Monday News Update

Are you ready for some headlines? No? Well, fuck you then. I'm delivering them anyway. Bite me.

Curly McDimple Is a Big Fat Liar
Okay, so this isn't news, nor a legitimate "Idol" headline but it's sadly true. In my sporadic posts this season, I have regaled you with promises of follow-up posts with more details, photos, etc. and I have yet to make good on any it. I blow.

Word to the wise: Don't fulfill a New Year's obligation to revamp your apartment in January and February when those are historically the busiest months of the year at your day job. No, I'm not an accountant. Fuck math! I deal with dopey celebs, yo. Don't they know it's prime "Idol" season? Can't they slap each other on the backs in a neverending series of self-congratulatory award ceremonies in, like, July or whatever? Selfish!!

I do apologize for my absence though. And now on to the meat and potatoes... Wait, or is it bread and butter? Or neither? Does any of this make sense? All I know is I'm still at work and really hungry. And you know it's dire when I, a vegetarian, start using meat as a figure of speech.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh right... And away we go...

Speaking of Self-Congratulatory Award Ceremonies...
Carrie Underwood, nominated for Best Female Country Vocal Performance ("Before He Cheats") and Best Country Collaboration With Vocals ("Oh Love" with Brad Paisley), will perform at the Grammys on Sunday, February 10. Related Story: Curly McDimple Will Mute Her TV During the Country Portion of the Program.

That's MRS. Tits McPhee, Thank You Very Much
Katharine McPhee and her creepy old manfriend finally got hitched. Now, as longtime readers know, I had a scorching case of the McPheever back in the day. Despite that, I'm not at all broken up about her betrothal. Why? Well, for one, I have a life and secondly, she's kind of a twit. I'm over it. Mazel tov!

'Idol' Shines Spotlight on Rett Syndrome
Okay, even I cannot say anything snarky about this. Man, I didn't expect to have to be this polite until Idol Gives Back week. I don't like being sappy so early in the season. Let's remedy that, shall we?

Sanjaya Is a Dickhead
I really don't even have to elaborate on this, right? Okay, since you insist... The Season 6 also-ran and his whore of a sister, Shyamali, were caught taking whatever wasn't nailed down at Super Bowl swag suites while demanding photographers pay them to pose for pictures. You know who's a bigger dickhead? The asshole who actually coughs up. Oh, and Al Roker.

That is all.

Friday News Update... on Saturday

So yeah, I'm bringing you yesterday's news update today. How bad ass am I? Actually, tired as all fuck is the more accurate term. Pardon the missed deadline. Mama had a case of the exhaustion, you see.

Okay, enough stalling. Here are your headlines, bitches:

Warning: Freaky Sanjaya Photoshop Experiment Ahead
Hours later and I'm still trying to get the sting out of my scorched eyes. (TMZ)

Bucky Covington Sings, Sings a Song... of Paralysis
I'm betting it will be the feel-good hit of the summer. (People)

Gwen Stefani's 'Idol' Appearance Is upon Us
It's Gwen's turn to mentor the hopefuls during Pop Week. No word on whether she'll be encouraging them to dress like complete and total tards. (The Gossip Fix)

Past Contestant Report Card
See how Kimberly Locke stacks up against Kellie Pickler. And I swear this has nothing to do with breast size. No really, it doesn't. (Scripps)

LaKisha's Daughter Wants Her Mama Back
Little Brionne is really missing her mommy and wants her home tout de suite. Hmmm... I think we now know who's really jamming the phone lines with votes for Sanjaya. (MLive.com)

Monday News Update

That Was Pitchy for Me, Dawg
Are you like me? Do you often find yourself exclaiming, "Whatcoo tawkin' bout, Randy Jackson?" when the vocab-challenged judge launches into one of his rambling critiques that goes on forever even though it's comprised of only about three different words shuffled around and repeated ad nauseum? Yeah, I thought so. But believe it or not, one of his favored phrases -- pitchy -- is actually a valid statement! This is about as disturbing as Paula's recent spell of lucidity. (People)

