Recap: Salt Lake City Auditions

Last night's round of screeching tools and modestly-talented peeps took place in the land o' David Archuleta, otherwise known as Salt Lake City. There were lots of mentions of how nice and "aw shucks" the entire city is but not one polygamy joke or reference to creepy compound living. I feel cheated.

Randy Jackson totally didn't know what state he was in and then said some crap about a salted lake. I think. I don't know. As usual, I mostly tuned him out. Paula seemed a little too excited about the city's tie-in with High School Musical. I have no point of reference with that movie so I can't expand on that thought further. Kara didn't really say or do much. And some local girls went nuts over Simon, which restored my faith in the universe as it was completely rocked the previous night with the hero's welcome Randy got in Jacksonville. Note to self: Don't go to Jacksonville. Ever.

Here are the evening's notables:

David Osmond
Performed: "Something Within Me" by Take 6
The last name is not a coincidence. David is the son of Alan Osmond, the big-toothed older brother of Donnie. Oh wait... that just about describes all the Osmonds.

David did a good job. He seems like a nice fella. The judges agreed but not before Paula and Randy gave him some shit about the song he chose. Kara and Simon then chimed in with some more toothless criticism but, really, I think they were told to string him along to create the illusion that he wasn't a shoo-in because of his last name. Oh give me a break. Were they really going to pass up an Osmond and all those potential money shots of Donnie and Marie sitting in the audience cheering him on? Don't insult us.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Tara Mathews
Performed: "One Day I'll Fly Away" from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack
Tara is a goth, by American Idol standards. Which means she scowls a lot and shops at Hot Topic. So cutting edge! Tara also claimed to have ESP. She said she knows when people are going to die. Oddly enough, she didn't foresee the gruesome murder of "One Day I'll Fly Away." Suspect skills there, Tara!

Also, Tara, sweetie, check your lipstick before standing before a panel of judges and millions of home viewers. It was all speckled and cakey-looking. If it was ordered chaos like Robert Smith's, I'd maybe forgive you. But that was a colossal cosmetic failure of Wet 'n' Wild proportions.

Naturally, all the judges thought she was a ridiculous waste of time. Tara sulked out and flipped off the camera while punctuating her obscene gesture with a flatly-delivered, "Word out. Word out." Is that some secret Utah goth lingo that I'm unaware of?

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood and, if I had my druthers, she'd hustle on over to Sephora to get some real lipstick.

Rich Kagel
Performed: ???
I have no idea what Rich attempted to sing. I was too transfixed by his crossed eyes and Cowardly Lion-meet-Vincent-from-Beauty and the Beast-like mane.

Verdict: Denied.

Chris Kirkham
This was the dude with the big pink bunny and the Simon face fan. I've decided that my policy toward such gimmicks is much like that of sporting events on broadcast TV. If some douche runs onto the field or causes a ruckus, the cameras deliberately do not show the perpetrator so as not to encourage copycats. I am hereby adopting the same approach. No further attention from me. Next!

Frankie Jordan
Performed: "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse
There are several contestants every season that I quickly earmark for relentless nitpicking and utter contempt should they make it through to the later rounds. Frankie is already on that list. Better pack a cup, Frankie.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Megan Corkrey
Performed: "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" from Show Boat
Megan was given the back story video treatment, complete with, ew, Collective Soul bed music. When Ryan began his dramatic voice over, I braced myself for a tragic tale of horrific death and/or dismemberment. What cruel fate befell Megan, you ask? Um, she was just divorced. Don't get me wrong -- it sucks and I feel for Megan, I do. I just hate the show's need to create some juicy back story when there isn't one. Stop crying wolf, assholes. And stop inciting some weird sort of blood lust within me where I feel disappointed if there isn't some sort of freak construction accident or something.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Andrew Gibson
Performed: "Oh Let Me Fly" by... uh, I dunno
Andrew wasn't interesting enough for an entire paragraph so I'm going to rehash my live tweet: Andrew = Pimply Ray Romano. That's all you need to know.

Verdict: Nobody loved Raymond.

Austin Sisneros
Performed: "When I Look to the Sky" by Train and "It Takes a Village" by Raffi
Austin is the senior class president of what looks like a nerdier version of Rydell High. But instead of greased-up burnouts, it's a gang of sweater-clad, over-achieving geeks who lettered in debate and student government running the school.

Austin said he auditioned "to inspire people and to tell them it's okay to follow their dreams." Um, because there weren't thousands of people already turning out in cities across the country to do this for the past eight seasons? Thanks for blazing the trail, Austin!

Ugh, what a douche.

Despite selecting "the worst songs so far," according to Simon, Austin made it through. The judges thought he was charming and likable. I personally wanted to kick him square in the balls.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood and joining Frankie Jordan at the top of my shit list.

Taylor Vaifanua
Performed: "Joyful Joyful" by, um... a church choir near you
The only thing I really remember about this audition is that Taylor is 5'11" and she did a wee hula dance. Oh, and Kara saw Taylor practicing in the bathroom a few times so that meant that Taylor "really want[ed] it." And here I thought it just meant that Taylor and Kara were on the same pee-pee schedule.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Rose Fleck
Performed: "I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King
At last! A heart-tugging back story and not some half-baked bullshit! Rose's father passed away when she was 13. Her mother died two years later in a car accident, which is truly awful. But now Rose lives with her best friend's family and they're one big, happy and supportive extended family. It warms my cold, dead heart, it does.

I can't say I loved her singing voice, but what she lacked in vocal power, she made up for with charm. The judges agreed and unanimously shipped her off to Hollywood.

Up next: New York City and San Juan and then that's it for auditions! Bring on the caterwauling, crying and catfights of Hollywood Week!

Recap: Louisville Auditions

Sorry so late with this recap. I'm still suffering from an Inauguration hangover. No, I wasn't among the throngs celebrating in Washington D.C. (sadly). Instead, I was working into the wee hours of the morning helping report on really important stuff... like who designed Michelle's outfits throughout the day (Isabel Toledo and Jason Wu, respectively). I hate that my already-cluttered and increasingly-feeble mind is bogged down with information like this.

Speaking of, I'm listening to the iTunes right now and it's on a truly random shuffle. While I'm sad to report that I'm prone to misplacing things like keys and eyeglasses mere moments after setting them down, I can still remember every single solitary word to "Science Fiction/Double Feature" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack. And I can give that Barry Bostwick a real run for his money with "Dammit Janet." Seriously, Barry. Suck it. I gots to find myself some Rocky-related karaoke. It's a shame to let a talent like this go to waste.

I suppose I should start recapping the show, huh? But auditions are soooooooo boring. I would so rather talk about musicals centered around horny transsexual alien scientists who build beautiful men they can gay deflower mere minutes after their "birth"... Alas, that's not what I'm not paid to do here. Sigh. Okay, so... on with the show.

Last night's 60 minutes of torture came to us from Churchill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky. After being schooled by the locals on the proper way to pronounce their fine city (some crap about sounding like you need to clear a big ol' loog in your throat) we were beaten over the head with every Kentucky Derby reference known to man. Ew and then footage of people doing air guitar. I wanted to die. Correction: I wanted to kill those assholes first... and then die.

Here are the hi- and lowlights:

Tiffany Shedd
Performed: "Hero" by Mariah Carey
Let's go ahead and add Tiffany to the pile of talentless schmucks with absolutely no idea how bad they actually are. Tiffany's parents were there lending their full support, as they no doubt have done throughout Tiffany's life. They probably show up at school every time Tiffany does poorly on a test and they yell at the teacher and complain to the principal and try to get the poor teacher fired. Because the problem is never Tiffany. It's everyone else. Not their precious Tiffany. It's no coincidence that in addition to a horrendous singing voice, Tiffany's makeup looked like it was applied by a visually impaired hooker who time traveled from the Meatpacking District in the 80s. It's not Tiffany's lack of makeup skill, you see. The mirror, like everyone else, lies and distorts.

Verdict: So NOT going to Hollywood. Possible institutionalization after pleading insanity when brought up on double homicide charges. Her parents never saw it coming.

Joanna Pacitti
Performed: "We Belong" by Pat Benatar
I'm not sure if it was because we were informed that Joanna was signed (and then released by) A&M Records that I was expecting the girl to blow me out of the water but really, she didn't do much for me. But Kara liked her and so did everyone else. Paula thought she was "worthy" which kind of threw me because it was both a tepid and succinct response. Those are not things I associate with Paula. However, I think Paula's economic turn of phrase was courtesy of a good edit in post-production.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood

Mark Mudd
Performed: "White Lightning" by George Jones
Mark Mudd is a descendent of Dr. Mudd, the dude who fixed John Wilkes Booth's leg after he injured it jumping from the balcony right after pumping Abraham Lincoln full of lead. Turns out, people don't take kindly to physicians who reset the legs of presidential assasins so keep that in mind, you bloody do-gooders! Before fashioning a splint for someone, check their hands for gunpowder or, you know, ask them if they've just murdered any public officials. If not, it's the clink for you! And, even worse, your last name will be used in a putdown that will be passed down through the ages. When you hear that someone's "name is mud," you can thank Mark's great-great-great grandpappy or whatever. Oh, also... Mark said he "almost died five times." I know I'm not supposed to giggle when someone says something like that but well... sorry, can't help myself.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood. If Paula had her way, he'd be locked up. See, when leaving the audition, Mark issued a rather unfortunate salutation: "Be careful in whatever you do." Um, I'm pretty sure he was trying to say "Take care" but all those trips toward the light probably short-circuited something along the way. Paula was all, "That was a threat" but no one really seemed to care. Security didn't exactly pounce on the guy and then even Paula grew bored of her mock indignation and didn't pursue it any further.

Brent Keith Smith
Performed: "Can't Get Enough" by Bad Company
Decent singing voice but he looked a bit too much like Spencer Pratt for my liking. And Paula was all too happy to be his Heidi Whatsherface. She had that look in her eye... the very same look she gave Constantine Maroulis and Ace Young everytime they took the stage. A look that said, "I wish I had a tongue like a lizard so I could quickly roll it out, lick you and retract it all without leaving this here table... not because I'm lazy, mind you, but because the Oxycontin hasn't kicked in yet and I've the jimmy legs, so we'll both have to settle for a remote licking."

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Patrick Warner
Performed: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson
Patrick wore a big-ass white t-shirt with his name on it in big block letters. It was a really unfortunate clothing choice, for many reasons, but mostly because it made him look just like Martha Dumptruck. Swap out "Patrick" for "Big Fun" and we'd have ourselves a dead ringer.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood. Possible herniated disks caused by pressure and strain from ill-advised pelvic thrusting.

Matt Giraud
Performed: "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw
Matt told us that he was a "dueling piano player." He then explained what it was but I missed most of his explanation because I was too busy thinking about the weird-looking kid from the "Dueling Banjos" scene in Deliverance, which then made me think of the scene where Ned Beatty was told to squeal like a pig and, from there, it usually takes me a good 30 minutes to return from the dark, scary place I go to whenever I think of Ned Beatty's dimply white ass being violated by overall-clad hillbillies with heroin teeth.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Ross Plavsic
Performed: "Cara Mia" by Jay and the Americans
Ross was a dorky fellow with a tremendous set of buckteeth and a penchant for discovering repeating patterns in Asian lettering. Like, for fun. I feel all smart when I can find a four-letter word in Facebook's Scramble application and here he's deciphering codes and algorithms in another language. He still can't sing for shit but, uh, I guess that hobby of his will pay off... somehow.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood... or getting laid. Ever.

Alexis Grace
Performed: "Dr. Feelgood" by Aretha Franklin
She was good but she pinged my "Possibly Annoying" meter for some reason. Jury's out though. I could issue a retraction down the road. Or an I told you so. We'll see. The judges all gave her pass to Hollywood. Kara took it a step further and issued these words of advice: "Don't wear pink" and "Make love to your fiance." Alexis then reported Kara to American Idol Human Resources and Kara is currently undergoing sensitivity training where she has to watch those poorly-acted reenactments of sexual harrassment usually involving an unwanted neck/shoulder massage in the pantry.

Aaron Williamson
Performed: "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" by Credence Clearwater Revival
Aaron was the dude who went "Woooooooooooooooooooooo!" a lot. And I'm not going to lie to you... before he started to sing, I was buying into his confidence. I was supremely annoyed by his enthusiasm, of course, but he totally snowed me into thinking he had the goods to back up all his hysterical hooting and hollering. And well, he didn't. He sounded like John Fogerty... if John Fogerty was in desperate need of Colace while yell-singing from a burning building.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood.

Rebecca Garcia
Performed: "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
This was laughably bad. So comical in its crapitude that Kara suggested it was all a big goof. See, Kara skimmed the background notes and saw that Rebecca was voted "Most Humorous" in high school and, naturally, that can only mean one thing -- Rebecca Garcia was really Howie Mandel in disguise. Kara was all "J'accuse!" and was trying to get the judges to see they were all being punked by Howie in drag. And that's precisely when Rebecca's lip started to tremble and then came the tears and it was apparent to everyone, including a horrified Kara, that Rebecca was, in fact, earnest in her attempt. And then Kara felt like a tremendous douche and was hustled back into sensitivity training as soon as production wrapped for the day.

Leneshe Young
Peformed: "Natty" (Original song)
Damn! An original song that didn't suck. I loved Leneshe and so did all the judges. Unless she chokes during Hollywood Week, I think we'll see her in the Top 12.

And that's that. Come back next week for more bitching and complaining about the auditions. Only two more to go!

Recap: Kansas City Auditions

Wow, it's only episode two and the audition fatigue has already set in. BIG TIME. This is going to be a long season. So, let's dispense with the filler and get to some scathing critique, shall we?

Chelsea Marquardt
Murdered: "Without You"
I don't really know what to say about this. In my notes I wrote, "Ahhhhhhh!" and "Wooooooo!" which, I think, was an approximation of Chelsea's voice. I'd say she attempted several runs but I usually collapse into a giggling fit whenever I hear that term. For the record, I don't find it nearly all that funny when I've got them though. Not funny at all.

Where was I? Oh right... Speaking of shit, Chelsea's voice was unanimously dismissed by the judges. Simon likened it to "A cat jumping off the Empire State Building and the noise it would make before hitting the floor. If that makes sense." Yes, Simon, total. Then Randy tried to horn in on Simon's comment with some crap about a siren. Shut up, Randy.

Verdict: No chance in hell of going to Hollywood.

Ashley Anderson
Performed: "Footprints in the Sand"
Ashley scored instant brownie points by picking a song cowritten by Simon... and then she pissed them away when she mangled the lyric. She was all, "Blah blah blah footsteps in the sand" and Simon busted out his inner school marm and corrected her. Fortunately for her, she managed to bounce back and turn in a pretty good performance.

Verdict: Hollywood-bound.

Totally random observation: Ashley' has the same hairstyle as Creepella Gruesome from "The Flintstones."

Brian Hettler
Butchered: "Think"
With Brian's claims to have an opera background and his leather queen wardrobe, I couldn't help but think of Rob Halford. When he started to sing, I issued an immediate mental apology to Rob Halford. Brian opened his mouth and out came this super thick horrific voice. My voice sounded like that once... when I had strep throat so bad that all my sisters had to take a cycle of antibiotics. It sounded like I was gargling pudding when I spoke. But at least I had mold growing on my throat at the time. What was his excuse?!

No surprise here: The judges told him he sucked and Brian sulked out. "He looks NOT happy" observed Kara. I saw the look in his eyes and it was beyond unhappiness, Kara. It was more like, "I've made note of where you are all staying in Kansas City and I will chop you up into teeny tiny pieces using my fat lady opera spear."

Verdict: No Hollywood. Possible life prison sentence.

Von Smith
Yelled: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
I hate him. He's this season's Annoying Kid Who Lived in His Car. What was his name again?! Something kinda God-squad-ish. Jebediah? Um yeah, I really don't care enough to open a new browser tab and look it up. But him.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood, much to my dismay.

Random observation: At this point in the program, Kara has already said "package" and "big instrument." Methinks Kara has penis envy.

Michael Castro
Performed: "In Love with a Girl"
This is Jason Castro's completely baked brother. Dude can't even remember how old he is. I see many flubbed lyrics in his future. You know, assuming he even remembers to go to Hollywood. It's not like he can rely on his older brother to remind him.

Verdict: He made it though. And Kara called him "ballsy." Again with the weiner talk, Kara. What's your deal?

Matt Breitzke
Performed: "Ain't No Sunshine"
Matt is a welder. Matt is no stranger to the nighttime bar scene. Matt is Alex Owens.

Verdict: Matt and his leg warmers are going to Hollywood.

Jasmine "Jazz" Joseph
Butchered: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
Jasmine paid homage to Judy Garland with her take on this song... a drugged-out, boozed-soaked Judy Garland. God that was rough. Randy does a "look over yonder" type dance that only he thinks is amusing. And I suppose a few assholes at home do too. But I hate those people. They're the people who watch "Two and Half Men." And not in syndication either. I'm talking first-run episodes here.

Verdict: Yeah, no, Jazz. No.

Jessica Paige Furney
Performed: "Crybaby"
She's a good granddaughter and from the town in Kansas where The Wizard of Oz took place.

Verdict: Headed to Hollywood. Cue The Wizard of Oz references ad nauseam up to and including when she finally gets the boot and/or wins the whole damn thing.

Asia & India McClain
Performed: An original rap called "Cookies"
Apparently it was an ode to Randy. They said something about taking a shit so, uh, yeah... that's about right.

Verdict: One made it through. One didn't and, uh, I totally forgot which one is which. But it's the one who kinda looks like Pairs Bennett. She's in.

Jamar Rogers
Performed: "California Dreaming"
Randy said it was overdone. Paula said it was too loud and fell off pitch. Simon called it corny. And then they all said yes.

Verdict: Jamar is going to Hollywood and I'm totally confused.

Danny Gokey
Performed: "I Heard It through the Grapevine"
I saw Danny crying into the camera in one of the "Coming Up" promos and I was all ready to be dismissive... and then I found out the reason he was crying. The poor guy lost his wife four weeks before the audition.

Verdict: He legitimately knocked it out of the park and is deservedly going to Hollywood. Good for him.

Anoop Desai
Performed: "Thank You"
He was really good, even though he looked like the kid who wheeled the projector into the classroom in high school.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood sans A/V equipment.

Up next: A waste-of-time "Signed Sealed Delivered" shame reel.

And now back to the audtions...

Andrew Lang
Massacred: "My Girl"
I hate him and his stupid cheerleaders and I will waste no more time on him.
Verdict: Bounced.

Asa Barnes
Performed: "The Way You Make Me Feel"
Very nice. Not all the memorable of a performance but his cheeky answer to Simon's questioning of his song choice ("Because I liked it") helped him through.

Verdict: I just told you it helped him through, duh.

Michael Nicewonder
Not touching this one with a 10-foot pole. Poor guy.

Okay, losing steam here so let's barrel through the rest:

Dennis Brigham
"Sang": "With You"

Verdict: He annoyed and harassed his way through to Hollywood.

Mia Conley
Screeched: "Loving You"
Not very good at singing but she's got that smiting and threatening God's wrath thing down cold.

Verdict: Headed home to pray for the violent demise of Simon, Randy, Paula, Kara, the dry cleaners who shrunk her cashmere and the chick who cut her off in the Sonic parking lot.

Lil Rounds
Performed: "All I Do"
Mom of three. Victim of a tornado. Awesome singer.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood. Probably will be in the Top 12.

And I've got about a minute of battery life left so that is all. Bring on Hollywood Hell Week already, dammit.

Season Finale (Part 1): Recap

Wow, so I wasn't so far off last week when I guessed that the Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumble! guy was in the audience. I'm a little shocked at my accuracy 'cause I totally pulled that out of my ass. I should really fish around in there for some number combinations and then take a crack at this week's Lotto. It's not everyone who has a magical, soothsaying rear end, you know.

Anyhoo, the annoying announcer was there to kick off a night of belabored boxing references. I still don't quite understand how Andrew Lloyd Webber fit into the picture... unless, of course, you factor in all the critics and nay-sayers who would be all too happy to beat his ass down. Yes, me included. Actually, I'd prefer to wrestle him a steel cage match. Just 'cause.

So, in the red corner or whatever, was David Cook who bounced around and punched at the air with credible skill and effect. Less successful was wee David Archuleta who just sort of flung his arms up over his head and bounded uncomfortably toward the center of the stage. I'm not the least bit surprised that Cook's was the better result since he merely did what he's been doing all season long -- copying someone else's work. In this case, Carl Weathers'.

First Round: Song Selection by Rudy Giuliani, er, I mean, Clive Davis

David Cook: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2
Save for one ill-advised "C'mon!" I was happy to see that Cook left the arrangement intact and sung a faithful rendition of the original. I totally didn't hate it. Nor did Randy who dubbed it "Hot, baby!" Paula went the obvious route and told David that he was "what we're looking for." Um, speak for yourself there, Paula. Simon rounded out the love fest calling the performance "phenomenal."

David Archuleta: "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Elton John
Um, I can't believe I'm going to say this but I thought David Cook smoked wee David in this round. The judges disagreed. Randy upped the temperature to "Molten hot!" whereas Paula's nips were at attention because wee David had given her the chills. Simon weighed in with his signature fake-out where he started off by saying something ominous and then ended up planting a a big wet one on Archuleta.

Result: Round One to Archuleta.

Second Round: Song Contest Selections

Cook: "Dream Big" by Emily Shackleton
I did not enjoy that. Then again, I never enjoy these original songs. And, ew, this one sounded a lot like Survivor. If there's one thing worse than a Survivor song (save for "Eye of the Tiger") it's a song that merely sounds like a Survivor song. Seriously, is the Survivor sound something anyone needs to emulate? What's next? A Mr. Mister cover band?

Wow, the very idea of that just sent a cold shiver up and down my spine.

Archuleta: "In This Moment" by Ryan Gilmore
I knew before he even opened his mouth that Archuleta would take this round. He's all about the uplifting cheese and well, so are the dildos who apply for this fucking contest.

Result: Cook shouldn't have even bothered.

Third Round: Contestant's Choice

I thought for sure Cook would handily win this round because, while his arrangements aren't all that original (despite misguided popular opinion), he has been very good at picking different showcase-y songs for his voice and style. Um yeah, not tonight.

He opted for "The World I Know" by Collective Soul... Dude, Collective Soul? Really? Why? Even more surprising was that he maintained an even, quiet pace throughout. He didn't resort to his usual slow-build-then-screamy-big-finish as he's done pretty much every week prior. As a result, he was met with subdued praise by the judges... Well, the two judges who didn't want to jump his bones. You see, Paula's cooch speaks for her when Cook is on the stage so I'm not even going to dignify her verbal queefs, if you will, with further analysis.

Randy called it "very nice" but Simon thought he should have reprised "Billie Jean" or "Hello." He also called Cook one of the nicest contestants ever and then immediately looked pissed and regretful when Cook opined about his time on the show being "a progression" and therefore, he didn't want to repeat himself. Simon prefers when you feign modesty with the namaste-like bows, David. I'd tell you to make note but well, too late!

David Archuleta smartly trotted out "Imagine" one last time, sans the blasphemous first verse. Randy was all "You're the best singer ever! Woooooooooooooooooooooo! Did I mention you could sing the phone book?! Wooooooooooooooooooo!" Paula claimed to be speechless even though nonsensical words continued to fall out her mouf. Lots of them. Simon informed us that we had just witnessed a knock-out. I was all, "Um, okay" but then I promptly picked up the phone and voted for David Archuleta like a million times. He's persuasive, that Simon.

However, according to most of you, my votes are in vain. Our poll (live until 8PM EST tomorrow) currently has David Cook spanking both Archuleta and apathy. There's still time to reverse it! Clear your cookies and vote again! Or else, I may very well toss mine.

Top 3: Results Show

Well, that was a pointless exercise. I'm not even going give you people on the west coast a spoiler alert because, really, are the results even surprising? The Davids advance while Syesha is Sarasota-bound.

Starting off the colossal waste of time was the group sing. This week's ritual slaughter was "Ain't No Stopping Us Now," complete with choreography! You know, for a supposed bad ass rocker, David Cook looked all too game and comfortable doing the retarded dance steps. Lame-o.

Before cutting to a commercial, the camera panned the audience revealing some gray-hair who I think, but don't quote me, was the "Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuumble!" dude. Oh, and David Hernandez. Man, I totally forgot about that guy and the accompanying gay non-scandalous scandal.

After the commercial, Season 3 winner, Fantasia, took the stage sporting a shade of lipstick that miraculously matched her shock of hot pink hair. Her performance of "Bore Me" was... um... actually, here's Simon's reaction which I think says it all:

Incredulous.

Up next, the journeys home. It was at this time that my cable decided it was time to resume its recent habit of freezing up, pixelating and warping the picture and then jumping ahead, leaving entire blocks of time in its wake. Actually, come to think of it, I think this is probably what it feels like to be Paula Abdul.

So, I missed most of David Archuleta's return to Murray, Utah and a good chunk of Syesha's time in the Tampa area. I did catch the mayor of Sarasota, Lou Ann Palmer, doing a handstand, of all things. You KNOW she's been practicing that since Syesha got her golden ticket.

Unfortunately, my cable stopped crapping out just in time for the David Cook coronation in Blue Springs, MO which was characterized by lots of screaming girls and David dramatically dabbing the tears from his eyes. Pussy.

And then, finally, after about 58 minutes of time-wasting nonsense, we arrived at the most anti-climatic decision since poor Kimberly Locke had to pretend she had actually had a shot at toppling either Ruben Studdard or Clay Aiken way back in Season 2. Syesha Mercado accepted her fate without tears nor invoking the memory of the civil rights movement. That, perhaps, was the most shocking thing of all.

So, to summarize for you skimmers and/or dolts, your Top 2 are David Archuleta and... yaaaaaaaaawn... David Cook. My money's on Archuleta. What do you think?

more at twiigs.com...

Predictions

Question:
So who do you ladies' think is going to win this thing?

