The Final Four: The Results

Y'all are two for two! Congrats on successfully guessing LaKisha's ouster in this week's poll. Any of you want to come with me to the track? Or the corner bodega to get me a Mega Millions ticket? I'll cut you in, I promise.

I still have a wicked cough but I popped a few Ricola and managed to suppress the full body heaving enough to snap a few pictures tonight. You're welcome, bitches.

So, on with the show...

After the usual blather, we were introduced to the judges (for those among us suffering from short-term memory loss, I suppose.) For reasons still unclear to me, Simon and Paula switched seats at the judging table. Paula tried to explain it but all I got out of it as "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" and "Jessica Alba, you're hot." Fuck what I said last night, the bitch is getting a 9 this week.

Anyhoo, since he was occupying her usual seat, Simon treated us to a dead-on imitation of Paula's seal clap. Behold!

And then, much to my surprise, and I'll admit, disappointment, Paula managed to make a funny with her accurate portrayal of Simon's creepy nipple rubbing...

During the recap of last night's performances, I made an important discovery: Melinda once again soaked the first few rows with some errant spit. How did I miss this on Tuesday?!

That's becoming an issue, Mindy Doo. You might want to hook up your audience with complimentary tarps from now on.

And then we were subject to some more painful padding to fill out the hour, including insipid, charmless man-on-the-street interviews and an extended promo of the upcoming Idols Live tour. I understand that the producers want to capitalize on the large audience to tout the concert series, however, who was the dumb ass who edited a promo containing quite possibly the worst performances ever? We saw Hayley murdering "True Colors," Gina butchering "Paint It Black" and, of course, Sanjaya's memorable mangling of "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. Um, do they want people to NOT show up?

Then Pink performed and it was awesome. I have no beef with Pink.

I cannot say the same for Barry Gibb and his gigantic dentures sorely in need of a filing down...

He finished up his song with a dramatic pose and facial expression that just screamed, "Rise, Lazarus! I command you to rise!"

I sat on my couch with a perplexed look on my face as the crowd showered Gibb with lengthy and loud applause. And Bill Maher! Bill Maher, of all people, seemed to really dig the theatrics, bad dentistry and all.

Really Bill Maher? You like "American Idol"? And... Barry Gibb? Seriously?

New Rule: Bill Maher cannot partake in such pussy dealings if he wants to maintain the inappropriately dirty crush I have on him. As it stands, that fantasy is kind of ruined.

Wednesday News Update and Predictions

Phil Stacey May Be Going to Iraq
Phil Stacey may be going off to Iraq instead of to the Idols Live tour this summer, the Los Angeles Times says. It’s kind of a non-story, because no one confirmed it. I’m more concerned with the fact that Phil’s Navy rock band is called “Pride,” which seems awfully wimpy for a band that is composed of military guys who play rock music. (National Ledger)

Jessica Sierra Will Cut a Bitch
Season 4 flunkie Jessica Sierra is being sued by a man who claims she gashed his head after hurling a cocktail glass at him. Sierra claims she thought he was someone who had spit in her face. She was charged with aggravated assault and cocaine possession. She was just holding the coke for someone, though. The jokes for this story write themselves, so I’ll refrain. (WOAI)

Amanda Coluccio Makes Music
Taking a page out of BFF Antonella Barba’s playbook, the season 6 contestant is making “sexy” music on MySpace, complete with “sexy” pics. In other news, should Amanda and Antonella not make it in the music industry (like that’s even possible), they’ll have a great future starring in lesbian porn together. (Buddy TV)

Bo Bice and, uh, Anthrax?
Anthrax members Scott Ian (aka my future husband) and Frankie Bello will jam with Bo Bice this Friday at Retox, the rock bar co-owned by Ian in NYC this Friday. I will be on a bus to Schenectady for Mother’s Day instead of at the show, crying. (93X Rocks)

And for my predictions, Blake and Kiki in the bottom two with Kiki going home. And I’m also predicting Jordin to win the whole damn thing.

The Final Four: The Recap

Good evening, ladies and germs. And I do mean germs. A lovely rattling cough has settled into my chest and it's making me quite miserable. Mmm... dry, barking cough. 'Tis lovely, 'tis. Between that and some girl trouble, I wasn't really in the mood to watch "American Idol" tonight much less take my usual batch of grainy photos. But I did watch and take notes but the camera remained buried in my bag somewhere so there will be no visual aids this week. If I have to be in pain, so do you all of you. Sharing is caring, yo.

Also noteworthy: I'm not drinking Riesling tonight. I bought beer instead (Corona Extra, if you must know) because I'm sort of mopey and I don't want to end up all depressed. Wine makes me weepy, you see. Also, I'm starting to get funny looks from the cashier at the Heights Chateau when I stop in for my weekly fix of Clean Slate so I'm lying low for a while. And by "a while," I mean until next Tuesday. Or maybe tomorrow. We'll see.

On with the show...

So Barry Gibb was tonight's mentor. He was pleasant and helpful, I suppose. However, the most noticeable thing about Barry had to be those ill-fitting dentures. Someone needs to call Select Dental, methinks.

Melinda Doolittle
First Song: "Love You Inside and Out"
Yet another solid yet non-descript vocal. She was roundly pooh-poohed as boring by the judges.

Second Song: "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?"
This started out dull and boring but Melinda really reached in towards the middle and breathed some much-needed life into this ballad. Simon remarked that "the second half of the song has put you into the semi-finals." I agree. Paula, on the other hand, tried to offer constructive criticism by saying, "Throw all your technique away and just..."

Just what, Paula? Yeah, that was real helpful. I'm sure Melinda is taking it into consideration. You're getting an 8 this week, dumb ass.

Blake Lewis
First Song: "You Should Be Dancing"
Second Song: "This Is Where I Come In"
Neither song was that memorable for me to critique them separately. Blake trotted out the 311-style vocals and beatboxing YET AGAIN and for once, Randy called him on it. Randy was good and cranky tonight and, I may soon regret this, but I sort of liked him tonight. When he's offering substantial criticism, he's less prone to saying things like, "Good looking out." I HATE when Randy says "Good looking out," primarily because I don't know what it means. Actually, wait... he said "Good looking out" to LaKisha tonight so I guess that makes it a moot point. In that case, fuck you, Randy.

Anyhoo, Simon shit all over Blake and I'm pretty sure it's going to fire up his base thereby securing his spot in the top three. Bummer because he's tired and he sucks.

LaKisha Jones
First Song: "Stayin' Alive"
Second Song" "Run to Me"
Again, neither song was distinct enough to merit its own paragraph. And again, LaKisha opted for an appalling green gown. Didn't we already discuss this, Kiki?! You're going home this week and you have only yourself -- and your questionable fashion choices -- to blame.

Jordin Sparks
First Song: "To Love Somebody"
Jordin wisely chose a non-gimmicky BeeGees song in her first outing earning her raves all around. And Barry Gibb totally hearts Jordin stating that there's "no greater version of 'To Love Somebody' than Jordin's" and then he said she'd be one of the great female vocalists of our time. Normally, I'd be jealous of the attention he was lavishing on my girl but dude, those choppers! I have NOTHING to worry about as my teeth are aligned and proportionate with the rest of my mouth.

Second Song: "Woman In Love"
She didn't fare as well with this song and the "Lord of the Rings"-inspired gown but her first number was strong enough to safely carry her to the finals.

Predictions
Bottom Two: Blake Lewis and LaKisha Jones
Going Home: As of press time (hee hee... I always wanted to say that), you, our esteemed Midol readers, think LaKisha will be hitting the bricks. And I'm inclined to agree. Ciao, KiKi. It's been real.

Poll Time: Who's a Goner?

Since y'all did such a bang-up job predicting last week's losers, here's your chance to play clairvoyant once again. Tell us...

Who's getting the boot?
	Blake Lewis
	Jordin Sparks
	LaKisha Jones
	Melinda Doolittle
Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Top 6 Results

Wow, I think I may have a drinking problem. My productivity has taken a hit and I'm making excuses as well as promises of recaps I can't possibly keep. However, The Lovely Jess came through with your weekly fix so get off my back, yo. Seriously, there's a Riesling-flavored monkey already on it and there's simply not room for all of you.

The monkey stays, bitches.

And now the housekeeping portion of the post...

According to the results of our poll, the readers of American Midol correctly predicted tonight's outcome: Phil and Chris hit the bricks. However, I'm a dumb ass and forgot to turn off the voting before the live show began ('cause I'm overly fond of the drink) and when I last checked the results during the "legal" time frame, y'all had LaKisha pegged for extinction along with Chris. So if we're going to go the integrity route, you're only half right. But fuck integrity and dignity, congrats on your accuracy.

Bummer about Chris though. I mean, really, how hot is he?!

Hubba hubba. Here's one mug, however, that I won't be sad to see leave:

And since I didn't post a proper recap as promised, whiny ones, here's some choice shots from last night's show:

I don't know why but LaKisha reminds me of Patrick from "SpongeBob SquarePants" in this photo. Maybe it's because she's so very blobby and triangular. Perhaps I'm off-base but methinks LaKisha should refrain from ever wearing shorts with a tropical pattern -- Jams, if you will -- just the same.

Here's Blake and his "old man mouth" (full credit for that brilliant description goes to Melissa McGee) in all its glory:

And, lastly, here's a little bit of low-tech animation of Melinda Doolittle doing her best to rock the devil prongs. This makes me adore her even more.

Bye, Chris. I'll miss you. Oh and psst... call Jess. As for you Phil, may you finally rest in peace.

Top 6 Recap

This week was all Bon Jovi, all the time. And I couldn't have been happier. Well, maybe a Slayer week would make me happier, in theory, but then it would make me sad, because Blake would beatbox to "South of Heaven," and my world as I know it would lose all meaning. Ahem.

Jon Bon Jovi is still smoking hot, and like all the mentors who came before him, he wants the Idolbees to tell a story. First up is Phil Stacey, and he's singing "Blaze of Glory." JBJ loves him fiercely, as do I. I started out a Phil fan, then he sucked for a really long time, but now he's back and I'm back on board. Also, how does Vote for the Worst deal when the "worst" is actually good? Food for thought.

