Results Recap

This year's finale was even more cobbled-together-variety-show-by-insane-people than it usually is, which I enjoyed a great deal.

Ryan opened the show by lying to us yet again and trying to convince us that it was the best season ever. The rating say otherwise, Seacrest. The vote breakdown was 56%/44%, and naturally I assume wee David Archuleta spanked David Cook with his screaming cult of 12-year-old girls.

Then he greets the judges. Randy's dressed like the doorman at the Willy Wonka hotel, in a red jacket with large white piping and checkered ascot. A tribute to Michael Johns, perhaps? Simon's chest is exposed, natch, and it's very red and very shiny. Hot wax treatment? I shuddered a little typing that.

They've lined up some ex-contestants to cover the rallies in the Davids' hometowns; Mikalah Gordon from season four in Kansas City and season three's Matthew Rogers in Salt Lake City. I am not even exagerating a little bit when I tell you that they are the two most annoying people ever to walk the earth. I tend to think America doesn't often get it right when they're given an opportunity to vote on something, but I thank my lucky stars they sent those two tools packing when they did.

I'm not going to recap any of the group sings, because it all sounds like It's a Sunshine Day to me. I will point out some highlights, though. Final 12 from last season's So You Think You Can Dance? Awesome. Amanda Overmyer trying to sing anything? The second she opened her mouth to sing, the boyfriend said, "What is that?!" and then giggled every single time she opened her mouth for the entire show. Why did Amanda even show up? I did totally groove to "Freedom," though, because I fucking LOVE that song.

I also won't be recapping The Love Guru bullshit. In fact, I'm calling FOX today and demanding to be reimbursed for that five minutes of my life. I think six zeroes should do it.

Celebrities in the audience: Holly Robinson Peete, Janice Dickenson, Joel McHale and a whole bunch of past contestants including Melinda Doolittle, Bo Bice and Justin Guarini.

Celebrities on stage in run-on fashion: Seal, with Syesha, Donna Summer, with Syesha, Jimmy Kimmel, Bryan Adams, looking exactly how you'd expect him to look after not seeing him for thirty years, ZZ Top, with David Cook, Graham Nash, with Brooke White, the chaste Jonas Brothers, who I had never, ever seen before the show, One Republic, with David Archuleta, Jordin Sparks, in the least flattering dress ever made (seriously, if a dress makes your calves look fat, you need to fire your stylist), Jack Black, Ben Stiller, and Robert Downey Jr. singing backup for Fake Gladys Knight and it's not funny AT ALL, and George Michael, bespectacled and mumbly.

The Ford commercial is nothing more than a clip show set to the tune of "Let the Good Times Roll." I hate clip shows. Very lazy.

No Golden Idols this year, thank God, but we do get a performance from Renaldo Lapuz, reprising his mega-hit "I Am Your Brother," complete with a marching band and cheerleaders, and then later, Paula and Randy join him on stage and bop around uncomfortably. It's funny for about 30 seconds, and then my ears start to bleed, which really decreases my enjoyment factor.

Carrie Underwood, you guys. I mean, what?! She was wearing a suit jacket with sleeves that came down to the floor, and no pants. I mean, what?! How do you even reconcile that in your head? It's like she had pants on at one point, and then decided to cut them at the crotch and glue them to her sleeves. The thing is, Carrie Underwood seems so normal. If Dolly showed up in that, I wouldn't even blink. But I continue to be just flummoxed by the insane shit Carrie Underwood wears on stage. And now the song. Kids, let this be a lesson to you. This is what happens when you don't let Jesus take the wheel:

Last night I got served a little too much of that poison baby
Last night I did things I'm not proud of
And I got a little crazy
Last night I met a guy on the dance floor
And I let him call me baby

And I don't even know his last name
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know his last name

We left the club right around three o'clock in the morning
His Pinto sitting there in the parking lot Well it should have been a warning
I had no clue what I was getting into
So I blame it on the Cuervo
Oh where did my manners go?

And I don't even know his last name
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know his last name
Here we go...

Today I woke up thinkin' about Elvis somewhere in Vegas
I'm not sure how I got here
Or how this ring on my left hand just appeared out of nowhere
I gotta go
I take the chips and the Pinto and hit the road
They say what happens here stays here
All of this will disappear
There's just one little problem...

I don't even know my last name
Oh my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

What have I done
What have I done
What have I done
Oh, what have I done
I don't even know my last name

It turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

Carrie Underwood is a whore, yo. Results, time, FINALLY. Simon apologizes to David Cook for being hard on him, and David Cook looks so unbelievably pissed, because he's thinking that Simon totally fucked him with his criticism and Archuleta's going to win. But... it's David Cook! By 12 million votes! 98 million total!

So here's where I make my startling admission, y'all. I was touched when he won. He cried. And then he sang his crappy, awful single, "The Time of My Life," which has nothing whatsoever to do with putting baby in a corner, and he's grinning from ear to ear, and he's singing the cheesy lyrics like he really believes them, and I'll admit it: It got me righthere.

"I'm going to make a prediction," I said to the boyfriend. "David Cook is going to be more famous than Daughtry." He's skeptical, but really, just happy that the show is over and wondering why he agreed to watch it with me in the first place.

So that's it. The season was boring and made me want to stab myself in the eye, Jason Castro made my loins tingle, and the last five minutes of the finale warmed my cold, dead heart. I still fucking hate David Cook, though. Sort of.

Top 4: Recap

Four folks left. Three have been number one in votes. Competition is closer than ever. YOU MUST VOTE! This… is… American… Idol.

Randy Jackson bedazzled his hoodie for the show. Paula Abdul came straight from her cameo in the Saturday Night Fever remake and Simon Cowell, well, looks like Simon Cowell. Ryan Seacrest's faux-haux isn't as symmetrical as I'd like.

In the audience tonight:

• Luke Menard, looking adorable and geeky.
• Jamie Lynn-Sigler, looking like one of The Real Housewives of New York City
• Carly Smithson
• Rascal Flatts, who I thought was just one dude for the longest time

It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame week. We're treated to a long montage of the history of rock n' roll set to Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Night." Each contestant will sing two songs each, and the judges will critique after each performance, which Ryan explains while making a subtle dig at Paula for last week's drunken faux-pas.

David Cook

First up, "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, which came out in 1982, the year he was born. Imagine if you will a Duran Duran song getting the David Cook treatment. Any song, really. That's exactly what it was. Yawn. Paula was out of her chair dancing like a groupie on Rock of Love the whole time. Randy thought it was just okay, solid but not mad hot. The audience boos him angrily. Paula says that it left her with a big appetite. Get it? Also, ew. Then she said something about watching him grow and flourish when he does the EXACT SAME THING every week. Shut up, Paula. Simon thought it was good, but a little bit copycat. Simon then goes on to say that David didn't do what he's done in previous weeks which was to take the song and make it his own. Actually, that's exactly what he did. In previous weeks, he took someone else's song and PASSED IT OFF as his own. Simon says he'll get through to next week.