Jess says:
I think the Davids will make up the final two, and my money's on creepy David Archuleta to win the whole thing. What? He's creepy. Don't front. You know he is -- you just don't want to say it out loud because he's sunshine and rainbows and puppies and if you say it, it's like you're kicking a puppy. Luckily, I kick puppies all the time so I'm fine with it. In fact, I'm kicking one right now. The judges have been ramming Archuleta down our throats like Harry Reems to Linda Lovelace all season. Why? I don't know. Is he more marketable than smarmy David Cook? I don't think so. Is he more talented than Syesha Mercado? Again, I don't think so. Are 12-year-old girls the only demographic record labels care about these days? Maybe. Can we have Jason Castro back? Please?

Curly McDimple says:
In seasons past, I've had super strong feelings about my desired American Idol. For example, the fact that I didn't douse myself with gasoline and strike a match when Taylor "The Tard" Hicks beat my beloved Tits McPhee is nothing short of a miracle.

During Season Two, I damn near gave myself calluses voting for the otherwise unremarkable… uh…. What's his face? Big fat guy with limited breathing ability and high blood pressure? Ruben Studdard! Yeah, that's it! Sure, he had a decent set of pipes but that's not why he got my vote. It was my utter contempt for Clay Aiken that made me incur a ridiculous amount of texting fees on my AT&T bill in support of Sir Wheezes-a-Lot.

Sadly, this season, I have no fire in mah belly nor a deep, abiding hatred of anyone. Sure, I think David Cook is an arrangement-pilfering douche with an unhealthy relationship with a straightening iron. And perhaps I believe that Syesha Mercado's greatest post-Idol achievement will be landing the role of Patty Simcox's swing in a production of Grease in Branson, MO. And maybe, just maybe, I firmly believe with all of my heart that wee David Archuleta is going to snap one day and take a knitting needle or a pair of scissors to Jeff Archuleta's voice box after he pooh-poohed David's reworking of "Every Heartbeat" from Amy Grant's cross-over album, Heart In Motion. She's such a polarizing trollop, that Amy Grant.

Not that I've given this all that much thought, you see…

But, honestly, I don't have much of an interest in who is going to win this year. It's anyone's game, really. And by anyone, I mean Davids Archuleta and Cook. Sorry, Syesha, you're toast this week. Between the Davids, I really couldn't give two shits, but, if I had my druthers, I'd say that wee David Archuleta's shrieking fan base will give him the edge. I also predict that Jeff Archuleta should secure all sharp objects within reach and sleep with one eye open.

Lizz says:
I'm going with smarm-boat David Cook for the win, if only because I truly believe David Archuleta's pop isn't going to let him perform in the finals--you know he's going to get in a flying rage and go all Daddy Dearest on us in the last episode, when he'll insist on taking the stage and singing those songs himself because poor little David can't be trusted not to screw up their, er, his dreams of winning it all and succeeding in the music biz, yes, that's right, David's dreams.

Maybe if David A is lucky his dad will let him work the spotlight during the final number...no wait, on second thought, I don't think he can be trusted to do that either, better let dad take care of it.

Mejack says:
All I would say is that I want to set Syesha on fire.

Recap: Top 5 Results

Like, I know Neil Diamond is a legend and crap but I have to say, this week's show? Not so memorable. Perhaps I was just distracted by all the shiny sequins on Neil's shirts in the tribute montage thingy.

Is it just me or was that sequence quite heavy on The Jazz Singer clips? I think I need to add that movie to my Netflix queue. I haven't seen it in ages. I remember Laurence of Arabia played the disapproving father in it. Oh wait, or was it Laurence Olivier as the grumpy dad? Whatever. I DO remember that Lucie Arnaz was in it because I'm random like that.

Anyhoo, Idol... yeah, so last night's show wasn't much to blog about... as you can see by the dearth of recaps up in here. Paula's retardation was the only stand-out and well, that's not exactly news now is it?

In tonight's installment, we wasted a good 15 minutes or so on the medley (no "America"! Thank you, David Archuleta!), recaps from the previous night and then an extended promo for So You Think You Can Dance. I won't bitch about the latter too much since Mejack and Jess will kick my ass but good. They're big ol' fans, see.

After the commercial break, the producers made a half-assed attempt at suspense by lumping David Cook, Brooke White and Syesha Mercado in the at-risk group. If you really wanted to dick us around, Idol powers-that-be, you could have sent Syesha to safety first and made David sweat it out a little bit. But noooooooooooo. He of the ridiculous hair was released to the couches right away. Actually, he was soon followed by the two doomed broads because this was only 24 minutes into the broadcast and filler comes before fate, girls!

Helping to stretch out the broadcast:

• A performance by Natasha Bedingfield
• More stupid viewer calls including one from a Ms. Tara Miller, Simon's first kiss at the ripe old age of 9 (Go Simon!)
• A performance by Neil Diamond, sans sparkly shirt
• A drawn-out post-performance Q&A conducted by Ryan who was no doubt dutifully obeying the director's order to stretch

And then, finally, the results. Brooke was already crying by the time she and Syesha made it to the center of the stage. Ryan, sensing her increasingly delicate state -- and not wanting to be blamed for her mental collapse -- delivered the news quickly and mercifully... Brooke was the next to go. Hit it, Ruben!

Brooke's tribute clip and sing-out actually made me sad. I felt for the girl. Sure, she made me uncomfortable week after week to the point of painful itching, but I didn't hate her or anything. And really, that's what these kids are really striving for, right? Record deal, schmecord deal. Staying off my shit is the ultimate goal for any worthwhile American Idol candidate.

Paula, Paula, Paula

Recap's a-comin' folks but for now, I thought I'd resurrect one of last season's weekly features on American Midol: The Paula Abdul Insanity Index.

Girlfriend more than earned this cheeky repeat last night when she critiqued Jason Castro's second song... before he even sang it. She looked beyond befuddled as Randy and Simon tried to steer her back into the land of sanity. That was an exercise in futility, boys.

So I'm giving Paula a 9 this week. She deserved a 10 but, well, I don't have the Photoshop file here at work so I'm recycling an image from last year. How very green of me!

More to come!

Recap: Bullshit Results

This show officially disgusts me. First, we were beaten senseless with a nasty, off-key "All I Ask of You" group sing complete with Sir Andrew's piano accompaniment. My that man has an awkward relationship with the camera, doesn't he though?! When not gesturing like a goon, he had a tendency to expose his bottom lip and flash his his lower set of yellowing teeth. Tres chimp-like. His behavior tonight has all but guaranteed insomnia in my immediate future.

Even more disturbing was that the two strongest performers from the previous night -- Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson -- ended up in the bottom two. Such horse shit.

So, tonight we said goodbye to Carly Smithson but here's what we have to look forward to: a possible "America/Sweet Caroline" group medley during Neil Diamond week, at least one more Brooke meltdown, several more pinched arrangements from David Cook as well as dry-lipped-open-eyed David Archuleta performances. Lucky us.

.

Recap: Unexpected Song[s]

That title is for you theater geeks up in the hizzy. Song and Dance, represent!

Ahem. So last night was Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol, something I had dreaded even more than Mariah's appearance. I'm soundly in the Stephen Sondheim camp, you see. Sir Andrew is a right wanker, yo.

While I was totally expecting some of the contestants to tank, I will admit that many of them surprised me with their song choices. No one performed what I expected. For example, I thought for sure that Brooke White would tackle "Memory" and that David Cook would unleash the screamy on something from Jesus Christ, Superstar whereas David Archuleta would serve up some extra cheese via Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Syesha defied my Evita expectations and Jason Castro... oh, Jason Castro... why didn't he tackle something light like "Any Dream Will Do"? I think he would have done a great job with it. Instead, he took on a song that requires a serious belt and, you know, a vagina. Although, his "I didn't know it was sung by a cat" exclamation elicited an actual guffaw from yours truly. Priceless.

Poor Brooke White took yet another header off her once-comfy perch. She is just losing it. Even Paula was without sympathy and, for several seconds, speech. But then after a long pause, Paula returned to form with incoherent babble and she was all, "You need to make shit up when you forget the lyrics!" Really, do we want to use this woman as a model of what to do when put on the spot in front of millions?

Seriously though? Does anyone think it's wise to follow Paula's advice to just say "what's in your heart" when words fail? She does that shit week in and week out and look how well THAT'S worked out for her. Shut up, Paula. Just shut up.

Uh, what else? Oh right, celebs in the audience! Just like Jess, I spotted Paul Stanley but, unlike Jess, I thought he looked more like Mercedes Ruehl than Joan Rivers. Either way, his appearance is alarming. I dare say the KISS Army had a few defectors after that quick pan o' the camera.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Brooke White, Jason Castro, Syesha Mercado
Going Home: I don't agree with this but it might just be Syesha because of the one-two punch of Vote for the Worst and the sympathy vote for Brooke.

Top 10: Recap

Tonight's show had the contestants singing songs from the year they were born. At one point, I was all, "Duh, why not just make the theme be 1987?!" since it seemed everyone was born that year. Alas, I was wrong. Dude, David Archuleta was born in 1990. That means, he's the same age as my friend's son... the friend who had to miss the prom because she was, you know, giving birth. Crazy.

But, once again, enough about me and on with the show...

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "Alone" by Heart (1987)

When will these kids learn? DON'T TOUCH THIS SONG. EVER! Why? I'll tell you why. Actually, scratch that... I'll show you why! Behold!

Just look at wee Carrie Underwood all "aw shucks" and Okie-d out before the song and then she takes the stage and HOT DAMN, that vocal is a thing of a magic. Even Nancy and Ann Wilson gave her their blessing by performing the song with her. That song is officially marked. No one else best come sniffing around it again. Capiche, Ramiele?

Randy and Simon agreed and quickly smacked Ramiele down. Paula dissented and told Ramiele she was "really sick" which I think was a compliment? Not sure. Whatever, it sucked and Ramiele is in danger, girl.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Fragile" by Sting (1987)

Happy Birthday, Jason! I really like what he did with this song. He was back with the guitar which suits him well. I think he's way more comfortable when using it. Randy and Paula thought he played it safe. Simon wasn't at all impressed and told Jason to take the competition more seriously. Jason's response? A half-hearted promise to do so and his trademark goofy grin. God, I love him.

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "If I Was Your Woman" by Stephanie Mills (1987)

She's starting to work my nerves. Her singing is okay but her pre-performance interviews really make me want to punch her in the face. I can't say much about her performance because I was too busy playing with a flashlight pen I got from Yahoo. It's so cool! It projects a Bat Symbol-like Y! on the wall. Intriguing!

Um, what was I saying? Oh, right. Syesha's song... Randy and Paula gushed. Simon told her there was a "limit on [her] vocal" and the song "strained it a bit." Again, I was distracted by a shiny object -- literally -- so I don't have much of an opinion but I'll err on the side of logic and sanity and say I agree with Simon.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "If Only for One Night" by Luther Vandross (1985)

Man, I hated this. In my notes, I wrote the word "boring" with a lot of extra Os. Imagine my surprise when Randy issued the same critique. He even elongated the first syllable. Shocking! I think I'm more disturbed when Randy echoes my opinions than when Paula does.

Paula fawned over the performance but Simon wasn't impressed. After several weeks of exuberant performances and major image repair, Chikezie shot it all to shit by getting defensive when Simon took him to task for being cheesy by reaching into the audience and working the crowd. He got all pissy and said, "That's who I'm singing it for! I'm sorry!"

You're not sorry, Fat Alfonso Ribeiro, and I predict that bit of cheekiness will land your ass in the Bottom Three.

Brooke White
Performed: "Every Breath You Take" by The Police (1983)

Good thing Brooke's likable. She totally missed her cue from Ryan to start the song and then when she did, she stopped and started over. But she recovered nicely and delivered a solid performance. Randy and Simon didn't like that midway through, the band joined in on Brooke's solo piano and sped up the tempo. Paula offered somewhat restrained praise.

At this point, I turned my attention from the flashlight to doodling palm trees in the margins of my notebook. These 90-minute shows and my short attention span are just not compatible.

Michael Johns
Performed: "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions" by Queen (1978)

This had great potential to be corny but Michael really worked it out. Also, his knee-bending and mic-handling histrionics were somewhat limited tonight which was a nice change. Of course, there's a chance I missed them because I had a wee giggle fit during the song because I remembered how I used to change the lyrics to: "And we'll keep on farting 'til the end." I always thought I was heeeee-larious whenever I did that. And by whenever, I mean just last week.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler (1983)

I thought this was awesome, save for the last note which was all over the place. Up until that point, I thought it was a controlled, masterful performance of a tough song to sing. Of course, I'm basing the level of difficulty on my own attempts to sing this song which, believe you me, have not been successful. Whoever said that everyone sounds good in the shower is a lying sack of crap.

Paula gave Carly pretty good grades but Randy and Simon were unfairly harsh. Poor Carly looked stunned up there. I really don't know why they were so hard on her. It's okay, Carly, I voted for you. Go raibh maith agat!

David Archuleta
Performed: "You're the Voice" by John Farnham (1990)

It was a decent vocal but the lyrics were so earnest and, you know, uplifting that my hardened, cynical ass couldn't help but squirm. Randy and Paula both thought it was nice but Simon redeemed himself from his earlier Carly assassination by characterizing David's performance as something out of a theme park. If I had to guess, that theme park would have been Heritage USA.

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood (1984)

She's crafty, that Kristy Lee Cook. Given the subject matter, it's really hard to pick on her for poor song choice. Also, I'm pretty certain that this is her go-to up-tempo song in her limited canon. When the situation calls for a ballad, she dusts off "Amazing Grace," but for all other occasions, she's proud to be an American. Well played, Kristy Lee Cook.

All three judges praised it highly with Simon predicting that it was good enough to keep her in the competition. Then again, no big surprise there since Kristy Lee is the new Vote for the Worst pick.

David Cook
Performed: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson (1982)

Because David has been given credit for lifted arrangements week after week, Ryan finally cited the source for tonight's variation on a well-known song: Chris Cornell. Apparently, Randy, Paula and Simon all had shit in their ears when Ryan did that because they still fell all over themselves telling David how "original" and "brilliant" and "brave" and "amazing" he was.

That's such horse shit!!!! He's a good cover artist! He's not a musical genius of motherfucking Prince-like proportions. He's a good mimic but so is Rich Little, for fuck's sake! If this keeps up, I WILL have an aneurysm.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Ramiele Malubay, Chikezie and Kristy Lee Cook
Going Home: Toss-up between Ramiele and Chikezie. I'll say Ramiele because she totally pissed me off with her "It went bye-bye" baby talk when asked about her voice. Retard. Be gone!

Top 11: Results

I could lie and tell you that I knew exactly who was going to be sent home tonight but I'd be a lying sack of shit if I did that. I never actually posted my predictions this week but had I done so, I would have once again waved buh-bye to Kristy Lee Cook. I would have also predicted that Syesha and Ramiele would be sitting alongside her in the Stools o' Shame nervously awaiting their fate. Had I done so, my average would have sunken lower than... uh... you know, something really low. But I didn't go on record so my average stays the same... which isn't saying much.

And now, on with the show...

Ryan opens the show by planting yet another big wet one on the collective Beatles ass and then segues into a promo for the other notable names who will loom large this season. Serving as mentors in upcoming episodes, we can expect: Dolly "Can't See Her Shoes Either" Parton, Mariah Carey, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Neil Diamond.

Oh man, the Andrew Lloyd Webber show is going to be a complete cheese fest. Ten bucks says David Cook will pick something from Jesus Christ Superstar. I further predict that the girls will seriously duke it out over which one gets to sing "Memory" from Cats. The fur, as they say, will fly.

Next up was the horrendous medley portion of the program where we heard snippets of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," "Here, There and Everywhere," "Because" and "The End." During Kristy Lee Cook's brief solo, the camera jerked violently to the left totally robbing her of precious face time. I thought for sure it was a sign of things to come. Sigh.

Right before the commercial, there's a shot of previous also-rans Kevin Covais and John Peter Lewis clapping it up in the audience. Kevin grew out his hair and was sporting some thick-framed glasses. He sort of looks like that yelly dude in the commercials who wears a suit with all those question marks on it and really wants you to buy his book so you can figure out how to claim money the government supposedly owes you. Yeah, him.

After the commercial, we're face with the first bit of annoying padding to help fill out the hour -- a replay of songs from the previous night. Finally, Ryan cut to the chase and started announcing the results:

Brooke White = Safe
Carly Smithson = Bottom Three! Whoa, so not expecting that!
David Archuleta = Duh, safe
Michael Johns = Safe

More padding: Behind the scenes of the Ford video shoot. I find these things insipid so I'm not going to comment any further than the song was "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash.

More results, thank God...

David Cook = Safe. Fuck it all to hell.
Kristy Lee Cook = Bottom Three
Jason Castro = Safe... and sooooooooooo adorable
Ramiele Malubay = Safe

Then it was time for toothless, mind-numbing questions from the viewers. Oh why oh why can't one of Howard Stern's regulars get through? Can a bitch get a "Babbabooey!" up in here? Instead, we have to suffer through bullshit about iTunes downloads and staged kisses between Paula and Simon. I've seen beauty pageant questions with more bite.

Up next, Kellie Pickler performed "Red High Heels." It went a little something like this:

Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Red High Heels. Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Yodelaaayheehooo. Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Red High Heels. Twang-a-twang-a-twang.

BEGIN SINCERE/SAPPY ALERT!
Ryan briefs us on this year's Idol Gives Back (April 9) and then rolls some footage of Fantasia and Elliott Yamin in Angola, where they visited with locals and helped distribute mosquito nets. Thanks to the contributions from last year's effort, Idol Gives Back was able to distribute 8 million nets in Africa.

In a really touching scene, Elliott got super choked up after he learned that a baby boy was given his name because local custom dictates that newborns be named after visitors. That got me ::right here::.
END SINCERE/SAPPY ALERT!

Back to the results...

Syesha Mercado = Safe
Amanda Overmyer = Bottom 3! Totally unexpected yet awesome!
Fat Alfonso Ribeiro = Safe

Carly, Kristy and Amanda assembled in the center of the stage where Carly was quickly put out of her misery and released to the safety of the Top 10 couch. No surprise there. I think it's safe to say that Carly will never ever again compare herself to a dead bird or whatever while America is watching. Lesson learned.

It's down to Kristy and Amanda and while I hate Amanda, I think she has more of a right to be there than Kristy but then I had a sickening feeling in my stomach that Kristy's sympathy vote would swing hard and kick Amanda right square in the ass and sure enough, it did! Amanda Overmyer, with the voice that suggests she could use a good stool softener and an affinity for wearing Kevin Dubrow's pants, is outta here!

And that settles that. Here are your Season 7 Top 10:

1. David Archuleta
2. Jason Castro
3. Chikezie
4. David Cook
5. Kristy Lee Cook
6. Michael Johns
7. Ramiele Malubay
8. Syesha Mercado
9. Carly Smithson
10. Brooke White

Top 11: Song List

This week's theme was The Beatles Part Two: Electric Boogaloo (sorry, couldn't resist). Full recap to come tomorrow but here's the song list to hold you over.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "Back in the USSR"

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"

David Archuleta
Performed: "The Long and Winding Road"

Michael Johns
Performed: "A Day in the Life"

Brooke White
Performed: "Here Comes the Sun"

David Cook
Performed: "Daytripper"

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Blackbird"

Jason Castro
Performed: "Michelle"

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Yesterday"

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "I've Just Seen a Face"

Top 12: The Results

My prognostication skills are reeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally rusty this season. I was 2-for-3 with my bottom three predictions. I correctly guessed that Daniel Hernandez and Kristy Lee Cook would bring up the rear. I thought for sure they'd be joined by Ramiele, but because America wants to make an ass of me, Syesha was elected into their sad ranks.

Further bruising my psychic average was the end result. Kristy Lee Cook inexplicably lives on. Who has to bounce, you ask? [Insert dramatic pause here]... Why, none other than David Hernandez!

Fuck my piss-poor prediction percentage! I'm happy with this result. That dude was CHEEEEEEEEEZ-ZAY. On the other hand, his prancing about in his birthday suit for male clientele gave us our best traffic since Antonella Barba's whorey pictures surfaced last season.

But whatever, the season's still young and there's plenty of potential for more scandal and shame. Naturally, we'll be here to fan the flames and recklessly report on it based on nothing more than questionable hearsay and filthy innuendo. It's what we do.

You're welcome.

Top 12: Curly's Recap

Tonight's recap is brought to you by Stella Artois... brewed by the same noble tradition in Belgium since 1366.

To clarify, we at American Midol have not received a kick-back from that mention. I'm merely warning you that I've had a few so you should attribute any silliness in this post to the makers of this fine beer. Speaking of which... kind people at Stella Artois -- we at American Midol would NOT turn down the scratch if you wanted to work something out. Or free beer. We'll gladly accept either.

Moving on...

So tonight's episode featured the venerable Lennon-McCartney song book as well as the highly-touted new opening graphics and brand spanking new stage. The "new" intro didn't seem all that new to me, if I'm being honest. They still have the two figures walking towards the stage in a manner that suggests both are suffering from a debilitating case of scoliosis. There were some new flourishes, I guess, but mostly just left-over colors and clips from previous seasons. Such bullshit.

The new set looked straight out of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Starlight Express." I seriously expected the performers to come out on roller skates and do jumps and stunts and shit while singing. Would have made for a more-interesting two hours of my life, if you ask moi.

Oh and there's a supposed "mosh pit," according to Ryan. Um, I know he's way into music and crap but was boyfriend ever actually IN a mosh pit?! 'Cause I was. In fact, I took more than one Doc Marten to the temple (would explain a lot, no?) and never once in my experience did I ever notice anyone doing the slow back-and-forth wave during ballads, as "Idol" audiences were wont to do this evening. Rookies. Me at 19 would have kicked their arses.

If my arms went up in the air, it was to help pass along some big dude who was crowd-surfing with reckless abandon. Oh and there was that one time I raised an arm and then flipped off Gordon Gano at a Violent Femmes show because he was giving us a condescending lecture about the dangers of throwing shit on the stage.

Fucktard.

Now that that's out of the way, on with the show...

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Got to Get You Into My Life"
Syesha look like a "Solid Gold" dancer in that ensemble. Were Rick Dees and Marilyn McCoo in the house?

Randy thought it was all right. Paula told Syesha she found her zone midway through. Simon thought it was far more than Randy's all right but felt that Syesha succumbed to a case of the nerves. As for me, I think she took a great song and cheesed it up. Unforgivable.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "She's a Woman"
Hot damn, that was good. I didn't want to like it but Fat Alfonso Ribeiro threw all of his heart and flab into it. I thoroughly enjoyed that. Randy was similarly entertained. Paula said some crap about the reward paying off. I'm guessing she meant risk? Probably not. I think Paula was hitting the Stella tonight too. Simon dug it.

Methinks Fat Alfonso Ribeiro is actually safe this week and, if he plays his cards right, one step closer to shedding the nickname I've saddled him with.

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "In My Life"
Fat Alfonso Ribeiro's was a tough act to follow. I didn't envy anyone in this spot tonight but I thought Ramiele might be all spitfire-like and hold her own. Yeah, no.

Randy was bored. Paula told her she was pretty which means she hated the singing but was too much of a drugged-up pussy to say so. Simon, on the other hand, had no qualms about telling her he was bored to tears.

Word, Simon. And you too, stupid Randy. Ramiele is a possible Bottom Three contender tonight.

Jason Castro
Performed: "If I Fell"
I love Jason but this really wasn't his best. Randy didn't love it. Paula disagreed with Randy and said, "I'll tell you why..." And then she proceeded to explain but honestly, I didn't hear a word of it because I was too busy doodling in my notebook. If I had to guess why she supports Jason with such gusto, it's because he has a penis. She likes those.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Come Together"
Oh man, she kicked that song's ass. I finally believe the Carly hype. It took me a while to warm up to her but she won me over tonight. She received a crazy amount of applause and unanimous praise from the judges. Hopefully she'll remember that next week and won't revert to selecting crap-ass songs.

David Cook
Performed: "Eleanor Rigby"
Nothing shocking here: I still hate him and all three judges bent right over for his so-so performance. This has got to stop.

Brooke White
Performed: "Let It Be"
Once again, Brooke showcased that awesome smoky texture in her vocals. She played solid piano throughout. Even better, she didn't fiddle with the arrangement but still kept it interesting. She did a great job. I loved how awed and humbled she was at the enormity of the stage and the moment. The judges ate it up as did I.

David Hernandez
Performed: "I Saw Her Standing There"
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME. I knew it would be before he even opened his mouth. I was, however, a little surprised to see him venture out into the audience and dance up on some o' the ladies, you know, given his sordid stripping past. Oh, why oh why weren't any of them holding out dollar bills?!? No one thought that might be kind of funny?!?! That's officially the lamest mosh pit ever.

Randy, Paula and Simon all thought David's performance sucked balls. I'm guessing American will too. See you in the Bottom Three, David.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "You Can't Do That"
Hi, nice Dude from Quiet Riot pants there, Amanda. Seriously, it looks like she shops at one of those stores where Brett Michaels takes his dates on "Rock of Love."

Sadly, the judges dug her so we're stuck with her for at least another week.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Across the Universe"
While not nearly as screechy or boring, Michael committed the same sin as Ramiele. He took one of the quieter songs in the songbook and dutifully sang it without any ooomph. Also, Rufus Wainwright covered that song a few years ago and no one else can touch it, in my opinion.

Randy finally got Michael's dick out of his mouth and opined that the song made him sleepy. Finally! He criticized him. Paula yammered on about "quiet confidence" or some bullshit. Simon said that while a good vocal, it was monotonous.

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "Eight Days a Week"
I just took a look at the notes I scribbled during the show and, at first, I thought I wrote "super fart" in response to Kristy's performance. If that vocal had a smell, it would be a equivalent to a super fart, I guess. What I actually wrote was "super fast." The tempo was way up. So much so that it sounded like a 33 being played on the 45 setting. Um, am I dating myself with the whole record player reference?

Simon actually said it best when he declared that she sounded like "Dolly Parton on helium." Paula hated it so much, she didn't even bother to tell Kristy how pretty she looked. That's bad. Randy said something negative too but, well, do you really care?