Next up in Jordin Sparks, and she’s singing "Living on a Prayer" and my first thought is "oh no." And then starts singing, and my second thought is "oh no," followed by "ouch." Not good, J-Spo. Not good t'at all.

Lakisha Jones is up next, and she’s singing "This Ain't a Love Song," which I've never heard before. And while she obviously didn't go outside her comfort zone (which no one took her to task for, and perhaps they should have), she was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that Simon slipped her a little tongue post-performance. Okay, he didn't, but he did kiss her. On the lips. And then slip her some tongue. Maybe.

Next up is Blake Lewis. JBJ talks about the huge risk he's taking with "You Give Love a Bad Name," which means he’s going to beatbox, which means JBJ hates it, and I'm going to hate it, too. And I do. I'm not really sure what Bon Jovi did to Blake personally, but clearly he's seeking revenge. And here's the thing that gets me the most. If Blake had actually sung the song, and remember this is, in fact, a singing competition, I would have loved it. The parts where he actually sang? Blew me away. I had no idea he had that much power. He could have rocked it, but instead he ruined it. Dumbass. And his dye job killed whatever bit of cuteness he still had left. And when Paula said that she saw a "twinkle" in JBJs eyes as he talked about the song, I think what she really meant was "shame" and "dread."

When Chris Richardon told us he'd be singing, "Dead or Alive," I thought "noooooo." I expected runs all over the place, and dude, you can't Timberlake up Bon Jovi. But he was actually ... good. He traded in his nasally bullshit for a raspy thing that TOTALLY WORKED. And now when Chris and I finally do get naked and have sex with one another, I won't feel bad about it, because he's really not a terrible singer.

Melinda Doolittle is up last with "Have a Nice Day." And she's awesome! I mean, there isn't really anything to say about her vocals, because they're always flawless, but homegirl brought the attitude. And it was also adorable when she tried to do the devil horns. I voted for her three times.

And then George and Laura Bush closed the show, thanking the American people for doing what they should be doing, but aren't doing, and they don't even see the irony of it all.

Bottom three: Chris, Phil, LaKisha
See ya later: Chris (No really, Chris. Call me. I'd like to see you later.) and Lakisha

The Top 6 Recap: Delayed Gratification

So you know that little Riesling habit I seem to have developed on Tuesday nights in recent months? Well, it usually provides the fuel for a good bitchy recap but tonight it's acting more like a sleep aid. A very potent and effective sleep aid.

Sadly, my buzz never quite took tonight. I went straight from sobriety to being a preachy drunk -- a yawning, preachy drunk, to be precise. Just ask Jess. I just got off the phone with her and our call ended with yet another of my patented (and admittedly tired) anti-Rosie O'Donnell rants. And dude, she wasn't even on the show. What brought that on? Poor Jess. At least I didn't get on my kick about the importance of unions and organized labor. It's a problem, you see...

Anyhoo, I took notes and pictures tonight and both are within arm's reach but I don't have the energy to craft them into something snotty at this hour. Tomorrow, most definitely but until then, I'm off to bed. But first, I'm going to leave you with a prediction for the Bottom Three based on the results of our latest poll: LaKisha, Chris and Phil.

Personally, I think after tonight's performance, LaKisha bought herself an extra week (or more, possibly). My girl Jordin tanked tonight and may have finally earned herself a spot at the bottom of the barrel. So for the Bottom Three, I'm going to say Jordin, Phil and Chris. Going home... it could be Chris. Or Phil. Oh, I don't know. I'll have firm answer after a good night's sleep and my first extra-large cup of coffee. Stay tuned.

Top 6: The Toothless Recap

In tonight's episode, the Top 6 performed songs of compassion and hope in celebration of Idol Gives Back. Normally I'd roll my eyes at such cheese but well, I can't do that since Idol Gives Back is a noble effort and in the spirit of this worthy and generous cause, I'm dialing back the snark to zero tonight. Rest assured, I'll be back and overflowing with piss and vinegar next week. Until then, here's tonight's rundown:

Chris Richardson
Performed "Change the World" by Eric Clapton

I didn't dig it but the judges did. (I warned you this was toothless.)

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "There Will Come a Day" by Faith Hill

I didn't like the song but Melinda sang it well. The judges went batshit over it yet again and I began to detect a judging pattern.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Imagine" by John Lennon

Simon described Blake's rather bland performance as "sensitive." And he wasn't being the least bit haughty about it! Uh yup, I'm definitely not the only one who feels too guilty to pooh-pooh the performances tonight. Polite overpraise was the theme of the evening.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "I Believe" by Fantasia

Wow, the first performer to get across-the-board criticism tonight. Also, I think it's the first time in the history of Idol where a performer had the audacity to sing songs by past winners TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. LaKisha already tread on Jennifer Hudson's turf early in the competition so it's particularly noticeable now. Hmmm... I wonder if she'll dip into the Jasmine Trias songbook next week... if there IS a next week for KiKi.

Phil Stacey
Performed "The Change" by Garth Brooks

Simon was downright syrupy while heaping his "I like yous" on Phil tonight. I needed to go brush my teeth afterwards what with all the sugar and my usual Phil-inspired vomiting. Okay, so that was slightly snarky. I couldn't resist.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "You'll Never Walk Alone" from the musical, Carousel

It started out wobbly but it got solid towards the end but again, I wasn't as jazzed as the judges seemed to be. Even so, I'm zipping it... for now.

Predictions
Bottom Three: LaKisha, Blake and Phil
Going Home: LaKisha

Bye-Bya Sanjaya

Well it looks like America remembered that this was, in fact, a singing competition and finally voted off Sanjaya. He definitely should have been gone long ago but I have to give the kid credit for how he has handled himself throughout all of this. He is only seventeen and and has endured endless public scrutiny and has been the butt of many, many jokes. I could not IMAGINE dealing with that at seventeen. The good news is that there are many, many teenage star fuckers so you know he will be getting much ass.

I was really, really surprised that Blake was in the bottom three. Kiki, yes, as she has been slowly losing steam but it is hard to imagine that Phil Stacey made that much of a comeback from just one performance. And who exactly is voting for Chris? He must have the young chick vote or something. I think that both Chris and Blake have a gaggle of little girl fans but I think Chris probably has the upper hand there as he seems more accessible- kind of like digging the second cutest New Kid because EVERYONE loved Jordan and maybe Joey was probably tired of everyone making a big fuss about Jordan and wanted someone to think HE was the best and if I liked Joey the best then maybe he would give me a shot. Or something. Theoretically. That did not actually happen or anything. That scenario was strictly for argumentative purposes.

I am glad we are done with country music week. Don't get me wrong- I am a big fan of SOME country- I love the slidey twangy guitar and the songs about whiskey and horses and jail - but I really don't care for the contemporary country music that I sat through this week. Between that and the Gloria Estefan revival of last week I am really ready for some show tunes. Awesome. This post sucks.

Part 7 Recap: The Sequel

My esteemed colleague, The Lovely Jess, already brought you her take on the evening's song stylings so I'm going to blow through tonight's lineup focusing less on the vocals and more on what is undeniably my strong suit: shallow snap judgments. As Randy would say, it's in my wheelhouse, dawg.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Where the Black Top Ends" by Keith Urban
Wow, I hate country music and well, this didn't suck. Phil's attire, however, did. Seriously, he needs to stop with the skinny jeans/oversized button-down shirt combo.

Oh, and again with the "I love you" sign language?! (Thanks for pointing that out, Bubbajane). So what, Phil is now courting the deaf vote? He should really leave that to Sanjaya, no?

Jordin Sparks
Performed "A Broken Wing" by Martina McBride
Wow, dude, that takes balls to sing a song by the mentor. That could have easily stooped to Blake-Sings-Marc-Anthony territory but girlfriend brought it home this week. That was not brown-nosing. That was bad ass. Although, the outfit? Was that from the Wonder Woman Evening Wear Collection? Jordin, I can't possibly continue to crush on you when you dress like this. Go see Jess about some image pointers NOW. Please and thank you.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt
Clearly Sanjaya was both competing in American Idol and simultaneously auditioning for membership in the Nashville Bloods with tonight's get-up:

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood
Notice that Kiki's titties were nowhere to be seen tonight. It's 'cause she was singing about Jesus, y'all. Understandable modesty. But really, What Would Jesus Say About Those Gold Lamé Boots? (WWJSATGLB)

Chris Richardson
Performed "Mayberry" by Rascal Flats
As cute as he is, Chris is getting hard to root for what with the flat notes, the bobbing and weaving dance moves (even during country week!) and his impassioned defense of nasally vocals. Still, he looked adorable and I don't mind keeping him around for some eye candy.

God, I really am the worst lesbian ever.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Trouble Is a Woman" by Julie Reeves
I have nothing to say that other than her usual masterful performance, Melinda looked fabulous and age appropriate tonight. Behold!

Blake Lewis
Performed "When the Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw
Whoa! I actually knew this song. Then again, my exposure to it is both through The Corrs and Ryan Adams, NOT Tim McGraw. But whatever, Blake didn't fuck it up with his usual "isms" as Paula called them and I can't shit on him this week. Let's see how long this stay of execution lasts.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Chris Richardson, LaKisha Jones and Phil Stacey
Going Home: Hmm... it could be Chris but I think Phil's reached his expiration date. In fact, he's been smelling for weeks but it's high time to ditch him.

Top 7 Recap

Well folks, we made it through country week. Martina McBride was kind of awesome. She gave them really good feedback, and she has very pretty eyes. Anyway, here's what I thought of the contestants. I'll add in song titles later when they get posted somewhere.

Phil Stacey
I agreed with the judges that Phil seemed in his element this week and finally showed a little personality. Homeboy's been all doom and gloom for weeks. I do maintain that Phil is the best male vocalist on the show, and I also maintain that it isn't really saying much. His lower register (Term #32 I learned on Idol) is still a little rough, but his big notes are awesome. Now if only he could stop being so fucking creepy.

Jordin Sparks
She was awesome. And I'm not going to gush about how SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN because the judges, especially Randy, can't stop gushing about the fact that SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. But damn, people. SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. (Cue Winger and give the mic to Curly)

Sanjaya Malakar
Sanjaya makes me wish I were Helen Keller, although I think even Helen Keller could have detected a whiff of suckage emanating from her television screen.

