Hollywood Week: The Non-Recap Recap

The good news: We got to see some actual singing on the third night of Hollywood week, where the contestants got to sing with the band, and play instruments if they so desired.

The bad news: We will continue to be terrorized by Tatiana Del Toro and Norman Gentle.

There were so many performances, and they were so short, that I can't possibly recap them all. But here were the highlights, for me:

- Adam Lambert, doing a stripped down version of Cher's "Believe." I loved it.

- Nathaniel Marshall, playing guitar and doing an acoustic version of Rihanna's "Disturbia." I liked it better than I like the actual song. I love Rihanna, but it's not my favorite.

- Kristin McNamara, singing "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. That chicks's got some pipes.

- Jamar Rogers singing Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah." Up until this moment, I've thought of Jamar as Danny Gokey's less talented BFF, but he rocked it. Also, I've only just now realized that Danny Gokey is like a bizarro Robery Downey Jr.

- Anoop Desai getting his Bobby Brown on with "My Prerogative." What size balls must one have to even attempt that? And he didn't just attempt it, either -- he owned it.

Lowlights:

- Casey Carlson, Joanna Pacitti and Stephen Fowler all forgot the words to their songs, but they still made it through.

- The amount of airtime given to Tatiana Del Toro. She can sing, sure, but there are better singers who are not completely batshit crazy. The producers are no doubt tenting their fingers like Mr. Burns in anticipation of her complete emotional meltdown when she gets voted off the show.

Not going through to the "Judges' Mansion": India Morrison, Michael Castro, Leneshe Young and a bunch of other people we never got the chance to know.

Tonight: The final 36... finally! In a two-hour special! With shitloads of filler! We're almost to the live shows, people! Hang in there!

Hollywood Week Begins! The Recap

We had a shortened audition schedule this year, but it still felt like an eternity. And now we're at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, where 147 hopefuls vie for 36 spots, and then later, one spot, which guarantees them the post-Idol fame of either Kelly Clarkson or Taylor Hicks. Which one do you think they want?

There's another new twist this season - Idol boot camp, where contestants have access to vocal coaches, stylists and a "glam squad." I'm initially annoyed by this, as I like seeing how the contestants progress from dumpy to divalicious during the course of the entire competition, but then I see them later and they all look as frumpified as they did before. Idol boot camp also features a surprise mentor - Barry Manilow, looking more like an aging high school girls' gym teacher than ever. Mentoring apparently consists of giving a speech, which he does while the contestants look bored and wonder who this lady is, and why she thinks she knows so much about music.

Day 1: Half of the 147 sing, the other half get to frolic around Hollywood. One unlucky person has to split him or herself in half and do both, but we aren't privy to that footage. Here's how it works this year: the 73.5 people performing today will be split into groups of 8, where they will take turns singing a capella. If they suck, they go home on the spot.

Apparently, Kara got the memo I sent, which said "COVER UP YOUR BREASTS SERIOUSLY I CAN ALMOST SEE YOUR AREOLA EVERY TIME YOU TURN DO YOU WANT TO SLIP A NIPPLE?" because she's got that shit covered up. With a shiny grey bag, which she has belted. Paula is dressed like a Victorian dominatrix, with some sort of dog collar contraption. Randy borrowed Mr. Rogers' best sweater. And I think we all know what Simon is wearing.

Group 1: Lil Rounds, Dennis Brigham and 6 other people we will not be introduced to this time around. Lil Rounds sings "I Will Always Love You" which is super screamy and fairly awful. The judges, for some bizarre reason, think it's awesome. Dennis Brigham sings "For Once In My Life," and it's a shit sandwich with no chips, and he makes his best crazy face while he sings. Lil and two other people make it. Dennis and four strangers are going home. Because Dennis doesn't just make crazy face, he actually IS crazy, he goes on a tirade that the judges are "sending the wrong message by sending him home." I would venture a guess that they're sending him home because he can't sing, which is actually the right message, in my humble opinion. Shut up and go home, Dennis. Nobody likes a sore loser.

