Seattle: A Partial Recap

I slacked last night, boys and girls. I can't even lie. I got home later than expected and didn't finish watching "American Idol." I did catch the beginning and I even scribbled a few thoughts on a legal pad. I'll give the episode the proper treatment later but for now, here are a few of the notes I took:

Jennifer "The Hotness" Chapton: Looks like Sy Snootles, the lead singer of The Max Rebo Band. Um, for you non-nerds, that would be the group that sings in Jabba's palace in "Return of the Jedi." Oh, shut up. You know you loved that movie, Ewoks and all.

Amy Salgado: The chick who needed water and complained "I have a really dry throat." Simon's reply: "Amy, you could like down in a bath with your mouth open and you still couldn't sing." Quite possibly his best comeback ever.

Darwin "Misha" Reedy: "Daria" meets "Working Girl." Dry, lifeless tone coupled with white sneakers and black tights. Did she commute to her audition? Her mother is dressed like The Church Lady. Or that weird chick with the bun played by Ruth Buzzy on "Laugh In."

Thomas "Tommy" Daniels: Looks like the first Lionel from "The Jeffersons."

Melissa Stavros: Hippo.

That's as far as I got, folks. More to come later. Promise. Mean it.

Photo: Galactic News

More Thoughts on the Season Premiere

The Lovely Jess was good enough to record our quips and color commentary during last night's season premiere. Now that I've had some time to chew on the scenes that unfolded before our horrified eyes last night, I would like to contribute a few more items:

1) In retrospect, it wasn't all that funny to watch Jason Anderson, a pimply 16-year-old boy, have an emotional breakdown after his audition went sour. And by "went sour," I mean sucked ass from the get-go.

I blame his family and friends though, not the judges. This is what happens when a whipped parent blows smoke up a child's ass -- the kid is reduced to tears before millions of people and will probably receive a daily wedgie from classmates from now until he graduates. Unless, of course, he cracks under the pressure of the relentless taunts and ridicule and drops out of school and ends up turning tricks and huffing spray paint in a dumpster behind the Mall of America.

What's even more tragic is that we, the audience, were assaulted with this "triple threat" of screeching, clod-hopping and Devil Stick... er, juggling? Sticking? I don't know even know what to properly call that shit. Why did he even bring them? Last I checked, this was an "American Idol" audition, not the parking lot at a Phish show. Speaking of which, mmm... nitrous.

2) You can pretty much rescue the most painful of insults by attaching a "sweetheart" or a "darling" to the end of it. Simon Cowell excels at this. "You were absolutely dreadful and have not a stitch of talent. Now off you go, sweetheart." See, it starts out cold and harsh but softens ever-so-slightly when that term of an endearment is tacked on at the end. It's sort of brilliant. The next time I call someone's mama a fat whore, I'll be sure to use this tactic.

3) Josh Flom is yet another misguided "rocker" who fancies himself the next Chris Daughtry and has mistaken phlegm-clearing for singing. Initially, I did not enjoy his audition, but dear Lord, my anticipation of his singing an ABBA song was quite possibly the best part of the whole show. While I waited patiently for him to select and subsequently butcher a beloved pop confection, I took it upon myself to apply his singing style to a medley of every ABBA song I know. FYI, "Fernando" and "Winner Takes It All" were the funniest of the sad lot. Well, to me, at least. Jess, Sheila and Mejack might not agree.

4) Paula, while clearly strung out on something, was rather subdued last night. With the exception of a few erratic arm-waving and swatting gestures, she held it together. Maybe Jewel had a calming effect on her. I know from personal experience that if you sit me down with a Jewel song or, perish the thought, some of her poetry, I'll be sawing logs in no time. Jewel's not a singer, she's a sedative. For Paula's sake, they should become BFFs. But for my sake, and the sake of this blog, they most definitely should not. Paula's spaz-outs are the leading source of most of our material. Speaking of which, we'll be launching a new Paula feature this week. And it's a good one! Details to come.

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Premiere: The Sort-of Recap

Sheila, Mejack and Curly came over last night to drink wine, eat pizza, hummus, pita chips and girl scout cookies, and howl with laughter at the bad contestants. I took notes. Here they are. And is it me, or are the "good" singers so far not all that good?

Mejack on Jessica Rhode (Jewel wannabe, disturbing skirt): She sounds like Pee-Wee Herman.

