Season Finale (Part 1): Recap

Wow, so I wasn't so far off last week when I guessed that the Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumble! guy was in the audience. I'm a little shocked at my accuracy 'cause I totally pulled that out of my ass. I should really fish around in there for some number combinations and then take a crack at this week's Lotto. It's not everyone who has a magical, soothsaying rear end, you know.

Anyhoo, the annoying announcer was there to kick off a night of belabored boxing references. I still don't quite understand how Andrew Lloyd Webber fit into the picture... unless, of course, you factor in all the critics and nay-sayers who would be all too happy to beat his ass down. Yes, me included. Actually, I'd prefer to wrestle him a steel cage match. Just 'cause.

So, in the red corner or whatever, was David Cook who bounced around and punched at the air with credible skill and effect. Less successful was wee David Archuleta who just sort of flung his arms up over his head and bounded uncomfortably toward the center of the stage. I'm not the least bit surprised that Cook's was the better result since he merely did what he's been doing all season long -- copying someone else's work. In this case, Carl Weathers'.

First Round: Song Selection by Rudy Giuliani, er, I mean, Clive Davis

David Cook: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2
Save for one ill-advised "C'mon!" I was happy to see that Cook left the arrangement intact and sung a faithful rendition of the original. I totally didn't hate it. Nor did Randy who dubbed it "Hot, baby!" Paula went the obvious route and told David that he was "what we're looking for." Um, speak for yourself there, Paula. Simon rounded out the love fest calling the performance "phenomenal."

David Archuleta: "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by Elton John
Um, I can't believe I'm going to say this but I thought David Cook smoked wee David in this round. The judges disagreed. Randy upped the temperature to "Molten hot!" whereas Paula's nips were at attention because wee David had given her the chills. Simon weighed in with his signature fake-out where he started off by saying something ominous and then ended up planting a a big wet one on Archuleta.

Result: Round One to Archuleta.

Second Round: Song Contest Selections

Cook: "Dream Big" by Emily Shackleton
I did not enjoy that. Then again, I never enjoy these original songs. And, ew, this one sounded a lot like Survivor. If there's one thing worse than a Survivor song (save for "Eye of the Tiger") it's a song that merely sounds like a Survivor song. Seriously, is the Survivor sound something anyone needs to emulate? What's next? A Mr. Mister cover band?

Wow, the very idea of that just sent a cold shiver up and down my spine.

Archuleta: "In This Moment" by Ryan Gilmore
I knew before he even opened his mouth that Archuleta would take this round. He's all about the uplifting cheese and well, so are the dildos who apply for this fucking contest.

Result: Cook shouldn't have even bothered.

Third Round: Contestant's Choice

I thought for sure Cook would handily win this round because, while his arrangements aren't all that original (despite misguided popular opinion), he has been very good at picking different showcase-y songs for his voice and style. Um yeah, not tonight.

He opted for "The World I Know" by Collective Soul... Dude, Collective Soul? Really? Why? Even more surprising was that he maintained an even, quiet pace throughout. He didn't resort to his usual slow-build-then-screamy-big-finish as he's done pretty much every week prior. As a result, he was met with subdued praise by the judges... Well, the two judges who didn't want to jump his bones. You see, Paula's cooch speaks for her when Cook is on the stage so I'm not even going to dignify her verbal queefs, if you will, with further analysis.

Randy called it "very nice" but Simon thought he should have reprised "Billie Jean" or "Hello." He also called Cook one of the nicest contestants ever and then immediately looked pissed and regretful when Cook opined about his time on the show being "a progression" and therefore, he didn't want to repeat himself. Simon prefers when you feign modesty with the namaste-like bows, David. I'd tell you to make note but well, too late!

David Archuleta smartly trotted out "Imagine" one last time, sans the blasphemous first verse. Randy was all "You're the best singer ever! Woooooooooooooooooooooo! Did I mention you could sing the phone book?! Wooooooooooooooooooo!" Paula claimed to be speechless even though nonsensical words continued to fall out her mouf. Lots of them. Simon informed us that we had just witnessed a knock-out. I was all, "Um, okay" but then I promptly picked up the phone and voted for David Archuleta like a million times. He's persuasive, that Simon.

However, according to most of you, my votes are in vain. Our poll (live until 8PM EST tomorrow) currently has David Cook spanking both Archuleta and apathy. There's still time to reverse it! Clear your cookies and vote again! Or else, I may very well toss mine.

Top 3: Results Show

Well, that was a pointless exercise. I'm not even going give you people on the west coast a spoiler alert because, really, are the results even surprising? The Davids advance while Syesha is Sarasota-bound.

Starting off the colossal waste of time was the group sing. This week's ritual slaughter was "Ain't No Stopping Us Now," complete with choreography! You know, for a supposed bad ass rocker, David Cook looked all too game and comfortable doing the retarded dance steps. Lame-o.

Before cutting to a commercial, the camera panned the audience revealing some gray-hair who I think, but don't quote me, was the "Let's Get Ready to Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuumble!" dude. Oh, and David Hernandez. Man, I totally forgot about that guy and the accompanying gay non-scandalous scandal.

After the commercial, Season 3 winner, Fantasia, took the stage sporting a shade of lipstick that miraculously matched her shock of hot pink hair. Her performance of "Bore Me" was... um... actually, here's Simon's reaction which I think says it all:

Incredulous.

Up next, the journeys home. It was at this time that my cable decided it was time to resume its recent habit of freezing up, pixelating and warping the picture and then jumping ahead, leaving entire blocks of time in its wake. Actually, come to think of it, I think this is probably what it feels like to be Paula Abdul.

So, I missed most of David Archuleta's return to Murray, Utah and a good chunk of Syesha's time in the Tampa area. I did catch the mayor of Sarasota, Lou Ann Palmer, doing a handstand, of all things. You KNOW she's been practicing that since Syesha got her golden ticket.

Unfortunately, my cable stopped crapping out just in time for the David Cook coronation in Blue Springs, MO which was characterized by lots of screaming girls and David dramatically dabbing the tears from his eyes. Pussy.

And then, finally, after about 58 minutes of time-wasting nonsense, we arrived at the most anti-climatic decision since poor Kimberly Locke had to pretend she had actually had a shot at toppling either Ruben Studdard or Clay Aiken way back in Season 2. Syesha Mercado accepted her fate without tears nor invoking the memory of the civil rights movement. That, perhaps, was the most shocking thing of all.

