Results Recap

This year's finale was even more cobbled-together-variety-show-by-insane-people than it usually is, which I enjoyed a great deal.

Ryan opened the show by lying to us yet again and trying to convince us that it was the best season ever. The rating say otherwise, Seacrest. The vote breakdown was 56%/44%, and naturally I assume wee David Archuleta spanked David Cook with his screaming cult of 12-year-old girls.

Then he greets the judges. Randy's dressed like the doorman at the Willy Wonka hotel, in a red jacket with large white piping and checkered ascot. A tribute to Michael Johns, perhaps? Simon's chest is exposed, natch, and it's very red and very shiny. Hot wax treatment? I shuddered a little typing that.

They've lined up some ex-contestants to cover the rallies in the Davids' hometowns; Mikalah Gordon from season four in Kansas City and season three's Matthew Rogers in Salt Lake City. I am not even exagerating a little bit when I tell you that they are the two most annoying people ever to walk the earth. I tend to think America doesn't often get it right when they're given an opportunity to vote on something, but I thank my lucky stars they sent those two tools packing when they did.

I'm not going to recap any of the group sings, because it all sounds like It's a Sunshine Day to me. I will point out some highlights, though. Final 12 from last season's So You Think You Can Dance? Awesome. Amanda Overmyer trying to sing anything? The second she opened her mouth to sing, the boyfriend said, "What is that?!" and then giggled every single time she opened her mouth for the entire show. Why did Amanda even show up? I did totally groove to "Freedom," though, because I fucking LOVE that song.

I also won't be recapping The Love Guru bullshit. In fact, I'm calling FOX today and demanding to be reimbursed for that five minutes of my life. I think six zeroes should do it.

Celebrities in the audience: Holly Robinson Peete, Janice Dickenson, Joel McHale and a whole bunch of past contestants including Melinda Doolittle, Bo Bice and Justin Guarini.

Celebrities on stage in run-on fashion: Seal, with Syesha, Donna Summer, with Syesha, Jimmy Kimmel, Bryan Adams, looking exactly how you'd expect him to look after not seeing him for thirty years, ZZ Top, with David Cook, Graham Nash, with Brooke White, the chaste Jonas Brothers, who I had never, ever seen before the show, One Republic, with David Archuleta, Jordin Sparks, in the least flattering dress ever made (seriously, if a dress makes your calves look fat, you need to fire your stylist), Jack Black, Ben Stiller, and Robert Downey Jr. singing backup for Fake Gladys Knight and it's not funny AT ALL, and George Michael, bespectacled and mumbly.

The Ford commercial is nothing more than a clip show set to the tune of "Let the Good Times Roll." I hate clip shows. Very lazy.

No Golden Idols this year, thank God, but we do get a performance from Renaldo Lapuz, reprising his mega-hit "I Am Your Brother," complete with a marching band and cheerleaders, and then later, Paula and Randy join him on stage and bop around uncomfortably. It's funny for about 30 seconds, and then my ears start to bleed, which really decreases my enjoyment factor.

Carrie Underwood, you guys. I mean, what?! She was wearing a suit jacket with sleeves that came down to the floor, and no pants. I mean, what?! How do you even reconcile that in your head? It's like she had pants on at one point, and then decided to cut them at the crotch and glue them to her sleeves. The thing is, Carrie Underwood seems so normal. If Dolly showed up in that, I wouldn't even blink. But I continue to be just flummoxed by the insane shit Carrie Underwood wears on stage. And now the song. Kids, let this be a lesson to you. This is what happens when you don't let Jesus take the wheel:

Last night I got served a little too much of that poison baby
Last night I did things I'm not proud of
And I got a little crazy
Last night I met a guy on the dance floor
And I let him call me baby

And I don't even know his last name
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know his last name

We left the club right around three o'clock in the morning
His Pinto sitting there in the parking lot Well it should have been a warning
I had no clue what I was getting into
So I blame it on the Cuervo
Oh where did my manners go?

And I don't even know his last name
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know his last name
Here we go...

Today I woke up thinkin' about Elvis somewhere in Vegas
I'm not sure how I got here
Or how this ring on my left hand just appeared out of nowhere
I gotta go
I take the chips and the Pinto and hit the road
They say what happens here stays here
All of this will disappear
There's just one little problem...

I don't even know my last name
Oh my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

What have I done
What have I done
What have I done
Oh, what have I done
I don't even know my last name

It turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

Carrie Underwood is a whore, yo. Results, time, FINALLY. Simon apologizes to David Cook for being hard on him, and David Cook looks so unbelievably pissed, because he's thinking that Simon totally fucked him with his criticism and Archuleta's going to win. But... it's David Cook! By 12 million votes! 98 million total!

So here's where I make my startling admission, y'all. I was touched when he won. He cried. And then he sang his crappy, awful single, "The Time of My Life," which has nothing whatsoever to do with putting baby in a corner, and he's grinning from ear to ear, and he's singing the cheesy lyrics like he really believes them, and I'll admit it: It got me righthere.

"I'm going to make a prediction," I said to the boyfriend. "David Cook is going to be more famous than Daughtry." He's skeptical, but really, just happy that the show is over and wondering why he agreed to watch it with me in the first place.

So that's it. The season was boring and made me want to stab myself in the eye, Jason Castro made my loins tingle, and the last five minutes of the finale warmed my cold, dead heart. I still fucking hate David Cook, though. Sort of.

America, Meet Your New American Idol

Well peanuts, that's it... our long national nightmare is over. David Cook is your American Idol, much to my surprise and not so much to my delight. Expect my full recap tomorrow, and I do mean "full." So much to discuss! For instance, who stole Carrie Underwood's pants? How does Simon make his chest so very red and shiny? And what on earth did George Michael mumble during his banter with Ryan? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Midol on AOL TV!

AOL Television posted a blogger prediction round-up today, and yours truly is quoted, along with a sweet link to this here blog. I think they went with my quote because it was the shortest after Mejack's, which advocated grievous bodily harm. I really thought the puppy kicking and porn references would get cut, though, but I'm glad they didn't. Check it out!

Predictions

Question:
So who do you ladies' think is going to win this thing?

Jess says:
I think the Davids will make up the final two, and my money's on creepy David Archuleta to win the whole thing. What? He's creepy. Don't front. You know he is -- you just don't want to say it out loud because he's sunshine and rainbows and puppies and if you say it, it's like you're kicking a puppy. Luckily, I kick puppies all the time so I'm fine with it. In fact, I'm kicking one right now. The judges have been ramming Archuleta down our throats like Harry Reems to Linda Lovelace all season. Why? I don't know. Is he more marketable than smarmy David Cook? I don't think so. Is he more talented than Syesha Mercado? Again, I don't think so. Are 12-year-old girls the only demographic record labels care about these days? Maybe. Can we have Jason Castro back? Please?

Curly McDimple says:
In seasons past, I've had super strong feelings about my desired American Idol. For example, the fact that I didn't douse myself with gasoline and strike a match when Taylor "The Tard" Hicks beat my beloved Tits McPhee is nothing short of a miracle.

During Season Two, I damn near gave myself calluses voting for the otherwise unremarkable… uh…. What's his face? Big fat guy with limited breathing ability and high blood pressure? Ruben Studdard! Yeah, that's it! Sure, he had a decent set of pipes but that's not why he got my vote. It was my utter contempt for Clay Aiken that made me incur a ridiculous amount of texting fees on my AT&T bill in support of Sir Wheezes-a-Lot.

Sadly, this season, I have no fire in mah belly nor a deep, abiding hatred of anyone. Sure, I think David Cook is an arrangement-pilfering douche with an unhealthy relationship with a straightening iron. And perhaps I believe that Syesha Mercado's greatest post-Idol achievement will be landing the role of Patty Simcox's swing in a production of Grease in Branson, MO. And maybe, just maybe, I firmly believe with all of my heart that wee David Archuleta is going to snap one day and take a knitting needle or a pair of scissors to Jeff Archuleta's voice box after he pooh-poohed David's reworking of "Every Heartbeat" from Amy Grant's cross-over album, Heart In Motion. She's such a polarizing trollop, that Amy Grant.

Not that I've given this all that much thought, you see…

But, honestly, I don't have much of an interest in who is going to win this year. It's anyone's game, really. And by anyone, I mean Davids Archuleta and Cook. Sorry, Syesha, you're toast this week. Between the Davids, I really couldn't give two shits, but, if I had my druthers, I'd say that wee David Archuleta's shrieking fan base will give him the edge. I also predict that Jeff Archuleta should secure all sharp objects within reach and sleep with one eye open.

Lizz says:
I'm going with smarm-boat David Cook for the win, if only because I truly believe David Archuleta's pop isn't going to let him perform in the finals--you know he's going to get in a flying rage and go all Daddy Dearest on us in the last episode, when he'll insist on taking the stage and singing those songs himself because poor little David can't be trusted not to screw up their, er, his dreams of winning it all and succeeding in the music biz, yes, that's right, David's dreams.

Maybe if David A is lucky his dad will let him work the spotlight during the final number...no wait, on second thought, I don't think he can be trusted to do that either, better let dad take care of it.

Mejack says:
All I would say is that I want to set Syesha on fire.

Top 4: Recap

Four folks left. Three have been number one in votes. Competition is closer than ever. YOU MUST VOTE! This… is… American… Idol.

Randy Jackson bedazzled his hoodie for the show. Paula Abdul came straight from her cameo in the Saturday Night Fever remake and Simon Cowell, well, looks like Simon Cowell. Ryan Seacrest's faux-haux isn't as symmetrical as I'd like.

In the audience tonight:

• Luke Menard, looking adorable and geeky.
• Jamie Lynn-Sigler, looking like one of The Real Housewives of New York City
• Carly Smithson
• Rascal Flatts, who I thought was just one dude for the longest time

It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week. We're treated to a long montage of the history of rock n' roll set to Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Night." Each contestant will sing two songs each, and the judges will critique after each performance, which Ryan explains while making a subtle dig at Paula for last week's drunken faux-pas.

David Cook

First up, "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, which came out in 1982, the year he was born. Imagine if you will a Duran Duran song getting the David Cook treatment. Any song, really. That's exactly what it was. Yawn. Paula was out of her chair dancing like a groupie on Rock of Love the whole time. Randy thought it was just okay, solid but not mad hot. The audience boos him angrily. Paula says that it left her with a big appetite. Get it? Also, ew. Then she said something about watching him grow and flourish when he does the EXACT SAME THING every week. Shut up, Paula. Simon thought it was good, but a little bit copycat. Simon then goes on to say that David didn't do what he's done in previous weeks which was to take the song and make it his own. Actually, that's exactly what he did. In previous weeks, he took someone else's song and PASSED IT OFF as his own. Simon says he'll get through to next week.

His second song was The Who's "Baba O'Riley." Now, I love this song. It's one of my top songs ever. When it started, my first thought was, "Fuck, this is really good." Then it got really bad. Then it got really good. By the time it was over, I didn't know what to think. Randy loved it. Paula wants more of David Cook, preferably with exposed penis. Simon welcomed him back.

Final thoughts: Safe.

Syesha Mercado

First up, "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. I thought she rocked it. It was sexy, fun and she sounded great. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a bad, shrieky version of Tina Turner. I just want to know what kind of arm workout she does.

Her second song was "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. She sang her heart out. I thought it was great. I also never noticed how ginormous her boobs are before tonight. Randy didn't like the arrangement and thought she oversang it. Paula loved it, and welcomed Syesha to her dream, which made her start bawling. Simon loved it, which made Syesha cry some more, and then Paula turned on the waterworks. Then Syesha? Compared her reality show experience to the civil rights movement? Huh?

Final thoughts: Bottom two, but ultimately safe.

Jason Castro

First up, "I Shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley. Which is just so… obvious that I can't even support it. You know his friends back home are sitting around a four-foot bong watching FOX and saying, "Dude! Castro is, like, totally singing Bob Marley! No way! He he! Awesome!" It wasn't very good. Randy thought it was karaoke. Paula wasn't crazy about it. Simon thought it was utterly atrocious, and compared it to a first-round audition massacre. He asked Jason what he was thinking. The answer? "Bob Marley!" (And weed)

For his second song, Jason attempted "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. And lest you think he isn't stoned all the time, he forgot the words and thought it was hilarious. I really wish Jason would let me pick his songs for him. He'd be all, "I want to do some Dylan" and I'd be all, "Splendid! Here's 'Just Like a Woman!' Now go forth and rock!" And he would. Randy said he wasn't in the zone. Paula said it didn't blow her away, but he blows her away, and if given the chance, she'd blow… oh, never mind. Too easy. Simon tells him to pack his suitcase.

Final thoughts: I voted for him several times, because I'm not ready to stop mooning over him. And he's the new Vote for the Worst pick, so he might eek out a win over Syesha, but I think I'll be saying goodbye to my dreadlocked lover.

David Archuleta

First up, "Stand By Me" Ben E. King. It was great. The crowd loved him. The judges loved him. Is there any way the kid isn't going to win the whole thing? I'm thinking no. Also, Ryan always manhandles David like an awkward father who doesn't know how to show love. Although David would probably prefer that to the beast that is Jeff Archuleta, I'm guessing.

For his second song, David sang Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender," causing 12-year-old girls across the country to spontaneously hit puberty like all the potential slayers on the last episode of Buffy, only in this case, it isn't to save the world from evil -- it's so that David Archuleta may oneday spread his seed. If anyone wants to start another LDS polygamist sect, I think we've found a new leader. And people talk about the Obama cult. Randy loved how he was tender and caressed each word. Really. He said that. Gross as hell, right? Paula said it was one of her all-time favorite performances of his. Simon said he crushed the competition.

Final thoughts: Duh.

Results Recap

The good news is, I'm all done with culinary school hell and will actually have the time and energy to post on a regular basis! The bad news is, one of these youngsters has to pack up his or her dreams and head back from whence they came.

But first there's something important we need to discuss. What is that monstrosity around Paula Abdul's neck? It looks like a flower bouquet ate and then threw up 12 diamond necklaces.

Mariah medley time. It sounds like a middle school choir performance. Everyone is pretty terrible, and it sounds like seven different songs are being sung at the same time. Ugh.

Secret boyfriend alert! Ryan knows that Simon has a grass skirt.

The kids are divided into groups, which I know because my mom called me all frantic that David Cook might be in the bottom three. Jason Castro is the first member of the group on Ryan's left. I'll call them Team Sexy. David Cook is the first member of the group on Ryan's right, which I'll be calling Team Smarmy. I have to give props to David for not playing the sick brother card. Didn't even mention it despite Ryan's prodding.

Carly Smithson joins Jason's team, forcing me to rename it. It's now Team Less Sexy. Kristy Lee rounds out Team Less Smarmy.

Ford Fusion time. "I Want to Break Free" by Queen is the song. Apparently, if you work in an office, you're a puppet, and the only thing that can save you is a ride in your Ford Fusion. No, really. I didn't make that up.

Oh, Elliott Yamin. You were my favorite underdog ever, and yet I just don't care anymore. I don't know what happened, honestly. Aw! He has "We Miss You Mom" written on his hand. That touches me. I care again. Well, I don't want to listen to him sing again, but I do care.

Syesha Mercado joins Team Less Sexy, bringing the sexy back. Brooke White joins Team Less Smarmy, making it Team Blond. Am I losing you? Let me recap:

Team Sexy: Jason, Carly and Syesha
Team Blond: David Cook, Kristy, Brooke

I know that Carly isn't particularly sexy and David Cook isn't particularly blond, but I'm going with the law of averages here, people. Try to keep up. Which team with David Archuleta join? My guess is, the one in which everyone is safe, and I have no fucking clue which one that is at this point.

Call-in question time! I hate this segment so, so much. Joan, age 23, Vegas wants to ask Kristy if she ever got back the horse she sold to get to the audition. The answer is no, and Ryan asks the dude to not be such a douchebag and sell the damn horse back already. Jillian from Maine wants to know what the first record each judge owned was. Randy's was either Led Zeppelin, Beatles or James Brown. Paula's three, because she forgot that the question only asked for one, because OxyCodone hurts your short-term memory, were Jackson Five, Earth, Wind and Fire and Carole King. Simon's was Paula Abdul. Megan, age 15, Jersey, wants to know which of Paula's songs best describes her relationship with Simon. Megan is "the" Megan from Paula's reality show, which I don't know what that means but suddenly everyone is uncomfortable. Paula does some wacky wordplay with song titles and then says "applesauce" a bunch of times while standing on her head and rubbing her stomach. I don't fucking know. And this is the point where I tune out and start asking and answering my own questions.

Jess wants to know how Simon keeps his nipples erect all the time. Simon says, "ice cube bra." Jess also wants to know why Carly allows herself to be dressed in the most unflattering manor ever. Carly asks, "What do you mean?" Jess really, really wants to know if she can see Jason Castro naked. Jason says, "I thought you'd never ask, Sexy Mama!" That's right, baby. Come to Mama…

Mariah time, which in my house means "fast-forward time." Team Sexy and Team Blond are back up on the stage. Ryan summons The Archuleta, Decider of Fortunes. David Archuleta is safe, and in a twist of fate, David Cook and Syesha trade places! David Archuleta gets to pick which group he thinks is safe, but he sits on the floor instead. Team Sexy, which is no longer Sexy at all, is safe and he joins him.

Bottom three: Kristy, Brooke and Syesha. Syesha is… SAFE! Brooke is… SAFE! Kristy Lee Cook is OUT! IN YOUR FACE VOTE FOR THE WORST! She sings out by serenading Simon from her perch on the judges' table. She sounds really rough, but she gets a pass because she was crying five seconds ago. My guess is VFTW is going to pick either Brooke or Jason next. What do you think?

Top 8 Recap

Three nights of Idol this week, peanuts. I know, I'm crying, too.

The theme is inspirational songs, because it's Idol Gives Back week. Just hearing those words come out of Ryan Seacrest's mouth brings back my debilitating migraine from this morning.

Michael Johns is up first, and he's wearing another cravat, and singing Aerosmith's "Dream On," because he came to this country with a dream. Has he always done that frown thing while he sings? It's very distracting. Seriously, who said to him, "You know what would be a totally badass signature look for you? Cravat." The arrangement of this is super weird for me. Not digging it. The high notes are awful. Randy thought it was pitchy, and gets booed by six million cravat lovers. Paula's boobs want out of that constricting sparkly dress, stat. She loved it, because she wants to bone him while he wears his cravat, and it doesn't matter what comes out of his mouth. Simon liked it more than I did, but he doesn't like it when Michael pretends to be a rock star.

"I don't actually have any Chihuahuas, Ryan."

"Take a tight shot and you'll see."

What does that even mean?! Why is Paula getting jokes that I'm not, when she's barely conscious?

Syesha Mercado is up next, and she misses Ramiele, her roommate until last week. She's singing "I Believe" by Fantasia, because she believes, and already I know this is a mistake. She sounds good, but I don't know this song so I have nothing to compare it to. I find her very talented, but she still bores me to tears. Randy thought that she didn't connect with the song the way Fantasia does. Paula thought she made it her own, and loved it. Simon thought she sang it well, but it lacked emotion. He wants her to find her own voice, instead of biting off of other talented singers. WORD.

Jason Castro is singing a version of "Over the Rainbow" by some guy with a ukulele, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I know this version, actually, and I love Jason singing it. And if he were to sing it to me naked in bed in the glow of post-coital bliss, I would love it even more. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon loved it. I've got such a lady hard-on for that boy.

Kristy Lee Cook is singing "Anyway," by Martina McBride, and it's about pouring out your soul whether people want to put you in the bottom three every week or not. She actually sounds pretty good. I can't even hate on this. Randy thought it was pitchy, but liked it. Paula thought it was her best by far. Eric McCormack is there! Simon thought it was very good, indeed, and that she looked like a star, which, it was good, but that's going a bit far.

Some dude is sitting on Simon's lap, Mike Donell from FOX who Ryan says, "Hired us all."

David Cook is singing "Innocent" from his favorite band, Our Lady Peace. Favorite? Really? Something about everyone having a good heart at the end of the day. He's wearing a white drum major jacket, and I'm a little mad at him for that. It's not his best, but I'm joining Melissa in no longer having the ability to hate David Cook, and it fucking pains me. Randy doesn't think it was his best, either. Paula thinks he's the whole package. Simon thought it was pompous, and he also hated the jacket. Mimi Rodgers does not agree. David looks super-bummed, and I almost feel bad for him.

Carly Smithson is singing, "The Show Must Go On" by Queen, because the show is going on. She sounds perfect, of course, because she always sounds perfect. I covet her earrings. Randy thought it was good, then pitchy, then just okay. Paula didn't feel the connection. Simon likes her pants, but he hated the song choice and thought she oversang it and lost control of it, and it ended up being angry. He thinks she's in trouble.

David Archuleta had a hard time picking a song because everything inspires him. He's singing "Angels" by Robbie Williams, because there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. He's awesome, naturally. I actually really like this song. Randy loved the runs, because nothing gets Randy hotter than runs. Paula thought it was fantastic. Simon thought it was the best song choice of the night, but he thought it was a bit nasally. Some little girl has a sign for David that says, "Lick Those Lips!" which is just the creepiest thing ever.

Brooke White is singing "You've Got a Friend," the Carole King version, because like everything else, it makes her happy. I'm having a hard time with this, because I hate this song with the fire of a thousand suns. She seems awfully sad singing such an uplifting song, which is odd for Brooke. She looks like she's going to cry. Randy thought it was just okay, but he wasn't mad at her. Paula thinks she's definitive, and loves her. Simon thought it was, "nice," but not original.

Bottom three: Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson, Kristy Lee Cook
Going home: Syesha Mercado. I'm giving up on sending Kristy Lee Cook home.

And if you're like me and want to watch this over and over and over, here's Jason Castro's performance:

Results Recap

"9 to 5" medley: More awful dancing. The guys all sounded super weird singing it. The girls sounded okay, even Kristy Lee Cook. The contestants came off the stage to fondle the judges for awhile. God, I hate the medleys so much. They are painfully cheesy, and not kitschy cheesy, which I like. Just straight up Gouda.

Aside: I love Dolly Parton so, so much. She's a national treasure. I do miss her old face, though. I would also like to point out that a few weeks ago, I went over to Curly's for dinner, and we discussed Dollyweek. She said, "Who's going to sing "Jolene," and I predicted Brooke White." I also predicted Kristy Lee Cook would sing "9 to 5," but at least I got one right. Actually, she technically did, in the medley, so I am a physic phenomenon!

Michael Johns is… safe! And wearing a Dolly Parton T-shirt?

David Archuleta is… safe! I think it's safe to say David Archuleta could burp his next song and be safe.

Carly Smithson is… safe! And I can't decide if I think her yellow top is flattering or not. It's hard to pull off yellow if you're not Brooke White, because she is the sun in human form.

Commercial time. I have to see if my tater tots are done. And my tater tots are… not done!

I am not digging Seacrest's fauxhawk at all.

