Recap: New York/Puerto Rico Auditions--always the hurricanes; blowing

Question!

Which of the below items does Fox most sorely owe me after last night's Puerto Rico and New York Idol auditions?

-- Cochlea Implants

-- $9.99 for the West Side Story soundtrack I just bought on itunes

-- Choreographed Magic!

If you guessed Choreographed Magic!, then damn straight. Because if there's one thing this theater nerd despised about this episode, it was trotting out the whole, "zomg, dueling Puerto Rico/New York auditions on the same night—just like West Side Story!" without FULLY COMMITING to the bit. You planted this bed of overcooked lasagna, producers—lay in your cheese. It's not like you don't have two long lines of fame-hungry over actors at your disposal. I want some stand-in Sharks, Jets, and a lot of well-timed snapping. It would have been so easy.

Unsurprisingly, I had to settle for a sadder sack of "fast-paced" New York vs. "nearing congestive heart failure" Puerto Rico stereotypes, further exacerbated by the show's constant flipping back and forth between the two islands. See, that's makin' my life hard, Idol, or at least super annoying.

But onward, fellow stage combat enthusiasts:

Kicking off the New York segment of last night's episode was 19-year-old Bronx native Adeola Adegoke, fan of Mariah and Mary J., quitter of day jobs, and an awful, awful singer. After four quick "no's" from the judges following her failed rendition of "And I am Telling You," Simon was strangely emphatic about calling Adeola's boss on her behalf to ask for her job back. But I was more perplexed by Randy's comment that singing "wasn't her skeeze." If someone could enlighten me on where one finds 'skeeze' aside from dirty old man bars, I'm all ears. Hollywood Verdict: Not happening.

Then we moved to San Juan to meet 20-year-old Jorge Nunez. Jorge was talented, dimply, and singing in a foreign language, so of course the judges were impressed, though they asked if he could sing something in English to cement their decision. Cue the following pearl of wisdom from Kara: "I felt your pronunciation wasn't as strong in English." Oh, no kidding, sage one, the Spanish speaker wasn't as strong outside of his first language? Simon schooled Kara right quick, elaborating that if they didn't want accents they would go to Omaha. But you already went to Omaha, remember guys? Good times. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Next was 20-year-old Jessika Bair from Michigan, singing Celine Dion's "I surrender." Spell-check and I are equally resentful of that unnecessary "k" by the way. Jessika is apparently great at winning other contests of questionable prestige and won the chance to audition in Puerto Rico accompanied by ten other friends/family members, all of them smart enough to lie their way to a free vacation by telling her of COURSE she is awesome and totally talented. Nope, said the judges, calling her over-the-top performance shrill. Cue excessive whining and pleading, which always goes over so well with that set. Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

We then got a montage of equally sucky, indignant San Juanians before panning back to New York for the living embodiment of Beck's Nightmare Hippie Girl in the way of 21-year-old Melinda Camille singing "Feeling Good." Melinda sang fine, but whatever. Here were some of the phrases being tossed around during the audition, assuming my whole ‘stabbing mechanical pencil into eardrum' routine didn't too grossly impair my hearing: shift in universe; souls; dancing; naked; uplifting; naked; Randy naked; vitamin boost. Had enough? Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go (no exclamation).

Onto 21-year-old Jackie Tohn, a female Elmer Fudd in high-tops doing a ridiculously shtick-y rendition of "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. The judges nixed Jackie's first song choice, imploring her to use her "normal voice" for the second song, which was still just okay. Lucky for her, a deus ex machina by way of crappy production values saved Jackie when pieces of the set behind the judges came crashing down. Flustered, they gave her a pass, but methinks she won't be long in Hollywood land. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Back to San Juan for some eye-rolling nonsense in the way of 23-year-old Joel Contreras, a giant cardboard iPod wearing time waster and consummate tool. It doesn't matter what he sang, and that's what's so frustrating about these faux-ditions. I thought this was supposed to be the new, less tool infused Idol? Why are we still giving these morons airtime? Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

Ditto for a swift cut back to New York to watch 27-year-old Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell butcher "And I am Telling You." The only redeeming facet of this segment:

Unfavorable remark from Simon
Norman Gentle: You hurt me where you get kicked sometimes!
Simon: I would have thought you'd like that.
Norman Gentle: You mean the way you like it when Seacrest does it?

Ho Ho! No Norm McDonald, perhaps, but this Norman's act is enough to elicit cackling and seal-claps from Paula, and we all know that when Paula laughs, Jesus smiles and an angel earns her pleather bustier. So incredibly, Nick/Norman/Cocoa Puffs got a golden ticket. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go (?)

Back in Puerto Rico, 9-year-old Christopher blows the judges away. He's so adorable! So articulate! He brought a seashell for them, but then the seashell broke! Oh, Hagatha over there? That would be his 16-year-old sister, contestant Monique Garcia Torres singing "You Can't Hurry Love." Monique was actually pretty cute herself and possessed a decent, if underdeveloped, voice, but the judges weren't entirely convinced. Lucky for Monique, they were so smitten with little Christopher that they agreed to give her a pass. Question for their future therapists: which of the two will be most mind warped when telling this anecdote—Christopher for being a blatant pawn, or Monique for needing one to make it to the next stage of the competition? Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Oh, former psychotic contestant from Philly, 24-year-old Alexis Cohen. The Idol producers totally conned you into this "brand new woman" persona for the New York auditions, didn't they? Lame, lame, lame, especially considering that the "new, lady-like" Alexis in a dress was even more disturbing than the first -- kind of a cross between Alex from The Real Housewives of NYC and a recovering meth addict on Intervention. Well "Alexis Doolittle" was just as unappealing the second go-around while warbling "Like a Prayer." After thanking the judges for being unanimously panned, she curtseyed and demurely ducked out of the audition room. Ha ha, nope: there's only so much you can suppress the crazy, people. Eventually it comes flying out in matching flipped birds and f-bombs, which was totally the case here. Nice try, Alexis! For what it's worth, I think Simon genuinely loves you. Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

For the last audition, we crawled back to San Juan, where everybody was fast asleep from their own mind-numbing boringness. 20-year-old Patricia Lewis Roman tried to put some pep in out step with her rendition of "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" to no real avail. Still, the judges were feeling benevolent and decided to wave Patricia through, a decision that was met with much fanfare by the fifty bajillion people waiting for her outside the audition room, making her the last acceptance of the day. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Thus concludes this turf-war of mediocrity-smoke in your pipe and put THAT IN, folks!

Next week... HOLLYWOOD!

Recap: Salt Lake City Auditions

Last night's round of screeching tools and modestly-talented peeps took place in the land o' David Archuleta, otherwise known as Salt Lake City. There were lots of mentions of how nice and "aw shucks" the entire city is but not one polygamy joke or reference to creepy compound living. I feel cheated.