So, to summarize for you skimmers and/or dolts, your Top 2 are David Archuleta and... yaaaaaaaaawn... David Cook. My money's on Archuleta. What do you think?

more at twiigs.com...

Predictions

Question:
So who do you ladies' think is going to win this thing?

Jess says:
I think the Davids will make up the final two, and my money's on creepy David Archuleta to win the whole thing. What? He's creepy. Don't front. You know he is -- you just don't want to say it out loud because he's sunshine and rainbows and puppies and if you say it, it's like you're kicking a puppy. Luckily, I kick puppies all the time so I'm fine with it. In fact, I'm kicking one right now. The judges have been ramming Archuleta down our throats like Harry Reems to Linda Lovelace all season. Why? I don't know. Is he more marketable than smarmy David Cook? I don't think so. Is he more talented than Syesha Mercado? Again, I don't think so. Are 12-year-old girls the only demographic record labels care about these days? Maybe. Can we have Jason Castro back? Please?

Curly McDimple says:
In seasons past, I've had super strong feelings about my desired American Idol. For example, the fact that I didn't douse myself with gasoline and strike a match when Taylor "The Tard" Hicks beat my beloved Tits McPhee is nothing short of a miracle.

During Season Two, I damn near gave myself calluses voting for the otherwise unremarkable… uh…. What's his face? Big fat guy with limited breathing ability and high blood pressure? Ruben Studdard! Yeah, that's it! Sure, he had a decent set of pipes but that's not why he got my vote. It was my utter contempt for Clay Aiken that made me incur a ridiculous amount of texting fees on my AT&T bill in support of Sir Wheezes-a-Lot.

Sadly, this season, I have no fire in mah belly nor a deep, abiding hatred of anyone. Sure, I think David Cook is an arrangement-pilfering douche with an unhealthy relationship with a straightening iron. And perhaps I believe that Syesha Mercado's greatest post-Idol achievement will be landing the role of Patty Simcox's swing in a production of Grease in Branson, MO. And maybe, just maybe, I firmly believe with all of my heart that wee David Archuleta is going to snap one day and take a knitting needle or a pair of scissors to Jeff Archuleta's voice box after he pooh-poohed David's reworking of "Every Heartbeat" from Amy Grant's cross-over album, Heart In Motion. She's such a polarizing trollop, that Amy Grant.

Not that I've given this all that much thought, you see…

But, honestly, I don't have much of an interest in who is going to win this year. It's anyone's game, really. And by anyone, I mean Davids Archuleta and Cook. Sorry, Syesha, you're toast this week. Between the Davids, I really couldn't give two shits, but, if I had my druthers, I'd say that wee David Archuleta's shrieking fan base will give him the edge. I also predict that Jeff Archuleta should secure all sharp objects within reach and sleep with one eye open.

Lizz says:
I'm going with smarm-boat David Cook for the win, if only because I truly believe David Archuleta's pop isn't going to let him perform in the finals--you know he's going to get in a flying rage and go all Daddy Dearest on us in the last episode, when he'll insist on taking the stage and singing those songs himself because poor little David can't be trusted not to screw up their, er, his dreams of winning it all and succeeding in the music biz, yes, that's right, David's dreams.

Maybe if David A is lucky his dad will let him work the spotlight during the final number...no wait, on second thought, I don't think he can be trusted to do that either, better let dad take care of it.

Mejack says:
All I would say is that I want to set Syesha on fire.

Recap: Top 5 Results

Like, I know Neil Diamond is a legend and crap but I have to say, this week's show? Not so memorable. Perhaps I was just distracted by all the shiny sequins on Neil's shirts in the tribute montage thingy.

Is it just me or was that sequence quite heavy on The Jazz Singer clips? I think I need to add that movie to my Netflix queue. I haven't seen it in ages. I remember Laurence of Arabia played the disapproving father in it. Oh wait, or was it Laurence Olivier as the grumpy dad? Whatever. I DO remember that Lucie Arnaz was in it because I'm random like that.

Anyhoo, Idol... yeah, so last night's show wasn't much to blog about... as you can see by the dearth of recaps up in here. Paula's retardation was the only stand-out and well, that's not exactly news now is it?

In tonight's installment, we wasted a good 15 minutes or so on the medley (no "America"! Thank you, David Archuleta!), recaps from the previous night and then an extended promo for So You Think You Can Dance. I won't bitch about the latter too much since Mejack and Jess will kick my ass but good. They're big ol' fans, see.

After the commercial break, the producers made a half-assed attempt at suspense by lumping David Cook, Brooke White and Syesha Mercado in the at-risk group. If you really wanted to dick us around, Idol powers-that-be, you could have sent Syesha to safety first and made David sweat it out a little bit. But noooooooooooo. He of the ridiculous hair was released to the couches right away. Actually, he was soon followed by the two doomed broads because this was only 24 minutes into the broadcast and filler comes before fate, girls!

Helping to stretch out the broadcast:

• A performance by Natasha Bedingfield
• More stupid viewer calls including one from a Ms. Tara Miller, Simon's first kiss at the ripe old age of 9 (Go Simon!)
• A performance by Neil Diamond, sans sparkly shirt
• A drawn-out post-performance Q&A conducted by Ryan who was no doubt dutifully obeying the director's order to stretch

And then, finally, the results. Brooke was already crying by the time she and Syesha made it to the center of the stage. Ryan, sensing her increasingly delicate state -- and not wanting to be blamed for her mental collapse -- delivered the news quickly and mercifully... Brooke was the next to go. Hit it, Ruben!

Brooke's tribute clip and sing-out actually made me sad. I felt for the girl. Sure, she made me uncomfortable week after week to the point of painful itching, but I didn't hate her or anything. And really, that's what these kids are really striving for, right? Record deal, schmecord deal. Staying off my shit is the ultimate goal for any worthwhile American Idol candidate.

Paula, Paula, Paula

Recap's a-comin' folks but for now, I thought I'd resurrect one of last season's weekly features on American Midol: The Paula Abdul Insanity Index.

Girlfriend more than earned this cheeky repeat last night when she critiqued Jason Castro's second song... before he even sang it. She looked beyond befuddled as Randy and Simon tried to steer her back into the land of sanity. That was an exercise in futility, boys.

So I'm giving Paula a 9 this week. She deserved a 10 but, well, I don't have the Photoshop file here at work so I'm recycling an image from last year. How very green of me!