His second song was The Who's "Baba O'Riley." Now, I love this song. It's one of my top songs ever. When it started, my first thought was, "Fuck, this is really good." Then it got really bad. Then it got really good. By the time it was over, I didn't know what to think. Randy loved it. Paula wants more of David Cook, preferably with exposed penis. Simon welcomed him back.

Final thoughts: Safe.

Syesha Mercado

First up, "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. I thought she rocked it. It was sexy, fun and she sounded great. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a bad, shrieky version of Tina Turner. I just want to know what kind of arm workout she does.

Her second song was "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke. She sang her heart out. I thought it was great. I also never noticed how ginormous her boobs are before tonight. Randy didn't like the arrangement and thought she oversang it. Paula loved it, and welcomed Syesha to her dream, which made her start bawling. Simon loved it, which made Syesha cry some more, and then Paula turned on the waterworks. Then Syesha? Compared her reality show experience to the civil rights movement? Huh?

Final thoughts: Bottom two, but ultimately safe.

Jason Castro

First up, "I Shot the Sheriff" by Bob Marley. Which is just so… obvious that I can't even support it. You know his friends back home are sitting around a four-foot bong watching FOX and saying, "Dude! Castro is, like, totally singing Bob Marley! No way! He he! Awesome!" It wasn't very good. Randy thought it was karaoke. Paula wasn't crazy about it. Simon thought it was utterly atrocious, and compared it to a first-round audition massacre. He asked Jason what he was thinking. The answer? "Bob Marley!" (And weed)

For his second song, Jason attempted "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. And lest you think he isn't stoned all the time, he forgot the words and thought it was hilarious. I really wish Jason would let me pick his songs for him. He'd be all, "I want to do some Dylan" and I'd be all, "Splendid! Here's 'Just Like a Woman!' Now go forth and rock!" And he would. Randy said he wasn't in the zone. Paula said it didn't blow her away, but he blows her away, and if given the chance, she'd blow… oh, never mind. Too easy. Simon tells him to pack his suitcase.

Final thoughts: I voted for him several times, because I'm not ready to stop mooning over him. And he's the new Vote for the Worst pick, so he might eek out a win over Syesha, but I think I'll be saying goodbye to my dreadlocked lover.

David Archuleta

First up, "Stand By Me" Ben E. King. It was great. The crowd loved him. The judges loved him. Is there any way the kid isn't going to win the whole thing? I'm thinking no. Also, Ryan always manhandles David like an awkward father who doesn't know how to show love. Although David would probably prefer that to the beast that is Jeff Archuleta, I'm guessing.

For his second song, David sang Elvis Presley's "Love Me Tender," causing 12-year-old girls across the country to spontaneously hit puberty like all the potential slayers on the last episode of Buffy, only in this case, it isn't to save the world from evil -- it's so that David Archuleta may oneday spread his seed. If anyone wants to start another LDS polygamist sect, I think we've found a new leader. And people talk about the Obama cult. Randy loved how he was tender and caressed each word. Really. He said that. Gross as hell, right? Paula said it was one of her all-time favorite performances of his. Simon said he crushed the competition.

Final thoughts: Duh.

Paula, Paula, Paula

Recap's a-comin' folks but for now, I thought I'd resurrect one of last season's weekly features on American Midol: The Paula Abdul Insanity Index.

Girlfriend more than earned this cheeky repeat last night when she critiqued Jason Castro's second song... before he even sang it. She looked beyond befuddled as Randy and Simon tried to steer her back into the land of sanity. That was an exercise in futility, boys.

So I'm giving Paula a 9 this week. She deserved a 10 but, well, I don't have the Photoshop file here at work so I'm recycling an image from last year. How very green of me!

More to come!

Recap: Unexpected Song[s]

That title is for you theater geeks up in the hizzy. Song and Dance, represent!

Ahem. So last night was Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol, something I had dreaded even more than Mariah's appearance. I'm soundly in the Stephen Sondheim camp, you see. Sir Andrew is a right wanker, yo.

While I was totally expecting some of the contestants to tank, I will admit that many of them surprised me with their song choices. No one performed what I expected. For example, I thought for sure that Brooke White would tackle "Memory" and that David Cook would unleash the screamy on something from Jesus Christ, Superstar whereas David Archuleta would serve up some extra cheese via Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Syesha defied my Evita expectations and Jason Castro... oh, Jason Castro... why didn't he tackle something light like "Any Dream Will Do"? I think he would have done a great job with it. Instead, he took on a song that requires a serious belt and, you know, a vagina. Although, his "I didn't know it was sung by a cat" exclamation elicited an actual guffaw from yours truly. Priceless.

Poor Brooke White took yet another header off her once-comfy perch. She is just losing it. Even Paula was without sympathy and, for several seconds, speech. But then after a long pause, Paula returned to form with incoherent babble and she was all, "You need to make shit up when you forget the lyrics!" Really, do we want to use this woman as a model of what to do when put on the spot in front of millions?

Seriously though? Does anyone think it's wise to follow Paula's advice to just say "what's in your heart" when words fail? She does that shit week in and week out and look how well THAT'S worked out for her. Shut up, Paula. Just shut up.

Uh, what else? Oh right, celebs in the audience! Just like Jess, I spotted Paul Stanley but, unlike Jess, I thought he looked more like Mercedes Ruehl than Joan Rivers. Either way, his appearance is alarming. I dare say the KISS Army had a few defectors after that quick pan o' the camera.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Brooke White, Jason Castro, Syesha Mercado
Going Home: I don't agree with this but it might just be Syesha because of the one-two punch of Vote for the Worst and the sympathy vote for Brooke.

Top 6 Recap

Happy Earth Day, people! To celebrate, Idol will be using green power at the finale. Baby steps, right?

It's Andrew Lloyd Webber week. Jesus. Why is Idol doing this to us? It's like Beatles II: Electric Boogaloo times six thousand.

Syesha Mercado is doing "One Rock N' Roll Too Many," and I hate this show for making me have to look up every goddamn song. I'm not a big musical theater person, you see. How about a little chyron in the lower left hand corner, eh? This show is going to take me all night to recap. Aaaaanyway, Google tells me the song is from Starlight Express. Apparently, Syesha has a personality! Who knew? It was pretty great, actually, sultry and fun and on point. Randy thinks it's her best performance. Paula thinks she brought the house down, Simon thought it was sexy, and agreed with Randy. Everyone realized all at once, including me, that "Oh! So THIS is what Syesha is all about!" Broadway, not Billboard. And that's okay. She'll probably land a gig as soon as she gets booted, if her contract allows it.

Meatloaf is doing AT&T commercials, people. That is all.

Jason Castro is looking adorably dorky in an off-white suit. He has no idea who Andrew Lloyd Webber is, of course. I bet he knows who Bob Marley is, though. He's singing "Memories" from Cats, which is kind of hilarious. It's not very good, and believe you me, it PAINS me to say that. Randy thought it was a trainwreck. Paula thought it showcased his "unique being" and then babbled a lot because she's drunk. Simon deemed it the longest two minutes of his life, and compared him to a little boy being forced to sing at a wedding by his parents. Jason doesn't care -- he's got a four-foot bong back at the house and he's already on the tour.

