Tuesday Idol Recap – Melissa is in Hell

Okay kids, this is gonna be down and dirty. My DVR crapped out day before yesterday so this is all gonna be on the fly – no rewindies. Plus, I’m in a shit mood, and I’ve got a raging headache.

Picture it: Omaha, Nebraska, the winter of 2008. Corntown, USA. Tens of thousands of hopefuls herd like cattle with their sites set on becoming the next American Idol. Why, oh why didn’t they put two and two together and realize that with the exception of a very precious few, they’d only end up on the “you suck” reels of the audition broadcast? Don’t these people WATCH American Idol? If you can’t sing, a cow costume isn’t going to confuse the judges into thinking that you can.

Chris Bernhsldjhtgswdkljkjhsd - I missed his last name because, well, I can’t rewind, and it sounded like maybe there were no vowels in it. Gets points for the most retarded handstand I’ve seen, maybe ever. He is but another blip on the total suck radar. According to Randy, he’s “the next Seacrest” which is code for “you’re a gaywad.”

Paula Abdul arrives on the show late because “her plane was delayed.” And by “her plane was delayed”, I mean “she was sleeping off last night’s goofballs.”

Rachael Wicker – She sounded better by miles and miles than most people auditioning this season so far. On to Hollywood, blondie. Congrats.

**Side note on Rachael Wicker: Who the CAPITOL F is Randy to talk about people who sing country “doing this half yodel thing”, when he actually ENCOURAGES the horrific “runs” that we’re assaulted with by contestants every season? Extra notes are extra notes, Randy. Call them what you want, but don’t penalize a decent singer for bending a note every once in a while when you endorse it in others.

Sara Whitaker – Bring on the Gothball retard with the tiny chiclet teeth and pancake makeup the color of typing paper. And make sure to add bad maniacal laughter to the equation. Oh, and make sure she sings some freakish show tune. Badly. Because that just fits.

Samantha Sidley – This chick came ALL THE WAY from Los Angeles to perform her karaoke version of “I don’t know why” and try to sound exactly like Norah Jones? Really? Too much disposable income. And the only thing they had to critique her on was “not enough showmanship”? With a horrible, breathy audition like that, how would anybody know if this chick has any range to her voice? Can she wail a ballad? Can she rock out? Does she have ANY range??? My money is on “she doesn’t.”

POINTLESS SHITTY BACKSTORY ALERT

Angelica Puente - Her dad “was strict and wants his kids to do the best because his life wasn’t the best.” So your dad wants you to do well? That IS strict! Yawn. Lots of pictures of a shirtless dad, tears, and another audition that sounded just like the rest… and included – what, Randy? Yodeling? Yet Randy said “yes”. Curious. Tearful yet anticlimactic phone call to shirtless dad followed.

David Cook – Blake Lewis wants his fauxhawk and argyle sweater back. Sang “Livin’ on a prayer” as a ballad. It was bizarre to say the very least. Good vocal though. And on to Hollywood he goes.

Johnny Escamilla – The Gold lamé jacket and Moe Howard haircut are you, honey. Oh, and Paula has “the hiccups”. For the same reason Hobos have the hiccups.

MONTAGE ALERT – Steeler’s Wheel: “Stuck in the Middle with you”

Just the typical “well, you’re gonna be on TV but it’s nothing to be proud of” montage. I especially loved the Renaissance garb-wearing, horn clad dork couple singing as a duet. They made me completely stabby.

Leo Marlowe – The last audition. I thought he was okay at best. At BEST. Simon, Randy and Paula nearly tripped over themselves to send him to Hollywood. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m not expecting to see him but once more.

Tomorrow night - Miami, Florida. It will be the largest number of auditions featuring songs by Gloria Estefan. Ever.

Monday News Update

Kiddies, mama's got a splitting headache and a gag reflex on the brink of collapse so drop everything and listen up (and get the bucket and mop ready) because it's news roundup time and I'm in no mood (or state) to dilly-dally.

Actually, by all rights, it really should have been news roundup time hours ago when you people were bored at work and desperate for a distraction but, well, some of us don't have the luxury of wasting time and fucking around on The Man's dime.

Um, to clarify, the preceding statement should be translated as dripping with jealousy as opposed to a finger-wagging guilt trippy kind of thing.

God, I feel like ass but I will sally forth. However, it's really hard to combat the urge to puke and/or faint when I'm faced with images such as this during my quest to find you some news:

God damn you, TMZ. Damn you to hell.

Man, you know it's a slow news day when Seacrest's flab is the lead item. Here are the rest of the day's paltry headlines:

Former Tricycle Driver on 'American Idol'
I don't actually have anything to add to this news story. Hell, I didn't even read it because I can't quite get past the headline. I'm technically a former tricycle driver myself but it's not like I put it on my resume or call it out as a special skill when granting interviews. I suppose we should be grateful that the publication didn't choose to tout Renaldo Lapuz's graduation from diapers to big-boy undies. (Global Nation)

'American Idol' Invites Us to Ask Blake Lewis 'Nearly Anything'
Oooh! Oooh! I've got one, Blake. First-time caller, long-time listener, here and I just have to know... Why are you such a colossal douche? Thanks in advance for answering! (AmericanIdol.com; TMZ.com)

That is all. To the Pepto!

Tuesday News Update

An aside. I was at Virgin Megastore last night buying my moms the new Alicia Keys CD and they had a "new releases" board up top behind the registers. Blake Lewis was on it, alongside legitimate musicians. Wrong? Perhaps. But I'm not here to make fun of Blake Lewis. I'm here to bring you the news! So here I go:

Reality TV Good for Minorities
With no end to the writer's strike in sight, reality television is about to get huge, because it's been under the radar for so long. And shows like American Idol boast a diverse cast, with minorities frequently winning. And Tila Tequila and William Hung are good for minorities. What? Yeah, I don't know, either.

Alice Cooper and Jordin Sparks Dedicate School of Rock
Do I need to even comment on that one? No. Awesome.

Paula's Pee Stolen
A man who once worked at a gynecologist office Paula Abdul went to -- a self-described "fan" -- stole a urine sample of hers. He was fired, natch. I hope he wasn't planning to pass it off as his own to pass a drug test.

Morning After News Update

Well folks, it’s over. Can’t say I’m going to miss it. I’ve been a little MIA lately, due to starting a new job, quitting said job, going to Belize and then dealing with what travelers to Central America frequently deal with when they drink margaritas that have ice in them that was full of bacteria that their fragile digestive systems are not used to. TMI? Maybe, but it could have been a lot worse. Anyway, Jordin Sparks won! Yay Jordin! Actually, I don’t much care that Jordin won, because Melinda Dolittle was my homegirl, but I am full of glee that Blake Lewis DIDN’T win.

Without further ado, here’s your news. We’re going to continue to do news here at Midol, with frequency dictated by actual amount of news, my motivation level, and how much I’ve had to drink the night before.

Why Blake Lost
Because he wasn’t the best singer. Shocking, I know. Also, because he was a giant douche. Okay, that bit isn’t in the article, but I felt that it needed to be said. Also? No one born with a penis should ever wear a glittery argyle sweater vest. I stand by that. (Foxes on Idol)

Best of Season 6
Consider yourself warned – the “best of” is just as boring as the rest of the season was. Better luck next year! (Reality TV Magazine)

Idol: Losing its Edge?
A deconstruction of season 6, and the impact Idol will have on the, uh, 2008 election? Yeah, I don’t know, either. (Newsweek)

Simon Says, “Later, bitches!”
Simon Cowell shocked the world and the very fabric of the lives of everyone who lives in it by telling Extra that he plans to leave the show. IN THREE YEARS. Yeah, not exactly earth-shattering, that. Another season like this one and he might have to bail after two. (Hollywood.com)

Clyde Pickler Loves the Pokey
Kelly’s daddy is facing four felony theft charges after stealing a buttload of cars last week. I don’t know about you, but if I was a convicted felon on parole with a marginally famous daughter, I’d think that was a good idea, too. (ImediNews)

Thanks for tuning in, folks. Our long national nightmare is now over.

The Finale: The Recap

In the immortal words of Barry Manilow... looks like we maaaaaaaaaade it! Finally! Sweet Jesus, this season took long enough to wrap up. It started out promising but it quickly descended into a steaming pile of poop and never quite recovered.

Speaking of a pile o' poop, let's discuss the two-hour finale, shall we?

The evening started out on a dubious note with Blake and Jordin performing a lifeless duet of "I Saw Her Standing There." Then Ryan introduced Gwen Stefani who was beamed in via satellite (although, it could have been pre-taped because the show is just that shady).

Gwen then warbled "4 In The Morning" while sporting a bunched-up frock that looked like it got stuck in her pantyhose when she visited the little girl's room. Not attractive.

Next up was the first in a series of painful Golden Idol Awards. Why? Why must we be tortured with this bullshit? Anyhoo, a yellow feather-clad Margaret Fowler took home the prize for "Best Presentation" and then proceeded to dry hump Ryan Seacrest in a most disturbing fashion...

Ew. I may never recover.

Then Smokey Robinson sang a couple of ditties with the Top 6 guys. I guess it sounded good. I can't say for sure because I was too busy scrutinizing Phil Stacey's suspect dance moves. Man, he sucks.

Up next, Blake and Doug E. Fresh engaged in a wee bit o' -- quelle surprise -- beatboxing...

Actually, if I'm being honest, I didn't think it was all that bad.

Then there was some other Golden Idol Award crap that I don't feel like discussing further.

Gladys Knight and Tony Bennett then swooped in (separately) and lent an air of class to the proceedings.

As Ryan introduced Tony Bennett, we got a glimpse of Constantine Maroulis who once again fucked the camera with his patented beady eyes/pursed lips combo. If that wasn't bad enough, the director cut to a shot of an applauding Justin Guarani who managed to look slimy even when appreciatively clapping for a legend such as Tony Bennett. Douche.

And then yet another unfunny Golden Idol Award where we witnessed Jonathan Jayne and Kenneth "Bush Baby" Briggs receving the "Best Buddies" trophy...

Because, apparently, these two easy targets weren't exploited enough during the auditions back in January, they had to be trotted out once again for a bit more ribbing in front of an audience of millions. It was bordering on cruel.

Up next was Melinda Doolittle singing about Jesus or turning on the lights or some such with CeCe and BeBe Winans. Then Jordin and Blake were informed by Ryan that they were each getting a Mustang courtesy of Ford. Blake then did a Borat impersonation that firmly cemented my hatred of him. Blake, not Borat. I adore Borat. I just hate young guys who impersonate him, you see. Ditto for people who do Pee Wee Herman impressions. I really hate people who do that.

And then we reached my favorite part of the whole show -- the African Children's Choir...

I adore these kids to no end. Look at their faces! Their energy and exuberance are completely infectious. I love them.

However, that good will was short-lived because a few minutes later, Sanjaya took the stage and once again desecrated "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks. This time with the aid of Aerosmith's Joe Perry. What did Ray Davies ever do to you, Joe Perry?!! Shame on you!

And once again, Ashley Ferl, the infamous Crying Girl, was there and, as usual, she was in hysterics. Somebody medicate that kid. Now.

Adding insult to injury, Taylor Hicks then took the stage and tarded his way through "Heaven Knows" effectively draining what little joy and enthusiasm I had left in me. However, I did derive some pleasure by snapping this photo of Taylor where I captured him in full Stroke Mouth glory...

Up next Jordin Sparks and Ruben Studdard performed "You're All I Need to Get By." So wait a second... Blake gets to perform with an accomplished performer like Doug E. Fresh and Jordin has to settle for the least remarkable Idol winner ever? How is that fair? First, the producers make her sing a lame Donna Summer song last week and now this? Why do they hate her so? Why?