More to come!

Recap: Bullshit Results

This show officially disgusts me. First, we were beaten senseless with a nasty, off-key "All I Ask of You" group sing complete with Sir Andrew's piano accompaniment. My that man has an awkward relationship with the camera, doesn't he though?! When not gesturing like a goon, he had a tendency to expose his bottom lip and flash his his lower set of yellowing teeth. Tres chimp-like. His behavior tonight has all but guaranteed insomnia in my immediate future.

Even more disturbing was that the two strongest performers from the previous night -- Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson -- ended up in the bottom two. Such horse shit.

So, tonight we said goodbye to Carly Smithson but here's what we have to look forward to: a possible "America/Sweet Caroline" group medley during Neil Diamond week, at least one more Brooke meltdown, several more pinched arrangements from David Cook as well as dry-lipped-open-eyed David Archuleta performances. Lucky us.

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Recap: Unexpected Song[s]

That title is for you theater geeks up in the hizzy. Song and Dance, represent!

Ahem. So last night was Andrew Lloyd Webber night on Idol, something I had dreaded even more than Mariah's appearance. I'm soundly in the Stephen Sondheim camp, you see. Sir Andrew is a right wanker, yo.

While I was totally expecting some of the contestants to tank, I will admit that many of them surprised me with their song choices. No one performed what I expected. For example, I thought for sure that Brooke White would tackle "Memory" and that David Cook would unleash the screamy on something from Jesus Christ, Superstar whereas David Archuleta would serve up some extra cheese via Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Syesha defied my Evita expectations and Jason Castro... oh, Jason Castro... why didn't he tackle something light like "Any Dream Will Do"? I think he would have done a great job with it. Instead, he took on a song that requires a serious belt and, you know, a vagina. Although, his "I didn't know it was sung by a cat" exclamation elicited an actual guffaw from yours truly. Priceless.

Poor Brooke White took yet another header off her once-comfy perch. She is just losing it. Even Paula was without sympathy and, for several seconds, speech. But then after a long pause, Paula returned to form with incoherent babble and she was all, "You need to make shit up when you forget the lyrics!" Really, do we want to use this woman as a model of what to do when put on the spot in front of millions?

Seriously though? Does anyone think it's wise to follow Paula's advice to just say "what's in your heart" when words fail? She does that shit week in and week out and look how well THAT'S worked out for her. Shut up, Paula. Just shut up.

Uh, what else? Oh right, celebs in the audience! Just like Jess, I spotted Paul Stanley but, unlike Jess, I thought he looked more like Mercedes Ruehl than Joan Rivers. Either way, his appearance is alarming. I dare say the KISS Army had a few defectors after that quick pan o' the camera.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Brooke White, Jason Castro, Syesha Mercado
Going Home: I don't agree with this but it might just be Syesha because of the one-two punch of Vote for the Worst and the sympathy vote for Brooke.

Top 10: Recap

Tonight's show had the contestants singing songs from the year they were born. At one point, I was all, "Duh, why not just make the theme be 1987?!" since it seemed everyone was born that year. Alas, I was wrong. Dude, David Archuleta was born in 1990. That means, he's the same age as my friend's son... the friend who had to miss the prom because she was, you know, giving birth. Crazy.

But, once again, enough about me and on with the show...

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "Alone" by Heart (1987)

When will these kids learn? DON'T TOUCH THIS SONG. EVER! Why? I'll tell you why. Actually, scratch that... I'll show you why! Behold!

Just look at wee Carrie Underwood all "aw shucks" and Okie-d out before the song and then she takes the stage and HOT DAMN, that vocal is a thing of a magic. Even Nancy and Ann Wilson gave her their blessing by performing the song with her. That song is officially marked. No one else best come sniffing around it again. Capiche, Ramiele?

Randy and Simon agreed and quickly smacked Ramiele down. Paula dissented and told Ramiele she was "really sick" which I think was a compliment? Not sure. Whatever, it sucked and Ramiele is in danger, girl.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Fragile" by Sting (1987)

Happy Birthday, Jason! I really like what he did with this song. He was back with the guitar which suits him well. I think he's way more comfortable when using it. Randy and Paula thought he played it safe. Simon wasn't at all impressed and told Jason to take the competition more seriously. Jason's response? A half-hearted promise to do so and his trademark goofy grin. God, I love him.

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "If I Was Your Woman" by Stephanie Mills (1987)

She's starting to work my nerves. Her singing is okay but her pre-performance interviews really make me want to punch her in the face. I can't say much about her performance because I was too busy playing with a flashlight pen I got from Yahoo. It's so cool! It projects a Bat Symbol-like Y! on the wall. Intriguing!

Um, what was I saying? Oh, right. Syesha's song... Randy and Paula gushed. Simon told her there was a "limit on [her] vocal" and the song "strained it a bit." Again, I was distracted by a shiny object -- literally -- so I don't have much of an opinion but I'll err on the side of logic and sanity and say I agree with Simon.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "If Only for One Night" by Luther Vandross (1985)

Man, I hated this. In my notes, I wrote the word "boring" with a lot of extra Os. Imagine my surprise when Randy issued the same critique. He even elongated the first syllable. Shocking! I think I'm more disturbed when Randy echoes my opinions than when Paula does.

Paula fawned over the performance but Simon wasn't impressed. After several weeks of exuberant performances and major image repair, Chikezie shot it all to shit by getting defensive when Simon took him to task for being cheesy by reaching into the audience and working the crowd. He got all pissy and said, "That's who I'm singing it for! I'm sorry!"

You're not sorry, Fat Alfonso Ribeiro, and I predict that bit of cheekiness will land your ass in the Bottom Three.

Brooke White
Performed: "Every Breath You Take" by The Police (1983)

Good thing Brooke's likable. She totally missed her cue from Ryan to start the song and then when she did, she stopped and started over. But she recovered nicely and delivered a solid performance. Randy and Simon didn't like that midway through, the band joined in on Brooke's solo piano and sped up the tempo. Paula offered somewhat restrained praise.

At this point, I turned my attention from the flashlight to doodling palm trees in the margins of my notebook. These 90-minute shows and my short attention span are just not compatible.