Haley Scarnato Is -- Ew -- Wearing Katharine McPhee's Old Extensions
As a kid who grew up wearing my older sisters' hand-me-downs, I'm really in no position to criticize when someone else gets extra mileage out of, say, a pair of culottes, but -- and I never thought I'd have to say this -- I have to draw the line at used hair. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell Is a Sunday Driver
While Simon may boast of cutting verbal slaps and an unparalleled collection of V-necks, he ain't all that impressive on the race track, according to Mario Andretti and a couple of other racing dudes I don't know and can't be bothered to look up. (People)

LaKisha Tops the Power List
Entertainment Weekly thinks LaKisha's poised to win the competition. Never let it be said they're not a bunch of risk takers, those folks at EW.

Jennifer Hudson Sets the Records Straight
Hudson took to MySpace to dispel rumors that she's become a big ol' diva in the wake of her Oscar win. Fair enough. However, in doing so, she inadvertently revealed her true and irrefutable shortcomings: poor punctuation and an appalling lack of subject/verb agreement. Isn't she from Chicago, the very city with a whole Manual of Style named after it?! Someone check that bitch's birth certificate. (The Post Chronicle)

Idols Saturate the Airwaves
Today's New York Daily News ranks former Idol contestants according to the number of times their songs have been played on the radio. Kelly Clarkson naturally tops the list while Chris Daughtry comes in at number 8. What's notable about the latter's ranking, you ask? Uh, Josh Gracin is #3! Just to break it down for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake, Forgettable Season 2 reject, Joshua Gracin, gets more airtime than the high and mighty Chris Daughtry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to point and laugh at him. Care to join me?

Thursday News Brief

You'll have to forgive me if I'm a little light on the snark in today's news roundup. I'm still reeling from the fact that my boy, AJ Tabaldo, was sent home early tonight. That's just bullshit. I join my colleagues, Jess and Mejack, in condemning the sad state of affairs in this country. Shame on us! Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!

Here are your headlines, America, even though I have half a mind to deprive you of them entirely on account of your bad behavior tonight:

Jennifer Hudson to Be Honored in Her Hometown of Chicago
If there's any justice, AJ Tabaldo will receive a similar homecoming in Santa Maria, CA. People of Santa Maria, you best heed my advice. (People)

It's Official: Antonella's Not Getting the Boot
For those of you hoping the show would ship the rather reckless contestant back to Jersey, no such luck. Producer Nigel Lythgoe stated in a recent interview that Barba would remain on the program until the viewers voted her off.

Tonight, poor AJ Tabaldo is wondering where he went wrong. Oh right, he didn't flip off the camera repeatedly nor did he smile and say cheese whilst on the can. Silly boy! I guess he didn't want it bad enough. (National Ledger)

Katharine McPhee Spotted... Gasp!... Eating Food
The NYC gossip pages caught the Season 5 runner up dining on pineapple chicken fried rice and some awesome-sounding peanut butter dessert at Ruby Foo's this past weekend. Do you know who wasn't eating overpriced mediocre Asian food this past weekend? AJ Tabaldo, that's who! (NY Daily News)

And that's your lot, America. I hope you're satisfied.

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

Greetings, minions. Not too much in the way of news today. Anna Nicole Smith is dominating the headlines so I have no choice but to be brief. No whining! There's more to come tomorrow. Until then...

There's a rather tasty blind item in The Back Row column in today's issue of the Daily News...

What former American Idol is up to their nose in bad behavior? Friends were amazed at a high-profile fashion week after-party at how much fairy dust the crooner put away.

Hmmm... Jess and I spotted Katharine McPhee and Jim Verraros at the Marc Jacobs show on Monday night. MJ is rather high-profile so it follows that his after-party would be as well, no? Interesting. Very interesting.