LaKisha Jones
I actually kind of liked Kiki rendition of "Jesus Takes the Wheel." I mean, I think the song is ridiculous, due partly to the fact that I'm a godless heathen, and partly to the fact that if you're in a car, barreling to your death, turning it over to Jesus is kind of a last resort, you know? There are things you should maybe give a try first. If I were Jesus I'd tell that bitch to stop being so fucking lazy and keep those hands on the wheel. But I thought LaKisha brought a lot of emotion to it, and I didn't think it was nearly as shouty as the judges did.

Chris Richardson
Oh, Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. Nasally is NOT a vocal style, it is a vocal shortcoming. And don't talk back to Simon. Just don't. It makes you look like an ass. An adorable ass, to be sure (Chris, call me!) but an ass nonetheless. Also, the singing was horrendous.

Melinda Doolittle
Mindy Doo looked hot! And she sounded great, and she brought energy and attitude and she's slowly losing the "aw shucks" thing, which is only going to win her more fans. I'll be voting for her multiple times as soon as I finish this recap

Blake Lewis
God help me – I actually liked that. Like, a lot. I'm not changing my stance on Blake. I still think he's smarmy and cocky and way full of himself. But I couldn't hate that, and believe me, I tried.

Overall, I didn't find it as painful as I usually find country week. It didn't blow me away, but it was bearable. What I did find painful, though, was the ill-timed, awkward mentions about the Virginia Tech shooting. I appreciate the sentiment, of course, as I'm sure everyone did, but it felt really forced and weird. Like, Ryan says something right before energetically kicking off the show? And Chris mentioning it right after Simon rips him apart? And the judges all mumble about it when they're supposed to be critiquing Blake's performance? I'm not heartless – I've gotten choked up several times watching and reading the news, and I find the whole thing devastating. I guess I just don't really feel like American Idol is the best platform for that kind of commentary.

Now, let me get back to what I do best – being a raging bitch. (See? Transition = awkward) Here's your news:

Sanjaya is a Fashion Plate
Fanjayas are flocking to H&M to pick up the white suit he wore two weeks ago. In other news, the Idol wardrobe budget is around $17.50.

More Idol Sex Tapes
Olivia Mojica? Who? We at American Midol are waiting until there's a scandal-free week and Sanjaya gets voted off to release our sex tapes – gotta keep traffic going somehow. I have an A.M. call with Vivid Entertainment. I'll keep you posted.

Carrie Underwood is a Winner
Okay, I take back what I said about Carrie's relationship to Jesus. Clearly he's on her side, as she picked up three more honors at the Country Music Awards. She better ask Jesus to build her an addition on the house so she has a place to put all those statues.

And now, predictions:
Bottom three: Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and (wishful thinking) Sanjaya Malakar.
Going home: Ciao, Phil.

Top 8: The Recap

Welcome to Latin Week, or as I like to call it: The Tribute to Santana and Gloria Estefan. Apparently, judging by this week's song selections, the only exposure this crop of contestants had to so-called Latin music was at the dentist's office or in elevators.

Oh and I totally take back what I said about J.Lo yesterday because she was actually a thoughtful and helpful mentor. I'm big enough to admit when I've been a beaver. Just don't any of you jump on the bandwagon 'cause I'll cut a bitch. I so will. Seriously, don't try me.

Okay, enough with the idle threats and on with the show...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Sway"
As always, I thought Melinda did a fine job with this. Yes, she lacked a smoldering passion but there's only so much heat one can exude when completely devoid of a neck.

Also, I didn't dig Simon jumping all over her tonight. I thought it had less to do with the quality of her performance and more to do with the fact that he wanted to finally rag on her after all this time. Not nice, Simon. Not nice. Point that vitriol at Blake. Boyfriend needs to be taken down a notch or twelve.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Conga" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
OMG, I hated this. Then again, I hate the Gloria Estefan version of this song so LaKisha was up shit's creek from the get-go. Even Paula pooped on it in that way that only Paula can, "First, you look lovely..." and then she went to repeat various iterations of the phrase "safe performance" more times than I can remember. Translation: You sucked balls, Kiki.

Oh, and again with trotting out the gigantic titties! Check these out:

I guess LaKisha figures if bare legs are keeping Haley around, she might as well flaunt her congas, er, I mean cans. I mean breasts. Yes, breasts.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Smooth" by Santana
Oh man, Chris, why'd you have to go and ruin it for me? I was loving you so much and then you had to drag Rob Thomas into it. That's unforgivable and you deserve to be punished. Go see Jess for a spanking.

Haley Scarnato
Performed "Turn the Beat Around" by Gloria Estefan
She sucked, yadda, yadda, yadda. I can't keep coming up with new ways to say this so I won't even try. Instead, here's the requisite hoochie mama shot of Haley and her legs for all you dirty Googlers:

Phil Stacey
Performed "Maria, Maria" by Santana
J.Lo said Phil gave her goose pimples. Not to be outdone, I want you all to know that Creepy Phil makes me shit my pants at least once a week.

Also, Phil doesn't know how to count. His assigned number this week was "5" and lookie how many digits he's holding up during his "appeal."

Good, more votes for Chris Richardson, even though he broke my heart with his Matchbox 20 association.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
Yet another song I detest. But I do find it promising that Jordin, when asked by a viewer what theme she'd pick for an upcoming show, stated 80s music as her choice. With the exception of Gloria Estefan and that ilk, I adore the 80s music. I think it's a sign.

Jordin, I'll spin you right 'round like a record, baby, round round. I'll stop the world and melt with you. I want you to want me. When a problem comes around, we must whip it. We got the beat and, uh, I've got Bette Davis eyes. Actually, I don't but it sounded good and oh, fuck it. I'm drunk. I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Need to Know" by Marc Anthony
The minute he announced his song choice I yelled, "Ass kisser!" Way to brownie up to the mentor, Blake.

Much to my chagrin, Randy and Simon called it a great song choice and best of the night. Paula stated that the performance "captured the essence of who you are." To which I yelled, "Yeah, a tremendous douche bag copycat!"

I was doing a lot of yelling at the screen tonight. Again, I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Besame Mucho"
Is it just me or did Sanjaya look just like El DeBarge tonight?

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... LaKisha Jones are in the Bottom Three. Phil, pack your coffin and go.

Top Nine or Something.

In my life I have had no choice but to love Tony Bennett. Not only was he a nice Italian boy from Queens but in the minds of my elders (my Brooklyn Italian grandmother and her sixteen thousand sisters) he is regarded nearly as highly as Sinatra- who, in their minds, ranked second only to The Pope in terms of reverence and devotion. I grew up listening to Tony Bennett as well as many of the masters of American standards. I am not ashamed to admit that I absolutely love this type of music. I listen to the 40's station on XM radio ad nauseum and I proudly list Judy Garland and Ethel Merman among my friends on myspace. Needless to say, I was looking forward to seeing "Ant'ny"(as Grandma used to call him. She called them all by their full names. Francis Sinatra. You get it) I was, however, nervous to see how this group of clowns did with these songs- and after watching I can see that my fears were fully justified. Seriously I am so not into this seasons contestants. Not at all. So here it is.

Blake: Now, Mack The Knife is one of my all time favorite songs. Ever. I think it was pretty bold of Blake to choose this song as it has been covered by every one of the greats. I think he did alright but I was honestly disappointed that he did not do any kind of beatboxing because it would have been interesting to see how it played out. All in all he was alright and I don't see him leaving anytime soon. Oh- and Blake -Ducky Dale just called to challenge you to a plaid pants-off. Seriously. Find some new threads Daddy-o.

Phil: Dude. A goatee. Headband. Earmuffs. ANYTHING. Something to break the monotony of that shiny ball of flesh that is perched atop your neck.

Melinda: Super. Great. She wins. We know.

Chris: I still say that his whole thing is trying (operative word trying) to bite Justin Timberlake...even down to the hat...but he did alright last night. I actually surprised myself by mustering a bit of affection for the lad- then I stabbed myself in the arm with nail scissors.

Jordin: I hate that song. I don't know if she did it well or not because I can't stand that song. I am sure she did fine though.

Gina: While watching her all I could think of was a line from Chris Rock's "No Sex In The Champagne Room" where he said where he said: "If a girl has a pierced tongue - she'll probably suck your dick". I usually don't think of that when I see a tongue ring- as many of my peepys have them, but between the tongue ring and her nearly flashing her hooha on national television in front of millions, I am worried about the example being set for the youth of our nation. That, people, is why I think she should be voted off. It has nothing to do with that I fucking hate her and think she sounds like an 8th grader singing at a junior high talent show. It is for the welfare of our children that I implore America to vote that cunt off the show. Thank you.

Sanjaya: pass

Haley: I can't think of anything to say except that in my lifetime, I hope to never again see mint green sequins.

Lakisha: I echo Jess' sentiment that I hope she mixes it up soon. She is undoubtedly a very, very good singer but it is starting to seem monotonous.

Predictions: Bottom three- Phil, Haley and Chris. Going bye-bye? I think Haley's time has come.

mejack OUT!

Top 9: The Recap (And Poll)

Crikey that was dull. Here's your recap, and don't forget to take the poll.

Blake Lewis: 'Mack the Knife'
I don't know this song, so I can't say what kind of justice Blake did this, but it nearly put me to sleep. I think Blake might actually be in a little of trouble this week, because they tell me Chris Richardson, who is vastly cuter than Blake, did a great job and I think they share a demographic in terms of who votes for them. More on Chris later.

Phil Stacey: 'Night and Day'
Oh, Phil. Phil. I love your voice, and I love this song, and I was expecting magic. I was not expecting wanting to kill myself because the world is such a cold, hard place afterward. Please, Phil, if you last another week, pick a better song.

Melinda Doolittle: 'I've Got Rhythm'
I hate this song. HATE IT. But Mindy Doo pulled it off, as always. I really, really want to see her step outside of her comfort zone at some point, though, because I know she can pull it off and it might differentiate her from Kiki, which she really needs to do, stat.

Chris Richardson: 'Don't Get Around Much Anymore'
Another song I don't know. As y'all know, I think Chris is adorable and it pains me to say this, but I just don't think he's a very good singer. And I don't get why the judges lavish so much praise on him. He can perform, sure, but the voice? It's just not there for me, dawg.

