared to be some lunatic cracked out tweaker but instead ended up being ENORMOUSLY talented. So far, she is my favorite. It's still early though.

Memphis Shmemphis

Like Curly said, I found last night's American Idol to be... lackluster... lukewarm, if you will. I wonder if they went and frantically re-edited this week's auditions so they don't appear as cruel as they did last week. Think about it. Simon said "sweetheart" -- but not in a "it's just my weiner talking" kind of way -- at an alarming rate. Paula was also unusually coherent. Randy has gone from Mean Randy Guy to "GOOD LOOKIN OUT PROVE THE DAWG WRONG" Randy Guy that we are used to. There was also the montage of hearing the judges snarky remarks but not seeing to whom they were directed. Interesting. I did rather enjoy the "Amaya. A Mayor? Amaya. A Mayor?" exchange between Simon and Timika Sims, who was that chick with the demonic freaky deaky eyes who talked like Farmer Fran from The Waterboy.

My favorite from last night's show was Sundance Head. YOU GO SUNDANCE HEAD!

In other news, Katherine McPhee hates on American Idol and name drops "Tom and Katie" like they are her BFFs Seriously. I wish this biotch would shut her damn piehole already. She should be bowing down and THANKING American Idol for catapulting her skanky ass into the spotlight. No one would GIVE A SHIT about her if she was not on the damn show.

Hello Pot? This is Kettle.

Now you have gone and done it, Simon. Rosie is pissed.

So before I get into it- Yes, I know the sole purpose of this thing is to make fun of everyone on that show. I do think, however, that there is a fine line between good natured fun and outright cruelty. I think that line was crossed over and over last night. I mean, it's one thing to show brief clips of bad singers- that's funny. Showing a backstory that just set up someone's embarrassing downfall? Not so much. I agree with Jess on the whole ringer thing- I think a lot of that was rigged- but what was the point of humiliating the one chick who cried about her kid and her husband? All that did was make me hate the show a little bit and consider watching the "Friday Night Lights" rerun instead.

Onwards.

So I got all swoony over Tommy Daniels. I think he is going to go really far. I would say that he could be my boyfriend but I would not want to say something so early in the season that could possibly bite me in the ass later on. (Like how last February Jess said she wanted to be in an Ace Young/Chris Daughtry sandwich. I am sure she regrets that. I keep bringing it up to make sure.)

I thought the beat box guy was great. I also liked the guy who sang "Faithfully" - but I suspect he will piss me off Ace Young style before long. Who was really great was the 16 year old girl at the end who, apparently, already has a wikipedia page. It was so ridiculous how you heard Simon murmuring how she was one of the best singers while she was performing and when she finished he squawked "UNoriginal NOT unique...bla bla bla" Did she did not appeal to Simon's weiner? The ones who DID appeal to Simon's weiner got sent through with a winky wink. This chick did not get a winky wink. Simon agreed to send her through after he found out her dad was in the NFL. As I suspected all along, Simon is a big sissypants.

The most cringe-worthy moment of the night for me was when that freako who went by "Carlene" busted into that demented bunny-hop when she started singng Baby Got Back. I actually changed the channel. I also cringed when the Really Tall Chick stood next to Ryan Seacrest. The editors of that show seem hell bent on proving that Seacrest is, in fact, short.

Randy- WTF DAWG? You are not the mean one. Simon is the mean one. You are the "yo dawg I am not feeling you bro" guy. Stop being mean. It makes me feel icky.

In conclusion, I did learn two very important things last night:

1. Hot pink stirrup arm tights are ALWAYS a good idea.

2. If you give yourself the moniker "The Hotness" then perhaps others will follow suit.

6 Things I Learned From The American Idol Premiere

1. It might not be a good idea to have Burt Lahr as your Muse. Gutteral lion showtunes does not an idol make.

2. Simon and Randy make a lot of decisions based on their Weiners.

3. I know all the words to Prince's song "Kiss". In fact, EVERYONE knows the words to that song except for that weird girl wearing the tie. I was so embarrassed for her I was actually prompting her. Through the TV.

4. Don't sing a Jewel song to Jewel. Just don't. If you don't understand why you should not do that, you should probably just go and kill yourself.

(Incidentally,Sheila and I shouting "SNAGGLETOOTH" in unison was one of my favorite moments of the evening.)

5. Crack babies can sing good, yo. Word.

6. The old "using the wrong door" bit never gets old.

A Poem

My husband wrote this for us:

Just as I was begining to recover,
Another Idol marathon begins anew.
Hoping it won't be so sad to discover,
this year I still have nothing better to do.

I lay awake scared, of new stupid Picklers,
of retarded Yamins, of Soul Patrol Hicks,
of Paris & 9 yr old teddy bear ticklers,
of guys named Ace & their love of their dicks,

Of Katharine McPhees and her shit eating grin,
plastered up everywhere like we somehow cared
what skin cream she wore. So please if you win,
please, please don't tell us, we know how you fared.

And please don't sell yourself out for every magizine stunt,
or dive for every nickel, like that awful, awful Katharine McCunt.

Curly has nominated him as Poet Laureate of American Midol. I second.

MACE ACE IN THE FACE!!

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Ace was on the news for like 30 seconds and he still managed to completely piss me off.

Kevin Covais was playing "correspondent" for the local news and he was interviewing a few of the finalists. Bucky (*sigh*) was there and so was Paris and dumb Pickler. Whatever. Kevin went over to Ace and called him a babe-magnet and Ace the fucktard said:

"It's amazing. It's kind of like being in the Beatles. I leave the house not knowing if I am going to come home with all my clothes on."

Ace is like a Beatle. That's like me saying that my blog is like Tolstoy.

Jess, Curly -- stock up on tomatoes and stockpile any other thing that we can throw at the Lord of the Dumbasses. The self-proclaimed Ace The Face. AARRGGHH.

Paris Bennett Is Famous

She has to be. She made it onto The Almighty Fug.

Good for you Paris Bennett.

McBinge or 'American Idol' Cures Eating Disorders

I suppose coming out with a deep, dark, tragic secret once the public has (for the most part) forgotten about you is NOT AT ALL a completely obvious way to get back in the spotlight.

Either that, or she is taking a stab at the Nicole Ritchie/Mary Kate Olsen method of gaining publicity...the only difference being their giant heads are literal while hers is only metaphorical.

You be the judge.

Siz-oulizzle Patrolizzle

Taylor Hicks and SNOOP-A-LOOP!

So I Think We Can Dance

Ladies, I ordered this from amazon. I will be having a freestyle dance-off at my place. Attendance is mandatory.

Yee Ha! oops I mean BLAP! DING! UH! AND UH!

10:05 PM EST

SOUL MOTHERFUCKING PATROL BITCHES!!

8:46 PM EST

I can't think of anything worse than Katharine McPhee and Meatloaf singing together. If there is such a thing as Hell, then that was it.

Addendum: Kevin Covais singing "What's New Pussycat" must be ONE of the circles of Hell.

The End is Nigh

This is funny.

Once in awhile McPuke shows a glimmer of humility. Last night I could see how nervous she was and how hard she was trying to do well. I felt a twingle of affection for her. A twinge. My twinge was quickly snuffed out when she again appealed to her McFans and then the KAT PACK.

Did anyone see how Ryan Seacrest totally blew off Chris Daughtry? Ha. That mad