Jessica Rhode on Jessica Rhode (after being told she would most definitely NOT be going to Hollywood): I'm like waiting for them to come out here and be like 'psyche!'

Jess and Sheila, respectively, on Jesse Holloway (black dude, mumbler):

DisTAAANCE?

It's abusive!

Mejack on Charles Moody: If that doesn't say methamphetamine, I don't know what does. He's a gay, Uncle Sam tweaker.

Sheila on Tashawn Moore (when she "tuned in" to the imaginary sound coming through her imaginary headphones): Sweetie, there's no other sound in the room.

Mejack and Curly, respectively, on Perla Meneses:

Randy, your dick's talking.

She's like Shakira and Charo's love child.

Sheila on Jarrod Fowler (Navy Guy): Hun, I think you're hot and I want your cock, is what's happening.

Sheila and Mejack, respectively, on Michelle Steingas:

I like her.

I don't like her belt.

Mejack on Dayna Dooley (black chick whose boss wants to bang her): Randy's got a boner.

Curly and Sheila, respectively on Matt Sato (little gay boy with unfortunate mole who sang "California Dreamin"):

Uh oh, what's on your nose?

DON'T sex this song up.

Me? I'm not funny so I just take notes. Actually no, I have one:

Jess on Josh Flom (Chris Daughtry wannabe): You're not a rocker, you're a PUSSY.

We counted three "dawgs" from Randy. I guess he's trying to exercise a little restraint this season. Simon? Awesome. Paula? Drunk. Jewel? Wait, Jewel was there? I didn't notice. Also, TVgasm has a full recap. YouTube is letting me down in a big way, though. I want video of the juggler real bad.

UPDATE: Death by Camera has something truly awesome. The rejects' MySpace profiles. Of course, I don't know what Mejack is going to do with her afternoon now, but still. Amazing. Via Gawker.

Newsbreak

In case you didn't know, American Idol 6 starts tomorrow. Are you ready? We're having ourselves a little premiere party. I'd invite y'all, but my apartment is really tiny. Anyway, hopefully this will tide you over until tomorrow:

MSNBC takes an "interactive" look at the American Idol numbers. It's not terribly interactive. They also have a "blog this" option, which I initially got excited for, until I realized that you have to be on MSN spaces in order to use it. Two strikes, MSNBC. Count 'em. (MSNBC)

ABC is a bunch of pussies afraid to put Dancing with the Stars up against Idol. (EARTHtimes.org: Yeah, I don't know either.)

Paula Abdul does NOT drink. Ever. It must be all the Vicodin, then. (FOX6 San Diego)

Set the DVR! (Fuck TiVo) Katharine McPhee will play herself on Ugly Betty on February 1st. Mejack and Mr. Mejack will be watching, no doubt. (RTE)

The bad singers who audition are not Randy Jackson's dawgs. (OC Register)

A Poem

My husband wrote this for us:

Just as I was begining to recover,
Another Idol marathon begins anew.
Hoping it won't be so sad to discover,
this year I still have nothing better to do.

I lay awake scared, of new stupid Picklers,
of retarded Yamins, of Soul Patrol Hicks,
of Paris & 9 yr old teddy bear ticklers,
of guys named Ace & their love of their dicks,

Of Katharine McPhees and her shit eating grin,
plastered up everywhere like we somehow cared
what skin cream she wore. So please if you win,
please, please don't tell us, we know how you fared.

And please don't sell yourself out for every magizine stunt,
or dive for every nickel, like that awful, awful Katharine McCunt.

Curly has nominated him as Poet Laureate of American Midol. I second.

All the News That's Fit to Pinch

I know you've been foaming at the mouth and battling the shakes for your next "Idol" news fix so suffer no longer, my fellow fiends. Here's the latest:

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes! Twists and turns are afoot! According to an executive producer of our beloved program, we can look forward to "a big-event show, sometime in the middle of the season, something that will blow America away." Hmm... Anyone want to take a stab at what the surprise could possibly be? My guess is that Randy ventures beyond his usual five-word vocabulary. (MSNBC)

