Top 10: Results Recap

Later, Fat Alfonso Ribeiro. But before we get to the results…

You officially have until March 31st to enter your schmaltzy, forgettable song for the songwriter competition. Get composing, Marcy.

The medley was painful, especially the David Cook/Michael Johns chest bump. A close second was Kristy Lee Cook's singing, and third, as much as it pains me to say it, Jason Castro's dancing, although he's still adorable even when he's in full-on dork mode. It's endearing, really.

We got to see the Idol hopefuls in the studio recording the full-length versions of their performances for iTunes. David Cook sort of admitted that he looks for other people's arrangements on iTunes so he can steal them as pass them off as his own (or at least he did before the show got some flack, and now we get a quickly worded, barely audible plug for the original cover artist from Seacrest).

FYI, if I had to sing a song from the year I was born, it would be "Lovin' You," and I'd use Eric Cartman's arrangement, and give him full credit.

Hey, Carly Smithson isn't pregnant! You know why we didn't report that rumor? Because we're girls, and we know the danger of wearing an empire waist when you have hips and normal-sized arms, that's why. Once, while wearing an ill-advised empire waist dress at a department store, an elderly woman in a wheelchair nearly ran me over and then said, "Watch out, honey! I don't want to hurt your baby!" Yeah.

Ford commercial time. I have to say, I'm enjoying them more this season. This one was to Cheap Trick's "I Want You to Want Me." They're still cheesy, sure, but the production values are better and they actually do interesting things. In this case, showing performances on T-shirts, CD cases, etc. I dug it.

I find it hard to believe that Chris Cornell called up Ryan Seacrest to rave about David Cook, by the way. And why did David have a scarf hanging down the back of his leg? Is that the new edgy chain wallet, only for like, pussies?

God, the new Q&A section is killing me this season. First question: Is Chikezie single? Yes, he is. Second: Why did David Archuleta pick a song that no one knows? Because it's one of his favorite songs, that's why. Third: How can she get Ryan Seacrest's job? Simon's answer: You don't need talent. He'll be paying for that later when Seacrest is withholding sex out of spite. Fourth: Who would Brooke White do a duet with? John Mayer. I think it's safe to say John Mayer would sully Brooke White beyond recognition. Fifth: Is Simon the most attractive person on the show? Simon says, "Have you SEEN my chest hair and dazzling teeth?" (He didn't actually say that.)

I can't even snark on Kimberly Locke. I find her tremendously likeable. She put out an album, lost 40 pounds and opened up a restaurant. Okay, I lied. I will snark on the boob mashing, goth prom atrocity she was wearing to perform in. What WAS that? It was totally something that the "So You Think You Can Dance" contestants would wear while dancing to a Wade Robsen-choreographed contemporary dance piece about a lady zombie who fell in love with a dude just as she was about to eat his brain, and decided to pirouette around him instead of having a cranial snack. She sounded good, anyway, but the song was kind of boring.

Last year, Idol Gives Back provided 120 million meals, 4,000 life-saving immunizations and 25,000 books. I won't give all the details about this year's lineup, because we already did and I've had a long-ass fucking day, but watch it. I'm sure my cold-withered heart will grow three sizes larger.

Bottom three were Chikezie Eze, obviously, Syesha Mercado (P.S. WHY DO YOU HATE BLACK PEOPLE, AMERICA?) and my Jason Castro, which hurt. I guess Kristy Lee Cook's pandering for the redneck vote worked. And Simon's inexplicable praise of said pandering. If they ever brought Hee-Haw back, wouldn't she be a great Hee-Haw girl?

I really wish the producers would let the ousted contestant sing their best song on the way out. I think it would be a bit nicer, both for the contestant and also for those of us who have to listen to it.

Later, kiddies. I have to go back and watch Tuesday's show now, and it's already midnight. Good thing I'm unemployed, eh?

Friday News Update

Idol Gives Back a Buttload of Dough
30 million dollars, to be exact. And I'm not sure why Ryan Seacrest didn't mention it, but we here at American Midol have decided to match the funds raised! Pay up, Curly. Seriously, though, that’s awesome. (Gulf Times)

The King is Still Dead
I know – I really thought that was Elvis, too. The technical term for how they did that is rotoscoping. I thought it was some Star Wars hologram shit, but what do I know? (ABC News)

Simon Says, "Come Back To Me!"
Simon Cowell admitted to missing Sanjaya Malakar this week. And this, my friends, concludes my nonsexual love affair with Simon Cowell. (The Post Chronicle)

Pro-Lifers Poo-Poo on Everything
Pro-life groups are not happy with the charities "Idol Gives Back" has decided to donate money to, namely UNICEF and Save the Children, because they support abortion rights. They’ve even started a letter writing campaign. How very Christian of them. (Life News)

Momjaya: Pothead, Criminal
Sanjaya Malakar's mom was busted in 2005 for growing a whole bunch of pot plants. Sister Shyamali is apparently also a pothead, which would explain the naked guitar playing. Ah, how I miss my college days. (TMZ)

Paul Abdul, Unfugged!
The Fug girls say, "Well played!" I say, cute shoes, but I’m not loving the ruffle.

