Morning After News Update

Well folks, it’s over. Can’t say I’m going to miss it. I’ve been a little MIA lately, due to starting a new job, quitting said job, going to Belize and then dealing with what travelers to Central America frequently deal with when they drink margaritas that have ice in them that was full of bacteria that their fragile digestive systems are not used to. TMI? Maybe, but it could have been a lot worse. Anyway, Jordin Sparks won! Yay Jordin! Actually, I don’t much care that Jordin won, because Melinda Dolittle was my homegirl, but I am full of glee that Blake Lewis DIDN’T win.

Without further ado, here’s your news. We’re going to continue to do news here at Midol, with frequency dictated by actual amount of news, my motivation level, and how much I’ve had to drink the night before.

Why Blake Lost
Because he wasn’t the best singer. Shocking, I know. Also, because he was a giant douche. Okay, that bit isn’t in the article, but I felt that it needed to be said. Also? No one born with a penis should ever wear a glittery argyle sweater vest. I stand by that. (Foxes on Idol)

Best of Season 6
Consider yourself warned – the “best of” is just as boring as the rest of the season was. Better luck next year! (Reality TV Magazine)

Idol: Losing its Edge?
A deconstruction of season 6, and the impact Idol will have on the, uh, 2008 election? Yeah, I don’t know, either. (Newsweek)

Simon Says, “Later, bitches!”
Simon Cowell shocked the world and the very fabric of the lives of everyone who lives in it by telling Extra that he plans to leave the show. IN THREE YEARS. Yeah, not exactly earth-shattering, that. Another season like this one and he might have to bail after two. (Hollywood.com)

Clyde Pickler Loves the Pokey
Kelly’s daddy is facing four felony theft charges after stealing a buttload of cars last week. I don’t know about you, but if I was a convicted felon on parole with a marginally famous daughter, I’d think that was a good idea, too. (ImediNews)

Thanks for tuning in, folks. Our long national nightmare is now over.

Friday News Update... on Saturday

So yeah, I'm bringing you yesterday's news update today. How bad ass am I? Actually, tired as all fuck is the more accurate term. Pardon the missed deadline. Mama had a case of the exhaustion, you see.

Okay, enough stalling. Here are your headlines, bitches:

Warning: Freaky Sanjaya Photoshop Experiment Ahead
Hours later and I'm still trying to get the sting out of my scorched eyes. (TMZ)

Bucky Covington Sings, Sings a Song... of Paralysis
I'm betting it will be the feel-good hit of the summer. (People)

Gwen Stefani's 'Idol' Appearance Is upon Us
It's Gwen's turn to mentor the hopefuls during Pop Week. No word on whether she'll be encouraging them to dress like complete and total tards. (The Gossip Fix)

Past Contestant Report Card
See how Kimberly Locke stacks up against Kellie Pickler. And I swear this has nothing to do with breast size. No really, it doesn't. (Scripps)

LaKisha's Daughter Wants Her Mama Back
Little Brionne is really missing her mommy and wants her home tout de suite. Hmmm... I think we now know who's really jamming the phone lines with votes for Sanjaya. (MLive.com)

Friday News Update

It's a light news day, people. All anyone wants to discuss is skanky Antonella Barba and how she's still on the show. I apologize in advance for boring you.

Jennifer Hudson up for an NAACP Image Award
Beyonce's up for a few too, so maybe she'll stop making voodoo dolls of Jennifer Hudson and praying to The Dark Lord to wipe her from existence.

Bucky's #1
The video for Bucky Covington's first single, "A Different World," debuted at #1 on CMT's Pure Country Video Playlist. I'm not sure if that's a good thing; as I'm not terribly familiar with either the channel or the show, but it sounds like it's the TRL of country music, in which case, go Bucky!

FOX is #1, Too!
FOX swept the ratings Thursday night, just like it does on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I'm not a ratings analyst, but I don't really get why everyone is so surprised by this.

Ask the Idols
Do you want to know what it is about Phil Stacey that makes him both scary and intensely likeable at the same time? If Sundance Head cries when he watches Bambi? If Blake Lewis knows how awful that hat was? If so, PEOPLE is sitting down with the 'Idol' hopefuls and asking them YOUR questions. If you submit one, and your question is featured, let us know! We won't make fun of you. Promise.

If you need a pick-me-up after all that, check out Kellie Pickler's new breasts:

Kellie Pickler's DD Cups of Ambition

Is it just me or did Kellie look like she just strolled off the set of 9 to 5 tonight?

