The Finale: The Recap

In the immortal words of Barry Manilow... looks like we maaaaaaaaaade it! Finally! Sweet Jesus, this season took long enough to wrap up. It started out promising but it quickly descended into a steaming pile of poop and never quite recovered.

Speaking of a pile o' poop, let's discuss the two-hour finale, shall we?

The evening started out on a dubious note with Blake and Jordin performing a lifeless duet of "I Saw Her Standing There." Then Ryan introduced Gwen Stefani who was beamed in via satellite (although, it could have been pre-taped because the show is just that shady).

Gwen then warbled "4 In The Morning" while sporting a bunched-up frock that looked like it got stuck in her pantyhose when she visited the little girl's room. Not attractive.

Next up was the first in a series of painful Golden Idol Awards. Why? Why must we be tortured with this bullshit? Anyhoo, a yellow feather-clad Margaret Fowler took home the prize for "Best Presentation" and then proceeded to dry hump Ryan Seacrest in a most disturbing fashion...

Ew. I may never recover.

Then Smokey Robinson sang a couple of ditties with the Top 6 guys. I guess it sounded good. I can't say for sure because I was too busy scrutinizing Phil Stacey's suspect dance moves. Man, he sucks.

Up next, Blake and Doug E. Fresh engaged in a wee bit o' -- quelle surprise -- beatboxing...

Actually, if I'm being honest, I didn't think it was all that bad.

Then there was some other Golden Idol Award crap that I don't feel like discussing further.

Gladys Knight and Tony Bennett then swooped in (separately) and lent an air of class to the proceedings.

As Ryan introduced Tony Bennett, we got a glimpse of Constantine Maroulis who once again fucked the camera with his patented beady eyes/pursed lips combo. If that wasn't bad enough, the director cut to a shot of an applauding Justin Guarani who managed to look slimy even when appreciatively clapping for a legend such as Tony Bennett. Douche.

And then yet another unfunny Golden Idol Award where we witnessed Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth "Bush Baby" Briggs receving the "Best Buddies" trophy...

Because, apparently, these two easy targets weren't exploited enough during the auditions back in January, they had to be trotted out once again for a bit more ribbing in front of an audience of millions. It was bordering on cruel.

Up next was Melinda Doolittle singing about Jesus or turning on the lights or some such with CeCe and BeBe Winans. Then Jordin and Blake were informed by Ryan that they were each getting a Mustang courtesy of Ford. Blake then did a Borat impersonation that firmly cemented my hatred of him. Blake, not Borat. I adore Borat. I just hate young guys who impersonate him, you see. Ditto for people who do Pee Wee Herman impressions. I really hate people who do that.

And then we reached my favorite part of the whole show -- the African Children's Choir...

I adore these kids to no end. Look at their faces! Their energy and exuberance are completely infectious. I love them.

However, that good will was short-lived because a few minutes later, Sanjaya took the stage and once again desecrated "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. This time with the aid of Aerosmith's Joe Perry. What did Ray Davies ever do to you, Joe Perry?!! Shame on you!

And once again, Ashley Ferl, the infamous Crying Girl, was there and, as usual, she was in hysterics. Somebody medicate that kid. Now.

Adding insult to injury, Taylor Hicks then took the stage and tarded his way through "Heaven Knows" effectively draining what little joy and enthusiasm I had left in me. However, I did derive some pleasure by snapping this photo of Taylor where I captured him in full Stroke Mouth glory...

Up next Jordin Sparks and Ruben Studdard performed "You're All I Need to Get By." So wait a second... Blake gets to perform with an accomplished performer like Doug E. Fresh and Jordin has to settle for the least remarkable Idol winner ever? How is that fair? First, the producers make her sing a lame Donna Summer song last week and now this? Why do they hate her so? Why?

Then Bette Midler came out and sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" and I fast forwarded it because while I'm down with the Divine Miss M, I really don't ever need to hear that song ever again. Seriously, does anyone still have a real jones for this tune?

Oh wait, it turns out Jerry Springer does! So much so that he was moved to tears...

Dude, even The Hoff didn't cry this year. Pussy.