Randy Jackson totally didn't know what state he was in and then said some crap about a salted lake. I think. I don't know. As usual, I mostly tuned him out. Paula seemed a little too excited about the city's tie-in with High School Musical. I have no point of reference with that movie so I can't expand on that thought further. Kara didn't really say or do much. And some local girls went nuts over Simon, which restored my faith in the universe as it was completely rocked the previous night with the hero's welcome Randy got in Jacksonville. Note to self: Don't go to Jacksonville. Ever.

Here are the evening's notables:

David Osmond
Performed: "Something Within Me" by Take 6
The last name is not a coincidence. David is the son of Alan Osmond, the big-toothed older brother of Donnie. Oh wait... that just about describes all the Osmonds.

David did a good job. He seems like a nice fella. The judges agreed but not before Paula and Randy gave him some shit about the song he chose. Kara and Simon then chimed in with some more toothless criticism but, really, I think they were told to string him along to create the illusion that he wasn't a shoo-in because of his last name. Oh give me a break. Were they really going to pass up an Osmond and all those potential money shots of Donnie and Marie sitting in the audience cheering him on? Don't insult us.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Tara Mathews
Performed: "One Day I'll Fly Away" from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack
Tara is a goth, by American Idol standards. Which means she scowls a lot and shops at Hot Topic. So cutting edge! Tara also claimed to have ESP. She said she knows when people are going to die. Oddly enough, she didn't foresee the gruesome murder of "One Day I'll Fly Away." Suspect skills there, Tara!

Also, Tara, sweetie, check your lipstick before standing before a panel of judges and millions of home viewers. It was all speckled and cakey-looking. If it was ordered chaos like Robert Smith's, I'd maybe forgive you. But that was a colossal cosmetic failure of Wet 'n' Wild proportions.

Naturally, all the judges thought she was a ridiculous waste of time. Tara sulked out and flipped off the camera while punctuating her obscene gesture with a flatly-delivered, "Word out. Word out." Is that some secret Utah goth lingo that I'm unaware of?

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood and, if I had my druthers, she'd hustle on over to Sephora to get some real lipstick.

Rich Kagel
Performed: ???
I have no idea what Rich attempted to sing. I was too transfixed by his crossed eyes and Cowardly Lion-meet-Vincent-from-Beauty and the Beast-like mane.

Verdict: Denied.

Chris Kirkham
This was the dude with the big pink bunny and the Simon face fan. I've decided that my policy toward such gimmicks is much like that of sporting events on broadcast TV. If some douche runs onto the field or causes a ruckus, the cameras deliberately do not show the perpetrator so as not to encourage copycats. I am hereby adopting the same approach. No further attention from me. Next!

Frankie Jordan
Performed: "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse
There are several contestants every season that I quickly earmark for relentless nitpicking and utter contempt should they make it through to the later rounds. Frankie is already on that list. Better pack a cup, Frankie.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Megan Corkrey
Performed: "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" from Show Boat
Megan was given the back story video treatment, complete with, ew, Collective Soul bed music. When Ryan began his dramatic voice over, I braced myself for a tragic tale of horrific death and/or dismemberment. What cruel fate befell Megan, you ask? Um, she was just divorced. Don't get me wrong -- it sucks and I feel for Megan, I do. I just hate the show's need to create some juicy back story when there isn't one. Stop crying wolf, assholes. And stop inciting some weird sort of blood lust within me where I feel disappointed if there isn't some sort of freak construction accident or something.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Andrew Gibson
Performed: "Oh Let Me Fly" by... uh, I dunno
Andrew wasn't interesting enough for an entire paragraph so I'm going to rehash my live tweet: Andrew = Pimply Ray Romano. That's all you need to know.

Verdict: Nobody loved Raymond.

Austin Sisneros
Performed: "When I Look to the Sky" by Train and "It Takes a Village" by Raffi
Austin is the senior class president of what looks like a nerdier version of Rydell High. But instead of greased-up burnouts, it's a gang of sweater-clad, over-achieving geeks who lettered in debate and student government running the school.

Austin said he auditioned "to inspire people and to tell them it's okay to follow their dreams." Um, because there weren't thousands of people already turning out in cities across the country to do this for the past eight seasons? Thanks for blazing the trail, Austin!

Ugh, what a douche.

Despite selecting "the worst songs so far," according to Simon, Austin made it through. The judges thought he was charming and likable. I personally wanted to kick him square in the balls.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood and joining Frankie Jordan at the top of my shit list.

Taylor Vaifanua
Performed: "Joyful Joyful" by, um... a church choir near you
The only thing I really remember about this audition is that Taylor is 5'11" and she did a wee hula dance. Oh, and Kara saw Taylor practicing in the bathroom a few times so that meant that Taylor "really want[ed] it." And here I thought it just meant that Taylor and Kara were on the same pee-pee schedule.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Rose Fleck
Performed: "I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King
At last! A heart-tugging back story and not some half-baked bullshit! Rose's father passed away when she was 13. Her mother died two years later in a car accident, which is truly awful. But now Rose lives with her best friend's family and they're one big, happy and supportive extended family. It warms my cold, dead heart, it does.

I can't say I loved her singing voice, but what she lacked in vocal power, she made up for with charm. The judges agreed and unanimously shipped her off to Hollywood.

Up next: New York City and San Juan and then that's it for auditions! Bring on the caterwauling, crying and catfights of Hollywood Week!

Jacksonville Audition Recap

"Idol" headed to Jacksonville, Florida to check out the local talent last night, and they -- as well as those of us suffering at home -- found it sorely lacking. In fact, it might have been the worst two days of auditions in "Idol" history. And to make matters even worse, it was boring. When the judges are the most entertaining part of the show, you might want to start looking into some new cities for next year.

In case you thought I was exaggerating about how bad Jacksonville sucks, here's all you need to know about this city -- they worship Randy Jackson. Like, they want to build a giant statue of him in the town square and take turns humping it. And even though he was sporting a florescent t-shirt decorated with palm trees, I bet they STILL love him. It has something to do with Journey or something. Now, I love Journey as much as the next gal. More, actually. I once developed a crush on a boy after having a heartfelt hour-long discussion of our shared love of Journey at a party. But the fact that Randy Jackson was in Journey is a small bit of trivia that I keep stored in the back of my brain next to the names of Britney Spears' children and Warrants' discography.

Let's get on to the suckage, shall we?

Joshua Ulloa, 22 years old, Beverly Hills, FL, tile layer
Joshua looks like Justin Guarini, and has an okay voice, but he's a GIANT douche, what with the sunglasses inside and the fake harmonica and the beat-boxing. He sings "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye and he's going to Hollywood, even though he should have been eliminated due to his abuse of both gimmicks and my delicate sensibilities.

