Top 4: Recap

Four folks left. Three have been number one in votes. Competition is closer than ever. YOU MUST VOTE! This… is… American… Idol.

Randy Jackson bedazzled his hoodie for the show. Paula Abdul came straight from her cameo in the Saturday Night Fever remake and Simon Cowell, well, looks like Simon Cowell. Ryan Seacrest's faux-haux isn't as symmetrical as I'd like.

In the audience tonight:

• Luke Menard, looking adorable and geeky.
• Jamie Lynn-Sigler, looking like one of The Real Housewives of New York City
• Carly Smithson
• Rascal Flatts, who I thought was just one dude for the longest time

It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week. We're treated to a long montage of the history of rock n' roll set to Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Night." Each contestant will sing two songs each, and the judges will critique after each performance, which Ryan explains while making a subtle dig at Paula for last week's drunken faux-pas.

David Cook

First up, "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, which came out in 1982, the year he was born. Imagine if you will a Duran Duran song getting the David Cook treatment. Any song, really. That's exactly what it was. Yawn. Paula was out of her chair dancing like a groupie on Rock of Love the whole time. Randy thought it was just okay, solid but not mad hot. The audience boos him angrily. Paula says that it left her with a big appetite. Get it? Also, ew. Then she said something about watching him grow and flourish when he does the EXACT SAME THING every week. Shut up, Paula. Simon thought it was good, but a little bit copycat. Simon then goes on to say that David didn't do what he's done in previous weeks which was to take the song and make it his own. Actually, that's exactly what he did. In previous weeks, he took someone else's song and PASSED IT OFF as his own. Simon says he'll get through to next week.

His second song was The Who's "Baba O'Riley." Now, I love this song. It's one of my top songs ever. When it started, my first thought was, "Fuck, this is really good." Then it got really bad. Then it got really good. By the time it was over, I didn't know what to think. Randy loved it. Paula wants more of David Cook, preferably with exposed penis. Simon welcomed him back.

Final thoughts: Safe.

Syesha Mercado

First up, "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. I thought she rocked it. It was sexy, fun and she sounded great. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a bad, shrieky version of Tina Turner. I just want to know what kind of arm workout she does.

Her second song was "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. She sang her heart out. I thought it was great. I also never noticed how ginormous her boobs are before tonight. Randy didn't like the arrangement and thought she oversang it. Paula loved it, and welcomed Syesha to her dream, which made her start bawling. Simon loved it, which made Syesha cry some more, and then Paula turned on the waterworks. Then Syesha? Compared her reality show experience to the civil rights movement? Huh?

Final thoughts: Bottom two, but ultimately safe.

Jason Castro

First up, "I Shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley. Which is just so… obvious that I can't even support it. You know his friends back home are sitting around a four-foot bong watching FOX and saying, "Dude! Castro is, like, totally singing Bob Marley! No way! He he! Awesome!" It wasn't very good. Randy thought it was karaoke. Paula wasn't crazy about it. Simon thought it was utterly atrocious, and compared it to a first-round audition massacre. He asked Jason what he was thinking. The answer? "Bob Marley!" (And weed)

For his second song, Jason attempted "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. And lest you think he isn't stoned all the time, he forgot the words and thought it was hilarious. I really wish Jason would let me pick his songs for him. He'd be all, "I want to do some Dylan" and I'd be all, "Splendid! Here's 'Just Like a Woman!' Now go forth and rock!" And he would. Randy said he wasn't in the zone. Paula said it didn't blow her away, but he blows her away, and if given the chance, she'd blow… oh, never mind. Too easy. Simon tells him to pack his suitcase.

Final thoughts: I voted for him several times, because I'm not ready to stop mooning over him. And he's the new Vote for the Worst pick, so he might eek out a win over Syesha, but I think I'll be saying goodbye to my dreadlocked lover.

David Archuleta

First up, "Stand By Me" Ben E. King. It was great. The crowd loved him. The judges loved him. Is there any way the kid isn't going to win the whole thing? I'm thinking no. Also, Ryan always manhandles David like an awkward father who doesn't know how to show love. Although David would probably prefer that to the beast that is Jeff Archuleta, I'm guessing.

For his second song, David sang Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender," causing 12-year-old girls across the country to spontaneously hit puberty like all the potential slayers on the last episode of Buffy, only in this case, it isn't to save the world from evil -- it's so that David Archuleta may oneday spread his seed. If anyone wants to start another LDS polygamist sect, I think we've found a new leader. And people talk about the Obama cult. Randy loved how he was tender and caressed each word. Really. He said that. Gross as hell, right? Paula said it was one of her all-time favorite performances of his. Simon said he crushed the competition.

Final thoughts: Duh.

