An Episode Recap, News and Lame Excuses

Okay, so that whole posting my Tuesday night episode recap on Wednesday never quite materialized. Being bitter about being single on Valentine's Day takes up a lot of time and energy so lay off and show some compassion, scavengers.

Here's your mish-mash of tardy recaps and headlines...

Tuesday
How is it that the tedious auditions were stretched thin over two hours on several occasions yet the delicious drama-inducing Hollywood Round was crammed into a measly 60 minutes?! I usually welcome the bickering, the verbal slapfests, the backbiting, the fucked up lyrics, etc. from the Group Round but that footage was carved up beyond recognition. Idol producers, you are testing my already-thin patience.

The Matt Sato storyline was rather awkward, what with all the calls to Mommie Dearest back home and his inability to find a group to sing with. I really thought he'd make it through with all the camera time. Alas, he was sent packing back to his emotionally bankrupt mother. Poor Matt. On the bright side, I was happy to see that he no longer had shit all over his nose like he did during his initial audition. Get a hold of some Retin-A, did ya, Matt?

Amanda Coluccio actually made me laugh by boldly proclaiming, "I'm going to shit my pants!" during a commercial bumper. But do you know what made me laugh even harder? When she got cut. Heeeeee-larious!

The rendition of "How Deep Is Your Love?" by Chris Sligh, Rudy Cardenas, Thomas Lowe and Blake Lewis was awesome. For once, I didn't bark "Oh, sit down!" when Paula gave a standing ovation. I was in agreement with Paula. Oh, good heavens. The chances of that happening again? About as likely as Paula passing a pee test with flying colors.

Nicole Turner was the final contestant of the day. Her mother got all Mama Rose on her and strong-armed her into singing a song that was so crappy, I can't even identify it. Needless to say, Nicole fucked it up royally and tried to explain what happened to the judges. Her argument held no water but she was adamant about stating her case. Hell, if my mama was standing behind me with a big ol' cane like that, I'd try to sell it too. I think it's safe to say someone got her ass whupped when she got home.

Wednesday
The Top 24 have been announced! We finally separated the wheat from the chaff, boys and girls. Ew, chaff. I just decided I don't like that word. It just sounds gross. It is hereby banished from my vocabulary. My weird hang-ups are just darling, aren't they though?

Here are the semifinalists:
Men: Chis Sligh, Sanjaya Malakar, Brandon Rogers, Philip Stacy, Blake Lewis, Rudy Cardenas, Paul Kim, A.J. Tabaldo, Nicholas Pedro, Chris Richardson, Jared Cotter and Jason "Sundance" Head.

Women: Melinda Doolittle, Gina Glocksen, Haley Scarnato, Jordin Sparks, Stephanie Edwards, Leslie Hunt, Alaina Alexander, Sabrina Sloan, Lakisha Jones, Nicole Tranquillo, Amy Krebs and Antonella Barba.

I know you don't believe me because I've dicked you around time and time again but the rest of my thoughts on tonight's show are coming later. Pinky promise. I swear on the moon and the stars above. This time I mean it.

Moving on to headlines...

American Idol cast-off, Robyn Troup, makes beautiful music with Justin Timberlake at the Grammys. Um, I'm guessing it was beautiful because I totally didn't watch. (People.com)

Vindication! Seems I'm not the only one who left reeling by the warp-speed Hollywood round. MTV's got my back, yo. Wow, that's sad. (MTV.com)

Playing the ponies is passé. Only pussies can be found at the track. The real high rollers are laying down some serious coin on American Idol. No, seriously. They are. (Gambling911.com)

Was Season 6 Idol reject, Tom Lowe booted for hitting a few bad notes or for baring his buns in a racy spread? Oh man, I just said "buns." If you'll excuse me, I'm off to hang my head in shame... (The Advocate)

Premiere: The Sort-of Recap

Sheila, Mejack and Curly came over last night to drink wine, eat pizza, hummus, pita chips and girl scout cookies, and howl with laughter at the bad contestants. I took notes. Here they are. And is it me, or are the "good" singers so far not all that good?

Mejack on Jessica Rhode (Jewel wannabe, disturbing skirt): She sounds like Pee-Wee Herman.

Jessica Rhode on Jessica Rhode (after being told she would most definitely NOT be going to Hollywood): I'm like waiting for them to come out here and be like 'psyche!'

Jess and Sheila, respectively, on Jesse Holloway (black dude, mumbler):

DisTAAANCE?

It's abusive!

Mejack on Charles Moody: If that doesn't say methamphetamine, I don't know what does. He's a gay, Uncle Sam tweaker.

Sheila on Tashawn Moore (when she "tuned in" to the imaginary sound coming through her imaginary headphones): Sweetie, there's no other sound in the room.

Mejack and Curly, respectively, on Perla Meneses:

Randy, your dick's talking.

She's like Shakira and Charo's love child.

Sheila on Jarrod Fowler (Navy Guy): Hun, I think you're hot and I want your cock, is what's happening.

Sheila and Mejack, respectively, on Michelle Steingas:

I like her.

I don't like her belt.

Mejack on Dayna Dooley (black chick whose boss wants to bang her): Randy's got a boner.

Curly and Sheila, respectively on Matt Sato (little gay boy with unfortunate mole who sang "California Dreamin"):

Uh oh, what's on your nose?

DON'T sex this song up.

Me? I'm not funny so I just take notes. Actually no, I have one:

Jess on Josh Flom (Chris Daughtry wannabe): You're not a rocker, you're a PUSSY.

We counted three "dawgs" from Randy. I guess he's trying to exercise a little restraint this season. Simon? Awesome. Paula? Drunk. Jewel? Wait, Jewel was there? I didn't notice. Also, TVgasm has a full recap. YouTube is letting me down in a big way, though. I want video of the juggler real bad.

UPDATE: Death by Camera has something truly awesome. The rejects' MySpace profiles. Of course, I don't know what Mejack is going to do with her afternoon now, but still. Amazing. Via Gawker.