Call-in time! Haley, age 13, wants to know what Syesha misses most about her home life. Answer: hanging out with friends and family. This segment is so fucking boring. Robert, also age 13, wants to know what talent David Cook would like to have. Answer: organization -- he's a slob. I'm falling asleep here. Bill, age 26, wants to know who Randy, in all his skull-shirted glory, hasn't worked with. Answer: he'd like to work with the next American Idol! Kyle, age 17, wants to know what Michael Johns and David Cook want to sing on the tour. Answer: they haven't thought about it yet. Mary, age 52, has a question for Simon. Why does he feel it's necessary to apologize after a negative critique? Answer: Simon is officially off the hook! No apologies from now on.

The Clark Brothers sang, "This Little Light of Mine." Badly. The singer is a bizarro, less cute Jordan Catalano singing "I Want to be Sedated" after Rayanne choked and ran off the stage. Luckily my tots are done, and in case you were wondering, yes, I'm going to eat my tots, and no, you can't eat them.

Ford commercial. "It's Tricky," which I enjoy very much when I listen to my Clueless soundtrack. The Idol hopefuls are facing off with a bunch of black guys in basketball. Because black guys are good at basketball, duh. Not good enough to beat this group of skinny, multi-ethnic midgets, though! Just kidding. They aren't all midgets. Just some of them.

David Cook is… safe, healthy and sporting questionable hair.

Ramiele Malubay is… in the bottom three! And wearing a Britney T-shirt?

Kristy Lee Cook is… in the bottom three! And she brought some sort of note claiming her silver seat.

Past Idol update. Bucky moved to Nashville, got a record deal and has two singles out. Phil Stacey grew a beard, looks like my boyfriend now, and has a country album coming out soon. Bo Bice had three intestinal surgeries, took a year off, built a recording studio and put out an album getting back to his southern rock roots. He needs a haircut now more than ever. He's also a dad now, which he seems to enjoy.

Syesha Mercado is… safe! And wearing a Paula Abdul T-shirt?

Brooke White is… in the bottom three! Holy crap! My beloved Jason Castro is safe!

Ramiele is boob height to Kristy and Brooke. Heee.

Idol Gives Back time. An Ethiopian girl living in poverty was given a home and was separated from her sister. After searching, she found her, and their reunion was really touching. They're both off the streets now and in a shelter.

Dollytime! Singing "Jesus and Gravity" from her new album "Backwoods Barbie." LOVE. She is wearing the craziest outfit EVER, and it is awesome because it's Dolly. She looks like a bride at a wedding at a retirement community for active seniors in Boca Raton, Florida whose next door neighbor from Texas, Betty Jo, took a look at her white capri pants and cape and said, "It's nice, Dolly, but it needs more pizzazz! Let me get my Bedazzler!" And then they drank white wine spritzers and spent the night bedazzling and gossiping about Martha down the hall, who is a TOTAL SLUT. And Jordin Sparks and Holly Robinson Peete fucking loved every second of it. Speaking of crazy outfits, Paula Abdul has some sort of weird cutouts on her shiny blouse. She looks like a Russian stripper.

Results time. Randy predicts Ramiele is out. Simon predicts it won't be Brooke. Brooke is emotional and can't stop talking. Brooke is… safe! And Kristy Fucking Lee Fucking Cook is safe AGAIN. I shake my fist at Vote for the Worst. Which means that Ramiele is going bye-bye. I'm not sad, because she showed so much promise early on and then never really delivered, and if I learned anything from my parade of shitty ex-boyfriends, it's that you can't fall in love with someone's potential. She's young, though, she'll be fine. And successful. She pulled herself together to do a decent sing-out, which I always like to see.

Top Chef time, kiddies. Stay tuned for a news update later this week.

Top 10: Results Recap

Later, Fat Alfonso Ribeiro. But before we get to the results…

You officially have until March 31st to enter your schmaltzy, forgettable song for the songwriter competition. Get composing, Marcy.

The medley was painful, especially the David Cook/Michael Johns chest bump. A close second was Kristy Lee Cook's singing, and third, as much as it pains me to say it, Jason Castro's dancing, although he's still adorable even when he's in full-on dork mode. It's endearing, really.

We got to see the Idol hopefuls in the studio recording the full-length versions of their performances for iTunes. David Cook sort of admitted that he looks for other people's arrangements on iTunes so he can steal them as pass them off as his own (or at least he did before the show got some flack, and now we get a quickly worded, barely audible plug for the original cover artist from Seacrest).

FYI, if I had to sing a song from the year I was born, it would be "Lovin' You," and I'd use Eric Cartman's arrangement, and give him full credit.

Hey, Carly Smithson isn't pregnant! You know why we didn't report that rumor? Because we're girls, and we know the danger of wearing an empire waist when you have hips and normal-sized arms, that's why. Once, while wearing an ill-advised empire waist dress at a department store, an elderly woman in a wheelchair nearly ran me over and then said, "Watch out, honey! I don't want to hurt your baby!" Yeah.

Ford commercial time. I have to say, I'm enjoying them more this season. This one was to Cheap Trick's "I Want You to Want Me." They're still cheesy, sure, but the production values are better and they actually do interesting things. In this case, showing performances on T-shirts, CD cases, etc. I dug it.

I find it hard to believe that Chris Cornell called up Ryan Seacrest to rave about David Cook, by the way. And why did David have a scarf hanging down the back of his leg? Is that the new edgy chain wallet, only for like, pussies?

God, the new Q&A section is killing me this season. First question: Is Chikezie single? Yes, he is. Second: Why did David Archuleta pick a song that no one knows? Because it's one of his favorite songs, that's why. Third: How can she get Ryan Seacrest's job? Simon's answer: You don't need talent. He'll be paying for that later when Seacrest is withholding sex out of spite. Fourth: Who would Brooke White do a duet with? John Mayer. I think it's safe to say John Mayer would sully Brooke White beyond recognition. Fifth: Is Simon the most attractive person on the show? Simon says, "Have you SEEN my chest hair and dazzling teeth?" (He didn't actually say that.)

I can't even snark on Kimberly Locke. I find her tremendously likeable. She put out an album, lost 40 pounds and opened up a restaurant. Okay, I lied. I will snark on the boob mashing, goth prom atrocity she was wearing to perform in. What WAS that? It was totally something that the "So You Think You Can Dance" contestants would wear while dancing to a Wade Robsen-choreographed contemporary dance piece about a lady zombie who fell in love with a dude just as she was about to eat his brain, and decided to pirouette around him instead of having a cranial snack. She sounded good, anyway, but the song was kind of boring.

Last year, Idol Gives Back provided 120 million meals, 4,000 life-saving immunizations and 25,000 books. I won't give all the details about this year's lineup, because we already did and I've had a long-ass fucking day, but watch it. I'm sure my cold-withered heart will grow three sizes larger.

Bottom three were Chikezie Eze, obviously, Syesha Mercado (P.S. WHY DO YOU HATE BLACK PEOPLE, AMERICA?) and my Jason Castro, which hurt. I guess Kristy Lee Cook's pandering for the redneck vote worked. And Simon's inexplicable praise of said pandering. If they ever brought Hee-Haw back, wouldn't she be a great Hee-Haw girl?

I really wish the producers would let the ousted contestant sing their best song on the way out. I think it would be a bit nicer, both for the contestant and also for those of us who have to listen to it.

Later, kiddies. I have to go back and watch Tuesday's show now, and it's already midnight. Good thing I'm unemployed, eh?

Friday News Update: Now With More Hoff!

So remember when Taylor Hicks won American Idol, and David Hasselhoff and I both burst into tears, me because I was weeping for the utter stupidity of my dialing countrypersons, and the Hoff because he was presumably one of said countrypersons? Well, not so, as it turns out. He of the momentous German fame told TMZ that he was sitting next to his friend who had brain cancer who has since passed on his birthday. And I'm not going to even snark on that, because I do have a shriveled heart in there somewhere. You can watch the video here.

Jeff Archuleta, father of David, is apparently a giant prick. He makes Joe Simpson look like an affable, loving gent who isn't at all creepily obsessed with his daughter Jessica's breasts, in fact. Jeff likes to harass David's competitors (i.e. Tiffany Evans on Star Search) and yell at little David all the time. Full story here.

Who will replace Amanda Overmyer as Vote for the Worst's newest poster girl? Why, Kristy Lee Cook, of course! I'm officially sick of VFTW. That chick has already overstayed her welcome by about three weeks. Story here.

Sing that Kumbaya in key, bitches! Idol Camp is back for its second year, with guest mentors Ace Young, Bo Bice and Jon Peter Lewis. Here's the baffling part of the story -- it says Ace Young was nominated for a Grammy?! "And the award for best camera fucker goes to..." Full story here.

Not to start a pro-life/pro-choice debate, but I think this is just whack -- "Idol Gives Back," the charity program of "American Idol," is not worthy of support from people who regard unborn life as sacred, a pro-life leader says." If you want to read the rest, it's here. If you're anything like me and prone to rage, you might want to just skip it.

Thievy McCopyrightinfringementpants, aka David Cook, is being taken to task for yet another stolen arrangement. Apparently his rocked-out version of "Eleanor Rigby" belonged to a band called Doxology, and they released a statement (Read it here). I'm guessing that's probably why David actually gave credit to Whitesenake for their arrangement last week.

A Public Service

From the inbox:

Where can I find the dress that Syesha Mercado was wearing on last night's show (3/18/08)? Who was the manufacturer or where was it purchased? Website? Thanks. - Geri

Well Geri, it's a good thing we have some fashionista friends (Thanks Betony!) who can answer these difficult questions. I believe this is the dress you speak of, yes?



You can buy it here. And, if anyone has $400 burning a hole in your pocket, I'm a size 6. Thanks in advance.

Top 11 Recap

Seriously. Why do we have to suffer through another Beatles week? Oh, okay. Last week was Lennon/McCartney, and this is the Beatles. Now I get it. That's totally different. Thanks for clearing that up, Ryan. Is Nigel Lithgoe trying to kill us?

I count TWO Simon winks at Ryan before the show even gets started. Maybe my friend Amanda is right and they are secret boyfriends.

Amanda Overmyer
Her most memorable moment so far was being on the big stage for the first time. Not like performing on a flatbed truck, that's for sure! She's singing "Back in the USSR" because it's upbeat. I hate to say this, but it didn't suck. Really, I don't just hate to say it -- it physically hurts.
Randy: Perfect song choice, but pitchy in the beginning. 7 out of 10, but it was good!
Paula: Sketchy at first, timing off. A little ahead of the beat. But she's unique. Wants to see her do a ballad.
Simon: Predictable, bit of a mess in parts. Needs to surprise people with something new before she gets boring.
Amanda says, "Whatever, I'm awesome and this Idol shit is lame! Suck it!" (I'm paraphrasing)

Kristy Lee Cook
She looks through her "photo book" every night to remind her of home. She has a cute dog named Autumn. She secretly hates Randy Jackson. Maybe I made that last part up. Maybe I didn't. You'll never know. Her most memorable moment(s) was being in the bottom every week because she sucks, and then not going home because she's hot. She's doing "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away," because she likes the title. For real. She's predictably terrible.
Randy: Interesting arrangement, but boring until the end.
Paula: She looked gorgeous, which is code for she sucked.
Simon: Needs hypnosis because she's a bad performer. "Musical wallpaper." Heee.
Kristy says, "I may suck now, but wait until I shift into full sock-blowing mode!"

David Archuleta
His most memorable moment was singing "Imagine." Not so memorable was forgetting the lyrics. He's doing "The Long and Winding Road" for no reason. It bored me to tears, and his vaguely constipated facial expressions made me uncomfortable.
Randy: He brought the hotness back to his game.
Paula: Exciting and wonderful performance.
Simon: Amazing.
The hell?

Performance by Kellie Pickler tomorrow! Aw yeah, I'm going to have a field day with that one.

Michael Johns
His most memorable moment was singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" during Hollywood Week. He's doing "A Day in the Life" because he thinks it's Lennon and McCartney's "masterpiece." I like Michael Johns. I think he's an understated, but very good performer, and I like his voice. I do not like this arrangement, though. At all.
Randy: Wrong song choice.
Paula: Dress rehearsal, blah blah, monitors, blah blah, Simon, blah blah. She hated it.
Simon: It was a mess.
Michael says, "I want to dedicate that crappy performance to my friend who passed away. It was his favorite song. How do you feel now, judges? Guilty?"

Brooke White
Brooke looks like the sun itself in a flappy yellow dress. Because she's a ray of sunshine sent down to the Earth to make us all smile and forget our troubles. Her most memorable moment was singing "Let It Be" and getting emotional. She's singing "Here Comes the Sun" because she IS the sun! I found it pretty weak compared to her last two performances. In fact, it sucked. And she should never attempt to dance again, ever.
Randy: It was awkward.
Paula: Liked the low notes, but pretty much hated it.
Simon: Performance terrible. Horrible dancing, lack of conviction.
Brooke says, "It's okay. Everything's okay. I will continue to shine my light on you anyway, because the sun is not spiteful. It only shines."

David Cook
His most memorable moment was stealing "Eleanor Rigby" last week (more on David's chronic thievery later this week). This week, he's doing "Daytripper" and wow, he just gave credit to Whitesnake for the arrangement. Mom loves David Cook, which hurts me. She also loved Chris Daughtry, so it makes sense. I guess his performance was okay, but I was bored.
Randy: Not his best, but still solid.
Paula: Ready to go sell records. Liked the voice box.
Simon: Not as good as David thought it was. Smug. YES! Lost his element of surprise.
David says, "I learned my lesson about being a douche when I'm criticized, so I'm going to say exactly what I'm supposed to, that I'll take the criticism and learn from it for next week, if I'm here. Oh come on, let's be honest. Of course I'll be here. I'm fucking awesome and everyone knows it."

Carly Smithson
Her most memorable moment was when Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson. She's singing "Blackbird," because her brother sang it growing up, and she wants to do a ballad for a change. Carly has pretty much a perfect voice, and I liked it a lot. I also love that song, which didn't hurt. But what on Earth was she wearing? You can't pull off a ruffled neckline when you have that many tattoos.
Randy: Very nice. Cooliosis factor. (Yeah, I don't know either)
Paula: Loved it.
Simon: Hated song choice. Indulgent.
Carly says, "This song represents my struggle with the music industry. We're all broken birds. Take that, Simon!" She got a "7" tattooed on her hand, because she's the 7th contestant this week and it's the 7th season of Idol.

Jason Castro
His most memorable moment was singing "Hallelujah." Mine too, Jason. He's singing "Michelle" because it's a real dynamic song and he gets to speak French. I loved it. He's so awesome and adorable. And he loves me, needs me and wants me. Guess what, Jason? You can have me!
Randy: Just all right for him.
Paula: He has a very distinct charm and Paula wants to bone him. She found it uncomfortable and a little awkward.
Simon: His face sold it, very charming and not obnoxious. His goofiness makes it work.

Syesha Mercado
Syesha looks gorgeous. I want that dress. Her most memorable moment was being in the bottom three. She needed it because she needed that kick in her butt. She's singing "Yesterday," because she did a Beatles medley in middle school and the song touched her and she wants to touch everyone. The pacing was super weird and off for me.
Randy: Very good performance.
Paula: Beautiful how she let herself be vulnerable. Needs to make more eye contact.
Simon: Best performance so far.

Chikezie Eze
His most memorable moment was the first round in Hollywood where all the judges complimented him. He's singing "I've Just Seen a Face" with an instrument that he doesn't know how to play. That's smart. I think it started out boring and then got good.
Randy: Liked the fast part, hated the slow. (Word!)
Paula: He did it again!
Simon: Thought the harmonica was atrocious. Gimmicky and not as good as last week.

Ramiele Malubay
Her most memorable moment was making lots of new friends. Brooke is her mom and David Cook is her big brother. She's singing "I Should Have Known Better" because it's upbeat and she bored the judges to tears last week. She's wearing a very strange outfit, but I think she's pretty good.
Randy: Not jumping up and down, but liked it. It was aiight.
Paula: Better than last week, but didn't showcase her vocals enough.
Simon: Sounded amateurish and chose a mediocre song.

Bottom three: Ramiele Malubay, Kristy Lee Cook, Chikezie Eze
Going home: Kristy Lee Cook. Please, America. Send her home.

Results, Etc: Hot Chicks, Bad Accesorizing, and the Problem With Syesha

We learned some very important lessons tonight.

The first is, if you're a hot chick and you're lacking in the talent department, you'll be safe on American Idol for longer than you deserve. Don't worry, though, hot chicks with mediocre talent don't win.

The second is, if you're a talented singer who doesn't connect with your audience on an emotional level at all, it doesn't matter how many notes you can hit: your days are numbered.

And the third lesson, which is the most important, and Randy Jackson, please take note -- if you're wearing a sweater with a busy neckline, not only is a necklace unnecessary, it's offensive.

So, apparently there are some people who deemed it necessary to call and write begging for more Lennon/McCartney. Because of this, we're going to be subjected to it again next week. Who are these people? Show yourselves! I bet they're the same people who sent in the retarded questions for the new call-in section. Oh, and I'm brainstorming a question that will actually get me on the air, FYI.

Celebs in attendance: Jim Carrey, Sanjaya and Shymali Malakar, and Katharine McPhee with a boring performance. She looked great, though. And I think she winked at her creepy old husband during it. I bet she has daddy issues.

We also had our first Ford commercial tonight, an election parody set to the tune of Cake's "Going the Distance." I thought it was cute. I especially liked the behind-the-podium shots.

29 million votes, people, and at least six million and twelve of them were me voting for Jason Castro. Can you beat that, Melissa? It's on. Start working that dial finger.

Top 12: Recap

This is the week we butcher songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook. How coked up did Seacrest seem? Answer: a lot. Also, why did they get all the "ethnic" contestants out of the way first?

Syesha Mercado: "Gotta Get You Into My Life"
Syesha is a "working actress." Nothing on IMDB, so I'm not buying it. It was pretty good, but I wish she had either lost the shirt or buttoned it up. It looks like she's doing a hungover Walk of Shame. Not as screamy as usual, anyway. Randy and Paula thought it was okay. Simon thought it was better than okay, but that she needs to get her nerves in check.

Chikezie Eze: "She's a Woman"
I haven't been a huge Chikezie fan, but I thought he rocked this. The judges agreed. Ryan went fucking bonkers. I blame the coke.

Ramiele Mulabey: "In My Life"
Ramiele works in a sushi restaurant and smells like soy sauce. Her song is dedicated to Danny Noriega. I thought it started out good then got boring. The judges agreed, except for Simon, who hated the beginning.

Jason Castro: "If I Fell"
I voted for him about six billion times. He's Columbian, by the way, for all of you Googlers looking for "Jason Castro ethnicity." It wasn't his best performance to date, but he's just a joy to watch. I can't stop smiling when he's on that stage. Randy thought it was just all right. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a boring bedroom performance.

The Kardashians were there!

Carly Smithson: "Come Together"
I've had a problem with Carly through this competition. She looks like a badass, but she wants to sing Celine Dion songs. I can't reconcile that in my head. She rocked the house tonight, though. She has a tremendous voice. The crowd went wild. Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson, and I can't disagree.

David Cook: "Eleanor Rigby"
I thought it was shaky and all over the place, but the judges wet themselves. It's official: We have our Chris Daughtry. Might I hope we get a surprise vote off as well? I hate to admit this, but I think he'd be hot with better hair. His hair hurts me.

Brooke White: "Let it Be"
This is the Beatles' last single. I did not know that. She seems uncomfortable behind the piano, like she doesn't know how to connect with the audience from that vantage point. She plays barefoot, which I find oddly endearing. The judges love it. I liked it a whole lot.

David Hernandez: "I Saw Her Standing There"
I was longing for Tiffany during this. It was okay. I liked it more than the judges, who thought it was overdone. Simon deemed it corny. Ryan says "Hernandez" the way Alex Trebec says, "Nicaragua."

Amanda Overmyer: "Can't Do That"
Dig the extensions. Don't dig the Steven Tyler get-up. It was fine, but I'm so over her. Did she lose a ton of weight, or is it the vertical stripes? Randy and Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty and slurry, but still likes her.

Tyrese was there!

Michael Johns: "Across the Universe"
I dug it. Ryan thought it was just okay. Paula loved it, because she wants to bone him. Simon found it monotonous.

Kristy Lee Cook: "Eight Days a Week"
Awful. Just awful. The country thing did not work, and she has crazy eyes. The judges all hated it. Simon deemed it "horrendous."

David Archuleta: "We Can Work It Out"
Forgot the words, lost his confidence, wouldn't stop licking his lips, butchered the whole thing. Everyone hated it.

Bottom three: David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay and Kristy Lee Cook
Going home: Ramiele Malubay

Results: America, Meet Your Top 12

The royal WE built them a new stage and bought them some Beatles songs to butcher. This is American Idol.

Oh Christ. Blake Lewis. The boyfriend and I watched his video on one of those Music On Demand channels. He liked it. I broke up with him. Okay, I didn't, but I thought about it for a second or two. Apparently Blake didn't get the memo about removing one shiny item of clothing before leaving the house. Paula's rocking out in an inexplicable hat. I want to shoot myself.

While we're having a commercial break, did anyone notice how unbelievably unhappy Amanda Overmyer was last night? I thought for sure TMZ would be on it today, but alas. Maybe I'll find something when I do my super sexy news update tomorrow.

Over 36 million votes this week. I like Ryan's suit. The judges are awfully silly this season. I think everyone's dipping into Paula's Kool-Aid.

David Cook is... IN! And Lionel Richie loves him.

David Archuleta is... IN! And he makes people happy. He and Brooke White do a Mormon fist-pump.

Jason Castro is... IN! And he loves me! Okay, I made that up. He hasn't even met me. Yet.

Man, I can't wait until Amanda Overmyer gets voted off and spills why she was so upset in an interview. And if it has "American Midol Blog" in it, even better. for the traffic, not for our souls. We're clearly going to hell.

Brooke White is... IN! I didn't recap last night, but I did love her performance.

Syesha Mercado is... IN! I found her screamy.

Kady Malloy is... OUT! Which means we have to hear that awful song again. Also, she looks pregnant in that dress. I think she should host TRL. Asia'H is inconsolable. Ouch, this hurts. I'm fast-forwarding. Man, Ramiele is a cryer, huh? Danny Noriega is also crying. Buncha fucking pansies on this show.

David Hernandez is... IN! No more stripper poles for him!

Michael Johns is... IN! Duh.

Luke Menard is... OUT! Jess is two for two! I also predicted Kady and Kristy Lee Cook, but I didn't post it.

Paula looks like a glitter demon is trying to eat her brain. And she is shaking it hard for Luke. Totally wants to bang him. I think he should become a soap star. I love how bored Simon looks.

Danny Noriega and Chikezie Eze left. Who's going home? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Ramiele Malubay is... IN!

Carly Smithson is... IN! Duh. Duh for all the foreigners tonight.

Amanda Overmyer is... IN! And she looks bummed about it. What the fuck is going on with that girl?

Asia'H Epperson and Kristy Lee Cook are left. Who will it be? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Hey, have you heard that this is the most talented season EVER?

Asia'H Epperson is... wait, no.

Kristy Lee Cook is... IN! And Asia'H is going home. The hell? So now we're down to one black girl and one generic blond. That sounds about right as far as these things generally play out. What will they do about all the gays on the boy's side?