Sharon Wilbur, 25 years old, Jacksonville, FL, non-profit administrator
Sharon has one of those little rat-dogs that I hate, Sasha, which she hands over to the judges while she sings "Superstar" by Karen Carpenter. She's pretty underwhelming, and because I'm so bored I can't stop staring at Kara DioGuardi's cleavage. She and Paula do that fake-making-out thing again, and one of her girls almost falls out. I have to say, I much prefer the innuendo between Simon and Ryan. It all feels very drunk-girls-at-a-frat-party to me. Sharon's going to Hollywood.

Dana Moreno, 24 years old, West Palm Beach, FL, college student
Dana's outfit is fascinating. She's wearing a red satin, off-the-shoulder mini-dress, possibly with exposed black bra straps, and a black fedora. She does unspeakable and tangibly uncomfortable things to Chaka Khan's "Through the Fire."

Kaneswa Finnie, 16 years old, Jacksonville, FL, student
Poor Kaneswa. She seems like a sweet girl, but she can't sing, and her either tone deaf or cruel mother encourages her. She sings Anita Baker's "Caught Up in the Rapture" with a "pum pum pum" thrown in here and there that's vaguely reminiscent of the "Little Drummer Boy." the judges rightly call her mother in afterward to tell her how badly her daughter sucks.

Julissa Veloz, 19 years old, Orlando, FL, sales associate
Julissa wants to be the first Latina American Idol, and she's wearing a sash that says "candidate" for the Miss Florida Latina USA pageant. I'm guessing she didn't win, because then she'd have the "winner" sash, right? Anyway, she's wearing a tiara and a silver minidress, and of course we all expect her to be terrible. Then she opens her mouth and sings Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing," and she's pretty good. Not great, but pretty good. She's also a total dork with a strange laugh and I secretly love her and she's going to Hollywood. Paula has some sort of meltdown during the judging deliberation and walks off, and Julissa talks her down and convinces her to come back.

Darin Darnell, 28 years old, Houston, TX
Darin took a shitload of ecstasy before auditions, fell in love with a boy he met on line, lost said boy to the cruel politics of eliminations, started to come down and began crying about the hopelessness of it all, came to the realization that no one understands him, and no one ever WILL understand him, and than squeezed out the words to "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye" by Boyz II Men while silently weeping, only to be sent home, where he vowed never to take drugs -- or try to sing in public -- again.

And… day two! Kara has found new and interesting ways to show off her cleavage this time with some sort of cutout and pulley system. We get it, Kara. You're young and hot and have BREASTS. Duly noted.

Naomi Sykes, 25 years old, Tampa, FL, food server
In what's possibly the strangest five minutes of "Idol," ever, Naomi sings "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton while her best friend sits on Randy's lap, Paula sits on Simon's lap, and Ryan bounces uncomfortably on Kara's lap. Naomi sounds worse than Eric Cartman did when he sang it on "South Park." Her friend is trying not to crack up the entire time, and Simon (and I) assumes she's kidding, but when he calls her on it, she loses her shit and CRIES. Everyone jumps up to hug her because she's clearly unstable. I also think her BFF secretly hates her.

Jasmine Murray, 16 years old, Starkville, MO, student
Jasmine is the youngest of six. She's pretty, and polished, and sings Fergie's verson of "Big Girls Don't Cry," and it's good, but boring, and she's going to Hollywood.

George Ramirez, 18 years old, Jacksonville, FL, college student
George has a giant hard-on for physics. He sings the dreariest version imaginable of "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves, and it's so bad that it crosses over into hilarious, and therefore, makes me feel like I actually AM walking on sunshine. And I bet that was his scientifically-orchestrated plan all along.

Anne Marie Boskovich, 22 years old, Nashville, TN, waitress
Anne Marie is completely starstruck over Kara. No really, I said Kara. K-A-R-A. I'm willing to forgive her for that, though, because she's the only legitimately awesome singer Jacksonville has to offer. Because the show is boring, Simon gives her some bullshit about how she needs to come back and audition as a different person instead of sending her straight to Hollywood. So she takes off her denim jacket, convinces a wandering makeup gypsy to slap some eyeliner on her, and comes back at the end of the show to sing "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. And she's still awesome, and she's going to Hollywood. Thanks for the show filler, Ann Marie!

T.K. Hash, 23 years old, Concord, NC, administrator
T.K. auditioned last season and didn't make it, so he's back with David Archuleta's version of "Imagine." It's good, and boring, and he's going to Hollywood.

Michael Perrelli, 18 years old, Orlando, FL, "musician"
Michael is a big whiny baby who gets weepy when he's told he can't audition with his guitar. Because he, like, sleeps with it and stuff. He sings mediocre song "Jumper" by mediocre band Third Eye Blind, and his rendition is slightly less than mediocre. Oh, and he's wearing a smiley face backpack that he mugged a 13-year-old Japanese girl for. Not going to Hollywood. Aside: Is Bret Michaels bringing back the bandanna? Because I am NOT down with that. Michael also throws a tantrum on the way out and totally disses his mom. He's a brat and a half.

Is it Hollywood week yet? Deep breath… almost here…

Recap: Louisville Auditions

Sorry so late with this recap. I'm still suffering from an Inauguration hangover. No, I wasn't among the throngs celebrating in Washington D.C. (sadly). Instead, I was working into the wee hours of the morning helping report on really important stuff... like who designed Michelle's outfits throughout the day (Isabel Toledo and Jason Wu, respectively). I hate that my already-cluttered and increasingly-feeble mind is bogged down with information like this.

Speaking of, I'm listening to the iTunes right now and it's on a truly random shuffle. While I'm sad to report that I'm prone to misplacing things like keys and eyeglasses mere moments after setting them down, I can still remember every single solitary word to "Science Fiction/Double Feature" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack. And I can give that Barry Bostwick a real run for his money with "Dammit Janet." Seriously, Barry. Suck it. I gots to find myself some Rocky-related karaoke. It's a shame to let a talent like this go to waste.

I suppose I should start recapping the show, huh? But auditions are soooooooo boring. I would so rather talk about musicals centered around horny transsexual alien scientists who build beautiful men they can gay deflower mere minutes after their "birth"... Alas, that's not what I'm not paid to do here. Sigh. Okay, so... on with the show.

Last night's 60 minutes of torture came to us from Churchill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky. After being schooled by the locals on the proper way to pronounce their fine city (some crap about sounding like you need to clear a big ol' loog in your throat) we were beaten over the head with every Kentucky Derby reference known to man. Ew and then footage of people doing air guitar. I wanted to die. Correction: I wanted to kill those assholes first... and then die.