I take back everything I ever said about Ryan's sexual orientation. He wants to bang old ladies. There. I figured him out. He has mountains of granny porn stashed in his house.

Brooke White is up. She's singing "You Must Love Me" from the Evita movie. She fucked up the lyrics in the beginning and asked to start again. Only the last time she had to start over, she was still awesome, and now she's just broken beyond repair, and there's no coming back from it this time. I actually hope she goes home soon. Not because I don't like her, because I do, but because I think if she spends any more time there, she's going to lose her shit in a big, not-at-all-fun, way. She's boring and not very good. Randy thought it wasn't so good. Paula thought the stopping and starting over was a major mistake. Simon thought it was uncomfortable. Brooke looks like she's ready to go backstage, drink a bottle of Southern Comfort, go down on David Cook and then collapse in a pile of tears and vomit.

David Archuleta is mauled by pre-teen girls. He's singing some lady song from Phantom of the Opera. "Think of Me." I don't know the original, but this sounds like 6th grade dance pop schmaltz. This show is never going to end, is it? Randy liked the runs, obviously. Fucking Randy and his runs. Paula thought it was perfect. Simon thought it was weak. Word, Simon.

Paul Stanley is in the audience, looking like Joan Rivers. Awesome.

Carly Smithson wanted to sing "All I Ask of You" from Phantom and ALW was like "Rubbish! Sing another song!" So she went with "Jesus Christ Superstar." She is wearing a kickass dress that I am coveting, hard. She sounds awesome, as always, and she's looking better every week. Randy thought it was good, but not her best performance. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty in the middle, but one of his favorite performances of the night. She has a T-shirt that says "Simon Loves Me (this week)" which is kind of hilarious and charming.

On a side note, I have an entire box of chocolates in my freezer and a raging case of PMS. I'm really worried about what's going to happen tonight.

On another side note, So You Think You Can Dance premieres May 22nd, and I'm literally beside myself with glee. Seriously, I just looked over and there I was. Gleeful.

David Cook is singing "Music of the Night" from Phantom, and ALW tells him he has to be sensual and sultry. And then they role-play a bit, and it's uncomfortable for everyone involved. I'm watching it, and I can feel David Cook trying to pork me through the TV, and I don't like it one bit. Stop trying to pork me with your sensual eyes, David Cook! I knew "sensual" was going to translate into "camera fucking." Randy thought it was an amazing performance. Paula thinks it proved he was well-rounded. Simon didn't like it because David didn't find a generic rock band's cover of it on iTunes to rip off.

Wow, Jason Castro sounds so much better in the rehearsal clip at the end than he did in his performance. Y'all knew those wrap-up clips are from rehearsals, right? Live show, not enough time to edit, and all that jazz?

Bottom three: Jason Castro, Brooke White and Syesha Mercado
Going home: Syesha Mercado

Just to clarify: I don't think Syesha is bad. However, people like me want to look at Jason's sweet, adorable face for as long as humanly possible, and Brooke is the new queen of Vote for the Worst, so I'm predicting Syesha by the process of elimination. Is it weird that I kind of miss Kristy Lee Cook?

Here's Brooke messing up if you missed it:

Results Recap

The good news is, I'm all done with culinary school hell and will actually have the time and energy to post on a regular basis! The bad news is, one of these youngsters has to pack up his or her dreams and head back from whence they came.

But first there's something important we need to discuss. What is that monstrosity around Paula Abdul's neck? It looks like a flower bouquet ate and then threw up 12 diamond necklaces.

Mariah medley time. It sounds like a middle school choir performance. Everyone is pretty terrible, and it sounds like seven different songs are being sung at the same time. Ugh.

Secret boyfriend alert! Ryan knows that Simon has a grass skirt.

The kids are divided into groups, which I know because my mom called me all frantic that David Cook might be in the bottom three. Jason Castro is the first member of the group on Ryan's left. I'll call them Team Sexy. David Cook is the first member of the group on Ryan's right, which I'll be calling Team Smarmy. I have to give props to David for not playing the sick brother card. Didn't even mention it despite Ryan's prodding.

Carly Smithson joins Jason's team, forcing me to rename it. It's now Team Less Sexy. Kristy Lee rounds out Team Less Smarmy.

Ford Fusion time. "I Want to Break Free" by Queen is the song. Apparently, if you work in an office, you're a puppet, and the only thing that can save you is a ride in your Ford Fusion. No, really. I didn't make that up.

Oh, Elliott Yamin. You were my favorite underdog ever, and yet I just don't care anymore. I don't know what happened, honestly. Aw! He has "We Miss You Mom" written on his hand. That touches me. I care again. Well, I don't want to listen to him sing again, but I do care.

Syesha Mercado joins Team Less Sexy, bringing the sexy back. Brooke White joins Team Less Smarmy, making it Team Blond. Am I losing you? Let me recap:

Team Sexy: Jason, Carly and Syesha
Team Blond: David Cook, Kristy, Brooke

I know that Carly isn't particularly sexy and David Cook isn't particularly blond, but I'm going with the law of averages here, people. Try to keep up. Which team with David Archuleta join? My guess is, the one in which everyone is safe, and I have no fucking clue which one that is at this point.

Call-in question time! I hate this segment so, so much. Joan, age 23, Vegas wants to ask Kristy if she ever got back the horse she sold to get to the audition. The answer is no, and Ryan asks the dude to not be such a douchebag and sell the damn horse back already. Jillian from Maine wants to know what the first record each judge owned was. Randy's was either Led Zeppelin, Beatles or James Brown. Paula's three, because she forgot that the question only asked for one, because OxyCodone hurts your short-term memory, were Jackson Five, Earth, Wind and Fire and Carole King. Simon's was Paula Abdul. Megan, age 15, Jersey, wants to know which of Paula's songs best describes her relationship with Simon. Megan is "the" Megan from Paula's reality show, which I don't know what that means but suddenly everyone is uncomfortable. Paula does some wacky wordplay with song titles and then says "applesauce" a bunch of times while standing on her head and rubbing her stomach. I don't fucking know. And this is the point where I tune out and start asking and answering my own questions.

Jess wants to know how Simon keeps his nipples erect all the time. Simon says, "ice cube bra." Jess also wants to know why Carly allows herself to be dressed in the most unflattering manor ever. Carly asks, "What do you mean?" Jess really, really wants to know if she can see Jason Castro naked. Jason says, "I thought you'd never ask, Sexy Mama!" That's right, baby. Come to Mama…

Mariah time, which in my house means "fast-forward time." Team Sexy and Team Blond are back up on the stage. Ryan summons The Archuleta, Decider of Fortunes. David Archuleta is safe, and in a twist of fate, David Cook and Syesha trade places! David Archuleta gets to pick which group he thinks is safe, but he sits on the floor instead. Team Sexy, which is no longer Sexy at all, is safe and he joins him.

Bottom three: Kristy, Brooke and Syesha. Syesha is… SAFE! Brooke is… SAFE! Kristy Lee Cook is OUT! IN YOUR FACE VOTE FOR THE WORST! She sings out by serenading Simon from her perch on the judges' table. She sounds really rough, but she gets a pass because she was crying five seconds ago. My guess is VFTW is going to pick either Brooke or Jason next. What do you think?