Then there was a tribute to The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" album. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It was just... random, for lack of a better word. I know they were celebrating the album's 40th anniversary but the lineup, transitions, etc. were just weird and kind of jarring, complete with Taylor pantomiming taking a bullet to the head during "A Day in the Life." Pity he was only "acting."

However, I will say that Kelly Clarkson did an admirable job with the titular song accompanied by Joe Perry who redeemed himself after his earlier Kinks infraction... I guess.

And then, finally, we reached the end of this exhausting marathon where we were rewarded with a proper and just outcome... uh, you know, considering our choices...

Ha ha! Suck on it, Blake.

That's it for now but don't start your blubbering just yet because we still have a few things to sort out. I'll have a Season 6 wrap-up in the days to come plus a final installment of The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram before we start winding things down for the season.

After that, feel free to bawl away.

Monday News Update

That Was Pitchy for Me, Dawg
Are you like me? Do you often find yourself exclaiming, "Whatcoo tawkin' bout, Randy Jackson?" when the vocab-challenged judge launches into one of his rambling critiques that goes on forever even though it's comprised of only about three different words shuffled around and repeated ad nauseum? Yeah, I thought so. But believe it or not, one of his favored phrases -- pitchy -- is actually a valid statement! This is about as disturbing as Paula's recent spell of lucidity. (People)

Haley Scarnato Is -- Ew -- Wearing Katharine McPhee's Old Extensions
As a kid who grew up wearing my older sisters' hand-me-downs, I'm really in no position to criticize when someone else gets extra mileage out of, say, a pair of culottes, but -- and I never thought I'd have to say this -- I have to draw the line at used hair. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell Is a Sunday Driver
While Simon may boast of cutting verbal slaps and an unparalleled collection of V-necks, he ain't all that impressive on the race track, according to Mario Andretti and a couple of other racing dudes I don't know and can't be bothered to look up. (People)

LaKisha Tops the Power List
Entertainment Weekly thinks LaKisha's poised to win the competition. Never let it be said they're not a bunch of risk takers, those folks at EW.

Jennifer Hudson Sets the Records Straight
Hudson took to MySpace to dispel rumors that she's become a big ol' diva in the wake of her Oscar win. Fair enough. However, in doing so, she inadvertently revealed her true and irrefutable shortcomings: poor punctuation and an appalling lack of subject/verb agreement. Isn't she from Chicago, the very city with a whole Manual of Style named after it?! Someone check that bitch's birth certificate. (The Post Chronicle)

Idols Saturate the Airwaves
Today's New York Daily News ranks former Idol contestants according to the number of times their songs have been played on the radio. Kelly Clarkson naturally tops the list while Chris Daughtry comes in at number 8. What's notable about the latter's ranking, you ask? Uh, Josh Gracin is #3! Just to break it down for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake, Forgettable Season 2 reject, Joshua Gracin, gets more airtime than the high and mighty Chris Daughtry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to point and laugh at him. Care to join me?

Smack Talking Simon

Simon Trashes Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Hicks

Dude. I am like a gumshoe supersleuth when it comes to picking up these nuances in People Magazine articles.

It is interesting to note that all of the former contestants he names as "standouts from the beginning" only include those that have either made a return appearance on the show or have credited American Idol for jump starting their career.

Simon also pointed out how Jennifer Hudson and Taylor Hicks would be basically nothing without him the show. Homeboy even went as far to say that Kelly Clarkson was not a strong contender until mid-season. (You know Jess is going to have to cut a bitch after she hears that one.) It is amazingly coincidental that these particular former contestants are those who have not paid much mind to Idol since their departure. OR IS IT?

Simon, I do wish you would remove this cloak of bitterness and resume wearing your smoky charcoal V-necks.