Michael Johns
Performed: "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions" by Queen (1978)

This had great potential to be corny but Michael really worked it out. Also, his knee-bending and mic-handling histrionics were somewhat limited tonight which was a nice change. Of course, there's a chance I missed them because I had a wee giggle fit during the song because I remembered how I used to change the lyrics to: "And we'll keep on farting 'til the end." I always thought I was heeeee-larious whenever I did that. And by whenever, I mean just last week.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler (1983)

I thought this was awesome, save for the last note which was all over the place. Up until that point, I thought it was a controlled, masterful performance of a tough song to sing. Of course, I'm basing the level of difficulty on my own attempts to sing this song which, believe you me, have not been successful. Whoever said that everyone sounds good in the shower is a lying sack of crap.

Paula gave Carly pretty good grades but Randy and Simon were unfairly harsh. Poor Carly looked stunned up there. I really don't know why they were so hard on her. It's okay, Carly, I voted for you. Go raibh maith agat!

David Archuleta
Performed: "You're the Voice" by John Farnham (1990)

It was a decent vocal but the lyrics were so earnest and, you know, uplifting that my hardened, cynical ass couldn't help but squirm. Randy and Paula both thought it was nice but Simon redeemed himself from his earlier Carly assassination by characterizing David's performance as something out of a theme park. If I had to guess, that theme park would have been Heritage USA.

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood (1984)

She's crafty, that Kristy Lee Cook. Given the subject matter, it's really hard to pick on her for poor song choice. Also, I'm pretty certain that this is her go-to up-tempo song in her limited canon. When the situation calls for a ballad, she dusts off "Amazing Grace," but for all other occasions, she's proud to be an American. Well played, Kristy Lee Cook.

All three judges praised it highly with Simon predicting that it was good enough to keep her in the competition. Then again, no big surprise there since Kristy Lee is the new Vote for the Worst pick.

David Cook
Performed: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson (1982)

Because David has been given credit for lifted arrangements week after week, Ryan finally cited the source for tonight's variation on a well-known song: Chris Cornell. Apparently, Randy, Paula and Simon all had shit in their ears when Ryan did that because they still fell all over themselves telling David how "original" and "brilliant" and "brave" and "amazing" he was.

That's such horse shit!!!! He's a good cover artist! He's not a musical genius of motherfucking Prince-like proportions. He's a good mimic but so is Rich Little, for fuck's sake! If this keeps up, I WILL have an aneurysm.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Ramiele Malubay, Chikezie and Kristy Lee Cook
Going Home: Toss-up between Ramiele and Chikezie. I'll say Ramiele because she totally pissed me off with her "It went bye-bye" baby talk when asked about her voice. Retard. Be gone!

Top 11: Results

I could lie and tell you that I knew exactly who was going to be sent home tonight but I'd be a lying sack of shit if I did that. I never actually posted my predictions this week but had I done so, I would have once again waved buh-bye to Kristy Lee Cook. I would have also predicted that Syesha and Ramiele would be sitting alongside her in the Stools o' Shame nervously awaiting their fate. Had I done so, my average would have sunken lower than... uh... you know, something really low. But I didn't go on record so my average stays the same... which isn't saying much.

And now, on with the show...

Ryan opens the show by planting yet another big wet one on the collective Beatles ass and then segues into a promo for the other notable names who will loom large this season. Serving as mentors in upcoming episodes, we can expect: Dolly "Can't See Her Shoes Either" Parton, Mariah Carey, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Neil Diamond.

Oh man, the Andrew Lloyd Webber show is going to be a complete cheese fest. Ten bucks says David Cook will pick something from Jesus Christ Superstar. I further predict that the girls will seriously duke it out over which one gets to sing "Memory" from Cats. The fur, as they say, will fly.

Next up was the horrendous medley portion of the program where we heard snippets of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," "Here, There and Everywhere," "Because" and "The End." During Kristy Lee Cook's brief solo, the camera jerked violently to the left totally robbing her of precious face time. I thought for sure it was a sign of things to come. Sigh.

Right before the commercial, there's a shot of previous also-rans Kevin Covais and John Peter Lewis clapping it up in the audience. Kevin grew out his hair and was sporting some thick-framed glasses. He sort of looks like that yelly dude in the commercials who wears a suit with all those question marks on it and really wants you to buy his book so you can figure out how to claim money the government supposedly owes you. Yeah, him.

After the commercial, we're face with the first bit of annoying padding to help fill out the hour -- a replay of songs from the previous night. Finally, Ryan cut to the chase and started announcing the results:

Brooke White = Safe
Carly Smithson = Bottom Three! Whoa, so not expecting that!
David Archuleta = Duh, safe
Michael Johns = Safe

More padding: Behind the scenes of the Ford video shoot. I find these things insipid so I'm not going to comment any further than the song was "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash.

More results, thank God...

David Cook = Safe. Fuck it all to hell.
Kristy Lee Cook = Bottom Three
Jason Castro = Safe... and sooooooooooo adorable
Ramiele Malubay = Safe

Then it was time for toothless, mind-numbing questions from the viewers. Oh why oh why can't one of Howard Stern's regulars get through? Can a bitch get a "Babbabooey!" up in here? Instead, we have to suffer through bullshit about iTunes downloads and staged kisses between Paula and Simon. I've seen beauty pageant questions with more bite.

Up next, Kellie Pickler performed "Red High Heels." It went a little something like this:

Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Red High Heels. Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Yodelaaayheehooo. Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Red High Heels. Twang-a-twang-a-twang.

BEGIN SINCERE/SAPPY ALERT!
Ryan briefs us on this year's Idol Gives Back (April 9) and then rolls some footage of Fantasia and Elliott Yamin in Angola, where they visited with locals and helped distribute mosquito nets. Thanks to the contributions from last year's effort, Idol Gives Back was able to distribute 8 million nets in Africa.

In a really touching scene, Elliott got super choked up after he learned that a baby boy was given his name because local custom dictates that newborns be named after visitors. That got me ::right here::.
END SINCERE/SAPPY ALERT!

Back to the results...

Syesha Mercado = Safe
Amanda Overmyer = Bottom 3! Totally unexpected yet awesome!
Fat Alfonso Ribeiro = Safe

Carly, Kristy and Amanda assembled in the center of the stage where Carly was quickly put out of her misery and released to the safety of the Top 10 couch. No surprise there. I think it's safe to say that Carly will never ever again compare herself to a dead bird or whatever while America is watching. Lesson learned.