Fear not, all you non-techie types and poor slobs prone to the occasional TiVo/DVR programming mishap! Episodes of Season 6 will be available online immediately after the broadcast. That's a huge relief for me because I'm going to have a dickens of a time explaining the tantrum-induced crack in my cable box to my cable provider. It didn't record a results show last season and well, it had to pay. But between you, me and the lamppost, I'm telling them that's the condition it arrived in. You dig? (The Daily Reel)

In other news, "Idol" producers have finally figured out what we've known all along -- the song selections for finalists suck copious amounts of ass. So, in an effort to find something a little less shitty for the top two to warble, producers are reportedly adding a songwriting contest this season. Oh good! Now we'll have a name and face to put with the usual scorn and insults. Potential applicants: Make sure your contact info is not a matter of public record because we WILL track you down and ridicule you mercilessly, if need be. (Reality TV World)

Have you just been dying to know what John Stevens, the carrot-topped crooner from Season 3 has been up to these days? Yeah, me neither. But you can get yourself up to speed on the likes of Frenchie Davis, Kimberly Caldwell, Jim Verraros and that perky wee Diana DeGarmo thanks to the crack investigative team over at Entertainment Weekly.

Oh and as of this posting, it is 7 days, 4 hours, 38 minutes and 4 seconds to the Season 6 premiere. Not that I'm obsessed or anything...

An Announcement

(Spoken in my best Kellie Pickler voice)

Hey y'all! We done gone ahead and moved this here blog over to our very own domain. That's right! From now on, y'all can get yer 'Idol' fix by typing this here address into that... um... what d'ya call that thing up top? The bar where you put the addresses in? Huh. Color me stumped. Anyway, it's americanmidolblog.com. So if the two of y'all who have us bookmarked could update those... um... LINKS! Links, ha ha, y'all, I totally could not remember that word. Anyway, do that, if you'd be so inclined. Also, send any tips, hot gossip or hate mail to us at mail@americanmidolblog.com. Thank ya kindly!

News You Probably Can't Use

Not necessarily the news, but really, is there anything funnier than a Paula Abdul fug? Okay, a Britney fug, but Paula is a close second. (Go Fug Yourself)

Bucky Covington, also known in some circles as My Boyfriend, signs a deal with Lyric Street Records. Album comes out April 17, two days after my birthday. Totally planned. Thanks Bucky! Also, a sort-of-but-really interview with the man himself. His first single, "A Different World," will hit the country airwaves January 16th. ('American Idol' official site)

The 'American Idol' karaoke video game! 'Nuff said. (USA Today)

Ruben Studdard wants Alabama residents to quit being a bunch of fatasses. (The Birmingham News)

Review: Taylor Hicks' debut Taylor Hicks not all that and a bag of chips. Is anyone surprised? You know, besides the millions of retards who voted for him week after week? (Rocky Mountain News)

The Cure

No, I'm not talking about my all-time favorite band. I'm talking about hiccups. Specifically, those belonging to Kellie Pickler.


Says The Tennessean:

Kellie Pickler Loses Hockey Brawl

Country newcomer Kellie Pickler has discovered there's one competition more brutal than American Idol: pro hockey. After singing to Clemson and Kentucky fans at Legends on Friday, she attended her first hockey game Saturday and afterward joined Predators Jordin Tootoo and Scottie Upshall at the Tin Roof.

Told to do a handstand to cure her hiccups, she kicked up her red high heels over her head. A pretend hockey fight broke out and Kellie, 20, ended up at the bottom of the pile. The melee left a knot on her forehead that remains. At least she still has all of her teeth.

Google tells me that doing a handstand is, in fact, a cure for hiccups. But honestly, doesn't that seem like a lot of work when they'll probably just go away on their own? And I bet the conversation went like this:

Kellie: Y'all, I have hiccups!

My Hero: Do a handstand!

Kellie: All right!

My Hero (to friend): Dude, we're at a hockey game. I didn't think she'd really do it.

My Hero's Friend (shaking head): What a dumbass. Ouch! That's gotta hurt.

I go back and forth on whether or not I think Kellie Pickler is a genuine idiot, or an idiot solely for entertainment's sake. In this case, I'm going to go with the former.

Some other Idol-related news: Mandisa writing a book about food addiction. Read about it here.