Then Bette Midler came out and sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" and I fast forwarded it because while I'm down with the Divine Miss M, I really don't ever need to hear that song ever again. Seriously, does anyone still have a real jones for this tune?

Oh wait, it turns out Jerry Springer does! So much so that he was moved to tears...

Dude, even The Hoff didn't cry this year. Pussy.

Then there was a tribute to The Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" album. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It was just... random, for lack of a better word. I know they were celebrating the album's 40th anniversary but the lineup, transitions, etc. were just weird and kind of jarring, complete with Taylor pantomiming taking a bullet to the head during "A Day in the Life." Pity he was only "acting."

However, I will say that Kelly Clarkson did an admirable job with the titular song accompanied by Joe Perry who redeemed himself after his earlier Kinks infraction... I guess.

And then, finally, we reached the end of this exhausting marathon where we were rewarded with a proper and just outcome... uh, you know, considering our choices...

Ha ha! Suck on it, Blake.

That's it for now but don't start your blubbering just yet because we still have a few things to sort out. I'll have a Season 6 wrap-up in the days to come plus a final installment of The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram before we start winding things down for the season.

After that, feel free to bawl away.

The Top 2: The Belated, Half-Assed Recap

A pox upon us for a lack of a recap today. Those pesky day jobs of ours picked a fine time to get in the way of our Idol obsession. Oh, and there was also the small matter of me being out last night drinking my face off whilst playing Ms. Pac Man. If you haven't tried to gobble ghosts and power pellets while intoxicated, I suggest you do so immediately.

So I watched the show last night in the wee hours of the morning and I didn't really take notes because, well, I didn't feel like it. I'm tired, yo. This has been a long ass, boring season and it's really taking a toll on my motivation and creativity. Oh, and did I mention that I was rather drunk? A sure sign of my lack sobriety was the fact that I made toast at 1:00 am. You know I'm good and hammered when I start toasting shit late at night. I even set off my fire alarm because I had the toaster setting on too high. So, I not only had to eat blackened cinnamon raisin toast, I also managed to piss off my neighbors. Awesome.

So, now, on with what I can remember about the show...

What scary ass army is Randy Jackson a member of? That general's outfit?! What?!?!

Paula was doped up something fierce last night and as such, she's going out with a bang on this week's Insanity Index. Awww yeah.

Blake Lewis was mediocre at best. I fast forwarded his first performance ("You Give Love a Bad Name,") because I hated it during Bon Jovi week and there was no possible way I would hate it any less this week. Then, just when I thought he couldn't annoy me further, he busted out ANOTHER Maroon 5 song and it was dumb and boring and stupid and asinine. And then he was made to sing the songwriting competition song ("This Is My Now") and he sucked to high heaven and embarrassed himself but, miraculously, he got a pass from the judges simply because they said it wasn't the type of song Blake is used to singing. Well, tough shit. Hard work is not the type of work I'm used to doing but my bosses don't see that as a viable excuse for shoddiness. Bullshit. In the words of the immortal Tim Gunn, make it work, Blake.

Jordin Sparks attempted Christina Aguilera ("Fighter") in the first round and while it wasn't spectacular, she didn't make an ass of herself. She aced round two with a reprise of "A Broken Wing" from country week and made Blake look the marginally-talented one-note weenie that he is. Jordin finished up with a superior take on the otherwise dreadful "This Is My Now" and further proved that she's got the goods to win the whole kit and kaboodle.

Ew, I can't believe I just wrote "kit and kaboodle." I told you I was fed up.

Predictions:
Take a bow, Jordin. Sit and spin, Blake.

Poll Time: Who's Going to Win the Whole Shebang?

Wow, can you believe we're in the final stretch? Why, it seems like just yesterday we were talking about Apollo Creed lookalikes, bush babies, and hot pink stirrup arm tights. Ah, memories.

And now, here we are, at the end of the road faced with the choice between an overpraised copycat with a serious case of "old man mouth" and an adorable young thing with an annoying tendency to pantomime text messaging. (Stop that, Jordin. STOP.THAT.) Uh, I guess that's progress?

So, for the last time this season, what say you...

Who will be the next American Idol?
	Blake Lewis
	Jordin Sparks
Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Top Three: The Results

Here's your top two, America: Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis.

Wow, I'm really pissed. I took notes and pictures during the broadcast but thanks to tonight's results, I'm too digusted to post them. Seriously. For Melinda's sake, I'm glad she didn't win the whole thing because now she'll actually have a chance for a successful career free from limits and bullshit. But still, she should have made it to the finals.

And sadly, you guys were wrong too. Only 19 percent of you correctly predicted that Melinda would get the boot.

I'm seriously too cranky to elaborate on this. Maybe my mood will lighten by tomorrow for a proper recap. But don't count on it.

The Top Three: The Recap

Greetings and welcome to your weekly alcohol-fueled recap. Sadly, I'm not quite tanked up yet. However, I'm diligently working on it as I write this (courtesy of Blue Moon Honey Moon Summer Ale, thank you very much.) In retrospect, I should have started swigging this stuff sooner. Oh well, live and learn.

Now, is it just me or was Simon completely defanged tonight? What the fuck was that about? And Paula, dammit, wasn't all high and stuff. This makes me very cranky and I will take this dissatisfaction and... and... uh, translate it into data and then plot it on this week's Scattergram. All the rage and ambition fell out of that potentially emphatic declaration of revolt shortly after I started it. Sorry.

And now, on with the show...

Jordin Sparks
First Song: "Wishing on a Star" by Rose Royce (selected by
Simon Cowell)
This song was wobbly at the start but about halfway through, Jordin grabbed hold and smoothed it out. I dug it. As did Randy and Paula. Despite the fact that he selected it, Simon wasn't happy with the band's "weird jazz arrangement." Ryan dusted off his powers of selective listening and crowed that Simon didn't like his own song, an annoying non-fact he kept repeating because he's an annoying douche.

Second Song: "She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer (selected by the producers)
Unlike the judges who were unanimous in their praise, I thought this sucked balls. I don't blame Jordin. I blame the producers who saddled the poor girl with this relic. Clearly, they hate Jordin. I think because they're getting as tired of her heart-shaped and text-messaging hand gestures as I am.

Third Song: "I Who Have Nothing" by Shirley Bassey
(selected by Jordin)
Jordin resurrected this song from British Invasion Week. If she's going to rely on a repeat then I'm going to do the same by referring y'all to what I wrote back then.

Blake Lewis
First Song: "Roxanne" by The Police (selected by Paula Abdul)
Well, that sucked. And what was up with all that echo? I don't need to third and fourth generation versions of this bullshit.

I don't want to think about this song anymore. Let's look at an unflattering photo of Blake, shall we?

And here's one of the dumb ass sending the mic flying after fucking around with the stand:

Second Song: "This Love" by Maroon 5 (selected by the producers)
If I hate anyone more than Blake, it's Maroon 5. I don't know why since I rarely pay them any attention yet somehow, they've managed to find themselves on my "I hate you" radar. Sucks to be you, Maroon 5.

Third Song: "When I Get You Alone" by Robin Thicke
(selected by Blake)
Okay, so I don't know much about this Robin Thicke character except that his dad is Jason Seaver and he has a mind-boggling falsetto. To clarify, Robin has the falsetto, not Jason Seaver. Well, maybe Jason Seaver did but to my knowledge, there was no episode of "Growing Pains" devoted to it. However, in retrospect, there should have been.

You can't hear it but I'm now singing the theme song in the gnarliest falsetto I can muster. "Show me that smile again..."

Ahem. But I digress, I've seen Robin Thicke's appearances on "Today" and "American Idol" and both times, I sat there stunned and simultaneously repelled by the stank that was seeping out of my television's speakers. I honestly don't get the appeal. His voice was whispery, thin and really high. It sounded like a joke. Alas, it was the real deal and apparently, it's tearing up the charts.

I do not understand America.

So, getting back to tonight, I scowled when I heard Robin Thicke's name and was dreading Blake's attempt at being a castrato. And then, out came this other uptempo song sung in a normal register and I was actually relieved. Which is not to say I liked it, mind you, but I was grateful for the fact that Blake didn't sing as if his balls were in a vice.

So, uh, good stuff, I guess?

Melinda Doolittle
First Song: "I Believe in You and Me" by Whitney Houston (selected by Randy Jackson)
I tend to hate Whitney ballads but this shit was good. Although, it pains me to give even an ounce of credit to anything associated with Randy. I hate him. Maybe more than Maroon 5. But not nearly as much as I loathe Al Roker. Fuck you, Al!

Second Song: "Nutbush City Limits" by Ike and Tina Turner (selected by the producers)
That was hot. And the word "nutbush" makes me giggle. 'Cause I'm a juvenile tard like that.

Third Song: "I'm a Woman" by Peggy Lee (selected by Melinda)
Oh goodie! Another repeat. And you know what that means! Less work for me!!

Predictions: Before tonight's episode, I thought for sure that Blake was easily on his way out but that fucker managed to get decent reviews after each performance. Stupid asswipe. However, I don't think it was enough to stop Melinda and Jordin from making it to the finals.

And it seems that you guys agree. At press time (hee hee, I still get a kick out of saying that), Blake has 63 percent of the going-home vote.

Didn't vote yet? Well, what are you waiting for? The poll will be open until 9:00 PM EST on Wednesday. Speak now or you can't bitch about the results. That's our job, remember?

Poll Time: Who Will Be the Next to Go?

It's that time again, kiddies. Tell us...

Who's the next to go?
	Blake Lewis
	Jordin Sparks
	Melinda Doolittle
Free polls from Pollhost.com

And the Stars Say...

As in years past, astrologer Jeff Jawer has his Idol finale prediction. This year, he's predicting Melinda Doolittle to take home the crown (and the recording contract), with Jordin Sparks a close second, and Blake not even in the same ballpark. I'm not sure I agree -- I still think Jordin is the frontrunner -- but any prediction that gets Blake out of the running is just fine by me.

Get the planetary breakdown. (AOL Horoscopes)

Wednesday News Update and Predictions

Phil Stacey May Be Going to Iraq
Phil Stacey may be going off to Iraq instead of to the Idols Live tour this summer, the Los Angeles Times says. It’s kind of a non-story, because no one confirmed it. I’m more concerned with the fact that Phil’s Navy rock band is called “Pride,” which seems awfully wimpy for a band that is composed of military guys who play rock music. (National Ledger)

Jessica Sierra Will Cut a Bitch
Season 4 flunkie Jessica Sierra is being sued by a man who claims she gashed his head after hurling a cocktail glass at him. Sierra claims she thought he was someone who had spit in her face. She was charged with aggravated assault and cocaine possession. She was just holding the coke for someone, though. The jokes for this story write themselves, so I’ll refrain. (WOAI)

Amanda Coluccio Makes Music
Taking a page out of BFF Antonella Barba’s playbook, the season 6 contestant is making “sexy” music on MySpace, complete with “sexy” pics. In other news, should Amanda and Antonella not make it in the music industry (like that’s even possible), they’ll have a great future starring in lesbian porn together. (Buddy TV)

Bo Bice and, uh, Anthrax?
Anthrax members Scott Ian (aka my future husband) and Frankie Bello will jam with Bo Bice this Friday at Retox, the rock bar co-owned by Ian in NYC this Friday. I will be on a bus to Schenectady for Mother’s Day instead of at the show, crying. (93X Rocks)

And for my predictions, Blake and Kiki in the bottom two with Kiki going home. And I’m also predicting Jordin to win the whole damn thing.

The Final Four: The Recap

Good evening, ladies and germs. And I do mean germs. A lovely rattling cough has settled into my chest and it's making me quite miserable. Mmm... dry, barking cough. 'Tis lovely, 'tis. Between that and some girl trouble, I wasn't really in the mood to watch "American Idol" tonight much less take my usual batch of grainy photos. But I did watch and take notes but the camera remained buried in my bag somewhere so there will be no visual aids this week. If I have to be in pain, so do you all of you. Sharing is caring, yo.