Top 8 Recap

Three nights of Idol this week, peanuts. I know, I'm crying, too.

The theme is inspirational songs, because it's Idol Gives Back week. Just hearing those words come out of Ryan Seacrest's mouth brings back my debilitating migraine from this morning.

Michael Johns is up first, and he's wearing another cravat, and singing Aerosmith's "Dream On," because he came to this country with a dream. Has he always done that frown thing while he sings? It's very distracting. Seriously, who said to him, "You know what would be a totally badass signature look for you? Cravat." The arrangement of this is super weird for me. Not digging it. The high notes are awful. Randy thought it was pitchy, and gets booed by six million cravat lovers. Paula's boobs want out of that constricting sparkly dress, stat. She loved it, because she wants to bone him while he wears his cravat, and it doesn't matter what comes out of his mouth. Simon liked it more than I did, but he doesn't like it when Michael pretends to be a rock star.

"I don't actually have any Chihuahuas, Ryan."

"Take a tight shot and you'll see."

What does that even mean?! Why is Paula getting jokes that I'm not, when she's barely conscious?

Syesha Mercado is up next, and she misses Ramiele, her roommate until last week. She's singing "I Believe" by Fantasia, because she believes, and already I know this is a mistake. She sounds good, but I don't know this song so I have nothing to compare it to. I find her very talented, but she still bores me to tears. Randy thought that she didn't connect with the song the way Fantasia does. Paula thought she made it her own, and loved it. Simon thought she sang it well, but it lacked emotion. He wants her to find her own voice, instead of biting off of other talented singers. WORD.

Jason Castro is singing a version of "Over the Rainbow" by some guy with a ukulele, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I know this version, actually, and I love Jason singing it. And if he were to sing it to me naked in bed in the glow of post-coital bliss, I would love it even more. Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon loved it. I've got such a lady hard-on for that boy.

Kristy Lee Cook is singing "Anyway," by Martina McBride, and it's about pouring out your soul whether people want to put you in the bottom three every week or not. She actually sounds pretty good. I can't even hate on this. Randy thought it was pitchy, but liked it. Paula thought it was her best by far. Eric McCormack is there! Simon thought it was very good, indeed, and that she looked like a star, which, it was good, but that's going a bit far.

Some dude is sitting on Simon's lap, Mike Donell from FOX who Ryan says, "Hired us all."

David Cook is singing "Innocent" from his favorite band, Our Lady Peace. Favorite? Really? Something about everyone having a good heart at the end of the day. He's wearing a white drum major jacket, and I'm a little mad at him for that. It's not his best, but I'm joining Melissa in no longer having the ability to hate David Cook, and it fucking pains me. Randy doesn't think it was his best, either. Paula thinks he's the whole package. Simon thought it was pompous, and he also hated the jacket. Mimi Rodgers does not agree. David looks super-bummed, and I almost feel bad for him.

Carly Smithson is singing, "The Show Must Go On" by Queen, because the show is going on. She sounds perfect, of course, because she always sounds perfect. I covet her earrings. Randy thought it was good, then pitchy, then just okay. Paula didn't feel the connection. Simon likes her pants, but he hated the song choice and thought she oversang it and lost control of it, and it ended up being angry. He thinks she's in trouble.

David Archuleta had a hard time picking a song because everything inspires him. He's singing "Angels" by Robbie Williams, because there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. He's awesome, naturally. I actually really like this song. Randy loved the runs, because nothing gets Randy hotter than runs. Paula thought it was fantastic. Simon thought it was the best song choice of the night, but he thought it was a bit nasally. Some little girl has a sign for David that says, "Lick Those Lips!" which is just the creepiest thing ever.

Brooke White is singing "You've Got a Friend," the Carole King version, because like everything else, it makes her happy. I'm having a hard time with this, because I hate this song with the fire of a thousand suns. She seems awfully sad singing such an uplifting song, which is odd for Brooke. She looks like she's going to cry. Randy thought it was just okay, but he wasn't mad at her. Paula thinks she's definitive, and loves her. Simon thought it was, "nice," but not original.

Bottom three: Syesha Mercado, Carly Smithson, Kristy Lee Cook
Going home: Syesha Mercado. I'm giving up on sending Kristy Lee Cook home.

And if you're like me and want to watch this over and over and over, here's Jason Castro's performance:

Results Recap

"9 to 5" medley: More awful dancing. The guys all sounded super weird singing it. The girls sounded okay, even Kristy Lee Cook. The contestants came off the stage to fondle the judges for awhile. God, I hate the medleys so much. They are painfully cheesy, and not kitschy cheesy, which I like. Just straight up Gouda.

Aside: I love Dolly Parton so, so much. She's a national treasure. I do miss her old face, though. I would also like to point out that a few weeks ago, I went over to Curly's for dinner, and we discussed Dollyweek. She said, "Who's going to sing "Jolene," and I predicted Brooke White." I also predicted Kristy Lee Cook would sing "9 to 5," but at least I got one right. Actually, she technically did, in the medley, so I am a physic phenomenon!

Michael Johns is… safe! And wearing a Dolly Parton T-shirt?

David Archuleta is… safe! I think it's safe to say David Archuleta could burp his next song and be safe.

Carly Smithson is… safe! And I can't decide if I think her yellow top is flattering or not. It's hard to pull off yellow if you're not Brooke White, because she is the sun in human form.

Commercial time. I have to see if my tater tots are done. And my tater tots are… not done!

I am not digging Seacrest's fauxhawk at all.

Call-in time! Haley, age 13, wants to know what Syesha misses most about her home life. Answer: hanging out with friends and family. This segment is so fucking boring. Robert, also age 13, wants to know what talent David Cook would like to have. Answer: organization -- he's a slob. I'm falling asleep here. Bill, age 26, wants to know who Randy, in all his skull-shirted glory, hasn't worked with. Answer: he'd like to work with the next American Idol! Kyle, age 17, wants to know what Michael Johns and David Cook want to sing on the tour. Answer: they haven't thought about it yet. Mary, age 52, has a question for Simon. Why does he feel it's necessary to apologize after a negative critique? Answer: Simon is officially off the hook! No apologies from now on.

The Clark Brothers sang, "This Little Light of Mine." Badly. The singer is a bizarro, less cute Jordan Catalano singing "I Want to be Sedated" after Rayanne choked and ran off the stage. Luckily my tots are done, and in case you were wondering, yes, I'm going to eat my tots, and no, you can't eat them.

Ford commercial. "It's Tricky," which I enjoy very much when I listen to my Clueless soundtrack. The Idol hopefuls are facing off with a bunch of black guys in basketball. Because black guys are good at basketball, duh. Not good enough to beat this group of skinny, multi-ethnic midgets, though! Just kidding. They aren't all midgets. Just some of them.

David Cook is… safe, healthy and sporting questionable hair.

Ramiele Malubay is… in the bottom three! And wearing a Britney T-shirt?

Kristy Lee Cook is… in the bottom three! And she brought some sort of note claiming her silver seat.