Jordin Sparks: 'On a Clear Day'
She rocked this. I'll let Curly do the gushing on this one. That said, I think she needs a longer length in the jacket. That outfit made her hips look ginormous, and they aren't.

Gina Glocksen: 'Smile'
I wish Gina had showed a little more emotion with this. I mean, the girl's usually a big pile of tears and feelings. What happened? I hope she makes it through, though, and rocks it next week like she did last week. Also, quoth the boyfriend, who watched with me, "I don't know if she should be sitting like that in that dress." She was dangerously close to flashing us some girly bits. Speaking of girly bits… Oh wait, no. Sanjaya's next, not Hayley.

Sanjaya Malakar: 'Cheek to Cheek'
I mean, really, what is there to say about that? Bad vocals, bad hair, great comment by Simon (Let's try a different tactic: That was incredible), bad response by Sanjaya (Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya!). On the bright side, he's clearly in on the joke, and that's kind of funny.

Haley Scarnato: 'Ain't Misbehavin'
Dear Haley: When you decide that your winning strategy is to change your look from white wine spritzers out on the lanai to woman of ill-repute, you can't get all bajiggity when all the comments you get are, "Green's a good color for you" (Paula) and "You've got great legs" (Simon). You are begging everyone to check out your body -- you should be thankful to Paula and Simon for pointing it out for the partially blind people that missed your cleavage and hemline.

Lakisha Jones: 'Stormy Weather'
I guess this was good, but I'm getting a little bored of LaKisha. Like Melinda, I want to see her do something different. I want to know what she's capable of. Mix it up a little, Kiki.

My predictions: Phil, Haley and Blake (or Gina) in the bottom 3. Going home: Phil. Home to a beating that his wife has been waiting to give him ever since he missed the birth of their child to audition. Now, kindly share your thoughts:

Who's Going Home?
	Blake Lewis
	Phil Stacey
	Melinda Doolittle
	Chris Richardson
	Jordin Sparks
	Gina Glocksen
	Sanjaya Malakar
	Haley Scarnato
	LaKisha Jones
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Top 10 Recap II: Electric Boogaloo

Even though Jess already brought you all a killer recap and we agree on many, many points (two huge ones in particular, both belonging to LaKisha), there are a few issues on which we part ways. Without further ado, here's my take on the proceedings:

Wow, is it just me or is Gwen Stefani a bit of a social retard when she's not on stage singing and thrashing about in ridiculous outfits most of us with good vision and a shred of self-respect wouldn't be caught dead in?

Perhaps she was the victim of editing but in her interactions with the Top 10, Gwen didn't seem all that warm nor engaged with the contestants. Lulu was totally eating that shit up last week and she sent the girls on their way with sound advice and a shot of confidence whereas Gwen showed little-to-no interest in shepherding them. Maybe Gwen was just bummed that the finalists weren't Japanese and she couldn't exploit their culture and dress them in slutty Catholic school uniforms.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Last Dance" by Donna Summer
That was good but not all that compelling. LaKisha's proven herself as a powerhouse vocalist but her performance was sort of mechanical and devoid of emotion. The most memorable thing about LaKisha tonight? THOSE BREASTS. LaKisha ain't really my type but oooh lawdy, I wouldn't mind setting up play date with those girls.

Chris Sligh
Performed "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police
Chris is really starting to get under my skin. When he stands before the judges, he has a tendency to be too agreeable when they criticize him. I know I took him to task for the Teletubbies crack in the early rounds, but really, I prefer the smart-ass Chris over the current version any day.

Now he just nods and agrees with everything the judges say in between making excuses and explaining his choices. He also occasionally affects a look that says, "Look at me absorbing and pondering what the judges are saying." And good God, he even scratches his chin sometimes! I know he's trying to be the good guy but it's kind of gross, actually. Bring back the old Chris. Now.

Gina Glocksen
Performed "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders
Gina done good. Even though I've pissed on her quite a bit this season, I will give credit where credit is due. Was it a showstopper of Carrie-Underwood-Singing-"Alone" proportions? Well, no, but Gina turned in a memorable performance just the same.

The judges all went gaga over Gina and even crotchety Simon lavished her with praise. "Your transformation from three or four weeks ago to tonight is literally chalk and cheese," Cowell stated.

Because Randy is a barely functional retard with a vocabulary limited to about twelve words and phrases, he couldn't wrap his compromised brain around Simon's phrase so he sat there squawking and belaboring an unfunny exchange with Ryan Seacrest about pairing wine with cheese, not chalk, or some stupid shit like that.

While it's not an expression I've ever uttered, I did the rather rudimentary math and figured it out. It's a pretty quick conversion if you have, say, one functioning brain cell. Randy's just a dumb ass. However, if you're similarly stumped, click here to figure out what Simon meant.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Bath Water" by No Doubt
Not even wasting my time with a critique of that bullshit. Instead, let's once again focus on the hair, which I no longer want to brush, FYI...

Haley Scarnato
Performed "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper
What the hell did she do to this song? Why'd she have go and cheese it up beyond recognition? Oh right, because she sucks. Haley (and her annoyingly loud friends in the audience who insisted on yelling over the judges) are done.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Every Breath You Take" by The Police
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to break with my usual style and present my response to Phil's performance in a real time/Kerouac-like/stream-of-consciousness/punctuation-eschewing format:

Oh my God, creepy Phil is being asked a viewer question which means more camera time for him and more rocking in the fetal position for me and oh my God he's singing the creepiest stalker song ever, that freak, Jesus, I can't believe he chose this song... oh, but wait, wait a minute... say, this isn't so bad, actually and his voice is quite nice and ooh he's actually following the lone piece of useful advice Gwen dished out tonight and he's simply sticking to the melody without getting all yelly and screamy and nope, this doesn't suck one bit.

And, exhale! See how I went from truly terrified to all nice and complimentary? Miracles do happen, kids!

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Heaven Knows" by Melinda Doolittle
At this point, it's a given that Melinda's going to kick the song's ass so let's just go ahead and slap her with another "Awesome!" and move on to her outfit. Simon hated it. I wouldn't go that far but I did take note of it in my big yellow legal pad when Melinda took the stage. "I don't think that's the proper silhouette for her frame," I observed.

I learned that term by watching "Project Runway" and I felt all fancy using it. Ditto for "flavor profiles," which I learned courtesy of "Top Chef," although, admittedly, I didn't take any notes last night about Melinda's flavor profiles because, well, we're looking at and listening to Melinda, not eating her. And other than "Tastes like chicken," I'm not really sure what else I could possibly say about a human's flavor profiles.

Wait, what was my point again?

Blake Lewis
Performed "Love Song" by The Cure
Okay, while they may Jess's number two band, The Cure is most definitely at the top of my list so I may get a bit feisty in the next couple of paragraphs. When Seacrest announced at the beginning of the show that a contestant was tackling a Cure song, I knew right away that it would be Blake. And I knew that mofo was going to pick "Love Song" and I knew he was going to give it the 311 treatment. I'm tired of him getting credit for being fresh and original. He's not! Fuck Paula! Girlfriend earned a high Level o' Crazy number from me tonight merely because she gushed over the "originality" of this shit. It was NOT original. Don't credit Blake for the arrangement. He merely copied what's already been done, somewhat poorly by 311.

This is the same bullshit praise heaped on Taylor last season when he aped Michael McDonald's song stylings and Joe Cocker's spaz-outs and was lauded as "unique" and "original." Last time I checked, that shit was called celebrity impersonation, not originality. If this keeps up, I'm withdrawing my votes for all the current contestants and throwing my support behind Rich Little.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Hey Baby" by No Doubt
It's a pleasure to watch Jordin, and not just because I think she's cute. She's having fun. And like Simon said, she's getting more confident as the weeks go by. However, she's not surrendering any of her humility or charm as a result. I didn't love the vocal but then again, that song doesn't really demand much of one. She worked the attitude and the sassy outfit all over the stage and didn't embarrass herself in the process. That's my girl.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Don't Speak" by No Doubt
Randy liked Chris's "flavor" and Paula looked all creepy as she cooed, "You're good, Chris, you're good. Just good." I'm not entirely sure she was referring to his singing. Gross. Simon, on the other hand, didn't dig it. And, for once, I have to disagree with him. I actually think Chris did a good job with this song. He's had trouble in the past trying to yank notes up, down, left and right often to awkward effect. But tonight, he seemed to have a bit more control and while his voice does skew a bit nasal at times, I do think it has a nice tone. I'm going to take Chris on as my pet project in the voting department until Rich Little officially enters the race.

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... tough one again, Chris Sligh are in the Bottom Three this week but it's Haley and her hot gams who's going home.

Top 10 Recap

Here are my thoughts on the contestants tonight:

LaKisha Jones: Donna Summer, "Last Dance"
LaKisha can sing her ass off, but for some reason, I'm just not feeling her. She did a great job, and like the judges said, it was nice to see her doing something upbeat. But compared to Mindy Doo, who is her major competition vocally, she's not nearly as likeable. But can we mention the breasts? Holy Mary mother of Christ.

Chris Sligh: The Police, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"
Chris Sligh moves to the beat of a different drummer, and not in a good way. What a fucking mess that was. I guess Jesus doesn't favor Chris the way he favored Carrie Underwood.

Gina Glocksen: The Pretenders, "I'll Stand By You"
I've been in the minority with the Gina love, but I think she really pulled through tonight. That was awesome. Totally awesome. And I don't get the "smug" thing that everyone says about her. She seems genuine and really, really emotional. Which, despite my love for her, isn't very rockin'.

Sanjaya Malakar: No Doubt, "Bath Water"
Is this song really about sitting in someone's dirty bath water? Gross. Also, I firmly believe that Sanjaya is just fucking with us at this point. He may even have struck a deal with Howard Stern. Or Satan.

Haley Scarnato: Cyndi Lauper, "True Colors"
Wait, who is Haley Scarnato? Oh, that chick who dressed all slutty last week and is a less talented and less pretty Katharine McPhee? Right! Wait, she sang tonight? I barely remember.