Kat's got her share of issues but I don't think blowing rails in public is among them. Now I'm not saying Jim is necessarily the culprit here because for all I know, there were a gaggle of Idol cast-offs running amok during Fashion Week that I didn't see up and close and personal. Still, I think it's a safe bet. Any other guesses?

Okay, moving on to less inflammatory things that won't get our asses sued... Season Five's Bucky Covington has no beef with Simon Cowell nor his cranky critiques. Quite the contrary, he graciously took his lumps and is enjoying the fame the show helped him achieve. Hear that Jennifer "I was misquoted!" Hudson?! That's what you call gratitude and not being a dumb bitch. Look into it. (People.com)

Ebony Jointer, she of the waitress outfit/roller skates/two less-talented hangers-on combo in last night's final round of auditions is not a complete entertainment neophyte as it turns out. Girlfriend actually hit the gridiron with the Chicago Bliss, a Lingerie Football League team back in 2005. (Note to self: Do thorough Google image search of those photos. How did I not know about this?!)

Ebony's also been seen on America's Next Top Model and had a small role in Pauly Shore Is Dead. Scandalous! A Pauly Shore movie, Ebony? Seriously? (TMZ.com via RealityTVMagazine.com)

And finally, this is not technically news... except to those who know me and how snobby I am about my mp3 collection but I, Curly McDimple, just downloaded the Jason Nevins Rock da Club Edit of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and I am, as we speak, rocking out like it's my job. Trust me, it's hot.

Photo: FOX

Not Necessarily the News

As part of their "People You Should Know" section, CNN asks Katharine McPhee the tough questions. You know, hard-hitting questions like, "Your image is much sexier now. Was that intentional?" I hate when I accidentally give myself a sexy makeover. I did it twice last week, even. (CNN)

Paula Abdul gets sued for secretly selling her reality show that was supposed to air on Oxygen to Bravo. Well, of course she did. She probably figured no one would notice. Also, whatever network Hey Paula finally airs on, I am SO there. (Post Chronicle)

Ashlyn Carr, she of the second chances and the strange facial expressions (and also a very pretty voice, IMHO), is a hardened criminal. Okay, not really, but she was charged with criminal mischief in November 2006 for pouring sugar in her ex-boyfriend's gas tank. If he was another one of those people who were mean to her because she had such a great voice, then he totally deserved it, obvs. (Reality TV magazine)

Speaking of criminal Idol contestants, Akron Watson, also from San Antonio, was uninvited after getting through to Hollywood. While he does have a misdemeanor charge of marijuana possession against him, he'd apparently told Idol about it. Very curious. He's launched a MySpace page to gain support to be reinstated as a contestant. (Reality TV Magazine)

And because I'm apparently a Reality TV Magazine groupie today, here's another: There's a rumor floating around that Sean Michel, my personal favorite thus far, may be disqualified for not cutting his long-ass Jesus hair and beard. This better not be true. Not in a world where we have to live with Taylor Hicks, who the boyfriend refers to as "that elderly gentleman who won American Idol last season." (Reality TV Magazine)

Back in the day, Simon Cowell was a little girly man cowering before Eddie Murphy. (TV Squad)

Miss last night's show? I missed some of it because I was baking a sticky toffee pudding. I'd give you some, but I really didn't make enough for everyone and that wouldn't be fair. Thank heavens the audition shows are finally over! If you need to catch up on the San Antonio auditions, choose your own adventure:

People Magazine's recap

EW's recap

Television Without Pity's recap

Or, you know, check back later for Curly's recap. Naturally, it will be the best one.

Midol Invades Fashion Week!

So there isn't going to be a photo credit on that Katharine McPhee pic. (Not that I ever remember photo credits, really, and honestly, I can't believe Curly hasn't beaten me for it yet. If you want to sue anyone FOX, it's all me.) Why? Because Curly took it herself! That's right ladies and gentleman. Due to the overwhelming kindness and generosity of this guy, Curly, myself and the fashion maven herself, AZ got all-access passes to last night's Marc Jacobs show.