David Archuleta
Performed: "We Can Work It Out"
How come David got to wrap up the show yet again? I mean, I know the producers want him to win and stuff but seriously, didn't he already get the last slot during the Top 24? Must we be so obvious?!?

Randy didn't think it was on point. Paula agreed it wasn't his best but still fawned all over him anyway. Simon dubbed it a mess and criticized David for attempting the Stevie Wonder version of the song. At this point, I was too buzzed and tired to really give a shit.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Kristy Lee Cook, David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay
Going Home: Kristy and her twang are hitting the trail.

Recap: Top 12 Results Show

Damn! I went 2 for 4 this week. I'm really sucking this year with my predictions. But, in my defense, I did say that Kady Malloy might make it through at the expense of someone better. However, it was the other forgettable blond that benefited. Kristy Lee... Kady... same difference. Either way, Asia'h Epperson was robbed in a major way. America, you're a bunch of assholes.

Luke Menard's dismissal was neither surprising and way overdue. As for Danny Noriega's gasp-inducing ouster, he was probably a bit too cheeky for his own good. His 'tude was already wearing super thin so I don't think people wanted to deal with two more months of that.

But Danny-lovers should take heart, he'll be on "Ellen" soon enough and that Fat Alfonso Ribeiro won't be long for the competition. But then again, what the hell do I know? My prediction average blows this season. I'd calculate it but, well, I don't know how. Fuck math.

Top 16: Girls Recap

Sorry for the delay, peeps. At the risk of seeming unfaithful, the finale of "Project Runway" was on last night and my attention was rather divided. Monogamy is not my strong suit. I admit it.

Okay, so last night was rather lackluster and, as such, my recap will be the same. Blame the girls, not me.

Asia'h Epperson
Performed: "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Houston
Asia'h has a cool voice but I'm so over contestants singing Whitney, Mariah, et al. I mean, haven't they watched the previous seasons? The judges ALWAYS make the comparison. It's so boring. Plus, I hate this fucking song. But still, Asia'h didn't murder it so I'll give her that much.

Verdict: Safe

Kady Malloy
Performed: "Who Wants to Live Forever" by Queen
I like this girl. I just do. I don't agree with Simon that she's robotic. I just think she's not picking the best songs to showcase her personality. With that said, I thought she did a really good job tonight. If Kady sticks around, she has the makings of a Kat McPhee-sized crush, methinks.

Verdict: Probably going home but could stage another upset like last week.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "I Hate Myself for Loving You" by Joan Jett
Shit. This didn't suck. Between Simon's praise and the Vote for the Worst campaign, she's a shoo-in for the Top 12. The "I gargle with gravel" voice and Lily Munster hair live on.

Verdict: Safe, dammit.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "I Drove All Night" by Cyndi Lauper
Again with the Celine covers. Fuck you, people. Fuck you all to hell.

Verdict: Safe

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "Faithfully" by Journey
Quelle surprise! Randy Jackson name-dropped Journey. I didn't see that coming. God, I hate Randy. And I hated this song.

Verdict: Gonzo

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins
The song was fine but does anyone else find Ramiele a little scary? Lovely voice, mind you, but there's in that wee body of hers that gives me the major creeps.

Verdict: Safe

Brooke White
Performed: "Love Is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar
Damn, that was good. When Ryan announced her song choice before the commercial, I actually groaned. But she did a damn good job of it. There was a lovely smoky element to her voice that I just adored. I'm a little bummed she didn't do the arms-akimbo boob shimmy though. Danny Noriega no doubt would have fallen in step behind her and they would have rocked it. Pity.

Verdict: Safe

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Saving All My Love" by Whitney Houston
Syesha got the shaft when it came down to the judging. She got one-word answers from all the judges because the stage manager must have been gesturing wildly for them to wrap it up. I agree with Simon that it was "predicatable but good."

Verdict: Safe (both in standings and song choice)

Predictions
Sayonara, Kady Malloy and Kristy Lee Cook.

Top 16: Boys Recap

Okay, so I had this recap just about ready to go last night and then The Lovely Jess called and we BS'd for a couple of hours and by the time I got off the phone, I was too tired to check for typos and being the responsible journalist (HA HA HA HA) that I am, I decided to hold off publishing until my first cup of coffee kicked in this morning. Translation: I didn't feel like doing it last night.

So, a lot of this is retread from what Jess said because we share a brain and rarely have differing thoughts... except for that whole enjoying cock thing she's got going on. That's where we diverge.

Anyhoo, here's my recap which I will admit is rather bare because I had one eye on CNN watching the primary results. Such suspense and intrigue!

Luke Menard
Performed: "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" by Wham
Riddle me this: Why is Danny Noriega Vote for the Worst's pick? Why not Luke? I mean, I don't want Luke getting any more votes but he sucks way more ass than Danny. [Insert your own Danny sucks dick joke(s) here.]

Seriously, his voice will soon supplant Mary Hart's as a leading cause of seizures. In the interest of public health, please send him home now.

Verdict: Sucked big hairy dick.

David Archuleta
Performed: "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins
I hate this song. It reminds of when I had to work in the gift department at Drug Fair back in high school. Store management decided that soft rock would encourage shoppers to buy more Precious Moments figurines and this song came on ALL.THE.TIME. It drove me mad, I tell you. MAD. It was enough to make a bitch start throwing Hummels.

But this is about David, isn't it? Um, I agree with Randy... it didn't showcase his "vocal prowness."

Verdict: Sucked somewhat. And Randy needs to get a dictionary, dawg.

Danny Noriega
Performed: "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell
Danny, please don't make take back what I said about Luke being the ideal Vote for the Worst candidate.

Verdict: Sucked slightly less hairy dick than Luke's vocal hummer.

David Hernandez
Performed: "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Pandora's Box
Shocking. Danny didn't mention his being outed as a gay stripper as his most embarrassing moment. Well get mah smellin' salts. By the by, we posted that shit a couple of weeks ago. We scooped everyone. Worship us. Now.

Verdict: I'm excusing myself because I have an uncanny ability to automatically tune out songs covered by Celine Dion and/or Meatloaf (with the exception of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" for the latter). Seriously, other than the first few bars, nothing else registered. I have enough mental clutter without that chest-thumping Canuck and that hankie-toting grease ball taking up valuable space.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Don't You Forget about Me" by Simple Minds
Paula praised Michael's unique performance style, paying special attention to the way he holds the mic and hops around the stage. Funny, these are the very same things that irritated the shit out of me. It's reassuring to know that Paula and I are not on the same page.

Verdict: Didn't suck.

David Cook
Performed: "Hello" by Lionel Richie
Oh man. I wanted to hate that... but I didn't. But I still hate the hair and that face he makes when he's singing. He tilts his head back and shows us his nostrils. It's like he's saying, "Hey America, do I have a booger hanging from my nose?" Too bad David Hernandez didn't do that prior to his photo shoot.

Verdict: Didn't suck, but, speaking of David Hernandez's snot, if that dude ever uses the words "crusty" and "booger" in the same sentence again, I'll strangle him with his stripper G-string. Nasty.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen
I loved it. He's so adorable. Melissa McGee and The Lovely Jess can keep Michael Johns. I'll switch teams for Jason. And I think Simon will too based on his effusive praise.

Verdict: I loved it, duh.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro (aka Chikezie)
Performed: "She Fills Me Up" by Luther Vandross
See my earlier comment about Celine and Meatloaf.

Verdict: Sucked.

Predictions
Luke Menard and... hmm... Fat Alfonso Ribeiro are going home. Oh, and Paula will be hungover today.

Top 24: Girls Quasi-Recap

Dude, I totally fell asleep during the show last night. Knocked out cold. Could it be, oh I don't know, all the lullabies those broads were singing? This lineup is more effective than any Ambien, let me tell you.

And away we go (partially)...

Kristy Lee Cook
That was pretty bad but the poor girl looked like she was hit by a truck. Still, I don't think the flu sympathy vote will be enough to save her. Sorry, Kristy, but you'll soon be singing "Amazing Grace" -- sans horse -- elsewhere.

Joanne Borgella
Hudson County represent! My girl's from Hoboken, a can of Aqua Net's-throw from where I grew up. I think she has a great voice. Not that you could tell from her song choice last night. Not good, Joanne.

And I'm with Jess, Papa Borgella had a murderous look in his eyes when Simon ripped his daughter to shreds. I'm usually on board with the Cowell but he was a right douche to her last night.

Alaina Whitaker
Good, I guess. This is when the eyelids started to get a bit droopy.

Amanda Overmyer
I didn't hate this as much as Jess did but that's not to say I liked it either. Amanda scares me and as such, I'm afraid she'll run me down on her chopper if I'm too harsh. So I'm just going to leave it at that.

Amy Davis
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

Brooke White
The thing that struck me most about this was Paula telling Brooke how original she was... after she sang the very same song David Cook sang the night before. I don't know. I was downright punchy at this point of the program and that thought seemed really, "Whooooooooooooooooa!" and all profound last night. Fifteen hours later? Not so much.

Alexandrea Lushington
It didn't suck. Also, I hope Alexandrea doesn't have a drinking problem with that last name of hers. Far.too.easy.

Kady Malloy
Like Jess, I loathe this song. Mostly, it brings back memories of high school dances when the DJ would bring my fun to a grinding halt by trotting out the Phil Collins version of this song. All the sappy couples would get up to slow dance and I, and my unfortunate mullet, would sit off on the side scowling and feeling all persecuted.

But I digress. I like Kady. I think she's funny. Last night, however, I think she tried to shoehorn herself into a format that she mistakenly thought the judges would like. If given another shot, I believe she'll come out swinging much to everyone's surprise and delight.

Asia'h Epperson
And this, my friends, is where I was full-on snoring. No offense to Asia'h. I'm a fan of hers. It's her predecessors that primed me for a full-on coma though. So, blame them for this half-assed recap.

Predictions: Kristy Lee Cook and Amy Davis are gonzo.

Top 24: Boys Recap

Oy. Tonight's show was not exactly the most promising way to kick off this next phase of the competition. Hopefully now that the first show is out of the way, the kids will stop soiling themselves long enough to scrape together a respectable effort. Let's see how they did, shall we?

David Hernandez
Performed: "In the Midnight Hour" by Wilson Pickett

The song was fine but, truthfully, I was totally distracted by how much David's... father, I guess? looks like Phil Margera. Uncanny. I wonder if David wakes him up in the middle of the night and kicks the shit out of him. Yeah, probably not.

Chikeze
Performed: "More Today Than Yesterday" by The Spiral Starecase

Wow, that was rough. It started out really low and just never got better. Yet, Randy and Paula fawned all over it. I felt redeemed when Simon criticized the song and then quickly incensed when Chikeze got super cheeky and eye-rolly. I was trying not to go there but after that hissy fit?! Well, that behavior, my friends, just earned Chikeze a new nickname from me on this blog: Fat Alfonso Ribeiro. Please make note.

David Cook
Performed: "So Happy Together" by The Turtles

Dear David,
You simply cannot rock a mic stand when you have three backup singers behind you cheerfully chirping "Bah bah bah bah bah bah!" Douche.

Sincerely,
Curly

P.S. Tell Randy that if ever compares you to Alice in Chains again, I'll twirl that mic stand right up his ass. Sideways. Thanks!

Jason Yeager
Performed: "Moon River" by Andy Williams

A quick reenactment of my reaction to this song:
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. OMG, is his son wearing a wig? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Robbie Carrico
Performed: "One" by Three Dog Night

Well, that blew. Seriously. I don't get the praise heaped on him by all three judges. He may very well be this year's Constantine for me. I hated that fucker from the get-go and my stance did not soften. Robbie and his dramatic finger pointing and gesturing bullshit are headed in the same direction.

David Archuleta
Performed: "Shop Around" by The Miracles

Careful, David... you're quickly venturing into creepy Bindi Irwin territory. I used to think she was cute and now? Well, frankly, I want to kick her in the face. If you don't dial it down a bit, you too will be eating my kicks tout de suite.

Danny Noriega
Performed: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis

Question: Should a skinny, slight gay boy like Danny REALLY be singing about prison?

Luke Menard
Performed: "Everybody's Talking at Me" by Harry Nilsson

Pack your hoodie and go, Luke. You bore me. And the rest of America too, I'm guessing.

Colton Berry
Performed: "Suspicious Minds" by Elvis

For some reason, I want to like Colton. I guess I feel bad that his achievement was sort of overshadowed last week by Simon's loving ode to the just-ousted Kyle. Colon got a luke-warm congratulations and then the rest of the time was spent fawning of Arvid Engen's younger brother.

Colton, do me a solid here and stop, you know, sucking. It will make things easier on the both of us.

Garrett Haley
Performed: "Breaking up Is Hard to Do" by Neil Sedaka

Do you know what's even harder, Garrett? Keeping my eyes open during your song.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Daydream" by The Lovin' Spoonful

He's so pretty. I think I found my boyfriend for the season.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Light My Fire" by The Doors

Things got a little screamy as the song progressed but it didn't blow, I guess. Can you tell I'm running out of things to say?

Predictions: Buh-bye, Luke Menard and Jason Yeager.

Top 24: Faces with the Similar-Sounding Names

Are you like me? You can't tell the Kadys from the Kristys up in this Top 24 bitch? Or maybe you're all on the ball and it's just my early onset senility that's preventing me from remembering shit. Whatever.

I'm a visual thinker so to aid my ailing memory in addition to showing off my Photoshop trickery, I've constructed a tres Brady Bunch-like grid of the Top 24. As each person is given the boot, I'll update the grid accordingly. I won't do any of that grayed- or X'd-out bullshit. That's played. Perhaps as each contestant is given his/her walking papers, I will deface their respective photos. Blackened teeth, devil horns, goatees, hairy moles, the works. Sound good? No? Have a better idea, asshole? If so, pony up. I'm all ears.

Here's the ragtag group sans graffiti and crushed dreams. I know it's small and hard to read but the width of this column is rather unforgiving. Just click on it, Whiny Whinerson, and your problems will be solved.

Click to enlarge

When I get around to it, this bad boy will be easily accessible from the sidebar. Enjoy!

Season Seven's Top 24 Revealed

Praise Jesus, we're finally done with all that audition and Hollywood Week bullshit! And now, onto the next phase -- The Top 24 aka The Part of the Season I Kinda Hate Most Because It's Spread out over 3 Nights and Requires Me to Take Notes on 24 Different People, a Task Which Doesn't Sit Well with My Lazy Ass.

Here's who Paula, Randy and Simon deemed worthy...

Men:
David Archuleta, 17, Murray, Utah
Colton Berry, 18, Staunton, Va.
Robbie Carrico, 26, Melbourne, Fla.
Jason Castro, 20, Rockwall, Texas
David Cook, 25, Tulsa, Okla.
Chikezie Eze, 22, Inglewood, Calif.
Garrett Haley, 17, Elida, Ohio
David Hernandez, 24, Glendale, Ariz.
Luke Menard, 29, Crawfordsville, Ind.
Danny Noriega, 18, Azusa, Calif.
Jason Yeager, 28, Branson, Mo.
Michael Johns, 29, Los Angeles by way of Australia

Women:
Amanda Overmyer, 23, Mulberry, Ind.
Brooke White, 24, Van Nuys, Calif.
Joanne Borgella, 25, Hoboken, N.J.
Kristy Lee Cook, 24, Selma, Ore.
Amy Davis, 25, Cedar Lake, Ind.
Asia'h Epperson, 19, Joplin, Mo.
Alexandrea Lushington, 17, Douglasville, Ga.
Kady Malloy, 18, Houston
Ramiele Malubay, 20, Miramar, Fla.
Syesha Mercado, 21, Miami
Alaina Whitaker, 16, Tulsa, Okla.
Carly Smithson, San Diego by way of Dublin, Ireland

I think I speak on behalf of all the contributors here at American Midol when I point my finger at crybaby Josiah Leming and do a haughty "HA! HA!" followed up with a crude cupping gesture on my non-existent junk to signify that Josiah can and should suck my dick.

Recap: Audition Recap

Whoa, I just blew my mind.

Okay, I totally fell asleep while watching the show last night so this will be spotty.

I remember a puppy. And I remember wanting to eat it, it was so cute. I remember the blond chick who owned it. I also remember wanting to kick the Douchebag Doublemint Twins accompanying her in the balls. If the owner of the puppy had balls, I would have kicked her in them. Sadly, anatomy prevents me from properly dishing out poetic justice. Well, I suppose I could kick her in the vagina. Yes, it's official: I want to kick her in the cooch. And then steal her puppy.

Then there was the broad with the self-proclaimed God-given talent. And here I thought the Voice of God was Walter Kronkite. I stand corrected.

Breaking News: Church attendance declines; atheism on the rise. Former parishioners cite "yelly voice of God" as reason for their loss of faith.

Um, what else... I also vaguely recall a semi-hot chick who sang "Blue Bayou" and had a sob story about her single mom who had a lot kids. Call me cynical but it sounds like she just took the story of "There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe" and updated it to sway the producers. Next year, I'm going to audition for "Idol" and I'm going to tell them that I'm homeless because a wolf blew my house down. Hopefully I'll make it to Hollywood too!

I seriously don't remember the rest because I was sawing logs quite vigorously by this point. I'm so done with auditions. However, I'm so ready for the dashed hopes and crushed dreams of Hollywood Week. In fact, I'm off to sharpen my knives right now. Adieu.

Monday News Update

Are you ready for some headlines? No? Well, fuck you then. I'm delivering them anyway. Bite me.

Curly McDimple Is a Big Fat Liar
Okay, so this isn't news, nor a legitimate "Idol" headline but it's sadly true. In my sporadic posts this season, I have regaled you with promises of follow-up posts with more details, photos, etc. and I have yet to make good on any it. I blow.

Word to the wise: Don't fulfill a New Year's obligation to revamp your apartment in January and February when those are historically the busiest months of the year at your day job. No, I'm not an accountant. Fuck math! I deal with dopey celebs, yo. Don't they know it's prime "Idol" season? Can't they slap each other on the backs in a neverending series of self-congratulatory award ceremonies in, like, July or whatever? Selfish!!

I do apologize for my absence though. And now on to the meat and potatoes... Wait, or is it bread and butter? Or neither? Does any of this make sense? All I know is I'm still at work and really hungry. And you know it's dire when I, a vegetarian, start using meat as a figure of speech.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh right... And away we go...

Speaking of Self-Congratulatory Award Ceremonies...
Carrie Underwood, nominated for Best Female Country Vocal Performance ("Before He Cheats") and Best Country Collaboration With Vocals ("Oh Love" with Brad Paisley), will perform at the Grammys on Sunday, February 10. Related Story: Curly McDimple Will Mute Her TV During the Country Portion of the Program.

That's MRS. Tits McPhee, Thank You Very Much
Katharine McPhee and her creepy old manfriend finally got hitched. Now, as longtime readers know, I had a scorching case of the McPheever back in the day. Despite that, I'm not at all broken up about her betrothal. Why? Well, for one, I have a life and secondly, she's kind of a twit. I'm over it. Mazel tov!

'Idol' Shines Spotlight on Rett Syndrome
Okay, even I cannot say anything snarky about this. Man, I didn't expect to have to be this polite until Idol Gives Back week. I don't like being sappy so early in the season. Let's remedy that, shall we?

Sanjaya Is a Dickhead
I really don't even have to elaborate on this, right? Okay, since you insist... The Season 6 also-ran and his whore of a sister, Shyamali, were caught taking whatever wasn't nailed down at Super Bowl swag suites while demanding photographers pay them to pose for pictures. You know who's a bigger dickhead? The asshole who actually coughs up. Oh, and Al Roker.

That is all.

Please Stand By

Last night, we had, respectively:

• Subway problems which prevented us from getting home before midnight, and we had to be up by 6:00 for our internship



• Home remodeling and freelance work-induced narcolepsy



• Personal issues more important than American Idol (it happens!) that needed to be attended to, and a busted DVR

So there you go. Curly and I will have updates for you later today, and stay tuned for the debut of our newest Midol blogger -- Lizz from FtheFtrain. She's going to be awesome, I'm sure. (No pressure!)

Monday News Update

Kiddies, mama's got a splitting headache and a gag reflex on the brink of collapse so drop everything and listen up (and get the bucket and mop ready) because it's news roundup time and I'm in no mood (or state) to dilly-dally.

Actually, by all rights, it really should have been news roundup time hours ago when you people were bored at work and desperate for a distraction but, well, some of us don't have the luxury of wasting time and fucking around on The Man's dime.

Um, to clarify, the preceding statement should be translated as dripping with jealousy as opposed to a finger-wagging guilt trippy kind of thing.

God, I feel like ass but I will sally forth. However, it's really hard to combat the urge to puke and/or faint when I'm faced with images such as this during my quest to find you some news:

God damn you, TMZ. Damn you to hell.

Man, you know it's a slow news day when Seacrest's flab is the lead item. Here are the rest of the day's paltry headlines:

Former Tricycle Driver on 'American Idol'
I don't actually have anything to add to this news story. Hell, I didn't even read it because I can't quite get past the headline. I'm technically a former tricycle driver myself but it's not like I put it on my resume or call it out as a special skill when granting interviews. I suppose we should be grateful that the publication didn't choose to tout Renaldo Lapuz's graduation from diapers to big-boy undies. (Global Nation)

'American Idol' Invites Us to Ask Blake Lewis 'Nearly Anything'
Oooh! Oooh! I've got one, Blake. First-time caller, long-time listener, here and I just have to know... Why are you such a colossal douche? Thanks in advance for answering! (AmericanIdol.com; TMZ.com)

That is all. To the Pepto!

Recap: Charleston Auditions

Well, that was boring. Here are some of Charleston's lowlights...

Rasharde Henderson
This dude compared himself to Clay Aiken. Willingly and on purpose. Clearly, the boy cannot be right in the head. Richard Simmons is a far better comparison, no?

DeAnna Prevatte
Hi, I'm not making fun of her because she may very well run me down with a baseball bat while wearing sensible flats. Yeah.

Randy Stark & Crystal Ortiz
So Randy is the self-proclaimed "guru" on AmericanIdol.com's message boards. To really drive home the nerdy point, his girlfriend did a Yoda impersonation in which she touted his message board mastery. That shit sent me into a near-rage.

But then again, what do I expect from people who park themselves in front of their computers and do nothing but discuss the minutiae of "American Idol" season after season? Oh, wait...

P.S. If this audition was a "Saturday Night Live" skit, Rachel Dratch and Seth Meyers would totally play the roles of Randy and Crystal.

Michelle & Jeffery Lampkin
Hi, Jeffery? Meshach Taylor called and wants his Hollywood Montrose character back.

Amy Catherine, Amy, A.C., Whatevs Flynn
Yet another out-and-proud virgin. Oooh, how juicy would that be if she and Bruce Dickson somehow meet up and he gives her his "key," if you catch my meaning.

Pssst, it means he sticks his penis in her vagina.

Anyhoo, Amy Catherine, Amy, A.C., Whatevs looks frighteningly similar to Roman Grant's youngest wife on "Big Love." She really has that crazed "I live on a compound and can't drink Mountain Dew" look about her.

Aretha Codner
I think a visual best expresses what was on everyone's mind at the first glimpse of Aretha...

Sigh... How much longer until Hollywood Week?

Monday News Update

Hi, I suck. I was supposed to finish the second episode recap and provide photos on Thursday but I never did. So sorry. I am coming down from one of the most horrendous weeks in recent memory. My day job was stressful, my freelance gig kicked into hyperdrive and my friends left and right have been having emotional meltdown after emotional meltdown. In other words, I've been preoccupied.

I also decided to actually make good on my New Year's resolution to get my apartment in shape. I have been painting and spackling like the wind. Add to the mix battles with UPS, my web hosting company and zero funds until payday and perhaps you can get a glimpse into my psyche of late. Oh and did I mention I have the PMS? I have been deeeeee-lightful to be around.

But do you know what the upside to such turmoil is? Brut crazy strength! Thanks to an imbalance in estrogen, I single-handedly moved an armoire from one side of the room to the other. Twice. I'm indecisive when redecorating, you see.

But what was my point? Oh right... blog neglect. I'll be better, promise. So, without further ado, here are today's headlines:

American Idol is the Devil
Warner Todd Huston, a columnist from a Christian site, is in an absolute tizzy over the treatment Bruce Dickson, the 19-year-old virgin, received by a "a washed up 80s pop star, a fat guy no one ever heard of and some English dude."

Huston then proceeds to rail against liberal Hollywood's attack on Christian beliefs and morals. Um, because Christians are so accepting of those of differing beliefs and "lifestyles"?

Get laid, Warner.

'Idol' Ratings Kick Ass, Take Names
Well, duh. Alternate headline: "Ratings's Ass = Grass. American Idol = Lawnmower."

The Do's and Don'ts of Auditioning
Would-be warblers, take note. MTV lists what you should and should not do. Trust them. After all, these are the brilliant minds who brought us the wonder that is Tila Tequila and the "Real World/Road Rule Challenge." Trust them.

Suri Cruise Hearts Idol
It's her one respite from this.

Oh, and to prove that I'm not a total slacker, here's a photo of Brandon Green's toenails:

That is all. Bring on San Diego. Here's hoping they have personal tics that are a little less gnarly.

Recap: Dallas Auditions

Okay, so this can't technically be called a recap just yet because I'm not done watching the show. This isn't technically live blogging either since the show concluded more than two hours ago. This will read more like a series of disjointed brain farts. Oh wait, all of my posts read like a series of disjointed brain farts, don't they?

So refresh every now and then and you may very well catch the whiff of a brand new fart. Get your noseplugs ready.

Paul Stafford
So even though I'm only like 10 minutes into a 2-hour broadcast, I'm confident in stating that he just uttered the best unintentional quote of the evening:

"Simon didn't come down on me like I thought he would... 'cause he goes down on just about everybody."

OMG, Paul not only outed Simon, he called him a dirty whore as well. Besmirched!

Drucila Wideman
One look at this 16-year-old and I thought, "Oh look, it's Dee, the sarcastic younger sister on What's Happening?!"

Wow, dude, did I really just trot out a Friends reference? I MUST be tired.