Group 2: Nathaniel Marshall, Anoop Desai, Jasmine Murray, Rose Flack, Michael Castro and three strangers. Nathaniel sings "When the Anchor Holds" and I like it, though I'm baffled by his ensemble. The tattoos and piercings are cool, and while I don't love the button-down with a T-shirt over it with a tie thing, I get it. But the kicky headband throws it all off. The judges tell him that he picked the wrong song, which I don't necessarily agree with, and then he cries like a little girl and I go from really liking him to thinking he might end up being an unstable drama boy. (Spoiler: I am correct.)
Anoop Desai sings "If It's Magic" and he kicks so much ass. I think I love Anoop. Jasmine Murray sings "The Trouble with Love Is," and she's great, but she still bores the crap out of me. Rose Flack is clearly out of her element, and she warbles through "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" and I really wish she'd pull it together because I want to like her, I really do. Michael Castro, oddly enough, gets no air time, and the entire group is through.

Group 3: Stephen Fowler, who we have not seen before, Jorge Nunez and Von Smith. Stephen sings Stevie Wonder's "Superwoman" and he immediately becomes my favorite guy singer because he is that awesome. Jorge is wearing a scarf that no American man could ever get away with. He sings "Just Another Day," and it's really good.

Then there's Von Smith, who I didn't like at all in auditions and I haven't changed my mind one bit. He shouts "If the Rain Must Fall" at the judges, and people in Japan can hear him, and Simon calls it "indulgent nonsense" and I agree. For some reason, they still send him through, along with Stephen and Jorge, who Kara calls "George," and the rest of the group will have to wait until next year to get their 15 minutes, because they're going home.

We don't get to see any more groups from Day 1, but we do get "treated" to a montage of Normal Gentle/Nick Mitchell, who I am so over. He can sing, but I'm sick of his shenanigans. He sings/performs "You're Gonna Love Me" with a shoutout to Seacrest in the middle, that I have to admit is funny. Randy calls him "banoodles," which I am totally cribbing. The judges send him through, again. Sigh. Also through on Day 1: Frankie Jordan and Scott MacIntyre.

Day 2:

Day 2 starts with Ford pimpage! It seems a bit early for that, no? Especially since Americans can't afford more than Big Wheels at the moment.

Kara's boobs are back on display in a red dress with a slit down to her lady bits. Paula is dressed like a saloon whore, and suddenly, I realize that Paula's wardrobe choices are so over the top that they have actually crossed the line to completely rad. Yup, I said it.

Group 1: Jackie Tohn sings "Rock Me Right," and it's WAY over the top and ridiculous. The judges like it, because they huff gasoline when we aren't looking, and send her through.

Group 2:
BFFs Jamar Rogers and Danny Gokey. Jamar sings "California Dreamin'" and it's good. Danny sings "Kiss From a Rose," and I really love his voice. They're both through, along with some other people.

Bikini girl time! UGH. She's wearing something sparkly with feathers at the bottom, but at least she's dressed, I guess. She molests Ryan while he mentally figures out how much of a raise to ask for next year. She sings "Breathe" by Faith Hill. It starts out pretty good, I have to admit, but then completely falls apart halfway through. Kara and Paula agree with my assessment, and Simon and Randy call them catty, because in case you haven't heard, girls are like totally mean and jealous and competitive and vindictive, y'all! It's why they pay us less! So sick of mean girls stereotypes. What was I saying about Katrina being a talentless whore? OMG YOU GUYS I'M SO MEAN. Anyway, she's through, along with the rest of her group.

Jessica Paige Furney, Sharon Wilbur and Patricia Roman Lewis are all out, but we don't get to see their performances.

Group 4: Is "Roughneck" an actual job title? Michael Sarver sings, "I'm Gonna Love You More Than Anyone," and it's good. Jesus Valenzuela sings Stevie Wonder's "Lately," and it's not. Michael is through. Our Lord and Savior is going home to his 30 kids. (I know he only has two, but I liked it better when I thought he had 30, so I'm going to just stick with that.)