Now, when you live in New York City, you're supposed to maintain a certain level of cool around celebrities. And normally, I do. I may gawk when I see Crispin Glover walking down Houston St., or Julia Stiles at a CAKE party, but for the most part, I keep it together.

Not so last night. We got to stand right next to the paparazzi, so we got to see everyone walk in. The first major commotion was sparked by McPhee. If you've been reading this blog for longer than five minutes, you know that I'm mostly indifferent to McPhee. That, however, did not stop me from exclaiming, "Curly, oh my God holy shit it's Mcphee!" and then we scrambled over with all the photogs to get a better look, or in Curly's case, a pic.

Katharine McPhee wasn't the only Idol alum to make an appearance, however:



That right there is Jim Verraros. Sadly, he was not met with the same level of fanfare that Katharine was. That didn't stop him from walking through the line of photographers twice, though. I always liked him, but that was a little sad, I have to say. A desperate plea for attention, if you will.

There were other non-Idol related highlights. One being the clothes. Gorgeous! If ever I have occasion to walk down a red carpet, I sincerely hope I'm in a Marc Jacobs frock. And just because I am still so geeked about seeing all of these famous faces, feel free to click on Curly's Flickr to see:

L'il Kim (She's a midget. For reals, yo.)

Michelle Rodriguez (Complete with ankle bracelet, because she is a criminal.)

Joss Stone (Yeah, I don't know what's up with that hair, either.)

Debbie Harry (So. Fucking. Cool.)

See all of the pics from the show.

And it's worth mentioning that Anna Wintour was escorted by, uh, Harry Connick, Jr.? She also couldn't find her scarf mid-show and caused a bit of a fuss. Rod and Kimberly Stewart, Amber Valetta and Helena Christensen were all in attendance as well. Most exciting night of my life so far, unless of course someone wants to give us comp tickets for the Idol finale. Anyone?

News Roundup

Greetings! One-fifth of your favorite "pseudo-intellectual satirist" team has just returned from Ireland, where I dutifully watched a little bit of the Memphis auditions during football half-time (soccer for you Americans). I still have a couple of hours to catch up on, so I'll stick with the news until I've done so. I do, however, love Sean Michel, the homeless-looking hippie dude who sang Johnny Cash. I want to do bong hits with him. Anyway, the news:

Simon Cowell hates technology, music, often rubs two sticks together to make fire. Guess that means he'll never read American Midol. (AZ Central)

Katharine McPhee releases her highly-anticipated (couldn't even type that with a straight face) debut album. If you're curious to hear what all the fuss is about, but loathe to shell out the big bucks to do so, it's your lucky day, because AOL Music is streaming that bitch for free. (WTOP)

Armed & Famous cancelled due to poor ratings, leading TV execs and the media to the shocking conclusion that if you want a new show, an old show or any show, really, to succeed, you might not want to air it opposite American Idol. (Canada.com)

Chris Daughtry's debut album hits #1. In related news, Americans have really shitty taste in music. (93X Rocks)

Everything you never wanted to know about what went on behind the scenes at the Birmingham auditions. (MyFox Birmingham)

When drunk and incoherent, it's always best to blame Simon Cowell. Riiiight, Paula. (Access Hollywood)

And there you have it. I'd also like to address a couple of search terms that have recently brought visitors to the site. First, to the person who got here by searching for "mean american idol bloggers suck," I'm terribly sorry you feel that way. And for the individual searching for Ryan Seacrest's height, the official party line is 5'8", but since short guys always add an inch or two, I'm guess he's actually around 5'6" or 5'7". Has anyone stood next to him? If so, kindly weigh in.