It's down to Kristy and Amanda and while I hate Amanda, I think she has more of a right to be there than Kristy but then I had a sickening feeling in my stomach that Kristy's sympathy vote would swing hard and kick Amanda right square in the ass and sure enough, it did! Amanda Overmyer, with the voice that suggests she could use a good stool softener and an affinity for wearing Kevin Dubrow's pants, is outta here!

And that settles that. Here are your Season 7 Top 10:

1. David Archuleta
2. Jason Castro
3. Chikezie
4. David Cook
5. Kristy Lee Cook
6. Michael Johns
7. Ramiele Malubay
8. Syesha Mercado
9. Carly Smithson
10. Brooke White

Top 11: Song List

This week's theme was The Beatles Part Two: Electric Boogaloo (sorry, couldn't resist). Full recap to come tomorrow but here's the song list to hold you over.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "Back in the USSR"

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"

David Archuleta
Performed: "The Long and Winding Road"

Michael Johns
Performed: "A Day in the Life"

Brooke White
Performed: "Here Comes the Sun"

David Cook
Performed: "Daytripper"

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Blackbird"

Jason Castro
Performed: "Michelle"

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Yesterday"

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "I've Just Seen a Face"

Top 12: The Results

My prognostication skills are reeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally rusty this season. I was 2-for-3 with my bottom three predictions. I correctly guessed that Daniel Hernandez and Kristy Lee Cook would bring up the rear. I thought for sure they'd be joined by Ramiele, but because America wants to make an ass of me, Syesha was elected into their sad ranks.

Further bruising my psychic average was the end result. Kristy Lee Cook inexplicably lives on. Who has to bounce, you ask? [Insert dramatic pause here]... Why, none other than David Hernandez!

Fuck my piss-poor prediction percentage! I'm happy with this result. That dude was CHEEEEEEEEEZ-ZAY. On the other hand, his prancing about in his birthday suit for male clientele gave us our best traffic since Antonella Barba's whorey pictures surfaced last season.

But whatever, the season's still young and there's plenty of potential for more scandal and shame. Naturally, we'll be here to fan the flames and recklessly report on it based on nothing more than questionable hearsay and filthy innuendo. It's what we do.

You're welcome.

Top 12: Curly's Recap

Tonight's recap is brought to you by Stella Artois... brewed by the same noble tradition in Belgium since 1366.

To clarify, we at American Midol have not received a kick-back from that mention. I'm merely warning you that I've had a few so you should attribute any silliness in this post to the makers of this fine beer. Speaking of which... kind people at Stella Artois -- we at American Midol would NOT turn down the scratch if you wanted to work something out. Or free beer. We'll gladly accept either.

Moving on...

So tonight's episode featured the venerable Lennon-McCartney song book as well as the highly-touted new opening graphics and brand spanking new stage. The "new" intro didn't seem all that new to me, if I'm being honest. They still have the two figures walking towards the stage in a manner that suggests both are suffering from a debilitating case of scoliosis. There were some new flourishes, I guess, but mostly just left-over colors and clips from previous seasons. Such bullshit.

The new set looked straight out of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Starlight Express." I seriously expected the performers to come out on roller skates and do jumps and stunts and shit while singing. Would have made for a more-interesting two hours of my life, if you ask moi.

Oh and there's a supposed "mosh pit," according to Ryan. Um, I know he's way into music and crap but was boyfriend ever actually IN a mosh pit?! 'Cause I was. In fact, I took more than one Doc Marten to the temple (would explain a lot, no?) and never once in my experience did I ever notice anyone doing the slow back-and-forth wave during ballads, as "Idol" audiences were wont to do this evening. Rookies. Me at 19 would have kicked their arses.

If my arms went up in the air, it was to help pass along some big dude who was crowd-surfing with reckless abandon. Oh and there was that one time I raised an arm and then flipped off Gordon Gano at a Violent Femmes show because he was giving us a condescending lecture about the dangers of throwing shit on the stage.

Fucktard.

Now that that's out of the way, on with the show...

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Got to Get You Into My Life"
Syesha look like a "Solid Gold" dancer in that ensemble. Were Rick Dees and Marilyn McCoo in the house?

Randy thought it was all right. Paula told Syesha she found her zone midway through. Simon thought it was far more than Randy's all right but felt that Syesha succumbed to a case of the nerves. As for me, I think she took a great song and cheesed it up. Unforgivable.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "She's a Woman"
Hot damn, that was good. I didn't want to like it but Fat Alfonso Ribeiro threw all of his heart and flab into it. I thoroughly enjoyed that. Randy was similarly entertained. Paula said some crap about the reward paying off. I'm guessing she meant risk? Probably not. I think Paula was hitting the Stella tonight too. Simon dug it.

Methinks Fat Alfonso Ribeiro is actually safe this week and, if he plays his cards right, one step closer to shedding the nickname I've saddled him with.

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "In My Life"
Fat Alfonso Ribeiro's was a tough act to follow. I didn't envy anyone in this spot tonight but I thought Ramiele might be all spitfire-like and hold her own. Yeah, no.

Randy was bored. Paula told her she was pretty which means she hated the singing but was too much of a drugged-up pussy to say so. Simon, on the other hand, had no qualms about telling her he was bored to tears.

Word, Simon. And you too, stupid Randy. Ramiele is a possible Bottom Three contender tonight.

Jason Castro
Performed: "If I Fell"
I love Jason but this really wasn't his best. Randy didn't love it. Paula disagreed with Randy and said, "I'll tell you why..." And then she proceeded to explain but honestly, I didn't hear a word of it because I was too busy doodling in my notebook. If I had to guess why she supports Jason with such gusto, it's because he has a penis. She likes those.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Come Together"
Oh man, she kicked that song's ass. I finally believe the Carly hype. It took me a while to warm up to her but she won me over tonight. She received a crazy amount of applause and unanimous praise from the judges. Hopefully she'll remember that next week and won't revert to selecting crap-ass songs.

David Cook
Performed: "Eleanor Rigby"
Nothing shocking here: I still hate him and all three judges bent right over for his so-so performance. This has got to stop.

Brooke White
Performed: "Let It Be"
Once again, Brooke showcased that awesome smoky texture in her vocals. She played solid piano throughout. Even better, she didn't fiddle with the arrangement but still kept it interesting. She did a great job. I loved how awed and humbled she was at the enormity of the stage and the moment. The judges ate it up as did I.