Her singout is making me misty, what with all the holding back the tears and the dead dad and whatnot. I must be overtired. And I think Paula is on ecstasy.

Danny and Chikezie are holding hands, which just made me laugh out loud. My cat looked at me like, "Dude, shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

Chikezie is... IN! Hey, remember a couple of seconds ago when I asked what was going to happen with all the gays? Uh huh.

Goddammit. Why does my DVR always have to cut off the last few minutes of the show? I shake my fist at you, Time Warner Cable!

There you have it, folks. Your top 12. I may be surprised, but I'm not sad. When Jason Castro goes, though? Someone better show up at my place with a bottle of Riesling and a Vicodin.

Not to be petty or anything...

... but have you noticed all the press Vote for the Worst is getting for the David Hernandez stripper thing? And did you also notice that we posted about it more than a week before they did? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it's not the biggest of deals. But still. I mean, it was the first nasty rumor we've ever posted that didn't come from another website. Give us some credit. Or, you know, the guy who sent the tip in.

Top 16 Recap: Da Boys

The 80s. I'm pretty psyched.

Luke Menard
Luke's most embarrassing 80s outfit was the one where his sister dressed him up in a tutu because she wanted a little sister. He's singing Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," and it's every bit as bad as you'd expect from cute, yet not very talented, Luke. It's too high and the pacing is all weird. I'd also to state for the records that on seven seasons of Idol, I have never liked a falsetto. Randy: Corny. Paula: She choreographed Wham's tour, and then some other stuff about how much she likes him even though he blows. Simon hated it, and thought it was girly. Simon and I are on the same page again, finally. Golly Luke's cute, though.

David Archuleta
Phil Collins. Ugh. He's very monochromatic and has to pee. His most embarrassing moment -- and when did we go from outfits from the 80s to moments? I was looking forward to the outfits -- was when he was singing for a fundraiser in Honduras and lost his voice, and his mom had to finish the song. He's playing the piano and singing, "Another Day in Paradise," and it's a lesser offensive Phil Collins song and he's awesome, of course. He lost the piano really quickly, though. Who is he, Kip Winger with the instrument as prop bullcrap? Randy didn't love the song choice. Paula wet herself twice, obviously. Simon wanted him to stay at the piano. Word! And he found it gloomy. Whatever – lil' David isn't going anywhere. Simon predicts "Final 2."

Denise Richards is there! She looks like a mannequin!

Danny Noriega
His friend tripped him in front of one of his crushes, and he ran. He's doing unspeakable things to Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" and has purple streaks in his hair. Okay, he pulled me back in. He has a shockingly good voice. It was still super weird for me. Randy hated the first half but loved the end. Paula likes how "real" he is, which I take several issues with. Simon hated it six ways to Sunday.

David Hernandez
He was doing a photo shoot (for his stripping career) and when he got the proofs back, he had a giant booger in his nose. Also, confession time. I love Celine Dion's version of this song. The Internets tell me someone called Pandora's Box did it, too, and I'm not sure which version David did, but I loved it. To put my love for this song into context, my all-time favorite band is Pantera. In fact, when he gets done singing, I'm going to rewind it and sing along. He's awesome, of course, and I'm full of glee. Has a dude ever sung a Celine song on this show before? I don't think so. Pretty ballsy, or vagina-y, however you want to look at it. Randy liked it but thought he was a little sharp at times. Paula thinks he got his groove back. Simon didn't like it as much as last week, but thinks he'll be there for sure next week. My version after the rewinding was not quite as good, FYI, and I'm pretty sure my landlords are going to evict me because of it.

Michael Johns
Sexy, sexy accent. Most embarrassing moment? Mascot work. Dressed as a kangaroo named "Boomer," and he got beat up by some guys in front of 20,000 people. He's singing Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)" and I love it from the first note. Randy thinks he's Michael Hutchens. I wouldn't go that far. Paula thinks the song choice was perfect. Simon liked it, but didn't love it. He thinks he's a better soul singer than a rock one.

David Cook
His most embarrassing moment was when he sang "Sandman," by America at a talent show as a little kid, and forgot the lyrics and stood there like a chump. He looks like an "after" shot of a Kid Rock makeover in that video, by the way. He's singing, "Hello," and I want to hate it but I don't, which makes me hate him even more. Randy loves it. Paula loves it. They both think it could be a hit today. Simon thinks Lionel Richie would love it.

Jason Castro
Finally! His most embarrassing moment was when he went out on a date with a girl and ripped one of his dreads off at the dinner table. She went out with him again, though, because how could she not? He's ditched the guitar, and totally spit while he was singing, but I don't care because he can do no wrong. Ever. He's rocking Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. Randy liked it. Paula liked his beautiful vulnerability. Simon thought it was brilliant. I voted for him three times.

Chikezie Eze
He went to the same bathroom every day in high school and then realized it was the women's room. He sounds good singing "All the (Wo)man That I Need" by Whitney Houston, but I'm still not feeling him. Also, whenever I hear this song and hear, "she fills me up," I think of Election and it grosses me out. Did they make him cut it short? Because it seemed awfully short. Also, when I tried to vote for Jason, I accidentally voted for Chikezie. So if he stays and someone great goes, it's probably my fault. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon found it to be cabaret.

The guys are pretty awesome this season, I have to say. I wish the girls were half as interesting.

Favorite: Jason Castro
Least favorite: Luke Menard
Going home: Luke and Chikezie

Monday News Update

Castoffs Dish to MTV
Robbie Carrico, Alexandrea Lushington, Jason Yeager and Alaina Whitaker sat down with MTV to discuss Britney Spears, wig allegations, David Archuleta being a big crybaby, almost being in O-Town,and the shock of one generic blond getting sent home while another stays. Fascinating stuff.

Why Jess Can Never Have Kids
An Indianapolis woman was so engrossed in American Idol that she forgot her three-year-old daughter was taking a bath. The kid almost drowned, and her other four kids were placed in protective custody. Bad mother, or really great seventh season? You decide.

Odds on Asia'H
Gambling 911, which gave us some serious link love last week, has compiled the best bets for this season's Idol hopefuls. Asia'H Epperson and David Archuleta have the best odds so far.

Imagine No Magic Underwear
Alleged Mormon Brooke White is now a confirmed Mormon, and also an LDS member? David Archuleta. That's probably why he cut the first verse of Imagine.

Josiah Leming Probably Never Going Away
A Fort Wayne, Indiana radio station gave the cult kid a free car to live in, some clothes and "other gifts." Also, he's made 40 grand selling his music online. You know what you can do with 40 grand? Pay rent. Just a thought.

SHOCKING Ramiele Malubay Photo
Are you ready for it? The shocking lesbian photo that is taking the Internets by storm? Can you handle it? Here goes:



Not a Real Shocker
Not that anyone wants to see them, but apparently Amanda Overmyer has some nudie photos out there somewhere. Don't we all, really? When we see 'em, we'll post 'em. Conside yourself warned. Also, when Amanda isn't forcing out constipated grunts into a mic, she can usually be found drunk driving. Here's the mug shot from her October 2006 arrest:



Speaking of scandals, anyone got any pics of David Hernandez stripping? If so, please send them to our eagerly awaiting email box. We'll give you big kisses. With tongue.

Top 20: Results Recap

Well, kids, there you have it. Almost 31 million people voted this week, and apparently a lot of them actually like Amanda Overmyer and Luke Menard. Luke's cute, so I can get that, but WHO THE HELL IS VOTING FOR AMANDA?! Dialers, show thyself! (Oh, I totally forgot about Dial Idol. Let's go see who they predicted. Okay, they had it too close to call.)

Here's who will not be your next American Idol: Jason Yeager, Alexandrea Lushington, Alaina Whitaker and Robbie Carrico.

Here are some things from the show worth mentioning, says me:

- David Cook is wearing a tuxedo T-shirt. David Cook, why are you trying so hard to make me hate you?

- Robbie took my advice about never removing the bandanna and showing us his nasty wig again. (Thanks to Jess for the link -- awesome name, lady.)

- Davd Archuleta was inconsolable during Alexandrea's singout. Ryan Seacrest also seemed a little choked up. That, or he finally hit puberty.

- Cat Deeley from So You Think You Can Dance? was in the audience. Love her!

And now, some announcements:

- March 11th: Top 12. Ruben Studdard recorded the new exit song. Nigel and company finally got their grubby little hands on the Lennon/McCartney song book, which means Beatles week. Prediction: Michael Johns will sing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds and David Cook will sing Helter Skelter. Anyone want to bet me? Ooooh, I'm sensing a contest coming up! Stay tuned.

- April 9th: "Idol Gives Back." Last year, they raised 75 million dollars for Katrina victims and Africa, and won an Emmy. This year, they're going to have; Brad Pitt, Miley Cyrus, Reese Witherspoon, Mariah Carey, Daughtry and Carrie Underwood.

- Robbie Carrico has an insanely beautiful girlfriend for a former boy bander with a bad wig and an identity complex.

Check in for new updates early next week. I'm unemployed and have a new laptop on the way -- I may even post that shit DAILY!

Top 20 Recap: Boys

70s week. Jesus. Kill me now.

Michael Johns 'Go Your Own Way' (Fleetwood Mac)
Michael Johns has a shocking secret, y'all. He plays tennis. Yawn. Double yawn on his song. It was okay, but nothing remotely "wow" about it. Still hot, though. I'd do him. So would Paula Abdul, obviously.

Jason Castro 'I Just Want to Be Your Everything' (Bee Gees)
Jason Castro IS my everything. God he's adorable. His shocking secret is that he doesn't like to talk, which works out just fine for me, because I have no talking in mind whatsoever. (Sorry, I get a little frisky when I have my period. TMI!) The judges think he didn't pick such a great song, and I agree. They also thing he should lose the guitar next week. Again, I agree.

Luke Menard 'Killer Queen' (Queen)
You know, I don't really like to talk about my fair. That said, Luke is only rocking the required amount of flair, and if he wants to emulate Freddie Mercury, he's going to have to step it up a bit methinks. Don't you want to express yourself, Luke? Also, shocking secret: Homeboy sings in an a capella group.

Robbie Carrico 'Hot Blooded' (Foreigner)
Is anyone shocked to find out that Robbie drag races? I'm not. Everything about Robbie is overcompensation for being in a boy band -- the long hair, the wallet chain, the bandanna, the "rock," the drag racing ... this guy is knee-deep in an identity crisis. Speaking of the bandanna, I take back everything I said about it last week -- he should never, ever take it off again. The performance was okay, but it felt a little boring and safe, which is my general feeling on the guys up to this point this week.

Danny Noriega 'Superstar' (The Carpenters)
Danny's secret is he used to be in a terrible punk band. I didn't love this performance -- a bit old-fashioned for someone sorting such a kicky sweater. I did like he he managed to be bitchy, respectful and funny all at once during his criticism, though.

David Hernandez 'Papa Is a Rolling Stone' (The Temptations)
David Hernandez used to be a gymnast, which I bet made him a very popular stripper. If, you know, that stripper thing is actually true, which is may not be, but those smoldering gazes tonight made me think it might be. Anyway, I thought he rocked this. I forgot how awesome he is. And I like that he showed a bit of personality to boot. He gets all my dollar bills.

Jason Yeager 'Long Train Running' (The Doobie Brothers)
Oh, Jason Yeager. Such a nice fella. So bound for a Carnival cruise line. Maybe he and Haley Scarnato can tour together. His secret is that e plays a lot of instruments, and fathered a child before he hit puberty. Okay, I made that last part up.

Chikezie Eze 'I Believe to My Soul' (Donny Hathaway)
Chikezie's secret is that his name is Nigerian and actually sounds much cooler the way it's actually pronounced. He won me over a bit this week, but the wink pissed me off a little. Don't wink, people. It's not cute -- it's smarmy.

David Cook 'All Right Now' (Free)
I am so torn about David Cook. On the one hand, he's a word nerd. Me too! That makes me want to like him. On the other hand, his hair. On the other hand, when he performs, I generally lie it. On the other hand, don't give Simon attitude -- it makes you look like a defensive douche. I would liken my opinion of David Cook to that of Linkin Park -- I've been trying to hate that band for years but then I find myself jamming out to a song on the radio and say, "Who's this?" and inevitably, it's Linkin Park.

David Archuleta 'Imagine' (John Lennon)
David's secret is that he went to the first season finale and sang for everyone in the lobby and Kelly Clarkson called him "dude" and gave him a big hug. And I'm going to be totally honest here, unlike the sugarcoating and being too nice that I usually do -- I did not get this kid up until now. I mean, sure, great voice. Cute enough kid. But "eh." This performance sealed it for me, though -- I thought it was fantastic. I mean, he made Paula Abdul cry! No one's ever done that! Okay, that wasn't true. I'm a liar.

Favorite: David Archuleta
Least favorite: Luke Menard
Going home: Jason Yeager and Luke Menard

Top 24 Recap: The Ladies

More Ryan Seacrest bullshit about the best talent pool ever. I wish he'd just be honest and say it gets worse every year, but that he and Simon are going to flirt with each other even more to make up for it. Also, who keeps doing that to Paula's hair? That person should be fired immediately.

Kristy Lee Cook: "Rescue Me" (Aretha Franklin)
I believe we have this season's Haley Scarnato. Let's see if she stays around long enough to wear a scrunchie for a skirt. Terrible song choice, although she sounded pretty good at the end.

Joanne Borgella: "I Say a Little Prayer" (Dionne Warwick)
Joanne is really pretty. And extremely likeable. That said, I thought the song kind of swallowed her -- I'm not sure if it's her fault or the arrangement, but it didn't work for me. Simon was really harsh on her, I think, but she handled it like a champ. Her parents were super pissed, though. Cowell better watch his back.

Alaina Whitaker: "More Today Than Yesterday" (Spiral Staircase)
Would those one-armed shirts just die already? She did a good job. No snark here. She'll get her 17th birthday present.

Amanda Overmyer: "Baby, Please Don't Go" (Van Morrison)
I hated that. She seemed unsure of herself, she was all over the place, and the band totally drowned out her vocals. She's on the wrong show -- she should sign up for the next season of Rock Star. She won't win, but at least I won't have to listen to her anymore. Why do the judges like her so much? I don't get it.

Amy Davis: "Where the Boys Are" (Connie Francis)
What does a trade show model do? What kind of trade shows? Is it different from being a regular model? I need to know more. She seemed stoned, like she and all of her friends were passing around a joint and then this song came on and she was all, "Shit, man, I love this song" and her friends were all, "Sing it, dude. Sing it." And then she did. And everyone was all, "Cool."

Brooke White: "Happy Together" (The Turtles)
The Alleged Mormon wore an awful lot of makeup. I like Brooke a lot, but I didn't love her singing this song. It sounded whiny at times, and the end bit was downright annoying. She'll have a chance to bring it back next week, I'm sure. Also, I want to try whatever hair product she uses, provided it fits into an unemployed girl's budget.

Alexandrea Lushington: "Spinning Wheel" (Blood, Sweat and Tears)
I didn't love the falsetto, but then again, I never do. She was good. I dig her.

Kady Malloy: "Groovy Kind of Love" (The Mindbenders)
I hate this song with the fire of a thousand suns. She looks like about four famous actresses mashed together: Dominique Swain, Jessica Biel, ScarJo, and that chick who played Paige on the new Degrassi. And I spent so much time thinking of all that during her performance that I missed it entirely, but it was even boring in the background.

Asia'H Epperson: "Piece of My Heart" (Janis Joplin)
I was worried about this, but I actually liked it a lot. She totally made it her own, and I thought it worked really well.

Ramiele Malubay: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" (Dusty Springfield)
I love her voice, and she's adorable. 'Nuff said.

Syesha Mercado: "Tobacco Road" (The Nashville Teens)
I like her when she isn't yelly -- I especially like her lower register. If she can keep that screamy nonsense in check, she could go pretty far this season. I also admire her accessorizing skills, as not many people can rock a loud scarf and busy earrings so consistantly.

Carly Smithson: "The Shadow of Your Smile" (Tony Bennett)
Not to be all xenophobic and whatnot, but should people from other countries be allowed to win AMERICAN Idol? I mean, what's the average American to do when foreigners and D-list celebrities start stealing our reality television spots away from us? Also, if you took that seriously and got offended, you should probably be reading another blog. I was with Simon on this one. I expected something more.

Favorite: Asia'H Epperson

Least favorite: Amanda Overmyer

Going home: Amy Davis and Kady Malloy

Good night y'all. I'll fix all the typos tomorrow. xoxo, jess

More Top 24: Boys

The good news is, I lost my job, which means more time for Midol! Here we go:

David Hernandez
By the time I got to the end of the show, I couldn't even remember it.

Chikezie
Ditto on everything Curly said, plus, nice zoot suit, dude. He looks like he'd sidle up to me in a dimly-lit lounge and say, "If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?"

David Cook
Word on what Curly said about Alice in Chains. Blasphemy! Despite the fact that he looks like that accountant in your office who plays in a cover band on the weekends, I actually thought his performance was interesting. I would say I loved it, but I didn't hate it. And trust me, I wanted to.

Jason Yeager
Now this I actually wanted to like. He seems like such a nice fella, and he fathered a kid when he was like 12, and he just seems so shiny and happy. But the whole thing was very high school talent show. I do hope he makes it through another week and improves, though.

Two asides. This is the gayest season of Idol, ever, what with all of the confirmed gays, probably gays and maybe gays. I love it. Also, Paula was wasted, what will all the babbling and eye closing and head shaking. Yay!

Robbie Carrico
I dug it. I can't help it. But he needs to stop copping Bret Michaels' look, for real. I agree with Simon about not trusting the "authenticity," though. And his being all, "I'm a rocker because I wear a bandana!" thing didn't help, either.

David Archuleta
Look, I think the kid is adorable and he has a great voice, but I just did not get that at all. I pretty much hated it. Also, I am disturbed by Curly's hatred of Bindi Irwin.

The next batch isn't worth paragraph form. Danny Noriega needs to pick a better song next time. Luke Menard is very cute, but boring. I loved Colton Berry's Ellen Degeneres joke, but he'd be much better on Broadway.

Garrett Haley
He looks like this musical theater dude I dated for awhile. I want to shave his upper lip real bad. His song wasn't that great, but he has two things going for him: a great attitude and the pre-teen girl vote.

Jason Castro
I love him. LOVE him. He is gorgeous and talented and humble and I want to spend hours playing with his dreads and staring into his eyes on a blanket in the middle of a field, where I eat berries we just picked in our bare feet while he plays guitar and sings a song he wrote for me the night before. Not that I've given this any thought or anything. Seriously, though. I couldn't stop smiling while he was performing. He's awesome.

Michael Johns
I wish he'd done a song we hadn't already seen him perform during Hollywood Week. He's starting to feel a little one-note for me. And his scarf hurts me.

My favorite so far: Jason Castro

Least favorite: Chikezie

Going home: Luke Menard and David Hernandez

Kyle Ensley Warms My Cold, Dead Heart

Last night, at my hippie culinary school, I took a macrobiotics class. We learned all about the mind/body/soul connection, and the tenants for living your best life. I rode the subway home from class being in a very Zen-like, Kumbaya sort of mood, pondering what it would take to be a nicer, better version of myself, and vowing to change my life starting immediately. Why am I telling you this? Because it's the only explanation for what happened to me last night. I cried, y'all. And not because sucktards like David Cook and Amanda Overmyer were put through, either. It was because of nerdlet Kyle Ensley.

Melissa and Curly are no doubt going to take me to task for this one. I was touched. First, when they showed the flashback of Simon telling him post-Hollywood audition that he really thought people would like him, and then showing us what got cut off the first time we saw that clip; Simon saying, "I wish I had some of what you have." Man, when Simon is touched by something, I am touched-squared, and I don't mean that in a dirty way.

When they told him he wasn't going through, my God! Have you ever seen a more gracious rejectee? He didn't cry, or storm out. He was all smiles, and was thankful he had gotten as far as he did instead of disappointed that he didn't get further. I found it really beautiful to watch. Not to get too corny, but there's this whole notion of "gratitude," in macrobiotic theory, and Kyle Ensley has it in spades.

Clearly I was riding a macrobiotic high, because I also felt bad for cult kid Josiah Leming. I know!

Rest assured I was not without my bitchy moments, though. David Cook? Nice cropped sweater vest and pink tie, asshat. And Paula was some sort of drunk Munchhausen Mom last night, all "I'm going to make the kids cry so then I can hug them and they will looooooove meeeeeee!" And that's all I have to say on the bitchy front! What the hell is wrong with me? Oh wait -- I look forward to Colton Berry getting voted off so I can deface his creepy white eyelashes on The Grid.

I need to go watch some 30-Minute Meals to fill me back up with hate. I'll be in top bitchface form next week, I promise.

Recap: We've Finally Gone to Hollywood

I was going to post this last night, but I got rather zealous in my note-taking, and when it was all over, my four pages of typed notes were too daunting to organize. I'm not going to focus on everyone; just who I thought was interesting in either a good or bad way, or who we're going to be seeing a lot of, for better or for worse. I'm also going to agree and disagree with some of Melissa's assessments. Here we go!

If there's one thing we can all take away from Hollywood Week, it's that just because you can play an instrument, doesn't mean you should. Also, Bryan Adams is universally loved among Idol wannabees, and universally reviled by me.

I'd like to echo Melissa's statement about the lie that is being shoved down our throats this season; that this is the BEST TALENT POOL IN IDOL HISTORY. No it isn't, Ryan Seacrest. Shut up. And put a tie on; you look like you just woke up at a stranger's house after a coke bender.

DAY 1

Brooke White: Unlike Melissa, I kind of like The Alleged Mormon. I dig her voice and sunshiny energy. Mormons seem like a happy people.

Leo Marlowe: You know this guy isn't going to get through as long as Danny Noriega is still in the running. There's no way we're going to have two obviously gay Idol hopefuls. One of each stereotype, please.

Jack Mellema: A perfect example of someone who should not play an instrument while singing. Drums, really? It's kind of hard to sell yourself as a charismatic front man while sitting behind a drum kit. He came across like a singer in a depressing bar catering to unhappy middle-aged married people looking to escape the doldrums of their unfulfilled lives with booze and flirting.

David Hernandez: Really good, though I fear we've found this season's Elliott Yamin -- a gifted singer who will be overshadowed by pretty boys and big personalities.

Amanda Overmyer, AKA The Rock 'n' Roll nurse. I'm with Melissa on this one. Also, I think the black part of her hair is a wig.

Ghaleb Emachah: Is he Britney's paparazzi boyfriend? I think he is. The ladies love him. Why, exactly? White suit jacket, people. Only Don Johnson can pull that off, when it's 1982.

DAY 2

Josiah Leming: I'll be referring to him as Cult Kid, but will still type out his first and last name for the Google traffic. I hate this kid. Like, a lot. I'm glad the homeless have access to keyboards with which to DEFILE MIKA, my boyfriend. He kind of reminds me of Leo DiCaprio as the homeless kid on Growing Pains, without the actual homeless, cute or likeable parts.

Danny Noriega: Kicks ass. I want him to be my gay boyfriend.

Ramiele Malubay: I love her! That little wisp of a girl is adorable, and sings her heart out.