Last Group: David Osmond, Erika Wesley, Emily Wynn-Hughes and that nerdy guy. David sings "The Way You look Tonight," and he's good. Erika Wesley sings "I Gave Her My Heart but She Wanted My Soul" and it's just okay for me. Then, Emily Wynn-Hughes sings "Excuse Me Mister" by No Doubt instead of "I Put a Spell on You" which she had actually rehearsed. It's shockingly terrible, and everyone is baffled. They still put her through, though, along with David and everyone else but Erika. Erika begs for another chance, and Paula lies that she was totally on board but all the meanies out-voted her. Erika continues to grasp at straws, claiming she has to get another shot because it's her cousin's birthday. LAME. They send her home.

Alexis Grace, Brent Keith, Anne Marie Boskovich and Adam Lambert are also through, and the grand total of people through is 104. Tomorrow: Group round! Drama! Sequins and standing ovations! Can. Not. Wait.

Kyle Ensley Warms My Cold, Dead Heart

Last night, at my hippie culinary school, I took a macrobiotics class. We learned all about the mind/body/soul connection, and the tenants for living your best life. I rode the subway home from class being in a very Zen-like, Kumbaya sort of mood, pondering what it would take to be a nicer, better version of myself, and vowing to change my life starting immediately. Why am I telling you this? Because it's the only explanation for what happened to me last night. I cried, y'all. And not because sucktards like David Cook and Amanda Overmyer were put through, either. It was because of nerdlet Kyle Ensley.

Melissa and Curly are no doubt going to take me to task for this one. I was touched. First, when they showed the flashback of Simon telling him post-Hollywood audition that he really thought people would like him, and then showing us what got cut off the first time we saw that clip; Simon saying, "I wish I had some of what you have." Man, when Simon is touched by something, I am touched-squared, and I don't mean that in a dirty way.

When they told him he wasn't going through, my God! Have you ever seen a more gracious rejectee? He didn't cry, or storm out. He was all smiles, and was thankful he had gotten as far as he did instead of disappointed that he didn't get further. I found it really beautiful to watch. Not to get too corny, but there's this whole notion of "gratitude," in macrobiotic theory, and Kyle Ensley has it in spades.

Clearly I was riding a macrobiotic high, because I also felt bad for cult kid Josiah Leming. I know!

Rest assured I was not without my bitchy moments, though. David Cook? Nice cropped sweater vest and pink tie, asshat. And Paula was some sort of drunk Munchhausen Mom last night, all "I'm going to make the kids cry so then I can hug them and they will looooooove meeeeeee!" And that's all I have to say on the bitchy front! What the hell is wrong with me? Oh wait -- I look forward to Colton Berry getting voted off so I can deface his creepy white eyelashes on The Grid.

I need to go watch some 30-Minute Meals to fill me back up with hate. I'll be in top bitchface form next week, I promise.

Recap: We've Finally Gone to Hollywood

I was going to post this last night, but I got rather zealous in my note-taking, and when it was all over, my four pages of typed notes were too daunting to organize. I'm not going to focus on everyone; just who I thought was interesting in either a good or bad way, or who we're going to be seeing a lot of, for better or for worse. I'm also going to agree and disagree with some of Melissa's assessments. Here we go!

If there's one thing we can all take away from Hollywood Week, it's that just because you can play an instrument, doesn't mean you should. Also, Bryan Adams is universally loved among Idol wannabees, and universally reviled by me.

I'd like to echo Melissa's statement about the lie that is being shoved down our throats this season; that this is the BEST TALENT POOL IN IDOL HISTORY. No it isn't, Ryan Seacrest. Shut up. And put a tie on; you look like you just woke up at a stranger's house after a coke bender.

DAY 1

Brooke White: Unlike Melissa, I kind of like The Alleged Mormon. I dig her voice and sunshiny energy. Mormons seem like a happy people.

Leo Marlowe: You know this guy isn't going to get through as long as Danny Noriega is still in the running. There's no way we're going to have two obviously gay Idol hopefuls. One of each stereotype, please.

