Results Recap

"9 to 5" medley: More awful dancing. The guys all sounded super weird singing it. The girls sounded okay, even Kristy Lee Cook. The contestants came off the stage to fondle the judges for awhile. God, I hate the medleys so much. They are painfully cheesy, and not kitschy cheesy, which I like. Just straight up Gouda.

Aside: I love Dolly Parton so, so much. She's a national treasure. I do miss her old face, though. I would also like to point out that a few weeks ago, I went over to Curly's for dinner, and we discussed Dollyweek. She said, "Who's going to sing "Jolene," and I predicted Brooke White." I also predicted Kristy Lee Cook would sing "9 to 5," but at least I got one right. Actually, she technically did, in the medley, so I am a physic phenomenon!

Michael Johns is… safe! And wearing a Dolly Parton T-shirt?

David Archuleta is… safe! I think it's safe to say David Archuleta could burp his next song and be safe.

Carly Smithson is… safe! And I can't decide if I think her yellow top is flattering or not. It's hard to pull off yellow if you're not Brooke White, because she is the sun in human form.

Commercial time. I have to see if my tater tots are done. And my tater tots are… not done!

I am not digging Seacrest's fauxhawk at all.

Call-in time! Haley, age 13, wants to know what Syesha misses most about her home life. Answer: hanging out with friends and family. This segment is so fucking boring. Robert, also age 13, wants to know what talent David Cook would like to have. Answer: organization -- he's a slob. I'm falling asleep here. Bill, age 26, wants to know who Randy, in all his skull-shirted glory, hasn't worked with. Answer: he'd like to work with the next American Idol! Kyle, age 17, wants to know what Michael Johns and David Cook want to sing on the tour. Answer: they haven't thought about it yet. Mary, age 52, has a question for Simon. Why does he feel it's necessary to apologize after a negative critique? Answer: Simon is officially off the hook! No apologies from now on.

The Clark Brothers sang, "This Little Light of Mine." Badly. The singer is a bizarro, less cute Jordan Catalano singing "I Want to be Sedated" after Rayanne choked and ran off the stage. Luckily my tots are done, and in case you were wondering, yes, I'm going to eat my tots, and no, you can't eat them.

Ford commercial. "It's Tricky," which I enjoy very much when I listen to my Clueless soundtrack. The Idol hopefuls are facing off with a bunch of black guys in basketball. Because black guys are good at basketball, duh. Not good enough to beat this group of skinny, multi-ethnic midgets, though! Just kidding. They aren't all midgets. Just some of them.

David Cook is… safe, healthy and sporting questionable hair.

Ramiele Malubay is… in the bottom three! And wearing a Britney T-shirt?

Kristy Lee Cook is… in the bottom three! And she brought some sort of note claiming her silver seat.

Past Idol update. Bucky moved to Nashville, got a record deal and has two singles out. Phil Stacey grew a beard, looks like my boyfriend now, and has a country album coming out soon. Bo Bice had three intestinal surgeries, took a year off, built a recording studio and put out an album getting back to his southern rock roots. He needs a haircut now more than ever. He's also a dad now, which he seems to enjoy.

Syesha Mercado is… safe! And wearing a Paula Abdul T-shirt?

Brooke White is… in the bottom three! Holy crap! My beloved Jason Castro is safe!

Ramiele is boob height to Kristy and Brooke. Heee.

Idol Gives Back time. An Ethiopian girl living in poverty was given a home and was separated from her sister. After searching, she found her, and their reunion was really touching. They're both off the streets now and in a shelter.

Dollytime! Singing "Jesus and Gravity" from her new album "Backwoods Barbie." LOVE. She is wearing the craziest outfit EVER, and it is awesome because it's Dolly. She looks like a bride at a wedding at a retirement community for active seniors in Boca Raton, Florida whose next door neighbor from Texas, Betty Jo, took a look at her white capri pants and cape and said, "It's nice, Dolly, but it needs more pizzazz! Let me get my Bedazzler!" And then they drank white wine spritzers and spent the night bedazzling and gossiping about Martha down the hall, who is a TOTAL SLUT. And Jordin Sparks and Holly Robinson Peete fucking loved every second of it. Speaking of crazy outfits, Paula Abdul has some sort of weird cutouts on her shiny blouse. She looks like a Russian stripper.

Results time. Randy predicts Ramiele is out. Simon predicts it won't be Brooke. Brooke is emotional and can't stop talking. Brooke is… safe! And Kristy Fucking Lee Fucking Cook is safe AGAIN. I shake my fist at Vote for the Worst. Which means that Ramiele is going bye-bye. I'm not sad, because she showed so much promise early on and then never really delivered, and if I learned anything from my parade of shitty ex-boyfriends, it's that you can't fall in love with someone's potential. She's young, though, she'll be fine. And successful. She pulled herself together to do a decent sing-out, which I always like to see.