Here are the hi- and lowlights:

Tiffany Shedd
Performed: "Hero" by Mariah Carey
Let's go ahead and add Tiffany to the pile of talentless schmucks with absolutely no idea how bad they actually are. Tiffany's parents were there lending their full support, as they no doubt have done throughout Tiffany's life. They probably show up at school every time Tiffany does poorly on a test and they yell at the teacher and complain to the principal and try to get the poor teacher fired. Because the problem is never Tiffany. It's everyone else. Not their precious Tiffany. It's no coincidence that in addition to a horrendous singing voice, Tiffany's makeup looked like it was applied by a visually impaired hooker who time traveled from the Meatpacking District in the 80s. It's not Tiffany's lack of makeup skill, you see. The mirror, like everyone else, lies and distorts.

Verdict: So NOT going to Hollywood. Possible institutionalization after pleading insanity when brought up on double homicide charges. Her parents never saw it coming.

Joanna Pacitti
Performed: "We Belong" by Pat Benatar
I'm not sure if it was because we were informed that Joanna was signed (and then released by) A&M Records that I was expecting the girl to blow me out of the water but really, she didn't do much for me. But Kara liked her and so did everyone else. Paula thought she was "worthy" which kind of threw me because it was both a tepid and succinct response. Those are not things I associate with Paula. However, I think Paula's economic turn of phrase was courtesy of a good edit in post-production.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood

Mark Mudd
Performed: "White Lightning" by George Jones
Mark Mudd is a descendent of Dr. Mudd, the dude who fixed John Wilkes Booth's leg after he injured it jumping from the balcony right after pumping Abraham Lincoln full of lead. Turns out, people don't take kindly to physicians who reset the legs of presidential assasins so keep that in mind, you bloody do-gooders! Before fashioning a splint for someone, check their hands for gunpowder or, you know, ask them if they've just murdered any public officials. If not, it's the clink for you! And, even worse, your last name will be used in a putdown that will be passed down through the ages. When you hear that someone's "name is mud," you can thank Mark's great-great-great grandpappy or whatever. Oh, also... Mark said he "almost died five times." I know I'm not supposed to giggle when someone says something like that but well... sorry, can't help myself.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood. If Paula had her way, he'd be locked up. See, when leaving the audition, Mark issued a rather unfortunate salutation: "Be careful in whatever you do." Um, I'm pretty sure he was trying to say "Take care" but all those trips toward the light probably short-circuited something along the way. Paula was all, "That was a threat" but no one really seemed to care. Security didn't exactly pounce on the guy and then even Paula grew bored of her mock indignation and didn't pursue it any further.

Brent Keith Smith
Performed: "Can't Get Enough" by Bad Company
Decent singing voice but he looked a bit too much like Spencer Pratt for my liking. And Paula was all too happy to be his Heidi Whatsherface. She had that look in her eye... the very same look she gave Constantine Maroulis and Ace Young everytime they took the stage. A look that said, "I wish I had a tongue like a lizard so I could quickly roll it out, lick you and retract it all without leaving this here table... not because I'm lazy, mind you, but because the Oxycontin hasn't kicked in yet and I've the jimmy legs, so we'll both have to settle for a remote licking."

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Patrick Warner
Performed: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson
Patrick wore a big-ass white t-shirt with his name on it in big block letters. It was a really unfortunate clothing choice, for many reasons, but mostly because it made him look just like Martha Dumptruck. Swap out "Patrick" for "Big Fun" and we'd have ourselves a dead ringer.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood. Possible herniated disks caused by pressure and strain from ill-advised pelvic thrusting.

Matt Giraud
Performed: "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin DeGraw
Matt told us that he was a "dueling piano player." He then explained what it was but I missed most of his explanation because I was too busy thinking about the weird-looking kid from the "Dueling Banjos" scene in Deliverance, which then made me think of the scene where Ned Beatty was told to squeal like a pig and, from there, it usually takes me a good 30 minutes to return from the dark, scary place I go to whenever I think of Ned Beatty's dimply white ass being violated by overall-clad hillbillies with heroin teeth.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood.

Ross Plavsic
Performed: "Cara Mia" by Jay and the Americans
Ross was a dorky fellow with a tremendous set of buckteeth and a penchant for discovering repeating patterns in Asian lettering. Like, for fun. I feel all smart when I can find a four-letter word in Facebook's Scramble application and here he's deciphering codes and algorithms in another language. He still can't sing for shit but, uh, I guess that hobby of his will pay off... somehow.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood... or getting laid. Ever.

Alexis Grace
Performed: "Dr. Feelgood" by Aretha Franklin
She was good but she pinged my "Possibly Annoying" meter for some reason. Jury's out though. I could issue a retraction down the road. Or an I told you so. We'll see. The judges all gave her pass to Hollywood. Kara took it a step further and issued these words of advice: "Don't wear pink" and "Make love to your fiance." Alexis then reported Kara to American Idol Human Resources and Kara is currently undergoing sensitivity training where she has to watch those poorly-acted reenactments of sexual harrassment usually involving an unwanted neck/shoulder massage in the pantry.

Aaron Williamson
Performed: "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" by Credence Clearwater Revival
Aaron was the dude who went "Woooooooooooooooooooooo!" a lot. And I'm not going to lie to you... before he started to sing, I was buying into his confidence. I was supremely annoyed by his enthusiasm, of course, but he totally snowed me into thinking he had the goods to back up all his hysterical hooting and hollering. And well, he didn't. He sounded like John Fogerty... if John Fogerty was in desperate need of Colace while yell-singing from a burning building.

Verdict: Not going to Hollywood.

Rebecca Garcia
Performed: "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood
This was laughably bad. So comical in its crapitude that Kara suggested it was all a big goof. See, Kara skimmed the background notes and saw that Rebecca was voted "Most Humorous" in high school and, naturally, that can only mean one thing -- Rebecca Garcia was really Howie Mandel in disguise. Kara was all "J'accuse!" and was trying to get the judges to see they were all being punked by Howie in drag. And that's precisely when Rebecca's lip started to tremble and then came the tears and it was apparent to everyone, including a horrified Kara, that Rebecca was, in fact, earnest in her attempt. And then Kara felt like a tremendous douche and was hustled back into sensitivity training as soon as production wrapped for the day.

Leneshe Young
Peformed: "Natty" (Original song)
Damn! An original song that didn't suck. I loved Leneshe and so did all the judges. Unless she chokes during Hollywood Week, I think we'll see her in the Top 12.

And that's that. Come back next week for more bitching and complaining about the auditions. Only two more to go!

San Francisco Audition Recap

So, are the auditions over yet? Yeah, I didn't think so. Tonight was San Francisco, where the freakshow parade was hitting their tambourines pretty hard. In the opener, we are told that Idol has a huge boner for San Fran, because it produced Katharine McPhee, she of the tanking album, and William Hung, he of the ironic faux-success. So right away, I think it's going to be bad. And I'm not disappointed! Most upsetting is Ryan Seacrest, who forgot to do laundry and was forced to host the show in ratty jeans and the hoodie he wears while he watches Lifetime movies. Luckily, Kara washed all the clothes she wore when she was a stripper going by the name of Irina, and she graces us with a bedazzled shredded-sleeved number.