Alaina Whitaker
Did girlfriend just say Carrie Underwood looks like her? Somebody hold my gold. Oooh, Simon just took her down a peg. I like when Simon and I gang up on bitches. Oh wait, the fucker put her through to Hollywood! SIMON!! Perhaps he was, as Paul Stafford suggested, blowing Ryan during her so-so audition and didn't hear it. That's the only explanation.

Bruce Dickson
Here we have the chaste 19-year-old with the virginity key hanging from his neck. It's a promise to his father to stay pure until he's married. Not that there's anything wrong with being a virgin but why the hell is his dad so involved in this? Suddenly that last name takes on a new significance.

Brandon Green
I will NOT discuss the finger nails. Should he make it through to the finals, I will forever lobby for his ouster. You simply cannot gross me out like that and can get away with it.

Kayla Hatfield
Amy Sedaris could totally play her if a movie of her life was ever made.

Douglas Davidson
In his pre-audition interview, Douglas informed us that his father hates him. Because of his talent, of course. It has absolutely nothing to do with his maniacal pacing, neverending vocal warm-ups and profuse sweating.

More to come tomorrow. With pictures!

Premiere Night Liveblogging

7:46: Salsa and chips in bowl. Drinks poured. Mejack and Jess in attendance, waiting.

7:48: Curly buzzed in.

7:59: Pizza ordered.

8:01: Mejack: I read in the Post that it's even meaner this year. Curly: What? Meaner than making fun of retarded people?

8:02: We're in Philly!

8:05: Joey Catalano. Like Jordan Catalano. But not really. Underwhelming.

8:13: The room collectively calls bullshit on Yuka, the wannabe Borat who claims to be from Egypt.

8:20: Tour guide James Lewis. Deaf Lurch. Also, why is Paula Abdul wearing a white bra under a sheer black shirt?

8:28: Mejack on Jonathan Baines: Oh, look! It's Timothy McVeigh!

8:30: Jess: I want to see Temptress Brown tackle Ryan Seacrest. Mejack: Ryan still plays for pee-wee.

8:33: Okay, seriously? (This is Jess) Why do they give us a backstory just to have the person suck? Poor Temptress Brown. It's so mean! Meaner than Simon, even.

8:50: Curly on Udi: Oh please, don't let him be from New Jersey.

8:52: Collective laughs over the awesome blond girl screaming, "I Love Rock 'n' Roll"

9:00: Alexis Cohen. Mejack: This is making my tooth hurt. (Also, she woke up the cat.)

9:01: Randy Jackson says 'Peace, Love and Chicken Grease.' No comment necessary.

9:03: Mejack: "Wiggle Ammonia?" What does that mean? I (Jess) immediately started laughing, and then crying, and then hyperventilating. Curly: She said "legally moon you."

9:13: Mr. Mejack arrives. Eats pizza.

9:16: Curly, on Christina Tolisano, the wackjob with the Princess Leia hair: She looks like the chick from Dodgeball.



9:26: Jess: I LOVE Paula's eye makeup. Any makeup artists out there that could help me with that?

9:39: An IM conversation with Melissa regarding Paul Marturano, the stalker:

Melissa: Holy shit that guy made me shit on myself.

Jess: Which one? Oh, we're behind. We paused the DVR.

Melissa: Oh. Sorry - you'll see him. He's the dude that sings TO PAULA. Uber creepy. Creepy McCreeperson.

Jess: With the cape?

Melissa: No - shortly after him. Seriously - like somebody should have called security...

Jess: OHMYGOD

Melissa: Yeah. Him. Seriously.

Jess: Peterfalkher!

Melissa: THAT WAS THE BEST PART

9:51: Chris Watson, the hot black guy with the dreads? OMG. I want to eat fresh fruit off of his chest. Or at least, I did, until I came to the unfortunate conclusion that he's going to be this season's camera fucker. (This is Jess, BTW)

Parting thoughts:

Mejack: None

Curly: Bring back the retards.

Jess: DUH.

In hindsight, we don't love liveblogging. So we're not gonna do it anymore, or at least not until we forget how much we didn't like it in the first place.

We're Back, Bitches

So you know how we said we were going to post on the off-season? Well, that was stupid of us, and we aren't going to promise that anymore. What we are going to do, when this season ends and we sober up and restore our faith in humanity, is have a sign-up form which will enable us to notify you when we're starting the countdown for the next season. And then the show will probably get cancelled.

It's countdown time, angels! 32 days! We're going to try to post every day from now until then, and once the show gets started, well, there'll be no stopping us!

Before I get into the news, I have a very important announcement. Those of you who are regular Midol readers may be familiar with commenter Melissa McGee, she of the hilarious commentary. I believe she coined the term "old man mouth" as it relates to Blake Lewis. Anyway, we're delighted to announce she'll be joining our esteemed ranks this season! And also, Mejack, Curly and I will be live-blogging the premiere from the Official Idol Premiere Headquarters®, AKA Mejack's new apartment.

And without further ado, here's the first of many news roundups:

Britney's Banned
New season, new show formula. In the show's seventh season (Which Nigel Lythgoe claims has the best singers yet. Yawn.), contestants will be allowed to play instruments on stage, which means this season's Chris Daughtry will be even more annoying. Also, there will be fewer celebrities this year, which means less bitchy fun for us. Also, NO BRITNEY SPEARS. EVER.

Football, Now With More Jordin!
Jordin Sparks has been tapped (not by Curly, unfortunately for Curly) to sing the Star Spangled Banner at Superbowl XLII. Also, until I read that article, I completely forgot that Jordin won last year. That either shows how not-memorable the show's sixth season was, or how much pot I smoked in my youth.

Idol Cast-offs to Appear on Bones
Season 6 camera bangers Brandon Rogers and Ace Young will be guest starring on a not-yet-announced episode of Bones. In other news, Bones is still on. Who knew?

America Still Under the Daughtry Spell
Those rock-groupies-turned-soccer-moms sure have a lot of buying power. Billboard has named his boring, formulaic, depressing album the best seller of 2007. America, please, put down the punch. There is much better music available to you.

Clay Aiken on Broadway
In what's possibly the most bizarre news ever, Sir Clay has signed on to play Sir Robin in Spamalot from January 18 through May 4, 2008. And I am too flummoxed to even make a joke about it right now.

The Finale: The Recap

In the immortal words of Barry Manilow... looks like we maaaaaaaaaade it! Finally! Sweet Jesus, this season took long enough to wrap up. It started out promising but it quickly descended into a steaming pile of poop and never quite recovered.

Speaking of a pile o' poop, let's discuss the two-hour finale, shall we?

The evening started out on a dubious note with Blake and Jordin performing a lifeless duet of "I Saw Her Standing There." Then Ryan introduced Gwen Stefani who was beamed in via satellite (although, it could have been pre-taped because the show is just that shady).

Gwen then warbled "4 In The Morning" while sporting a bunched-up frock that looked like it got stuck in her pantyhose when she visited the little girl's room. Not attractive.

Next up was the first in a series of painful Golden Idol Awards. Why? Why must we be tortured with this bullshit? Anyhoo, a yellow feather-clad Margaret Fowler took home the prize for "Best Presentation" and then proceeded to dry hump Ryan Seacrest in a most disturbing fashion...

Ew. I may never recover.

Then Smokey Robinson sang a couple of ditties with the Top 6 guys. I guess it sounded good. I can't say for sure because I was too busy scrutinizing Phil Stacey's suspect dance moves. Man, he sucks.

Up next, Blake and Doug E. Fresh engaged in a wee bit o' -- quelle surprise -- beatboxing...

Actually, if I'm being honest, I didn't think it was all that bad.

Then there was some other Golden Idol Award crap that I don't feel like discussing further.

Gladys Knight and Tony Bennett then swooped in (separately) and lent an air of class to the proceedings.

As Ryan introduced Tony Bennett, we got a glimpse of Constantine Maroulis who once again fucked the camera with his patented beady eyes/pursed lips combo. If that wasn't bad enough, the director cut to a shot of an applauding Justin Guarani who managed to look slimy even when appreciatively clapping for a legend such as Tony Bennett. Douche.

And then yet another unfunny Golden Idol Award where we witnessed Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth "Bush Baby" Briggs receving the "Best Buddies" trophy...

Because, apparently, these two easy targets weren't exploited enough during the auditions back in January, they had to be trotted out once again for a bit more ribbing in front of an audience of millions. It was bordering on cruel.

Up next was Melinda Doolittle singing about Jesus or turning on the lights or some such with CeCe and BeBe Winans. Then Jordin and Blake were informed by Ryan that they were each getting a Mustang courtesy of Ford. Blake then did a Borat impersonation that firmly cemented my hatred of him. Blake, not Borat. I adore Borat. I just hate young guys who impersonate him, you see. Ditto for people who do Pee Wee Herman impressions. I really hate people who do that.

And then we reached my favorite part of the whole show -- the African Children's Choir...

I adore these kids to no end. Look at their faces! Their energy and exuberance are completely infectious. I love them.

However, that good will was short-lived because a few minutes later, Sanjaya took the stage and once again desecrated "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. This time with the aid of Aerosmith's Joe Perry. What did Ray Davies ever do to you, Joe Perry?!! Shame on you!

And once again, Ashley Ferl, the infamous Crying Girl, was there and, as usual, she was in hysterics. Somebody medicate that kid. Now.

Adding insult to injury, Taylor Hicks then took the stage and tarded his way through "Heaven Knows" effectively draining what little joy and enthusiasm I had left in me. However, I did derive some pleasure by snapping this photo of Taylor where I captured him in full Stroke Mouth glory...

Up next Jordin Sparks and Ruben Studdard performed "You're All I Need to Get By." So wait a second... Blake gets to perform with an accomplished performer like Doug E. Fresh and Jordin has to settle for the least remarkable Idol winner ever? How is that fair? First, the producers make her sing a lame Donna Summer song last week and now this? Why do they hate her so? Why?

Then Bette Midler came out and sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" and I fast forwarded it because while I'm down with the Divine Miss M, I really don't ever need to hear that song ever again. Seriously, does anyone still have a real jones for this tune?

Oh wait, it turns out Jerry Springer does! So much so that he was moved to tears...

Dude, even The Hoff didn't cry this year. Pussy.

Then there was a tribute to The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" album. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It was just... random, for lack of a better word. I know they were celebrating the album's 40th anniversary but the lineup, transitions, etc. were just weird and kind of jarring, complete with Taylor pantomiming taking a bullet to the head during "A Day in the Life." Pity he was only "acting."

However, I will say that Kelly Clarkson did an admirable job with the titular song accompanied by Joe Perry who redeemed himself after his earlier Kinks infraction... I guess.

And then, finally, we reached the end of this exhausting marathon where we were rewarded with a proper and just outcome... uh, you know, considering our choices...

Ha ha! Suck on it, Blake.

That's it for now but don't start your blubbering just yet because we still have a few things to sort out. I'll have a Season 6 wrap-up in the days to come plus a final installment of The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram before we start winding things down for the season.

After that, feel free to bawl away.

Congratulations, Jordin Sparks!

The Top 2: The Belated, Half-Assed Recap

A pox upon us for a lack of a recap today. Those pesky day jobs of ours picked a fine time to get in the way of our Idol obsession. Oh, and there was also the small matter of me being out last night drinking my face off whilst playing Ms. Pac Man. If you haven't tried to gobble ghosts and power pellets while intoxicated, I suggest you do so immediately.

So I watched the show last night in the wee hours of the morning and I didn't really take notes because, well, I didn't feel like it. I'm tired, yo. This has been a long ass, boring season and it's really taking a toll on my motivation and creativity. Oh, and did I mention that I was rather drunk? A sure sign of my lack sobriety was the fact that I made toast at 1:00 am. You know I'm good and hammered when I start toasting shit late at night. I even set off my fire alarm because I had the toaster setting on too high. So, I not only had to eat blackened cinnamon raisin toast, I also managed to piss off my neighbors. Awesome.

So, now, on with what I can remember about the show...

What scary ass army is Randy Jackson a member of? That general's outfit?! What?!?!

Paula was doped up something fierce last night and as such, she's going out with a bang on this week's Insanity Index. Awww yeah.

Blake Lewis was mediocre at best. I fast forwarded his first performance ("You Give Love a Bad Name,") because I hated it during Bon Jovi week and there was no possible way I would hate it any less this week. Then, just when I thought he couldn't annoy me further, he busted out ANOTHER Maroon 5 song and it was dumb and boring and stupid and asinine. And then he was made to sing the songwriting competition song ("This Is My Now") and he sucked to high heaven and embarrassed himself but, miraculously, he got a pass from the judges simply because they said it wasn't the type of song Blake is used to singing. Well, tough shit. Hard work is not the type of work I'm used to doing but my bosses don't see that as a viable excuse for shoddiness. Bullshit. In the words of the immortal Tim Gunn, make it work, Blake.

Jordin Sparks attempted Christina Aguilera ("Fighter") in the first round and while it wasn't spectacular, she didn't make an ass of herself. She aced round two with a reprise of "A Broken Wing" from country week and made Blake look the marginally-talented one-note weenie that he is. Jordin finished up with a superior take on the otherwise dreadful "This Is My Now" and further proved that she's got the goods to win the whole kit and kaboodle.

Ew, I can't believe I just wrote "kit and kaboodle." I told you I was fed up.

Predictions:
Take a bow, Jordin. Sit and spin, Blake.

Poll Time: Who's Going to Win the Whole Shebang?

Wow, can you believe we're in the final stretch? Why, it seems like just yesterday we were talking about Apollo Creed lookalikes, bush babies, and hot pink stirrup arm tights. Ah, memories.

And now, here we are, at the end of the road faced with the choice between an overpraised copycat with a serious case of "old man mouth" and an adorable young thing with an annoying tendency to pantomime text messaging. (Stop that, Jordin. STOP.THAT.) Uh, I guess that's progress?

So, for the last time this season, what say you...

Who will be the next American Idol?
	Blake Lewis
	Jordin Sparks
Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 18

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy last week was 5.0 (out of a possible 10). Sorry for the delay. I have no excuse other than laziness. I make no bones about it. Anyhoo, for closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Admittedly, Paula wasn't all that batshit this past week. However, I'm tired of looking at the crying Paula face as well as the smiling, sane Paula face so I'm mixing it up a bit here in the interest of variety. Aren't I sweet and thoughtful?

Sadly, The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram will be drawing to a close. We'll slap Paula with one more sanity (or lack of) score and then pffft! Finito. As goes the season, so goes the Scattergram. However! I will follow up with report to let y'all know what Paula's overall Season 6 score. Aren't you just dying with anticipation?! I know you are.

Because I'm clairvoyant, I can tell you now that Sanjaya's average Level o' Suck for Season 6 will be a solid 10. Sorry, did I ruin the suspense for you?

Until next time, think nervous breakdown!

The Top Three: The Results

Here's your top two, America: Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis.

Wow, I'm really pissed. I took notes and pictures during the broadcast but thanks to tonight's results, I'm too digusted to post them. Seriously. For Melinda's sake, I'm glad she didn't win the whole thing because now she'll actually have a chance for a successful career free from limits and bullshit. But still, she should have made it to the finals.

And sadly, you guys were wrong too. Only 19 percent of you correctly predicted that Melinda would get the boot.

I'm seriously too cranky to elaborate on this. Maybe my mood will lighten by tomorrow for a proper recap. But don't count on it.

The Top Three: The Recap

Greetings and welcome to your weekly alcohol-fueled recap. Sadly, I'm not quite tanked up yet. However, I'm diligently working on it as I write this (courtesy of Blue Moon Honey Moon Summer Ale, thank you very much.) In retrospect, I should have started swigging this stuff sooner. Oh well, live and learn.

Now, is it just me or was Simon completely defanged tonight? What the fuck was that about? And Paula, dammit, wasn't all high and stuff. This makes me very cranky and I will take this dissatisfaction and... and... uh, translate it into data and then plot it on this week's Scattergram. All the rage and ambition fell out of that potentially emphatic declaration of revolt shortly after I started it. Sorry.

And now, on with the show...

Jordin Sparks
First Song: "Wishing on a Star" by Rose Royce (selected by
Simon Cowell)
This song was wobbly at the start but about halfway through, Jordin grabbed hold and smoothed it out. I dug it. As did Randy and Paula. Despite the fact that he selected it, Simon wasn't happy with the band's "weird jazz arrangement." Ryan dusted off his powers of selective listening and crowed that Simon didn't like his own song, an annoying non-fact he kept repeating because he's an annoying douche.

Second Song: "She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer (selected by the producers)
Unlike the judges who were unanimous in their praise, I thought this sucked balls. I don't blame Jordin. I blame the producers who saddled the poor girl with this relic. Clearly, they hate Jordin. I think because they're getting as tired of her heart-shaped and text-messaging hand gestures as I am.

Third Song: "I Who Have Nothing" by Shirley Bassey
(selected by Jordin)
Jordin resurrected this song from British Invasion Week. If she's going to rely on a repeat then I'm going to do the same by referring y'all to what I wrote back then.

Blake Lewis
First Song: "Roxanne" by The Police (selected by Paula Abdul)
Well, that sucked. And what was up with all that echo? I don't need to third and fourth generation versions of this bullshit.

I don't want to think about this song anymore. Let's look at an unflattering photo of Blake, shall we?

And here's one of the dumb ass sending the mic flying after fucking around with the stand:

Second Song: "This Love" by Maroon 5 (selected by the producers)
If I hate anyone more than Blake, it's Maroon 5. I don't know why since I rarely pay them any attention yet somehow, they've managed to find themselves on my "I hate you" radar. Sucks to be you, Maroon 5.

Third Song: "When I Get You Alone" by Robin Thicke
(selected by Blake)
Okay, so I don't know much about this Robin Thicke character except that his dad is Jason Seaver and he has a mind-boggling falsetto. To clarify, Robin has the falsetto, not Jason Seaver. Well, maybe Jason Seaver did but to my knowledge, there was no episode of "Growing Pains" devoted to it. However, in retrospect, there should have been.

You can't hear it but I'm now singing the theme song in the gnarliest falsetto I can muster. "Show me that smile again..."

Ahem. But I digress, I've seen Robin Thicke's appearances on "Today" and "American Idol" and both times, I sat there stunned and simultaneously repelled by the stank that was seeping out of my television's speakers. I honestly don't get the appeal. His voice was whispery, thin and really high. It sounded like a joke. Alas, it was the real deal and apparently, it's tearing up the charts.

I do not understand America.

So, getting back to tonight, I scowled when I heard Robin Thicke's name and was dreading Blake's attempt at being a castrato. And then, out came this other uptempo song sung in a normal register and I was actually relieved. Which is not to say I liked it, mind you, but I was grateful for the fact that Blake didn't sing as if his balls were in a vice.

So, uh, good stuff, I guess?

Melinda Doolittle
First Song: "I Believe in You and Me" by Whitney Houston (selected by Randy Jackson)
I tend to hate Whitney ballads but this shit was good. Although, it pains me to give even an ounce of credit to anything associated with Randy. I hate him. Maybe more than Maroon 5. But not nearly as much as I loathe Al Roker. Fuck you, Al!

Second Song: "Nutbush City Limits" by Ike and Tina Turner (selected by the producers)
That was hot. And the word "nutbush" makes me giggle. 'Cause I'm a juvenile tard like that.

Third Song: "I'm a Woman" by Peggy Lee (selected by Melinda)
Oh goodie! Another repeat. And you know what that means! Less work for me!!

Predictions: Before tonight's episode, I thought for sure that Blake was easily on his way out but that fucker managed to get decent reviews after each performance. Stupid asswipe. However, I don't think it was enough to stop Melinda and Jordin from making it to the finals.

And it seems that you guys agree. At press time (hee hee, I still get a kick out of saying that), Blake has 63 percent of the going-home vote.

Didn't vote yet? Well, what are you waiting for? The poll will be open until 9:00 PM EST on Wednesday. Speak now or you can't bitch about the results. That's our job, remember?

Poll Time: Who Will Be the Next to Go?

It's that time again, kiddies. Tell us...

Who's the next to go?
	Blake Lewis
	Jordin Sparks
	Melinda Doolittle
Free polls from Pollhost.com

So Easy Barry Gibb Can Do It

If you'll recall, I originally stated that Barry Gibb was channeling his inner Jesus on Wednesday's episode of "American Idol." While I still think it's an accurate assessment, I realize now that I missed an even more obvious Barry doppelgänger...

How did I not realize this sooner?

Oh but wait... I just indirectly compared Jesus to the GEICO Caveman. Oops. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to confession...

Update: Dammit! I'm not so original after all. TMZ made this same comparison a full day before I did. I just discovered it now. I'm not a copycat, TMZ. If anything, I think just like you. HIRE ME!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 17

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 9.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Not much to analyze this week. Between random countdowns and repeated assertions of Jessica Alba's hotness, we think Paula was hit one too many times with the crazy stick this week. Not that she was wrong about Jessica Alba being hot, mind you. No, quite the contrary. However, there's a time and a place for such remarks. You know, like atop a ladder perched near Jessica's window, far out of reach the angry Dobermans roaming the grounds of her estate. You know, so I've heard...

As for Sanjaya, the aftertaste of his suckiness still lingers and will continue to do so for the remainder of the season.

Until next time, think continued brain damage!

The Final Four: The Results

Y'all are two for two! Congrats on successfully guessing LaKisha's ouster in this week's poll. Any of you want to come with me to the track? Or the corner bodega to get me a Mega Millions ticket? I'll cut you in, I promise.

I still have a wicked cough but I popped a few Ricola and managed to suppress the full body heaving enough to snap a few pictures tonight. You're welcome, bitches.

So, on with the show...

After the usual blather, we were introduced to the judges (for those among us suffering from short-term memory loss, I suppose.) For reasons still unclear to me, Simon and Paula switched seats at the judging table. Paula tried to explain it but all I got out of it as "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" and "Jessica Alba, you're hot." Fuck what I said last night, the bitch is getting a 9 this week.

Anyhoo, since he was occupying her usual seat, Simon treated us to a dead-on imitation of Paula's seal clap. Behold!

And then, much to my surprise, and I'll admit, disappointment, Paula managed to make a funny with her accurate portrayal of Simon's creepy nipple rubbing...

During the recap of last night's performances, I made an important discovery: Melinda once again soaked the first few rows with some errant spit. How did I miss this on Tuesday?!

That's becoming an issue, Mindy Doo. You might want to hook up your audience with complimentary tarps from now on.

And then we were subject to some more painful padding to fill out the hour, including insipid, charmless man-on-the-street interviews and an extended promo of the upcoming Idols Live tour. I understand that the producers want to capitalize on the large audience to tout the concert series, however, who was the dumb ass who edited a promo containing quite possibly the worst performances ever? We saw Hayley murdering "True Colors," Gina butchering "Paint It Black" and, of course, Sanjaya's memorable mangling of "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. Um, do they want people to NOT show up?

Then Pink performed and it was awesome. I have no beef with Pink.

I cannot say the same for Barry Gibb and his gigantic dentures sorely in need of a filing down...

He finished up his song with a dramatic pose and facial expression that just screamed, "Rise, Lazarus! I command you to rise!"

I sat on my couch with a perplexed look on my face as the crowd showered Gibb with lengthy and loud applause. And Bill Maher! Bill Maher, of all people, seemed to really dig the theatrics, bad dentistry and all.

Really Bill Maher? You like "American Idol"? And... Barry Gibb? Seriously?

New Rule: Bill Maher cannot partake in such pussy dealings if he wants to maintain the inappropriately dirty crush I have on him. As it stands, that fantasy is kind of ruined.

The Final Four: The Recap

Good evening, ladies and germs. And I do mean germs. A lovely rattling cough has settled into my chest and it's making me quite miserable. Mmm... dry, barking cough. 'Tis lovely, 'tis. Between that and some girl trouble, I wasn't really in the mood to watch "American Idol" tonight much less take my usual batch of grainy photos. But I did watch and take notes but the camera remained buried in my bag somewhere so there will be no visual aids this week. If I have to be in pain, so do you all of you. Sharing is caring, yo.

Also noteworthy: I'm not drinking Riesling tonight. I bought beer instead (Corona Extra, if you must know) because I'm sort of mopey and I don't want to end up all depressed. Wine makes me weepy, you see. Also, I'm starting to get funny looks from the cashier at the Heights Chateau when I stop in for my weekly fix of Clean Slate so I'm lying low for a while. And by "a while," I mean until next Tuesday. Or maybe tomorrow. We'll see.

On with the show...

So Barry Gibb was tonight's mentor. He was pleasant and helpful, I suppose. However, the most noticeable thing about Barry had to be those ill-fitting dentures. Someone needs to call Select Dental, methinks.

Melinda Doolittle
First Song: "Love You Inside and Out"
Yet another solid yet non-descript vocal. She was roundly pooh-poohed as boring by the judges.

Second Song: "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?"
This started out dull and boring but Melinda really reached in towards the middle and breathed some much-needed life into this ballad. Simon remarked that "the second half of the song has put you into the semi-finals." I agree. Paula, on the other hand, tried to offer constructive criticism by saying, "Throw all your technique away and just..."

Just what, Paula? Yeah, that was real helpful. I'm sure Melinda is taking it into consideration. You're getting an 8 this week, dumb ass.

Blake Lewis
First Song: "You Should Be Dancing"
Second Song: "This Is Where I Come In"
Neither song was that memorable for me to critique them separately. Blake trotted out the 311-style vocals and beatboxing YET AGAIN and for once, Randy called him on it. Randy was good and cranky tonight and, I may soon regret this, but I sort of liked him tonight. When he's offering substantial criticism, he's less prone to saying things like, "Good looking out." I HATE when Randy says "Good looking out," primarily because I don't know what it means. Actually, wait... he said "Good looking out" to LaKisha tonight so I guess that makes it a moot point. In that case, fuck you, Randy.

Anyhoo, Simon shit all over Blake and I'm pretty sure it's going to fire up his base thereby securing his spot in the top three. Bummer because he's tired and he sucks.

LaKisha Jones
First Song: "Stayin' Alive"
Second Song" "Run to Me"
Again, neither song was distinct enough to merit its own paragraph. And again, LaKisha opted for an appalling green gown. Didn't we already discuss this, Kiki?! You're going home this week and you have only yourself -- and your questionable fashion choices -- to blame.