Your Monday Newsbrief

Think American Idol is growing old and a bit stale? Oh yeah, fussy pants?!? Well what, pray tell, would YOU do to improve it? No really, I'm not picking a fight with y'all. MTV wants to know. In fact, they asked a variety of types including Taylor "The Tard" Hicks, Randy Jackson and some radio personalities I never heard of that very question. Do people even listen to regular radio anymore? Beyond Howard Stern and I guess Casey Kasem, I have no retention of radio dee-jays or their names. I mean, why would I?

But that's neither here nor there. If you have an opinion, and I know you do, head on over to MTV and leave suggestions. Or you can comment here while staying within the safe and comfy confines of your favorite bitchy blog. Mind you, we can't and won't pass them along to the powers-that-be at MTV but that still shouldn't stop you from flexing your free speech muscles here.

How would I improve the show, you ask? Well, for one, I'd condense the best and the worst of the auditions into four episodes (aired over two weeks) and then bring that shit to Hollywood tout de suite. Oh, and the production assistants should be tasked with making sure there's always some sort of mind-altering substance in Paula Abdul's Coke cup. At all times. Because it's just funnier when she's shit-faced. Thoughts? (MTV.com)

Despite her obvious fondness for the drink, some people do in fact think Paula is worthy of praise. The lush even managed to snag herself one of them there Women of the Year Awards. The honor was bestowed by the Nevada Ballet Theatre, not Apple Boones as I originally assumed. They're holding out to honor her with the Lifetime Achievement Award, methinks. (National Ledger)

People.com asked a rather random roster of celebrities which song they would sing if they were an American Idol contestant. Andy Roddick, that cute tennis player, mentions Menudo and Bananarama and honestly, I can't quite say for sure if he's being facetious or not. I hope so. Nelly Furtado, who is equally easy on the eyes, responded: "I would sing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' just to be different." Not sure if she's never watched the show or if that was a sly dig at Katharine McPhee. Frankly, I don't think Nelly's all that smart. Neither is Kat though. Whatever, I'd still bang both of them. And no, Andy Roddick, you cannot watch. (People.com)

Mark your calendars, Elliott Yamin fans. March 20 is a big day. Why, you ask? Well, it just so happens to be the anniversary of the publication of Albert Einstein's theory of relativity. What does that have to do with Elliott?! No fucking clue! I'm just trying to fill space. Actually though, that theory may have in some way, shape or form paved the way for the orthodontics that helped fix Elliott's busted grill. You never know!

Ow, all this talk of scientific theory is making my head hurt. Enough of this smart shit. March 20 is the day Yamin's debut album hits stores. If you can't wait that long, Elliott's first single titled "Movin' On" will be available for illegal downlo... er, I mean, purchase on iTunes and other digital music providers on February 13. (AmericanIdol.com)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

A Recap and a Roundup. Lucky Yous!

Okay, so I never quite got around to recapping the New York auditions when I said I would. My bad. What can I say? I suck and you should never ever date me.

But that's a story for another time and another blog. Oooh, shameless plug.

Anyhoo, I have to say that I was expecting to cringe through the entire two hours of this particular round because, prior to auditioning at Chelsea Piers in Manhattan, the contestants were first vetted at Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, NJ. See, I grew up a stone's throw from there and I was hoping against hope that the denizens of my home state wouldn't show me up... because, clearly, I am the bastion of class and propriety and shit.

But I'm happy to report that my fellow Garden Staters held their own. While cheesy and kind of annoying, Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba of Holmdel and Point Pleasant, respectively, didn't leave me wishing that I was born five months premature when my family still resided in Brooklyn, NY. Again, they were cheesy but not horrendous.

Do you know who was horrendous though? That Fania Tsakalakos. She's the one who treated us to the Big Fat Greek Audition and informed us that she's "from Athens, Greece and New Jersey."