Carly Smithson: Love her. I ant to go get tattoos with her. I, too, noticed the blue tongue, but I thought it was more on the black side, which I thought may have been due to an overdose of Pepto for the nerves. I'm a frequent Pepto abuser, you see, so I know all about that. Maybe it was a blue lozenge, though.

Michael Johns: I want him to eat chocolate off of my stomach.

Now onto the Bryan Adams portion of the evening. David Cook, aka, Daughtry 2.0. He's okay. Robbie Carrico, aka Britney Fucker, sounded pretty good. Jessica Brown, Perrie Cataldo, Syesha Mercado. I'm officially sick of Bryan Adams.

Colton Berry: Not much to say about the singing, but his name makes him sound like a Gossip Girl character.

Kyle Ensley: Reminds me of Dasit from The White Rapper Show, but not as good. Jesus Christ, I watch a lot of reality television.

DAY 3

Suzanne Toon, the single mother who looks like the chick from Lost and Roswell, is out. Pierre Cataldo, the single dad with the cute kid, is also out. Amy Flynn, aka Abstinance Chick or Sparkles, which is my preference, is out, and thank God, because that chick annoys the shit out of me. Later, shrieky. Jeffrey Lampkin and his 300 pounds of jolly are through. Kristy Lee Cook is also through, even though she can only sing one song. Angela Martin, she with the saddest story about the dead dad, is going home, which makes me sad because I really liked her.

DAY 4

David Archuleta: Dug him. This season's whiz kid, I'm guessing.

Kyle Ensley: This season's Kevin Covais, if the judges keep him.

Jeffrey Lampkin: Out.

Joey Catalano: Listening to him made my teeth feel filmy like spinach.

Syesha Mercado: Great legs. Kicked ass. She's through.

Michael Johns: Sang "Bohemian Rhapsody." He rocked it. Not as hard as Suzie McNeil on Rockstar: INXS (Watch it. NOW.), but it's hard to top that. Chocolate. My stomach. Go.

Carly Smithson: Alone. Rocked it.

Asia'H Epperson: Kicked ass. Hard to pull off white pants, but she did.

Brooke Helvie: Her Elle Woods-esque novelty wore off for me. Later, queenie.

Josiah Lemini, aka Cult Kid: Randy and me hated it. Paula and me hated it. Simon called him annoying. I agree. Three yeses anyway. I hated this stupid show sometimes.

Let's see how the Top 24 spoilers we posted are holding up, shall we?

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

I notice there's no Cult Kid on that list, which would make me really, really happy. Fingers crossed that the fucker goes home, er, I mean, to his car.

Audition Recap: Atlanta

Dear Ryan Seacrest: Please don't wear graphic tees with blazers anymore. It hurts me. Thanks in advance. Love, Jess.

Now, onto my real-time notes with no time stamps or context. In other words, you had to be there.

Josh Jones: Cute. Kind of weird. Tells bad jokes. Didn't love the voice. I do hope he makes it to the Top 24, though. Wanna know why? Because I want him to be this season's camera fucker and FUCK ALL OF US WITH HIS DEMON EYES! He can skull fuck the audience at home, as opposed to Justin Guarini, who made sweet love to us, tenderly, with his soulful eyes. And yes, I do blame Justin Guarini for the fact that we have numerous camera fuckers each season. I do think Ace Young was the worst offender, though. The scar. Dear God, the scar.

(Side note: I made the most kickass eggplant and chicken casserole for dinner, which I'm eating right now. I'm pretty proud of myself, as it was all improv. Also, Go Obama!)

J.P. Tjelmeland: Sweetie, you don't have star quality. Stop auditioning. Seriously. Also, what is your nationality with that last name (genuinely curious), and why are you dressed like me circa 1993 when I shopped exclusively at PacSun, hung out with skater boys, and listed "Scribbling Jane's Addiction lyrics into the margins of my notebooks" as my favorite pastime?

Why are we seeing people from all of the other audition cities while illustrating how unable to dispel criticism Paula Abdul is? Is it just so we can see just how many items of clothing she has in her closet in animal print?

Asia'h Epperson: Sad story. Not to be catty (because really, when would I ever do that?), but why did Paula compliment her on her outfit? I mean, she wasn't wearing a stripper dress or a statue of liberty costume, but really, she had some decent jeans and a shapeless top on. The hell? Simon liked her smile, and I agree. I also think Paula is drunk. "That's where passion comes from." What? Where? I won't give Paula shit for crying, though. I admit, I got misty. Plus, I cry a lot when I'm hammered, too.

Oh, shut up. None of you bitches are as sweet as a Georgia peach.

Brooke Helvie: She is so completely terrible in every way that she's crossed over into awesome. I get the feeling that the judges didn't actually want to put her through, but the producers dictated it. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Simon: "Possibly the most annoying person I have ever seen in my life." Annoyingly awesome!

Ryan, why are you dressed like a 10-year old boy going golfing with his dad for the first time?

Eva Miller: Has anyone else fallen down during their audition? That ruled. So did her awful audition. I call bullshit on a lot of people, but I have to disagree with Simon here. She's for real. I'm sure of it. White leggings and all. White leggings, really? I so wanted her to grab Simon's package during the hug.

(Side note: People, stop saying you've been singing since you were a child. All children, save for the mute, sing. It doesn't prepare you for a career in music.)

Ryan is adorable with the old ladies.

Alexandrea Lushinton: It was good, but um, did no one notice that OH MY GOD SHE IS TOTALLY A 16-YEAR OLD MELINDA DOOLITTLE AND SHE EVEN SANG A MELINDA DOOLITTLE SONG? Not to state the obvious or anything.

The bad: Michael Gregory (who I found oddly endearing), Chris Lars (raped and pillaged right after the audition) and Jared Wiley (What?!)

Nathan Hite: I so would have made out with this guy in high school. I'm not sure I would have admitted it afterward, though. Dude, stop talking and go. Seriously. I know you're 16 and obnoxious, but go home. Really. The parents seemed as uncomfortable with the "spooning" comment as I did.

Amanda Overmyer: I have fond Janis Joplin memories. I hear Janis and I think about my mom and I doing dishes when I was a kid, dancing around the kitchen and singing along to Pearl. We do a sweet "Me and Bobby McGee," with harmony and everything. This show is KILLING MY MEMORIES. Paula proclaimed her "this season's Chris Daughtry" as if that's a good thing. "Hey, we have this season's generic rocker with no unique talent and charisma. Go us!"

Homeless Kid: Okay, he has a name, and it's Josiah Leming, which sounds like the next cult messiah's name. I do not feel bad for this kid. He had a home, had a family, and he dropped out of school and decided to live in his car. Unless this kid was beaten or molested at home, he's an idiot. Oh, and Madonna called. She wants her fake British accent back. And of course Paula likes him. She's an idiot, too. Really, we're going to have to see this kid again? UGH.

There you have it, folks. I guess we have some bullshit clip show tomorrow, and then next week, finally, thankfully, we're on to Hollywood week. I'm counting the minutes.

Friday News Update

First, an announcement. I hereby promise to suck less when it comes to posting going forward. The truth is, I have an overwhelming amount of stuff currently overwhelming me. But I have this whole time management plan! And it's in Excel so you know it's serious! Anyway, here's your looooong news update, as I have a lot of stuff I haven't covered:

Jordin Loves America
Are you going to be a patriot (As in American, not as in the New England Patriots. Go Giants!) this Sunday and watch the Superbowl? If so, make sure you tune in for the national anthem. One of the few Idol contestants who has never been hated by even one of the ladies here at Midol, Jordin Sparks, will be belting it out. Plus, all of freaking Hollywood will be there.

More Superbowl News
Paula Abdul will also be performing her new song at the Superbowl, "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Paula ALWAYS dances like there's no tomorrow. Give it a listen, if you don't mind the fact that you'll never get those precious minutes back.

Britney's Ex the Next Bucky Covington
Okay, I haven't watched Miami yet, but apparently there was this guy named Robbie Carrico? And he's Bucky-esque? And he sang, "Simple Kind of Man," which makes him even more Bucky-esque? Apparently, Bucky 2.0 banged everyone's favorite trainwreck back in the day, one Miss Britney Spears. Okay, they say it was some sort of "relationship," but there was probably banging involved.

This Just In: Reality TV Not So Real
So remember Julie/Julia Dubela, from one post ago? She has a "bugaboo" with the show and its judges (she really said "bugaboo," people) -- mainly that the judges were mean and the segment was edited in a way that didn't 100% reflect what really happened. Like, maybe 98%. 97 if we're really being technical.
Also, because I found it so amusing yesterday, Julie/Julia Dubela's official site.

Clay Aiken: Asexual?
Why ABC News feels this is a story is beyond me, but I'm just here to do my job. Apparently, Clay Aiken says he has no sexual urges, has never had a relationship, and doesn't have the time or interest for one. Then they got some shrinks to talk about the difference between being "asexual" and "too tired for sex." To tell you the truth, this all saddens me a great deal. If he's not gay, and he's not straight, then the world is being deprived of sex with Clay Aiken, and that's the real tragedy, if you ask me.

Undiscovered? Yeah, Right
Vote for the Worst is keeping a running tally of what the Idol contenders did before auditioning. As it turns out, the whole "raw, undiscovered talent" aspect of the show is kind of bullshit, as many of the contestants have been in the industry for quite some time.

Top 24 Spoilers
So in real time, the Top 24 of season 7 have already been selected. Naturally, there are rumors flying around about who they are, exactly. Here's a maybe-final list:

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy (pictured)
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Please Stand By

Last night, we had, respectively:

• Subway problems which prevented us from getting home before midnight, and we had to be up by 6:00 for our internship



• Home remodeling and freelance work-induced narcolepsy



• Personal issues more important than American Idol (it happens!) that needed to be attended to, and a busted DVR

So there you go. Curly and I will have updates for you later today, and stay tuned for the debut of our newest Midol blogger -- Lizz from FtheFtrain. She's going to be awesome, I'm sure. (No pressure!)

San Diego Audition Recap

First of all, how cute were those old men at the beginning of the show? Good God, I wanted to set up a table and while away an afternoon playing bridge with them. And I don't even play bridge! That's how cute they were!

All in all, I found San Diego pretty underwhelming, but there were a couple of bright lights among the dim, or completely burned out, bulbs. Here's my take on this crop of Idol hopefuls.

Tetiana Ostapowych
I have to say, I agree with Simon's assessment that she's not as good as she thinks she is. You could see her face -- she's all, "I'm rocking this!" and while she was good, I also found it kind of boring and lacking in emotion. Technical prowess will only get you so far in this competition, and I think she's not going to be around past Hollywood Week. I did really want to like her, though, because I have a good friend with the same name, but when I rewinded the DVR to catch the spelling, I realized it's TETiana, not TATiana, so now I feel justified in my dislike.

Perrie Cataldo
Holy frickin' backstory, Batman! Mom was killed, he's a 27-year old single dad with the cutest kid EVER. I'm not sure if the kid's name is Evian, like the water, or Avian, like the bird flu, but seriously, this guy could have done a spoken word version of "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover," like my college friends Ryan and Marc used to do in a never-successful pick-up-way, and I'd still be rooting for his ass. On a related note, everything about the song, "I'll Make Love To You" gives me the willies.

Michael Johns
I dug him, both musically and in a naked shenanigans way.

The Bad: Marat Hayrapetyan, Christopher Mitchell, Tehilla Lauder. Not much to say about them aside from the fact that Simon's WTF?! faces were hilarious.

Valerie Reyes
There's a lesson that Valerie Reyes can teach all of us. If you are so delusional that you think you sound like any of the following people; Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston or Aretha Franklin, know this: You don't, and you probably never will. Unless you want to be an audition show reject, stay home and take up needlepoint. The whole "I swallowed as frog and then choked on it, and now it's slowly dying while lodged in the back of my throat" thing made me cringe.

Joseph and Juanita Mejia
Okay, so get this: A Mexican and a mime walk into a bar. The Mexican starts choking on a piece of Gardetto's snack mix, and the mime starts mimicking choking to get someone to help. The mime gets the Heimlich, the Mexican dies, and neither one of them makes it to Hollywood, because Simon hates gimmicks. The end.

Monique Gibson
Whitney Houston. Don't. Why doesn't anyone listen to me?!

Christopher Baker
NO WHITNEY GOES DOUBLE FOR BOYS. Someone call security and get rid of this guy! Oh, wait. These two remind me of a half-passed-out junkie couple I saw on the F-train once.

Samantha Musa
That girl's got SOUL, yo! Terrible taste in men, but a great voice.

Day Two: Wasn't that redheaded guy in the beginning from last year? Didn't I make fun of him and he turned out to be mentally challenged in some way?

Blake Boshnack
"Sometimes I don't know who it's a bigger dream for, my son or me." See: Lynn Spears, Dina Lohan, etc.

More Bad: Alexandria Ruiz, Sarah Long (The hell was she even trying to sing?), some fatties.

Alberto Hurtado
Okay, so when this guy is sitting in the field smelling the flower, all I can think of is the scene from Fear of a Black Hat, where they're spoofing PM Dawn with the song about bodily functions. Which makes me laugh, natch. The nails! OMG, the nails! Gross! And I've seen enough So You Think You Can Dance to know that Barbie is NOT doing the paso doble. The fan said "A Big American Idol Fan," by the way. Get it? Fan?

Still more bad: Aaron Garrett. Kinda cute, though.

David Archuleta
He did "Waiting for the World to Change" better than Sanjaya. Not saying much, really, but hey, if Kevin Covais got s hot, why not this guy?

Carly Smithson
I want to go out for pints of Guinness with her. Love. Her. So. Much. She's allowed to sing Whitney Houston. Her and her little tattooed husband are the cutest.

Top 24 predictions: Carly Smithson and Michael Johns.

Tuesday News Update

Hate the auditions? If you're like me, and you don't really care about the show until it gets into performances, and if you're unlike me, and don't have to watch and blog anyway, then is this the post for you! FOX released some of the important dates for the upcoming season, and I'd be a bad blogger if I didn't share them with you. Here they are:

February 12: Hollywood Round

February 13: Top 24 revealed

February 19-20: Top 24 perform

February 21: Two women and two men eliminated, and the beginning of the three-day Idol weeks, which make me want to shoot myself in the face.

Then we have a whole lot of guys on Tuesdays, girls on Wednesdays, and eliminations on Thursday, because apparently Nigel ignored my memo about how taxing it is on my social life to watch the show all three nights. I shake my fist at you, Nigel.

March 11: Top 12

Can't find any information about the finale just yet, but when I do, you'll be the first to know. Also, PR people, American Idol crew and FOX executives -- I sincerely hope we get our finale tickets this year, after being ignored every season thus far. You've been warned!

Unbreak My Heart

Picture it. Sicily. 1932. Wait, no. That's not right.

Picture it. New York City. 2008. Jess arrives home from culinary school (Pizza and focaccia night: Yum!), hits "List" on her DVR remote, and scans the trash she's taped: Gossip Girl, Rock of Love With Bret Michaels, Celebrity Rehab With Doctor Drew, and Planet Earth, because nature is a whore. No American Idol. But how can this be? she thinks, checking her Series Manager, only to find that Idol has mysteriously disappeared from her recording list. Stuffed to the gill with carbs and cheese and bursting with anticipation, she's left with only one option: News, and a frantic email plea to her similarly-afflicted sisters to pick up the slack until next week when she's, as the kids say, back to her regularly scheduled programming.

Playing the Ratings Game
In case you didn't hear, a lot of freaking people watch Idol. The season premiere averaged 33.2 million total viewers, making it the most watched show of the entire 2007-2008 season so far. Not too shabby, right? Well, consider this. Last year's premiere was 10% higher, with 37.3 million viewers. A bad sign? Well, considering there's a writer's strike going on and there's nothing else on fucking television, I'm going to go with "yes."

Simon Says Britney Can Call Him Any, Anytime
Simon Cowell sat down with the New York Post for some reason I can't quite identify, and dished on the show, his exit date, and Britney Spears. He calls the auditions "increasingly like torture," spills that he's only got two years on his contract (but doesn't say whether he thinks he'll re-up if given the chance), and offered his wisdom, compassion and paternal shoulder to one Ms. Britney Spears.

Why is Chris Daughtry Still Talking?
In a move that epitomizes his profund douchebaggery, Chris Daughtry told Rolling Stone that he thinks Idol is losing its luster. This comes on the heels of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee and Ruben Studdard losing their record contracts. Oh, and it was the night before the premiere, too. Methinks someone's still bitter they got voted off the show! Just think how lusterful the show would have been if a boring, Fuel-frontman wannabe with zero charisma, dumb sideburns and the same exact voice that emenates from every other pseudo-rock singer had won! Now that's some exciting TV!

No Apples For Nigel
This is a juicy one! Apparently, Nigel Lythgoe choreographed a musical film in 1980 called The Apple, which has been billed as one of the worst films ever. It ran as a double feature with Xanadu! And I promise you this, angels. I WILL find this. And I will watch it with glee. And then I will either show it to you or tell you all about it. If any of y'all have seen it, please share. PLEASE.

And to all, a good night. Fucking DVR.

Premiere Night Liveblogging

7:46: Salsa and chips in bowl. Drinks poured. Mejack and Jess in attendance, waiting.

7:48: Curly buzzed in.

7:59: Pizza ordered.

8:01: Mejack: I read in the Post that it's even meaner this year. Curly: What? Meaner than making fun of retarded people?

8:02: We're in Philly!

8:05: Joey Catalano. Like Jordan Catalano. But not really. Underwhelming.

8:13: The room collectively calls bullshit on Yuka, the wannabe Borat who claims to be from Egypt.

8:20: Tour guide James Lewis. Deaf Lurch. Also, why is Paula Abdul wearing a white bra under a sheer black shirt?

8:28: Mejack on Jonathan Baines: Oh, look! It's Timothy McVeigh!

8:30: Jess: I want to see Temptress Brown tackle Ryan Seacrest. Mejack: Ryan still plays for pee-wee.

8:33: Okay, seriously? (This is Jess) Why do they give us a backstory just to have the person suck? Poor Temptress Brown. It's so mean! Meaner than Simon, even.

8:50: Curly on Udi: Oh please, don't let him be from New Jersey.

8:52: Collective laughs over the awesome blond girl screaming, "I Love Rock 'n' Roll"

9:00: Alexis Cohen. Mejack: This is making my tooth hurt. (Also, she woke up the cat.)

9:01: Randy Jackson says 'Peace, Love and Chicken Grease.' No comment necessary.

9:03: Mejack: "Wiggle Ammonia?" What does that mean? I (Jess) immediately started laughing, and then crying, and then hyperventilating. Curly: She said "legally moon you."

9:13: Mr. Mejack arrives. Eats pizza.

9:16: Curly, on Christina Tolisano, the wackjob with the Princess Leia hair: She looks like the chick from Dodgeball.



9:26: Jess: I LOVE Paula's eye makeup. Any makeup artists out there that could help me with that?

9:39: An IM conversation with Melissa regarding Paul Marturano, the stalker:

Melissa: Holy shit that guy made me shit on myself.

Jess: Which one? Oh, we're behind. We paused the DVR.

Melissa: Oh. Sorry - you'll see him. He's the dude that sings TO PAULA. Uber creepy. Creepy McCreeperson.

Jess: With the cape?

Melissa: No - shortly after him. Seriously - like somebody should have called security...

Jess: OHMYGOD

Melissa: Yeah. Him. Seriously.

Jess: Peterfalkher!

Melissa: THAT WAS THE BEST PART

9:51: Chris Watson, the hot black guy with the dreads? OMG. I want to eat fresh fruit off of his chest. Or at least, I did, until I came to the unfortunate conclusion that he's going to be this season's camera fucker. (This is Jess, BTW)

Parting thoughts:

Mejack: None

Curly: Bring back the retards.

Jess: DUH.

In hindsight, we don't love liveblogging. So we're not gonna do it anymore, or at least not until we forget how much we didn't like it in the first place.

Friday News Update: Jessica Sierra Edition

Remember Jessica Sierra? I don't, actually, because I skipped season four and its barrage of hairy men. Her official bio says she's from Florida, and likes country music. Anyway, homegirl's been all over the news lately. That's her mugshot. So without further ado, I bring you a very special edition of your daily news update.

The Arrest Details
Two weeks after pleading no contest to charges of battery and possession of cocaine stemming from an arrest in April, Jessica was arrested again for causing an "unspecified disturbance" at the Full Moon Saloon near Tampa, where she worked. She could face up to 11 years in prison on charges of disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest and violating parole. Bonus: she allegedly used racial slurs and offered a police officer sexual favors for her release.

The Pregnancy
She also has a baby on the way. The baby daddy is a "rapper," and Jessica is said to be "ecstatic." I would be too if I was going to have a baby in prison! Congratulations, Jessica.

The Sex Tape
Vivid Entertainment, the company that specializes in C-list celebrity sex tapes, is adding Jessica Sierra to their impressive roster of talent. "Jessica Sierra Hardcore" is now on DVD. Order yours today! (Site not entirely safe for work)

The Reality Show
Set your DVRs! In January 2008, Jessica will star in Celebrity Rehab With Doctor Drew alongside Andy Dick, Tome Sizemore, Brigitte Nielsen and Daniel Baldwin. On VH1, natch. In other news, I AM SO WATCHING THAT.

Tuesday News Update

An aside. I was at Virgin Megastore last night buying my moms the new Alicia Keys CD and they had a "new releases" board up top behind the registers. Blake Lewis was on it, alongside legitimate musicians. Wrong? Perhaps. But I'm not here to make fun of Blake Lewis. I'm here to bring you the news! So here I go:

Reality TV Good for Minorities
With no end to the writer's strike in sight, reality television is about to get huge, because it's been under the radar for so long. And shows like American Idol boast a diverse cast, with minorities frequently winning. And Tila Tequila and William Hung are good for minorities. What? Yeah, I don't know, either.

Alice Cooper and Jordin Sparks Dedicate School of Rock
Do I need to even comment on that one? No. Awesome.

Paula's Pee Stolen
A man who once worked at a gynecologist office Paula Abdul went to -- a self-described "fan" -- stole a urine sample of hers. He was fired, natch. I hope he wasn't planning to pass it off as his own to pass a drug test.

We're Back, Bitches

So you know how we said we were going to post on the off-season? Well, that was stupid of us, and we aren't going to promise that anymore. What we are going to do, when this season ends and we sober up and restore our faith in humanity, is have a sign-up form which will enable us to notify you when we're starting the countdown for the next season. And then the show will probably get cancelled.

It's countdown time, angels! 32 days! We're going to try to post every day from now until then, and once the show gets started, well, there'll be no stopping us!

Before I get into the news, I have a very important announcement. Those of you who are regular Midol readers may be familiar with commenter Melissa McGee, she of the hilarious commentary. I believe she coined the term "old man mouth" as it relates to Blake Lewis. Anyway, we're delighted to announce she'll be joining our esteemed ranks this season! And also, Mejack, Curly and I will be live-blogging the premiere from the Official Idol Premiere Headquarters®, AKA Mejack's new apartment.

