Predictions

Question:
So who do you ladies' think is going to win this thing?

Jess says:
I think the Davids will make up the final two, and my money's on creepy David Archuleta to win the whole thing. What? He's creepy. Don't front. You know he is -- you just don't want to say it out loud because he's sunshine and rainbows and puppies and if you say it, it's like you're kicking a puppy. Luckily, I kick puppies all the time so I'm fine with it. In fact, I'm kicking one right now. The judges have been ramming Archuleta down our throats like Harry Reems to Linda Lovelace all season. Why? I don't know. Is he more marketable than smarmy David Cook? I don't think so. Is he more talented than Syesha Mercado? Again, I don't think so. Are 12-year-old girls the only demographic record labels care about these days? Maybe. Can we have Jason Castro back? Please?

Curly McDimple says:
In seasons past, I've had super strong feelings about my desired American Idol. For example, the fact that I didn't douse myself with gasoline and strike a match when Taylor "The Tard" Hicks beat my beloved Tits McPhee is nothing short of a miracle.

During Season Two, I damn near gave myself calluses voting for the otherwise unremarkable… uh…. What's his face? Big fat guy with limited breathing ability and high blood pressure? Ruben Studdard! Yeah, that's it! Sure, he had a decent set of pipes but that's not why he got my vote. It was my utter contempt for Clay Aiken that made me incur a ridiculous amount of texting fees on my AT&T bill in support of Sir Wheezes-a-Lot.

Sadly, this season, I have no fire in mah belly nor a deep, abiding hatred of anyone. Sure, I think David Cook is an arrangement-pilfering douche with an unhealthy relationship with a straightening iron. And perhaps I believe that Syesha Mercado's greatest post-Idol achievement will be landing the role of Patty Simcox's swing in a production of Grease in Branson, MO. And maybe, just maybe, I firmly believe with all of my heart that wee David Archuleta is going to snap one day and take a knitting needle or a pair of scissors to Jeff Archuleta's voice box after he pooh-poohed David's reworking of "Every Heartbeat" from Amy Grant's cross-over album, Heart In Motion. She's such a polarizing trollop, that Amy Grant.

Not that I've given this all that much thought, you see…

But, honestly, I don't have much of an interest in who is going to win this year. It's anyone's game, really. And by anyone, I mean Davids Archuleta and Cook. Sorry, Syesha, you're toast this week. Between the Davids, I really couldn't give two shits, but, if I had my druthers, I'd say that wee David Archuleta's shrieking fan base will give him the edge. I also predict that Jeff Archuleta should secure all sharp objects within reach and sleep with one eye open.

Lizz says:
I'm going with smarm-boat David Cook for the win, if only because I truly believe David Archuleta's pop isn't going to let him perform in the finals--you know he's going to get in a flying rage and go all Daddy Dearest on us in the last episode, when he'll insist on taking the stage and singing those songs himself because poor little David can't be trusted not to screw up their, er, his dreams of winning it all and succeeding in the music biz, yes, that's right, David's dreams.

Maybe if David A is lucky his dad will let him work the spotlight during the final number...no wait, on second thought, I don't think he can be trusted to do that either, better let dad take care of it.

Mejack says:
All I would say is that I want to set Syesha on fire.

Precociousness (?) thy name is Julia.

Okay people:

(and Hello! Nice to meet you, by the way. I’m a little nervous, but Tom Cruise pumped to share the blogosphere with the lovely, funny ladies here on American Midol; but I’ll try to keep my couch bouncing and grave superiority in the fact that I know I’m the only one who can Really Help them in check as best I can)

this girl at last night’s Miami auditions epitomizes every reason for not exposing your kids to the biz until, well, they’re at least 18, preferably like 24 and technically no longer kids.



16-year-old Julia Dubela was a contestant on an Idol spin-off for the tween set I vaguely remember catching a few times called American Juniors. I’m gonna go out on a limb here in assuming a record deal wasn’t on the heels of her first TV debut at the age of 12, since four years later she crowded into a stadium with the sweaty hoi-polloi for a second shot at reality stardom, mugging for the cameras within an inch of her life.

Fair enough, but unfortunately, it seems Julia got a wee mixed up in her Fox shows, as she showed up to the Idol auditions wearing one of the dresses wardrobe gave her for American Juniors. This HAS to be the explanation for why her cooter was coming dangerously close to having its own solo (how her makeup kit got switched with Miss Piggy’s, I really can’t explain, but one thing at a time). I refuse to believe that any mother with eyesight would let that kind of hemline and peek-a-boo bra straps accompany her daughter down the block to the corner store, much less national television.

What made Julia’s audition really cringe-inducing though is the Lolita-esque angle the producers crammed down our throats that she was way too happy to validate. We see footage of her singing on American Juniors where she’s fresh-faced, modestly attired and rocking some cute little girl bangs, and you know, a 12-year-old. Cut to present day shots of her posing in a way that tells us she totally thinks she’s the hottest pop tart in Miami and somehow equates the passage of four years with 15 and it’s really uncomfortable—this girl fully expects America to be bowled over by her graduation from Limited Too to Forever 21, and she couldn’t be more mistaken.

Luckily Simon and Co. were similarly creeped out by the forced and Oh So Wrong professionalism she exuded that all child stars cultivate (“what’s precocious?”she asks the judges for the final nail in the coffin) and her inability to turn herself “off” even after she blew it. Her voice wasn’t half bad, but they told her she should have waited a few more years to audtion, and I totally agree, since I hope to God she’ll look back on her Idol footage ten years from now and want to crawl into a hole and die.

“Go to L.A and become an actress,” Simon suggested to her at the end. “You’ll do great.”

Um, okay, maybe on the CW, Simon, and that’s a honkin maybe. She should probably just crawl into that hole now, come to think of it.

Please Stand By

Last night, we had, respectively:

• Subway problems which prevented us from getting home before midnight, and we had to be up by 6:00 for our internship



• Home remodeling and freelance work-induced narcolepsy



• Personal issues more important than American Idol (it happens!) that needed to be attended to, and a busted DVR

So there you go. Curly and I will have updates for you later today, and stay tuned for the debut of our newest Midol blogger -- Lizz from FtheFtrain. She's going to be awesome, I'm sure. (No pressure!)