Friday News Update

Hi, I'm Carson Daly and I'm a Massive Tool
Carson joins the voting for Sanjaya bandwagon citing the singer's different hairstyles as his main reason for doing so. I'll just leave it at that because really, I can't say anything snotty enough to make Carson look even worse. (People)

We'll Always Have Paris... To Hate On
My, my... it seems Ms. Bennett has quite the Jennifer Hudson-like resentful streak going on. Calling the show "a joke," among other things, the squeaky-voiced runt from Season 5 is throwing her support behind Sanjaya in an effort to ruin the show. You know, the very show that made her famous... Well, as famous as Paris Bennett can possibly be. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell: This Season Blows
'Nuff said. (Reality TV World)

Behind the Scenes with the 'Idols' and Entertainment Weekly
This week's EW is devoted to the show we love to hate. Check out this five-minute (ish) video to get some insight into the Idol personalities from the man who interviewed them: Dave Karger. Again, no further snot from me because, unlike Carson Daly, I actually dig Dave Karger. I find his writing and Today show appearances to be delightful.

And yes, I'm hoping he Googles himself and drops us an email. Hi Dave! (EW)

Bucky's CD Hits Stores
Personally, I don't give a rat's ass but I know the mention would make Jess and Mejack happy and I'm nothing if not a shameless ass kisser... except when it comes to Bucky. And Paris. And Taylor Hicks. And Chris Daughtry. And Paula Abdul. And Ernest Borgnine. (Elites TV)

Friday News Update... on Saturday

So yeah, I'm bringing you yesterday's news update today. How bad ass am I? Actually, tired as all fuck is the more accurate term. Pardon the missed deadline. Mama had a case of the exhaustion, you see.

Okay, enough stalling. Here are your headlines, bitches:

Warning: Freaky Sanjaya Photoshop Experiment Ahead
Hours later and I'm still trying to get the sting out of my scorched eyes. (TMZ)

Bucky Covington Sings, Sings a Song... of Paralysis
I'm betting it will be the feel-good hit of the summer. (People)

Gwen Stefani's 'Idol' Appearance Is upon Us
It's Gwen's turn to mentor the hopefuls during Pop Week. No word on whether she'll be encouraging them to dress like complete and total tards. (The Gossip Fix)

Past Contestant Report Card
See how Kimberly Locke stacks up against Kellie Pickler. And I swear this has nothing to do with breast size. No really, it doesn't. (Scripps)

LaKisha's Daughter Wants Her Mama Back
Little Brionne is really missing her mommy and wants her home tout de suite. Hmmm... I think we now know who's really jamming the phone lines with votes for Sanjaya. (MLive.com)

"Simon Can't Drive a Five Speed Worth a Flip" says Bucky

This just in:



What's your fondest memory of Simon?
I walked outside one time and saw Simon get into this beautiful black Ferrari – we all know Simon is loaded. He gets into his car and you hear "Vrooooom." He burnt the clutch out of it. He cannot drive a five speed worth a flip! I, personally, am a fan of Simon, but with all that money get an automatic!

Read more of what Bucky has to say and see why Bucky is Clairvoyant

Friday News Update

It's a light news day, people. All anyone wants to discuss is skanky Antonella Barba and how she's still on the show. I apologize in advance for boring you.

Jennifer Hudson up for an NAACP Image Award
Beyonce's up for a few too, so maybe she'll stop making voodoo dolls of Jennifer Hudson and praying to The Dark Lord to wipe her from existence.

Bucky's #1
The video for Bucky Covington's first single, "A Different World," debuted at #1 on CMT's Pure Country Video Playlist. I'm not sure if that's a good thing; as I'm not terribly familiar with either the channel or the show, but it sounds like it's the TRL of country music, in which case, go Bucky!

FOX is #1, Too!
FOX swept the ratings Thursday night, just like it does on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I'm not a ratings analyst, but I don't really get why everyone is so surprised by this.

Ask the Idols
Do you want to know what it is about Phil Stacey that makes him both scary and intensely likeable at the same time? If Sundance Head cries when he watches Bambi? If Blake Lewis knows how awful that hat was? If so, PEOPLE is sitting down with the 'Idol' hopefuls and asking them YOUR questions. If you submit one, and your question is featured, let us know! We won't make fun of you. Promise.

If you need a pick-me-up after all that, check out Kellie Pickler's new breasts:

A Brief News Brief

Oooh lawdy, I am behind on my Midol homework this week! Fear not, I furiously took notes during tonight's Hollywood episode and will present them to you tomorrow in a brand spanking new post. In the meantime, here's a quick look at today's headlines:

Paula: I'm Not a Lush!
She only plays one on TV... quite believably, I might add. Someone give that broad an Emmy. (AP)

American Idol Producers: Paula's Full of Shit... Booze-Soaked Shit, to Be Exact
Actually, she is really, really tanked on the set but only looks somewhat trashed to us at home thanks to some generous editing commissioned by show producers. (Reality TV Magazine)

Bucky's Gettin' a Deeee-vorce, Y'all
Tomorrow's headline: American Midol colleagues Jess and Mejack charged with plotting to don diapers, drive 900 miles and then mace each other in the face to win Bucky's affections. (People.com)

Michael Jackson to Moonwalk on the Idol Stage?
I really can't elaborate on this article any further than the headline 'cause I couldn't read the whole thing on account of all the eye covering I had to do because of the accompanying photo of MJ. Not since The Well Girl from The Ring have I been this terrified. (TMZ)

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

Greetings, minions. Not too much in the way of news today. Anna Nicole Smith is dominating the headlines so I have no choice but to be brief. No whining! There's more to come tomorrow. Until then...

There's a rather tasty blind item in The Back Row column in today's issue of the Daily News...