Say, this reminds me of a joke...

Q: Have you seen the new shoes Kellie Pickler bought with her American Idol earnings?

A: No? Neither has she.

Photo: Amazon.com

Results Show: The Recap

Let me blog about this bullshit show while it's still fresh in my mind. America, I hate you.

First to get the ax was Nick Pedro. I predicted him to go, and in this case, I think America got it right. When he did his exit song, I thought it was really cute when he turned away from the audience and gave each of the guys handshakes. Simon was right when he said it was Nick's lack of charisma that got him voted off.

Next to go home was Alaina Alexander. This was a pleasant surprise, as I thought America would be too smitten with her cute face and pretty hair to let her go. I thought it was kind of lame how she gave up on the song halfway through, though. If I remember correctly, Ayla Brown cried through her whole exit song and still managed to rock it. Also, when Paula was delivering her parting words did the sound cut off on the actual show, or was that just my digital cable?

Then Kellie Pickler performed. As I've mentioned previously, I'm not a fan of the Pickler. And the way they had her all done up, with the weird hair and the harsh eye makeup, she looked like a washed-up, 60-year-old ex-country singer who just can't give up the karaoke bars. Also, did she get a boob job? If not, I really want to find out where she gets her bras and stock up, because her rack was awe-inducing. The song itself, I hate to admit, kind of touched me. I thought it was sad and it was sweet and I actually thought she sounded good. Good thing her rehearsed conversation with Ryan afterward about how spider sushi isn’t really spiders brought my rage back, though.

Next to go home was A.J. Tabaldo. What the fuck, America? Mejack, did you vote for Sanjaya more than you voted for A.J? If you did, then I blame you. Also, I hate that they make the losers sing the song that got them voted off. It's unnecessarily cruel.

Then, Leslie Hunt got the boot, which was no real surprise but still bummed me out because 1) I really liked her and 2) fucking Antonella is still here. Damn you, LB! I loved how she replaced the scat part of the song with this, though. "Why did I decide to scat? America don't care for jazz." Leslie and I could so hang.

Also, the Daughtry song that they play over the montage is worse than "Had a Bad Day." The latter was at least insidious enough to get stuck in my head for days. With Daughtry, I get to forget it exists and then have the same dull reminder each week.

Now, let's talk about the criers. Sundance cries a LOT. He cried when Nick got the boot. He cried when A.J. got the boot. I don't have cinematographic evidence, but I think he may have cried through the whole show. Also, you know how when something upsets a toddler, he or she stands there making that awful face while they try to decide whether or not they're going to cry? That's Sundance Head's cry face, and it ain't pretty. Also joining in the waterworks were Jordin, who teared up a little when Alaina got the boot and sobbed when Leslie did, Stephanie, who teared up when Alaina got the ax and Gina Glocksen, who pretty much just lost her shit when Leslie went. Melinda Doolittle cried when A.J. got the boot, but I wonder if that's just because she realized you can get high praise from the judges and still be sent packing on any given week.

America? Suck it. And if you keep Sanjaya and Antonella one more week, I'm moving to Canada.

Recap, News and Other Blathering

No more auditions! Yay! I'm happy as could be, and the previews for Hollywood week look awesome.

I'm not going to talk about the trainwrecks on Wednesday's show. Only the two that I actually liked. Tami Gosnell, the pedicab driver who sounds like Janis Joplin, is awesome. I love her. Ebony Jointer is just amazing. I bet her other two rollerskating friends secretly hate her. I'm not sure why they let her cohort, Ashley Cleland, through exactly, but whatevs. I'm over it.

Now, onto the news:

WebMD talks to psychology experts about what makes people who couldn't sing their way out of a paper bag audition for American Idol. (WebMD)

Las Vegas contestant Mikalah Gordon shares what really goes on during Idol auditions. (TV Squad)

Ayla Brown's daddy hates the gays. Naturally, everyone hates Senator Scott Brown. And he's not afraid to talk about it, much to the horror of the teachers at the King Philip Regional High School assembly he was speaking at. (CBS News)

Speaking of bad daddies, Clyde Raymond Pickler, Jr., who sired none other than Kellie Pickler, attacked a female acquaintance with a steak knife. Glad to see all that prison time straightened his ass out. (Charlotte Observor)

The final 24 predictions have begun (phillyBurbs)