And without further ado, here's the first of many news roundups:

Britney's Banned
New season, new show formula. In the show's seventh season (Which Nigel Lythgoe claims has the best singers yet. Yawn.), contestants will be allowed to play instruments on stage, which means this season's Chris Daughtry will be even more annoying. Also, there will be fewer celebrities this year, which means less bitchy fun for us. Also, NO BRITNEY SPEARS. EVER.

Football, Now With More Jordin!
Jordin Sparks has been tapped (not by Curly, unfortunately for Curly) to sing the Star Spangled Banner at Superbowl XLII. Also, until I read that article, I completely forgot that Jordin won last year. That either shows how not-memorable the show's sixth season was, or how much pot I smoked in my youth.

Idol Cast-offs to Appear on Bones
Season 6 camera bangers Brandon Rogers and Ace Young will be guest starring on a not-yet-announced episode of Bones. In other news, Bones is still on. Who knew?

America Still Under the Daughtry Spell
Those rock-groupies-turned-soccer-moms sure have a lot of buying power. Billboard has named his boring, formulaic, depressing album the best seller of 2007. America, please, put down the punch. There is much better music available to you.

Clay Aiken on Broadway
In what's possibly the most bizarre news ever, Sir Clay has signed on to play Sir Robin in Spamalot from January 18 through May 4, 2008. And I am too flummoxed to even make a joke about it right now.

Morning After News Update

Well folks, it’s over. Can’t say I’m going to miss it. I’ve been a little MIA lately, due to starting a new job, quitting said job, going to Belize and then dealing with what travelers to Central America frequently deal with when they drink margaritas that have ice in them that was full of bacteria that their fragile digestive systems are not used to. TMI? Maybe, but it could have been a lot worse. Anyway, Jordin Sparks won! Yay Jordin! Actually, I don’t much care that Jordin won, because Melinda Dolittle was my homegirl, but I am full of glee that Blake Lewis DIDN’T win.

Without further ado, here’s your news. We’re going to continue to do news here at Midol, with frequency dictated by actual amount of news, my motivation level, and how much I’ve had to drink the night before.

Why Blake Lost
Because he wasn’t the best singer. Shocking, I know. Also, because he was a giant douche. Okay, that bit isn’t in the article, but I felt that it needed to be said. Also? No one born with a penis should ever wear a glittery argyle sweater vest. I stand by that. (Foxes on Idol)

Best of Season 6
Consider yourself warned – the “best of” is just as boring as the rest of the season was. Better luck next year! (Reality TV Magazine)

Idol: Losing its Edge?
A deconstruction of season 6, and the impact Idol will have on the, uh, 2008 election? Yeah, I don’t know, either. (Newsweek)

Simon Says, “Later, bitches!”
Simon Cowell shocked the world and the very fabric of the lives of everyone who lives in it by telling Extra that he plans to leave the show. IN THREE YEARS. Yeah, not exactly earth-shattering, that. Another season like this one and he might have to bail after two. (Hollywood.com)

Clyde Pickler Loves the Pokey
Kelly’s daddy is facing four felony theft charges after stealing a buttload of cars last week. I don’t know about you, but if I was a convicted felon on parole with a marginally famous daughter, I’d think that was a good idea, too. (ImediNews)

Thanks for tuning in, folks. Our long national nightmare is now over.

And the Stars Say...

As in years past, astrologer Jeff Jawer has his Idol finale prediction. This year, he's predicting Melinda Doolittle to take home the crown (and the recording contract), with Jordin Sparks a close second, and Blake not even in the same ballpark. I'm not sure I agree -- I still think Jordin is the frontrunner -- but any prediction that gets Blake out of the running is just fine by me.

Get the planetary breakdown. (AOL Horoscopes)

Wednesday News Update and Predictions

Phil Stacey May Be Going to Iraq
Phil Stacey may be going off to Iraq instead of to the Idols Live tour this summer, the Los Angeles Times says. It’s kind of a non-story, because no one confirmed it. I’m more concerned with the fact that Phil’s Navy rock band is called “Pride,” which seems awfully wimpy for a band that is composed of military guys who play rock music. (National Ledger)

Jessica Sierra Will Cut a Bitch
Season 4 flunkie Jessica Sierra is being sued by a man who claims she gashed his head after hurling a cocktail glass at him. Sierra claims she thought he was someone who had spit in her face. She was charged with aggravated assault and cocaine possession. She was just holding the coke for someone, though. The jokes for this story write themselves, so I’ll refrain. (WOAI)

Amanda Coluccio Makes Music
Taking a page out of BFF Antonella Barba’s playbook, the season 6 contestant is making “sexy” music on MySpace, complete with “sexy” pics. In other news, should Amanda and Antonella not make it in the music industry (like that’s even possible), they’ll have a great future starring in lesbian porn together. (Buddy TV)

Bo Bice and, uh, Anthrax?
Anthrax members Scott Ian (aka my future husband) and Frankie Bello will jam with Bo Bice this Friday at Retox, the rock bar co-owned by Ian in NYC this Friday. I will be on a bus to Schenectady for Mother’s Day instead of at the show, crying. (93X Rocks)

And for my predictions, Blake and Kiki in the bottom two with Kiki going home. And I’m also predicting Jordin to win the whole damn thing.

Top 6 Recap

This week was all Bon Jovi, all the time. And I couldn't have been happier. Well, maybe a Slayer week would make me happier, in theory, but then it would make me sad, because Blake would beatbox to "South of Heaven," and my world as I know it would lose all meaning. Ahem.

Jon Bon Jovi is still smoking hot, and like all the mentors who came before him, he wants the Idolbees to tell a story. First up is Phil Stacey, and he's singing "Blaze of Glory." JBJ loves him fiercely, as do I. I started out a Phil fan, then he sucked for a really long time, but now he's back and I'm back on board. Also, how does Vote for the Worst deal when the "worst" is actually good? Food for thought.

Next up in Jordin Sparks, and she’s singing "Living on a Prayer" and my first thought is "oh no." And then starts singing, and my second thought is "oh no," followed by "ouch." Not good, J-Spo. Not good t'at all.

Lakisha Jones is up next, and she’s singing "This Ain't a Love Song," which I've never heard before. And while she obviously didn't go outside her comfort zone (which no one took her to task for, and perhaps they should have), she was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that Simon slipped her a little tongue post-performance. Okay, he didn't, but he did kiss her. On the lips. And then slip her some tongue. Maybe.

Next up is Blake Lewis. JBJ talks about the huge risk he's taking with "You Give Love a Bad Name," which means he’s going to beatbox, which means JBJ hates it, and I'm going to hate it, too. And I do. I'm not really sure what Bon Jovi did to Blake personally, but clearly he's seeking revenge. And here's the thing that gets me the most. If Blake had actually sung the song, and remember this is, in fact, a singing competition, I would have loved it. The parts where he actually sang? Blew me away. I had no idea he had that much power. He could have rocked it, but instead he ruined it. Dumbass. And his dye job killed whatever bit of cuteness he still had left. And when Paula said that she saw a "twinkle" in JBJs eyes as he talked about the song, I think what she really meant was "shame" and "dread."

When Chris Richardon told us he'd be singing, "Dead or Alive," I thought "noooooo." I expected runs all over the place, and dude, you can't Timberlake up Bon Jovi. But he was actually ... good. He traded in his nasally bullshit for a raspy thing that TOTALLY WORKED. And now when Chris and I finally do get naked and have sex with one another, I won't feel bad about it, because he's really not a terrible singer.

Melinda Doolittle is up last with "Have a Nice Day." And she's awesome! I mean, there isn't really anything to say about her vocals, because they're always flawless, but homegirl brought the attitude. And it was also adorable when she tried to do the devil horns. I voted for her three times.

And then George and Laura Bush closed the show, thanking the American people for doing what they should be doing, but aren't doing, and they don't even see the irony of it all.

Bottom three: Chris, Phil, LaKisha
See ya later: Chris (No really, Chris. Call me. I'd like to see you later.) and Lakisha

Friday News Update

Idol Gives Back a Buttload of Dough
30 million dollars, to be exact. And I'm not sure why Ryan Seacrest didn't mention it, but we here at American Midol have decided to match the funds raised! Pay up, Curly. Seriously, though, that’s awesome. (Gulf Times)

The King is Still Dead
I know – I really thought that was Elvis, too. The technical term for how they did that is rotoscoping. I thought it was some Star Wars hologram shit, but what do I know? (ABC News)

Simon Says, "Come Back To Me!"
Simon Cowell admitted to missing Sanjaya Malakar this week. And this, my friends, concludes my nonsexual love affair with Simon Cowell. (The Post Chronicle)

Pro-Lifers Poo-Poo on Everything
Pro-life groups are not happy with the charities "Idol Gives Back" has decided to donate money to, namely UNICEF and Save the Children, because they support abortion rights. They’ve even started a letter writing campaign. How very Christian of them. (Life News)

Momjaya: Pothead, Criminal
Sanjaya Malakar's mom was busted in 2005 for growing a whole bunch of pot plants. Sister Shyamali is apparently also a pothead, which would explain the naked guitar playing. Ah, how I miss my college days. (TMZ)

Paul Abdul, Unfugged!
The Fug girls say, "Well played!" I say, cute shoes, but I’m not loving the ruffle.

Phil Stacey is the Worst
With Sanjaya gone, Phil Stacey moves into the VFTW slot. Personally, I'd put Chris Richardson in there, despite his uber-adorableness (Chris, call me!), but I don't run the site.

And if you missed Sanjaya Malakar on Letterman this week, you missed all the, uh, fun, I guess.

Thursday News Recap: Special Sanjaya Edition

Hey guys! Did you hear the news? Sanjaya Malakar got sent home! I'm sure you didn't hear anything about that today, because like, the media is totally not covering every angle it can think of! This is huge, people! Anyway, without further ado:

Jennifer Love Hewitt Happy to See Sanjaya Go

Sanjaya on life after Idol

Sanjaya Thought it Was Awesome When Simon Told Him He Sucked

Britney Spears' Downward Spiral Now with More Sanjaya

Sanjaya Maxim's "Today's Girl," Maxim Offensive Douchebags

Vote For The Worst: The Search For The Next Sanjaya

Sanjaya Malakar's Reign Explained!

By Numerology, that is. Also, this is a truly shameless plug, because I wrote it.

Sanjaya: What's in a Name? The Numerology of American Idol's Sanjaya Malakar on AOL Horoscopes

Top 7 Recap

Well folks, we made it through country week. Martina McBride was kind of awesome. She gave them really good feedback, and she has very pretty eyes. Anyway, here's what I thought of the contestants. I'll add in song titles later when they get posted somewhere.

Phil Stacey
I agreed with the judges that Phil seemed in his element this week and finally showed a little personality. Homeboy's been all doom and gloom for weeks. I do maintain that Phil is the best male vocalist on the show, and I also maintain that it isn't really saying much. His lower register (Term #32 I learned on Idol) is still a little rough, but his big notes are awesome. Now if only he could stop being so fucking creepy.

Jordin Sparks
She was awesome. And I'm not going to gush about how SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN because the judges, especially Randy, can't stop gushing about the fact that SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. But damn, people. SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. (Cue Winger and give the mic to Curly)

Sanjaya Malakar
Sanjaya makes me wish I were Helen Keller, although I think even Helen Keller could have detected a whiff of suckage emanating from her television screen.

LaKisha Jones
I actually kind of liked Kiki rendition of "Jesus Takes the Wheel." I mean, I think the song is ridiculous, due partly to the fact that I'm a godless heathen, and partly to the fact that if you're in a car, barreling to your death, turning it over to Jesus is kind of a last resort, you know? There are things you should maybe give a try first. If I were Jesus I'd tell that bitch to stop being so fucking lazy and keep those hands on the wheel. But I thought LaKisha brought a lot of emotion to it, and I didn't think it was nearly as shouty as the judges did.

Chris Richardson
Oh, Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. Nasally is NOT a vocal style, it is a vocal shortcoming. And don't talk back to Simon. Just don't. It makes you look like an ass. An adorable ass, to be sure (Chris, call me!) but an ass nonetheless. Also, the singing was horrendous.

Melinda Doolittle
Mindy Doo looked hot! And she sounded great, and she brought energy and attitude and she's slowly losing the "aw shucks" thing, which is only going to win her more fans. I'll be voting for her multiple times as soon as I finish this recap

Blake Lewis
God help me – I actually liked that. Like, a lot. I'm not changing my stance on Blake. I still think he's smarmy and cocky and way full of himself. But I couldn't hate that, and believe me, I tried.

Overall, I didn't find it as painful as I usually find country week. It didn't blow me away, but it was bearable. What I did find painful, though, was the ill-timed, awkward mentions about the Virginia Tech shooting. I appreciate the sentiment, of course, as I'm sure everyone did, but it felt really forced and weird. Like, Ryan says something right before energetically kicking off the show? And Chris mentioning it right after Simon rips him apart? And the judges all mumble about it when they're supposed to be critiquing Blake's performance? I'm not heartless – I've gotten choked up several times watching and reading the news, and I find the whole thing devastating. I guess I just don't really feel like American Idol is the best platform for that kind of commentary.

Now, let me get back to what I do best – being a raging bitch. (See? Transition = awkward) Here's your news:

Sanjaya is a Fashion Plate
Fanjayas are flocking to H&M to pick up the white suit he wore two weeks ago. In other news, the Idol wardrobe budget is around $17.50.

More Idol Sex Tapes
Olivia Mojica? Who? We at American Midol are waiting until there's a scandal-free week and Sanjaya gets voted off to release our sex tapes – gotta keep traffic going somehow. I have an A.M. call with Vivid Entertainment. I'll keep you posted.

Carrie Underwood is a Winner
Okay, I take back what I said about Carrie's relationship to Jesus. Clearly he's on her side, as she picked up three more honors at the Country Music Awards. She better ask Jesus to build her an addition on the house so she has a place to put all those statues.

And now, predictions:
Bottom three: Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and (wishful thinking) Sanjaya Malakar.
Going home: Ciao, Phil.

Results Show Sort-Of Recap

Apologies for the slacking. I got a new job and, well, that shit is time consuming, yo.

I didn't think Phil Stacey's creep factor was a match for Haley Scarnato's gams, but hey, I've been wrong before. Besides, we all knew it wasn't going to be Sanjaya. I do have some questions, though:

1) Is Akon the new house band?

2) Did anyone else think it was "feel that passion" and not "percussion" in "Turn the Beat Around"?

3) Despite numerous reports of the souls-of-children-eating-shrew vaiety, how is Jennifer Lopez awesome on so many levels? And also, I may not sleep tonight based on the fact that I just said that.

Next week, when the life calms down a bit, I promise to be back on my bitchiest form.

Thursday News Update

Gina Glockson loved My Girl 2, is Mexican
The booted Idol contestant (and yes, I'm still pissed) talks about her last night. She also reveals that all contestants who don't make it are required to see a therapist before they leave. (EW)

India says "Sanjaya who?"
To all of you racists who were buying into that theory that Indian call centers were keeping Sanjaya Malakar on the show, it's sadly not true. So if it's not Indian call centers, and it's not Howard Stern and Vote for the Worst, then I guess it really is dumb Americans. Oh, and my boyfriend. I'm still working out a suitable revenge tactic for that one. (Belleville News-Democrat)

You Write the Songs
So the songwriting competition is finally underway. I think I'm going to write one – I mean, sure, I'm tone deaf and can't play any instruments, but I still think I can do better than "Do I Make You Proud?"

Top 9: The Recap (And Poll)

Crikey that was dull. Here's your recap, and don't forget to take the poll.

Blake Lewis: 'Mack the Knife'
I don't know this song, so I can't say what kind of justice Blake did this, but it nearly put me to sleep. I think Blake might actually be in a little of trouble this week, because they tell me Chris Richardson, who is vastly cuter than Blake, did a great job and I think they share a demographic in terms of who votes for them. More on Chris later.

Phil Stacey: 'Night and Day'
Oh, Phil. Phil. I love your voice, and I love this song, and I was expecting magic. I was not expecting wanting to kill myself because the world is such a cold, hard place afterward. Please, Phil, if you last another week, pick a better song.

Melinda Doolittle: 'I've Got Rhythm'
I hate this song. HATE IT. But Mindy Doo pulled it off, as always. I really, really want to see her step outside of her comfort zone at some point, though, because I know she can pull it off and it might differentiate her from Kiki, which she really needs to do, stat.

Chris Richardson: 'Don't Get Around Much Anymore'
Another song I don't know. As y'all know, I think Chris is adorable and it pains me to say this, but I just don't think he's a very good singer. And I don't get why the judges lavish so much praise on him. He can perform, sure, but the voice? It's just not there for me, dawg.

Jordin Sparks: 'On a Clear Day'
She rocked this. I'll let Curly do the gushing on this one. That said, I think she needs a longer length in the jacket. That outfit made her hips look ginormous, and they aren't.

Gina Glocksen: 'Smile'
I wish Gina had showed a little more emotion with this. I mean, the girl's usually a big pile of tears and feelings. What happened? I hope she makes it through, though, and rocks it next week like she did last week. Also, quoth the boyfriend, who watched with me, "I don't know if she should be sitting like that in that dress." She was dangerously close to flashing us some girly bits. Speaking of girly bits… Oh wait, no. Sanjaya's next, not Hayley.

Sanjaya Malakar: 'Cheek to Cheek'
I mean, really, what is there to say about that? Bad vocals, bad hair, great comment by Simon (Let's try a different tactic: That was incredible), bad response by Sanjaya (Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya!). On the bright side, he's clearly in on the joke, and that's kind of funny.

Haley Scarnato: 'Ain't Misbehavin'
Dear Haley: When you decide that your winning strategy is to change your look from white wine spritzers out on the lanai to woman of ill-repute, you can't get all bajiggity when all the comments you get are, "Green's a good color for you" (Paula) and "You've got great legs" (Simon). You are begging everyone to check out your body -- you should be thankful to Paula and Simon for pointing it out for the partially blind people that missed your cleavage and hemline.

Lakisha Jones: 'Stormy Weather'
I guess this was good, but I'm getting a little bored of LaKisha. Like Melinda, I want to see her do something different. I want to know what she's capable of. Mix it up a little, Kiki.

My predictions: Phil, Haley and Blake (or Gina) in the bottom 3. Going home: Phil. Home to a beating that his wife has been waiting to give him ever since he missed the birth of their child to audition. Now, kindly share your thoughts:

Who's Going Home?
	Blake Lewis
	Phil Stacey
	Melinda Doolittle
	Chris Richardson
	Jordin Sparks
	Gina Glocksen
	Sanjaya Malakar
	Haley Scarnato
	LaKisha Jones
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Tuesday News Update

Chris Sligh Rockin' Out for Jesus
While the jury is still out on whether Chris Sligh did or did not, in fact, bring chubby back, being on Idol has increased the popularity of his Christian rock band Half Past Forever. Next stop for the guys -- getting signed to a Christian rock label. Also, Phil Stacey is a Christian artist, which I somehow missed when I did my first roundup of Jesus-lovin' folk. (Christian Post)

Hate the Blog, Not the Blogger
Speaking of Chris Sligh, here's his blog. The show shut down said blog after Hollywood week, and forbade any of the contestants from blogging about their experiences. Personally, I think that's dumb. Since not everyone gets equal screen time, especially if someone else has naked pictures all over the Internet, letting people read what you have to say would allow them to get to know you. Just my two cents. (MTV)

Ken Warwick to Howard Stern: Suck it!
Actually, Executive Producer Ken Warwick didn't say that at all. What he did say, is that with 37 million votes each week, the shock jock isn't having a huge impact on results. Which means America is doing this, which means I weep for my country. (ET Online)

Sanjaya's Murder Plot Foiled
"J," the MySpacer who has been on a hunger strike until Sanjaya gets voted off, got hungry and ate something after her doctor told her she was being a crazy bitch and to knock it off. (TMZ)

And this isn't news, per se, but the Fug Girls have a hilarious post about one Ms. Paula Abdul in a truly baffling outfit.

Friday News Update

Chris Sligh is a Quitter
Chris Sligh tells Access Hollywood he was going to quit Idol two weeks before he got the boot. His reason for staying? Money. Specifically the money he's going to earn on the summer tour, which he wouldn't have gotten to go on had he quit the show. That doesn't sound very Christian. Also, the article goes on to say that he was kicked out of the Christian fundamentalist Bob Jones University for attending a "contemporary Christian concert featuring the group 4Him." If anyone can explain that one to me, I'm all ears.

Shyamali Malakar has Boobs
This isn't news, per se, but if you want to see Sanjaya's big sister in a low-cut top bouncing around, well, this is the link for you.

Idol Hopefuls Have Secrets
People got the sixth season finalists to spill the beans about relationships, body images and who they're most excited to be mentored by this season. Blake Lewis talks about how he needs to get laid. No really. He does.

More Idol Conspiracy Theories
I don't remember this happening, but apparently last week Chris Sligh said, "Hi Dave" at the end of his performance. The Dave in question? David Della Terza, founder of Vote for the Worst. Now, some people with a lot of time on their hands are claiming that Sligh wasn't in fact sent home because the American public didn't vote for him, but that it was a behind-the-scenes producer takedown. Yeah, it couldn't have been because he totally sucked or anything.

Chris Sligh Hearts Sanjaya
After getting voted off the show, Chris Sligh said Sanjaya's faux hawk was "killer" and that the public underestimates his talent. Also, Chris Sligh bet Phil Stacey 50 bucks that he was going home, and Phil paid up.

AOL Also Hearts Sanjaya
And they want to give you all the reasons why, complete with a slideshow. It's pretty amusing, actually.

Also, I'd just like to say that I've sort of reversed my stance on Sanjaya Malakar. I'm not going to vote for him, of course, but I feel like he embraced the "I suck" thing this week and decided to be the next William Hung, and I sort of dig him for that. Also, the show's really fucking boring this season, and this controversy is at least shaking things up a little.

One More Reason to Love Andy Samberg

There isn't going to be an actual news update today, because it's a slow news day, and I'm sure no one cares that Ace Young is performing at a rose bowl parade in some small town somewhere. Which he is. All the 'Idol' news is about how Chris Sligh got voted off and Sanjaya Malakar remains, much to my chagrin and yours. However, current SNL-er, and if I have anything to say about it, future husband Andy Samberg took on the mop-topped crooner this past weekend, and it was quite hilarious. Not dick-in-a-box hilarious, but I giggled. Here it is:

Top 10 Recap

Here are my thoughts on the contestants tonight:

LaKisha Jones: Donna Summer, "Last Dance"
LaKisha can sing her ass off, but for some reason, I'm just not feeling her. She did a great job, and like the judges said, it was nice to see her doing something upbeat. But compared to Mindy Doo, who is her major competition vocally, she's not nearly as likeable. But can we mention the breasts? Holy Mary mother of Christ.

Chris Sligh: The Police, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic"
Chris Sligh moves to the beat of a different drummer, and not in a good way. What a fucking mess that was. I guess Jesus doesn't favor Chris the way he favored Carrie Underwood.

Gina Glocksen: The Pretenders, "I'll Stand By You"
I've been in the minority with the Gina love, but I think she really pulled through tonight. That was awesome. Totally awesome. And I don't get the "smug" thing that everyone says about her. She seems genuine and really, really emotional. Which, despite my love for her, isn't very rockin'.