I'm confused. Did her mother go into labor on the way from Greece to Newark Airport? Enlighten me, Fania. Oh and since I'm on this kick where I make questionable comparisons between contestants and celebrities in my recpas, I'm going to go ahead and say that Fania looks like the end result if Lainie Kazan and Nia Vardalos mated. Opa!

Since Mejack did such a bang-up job of summarizing the show, I'm going to shut up and move on into the most recent American Idol headlines.

Never let it be said that I have not mastered the smooth segue...

Katharine McPhee gives a lovely interview to People Magazine this week. Shut up, Mejack. It's true! Among other things, she acknowledges that she came across as "aloof" and "dry" on the program. Self-critique is hot. My crush is restored. Again, shut up Mejack! (AmericanIdol.com)

Kat can also be found in a guest-starring role in the hit sitcom "Ugly Betty" on February 1 (ABC, 8PM EST). That is quite possibly, the one and only time the words "ugly" and "Katharine McPhee" were ever uttered in the same sentence. I'm so serious, Mejack. Zip it. (Blogcritics)

Chris Daughtry's first album bearing the oh-so-original name of Daughtry is currently No. 1 on The Billboard 200. I can't say I'm shocked. After all, this is a nation where the likes of Applebees and the Olive Garden thrive. We have an isatiable appetite for the bland, tasteless and ultimately unsatisfying. It's a wonder plain rice cakes are not the number one snack food. (AmericanIdol.com)

But, if Daughtry is your sort of thing and you happen to live in the Greensboro, North Carolina area, well, we just can never be friends. Oh, I kid. While I do think Chris is a tool, I have no beef with The Tar Heel State. Y'all will be the envy of many a geographically-challenged Daughtry fan when the chrome-domed singer treats his homestate to a free concert on March 23, 2007. Uh, yeah... have fun with that. (Monsters and Critics.com)

Lastly, those of you equipped with a PlayStation 2 -- and a desire to humiliate yourself in the privacy of your own home -- can "audition" for Idol courtesy of Konami's Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol. OMG. I don't have PlayStation but between this game and Guitar Hero, I think I really need to get myself one. Donations gladly accepted. I don't rule out the odd sexual favor in exchange. (A+E Interactive)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Katharine McPhee Has Really Scary Boobs

I think the title says it all.

Photo: Us Online

Memphis Shmemphis

Like Curly said, I found last night's American Idol to be... lackluster... lukewarm, if you will. I wonder if they went and frantically re-edited this week's auditions so they don't appear as cruel as they did last week. Think about it. Simon said "sweetheart" -- but not in a "it's just my weiner talking" kind of way -- at an alarming rate. Paula was also unusually coherent. Randy has gone from Mean Randy Guy to "GOOD LOOKIN OUT PROVE THE DAWG WRONG" Randy Guy that we are used to. There was also the montage of hearing the judges snarky remarks but not seeing to whom they were directed. Interesting. I did rather enjoy the "Amaya. A Mayor? Amaya. A Mayor?" exchange between Simon and Timika Sims, who was that chick with the demonic freaky deaky eyes who talked like Farmer Fran from The Waterboy.

My favorite from last night's show was Sundance Head. YOU GO SUNDANCE HEAD!

In other news, Katherine McPhee hates on American Idol and name drops "Tom and Katie" like they are her BFFs Seriously. I wish this biotch would shut her damn piehole already. She should be bowing down and THANKING American Idol for catapulting her skanky ass into the spotlight. No one would GIVE A SHIT about her if she was not on the damn show.

Better Late Than Never Newsbrief

As if I needed an excuse to be even crankier on this blog (and in real life, if I'm being honest), I've been engaged in a frustrating battle with my Internet connection for the past several hours and I.am.not.happy.about.it. The error pages and slow page loads have left me feeling extra salty. But it's your lucky day because I'm funneling my inner bitch into today's daily news digest. So, buckle up, bitches.