Jordin Sparks
First Song: "To Love Somebody"
Jordin wisely chose a non-gimmicky BeeGees song in her first outing earning her raves all around. And Barry Gibb totally hearts Jordin stating that there's "no greater version of 'To Love Somebody' than Jordin's" and then he said she'd be one of the great female vocalists of our time. Normally, I'd be jealous of the attention he was lavishing on my girl but dude, those choppers! I have NOTHING to worry about as my teeth are aligned and proportionate with the rest of my mouth.

Second Song: "Woman In Love"
She didn't fare as well with this song and the "Lord of the Rings"-inspired gown but her first number was strong enough to safely carry her to the finals.

Predictions
Bottom Two: Blake Lewis and LaKisha Jones
Going Home: As of press time (hee hee... I always wanted to say that), you, our esteemed Midol readers, think LaKisha will be hitting the bricks. And I'm inclined to agree. Ciao, KiKi. It's been real.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 16

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 7.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Okay, so while there were no tears nor seal claps from Paula this week, she did show a promising return to retarded form. She was rocking that far-away look in her glassy eyes and the same smirk on her face that I get after I just smoked a doob. As such, our Cranky Quotient plummeted to a gloriously anemic 3. We would have been less cranky had there been more histrionics and some solid blubbering but hey, we'll take what we can get.

And yes, Sanjaya still sucks.

Until next time, think psychotic episode!

The Top 6 Results

Wow, I think I may have a drinking problem. My productivity has taken a hit and I'm making excuses as well as promises of recaps I can't possibly keep. However, The Lovely Jess came through with your weekly fix so get off my back, yo. Seriously, there's a Riesling-flavored monkey already on it and there's simply not room for all of you.

The monkey stays, bitches.

And now the housekeeping portion of the post...

According to the results of our poll, the readers of American Midol correctly predicted tonight's outcome: Phil and Chris hit the bricks. However, I'm a dumb ass and forgot to turn off the voting before the live show began ('cause I'm overly fond of the drink) and when I last checked the results during the "legal" time frame, y'all had LaKisha pegged for extinction along with Chris. So if we're going to go the integrity route, you're only half right. But fuck integrity and dignity, congrats on your accuracy.

Bummer about Chris though. I mean, really, how hot is he?!

Hubba hubba. Here's one mug, however, that I won't be sad to see leave:

And since I didn't post a proper recap as promised, whiny ones, here's some choice shots from last night's show:

I don't know why but LaKisha reminds me of Patrick from "SpongeBob SquarePants" in this photo. Maybe it's because she's so very blobby and triangular. Perhaps I'm off-base but methinks LaKisha should refrain from ever wearing shorts with a tropical pattern -- Jams, if you will -- just the same.

Here's Blake and his "old man mouth" (full credit for that brilliant description goes to Melissa McGee) in all its glory:

And, lastly, here's a little bit of low-tech animation of Melinda Doolittle doing her best to rock the devil prongs. This makes me adore her even more.

Bye, Chris. I'll miss you. Oh and psst... call Jess. As for you Phil, may you finally rest in peace.

Poll Time: Which Two Are Going Home?

I'm pleased to report that the fog o' nice that had enveloped me this past week seems to be subsiding. In fact, I just tripped an old lady out in the street because she was moving too slow for my liking. What?! Dumb bitch had it coming.

Ah, it's good to be back.

Okay, so our friends at American Idol were equally wussy during this aggravatingly feel-good week and failed to boot one of the final six. However, they're going to treat us to a second helping of "See ya!" next Wednesday. Twice the misery!! Aw yeah! So, tell us...

Which two 'Idol' hopefuls are going home?
	Blake Lewis
	Chris Richardson
	Jordin Sparks
	LaKisha Jones
	Melinda Doolittle
	Phil Stacey
Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 15

Inspired (or rather, guilt-ridden) by this week's Idol Gives Back fundraiser, we're giving Paula a pass this week. Rest assured, we'll be back to scrutinizing her sanity level in earnest next week.

Top 6: The Toothless Recap

In tonight's episode, the Top 6 performed songs of compassion and hope in celebration of Idol Gives Back. Normally I'd roll my eyes at such cheese but well, I can't do that since Idol Gives Back is a noble effort and in the spirit of this worthy and generous cause, I'm dialing back the snark to zero tonight. Rest assured, I'll be back and overflowing with piss and vinegar next week. Until then, here's tonight's rundown:

Chris Richardson
Performed "Change the World" by Eric Clapton

I didn't dig it but the judges did. (I warned you this was toothless.)

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "There Will Come a Day" by Faith Hill

I didn't like the song but Melinda sang it well. The judges went batshit over it yet again and I began to detect a judging pattern.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Imagine" by John Lennon

Simon described Blake's rather bland performance as "sensitive." And he wasn't being the least bit haughty about it! Uh yup, I'm definitely not the only one who feels too guilty to pooh-pooh the performances tonight. Polite overpraise was the theme of the evening.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "I Believe" by Fantasia

Wow, the first performer to get across-the-board criticism tonight. Also, I think it's the first time in the history of Idol where a performer had the audacity to sing songs by past winners TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. LaKisha already tread on Jennifer Hudson's turf early in the competition so it's particularly noticeable now. Hmmm... I wonder if she'll dip into the Jasmine Trias songbook next week... if there IS a next week for KiKi.

Phil Stacey
Performed "The Change" by Garth Brooks

Simon was downright syrupy while heaping his "I like yous" on Phil tonight. I needed to go brush my teeth afterwards what with all the sugar and my usual Phil-inspired vomiting. Okay, so that was slightly snarky. I couldn't resist.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "You'll Never Walk Alone" from the musical, Carousel

It started out wobbly but it got solid towards the end but again, I wasn't as jazzed as the judges seemed to be. Even so, I'm zipping it... for now.

Predictions
Bottom Three: LaKisha, Blake and Phil
Going Home: LaKisha

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 14

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Ding dong, Sanjaya is gone! However, his data line remains because, really, his level o' suck will remain consistently high, with or without a berth on the show. In other words, the green line is staying.

Maybe now that the dead weight is gone, Paula will have one of them there bona fide breakdowns when she becomes overcome by the talent of one of the remaining hopefuls. Aw, fuck it... who am I kidding? She's as bored of this batch of nobodies as we all are. I hate them all for making Paula Abdul, of all people, appear mentally competent. This is a sad season, indeed.

Until next time, think hairy conniption!

Monday News Update

So I kinda I blew off Friday's news update and I never bothered to update The Official Paula Scattergram. Yeah, I kinda suck. Anyhoo, the latter is coming soon and the former is... well, do you really care at this point? It's old by now. Move on.

Here are today's headlines:

It's Official: Phil Stacey Is the Worst
It took a website to tell us this? I've been saying this for weeks, bitches. (Vote for the Worst)

Sanjaya Delivers Tonight's Top 10 List on 'Letterman'
Nope, the shock of his meteoric rise/fall/newfound fame still hasn't worn off. I need more time. (Orlando Sentinel)

Sanjaya Did D.C.
Global warming, schmobal warming -- it was Karl Rove's impassioned defense and feverish voting for Sanjaya that set Sheryl Crow off. (People)

Ellen DeGeneres to Host 'Idol Gives Back'
Ellen promises to give Paula a run for her money what with all the rambling anecdotes, non-sequiturs and sporadic fits of dancing. At least it ain't Rosie. (CBS News)

Celine & Elvis to Perform Duet... Yes, I Said Celine & Elvis to Perform a Duet. I Shit You Not
It's far too creepy and sacrilegious for me to give it an ounce more thought so I won't. (TMZ)

Sayonara, Sanjaya

Normally when my predictions are this far off, I get a bit cranky but tonight, my friends, I'm happy to be wrong. I'm grateful to be wrong, even. Check this out:

Sanjaya's Last Ridiculous Hairdo



Sanjaya's Last Time in The Bottom Three



Sanjaya's Last Creepy Face



Sanjaya's Last G-Rated Camera Fuck



Sanjaya's Last Time Hugging It out with LaKisha

More coverage to come tomorrow when the shock has subsided here at American Midol headquarters. Until then, so long, goodbye, aufwiedersehen, adieu, Sanjaya. It's been real... annoying. Good riddance.

Part 7 Recap: The Sequel

My esteemed colleague, The Lovely Jess, already brought you her take on the evening's song stylings so I'm going to blow through tonight's lineup focusing less on the vocals and more on what is undeniably my strong suit: shallow snap judgments. As Randy would say, it's in my wheelhouse, dawg.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Where the Black Top Ends" by Keith Urban
Wow, I hate country music and well, this didn't suck. Phil's attire, however, did. Seriously, he needs to stop with the skinny jeans/oversized button-down shirt combo.

Oh, and again with the "I love you" sign language?! (Thanks for pointing that out, Bubbajane). So what, Phil is now courting the deaf vote? He should really leave that to Sanjaya, no?

Jordin Sparks
Performed "A Broken Wing" by Martina McBride
Wow, dude, that takes balls to sing a song by the mentor. That could have easily stooped to Blake-Sings-Marc-Anthony territory but girlfriend brought it home this week. That was not brown-nosing. That was bad ass. Although, the outfit? Was that from the Wonder Woman Evening Wear Collection? Jordin, I can't possibly continue to crush on you when you dress like this. Go see Jess about some image pointers NOW. Please and thank you.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt
Clearly Sanjaya was both competing in American Idol and simultaneously auditioning for membership in the Nashville Bloods with tonight's get-up:

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood
Notice that Kiki's titties were nowhere to be seen tonight. It's 'cause she was singing about Jesus, y'all. Understandable modesty. But really, What Would Jesus Say About Those Gold Lamé Boots? (WWJSATGLB)

Chris Richardson
Performed "Mayberry" by Rascal Flats
As cute as he is, Chris is getting hard to root for what with the flat notes, the bobbing and weaving dance moves (even during country week!) and his impassioned defense of nasally vocals. Still, he looked adorable and I don't mind keeping him around for some eye candy.

God, I really am the worst lesbian ever.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Trouble Is a Woman" by Julie Reeves
I have nothing to say that other than her usual masterful performance, Melinda looked fabulous and age appropriate tonight. Behold!

Blake Lewis
Performed "When the Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw
Whoa! I actually knew this song. Then again, my exposure to it is both through The Corrs and Ryan Adams, NOT Tim McGraw. But whatever, Blake didn't fuck it up with his usual "isms" as Paula called them and I can't shit on him this week. Let's see how long this stay of execution lasts.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Chris Richardson, LaKisha Jones and Phil Stacey
Going Home: Hmm... it could be Chris but I think Phil's reached his expiration date. In fact, he's been smelling for weeks but it's high time to ditch him.

Friday News Update

Hi, I'm Carson Daly and I'm a Massive Tool
Carson joins the voting for Sanjaya bandwagon citing the singer's different hairstyles as his main reason for doing so. I'll just leave it at that because really, I can't say anything snotty enough to make Carson look even worse. (People)

We'll Always Have Paris... To Hate On
My, my... it seems Ms. Bennett has quite the Jennifer Hudson-like resentful streak going on. Calling the show "a joke," among other things, the squeaky-voiced runt from Season 5 is throwing her support behind Sanjaya in an effort to ruin the show. You know, the very show that made her famous... Well, as famous as Paris Bennett can possibly be. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell: This Season Blows
'Nuff said. (Reality TV World)

Behind the Scenes with the 'Idols' and Entertainment Weekly
This week's EW is devoted to the show we love to hate. Check out this five-minute (ish) video to get some insight into the Idol personalities from the man who interviewed them: Dave Karger. Again, no further snot from me because, unlike Carson Daly, I actually dig Dave Karger. I find his writing and Today show appearances to be delightful.

And yes, I'm hoping he Googles himself and drops us an email. Hi Dave! (EW)

Bucky's CD Hits Stores
Personally, I don't give a rat's ass but I know the mention would make Jess and Mejack happy and I'm nothing if not a shameless ass kisser... except when it comes to Bucky. And Paris. And Taylor Hicks. And Chris Daughtry. And Paula Abdul. And Ernest Borgnine. (Elites TV)

Thursday News Update

J. Lo: That Was Harsh, Yo
It seems Jennifer Lopez didn't think Simon's critique of Haley Scarnato's ever-shrinking wardrobe was very nice. Of course, this is also coming from a woman whose less-than-modest wardrobe choices revolutionized the use of double-sided tape. Hit a nerve, Jenny? (People)

TMZ Goes Inside 'Idol'
The venerable gossip site scored some tickets to this week's show and filed a report on what happened on-camera and off. Why should you care? Two words: Donna Mills. (TMZ)

Season 2 Sex Tape Scandal!
Season Two contestant Olivia Mojica and her boyfriend recorded some of their hot monkey sex and the tape is making the rounds. The only shocking and/or noteworthy thing about this? I have no recollection whatsoever of Olivia. None. However, people will no doubt Google her and I'm a whore for search term traffic so into the news update she goes. Welcome, horny Googlers! (TMZ)

The Truth about Haley's Gams
The long-legged purveyor of suck would like us to believe that her spectacular legs benefit from a bit of the old Max Factor magic. Oh shut up, Haley. Your legs are your one true talent. Embrace 'em and flaunt 'em 'cause your singing sure as hell ain't getting you anywhere. MEE-ow! (EW)

Sanjaya's Sweet Lord
Did you know that Sanjaya's family are former Hare Krishnas? You know, come to think of it, I thought I saw him rocking a tambourine in an airport once. Oh, and he was also poor or some shit like that. Read on. (The Post Chronicle)

Holy Rollers Rejoice that a Dirty Heathen Got the Heave-ho
Hallelujah and praise be! Haley has rejoined Satan in the Ninth Circle of Hell while the Bible Thumpers, Phil Stacy and Jordin Sparks, survived another week. Praise Jesus and pass the collection plate for their prayers have been answered. It's good to know the Son of God is focusing on what really matters. (The Christian Post)

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Weeks 12 & 13

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 3.0 (out of a possible 10). Last week, she was a 7.0 (primarily for the Sanjaya/Frank Sinatra comparison) but I was too lazy to post about it. You'll live. For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Haley's ouster was long overdue and not at all shocking and since Paula wasn't too keen on her anyway, there was no real catalyst for a certified crying jag. In fact, there were no discernible outbursts or flashes of crazy this week at all. Man, this season sucks. However, Paula's eyes were quit slit-like and her speech had a slower cadence, which to me, suggests medication of the sedative variety. Actually, come to think of it, she looked a lot like I did after I was doped up on hydrocodone after getting a few teeth yanked some years back. Mmm... Vicodin.

Until next time, think chemical imbalance!

Top 8: The Recap

Welcome to Latin Week, or as I like to call it: The Tribute to Santana and Gloria Estefan. Apparently, judging by this week's song selections, the only exposure this crop of contestants had to so-called Latin music was at the dentist's office or in elevators.

Oh and I totally take back what I said about J.Lo yesterday because she was actually a thoughtful and helpful mentor. I'm big enough to admit when I've been a beaver. Just don't any of you jump on the bandwagon 'cause I'll cut a bitch. I so will. Seriously, don't try me.

Okay, enough with the idle threats and on with the show...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Sway"
As always, I thought Melinda did a fine job with this. Yes, she lacked a smoldering passion but there's only so much heat one can exude when completely devoid of a neck.

Also, I didn't dig Simon jumping all over her tonight. I thought it had less to do with the quality of her performance and more to do with the fact that he wanted to finally rag on her after all this time. Not nice, Simon. Not nice. Point that vitriol at Blake. Boyfriend needs to be taken down a notch or twelve.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Conga" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
OMG, I hated this. Then again, I hate the Gloria Estefan version of this song so LaKisha was up shit's creek from the get-go. Even Paula pooped on it in that way that only Paula can, "First, you look lovely..." and then she went to repeat various iterations of the phrase "safe performance" more times than I can remember. Translation: You sucked balls, Kiki.

Oh, and again with trotting out the gigantic titties! Check these out:

I guess LaKisha figures if bare legs are keeping Haley around, she might as well flaunt her congas, er, I mean cans. I mean breasts. Yes, breasts.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Smooth" by Santana
Oh man, Chris, why'd you have to go and ruin it for me? I was loving you so much and then you had to drag Rob Thomas into it. That's unforgivable and you deserve to be punished. Go see Jess for a spanking.

Haley Scarnato
Performed "Turn the Beat Around" by Gloria Estefan
She sucked, yadda, yadda, yadda. I can't keep coming up with new ways to say this so I won't even try. Instead, here's the requisite hoochie mama shot of Haley and her legs for all you dirty Googlers:

Phil Stacey
Performed "Maria, Maria" by Santana
J.Lo said Phil gave her goose pimples. Not to be outdone, I want you all to know that Creepy Phil makes me shit my pants at least once a week.

Also, Phil doesn't know how to count. His assigned number this week was "5" and lookie how many digits he's holding up during his "appeal."

Good, more votes for Chris Richardson, even though he broke my heart with his Matchbox 20 association.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
Yet another song I detest. But I do find it promising that Jordin, when asked by a viewer what theme she'd pick for an upcoming show, stated 80s music as her choice. With the exception of Gloria Estefan and that ilk, I adore the 80s music. I think it's a sign.

Jordin, I'll spin you right 'round like a record, baby, round round. I'll stop the world and melt with you. I want you to want me. When a problem comes around, we must whip it. We got the beat and, uh, I've got Bette Davis eyes. Actually, I don't but it sounded good and oh, fuck it. I'm drunk. I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Need to Know" by Marc Anthony
The minute he announced his song choice I yelled, "Ass kisser!" Way to brownie up to the mentor, Blake.

Much to my chagrin, Randy and Simon called it a great song choice and best of the night. Paula stated that the performance "captured the essence of who you are." To which I yelled, "Yeah, a tremendous douche bag copycat!"

I was doing a lot of yelling at the screen tonight. Again, I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Besame Mucho"
Is it just me or did Sanjaya look just like El DeBarge tonight?

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... LaKisha Jones are in the Bottom Three. Phil, pack your coffin and go.

Monday News Brief

Move Over Alaina...
Chris Richardson found something leaner... Lauren Conrad, to be exact. I really have nothing to add because I don't care enough about the girl to investigate further except that I think she's on one of those MTV shows I don't watch. Am I right? It's some unscripted crap about a hilly beach or some shit like that, yes? Oh, I don't care, just as long as Chris is gettin' him some, gettin' him some. That's my boy. (BuddyTV)

Hooked on Phonics Worked for Fantasia
She's not illiterate. She just can't read lots of letters when they're next to lots of other letters. There's a difference, duh. (People)

Paula Said What?
Are you like me? Have you memorized all of Paula's ramblings this season? If so, test your scary mettle with EW.com's new quiz which asks you to name the judge's critique. Here's a hint: If the quote contains the word "dawg" in it, it's a good bet it's Randy. You're welcome. (EW)

Don't Be Fooled by the Rocks That She's Got...
... She's still one of the single most overrated musical talents ever. That's right, boys and girls, J.Lo hits the Idol stage this week. Stay tuned for lots of uncomfortable interactions, empty praise, fake hugs and -- her speciality -- deep nasal vocals. Hot. (AmericanIdol.com)

Friday News Update

Is Ryan Seacrest's Future in Unattractive Eyewear?
According to Larry King, it could very well be. The creepy late-night host with a propensity for proving his virility with young trophy wives thinks Ryan Seacrest, of all people, is his suitable replacement when he retires. Seriously, Larry King? Oh wait… on second thought, if ridiculous overcompensation is the main prerequisite for landing the gig then well yes, Ryan is the heir apparent. (FishbowlLA)

Sanjaya Malakar: A Pundit's Perspective
Eugene Robinson, a top political correspondent from The Washington Post, weighs in on the Sanjaya issue. Glad to know that with the whole war in Iraq, upcoming presidential election and general brink of doom the word is teetering on, The Washington Post retains its perspective.

Jordin Scores a Touchdown with the NFL
Wow, I think I just took the crown for the most pat, unoriginal news headline ever. Go me! Rah rah sis boom bah and all that other shit. (People)

People Tend to Think Sanjaya Sucks, Blah Blah Blah
Concerned that Vote for the Worst is having an adverse effect on this season's results, VoteAgainstTheWorst.com was launched in an effort to restore "integrity" to the program. Um, have you actually seen those Ford commercials we're saddled with each week, Vote Against the Worst? Still going with the integrity thing, are ya? (TMZ)

Carrie Underwood Feels Icky Around Boys
Have you considered girls, Carrie? Namely me. I'll respect you in the morning, I swear. No really I will. And I won't blog about it. It will just be our secret. I couldn't be more serious. I mean it. Call me. I love you. (People)

Monday News Update

Ryan Seacrest Taps Jordin Sparks
To win, people... TO WIN. (People)

Speaking of Ryan's Homosexuality...
Dude, when you utter the phrase "deep tissue massage" in the same sentence as "Simon Cowell," it doesn't exactly do much in the whole dispelling rumors department. (Daily News)

We're Not Alone in our Annoyance
It seems Sanjaya's fellow contestants are none too pleased with his indestructibility. You might even say they're pissed. My guess is that it's Haley Scarnato leading the backstage backlash because Sanjaya's stealing her sucky thunder. She's actually the worst, dammit, and she wants y'all to recognize. (TMZ)

The Creepy 'Idol' Bandleader: Unmasked
Everything you wanted to know about Rickey Minor! Actually, I'm not sure anyone cares but I was in desperate need of non-Sanjaya-related filler. (CNN)

Elliott Sets a Record
Surprisingly, it wasn't in a fucked-up teeth contest. Congrats, Elliott! (Post Chronicle)

Tony Bennett Sings with Idols This Week
Here's hoping he didn't leave his hearing aid in San Francisco too.(Starpulse News Blog)

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 11... Now with More Sanjaya!

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.5 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10
Sanjaya's Key: Sucks Hard: 1-10; Sucks Major Ass: 4-6; Sucks Big, Hairy Donkey Dick: 7-10

Analysis: Paula actually had her shit together this week. Her behavior is becoming as predictable and boring as American Idol itself. I blame the contestants, both for boring the shit out of us and keeping Paula sharp. She has no one to root for this season. Last year, Elliott's manky teeth captured Paula's heart and she championed the little troll all the way into the final three, blubbering and bawling the whole way. LaKisha has a somewhat busted grill but she's not nearly as lovable as Elliott. Melinda has no neck but then again, that's not really all that endearing a malady. It would appear that we're screwed.

Since Paula's instability has taken a backseat to Sanjaya's unlikely popularity this season, we've decided to track his performance each with a Level o' Suck (depicted in green above). Actually, we took the liberty of slapping him with a 10 for the remainder of the season because, let's face it, he's not exactly going to improve. While his hairdos may change from week to week, his shitty brand of whispery suck remains consistently awful.

But there's still a small shred of hope for Paula. Maybe she'll lose her shit because of Sanjaya's staying power. Or maybe LaKisha's boring and predictable song choices will make her fly off the handle. Or perhaps Blake will spray it, not say it during one of his beatbox routines and some saliva will land in her big red Coke cup and will send her into a rage unlike anything we've ever seen before. Hell, if someone cut my vodka with spit, I'd start kicking people in the teeth right quick.

Fingers crossed that Paula is similarly prone to gross overreactions!

Results Show Recap

D'oh! My record for predicting cast-offs is no longer flawless. So long, Chris Sligh. I knew you were on your way out but I thought you had at least one more week in you. Alas, Haley Scarnato and her long legs tripped us both up.

Sigh... where's Jeff Gillooly when you need him?

Haley caused another stumble of sorts. Such a troublemaker, that one. Before throwing to a commercial, Ryan informed us that we'd find out who would join "Phil and Stacey" in the Bottom Three after the break. Later, Ryan corrected his mistake just as some dumb ass in the control room switched to a REALLY bad live shot thereby casting Hayley and a few others in an awkward light thereby making the correction null and void...

Not exactly crisp, precise production values tonight, huh?

Actually, while I'm on the subject, does the show really hate Haley or something? Did you catch Ryan's bitchy fake out when the Bottom Three were assembled? Ryan announced that he was about to send someone to safety. "HALEY," he said emphatically, leading her -- and us -- to believe that she was getting the pass back to safety. "You'll have to stand there another moment. Phil, you're safe." Meow, Ryan. MEEE-OW!

And then, as Simon predicted, Chris got the boot and I felt a little twinge of sadness because even though he started to bug me in recent weeks, he really was a nice fella. I actually paid attention to his tribute montage thingy (whilst plugging my ears so as not to hear that crap ass Daughtry song) because Chris was actually an entertaining contestant at one point. And then somewhere along the line, he got swallowed up by the show and the pressure that comes with it. The boy clearly lost his spark. I can't say for certain but I almost think that Chris is relieved his run is over and so he can go back to being chubby, cracking wise and worshipping Jesus (not necessarily in that order).

Gwen Stefani sounded much better live than I was anticipating. I still recall a particularly heinous rendition of "Spider Web" she performed on the MTV Video Awards some years back. She was so busy jumping around the stage, she became winded and ended up sounding like crap. However, now she makes silent Japanese girls do all the dancing for her so her voice doesn't get all ragged and screamy.

And because it seems no recap would be complete without at least some mention of Sanjaya or his hair, here's Ryan predictably getting in on the act...

Seriously, does anyone know how I can get a hold of Gillooly?

Top 10 Recap II: Electric Boogaloo

Even though Jess already brought you all a killer recap and we agree on many, many points (two huge ones in particular, both belonging to LaKisha), there are a few issues on which we part ways. Without further ado, here's my take on the proceedings:

Wow, is it just me or is Gwen Stefani a bit of a social retard when she's not on stage singing and thrashing about in ridiculous outfits most of us with good vision and a shred of self-respect wouldn't be caught dead in?

Perhaps she was the victim of editing but in her interactions with the Top 10, Gwen didn't seem all that warm nor engaged with the contestants. Lulu was totally eating that shit up last week and she sent the girls on their way with sound advice and a shot of confidence whereas Gwen showed little-to-no interest in shepherding them. Maybe Gwen was just bummed that the finalists weren't Japanese and she couldn't exploit their culture and dress them in slutty Catholic school uniforms.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Last Dance" by Donna Summer
That was good but not all that compelling. LaKisha's proven herself as a powerhouse vocalist but her performance was sort of mechanical and devoid of emotion. The most memorable thing about LaKisha tonight? THOSE BREASTS. LaKisha ain't really my type but oooh lawdy, I wouldn't mind setting up play date with those girls.

