Unbreak My Heart

Picture it. Sicily. 1932. Wait, no. That's not right.

Picture it. New York City. 2008. Jess arrives home from culinary school (Pizza and focaccia night: Yum!), hits "List" on her DVR remote, and scans the trash she's taped: Gossip Girl, Rock of Love With Bret Michaels, Celebrity Rehab With Doctor Drew, and Planet Earth, because nature is a whore. No American Idol. But how can this be? she thinks, checking her Series Manager, only to find that Idol has mysteriously disappeared from her recording list. Stuffed to the gill with carbs and cheese and bursting with anticipation, she's left with only one option: News, and a frantic email plea to her similarly-afflicted sisters to pick up the slack until next week when she's, as the kids say, back to her regularly scheduled programming.

Playing the Ratings Game
In case you didn't hear, a lot of freaking people watch Idol. The season premiere averaged 33.2 million total viewers, making it the most watched show of the entire 2007-2008 season so far. Not too shabby, right? Well, consider this. Last year's premiere was 10% higher, with 37.3 million viewers. A bad sign? Well, considering there's a writer's strike going on and there's nothing else on fucking television, I'm going to go with "yes."

Simon Says Britney Can Call Him Any, Anytime
Simon Cowell sat down with the New York Post for some reason I can't quite identify, and dished on the show, his exit date, and Britney Spears. He calls the auditions "increasingly like torture," spills that he's only got two years on his contract (but doesn't say whether he thinks he'll re-up if given the chance), and offered his wisdom, compassion and paternal shoulder to one Ms. Britney Spears.

Why is Chris Daughtry Still Talking?
In a move that epitomizes his profund douchebaggery, Chris Daughtry told Rolling Stone that he thinks Idol is losing its luster. This comes on the heels of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee and Ruben Studdard losing their record contracts. Oh, and it was the night before the premiere, too. Methinks someone's still bitter they got voted off the show! Just think how lusterful the show would have been if a boring, Fuel-frontman wannabe with zero charisma, dumb sideburns and the same exact voice that emenates from every other pseudo-rock singer had won! Now that's some exciting TV!

No Apples For Nigel
This is a juicy one! Apparently, Nigel Lythgoe choreographed a musical film in 1980 called The Apple, which has been billed as one of the worst films ever. It ran as a double feature with Xanadu! And I promise you this, angels. I WILL find this. And I will watch it with glee. And then I will either show it to you or tell you all about it. If any of y'all have seen it, please share. PLEASE.

And to all, a good night. Fucking DVR.

We're Back, Bitches

So you know how we said we were going to post on the off-season? Well, that was stupid of us, and we aren't going to promise that anymore. What we are going to do, when this season ends and we sober up and restore our faith in humanity, is have a sign-up form which will enable us to notify you when we're starting the countdown for the next season. And then the show will probably get cancelled.

It's countdown time, angels! 32 days! We're going to try to post every day from now until then, and once the show gets started, well, there'll be no stopping us!

Before I get into the news, I have a very important announcement. Those of you who are regular Midol readers may be familiar with commenter Melissa McGee, she of the hilarious commentary. I believe she coined the term "old man mouth" as it relates to Blake Lewis. Anyway, we're delighted to announce she'll be joining our esteemed ranks this season! And also, Mejack, Curly and I will be live-blogging the premiere from the Official Idol Premiere Headquarters®, AKA Mejack's new apartment.

And without further ado, here's the first of many news roundups:

Britney's Banned
New season, new show formula. In the show's seventh season (Which Nigel Lythgoe claims has the best singers yet. Yawn.), contestants will be allowed to play instruments on stage, which means this season's Chris Daughtry will be even more annoying. Also, there will be fewer celebrities this year, which means less bitchy fun for us. Also, NO BRITNEY SPEARS. EVER.

Football, Now With More Jordin!
Jordin Sparks has been tapped (not by Curly, unfortunately for Curly) to sing the Star Spangled Banner at Superbowl XLII. Also, until I read that article, I completely forgot that Jordin won last year. That either shows how not-memorable the show's sixth season was, or how much pot I smoked in my youth.

Idol Cast-offs to Appear on Bones
Season 6 camera bangers Brandon Rogers and Ace Young will be guest starring on a not-yet-announced episode of Bones. In other news, Bones is still on. Who knew?

America Still Under the Daughtry Spell
Those rock-groupies-turned-soccer-moms sure have a lot of buying power. Billboard has named his boring, formulaic, depressing album the best seller of 2007. America, please, put down the punch. There is much better music available to you.

Clay Aiken on Broadway
In what's possibly the most bizarre news ever, Sir Clay has signed on to play Sir Robin in Spamalot from January 18 through May 4, 2008. And I am too flummoxed to even make a joke about it right now.

Top 6 Recap

This week was all Bon Jovi, all the time. And I couldn't have been happier. Well, maybe a Slayer week would make me happier, in theory, but then it would make me sad, because Blake would beatbox to "South of Heaven," and my world as I know it would lose all meaning. Ahem.

Jon Bon Jovi is still smoking hot, and like all the mentors who came before him, he wants the Idolbees to tell a story. First up is Phil Stacey, and he's singing "Blaze of Glory." JBJ loves him fiercely, as do I. I started out a Phil fan, then he sucked for a really long time, but now he's back and I'm back on board. Also, how does Vote for the Worst deal when the "worst" is actually good? Food for thought.

Next up in Jordin Sparks, and she’s singing "Living on a Prayer" and my first thought is "oh no." And then starts singing, and my second thought is "oh no," followed by "ouch." Not good, J-Spo. Not good t'at all.

Lakisha Jones is up next, and she’s singing "This Ain't a Love Song," which I've never heard before. And while she obviously didn't go outside her comfort zone (which no one took her to task for, and perhaps they should have), she was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that Simon slipped her a little tongue post-performance. Okay, he didn't, but he did kiss her. On the lips. And then slip her some tongue. Maybe.

Next up is Blake Lewis. JBJ talks about the huge risk he's taking with "You Give Love a Bad Name," which means he’s going to beatbox, which means JBJ hates it, and I'm going to hate it, too. And I do. I'm not really sure what Bon Jovi did to Blake personally, but clearly he's seeking revenge. And here's the thing that gets me the most. If Blake had actually sung the song, and remember this is, in fact, a singing competition, I would have loved it. The parts where he actually sang? Blew me away. I had no idea he had that much power. He could have rocked it, but instead he ruined it. Dumbass. And his dye job killed whatever bit of cuteness he still had left. And when Paula said that she saw a "twinkle" in JBJs eyes as he talked about the song, I think what she really meant was "shame" and "dread."

When Chris Richardon told us he'd be singing, "Dead or Alive," I thought "noooooo." I expected runs all over the place, and dude, you can't Timberlake up Bon Jovi. But he was actually ... good. He traded in his nasally bullshit for a raspy thing that TOTALLY WORKED. And now when Chris and I finally do get naked and have sex with one another, I won't feel bad about it, because he's really not a terrible singer.

Melinda Doolittle is up last with "Have a Nice Day." And she's awesome! I mean, there isn't really anything to say about her vocals, because they're always flawless, but homegirl brought the attitude. And it was also adorable when she tried to do the devil horns. I voted for her three times.

And then George and Laura Bush closed the show, thanking the American people for doing what they should be doing, but aren't doing, and they don't even see the irony of it all.

Bottom three: Chris, Phil, LaKisha
See ya later: Chris (No really, Chris. Call me. I'd like to see you later.) and Lakisha