Also, 13 Days! See the shiny new graphic that Curly made? It's over there -->

I Didn't Wait a Lifetime for a Moment Like This

I'm a little late to the game on the relatively new music the 'Idol' kids are putting out. Luckily, AOL Music has all sorts of tracks to listen to from Chris Daughtry and Katharine McPhee today. Here's what I think of them. Then, if you're as behind as I am, you can listen and decide for yourself.

Daughtry. I actually don't hate "Home," the first song. I do, however, think it sounds like every single power balled written between 1986 and 1992. But I was a fan of the power ballads. Hell, I even made a mix tape of them that I played Every. Single. Time. my high school boyfriend and I made out. I'm sure he loved that. The second song, which is his first single, "It's Not Over," bored me to tears. And then I had to stop listening. Chris Daughtry is pretty. I shouldn't find him so boring. I love little bald dudes. There's just, I don't know, something missing. Charisma? Personality? A chromosome? Hell if I know.

Now, onto McPhee. Now, I don't love her the way Curly does, and I don't hate her the way Mejack does. I'm more indifferent than anything else, although I think she has very pretty hair and I would kill to have her makeup person go at my face. I'm not really digging "Over It," which is the first single. It's a little… watered-down I guess is how I would describe it. I most definitely do not want to start shaking my ass at my desk at work. And that's a bad sign, because if you know me, you know I love to shake my ass at my desk at work. Ditto on "Each Other," and that's enough listening to crap for me this afternoon.

If I'm forcing myself to say something nice, I'll say this. Both of those songs could kick the ass of "A Moment Like This," and look at Kelly Clarkson now. Anything can happen.

Watch Chris Daughtry

Listen to Katharine McPhee

What do you think? Also, 14 Days!

Hell Hath No Fury...

... Like Kelly Ripa scorned. Uh, by Clay Aiken.

Now there's a sentence fragment I never thought I'd type...

Update: Rosie O'Donnell is in on the act! The loquacious lesbo seems to think Ripa's cheeky reaction to Clay's antics was "homophobic."

Oh, Rosie. The last I checked, we homos were not above bitchy behavior. And guess what, sunshine? Some of us are rude with repellent manners. Granted, we pull it all off with a bit more humor and flair than some of our straight counterparts but just the same, we are not above reproach. Bad manners are not exclusive to the straight set. If nowhere else, we're at least equals in douchebaggery as well as the occasional bit of dumb-fuckitude. Deal with it.

My point, Rosie, and I do have one, is that calling us out on such things is fair, not inflammatory. Stop crying wolf, you stupid beaver. Now why don't you waddle off and go decoupage something? How's about you start with your mouth?

"Never Play [with a Guy's] Ball[s] in the House"

Clay Aiken recently spoke to "People" about them there pesky rumors that he's a big ol' mo':

"What do you say (to that question)? ... It's like when I was 8. I remember something would get broken in the house, and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?' Well, it didn't matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was yes. ... People are going to believe what they want."

Um, is it me or did he just try to dispel the rumor by using a plot from The Brady Bunch?

Oh, Clay. If you're trying to distance yourself from the gays, I don't suggest you align yourself with the likes of a man named Brady. He was, after all, busy with three boys of his own. Um, helloooo?!?!

Or, perish the thought, Alice! Don't you believe the Sam the Butcher hype! He was a porkchop-slinging beard, for fuck's sake! And look at those sensible shoes she wore day in and day out!

Now, because I'm a nice person, Clay Aiken, I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of other sitcoms you might want to avoid borrowing storylines from in the quest to clear your name:

• "Happy Days"
  Fonzie's womanizing was a classic case of overcompensation. In other words, Fonzie was a total fag.



• "Saved by the Bell"
  Elizabeth Berkeley was in "Showgirls" and Mario Lopez played Greg Louganis in a made-for-TV movie. Gay. Gay. Gay.



• "I Love Lucy"
  I don't have official confirmation on this but I think Ethel sought solace in the loving arms of Lucy more than once. Wouldn't you if you were married to Fred Mertz?



• "Cheers"
  I have some questions about the Norm/Cliff dynamic, plus there's the Frasier Crane factor.



• "The Golden Girls"
  Duh.



• "Designing Women"
  Again, duh.



• "It's a Living"
  Ann Jillian just screams "fag hag" to me. I suggest you steer clear.

This is not an exhaustive list, Clay. Naturally, I'll keep you posted if any others spring to mind. Cheers.