Photo: answers.com

News Brief

Are you excited for the top 12 boys tonight? I am SO motherfucking excited. In fact, I may even skip yoga and watch in real time. That's dedication, yo. Anyway, onto today's news:

Kelly Clarkson thinks Britney Spears is still hot with her bald head. I agree to a point -- it's a vast improvement over that busted up weave, but I'm not sure I'd go so far as "hot." (All Headline News)

Nigel Lithgoe says there's a big twist coming up, and it's not the much-talked-about songwriting competition. I'm thinking Paula Abdul doing kegstands halfway through every program. Oh wait, no. Paula's never been drunk. EVER. (TV Grapevine)

Simon Cowell hates kids, marriage. (Daily Mail)

Ayla Brown discusses song choices, outfits, and gives some advice to the Top 24. (Boston Herald)

If you got a busy signal while trying to place your vote for Taylor Hicks last season, you're not alone. Also, I think I might hate you. Here, a look at why the phone lines are so clogged up. (Forbes)

Michael Jackson and Nigel Lithgoe dispel rumors that Jacko's going to be on the show this season. I am so, so happy that I don't have to cringe my way through that freakshow. (Celebrity Spider)

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

Greetings, minions. Not too much in the way of news today. Anna Nicole Smith is dominating the headlines so I have no choice but to be brief. No whining! There's more to come tomorrow. Until then...

There's a rather tasty blind item in The Back Row column in today's issue of the Daily News...

What former American Idol is up to their nose in bad behavior? Friends were amazed at a high-profile fashion week after-party at how much fairy dust the crooner put away.

Hmmm... Jess and I spotted Katharine McPhee and Jim Verraros at the Marc Jacobs show on Monday night. MJ is rather high-profile so it follows that his after-party would be as well, no? Interesting. Very interesting.

Kat's got her share of issues but I don't think blowing rails in public is among them. Now I'm not saying Jim is necessarily the culprit here because for all I know, there were a gaggle of Idol cast-offs running amok during Fashion Week that I didn't see up and close and personal. Still, I think it's a safe bet. Any other guesses?

Okay, moving on to less inflammatory things that won't get our asses sued... Season Five's Bucky Covington has no beef with Simon Cowell nor his cranky critiques. Quite the contrary, he graciously took his lumps and is enjoying the fame the show helped him achieve. Hear that Jennifer "I was misquoted!" Hudson?! That's what you call gratitude and not being a dumb bitch. Look into it. (People.com)

Ebony Jointer, she of the waitress outfit/roller skates/two less-talented hangers-on combo in last night's final round of auditions is not a complete entertainment neophyte as it turns out. Girlfriend actually hit the gridiron with the Chicago Bliss, a Lingerie Football League team back in 2005. (Note to self: Do thorough Google image search of those photos. How did I not know about this?!)

Ebony's also been seen on America's Next Top Model and had a small role in Pauly Shore Is Dead. Scandalous! A Pauly Shore movie, Ebony? Seriously? (TMZ.com via RealityTVMagazine.com)

And finally, this is not technically news... except to those who know me and how snobby I am about my mp3 collection but I, Curly McDimple, just downloaded the Jason Nevins Rock da Club Edit of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and I am, as we speak, rocking out like it's my job. Trust me, it's hot.

Photo: FOX

Better Late Than Never Newsbrief

As if I needed an excuse to be even crankier on this blog (and in real life, if I'm being honest), I've been engaged in a frustrating battle with my Internet connection for the past several hours and I.am.not.happy.about.it. The error pages and slow page loads have left me feeling extra salty. But it's your lucky day because I'm funneling my inner bitch into today's daily news digest. So, buckle up, bitches.

"We're no crueler this year," claim the Idol judges and producers in response to criticism that they've been too aggressive in the new asshole-tearing they've been doing this season. In other words, they've always been skewering Special Olympians from day one. Oh, I see. It's just that us assmunches didn't notice until now. Gotcha. (People.com; Reality Blurred)

If you're feeling a tad nosy, fire up your iTunes and check out the playlists of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Chris Daughtry, Kellie Pickler, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood, Bo Bice and even Randy Jackson.

Surprisingly, no Journey was included in the latter's list. You tricked me, dawg! I was totally expecting some "Wheel in the Sky." Actually, no... that's not true. How silly of me. Randy didn't play bass on that track so why would he include it? I guess I meant to say that I was totally expecting some latter-day Journey that Randy played bass on. Um, I'd cite specific song titles and albums but really, do you even care? I sure as hell don't.