Phil Stacey: The Police, "Every Breath You Take"
So the creepiest guy in the competition sang the creepiest song ever recorded. Which basically made the performance creepy squared. It doesn't even matter that he nailed it vocally – which he did – Blake has the confidence and Chris R. has the cute (Chris R.! Call me!) so Phil's days are numbered. I maintain that he's the best male vocalist in the competition, and admittedly that isn't saying much.

Melinda Doolittle: Donna Summer, "Heaven Knows"
Mindy Doo can do no wrong. I voted for her three times. She's small and oddly-shaped and missing a neck, but boy is she a joy to watch. And I didn't hate the outfit, Simon.

Blake Lewis: The Cure, "Love Song"
I am not at all impressed with Blake. I think he's gimmicky and he makes weird, constipated faces when he sings. And when I heard there was going to be a Cure song, and he started his beat-boxing shit, I was ready to throw down. The Cure is my second favorite band of all time, you see, second to only Pantera. But much to my dismay, Blake delivered. I actually quite enjoyed it. That fucker.

Jordin Sparks: No Doubt, "Hey Baby"
Jordin's right up there with Mindy Doo in terms of the likeability factor. And I thought this had some rough spots, but overall it was fun and I dug it. I also loved Gwen Stefani saying that she didn't realize how "musical" the song could be, meaning she didn't realize what it would sound like if someone who actually had a good voice sang it. Am I hating on Gwen Stefani? A little.

Chris Richardson: No Doubt, "Don't Speak"
Chris is adorable and I want to teach him the ways of love with an older woman, but seriously, he's way out of his league. And I don't understand why Randy and Paula keep heaping praise on him at all. And is it me, or did he look like he wanted to cry when Simon told him he sucked? There, there, Chris. Let mama give you a big hug and make it all better. Oh, and take off those pants.

And there you have it. Also, Gwen Stefani wasn't nearly as annoying as I thought she'd be, and Paul wasn't nearly as crazy as I hoped she'd be. Predictions: Bottom three – Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and Haley Scarnato. Going home? Haley. Should be going home? Sanjaya and his fauxhawk of gentle doom.

Friday News Update... on Saturday

So yeah, I'm bringing you yesterday's news update today. How bad ass am I? Actually, tired as all fuck is the more accurate term. Pardon the missed deadline. Mama had a case of the exhaustion, you see.

Okay, enough stalling. Here are your headlines, bitches:

Warning: Freaky Sanjaya Photoshop Experiment Ahead
Hours later and I'm still trying to get the sting out of my scorched eyes. (TMZ)

Bucky Covington Sings, Sings a Song... of Paralysis
I'm betting it will be the feel-good hit of the summer. (People)

Gwen Stefani's 'Idol' Appearance Is upon Us
It's Gwen's turn to mentor the hopefuls during Pop Week. No word on whether she'll be encouraging them to dress like complete and total tards. (The Gossip Fix)

Past Contestant Report Card
See how Kimberly Locke stacks up against Kellie Pickler. And I swear this has nothing to do with breast size. No really, it doesn't. (Scripps)

LaKisha's Daughter Wants Her Mama Back
Little Brionne is really missing her mommy and wants her home tout de suite. Hmmm... I think we now know who's really jamming the phone lines with votes for Sanjaya. (MLive.com)

Two for Two!

At the risk of seeming boastful, can I predict the soon-to-be booted or can I predict the soon-to-be booted?! Admittedly, I've sucked with my bottom three predictions but I have been on the money with my Top 12 cast-off soothsaying. Brandon Rogers? Check! Stephanie Edwards? Affirmative! However, do not mistake my bragging for actual glee because while neither Brandon nor Stephanie would have won the whole damn thing, both of them are more deserving of a spot in the Top 10 than Sanjaya or Haley. Bogus.

Other than that, I really only have one note from tonight's results show:

Peter Noone should never clap his hands or attempt "dancing" in public ever again. Actually, I'm going to extend this ban to private clapping and dancing as well.

What the hell was he doing up there? Like, he kept awkwardly jabbing at the air while bending at the knee to bounce in place. White stereotypes aside, can this really be considered dancing?

And then! Then! Peter Noone executed an unexpected -- and very alarming -- pelvic thrust in the direction of the Idol hopefuls. In one moment, he was giving them an innocuous thumbs up and in the next, he was treating them to an eyeful of his decrepit old man junk. If you ask me, Peter Noone has all the makings of a flasher. How many easy-open rain coats does he have in his closet, I wonder?!

Here's the Top 10 (aka People I'll Violently Boo During the Idols Live! Tour with the Exception of Melinda Doolittle Unless She Does Something between Now and Then to Piss Me Off, Which I Highly Doubt):

1. Melinda Doolittle
2. Gina Glocksen
3. Lakisha Jones
4. Blake Lewis
5. Sanjaya Malakar
6. Chris Richardson
7. Haley Scarnato
8. Chris Sligh
9. Jordin Sparks
10. Phil Stacey

Give Me Time and I Can Rhyme

Haley
Haley's performance draws a total blank
All I recall is that she looked like a skank
She need to get through this week so she can go on tour
I guess she figured the best way was to dress like a whore

Chris R.
If I were him I would run and hide
Or maybe even commit suicide
and never again sing another tune
after being dissed by Peter fucking Noone

Stephanie
She's got a good voice but she is a bit of a drag
for such a young chick she is like an old hag
I dont hate her really- I''m just not a big fan
I usually skip her songs and visit the can

Blake
If I have to sit through more beatbox from this guy
I'd just as well shove a sharp stick in my eye
Last night's performance pretty much stunk
he did not bring the noise, he did not bring the funk

Lakisha
Lakisha, you know I already love you a lot
but last night, Goddamn, you looked really hot
Beautiful dress and about rocks you did sing
and I call them "rocks" because I refuse to say "bling"

Phil
During Tobacco Road sang by the goblin Phil
myself- is who I wanted to kill
the way I see it- if I was dead
I'd never again see that screeching bald head

Jordin
I cannot come up with one single snark
Toward the lovely and elegant Miss Jordin Spark(s)
I know toward Jordin I can't be too surly
Otherwise I will suffer the wrath of Curly

Sanjaya
Can someone tell me why he has not yet been booted?
He is so unbearable that my TV gets muted.
I can't believe so many people vote for this guy
It's like this entire country is high

Gina
(to the tune of Paint It Black)
I hate your haircut and I think your singing's wack
Anyone who liked that must be smoking crack
Let's finally rid ourselves of this poser Ms. Glock
She is not a bad ass and she so does not rock

Chris S.
I don't know what happened- he just really blows
every word he sings comes right out of his nose
I don't mean to offend, I don't mean to be crass
but I have heard better noises come out of my ass

Melinda
I have to agree- not her personal best
yet she remains leagues above the rest
nothing bad can ever be said about Ms. Dolittle
I am not even bothered by the huge spray of spittle

Top 11: The Recap

Because I'm a dedicated servant to American Midol, I've decided to adopt some hard and fast recapping rules going forward. I'm really going to hold myself to them in the hopes of bringing you all a thorough yet entertaining episode recap each week. Are you ready? I hereby promise to down a bottle of white... or red -- all depends upon my appetite -- while watching the performance show. It's the least I can do to uphold the quality and sanctity of this blog. Wouldn't you agree? Thank you in advance for enabling me.

On with the show...

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Tell Him" by Billie Davis
Haley set out to "be more aggressive and not so sweet." Mission accomplished... although not exactly with her song styling. Or as Simon put it, "People are going to be talking about a lot more than your singing tonight." Word, Simon. Did you get a load of the gams on that girl?

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying" by Gerry and the Pacemakers
I didn't love this nearly as much as the judges did. They cited it as Chris's best performance to date. Perhaps I'm too busy focusing on how cute he is to accurately gauge the vocal quality but really, I wasn't all that impressed.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield
I really really wanted her to do well with this. I feel like Stephanie is talented but she's been cast aside and as such, is struggling with her confidence and her identity. Even though she looks, I don't know, 40, the chick is only 19. I think a lot of people forget that. I want her to hit her stride and have her moment. Alas, I think she's in the bottom three this week.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Time of the Season" by The Zombies
It didn't suck. That's about all the praise I can muster for Blake. He's a douche -- it's obvious -- so he'll get no further accolades from me.

Also, Blake picked a perfectly-crafted song and merely mimicked it, save for the occasional bit of his tired beatboxing. Yeah, he's confident and has swagger but I prefer Melinda's combination of skill and humility, thank you. It's official: Blake can suck it.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "Diamonds Are Forever" by Shirley Bassey
Okay, so LaKisha was decked out in a diamonds worth $1 million. I understand that tie-in. What I don't understand was the kelly green dress. Was that supposed to represent the color of money? Was she giving a shout out to all the bank tellers at her former job? If so, money is more of pine green color, no? Or, perhaps a nice shade of hunter? God, I'm beginning to sound like a J. Crew catalog. Moving on...

Phil Stacey
Performed: "Tobacco Road" by The Nashville Teens
Again, Phil's vocals failed to impress me. Instead, I focused on one thing and one thing only: "What was that crap all over his shirt?" Was he sweating? Did he roll around in Vaseline before getting dressed? I have questions, Phil.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "I Who Have Nothing" by Shirley Bassey
That was AWESOME. I have nothing more to add, except that I yelled at the TV a bit when Jordin told Lulu that she didn't have a boyfriend. When Lulu replied, "You're going to have plenty now!" I took the opportunity to tack on, "And a hot lesbo girlfriend too!"

It could happen. Shut up.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks
I'll give Sanjaya this much... at least he tried to put a little oomph into it. Did it succeed? Well, no. But at least he tried. Once again, though, my attention was rather divided during Sanjaya's performance. Although this time there was no creepy hula dancing or flat-ironed hair to blame. It was Ashley, the crying child, who drove me to distraction:

Ah unrequited, self-destructive, dead-end love... Something tells me Ashley is destined to be the next Grace.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones
Well, that sucked. I won't say any more out of fear of hurting Jess's feelings. She loves her some Gina, see.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "She's Not There" by The Zombies
Similar to the other Chris's performance, I thought this blew chunks and was quite baffled by the praise he received from the judges. Although, Paula, god damn her, was totally right when she criticized Chris's social retardation when dealing with the audience. I can't handle this whole agreeing with Paula thing. I really can't. Fuck you, Chris. It's your fault.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "As Long As He Needs Me" from the musical, Oliver!
Once again, Melinda turned in a controlled, nuanced performance. Although, she did let fly with a rather generous spray of spit at one point which, in retrospect, was not very controlled at all. Whatever, it was gross but Melinda can still do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. She rules.