Past Idol update. Bucky moved to Nashville, got a record deal and has two singles out. Phil Stacey grew a beard, looks like my boyfriend now, and has a country album coming out soon. Bo Bice had three intestinal surgeries, took a year off, built a recording studio and put out an album getting back to his southern rock roots. He needs a haircut now more than ever. He's also a dad now, which he seems to enjoy.

Syesha Mercado is… safe! And wearing a Paula Abdul T-shirt?

Brooke White is… in the bottom three! Holy crap! My beloved Jason Castro is safe!

Ramiele is boob height to Kristy and Brooke. Heee.

Idol Gives Back time. An Ethiopian girl living in poverty was given a home and was separated from her sister. After searching, she found her, and their reunion was really touching. They're both off the streets now and in a shelter.

Dollytime! Singing "Jesus and Gravity" from her new album "Backwoods Barbie." LOVE. She is wearing the craziest outfit EVER, and it is awesome because it's Dolly. She looks like a bride at a wedding at a retirement community for active seniors in Boca Raton, Florida whose next door neighbor from Texas, Betty Jo, took a look at her white capri pants and cape and said, "It's nice, Dolly, but it needs more pizzazz! Let me get my Bedazzler!" And then they drank white wine spritzers and spent the night bedazzling and gossiping about Martha down the hall, who is a TOTAL SLUT. And Jordin Sparks and Holly Robinson Peete fucking loved every second of it. Speaking of crazy outfits, Paula Abdul has some sort of weird cutouts on her shiny blouse. She looks like a Russian stripper.

Results time. Randy predicts Ramiele is out. Simon predicts it won't be Brooke. Brooke is emotional and can't stop talking. Brooke is… safe! And Kristy Fucking Lee Fucking Cook is safe AGAIN. I shake my fist at Vote for the Worst. Which means that Ramiele is going bye-bye. I'm not sad, because she showed so much promise early on and then never really delivered, and if I learned anything from my parade of shitty ex-boyfriends, it's that you can't fall in love with someone's potential. She's young, though, she'll be fine. And successful. She pulled herself together to do a decent sing-out, which I always like to see.

Top Chef time, kiddies. Stay tuned for a news update later this week.

Top 10: Results Recap

Later, Fat Alfonso Ribeiro. But before we get to the results…

You officially have until March 31st to enter your schmaltzy, forgettable song for the songwriter competition. Get composing, Marcy.

The medley was painful, especially the David Cook/Michael Johns chest bump. A close second was Kristy Lee Cook's singing, and third, as much as it pains me to say it, Jason Castro's dancing, although he's still adorable even when he's in full-on dork mode. It's endearing, really.

We got to see the Idol hopefuls in the studio recording the full-length versions of their performances for iTunes. David Cook sort of admitted that he looks for other people's arrangements on iTunes so he can steal them as pass them off as his own (or at least he did before the show got some flack, and now we get a quickly worded, barely audible plug for the original cover artist from Seacrest).

FYI, if I had to sing a song from the year I was born, it would be "Lovin' You," and I'd use Eric Cartman's arrangement, and give him full credit.

Hey, Carly Smithson isn't pregnant! You know why we didn't report that rumor? Because we're girls, and we know the danger of wearing an empire waist when you have hips and normal-sized arms, that's why. Once, while wearing an ill-advised empire waist dress at a department store, an elderly woman in a wheelchair nearly ran me over and then said, "Watch out, honey! I don't want to hurt your baby!" Yeah.

Ford commercial time. I have to say, I'm enjoying them more this season. This one was to Cheap Trick's "I Want You to Want Me." They're still cheesy, sure, but the production values are better and they actually do interesting things. In this case, showing performances on T-shirts, CD cases, etc. I dug it.

I find it hard to believe that Chris Cornell called up Ryan Seacrest to rave about David Cook, by the way. And why did David have a scarf hanging down the back of his leg? Is that the new edgy chain wallet, only for like, pussies?

God, the new Q&A section is killing me this season. First question: Is Chikezie single? Yes, he is. Second: Why did David Archuleta pick a song that no one knows? Because it's one of his favorite songs, that's why. Third: How can she get Ryan Seacrest's job? Simon's answer: You don't need talent. He'll be paying for that later when Seacrest is withholding sex out of spite. Fourth: Who would Brooke White do a duet with? John Mayer. I think it's safe to say John Mayer would sully Brooke White beyond recognition. Fifth: Is Simon the most attractive person on the show? Simon says, "Have you SEEN my chest hair and dazzling teeth?" (He didn't actually say that.)

I can't even snark on Kimberly Locke. I find her tremendously likeable. She put out an album, lost 40 pounds and opened up a restaurant. Okay, I lied. I will snark on the boob mashing, goth prom atrocity she was wearing to perform in. What WAS that? It was totally something that the "So You Think You Can Dance" contestants would wear while dancing to a Wade Robsen-choreographed contemporary dance piece about a lady zombie who fell in love with a dude just as she was about to eat his brain, and decided to pirouette around him instead of having a cranial snack. She sounded good, anyway, but the song was kind of boring.

Last year, Idol Gives Back provided 120 million meals, 4,000 life-saving immunizations and 25,000 books. I won't give all the details about this year's lineup, because we already did and I've had a long-ass fucking day, but watch it. I'm sure my cold-withered heart will grow three sizes larger.

Bottom three were Chikezie Eze, obviously, Syesha Mercado (P.S. WHY DO YOU HATE BLACK PEOPLE, AMERICA?) and my Jason Castro, which hurt. I guess Kristy Lee Cook's pandering for the redneck vote worked. And Simon's inexplicable praise of said pandering. If they ever brought Hee-Haw back, wouldn't she be a great Hee-Haw girl?

I really wish the producers would let the ousted contestant sing their best song on the way out. I think it would be a bit nicer, both for the contestant and also for those of us who have to listen to it.

Later, kiddies. I have to go back and watch Tuesday's show now, and it's already midnight. Good thing I'm unemployed, eh?

Top 11 Recap

Seriously. Why do we have to suffer through another Beatles week? Oh, okay. Last week was Lennon/McCartney, and this is the Beatles. Now I get it. That's totally different. Thanks for clearing that up, Ryan. Is Nigel Lithgoe trying to kill us?

I count TWO Simon winks at Ryan before the show even gets started. Maybe my friend Amanda is right and they are secret boyfriends.

Amanda Overmyer
Her most memorable moment so far was being on the big stage for the first time. Not like performing on a flatbed truck, that's for sure! She's singing "Back in the USSR" because it's upbeat. I hate to say this, but it didn't suck. Really, I don't just hate to say it -- it physically hurts.
Randy: Perfect song choice, but pitchy in the beginning. 7 out of 10, but it was good!
Paula: Sketchy at first, timing off. A little ahead of the beat. But she's unique. Wants to see her do a ballad.
Simon: Predictable, bit of a mess in parts. Needs to surprise people with something new before she gets boring.
Amanda says, "Whatever, I'm awesome and this Idol shit is lame! Suck it!" (I'm paraphrasing)

Kristy Lee Cook
She looks through her "photo book" every night to remind her of home. She has a cute dog named Autumn. She secretly hates Randy Jackson. Maybe I made that last part up. Maybe I didn't. You'll never know. Her most memorable moment(s) was being in the bottom every week because she sucks, and then not going home because she's hot. She's doing "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away," because she likes the title. For real. She's predictably terrible.
Randy: Interesting arrangement, but boring until the end.
Paula: She looked gorgeous, which is code for she sucked.
Simon: Needs hypnosis because she's a bad performer. "Musical wallpaper." Heee.
Kristy says, "I may suck now, but wait until I shift into full sock-blowing mode!"