Photo: Matthew Rolston/"People"

It Makes Me Proud...

... To announce that Taylor "The Tard" Hicks made AOL Music's list of 111 Wussiest Songs of All Time.

Dude, when a brand like America Online dubs you a pussy, it's seriously time to go into hiding. I'm sure most of the members of the Soul Patrol are survival nuts with well-stocked bomb shelters. They'll totally hook you up. Now git!

McKlutz, Anyone?

Um, did Katharine McPhee walk under a ladder recently? Cross a black cat, perhaps? Whistle backstage in the Kodak Theater? Between laryngitis, cancelled flights and broken feet, girlfriend is smack dab in the midst of a bad luck spell. I blame The Creepy Older Boyfriend.

KMcPhee, call me. I'll nurse you back to good health... and better luck. Seriously, ditch that decrepit old dude. For your sake... and mine.

Elliott's Such a Good Boy

Just when I thought Elliott Yamin couldn't be any more likable, this story comes along. It's official: I'm in love with Elliott.

Hey Hey, Ho Ho. That Kellie Pickler's GOT TO GO

As y'all probably know, 'The View' has been rotating in co-hosts since the departure of Star "The Ultimate Beast" Jones. Some of them are rumored to be auditions, as in the case of Brandy. Some, as in the former Brenda Walsh, not so much. Yesterday, that co-host was Kellie Pickler. Let's hope hers wasn't an audition. I didn't watch it, and You Tube is letting me down in a big way so I have no clips for you. Rosie O'Donnell, apparently, loves the Pickler. In fact, she even wrote a poem about it:

THAT KID
TODAY ON THE VIEW
PERFECTION!!!
TRIPLE LOVE HER

Via r blog.

And just for shits and giggles, there's the Pickler in her prom dress. Whore.

'Idol' Personality Report Card

I recently received an email containing pictures of some kids posing with the "American Idol" contestants at a post-performance meet-and-greet. Because of my superior journalistic instincts (read: I'm a nosy bitch), I followed up with the inevitable question: Are any of the Idols assholes? The answer I received was tres enlightening.

Naturally, I'm going to share my findings with you. I've even gone so far as to work the results into the well-worn report card format. Some of the grades I've doled out may surprise you.

Taylor Hicks: F
"Such a jerk. When asked for an autograph, he took the autograph book, turned his back on the kids, signed the book all while talking to some nearby women. He handed it back and that was it. When asked for a picture he agreed but he didn't even look at the kids."

Paris Bennett: D-
"Also standoffish."

Kellie Pickler: A
"Same as she appears on TV. We spoke with her for quite a while."

Chris Daughtry: A+
"So cute and nice. He told my daughter he loved her hair and when we saw him again about an hour later, he remembered her name. He remarked how cute she was and that he 'couldn't get over it.' He hugged her and we took another picture."

Ace Young: A
"So cute."

Bucky Covington: A
"A sweetheart."

Elliott Yamin: A
"Also cute and asked the kids how old they were and if they enjoyed the show."

Mandisa and Lisa Tucker: C
"OK but nothing great."

Katharine McPhee: Incomplete
Due to laryngitis, McPhee is sitting out this leg of the tour. Hmmm... I hear excessive vomiting can really wreak havoc on the throat, teeth and vocal cords. Just a thought...


Photo: CBS News

MACE ACE IN THE FACE!!

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Ace was on the news for like 30 seconds and he still managed to completely piss me off.

Kevin Covais was playing "correspondent" for the local news and he was interviewing a few of the finalists. Bucky (*sigh*) was there and so was Paris and dumb Pickler. Whatever. Kevin went over to Ace and called him a babe-magnet and Ace the fucktard said:

"It's amazing. It's kind of like being in the Beatles. I leave the house not knowing if I am going to come home with all my clothes on."

Ace is like a Beatle. That's like me saying that my blog is like Tolstoy.

Jess, Curly -- stock up on tomatoes and stockpile any other thing that we can throw at the Lord of the Dumbasses. The self-proclaimed Ace The Face. AARRGGHH.

McPhee's Got the McPhlegm

My favorite "American Idol" runner-up ever, the lovely Katharine McPhee, is already cashing in her sick days just in time for the kick-off of the "Idol" tour.

Naturally I wish KMcPhee a speedy recovery... primarily because I have a ticket to see her shake her bountiful ass on July 16 at Nassau Coliseum.