"We're no crueler this year," claim the Idol judges and producers in response to criticism that they've been too aggressive in the new asshole-tearing they've been doing this season. In other words, they've always been skewering Special Olympians from day one. Oh, I see. It's just that us assmunches didn't notice until now. Gotcha. (People.com; Reality Blurred)

If you're feeling a tad nosy, fire up your iTunes and check out the playlists of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Chris Daughtry, Kellie Pickler, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood, Bo Bice and even Randy Jackson.

Surprisingly, no Journey was included in the latter's list. You tricked me, dawg! I was totally expecting some "Wheel in the Sky." Actually, no... that's not true. How silly of me. Randy didn't play bass on that track so why would he include it? I guess I meant to say that I was totally expecting some latter-day Journey that Randy played bass on. Um, I'd cite specific song titles and albums but really, do you even care? I sure as hell don't.

Once again Pickler proves that she's a dumb ass of monumental proportions. See, she first earned this distinction with her (albeit short-lived) dalliance with Constantine "My Chin Looks Just Like My Ass" Maroulis. She's now firmly cemented on my shit list thanks to the inclusion of one of her own tracks in her iTunes playlist.

So, to put this in perspective, no one else in that self-absorbed roster committed this crime. Just Kellie.

In case you're a little slow on the uptake, what I'm trying to say is that Pickler managed to make Randy "When I'm in the Studio with Mariah" Jackson look the model of humble restraint. Someone give me a billy-club, a darkened alley and five minutes alone with Pickler. Please? (iTunes Store; software download required for you Amish readers who don't have iTunes installed already.)

Citizens of Texas, you can go ahead and get your knickers out of that a knot they're in. Contrary to popular belief, Carrie Underwood and Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, are NOT sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. So, y'all can stop blaming her for distracting the QB and causing an early playoff exit. The real reason you're not going to the Super Bowl is because... uh... oh, fuck it. I hate football and I can't even pretend to give a shit. So let's just dispense with the trash talk and say that your team sucks and that'll be the end of it, okay? Move on. (National Ledger)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

All McPhee, All the Time

To promote her new "album," Katharine Mcphee will be making the TV rounds. Here's her schedule if you'd like to set the DVR:

01.29: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

01.31: The Today Show

02.01: Live with Regis and Kelly

02.05: TRL

02.06: The Early Show

02.07: Jimmy Kimmell Live

02.08: Larry King Live

Good thing McPhee's agent gets the whole "overexposure" concept. Also, Ms. McPhee tortures puppies. Best. Pic. Ever.

More News:

• Paris Bennet's debut album "Princess P." is in the works, and will feature Kevin Covais and Lisa Tucker. Kevin will be rapping. If that's not the first sign of the apocalypse, I don't know what is. (United Press International)



• Steven Thoen, the redhead in Seattle who sang "Bohemian Rhapsody," is apparently mildly mentally challenged. Says his pissed-off mother. Which makes that whole segment way less amusing, incidentally. ( West Central Tribune)

Newsbreak

Katharine "Tits" McPhee will star on "Lonelygirl15" Friday. Jess' head explodes from thinking too hard about fake reality vs. semi-fake reality vs. actual reality. We'll post the video, natch. (Pantagraph)

A buttload of people watched last night's premiere. 37.3 million, to be exact. That's even more than last year. And it breaks some kind of record or something. Dateline? Boston Legal? In yo face, suckas. (TV Week)

Sexy recappers whose American Idol wrap-ups I've been eagerly awaiting return: Michael Slezak from Entertainment Weekly and Joe R (and Jacob?) from Television Without Pity. Here's my favorite excerpt, from the TWoP recap:

Tashawn Moore is "dressed to impress" in a men's shirt and tie and is generally the most fantastic person on this entire show. She can't sing, nor can she remember any of the words to Prince's "Kiss," but she keeps snapping and shimmy-shaking and closing her eyes, picking out lyrics from the ether as she passes. She's utterly hysterical and cute and terrible, and it goes on forever and is totally worth it.