Sanjaya Malakar: No Doubt, "Bath Water"
Is this song really about sitting in someone's dirty bath water? Gross. Also, I firmly believe that Sanjaya is just fucking with us at this point. He may even have struck a deal with Howard Stern. Or Satan.

Haley Scarnato: Cyndi Lauper, "True Colors"
Wait, who is Haley Scarnato? Oh, that chick who dressed all slutty last week and is a less talented and less pretty Katharine McPhee? Right! Wait, she sang tonight? I barely remember.

Phil Stacey: The Police, "Every Breath You Take"
So the creepiest guy in the competition sang the creepiest song ever recorded. Which basically made the performance creepy squared. It doesn't even matter that he nailed it vocally – which he did – Blake has the confidence and Chris R. has the cute (Chris R.! Call me!) so Phil's days are numbered. I maintain that he's the best male vocalist in the competition, and admittedly that isn't saying much.

Melinda Doolittle: Donna Summer, "Heaven Knows"
Mindy Doo can do no wrong. I voted for her three times. She's small and oddly-shaped and missing a neck, but boy is she a joy to watch. And I didn't hate the outfit, Simon.

Blake Lewis: The Cure, "Love Song"
I am not at all impressed with Blake. I think he's gimmicky and he makes weird, constipated faces when he sings. And when I heard there was going to be a Cure song, and he started his beat-boxing shit, I was ready to throw down. The Cure is my second favorite band of all time, you see, second to only Pantera. But much to my dismay, Blake delivered. I actually quite enjoyed it. That fucker.

Jordin Sparks: No Doubt, "Hey Baby"
Jordin's right up there with Mindy Doo in terms of the likeability factor. And I thought this had some rough spots, but overall it was fun and I dug it. I also loved Gwen Stefani saying that she didn't realize how "musical" the song could be, meaning she didn't realize what it would sound like if someone who actually had a good voice sang it. Am I hating on Gwen Stefani? A little.

Chris Richardson: No Doubt, "Don't Speak"
Chris is adorable and I want to teach him the ways of love with an older woman, but seriously, he's way out of his league. And I don't understand why Randy and Paula keep heaping praise on him at all. And is it me, or did he look like he wanted to cry when Simon told him he sucked? There, there, Chris. Let mama give you a big hug and make it all better. Oh, and take off those pants.

And there you have it. Also, Gwen Stefani wasn't nearly as annoying as I thought she'd be, and Paul wasn't nearly as crazy as I hoped she'd be. Predictions: Bottom three – Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and Haley Scarnato. Going home? Haley. Should be going home? Sanjaya and his fauxhawk of gentle doom.

Thursday News Update

Sanjaya Starves People to Death
A woman calling herself "J" on MySpace has decided to go on a hunger strike until Sanjaya Malakar is voted off the show. You can read her profile, befriend her or call her a nutjob here. I'm thinking of joining her -- I've wanted to lose a few pounds anyway, and hunger strikes are way cooler than just starving yourself for no reason. Anyone else wanna join me? (Access Hollywood)

Howard Stern Deserves a Beatdown
Who's voting for Sanjaya, you ask? Howard Stern fans. The shock jock took a page out of Vote for the Worst's playbook, urging listeners to vote for the Idol hopeful. I dig Howard and all, but I'm not sure I can live in a world where I see Sanjaya's mug as much as I see Taylor Hicks. (MTV.com)

Ryan Seacrest Digs Chicks
Despite Simon Cowell's uncomfortable urging of Ryan Seacrest to come out of the closet, sources close to the host say he's straight as an arrow. Ex-girlfriend Shana Wall, who hosts an online cooking show, tells In Touch that they had an "amazing and passionate relationship." I wrote a couple of Ryan is gay jokes and then deleted them, because I'm tired of his ambiguous sexuality. You hear that? No more Ryan is gay jokes! Ever! Anyone want to make a bet on how long I'll stick with that? (National Ledger)

Chris Sligh Hates Jesus
Some uptight Christian folks in Chris Sligh's hometown of Greenville, SC are a little concerned about his faith. It seems the mop-topped contestant was all about the Jesus tunes prior to being on the show, but has now -- gasp! -- sung a few songs that are not at all about faith in the Lord. In other news, uptight Christians in Chris Sligh's hometown of Geenville, SC really, really want him to lose the show. (South Bend Tribune)

And if you missed Paula Abdul's batshit crazy interview on Letterman Monday night, well, I suggest you get caught up with the rest of the cool kids:

Friday News Update

India Determines the Next American Idol?
This is all rumor, to be sure, but some sites are claiming that outsourced tech support workers in India may be using their speed-dialing capabilities to keep Sanjaya Malakar on the show. Not that I really believe it or anything -- I mean, we are talking about the same American public that crowned Taylor Hicks their American Idol last year, and buy Chris Daughtry's albums. Still, it's fun to spread unfounded, racially paranoid gossip! And don't miss the photo of Sanjaya's big sis in her Hooters uniform. (Tabloid Baby)

Kiki and Sanjaya BFFs
Speaking of Sanjaya, LaKisha Jones has taken the young lad under her wing, telling him not to listen to what anybody says and to keep doing his thing. I agree with this advice -- the more he does his thing, the less time he'll have left on the show. (TMZ)

Ryan Seacrest is Straight
Hilarious video of Seacrest's "straightest" moments. (Gawker)

Antonella Barba's Finest Moments
Do you sometimes lie in bed at night wishing you could hear Antonella Barba's rendition of Don't Want to Miss a Thing just one more time? But you erased it from your DVR. What now? That my friends, is what MySpace is for.

Taylor to KFC: No Way!
Taylor Hicks dropped 22 pounds since he's been off the show. How did he do it? More exercise, less fried chicken. In other news, Taylor Hicks is still retarded, still lying about being 30, and still has bad hair.

Simon Says No to Kinky Couple
In a 60 Minutes interview set to air on March 18th, Simon tells Anderson Cooper about a couple that invited Simon over to critique their lovemaking (ew, I said lovemaking) for $100,000. He didn't do it, but wishes he had just for the story. And I don't blame him. You should hear my stories about watching couples do each other. They're a huge hit at baptisms and wakes.

Results

Recap probably coming later from someone who watched the show more closely than I did (making the boyfriend watch with me usually leads to my missing half of the show because of channel surfing during commercials or talking or whatnot), but for those of you searching for who got voted off, it was, as we all predicted thankyouverymuch Brandon Rogers, with his adorable face and fabulous skin and pretty smile and cute hairdo and disappointing vocals. What we didn't predict correctly is who would actually comprise the bottom three. Phil? NO! Sanjaya? YES! And there you have it, folks.

Dissent and Goings-On

I'm not going to do a full recap, because Curly did such a good job. I'll take the news, but first, I have to make a few points about last night, either because they weren't previously mentioned or because I don't agree with what's been stated.

1. I'm irrationally protective of Gina, which I fully admit, but I thought she did a good job with Love Child. While she may not have the flawless vocal power of LaKisha and Melinda, I think she's a hard worker with a great range, and I enjoyed it. If she sticks around, I think she's going to grow week after week, especially now that she's in the little rocker box the judges have been trying to shove her into since day one.

2. I actually don't think Haley is going to be in the bottom three this week. She clearly has a fan base, and when Antonella was voted off, I was all set to redirect my hatred toward Haley, but she's just so damn likeable. It actually kind of pisses me off.

3. I like Phil Stacey, and I don't care who knows it. He's a super dork who tries to act like a cool guy, and I would never want to see him naked, but when he hits those power notes, he makes me smile. I can't help it. With all the shoddy non-talent on the guy's side, I need someone to root for, and he's it.

4. I hated Stephanie's rendition of Love Hangover. I thought it was boring, and didn't show her amazing vocal range. Also, did you know she's only 19? Can the judges give her a little of that Jordin love?

5. After the uncomfortable banter between Simon and Ryan last night, the only thing that's really left for them to do is make out with each other during a live show. I am so sick of the "I'm straight, you're gay, no, I'm straight, you're gay, or, you know, let's just fuck each other" thing they have going on this season. I mean, it's always there to a certain degree, but COME ON.

6. My predictions: Bottom three goes to Brandon Rogers, Chris Sligh and Stephanie Edwards. Going home? Brandon Rogers.

Okay, and now onto the news:

Idol Hopefuls Love Jesus
Chris Sligh, Jordin Sparks and Melinda Dolittle all have friends at the Gospel Music Association. As long as none of them start ranting about "lifestyle choices," ala Mandisa, they're cool by me. (Christian Today)

Sheryl Crowe hates Idol
I don't know about you, but I'm sick of "artists" hating on Idol. While the show may be responsible for the inexplicable fame of DAUGHTRY, you can't really deny that it's produced some viable stars who deserve their fame. Kelly Clarkson, anyone? (Buddy TV)

Jennifer Hudson May Play Aretha Franklin
Great. Then she'll be nominated for another Oscar and diss Idol again and then we can have another Hudson vs. Cowell feud. Sigh. (All Headline News)

Jennifer Hudson is Also a Huge Diva
Hudson reportedly tried to back out of performing at the Soul Train Awards, but then attended after Clive Davis issued a smackdown. Okay, seriously, this girl is not famous or accomplished enough to be acting like this. I'm so sick of her. (I Don't Like You in That Way)

Simon Will Quit if Sanjaya Wins
To show our solidarity, I hereby decree that should Sanjaya win, American Midol will be no more. Mejack? Curly? You with me? (TV Squad)

Result Show: The Recap

First of all, I don't want to hear the song "Stuck in the Middle With You" unless I'm watching someone's ear get cut off. I certainly don't want to listen to Haley Scarnato warble through it. Apparently, someone forgot to turn Sanjaya Malakar's mic on and dammit, Sundance actually sounds good. What the hell is going on?

Phil Stacey is safe! His wife claps and smiles prettily but deep down in the ugly parts of her brain I bet she's thinking, "You BEST be fucking safe after missing the birth of our child for this!"

Jared Cotter is going home. I rule! He pulls the Chris Daughtry douche move and acts surprised, then angry, then actually verbalizes how surprised he is. Cocky much? Antonella Barba is inexplicably crying at this news. The camera is avoiding Sundance, who is crying like a damn fool I'm sure.

Brandon Rogers and Melina Doolittle are brought out, the two backup singers. Is there room for two backup singers in this competition? Why yes, there is. I was wrong about Brandon, and I'm glad.

Carrie Underwood hits the stage. Seriously, how can you not like Carrie Underwood? She's adorable, she seems sweet, and she can sing like nobody's business. She almost makes me enjoy country. And Jesus.

Antonella is going home. For once, I am proud of America. Well, the part of America that isn't my Little Brother, anyway. I was wrong about Stephanie Edwards, and once again, I am glad.

[Side note: LB just sent me an IM about his darling Antonella. What a sad day. Like remembering where you were when The Challenger exploded.]

Sabrina Sloan and Haley Scarnato take the stage. They are both crying. I have a very, very bad feeling. My feeling is confirmed as they announce that Sabrina's journey ends. Suddenly, I hate America again. Sundance wipes big man tears out of his eyes.

Thursday announcement: Idol wants to give back. Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest took a trip to Africa. They hung out with children living under horrible conditions. I can't even snark on this, because this obviously had a profound effect on both of them, and they were adorable with the kids, particularly Simon. Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul are heading to New Orleans next to help victims of Katrina. This is very cool, y'all. Anyway, there are going to be two television "events" to support the cause. Here are the DEETS (Mejack loves it when I say DEETS):

April 24th and 25th: Tuesday's show will be an inspirational songs theme. The top six remaining contestants will sing, and for every vote the American public casts, Coca Cola, AT&T and "others" will donate money. Ford will also be contributing through a weekly video series. Viewers at home will be able to make their own contributions via an 800-number or online. Quincy Jones will be writing a song for the top six to perform, and special guests will include; Borat, Gwen Stefani, Pink, Josh Groban, Bono, Annie Lennox and Michael Buble.

Last up: Sanjaya Malakar and Sundance Head. I honestly don't care which one of them is going home. It’s Sundance! The judges are shocked, because in the reality they choose to live in, Sundance hasn't sucked since Hollywood. Also, when they told him he sucked week after week? Never happened. Sundance does unspeakable things to Pearl Jam, again, and that, my friends, begins the finals on American Idol.

Wednesday News Update

Should we even call it a news update anymore? Isn't it really just an Antonella Barba update at this point? Anyway, without further ado…

Take a Gamble on Antonella Barba
Online betting site WagerWeb is less concerned with who will win this season of Idol and more so on what dramas will play out. I don't know about you, but I think that's a lot more fun than watching the guys perform. Not surprisingly, they have an entire category devoted to our favorite Jersey Girl. Among the items one can bet on are: she will appear nude in Playboy and she will be photographed drunk with Paris Hilton. You know, I was going to declare a ban on all things Antonella, but she's so damn good for traffic, and I'm nothing if not a traffic whore. Antonella Barba, Antonella Barba, Antonella Barba…

Joe Francis Wants Antonella Barba to Go Wild
Girls Gone Wild creator and notorious scumbag Joe Francis wants Antonella, and she doesn't even have to flash her boobs. Francis has reportedly offered her $250,000 to host one of his racy videos. Oh, Joe. She would have done it for free.

Chi-Town to Jennifer Hudson: …
Yesterday was officially Jennifer Hudson Day in the Oscar-winner's hometown of Chicago. Only when she asked the crowd for audience participation, she was met with dead silence. A second attempt yielded the same results. Backlash for all of her Idol smacktalking, perhaps?

FOX: 1, Rosie: 0
FOX issues Rosie O'Donnell a smackdown for her recent negative comments about the show -- they won't let The View use clips anymore. If only shutting Rosie up were that easy.

Zzzz...Recap...Zzzz

I'm not going to do a full recap, because Curly covered it, but I will say that last night felt like watching a kindergarten talent show, where all the kids are ugly so you can't even enjoy it from a cuteness standpoint. That's not to say the boys are ugly. (Chris R.! Call me!) It's just to say that it was that painful.

Anyway, last night we got the opportunity to learn a little bit about all of our contestants. It was the usual, boring stuff, with the exception of Blake Lewis' "improv" character, Jimmy Walker Blue, which gave me nightmares. Here's what I learned about the contestants last night, not through their video confessions, but through the rest of the show.

Blake Lewis' favorite band is 311. Think about that for a moment, will you? 3-motherfucking-11. While I did like "All Mixed Up" back in the day, I'm not sure I'd call them a particularly solid band. In fact, I bought their CD because of that song, and thought, "Every single one of these songs sounds the same." Oh, wait! NOW I get it…

Sanjaya Malakar has more hair versatility than I do.

Pearl Jam apparently wronged Sundance Head in either this life or one previously.

If he chooses the right song, Chris Richardson is just as capable of boring the shit out of me as every other guy on the show!

Jared Cotter thinks that argyle is sexy.

In some circles, mostly those containing Simon Cowell and well, just Simon Cowell, Brandon Rogers is known almost exclusively as "Travis."

Phil Stacey isn't entirely sure how to correctly use the phrase, "grain of salt."

Chris Sligh just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?

I love how the judges started the show by over praising all the guys, and then couldn't even keep up with it and just sort of gave up because they're really that bad. Dial Idol's got Phil Stacey and Sundance Head in the bottom two, but I'm not buying it. I say bye bye to Jared Cotter and Brandon Rogers. I wish I was saying bye bye to Sanjaya and Sundance, though.

Friday News Update

It's a light news day, people. All anyone wants to discuss is skanky Antonella Barba and how she's still on the show. I apologize in advance for boring you.

Jennifer Hudson up for an NAACP Image Award
Beyonce's up for a few too, so maybe she'll stop making voodoo dolls of Jennifer Hudson and praying to The Dark Lord to wipe her from existence.

Bucky's #1
The video for Bucky Covington's first single, "A Different World," debuted at #1 on CMT's Pure Country Video Playlist. I'm not sure if that's a good thing; as I'm not terribly familiar with either the channel or the show, but it sounds like it's the TRL of country music, in which case, go Bucky!

FOX is #1, Too!
FOX swept the ratings Thursday night, just like it does on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I'm not a ratings analyst, but I don't really get why everyone is so surprised by this.

Ask the Idols
Do you want to know what it is about Phil Stacey that makes him both scary and intensely likeable at the same time? If Sundance Head cries when he watches Bambi? If Blake Lewis knows how awful that hat was? If so, PEOPLE is sitting down with the 'Idol' hopefuls and asking them YOUR questions. If you submit one, and your question is featured, let us know! We won't make fun of you. Promise.

If you need a pick-me-up after all that, check out Kellie Pickler's new breasts:

Results Show: The Recap

Let me blog about this bullshit show while it's still fresh in my mind. America, I hate you.

First to get the ax was Nick Pedro. I predicted him to go, and in this case, I think America got it right. When he did his exit song, I thought it was really cute when he turned away from the audience and gave each of the guys handshakes. Simon was right when he said it was Nick's lack of charisma that got him voted off.

Next to go home was Alaina Alexander. This was a pleasant surprise, as I thought America would be too smitten with her cute face and pretty hair to let her go. I thought it was kind of lame how she gave up on the song halfway through, though. If I remember correctly, Ayla Brown cried through her whole exit song and still managed to rock it. Also, when Paula was delivering her parting words did the sound cut off on the actual show, or was that just my digital cable?

Then Kellie Pickler performed. As I've mentioned previously, I'm not a fan of the Pickler. And the way they had her all done up, with the weird hair and the harsh eye makeup, she looked like a washed-up, 60-year-old ex-country singer who just can't give up the karaoke bars. Also, did she get a boob job? If not, I really want to find out where she gets her bras and stock up, because her rack was awe-inducing. The song itself, I hate to admit, kind of touched me. I thought it was sad and it was sweet and I actually thought she sounded good. Good thing her rehearsed conversation with Ryan afterward about how spider sushi isn’t really spiders brought my rage back, though.

Next to go home was A.J. Tabaldo. What the fuck, America? Mejack, did you vote for Sanjaya more than you voted for A.J? If you did, then I blame you. Also, I hate that they make the losers sing the song that got them voted off. It's unnecessarily cruel.

Then, Leslie Hunt got the boot, which was no real surprise but still bummed me out because 1) I really liked her and 2) fucking Antonella is still here. Damn you, LB! I loved how she replaced the scat part of the song with this, though. "Why did I decide to scat? America don't care for jazz." Leslie and I could so hang.

Also, the Daughtry song that they play over the montage is worse than "Had a Bad Day." The latter was at least insidious enough to get stuck in my head for days. With Daughtry, I get to forget it exists and then have the same dull reminder each week.

Now, let's talk about the criers. Sundance cries a LOT. He cried when Nick got the boot. He cried when A.J. got the boot. I don't have cinematographic evidence, but I think he may have cried through the whole show. Also, you know how when something upsets a toddler, he or she stands there making that awful face while they try to decide whether or not they're going to cry? That's Sundance Head's cry face, and it ain't pretty. Also joining in the waterworks were Jordin, who teared up a little when Alaina got the boot and sobbed when Leslie did, Stephanie, who teared up when Alaina got the ax and Gina Glocksen, who pretty much just lost her shit when Leslie went. Melinda Doolittle cried when A.J. got the boot, but I wonder if that's just because she realized you can get high praise from the judges and still be sent packing on any given week.

America? Suck it. And if you keep Sanjaya and Antonella one more week, I'm moving to Canada.

Top 10 Girls Recap

I just had a startling realization. We have no rocker and no country singer this season on 'Idol.' Maybe that's why I'm so bored -- no diversity among the contestants really. Also, I would like to share with you the text message conversation I had with Little Brother last night during the show:

Me: Antonella Barba cannot sing.

LB: Who cares? Did you see those cans?

Me: You live in Long Island. Every girl looks like that.

LB: Fair enough, but they don't all have trashy pics posted on the Internet.

And thus he continues to support her. He even told me he'd be voting for her every week she remains on the show. So if she keeps assaulting my ears week after week, I'll blame him. And now, ladies and gentleman, your recap:

Gina Glocksen: Heart - 'Alone'
I know Gina is getting a lot of shit for doing this song after Carrie Underwood rocked it so hard. Whatever, I like Gina, I thought she did a great job and I dug the outfit.

Alaina Alexander: Dixie Chicks - 'Not Ready to Make Nice'
Alaina sucks, and she keeps proving it week after week. She's out of her league. Send her home.

Lakisha Jones: Gladys Knight - 'Midnight Train To Georgia'
One of my biggest and most frequent complaints about this show is that they haven't had someone who comes out week after week and just nails it since Kelly Clarkson. I'm sure I drive everyone crazy with my "Kelly Clarkson never had a bad performance" whining. Thank God for Lakisha Jones. She was awesome last night. I do agree with Simon on the outfit, though -- homegirl looked like she was about to run to the Target for some slingbacks.

Melinda Doolittle: Mitzi Green - 'My Funny Valentine'
Double thank God for Melinda! I love, love, love her. As Randy Jackson would say, she's da bomb, baby!

Antonella Barba: Celine Dion - 'Because You Loved Me'
Okay, seriously. Get this chick off the show. She cannot sing. She makes my ears bleed. She was like a 10-year-old at a talent show. Also, Antonella, you are not Jennifer Hudson. Don't compare yourself to her. She has talent. You have photographic evidence that you pee sitting down.

Jordin Sparks: Christina Aguilera - 'Reflection'
I love Jordin, but I hate this song and I hated her rendition of it. Still, she's adorable and likeable and I think she's drummed up enough support that she'll make it through this week.

Stephanie Edwards: Beyonce - 'Dangerously In Love'
I've never really understood this song. It's weird and complicated and all over the place and when I hear it, I just don't understand what it's trying to do. Still, I think Stephanie Edwards did it on par with Beyonce. I'm not sure it bodes well for her, though, that each week when they announce her name I think, "Wait, who's Stephanie Edwards again?"

Leslie Hunt: Nina Simone - 'Feeling Good'
Have we ever had a week where two people sang the same song? I dig Leslie and her superweirdness and her smoky voice, but it's hard not to compare her rendition to A.J.'s when he was so awesome. I worry for Leslie -- she's this season's Melissa McGhee

Haley Scarnato: Whitney Houston - 'Queen of the Night'
This was strange and screamy and her hair was awful and her outfit made her look like she was about to have a drink out on the lanai with Blanche Devereaux. And that's all I have to say about that.

Sabrina Sloan: Whitney Houston - 'He Fills Me Up'
Like I said before, Sabrina can sing -- no doubt about that. I don't like her, and it's completely irrational. I still don't think she exudes any sort of likable personality, and I'm not sure how much longer she's going to last. Also, every time I hear this song, I think he's filling me up with semen and it grosses me out.

Going home: Haley and Leslie
Should be going home: Antonella and Alaina

News, Predictions, Thoughts, etc.

Last night, we were lucky enough to watch 'Idol' at Mejack's, while we stuffed ourselves full of chips and dip and Chinese food and booze. Aside from Jared Cotter's boner, I barely remember the show. That may have been all the wine, though. My predictions: Nick Pedro and Jared Cotter. Before I get into the news, though, here are some other people's predictions:

Dial Idol says Nicolas Pedro and Brandon Rogers.