Also noteworthy: I'm not drinking Riesling tonight. I bought beer instead (Corona Extra, if you must know) because I'm sort of mopey and I don't want to end up all depressed. Wine makes me weepy, you see. Also, I'm starting to get funny looks from the cashier at the Heights Chateau when I stop in for my weekly fix of Clean Slate so I'm lying low for a while. And by "a while," I mean until next Tuesday. Or maybe tomorrow. We'll see.

On with the show...

So Barry Gibb was tonight's mentor. He was pleasant and helpful, I suppose. However, the most noticeable thing about Barry had to be those ill-fitting dentures. Someone needs to call Select Dental, methinks.

Melinda Doolittle
First Song: "Love You Inside and Out"
Yet another solid yet non-descript vocal. She was roundly pooh-poohed as boring by the judges.

Second Song: "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?"
This started out dull and boring but Melinda really reached in towards the middle and breathed some much-needed life into this ballad. Simon remarked that "the second half of the song has put you into the semi-finals." I agree. Paula, on the other hand, tried to offer constructive criticism by saying, "Throw all your technique away and just..."

Just what, Paula? Yeah, that was real helpful. I'm sure Melinda is taking it into consideration. You're getting an 8 this week, dumb ass.

Blake Lewis
First Song: "You Should Be Dancing"
Second Song: "This Is Where I Come In"
Neither song was that memorable for me to critique them separately. Blake trotted out the 311-style vocals and beatboxing YET AGAIN and for once, Randy called him on it. Randy was good and cranky tonight and, I may soon regret this, but I sort of liked him tonight. When he's offering substantial criticism, he's less prone to saying things like, "Good looking out." I HATE when Randy says "Good looking out," primarily because I don't know what it means. Actually, wait... he said "Good looking out" to LaKisha tonight so I guess that makes it a moot point. In that case, fuck you, Randy.

Anyhoo, Simon shit all over Blake and I'm pretty sure it's going to fire up his base thereby securing his spot in the top three. Bummer because he's tired and he sucks.

LaKisha Jones
First Song: "Stayin' Alive"
Second Song" "Run to Me"
Again, neither song was distinct enough to merit its own paragraph. And again, LaKisha opted for an appalling green gown. Didn't we already discuss this, Kiki?! You're going home this week and you have only yourself -- and your questionable fashion choices -- to blame.

Jordin Sparks
First Song: "To Love Somebody"
Jordin wisely chose a non-gimmicky BeeGees song in her first outing earning her raves all around. And Barry Gibb totally hearts Jordin stating that there's "no greater version of 'To Love Somebody' than Jordin's" and then he said she'd be one of the great female vocalists of our time. Normally, I'd be jealous of the attention he was lavishing on my girl but dude, those choppers! I have NOTHING to worry about as my teeth are aligned and proportionate with the rest of my mouth.

Second Song: "Woman In Love"
She didn't fare as well with this song and the "Lord of the Rings"-inspired gown but her first number was strong enough to safely carry her to the finals.

Predictions
Bottom Two: Blake Lewis and LaKisha Jones
Going Home: As of press time (hee hee... I always wanted to say that), you, our esteemed Midol readers, think LaKisha will be hitting the bricks. And I'm inclined to agree. Ciao, KiKi. It's been real.

Poll Time: Who's a Goner?

Since y'all did such a bang-up job predicting last week's losers, here's your chance to play clairvoyant once again. Tell us...

Who's getting the boot?
	Blake Lewis
	Jordin Sparks
	LaKisha Jones
	Melinda Doolittle
Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Top 6 Results

Wow, I think I may have a drinking problem. My productivity has taken a hit and I'm making excuses as well as promises of recaps I can't possibly keep. However, The Lovely Jess came through with your weekly fix so get off my back, yo. Seriously, there's a Riesling-flavored monkey already on it and there's simply not room for all of you.

The monkey stays, bitches.

And now the housekeeping portion of the post...

According to the results of our poll, the readers of American Midol correctly predicted tonight's outcome: Phil and Chris hit the bricks. However, I'm a dumb ass and forgot to turn off the voting before the live show began ('cause I'm overly fond of the drink) and when I last checked the results during the "legal" time frame, y'all had LaKisha pegged for extinction along with Chris. So if we're going to go the integrity route, you're only half right. But fuck integrity and dignity, congrats on your accuracy.

Bummer about Chris though. I mean, really, how hot is he?!

Hubba hubba. Here's one mug, however, that I won't be sad to see leave:

And since I didn't post a proper recap as promised, whiny ones, here's some choice shots from last night's show:

I don't know why but LaKisha reminds me of Patrick from "SpongeBob SquarePants" in this photo. Maybe it's because she's so very blobby and triangular. Perhaps I'm off-base but methinks LaKisha should refrain from ever wearing shorts with a tropical pattern -- Jams, if you will -- just the same.

Here's Blake and his "old man mouth" (full credit for that brilliant description goes to Melissa McGee) in all its glory:

And, lastly, here's a little bit of low-tech animation of Melinda Doolittle doing her best to rock the devil prongs. This makes me adore her even more.

Bye, Chris. I'll miss you. Oh and psst... call Jess. As for you Phil, may you finally rest in peace.

Top 6 Recap

This week was all Bon Jovi, all the time. And I couldn't have been happier. Well, maybe a Slayer week would make me happier, in theory, but then it would make me sad, because Blake would beatbox to "South of Heaven," and my world as I know it would lose all meaning. Ahem.

Jon Bon Jovi is still smoking hot, and like all the mentors who came before him, he wants the Idolbees to tell a story. First up is Phil Stacey, and he's singing "Blaze of Glory." JBJ loves him fiercely, as do I. I started out a Phil fan, then he sucked for a really long time, but now he's back and I'm back on board. Also, how does Vote for the Worst deal when the "worst" is actually good? Food for thought.

Next up in Jordin Sparks, and she’s singing "Living on a Prayer" and my first thought is "oh no." And then starts singing, and my second thought is "oh no," followed by "ouch." Not good, J-Spo. Not good t'at all.

Lakisha Jones is up next, and she’s singing "This Ain't a Love Song," which I've never heard before. And while she obviously didn't go outside her comfort zone (which no one took her to task for, and perhaps they should have), she was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that Simon slipped her a little tongue post-performance. Okay, he didn't, but he did kiss her. On the lips. And then slip her some tongue. Maybe.

Next up is Blake Lewis. JBJ talks about the huge risk he's taking with "You Give Love a Bad Name," which means he’s going to beatbox, which means JBJ hates it, and I'm going to hate it, too. And I do. I'm not really sure what Bon Jovi did to Blake personally, but clearly he's seeking revenge. And here's the thing that gets me the most. If Blake had actually sung the song, and remember this is, in fact, a singing competition, I would have loved it. The parts where he actually sang? Blew me away. I had no idea he had that much power. He could have rocked it, but instead he ruined it. Dumbass. And his dye job killed whatever bit of cuteness he still had left. And when Paula said that she saw a "twinkle" in JBJs eyes as he talked about the song, I think what she really meant was "shame" and "dread."

When Chris Richardon told us he'd be singing, "Dead or Alive," I thought "noooooo." I expected runs all over the place, and dude, you can't Timberlake up Bon Jovi. But he was actually ... good. He traded in his nasally bullshit for a raspy thing that TOTALLY WORKED. And now when Chris and I finally do get naked and have sex with one another, I won't feel bad about it, because he's really not a terrible singer.

Melinda Doolittle is up last with "Have a Nice Day." And she's awesome! I mean, there isn't really anything to say about her vocals, because they're always flawless, but homegirl brought the attitude. And it was also adorable when she tried to do the devil horns. I voted for her three times.

And then George and Laura Bush closed the show, thanking the American people for doing what they should be doing, but aren't doing, and they don't even see the irony of it all.

Bottom three: Chris, Phil, LaKisha
See ya later: Chris (No really, Chris. Call me. I'd like to see you later.) and Lakisha

Top 6: The Toothless Recap

In tonight's episode, the Top 6 performed songs of compassion and hope in celebration of Idol Gives Back. Normally I'd roll my eyes at such cheese but well, I can't do that since Idol Gives Back is a noble effort and in the spirit of this worthy and generous cause, I'm dialing back the snark to zero tonight. Rest assured, I'll be back and overflowing with piss and vinegar next week. Until then, here's tonight's rundown:

Chris Richardson
Performed "Change the World" by Eric Clapton

I didn't dig it but the judges did. (I warned you this was toothless.)

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "There Will Come a Day" by Faith Hill

I didn't like the song but Melinda sang it well. The judges went batshit over it yet again and I began to detect a judging pattern.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Imagine" by John Lennon

Simon described Blake's rather bland performance as "sensitive." And he wasn't being the least bit haughty about it! Uh yup, I'm definitely not the only one who feels too guilty to pooh-pooh the performances tonight. Polite overpraise was the theme of the evening.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "I Believe" by Fantasia

Wow, the first performer to get across-the-board criticism tonight. Also, I think it's the first time in the history of Idol where a performer had the audacity to sing songs by past winners TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. LaKisha already tread on Jennifer Hudson's turf early in the competition so it's particularly noticeable now. Hmmm... I wonder if she'll dip into the Jasmine Trias songbook next week... if there IS a next week for KiKi.

Phil Stacey
Performed "The Change" by Garth Brooks

Simon was downright syrupy while heaping his "I like yous" on Phil tonight. I needed to go brush my teeth afterwards what with all the sugar and my usual Phil-inspired vomiting. Okay, so that was slightly snarky. I couldn't resist.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "You'll Never Walk Alone" from the musical, Carousel

It started out wobbly but it got solid towards the end but again, I wasn't as jazzed as the judges seemed to be. Even so, I'm zipping it... for now.

Predictions
Bottom Three: LaKisha, Blake and Phil
Going Home: LaKisha

Bye-Bya Sanjaya

Well it looks like America remembered that this was, in fact, a singing competition and finally voted off Sanjaya. He definitely should have been gone long ago but I have to give the kid credit for how he has handled himself throughout all of this. He is only seventeen and and has endured endless public scrutiny and has been the butt of many, many jokes. I could not IMAGINE dealing with that at seventeen. The good news is that there are many, many teenage star fuckers so you know he will be getting much ass.

I was really, really surprised that Blake was in the bottom three. Kiki, yes, as she has been slowly losing steam but it is hard to imagine that Phil Stacey made that much of a comeback from just one performance. And who exactly is voting for Chris? He must have the young chick vote or something. I think that both Chris and Blake have a gaggle of little girl fans but I think Chris probably has the upper hand there as he seems more accessible- kind of like digging the second cutest New Kid because EVERYONE loved Jordan and maybe Joey was probably tired of everyone making a big fuss about Jordan and wanted someone to think HE was the best and if I liked Joey the best then maybe he would give me a shot. Or something. Theoretically. That did not actually happen or anything. That scenario was strictly for argumentative purposes.

I am glad we are done with country music week. Don't get me wrong- I am a big fan of SOME country- I love the slidey twangy guitar and the songs about whiskey and horses and jail - but I really don't care for the contemporary country music that I sat through this week. Between that and the Gloria Estefan revival of last week I am really ready for some show tunes. Awesome. This post sucks.

Part 7 Recap: The Sequel

My esteemed colleague, The Lovely Jess, already brought you her take on the evening's song stylings so I'm going to blow through tonight's lineup focusing less on the vocals and more on what is undeniably my strong suit: shallow snap judgments. As Randy would say, it's in my wheelhouse, dawg.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Where the Black Top Ends" by Keith Urban
Wow, I hate country music and well, this didn't suck. Phil's attire, however, did. Seriously, he needs to stop with the skinny jeans/oversized button-down shirt combo.