Top Chef time, kiddies. Stay tuned for a news update later this week.

Friday News Update: Now With More Hoff!

So remember when Taylor Hicks won American Idol, and David Hasselhoff and I both burst into tears, me because I was weeping for the utter stupidity of my dialing countrypersons, and the Hoff because he was presumably one of said countrypersons? Well, not so, as it turns out. He of the momentous German fame told TMZ that he was sitting next to his friend who had brain cancer who has since passed on his birthday. And I'm not going to even snark on that, because I do have a shriveled heart in there somewhere. You can watch the video here.

Jeff Archuleta, father of David, is apparently a giant prick. He makes Joe Simpson look like an affable, loving gent who isn't at all creepily obsessed with his daughter Jessica's breasts, in fact. Jeff likes to harass David's competitors (i.e. Tiffany Evans on Star Search) and yell at little David all the time. Full story here.

Who will replace Amanda Overmyer as Vote for the Worst's newest poster girl? Why, Kristy Lee Cook, of course! I'm officially sick of VFTW. That chick has already overstayed her welcome by about three weeks. Story here.

Sing that Kumbaya in key, bitches! Idol Camp is back for its second year, with guest mentors Ace Young, Bo Bice and Jon Peter Lewis. Here's the baffling part of the story -- it says Ace Young was nominated for a Grammy?! "And the award for best camera fucker goes to..." Full story here.

Not to start a pro-life/pro-choice debate, but I think this is just whack -- "Idol Gives Back," the charity program of "American Idol," is not worthy of support from people who regard unborn life as sacred, a pro-life leader says." If you want to read the rest, it's here. If you're anything like me and prone to rage, you might want to just skip it.

Thievy McCopyrightinfringementpants, aka David Cook, is being taken to task for yet another stolen arrangement. Apparently his rocked-out version of "Eleanor Rigby" belonged to a band called Doxology, and they released a statement (Read it here). I'm guessing that's probably why David actually gave credit to Whitesenake for their arrangement last week.

Hollywood Week Tuesday Recap

It’s here, kiddos. Hollywood week. Where dreams are made and murdered in a matter of minutes. We get to witness as “You’re going to Hollywood!” turns into “You’re going back home because we don’t exercise good judgment and we somehow overlooked the fact that you suck ass.” in the blink of an eye.

Kicking off Hollywood week:

Brook White – Horrific, if I’m being honest, while singing Carole King’s “Beautiful” and playing the keyboard. I have no idea what the hell the judges were listening to when they told her she was fan-fucking-tastic. Maybe they were listening to Carole King sing it herself on their iPods. That’s all I can figure. I’m definitely not on the same page as the judges yet this season... which is no big surprise. I rarely am.

More bad singing ensued. Nothing memorable, and from no one we’ll ever hear sing again.

Alisha Dixon – What the hell?

Alyssa Coco – got about 3 notes out of her yap before Simon shut her up. Thank you, Simon. Have I told you lately that I love you?

Shaun Burrows – Lame. I can’t take any more of this shit where the contestants are playing instruments. I hope this is a one-time deal, and it doesn’t carry over into the future seasons. It sucks. It sucks ASS. And it’s not helping any of the contestants so far. Quite the contrary.

I refuse to comment on every single person singing while they’re playing drums badly, guitar badly, keyboards badly.

Thank you David Hernandez for NOT playing a fucking instrument. Sang a soulful-cum-jazzy version of CSNY’s “Love the one you’re with” and honestly, it was pretty damn badass. I didn’t like all the note-runs and twists and turns, but he’s definitely got some bangin’ vocal power. You GO, David Hernandez.

Amanda Overmyer – “The Rock & Roll nurse”, which I’m sure we’re going to get to hear for the entire season. I’m sick of her stupid dye job. Is it just me or does she sound a bit like she’s had too much dairy and has some sort of cream cheese bubble in her throat? I am no longer enamored of her. STOP REFERRING TO THIS BITCH AS JANIS-LIKE. Monotony? Yes. A whole heapin’, steamin’ pile of it.

Buck Smith – Bo Bice called, he wants his look back. And he told me to tell you “My hair is BROWN, bitch!”

Ghaleb Emachec - One word: smarmy. Another word: craptastic.

Day Two in Hollywood started off with Ryan lying his ass off by saying “this year the talent is better than ever.”

Josiah-living-in-his-car-Leming – again with the stupid fake British accent coming out of his hillbilly mouth. Sounds like he’s listened to way too much Keane. Simon is going to remember this audition out of all the auditions, he said. Randy pledged his undying love to Josiah. Paula slipped her room key to him.