Phil Stacey is the Worst
With Sanjaya gone, Phil Stacey moves into the VFTW slot. Personally, I'd put Chris Richardson in there, despite his uber-adorableness (Chris, call me!), but I don't run the site.

And if you missed Sanjaya Malakar on Letterman this week, you missed all the, uh, fun, I guess.

Top 6: Results... Um, I Mean, Cock Tease

Wow. That was an emotional two hours. Seriously, portions of it got me ::right here.:: Simon and Ryan's trip to Kenya was particularly brutal. I needed more than one tissue to get me through that bit.

Speaking of uncontrollable sobbing, anyone else think it was a little cruel to let Jordin Sparks twist in the wind like that? I totally thought she lost and judging by her sopping wet face, she did too. I don't think I need to remind anyone that SHE'S SEVENTEEN especially since Randy says it like clockwork, you know, each and every week without fail. God, that was cruel.

Even crueler? Subjecting us to the Celine/Elvis duet of "If I Can Dream" right on the heels of the celebrity-packed "Stayin' Alive" video...

I honestly don't know which one was creepier, to be honest. No wait, I do... Someone make the scary Helena Bonham Carter go away!

I guess there's not much else to say except that this concludes our week of subdued critique. Since no one lost, we can't do a victory dance or curse out the voting public. Well, technically we could but we'd look a touch silly. So, that's that and we'll resume being assholes again next week when there's no charitable causes to make us feel all guilty and shit.

And, continuing in the spirit of generosity and good will, I went and gave Paula a big ol' goose egg on the Insanity Index this week. But that's where this being nice bullshit ends! It's starting to give me hives. Grrr... Bloody do-gooders.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take an anti-histamine chased by a good stiff drink.

Top 6: The Toothless Recap

In tonight's episode, the Top 6 performed songs of compassion and hope in celebration of Idol Gives Back. Normally I'd roll my eyes at such cheese but well, I can't do that since Idol Gives Back is a noble effort and in the spirit of this worthy and generous cause, I'm dialing back the snark to zero tonight. Rest assured, I'll be back and overflowing with piss and vinegar next week. Until then, here's tonight's rundown:

Chris Richardson
Performed "Change the World" by Eric Clapton

I didn't dig it but the judges did. (I warned you this was toothless.)

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "There Will Come a Day" by Faith Hill

I didn't like the song but Melinda sang it well. The judges went batshit over it yet again and I began to detect a judging pattern.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Imagine" by John Lennon

Simon described Blake's rather bland performance as "sensitive." And he wasn't being the least bit haughty about it! Uh yup, I'm definitely not the only one who feels too guilty to pooh-pooh the performances tonight. Polite overpraise was the theme of the evening.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "I Believe" by Fantasia

Wow, the first performer to get across-the-board criticism tonight. Also, I think it's the first time in the history of Idol where a performer had the audacity to sing songs by past winners TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. LaKisha already tread on Jennifer Hudson's turf early in the competition so it's particularly noticeable now. Hmmm... I wonder if she'll dip into the Jasmine Trias songbook next week... if there IS a next week for KiKi.

Phil Stacey
Performed "The Change" by Garth Brooks

Simon was downright syrupy while heaping his "I like yous" on Phil tonight. I needed to go brush my teeth afterwards what with all the sugar and my usual Phil-inspired vomiting. Okay, so that was slightly snarky. I couldn't resist.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "You'll Never Walk Alone" from the musical, Carousel

It started out wobbly but it got solid towards the end but again, I wasn't as jazzed as the judges seemed to be. Even so, I'm zipping it... for now.

Predictions
Bottom Three: LaKisha, Blake and Phil
Going Home: LaKisha

Monday News Update

So I kinda I blew off Friday's news update and I never bothered to update The Official Paula Scattergram. Yeah, I kinda suck. Anyhoo, the latter is coming soon and the former is... well, do you really care at this point? It's old by now. Move on.

Here are today's headlines:

It's Official: Phil Stacey Is the Worst
It took a website to tell us this? I've been saying this for weeks, bitches. (Vote for the Worst)

Sanjaya Delivers Tonight's Top 10 List on 'Letterman'
Nope, the shock of his meteoric rise/fall/newfound fame still hasn't worn off. I need more time. (Orlando Sentinel)

Sanjaya Did D.C.
Global warming, schmobal warming -- it was Karl Rove's impassioned defense and feverish voting for Sanjaya that set Sheryl Crow off. (People)

Ellen DeGeneres to Host 'Idol Gives Back'
Ellen promises to give Paula a run for her money what with all the rambling anecdotes, non-sequiturs and sporadic fits of dancing. At least it ain't Rosie. (CBS News)

Celine & Elvis to Perform Duet... Yes, I Said Celine & Elvis to Perform a Duet. I Shit You Not
It's far too creepy and sacrilegious for me to give it an ounce more thought so I won't. (TMZ)