Chris Sligh
Performed "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police
Chris is really starting to get under my skin. When he stands before the judges, he has a tendency to be too agreeable when they criticize him. I know I took him to task for the Teletubbies crack in the early rounds, but really, I prefer the smart-ass Chris over the current version any day.

Now he just nods and agrees with everything the judges say in between making excuses and explaining his choices. He also occasionally affects a look that says, "Look at me absorbing and pondering what the judges are saying." And good God, he even scratches his chin sometimes! I know he's trying to be the good guy but it's kind of gross, actually. Bring back the old Chris. Now.

Gina Glocksen
Performed "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders
Gina done good. Even though I've pissed on her quite a bit this season, I will give credit where credit is due. Was it a showstopper of Carrie-Underwood-Singing-"Alone" proportions? Well, no, but Gina turned in a memorable performance just the same.

The judges all went gaga over Gina and even crotchety Simon lavished her with praise. "Your transformation from three or four weeks ago to tonight is literally chalk and cheese," Cowell stated.

Because Randy is a barely functional retard with a vocabulary limited to about twelve words and phrases, he couldn't wrap his compromised brain around Simon's phrase so he sat there squawking and belaboring an unfunny exchange with Ryan Seacrest about pairing wine with cheese, not chalk, or some stupid shit like that.

While it's not an expression I've ever uttered, I did the rather rudimentary math and figured it out. It's a pretty quick conversion if you have, say, one functioning brain cell. Randy's just a dumb ass. However, if you're similarly stumped, click here to figure out what Simon meant.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Bath Water" by No Doubt
Not even wasting my time with a critique of that bullshit. Instead, let's once again focus on the hair, which I no longer want to brush, FYI...

Haley Scarnato
Performed "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper
What the hell did she do to this song? Why'd she have go and cheese it up beyond recognition? Oh right, because she sucks. Haley (and her annoyingly loud friends in the audience who insisted on yelling over the judges) are done.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Every Breath You Take" by The Police
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to break with my usual style and present my response to Phil's performance in a real time/Kerouac-like/stream-of-consciousness/punctuation-eschewing format:

Oh my God, creepy Phil is being asked a viewer question which means more camera time for him and more rocking in the fetal position for me and oh my God he's singing the creepiest stalker song ever, that freak, Jesus, I can't believe he chose this song... oh, but wait, wait a minute... say, this isn't so bad, actually and his voice is quite nice and ooh he's actually following the lone piece of useful advice Gwen dished out tonight and he's simply sticking to the melody without getting all yelly and screamy and nope, this doesn't suck one bit.

And, exhale! See how I went from truly terrified to all nice and complimentary? Miracles do happen, kids!

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Heaven Knows" by Melinda Doolittle
At this point, it's a given that Melinda's going to kick the song's ass so let's just go ahead and slap her with another "Awesome!" and move on to her outfit. Simon hated it. I wouldn't go that far but I did take note of it in my big yellow legal pad when Melinda took the stage. "I don't think that's the proper silhouette for her frame," I observed.

I learned that term by watching "Project Runway" and I felt all fancy using it. Ditto for "flavor profiles," which I learned courtesy of "Top Chef," although, admittedly, I didn't take any notes last night about Melinda's flavor profiles because, well, we're looking at and listening to Melinda, not eating her. And other than "Tastes like chicken," I'm not really sure what else I could possibly say about a human's flavor profiles.

Wait, what was my point again?

Blake Lewis
Performed "Love Song" by The Cure
Okay, while they may Jess's number two band, The Cure is most definitely at the top of my list so I may get a bit feisty in the next couple of paragraphs. When Seacrest announced at the beginning of the show that a contestant was tackling a Cure song, I knew right away that it would be Blake. And I knew that mofo was going to pick "Love Song" and I knew he was going to give it the 311 treatment. I'm tired of him getting credit for being fresh and original. He's not! Fuck Paula! Girlfriend earned a high Level o' Crazy number from me tonight merely because she gushed over the "originality" of this shit. It was NOT original. Don't credit Blake for the arrangement. He merely copied what's already been done, somewhat poorly by 311.

This is the same bullshit praise heaped on Taylor last season when he aped Michael McDonald's song stylings and Joe Cocker's spaz-outs and was lauded as "unique" and "original." Last time I checked, that shit was called celebrity impersonation, not originality. If this keeps up, I'm withdrawing my votes for all the current contestants and throwing my support behind Rich Little.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Hey Baby" by No Doubt
It's a pleasure to watch Jordin, and not just because I think she's cute. She's having fun. And like Simon said, she's getting more confident as the weeks go by. However, she's not surrendering any of her humility or charm as a result. I didn't love the vocal but then again, that song doesn't really demand much of one. She worked the attitude and the sassy outfit all over the stage and didn't embarrass herself in the process. That's my girl.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Don't Speak" by No Doubt
Randy liked Chris's "flavor" and Paula looked all creepy as she cooed, "You're good, Chris, you're good. Just good." I'm not entirely sure she was referring to his singing. Gross. Simon, on the other hand, didn't dig it. And, for once, I have to disagree with him. I actually think Chris did a good job with this song. He's had trouble in the past trying to yank notes up, down, left and right often to awkward effect. But tonight, he seemed to have a bit more control and while his voice does skew a bit nasal at times, I do think it has a nice tone. I'm going to take Chris on as my pet project in the voting department until Rich Little officially enters the race.

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... tough one again, Chris Sligh are in the Bottom Three this week but it's Haley and her hot gams who's going home.

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 10

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 5.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10
Our Key: Doing Cartwheels: 1-3; Kinda Bummed: 4-6; Majorly Pissed: 7-10

Analysis: Bummer. Paula behaved herself on both of this week's installments. No histrionics, no indecipherable gibberish (relatively speaking) and no crying spells. However! Did you catch her bizarre appearance on Letterman?! This, my friends, maintains her Level o' Crazy at five. Nowhere in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram rules does it say that her hysteria is limited to American Idol episodes. Even it was in the rules, I'd totally defy that stipulation because, well, I can. I don't have much power but what little I do possess, I do my best to wield obnoxiously. How am I doing?

Until next time, think dementia!

Friday News Update... on Saturday

So yeah, I'm bringing you yesterday's news update today. How bad ass am I? Actually, tired as all fuck is the more accurate term. Pardon the missed deadline. Mama had a case of the exhaustion, you see.

Okay, enough stalling. Here are your headlines, bitches:

Warning: Freaky Sanjaya Photoshop Experiment Ahead
Hours later and I'm still trying to get the sting out of my scorched eyes. (TMZ)

Bucky Covington Sings, Sings a Song... of Paralysis
I'm betting it will be the feel-good hit of the summer. (People)

Gwen Stefani's 'Idol' Appearance Is upon Us
It's Gwen's turn to mentor the hopefuls during Pop Week. No word on whether she'll be encouraging them to dress like complete and total tards. (The Gossip Fix)

Past Contestant Report Card
See how Kimberly Locke stacks up against Kellie Pickler. And I swear this has nothing to do with breast size. No really, it doesn't. (Scripps)

LaKisha's Daughter Wants Her Mama Back
Little Brionne is really missing her mommy and wants her home tout de suite. Hmmm... I think we now know who's really jamming the phone lines with votes for Sanjaya. (MLive.com)

Monday News Update

That Was Pitchy for Me, Dawg
Are you like me? Do you often find yourself exclaiming, "Whatcoo tawkin' bout, Randy Jackson?" when the vocab-challenged judge launches into one of his rambling critiques that goes on forever even though it's comprised of only about three different words shuffled around and repeated ad nauseum? Yeah, I thought so. But believe it or not, one of his favored phrases -- pitchy -- is actually a valid statement! This is about as disturbing as Paula's recent spell of lucidity. (People)

Haley Scarnato Is -- Ew -- Wearing Katharine McPhee's Old Extensions
As a kid who grew up wearing my older sisters' hand-me-downs, I'm really in no position to criticize when someone else gets extra mileage out of, say, a pair of culottes, but -- and I never thought I'd have to say this -- I have to draw the line at used hair. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell Is a Sunday Driver
While Simon may boast of cutting verbal slaps and an unparalleled collection of V-necks, he ain't all that impressive on the race track, according to Mario Andretti and a couple of other racing dudes I don't know and can't be bothered to look up. (People)

LaKisha Tops the Power List
Entertainment Weekly thinks LaKisha's poised to win the competition. Never let it be said they're not a bunch of risk takers, those folks at EW.

Jennifer Hudson Sets the Records Straight
Hudson took to MySpace to dispel rumors that she's become a big ol' diva in the wake of her Oscar win. Fair enough. However, in doing so, she inadvertently revealed her true and irrefutable shortcomings: poor punctuation and an appalling lack of subject/verb agreement. Isn't she from Chicago, the very city with a whole Manual of Style named after it?! Someone check that bitch's birth certificate. (The Post Chronicle)

Idols Saturate the Airwaves
Today's New York Daily News ranks former Idol contestants according to the number of times their songs have been played on the radio. Kelly Clarkson naturally tops the list while Chris Daughtry comes in at number 8. What's notable about the latter's ranking, you ask? Uh, Josh Gracin is #3! Just to break it down for those of you who are a little slow on the uptake, Forgettable Season 2 reject, Joshua Gracin, gets more airtime than the high and mighty Chris Daughtry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to point and laugh at him. Care to join me?

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 9

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 5.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Paula's Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10

Analysis: We had a crying fit! A genuine, snotty-nosed crying fit! Yet another reason to love Melinda Doolittle: She inspires gushing and blubbering. As such, Paula has crept into the mid-range of the Insanity Index. Conversely, the American Midol Cranky Quotient took a nose dive because it's happy times here when Paula loses her shit. Can you imagine the tears when Melinda really settles in and grows more comfortable up on that big stage?! Uncontrollable waterworks! Heaving sobs! Scary facial contortions and creepy grimacing! Oh, it's going to be so good.

Until next time, think continued hysteria!

Thursday News Brief

No real shocker during the results show... um, except Diana Ross's horrifying performance. In the immortal words of EMF, what the fuck waaaaaaaaaaaaaas that?! I was not expecting her to suck ass so bad. Wow. Just wow. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that.

Today's a light news day, which suits me and my jacked up sinuses just fine. Here ya go:

Simon Cowell's to Blame for Paula Abdul's On-Air Erratic Ways
In a slightly modified version of the Folgers Challenge, Simon secretly replaced Paula's "legally prescribed medication" with crystal meth and it's been all downhill from there. Such a prankster, that Simon. (People)

Flow It, Show It, Long as God Can Grow It... Sanjaya's Hair
I really don't know what to say about this. The pictures speak for themselves. But is it just me, or does Sanjaya look like Jo Anne Worley in that middle image?

Um, I just thought of something: Am I the only 33-year-old who even knows who Jo Anne Worley is? I scare me. (TMZ)

Simon's Is Bigger Than Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuce's
Oooh, Simon took a swipe at Bruce Springsteen! Oh snap! Actually, on second thought, who cares? Like, I know I'm from New Jersey and I'm supposed to be steeped in the legend and mystique that is Springsteen and stuff, but, well... I'm not. While I have the floor, I've also never set foot in Camaro nor have I ever teased my hair or pluralized the word "ziti." Wait, what was my point? Oh right, Simon's been bragging that in terms of record deals, he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen. Really, Simon? Bruce is the comparative you're going with? Sorry, I didn't realize that the recent clock change sent us back to 1984... (AP)

Top 12: The Recap

The Top 12 mangled, er, I mean sang the songs of one Ms. Diana Ross. Here's a rundown of tonight's mixed bag of crap and cool:

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Can't Hurry Love"
Um, did Brandon even sing tonight? 'Cause I don't remember it. Let's just go ahead and put Brandon in the Bottom Three, shall we?

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "Home"
Yet another masterful performance by the lovely Melinda. I love love LOVE the fact that she welled up when she heard the applause in the bigger auditorium. It genuinely and sincerely blew her away. What a moment for her! I'm glad she was given a little time to bask in it.

But do you know what I love even more? Paula had her first crying fit! This means some much-needed activity in The Scattergram.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Endless Love"
I didn't think it possible to make this song suck, but suck it did. I sort of understand why Chris tried to change it up since the judges have criticized contestants for not adding anything new and interesting when they dared tackle divas like Whitney, Mariah and Celine in the past. But dude, this was bad.

However, I don't know if I agree with blaming the contestants for the sorry arrangements, as was the recurring theme tonight. It seems Chris and the others had significant input but methinks Rickey Minor could have exerted some of his own influence a bit more to make the songs not, you know, suck balls.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Love Child"
I just knew she'd sing this song. I smelled it from a mile away. This is not a song just anyone should attempt. It demands passion, experience, depth and mileage that Gina just does not have. Barring that, it requires a set of brass ones and well, Gina does seem to be equipped in this regard.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"
Can we all please agree to stop voting for this kid? If not, we're going to have keep looking at gruesome images like this:

Stop the torture. Please. Seriously, stop.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Missing You"
Believe it or not, I'm going to side with Simon on this one... I don't think Haley screwed it up that bad tonight. Yeah, she forgot the words and got flustered but, for the first time, I detected a nice tone in her voice and she actually showed some personality after Simon complimented her. Personally, I think he overpraised her a little bit as a make-good for last week's "I don't remember your name" insult but still, she definitely improved over her previous performances. Even so, I think she's in the Bottom Three.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me"
Recapping Phil's performance would require me to think about him and when I do that, I have to go to a dark, scary place. And I don't wanna. Don't make me.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "God Bless the Child"
I liked this. I did not, however, like the dress. The vocal was really good but I couldn't really dig in and enjoy it fully because of that white mass on my TV screen. That dress was downright menacing.

Like, it was cool that Diana Ross offered LaKisha some wardrobe suggestions but I just wish she stressed one very important point in particular: White is not at all slimming, Kiki. Not.at.all.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "You Keep Me Hangin' On"
Uh, was I supposed to be all blown away by that? I know that's what Blake was going for and totally expecting. In fact, it looked like he was getting ready for a shower of effusive praise and flowing Paula tears but what he got instead was a rather tepid response.

No doubt he and Gina are moisturizing their chapped asses with lots of Vaseline tonight. Ew, that was a gross visual. Sorry.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "Love Hangover"
Stephanie's voice showed a smooth yet textured quality to it tonight that I hadn't detected before. I was waiting patiently for the tempo shift where she could really let rip but it never happened. Bummer because I think she could have finally established herself. Instead, I fear she's earned a spot in the Bottom Three.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "The Boss"
Okay, so his voice was all over the place and it kind of sucked. I don't care. He's still cute and I love him.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "If We Hold On Together"
Again, I'm with Simon. It was a "gooey" song but she made it work. And did I mention she's beautiful? And stunning? And lovely? It's official: I'm smitten. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy her flowers.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Brandon, Haley and Stephanie
Going Home: Brandon

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 8

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 2.0 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Key: Normal: 1-3; In-Between: 4-6; Certifiable: 7-10

Analysis: Not only was Paula quite normal this past week, she even cracked a few jokes... successfully. I don't know what to make of this. However, Paula lost points for being MIA at the beginning of the live results show. Actually, no one would have even known but dumb ass Ryan Seacrest was all "Where's Paula? Is she even here?" I can always count on Ryan's piss-poor skills as a host to awkwardly expose the private details of the judges' lives. I mean, look how much insight we already have into his and Simon's life partnership, for example...

Also, Paula gets some demerits for expressing shock that Sundance Head was booted. Um, does Paula have ears? Or did she maybe saw them off in a drunken fit? I must state that preferring Sundance over Sanjaya Malakar is not insanity. Peddling the notion that Vagina Beard could have won the whole thing? Well, that shit could get you institutionalized.

Monday News Brief

Today's news brief will be just that because I feel like ass. I promise to get plenty of rest. In fact, all the boys' performances tomorrow night should be more potent than Nyquil in lulling me into a sound sleep. Until then...

Mario Vasquez Channels George Michael
Q: What's white and oozes down the bathroom wall?
A: Mario Vasquez's latest release.

Sorry, I simply cannot pass up the opportunity to show off my suprisingly large canon of foul, tastless jokes. Admittedly, I don't know shit about wine but I can certainly tell you every Helen Keller joke there is.

Okay, onto the useful portion of this news item... If you'll recall, the talented Season 4 contestant mysteriously dropped out of the competition despite favorable notices from all three judges. Rumors ranged from an impending record deal to accusations of homosexuality but no real explanation was given and then everyone kinda forgot and stopped caring. Or at least I did.

Two years later, the mystery is solved: It turns out, Mario tried playing a wee game of "I'll Show You Mine" with an Idol employee named Magdaleno Olmos, who did not, in fact, want to show Mario his in return, nor even see Mario's in the first place.

Mmm... fresh scandal! Antonella Barba is no doubt writing Mario a note of thanks for taking some of the heat off of her. Oh wait, can Antonella even write? (TMZ.com)

Jennifer Hudson Once Again Proves She's an Insufferable Beav
Recently, Simon Cowell took Jennifer to task for for downplaying American Idol's contribution to her current level of success. Her response:

"If I'd been any better at my job when I was at Burger King in my middle teens I wouldn't be here either, so should I thank them too?"

No, Jennifer, you don't have to thank Burger King. However, you should thank me for not putting my foot in your ass... yet. (Starpulse.com)

Paula Abdul Was 'Shocked' Over Sundance Head's Dismissal
Well, that makes one person who was. Clearly, her delusions are starting to surface. This certainly means a nice spike in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram. Oh, goodie! (BuddyTV)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

The Top 12: Love It or Leave It

Well, you've gone and done it now, America. Here's the Top 12 you helped select:

1. Lakisha Jones
2. Blake Lewis
3. Chris Sligh
4. Jordin Sparks
5. Phil Stacey
6. Melinda Doolittle
7. Brandon Rogers
8. Chris Richardson
9. Gina Glocksen
10. Stephanie Edwards
11. Haley Scarnato
12. Sanjaya Malakar

Since Jess did such a kick-ass job recapping the results show, I don't need to! Score! Instead, here are a few select visuals from tonight's episode:

Up first is Jared Cotter acting like a complete douche when informed of his dismissal...

Yo mama, Jared. Yo.mama.

Up next is Paula's stunned response to Sabrina Sloan's ouster...

Coincidentally, I've made that very same face several times this week when I found myself agreeing with Paula's comments.

And here we have Haley Scarnato all crying and shocked-looking, primarily because she knows she's a big ol' waste of space...

Last night, I remarked that Haley had a Marie Osmond thing going on. Tonight's look was reminiscent of a Carol Seaver-era Tracy Gold. What does that have to do with anything, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine.

Lastly, we have Sanjaya Malakar eyeing up Paula after she indirectly expressed dismay at his inclusion in the Top 12...

I'm not going to lie to you... I'm more than a little impressed with the "Bitch, I'll cut you!" face Sanjaya's showing here. I'll be even more impressed if he acts on it. Do it, Sanjaya. DO IT!

Top 8 Girls: The Recap

Ah, much better than last night! Although, maybe it was the bottle of Riesling that I killed while watching tonight's show that made my enjoyment increase exponentially... Nah, the girls are just better. But that's kind of like saying that not scalding yourself with hot water is better than, uh, you know, scalding yourself with hot water.

Wow, I'm drunk.

Anyhoo, on with the show...

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "Heartbreaker" by Pat Benatar
Like, I know she's underage and stuff and it can totally get me thrown in jail but, dude, I love this girl. My crush is nowhere near the McPhee/Carrie Underwood level but still, I dig Jordin. She's beautiful and I would love to have just five minutes alone with her. I guarantee she'd emerge from that meeting with, at the very least, a few questions about her sexuality. The straight girls dig me, you see...

Anyhoo, I love that she tackled :: all bow :: Pat Benatar but I don't love what she did with the song. I wrote down "kind of manic" on my big yellow legal pad and was positively chuffed when Simon echoed my sentiments during his critique. Still, I think she has a lot of potential, a great personality and the precise amount of youthful exuberance that makes her enjoyable without being annoying.

Sabrina Sloan
Performed: "Don't Let Go" by En Vogue
This was kind of yelly. And I don't care for Sabrina's nose. But the curls? Well, I love those. The song, though, I don't recollect much if it which, perhaps, doesn't bode well for Sabrina. However, the night is still young and Antonella has yet to "sing."

Speak of the devil...

Antonella Barba
Performed: "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae
Antontella's secret is that she's been playing the violin since the age of four. And by playing the violin since the age of four she means... oh fuck it, the "Antonella is a whore" jokes are so played out. I'm not even going there. As for the song, it was better than her previous attempts but, well, see my scalding water example above.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "If My Heart Had Wings" by Melissa Manchester
Simon often uses the "That was like something you'd see in a theme park" criticism and sometimes, I don't really know what he's getting at. Tonight, however, I do. I really, really do. Except, Simon didn't apply that particular assessment tonight when really, he should have. I have been to every park with the Disney World logo slapped on it and that's precisely the type of cheese you'd see at, like, Epcot and that, my friends, is a very, very bad thing.

Also, I'm not sure if this is related or not, but I wrote "just like Marie Osmond" in my notes tonight. A cheesy, overly-earnest performance with syrupy song lyrics... Marie Osmond... Yup, sounds about right.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "Sweet Thing" by Chaka Khan
Stephanie told us that her secret was that she was shy as a child. If you ask me, her real secret is that she stole Fantasia's hairdo.

I can't really say any more about Stephanie because I used her performance as an opportunity to throw in a load of laundry and refill my glass of the aforementioned Riesling. Make of that what you will.

Lakisha Jones
Performed: "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston
Even though Lakisha dared to pick a song from the forbidden list, she at least did the song justice. I guess. I don't know. I hate that song. But she at least she didn't embarrass herself. And, honestly, it kind of touched my heart when Simon complimented Lakisha on her beauty tonight. Lest you think I'm going soft, I'll refer you to my previous mentions of wine consumption. That shit makes me schmoopie. While I'm loathe to part with my bitchy edge, wine is slightly less fattening than beer and as a weight-conscious alcoholic, I do what I can to cut calories here and there while still acquiring a decent buzz.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence
I didn't hate this, even though I'm not too keen on Gina. I don't despise her but Gina's in the same category of Blake -- she teeters on the edge of being an asshole. She's not quite there but there's serious potential.

I kind of like how she incorporated the band in her number though. She obviously knew the song well enough to know when to turn around, face the band dramatically and, uh, rock out as well as one can rock out to Evanescence.

You'll have to forgive my snobbery here because even though Evanescence could very well be legit, I have a default disdain for newer bands and their level of bad-assitude. That shit has to be earned over years in the spotlight. Evanescence is still too new to have respectable cred.

OMG, I just said "cred" in relation to a band's ability to rock. I'm not sure I like myself as wino. I'm not nearly this much of a music geek when I'm bombed on beer, I assure you.

Speaking of the band, who did the drummer blow to get this much camera time? As I recall, he received upwards of five close-ups during Nick Pedro's "Fever" last week. Rickey Minor cannot be happy about this. Uh, unless, of course, he was on the receiving end of said hummer...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "I'm a Woman" by Peggy Lee
I hope she wins the whole thing. I'll be sorely disappointed if she doesn't. She has the singing skills in conjunction with a refreshing lack of attitude that makes her a prime candidate to take the Idol crown.

Tonight's performance was stunning. She's simultaneously polished and rough around the edges and I love her for it. Her singing skills are stellar but at the same time, she possesses a vulnerable modesty that is so endearing. She's completely genuine yet profoundly talented. Offstage, she seems to be quiet and hesitant about the attention. Onstage, however, she just unloads and it's awesome in its contradiction and SO natural. I adore her.

Tonight, I think Melinda took a monumental leap forward from her status as a background singer, but at the same time, she managed to work her way to the back of the stage during her performance and align herself with the talented trio of backup singers and proceeded to sing to/with them briefly before strutting towards center stage. It was at once a respectful acknowledgement of who she once was and where's she's headed. Awesome.

Even though she didn't need it, I cast my vote for Melinda tonight because, at last, I'm finally inspired by someone in this boring ass competition.

Predictions: Haley's gone. Antonella should be right behind her but alas, that's probably not the case. Hmm, decisions, decisions... I'm guessing it's between Sabrina and Stephanie, which is completely bogus because they can both sing circles around that stupid shit from Point Pleasant. If Antonella was at least likable, I'd rally for her as an underdog but she's got the personality of a wet mop. And depending on her previous night's activities, probably the same smell as one. Ha! I kill me... But I digress, I think Stephanie will be right on the heels of Marie Osmond, er, I mean Haley.

Top 8 Boys: The Recap

Yet another yawn-inducing boys round. However! I recently discovered that my mother is a dedicated American Idol viewer so I watched tonight's show with a whole new perspective. With each contestant, I pondered: What must Mama McDimple be thinking?

Here are my thoughts and some of her proposed ones:

Blake Lewis
Performed: "All Mixed Up" by 311
First of all, I'm not the least bit surprised that Randy and Paula didn't recognize this song. Secondly, even though he changed up the song slightly with the whole beatboxing thing, Blake's version was totally drab. At first I was excited when I realized he was doing 311 but my enjoyment quickly plummeted as Blake succeeded in systematically sucking every bit of life out of the song.

As for my mother, well, she quite likes the reggae, even watered-down white boy versions of it because really, she doesn't know the difference. I'm also thinking she would have enjoyed Blake's checkered pants.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Waiting on the World to Change" by John Mayer
Truthfully, I didn't hear a note of this song. I was too distracted thinking about Sanjaya doing this:

Mama McDimple: While not actually saying it out loud, my mother totally would have been thinking: "Wow, that was really gay."

Sundance Head
Performed: "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam
Pssst, Sundance! Just because the song depicts a massacre, it doesn't give you license to, in turn, do that to the song. Also, what's the point of taking on this song if you don't do the growling "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" part at the end? That was weak, you big pussy.