Speaking of waterworks, Melinda even inspired another crying fit in Ashley, the disturbed child. Behold:

That girl even got a curtain call during the end credits. Who's HER daddy?! I did notice this pissed-off little girl observing Ashley's sobbing hug-fest with the Idol wannabes...

I can't quite tell by the expression on that girl's face if she's put off by Ashley's display of emotion or if she's thinking, "Who's a big sign-toting girl gotta hump to get some face time with some Idols around here?" I'm guessing it's the latter.

Predictions: Phil, Stephanie... and dare I say it? Sanjaya are in the Bottom 3 but it's Stephanie who is going home this week. Also, I think Ashley will be heavily medicated very very soon.

Monday News Update

That Was Pitchy for Me, Dawg
Are you like me? Do you often find yourself exclaiming, "Whatcoo tawkin' bout, Randy Jackson?" when the vocab-challenged judge launches into one of his rambling critiques that goes on forever even though it's comprised of only about three different words shuffled around and repeated ad nauseum? Yeah, I thought so. But believe it or not, one of his favored phrases -- pitchy -- is actually a valid statement! This is about as disturbing as Paula's recent spell of lucidity. (People)

Haley Scarnato Is -- Ew -- Wearing Katharine McPhee's Old Extensions
As a kid who grew up wearing my older sisters' hand-me-downs, I'm really in no position to criticize when someone else gets extra mileage out of, say, a pair of culottes, but -- and I never thought I'd have to say this -- I have to draw the line at used hair. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell Is a Sunday Driver
While Simon may boast of cutting verbal slaps and an unparalleled collection of V-necks, he ain't all that impressive on the race track, according to Mario Andretti and a couple of other racing dudes I don't know and can't be bothered to look up. (People)

LaKisha Tops the Power List
Entertainment Weekly thinks LaKisha's poised to win the competition. Never let it be said they're not a bunch of risk takers, those folks at EW.

Jennifer Hudson Sets the Records Straight
Hudson took to MySpace to dispel rumors that she's become a big ol' diva in the wake of her Oscar win. Fair enough. However, in doing so, she inadvertently revealed her true and irrefutable shortcomings: poor punctuation and an appalling lack of subject/verb agreement. Isn't she from Chicago, the very city with a whole Manual of Style named after it?! Someone check that bitch's birth certificate. (The Post Chronicle)

Idols Saturate the Airwaves
Today's New York Daily News ranks former Idol contestants according to the number of times their songs have been played on the radio. Kelly Clarkson naturally tops the list while Chris Daughtry comes in at number 8. What's notable about the latter's ranking, you ask? Uh, Josh Gracin is #3! Just to break it down for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake, Forgettable Season 2 reject, Joshua Gracin, gets more airtime than the high and mighty Chris Daughtry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to point and laugh at him. Care to join me?

Friday News Update

India Determines the Next American Idol?
This is all rumor, to be sure, but some sites are claiming that outsourced tech support workers in India may be using their speed-dialing capabilities to keep Sanjaya Malakar on the show. Not that I really believe it or anything -- I mean, we are talking about the same American public that crowned Taylor Hicks their American Idol last year, and buy Chris Daughtry's albums. Still, it's fun to spread unfounded, racially paranoid gossip! And don't miss the photo of Sanjaya's big sis in her Hooters uniform. (Tabloid Baby)

Kiki and Sanjaya BFFs
Speaking of Sanjaya, LaKisha Jones has taken the young lad under her wing, telling him not to listen to what anybody says and to keep doing his thing. I agree with this advice -- the more he does his thing, the less time he'll have left on the show. (TMZ)

Ryan Seacrest is Straight
Hilarious video of Seacrest's "straightest" moments. (Gawker)

Antonella Barba's Finest Moments
Do you sometimes lie in bed at night wishing you could hear Antonella Barba's rendition of Don't Want to Miss a Thing just one more time? But you erased it from your DVR. What now? That my friends, is what MySpace is for.

Taylor to KFC: No Way!
Taylor Hicks dropped 22 pounds since he's been off the show. How did he do it? More exercise, less fried chicken. In other news, Taylor Hicks is still retarded, still lying about being 30, and still has bad hair.

Simon Says No to Kinky Couple
In a 60 Minutes interview set to air on March 18th, Simon tells Anderson Cooper about a couple that invited Simon over to critique their lovemaking (ew, I said lovemaking) for $100,000. He didn't do it, but wishes he had just for the story. And I don't blame him. You should hear my stories about watching couples do each other. They're a huge hit at baptisms and wakes.

Top 12: The Recap

The Top 12 mangled, er, I mean sang the songs of one Ms. Diana Ross. Here's a rundown of tonight's mixed bag of crap and cool:

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Can't Hurry Love"
Um, did Brandon even sing tonight? 'Cause I don't remember it. Let's just go ahead and put Brandon in the Bottom Three, shall we?

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "Home"
Yet another masterful performance by the lovely Melinda. I love love LOVE the fact that she welled up when she heard the applause in the bigger auditorium. It genuinely and sincerely blew her away. What a moment for her! I'm glad she was given a little time to bask in it.

But do you know what I love even more? Paula had her first crying fit! This means some much-needed activity in The Scattergram.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Endless Love"
I didn't think it possible to make this song suck, but suck it did. I sort of understand why Chris tried to change it up since the judges have criticized contestants for not adding anything new and interesting when they dared tackle divas like Whitney, Mariah and Celine in the past. But dude, this was bad.

However, I don't know if I agree with blaming the contestants for the sorry arrangements, as was the recurring theme tonight. It seems Chris and the others had significant input but methinks Rickey Minor could have exerted some of his own influence a bit more to make the songs not, you know, suck balls.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Love Child"
I just knew she'd sing this song. I smelled it from a mile away. This is not a song just anyone should attempt. It demands passion, experience, depth and mileage that Gina just does not have. Barring that, it requires a set of brass ones and well, Gina does seem to be equipped in this regard.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"
Can we all please agree to stop voting for this kid? If not, we're going to have keep looking at gruesome images like this:

Stop the torture. Please. Seriously, stop.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Missing You"
Believe it or not, I'm going to side with Simon on this one... I don't think Haley screwed it up that bad tonight. Yeah, she forgot the words and got flustered but, for the first time, I detected a nice tone in her voice and she actually showed some personality after Simon complimented her. Personally, I think he overpraised her a little bit as a make-good for last week's "I don't remember your name" insult but still, she definitely improved over her previous performances. Even so, I think she's in the Bottom Three.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me"
Recapping Phil's performance would require me to think about him and when I do that, I have to go to a dark, scary place. And I don't wanna. Don't make me.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "God Bless the Child"
I liked this. I did not, however, like the dress. The vocal was really good but I couldn't really dig in and enjoy it fully because of that white mass on my TV screen. That dress was downright menacing.

Like, it was cool that Diana Ross offered LaKisha some wardrobe suggestions but I just wish she stressed one very important point in particular: White is not at all slimming, Kiki. Not.at.all.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "You Keep Me Hangin' On"
Uh, was I supposed to be all blown away by that? I know that's what Blake was going for and totally expecting. In fact, it looked like he was getting ready for a shower of effusive praise and flowing Paula tears but what he got instead was a rather tepid response.

No doubt he and Gina are moisturizing their chapped asses with lots of Vaseline tonight. Ew, that was a gross visual. Sorry.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "Love Hangover"
Stephanie's voice showed a smooth yet textured quality to it tonight that I hadn't detected before. I was waiting patiently for the tempo shift where she could really let rip but it never happened. Bummer because I think she could have finally established herself. Instead, I fear she's earned a spot in the Bottom Three.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "The Boss"
Okay, so his voice was all over the place and it kind of sucked. I don't care. He's still cute and I love him.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "If We Hold On Together"
Again, I'm with Simon. It was a "gooey" song but she made it work. And did I mention she's beautiful? And stunning? And lovely? It's official: I'm smitten. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy her flowers.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Brandon, Haley and Stephanie
Going Home: Brandon

The Top 12: Love It or Leave It

Well, you've gone and done it now, America. Here's the Top 12 you helped select:

1. Lakisha Jones
2. Blake Lewis
3. Chris Sligh
4. Jordin Sparks
5. Phil Stacey
6. Melinda Doolittle
7. Brandon Rogers
8. Chris Richardson
9. Gina Glocksen
10. Stephanie Edwards
11. Haley Scarnato
12. Sanjaya Malakar

Since Jess did such a kick-ass job recapping the results show, I don't need to! Score! Instead, here are a few select visuals from tonight's episode:

Up first is Jared Cotter acting like a complete douche when informed of his dismissal...

Yo mama, Jared. Yo.mama.

Up next is Paula's stunned response to Sabrina Sloan's ouster...

Coincidentally, I've made that very same face several times this week when I found myself agreeing with Paula's comments.

And here we have Haley Scarnato all crying and shocked-looking, primarily because she knows she's a big ol' waste of space...

Last night, I remarked that Haley had a Marie Osmond thing going on. Tonight's look was reminiscent of a Carol Seaver-era Tracy Gold. What does that have to do with anything, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine.

Lastly, we have Sanjaya Malakar eyeing up Paula after she indirectly expressed dismay at his inclusion in the Top 12...

I'm not going to lie to you... I'm more than a little impressed with the "Bitch, I'll cut you!" face Sanjaya's showing here. I'll be even more impressed if he acts on it. Do it, Sanjaya. DO IT!

Top 8 Girls: The Recap

Ah, much better than last night! Although, maybe it was the bottle of Riesling that I killed while watching tonight's show that made my enjoyment increase exponentially... Nah, the girls are just better. But that's kind of like saying that not scalding yourself with hot water is better than, uh, you know, scalding yourself with hot water.

Wow, I'm drunk.

Anyhoo, on with the show...

