The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram: Week 7

This week American Midol has determined that Paula's Level o' Crazy is 1.8 (out of a possible 10). For closer inspection and to preserve your eyesight, please click on the graph to enlarge:

Click to enlarge

Analysis: Paula's low Level o' Crazy probably has less to do with her getting her shit together and more to do with the level o' suck of most of this year's crop of hopefuls. Lakisha Jones and Melinda Doolittle have each made an impression so look to their performances in the weeks to come to spark tear-filled testimonials and spastic seal claps from Paula. She'll positively lose her shit if/when either of them land in the Bottom Three. Ditto for Brandon Rogers because he is this season's Designated Camera Fucker (DCM) and Paula seems contractually obligated to champion these types (i.e. Constantine Maroulis, Corey Clark and Justin Guarini).

Notes: This new-found clarity of Paula's is making for a pretty stagnant data line so to spice things up, we've added additional info: American Midol's Cranky Quotient (the red line). Each time Paula acts normal, our level of annoyance spikes. When she's a certified loon, we are in our giddy glory, as evidenced in the divergent lines above.

Also, we've decided to tweak the Paula Abdul Insanity Index graphic. When Paula's in the normal range (1-3), we'll show you a lucid, smiling Paula. As she enters the middle region (3-6), the graphic will change to depict her evolving state. When she's in the certifiable zone (7-10), we'll return to the sobbing Paula face which adequately displays her hysteria.

Until next time, think downward spiral!

That's Just Crazytalk, Paula!

The thing that's so awesome about Paula Abdul is that, when she opens her mouth, words come out but they don't really work in sentence form. Like, I bet if I called her, she'd say, "Pumpkin unicorn hatchet?" instead of "Hello?" when she answered the phone. And oh, how we'd laugh and laugh! Only I'd be laughing at her, and she'd be laughing at that joke her goldfish told her about the rabbit who got a vasectomy last week.

Anyway, TMZ has a story today about how Paula feels that she would have gotten fired after the whole Corey Clark scandal had Simon Cowell not jumped in to save the day. Here's the part I just love:

"He was extremely distraught and protective and supportive of me when that happened," says Abdul. "There's the times when he's like a big brother – or a lover."

She says that like "brother" and "lover" are interchangeable. Which is it, Paula? You can read the rest here.