Carly Smithson – The only thing I was able to focus on was her bright blue tongue. Why the blue tongue, Carly? Somewhere, a smurf is blissfully smoking a cigarette.

David Cook – Almost couldn’t get past his 1995 Christy Turlington hair style. Also had a blue tongue… which makes me wonder if they’re passing around blue lozenges back stage or if I should just strike while the iron is hot and start the rumors about David and Carly myself.

The last contestant of Day 2 – Kyle Ensley, the curly-mopped governor-wannabe from Oklahoma who likes deer jerky. Murdered – no, slaughtered “Love grows where my Rosemary goes.” “A little corny” Paula said, because she clearly has no idea what corn even is.

Perrie Cataldo – Got his last chance on Day 3, and his singing wasn’t nearly as bad as many of the warbling no-talent yahoos that made it through. He got his walkin’ papers.

I’m officilally drunk now.

Amy Flynn – I beseech you Randy, Simon & Paula: PLEASE send this annoying little virgin home. Aaaaaaaand thank you.

Angela Martin – should just get signed by a label already. She’s better than having to compete with Jeffrey Lampkin for a title like “Idol”. She’s just fantastic and – I’m not being snarky at all right now for some reason – she really deserves a contract.

Syesha - is my current bet for the winner. She just looks like a star, and God Almighty, she did the Queen of Soul proud with her raspy, sexy turn at “Chain of Fools”. Sing it, sister.

Michael Johns – Didn’t think it was the best audition of the day, as Simon did, but I did think performed well if not a little bland for my taste. He was hoarse enough to have to strain to reach a few notes but wise enough to pull back a little where it was necessary and managed to play it off very nicely .I’m so sad that I saw that wedding band on his left hand. Damn. Cause I was so gonna marry that guy.


Carly Smithson – Rocked the Hell out of pretty bad Heart song. I really didn’t want to like her, but damn it, she made me like her with this last performance.

Brooke Helvie – I really didn’t want to like her, and I succeeded wildly. The begging and pleading were unbearable. Her tearful, dramatic commentary “I just wish I was given a fair chance, like everyone else.” has to be the most ridiculous, narcissistic statement I’ve heard like, ever. She got more chances than most people in the world will ever have, and way, WAY more than she deserved. GO HOME, Prissy.

HATEFUL RANT WARNING: Sick and fucking tired of Josiah. This little turd isn’t “comfortable” with the band. God. How do you go on? He’s a monumental drama queen and a smarmy little prima donna. Shut up. Go sleep in your car, fucktard. The grandstanding to dismiss the band was nauseating, as was his fucked up Radiohead-meets-a-British-palsy-sufferer rendition of “Stand by Me” which sucked so bad I got a hickey. Simon nailed him to a wall with the “over-confidence” remark and made him cry like the little bitch that he is, and the sad-puppy camera fucking was enough to make me drink until I black out. I officially hate his drama queen guts. I am not looking forward to having to watch him in the episodes to come. I feel a hateful curse comin’ on.

Tomorrow, the revealing of the Top 24; we get to watch as more bleary-eyed, teary-eyed wannabes and also-rans get sent packing with their tails between their legs, and we get to meet the 24 contestants we’ll be watching get hacked to pieces for the rest of the season!

Woo! Bring it!

Wednesday News Update and Predictions

Phil Stacey May Be Going to Iraq
Phil Stacey may be going off to Iraq instead of to the Idols Live tour this summer, the Los Angeles Times says. It’s kind of a non-story, because no one confirmed it. I’m more concerned with the fact that Phil’s Navy rock band is called “Pride,” which seems awfully wimpy for a band that is composed of military guys who play rock music. (National Ledger)

Jessica Sierra Will Cut a Bitch
Season 4 flunkie Jessica Sierra is being sued by a man who claims she gashed his head after hurling a cocktail glass at him. Sierra claims she thought he was someone who had spit in her face. She was charged with aggravated assault and cocaine possession. She was just holding the coke for someone, though. The jokes for this story write themselves, so I’ll refrain. (WOAI)

Amanda Coluccio Makes Music
Taking a page out of BFF Antonella Barba’s playbook, the season 6 contestant is making “sexy” music on MySpace, complete with “sexy” pics. In other news, should Amanda and Antonella not make it in the music industry (like that’s even possible), they’ll have a great future starring in lesbian porn together. (Buddy TV)

Bo Bice and, uh, Anthrax?
Anthrax members Scott Ian (aka my future husband) and Frankie Bello will jam with Bo Bice this Friday at Retox, the rock bar co-owned by Ian in NYC this Friday. I will be on a bus to Schenectady for Mother’s Day instead of at the show, crying. (93X Rocks)

And for my predictions, Blake and Kiki in the bottom two with Kiki going home. And I’m also predicting Jordin to win the whole damn thing.