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "Heartbreaker" by Pat Benatar
Like, I know she's underage and stuff and it can totally get me thrown in jail but, dude, I love this girl. My crush is nowhere near the McPhee/Carrie Underwood level but still, I dig Jordin. She's beautiful and I would love to have just five minutes alone with her. I guarantee she'd emerge from that meeting with, at the very least, a few questions about her sexuality. The straight girls dig me, you see...

Anyhoo, I love that she tackled :: all bow :: Pat Benatar but I don't love what she did with the song. I wrote down "kind of manic" on my big yellow legal pad and was positively chuffed when Simon echoed my sentiments during his critique. Still, I think she has a lot of potential, a great personality and the precise amount of youthful exuberance that makes her enjoyable without being annoying.

Sabrina Sloan
Performed: "Don't Let Go" by En Vogue
This was kind of yelly. And I don't care for Sabrina's nose. But the curls? Well, I love those. The song, though, I don't recollect much if it which, perhaps, doesn't bode well for Sabrina. However, the night is still young and Antonella has yet to "sing."

Speak of the devil...

Antonella Barba
Performed: "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae
Antontella's secret is that she's been playing the violin since the age of four. And by playing the violin since the age of four she means... oh fuck it, the "Antonella is a whore" jokes are so played out. I'm not even going there. As for the song, it was better than her previous attempts but, well, see my scalding water example above.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "If My Heart Had Wings" by Melissa Manchester
Simon often uses the "That was like something you'd see in a theme park" criticism and sometimes, I don't really know what he's getting at. Tonight, however, I do. I really, really do. Except, Simon didn't apply that particular assessment tonight when really, he should have. I have been to every park with the Disney World logo slapped on it and that's precisely the type of cheese you'd see at, like, Epcot and that, my friends, is a very, very bad thing.

Also, I'm not sure if this is related or not, but I wrote "just like Marie Osmond" in my notes tonight. A cheesy, overly-earnest performance with syrupy song lyrics... Marie Osmond... Yup, sounds about right.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "Sweet Thing" by Chaka Khan
Stephanie told us that her secret was that she was shy as a child. If you ask me, her real secret is that she stole Fantasia's hairdo.

I can't really say any more about Stephanie because I used her performance as an opportunity to throw in a load of laundry and refill my glass of the aforementioned Riesling. Make of that what you will.

Lakisha Jones
Performed: "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston
Even though Lakisha dared to pick a song from the forbidden list, she at least did the song justice. I guess. I don't know. I hate that song. But she at least she didn't embarrass herself. And, honestly, it kind of touched my heart when Simon complimented Lakisha on her beauty tonight. Lest you think I'm going soft, I'll refer you to my previous mentions of wine consumption. That shit makes me schmoopie. While I'm loathe to part with my bitchy edge, wine is slightly less fattening than beer and as a weight-conscious alcoholic, I do what I can to cut calories here and there while still acquiring a decent buzz.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence
I didn't hate this, even though I'm not too keen on Gina. I don't despise her but Gina's in the same category of Blake -- she teeters on the edge of being an asshole. She's not quite there but there's serious potential.

I kind of like how she incorporated the band in her number though. She obviously knew the song well enough to know when to turn around, face the band dramatically and, uh, rock out as well as one can rock out to Evanescence.

You'll have to forgive my snobbery here because even though Evanescence could very well be legit, I have a default disdain for newer bands and their level of bad-assitude. That shit has to be earned over years in the spotlight. Evanescence is still too new to have respectable cred.

OMG, I just said "cred" in relation to a band's ability to rock. I'm not sure I like myself as wino. I'm not nearly this much of a music geek when I'm bombed on beer, I assure you.

Speaking of the band, who did the drummer blow to get this much camera time? As I recall, he received upwards of five close-ups during Nick Pedro's "Fever" last week. Rickey Minor cannot be happy about this. Uh, unless, of course, he was on the receiving end of said hummer...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "I'm a Woman" by Peggy Lee
I hope she wins the whole thing. I'll be sorely disappointed if she doesn't. She has the singing skills in conjunction with a refreshing lack of attitude that makes her a prime candidate to take the Idol crown.

Tonight's performance was stunning. She's simultaneously polished and rough around the edges and I love her for it. Her singing skills are stellar but at the same time, she possesses a vulnerable modesty that is so endearing. She's completely genuine yet profoundly talented. Offstage, she seems to be quiet and hesitant about the attention. Onstage, however, she just unloads and it's awesome in its contradiction and SO natural. I adore her.

Tonight, I think Melinda took a monumental leap forward from her status as a background singer, but at the same time, she managed to work her way to the back of the stage during her performance and align herself with the talented trio of backup singers and proceeded to sing to/with them briefly before strutting towards center stage. It was at once a respectful acknowledgement of who she once was and where's she's headed. Awesome.

Even though she didn't need it, I cast my vote for Melinda tonight because, at last, I'm finally inspired by someone in this boring ass competition.

Predictions: Haley's gone. Antonella should be right behind her but alas, that's probably not the case. Hmm, decisions, decisions... I'm guessing it's between Sabrina and Stephanie, which is completely bogus because they can both sing circles around that stupid shit from Point Pleasant. If Antonella was at least likable, I'd rally for her as an underdog but she's got the personality of a wet mop. And depending on her previous night's activities, probably the same smell as one. Ha! I kill me... But I digress, I think Stephanie will be right on the heels of Marie Osmond, er, I mean Haley.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 7

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 1.8 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: Paula's low Level o' Crazy probably has less to do with her getting her shit together and more to do with the level o' suck of most of this year's crop of hopefuls. Lakisha Jones and Melinda Doolittle have each made an impression so look to their performances in the weeks to come to spark tear-filled testimonials and spastic seal claps from Paula. She'll positively lose her shit if/when either of them land in the Bottom Three. Ditto for Brandon Rogers because he is this season's Designated Camera Fucker (DCM) and Paula seems contractually obligated to champion these types (i.e. Constantine Maroulis, Corey Clark and Justin Guarini).

Notes: This new-found clarity of Paula's is making for a pretty stagnant data line so to spice things up, we've added additional info: American Midol's Cranky Quotient (the red line). Each time Paula acts normal, our level of annoyance spikes. When she's a certified loon, we are in our giddy glory, as evidenced in the divergent lines above.

Also, we've decided to tweak the Paula Abdul Insanity Index graphic. When Paula's in the normal range (1-3), we'll show you a lucid, smiling Paula. As she enters the middle region (3-6), the graphic will change to depict her evolving state. When she's in the certifiable zone (7-10), we'll return to the sobbing Paula face which adequately displays her hysteria.

Until next time, think downward spiral!

Top 10 Girls Recap

I just had a startling realization. We have no rocker and no country singer this season on 'Idol.' Maybe that's why I'm so bored -- no diversity among the contestants really. Also, I would like to share with you the text message conversation I had with Little Brother last night during the show:

Me: Antonella Barba cannot sing.

LB: Who cares? Did you see those cans?

Me: You live in Long Island. Every girl looks like that.

LB: Fair enough, but they don't all have trashy pics posted on the Internet.

And thus he continues to support her. He even told me he'd be voting for her every week she remains on the show. So if she keeps assaulting my ears week after week, I'll blame him. And now, ladies and gentleman, your recap:

Gina Glocksen: Heart - 'Alone'
I know Gina is getting a lot of shit for doing this song after Carrie Underwood rocked it so hard. Whatever, I like Gina, I thought she did a great job and I dug the outfit.

Alaina Alexander: Dixie Chicks - 'Not Ready to Make Nice'
Alaina sucks, and she keeps proving it week after week. She's out of her league. Send her home.

Lakisha Jones: Gladys Knight - 'Midnight Train To Georgia'
One of my biggest and most frequent complaints about this show is that they haven't had someone who comes out week after week and just nails it since Kelly Clarkson. I'm sure I drive everyone crazy with my "Kelly Clarkson never had a bad performance" whining. Thank God for Lakisha Jones. She was awesome last night. I do agree with Simon on the outfit, though -- homegirl looked like she was about to run to the Target for some slingbacks.

Melinda Doolittle: Mitzi Green - 'My Funny Valentine'
Double thank God for Melinda! I love, love, love her. As Randy Jackson would say, she's da bomb, baby!

Antonella Barba: Celine Dion - 'Because You Loved Me'
Okay, seriously. Get this chick off the show. She cannot sing. She makes my ears bleed. She was like a 10-year-old at a talent show. Also, Antonella, you are not Jennifer Hudson. Don't compare yourself to her. She has talent. You have photographic evidence that you pee sitting down.

Jordin Sparks: Christina Aguilera - 'Reflection'
I love Jordin, but I hate this song and I hated her rendition of it. Still, she's adorable and likeable and I think she's drummed up enough support that she'll make it through this week.

Stephanie Edwards: Beyonce - 'Dangerously In Love'
I've never really understood this song. It's weird and complicated and all over the place and when I hear it, I just don't understand what it's trying to do. Still, I think Stephanie Edwards did it on par with Beyonce. I'm not sure it bodes well for her, though, that each week when they announce her name I think, "Wait, who's Stephanie Edwards again?"

Leslie Hunt: Nina Simone - 'Feeling Good'
Have we ever had a week where two people sang the same song? I dig Leslie and her superweirdness and her smoky voice, but it's hard not to compare her rendition to A.J.'s when he was so awesome. I worry for Leslie -- she's this season's Melissa McGhee

Haley Scarnato: Whitney Houston - 'Queen of the Night'
This was strange and screamy and her hair was awful and her outfit made her look like she was about to have a drink out on the lanai with Blanche Devereaux. And that's all I have to say about that.

Sabrina Sloan: Whitney Houston - 'He Fills Me Up'
Like I said before, Sabrina can sing -- no doubt about that. I don't like her, and it's completely irrational. I still don't think she exudes any sort of likable personality, and I'm not sure how much longer she's going to last. Also, every time I hear this song, I think he's filling me up with semen and it grosses me out.

Going home: Haley and Leslie
Should be going home: Antonella and Alaina

Top 12 Girls: Curly's Recap

Even though my esteemed colleagues have already delighted and enthralled you with their most excellent episode summaries, I thought I'd give you one more wee thrill for today because I'm generous and caring like that... unless you cross me and then the only thing I'll happily dish out is a hateful stare and a severe ass whuppin'.