Mama McDimple: Ditto.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban
I didn't hate this but I don't really have anything nice to say so I won't say anything at all. Oh, except that Chris is soooooo cute.

Jared Cotter
"If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder
Oh my God! Paula's comment that Jared needs to add some color to his vocals was actually on the mark. And well said! And I actually understood her point! Shit, this means yet another dip in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram. I'm not pleased. Not one bit.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "I Just Want To Celebrate" by Rare Earth
I'm going to give Brandon the Chris Richardson treatment here. It didn't suck but that's about all I can say. Um, did I mention tonight's show was really boring?

Mama McDimple: "Isn't this song from a car commercial?"

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Need You" by LeAnn Rimes
That was fucking weird. Again, Paula was completely right (gah!) when she criticized Phil's lower register. Clearly, it's not his strong suit. To me, it sounded like he was doing a bad Cher impersonation at the beginning of that song. It was like he was trying to reach into the deep recesses of his throat for something deep and smokey but what came out was... God, I don't even know. Would you call it guttural? I have no idea, but whatever it was, it disturbed me immensely.

Mama McDimple: Actually, my mother wouldn't have a comment here. She'd be too busy running around the housing sprinkling holy water because of the evil she just witnessed on the television.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Wanna Be Loved" by D.C. Talk
I had never heard this song before because, well, Christian rock ain't my thang. Actually, I had no idea Chris was even singing the praises of his own personal saviour until I looked up the song list on AOL Television. Perhaps it's my Catholic guilt kicking in but I'm just going to leave it at that.

Mama McDimple: "If Curly doesn't watch her weight, she's going to end up looking like this guy."

Predictions: This is a tough call in light of last week's AJ tragic ouster but I'm thinking Jared may have finally overstayed his welcome. And, if there's justice, Sanjaya and his flat-ironed hair will do the hula all the way home.

Poll Time: Is There an 'Idol' Double Standard?

The Antonella Barba scandal continues! Some folks are none too pleased that the not-so-camera-shy contestant remains in the running while Season Two's Frenchie Davis got the premature boot but good for the same reason.

Were Frenchie's pictures dirtier? Maybe? Is it because she's got a bit o' the junk in the trunk? Perhaps. Or did her race play a part in the decision? Rosie O'Donnell seems to think so. Because, uh, Rosie is now an expert on race relations in America? Say what you want about Rosie but at least she's consistent in having shrill, ill-informed, knee-jerk responses to just about everything. Rarely does she throw us for a loop with say, a lucid, well-researched argument.

Dumbasses aside, Frenchie rightfully wants to know why she was dismissed while Antonella remains. So, what say you...

Is there a double standard on American Idol?
	Yup
	Nope
	I dunno
Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 7

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 1.8 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: Paula's low Level o' Crazy probably has less to do with her getting her shit together and more to do with the level o' suck of most of this year's crop of hopefuls. Lakisha Jones and Melinda Doolittle have each made an impression so look to their performances in the weeks to come to spark tear-filled testimonials and spastic seal claps from Paula. She'll positively lose her shit if/when either of them land in the Bottom Three. Ditto for Brandon Rogers because he is this season's Designated Camera Fucker (DCM) and Paula seems contractually obligated to champion these types (i.e. Constantine Maroulis, Corey Clark and Justin Guarini).

Notes: This new-found clarity of Paula's is making for a pretty stagnant data line so to spice things up, we've added additional info: American Midol's Cranky Quotient (the red line). Each time Paula acts normal, our level of annoyance spikes. When she's a certified loon, we are in our giddy glory, as evidenced in the divergent lines above.

Also, we've decided to tweak the Paula Abdul Insanity Index graphic. When Paula's in the normal range (1-3), we'll show you a lucid, smiling Paula. As she enters the middle region (3-6), the graphic will change to depict her evolving state. When she's in the certifiable zone (7-10), we'll return to the sobbing Paula face which adequately displays her hysteria.

Until next time, think downward spiral!

Thursday News Brief

You'll have to forgive me if I'm a little light on the snark in today's news roundup. I'm still reeling from the fact that my boy, AJ Tabaldo, was sent home early tonight. That's just bullshit. I join my colleagues, Jess and Mejack, in condemning the sad state of affairs in this country. Shame on us! Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!

Here are your headlines, America, even though I have half a mind to deprive you of them entirely on account of your bad behavior tonight:

Jennifer Hudson to Be Honored in Her Hometown of Chicago
If there's any justice, AJ Tabaldo will receive a similar homecoming in Santa Maria, CA. People of Santa Maria, you best heed my advice. (People)

It's Official: Antonella's Not Getting the Boot
For those of you hoping the show would ship the rather reckless contestant back to Jersey, no such luck. Producer Nigel Lythgoe stated in a recent interview that Barba would remain on the program until the viewers voted her off.

Tonight, poor AJ Tabaldo is wondering where he went wrong. Oh right, he didn't flip off the camera repeatedly nor did he smile and say cheese whilst on the can. Silly boy! I guess he didn't want it bad enough. (National Ledger)

Katharine McPhee Spotted... Gasp!... Eating Food
The NYC gossip pages caught the Season 5 runner up dining on pineapple chicken fried rice and some awesome-sounding peanut butter dessert at Ruby Foo's this past weekend. Do you know who wasn't eating overpriced mediocre Asian food this past weekend? AJ Tabaldo, that's who! (NY Daily News)

And that's your lot, America. I hope you're satisfied.

Kellie Pickler's DD Cups of Ambition

Is it just me or did Kellie look like she just strolled off the set of 9 to 5 tonight?

Say, this reminds me of a joke...

Q: Have you seen the new shoes Kellie Pickler bought with her American Idol earnings?

A: No? Neither has she.

Photo: Amazon.com

Top 20: The Boys

Well, that was boring! I set out to write my usual pissy recap of the episode and well... I got nothing. With the exception of the enormous bulge in Jared Cotter's pants, nothing really stood out. And boy, did that stand out! Was he smuggling watermelons or something? While historically I have little to no interest in the male organ, I am impressed with Jared's package nonetheless. Too bad I can't say the same for his singing.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Ain't Missing You" by John Waite
Boooooooooooooooooooooooring.

Jared Cotter
Performed: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
I couldn't really concentrate on Jared's vocals between his ridiculous emoting and that enormous penis protruding through his pants. Despite its impressive stature, I don't think it's enough to save him. See ya, Jared.

AJ Tabaldo
Performed: "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone
Love him. 'Nuff said.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Steppin' Out" by Tony Bennett
Oh, Sanjaya. Yet another rotten song choice, no doubt selected by sissy. And you pulled your hair back into a ponytail, an obvious rejection of my offer to brush it. Why do you have to break my heart like this?

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne
Chris did really well. I have no beef with his performance or his banter with the judges this week. Although, I will say that with my dark plastic frames and head of curls, Chris offers a warning to me to keep my weight in check. I could easily look like his twin sister if I don't lay off the pasta. Methinks I'll have a Slim Fast for lunch and a sensible dinner today. Thanks for the inadvertent glimpse into the future, Chris!

Nick Pedro
Performed: "Fever" by Peggy Lee
I won't waste my time with a critique since he's going home.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai
Not too shabby. I really love his song choices. Maybe he can mentor Sanjaya.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper
God, that sucked. It was nothing more than a background vocal disguised as a lead. Oh, and I think I'm pregnant thanks to Brandon's continued camera fucking. Next week, I'm going to have a rape whistle on hand when I watch the program.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Geek In The Pink" by Jason Mraz
Sure, Chris's dance moves and up-tempo song selection were similar to last week but I.don't.care. He's still my favorite.

Sundance Head
Performed: "Mustang Sally" by Mack Rice
Despite his family's advice to be less "crappy," this week's performance failed to get Sundance out of the shitty zone. It proves that he's not only a singer of questionable talent, but also a miserable failure for a son.

Predictions: Bye, Nick Pedro! Pack your weiner and go, Jared.

Tuesday's News

Simon Cowell Changes His Tune for Jennifer Hudson
Simon ain't no fool. He knows to get on the golden girl's good side now, you know, even though he trashed her repeatedly during her run on the show. Bygones! Right, Jennifer? Right? (People)

Is the World Really Ready for a Lisping Rapper?
Kevin Covais reportedly spits (and I do mean SPITS) on Paris Bennett's upcoming album. Because I sometimes like to be annoyed, I'm going to have download that bad boy when it comes out. I'll be sure to keep some paper towel handy. It could get messy. (Entertainment Weekly)

Sundance's Daddy's Dance Steps Were Too Hot for James Brown
Apparently, The Godfather of Soul took one look at Roy Head's dancing and booted him from his tour many moons ago. As Roy tells it, 'twas Brown's jealousy of his wicked moves that caused his ouster. Wow, now I understand where Sundance gets his delusions that that thing sprouting from his chin is attractive. (USA Today)

Antonella Barba Is the "Least Slutty Person" Amanda Coluccio Knows
Is it just me or is that not exactly a ringing endorsement? Or as Jess astutely observed, "Amanda must hang around with some real whores then." (Defamer)

American Idol's Got the Fever for the Flavor of Pringles
First it was Dreyer's Ice Cream and now Pringles has aligned itself with our beloved TV program. I think it's safe to say that the person lining up the sponsorships is a complete stoner. (American Idol Worship)

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 6

We were a bit behind with the Scattergram this past week because, um... the computer that... analyzes and, uh... tallies... the scores... was on the fritz? Yeah, that's the excuse, er, I mean cause for the delay. Regardless, our sincere apologies for denying you this vital information!

Anyhoo, this week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 3.2 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: I'm happy to report a slight uptick in the Level o' Crazy. Now that the field has been narrowed down, Paula is showing a more personal interest in the candidates. Much to my dismay, she really had her shit together during the live results show but then again, no one is ever really all that emotionally invested the first cast-offs of the season. As Paula's boy crushes and those she's championed start taking a few verbal licks and positions in the Bottom Three, look to her behavior to descend into incoherent crying jags. I, for one, cannot wait.

Poll Time: What Song Should Get the Boot?

AOL Television recently reported on the "Top 12 Most Annoying Songs" performed on American Idol. We're in a agreement with a good portion of the list but we have a few of our own to add. Our approach is slightly different in that we don't think the songs themselves are necessarily annoying but rather the frequent and horrific butchery of them. Except "Hero." That shit's DEFINITELY annoying regardless who sings it. Yeah, that's right, Mariah. I went there. What of it?

So, tell us...

Which song should be banished from American Idol forever?
	"Hero" by Mariah Carey
	"Fallin'" by Alicia Keys
	"Respect" by Aretha Franklin
	"I'm Every Woman" by Chaka Khan
	"Black Velvet" by Alannah Myles
	"(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" by Bryan Adams
	"I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)" by The Four Tops
	"Isn't She Lovely?" by Stevie Wonder
	"I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston
	The entire discography of Celine Dion
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Did we overlook an obvious one? Write-in votes are encouraged in the comments.

How's That for Accuracy?!

God, we're good. Mejack and I went 4 for 4 in our predictions: Paul Kim, Amy Krebs, Nicole Tranquillo and Rudy Cardenas are all heading home. If only I were this spot-on at the dog track...

I don't have much in the way of a recap of tonight's episode. As a form of ridiculous protest, I'm going to refrain from full-on recaps of hour-long results shows. They are not necessary! It's 50 minutes of fluff and extended commercials for past Idol winners' new CDs and projects and maybe about 10 minutes of actual content. Bastards. I shake my fist at them. Only I'm allowed to waste my time, hello?

While I'm bitching, I have two things to say about Quincy Jones' appearance on tonight's show. First, the camera cut to him while he -- a legend in the music industry -- was fishing something out of his mouth. What was it? A hair? Some errant fuzz? Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. Mogul or no, it's just not a flattering shot. Who directed this travesty?

Then, Ryan engaged Quincy Jones in some mindless banter about Fantasia's upcoming run in The Color Purple (Psst, Fantasia! It's a musical, not a play. Thanks!) and no sooner had Quincy opened his mouth to respond when Ryan handed off the mic to Fantasia and told her to hit it. What?!?! Did Ryan Seacrest just IGNORE Quincy Jones? Um, I don't think you're allowed to do that. Not with Quincy Jones... Or Oprah Winfrey. And even though I hate him, Tom Hanks also falls into this category. Oh, and Rip Taylor. But that goes without saying...

Tacky tacky tacky! However, I am happy to hear about the American Idol Challenge. All you have to do is answer a trivia question either online or via text message. (The former method is free for you concerned cheapskates.) Then your info gets entered into a weekly drawing to win $10,000, a trip to Los Angeles and tickets to an American Idol live show. Also, each entry makes you eligible to win the Grand Prize -- $100,000 a trip to Los Angeles and tickets to the American Idol finale. Not too shabby!

It should come as no suprise that I already entered. After all, mama needs a new pair of sensible shoes. Good luck, fellow applicants. No wait, I take that back. I want to win so why am I wishing you luck? Duh, Curly. Nothing a bit of the old Wiccan magic and a good hex can't fix...

Top 12 Girls: Curly's Recap

Even though my esteemed colleagues have already delighted and enthralled you with their most excellent episode summaries, I thought I'd give you one more wee thrill for today because I'm generous and caring like that... unless you cross me and then the only thing I'll happily dish out is a hateful stare and a severe ass whuppin'.

Um, guess who forgot to take her meds today? Here's something to keep you occupied while I go hit the Duane Reade for some more happy pills:

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "How Come You Don't Call Me" by Alicia Keys
Maybe all those hours spent listening to my iPod on an extremely high volume have rendered me deaf but I didn't think Stephanie did all that well. Does she have stage presence and charisma? Absolutely! Does she have busted knees today? For sure! But I don't think she was as great as the judges made her out to be. I didn't like her approach to this song at all. It was too deliberate and forced for my liking. I don't hate her though and for that, I'm sure Stephanie is relieved. Aren't ya, Steph?

Amy Krebs
Performed: "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt
I have to agree with Mejack's husband on her choice of dress. It most definitely looked like drapes. Or a bedspread from the Holiday Inn. She's toast. Bye, Amy. You're going home.

Leslie Hunt
Performed: "Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin
I really wish Idol producers would banish this song. I'm tired of these hacks butchering it, particularly bouncy dog walkers without a stitch of soul. Seriously, don't smile and dance like a goof during a song that requires equal parts sass and attitude. This was painful for me to watch. Simon, as always, nailed it when he suggested that she was out of her comfort zone.

Sabrina Sloan
Performed: "I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)" by Aretha Franklin
Finally!!! Someone did Aretha right. This was beyond awesome. I love her voice and call me biased, but I'm also digging her curls. Good on ya, Sabrina.

Antonella Barba
Performed: "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith
Well, that sucked. However, I fear we're stuck with Antonella. In fact, I bet she's going to be like that Russian kid with the hole in his throat who stayed around far too long because gay men thought he was hot.

Oh, and Antonella? In answer to the question you posed to the judges, "What can I do better?" I have several suggestions. For example, might I suggest not sucking majorly? Yeah, that'll work. Dropping out of the competition and going home is also an equally acceptable answer.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "Gimme One Reason" by Tracy Chapman
I love Jordin. In fact, she's my female equivalent of Chris Richardson. She can do no wrong. Unless either of them sing something from Creed or Anne Murray and then I'll abandon them right quick.

Nicole Tranquillo
Performed: "Stay" by Chaka Khan
What the hell was that?! Nicole, you're a honkey from Pennsylvania. And a voice major! Who told you to try to crack the urban market? Liking Chaka Khan is not license to sing her songs. Hell, I like Maria Callas but you don't hear me busting out any arias, do you? Well, I do but it's only when I'm in the shower or really drunk. Sometimes both. My muddled point is: Know your limits, dumb ass. Oh and stop dancing like a spaz. Class dismissed.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion
I really have nothing to say other than that I vote Haley as Most Likely to Headline a Show on the Norwegian Dawn.

Melinda Doolittle
"Since You've Been Gone" by Aretha Franklin
That kicked ass and for the rest of the season, I pity anyone who has to follow Melinda. Except maybe Lakisha Jones. Oh man, can you imagine a duet between those two?!?

Alaina Alexander
Performed: "Brass in Pocket" by The Pretenders
What did The Pretenders ever do to you, Alaina? Clearly something very wrong judging by the way you shit all over one of their best songs. Shameful! But even worse than that sin, if you can imagine it, were your dopey rim shot and "Call me!" gestures. Unforgivable. It's official: I hate you and you look like one of the chicks from Kissing Jessica Stein and I hate that movie too. In other words, I've got it in for you.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "All By Myself" by Celine Dion
I'm not really feeling Gina. Although, she was perhaps the one white girl of the evening who didn't suck total ass. I can't say I hate her but like Blake, she could easily venture into asshole territory. Proceed with caution, Gina, or you'll end up like Alaina and really, is there a worse fate than being on Curly McDimple's Shit List? I think not.

Lakisha Jones
Performed: "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holiday
That was hot. It will be really interesting though to see how Lakisha handles the weekly themes, particularly country music. Lakisha can blow but I'm curious to see if she can dial down the big voice and deliver a more subtle performance here and there. Wow, I just sounded all fancy and professional and shit. If no one else, I just impressed myself.

Predictions:
Say goodbye to Hollywood, Nicole Tranquillo and Amy Krebs.

Top 12 Boys: The Recap

Mmm... Top 24. We finally made it. Gawd, it took long enough. But far be it from me to be a further cock tease so let's get down to business. Here's how the Top 12 boys fared tonight:

Rudy Cardenas
Peformed: "Free Ride" by The Edgar Winter Group
Oh my God, that was horrendous. Dude, Randy, the ass munch to end all ass munches, called you "corny." How can you ever recover? You can't. Leave now. Don't even show up for the results show. Seriously, go.

Brandon Rogers
Peformed: "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson
Brandon is this season's official Camera Fucker. He follows in the footsteps of Justin Guarini, Constantine Maroulis and Ace "Lookie at My Scar" Young. Um... not exactly the best company to be keeping, Brandon. But you seem like a nice fella so I'll spare you a bitch slap, even though your song sucked ass. Do better next week. Might I suggest less camera fucking and more note hitting? Give it a whirl, why don't ya?

Sundance Head
Peformed: "Nights in White Satin" by The Moody Blues
Oh, Vagina Beard... what a horrific mess you've become! I believe Simon summed it up best: "I don't like you tonight." Actually, I wasn't too keen on you during the Hollywood Week neither. What the hell happened to you?!

Several weeks back I likened Sundance to Meat Loaf because I think they're both fat fucks. Little did I realize back then that the comparison would run much deeper than dimpled flab.

In tonight's outing, Sundance affected a Meat Loaf-like yelp as well as some dramatic hand gestures and flourishes for good measure. All that was missing was the handkerchief and that chick with the black curly hair who sing-talks to Meat Loaf in several songs on the Bat Out of Hell album. Speaking of which... don't get any ideas, Sundance! Take my advice and stay away from "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" or ew, "Heaven Can Wait." Nothing good can come of it. And don't get any fancy ideas about singing Styx or Blue Oyster Cult neither. You've been warned.

Paul Kim
Peformed: "Careless Whisper" by Wham!
Yet another train wreck. Not the most auspicious start to the season, I must say. Paul not only irritated my ear drums with his attempted falsetto, but he also incurred my wrath by executing the dreaded "touch the pretend headphone" gesture mid-screech. There's nothing in your ear, shit head. But if I had my way, my foot would be. Stop the pantomiming! And get yourself some shoes! No one wants to see your gnarly bare feet.

Actually, I take that back. Don't heed my generous and helpful advice. You bore and sicken me simultaneously. Be gone.

Chris Richardson
Peformed: "I Don't Want To Be" by Gavin Degraw
I love.. no, ADORE Chris. His song was nowhere near perfect but he's adorable and looks like he's having fun and totally enjoying the experience. He could very well be my favorite this season. Chris will be treated with kid gloves by me. Anyone who dares besmirch his good name will know no such dispensation. I'll house your ass(es).

Nick Pedro
Peformed: "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx
Nick gets points for saying "Vote for Pedro" instead of doing the annoying "Call me!" gesture at the end of his performance but I have to immediately retract those points because he sang a Richard Marx song. Don't do that ever again, Nick. Ever.

Blake Lewis
Peformed: "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane
I love that Blake selected a Keane song. I was worried that he'd bust out the beat box yet again but he pleasantly surprised me with his song choice and competent delivery. I'm still a bit iffy about his personality but I won't quite add him to my shit list just yet. However, he does have serious dickhead potential. He could easily become a loathsome figure. The jury's still out but as far as tonight goes, he's okay by me.

Sanjaya Malakar
Peformed: "Knocks Me Off My Feet" by Stevie Wonder

Dear Sanjaya,
Don't let your sister select your songs anymore... because she clearly hates and resents you. I, however, do not. Nor does Jess. She sent me a text message during the show informing me that she "[wants] to smush" you. No, don't be scared! It's a good thing. It's similar to her desire to eat cute babies and crush the skulls of adorable puppies. No really, it's a compliment! We both think you're adorable. Say, can I brush your hair? Wait, why are you crying? Come back! It's okay. We mean you no harm. Come baaaaaaaaaaack! Resist your sister!

Chis Sligh
Peformed: "Typical" by Mute Math
I like Chris. I really, really do but I didn't quite care for his backtalk to Simon tonight. Insolence does not suit him, particularly when it sounds rehearsed. I like my barbs and comebacks sharp and quick-witted, which his usually are. Don't be so cheeky, Chris.

Jared Cotter
Peformed: "Back at One" by Brian McKnight
I did not enjoy this performance. Hell, I don't even remember enough about it to write something snotty. So I won't. God, I love editorial freedom.

A.J. Tabaldo
Peformed: "Never Too Much" by Luther Vandross
I think A.J. is adorable. I didn't love his song tonight but he's exuberant and eager and well, even a cranky beeyotch like me can recognize that. Good luck, A.J.

Phil Stacey
Peformed: "I Could Not Ask for More" by Edwin McCain
This is perhaps the most bipolar performance I've ever witnessed, ever. It started out in the shit house and found its way to fucking awesome before long. Also, I think Phil is kind of a doofus but I dig the way he graciously and wisely listened to Simon's critique. He's a good boy.

Wow, I'm getting soft. Actually, no, it's just fatigue setting in. It's late and I appear to be running low on my piss and vinegar reserves. We can't have that! I'll be good and tanked up for tomorrow night's take down of the girls. But, before I go...

Predictions
Because two contestants are sent home in this round, I'll forgo the usual Bottom Three prediction and cut right to the chase. I predict Rudy Cardenas and Paul Kim will be the first to get the boot. Good riddance!

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 5

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 1.5 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: Fuck you, American Idol producers, for your clever and effective "Make Paula less crazy-looking" edits. It's working, as evidenced in the plummeting data line. If this keeps up, I might have to start tracking my level of crankiness in relationship to Paula's perceived coherence. So not fair. Give me unedited, unfiltered, unbridled insane Paula or give me death! Well, not death, necessarily. How about a pinch in the butt? Yeah, that'll do.

Until next time, think meltdown!

An Episode Recap, News and Lame Excuses

Okay, so that whole posting my Tuesday night episode recap on Wednesday never quite materialized. Being bitter about being single on Valentine's Day takes up a lot of time and energy so lay off and show some compassion, scavengers.

Here's your mish-mash of tardy recaps and headlines...

Tuesday
How is it that the tedious auditions were stretched thin over two hours on several occasions yet the delicious drama-inducing Hollywood Round was crammed into a measly 60 minutes?! I usually welcome the bickering, the verbal slapfests, the backbiting, the fucked up lyrics, etc. from the Group Round but that footage was carved up beyond recognition. Idol producers, you are testing my already-thin patience.

The Matt Sato storyline was rather awkward, what with all the calls to Mommie Dearest back home and his inability to find a group to sing with. I really thought he'd make it through with all the camera time. Alas, he was sent packing back to his emotionally bankrupt mother. Poor Matt. On the bright side, I was happy to see that he no longer had shit all over his nose like he did during his initial audition. Get a hold of some Retin-A, did ya, Matt?

Amanda Coluccio actually made me laugh by boldly proclaiming, "I'm going to shit my pants!" during a commercial bumper. But do you know what made me laugh even harder? When she got cut. Heeeeee-larious!

The rendition of "How Deep Is Your Love?" by Chris Sligh, Rudy Cardenas, Thomas Lowe and Blake Lewis was awesome. For once, I didn't bark "Oh, sit down!" when Paula gave a standing ovation. I was in agreement with Paula. Oh, good heavens. The chances of that happening again? About as likely as Paula passing a pee test with flying colors.

Nicole Turner was the final contestant of the day. Her mother got all Mama Rose on her and strong-armed her into singing a song that was so crappy, I can't even identify it. Needless to say, Nicole fucked it up royally and tried to explain what happened to the judges. Her argument held no water but she was adamant about stating her case. Hell, if my mama was standing behind me with a big ol' cane like that, I'd try to sell it too. I think it's safe to say someone got her ass whupped when she got home.

Wednesday
The Top 24 have been announced! We finally separated the wheat from the chaff, boys and girls. Ew, chaff. I just decided I don't like that word. It just sounds gross. It is hereby banished from my vocabulary. My weird hang-ups are just darling, aren't they though?

Here are the semifinalists:
Men: Chis Sligh, Sanjaya Malakar, Brandon Rogers, Philip Stacy, Blake Lewis, Rudy Cardenas, Paul Kim, A.J. Tabaldo, Nicholas Pedro, Chris Richardson, Jared Cotter and Jason "Sundance" Head.

Women: Melinda Doolittle, Gina Glocksen, Haley Scarnato, Jordin Sparks, Stephanie Edwards, Leslie Hunt, Alaina Alexander, Sabrina Sloan, Lakisha Jones, Nicole Tranquillo, Amy Krebs and Antonella Barba.

I know you don't believe me because I've dicked you around time and time again but the rest of my thoughts on tonight's show are coming later. Pinky promise. I swear on the moon and the stars above. This time I mean it.

Moving on to headlines...