Oh, and again with the "I love you" sign language?! (Thanks for pointing that out, Bubbajane). So what, Phil is now courting the deaf vote? He should really leave that to Sanjaya, no?

Jordin Sparks
Performed "A Broken Wing" by Martina McBride
Wow, dude, that takes balls to sing a song by the mentor. That could have easily stooped to Blake-Sings-Marc-Anthony territory but girlfriend brought it home this week. That was not brown-nosing. That was bad ass. Although, the outfit? Was that from the Wonder Woman Evening Wear Collection? Jordin, I can't possibly continue to crush on you when you dress like this. Go see Jess about some image pointers NOW. Please and thank you.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt
Clearly Sanjaya was both competing in American Idol and simultaneously auditioning for membership in the Nashville Bloods with tonight's get-up:

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood
Notice that Kiki's titties were nowhere to be seen tonight. It's 'cause she was singing about Jesus, y'all. Understandable modesty. But really, What Would Jesus Say About Those Gold Lamé Boots? (WWJSATGLB)

Chris Richardson
Performed "Mayberry" by Rascal Flats
As cute as he is, Chris is getting hard to root for what with the flat notes, the bobbing and weaving dance moves (even during country week!) and his impassioned defense of nasally vocals. Still, he looked adorable and I don't mind keeping him around for some eye candy.

God, I really am the worst lesbian ever.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Trouble Is a Woman" by Julie Reeves
I have nothing to say that other than her usual masterful performance, Melinda looked fabulous and age appropriate tonight. Behold!

Blake Lewis
Performed "When the Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw
Whoa! I actually knew this song. Then again, my exposure to it is both through The Corrs and Ryan Adams, NOT Tim McGraw. But whatever, Blake didn't fuck it up with his usual "isms" as Paula called them and I can't shit on him this week. Let's see how long this stay of execution lasts.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Chris Richardson, LaKisha Jones and Phil Stacey
Going Home: Hmm... it could be Chris but I think Phil's reached his expiration date. In fact, he's been smelling for weeks but it's high time to ditch him.

Top 7 Recap

Well folks, we made it through country week. Martina McBride was kind of awesome. She gave them really good feedback, and she has very pretty eyes. Anyway, here's what I thought of the contestants. I'll add in song titles later when they get posted somewhere.

Phil Stacey
I agreed with the judges that Phil seemed in his element this week and finally showed a little personality. Homeboy's been all doom and gloom for weeks. I do maintain that Phil is the best male vocalist on the show, and I also maintain that it isn't really saying much. His lower register (Term #32 I learned on Idol) is still a little rough, but his big notes are awesome. Now if only he could stop being so fucking creepy.

Jordin Sparks
She was awesome. And I'm not going to gush about how SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN because the judges, especially Randy, can't stop gushing about the fact that SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. But damn, people. SHE'S ONLY SEVENTEEN. (Cue Winger and give the mic to Curly)

Sanjaya Malakar
Sanjaya makes me wish I were Helen Keller, although I think even Helen Keller could have detected a whiff of suckage emanating from her television screen.

LaKisha Jones
I actually kind of liked Kiki rendition of "Jesus Takes the Wheel." I mean, I think the song is ridiculous, due partly to the fact that I'm a godless heathen, and partly to the fact that if you're in a car, barreling to your death, turning it over to Jesus is kind of a last resort, you know? There are things you should maybe give a try first. If I were Jesus I'd tell that bitch to stop being so fucking lazy and keep those hands on the wheel. But I thought LaKisha brought a lot of emotion to it, and I didn't think it was nearly as shouty as the judges did.

Chris Richardson
Oh, Chris. Chris, Chris, Chris. Nasally is NOT a vocal style, it is a vocal shortcoming. And don't talk back to Simon. Just don't. It makes you look like an ass. An adorable ass, to be sure (Chris, call me!) but an ass nonetheless. Also, the singing was horrendous.

Melinda Doolittle
Mindy Doo looked hot! And she sounded great, and she brought energy and attitude and she's slowly losing the "aw shucks" thing, which is only going to win her more fans. I'll be voting for her multiple times as soon as I finish this recap

Blake Lewis
God help me – I actually liked that. Like, a lot. I'm not changing my stance on Blake. I still think he's smarmy and cocky and way full of himself. But I couldn't hate that, and believe me, I tried.

Overall, I didn't find it as painful as I usually find country week. It didn't blow me away, but it was bearable. What I did find painful, though, was the ill-timed, awkward mentions about the Virginia Tech shooting. I appreciate the sentiment, of course, as I'm sure everyone did, but it felt really forced and weird. Like, Ryan says something right before energetically kicking off the show? And Chris mentioning it right after Simon rips him apart? And the judges all mumble about it when they're supposed to be critiquing Blake's performance? I'm not heartless – I've gotten choked up several times watching and reading the news, and I find the whole thing devastating. I guess I just don't really feel like American Idol is the best platform for that kind of commentary.

Now, let me get back to what I do best – being a raging bitch. (See? Transition = awkward) Here's your news:

Sanjaya is a Fashion Plate
Fanjayas are flocking to H&M to pick up the white suit he wore two weeks ago. In other news, the Idol wardrobe budget is around $17.50.

More Idol Sex Tapes
Olivia Mojica? Who? We at American Midol are waiting until there's a scandal-free week and Sanjaya gets voted off to release our sex tapes – gotta keep traffic going somehow. I have an A.M. call with Vivid Entertainment. I'll keep you posted.

Carrie Underwood is a Winner
Okay, I take back what I said about Carrie's relationship to Jesus. Clearly he's on her side, as she picked up three more honors at the Country Music Awards. She better ask Jesus to build her an addition on the house so she has a place to put all those statues.

And now, predictions:
Bottom three: Phil Stacey, Chris Richardson and (wishful thinking) Sanjaya Malakar.
Going home: Ciao, Phil.

Top 8: The Recap

Welcome to Latin Week, or as I like to call it: The Tribute to Santana and Gloria Estefan. Apparently, judging by this week's song selections, the only exposure this crop of contestants had to so-called Latin music was at the dentist's office or in elevators.

Oh and I totally take back what I said about J.Lo yesterday because she was actually a thoughtful and helpful mentor. I'm big enough to admit when I've been a beaver. Just don't any of you jump on the bandwagon 'cause I'll cut a bitch. I so will. Seriously, don't try me.

Okay, enough with the idle threats and on with the show...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Sway"
As always, I thought Melinda did a fine job with this. Yes, she lacked a smoldering passion but there's only so much heat one can exude when completely devoid of a neck.

Also, I didn't dig Simon jumping all over her tonight. I thought it had less to do with the quality of her performance and more to do with the fact that he wanted to finally rag on her after all this time. Not nice, Simon. Not nice. Point that vitriol at Blake. Boyfriend needs to be taken down a notch or twelve.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Conga" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
OMG, I hated this. Then again, I hate the Gloria Estefan version of this song so LaKisha was up shit's creek from the get-go. Even Paula pooped on it in that way that only Paula can, "First, you look lovely..." and then she went to repeat various iterations of the phrase "safe performance" more times than I can remember. Translation: You sucked balls, Kiki.

Oh, and again with trotting out the gigantic titties! Check these out:

I guess LaKisha figures if bare legs are keeping Haley around, she might as well flaunt her congas, er, I mean cans. I mean breasts. Yes, breasts.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Smooth" by Santana
Oh man, Chris, why'd you have to go and ruin it for me? I was loving you so much and then you had to drag Rob Thomas into it. That's unforgivable and you deserve to be punished. Go see Jess for a spanking.

Haley Scarnato
Performed "Turn the Beat Around" by Gloria Estefan
She sucked, yadda, yadda, yadda. I can't keep coming up with new ways to say this so I won't even try. Instead, here's the requisite hoochie mama shot of Haley and her legs for all you dirty Googlers:

Phil Stacey
Performed "Maria, Maria" by Santana
J.Lo said Phil gave her goose pimples. Not to be outdone, I want you all to know that Creepy Phil makes me shit my pants at least once a week.

Also, Phil doesn't know how to count. His assigned number this week was "5" and lookie how many digits he's holding up during his "appeal."

Good, more votes for Chris Richardson, even though he broke my heart with his Matchbox 20 association.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" by Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
Yet another song I detest. But I do find it promising that Jordin, when asked by a viewer what theme she'd pick for an upcoming show, stated 80s music as her choice. With the exception of Gloria Estefan and that ilk, I adore the 80s music. I think it's a sign.

Jordin, I'll spin you right 'round like a record, baby, round round. I'll stop the world and melt with you. I want you to want me. When a problem comes around, we must whip it. We got the beat and, uh, I've got Bette Davis eyes. Actually, I don't but it sounded good and oh, fuck it. I'm drunk. I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Blake Lewis
Performed "Need to Know" by Marc Anthony
The minute he announced his song choice I yelled, "Ass kisser!" Way to brownie up to the mentor, Blake.

Much to my chagrin, Randy and Simon called it a great song choice and best of the night. Paula stated that the performance "captured the essence of who you are." To which I yelled, "Yeah, a tremendous douche bag copycat!"

I was doing a lot of yelling at the screen tonight. Again, I credit/blame my Tuesday night Riesling habit.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Besame Mucho"
Is it just me or did Sanjaya look just like El DeBarge tonight?

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... LaKisha Jones are in the Bottom Three. Phil, pack your coffin and go.

Top Nine or Something.

In my life I have had no choice but to love Tony Bennett. Not only was he a nice Italian boy from Queens but in the minds of my elders (my Brooklyn Italian grandmother and her sixteen thousand sisters) he is regarded nearly as highly as Sinatra- who, in their minds, ranked second only to The Pope in terms of reverence and devotion. I grew up listening to Tony Bennett as well as many of the masters of American standards. I am not ashamed to admit that I absolutely love this type of music. I listen to the 40's station on XM radio ad nauseum and I proudly list Judy Garland and Ethel Merman among my friends on myspace. Needless to say, I was looking forward to seeing "Ant'ny"(as Grandma used to call him. She called them all by their full names. Francis Sinatra. You get it) I was, however, nervous to see how this group of clowns did with these songs- and after watching I can see that my fears were fully justified. Seriously I am so not into this seasons contestants. Not at all. So here it is.

Blake: Now, Mack The Knife is one of my all time favorite songs. Ever. I think it was pretty bold of Blake to choose this song as it has been covered by every one of the greats. I think he did alright but I was honestly disappointed that he did not do any kind of beatboxing because it would have been interesting to see how it played out. All in all he was alright and I don't see him leaving anytime soon. Oh- and Blake -Ducky Dale just called to challenge you to a plaid pants-off. Seriously. Find some new threads Daddy-o.

Phil: Dude. A goatee. Headband. Earmuffs. ANYTHING. Something to break the monotony of that shiny ball of flesh that is perched atop your neck.

Melinda: Super. Great. She wins. We know.

Chris: I still say that his whole thing is trying (operative word trying) to bite Justin Timberlake...even down to the hat...but he did alright last night. I actually surprised myself by mustering a bit of affection for the lad- then I stabbed myself in the arm with nail scissors.

Jordin: I hate that song. I don't know if she did it well or not because I can't stand that song. I am sure she did fine though.

Gina: While watching her all I could think of was a line from Chris Rock's "No Sex In The Champagne Room" where he said where he said: "If a girl has a pierced tongue - she'll probably suck your dick". I usually don't think of that when I see a tongue ring- as many of my peepys have them, but between the tongue ring and her nearly flashing her hooha on national television in front of millions, I am worried about the example being set for the youth of our nation. That, people, is why I think she should be voted off. It has nothing to do with that I fucking hate her and think she sounds like an 8th grader singing at a junior high talent show. It is for the welfare of our children that I implore America to vote that cunt off the show. Thank you.