TMZ thinks Paula Abdul was downing whisky in her Coca-Cola cup (Sponsor alert! Product placement!) like there was no tomorrow to numb the pain of the performers. Can't say I blame her -- I did the same. (TMZ)

Diana Ross to share her special brand of batshit crazy with Idol hopefuls. Also, she's too busy to see Beyonce unconvincingly (so I've heard) try to emulate her in Dreamgirls (ABC-7 Chicago)

Newsbreak

In case you didn't know, American Idol 6 starts tomorrow. Are you ready? We're having ourselves a little premiere party. I'd invite y'all, but my apartment is really tiny. Anyway, hopefully this will tide you over until tomorrow:

MSNBC takes an "interactive" look at the American Idol numbers. It's not terribly interactive. They also have a "blog this" option, which I initially got excited for, until I realized that you have to be on MSN spaces in order to use it. Two strikes, MSNBC. Count 'em. (MSNBC)

ABC is a bunch of pussies afraid to put Dancing with the Stars up against Idol. (EARTHtimes.org: Yeah, I don't know either.)

Paula Abdul does NOT drink. Ever. It must be all the Vicodin, then. (FOX6 San Diego)

Set the DVR! (Fuck TiVo) Katharine McPhee will play herself on Ugly Betty on February 1st. Mejack and Mr. Mejack will be watching, no doubt. (RTE)

The bad singers who audition are not Randy Jackson's dawgs. (OC Register)

A Poem

My husband wrote this for us:

Just as I was begining to recover,
Another Idol marathon begins anew.
Hoping it won't be so sad to discover,
this year I still have nothing better to do.

I lay awake scared, of new stupid Picklers,
of retarded Yamins, of Soul Patrol Hicks,
of Paris & 9 yr old teddy bear ticklers,
of guys named Ace & their love of their dicks,

Of Katharine McPhees and her shit eating grin,
plastered up everywhere like we somehow cared
what skin cream she wore. So please if you win,
please, please don't tell us, we know how you fared.

And please don't sell yourself out for every magizine stunt,
or dive for every nickel, like that awful, awful Katharine McCunt.

Curly has nominated him as Poet Laureate of American Midol. I second.

I Didn't Wait a Lifetime for a Moment Like This

I'm a little late to the game on the relatively new music the 'Idol' kids are putting out. Luckily, AOL Music has all sorts of tracks to listen to from Chris Daughtry and Katharine McPhee today. Here's what I think of them. Then, if you're as behind as I am, you can listen and decide for yourself.

Daughtry. I actually don't hate "Home," the first song. I do, however, think it sounds like every single power balled written between 1986 and 1992. But I was a fan of the power ballads. Hell, I even made a mix tape of them that I played Every. Single. Time. my high school boyfriend and I made out. I'm sure he loved that. The second song, which is his first single, "It's Not Over," bored me to tears. And then I had to stop listening. Chris Daughtry is pretty. I shouldn't find him so boring. I love little bald dudes. There's just, I don't know, something missing. Charisma? Personality? A chromosome? Hell if I know.

Now, onto McPhee. Now, I don't love her the way Curly does, and I don't hate her the way Mejack does. I'm more indifferent than anything else, although I think she has very pretty hair and I would kill to have her makeup person go at my face. I'm not really digging "Over It," which is the first single. It's a little… watered-down I guess is how I would describe it. I most definitely do not want to start shaking my ass at my desk at work. And that's a bad sign, because if you know me, you know I love to shake my ass at my desk at work. Ditto on "Each Other," and that's enough listening to crap for me this afternoon.

If I'm forcing myself to say something nice, I'll say this. Both of those songs could kick the ass of "A Moment Like This," and look at Kelly Clarkson now. Anything can happen.

Watch Chris Daughtry

Listen to Katharine McPhee

What do you think? Also, 14 Days!