Idol alum Anthony Federov hits Broadway as a cast member in The Fantasticks (Theater Mania)

More Courtney Love madness. Rumor has it she's been asked to guest judge on Nirvana night. Wait, Idol's doing a Nirvana night? Please. Oh please, let this be true. (Celebrity Spider)

TWoP's Wednesday recap

EW's Wednesday recap

Afternoon Newsbreak

It's a light news day, people. Jennifer Hudson is still whining about the fact that she's like, totally famous now, but that the show was abusive. Boo-fucking-hoo Jennifer Hudson. Also, Chris Daughtry had some shows which some people loved and some people hated. Very exciting stuff. Anyway, here's what little news I did manage to find:

Kellie Pickler, I mean, Jamie Lynn Ward's kin are none too pleased about her telling that whole dad-shoots-mom-then-himself story on national television. The stepmom survived the shooting, by the way. (NY Post)

Jessica Sierra, who was a season 4 finalist and who I don't remember AT ALL, had a stalker. Where's my stalker? Ahem, I mean our stalker. (Tennessean)

Carrie Underwood is not, I repeat, NOT dating woman-hating Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo. So stop telling everyone that, Gossip McRumorpants. (People)

A new DVD called American Idol Unauthorized claims that the show is rigged. To prove their point, they interviewed a bunch of whiny ex-hopefuls who believe the they would have won otherwise. Riiiight. (Toronto Star)

Birmingham, the Recap

And this, my friends, is the point in the season where I say to myself, "Holy Mary Mother of God, can we get to fucking Hollywood already?"

Birmingham, blah. Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, Bo Bice, blah. Why does Birmingham have to hog all of the American Idols?

Anyway, let's go. First up was Erika Skye, who bears more than your passing resemblance to Stephanie Klein and sang a screamy rendition of "Unchained Melody" that made my brain hurt. I'm not going to go into everyone else -- just the ones I feel like talking about.

Jamie Lynn Ward. Now, her father shot her mother and then himself, leaving him paralyzed in a wheelchair. We weren't told the mother's fate, but she doesn't live in the house so I'm guessing it's not good. It's a sad story, and it makes her this season's Kellie Pickler. But here's the thing. I may hate The Pickler now, but I really liked her after the audition. Why? Because she had a sad story and she sang the crap out of "Since U Been Gone." Jamie Lynn Ward did not sing the crap out of "Reflection." Had she been a regular girl without a good backstory, we wouldn't have even seen her audition, and she certainly wouldn't have made it to Hollywood.

Now, Chris Sligh. He also didn't sing the shit out of "Kiss From a Rose," but he said he was there to make David Hasselhoff cry, and for that he should be the next American Idol. Let's review: Dad shoots mom, self. Go home. Snarky comment about David Hasselhoff. You're the next American Idol. My heart is black and my soul is cold.

Last but now least, Brandy Patterson. Delusional and with an attitude up to here, she poured kerosene on "Like a Virgin," lit it on fire and then danced on the ashes. I mean, just, wow. The best part was Simon's reaction to her. I love it when Simon, who is so reserved, bursts into laughter. And when he said, "Call me," and she said, "I don't want to call you," and he said, "Yes you do," and they went on and on, I burst out laughing. I love me some Simon Cowell.

Paula was mysteriously absent on Day 2 of Birmingham. Did she really have "family business"? Was she too drunk to go on? Did the lack of talent in Birmingham send her over the edge? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this year's American Idol will not be from Alabama.

Link it up, baby:

Death by Camera has the Memphis contestant's MySpace Profiles.

EW has the full recap

As does TWoP

Better Late Than Never Newsbrief

As if I needed an excuse to be even crankier on this blog (and in real life, if I'm being honest), I've been engaged in a frustrating battle with my Internet connection for the past several hours and I.am.not.happy.about.it. The error pages and slow page loads have left me feeling extra salty. But it's your lucky day because I'm funneling my inner bitch into today's daily news digest. So, buckle up, bitches.

"We're no crueler this year," claim the Idol judges and producers in response to criticism that they've been too aggressive in the new asshole-tearing they've been doing this season. In other words, they've always been skewering Special Olympians from day one. Oh, I see. It's just that us assmunches didn't notice until now. Gotcha. (People.com; Reality Blurred)

If you're feeling a tad nosy, fire up your iTunes and check out the playlists of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Chris Daughtry, Kellie Pickler, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood, Bo Bice and even Randy Jackson.