I'm going to get the people who were important enough to have their names displayed for Internet mocking/Hollywood week recognition but had no backstory out of the way first.

Not going to Hollywood:

Nick Reed: 17, Antelope, CA
He had frightening hair and sounded like Charlie Brown's parents beatboxing. He also came after a "fashion" montage, which showcased people in line dressed like nutters and people auditioning wearing nothing even remotely interesting.

Jiayi Yu, 16, San Mateo, CA
Sang "We Built This City" by Starship with the same amount of enthusiasm I exhibit while watching a football game.

James Smith, 27, Sacramento, CA, Ballroom Dancer
He didn't sing long enough for me to decipher what the song was. He was also terrible. He should have held off and auditioned for "So You Think You Can Dance."

Going to Hollywood:

John Twiford, 27, Sherman Oaks, CA, Music Teacher
He sang "Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder pretty well. He's also cute-ish, with hippie hair.

Allison Iraheta, 16, Los Angeles, CA
She has shocking red hair and sang Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" quite well.

Raquel Houghton, 28, Los Angeles, CA, Waitress/Bartender
She sang "Son Of a Preacher Man" by Dusty Springfield, and is pretty in a Manson girl sort of way.

Okay, now that we've got the filler out of the way, let's get to the contestants who actually got some air time.

Tatiana Del Toro, 23, San Juan, Puerto Rico
Tatiana is a "full-time singer, musician, songwriter, writer, assistant director and film actor" who has no IMDB listing. She does have a MySpace music profile, though. When she's not vamping for the camera or laughing like a certified crazy person, she is annoying everyone she comes into contact with while wearing an animal print spandex mini-dress with a tutu stapled to the bottom of it. She sang "Never Loved a Man" by Aretha Franklin, and it wasn't terrible. She's good TV, so she's going to Hollywood.

Dean-Anthony Bradford, 27, Pasadena, CA, "Entrepreneur"
Those quotes are courtesy of the show, not mine. I'm skeptical about his age, because he looks about 45, and he's wearing the most ill-fitting plaid jacket ever to attempt to fit a man. Randy says he likes the jacket, sarcastically, but you know he kind of does, or at least he would if it had drum-major piping on it. Dean-Anthony started a special events production company, but it failed. He sings Simple Red's "Stars." Badly. He looks like he's having a seizure while he's singing. Simon razzes him about his hair color, which isn't actually particularly weird, and he makes a carpet/drapes joke which makes me want to vomit. When they tell him he's not going to Hollywood, he's pretty sure it was the coat that did him in, and not his crappy singing.

Jesus Valenzula, 29, North Highlands, CA, Fleet Manager
Initially, Our Lord and Savior appears to have about 30 kids, but then they bring the kids in after his boring, forgettable performance and it appears he only has two. They're cute, Jesus 2 and Gabriel, so the judges send him to Hollywood even though he sucks and has zero charisma and rather aggressive eyebrows.

Dalton Powell, 18, Manteca, CA, Unemployed Rubik's Cube Master
Ryan Seacrest tells this laid-back mumbly fellow that he might want to amp up the energy before going in or dip into the Seacrest coke stash. Dalton does neither, preferring to smoke a blunt and then sing Smokey Robinson's "Ooh Baby Baby" in falsetto. All of it. He is not going to Hollywood.

Akilah Askew-Gholston, 26, Oakland, CA, Aspiring Songwriter
This chick brought two things with her -- original songs and anatomical diagrams of the human body. She can't pronounce larynx. Or trachea, but she apparently knows what both of them have to do with singing gospel songs. She sings "Make Sweet Love," an original song. It's terrible, of course, and she explains that it was because it "came from the wrong rectum." Paula tries to comfort her, and then walks off the stage in a huff, possibly giving everyone the finger. After they tell her she's not going to Hollywood, she interviews that she could have done better, but she let the judges "eractatate" her.

Annie Murdoch, 28, Novato, CA, Unemployed
She sings "Summertime" by Sam Cooke. It's over the top and screamy. Simone compares her to a drunk, and she's not going to Hollywood.

Adam Lambert, 26, Hollywood, CA
Adam was in "Wicked" and has David Cook hair. He sings Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it's good, but a bit theatrical and screamy. Still, he's adorable, even with the bad hair, so he's going to Hollywood. And in related news, no one on any reality show, ever, can compete with Sweet Suzie McNeil on "Rock Star: INXS" when it comes to "Bohemian Rhapsody," and if you don't believe me, I suggest you watch this video:



Kai Kalama, 26, San Clemente, CA. Musician
Kai has a sick mom and he takes care of her when he's not out rocking. It's a sweet story, and he's cute in a rough-around-the-edges-will-be-hot-once-stylists-get-involved kind of way. He sings "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by the Platters and it's good, and he's going to Hollywood.

And there you have it, folks. Hang in there -- the auditions will be over soon. that's what I keep telling myself, anyway.

Recap: Kansas City Auditions

Wow, it's only episode two and the audition fatigue has already set in. BIG TIME. This is going to be a long season. So, let's dispense with the filler and get to some scathing critique, shall we?

Chelsea Marquardt
Murdered: "Without You"
I don't really know what to say about this. In my notes I wrote, "Ahhhhhhh!" and "Wooooooo!" which, I think, was an approximation of Chelsea's voice. I'd say she attempted several runs but I usually collapse into a giggling fit whenever I hear that term. For the record, I don't find it nearly all that funny when I've got them though. Not funny at all.

Where was I? Oh right... Speaking of shit, Chelsea's voice was unanimously dismissed by the judges. Simon likened it to "A cat jumping off the Empire State Building and the noise it would make before hitting the floor. If that makes sense." Yes, Simon, total. Then Randy tried to horn in on Simon's comment with some crap about a siren. Shut up, Randy.

Verdict: No chance in hell of going to Hollywood.

Ashley Anderson
Performed: "Footprints in the Sand"
Ashley scored instant brownie points by picking a song cowritten by Simon... and then she pissed them away when she mangled the lyric. She was all, "Blah blah blah footsteps in the sand" and Simon busted out his inner school marm and corrected her. Fortunately for her, she managed to bounce back and turn in a pretty good performance.

Verdict: Hollywood-bound.

Totally random observation: Ashley' has the same hairstyle as Creepella Gruesome from "The Flintstones."

Brian Hettler
Butchered: "Think"
With Brian's claims to have an opera background and his leather queen wardrobe, I couldn't help but think of Rob Halford. When he started to sing, I issued an immediate mental apology to Rob Halford. Brian opened his mouth and out came this super thick horrific voice. My voice sounded like that once... when I had strep throat so bad that all my sisters had to take a cycle of antibiotics. It sounded like I was gargling pudding when I spoke. But at least I had mold growing on my throat at the time. What was his excuse?!