What former American Idol is up to their nose in bad behavior? Friends were amazed at a high-profile fashion week after-party at how much fairy dust the crooner put away.

Hmmm... Jess and I spotted Katharine McPhee and Jim Verraros at the Marc Jacobs show on Monday night. MJ is rather high-profile so it follows that his after-party would be as well, no? Interesting. Very interesting.

Kat's got her share of issues but I don't think blowing rails in public is among them. Now I'm not saying Jim is necessarily the culprit here because for all I know, there were a gaggle of Idol cast-offs running amok during Fashion Week that I didn't see up and close and personal. Still, I think it's a safe bet. Any other guesses?

Okay, moving on to less inflammatory things that won't get our asses sued... Season Five's Bucky Covington has no beef with Simon Cowell nor his cranky critiques. Quite the contrary, he graciously took his lumps and is enjoying the fame the show helped him achieve. Hear that Jennifer "I was misquoted!" Hudson?! That's what you call gratitude and not being a dumb bitch. Look into it. (People.com)

Ebony Jointer, she of the waitress outfit/roller skates/two less-talented hangers-on combo in last night's final round of auditions is not a complete entertainment neophyte as it turns out. Girlfriend actually hit the gridiron with the Chicago Bliss, a Lingerie Football League team back in 2005. (Note to self: Do thorough Google image search of those photos. How did I not know about this?!)

Ebony's also been seen on America's Next Top Model and had a small role in Pauly Shore Is Dead. Scandalous! A Pauly Shore movie, Ebony? Seriously? (TMZ.com via RealityTVMagazine.com)

And finally, this is not technically news... except to those who know me and how snobby I am about my mp3 collection but I, Curly McDimple, just downloaded the Jason Nevins Rock da Club Edit of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and I am, as we speak, rocking out like it's my job. Trust me, it's hot.

Photo: FOX

News Roundup

It is with a heavy heart that I report that there is no truth to the rumor that Courtney Love will bump Paula Abdul from her judging berth.

How could this happen, you ask? Because God likes to raise my hopes and then cruelly dash them. Although, in truth, I don't want Paula going anywhere. Her spasms, outbursts and slurred speech are reliably entertaining. I need Paula's crazy. Please don't take this from me. Ever.

I was hoping to see Courtney and Paula riding out their respective highs (and subsequent crashes) side-by-side with Simon Cowell providing color commentary. Courtney would flip him off. The censors would develop callouses from hitting the bleep button to drown out her unending stream of profanity. Then the graphics department would have digitize large portions of the screen to prevent impressionable children from seeing Courtney's boobs and snatch. It would have been fun for all, really.

And now, sadly, this doesn't seem to be in the cards for us. Unless, Barry Manilow or Dionne Warwick swing by after a good bender. I'm sure Whitney can hook her aunt up with a bit of the crack. Think of the ratings! (Us Online)

Onward.

Jennifer Hudson resents being "the girl in the turkey wrapping." Truthfully, I didn't know that she was ever affiliated with poultry but then again, I'm prematurely senile so my recollection -- or lack thereof -- and a token might get you a ride on the subway.

Anyways, apparently Jennifer was branded with this rather forgettable (again, to me) description back during her Idol run and she hasn't quite gotten over it. Hudson tells Essence magazine that she was unfairly pegged as this "character" and had to "sing her way out of it." The show's "abusive," large fries aren't nearly large enough for her liking, yadda, yadda, yadda, whine whine whine.

I've seen and heard many adjectives applied to Hudson of late – Golden Globe winner, SAG winner, Oscar nominee, breakout performer, star-in-the-making, big fatso, etc. I've see no references to turkey and/or any of its trimmings. I mean, I could make an obvious stuffing joke but I'll abstain because I'm classy like that. (People.com)

Bucky Covington's hitting the Grand Ole Opry for the first-time ever. I really have nothing else to say about that because that would require me filling my brain with references to country music and I have better things to do with that precious space. Like memorizing the phone book and/or counting the number of bricks in my apartment building. (AmericanIdol.com)

Thanks to a hit album completely devoid of songs requiring him to inquire if he makes us proud, Chris Daughtry is no longer being a whiny ass bitch about his early ouster last season. Furthermore, he's super tired of all you people telling him he was robbed so y'all can just drop it. Seriously. Stop talking about it. It's not just Chris who's tired of that shit.

If it makes you disgruntled followers feel any better, it was his premature dismissal (hee hee, that sounds dirty) that allowed Daughtry to form... uh, Daughtry, instead of having to go it alone while tethered to a beastly contract laden with stipulations and restrictions and worst of all, crappy ballads that will one day be converted into muzak and pumped into the aisles of the Winn-Dixie as well as performed at eighth grade graduations for years to come.

See, Chris was really worried that the songs spawned from an Idol-produced album "would have stomped on [his] credibility a little bit." No no, Chris, don't be silly. It's your association with Creed that did that. (Access Hollywood)

Photo: Jeff Schneid/Getty Images

News You Probably Can't Use

Not necessarily the news, but really, is there anything funnier than a Paula Abdul fug? Okay, a Britney fug, but Paula is a close second. (Go Fug Yourself)

Bucky Covington, also known in some circles as My Boyfriend, signs a deal with Lyric Street Records. Album comes out April 17, two days after my birthday. Totally planned. Thanks Bucky! Also, a sort-of-but-really interview with the man himself. His first single, "A Different World," will hit the country airwaves January 16th. ('American Idol' official site)

The 'American Idol' karaoke video game! 'Nuff said. (USA Today)

Ruben Studdard wants Alabama residents to quit being a bunch of fatasses. (The Birmingham News)

Review: Taylor Hicks' debut Taylor Hicks not all that and a bag of chips. Is anyone surprised? You know, besides the millions of retards who voted for him week after week? (Rocky Mountain News)