EW's Michael Slezak think it will be Nicolas Pedro and Sanjaya Malakar

AOL's poll has Sundance Head and Brandon Rogers at the bottom.

For the record, I think Sanjaya's cuteness, Sundance's um… whatever it is that makes people still root for him and Brandon's camera fucking will keep the three of them around for at least another week. And now, your news:

Some people are just OUTRAGED that Antonella Barba got photographed doing what she does best -- behaving like a porn star (Did you think I meant singing?) at a WWII memorial. Not to be all judgy, but I'm guessing they live in red states and have secret porn stashes. (WorldNetDaily)

Simon thinks whoever sold the pics of Antonella are 'despicable.' Hugh Hefner thinks they're 'sexy.' I bet we all know what our favorite Jersey girl will be doing when she gets voted off. Don't worry. We'll buy the Playboy and scan the pics in for your viewing pleasure until someone threatens to sue us. (Access Hollywood)

Taylor Hicks does not, in fact, make America proud, as his album sales slide way down the charts. (Post-Tribune)

If you ever go to a housewarming party for Chris Daughtry, bring razors and a bible. (People)

Jennifer Hudson's bolero from the center of the universe was not her fault. Also, oceans are a part of your world. Keep them clean. (Chocolate: The Magazine That's Better Than Sex That's really their tagline)

And finally, many of you want to know what Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Hudson wouldn't do that Carrie Underwood and Kellie Pickler did, thanks to the obnoxious and oft-repeated FOX promo last night. I thought it was anal, but it turns out I was wrong. It's thank 'Idol' for their success. Wait, Kellie Pickler's a "success"?

Monday News Update

Today in Antonella Barba news: blowjob pics that may or may not be her! No one taught her that very important lesson about how letting people take racy photos of you in compromising positions in the Internet age is maybe not such a good idea if you want to become famous someday. I don't know about you, but I keep all my pics where I'm performing oral sex on people under lock and key. If you click through, photos are mostly safe for work. They have links to the super NSFW versions if you work at Penthouse or happen to be at home. Oh, Antonella. Anyone think she's going to get booted for this? (I Don't Like You in That Way)

Vote for the Worst Has Even MORE Shocking photos of Ms. Barba. Totally safe for work, but you might not be the same after seeing them.

Leslie Hunt has lupus, is being honored by the Lupus Research Institute Chicago (PR Newswire)

Nigel Lithgoe drops more hints about an upcoming announcement. I am getting really tired of Nigel's hints. I bet he leaves voicemail messages like, "Call me when you get a chance. I have some very important news!" I hate people who leave voicemail messages like that. I bet he makes people guess his age, too. (TV Week)

Didja hear? Jennifer Hudson won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar. Didja see? She dressed herself like a spaceman. (iVillage)

Rich, oily tool Brandon Davis did what he does best at Paris Hilton's 26th birthday bash on Saturday: acted like a complete ass. Inexplicably, Paula Abdul was in attendance, and, according to the Daily News:

But around 10 p.m., Davis started acting up. "He was hurling flowers at Paula Abdul," says a guest. "Then he began bombing her with Styrofoam flower-holders. He was shouting, 'Lick my [BLEEP], Paula!' He started mocking her ancestry by speaking gibberish in an Arabic accent.

And if you missed Tyra Banks feeling up Katharine McPhee, then watch this video and get with the program. How skinny does McPhee look, by the way?



Photo: I Don't Like You in That Way

Morning Quickie

That's the best kind, really. I didn't do a stellar job prediction-wise, but in my defense, it's been a whole year and I'm still warming up. Anyway, just wanted to add that they announced the roster of guests coaches for the season. They are, in no particular order:

• Diana Ross


• Gwen Stefani


• Jennifer Lopez


• Jon Bon Jovi


• Tony Bennett


• Martina McBride


• Barry Gibb


• Peter Noone


• Lulu

So they're making it younger and sexier this season. Well, sort of younger and sexier. But hey, if there's no Burt Bacharach I am one happy camper. Also, Jon Bon Jovi is still rocking the hotness, so that's something to look forward to.

Stay tuned for news, links and profanity later this afternoon.

More Thoughts

You know what's funny? Going into the semifinals, I really thought we had a lot of strong boys and a lot of weak girls. Turns out, that's not the case, because the girls rocked the motherfucking house last night! I agree with Mejack on the NADS thing, too. Here's my rundown:

Stephanie Edwards, "How Come You Don't Call Me": I seem to be the only one who thought this, but it felt like her lyrics weren't in the right place. Like, she was either singing too fast or too slow. Overall, though, I thought she did a good job.

Amy Krebs, "I Can't Make You Love Me": Who? What? I'm sorry, but I don't remember this Amy Krebs person you speak of.

Leslie Hunt, "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman": I agree with Randy that the song was too big for her. I also agreed with what Simon was trying to say, which is that she seemed uncomfortable. However, I dig her voice and I dig the fact that she's super-weird, and I hope she makes it through this week and really brings it next week.

Sabrina Sloan, "Never Loved a Man the Way That I Love You": Okay, yeah, whatever. Sabrina has a great voice, she hit all the notes, and yet I really don't care. She's talented, but I don't think she has the type of personality that will really make people connect with her and want to vote for her.

Antonella Barba, "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing": Worst. Song. Choice. Ever. After hearing her butcher Aerosmith, I really think she's out of her league in the competition. Also, the local FOX news station was supposed to be doing a story about her racy photos, but they mysteriously had "technical problems" and couldn't bring us the story. They're also based in Jersey. Coincidence? Hm…

Jordin Sparks, "Gimme One Reason": Awesome. Perfect. I hope she doesn't flame out halfway through the season like Lisa Tucker, last year's baby, did.

Nicole Tranquillo, "Stay": Awful and screamy and scary and the only thing I hated more than watching her scrunch her face up in rage was listening to her angrily shout lyrics at me. I was surprised that the judges weren't harsher. If I were Simon, I would have replaced "indulgent" with "horrifying."

Haley Scarnato, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now": Embarrassing confession: I love this song. I really do. It's a guilty pleasure. Keep in mind I listen to Pantera and Slayer and shit usually, which makes it even odder that I dig it. Anyway, I did not love it when Haley sang it. And I also scribbled this down as I was watching: What is she wearing? Is that PANTS? OMG, it's pants!

Melinda Doolittle, "Since You Been Gone": Honestly, how can you not root for Melinda Doolittle? Even the coldest, blackest of hearts (like mine) would have to warm over and brighten up when she performed. She might be the nicest person on Earth, and she's talented to boot. I tried to vote for her multiple times but couldn't get through.

Alaina Alexander, "Brass in Pocket": Alaina's cute and she has a good story, but I've never really been wowed by her vocally. Last night I thought she was just dreadful.

Gina Glocksen, "All By Myself": Hate the song, loved her. I honestly didn't think homegirl could sing like that. But WTF was Randy talking about when he said, "Big girl, big voice!" I'd hardly describe Gina as a "big" girl. Stop projecting your fatness onto others, Randy.

Lakisha Jones, "And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going": Did anyone notice all the wink-wink-nudge-nudge between Simon and Ryan when Ryan mentioned Jennifer Hudson before this song? I thought that was interesting, and I'm sure they had a good laugh about it while they shared a post-coital cigarette. Seriously, the two of them and their flirting is out of hand this season. Anyway, Lakisha, like all the big black girls who came before her, rocked the house. She was awesome. If she doesn't start hating on the gays and preaching about Jesus like Mandisa did last season, she might stay a crowd favorite.

My predictions? Amy and Haley are going home. If I had my way, though, it would be Antonella and Alaina. Unfortunately, Dial Idol has Antonella in the top three.

News and Other Silliness

AOL has their drag-and-rank feature up and running. Blake Lewis is in the lead. Surprisingly, Jared Cotter made the top six. I can barely even remember his performance, and when he first took the stage, I turned to my cat and said, "Who the fuck is that?" Vote here.

Simon and Paula may have dubbed Seattle the worst of the worst, but now that all's said and done, five semifinalists came from there. Granted, Rudy Cardenas was one of them, but still. (TV Squad)

Jennifer Lopez will be hitting the Idol stage on April 11th, which I can only assume is my own personal birthday present. Hopefully, she won't be wearing this. (London Net)

Vote for the Worst has named their first target of the season: Sundance Head. At least it's not Sanjaya. He may have sucked last night, but he's a cutie patootie.

Vote for the Worst has also uncovered the truth about Antonella Barba: She's a drunken whore (NSFW). Oh come on, she's from Jersey. Obviously she's a drunken whore.

Fantasia Barrino will perform on this Thursday's live show, and make a "special announcement." I don't know about you, but the suspense is just killing me. (Charlotte Observer)

Dial Idol has their predictions in. Top 3: Sundance Head, Sanjaya Malakar and Chris Richardson (aka My Future Baby-Daddy). Um, Sundance and Sanjaya? For reals? I hate America already.

John Peter Lewis, like, rules and stuff. (PR Newswire)

News Brief

Are you excited for the top 12 boys tonight? I am SO motherfucking excited. In fact, I may even skip yoga and watch in real time. That's dedication, yo. Anyway, onto today's news:

Kelly Clarkson thinks Britney Spears is still hot with her bald head. I agree to a point -- it's a vast improvement over that busted up weave, but I'm not sure I'd go so far as "hot." (All Headline News)

Nigel Lithgoe says there's a big twist coming up, and it's not the much-talked-about songwriting competition. I'm thinking Paula Abdul doing kegstands halfway through every program. Oh wait, no. Paula's never been drunk. EVER. (TV Grapevine)

Simon Cowell hates kids, marriage. (Daily Mail)

Ayla Brown discusses song choices, outfits, and gives some advice to the Top 24. (Boston Herald)

If you got a busy signal while trying to place your vote for Taylor Hicks last season, you're not alone. Also, I think I might hate you. Here, a look at why the phone lines are so clogged up. (Forbes)

Michael Jackson and Nigel Lithgoe dispel rumors that Jacko's going to be on the show this season. I am so, so happy that I don't have to cringe my way through that freakshow. (Celebrity Spider)

News, News and More News

Well folks, it just occurred to me that no one posted a news update today. I should be going to bed, but how will I sleep if I know I've let y'all down? I won't, that's how. So without further ado:

In case you didn't watch the Grammys last night, our girl Carrie Underwood took home not one, but two, for Best New Artist and Best Country Song for "Jesus Take the Wheel." In other news, Jess has asked Jesus if maybe he wouldn't mind working for her tomorrow. We'll see if he comes through. (Celebrity Café)

Nigel Lithgoe hates blogs, will cut a bitch who tries to blog while on the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

Rumor has it Simon Cowell gave contestant Tom Lowe an unfair advantage. Wait, are they insinuating that reality television isn't really "real"? I refuse to believe it! (Buddy TV)

Celebs share what song they'd sing for Idol auditions. (People)

This little lady alerted us to some Hollywood week spoilers. And by "spoilers," I mean don't click this link if you don't want to know. I can't be held responsible for your spoilage – consider yourself warned. I also can't verify the accuracy of this information.

Hollywood week! Woo hoo! Bring it ON.

Not Necessarily the News

As part of their "People You Should Know" section, CNN asks Katharine McPhee the tough questions. You know, hard-hitting questions like, "Your image is much sexier now. Was that intentional?" I hate when I accidentally give myself a sexy makeover. I did it twice last week, even. (CNN)

Paula Abdul gets sued for secretly selling her reality show that was supposed to air on Oxygen to Bravo. Well, of course she did. She probably figured no one would notice. Also, whatever network Hey Paula finally airs on, I am SO there. (Post Chronicle)

Ashlyn Carr, she of the second chances and the strange facial expressions (and also a very pretty voice, IMHO), is a hardened criminal. Okay, not really, but she was charged with criminal mischief in November 2006 for pouring sugar in her ex-boyfriend's gas tank. If he was another one of those people who were mean to her because she had such a great voice, then he totally deserved it, obvs. (Reality TV magazine)

Speaking of criminal Idol contestants, Akron Watson, also from San Antonio, was uninvited after getting through to Hollywood. While he does have a misdemeanor charge of marijuana possession against him, he'd apparently told Idol about it. Very curious. He's launched a MySpace page to gain support to be reinstated as a contestant. (Reality TV Magazine)

And because I'm apparently a Reality TV Magazine groupie today, here's another: There's a rumor floating around that Sean Michel, my personal favorite thus far, may be disqualified for not cutting his long-ass Jesus hair and beard. This better not be true. Not in a world where we have to live with Taylor Hicks, who the boyfriend refers to as "that elderly gentleman who won American Idol last season." (Reality TV Magazine)

Back in the day, Simon Cowell was a little girly man cowering before Eddie Murphy. (TV Squad)

Miss last night's show? I missed some of it because I was baking a sticky toffee pudding. I'd give you some, but I really didn't make enough for everyone and that wouldn't be fair. Thank heavens the audition shows are finally over! If you need to catch up on the San Antonio auditions, choose your own adventure:

People Magazine's recap

EW's recap

Television Without Pity's recap

Or, you know, check back later for Curly's recap. Naturally, it will be the best one.

Afternoon Newsbreak

It's a light news day, people. Jennifer Hudson is still whining about the fact that she's like, totally famous now, but that the show was abusive. Boo-fucking-hoo Jennifer Hudson. Also, Chris Daughtry had some shows which some people loved and some people hated. Very exciting stuff. Anyway, here's what little news I did manage to find:

Kellie Pickler, I mean, Jamie Lynn Ward's kin are none too pleased about her telling that whole dad-shoots-mom-then-himself story on national television. The stepmom survived the shooting, by the way. (NY Post)

Jessica Sierra, who was a season 4 finalist and who I don't remember AT ALL, had a stalker. Where's my stalker? Ahem, I mean our stalker. (Tennessean)

Carrie Underwood is not, I repeat, NOT dating woman-hating Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo. So stop telling everyone that, Gossip McRumorpants. (People)

A new DVD called American Idol Unauthorized claims that the show is rigged. To prove their point, they interviewed a bunch of whiny ex-hopefuls who believe the they would have won otherwise. Riiiight. (Toronto Star)

I'm Blaming the PMS

Last night was an oddly touching night for an American Idol audition show. I cried real tears, y'all, and for someone who hates on pretty much everything, that's saying a lot.

Let's talk about Phuong Pham. My eyes filled with tears when she said her mother told her she wasn't pretty enough for TV, and that she was "no Katharine McPhee." I mean, what mother says that to a child? I don't have kids, but I can tell you that if I did, and one was a hunchback with bad skin and a hairlip, I'd still tell her she was the most beautiful girl in the world. When she got up to sing, I said aloud to the television, "Please let her be good. Oh God, please." Sadly, she wasn't.

Then there was Sherman Pore, a 64-year-old man who had lost his wife to cancer two days prior and just wanted the chance to audition and dedicate a song to her. And he had a lovely voice. I was sobbing, and even typing it now, I'm getting misty. Christ, when did I become such a sap?

Brandon Rogers, the hottie with the five-head who Paula Abdul and Olivia Newton-John wanted to simultaneously fellate, was probably the first person I've seen that I can actually see in the finals. The rest of the show is a blur -- losers begging for chances to butcher a second song, tears, things that made my brain hurt. Mostly forgettable, but the sweet moments actually got me a little more interested in watching the auditions again. But just a little.

Birmingham, the Recap

And this, my friends, is the point in the season where I say to myself, "Holy Mary Mother of God, can we get to fucking Hollywood already?"

Birmingham, blah. Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, Bo Bice, blah. Why does Birmingham have to hog all of the American Idols?

Anyway, let's go. First up was Erika Skye, who bears more than your passing resemblance to Stephanie Klein and sang a screamy rendition of "Unchained Melody" that made my brain hurt. I'm not going to go into everyone else -- just the ones I feel like talking about.

Jamie Lynn Ward. Now, her father shot her mother and then himself, leaving him paralyzed in a wheelchair. We weren't told the mother's fate, but she doesn't live in the house so I'm guessing it's not good. It's a sad story, and it makes her this season's Kellie Pickler. But here's the thing. I may hate The Pickler now, but I really liked her after the audition. Why? Because she had a sad story and she sang the crap out of "Since U Been Gone." Jamie Lynn Ward did not sing the crap out of "Reflection." Had she been a regular girl without a good backstory, we wouldn't have even seen her audition, and she certainly wouldn't have made it to Hollywood.

Now, Chris Sligh. He also didn't sing the shit out of "Kiss From a Rose," but he said he was there to make David Hasselhoff cry, and for that he should be the next American Idol. Let's review: Dad shoots mom, self. Go home. Snarky comment about David Hasselhoff. You're the next American Idol. My heart is black and my soul is cold.

Last but now least, Brandy Patterson. Delusional and with an attitude up to here, she poured kerosene on "Like a Virgin," lit it on fire and then danced on the ashes. I mean, just, wow. The best part was Simon's reaction to her. I love it when Simon, who is so reserved, bursts into laughter. And when he said, "Call me," and she said, "I don't want to call you," and he said, "Yes you do," and they went on and on, I burst out laughing. I love me some Simon Cowell.

Paula was mysteriously absent on Day 2 of Birmingham. Did she really have "family business"? Was she too drunk to go on? Did the lack of talent in Birmingham send her over the edge? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this year's American Idol will not be from Alabama.

Link it up, baby:

Death by Camera has the Memphis contestant's MySpace Profiles.

EW has the full recap

As does TWoP

News Roundup

Greetings! One-fifth of your favorite "pseudo-intellectual satirist" team has just returned from Ireland, where I dutifully watched a little bit of the Memphis auditions during football half-time (soccer for you Americans). I still have a couple of hours to catch up on, so I'll stick with the news until I've done so. I do, however, love Sean Michel, the homeless-looking hippie dude who sang Johnny Cash. I want to do bong hits with him. Anyway, the news:

Simon Cowell hates technology, music, often rubs two sticks together to make fire. Guess that means he'll never read American Midol. (AZ Central)

Katharine McPhee releases her highly-anticipated (couldn't even type that with a straight face) debut album. If you're curious to hear what all the fuss is about, but loathe to shell out the big bucks to do so, it's your lucky day, because AOL Music is streaming that bitch for free. (WTOP)

Armed & Famous cancelled due to poor ratings, leading TV execs and the media to the shocking conclusion that if you want a new show, an old show or any show, really, to succeed, you might not want to air it opposite American Idol. (Canada.com)

Chris Daughtry's debut album hits #1. In related news, Americans have really shitty taste in music. (93X Rocks)

Everything you never wanted to know about what went on behind the scenes at the Birmingham auditions. (MyFox Birmingham)

When drunk and incoherent, it's always best to blame Simon Cowell. Riiiight, Paula. (Access Hollywood)

And there you have it. I'd also like to address a couple of search terms that have recently brought visitors to the site. First, to the person who got here by searching for "mean american idol bloggers suck," I'm terribly sorry you feel that way. And for the individual searching for Ryan Seacrest's height, the official party line is 5'8", but since short guys always add an inch or two, I'm guess he's actually around 5'6" or 5'7". Has anyone stood next to him? If so, kindly weigh in.

All McPhee, All the Time

To promote her new "album," Katharine Mcphee will be making the TV rounds. Here's her schedule if you'd like to set the DVR:

01.29: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

01.31: The Today Show

02.01: Live with Regis and Kelly

02.05: TRL

02.06: The Early Show

02.07: Jimmy Kimmell Live

02.08: Larry King Live

Good thing McPhee's agent gets the whole "overexposure" concept. Also, Ms. McPhee tortures puppies. Best. Pic. Ever.

More News:

• Paris Bennet's debut album "Princess P." is in the works, and will feature Kevin Covais and Lisa Tucker. Kevin will be rapping. If that's not the first sign of the apocalypse, I don't know what is. (United Press International)



• Steven Thoen, the redhead in Seattle who sang "Bohemian Rhapsody," is apparently mildly mentally challenged. Says his pissed-off mother. Which makes that whole segment way less amusing, incidentally. ( West Central Tribune)

Poll Time

So the general consensus, as it applies to the mainstream media, is that the judges' assessments of the people auditioning is, in technical terms, way harsh. What do you think?

Are the Judges Too Mean This Season?
	Yes, they've gone from simply dashing hopes and dreams to making people suicidal.
	No. Someone has to tell these people they suck.
	Randy is.
	Randy and Paula are.
	Simon is.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

I Call Bullshit

That's right, folks. Every now and then, I see a contestant on American Idol who I think may be someone playing a character. Call me cynical, but I'm pretty sure the following contestants are full of shit:

Jonathan Jayne: Robust kid in the Hawaiian shirt


Nicholas Zitzmann: Awkward computer programmer

Kenneth Briggs: Bush baby

Darwin "Misha" Reedy and her "mother"

Seriously. Don't feel bad for any of these people. They are all improv comics who are hoping this character will get them on SNL. I have a theory, too, that the people that Simon really unleashes on are the people who he suspects are not who they claim to be.

Here's who you should feel bad for: Amy Salgado. AI has a formula for auditions. Only the hilariously bad and awesomely good get back stories. Don't trot out some chick with a kid and a crap husband and let her tell us her story in her own words, and CRY on camera, and then humiliate her after her bad audition. I mean, how is that not the cruelest thing ever?

See? I may be a cynic, but my heart isn't entirely black.

Links:

• Death by Camera does the leg work finding all the contestants' MySpace profiles so we don't have to. See them here.


• Television Without Pity's recaplet


• EW's recap

Newsbreak

Katharine "Tits" McPhee will star on "Lonelygirl15" Friday. Jess' head explodes from thinking too hard about fake reality vs. semi-fake reality vs. actual reality. We'll post the video, natch. (Pantagraph)

A buttload of people watched last night's premiere. 37.3 million, to be exact. That's even more than last year. And it breaks some kind of record or something. Dateline? Boston Legal? In yo face, suckas. (TV Week)

Sexy recappers whose American Idol wrap-ups I've been eagerly awaiting return: Michael Slezak from Entertainment Weekly and Joe R (and Jacob?) from Television Without Pity. Here's my favorite excerpt, from the TWoP recap:

Tashawn Moore is "dressed to impress" in a men's shirt and tie and is generally the most fantastic person on this entire show. She can't sing, nor can she remember any of the words to Prince's "Kiss," but she keeps snapping and shimmy-shaking and closing her eyes, picking out lyrics from the ether as she passes. She's utterly hysterical and cute and terrible, and it goes on forever and is totally worth it.

TMZ thinks Paula Abdul was downing whisky in her Coca-Cola cup (Sponsor alert! Product placement!) like there was no tomorrow to numb the pain of the performers. Can't say I blame her -- I did the same. (TMZ)

Diana Ross to share her special brand of batshit crazy with Idol hopefuls. Also, she's too busy to see Beyonce unconvincingly (so I've heard) try to emulate her in Dreamgirls (ABC-7 Chicago)

Premiere: The Sort-of Recap

Sheila, Mejack and Curly came over last night to drink wine, eat pizza, hummus, pita chips and girl scout cookies, and howl with laughter at the bad contestants. I took notes. Here they are. And is it me, or are the "good" singers so far not all that good?