Jack Mellema: A perfect example of someone who should not play an instrument while singing. Drums, really? It's kind of hard to sell yourself as a charismatic front man while sitting behind a drum kit. He came across like a singer in a depressing bar catering to unhappy middle-aged married people looking to escape the doldrums of their unfulfilled lives with booze and flirting.

David Hernandez: Really good, though I fear we've found this season's Elliott Yamin -- a gifted singer who will be overshadowed by pretty boys and big personalities.

Amanda Overmyer, AKA The Rock 'n' Roll nurse. I'm with Melissa on this one. Also, I think the black part of her hair is a wig.

Ghaleb Emachah: Is he Britney's paparazzi boyfriend? I think he is. The ladies love him. Why, exactly? White suit jacket, people. Only Don Johnson can pull that off, when it's 1982.

DAY 2

Josiah Leming: I'll be referring to him as Cult Kid, but will still type out his first and last name for the Google traffic. I hate this kid. Like, a lot. I'm glad the homeless have access to keyboards with which to DEFILE MIKA, my boyfriend. He kind of reminds me of Leo DiCaprio as the homeless kid on Growing Pains, without the actual homeless, cute or likeable parts.

Danny Noriega: Kicks ass. I want him to be my gay boyfriend.

Ramiele Malubay: I love her! That little wisp of a girl is adorable, and sings her heart out.

Carly Smithson: Love her. I ant to go get tattoos with her. I, too, noticed the blue tongue, but I thought it was more on the black side, which I thought may have been due to an overdose of Pepto for the nerves. I'm a frequent Pepto abuser, you see, so I know all about that. Maybe it was a blue lozenge, though.

Michael Johns: I want him to eat chocolate off of my stomach.

Now onto the Bryan Adams portion of the evening. David Cook, aka, Daughtry 2.0. He's okay. Robbie Carrico, aka Britney Fucker, sounded pretty good. Jessica Brown, Perrie Cataldo, Syesha Mercado. I'm officially sick of Bryan Adams.

Colton Berry: Not much to say about the singing, but his name makes him sound like a Gossip Girl character.

Kyle Ensley: Reminds me of Dasit from The White Rapper Show, but not as good. Jesus Christ, I watch a lot of reality television.

DAY 3

Suzanne Toon, the single mother who looks like the chick from Lost and Roswell, is out. Pierre Cataldo, the single dad with the cute kid, is also out. Amy Flynn, aka Abstinance Chick or Sparkles, which is my preference, is out, and thank God, because that chick annoys the shit out of me. Later, shrieky. Jeffrey Lampkin and his 300 pounds of jolly are through. Kristy Lee Cook is also through, even though she can only sing one song. Angela Martin, she with the saddest story about the dead dad, is going home, which makes me sad because I really liked her.

DAY 4

David Archuleta: Dug him. This season's whiz kid, I'm guessing.

Kyle Ensley: This season's Kevin Covais, if the judges keep him.

Jeffrey Lampkin: Out.

Joey Catalano: Listening to him made my teeth feel filmy like spinach.

Syesha Mercado: Great legs. Kicked ass. She's through.

Michael Johns: Sang "Bohemian Rhapsody." He rocked it. Not as hard as Suzie McNeil on Rockstar: INXS (Watch it. NOW.), but it's hard to top that. Chocolate. My stomach. Go.

Carly Smithson: Alone. Rocked it.

Asia'H Epperson: Kicked ass. Hard to pull off white pants, but she did.

Brooke Helvie: Her Elle Woods-esque novelty wore off for me. Later, queenie.

Josiah Lemini, aka Cult Kid: Randy and me hated it. Paula and me hated it. Simon called him annoying. I agree. Three yeses anyway. I hated this stupid show sometimes.

Let's see how the Top 24 spoilers we posted are holding up, shall we?

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

I notice there's no Cult Kid on that list, which would make me really, really happy. Fingers crossed that the fucker goes home, er, I mean, to his car.