Sanjaya: pass

Haley: I can't think of anything to say except that in my lifetime, I hope to never again see mint green sequins.

Lakisha: I echo Jess' sentiment that I hope she mixes it up soon. She is undoubtedly a very, very good singer but it is starting to seem monotonous.

Predictions: Bottom three- Phil, Haley and Chris. Going bye-bye? I think Haley's time has come.

mejack OUT!

Top 9: The Recap (And Poll)

Crikey that was dull. Here's your recap, and don't forget to take the poll.

Blake Lewis: 'Mack the Knife'
I don't know this song, so I can't say what kind of justice Blake did this, but it nearly put me to sleep. I think Blake might actually be in a little of trouble this week, because they tell me Chris Richardson, who is vastly cuter than Blake, did a great job and I think they share a demographic in terms of who votes for them. More on Chris later.

Phil Stacey: 'Night and Day'
Oh, Phil. Phil. I love your voice, and I love this song, and I was expecting magic. I was not expecting wanting to kill myself because the world is such a cold, hard place afterward. Please, Phil, if you last another week, pick a better song.

Melinda Doolittle: 'I've Got Rhythm'
I hate this song. HATE IT. But Mindy Doo pulled it off, as always. I really, really want to see her step outside of her comfort zone at some point, though, because I know she can pull it off and it might differentiate her from Kiki, which she really needs to do, stat.

Chris Richardson: 'Don't Get Around Much Anymore'
Another song I don't know. As y'all know, I think Chris is adorable and it pains me to say this, but I just don't think he's a very good singer. And I don't get why the judges lavish so much praise on him. He can perform, sure, but the voice? It's just not there for me, dawg.

Jordin Sparks: 'On a Clear Day'
She rocked this. I'll let Curly do the gushing on this one. That said, I think she needs a longer length in the jacket. That outfit made her hips look ginormous, and they aren't.

Gina Glocksen: 'Smile'
I wish Gina had showed a little more emotion with this. I mean, the girl's usually a big pile of tears and feelings. What happened? I hope she makes it through, though, and rocks it next week like she did last week. Also, quoth the boyfriend, who watched with me, "I don't know if she should be sitting like that in that dress." She was dangerously close to flashing us some girly bits. Speaking of girly bits… Oh wait, no. Sanjaya's next, not Hayley.

Sanjaya Malakar: 'Cheek to Cheek'
I mean, really, what is there to say about that? Bad vocals, bad hair, great comment by Simon (Let's try a different tactic: That was incredible), bad response by Sanjaya (Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya!). On the bright side, he's clearly in on the joke, and that's kind of funny.

Haley Scarnato: 'Ain't Misbehavin'
Dear Haley: When you decide that your winning strategy is to change your look from white wine spritzers out on the lanai to woman of ill-repute, you can't get all bajiggity when all the comments you get are, "Green's a good color for you" (Paula) and "You've got great legs" (Simon). You are begging everyone to check out your body -- you should be thankful to Paula and Simon for pointing it out for the partially blind people that missed your cleavage and hemline.

Lakisha Jones: 'Stormy Weather'
I guess this was good, but I'm getting a little bored of LaKisha. Like Melinda, I want to see her do something different. I want to know what she's capable of. Mix it up a little, Kiki.

My predictions: Phil, Haley and Blake (or Gina) in the bottom 3. Going home: Phil. Home to a beating that his wife has been waiting to give him ever since he missed the birth of their child to audition. Now, kindly share your thoughts:

Who's Going Home?
	Blake Lewis
	Phil Stacey
	Melinda Doolittle
	Chris Richardson
	Jordin Sparks
	Gina Glocksen
	Sanjaya Malakar
	Haley Scarnato
	LaKisha Jones
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Friday News Update

Chris Sligh is a Quitter
Chris Sligh tells Access Hollywood he was going to quit Idol two weeks before he got the boot. His reason for staying? Money. Specifically the money he's going to earn on the summer tour, which he wouldn't have gotten to go on had he quit the show. That doesn't sound very Christian. Also, the article goes on to say that he was kicked out of the Christian fundamentalist Bob Jones University for attending a "contemporary Christian concert featuring the group 4Him." If anyone can explain that one to me, I'm all ears.

Shyamali Malakar has Boobs
This isn't news, per se, but if you want to see Sanjaya's big sister in a low-cut top bouncing around, well, this is the link for you.

Idol Hopefuls Have Secrets
People got the sixth season finalists to spill the beans about relationships, body images and who they're most excited to be mentored by this season. Blake Lewis talks about how he needs to get laid. No really. He does.

More Idol Conspiracy Theories
I don't remember this happening, but apparently last week Chris Sligh said, "Hi Dave" at the end of his performance. The Dave in question? David Della Terza, founder of Vote for the Worst. Now, some people with a lot of time on their hands are claiming that Sligh wasn't in fact sent home because the American public didn't vote for him, but that it was a behind-the-scenes producer takedown. Yeah, it couldn't have been because he totally sucked or anything.

Chris Sligh Hearts Sanjaya
After getting voted off the show, Chris Sligh said Sanjaya's faux hawk was "killer" and that the public underestimates his talent. Also, Chris Sligh bet Phil Stacey 50 bucks that he was going home, and Phil paid up.

AOL Also Hearts Sanjaya
And they want to give you all the reasons why, complete with a slideshow. It's pretty amusing, actually.

Also, I'd just like to say that I've sort of reversed my stance on Sanjaya Malakar. I'm not going to vote for him, of course, but I feel like he embraced the "I suck" thing this week and decided to be the next William Hung, and I sort of dig him for that. Also, the show's really fucking boring this season, and this controversy is at least shaking things up a little.

Top 10 Recap II: Electric Boogaloo

Even though Jess already brought you all a killer recap and we agree on many, many points (two huge ones in particular, both belonging to LaKisha), there are a few issues on which we part ways. Without further ado, here's my take on the proceedings:

Wow, is it just me or is Gwen Stefani a bit of a social retard when she's not on stage singing and thrashing about in ridiculous outfits most of us with good vision and a shred of self-respect wouldn't be caught dead in?

Perhaps she was the victim of editing but in her interactions with the Top 10, Gwen didn't seem all that warm nor engaged with the contestants. Lulu was totally eating that shit up last week and she sent the girls on their way with sound advice and a shot of confidence whereas Gwen showed little-to-no interest in shepherding them. Maybe Gwen was just bummed that the finalists weren't Japanese and she couldn't exploit their culture and dress them in slutty Catholic school uniforms.

LaKisha Jones
Performed "Last Dance" by Donna Summer
That was good but not all that compelling. LaKisha's proven herself as a powerhouse vocalist but her performance was sort of mechanical and devoid of emotion. The most memorable thing about LaKisha tonight? THOSE BREASTS. LaKisha ain't really my type but oooh lawdy, I wouldn't mind setting up play date with those girls.

Chris Sligh
Performed "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police
Chris is really starting to get under my skin. When he stands before the judges, he has a tendency to be too agreeable when they criticize him. I know I took him to task for the Teletubbies crack in the early rounds, but really, I prefer the smart-ass Chris over the current version any day.

Now he just nods and agrees with everything the judges say in between making excuses and explaining his choices. He also occasionally affects a look that says, "Look at me absorbing and pondering what the judges are saying." And good God, he even scratches his chin sometimes! I know he's trying to be the good guy but it's kind of gross, actually. Bring back the old Chris. Now.

Gina Glocksen
Performed "I'll Stand by You" by The Pretenders
Gina done good. Even though I've pissed on her quite a bit this season, I will give credit where credit is due. Was it a showstopper of Carrie-Underwood-Singing-"Alone" proportions? Well, no, but Gina turned in a memorable performance just the same.

The judges all went gaga over Gina and even crotchety Simon lavished her with praise. "Your transformation from three or four weeks ago to tonight is literally chalk and cheese," Cowell stated.

Because Randy is a barely functional retard with a vocabulary limited to about twelve words and phrases, he couldn't wrap his compromised brain around Simon's phrase so he sat there squawking and belaboring an unfunny exchange with Ryan Seacrest about pairing wine with cheese, not chalk, or some stupid shit like that.

While it's not an expression I've ever uttered, I did the rather rudimentary math and figured it out. It's a pretty quick conversion if you have, say, one functioning brain cell. Randy's just a dumb ass. However, if you're similarly stumped, click here to figure out what Simon meant.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed "Bath Water" by No Doubt
Not even wasting my time with a critique of that bullshit. Instead, let's once again focus on the hair, which I no longer want to brush, FYI...

Haley Scarnato
Performed "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper
What the hell did she do to this song? Why'd she have go and cheese it up beyond recognition? Oh right, because she sucks. Haley (and her annoyingly loud friends in the audience who insisted on yelling over the judges) are done.

Phil Stacey
Performed "Every Breath You Take" by The Police
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to break with my usual style and present my response to Phil's performance in a real time/Kerouac-like/stream-of-consciousness/punctuation-eschewing format:

Oh my God, creepy Phil is being asked a viewer question which means more camera time for him and more rocking in the fetal position for me and oh my God he's singing the creepiest stalker song ever, that freak, Jesus, I can't believe he chose this song... oh, but wait, wait a minute... say, this isn't so bad, actually and his voice is quite nice and ooh he's actually following the lone piece of useful advice Gwen dished out tonight and he's simply sticking to the melody without getting all yelly and screamy and nope, this doesn't suck one bit.

And, exhale! See how I went from truly terrified to all nice and complimentary? Miracles do happen, kids!

Melinda Doolittle
Performed "Heaven Knows" by Melinda Doolittle
At this point, it's a given that Melinda's going to kick the song's ass so let's just go ahead and slap her with another "Awesome!" and move on to her outfit. Simon hated it. I wouldn't go that far but I did take note of it in my big yellow legal pad when Melinda took the stage. "I don't think that's the proper silhouette for her frame," I observed.

I learned that term by watching "Project Runway" and I felt all fancy using it. Ditto for "flavor profiles," which I learned courtesy of "Top Chef," although, admittedly, I didn't take any notes last night about Melinda's flavor profiles because, well, we're looking at and listening to Melinda, not eating her. And other than "Tastes like chicken," I'm not really sure what else I could possibly say about a human's flavor profiles.

Wait, what was my point again?

Blake Lewis
Performed "Love Song" by The Cure
Okay, while they may Jess's number two band, The Cure is most definitely at the top of my list so I may get a bit feisty in the next couple of paragraphs. When Seacrest announced at the beginning of the show that a contestant was tackling a Cure song, I knew right away that it would be Blake. And I knew that mofo was going to pick "Love Song" and I knew he was going to give it the 311 treatment. I'm tired of him getting credit for being fresh and original. He's not! Fuck Paula! Girlfriend earned a high Level o' Crazy number from me tonight merely because she gushed over the "originality" of this shit. It was NOT original. Don't credit Blake for the arrangement. He merely copied what's already been done, somewhat poorly by 311.

This is the same bullshit praise heaped on Taylor last season when he aped Michael McDonald's song stylings and Joe Cocker's spaz-outs and was lauded as "unique" and "original." Last time I checked, that shit was called celebrity impersonation, not originality. If this keeps up, I'm withdrawing my votes for all the current contestants and throwing my support behind Rich Little.

Jordin Sparks
Performed "Hey Baby" by No Doubt
It's a pleasure to watch Jordin, and not just because I think she's cute. She's having fun. And like Simon said, she's getting more confident as the weeks go by. However, she's not surrendering any of her humility or charm as a result. I didn't love the vocal but then again, that song doesn't really demand much of one. She worked the attitude and the sassy outfit all over the stage and didn't embarrass herself in the process. That's my girl.