Recap: Top 12 Results Show

Damn! I went 2 for 4 this week. I'm really sucking this year with my predictions. But, in my defense, I did say that Kady Malloy might make it through at the expense of someone better. However, it was the other forgettable blond that benefited. Kristy Lee... Kady... same difference. Either way, Asia'h Epperson was robbed in a major way. America, you're a bunch of assholes.

Luke Menard's dismissal was neither surprising and way overdue. As for Danny Noriega's gasp-inducing ouster, he was probably a bit too cheeky for his own good. His 'tude was already wearing super thin so I don't think people wanted to deal with two more months of that.

But Danny-lovers should take heart, he'll be on "Ellen" soon enough and that Fat Alfonso Ribeiro won't be long for the competition. But then again, what the hell do I know? My prediction average blows this season. I'd calculate it but, well, I don't know how. Fuck math.

Results: America, Meet Your Top 12

The royal WE built them a new stage and bought them some Beatles songs to butcher. This is American Idol.

Oh Christ. Blake Lewis. The boyfriend and I watched his video on one of those Music On Demand channels. He liked it. I broke up with him. Okay, I didn't, but I thought about it for a second or two. Apparently Blake didn't get the memo about removing one shiny item of clothing before leaving the house. Paula's rocking out in an inexplicable hat. I want to shoot myself.

While we're having a commercial break, did anyone notice how unbelievably unhappy Amanda Overmyer was last night? I thought for sure TMZ would be on it today, but alas. Maybe I'll find something when I do my super sexy news update tomorrow.

Over 36 million votes this week. I like Ryan's suit. The judges are awfully silly this season. I think everyone's dipping into Paula's Kool-Aid.

David Cook is... IN! And Lionel Richie loves him.

David Archuleta is... IN! And he makes people happy. He and Brooke White do a Mormon fist-pump.

Jason Castro is... IN! And he loves me! Okay, I made that up. He hasn't even met me. Yet.

Man, I can't wait until Amanda Overmyer gets voted off and spills why she was so upset in an interview. And if it has "American Midol Blog" in it, even better. for the traffic, not for our souls. We're clearly going to hell.

Brooke White is... IN! I didn't recap last night, but I did love her performance.

Syesha Mercado is... IN! I found her screamy.

Kady Malloy is... OUT! Which means we have to hear that awful song again. Also, she looks pregnant in that dress. I think she should host TRL. Asia'H is inconsolable. Ouch, this hurts. I'm fast-forwarding. Man, Ramiele is a cryer, huh? Danny Noriega is also crying. Buncha fucking pansies on this show.

David Hernandez is... IN! No more stripper poles for him!

Michael Johns is... IN! Duh.

Luke Menard is... OUT! Jess is two for two! I also predicted Kady and Kristy Lee Cook, but I didn't post it.

Paula looks like a glitter demon is trying to eat her brain. And she is shaking it hard for Luke. Totally wants to bang him. I think he should become a soap star. I love how bored Simon looks.

Danny Noriega and Chikezie Eze left. Who's going home? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Ramiele Malubay is... IN!

Carly Smithson is... IN! Duh. Duh for all the foreigners tonight.

Amanda Overmyer is... IN! And she looks bummed about it. What the fuck is going on with that girl?

Asia'H Epperson and Kristy Lee Cook are left. Who will it be? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Hey, have you heard that this is the most talented season EVER?

Asia'H Epperson is... wait, no.

Kristy Lee Cook is... IN! And Asia'H is going home. The hell? So now we're down to one black girl and one generic blond. That sounds about right as far as these things generally play out. What will they do about all the gays on the boy's side?

Her singout is making me misty, what with all the holding back the tears and the dead dad and whatnot. I must be overtired. And I think Paula is on ecstasy.

Danny and Chikezie are holding hands, which just made me laugh out loud. My cat looked at me like, "Dude, shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

Chikezie is... IN! Hey, remember a couple of seconds ago when I asked what was going to happen with all the gays? Uh huh.

Goddammit. Why does my DVR always have to cut off the last few minutes of the show? I shake my fist at you, Time Warner Cable!

There you have it, folks. Your top 12. I may be surprised, but I'm not sad. When Jason Castro goes, though? Someone better show up at my place with a bottle of Riesling and a Vicodin.

Top 16 Recap: Da Boys

The 80s. I'm pretty psyched.

Luke Menard
Luke's most embarrassing 80s outfit was the one where his sister dressed him up in a tutu because she wanted a little sister. He's singing Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," and it's every bit as bad as you'd expect from cute, yet not very talented, Luke. It's too high and the pacing is all weird. I'd also to state for the records that on seven seasons of Idol, I have never liked a falsetto. Randy: Corny. Paula: She choreographed Wham's tour, and then some other stuff about how much she likes him even though he blows. Simon hated it, and thought it was girly. Simon and I are on the same page again, finally. Golly Luke's cute, though.