David Hernandez
Performed: "I Saw Her Standing There"
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME. I knew it would be before he even opened his mouth. I was, however, a little surprised to see him venture out into the audience and dance up on some o' the ladies, you know, given his sordid stripping past. Oh, why oh why weren't any of them holding out dollar bills?!? No one thought that might be kind of funny?!?! That's officially the lamest mosh pit ever.

Randy, Paula and Simon all thought David's performance sucked balls. I'm guessing American will too. See you in the Bottom Three, David.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "You Can't Do That"
Hi, nice Dude from Quiet Riot pants there, Amanda. Seriously, it looks like she shops at one of those stores where Brett Michaels takes his dates on "Rock of Love."

Sadly, the judges dug her so we're stuck with her for at least another week.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Across the Universe"
While not nearly as screechy or boring, Michael committed the same sin as Ramiele. He took one of the quieter songs in the songbook and dutifully sang it without any ooomph. Also, Rufus Wainwright covered that song a few years ago and no one else can touch it, in my opinion.

Randy finally got Michael's dick out of his mouth and opined that the song made him sleepy. Finally! He criticized him. Paula yammered on about "quiet confidence" or some bullshit. Simon said that while a good vocal, it was monotonous.

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "Eight Days a Week"
I just took a look at the notes I scribbled during the show and, at first, I thought I wrote "super fart" in response to Kristy's performance. If that vocal had a smell, it would be a equivalent to a super fart, I guess. What I actually wrote was "super fast." The tempo was way up. So much so that it sounded like a 33 being played on the 45 setting. Um, am I dating myself with the whole record player reference?

Simon actually said it best when he declared that she sounded like "Dolly Parton on helium." Paula hated it so much, she didn't even bother to tell Kristy how pretty she looked. That's bad. Randy said something negative too but, well, do you really care?

David Archuleta
Performed: "We Can Work It Out"
How come David got to wrap up the show yet again? I mean, I know the producers want him to win and stuff but seriously, didn't he already get the last slot during the Top 24? Must we be so obvious?!?

Randy didn't think it was on point. Paula agreed it wasn't his best but still fawned all over him anyway. Simon dubbed it a mess and criticized David for attempting the Stevie Wonder version of the song. At this point, I was too buzzed and tired to really give a shit.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Kristy Lee Cook, David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay
Going Home: Kristy and her twang are hitting the trail.

Recap: Top 12 Results Show

Damn! I went 2 for 4 this week. I'm really sucking this year with my predictions. But, in my defense, I did say that Kady Malloy might make it through at the expense of someone better. However, it was the other forgettable blond that benefited. Kristy Lee... Kady... same difference. Either way, Asia'h Epperson was robbed in a major way. America, you're a bunch of assholes.

Luke Menard's dismissal was neither surprising and way overdue. As for Danny Noriega's gasp-inducing ouster, he was probably a bit too cheeky for his own good. His 'tude was already wearing super thin so I don't think people wanted to deal with two more months of that.

But Danny-lovers should take heart, he'll be on "Ellen" soon enough and that Fat Alfonso Ribeiro won't be long for the competition. But then again, what the hell do I know? My prediction average blows this season. I'd calculate it but, well, I don't know how. Fuck math.

Top 16: Girls Recap

Sorry for the delay, peeps. At the risk of seeming unfaithful, the finale of "Project Runway" was on last night and my attention was rather divided. Monogamy is not my strong suit. I admit it.

Okay, so last night was rather lackluster and, as such, my recap will be the same. Blame the girls, not me.

Asia'h Epperson
Performed: "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Houston
Asia'h has a cool voice but I'm so over contestants singing Whitney, Mariah, et al. I mean, haven't they watched the previous seasons? The judges ALWAYS make the comparison. It's so boring. Plus, I hate this fucking song. But still, Asia'h didn't murder it so I'll give her that much.

Verdict: Safe

Kady Malloy
Performed: "Who Wants to Live Forever" by Queen
I like this girl. I just do. I don't agree with Simon that she's robotic. I just think she's not picking the best songs to showcase her personality. With that said, I thought she did a really good job tonight. If Kady sticks around, she has the makings of a Kat McPhee-sized crush, methinks.

Verdict: Probably going home but could stage another upset like last week.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "I Hate Myself for Loving You" by Joan Jett
Shit. This didn't suck. Between Simon's praise and the Vote for the Worst campaign, she's a shoo-in for the Top 12. The "I gargle with gravel" voice and Lily Munster hair live on.

Verdict: Safe, dammit.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "I Drove All Night" by Cyndi Lauper
Again with the Celine covers. Fuck you, people. Fuck you all to hell.

Verdict: Safe

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "Faithfully" by Journey
Quelle surprise! Randy Jackson name-dropped Journey. I didn't see that coming. God, I hate Randy. And I hated this song.

Verdict: Gonzo

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins
The song was fine but does anyone else find Ramiele a little scary? Lovely voice, mind you, but there's in that wee body of hers that gives me the major creeps.

Verdict: Safe

Brooke White
Performed: "Love Is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar
Damn, that was good. When Ryan announced her song choice before the commercial, I actually groaned. But she did a damn good job of it. There was a lovely smoky element to her voice that I just adored. I'm a little bummed she didn't do the arms-akimbo boob shimmy though. Danny Noriega no doubt would have fallen in step behind her and they would have rocked it. Pity.

Verdict: Safe

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Saving All My Love" by Whitney Houston
Syesha got the shaft when it came down to the judging. She got one-word answers from all the judges because the stage manager must have been gesturing wildly for them to wrap it up. I agree with Simon that it was "predicatable but good."

Verdict: Safe (both in standings and song choice)

Predictions
Sayonara, Kady Malloy and Kristy Lee Cook.

Top 16: Boys Recap

Okay, so I had this recap just about ready to go last night and then The Lovely Jess called and we BS'd for a couple of hours and by the time I got off the phone, I was too tired to check for typos and being the responsible journalist (HA HA HA HA) that I am, I decided to hold off publishing until my first cup of coffee kicked in this morning. Translation: I didn't feel like doing it last night.

So, a lot of this is retread from what Jess said because we share a brain and rarely have differing thoughts... except for that whole enjoying cock thing she's got going on. That's where we diverge.

Anyhoo, here's my recap which I will admit is rather bare because I had one eye on CNN watching the primary results. Such suspense and intrigue!