Chris Richardson
Performed "Don't Speak" by No Doubt
Randy liked Chris's "flavor" and Paula looked all creepy as she cooed, "You're good, Chris, you're good. Just good." I'm not entirely sure she was referring to his singing. Gross. Simon, on the other hand, didn't dig it. And, for once, I have to disagree with him. I actually think Chris did a good job with this song. He's had trouble in the past trying to yank notes up, down, left and right often to awkward effect. But tonight, he seemed to have a bit more control and while his voice does skew a bit nasal at times, I do think it has a nice tone. I'm going to take Chris on as my pet project in the voting department until Rich Little officially enters the race.

Predictions: Phil Stacey, Haley Scarnato and... hmm... tough one again, Chris Sligh are in the Bottom Three this week but it's Haley and her hot gams who's going home.

Two for Two!

At the risk of seeming boastful, can I predict the soon-to-be booted or can I predict the soon-to-be booted?! Admittedly, I've sucked with my bottom three predictions but I have been on the money with my Top 12 cast-off soothsaying. Brandon Rogers? Check! Stephanie Edwards? Affirmative! However, do not mistake my bragging for actual glee because while neither Brandon nor Stephanie would have won the whole damn thing, both of them are more deserving of a spot in the Top 10 than Sanjaya or Haley. Bogus.

Other than that, I really only have one note from tonight's results show:

Peter Noone should never clap his hands or attempt "dancing" in public ever again. Actually, I'm going to extend this ban to private clapping and dancing as well.

What the hell was he doing up there? Like, he kept awkwardly jabbing at the air while bending at the knee to bounce in place. White stereotypes aside, can this really be considered dancing?

And then! Then! Peter Noone executed an unexpected -- and very alarming -- pelvic thrust in the direction of the Idol hopefuls. In one moment, he was giving them an innocuous thumbs up and in the next, he was treating them to an eyeful of his decrepit old man junk. If you ask me, Peter Noone has all the makings of a flasher. How many easy-open rain coats does he have in his closet, I wonder?!

Here's the Top 10 (aka People I'll Violently Boo During the Idols Live! Tour with the Exception of Melinda Doolittle Unless She Does Something between Now and Then to Piss Me Off, Which I Highly Doubt):

1. Melinda Doolittle
2. Gina Glocksen
3. Lakisha Jones
4. Blake Lewis
5. Sanjaya Malakar
6. Chris Richardson
7. Haley Scarnato
8. Chris Sligh
9. Jordin Sparks
10. Phil Stacey

Give Me Time and I Can Rhyme

Haley
Haley's performance draws a total blank
All I recall is that she looked like a skank
She need to get through this week so she can go on tour
I guess she figured the best way was to dress like a whore

Chris R.
If I were him I would run and hide
Or maybe even commit suicide
and never again sing another tune
after being dissed by Peter fucking Noone

Stephanie
She's got a good voice but she is a bit of a drag
for such a young chick she is like an old hag
I dont hate her really- I''m just not a big fan
I usually skip her songs and visit the can

Blake
If I have to sit through more beatbox from this guy
I'd just as well shove a sharp stick in my eye
Last night's performance pretty much stunk
he did not bring the noise, he did not bring the funk

Lakisha
Lakisha, you know I already love you a lot
but last night, Goddamn, you looked really hot
Beautiful dress and about rocks you did sing
and I call them "rocks" because I refuse to say "bling"

Phil
During Tobacco Road sang by the goblin Phil
myself- is who I wanted to kill
the way I see it- if I was dead
I'd never again see that screeching bald head

Jordin
I cannot come up with one single snark
Toward the lovely and elegant Miss Jordin Spark(s)
I know toward Jordin I can't be too surly
Otherwise I will suffer the wrath of Curly

Sanjaya
Can someone tell me why he has not yet been booted?
He is so unbearable that my TV gets muted.
I can't believe so many people vote for this guy
It's like this entire country is high

Gina
(to the tune of Paint It Black)
I hate your haircut and I think your singing's wack
Anyone who liked that must be smoking crack
Let's finally rid ourselves of this poser Ms. Glock
She is not a bad ass and she so does not rock

Chris S.
I don't know what happened- he just really blows
every word he sings comes right out of his nose
I don't mean to offend, I don't mean to be crass
but I have heard better noises come out of my ass

Melinda
I have to agree- not her personal best
yet she remains leagues above the rest
nothing bad can ever be said about Ms. Dolittle
I am not even bothered by the huge spray of spittle

Top 11: The Recap

Because I'm a dedicated servant to American Midol, I've decided to adopt some hard and fast recapping rules going forward. I'm really going to hold myself to them in the hopes of bringing you all a thorough yet entertaining episode recap each week. Are you ready? I hereby promise to down a bottle of white... or red -- all depends upon my appetite -- while watching the performance show. It's the least I can do to uphold the quality and sanctity of this blog. Wouldn't you agree? Thank you in advance for enabling me.

On with the show...

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Tell Him" by Billie Davis
Haley set out to "be more aggressive and not so sweet." Mission accomplished... although not exactly with her song styling. Or as Simon put it, "People are going to be talking about a lot more than your singing tonight." Word, Simon. Did you get a load of the gams on that girl?

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying" by Gerry and the Pacemakers
I didn't love this nearly as much as the judges did. They cited it as Chris's best performance to date. Perhaps I'm too busy focusing on how cute he is to accurately gauge the vocal quality but really, I wasn't all that impressed.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Dusty Springfield
I really really wanted her to do well with this. I feel like Stephanie is talented but she's been cast aside and as such, is struggling with her confidence and her identity. Even though she looks, I don't know, 40, the chick is only 19. I think a lot of people forget that. I want her to hit her stride and have her moment. Alas, I think she's in the bottom three this week.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Time of the Season" by The Zombies
It didn't suck. That's about all the praise I can muster for Blake. He's a douche -- it's obvious -- so he'll get no further accolades from me.

Also, Blake picked a perfectly-crafted song and merely mimicked it, save for the occasional bit of his tired beatboxing. Yeah, he's confident and has swagger but I prefer Melinda's combination of skill and humility, thank you. It's official: Blake can suck it.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "Diamonds Are Forever" by Shirley Bassey
Okay, so LaKisha was decked out in a diamonds worth $1 million. I understand that tie-in. What I don't understand was the kelly green dress. Was that supposed to represent the color of money? Was she giving a shout out to all the bank tellers at her former job? If so, money is more of pine green color, no? Or, perhaps a nice shade of hunter? God, I'm beginning to sound like a J. Crew catalog. Moving on...

Phil Stacey
Performed: "Tobacco Road" by The Nashville Teens
Again, Phil's vocals failed to impress me. Instead, I focused on one thing and one thing only: "What was that crap all over his shirt?" Was he sweating? Did he roll around in Vaseline before getting dressed? I have questions, Phil.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "I Who Have Nothing" by Shirley Bassey
That was AWESOME. I have nothing more to add, except that I yelled at the TV a bit when Jordin told Lulu that she didn't have a boyfriend. When Lulu replied, "You're going to have plenty now!" I took the opportunity to tack on, "And a hot lesbo girlfriend too!"

It could happen. Shut up.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks
I'll give Sanjaya this much... at least he tried to put a little oomph into it. Did it succeed? Well, no. But at least he tried. Once again, though, my attention was rather divided during Sanjaya's performance. Although this time there was no creepy hula dancing or flat-ironed hair to blame. It was Ashley, the crying child, who drove me to distraction:

Ah unrequited, self-destructive, dead-end love... Something tells me Ashley is destined to be the next Grace.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones
Well, that sucked. I won't say any more out of fear of hurting Jess's feelings. She loves her some Gina, see.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "She's Not There" by The Zombies
Similar to the other Chris's performance, I thought this blew chunks and was quite baffled by the praise he received from the judges. Although, Paula, god damn her, was totally right when she criticized Chris's social retardation when dealing with the audience. I can't handle this whole agreeing with Paula thing. I really can't. Fuck you, Chris. It's your fault.

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "As Long As He Needs Me" from the musical, Oliver!
Once again, Melinda turned in a controlled, nuanced performance. Although, she did let fly with a rather generous spray of spit at one point which, in retrospect, was not very controlled at all. Whatever, it was gross but Melinda can still do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. She rules.

Speaking of waterworks, Melinda even inspired another crying fit in Ashley, the disturbed child. Behold:

That girl even got a curtain call during the end credits. Who's HER daddy?! I did notice this pissed-off little girl observing Ashley's sobbing hug-fest with the Idol wannabes...

I can't quite tell by the expression on that girl's face if she's put off by Ashley's display of emotion or if she's thinking, "Who's a big sign-toting girl gotta hump to get some face time with some Idols around here?" I'm guessing it's the latter.

Predictions: Phil, Stephanie... and dare I say it? Sanjaya are in the Bottom 3 but it's Stephanie who is going home this week. Also, I think Ashley will be heavily medicated very very soon.

Top 12: The Recap

The Top 12 mangled, er, I mean sang the songs of one Ms. Diana Ross. Here's a rundown of tonight's mixed bag of crap and cool:

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Can't Hurry Love"
Um, did Brandon even sing tonight? 'Cause I don't remember it. Let's just go ahead and put Brandon in the Bottom Three, shall we?

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "Home"
Yet another masterful performance by the lovely Melinda. I love love LOVE the fact that she welled up when she heard the applause in the bigger auditorium. It genuinely and sincerely blew her away. What a moment for her! I'm glad she was given a little time to bask in it.

But do you know what I love even more? Paula had her first crying fit! This means some much-needed activity in The Scattergram.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Endless Love"
I didn't think it possible to make this song suck, but suck it did. I sort of understand why Chris tried to change it up since the judges have criticized contestants for not adding anything new and interesting when they dared tackle divas like Whitney, Mariah and Celine in the past. But dude, this was bad.

However, I don't know if I agree with blaming the contestants for the sorry arrangements, as was the recurring theme tonight. It seems Chris and the others had significant input but methinks Rickey Minor could have exerted some of his own influence a bit more to make the songs not, you know, suck balls.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Love Child"
I just knew she'd sing this song. I smelled it from a mile away. This is not a song just anyone should attempt. It demands passion, experience, depth and mileage that Gina just does not have. Barring that, it requires a set of brass ones and well, Gina does seem to be equipped in this regard.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"
Can we all please agree to stop voting for this kid? If not, we're going to have keep looking at gruesome images like this:

Stop the torture. Please. Seriously, stop.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "Missing You"
Believe it or not, I'm going to side with Simon on this one... I don't think Haley screwed it up that bad tonight. Yeah, she forgot the words and got flustered but, for the first time, I detected a nice tone in her voice and she actually showed some personality after Simon complimented her. Personally, I think he overpraised her a little bit as a make-good for last week's "I don't remember your name" insult but still, she definitely improved over her previous performances. Even so, I think she's in the Bottom Three.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me"
Recapping Phil's performance would require me to think about him and when I do that, I have to go to a dark, scary place. And I don't wanna. Don't make me.

LaKisha Jones
Performed: "God Bless the Child"
I liked this. I did not, however, like the dress. The vocal was really good but I couldn't really dig in and enjoy it fully because of that white mass on my TV screen. That dress was downright menacing.

Like, it was cool that Diana Ross offered LaKisha some wardrobe suggestions but I just wish she stressed one very important point in particular: White is not at all slimming, Kiki. Not.at.all.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "You Keep Me Hangin' On"
Uh, was I supposed to be all blown away by that? I know that's what Blake was going for and totally expecting. In fact, it looked like he was getting ready for a shower of effusive praise and flowing Paula tears but what he got instead was a rather tepid response.