David Archuleta
Phil Collins. Ugh. He's very monochromatic and has to pee. His most embarrassing moment -- and when did we go from outfits from the 80s to moments? I was looking forward to the outfits -- was when he was singing for a fundraiser in Honduras and lost his voice, and his mom had to finish the song. He's playing the piano and singing, "Another Day in Paradise," and it's a lesser offensive Phil Collins song and he's awesome, of course. He lost the piano really quickly, though. Who is he, Kip Winger with the instrument as prop bullcrap? Randy didn't love the song choice. Paula wet herself twice, obviously. Simon wanted him to stay at the piano. Word! And he found it gloomy. Whatever – lil' David isn't going anywhere. Simon predicts "Final 2."

Denise Richards is there! She looks like a mannequin!

Danny Noriega
His friend tripped him in front of one of his crushes, and he ran. He's doing unspeakable things to Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" and has purple streaks in his hair. Okay, he pulled me back in. He has a shockingly good voice. It was still super weird for me. Randy hated the first half but loved the end. Paula likes how "real" he is, which I take several issues with. Simon hated it six ways to Sunday.

David Hernandez
He was doing a photo shoot (for his stripping career) and when he got the proofs back, he had a giant booger in his nose. Also, confession time. I love Celine Dion's version of this song. The Internets tell me someone called Pandora's Box did it, too, and I'm not sure which version David did, but I loved it. To put my love for this song into context, my all-time favorite band is Pantera. In fact, when he gets done singing, I'm going to rewind it and sing along. He's awesome, of course, and I'm full of glee. Has a dude ever sung a Celine song on this show before? I don't think so. Pretty ballsy, or vagina-y, however you want to look at it. Randy liked it but thought he was a little sharp at times. Paula thinks he got his groove back. Simon didn't like it as much as last week, but thinks he'll be there for sure next week. My version after the rewinding was not quite as good, FYI, and I'm pretty sure my landlords are going to evict me because of it.

Michael Johns
Sexy, sexy accent. Most embarrassing moment? Mascot work. Dressed as a kangaroo named "Boomer," and he got beat up by some guys in front of 20,000 people. He's singing Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)" and I love it from the first note. Randy thinks he's Michael Hutchens. I wouldn't go that far. Paula thinks the song choice was perfect. Simon liked it, but didn't love it. He thinks he's a better soul singer than a rock one.

David Cook
His most embarrassing moment was when he sang "Sandman," by America at a talent show as a little kid, and forgot the lyrics and stood there like a chump. He looks like an "after" shot of a Kid Rock makeover in that video, by the way. He's singing, "Hello," and I want to hate it but I don't, which makes me hate him even more. Randy loves it. Paula loves it. They both think it could be a hit today. Simon thinks Lionel Richie would love it.

Jason Castro
Finally! His most embarrassing moment was when he went out on a date with a girl and ripped one of his dreads off at the dinner table. She went out with him again, though, because how could she not? He's ditched the guitar, and totally spit while he was singing, but I don't care because he can do no wrong. Ever. He's rocking Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. Randy liked it. Paula liked his beautiful vulnerability. Simon thought it was brilliant. I voted for him three times.

Chikezie Eze
He went to the same bathroom every day in high school and then realized it was the women's room. He sounds good singing "All the (Wo)man That I Need" by Whitney Houston, but I'm still not feeling him. Also, whenever I hear this song and hear, "she fills me up," I think of Election and it grosses me out. Did they make him cut it short? Because it seemed awfully short. Also, when I tried to vote for Jason, I accidentally voted for Chikezie. So if he stays and someone great goes, it's probably my fault. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon found it to be cabaret.

The guys are pretty awesome this season, I have to say. I wish the girls were half as interesting.

Favorite: Jason Castro
Least favorite: Luke Menard
Going home: Luke and Chikezie

Top 20: Results Recap

Well, kids, there you have it. Almost 31 million people voted this week, and apparently a lot of them actually like Amanda Overmyer and Luke Menard. Luke's cute, so I can get that, but WHO THE HELL IS VOTING FOR AMANDA?! Dialers, show thyself! (Oh, I totally forgot about Dial Idol. Let's go see who they predicted. Okay, they had it too close to call.)

Here's who will not be your next American Idol: Jason Yeager, Alexandrea Lushington, Alaina Whitaker and Robbie Carrico.

Here are some things from the show worth mentioning, says me:

- David Cook is wearing a tuxedo T-shirt. David Cook, why are you trying so hard to make me hate you?

- Robbie took my advice about never removing the bandanna and showing us his nasty wig again. (Thanks to Jess for the link -- awesome name, lady.)

- Davd Archuleta was inconsolable during Alexandrea's singout. Ryan Seacrest also seemed a little choked up. That, or he finally hit puberty.

- Cat Deeley from So You Think You Can Dance? was in the audience. Love her!