Once again Pickler proves that she's a dumb ass of monumental proportions. See, she first earned this distinction with her (albeit short-lived) dalliance with Constantine "My Chin Looks Just Like My Ass" Maroulis. She's now firmly cemented on my shit list thanks to the inclusion of one of her own tracks in her iTunes playlist.

So, to put this in perspective, no one else in that self-absorbed roster committed this crime. Just Kellie.

In case you're a little slow on the uptake, what I'm trying to say is that Pickler managed to make Randy "When I'm in the Studio with Mariah" Jackson look the model of humble restraint. Someone give me a billy-club, a darkened alley and five minutes alone with Pickler. Please? (iTunes Store; software download required for you Amish readers who don't have iTunes installed already.)

Citizens of Texas, you can go ahead and get your knickers out of that a knot they're in. Contrary to popular belief, Carrie Underwood and Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, are NOT sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. So, y'all can stop blaming her for distracting the QB and causing an early playoff exit. The real reason you're not going to the Super Bowl is because... uh... oh, fuck it. I hate football and I can't even pretend to give a shit. So let's just dispense with the trash talk and say that your team sucks and that'll be the end of it, okay? Move on. (National Ledger)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Newsbrief

Kelly Clarkson is the new face of NASCAR, y'all. If I actually gave a rat's ass, I'd take the time to find out who the old face of NASCAR was. But I really, really don't. I cannot stress that enough. (Reality TV World)

Season 6 wasted no time producing its first convict. Thomas Daniels, the dude I think looks like Lionel from The Jeffersons, was nabbed for a DUI in 2004 as well as a hit-and-run the following year.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if Tommy does make it to the finals, he will NOT be featured in any of those retarded Ford Focus commercials. All his costars will have to prance around and make asses of themselves and he'll be spared. Not the way I would have gone about it, but well done just the same, Tommy! (TMZ)

Speaking of oppressive product placement, Dreyer's Ice Cream is running an Idol-style contest for its Slow Churned Lite line of ice cream. Idol viewers and anyone bored enough are invited to vote for one of five new flavors (Hollywood Cheesecake, Soulful Sundae Cone, Choc 'n Roll Caramel, Take the Cake or Triple Talent). Gawd, those names! The favorite flavor will be sent to the "finals" and then forced to sing sappy ballads while legally bound to an iron-clad, soul-crushing contract, no doubt.

You know, part of me wants to slap this campaign with a big ol' "DUH!" but I won't because, well, I'm kind of hoping Dreyer's hooks me up with some free ice cream. Yes, I can be bought. Cheap. (Slashfood)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

I Didn't Wait a Lifetime for a Moment Like This

I'm a little late to the game on the relatively new music the 'Idol' kids are putting out. Luckily, AOL Music has all sorts of tracks to listen to from Chris Daughtry and Katharine McPhee today. Here's what I think of them. Then, if you're as behind as I am, you can listen and decide for yourself.

Daughtry. I actually don't hate "Home," the first song. I do, however, think it sounds like every single power balled written between 1986 and 1992. But I was a fan of the power ballads. Hell, I even made a mix tape of them that I played Every. Single. Time. my high school boyfriend and I made out. I'm sure he loved that. The second song, which is his first single, "It's Not Over," bored me to tears. And then I had to stop listening. Chris Daughtry is pretty. I shouldn't find him so boring. I love little bald dudes. There's just, I don't know, something missing. Charisma? Personality? A chromosome? Hell if I know.

Now, onto McPhee. Now, I don't love her the way Curly does, and I don't hate her the way Mejack does. I'm more indifferent than anything else, although I think she has very pretty hair and I would kill to have her makeup person go at my face. I'm not really digging "Over It," which is the first single. It's a little… watered-down I guess is how I would describe it. I most definitely do not want to start shaking my ass at my desk at work. And that's a bad sign, because if you know me, you know I love to shake my ass at my desk at work. Ditto on "Each Other," and that's enough listening to crap for me this afternoon.

If I'm forcing myself to say something nice, I'll say this. Both of those songs could kick the ass of "A Moment Like This," and look at Kelly Clarkson now. Anything can happen.

Watch Chris Daughtry

Listen to Katharine McPhee

What do you think? Also, 14 Days!