No doubt he and Gina are moisturizing their chapped asses with lots of Vaseline tonight. Ew, that was a gross visual. Sorry.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "Love Hangover"
Stephanie's voice showed a smooth yet textured quality to it tonight that I hadn't detected before. I was waiting patiently for the tempo shift where she could really let rip but it never happened. Bummer because I think she could have finally established herself. Instead, I fear she's earned a spot in the Bottom Three.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "The Boss"
Okay, so his voice was all over the place and it kind of sucked. I don't care. He's still cute and I love him.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "If We Hold On Together"
Again, I'm with Simon. It was a "gooey" song but she made it work. And did I mention she's beautiful? And stunning? And lovely? It's official: I'm smitten. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy her flowers.

Predictions
Bottom Three: Brandon, Haley and Stephanie
Going Home: Brandon

The Top 12: Love It or Leave It

Well, you've gone and done it now, America. Here's the Top 12 you helped select:

1. Lakisha Jones
2. Blake Lewis
3. Chris Sligh
4. Jordin Sparks
5. Phil Stacey
6. Melinda Doolittle
7. Brandon Rogers
8. Chris Richardson
9. Gina Glocksen
10. Stephanie Edwards
11. Haley Scarnato
12. Sanjaya Malakar

Since Jess did such a kick-ass job recapping the results show, I don't need to! Score! Instead, here are a few select visuals from tonight's episode:

Up first is Jared Cotter acting like a complete douche when informed of his dismissal...

Yo mama, Jared. Yo.mama.

Up next is Paula's stunned response to Sabrina Sloan's ouster...

Coincidentally, I've made that very same face several times this week when I found myself agreeing with Paula's comments.

And here we have Haley Scarnato all crying and shocked-looking, primarily because she knows she's a big ol' waste of space...

Last night, I remarked that Haley had a Marie Osmond thing going on. Tonight's look was reminiscent of a Carol Seaver-era Tracy Gold. What does that have to do with anything, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine.

Lastly, we have Sanjaya Malakar eyeing up Paula after she indirectly expressed dismay at his inclusion in the Top 12...

I'm not going to lie to you... I'm more than a little impressed with the "Bitch, I'll cut you!" face Sanjaya's showing here. I'll be even more impressed if he acts on it. Do it, Sanjaya. DO IT!

Zzzz...Recap...Zzzz

I'm not going to do a full recap, because Curly covered it, but I will say that last night felt like watching a kindergarten talent show, where all the kids are ugly so you can't even enjoy it from a cuteness standpoint. That's not to say the boys are ugly. (Chris R.! Call me!) It's just to say that it was that painful.

Anyway, last night we got the opportunity to learn a little bit about all of our contestants. It was the usual, boring stuff, with the exception of Blake Lewis' "improv" character, Jimmy Walker Blue, which gave me nightmares. Here's what I learned about the contestants last night, not through their video confessions, but through the rest of the show.

Blake Lewis' favorite band is 311. Think about that for a moment, will you? 3-motherfucking-11. While I did like "All Mixed Up" back in the day, I'm not sure I'd call them a particularly solid band. In fact, I bought their CD because of that song, and thought, "Every single one of these songs sounds the same." Oh, wait! NOW I get it…

Sanjaya Malakar has more hair versatility than I do.

Pearl Jam apparently wronged Sundance Head in either this life or one previously.

If he chooses the right song, Chris Richardson is just as capable of boring the shit out of me as every other guy on the show!

Jared Cotter thinks that argyle is sexy.

In some circles, mostly those containing Simon Cowell and well, just Simon Cowell, Brandon Rogers is known almost exclusively as "Travis."

Phil Stacey isn't entirely sure how to correctly use the phrase, "grain of salt."

Chris Sligh just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?

I love how the judges started the show by over praising all the guys, and then couldn't even keep up with it and just sort of gave up because they're really that bad. Dial Idol's got Phil Stacey and Sundance Head in the bottom two, but I'm not buying it. I say bye bye to Jared Cotter and Brandon Rogers. I wish I was saying bye bye to Sanjaya and Sundance, though.

Top 8 Boys: The Recap

Yet another yawn-inducing boys round. However! I recently discovered that my mother is a dedicated American Idol viewer so I watched tonight's show with a whole new perspective. With each contestant, I pondered: What must Mama McDimple be thinking?

Here are my thoughts and some of her proposed ones:

Blake Lewis
Performed: "All Mixed Up" by 311
First of all, I'm not the least bit surprised that Randy and Paula didn't recognize this song. Secondly, even though he changed up the song slightly with the whole beatboxing thing, Blake's version was totally drab. At first I was excited when I realized he was doing 311 but my enjoyment quickly plummeted as Blake succeeded in systematically sucking every bit of life out of the song.

As for my mother, well, she quite likes the reggae, even watered-down white boy versions of it because really, she doesn't know the difference. I'm also thinking she would have enjoyed Blake's checkered pants.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Waiting on the World to Change" by John Mayer
Truthfully, I didn't hear a note of this song. I was too distracted thinking about Sanjaya doing this:

Mama McDimple: While not actually saying it out loud, my mother totally would have been thinking: "Wow, that was really gay."

Sundance Head
Performed: "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam
Pssst, Sundance! Just because the song depicts a massacre, it doesn't give you license to, in turn, do that to the song. Also, what's the point of taking on this song if you don't do the growling "Aye aye aye aye aye aye!" part at the end? That was weak, you big pussy.

Mama McDimple: Ditto.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban
I didn't hate this but I don't really have anything nice to say so I won't say anything at all. Oh, except that Chris is soooooo cute.

Jared Cotter
"If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder
Oh my God! Paula's comment that Jared needs to add some color to his vocals was actually on the mark. And well said! And I actually understood her point! Shit, this means yet another dip in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram. I'm not pleased. Not one bit.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "I Just Want To Celebrate" by Rare Earth
I'm going to give Brandon the Chris Richardson treatment here. It didn't suck but that's about all I can say. Um, did I mention tonight's show was really boring?

Mama McDimple: "Isn't this song from a car commercial?"

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Need You" by LeAnn Rimes
That was fucking weird. Again, Paula was completely right (gah!) when she criticized Phil's lower register. Clearly, it's not his strong suit. To me, it sounded like he was doing a bad Cher impersonation at the beginning of that song. It was like he was trying to reach into the deep recesses of his throat for something deep and smokey but what came out was... God, I don't even know. Would you call it guttural? I have no idea, but whatever it was, it disturbed me immensely.

Mama McDimple: Actually, my mother wouldn't have a comment here. She'd be too busy running around the housing sprinkling holy water because of the evil she just witnessed on the television.

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Wanna Be Loved" by D.C. Talk
I had never heard this song before because, well, Christian rock ain't my thang. Actually, I had no idea Chris was even singing the praises of his own personal saviour until I looked up the song list on AOL Television. Perhaps it's my Catholic guilt kicking in but I'm just going to leave it at that.

Mama McDimple: "If Curly doesn't watch her weight, she's going to end up looking like this guy."

Predictions: This is a tough call in light of last week's AJ tragic ouster but I'm thinking Jared may have finally overstayed his welcome. And, if there's justice, Sanjaya and his flat-ironed hair will do the hula all the way home.

Friday News Update

It's a light news day, people. All anyone wants to discuss is skanky Antonella Barba and how she's still on the show. I apologize in advance for boring you.

Jennifer Hudson up for an NAACP Image Award
Beyonce's up for a few too, so maybe she'll stop making voodoo dolls of Jennifer Hudson and praying to The Dark Lord to wipe her from existence.

Bucky's #1
The video for Bucky Covington's first single, "A Different World," debuted at #1 on CMT's Pure Country Video Playlist. I'm not sure if that's a good thing; as I'm not terribly familiar with either the channel or the show, but it sounds like it's the TRL of country music, in which case, go Bucky!

FOX is #1, Too!
FOX swept the ratings Thursday night, just like it does on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I'm not a ratings analyst, but I don't really get why everyone is so surprised by this.

Ask the Idols
Do you want to know what it is about Phil Stacey that makes him both scary and intensely likeable at the same time? If Sundance Head cries when he watches Bambi? If Blake Lewis knows how awful that hat was? If so, PEOPLE is sitting down with the 'Idol' hopefuls and asking them YOUR questions. If you submit one, and your question is featured, let us know! We won't make fun of you. Promise.

If you need a pick-me-up after all that, check out Kellie Pickler's new breasts:

Top 20: The Boys

Well, that was boring! I set out to write my usual pissy recap of the episode and well... I got nothing. With the exception of the enormous bulge in Jared Cotter's pants, nothing really stood out. And boy, did that stand out! Was he smuggling watermelons or something? While historically I have little to no interest in the male organ, I am impressed with Jared's package nonetheless. Too bad I can't say the same for his singing.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Ain't Missing You" by John Waite
Boooooooooooooooooooooooring.

Jared Cotter
Performed: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
I couldn't really concentrate on Jared's vocals between his ridiculous emoting and that enormous penis protruding through his pants. Despite its impressive stature, I don't think it's enough to save him. See ya, Jared.

AJ Tabaldo
Performed: "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone
Love him. 'Nuff said.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Steppin' Out" by Tony Bennett
Oh, Sanjaya. Yet another rotten song choice, no doubt selected by sissy. And you pulled your hair back into a ponytail, an obvious rejection of my offer to brush it. Why do you have to break my heart like this?

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne
Chris did really well. I have no beef with his performance or his banter with the judges this week. Although, I will say that with my dark plastic frames and head of curls, Chris offers a warning to me to keep my weight in check. I could easily look like his twin sister if I don't lay off the pasta. Methinks I'll have a Slim Fast for lunch and a sensible dinner today. Thanks for the inadvertent glimpse into the future, Chris!

Nick Pedro
Performed: "Fever" by Peggy Lee
I won't waste my time with a critique since he's going home.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai
Not too shabby. I really love his song choices. Maybe he can mentor Sanjaya.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper
God, that sucked. It was nothing more than a background vocal disguised as a lead. Oh, and I think I'm pregnant thanks to Brandon's continued camera fucking. Next week, I'm going to have a rape whistle on hand when I watch the program.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Geek In The Pink" by Jason Mraz
Sure, Chris's dance moves and up-tempo song selection were similar to last week but I.don't.care. He's still my favorite.

Sundance Head
Performed: "Mustang Sally" by Mack Rice
Despite his family's advice to be less "crappy," this week's performance failed to get Sundance out of the shitty zone. It proves that he's not only a singer of questionable talent, but also a miserable failure for a son.

Predictions: Bye, Nick Pedro! Pack your weiner and go, Jared.

News and Other Silliness

AOL has their drag-and-rank feature up and running. Blake Lewis is in the lead. Surprisingly, Jared Cotter made the top six. I can barely even remember his performance, and when he first took the stage, I turned to my cat and said, "Who the fuck is that?" Vote here.

Simon and Paula may have dubbed Seattle the worst of the worst, but now that all's said and done, five semifinalists came from there. Granted, Rudy Cardenas was one of them, but still. (TV Squad)

Jennifer Lopez will be hitting the Idol stage on April 11th, which I can only assume is my own personal birthday present. Hopefully, she won't be wearing this. (London Net)

Vote for the Worst has named their first target of the season: Sundance Head. At least it's not Sanjaya. He may have sucked last night, but he's a cutie patootie.

Vote for the Worst has also uncovered the truth about Antonella Barba: She's a drunken whore (NSFW). Oh come on, she's from Jersey. Obviously she's a drunken whore.

Fantasia Barrino will perform on this Thursday's live show, and make a "special announcement." I don't know about you, but the suspense is just killing me. (Charlotte Observer)

Dial Idol has their predictions in. Top 3: Sundance Head, Sanjaya Malakar and Chris Richardson (aka My Future Baby-Daddy). Um, Sundance and Sanjaya? For reals? I hate America already.