No surprise here: The judges told him he sucked and Brian sulked out. "He looks NOT happy" observed Kara. I saw the look in his eyes and it was beyond unhappiness, Kara. It was more like, "I've made note of where you are all staying in Kansas City and I will chop you up into teeny tiny pieces using my fat lady opera spear."

Verdict: No Hollywood. Possible life prison sentence.

Von Smith
Yelled: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
I hate him. He's this season's Annoying Kid Who Lived in His Car. What was his name again?! Something kinda God-squad-ish. Jebediah? Um yeah, I really don't care enough to open a new browser tab and look it up. But him.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood, much to my dismay.

Random observation: At this point in the program, Kara has already said "package" and "big instrument." Methinks Kara has penis envy.

Michael Castro
Performed: "In Love with a Girl"
This is Jason Castro's completely baked brother. Dude can't even remember how old he is. I see many flubbed lyrics in his future. You know, assuming he even remembers to go to Hollywood. It's not like he can rely on his older brother to remind him.

Verdict: He made it though. And Kara called him "ballsy." Again with the weiner talk, Kara. What's your deal?

Matt Breitzke
Performed: "Ain't No Sunshine"
Matt is a welder. Matt is no stranger to the nighttime bar scene. Matt is Alex Owens.

Verdict: Matt and his leg warmers are going to Hollywood.

Jasmine "Jazz" Joseph
Butchered: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
Jasmine paid homage to Judy Garland with her take on this song... a drugged-out, boozed-soaked Judy Garland. God that was rough. Randy does a "look over yonder" type dance that only he thinks is amusing. And I suppose a few assholes at home do too. But I hate those people. They're the people who watch "Two and Half Men." And not in syndication either. I'm talking first-run episodes here.

Verdict: Yeah, no, Jazz. No.

Jessica Paige Furney
Performed: "Crybaby"
She's a good granddaughter and from the town in Kansas where The Wizard of Oz took place.

Verdict: Headed to Hollywood. Cue The Wizard of Oz references ad nauseam up to and including when she finally gets the boot and/or wins the whole damn thing.

Asia & India McClain
Performed: An original rap called "Cookies"
Apparently it was an ode to Randy. They said something about taking a shit so, uh, yeah... that's about right.

Verdict: One made it through. One didn't and, uh, I totally forgot which one is which. But it's the one who kinda looks like Pairs Bennett. She's in.

Jamar Rogers
Performed: "California Dreaming"
Randy said it was overdone. Paula said it was too loud and fell off pitch. Simon called it corny. And then they all said yes.

Verdict: Jamar is going to Hollywood and I'm totally confused.

Danny Gokey
Performed: "I Heard It through the Grapevine"
I saw Danny crying into the camera in one of the "Coming Up" promos and I was all ready to be dismissive... and then I found out the reason he was crying. The poor guy lost his wife four weeks before the audition.

Verdict: He legitimately knocked it out of the park and is deservedly going to Hollywood. Good for him.

Anoop Desai
Performed: "Thank You"
He was really good, even though he looked like the kid who wheeled the projector into the classroom in high school.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood sans A/V equipment.

Up next: A waste-of-time "Signed Sealed Delivered" shame reel.

And now back to the audtions...

Andrew Lang
Massacred: "My Girl"
I hate him and his stupid cheerleaders and I will waste no more time on him.
Verdict: Bounced.

Asa Barnes
Performed: "The Way You Make Me Feel"
Very nice. Not all the memorable of a performance but his cheeky answer to Simon's questioning of his song choice ("Because I liked it") helped him through.

Verdict: I just told you it helped him through, duh.

Michael Nicewonder
Not touching this one with a 10-foot pole. Poor guy.

Okay, losing steam here so let's barrel through the rest:

Dennis Brigham
"Sang": "With You"

Verdict: He annoyed and harassed his way through to Hollywood.

Mia Conley
Screeched: "Loving You"
Not very good at singing but she's got that smiting and threatening God's wrath thing down cold.

Verdict: Headed home to pray for the violent demise of Simon, Randy, Paula, Kara, the dry cleaners who shrunk her cashmere and the chick who cut her off in the Sonic parking lot.

Lil Rounds
Performed: "All I Do"
Mom of three. Victim of a tornado. Awesome singer.

Verdict: Going to Hollywood. Probably will be in the Top 12.

And I've got about a minute of battery life left so that is all. Bring on Hollywood Hell Week already, dammit.

American Idol Premiere: 8th Verse, Same as the First

So remember how this season of American Idol was going to be NEW and DIFFERENT? Well, it's not. Sure, we have a new judge who may or may not want to make out with Paula Abdul, and we had a girl in a bikini audition for the show, but aside from that, it's all the same -- dumb, endless montages, ratty shirts on Simon, and Seacrest thinking girls are icky, especially ones in bikinis. Here's a rundown of all of last night's noted and notable performance, with first and last names so you can go and look everyone up on MySpace and Facebook, because I'm not doing that shit until we get to the Top 36.

Tuan Nguyen, 20
"The Way You Make Me Feel" (Michael Jackson)
This guy and his fro could have saved himself a lot of air time -- and a lot of embarrassment -- had he not decided to dance. Related: he may or may not be auditioning for the next season of So You Think You Can Dance. No Hollywood.

Emily Wynne-Hughes, 21
"Barracuda" (Heart)
She got pierced and tattooed and dyed her hair pink so she'd never had to work in an office, which I can get down with. Also, it takes balls to try to sing that song a capella. Going to Hollywood/

Randy Madden, 27
"Livin' on a Prayer" (Bon Jovi)
This guy looked just like Izzy Stradlin and cried like a little girl pretty much the whole time. And he also sucked. And I'm not surprised that Ryan Seacrest can't tell his G 'n' R alums apart, because he was too busy shakin' it to Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time," back in those days, but he compared him to Axl Rose. No Hollywood.

JB Ahfua, 16
I found this guy mostly forgettable, except that it sounded like his song ended with the lyric "waking up inside of you," which is gross in a Dave Matthews "hike up your skirt a little more" way, and now I need to go take a shower. Going to Hollywood.

Michael Gurr, 17
"It Starts with Goodbye" (Carrie Underwood) then some song by Kara DioGuardi
He was nervous and barfy and sweaty and sounded like one of the Chipmunks having a seizure. No Hollywood.

X-Ray (Aundre Caraway)
He brought a guitar and never played it. Who is this guy -- Kip Winger? He sang some cactus song, and it was very noisy and jumpy. Randy loved it, because Randy is an idiot. No Hollywood.

Arianna Afsar, 16
"Put Your Records On" (Corinne Bailey Rae)
She hangs out with old people and encourages others to do the same. I thought she was sweet and cute, but nothing special. Going to Hollywood.