Birmingham, the Recap

And this, my friends, is the point in the season where I say to myself, "Holy Mary Mother of God, can we get to fucking Hollywood already?"

Birmingham, blah. Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, Bo Bice, blah. Why does Birmingham have to hog all of the American Idols?

Anyway, let's go. First up was Erika Skye, who bears more than your passing resemblance to Stephanie Klein and sang a screamy rendition of "Unchained Melody" that made my brain hurt. I'm not going to go into everyone else -- just the ones I feel like talking about.

Jamie Lynn Ward. Now, her father shot her mother and then himself, leaving him paralyzed in a wheelchair. We weren't told the mother's fate, but she doesn't live in the house so I'm guessing it's not good. It's a sad story, and it makes her this season's Kellie Pickler. But here's the thing. I may hate The Pickler now, but I really liked her after the audition. Why? Because she had a sad story and she sang the crap out of "Since U Been Gone." Jamie Lynn Ward did not sing the crap out of "Reflection." Had she been a regular girl without a good backstory, we wouldn't have even seen her audition, and she certainly wouldn't have made it to Hollywood.

Now, Chris Sligh. He also didn't sing the shit out of "Kiss From a Rose," but he said he was there to make David Hasselhoff cry, and for that he should be the next American Idol. Let's review: Dad shoots mom, self. Go home. Snarky comment about David Hasselhoff. You're the next American Idol. My heart is black and my soul is cold.

Last but now least, Brandy Patterson. Delusional and with an attitude up to here, she poured kerosene on "Like a Virgin," lit it on fire and then danced on the ashes. I mean, just, wow. The best part was Simon's reaction to her. I love it when Simon, who is so reserved, bursts into laughter. And when he said, "Call me," and she said, "I don't want to call you," and he said, "Yes you do," and they went on and on, I burst out laughing. I love me some Simon Cowell.

Paula was mysteriously absent on Day 2 of Birmingham. Did she really have "family business"? Was she too drunk to go on? Did the lack of talent in Birmingham send her over the edge? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this year's American Idol will not be from Alabama.

Link it up, baby:

Death by Camera has the Memphis contestant's MySpace Profiles.

EW has the full recap

As does TWoP

Better Late Than Never Newsbrief

As if I needed an excuse to be even crankier on this blog (and in real life, if I'm being honest), I've been engaged in a frustrating battle with my Internet connection for the past several hours and I.am.not.happy.about.it. The error pages and slow page loads have left me feeling extra salty. But it's your lucky day because I'm funneling my inner bitch into today's daily news digest. So, buckle up, bitches.

"We're no crueler this year," claim the Idol judges and producers in response to criticism that they've been too aggressive in the new asshole-tearing they've been doing this season. In other words, they've always been skewering Special Olympians from day one. Oh, I see. It's just that us assmunches didn't notice until now. Gotcha. (People.com; Reality Blurred)

If you're feeling a tad nosy, fire up your iTunes and check out the playlists of Taylor Hicks, Katharine McPhee, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Chris Daughtry, Kellie Pickler, Jennifer Hudson, Carrie Underwood, Bo Bice and even Randy Jackson.

Surprisingly, no Journey was included in the latter's list. You tricked me, dawg! I was totally expecting some "Wheel in the Sky." Actually, no... that's not true. How silly of me. Randy didn't play bass on that track so why would he include it? I guess I meant to say that I was totally expecting some latter-day Journey that Randy played bass on. Um, I'd cite specific song titles and albums but really, do you even care? I sure as hell don't.

Once again Pickler proves that she's a dumb ass of monumental proportions. See, she first earned this distinction with her (albeit short-lived) dalliance with Constantine "My Chin Looks Just Like My Ass" Maroulis. She's now firmly cemented on my shit list thanks to the inclusion of one of her own tracks in her iTunes playlist.

So, to put this in perspective, no one else in that self-absorbed roster committed this crime. Just Kellie.

In case you're a little slow on the uptake, what I'm trying to say is that Pickler managed to make Randy "When I'm in the Studio with Mariah" Jackson look the model of humble restraint. Someone give me a billy-club, a darkened alley and five minutes alone with Pickler. Please? (iTunes Store; software download required for you Amish readers who don't have iTunes installed already.)

Citizens of Texas, you can go ahead and get your knickers out of that a knot they're in. Contrary to popular belief, Carrie Underwood and Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, are NOT sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. So, y'all can stop blaming her for distracting the QB and causing an early playoff exit. The real reason you're not going to the Super Bowl is because... uh... oh, fuck it. I hate football and I can't even pretend to give a shit. So let's just dispense with the trash talk and say that your team sucks and that'll be the end of it, okay? Move on. (National Ledger)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com