Mejack on Jessica Rhode (Jewel wannabe, disturbing skirt): She sounds like Pee-Wee Herman.

Jessica Rhode on Jessica Rhode (after being told she would most definitely NOT be going to Hollywood): I'm like waiting for them to come out here and be like 'psyche!'

Jess and Sheila, respectively, on Jesse Holloway (black dude, mumbler):

DisTAAANCE?

It's abusive!

Mejack on Charles Moody: If that doesn't say methamphetamine, I don't know what does. He's a gay, Uncle Sam tweaker.

Sheila on Tashawn Moore (when she "tuned in" to the imaginary sound coming through her imaginary headphones): Sweetie, there's no other sound in the room.

Mejack and Curly, respectively, on Perla Meneses:

Randy, your dick's talking.

She's like Shakira and Charo's love child.

Sheila on Jarrod Fowler (Navy Guy): Hun, I think you're hot and I want your cock, is what's happening.

Sheila and Mejack, respectively, on Michelle Steingas:

I like her.

I don't like her belt.

Mejack on Dayna Dooley (black chick whose boss wants to bang her): Randy's got a boner.

Curly and Sheila, respectively on Matt Sato (little gay boy with unfortunate mole who sang "California Dreamin"):

Uh oh, what's on your nose?

DON'T sex this song up.

Me? I'm not funny so I just take notes. Actually no, I have one:

Jess on Josh Flom (Chris Daughtry wannabe): You're not a rocker, you're a PUSSY.

We counted three "dawgs" from Randy. I guess he's trying to exercise a little restraint this season. Simon? Awesome. Paula? Drunk. Jewel? Wait, Jewel was there? I didn't notice. Also, TVgasm has a full recap. YouTube is letting me down in a big way, though. I want video of the juggler real bad.

UPDATE: Death by Camera has something truly awesome. The rejects' MySpace profiles. Of course, I don't know what Mejack is going to do with her afternoon now, but still. Amazing. Via Gawker.

Newsbreak

In case you didn't know, American Idol 6 starts tomorrow. Are you ready? We're having ourselves a little premiere party. I'd invite y'all, but my apartment is really tiny. Anyway, hopefully this will tide you over until tomorrow:

MSNBC takes an "interactive" look at the American Idol numbers. It's not terribly interactive. They also have a "blog this" option, which I initially got excited for, until I realized that you have to be on MSN spaces in order to use it. Two strikes, MSNBC. Count 'em. (MSNBC)

ABC is a bunch of pussies afraid to put Dancing with the Stars up against Idol. (EARTHtimes.org: Yeah, I don't know either.)

Paula Abdul does NOT drink. Ever. It must be all the Vicodin, then. (FOX6 San Diego)

Set the DVR! (Fuck TiVo) Katharine McPhee will play herself on Ugly Betty on February 1st. Mejack and Mr. Mejack will be watching, no doubt. (RTE)

The bad singers who audition are not Randy Jackson's dawgs. (OC Register)

Wow

That's all I can say. Paula Abdul at KCPQ TV-13, the Fox affiliate in Seattle, talking about the auditions there, her magical pet monkey and how she's single-handedly going to bring peace to the Middle East. I mean, just, wow.

That's Just Crazytalk, Paula!

The thing that's so awesome about Paula Abdul is that, when she opens her mouth, words come out but they don't really work in sentence form. Like, I bet if I called her, she'd say, "Pumpkin unicorn hatchet?" instead of "Hello?" when she answered the phone. And oh, how we'd laugh and laugh! Only I'd be laughing at her, and she'd be laughing at that joke her goldfish told her about the rabbit who got a vasectomy last week.

Anyway, TMZ has a story today about how Paula feels that she would have gotten fired after the whole Corey Clark scandal had Simon Cowell not jumped in to save the day. Here's the part I just love:

"He was extremely distraught and protective and supportive of me when that happened," says Abdul. "There's the times when he's like a big brother – or a lover."

She says that like "brother" and "lover" are interchangeable. Which is it, Paula? You can read the rest here.

Mark Your Calendars

FOX has announced their schedule for the 6th season of American Idol. Are you excited? Can you contain yourselves? I actually can't, which makes me a bigger dork than I'd previously thought. Anyway, here are the dates you'll need to know.

• January 16th and 17th: Premiere (8:00-10:00 each night)



• January 23rd and 24th: Regular time slots begin (8:00 p.m. on Tuesday and 9:00 p.m. on Wednesday, Memphis and New York auditions)



• January 30th and 31st: Birmingham [Ed: Dear God, no more Alabama] and San Antonio auditions



• February 6th and 7th: L.A. auditions and some other "rest of the best" nonsense



• February 13th and 14th: Top 24 announced



• February 20th, 21st and 22nd: Y'all finally get to vote. Don't fuck it up. Also, the results show moves to Thursday and Tuesday and Wednesday focus on performances (one night for the ladies and one for the dudes), meaning that I will no longer have a life three nights out of the week instead of two.



• February 27th, 28th and March 1st: Top 20



• March 6th, 7th and 8th: Top 12 finalists



• March 13th and 14th: Back to your regularly scheduled programming

And that's all I got. When I have more, I'll of course pass it along to you.

An Announcement

(Spoken in my best Kellie Pickler voice)

Hey y'all! We done gone ahead and moved this here blog over to our very own domain. That's right! From now on, y'all can get yer 'Idol' fix by typing this here address into that... um... what d'ya call that thing up top? The bar where you put the addresses in? Huh. Color me stumped. Anyway, it's americanmidolblog.com. So if the two of y'all who have us bookmarked could update those... um... LINKS! Links, ha ha, y'all, I totally could not remember that word. Anyway, do that, if you'd be so inclined. Also, send any tips, hot gossip or hate mail to us at mail@americanmidolblog.com. Thank ya kindly!

News You Probably Can't Use

Not necessarily the news, but really, is there anything funnier than a Paula Abdul fug? Okay, a Britney fug, but Paula is a close second. (Go Fug Yourself)

Bucky Covington, also known in some circles as My Boyfriend, signs a deal with Lyric Street Records. Album comes out April 17, two days after my birthday. Totally planned. Thanks Bucky! Also, a sort-of-but-really interview with the man himself. His first single, "A Different World," will hit the country airwaves January 16th. ('American Idol' official site)

The 'American Idol' karaoke video game! 'Nuff said. (USA Today)

Ruben Studdard wants Alabama residents to quit being a bunch of fatasses. (The Birmingham News)

Review: Taylor Hicks' debut Taylor Hicks not all that and a bag of chips. Is anyone surprised? You know, besides the millions of retards who voted for him week after week? (Rocky Mountain News)

The Cure

No, I'm not talking about my all-time favorite band. I'm talking about hiccups. Specifically, those belonging to Kellie Pickler.


Says The Tennessean:

Kellie Pickler Loses Hockey Brawl

Country newcomer Kellie Pickler has discovered there's one competition more brutal than American Idol: pro hockey. After singing to Clemson and Kentucky fans at Legends on Friday, she attended her first hockey game Saturday and afterward joined Predators Jordin Tootoo and Scottie Upshall at the Tin Roof.

Told to do a handstand to cure her hiccups, she kicked up her red high heels over her head. A pretend hockey fight broke out and Kellie, 20, ended up at the bottom of the pile. The melee left a knot on her forehead that remains. At least she still has all of her teeth.

Google tells me that doing a handstand is, in fact, a cure for hiccups. But honestly, doesn't that seem like a lot of work when they'll probably just go away on their own? And I bet the conversation went like this:

Kellie: Y'all, I have hiccups!

My Hero: Do a handstand!

Kellie: All right!

My Hero (to friend): Dude, we're at a hockey game. I didn't think she'd really do it.

My Hero's Friend (shaking head): What a dumbass. Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

I go back and forth on whether or not I think Kellie Pickler is a genuine idiot, or an idiot solely for entertainment's sake. In this case, I'm going to go with the former.

Some other Idol-related news: Mandisa writing a book about food addiction. Read about it here.

Also, 13 Days! See the shiny new graphic that Curly made? It's over there -->

I Didn't Wait a Lifetime for a Moment Like This

I'm a little late to the game on the relatively new music the 'Idol' kids are putting out. Luckily, AOL Music has all sorts of tracks to listen to from Chris Daughtry and Katharine McPhee today. Here's what I think of them. Then, if you're as behind as I am, you can listen and decide for yourself.

Daughtry. I actually don't hate "Home," the first song. I do, however, think it sounds like every single power balled written between 1986 and 1992. But I was a fan of the power ballads. Hell, I even made a mix tape of them that I played Every. Single. Time. my high school boyfriend and I made out. I'm sure he loved that. The second song, which is his first single, "It's Not Over," bored me to tears. And then I had to stop listening. Chris Daughtry is pretty. I shouldn't find him so boring. I love little bald dudes. There's just, I don't know, something missing. Charisma? Personality? A chromosome? Hell if I know.

Now, onto McPhee. Now, I don't love her the way Curly does, and I don't hate her the way Mejack does. I'm more indifferent than anything else, although I think she has very pretty hair and I would kill to have her makeup person go at my face. I'm not really digging "Over It," which is the first single. It's a little… watered-down I guess is how I would describe it. I most definitely do not want to start shaking my ass at my desk at work. And that's a bad sign, because if you know me, you know I love to shake my ass at my desk at work. Ditto on "Each Other," and that's enough listening to crap for me this afternoon.

If I'm forcing myself to say something nice, I'll say this. Both of those songs could kick the ass of "A Moment Like This," and look at Kelly Clarkson now. Anything can happen.

Watch Chris Daughtry

Listen to Katharine McPhee

What do you think? Also, 14 Days!

The Final Countdown

Doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot…

(Hm, no one remembers that song by the 80s hair band Europe? Well, okay then.)

We are officially back from our semi-hiatus to start the countdown to Idol madness. Can you stand the suspense?

15 Days!

Now, let's get to the news, shall we?

Jennifer Hudson, who y'all couldn't be bothered to vote for but will still happily climb on the bandwagon now, to be honored by the Oklahoma Film Critics, which is probably not that big of a deal. I mean, Oklahoma? I didn't even know they had films there. (Playbill)

Everything you always wanted to know about Simon Cowell. Oh wait, no. That was the Rolling Stone interview. This is just less of the same. (Extra)

The predictions are in: Idol 6 ratings are going to suck ass. In related news, Midol bloggers wonder why the hell it took them five years to come up with the idea to blog about the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

Breaking! Simon Cowell makes a buttload of money. I initially typed "buttloaf" there, which is funny. (United Press International)

Audition Videos Galore! See the freaks who came out for their chance to be on the show. (American Idol Official Site)

Mostly-Daily News Brief

Okay, to all three of you that read this blog, (Totally kidding! It's four.) I'm going to try and do a daily news update because there is so much 'Idol' news and I know you need it bad. Without further ado…

Author sues Clay Aikin. Jess sues author for being a loser. Okay, not really, but who writes an "unauthorized biography" about CLAY AIKIN? It's worth mentioning that the book is called, "Out of the Blue: Clay if Forward." I couldn't make this shit up, people. (MSNBC)

Random House to publish Taylor Hicks' memoir. It never ends. I hope the editor takes out all the "Wooooos!" and the "Soul patrols!" and then punches him in the nuts. (ShortNews -- Yeah, I never heard of it, either)

Simon Fuller plans world domination, laughs maniacally. (L.A. Times)

'Idol' auditions kick off tomorrow. Stories from every hopeful's local newspaper to surely follow. (People)

'Idol' producers all sorts of pissed off about Fantasia's biopic, claiming some parts are false. Hey, Simon and Nigel, you have the most watched television show in the history of the world. It's a made-for-TV movie on fucking 'Lifetime.' A little perspective, please? (Celebrity Café)

Clay and Ruben both to release albums next month, cry themselves to sleep because they aren't Kelly Clarkson. (Baltimore Sun)

News, News and More News

Put your reading glasses on, folks, it's going to be a long one…

Kellie Pickler signs with 19 Recordings/BNA, follows through on diabolical plan to publicly annoy Jess for all eternity. (WebWire)

Katharine McPhee co-produces play for the New York Fringe Festival. Jess and Curly buy tickets. Mejack mocks them. In other news, one shouldn't play sick to get out of an 'Idol' tour and expect that no one will notice they're co-producing a play. Just sayin'. (Playbill)

It's a good thing our economy is so stable and we have no wars to worry about, otherwise how would our president ever have time to hang out with the 'Idol' finalists? (USA Today)

Does anyone else think it's weird to play yourself in a movie about yourself? Fantasia Barrino doesn't, obviously. Personally, when Lifetime makes a movie about my life, I'm hoping for Kellie Martin. But that may just be me. (Hartford Courant)

An interview with Bo Bice. Apparently, you don't have to be a fucking potty mouth to throw a kickass rock n' roll show. (The Sun News)

Taylor Hicks visits sick woman. Jess refrains from making any jokes about Taylorepsy or what it means when Taylor Hicks is the person someone most wants to meet. (13 WHAM-TV)

Katharine McPhee will also brave illness to co-host 'The View' on Thursday. DVR that shit, Curly! (Reality TV Magazine)

Cingular Wireless had a hell of a fourth quarter thanks to 'Idol.' If you're into that sort of boring financial stuff (nerd), you can read the whole release, which comes to us courtesy of The Captain, our PR Whiz. For the rest of you slackers and illiterates, here's the important part:

Cingular shattered its own record for wireless text messaging during the fifth season of "American Idol." The company recorded more than 64.5 million text messages throughout the show's most recent season, breaking last year's record of 41.5 million text messages.

Hey Hey, Ho Ho. That Kellie Pickler's GOT TO GO

As y'all probably know, 'The View' has been rotating in co-hosts since the departure of Star "The Ultimate Beast" Jones. Some of them are rumored to be auditions, as in the case of Brandy. Some, as in the former Brenda Walsh, not so much. Yesterday, that co-host was Kellie Pickler. Let's hope hers wasn't an audition. I didn't watch it, and You Tube is letting me down in a big way so I have no clips for you. Rosie O'Donnell, apparently, loves the Pickler. In fact, she even wrote a poem about it:

THAT KID
TODAY ON THE VIEW
PERFECTION!!!
TRIPLE LOVE HER

Via r blog.

And just for shits and giggles, there's the Pickler in her prom dress. Whore.

Wouldn't You Like to be an 'Idol' Too?

Of course you would. Which is why you should get yourself to an audition, post-haste. Me, I'm too old to be an 'American Idol,' what with the fact that I'm pushing 80 and all, so I can't wow you with the voice once likened to a stoned 12-year-old boy. Don't cry for me, America, because I'm going to the Idols Live Tour this Sunday! Me, Bucky and a couple of Colt 45s -- who knows what will happen?

Get thee to an audition!

And now, some news:

Chris Daughtry signs with 19 Recordings/RCA Records. America says, "Duh." Fuel shakes their collective fist at the heavens. Special thanks to our PR whiz for the tidbit, which we actually got days ago, or rather I did, and was too lazy to post. (PR Newswire)

Kelly Clarkson denies reports that she's about to lose a spokesperson deal with Vitamin Water because she's a big fatty. In other news, Kelly Clarkson is not, in fact, a big fatty. She does, however, dress herself like a fruitcake. (Some random site plus the almighty Fug)

Grandpa Pickler has a heart attack. For once, Jess refrains from making joke, because Clyde Pickler is quite possibly the sweetest man alive. (AP)

Regrading next season, TMZ has the following:

Meanwhile, "Idol" executive producer Nigel Lythgoe says that he's already working on getting Carole King and (oh dear) Andrew Lloyd Webber to appear as mentors to the next group of Idol finalists.

Because apparently, everyone else they wanted to get is actually dead.

'So You Think You Can Dance': The Recap

Hi, I'm Dan Karaty. I'm short. Because I'm bitter about my small stature, I'm going to just openly hate on everyone for no good reason

Someone was in a wee bad mood last night. The man, not the mood. Here's a tip, Dan. If Nigel loved it and Mary Murphy screamed like a banshee, and you hated it, you're probably wrong. Can we just be done with Dan and put Cicely and Olisa in permanent rotation?

Some things I loved about last night that Mejack is sure to disagree with. I adore Heidi. I want her to sleep over my house, and I want to drink lots of Jolt and paint each other's toenails and look up ex-boyfriends on Myspace and make fun of their new girlfriends. She unleashed her inner funky white girl, and brought it last night. Also, I thoroughly enjoyed Brian Friedman's creepy doll routine. I thought Ashlee and Dmitry did a spectacular job with it, too. That's right, Dan Karaty. Suck it.

I really need to start watching the show in real time and not later on DVR. I watch it right smack in the middle of voting, and I seriously vote for everyone. I had to vote for Benji and Donyelle three times to make up for the fact that I voted for everyone else once. Ivan and Allison got two votes. In fact, the only people I didn't vote for last night are Jessica and Jaymz. Jessica, incidentally, bears more than your passing resemblance to Stephanie Klein, don't you think?

Predictions? I think Jessica and Jaymz are both going home tonight. Not that they're not good dancers, because they are. But they're a little lacking in the personality department. Or maybe they just got the Melissa McGhee treatment. I'm still bitter about Melissa McGhee, to tell you the truth. Homegirl got shafted on camera time. My other two couple predictions for the bottom three: Heidi and Ryan and Martha and Travis. That's right. I said Martha and Travis. Think I'm wrong? I'm never wrong. Okay, I'm often wrong, and I may even be wrong about this, but who knows? Watch and see.

My top two favorite dancers right now? Benji and Allison. But if Musa and Dmitry want to tag team me, and by tag team me I mean have lots of sex with me at the same time, in case you thought I was talking about touch football or some shit, then I'll gladly change my vote.

Some Thought On Heidi Groskreutz from 'So You Think You Can Dance'

Mejack: I hate Heidi

Jess: Which one is she? The one who looks like Reese Witherspoon's younger sister?

Mejack: YES!

Jess: Oh, I love her.

Mejack: SHE'S SCARY.

Jess: I think she's sassy.

Mejack: I think she eats babies.

A Request for the 'So You Think You Can Dance' Producers

Dear 'So You Think You Can Dance' Producers:

I know we're kind of late in the season to make a new rule, but if y'all could make one that requires Musa to have his shirt off at all times, I'd be much obliged. But JUST Musa. Don't make me look at like, Ben, sans shirt, okay? Oh, and maybe Musa's pants, too. Oh, what the hell. Throw in the underpants and socks, too. But leave the underpants if you think the FCC might have a problem with it. And if he could maybe do all of his dancing in my bed, that would be fantastic. Thanks in advance!

Love,
Jess

You Can Dance if You Want To

Hey kids! We've decided that, in addition to 'Idol'-related news, and the much-anticipated review of the 'Idols Live Tour,' we're going to post about 'So You Think You Can Dance.' Not as often, or as obsessively as 'Idol,' mind you, but here's hopeing it will fill the void. For all of us.

Updates

Chris Daughtry returns home to McLeansville, doesn't act like a douche for once (Charlotte Observer)

Daughtry also turns down Fuel, mistakenly believes he can do better (People Magazine)

Carrie Underwood is country's new "It" girl, Jesus heaves big sigh of relief and says he's finally "taking some fucking time off to relax." (Tennessean)

Thanks to Taylor Hicks, grey is the new blonde. Barf. (The Enquirer)

Taylor twitches and tards it up for Wal-Mart shareholders (Wal-Mart Official Site)

TomKat asks Tits McPhee to sing at wedding. Jess shudders. (Dose)

'Idol' Rage

There are a lot of things my mom and I don't agree on -- sushi, death metal and Kellie Pickler, par example. And my mom and I discussed 'Idol' at great length this season. She didn't understand my love for Bucky. I didn't understand how she could think Ace was "just so cute." The arguments got a little heated, but we never came to blows.

Not true for 24-year-old Cory K. Favreau from Plattsburgh, NY (upstate represent!), who was so incensed by his mother's claim that Katherine McPhee would have a successful career despite her 'Idol' loss that he got violent. I know it's totally wrong to laugh at some dude beating his moms, but honestly. Here's how it went down, according to the Plattsburgh Press Republican:

Favreau allegedly stood up, made a malicious comment to his mother and struck her in the head with a sharpened, cross-shaped object attached to a bicycle chain.

Upstate New Yorkers don't buy their weapons, see, they make them. Y'all should have seen the slingshot I made in third grade that launched flesh-eating caterpillars. You can read the rest of the article here, and you can also pop on over to TMZ to see what an 'Idol'-lovin' Mom beater looks like.

I blame Taylor Hicks and his Soul Patrol for this malarkey.

Kill Me Now

TMZ is reporting many, many things about tonight's show that make me want to vomit up everything I've eaten in the past fifteen years. Among them:

• Songs by Burt Bacharach


• Dionne Warwick performing 'That's What Friends Are For'


• Kevin Covais singing 'What's New Pussycat'


• Clay Aiken performing

You can read the rest here. I'd hold off if you're eating, though.

Singing in the Shower

It looks like my Hitachi Magic Wand, but it's actually something entirely different. It's the American Idol Microphone Shower Radio, "a battery-operated AM/FM shower radio that has the appearance and shape of a real microphone and features the trademark American Idol logo." As far as the idea goes, I think it's genius. The actual product? Not so much. Here's how it works:

Consumers can use the shower radio to tune in to their favorite radio station, pick up the microphone and sing along with the songs - all during their shower or any other activity around the home.

So basically, what they're giving me is the equivalent of a waterproof boom box. Why doesn't it have karaoke versions of songs to sing along with? Why doesn't it play the music of one Barry Manilow? Why does it have such a long, boring name? And most importantly, why wasn't I consulted on the product development? Mark Feldstein, next time you decide to create an 'Idol'-themed product, call me, k?

All Out of Love

I'm not going to lie, I wept like a little girl who just spilled grape juice on her pink ruffled dress when Elliott got the boot. And when he went back home to Virginia, back when I already knew he was going to get the boot. He will be missed, by me anyway. Especially now that I no longer care who wins. Okay, if I'm being really honest, I haven't cared since Bucky had a bad day. That's right. BUCKY. You got a problem with that?

Anyway, back to Elliott. I'm not saying he's gay or anything, but have you noticed that Elliott seems to be at his most joyous and full of life when he'd cradled in Ryan Seacrest's arms? And if Elliott's tinier than Seacrest, then how small is he? Quite a Lilliputian crew of male contestants this season, if you ask me.

Anyway, bring on the finale. Bring on the Paula crazy. Bring on the Tits McPhee oversinging. Bring on the Taylor retard dance. And when it's all over, know that we, your American Midol contributors, will not go anywhere. We'll still be here, telling you which WB show Lisa Tucker will be guest-starring on, and which cookie-cutter rock band Chris Daughtry joins, and what special and wonderful magical things Boyfriend Bucky does. Hell, every little thing he does is magic.

The Stars Predict...

Astrologer Jeff Jawer makes his predictions for 'Idol,' based on how the planets are going to be aligned and whatnot that night. Scoff all you want, but homeboy's been right every year so far. See what he says. I'll give you a hint. It's not Elliott. Shocked?

Poll Time

Who should have gone home this week?
	Chris Daughtry
	Elliott Yamin
	Taylor Kicks
	Katharine McPhee
Free polls from Pollhost.com