David Archuleta
His most memorable moment was singing "Imagine." Not so memorable was forgetting the lyrics. He's doing "The Long and Winding Road" for no reason. It bored me to tears, and his vaguely constipated facial expressions made me uncomfortable.
Randy: He brought the hotness back to his game.
Paula: Exciting and wonderful performance.
Simon: Amazing.
The hell?

Performance by Kellie Pickler tomorrow! Aw yeah, I'm going to have a field day with that one.

Michael Johns
His most memorable moment was singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" during Hollywood Week. He's doing "A Day in the Life" because he thinks it's Lennon and McCartney's "masterpiece." I like Michael Johns. I think he's an understated, but very good performer, and I like his voice. I do not like this arrangement, though. At all.
Randy: Wrong song choice.
Paula: Dress rehearsal, blah blah, monitors, blah blah, Simon, blah blah. She hated it.
Simon: It was a mess.
Michael says, "I want to dedicate that crappy performance to my friend who passed away. It was his favorite song. How do you feel now, judges? Guilty?"

Brooke White
Brooke looks like the sun itself in a flappy yellow dress. Because she's a ray of sunshine sent down to the Earth to make us all smile and forget our troubles. Her most memorable moment was singing "Let It Be" and getting emotional. She's singing "Here Comes the Sun" because she IS the sun! I found it pretty weak compared to her last two performances. In fact, it sucked. And she should never attempt to dance again, ever.
Randy: It was awkward.
Paula: Liked the low notes, but pretty much hated it.
Simon: Performance terrible. Horrible dancing, lack of conviction.
Brooke says, "It's okay. Everything's okay. I will continue to shine my light on you anyway, because the sun is not spiteful. It only shines."

David Cook
His most memorable moment was stealing "Eleanor Rigby" last week (more on David's chronic thievery later this week). This week, he's doing "Daytripper" and wow, he just gave credit to Whitesnake for the arrangement. Mom loves David Cook, which hurts me. She also loved Chris Daughtry, so it makes sense. I guess his performance was okay, but I was bored.
Randy: Not his best, but still solid.
Paula: Ready to go sell records. Liked the voice box.
Simon: Not as good as David thought it was. Smug. YES! Lost his element of surprise.
David says, "I learned my lesson about being a douche when I'm criticized, so I'm going to say exactly what I'm supposed to, that I'll take the criticism and learn from it for next week, if I'm here. Oh come on, let's be honest. Of course I'll be here. I'm fucking awesome and everyone knows it."

Carly Smithson
Her most memorable moment was when Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson. She's singing "Blackbird," because her brother sang it growing up, and she wants to do a ballad for a change. Carly has pretty much a perfect voice, and I liked it a lot. I also love that song, which didn't hurt. But what on Earth was she wearing? You can't pull off a ruffled neckline when you have that many tattoos.
Randy: Very nice. Cooliosis factor. (Yeah, I don't know either)
Paula: Loved it.
Simon: Hated song choice. Indulgent.
Carly says, "This song represents my struggle with the music industry. We're all broken birds. Take that, Simon!" She got a "7" tattooed on her hand, because she's the 7th contestant this week and it's the 7th season of Idol.

Jason Castro
His most memorable moment was singing "Hallelujah." Mine too, Jason. He's singing "Michelle" because it's a real dynamic song and he gets to speak French. I loved it. He's so awesome and adorable. And he loves me, needs me and wants me. Guess what, Jason? You can have me!
Randy: Just all right for him.
Paula: He has a very distinct charm and Paula wants to bone him. She found it uncomfortable and a little awkward.
Simon: His face sold it, very charming and not obnoxious. His goofiness makes it work.

Syesha Mercado
Syesha looks gorgeous. I want that dress. Her most memorable moment was being in the bottom three. She needed it because she needed that kick in her butt. She's singing "Yesterday," because she did a Beatles medley in middle school and the song touched her and she wants to touch everyone. The pacing was super weird and off for me.
Randy: Very good performance.
Paula: Beautiful how she let herself be vulnerable. Needs to make more eye contact.
Simon: Best performance so far.

Chikezie Eze
His most memorable moment was the first round in Hollywood where all the judges complimented him. He's singing "I've Just Seen a Face" with an instrument that he doesn't know how to play. That's smart. I think it started out boring and then got good.
Randy: Liked the fast part, hated the slow. (Word!)
Paula: He did it again!
Simon: Thought the harmonica was atrocious. Gimmicky and not as good as last week.

Ramiele Malubay
Her most memorable moment was making lots of new friends. Brooke is her mom and David Cook is her big brother. She's singing "I Should Have Known Better" because it's upbeat and she bored the judges to tears last week. She's wearing a very strange outfit, but I think she's pretty good.
Randy: Not jumping up and down, but liked it. It was aiight.
Paula: Better than last week, but didn't showcase her vocals enough.
Simon: Sounded amateurish and chose a mediocre song.

Bottom three: Ramiele Malubay, Kristy Lee Cook, Chikezie Eze
Going home: Kristy Lee Cook. Please, America. Send her home.

Top 11: Song List

This week's theme was The Beatles Part Two: Electric Boogaloo (sorry, couldn't resist). Full recap to come tomorrow but here's the song list to hold you over.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "Back in the USSR"

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"

David Archuleta
Performed: "The Long and Winding Road"

Michael Johns
Performed: "A Day in the Life"

Brooke White
Performed: "Here Comes the Sun"

David Cook
Performed: "Daytripper"

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Blackbird"

Jason Castro
Performed: "Michelle"

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Yesterday"

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "I've Just Seen a Face"

Top 12: Recap

This is the week we butcher songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook. How coked up did Seacrest seem? Answer: a lot. Also, why did they get all the "ethnic" contestants out of the way first?

Syesha Mercado: "Gotta Get You Into My Life"
Syesha is a "working actress." Nothing on IMDB, so I'm not buying it. It was pretty good, but I wish she had either lost the shirt or buttoned it up. It looks like she's doing a hungover Walk of Shame. Not as screamy as usual, anyway. Randy and Paula thought it was okay. Simon thought it was better than okay, but that she needs to get her nerves in check.

Chikezie Eze: "She's a Woman"
I haven't been a huge Chikezie fan, but I thought he rocked this. The judges agreed. Ryan went fucking bonkers. I blame the coke.

Ramiele Mulabey: "In My Life"
Ramiele works in a sushi restaurant and smells like soy sauce. Her song is dedicated to Danny Noriega. I thought it started out good then got boring. The judges agreed, except for Simon, who hated the beginning.

