Friday News Update

First, an announcement. I hereby promise to suck less when it comes to posting going forward. The truth is, I have an overwhelming amount of stuff currently overwhelming me. But I have this whole time management plan! And it's in Excel so you know it's serious! Anyway, here's your looooong news update, as I have a lot of stuff I haven't covered:

Jordin Loves America
Are you going to be a patriot (As in American, not as in the New England Patriots. Go Giants!) this Sunday and watch the Superbowl? If so, make sure you tune in for the national anthem. One of the few Idol contestants who has never been hated by even one of the ladies here at Midol, Jordin Sparks, will be belting it out. Plus, all of freaking Hollywood will be there.

More Superbowl News
Paula Abdul will also be performing her new song at the Superbowl, "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Paula ALWAYS dances like there's no tomorrow. Give it a listen, if you don't mind the fact that you'll never get those precious minutes back.

Britney's Ex the Next Bucky Covington
Okay, I haven't watched Miami yet, but apparently there was this guy named Robbie Carrico? And he's Bucky-esque? And he sang, "Simple Kind of Man," which makes him even more Bucky-esque? Apparently, Bucky 2.0 banged everyone's favorite trainwreck back in the day, one Miss Britney Spears. Okay, they say it was some sort of "relationship," but there was probably banging involved.

This Just In: Reality TV Not So Real
So remember Julie/Julia Dubela, from one post ago? She has a "bugaboo" with the show and its judges (she really said "bugaboo," people) -- mainly that the judges were mean and the segment was edited in a way that didn't 100% reflect what really happened. Like, maybe 98%. 97 if we're really being technical.
Also, because I found it so amusing yesterday, Julie/Julia Dubela's official site.

Clay Aiken: Asexual?
Why ABC News feels this is a story is beyond me, but I'm just here to do my job. Apparently, Clay Aiken says he has no sexual urges, has never had a relationship, and doesn't have the time or interest for one. Then they got some shrinks to talk about the difference between being "asexual" and "too tired for sex." To tell you the truth, this all saddens me a great deal. If he's not gay, and he's not straight, then the world is being deprived of sex with Clay Aiken, and that's the real tragedy, if you ask me.

Undiscovered? Yeah, Right
Vote for the Worst is keeping a running tally of what the Idol contenders did before auditioning. As it turns out, the whole "raw, undiscovered talent" aspect of the show is kind of bullshit, as many of the contestants have been in the industry for quite some time.

Top 24 Spoilers
So in real time, the Top 24 of season 7 have already been selected. Naturally, there are rumors flying around about who they are, exactly. Here's a maybe-final list:

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy (pictured)
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Melissa’s Wednesday Idol Recap - Charleston S.C.

I’ve managed to finish off last night’s brownies and I’m waiting with baited breath for the Idol auditions in Charleston, South Carolina to start. You could cut the tension with a knife! Well, not really. But I’ve been drinking. On with the “to the minute” recap.

7:02 - Oliver Hymen: Really? That’s really his name? His dad’s name is Buster.

7:03 – Raysharde. His awesome ‘fro was the best thing about him. Also, the first suggestion for “Raysharde” from my spell check was “Retarded”, which is even more awesome than his rockin’ ‘fro.

7:04 - DeAnna Prevatte: Frustrated waitress & potty mouth. I have no room to talk, but I’m not on national television trying to impress Simon Cowell. Sang Reba’s “Fancy” and it scared me so much a little pee came out. But again, I’ve been drinking.

7:12 - Crystal and Randy, the self-proclaimed Guru: What the shit? Besides the bizarre, horrific assault on the senses that was their dual audition, all their grody canoodling and public tongue hockey made me want to chunder. NEXT.

7:14 – The Lampkins, or “Crazy Tie Head” and his sister Michelle. Somehow, against everything that is good and right, they each got their golden tickets to Hollywood. Michelle’s ticket was tentative, contingent on her brother making her learn how to have talent. Does anyone else besides me smell a Malakar disaster with the Lampkins? Cause it reeks.

7:27 – “Amy Catherine. AC. Whatevs.” I didn’t catch her last name because I was trying to count the number of times she said the word “like” in her aimless rant on abstinence. I recently debuted a fart that had more musical talent than her. I’m writing this before I’ve heard the judges’ verdict and if they pass her on to Hollywood I’m going to punch myself in the head repeatedly.

7:30 – Commenced with the head punching during the commercial break, but not before the teaser about the contestant named Aretha, and her ginormous titties that ate Charleston.

7:34 – the third “Oliver Hymen” reference. It cracks me up every time.