Luke Menard
Performed: "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" by Wham
Riddle me this: Why is Danny Noriega Vote for the Worst's pick? Why not Luke? I mean, I don't want Luke getting any more votes but he sucks way more ass than Danny. [Insert your own Danny sucks dick joke(s) here.]

Seriously, his voice will soon supplant Mary Hart's as a leading cause of seizures. In the interest of public health, please send him home now.

Verdict: Sucked big hairy dick.

David Archuleta
Performed: "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins
I hate this song. It reminds of when I had to work in the gift department at Drug Fair back in high school. Store management decided that soft rock would encourage shoppers to buy more Precious Moments figurines and this song came on ALL.THE.TIME. It drove me mad, I tell you. MAD. It was enough to make a bitch start throwing Hummels.

But this is about David, isn't it? Um, I agree with Randy... it didn't showcase his "vocal prowness."

Verdict: Sucked somewhat. And Randy needs to get a dictionary, dawg.

Danny Noriega
Performed: "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell
Danny, please don't make take back what I said about Luke being the ideal Vote for the Worst candidate.

Verdict: Sucked slightly less hairy dick than Luke's vocal hummer.

David Hernandez
Performed: "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Pandora's Box
Shocking. Danny didn't mention his being outed as a gay stripper as his most embarrassing moment. Well get mah smellin' salts. By the by, we posted that shit a couple of weeks ago. We scooped everyone. Worship us. Now.

Verdict: I'm excusing myself because I have an uncanny ability to automatically tune out songs covered by Celine Dion and/or Meatloaf (with the exception of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" for the latter). Seriously, other than the first few bars, nothing else registered. I have enough mental clutter without that chest-thumping Canuck and that hankie-toting grease ball taking up valuable space.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Don't You Forget about Me" by Simple Minds
Paula praised Michael's unique performance style, paying special attention to the way he holds the mic and hops around the stage. Funny, these are the very same things that irritated the shit out of me. It's reassuring to know that Paula and I are not on the same page.

Verdict: Didn't suck.

David Cook
Performed: "Hello" by Lionel Richie
Oh man. I wanted to hate that... but I didn't. But I still hate the hair and that face he makes when he's singing. He tilts his head back and shows us his nostrils. It's like he's saying, "Hey America, do I have a booger hanging from my nose?" Too bad David Hernandez didn't do that prior to his photo shoot.

Verdict: Didn't suck, but, speaking of David Hernandez's snot, if that dude ever uses the words "crusty" and "booger" in the same sentence again, I'll strangle him with his stripper G-string. Nasty.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen
I loved it. He's so adorable. Melissa McGee and The Lovely Jess can keep Michael Johns. I'll switch teams for Jason. And I think Simon will too based on his effusive praise.

Verdict: I loved it, duh.

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro (aka Chikezie)
Performed: "She Fills Me Up" by Luther Vandross
See my earlier comment about Celine and Meatloaf.

Verdict: Sucked.

Predictions
Luke Menard and... hmm... Fat Alfonso Ribeiro are going home. Oh, and Paula will be hungover today.

Top 24: Girls Quasi-Recap

Dude, I totally fell asleep during the show last night. Knocked out cold. Could it be, oh I don't know, all the lullabies those broads were singing? This lineup is more effective than any Ambien, let me tell you.

And away we go (partially)...

Kristy Lee Cook
That was pretty bad but the poor girl looked like she was hit by a truck. Still, I don't think the flu sympathy vote will be enough to save her. Sorry, Kristy, but you'll soon be singing "Amazing Grace" -- sans horse -- elsewhere.

Joanne Borgella
Hudson County represent! My girl's from Hoboken, a can of Aqua Net's-throw from where I grew up. I think she has a great voice. Not that you could tell from her song choice last night. Not good, Joanne.

And I'm with Jess, Papa Borgella had a murderous look in his eyes when Simon ripped his daughter to shreds. I'm usually on board with the Cowell but he was a right douche to her last night.

Alaina Whitaker
Good, I guess. This is when the eyelids started to get a bit droopy.

Amanda Overmyer
I didn't hate this as much as Jess did but that's not to say I liked it either. Amanda scares me and as such, I'm afraid she'll run me down on her chopper if I'm too harsh. So I'm just going to leave it at that.

Amy Davis
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.

Brooke White
The thing that struck me most about this was Paula telling Brooke how original she was... after she sang the very same song David Cook sang the night before. I don't know. I was downright punchy at this point of the program and that thought seemed really, "Whooooooooooooooooa!" and all profound last night. Fifteen hours later? Not so much.

Alexandrea Lushington
It didn't suck. Also, I hope Alexandrea doesn't have a drinking problem with that last name of hers. Far.too.easy.

Kady Malloy
Like Jess, I loathe this song. Mostly, it brings back memories of high school dances when the DJ would bring my fun to a grinding halt by trotting out the Phil Collins version of this song. All the sappy couples would get up to slow dance and I, and my unfortunate mullet, would sit off on the side scowling and feeling all persecuted.

But I digress. I like Kady. I think she's funny. Last night, however, I think she tried to shoehorn herself into a format that she mistakenly thought the judges would like. If given another shot, I believe she'll come out swinging much to everyone's surprise and delight.

Asia'h Epperson
And this, my friends, is where I was full-on snoring. No offense to Asia'h. I'm a fan of hers. It's her predecessors that primed me for a full-on coma though. So, blame them for this half-assed recap.

Predictions: Kristy Lee Cook and Amy Davis are gonzo.

Top 24: Boys Recap

Oy. Tonight's show was not exactly the most promising way to kick off this next phase of the competition. Hopefully now that the first show is out of the way, the kids will stop soiling themselves long enough to scrape together a respectable effort. Let's see how they did, shall we?

David Hernandez
Performed: "In the Midnight Hour" by Wilson Pickett

The song was fine but, truthfully, I was totally distracted by how much David's... father, I guess? looks like Phil Margera. Uncanny. I wonder if David wakes him up in the middle of the night and kicks the shit out of him. Yeah, probably not.

Chikeze
Performed: "More Today Than Yesterday" by The Spiral Starecase

Wow, that was rough. It started out really low and just never got better. Yet, Randy and Paula fawned all over it. I felt redeemed when Simon criticized the song and then quickly incensed when Chikeze got super cheeky and eye-rolly. I was trying not to go there but after that hissy fit?! Well, that behavior, my friends, just earned Chikeze a new nickname from me on this blog: Fat Alfonso Ribeiro. Please make note.