Jason Castro: "If I Fell"
I voted for him about six billion times. He's Columbian, by the way, for all of you Googlers looking for "Jason Castro ethnicity." It wasn't his best performance to date, but he's just a joy to watch. I can't stop smiling when he's on that stage. Randy thought it was just all right. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a boring bedroom performance.

The Kardashians were there!

Carly Smithson: "Come Together"
I've had a problem with Carly through this competition. She looks like a badass, but she wants to sing Celine Dion songs. I can't reconcile that in my head. She rocked the house tonight, though. She has a tremendous voice. The crowd went wild. Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson, and I can't disagree.

David Cook: "Eleanor Rigby"
I thought it was shaky and all over the place, but the judges wet themselves. It's official: We have our Chris Daughtry. Might I hope we get a surprise vote off as well? I hate to admit this, but I think he'd be hot with better hair. His hair hurts me.

Brooke White: "Let it Be"
This is the Beatles' last single. I did not know that. She seems uncomfortable behind the piano, like she doesn't know how to connect with the audience from that vantage point. She plays barefoot, which I find oddly endearing. The judges love it. I liked it a whole lot.

David Hernandez: "I Saw Her Standing There"
I was longing for Tiffany during this. It was okay. I liked it more than the judges, who thought it was overdone. Simon deemed it corny. Ryan says "Hernandez" the way Alex Trebec says, "Nicaragua."

Amanda Overmyer: "Can't Do That"
Dig the extensions. Don't dig the Steven Tyler get-up. It was fine, but I'm so over her. Did she lose a ton of weight, or is it the vertical stripes? Randy and Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty and slurry, but still likes her.

Tyrese was there!

Michael Johns: "Across the Universe"
I dug it. Ryan thought it was just okay. Paula loved it, because she wants to bone him. Simon found it monotonous.

Kristy Lee Cook: "Eight Days a Week"
Awful. Just awful. The country thing did not work, and she has crazy eyes. The judges all hated it. Simon deemed it "horrendous."

David Archuleta: "We Can Work It Out"
Forgot the words, lost his confidence, wouldn't stop licking his lips, butchered the whole thing. Everyone hated it.

Bottom three: David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay and Kristy Lee Cook
Going home: Ramiele Malubay

Top 16: Boys Recap

Okay, so I had this recap just about ready to go last night and then The Lovely Jess called and we BS'd for a couple of hours and by the time I got off the phone, I was too tired to check for typos and being the responsible journalist (HA HA HA HA) that I am, I decided to hold off publishing until my first cup of coffee kicked in this morning. Translation: I didn't feel like doing it last night.

So, a lot of this is retread from what Jess said because we share a brain and rarely have differing thoughts... except for that whole enjoying cock thing she's got going on. That's where we diverge.

Anyhoo, here's my recap which I will admit is rather bare because I had one eye on CNN watching the primary results. Such suspense and intrigue!

Luke Menard
Performed: "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" by Wham
Riddle me this: Why is Danny Noriega Vote for the Worst's pick? Why not Luke? I mean, I don't want Luke getting any more votes but he sucks way more ass than Danny. [Insert your own Danny sucks dick joke(s) here.]

Seriously, his voice will soon supplant Mary Hart's as a leading cause of seizures. In the interest of public health, please send him home now.

Verdict: Sucked big hairy dick.

David Archuleta
Performed: "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins
I hate this song. It reminds of when I had to work in the gift department at Drug Fair back in high school. Store management decided that soft rock would encourage shoppers to buy more Precious Moments figurines and this song came on ALL.THE.TIME. It drove me mad, I tell you. MAD. It was enough to make a bitch start throwing Hummels.

But this is about David, isn't it? Um, I agree with Randy... it didn't showcase his "vocal prowness."

Verdict: Sucked somewhat. And Randy needs to get a dictionary, dawg.

Danny Noriega
Performed: "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell
Danny, please don't make take back what I said about Luke being the ideal Vote for the Worst candidate.

Verdict: Sucked slightly less hairy dick than Luke's vocal hummer.

David Hernandez
Performed: "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Pandora's Box
Shocking. Danny didn't mention his being outed as a gay stripper as his most embarrassing moment. Well get mah smellin' salts. By the by, we posted that shit a couple of weeks ago. We scooped everyone. Worship us. Now.

Verdict: I'm excusing myself because I have an uncanny ability to automatically tune out songs covered by Celine Dion and/or Meatloaf (with the exception of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" for the latter). Seriously, other than the first few bars, nothing else registered. I have enough mental clutter without that chest-thumping Canuck and that hankie-toting grease ball taking up valuable space.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Don't You Forget about Me" by Simple Minds
Paula praised Michael's unique performance style, paying special attention to the way he holds the mic and hops around the stage. Funny, these are the very same things that irritated the shit out of me. It's reassuring to know that Paula and I are not on the same page.

Verdict: Didn't suck.

David Cook
Performed: "Hello" by Lionel Richie
Oh man. I wanted to hate that... but I didn't. But I still hate the hair and that face he makes when he's singing. He tilts his head back and shows us his nostrils. It's like he's saying, "Hey America, do I have a booger hanging from my nose?" Too bad David Hernandez didn't do that prior to his photo shoot.

Verdict: Didn't suck, but, speaking of David Hernandez's snot, if that dude ever uses the words "crusty" and "booger" in the same sentence again, I'll strangle him with his stripper G-string. Nasty.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen
I loved it. He's so adorable. Melissa McGee and The Lovely Jess can keep Michael Johns. I'll switch teams for Jason. And I think Simon will too based on his effusive praise.

Verdict: I loved it, duh.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro (aka Chikezie)
Performed: "She Fills Me Up" by Luther Vandross
See my earlier comment about Celine and Meatloaf.

Verdict: Sucked.

Predictions
Luke Menard and... hmm... Fat Alfonso Ribeiro are going home. Oh, and Paula will be hungover today.

Top 16 Recap: Da Boys

The 80s. I'm pretty psyched.

Luke Menard
Luke's most embarrassing 80s outfit was the one where his sister dressed him up in a tutu because she wanted a little sister. He's singing Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," and it's every bit as bad as you'd expect from cute, yet not very talented, Luke. It's too high and the pacing is all weird. I'd also to state for the records that on seven seasons of Idol, I have never liked a falsetto. Randy: Corny. Paula: She choreographed Wham's tour, and then some other stuff about how much she likes him even though he blows. Simon hated it, and thought it was girly. Simon and I are on the same page again, finally. Golly Luke's cute, though.

David Archuleta
Phil Collins. Ugh. He's very monochromatic and has to pee. His most embarrassing moment -- and when did we go from outfits from the 80s to moments? I was looking forward to the outfits -- was when he was singing for a fundraiser in Honduras and lost his voice, and his mom had to finish the song. He's playing the piano and singing, "Another Day in Paradise," and it's a lesser offensive Phil Collins song and he's awesome, of course. He lost the piano really quickly, though. Who is he, Kip Winger with the instrument as prop bullcrap? Randy didn't love the song choice. Paula wet herself twice, obviously. Simon wanted him to stay at the piano. Word! And he found it gloomy. Whatever – lil' David isn't going anywhere. Simon predicts "Final 2."