Elijah Scarlett, 22
"You're the First, the Last, My Everything" (Barry White)
Naturally he sang Barry White, as he has the deepest voice ever and that's all he could, theoretically, sing. Unfortunately, he couldn't even do that, and I'm a little sad we'll never get to hear him sing country. He reminded me of the "Let My People Go" guy from last season, and no, it's not because they're both black, you racists. No Hollywood.

Lea Marie Golde, 16
"Everytime We Touch" (Cascada)
This girls was wearing what looked like a pink felt cowboy hat, and she had a Trapper Keeper full of songs she'd written that she wanted to give to her favorite person in the world, Kara DioGuardi. She also couldn't sing. No Hollywood.

Stevie Wright, 16
"At Last" (Etta James)
She was low-key and a very good singer. Probably the best of the bunch. Plus, she was named after Stevie Knicks, which automatically makes her cool. Going to Hollywood.

Michael Sarver, 27
"Thank You" (Boyz II Men)
He has the 5th most dangerous job in the world, doing something on an oil rig. He was okay, nothing special, but he was hoping Idol would help him create a better life for his family. Sad story = ticket to Hollywood.

Katrina Darrell, 20
"Vision of Love" (Mariah Carey)
Ah, the bikini girl. Randy and Simon loved her. Paula and Kara hated her. She was good, in exactly the way that girls who get through to Hollywood in regular clothes are. Kara sang to prove she was much better, but she actually wasn't, and when Katrina pointed it out, Paula acted all scandalized but you could tell she was trying not to laugh, which was kind of awesome. And then she tried to make out with Seacrest and he begged her to go swimming instead. Going to Hollywood.

Eric Thomas, 17
"Ribbon in the Sky" (Stevie Wonder)
I don't remember this guy's song at all, but I do remember his "Sexual Chocolate" tattoo. And since he didn't make it through, his mom bought him a car, which seems like the wrong message, but who am I to judge someone's parenting philosophies? No Hollywood.

Brianna Quijada, 22
"Let's Hear it for the Boy" (Deniece Williams) and "Killing Me Softly" (Fugees)
She was sweet, and she was adorable, but she was a terrible singer. And for some reason, she's going to Hollywood. The hell?

Deanna Brown, 25
"Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" (Otis Redding)
She has a good voice, and I think she'll really start to shine once she has access to the stylists, if she lasts that long. Going to Hollywood.

Cody Sheldon, 17
"Wonderful World" (James Morrison)
Not only does Cody Sheldon look just like a goth version of former contestant Danny Noriega, I think he might actually BE Danny Noriega, in disguise, giving it another go. I smell a scandal! Going to Hollywood.

Alex Wagner-Trugman, 19
"Baby Come to Me" (James Ingram)
He used to sing in the closet and got mold poisoning because of it. He's pretty good, and may just be this season's loveable dork.

Scott MacIntyre, 23
"And So It Goes" (Billy Joel)
This was the blind guy. And he was good, but not great, and I feel mean for saying it, but I really don't think he would have gotten through had he not been blind. If you were following us on Twitter, Curly had this zinger: "I kind of feel bad that the blind guy has messy hair."

All in all, it was underwhelming. Or as one contestant we never did get to see perform muttered to the camera, "What a nightmare. This show is a joke."

Audition Recap: Atlanta

Dear Ryan Seacrest: Please don't wear graphic tees with blazers anymore. It hurts me. Thanks in advance. Love, Jess.

Now, onto my real-time notes with no time stamps or context. In other words, you had to be there.

Josh Jones: Cute. Kind of weird. Tells bad jokes. Didn't love the voice. I do hope he makes it to the Top 24, though. Wanna know why? Because I want him to be this season's camera fucker and FUCK ALL OF US WITH HIS DEMON EYES! He can skull fuck the audience at home, as opposed to Justin Guarini, who made sweet love to us, tenderly, with his soulful eyes. And yes, I do blame Justin Guarini for the fact that we have numerous camera fuckers each season. I do think Ace Young was the worst offender, though. The scar. Dear God, the scar.

(Side note: I made the most kickass eggplant and chicken casserole for dinner, which I'm eating right now. I'm pretty proud of myself, as it was all improv. Also, Go Obama!)

J.P. Tjelmeland: Sweetie, you don't have star quality. Stop auditioning. Seriously. Also, what is your nationality with that last name (genuinely curious), and why are you dressed like me circa 1993 when I shopped exclusively at PacSun, hung out with skater boys, and listed "Scribbling Jane's Addiction lyrics into the margins of my notebooks" as my favorite pastime?

Why are we seeing people from all of the other audition cities while illustrating how unable to dispel criticism Paula Abdul is? Is it just so we can see just how many items of clothing she has in her closet in animal print?

Asia'h Epperson: Sad story. Not to be catty (because really, when would I ever do that?), but why did Paula compliment her on her outfit? I mean, she wasn't wearing a stripper dress or a statue of liberty costume, but really, she had some decent jeans and a shapeless top on. The hell? Simon liked her smile, and I agree. I also think Paula is drunk. "That's where passion comes from." What? Where? I won't give Paula shit for crying, though. I admit, I got misty. Plus, I cry a lot when I'm hammered, too.

Oh, shut up. None of you bitches are as sweet as a Georgia peach.

Brooke Helvie: She is so completely terrible in every way that she's crossed over into awesome. I get the feeling that the judges didn't actually want to put her through, but the producers dictated it. And for that, I am eternally grateful. Simon: "Possibly the most annoying person I have ever seen in my life." Annoyingly awesome!

Ryan, why are you dressed like a 10-year old boy going golfing with his dad for the first time?

Eva Miller: Has anyone else fallen down during their audition? That ruled. So did her awful audition. I call bullshit on a lot of people, but I have to disagree with Simon here. She's for real. I'm sure of it. White leggings and all. White leggings, really? I so wanted her to grab Simon's package during the hug.

(Side note: People, stop saying you've been singing since you were a child. All children, save for the mute, sing. It doesn't prepare you for a career in music.)

Ryan is adorable with the old ladies.

Alexandrea Lushinton: It was good, but um, did no one notice that OH MY GOD SHE IS TOTALLY A 16-YEAR OLD MELINDA DOOLITTLE AND SHE EVEN SANG A MELINDA DOOLITTLE SONG? Not to state the obvious or anything.

The bad: Michael Gregory (who I found oddly endearing), Chris Lars (raped and pillaged right after the audition) and Jared Wiley (What?!)

Nathan Hite: I so would have made out with this guy in high school. I'm not sure I would have admitted it afterward, though. Dude, stop talking and go. Seriously. I know you're 16 and obnoxious, but go home. Really. The parents seemed as uncomfortable with the "spooning" comment as I did.