American Idol cast-off, Robyn Troup, makes beautiful music with Justin Timberlake at the Grammys. Um, I'm guessing it was beautiful because I totally didn't watch. (People.com)

Vindication! Seems I'm not the only one who left reeling by the warp-speed Hollywood round. MTV's got my back, yo. Wow, that's sad. (MTV.com)

Playing the ponies is passé. Only pussies can be found at the track. The real high rollers are laying down some serious coin on American Idol. No, seriously. They are. (Gambling911.com)

Was Season 6 Idol reject, Tom Lowe booted for hitting a few bad notes or for baring his buns in a racy spread? Oh man, I just said "buns." If you'll excuse me, I'm off to hang my head in shame... (The Advocate)

A Brief News Brief

Oooh lawdy, I am behind on my Midol homework this week! Fear not, I furiously took notes during tonight's Hollywood episode and will present them to you tomorrow in a brand spanking new post. In the meantime, here's a quick look at today's headlines:

Paula: I'm Not a Lush!
She only plays one on TV... quite believably, I might add. Someone give that broad an Emmy. (AP)

American Idol Producers: Paula's Full of Shit... Booze-Soaked Shit, to Be Exact
Actually, she is really, really tanked on the set but only looks somewhat trashed to us at home thanks to some generous editing commissioned by show producers. (Reality TV Magazine)

Bucky's Gettin' a Deeee-vorce, Y'all
Tomorrow's headline: American Midol colleagues Jess and Mejack charged with plotting to don diapers, drive 900 miles and then mace each other in the face to win Bucky's affections. (People.com)

Michael Jackson to Moonwalk on the Idol Stage?
I really can't elaborate on this article any further than the headline 'cause I couldn't read the whole thing on account of all the eye covering I had to do because of the accompanying photo of MJ. Not since The Well Girl from The Ring have I been this terrified. (TMZ)

The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 4

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 2 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: I am chagrined to report that Paula scored really low on the crazy scale this week. The bitch was downright subdued in San Antonio. The hell?

This week's result does come with a footnote though. Last night's episode was an aggregate of all auditions thus far so it was hard to apply a singular, accurate number. Besides, the editors left out of most of Paula's batshittery (yeah, I made up that word. What of it?) in favor of wall-to-wall screeching "singers" and their suspect dance moves.

So take this week's reading with a grain of salt, fellow wack-job watchers, since it wasn't based on two full episodes. Hope is on the horizon because next week is Hollywood Week! I predict the monotony will spur at least one Paula meltdown and/or crying jag. Other predictions? Lay 'em on me.

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

Greetings, minions. Not too much in the way of news today. Anna Nicole Smith is dominating the headlines so I have no choice but to be brief. No whining! There's more to come tomorrow. Until then...

There's a rather tasty blind item in The Back Row column in today's issue of the Daily News...

What former American Idol is up to their nose in bad behavior? Friends were amazed at a high-profile fashion week after-party at how much fairy dust the crooner put away.

Hmmm... Jess and I spotted Katharine McPhee and Jim Verraros at the Marc Jacobs show on Monday night. MJ is rather high-profile so it follows that his after-party would be as well, no? Interesting. Very interesting.

Kat's got her share of issues but I don't think blowing rails in public is among them. Now I'm not saying Jim is necessarily the culprit here because for all I know, there were a gaggle of Idol cast-offs running amok during Fashion Week that I didn't see up and close and personal. Still, I think it's a safe bet. Any other guesses?

Okay, moving on to less inflammatory things that won't get our asses sued... Season Five's Bucky Covington has no beef with Simon Cowell nor his cranky critiques. Quite the contrary, he graciously took his lumps and is enjoying the fame the show helped him achieve. Hear that Jennifer "I was misquoted!" Hudson?! That's what you call gratitude and not being a dumb bitch. Look into it. (People.com)

Ebony Jointer, she of the waitress outfit/roller skates/two less-talented hangers-on combo in last night's final round of auditions is not a complete entertainment neophyte as it turns out. Girlfriend actually hit the gridiron with the Chicago Bliss, a Lingerie Football League team back in 2005. (Note to self: Do thorough Google image search of those photos. How did I not know about this?!)

Ebony's also been seen on America's Next Top Model and had a small role in Pauly Shore Is Dead. Scandalous! A Pauly Shore movie, Ebony? Seriously? (TMZ.com via RealityTVMagazine.com)

And finally, this is not technically news... except to those who know me and how snobby I am about my mp3 collection but I, Curly McDimple, just downloaded the Jason Nevins Rock da Club Edit of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and I am, as we speak, rocking out like it's my job. Trust me, it's hot.

Photo: FOX

Remember the San Antonio Recap

Is anyone else (besides you, Jess) as sick of the auditions as I am? Seriously, they seemed to drag on way longer this year. Last night's round in San Antonio was the last, thank God. However, tonight's episode is a montage of auditions good and bad from all seven cities Paula, Simon and Randy visited and ranked on. Dude, if they try to pad the season with another one of those roundups in mid-season, I'm going to start torching shit.

San Antonio, like the rest, failed to produce a real stand-out talent, in my humble opinion. I was briefly concerned that this year's crop of finalists would end up sucking balls but then I remembered that Elliott Yamin got NO camera time last year until Hollywood week. We never got to see his audition nor the back story of him and his manky teeth. But then he pleasantly surprised us several weeks into the competition (while his jacked-up grill continued to confound). My point, and I do have one, believe it or not, is that there may be some hidden showstoppers awaiting us, in addition to the usual band of ball suckers.

Speaking of suck, here's a rundown of a few of last night's performers:

Jasmine Holland
This was the shy girl who sang in a gospel choir and wore a shirt that read: "Peace Pure Love." Oddly enough, she was the same chick who unleashed a stream of profanity and had to be bleeped numerous times after she bitched out the judges. An interesting interpretation of peace and pure love, no? Shameful, the language on that Miss Holland. You kiss your preacher with that mouth, Jasmine?

The best part of that segment, however, had to be Jasmine's mother and her anti-Simon rant:

Jasmine's Mom: "What is he? French?

Ryan Seacrest: "Actually, he's British."

Jasmine's Mom: "Well then he needs to go back to British [sic] and be judge for British people. 'Cause he's not even American so how can he tell who sings and not sings?"

Because in the country of "British," people are deaf or immune to music? Music is silent outside of America? Americans have special ears? I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at, Jasmine's Mom. Are you a dumb ass or just a xenophobe? Or both? I can't quite tell. My people hail from "British" so maybe that's why I can't quite hear your message.

Haley Scarnato
This was the attractive chick wearing the all black, stylish one-piece who engaged in a weird hand-shaking session and fashion discussion with Paula before her audition leading me to exclaim, "Paula has a girl crush! Paula has a girl crush!"

While Haley's voice was just okay, Simon put her through to Hollywood because she was hot. Randy approved of her as well, I think. I can't say for sure because I stopped paying attention to him about... uh, since I started watching the show. Randy's insignifcant, dawg.

Paula quite eagerly punched Haley's ticket to Hollywood because, well, I think she really wants to punch Haley's ticket when they get to Hollywood, if ya catch my drift. (Psst... I just suggested that Paula Abdul possesses homosexual tendencies and is vulnerable to acting on such same-sex impulses in an effort to restore her fractured sense of self-worth and stabilize her erratic emotional state caused in part by low self-esteem coupled with severe chemical dependence. Or something.)

Ashlyn Carr
Uh, how fucked up do one's facial expressions have to be when even Paula Abdul refers to them as "weird"? That's about as insulting as Ted Kennedy giving you a lecture on the perils of drunk driving into or near bodies of water.

Weird ticks aside, Ashlyn made it to Hollywood. Whether she gets her ass kicked by her roommates remains to be seen.

Paula's Insanity Index

Hot on the heels of the release of The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram, we bring you its equally-cranky companion: The Paula Abdul Insanity Index. It's an "at-a-glance" feature that is updated weekly for those of you who don't have the time nor the inclination to track Paula's pattern of behavior on our handy dandy chart.

For those of you who fall into this category, listen up. Uh, the rest of you can go ahead and skip to the next paragaph. To the slackers: How lazy can you get? I'm going to venture a guess and say that you never once participated in an extra-curricular activity in school, did you? And extra credit was a foreign concept to you and was better left to nerds like me, right? And furthermore, you gave the smart kids who did partake in such endeavors atomic wedgies back then, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!?!?!

Ahem. Sorry. As I was saying, if you look to the top right of the sidebar each week, you'll see Paula's manic mug with a big ol' number under it. That figure is calculated after hours of heated deliberation, painstaking behavioral analysis and feverish scientific computation. Okay, so it's more like we all think about it for a few seconds and randomly pick a number between 1 and 10 and then I tap into my stellar math skills and average it. And by stellar math skills, I mean I use an existing formula in Excel.

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's level o' crazy is 6.2 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: After a week of disappointing coherence, Paula ventured back into the retard realm this week. Her antics were rather subdued (by Paula Abdul standards) but she did exhibit the occasional flash of freak. I cite her constant fidgeting and the return of the seal clap on day one of the Birmingham auditions as examples. The fact that she wasn't even there on the second day lends further credence to my argument.

Paula was surprisingly well-behaved during the L.A. round. I credit the calming effect of Olivia Newton John and whatever chemicals her doctor shot her up with during day two in Alabammy.

Fingers crossed for a full-on freak out next week, kiddies!

News Roundup

It is with a heavy heart that I report that there is no truth to the rumor that Courtney Love will bump Paula Abdul from her judging berth.

How could this happen, you ask? Because God likes to raise my hopes and then cruelly dash them. Although, in truth, I don't want Paula going anywhere. Her spasms, outbursts and slurred speech are reliably entertaining. I need Paula's crazy. Please don't take this from me. Ever.

I was hoping to see Courtney and Paula riding out their respective highs (and subsequent crashes) side-by-side with Simon Cowell providing color commentary. Courtney would flip him off. The censors would develop callouses from hitting the bleep button to drown out her unending stream of profanity. Then the graphics department would have digitize large portions of the screen to prevent impressionable children from seeing Courtney's boobs and snatch. It would have been fun for all, really.

And now, sadly, this doesn't seem to be in the cards for us. Unless, Barry Manilow or Dionne Warwick swing by after a good bender. I'm sure Whitney can hook her aunt up with a bit of the crack. Think of the ratings! (Us Online)

Onward.

Jennifer Hudson resents being "the girl in the turkey wrapping." Truthfully, I didn't know that she was ever affiliated with poultry but then again, I'm prematurely senile so my recollection -- or lack thereof -- and a token might get you a ride on the subway.

Anyways, apparently Jennifer was branded with this rather forgettable (again, to me) description back during her Idol run and she hasn't quite gotten over it. Hudson tells Essence magazine that she was unfairly pegged as this "character" and had to "sing her way out of it." The show's "abusive," large fries aren't nearly large enough for her liking, yadda, yadda, yadda, whine whine whine.

I've seen and heard many adjectives applied to Hudson of late – Golden Globe winner, SAG winner, Oscar nominee, breakout performer, star-in-the-making, big fatso, etc. I've see no references to turkey and/or any of its trimmings. I mean, I could make an obvious stuffing joke but I'll abstain because I'm classy like that. (People.com)

Bucky Covington's hitting the Grand Ole Opry for the first-time ever. I really have nothing else to say about that because that would require me filling my brain with references to country music and I have better things to do with that precious space. Like memorizing the phone book and/or counting the number of bricks in my apartment building. (AmericanIdol.com)

Thanks to a hit album completely devoid of songs requiring him to inquire if he makes us proud, Chris Daughtry is no longer being a whiny ass bitch about his early ouster last season. Furthermore, he's super tired of all you people telling him he was robbed so y'all can just drop it. Seriously. Stop talking about it. It's not just Chris who's tired of that shit.

If it makes you disgruntled followers feel any better, it was his premature dismissal (hee hee, that sounds dirty) that allowed Daughtry to form... uh, Daughtry, instead of having to go it alone while tethered to a beastly contract laden with stipulations and restrictions and worst of all, crappy ballads that will one day be converted into muzak and pumped into the aisles of the Winn-Dixie as well as performed at eighth grade graduations for years to come.

See, Chris was really worried that the songs spawned from an Idol-produced album "would have stomped on [his] credibility a little bit." No no, Chris, don't be silly. It's your association with Creed that did that. (Access Hollywood)

Photo: Jeff Schneid/Getty Images

Your Monday Newsbrief

Think American Idol is growing old and a bit stale? Oh yeah, fussy pants?!? Well what, pray tell, would YOU do to improve it? No really, I'm not picking a fight with y'all. MTV wants to know. In fact, they asked a variety of types including Taylor "The Tard" Hicks, Randy Jackson and some radio personalities I never heard of that very question. Do people even listen to regular radio anymore? Beyond Howard Stern and I guess Casey Kasem, I have no retention of radio dee-jays or their names. I mean, why would I?

But that's neither here nor there. If you have an opinion, and I know you do, head on over to MTV and leave suggestions. Or you can comment here while staying within the safe and comfy confines of your favorite bitchy blog. Mind you, we can't and won't pass them along to the powers-that-be at MTV but that still shouldn't stop you from flexing your free speech muscles here.

How would I improve the show, you ask? Well, for one, I'd condense the best and the worst of the auditions into four episodes (aired over two weeks) and then bring that shit to Hollywood tout de suite. Oh, and the production assistants should be tasked with making sure there's always some sort of mind-altering substance in Paula Abdul's Coke cup. At all times. Because it's just funnier when she's shit-faced. Thoughts? (MTV.com)

Despite her obvious fondness for the drink, some people do in fact think Paula is worthy of praise. The lush even managed to snag herself one of them there Women of the Year Awards. The honor was bestowed by the Nevada Ballet Theatre, not Apple Boones as I originally assumed. They're holding out to honor her with the Lifetime Achievement Award, methinks. (National Ledger)

People.com asked a rather random roster of celebrities which song they would sing if they were an American Idol contestant. Andy Roddick, that cute tennis player, mentions Menudo and Bananarama and honestly, I can't quite say for sure if he's being facetious or not. I hope so. Nelly Furtado, who is equally easy on the eyes, responded: "I would sing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' just to be different." Not sure if she's never watched the show or if that was a sly dig at Katharine McPhee. Frankly, I don't think Nelly's all that smart. Neither is Kat though. Whatever, I'd still bang both of them. And no, Andy Roddick, you cannot watch. (People.com)

Mark your calendars, Elliott Yamin fans. March 20 is a big day. Why, you ask? Well, it just so happens to be the anniversary of the publication of Albert Einstein's theory of relativity. What does that have to do with Elliott?! No fucking clue! I'm just trying to fill space. Actually though, that theory may have in some way, shape or form paved the way for the orthodontics that helped fix Elliott's busted grill. You never know!

Ow, all this talk of scientific theory is making my head hurt. Enough of this smart shit. March 20 is the day Yamin's debut album hits stores. If you can't wait that long, Elliott's first single titled "Movin' On" will be available for illegal downlo... er, I mean, purchase on iTunes and other digital music providers on February 13. (AmericanIdol.com)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

A Recap and a Roundup. Lucky Yous!

Okay, so I never quite got around to recapping the New York auditions when I said I would. My bad. What can I say? I suck and you should never ever date me.

But that's a story for another time and another blog. Oooh, shameless plug.

Anyhoo, I have to say that I was expecting to cringe through the entire two hours of this particular round because, prior to auditioning at Chelsea Piers in Manhattan, the contestants were first vetted at Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, NJ. See, I grew up a stone's throw from there and I was hoping against hope that the denizens of my home state wouldn't show me up... because, clearly, I am the bastion of class and propriety and shit.

But I'm happy to report that my fellow Garden Staters held their own. While cheesy and kind of annoying, Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba of Holmdel and Point Pleasant, respectively, didn't leave me wishing that I was born five months premature when my family still resided in Brooklyn, NY. Again, they were cheesy but not horrendous.

Do you know who was horrendous though? That Fania Tsakalakos. She's the one who treated us to the Big Fat Greek Audition and informed us that she's "from Athens, Greece and New Jersey."

I'm confused. Did her mother go into labor on the way from Greece to Newark Airport? Enlighten me, Fania. Oh and since I'm on this kick where I make questionable comparisons between contestants and celebrities in my recpas, I'm going to go ahead and say that Fania looks like the end result if Lainie Kazan and Nia Vardalos mated. Opa!

Since Mejack did such a bang-up job of summarizing the show, I'm going to shut up and move on into the most recent American Idol headlines.

Never let it be said that I have not mastered the smooth segue...

Katharine McPhee gives a lovely interview to People Magazine this week. Shut up, Mejack. It's true! Among other things, she acknowledges that she came across as "aloof" and "dry" on the program. Self-critique is hot. My crush is restored. Again, shut up Mejack! (AmericanIdol.com)

Kat can also be found in a guest-starring role in the hit sitcom "Ugly Betty" on February 1 (ABC, 8PM EST). That is quite possibly, the one and only time the words "ugly" and "Katharine McPhee" were ever uttered in the same sentence. I'm so serious, Mejack. Zip it. (Blogcritics)

Chris Daughtry's first album bearing the oh-so-original name of Daughtry is currently No. 1 on The Billboard 200. I can't say I'm shocked. After all, this is a nation where the likes of Applebees and the Olive Garden thrive. We have an isatiable appetite for the bland, tasteless and ultimately unsatisfying. It's a wonder plain rice cakes are not the number one snack food. (AmericanIdol.com)

But, if Daughtry is your sort of thing and you happen to live in the Greensboro, North Carolina area, well, we just can never be friends. Oh, I kid. While I do think Chris is a tool, I have no beef with The Tar Heel State. Y'all will be the envy of many a geographically-challenged Daughtry fan when the chrome-domed singer treats his homestate to a free concert on March 23, 2007. Uh, yeah... have fun with that. (Monsters and Critics.com)

Lastly, those of you equipped with a PlayStation 2 -- and a desire to humiliate yourself in the privacy of your own home -- can "audition" for Idol courtesy of Konami's Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol. OMG. I don't have PlayStation but between this game and Guitar Hero, I think I really need to get myself one. Donations gladly accepted. I don't rule out the odd sexual favor in exchange. (A+E Interactive)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Delayed New York Recap

My New York recap is coming soon, I promise. I had an emergency dental visit so I've been out of commission since last night. Fear not, the episode is stored on my DVR and I'm going to watch and then log in and bitch a blue streak about it. Stay tuned.

Memphis Recap

Is it just me or was tonight's episode rather lackluster? I scribbled down some notes while watching but looking over them now, I realize I'm low on both original thoughts and sufficient bile to soak them in.

But I'll give it a whirl anyway...

Jason "Sundance" Head shows promise in the vocal department. He also shows a striking resemblance to Meatloaf. Oh and his chin looks like it's covered in pubic hair. There's something obscene and unkempt about it. He needs to go at that thing with a Personal Touch trimmer and a bottle of Nair.

Timika Sims. Yeah, I'm not going there. Not because I think she's an easy target and I'm trying to take the high road here. Oh no. It's mostly because, like Simon, I couldn't understand a goddamn word she said.

Wandera Hitchye treated us to the evening's first meltdown. She's the broad who stormed out of the room, covered up the camera lens and yelled, "Get that shit out my face. I don't want to see that." Funny, I was thinking the same thing about her hair. It was like a series of bright red stalagmites. The more I think about it, the more I want to go spelunking.

Christopher "Topher" McCain. He's the poor schlub who looked like a more zaftig Dave Barry and was recently dumped by his wife. This audition was supposed to be the ex's comeuppance but well... no, Topher, it wasn't. If anything, it just strengthened her case for divorce.

And lastly, Robert Lee Holmes. Here's a guy I would actually feel bad picking on, believe it or not. So I won't. But I do have to share this exchange between Robert and Simon:

Robert: "I sing, dance, act and I write stories."

Simon: "What kind of stories do you write?"

Robert: "I write the story about the music of Robert."

Simon: "... How does the current part end?"

Robert: "With a period. It ends with a period."

Brilliant, Robert, just brilliant.

Photos: AmericanIdol.com

Newsbrief

Kelly Clarkson is the new face of NASCAR, y'all. If I actually gave a rat's ass, I'd take the time to find out who the old face of NASCAR was. But I really, really don't. I cannot stress that enough. (Reality TV World)

Season 6 wasted no time producing its first convict. Thomas Daniels, the dude I think looks like Lionel from The Jeffersons, was nabbed for a DUI in 2004 as well as a hit-and-run the following year.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if Tommy does make it to the finals, he will NOT be featured in any of those retarded Ford Focus commercials. All his costars will have to prance around and make asses of themselves and he'll be spared. Not the way I would have gone about it, but well done just the same, Tommy! (TMZ)

Speaking of oppressive product placement, Dreyer's Ice Cream is running an Idol-style contest for its Slow Churned Lite line of ice cream. Idol viewers and anyone bored enough are invited to vote for one of five new flavors (Hollywood Cheesecake, Soulful Sundae Cone, Choc 'n Roll Caramel, Take the Cake or Triple Talent). Gawd, those names! The favorite flavor will be sent to the "finals" and then forced to sing sappy ballads while legally bound to an iron-clad, soul-crushing contract, no doubt.

You know, part of me wants to slap this campaign with a big ol' "DUH!" but I won't because, well, I'm kind of hoping Dreyer's hooks me up with some free ice cream. Yes, I can be bought. Cheap. (Slashfood)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Seattle: A Partial Recap

I slacked last night, boys and girls. I can't even lie. I got home later than expected and didn't finish watching "American Idol." I did catch the beginning and I even scribbled a few thoughts on a legal pad. I'll give the episode the proper treatment later but for now, here are a few of the notes I took:

Jennifer "The Hotness" Chapton: Looks like Sy Snootles, the lead singer of The Max Rebo Band. Um, for you non-nerds, that would be the group that sings in Jabba's palace in "Return of the Jedi." Oh, shut up. You know you loved that movie, Ewoks and all.

Amy Salgado: The chick who needed water and complained "I have a really dry throat." Simon's reply: "Amy, you could like down in a bath with your mouth open and you still couldn't sing." Quite possibly his best comeback ever.

Darwin "Misha" Reedy: "Daria" meets "Working Girl." Dry, lifeless tone coupled with white sneakers and black tights. Did she commute to her audition? Her mother is dressed like The Church Lady. Or that weird chick with the bun played by Ruth Buzzy on "Laugh In."

Thomas "Tommy" Daniels: Looks like the first Lionel from "The Jeffersons."

Melissa Stavros: Hippo.

That's as far as I got, folks. More to come later. Promise. Mean it.

Photo: Galactic News

More Thoughts on the Season Premiere

The Lovely Jess was good enough to record our quips and color commentary during last night's season premiere. Now that I've had some time to chew on the scenes that unfolded before our horrified eyes last night, I would like to contribute a few more items:

1) In retrospect, it wasn't all that funny to watch Jason Anderson, a pimply 16-year-old boy, have an emotional breakdown after his audition went sour. And by "went sour," I mean sucked ass from the get-go.

I blame his family and friends though, not the judges. This is what happens when a whipped parent blows smoke up a child's ass -- the kid is reduced to tears before millions of people and will probably receive a daily wedgie from classmates from now until he graduates. Unless, of course, he cracks under the pressure of the relentless taunts and ridicule and drops out of school and ends up turning tricks and huffing spray paint in a dumpster behind the Mall of America.

What's even more tragic is that we, the audience, were assaulted with this "triple threat" of screeching, clod-hopping and Devil Stick... er, juggling? Sticking? I don't know even know what to properly call that shit. Why did he even bring them? Last I checked, this was an "American Idol" audition, not the parking lot at a Phish show. Speaking of which, mmm... nitrous.

2) You can pretty much rescue the most painful of insults by attaching a "sweetheart" or a "darling" to the end of it. Simon Cowell excels at this. "You were absolutely dreadful and have not a stitch of talent. Now off you go, sweetheart." See, it starts out cold and harsh but softens ever-so-slightly when that term of an endearment is tacked on at the end. It's sort of brilliant. The next time I call someone's mama a fat whore, I'll be sure to use this tactic.

3) Josh Flom is yet another misguided "rocker" who fancies himself the next Chris Daughtry and has mistaken phlegm-clearing for singing. Initially, I did not enjoy his audition, but dear Lord, my anticipation of his singing an ABBA song was quite possibly the best part of the whole show. While I waited patiently for him to select and subsequently butcher a beloved pop confection, I took it upon myself to apply his singing style to a medley of every ABBA song I know. FYI, "Fernando" and "Winner Takes It All" were the funniest of the sad lot. Well, to me, at least. Jess, Sheila and Mejack might not agree.

4) Paula, while clearly strung out on something, was rather subdued last night. With the exception of a few erratic arm-waving and swatting gestures, she held it together. Maybe Jewel had a calming effect on her. I know from personal experience that if you sit me down with a Jewel song or, perish the thought, some of her poetry, I'll be sawing logs in no time. Jewel's not a singer, she's a sedative. For Paula's sake, they should become BFFs. But for my sake, and the sake of this blog, they most definitely should not. Paula's spaz-outs are the leading source of most of our material. Speaking of which, we'll be launching a new Paula feature this week. And it's a good one! Details to come.

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Oh, Happy Day

I'm excited today, people. Really, really excited. See, Bravo just announced the creation of "Hey Paula," a TV show about the life and times of one Miss Paula Abdul, set to debut sometime this year. According to the Associated Press, cameras will roll as Paula toils away on "Idol" as well as the upcoming "Bratz: The Movie" and her perfume and cosmetics lines. (Yahoo News)

I'm not sure I've ever been this excited about anything. Ever. I am SO going to watch this program religiously. And, naturally, I will chronicle each and every delicious detail in Paula's downward spiral right here on "American Midol." Because rejoicing in someone else's pain and misfortune is so much fun.

Oh and can we discuss "Bratz: The Movie" for a second?! Wow, just when I thought those dolls couldn't get any creepier, along comes Paula Abdul to ratchet things up from simply scary to truly terrifying. Um, well done, Paula?

Sorry, friends, but I'm not going anywhere near that movie. As much as I'm committed to broadcasting Paula's failures (and let's face it, it will fail) in a very public fashion, there are certain things I do value, such as my ability to hold down food and get a good night's sleep without frequent bouts of night terrors. Call me selfish, but you're on your own with this one.