Denise Richards is there! She looks like a mannequin!

Danny Noriega
His friend tripped him in front of one of his crushes, and he ran. He's doing unspeakable things to Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" and has purple streaks in his hair. Okay, he pulled me back in. He has a shockingly good voice. It was still super weird for me. Randy hated the first half but loved the end. Paula likes how "real" he is, which I take several issues with. Simon hated it six ways to Sunday.

David Hernandez
He was doing a photo shoot (for his stripping career) and when he got the proofs back, he had a giant booger in his nose. Also, confession time. I love Celine Dion's version of this song. The Internets tell me someone called Pandora's Box did it, too, and I'm not sure which version David did, but I loved it. To put my love for this song into context, my all-time favorite band is Pantera. In fact, when he gets done singing, I'm going to rewind it and sing along. He's awesome, of course, and I'm full of glee. Has a dude ever sung a Celine song on this show before? I don't think so. Pretty ballsy, or vagina-y, however you want to look at it. Randy liked it but thought he was a little sharp at times. Paula thinks he got his groove back. Simon didn't like it as much as last week, but thinks he'll be there for sure next week. My version after the rewinding was not quite as good, FYI, and I'm pretty sure my landlords are going to evict me because of it.

Michael Johns
Sexy, sexy accent. Most embarrassing moment? Mascot work. Dressed as a kangaroo named "Boomer," and he got beat up by some guys in front of 20,000 people. He's singing Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)" and I love it from the first note. Randy thinks he's Michael Hutchens. I wouldn't go that far. Paula thinks the song choice was perfect. Simon liked it, but didn't love it. He thinks he's a better soul singer than a rock one.

David Cook
His most embarrassing moment was when he sang "Sandman," by America at a talent show as a little kid, and forgot the lyrics and stood there like a chump. He looks like an "after" shot of a Kid Rock makeover in that video, by the way. He's singing, "Hello," and I want to hate it but I don't, which makes me hate him even more. Randy loves it. Paula loves it. They both think it could be a hit today. Simon thinks Lionel Richie would love it.

Jason Castro
Finally! His most embarrassing moment was when he went out on a date with a girl and ripped one of his dreads off at the dinner table. She went out with him again, though, because how could she not? He's ditched the guitar, and totally spit while he was singing, but I don't care because he can do no wrong. Ever. He's rocking Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. Randy liked it. Paula liked his beautiful vulnerability. Simon thought it was brilliant. I voted for him three times.

Chikezie Eze
He went to the same bathroom every day in high school and then realized it was the women's room. He sounds good singing "All the (Wo)man That I Need" by Whitney Houston, but I'm still not feeling him. Also, whenever I hear this song and hear, "she fills me up," I think of Election and it grosses me out. Did they make him cut it short? Because it seemed awfully short. Also, when I tried to vote for Jason, I accidentally voted for Chikezie. So if he stays and someone great goes, it's probably my fault. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon found it to be cabaret.

The guys are pretty awesome this season, I have to say. I wish the girls were half as interesting.

Favorite: Jason Castro
Least favorite: Luke Menard
Going home: Luke and Chikezie

Top 20 Recap: Boys

70s week. Jesus. Kill me now.

Michael Johns 'Go Your Own Way' (Fleetwood Mac)
Michael Johns has a shocking secret, y'all. He plays tennis. Yawn. Double yawn on his song. It was okay, but nothing remotely "wow" about it. Still hot, though. I'd do him. So would Paula Abdul, obviously.

Jason Castro 'I Just Want to Be Your Everything' (Bee Gees)
Jason Castro IS my everything. God he's adorable. His shocking secret is that he doesn't like to talk, which works out just fine for me, because I have no talking in mind whatsoever. (Sorry, I get a little frisky when I have my period. TMI!) The judges think he didn't pick such a great song, and I agree. They also thing he should lose the guitar next week. Again, I agree.

Luke Menard 'Killer Queen' (Queen)
You know, I don't really like to talk about my fair. That said, Luke is only rocking the required amount of flair, and if he wants to emulate Freddie Mercury, he's going to have to step it up a bit methinks. Don't you want to express yourself, Luke? Also, shocking secret: Homeboy sings in an a capella group.

Robbie Carrico 'Hot Blooded' (Foreigner)
Is anyone shocked to find out that Robbie drag races? I'm not. Everything about Robbie is overcompensation for being in a boy band -- the long hair, the wallet chain, the bandanna, the "rock," the drag racing ... this guy is knee-deep in an identity crisis. Speaking of the bandanna, I take back everything I said about it last week -- he should never, ever take it off again. The performance was okay, but it felt a little boring and safe, which is my general feeling on the guys up to this point this week.

Danny Noriega 'Superstar' (The Carpenters)
Danny's secret is he used to be in a terrible punk band. I didn't love this performance -- a bit old-fashioned for someone sorting such a kicky sweater. I did like he he managed to be bitchy, respectful and funny all at once during his criticism, though.

David Hernandez 'Papa Is a Rolling Stone' (The Temptations)
David Hernandez used to be a gymnast, which I bet made him a very popular stripper. If, you know, that stripper thing is actually true, which is may not be, but those smoldering gazes tonight made me think it might be. Anyway, I thought he rocked this. I forgot how awesome he is. And I like that he showed a bit of personality to boot. He gets all my dollar bills.

Jason Yeager 'Long Train Running' (The Doobie Brothers)
Oh, Jason Yeager. Such a nice fella. So bound for a Carnival cruise line. Maybe he and Haley Scarnato can tour together. His secret is that e plays a lot of instruments, and fathered a child before he hit puberty. Okay, I made that last part up.

Chikezie Eze 'I Believe to My Soul' (Donny Hathaway)
Chikezie's secret is that his name is Nigerian and actually sounds much cooler the way it's actually pronounced. He won me over a bit this week, but the wink pissed me off a little. Don't wink, people. It's not cute -- it's smarmy.

David Cook 'All Right Now' (Free)
I am so torn about David Cook. On the one hand, he's a word nerd. Me too! That makes me want to like him. On the other hand, his hair. On the other hand, when he performs, I generally lie it. On the other hand, don't give Simon attitude -- it makes you look like a defensive douche. I would liken my opinion of David Cook to that of Linkin Park -- I've been trying to hate that band for years but then I find myself jamming out to a song on the radio and say, "Who's this?" and inevitably, it's Linkin Park.

David Archuleta 'Imagine' (John Lennon)
David's secret is that he went to the first season finale and sang for everyone in the lobby and Kelly Clarkson called him "dude" and gave him a big hug. And I'm going to be totally honest here, unlike the sugarcoating and being too nice that I usually do -- I did not get this kid up until now. I mean, sure, great voice. Cute enough kid. But "eh." This performance sealed it for me, though -- I thought it was fantastic. I mean, he made Paula Abdul cry! No one's ever done that! Okay, that wasn't true. I'm a liar.

Favorite: David Archuleta
Least favorite: Luke Menard
Going home: Jason Yeager and Luke Menard