Um, guess who forgot to take her meds today? Here's something to keep you occupied while I go hit the Duane Reade for some more happy pills:

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "How Come You Don't Call Me" by Alicia Keys
Maybe all those hours spent listening to my iPod on an extremely high volume have rendered me deaf but I didn't think Stephanie did all that well. Does she have stage presence and charisma? Absolutely! Does she have busted knees today? For sure! But I don't think she was as great as the judges made her out to be. I didn't like her approach to this song at all. It was too deliberate and forced for my liking. I don't hate her though and for that, I'm sure Stephanie is relieved. Aren't ya, Steph?

Amy Krebs
Performed: "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt
I have to agree with Mejack's husband on her choice of dress. It most definitely looked like drapes. Or a bedspread from the Holiday Inn. She's toast. Bye, Amy. You're going home.

Leslie Hunt
Performed: "Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin
I really wish Idol producers would banish this song. I'm tired of these hacks butchering it, particularly bouncy dog walkers without a stitch of soul. Seriously, don't smile and dance like a goof during a song that requires equal parts sass and attitude. This was painful for me to watch. Simon, as always, nailed it when he suggested that she was out of her comfort zone.

Sabrina Sloan
Performed: "I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)" by Aretha Franklin
Finally!!! Someone did Aretha right. This was beyond awesome. I love her voice and call me biased, but I'm also digging her curls. Good on ya, Sabrina.

Antonella Barba
Performed: "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith
Well, that sucked. However, I fear we're stuck with Antonella. In fact, I bet she's going to be like that Russian kid with the hole in his throat who stayed around far too long because gay men thought he was hot.

Oh, and Antonella? In answer to the question you posed to the judges, "What can I do better?" I have several suggestions. For example, might I suggest not sucking majorly? Yeah, that'll work. Dropping out of the competition and going home is also an equally acceptable answer.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "Gimme One Reason" by Tracy Chapman
I love Jordin. In fact, she's my female equivalent of Chris Richardson. She can do no wrong. Unless either of them sing something from Creed or Anne Murray and then I'll abandon them right quick.

Nicole Tranquillo
Performed: "Stay" by Chaka Khan
What the hell was that?! Nicole, you're a honkey from Pennsylvania. And a voice major! Who told you to try to crack the urban market? Liking Chaka Khan is not license to sing her songs. Hell, I like Maria Callas but you don't hear me busting out any arias, do you? Well, I do but it's only when I'm in the shower or really drunk. Sometimes both. My muddled point is: Know your limits, dumb ass. Oh and stop dancing like a spaz. Class dismissed.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion
I really have nothing to say other than that I vote Haley as Most Likely to Headline a Show on the Norwegian Dawn.

Melinda Doolittle
"Since You've Been Gone" by Aretha Franklin
That kicked ass and for the rest of the season, I pity anyone who has to follow Melinda. Except maybe Lakisha Jones. Oh man, can you imagine a duet between those two?!?

Alaina Alexander
Performed: "Brass in Pocket" by The Pretenders
What did The Pretenders ever do to you, Alaina? Clearly something very wrong judging by the way you shit all over one of their best songs. Shameful! But even worse than that sin, if you can imagine it, were your dopey rim shot and "Call me!" gestures. Unforgivable. It's official: I hate you and you look like one of the chicks from Kissing Jessica Stein and I hate that movie too. In other words, I've got it in for you.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "All By Myself" by Celine Dion
I'm not really feeling Gina. Although, she was perhaps the one white girl of the evening who didn't suck total ass. I can't say I hate her but like Blake, she could easily venture into asshole territory. Proceed with caution, Gina, or you'll end up like Alaina and really, is there a worse fate than being on Curly McDimple's Shit List? I think not.

Lakisha Jones
Performed: "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holiday
That was hot. It will be really interesting though to see how Lakisha handles the weekly themes, particularly country music. Lakisha can blow but I'm curious to see if she can dial down the big voice and deliver a more subtle performance here and there. Wow, I just sounded all fancy and professional and shit. If no one else, I just impressed myself.

Predictions:
Say goodbye to Hollywood, Nicole Tranquillo and Amy Krebs.

More Thoughts

You know what's funny? Going into the semifinals, I really thought we had a lot of strong boys and a lot of weak girls. Turns out, that's not the case, because the girls rocked the motherfucking house last night! I agree with Mejack on the NADS thing, too. Here's my rundown:

Stephanie Edwards, "How Come You Don't Call Me": I seem to be the only one who thought this, but it felt like her lyrics weren't in the right place. Like, she was either singing too fast or too slow. Overall, though, I thought she did a good job.

Amy Krebs, "I Can't Make You Love Me": Who? What? I'm sorry, but I don't remember this Amy Krebs person you speak of.

Leslie Hunt, "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman": I agree with Randy that the song was too big for her. I also agreed with what Simon was trying to say, which is that she seemed uncomfortable. However, I dig her voice and I dig the fact that she's super-weird, and I hope she makes it through this week and really brings it next week.

Sabrina Sloan, "Never Loved a Man the Way That I Love You": Okay, yeah, whatever. Sabrina has a great voice, she hit all the notes, and yet I really don't care. She's talented, but I don't think she has the type of personality that will really make people connect with her and want to vote for her.

Antonella Barba, "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing": Worst. Song. Choice. Ever. After hearing her butcher Aerosmith, I really think she's out of her league in the competition. Also, the local FOX news station was supposed to be doing a story about her racy photos, but they mysteriously had "technical problems" and couldn't bring us the story. They're also based in Jersey. Coincidence? Hm…

Jordin Sparks, "Gimme One Reason": Awesome. Perfect. I hope she doesn't flame out halfway through the season like Lisa Tucker, last year's baby, did.

Nicole Tranquillo, "Stay": Awful and screamy and scary and the only thing I hated more than watching her scrunch her face up in rage was listening to her angrily shout lyrics at me. I was surprised that the judges weren't harsher. If I were Simon, I would have replaced "indulgent" with "horrifying."

Haley Scarnato, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now": Embarrassing confession: I love this song. I really do. It's a guilty pleasure. Keep in mind I listen to Pantera and Slayer and shit usually, which makes it even odder that I dig it. Anyway, I did not love it when Haley sang it. And I also scribbled this down as I was watching: What is she wearing? Is that PANTS? OMG, it's pants!

Melinda Doolittle, "Since You Been Gone": Honestly, how can you not root for Melinda Doolittle? Even the coldest, blackest of hearts (like mine) would have to warm over and brighten up when she performed. She might be the nicest person on Earth, and she's talented to boot. I tried to vote for her multiple times but couldn't get through.

Alaina Alexander, "Brass in Pocket": Alaina's cute and she has a good story, but I've never really been wowed by her vocally. Last night I thought she was just dreadful.

Gina Glocksen, "All By Myself": Hate the song, loved her. I honestly didn't think homegirl could sing like that. But WTF was Randy talking about when he said, "Big girl, big voice!" I'd hardly describe Gina as a "big" girl. Stop projecting your fatness onto others, Randy.

Lakisha Jones, "And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going": Did anyone notice all the wink-wink-nudge-nudge between Simon and Ryan when Ryan mentioned Jennifer Hudson before this song? I thought that was interesting, and I'm sure they had a good laugh about it while they shared a post-coital cigarette. Seriously, the two of them and their flirting is out of hand this season. Anyway, Lakisha, like all the big black girls who came before her, rocked the house. She was awesome. If she doesn't start hating on the gays and preaching about Jesus like Mandisa did last season, she might stay a crowd favorite.

My predictions? Amy and Haley are going home. If I had my way, though, it would be Antonella and Alaina. Unfortunately, Dial Idol has Antonella in the top three.

girls rule

Before I get into it I have something to say to the American Idol Establishment.

ENOUGH ALREADY with the "my parents are finally proud of me" sob story. It has been DONE AND DONE AND DONE. I am OVER IT.

Thank you.

So tonight. I think it suffices to say that the girls kicked the boys squarely in the nads. IN THE NADS.


Stephanie: Started off with the weepy parents-being-proud thing which made me not want to like her but she was really very good. I am wondering if she broke her knee caps after all was said and done.


Amy : My husband said "She is wearing my grandmother's drapes" Simon said she was forgettable. And he was right. I don't remember what she sang.

Leslie: That crazy bitch scares me and her outfit was like a equestrian jumper/streetwalker hooker boots science experiment gone awry. Her dancing was weird and herky jerky. It looked like she was doing the monster mash.


Sabrina: Well done.

Antonella: Ouch. Why WHY WHY WHY did she pick that stupid Aerosmith song? That was just rough all around and the judges were brutal. I got kind of mad actually, because, as I mentioned, she does look like my cousin Carmella and I felt like they were messing with Mi Cugina.

Jordan Sparks: Way to go. Spicing up a Tracy Chapman song is like spicing up wonderbread. Stellar effort.

Nicole: What the HELL WAS THAT? My husband remarked "Look, her dad is dancing. He must have written this song". Exactly. That was painful.

Haley: Sigh. I HATE THAT SONG. This chicken lists CELINE DION as her "American Idol" on her official profile.

CELINE IS AN EVIL CANADIAN CHEST BEATING ALIEN THAT MARRIED AN EIGHTY YEAR OLD MIND CONTROLLING SVENGALI.

That, people, is NOT someone to idolize. Unless, of course, Svengali Rene's evil mind control plan is working.

Melinda: I just adore this woman. I absolutely love her. My husband declared she was his favorite and he hates everyone.


Alaina: DON'T FUCKING SING THE PRETENDERS. Just don't. No one can touch Chrissie Hynde and trying to cover one of her songs is setting yourself up for a failure of massive proportions. Simon told Alaina that she has to depend on her looks. I think his weiner was angry.

Gina: You know, she sang pretty well but I want to punch her in her smug fucking face. I don't like her at all. Maybe I will eventually change my mind about her but as of right now I think my husband summed it up nicely- he said "I would not swerve if she jumped in front of my car" Yeah.

Lakisha: You rock on with your bad self, mama. Lakisha is up in the hizzy and goddamn she turned this mother out.

Predictions?

Nicole and Amy. OUT!