SNARKY RANT ALERT ** SNARKY RANT ALERT **

7:34 – London Weidberg: Pretty and skinny and Simon loved her from the moment she walked in the door. Sang well, but was annoyingly breathy and dramatic. Then Simon said exactly what I was thinking while I was listening to her: “There are thousands of girls like you all over the country.” Every time I hear a vaguely reasonable female audition I think precisely the same thing. It was pretty good, but there was nothing unique about it whatsoever. Where the hell are the unique female vocalists? We need some rocker chicks, damn it! A chick with some balls. I don’t remember any from the previous auditions this season, and although “rocker chicks” have been the complete and total suck in seasons past, I still think we need one or two. I’m sick to death of female vocalists (and I use the term “vocalists” loosely) who pattern their vocal style after Mariah Carey (gag) or Christina Aguilera (vom). Doesn’t anybody get turned on by Chrissie Hynde anymore?

7:43 – Lindsey Goodman: The Air Force C-17 Pilot and cute as a doodlebug. Sang “Black Velvet”, always an audition killer in my opinion. She was stiff and wooden in her audition, but I think the real reason they didn’t send her to Hollywood is because Randy and Simon were overcome with intimidation and C-17 envy.

7:46 – Aretha Codner: Holy Mammary Glands, Batman! I thought she sang a hell of a lot better than Simon thought she did; told her she sounded terrible and said she “murdered the song”. And of course his sheep, Randy & Paula followed suit. Baaaaaaa. Sure, she changed pitch once or twice, but she actually sounds like she has a trainable voice and I think they’re all passing on her for the wrong reasons. Must have been distracted by her HUGE TITTIES. If it makes you feel any better Aretha, I thought you sounded pretty good. And that you should wear a support bra.

7:50 - Joshua Boson: I can’t even comment about his voice because it was such a bad caricature. But I WILL comment on the fact that he said “This show is fake and rigged!” and it pushed Simon’s fake-and-rigged button. Well Joshua, maybe it is fake and rigged, but you’re still a no-singin’ tool. That part is real.

7:57 – anonymous blond chapeau’d idiot: “Randy called me a Disney character.” Careful there, I almost spilled my drink.

7:58 – Oliver Highman: Well, now that I know how it’s spelled, it’s not nearly as funny. Wait – yes it is. I’ve been drinking. Just say it. Say it out loud. His audition sounded like the understudy for an opera Diva wrecking an aria. But his name makes me giggle like a little girl.

Next week – Omaha Nebraska. Where, from what I can tell from the previews, the people there are genuinely frightening and I’m gonna need a whole lot more alcohol.

We're Back, Bitches

So you know how we said we were going to post on the off-season? Well, that was stupid of us, and we aren't going to promise that anymore. What we are going to do, when this season ends and we sober up and restore our faith in humanity, is have a sign-up form which will enable us to notify you when we're starting the countdown for the next season. And then the show will probably get cancelled.

It's countdown time, angels! 32 days! We're going to try to post every day from now until then, and once the show gets started, well, there'll be no stopping us!

Before I get into the news, I have a very important announcement. Those of you who are regular Midol readers may be familiar with commenter Melissa McGee, she of the hilarious commentary. I believe she coined the term "old man mouth" as it relates to Blake Lewis. Anyway, we're delighted to announce she'll be joining our esteemed ranks this season! And also, Mejack, Curly and I will be live-blogging the premiere from the Official Idol Premiere Headquarters®, AKA Mejack's new apartment.

And without further ado, here's the first of many news roundups:

Britney's Banned
New season, new show formula. In the show's seventh season (Which Nigel Lythgoe claims has the best singers yet. Yawn.), contestants will be allowed to play instruments on stage, which means this season's Chris Daughtry will be even more annoying. Also, there will be fewer celebrities this year, which means less bitchy fun for us. Also, NO BRITNEY SPEARS. EVER.

Football, Now With More Jordin!
Jordin Sparks has been tapped (not by Curly, unfortunately for Curly) to sing the Star Spangled Banner at Superbowl XLII. Also, until I read that article, I completely forgot that Jordin won last year. That either shows how not-memorable the show's sixth season was, or how much pot I smoked in my youth.

Idol Cast-offs to Appear on Bones
Season 6 camera bangers Brandon Rogers and Ace Young will be guest starring on a not-yet-announced episode of Bones. In other news, Bones is still on. Who knew?

America Still Under the Daughtry Spell
Those rock-groupies-turned-soccer-moms sure have a lot of buying power. Billboard has named his boring, formulaic, depressing album the best seller of 2007. America, please, put down the punch. There is much better music available to you.

Clay Aiken on Broadway
In what's possibly the most bizarre news ever, Sir Clay has signed on to play Sir Robin in Spamalot from January 18 through May 4, 2008. And I am too flummoxed to even make a joke about it right now.