David Cook
Performed: "So Happy Together" by The Turtles

Dear David,
You simply cannot rock a mic stand when you have three backup singers behind you cheerfully chirping "Bah bah bah bah bah bah!" Douche.

Sincerely,
Curly

P.S. Tell Randy that if ever compares you to Alice in Chains again, I'll twirl that mic stand right up his ass. Sideways. Thanks!

Jason Yeager
Performed: "Moon River" by Andy Williams

A quick reenactment of my reaction to this song:
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. OMG, is his son wearing a wig? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Robbie Carrico
Performed: "One" by Three Dog Night

Well, that blew. Seriously. I don't get the praise heaped on him by all three judges. He may very well be this year's Constantine for me. I hated that fucker from the get-go and my stance did not soften. Robbie and his dramatic finger pointing and gesturing bullshit are headed in the same direction.

David Archuleta
Performed: "Shop Around" by The Miracles

Careful, David... you're quickly venturing into creepy Bindi Irwin territory. I used to think she was cute and now? Well, frankly, I want to kick her in the face. If you don't dial it down a bit, you too will be eating my kicks tout de suite.

Danny Noriega
Performed: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis

Question: Should a skinny, slight gay boy like Danny REALLY be singing about prison?

Luke Menard
Performed: "Everybody's Talking at Me" by Harry Nilsson

Pack your hoodie and go, Luke. You bore me. And the rest of America too, I'm guessing.

Colton Berry
Performed: "Suspicious Minds" by Elvis

For some reason, I want to like Colton. I guess I feel bad that his achievement was sort of overshadowed last week by Simon's loving ode to the just-ousted Kyle. Colon got a luke-warm congratulations and then the rest of the time was spent fawning of Arvid Engen's younger brother.

Colton, do me a solid here and stop, you know, sucking. It will make things easier on the both of us.

Garrett Haley
Performed: "Breaking up Is Hard to Do" by Neil Sedaka

Do you know what's even harder, Garrett? Keeping my eyes open during your song.

Jason Castro
Performed: "Daydream" by The Lovin' Spoonful

He's so pretty. I think I found my boyfriend for the season.

Michael Johns
Performed: "Light My Fire" by The Doors

Things got a little screamy as the song progressed but it didn't blow, I guess. Can you tell I'm running out of things to say?

Predictions: Buh-bye, Luke Menard and Jason Yeager.

Top 24: Faces with the Similar-Sounding Names

Are you like me? You can't tell the Kadys from the Kristys up in this Top 24 bitch? Or maybe you're all on the ball and it's just my early onset senility that's preventing me from remembering shit. Whatever.

I'm a visual thinker so to aid my ailing memory in addition to showing off my Photoshop trickery, I've constructed a tres Brady Bunch-like grid of the Top 24. As each person is given the boot, I'll update the grid accordingly. I won't do any of that grayed- or X'd-out bullshit. That's played. Perhaps as each contestant is given his/her walking papers, I will deface their respective photos. Blackened teeth, devil horns, goatees, hairy moles, the works. Sound good? No? Have a better idea, asshole? If so, pony up. I'm all ears.

Here's the ragtag group sans graffiti and crushed dreams. I know it's small and hard to read but the width of this column is rather unforgiving. Just click on it, Whiny Whinerson, and your problems will be solved.

Click to enlarge

When I get around to it, this bad boy will be easily accessible from the sidebar. Enjoy!

Season Seven's Top 24 Revealed

Praise Jesus, we're finally done with all that audition and Hollywood Week bullshit! And now, onto the next phase -- The Top 24 aka The Part of the Season I Kinda Hate Most Because It's Spread out over 3 Nights and Requires Me to Take Notes on 24 Different People, a Task Which Doesn't Sit Well with My Lazy Ass.

Here's who Paula, Randy and Simon deemed worthy...

Men:
David Archuleta, 17, Murray, Utah
Colton Berry, 18, Staunton, Va.
Robbie Carrico, 26, Melbourne, Fla.
Jason Castro, 20, Rockwall, Texas
David Cook, 25, Tulsa, Okla.
Chikezie Eze, 22, Inglewood, Calif.
Garrett Haley, 17, Elida, Ohio
David Hernandez, 24, Glendale, Ariz.
Luke Menard, 29, Crawfordsville, Ind.
Danny Noriega, 18, Azusa, Calif.
Jason Yeager, 28, Branson, Mo.
Michael Johns, 29, Los Angeles by way of Australia

Women:
Amanda Overmyer, 23, Mulberry, Ind.
Brooke White, 24, Van Nuys, Calif.
Joanne Borgella, 25, Hoboken, N.J.
Kristy Lee Cook, 24, Selma, Ore.
Amy Davis, 25, Cedar Lake, Ind.
Asia'h Epperson, 19, Joplin, Mo.
Alexandrea Lushington, 17, Douglasville, Ga.
Kady Malloy, 18, Houston
Ramiele Malubay, 20, Miramar, Fla.
Syesha Mercado, 21, Miami
Alaina Whitaker, 16, Tulsa, Okla.
Carly Smithson, San Diego by way of Dublin, Ireland

I think I speak on behalf of all the contributors here at American Midol when I point my finger at crybaby Josiah Leming and do a haughty "HA! HA!" followed up with a crude cupping gesture on my non-existent junk to signify that Josiah can and should suck my dick.

Recap: Audition Recap

Whoa, I just blew my mind.

Okay, I totally fell asleep while watching the show last night so this will be spotty.

I remember a puppy. And I remember wanting to eat it, it was so cute. I remember the blond chick who owned it. I also remember wanting to kick the Douchebag Doublemint Twins accompanying her in the balls. If the owner of the puppy had balls, I would have kicked her in them. Sadly, anatomy prevents me from properly dishing out poetic justice. Well, I suppose I could kick her in the vagina. Yes, it's official: I want to kick her in the cooch. And then steal her puppy.

Then there was the broad with the self-proclaimed God-given talent. And here I thought the Voice of God was Walter Kronkite. I stand corrected.

Breaking News: Church attendance declines; atheism on the rise. Former parishioners cite "yelly voice of God" as reason for their loss of faith.

Um, what else... I also vaguely recall a semi-hot chick who sang "Blue Bayou" and had a sob story about her s