And now, some announcements:

- March 11th: Top 12. Ruben Studdard recorded the new exit song. Nigel and company finally got their grubby little hands on the Lennon/McCartney song book, which means Beatles week. Prediction: Michael Johns will sing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds and David Cook will sing Helter Skelter. Anyone want to bet me? Ooooh, I'm sensing a contest coming up! Stay tuned.

- April 9th: "Idol Gives Back." Last year, they raised 75 million dollars for Katrina victims and Africa, and won an Emmy. This year, they're going to have; Brad Pitt, Miley Cyrus, Reese Witherspoon, Mariah Carey, Daughtry and Carrie Underwood.

- Robbie Carrico has an insanely beautiful girlfriend for a former boy bander with a bad wig and an identity complex.

Check in for new updates early next week. I'm unemployed and have a new laptop on the way -- I may even post that shit DAILY!

Top 20 Recap: Boys

70s week. Jesus. Kill me now.

Michael Johns 'Go Your Own Way' (Fleetwood Mac)
Michael Johns has a shocking secret, y'all. He plays tennis. Yawn. Double yawn on his song. It was okay, but nothing remotely "wow" about it. Still hot, though. I'd do him. So would Paula Abdul, obviously.

Jason Castro 'I Just Want to Be Your Everything' (Bee Gees)
Jason Castro IS my everything. God he's adorable. His shocking secret is that he doesn't like to talk, which works out just fine for me, because I have no talking in mind whatsoever. (Sorry, I get a little frisky when I have my period. TMI!) The judges think he didn't pick such a great song, and I agree. They also thing he should lose the guitar next week. Again, I agree.

Luke Menard 'Killer Queen' (Queen)
You know, I don't really like to talk about my fair. That said, Luke is only rocking the required amount of flair, and if he wants to emulate Freddie Mercury, he's going to have to step it up a bit methinks. Don't you want to express yourself, Luke? Also, shocking secret: Homeboy sings in an a capella group.

Robbie Carrico 'Hot Blooded' (Foreigner)
Is anyone shocked to find out that Robbie drag races? I'm not. Everything about Robbie is overcompensation for being in a boy band -- the long hair, the wallet chain, the bandanna, the "rock," the drag racing ... this guy is knee-deep in an identity crisis. Speaking of the bandanna, I take back everything I said about it last week -- he should never, ever take it off again. The performance was okay, but it felt a little boring and safe, which is my general feeling on the guys up to this point this week.

Danny Noriega 'Superstar' (The Carpenters)
Danny's secret is he used to be in a terrible punk band. I didn't love this performance -- a bit old-fashioned for someone sorting such a kicky sweater. I did like he he managed to be bitchy, respectful and funny all at once during his criticism, though.

David Hernandez 'Papa Is a Rolling Stone' (The Temptations)
David Hernandez used to be a gymnast, which I bet made him a very popular stripper. If, you know, that stripper thing is actually true, which is may not be, but those smoldering gazes tonight made me think it might be. Anyway, I thought he rocked this. I forgot how awesome he is. And I like that he showed a bit of personality to boot. He gets all my dollar bills.

Jason Yeager 'Long Train Running' (The Doobie Brothers)
Oh, Jason Yeager. Such a nice fella. So bound for a Carnival cruise line. Maybe he and Haley Scarnato can tour together. His secret is that e plays a lot of instruments, and fathered a child before he hit puberty. Okay, I made that last part up.

Chikezie Eze 'I Believe to My Soul' (Donny Hathaway)
Chikezie's secret is that his name is Nigerian and actually sounds much cooler the way it's actually pronounced. He won me over a bit this week, but the wink pissed me off a little. Don't wink, people. It's not cute -- it's smarmy.

David Cook 'All Right Now' (Free)
I am so torn about David Cook. On the one hand, he's a word nerd. Me too! That makes me want to like him. On the other hand, his hair. On the other hand, when he performs, I generally lie it. On the other hand, don't give Simon attitude -- it makes you look like a defensive douche. I would liken my opinion of David Cook to that of Linkin Park -- I've been trying to hate that band for years but then I find myself jamming out to a song on the radio and say, "Who's this?" and inevitably, it's Linkin Park.

David Archuleta 'Imagine' (John Lennon)
David's secret is that he went to the first season finale and sang for everyone in the lobby and Kelly Clarkson called him "dude" and gave him a big hug. And I'm going to be totally honest here, unlike the sugarcoating and being too nice that I usually do -- I did not get this kid up until now. I mean, sure, great voice. Cute enough kid. But "eh." This performance sealed it for me, though -- I thought it was fantastic. I mean, he made Paula Abdul cry! No one's ever done that! Okay, that wasn't true. I'm a liar.

Favorite: David Archuleta
Least favorite: Luke Menard
Going home: Jason Yeager and Luke Menard