John Peter Lewis, like, rules and stuff. (PR Newswire)

mejack recap

Not really impressed yet. At all. Some thoughts on last night's performances:




Rudy: Dude. Free Ride? Really? You can see that this guy made a stellar effort but all that song did for me was make me want to look for my copy of "Dazed and Confused" to watch after the show was over.

Brandon: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TRYING TO SEX UP THE CAMERA. This guy has a foxy Lenny Kravitz/D'Angelo thing going on but he is NOT going to gain my affections by making fuck me eyes at the camera. All I could think about was all the people who watch this show- like mothers and grandmothers- and that he was, for all intents and purposes, making sexy eyes at my mom. GROSS.

Sundance: Now this guy was an early favorite of mine but he has pretty much sucked since his first audition. Last night was no exception. I felt bad for him. If he makes it through he has to seriously kick some ass.

Paul Kim: Ok. first of all don't come out and say "Come On Y'all!" to the audience like you are going to sing some great crowd pleasing anthem and then break out "Careless Whisper". Just don't. Boooooooo.

Chris Richardson: I'm not seeing the appeal. He reminds me of my lab partner from high school. He seems like a very nice guy but he is awfully vanilla. I guess his performance was ok but I agree with Simon that his voice was not big enough.

Nick: Big smarmy, sissypants. Ew.

Blake: Right now he is my favorite. Go Blake. I will say however, that I don't think he gave as great a performance as the judges said- but then again everyone pretty much blew ass so I guess his was good in comparison.

Sanjaya: I felt bad for this kid. The judges were way harsh. He has such a nice face I got upset when they were so mean to him. I did not think his song was that much worse than the others. I voted for him.

Chris Sligh: Probably NOT the best idea to rip on Simon (and make him UNCOMFORTABLE) but still- this guy is hilarious. His song was ok. I still can't help but think of Jack Osbourne when I see him.

(Sidenote- Simon can dish it out but TOTALLY can't take it. HA. Don't worry Simon, you are still my homeslice)

Jared: Blah. Lite FM

AJ: I loved AJ. I honestly think he was the best.

Phil: I don't know what it is about this guy that freaks me out. His voice is pretty good but he has those weird bug eyes. I also think it's pretty sad that he chose to stay at the auditions while his wife was in labor. I have to say that if my husband missed the birth of our baby because he was trying out for American Idol he would never make it to Hollywood because he would be DEAD.


All in all, I am not really loving any of these guys. No one totally nailed any of their songs. I would say AJ came the closest but then again what do I know.

predictions: Rudy, Paul OUT

Top 12 Boys: The Recap

Mmm... Top 24. We finally made it. Gawd, it took long enough. But far be it from me to be a further cock tease so let's get down to business. Here's how the Top 12 boys fared tonight:

Rudy Cardenas
Peformed: "Free Ride" by The Edgar Winter Group
Oh my God, that was horrendous. Dude, Randy, the ass munch to end all ass munches, called you "corny." How can you ever recover? You can't. Leave now. Don't even show up for the results show. Seriously, go.

Brandon Rogers
Peformed: "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson
Brandon is this season's official Camera Fucker. He follows in the footsteps of Justin Guarini, Constantine Maroulis and Ace "Lookie at My Scar" Young. Um... not exactly the best company to be keeping, Brandon. But you seem like a nice fella so I'll spare you a bitch slap, even though your song sucked ass. Do better next week. Might I suggest less camera fucking and more note hitting? Give it a whirl, why don't ya?

Sundance Head
Peformed: "Nights in White Satin" by The Moody Blues
Oh, Vagina Beard... what a horrific mess you've become! I believe Simon summed it up best: "I don't like you tonight." Actually, I wasn't too keen on you during the Hollywood Week neither. What the hell happened to you?!

Several weeks back I likened Sundance to Meat Loaf because I think they're both fat fucks. Little did I realize back then that the comparison would run much deeper than dimpled flab.

In tonight's outing, Sundance affected a Meat Loaf-like yelp as well as some dramatic hand gestures and flourishes for good measure. All that was missing was the handkerchief and that chick with the black curly hair who sing-talks to Meat Loaf in several songs on the Bat Out of Hell album. Speaking of which... don't get any ideas, Sundance! Take my advice and stay away from "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" or ew, "Heaven Can Wait." Nothing good can come of it. And don't get any fancy ideas about singing Styx or Blue Oyster Cult neither. You've been warned.

Paul Kim
Peformed: "Careless Whisper" by Wham!
Yet another train wreck. Not the most auspicious start to the season, I must say. Paul not only irritated my ear drums with his attempted falsetto, but he also incurred my wrath by executing the dreaded "touch the pretend headphone" gesture mid-screech. There's nothing in your ear, shit head. But if I had my way, my foot would be. Stop the pantomiming! And get yourself some shoes! No one wants to see your gnarly bare feet.

Actually, I take that back. Don't heed my generous and helpful advice. You bore and sicken me simultaneously. Be gone.

Chris Richardson
Peformed: "I Don't Want To Be" by Gavin Degraw
I love.. no, ADORE Chris. His song was nowhere near perfect but he's adorable and looks like he's having fun and totally enjoying the experience. He could very well be my favorite this season. Chris will be treated with kid gloves by me. Anyone who dares besmirch his good name will know no such dispensation. I'll house your ass(es).

Nick Pedro
Peformed: "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx
Nick gets points for saying "Vote for Pedro" instead of doing the annoying "Call me!" gesture at the end of his performance but I have to immediately retract those points because he sang a Richard Marx song. Don't do that ever again, Nick. Ever.

Blake Lewis
Peformed: "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane
I love that Blake selected a Keane song. I was worried that he'd bust out the beat box yet again but he pleasantly surprised me with his song choice and competent delivery. I'm still a bit iffy about his personality but I won't quite add him to my shit list just yet. However, he does have serious dickhead potential. He could easily become a loathsome figure. The jury's still out but as far as tonight goes, he's okay by me.

Sanjaya Malakar
Peformed: "Knocks Me Off My Feet" by Stevie Wonder

Dear Sanjaya,
Don't let your sister select your songs anymore... because she clearly hates and resents you. I, however, do not. Nor does Jess. She sent me a text message during the show informing me that she "[wants] to smush" you. No, don't be scared! It's a good thing. It's similar to her desire to eat cute babies and crush the skulls of adorable puppies. No really, it's a compliment! We both think you're adorable. Say, can I brush your hair? Wait, why are you crying? Come back! It's okay. We mean you no harm. Come baaaaaaaaaaack! Resist your sister!

Chis Sligh
Peformed: "Typical" by Mute Math
I like Chris. I really, really do but I didn't quite care for his backtalk to Simon tonight. Insolence does not suit him, particularly when it sounds rehearsed. I like my barbs and comebacks sharp and quick-witted, which his usually are. Don't be so cheeky, Chris.

Jared Cotter
Peformed: "Back at One" by Brian McKnight
I did not enjoy this performance. Hell, I don't even remember enough about it to write something snotty. So I won't. God, I love editorial freedom.

A.J. Tabaldo
Peformed: "Never Too Much" by Luther Vandross
I think A.J. is adorable. I didn't love his song tonight but he's exuberant and eager and well, even a cranky beeyotch like me can recognize that. Good luck, A.J.

Phil Stacey
Peformed: "I Could Not Ask for More" by Edwin McCain
This is perhaps the most bipolar performance I've ever witnessed, ever. It started out in the shit house and found its way to fucking awesome before long. Also, I think Phil is kind of a doofus but I dig the way he graciously and wisely listened to Simon's critique. He's a good boy.

Wow, I'm getting soft. Actually, no, it's just fatigue setting in. It's late and I appear to be running low on my piss and vinegar reserves. We can't have that! I'll be good and tanked up for tomorrow night's take down of the girls. But, before I go...

Predictions
Because two contestants are sent home in this round, I'll forgo the usual Bottom Three prediction and cut right to the chase. I predict Rudy Cardenas and Paul Kim will be the first to get the boot. Good riddance!

An Episode Recap, News and Lame Excuses

Okay, so that whole posting my Tuesday night episode recap on Wednesday never quite materialized. Being bitter about being single on Valentine's Day takes up a lot of time and energy so lay off and show some compassion, scavengers.

Here's your mish-mash of tardy recaps and headlines...

Tuesday
How is it that the tedious auditions were stretched thin over two hours on several occasions yet the delicious drama-inducing Hollywood Round was crammed into a measly 60 minutes?! I usually welcome the bickering, the verbal slapfests, the backbiting, the fucked up lyrics, etc. from the Group Round but that footage was carved up beyond recognition. Idol producers, you are testing my already-thin patience.

The Matt Sato storyline was rather awkward, what with all the calls to Mommie Dearest back home and his inability to find a group to sing with. I really thought he'd make it through with all the camera time. Alas, he was sent packing back to his emotionally bankrupt mother. Poor Matt. On the bright side, I was happy to see that he no longer had shit all over his nose like he did during his initial audition. Get a hold of some Retin-A, did ya, Matt?

Amanda Coluccio actually made me laugh by boldly proclaiming, "I'm going to shit my pants!" during a commercial bumper. But do you know what made me laugh even harder? When she got cut. Heeeeee-larious!

The rendition of "How Deep Is Your Love?" by Chris Sligh, Rudy Cardenas, Thomas Lowe and Blake Lewis was awesome. For once, I didn't bark "Oh, sit down!" when Paula gave a standing ovation. I was in agreement with Paula. Oh, good heavens. The chances of that happening again? About as likely as Paula passing a pee test with flying colors.

Nicole Turner was the final contestant of the day. Her mother got all Mama Rose on her and strong-armed her into singing a song that was so crappy, I can't even identify it. Needless to say, Nicole fucked it up royally and tried to explain what happened to the judges. Her argument held no water but she was adamant about stating her case. Hell, if my mama was standing behind me with a big ol' cane like that, I'd try to sell it too. I think it's safe to say someone got her ass whupped when she got home.

Wednesday
The Top 24 have been announced! We finally separated the wheat from the chaff, boys and girls. Ew, chaff. I just decided I don't like that word. It just sounds gross. It is hereby banished from my vocabulary. My weird hang-ups are just darling, aren't they though?

Here are the semifinalists:
Men: Chis Sligh, Sanjaya Malakar, Brandon Rogers, Philip Stacy, Blake Lewis, Rudy Cardenas, Paul Kim, A.J. Tabaldo, Nicholas Pedro, Chris Richardson, Jared Cotter and Jason "Sundance" Head.

Women: Melinda Doolittle, Gina Glocksen, Haley Scarnato, Jordin Sparks, Stephanie Edwards, Leslie Hunt, Alaina Alexander, Sabrina Sloan, Lakisha Jones, Nicole Tranquillo, Amy Krebs and Antonella Barba.

I know you don't believe me because I've dicked you around time and time again but the rest of my thoughts on tonight's show are coming later. Pinky promise. I swear on the moon and the stars above. This time I mean it.

Moving on to headlines...

American Idol cast-off, Robyn Troup, makes beautiful music with Justin Timberlake at the Grammys. Um, I'm guessing it was beautiful because I totally didn't watch. (People.com)

Vindication! Seems I'm not the only one who left reeling by the warp-speed Hollywood round. MTV's got my back, yo. Wow, that's sad. (MTV.com)

Playing the ponies is passé. Only pussies can be found at the track. The real high rollers are laying down some serious coin on American Idol. No, seriously. They are. (Gambling911.com)

Was Season 6 Idol reject, Tom Lowe booted for hitting a few bad notes or for baring his buns in a racy spread? Oh man, I just said "buns." If you'll excuse me, I'm off to hang my head in shame... (The Advocate)