Surprisingly, no Journey was included in the latter's list. You tricked me, dawg! I was totally expecting some "Wheel in the Sky." Actually, no... that's not true. How silly of me. Randy didn't play bass on that track so why would he include it? I guess I meant to say that I was totally expecting some latter-day Journey that Randy played bass on. Um, I'd cite specific song titles and albums but really, do you even care? I sure as hell don't.

Once again Pickler proves that she's a dumb ass of monumental proportions. See, she first earned this distinction with her (albeit short-lived) dalliance with Constantine "My Chin Looks Just Like My Ass" Maroulis. She's now firmly cemented on my shit list thanks to the inclusion of one of her own tracks in her iTunes playlist.

So, to put this in perspective, no one else in that self-absorbed roster committed this crime. Just Kellie.

In case you're a little slow on the uptake, what I'm trying to say is that Pickler managed to make Randy "When I'm in the Studio with Mariah" Jackson look the model of humble restraint. Someone give me a billy-club, a darkened alley and five minutes alone with Pickler. Please? (iTunes Store; software download required for you Amish readers who don't have iTunes installed already.)

Citizens of Texas, you can go ahead and get your knickers out of that a knot they're in. Contrary to popular belief, Carrie Underwood and Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, are NOT sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. So, y'all can stop blaming her for distracting the QB and causing an early playoff exit. The real reason you're not going to the Super Bowl is because... uh... oh, fuck it. I hate football and I can't even pretend to give a shit. So let's just dispense with the trash talk and say that your team sucks and that'll be the end of it, okay? Move on. (National Ledger)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

A Poem

My husband wrote this for us:

Just as I was begining to recover,
Another Idol marathon begins anew.
Hoping it won't be so sad to discover,
this year I still have nothing better to do.

I lay awake scared, of new stupid Picklers,
of retarded Yamins, of Soul Patrol Hicks,
of Paris & 9 yr old teddy bear ticklers,
of guys named Ace & their love of their dicks,

Of Katharine McPhees and her shit eating grin,
plastered up everywhere like we somehow cared
what skin cream she wore. So please if you win,
please, please don't tell us, we know how you fared.

And please don't sell yourself out for every magizine stunt,
or dive for every nickel, like that awful, awful Katharine McCunt.

Curly has nominated him as Poet Laureate of American Midol. I second.

An Announcement

(Spoken in my best Kellie Pickler voice)

Hey y'all! We done gone ahead and moved this here blog over to our very own domain. That's right! From now on, y'all can get yer 'Idol' fix by typing this here address into that... um... what d'ya call that thing up top? The bar where you put the addresses in? Huh. Color me stumped. Anyway, it's americanmidolblog.com. So if the two of y'all who have us bookmarked could update those... um... LINKS! Links, ha ha, y'all, I totally could not remember that word. Anyway, do that, if you'd be so inclined. Also, send any tips, hot gossip or hate mail to us at mail@americanmidolblog.com. Thank ya kindly!

The Cure

No, I'm not talking about my all-time favorite band. I'm talking about hiccups. Specifically, those belonging to Kellie Pickler.


Says The Tennessean:

Kellie Pickler Loses Hockey Brawl

Country newcomer Kellie Pickler has discovered there's one competition more brutal than American Idol: pro hockey. After singing to Clemson and Kentucky fans at Legends on Friday, she attended her first hockey game Saturday and afterward joined Predators Jordin Tootoo and Scottie Upshall at the Tin Roof.

Told to do a handstand to cure her hiccups, she kicked up her red high heels over her head. A pretend hockey fight broke out and Kellie, 20, ended up at the bottom of the pile. The melee left a knot on her forehead that remains. At least she still has all of her teeth.

Google tells me that doing a handstand is, in fact, a cure for hiccups. But honestly, doesn't that seem like a lot of work when they'll probably just go away on their own? And I bet the conversation went like this:

Kellie: Y'all, I have hiccups!

My Hero: Do a handstand!

Kellie: All right!

My Hero (to friend): Dude, we're at a hockey game. I didn't think she'd really do it.

My Hero's Friend (shaking head): What a dumbass. Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

I go back and forth on whether or not I think Kellie Pickler is a genuine idiot, or an idiot solely for entertainment's sake. In this case, I'm going to go with the former.

Some other Idol-related news: Mandisa writing a book about food addiction. Read about it here.

Also, 13 Days! See the shiny new graphic that Curly made? It's over there -->