Seriously, toots, you best rest up. I ain't paying 50 smackers and schlepping out to Long Island just so's Kellie Pickler can burst my ear drums and Taylor Hicks can send me into a fit of hysterical blindness courtesy of his on-stage convulsions. Sorry... dancing.

So, get to healing! Otherwise, I'll demand a refund AND a private show. Actually, even if you do perform on the 16th, Kat, I still want my own private show anyway. And by "private show," I mean that I want to bang you. Repeatedly. Just be sure to leave your scary boyfriend at home. After all, he's old and decrepit and certainly not ready for THIS jelly.

Photo: FOX

Apparently, Her Audition Blew Them Away

While "American Idol" may boast of the infamous auditions of William Hung, Crazy Dave Hoover and that hooker chick who kept cursing out Paula and showing us her snatch, I think this "Canadian Idol" hopeful takes top prize for most memorable audition ever.

Wow, not a single person on "American Idol" ever squeezed the cheese into a hot mic. Well done, oh flatulent neighbor to our north! Your country has outdone us again. First hockey, then my beloved hair schmutz and now this. Merci!

P.S. If any of you can chime in and let us know if the squeaky songstress made it through to the next round, we'd be most grateful.

Paris Bennett Is Famous

She has to be. She made it onto The Almighty Fug.

Good for you Paris Bennett.

McBinge or 'American Idol' Cures Eating Disorders

I suppose coming out with a deep, dark, tragic secret once the public has (for the most part) forgotten about you is NOT AT ALL a completely obvious way to get back in the spotlight.

Either that, or she is taking a stab at the Nicole Ritchie/Mary Kate Olsen method of gaining publicity...the only difference being their giant heads are literal while hers is only metaphorical.

You be the judge.

Siz-oulizzle Patrolizzle

Taylor Hicks and SNOOP-A-LOOP!

At Least It Beats Whoring for Lima Beans...

Move over Kathie Lee Gifford. Uh, wait... is Kathie Lee even still relevant enough to have to move over? Am I showing my age and/or laziness to think up a better example here? Oh, but that's not the point. My point is that the former "Live" cohost is no longer the quintessential cruise ship entertainer in the public's mind.

According to readers of "Time Out New York," Katharine McPhee is destined to be the one singing about the wonders of shuffle board, tacky dinner shows and forced merriment aboard what is, in essence, a giant, floating Petri dish. Legionnaire's, anyone?

Here are the rest of the results of this blasphemous poll:

Bust out the Ear Plugs

Because I'm always a day late and a dollar short, I totally forgot to warn, I mean, remind you that Taylor "The Tard" Hicks's single "Do I Make You Proud?" was released yesterday. A pox upon me. Clearly, I'll never get a job in Homeland Security.

Industry experts are expecting "brisk sales" of Hicks's first effort. What the experts didn't tell you is that emergency rooms nationwide are simultaneously bracing for an outbreak of bleeding ears.

A Quickie Concerning KMcPhee

Kat's Gone and Got Herself One of Them There Recording Contracts
Here's hoping Katharine McPhee's more like Clay Aiken and less like, I don't know... no, really, I don't know. Seriously, who remembers any other runner-ups? Oh wait, there was the long hair from last season. But besides a pot bust and an appearance on "The Late Late Show with the Scottish Lad," what's Bo Bice done? That's right -- bupkus.

And Oh.my.God, did I really just wish that the ever-so-stunning Kat were more like the SO NOT stunning Clay? Sorry. I haven't eaten dinner yet. I blame falling blood sugar. Yeah, that's it.

Don't You Wish Your Boyfriend Was Hot Like Me, KMcPhee?
Say... just a few days ago, Kat's Wikipedia entry spoke of a boyfriend named Nick. That bit of trivia is conspicuously absent now. I swear I had nothing to do with it. Bent Fabric? Kathryn? Was it either of you?! Fess up, now.

Speaking of Kathryn, Miss Thang was good enough to hook me up with some actual, you know, info to associate with this otherwise lame bit o' non-news. Turns out VH-1's "Best Week Ever" got their grubby hands on a photo of McPhee and the lucky bastard. Now is it just me, or is he a bit geriatric looking?

But I'm not jealous or anything...

Photo: FOX