Amanda Overmyer: I have fond Janis Joplin memories. I hear Janis and I think about my mom and I doing dishes when I was a kid, dancing around the kitchen and singing along to Pearl. We do a sweet "Me and Bobby McGee," with harmony and everything. This show is KILLING MY MEMORIES. Paula proclaimed her "this season's Chris Daughtry" as if that's a good thing. "Hey, we have this season's generic rocker with no unique talent and charisma. Go us!"

Homeless Kid: Okay, he has a name, and it's Josiah Leming, which sounds like the next cult messiah's name. I do not feel bad for this kid. He had a home, had a family, and he dropped out of school and decided to live in his car. Unless this kid was beaten or molested at home, he's an idiot. Oh, and Madonna called. She wants her fake British accent back. And of course Paula likes him. She's an idiot, too. Really, we're going to have to see this kid again? UGH.

There you have it, folks. I guess we have some bullshit clip show tomorrow, and then next week, finally, thankfully, we're on to Hollywood week. I'm counting the minutes.

Friday News Update

First, an announcement. I hereby promise to suck less when it comes to posting going forward. The truth is, I have an overwhelming amount of stuff currently overwhelming me. But I have this whole time management plan! And it's in Excel so you know it's serious! Anyway, here's your looooong news update, as I have a lot of stuff I haven't covered:

Jordin Loves America
Are you going to be a patriot (As in American, not as in the New England Patriots. Go Giants!) this Sunday and watch the Superbowl? If so, make sure you tune in for the national anthem. One of the few Idol contestants who has never been hated by even one of the ladies here at Midol, Jordin Sparks, will be belting it out. Plus, all of freaking Hollywood will be there.

More Superbowl News
Paula Abdul will also be performing her new song at the Superbowl, "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Paula ALWAYS dances like there's no tomorrow. Give it a listen, if you don't mind the fact that you'll never get those precious minutes back.

Britney's Ex the Next Bucky Covington
Okay, I haven't watched Miami yet, but apparently there was this guy named Robbie Carrico? And he's Bucky-esque? And he sang, "Simple Kind of Man," which makes him even more Bucky-esque? Apparently, Bucky 2.0 banged everyone's favorite trainwreck back in the day, one Miss Britney Spears. Okay, they say it was some sort of "relationship," but there was probably banging involved.

This Just In: Reality TV Not So Real
So remember Julie/Julia Dubela, from one post ago? She has a "bugaboo" with the show and its judges (she really said "bugaboo," people) -- mainly that the judges were mean and the segment was edited in a way that didn't 100% reflect what really happened. Like, maybe 98%. 97 if we're really being technical.
Also, because I found it so amusing yesterday, Julie/Julia Dubela's official site.

Clay Aiken: Asexual?
Why ABC News feels this is a story is beyond me, but I'm just here to do my job. Apparently, Clay Aiken says he has no sexual urges, has never had a relationship, and doesn't have the time or interest for one. Then they got some shrinks to talk about the difference between being "asexual" and "too tired for sex." To tell you the truth, this all saddens me a great deal. If he's not gay, and he's not straight, then the world is being deprived of sex with Clay Aiken, and that's the real tragedy, if you ask me.

Undiscovered? Yeah, Right
Vote for the Worst is keeping a running tally of what the Idol contenders did before auditioning. As it turns out, the whole "raw, undiscovered talent" aspect of the show is kind of bullshit, as many of the contestants have been in the industry for quite some time.

Top 24 Spoilers
So in real time, the Top 24 of season 7 have already been selected. Naturally, there are rumors flying around about who they are, exactly. Here's a maybe-final list:

Top 12 Girls
Asiah Epperson
Alaina Whitaker
Alex Lushington
Amanda Overmyer
Amy Davis
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Joanne Borgella
Kady Malloy (pictured)
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramielle Malubay
Syesha Mercado

Top 12 Guys
Chikeze Eze
Colton Berry
Danny Noriega
David Archuleta
David Cook
David Hernandez
Garrett Haley
Jason Castro
Jason Yeager
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Robbie Carrico

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Precociousness (?) thy name is Julia.

Okay people:

(and Hello! Nice to meet you, by the way. I’m a little nervous, but Tom Cruise pumped to share the blogosphere with the lovely, funny ladies here on American Midol; but I’ll try to keep my couch bouncing and grave superiority in the fact that I know I’m the only one who can Really Help them in check as best I can)

this girl at last night’s Miami auditions epitomizes every reason for not exposing your kids to the biz until, well, they’re at least 18, preferably like 24 and technically no longer kids.



16-year-old Julia Dubela was a contestant on an Idol spin-off for the tween set I vaguely remember catching a few times called American Juniors. I’m gonna go out on a limb here in assuming a record deal wasn’t on the heels of her first TV debut at the age of 12, since four years later she crowded into a stadium with the sweaty hoi-polloi for a second shot at reality stardom, mugging for the cameras within an inch of her life.

Fair enough, but unfortunately, it seems Julia got a wee mixed up in her Fox shows, as she showed up to the Idol auditions wearing one of the dresses wardrobe gave her for American Juniors. This HAS to be the explanation for why her cooter was coming dangerously close to having its own solo (how her makeup kit got switched with Miss Piggy’s, I really can’t explain, but one thing at a time). I refuse to believe that any mother with eyesight would let that kind of hemline and peek-a-boo bra straps accompany her daughter down the block to the corner store, much less national television.

What made Julia’s audition really cringe-inducing though is the Lolita-esque angle the producers crammed down our throats that she was way too happy to validate. We see footage of her singing on American Juniors where she’s fresh-faced, modestly attired and rocking some cute little girl bangs, and you know, a 12-year-old. Cut to present day shots of her posing in a way that tells us she totally thinks she’s the hottest pop tart in Miami and somehow equates the passage of four years with 15 and it’s really uncomfortable—this girl fully expects America to be bowled over by her graduation from Limited Too to Forever 21, and she couldn’t be more mistaken.

Luckily Simon and Co. were similarly creeped out by the forced and Oh So Wrong professionalism she exuded that all child stars cultivate (“what’s precocious?”she asks the judges for the final nail in the coffin) and her inability to turn herself “off” even after she blew it. Her voice wasn’t half bad, but they told her she should have waited a few more years to audtion, and I totally agree, since I hope to God she’ll look back on her Idol footage ten years from now and want to crawl into a hole and die.

“Go to L.A and become an actress,” Simon suggested to her at the end. “You’ll do great.”

Um, okay, maybe on the CW, Simon, and that’s a honkin maybe. She should probably just crawl into that hole now, come to think of it.

Tuesday Idol Recap – Melissa is in Hell

Okay kids, this is gonna be down and dirty. My DVR crapped out day before yesterday so this is all gonna be on the fly – no rewindies. Plus, I’m in a shit mood, and I’ve got a raging headache.

Picture it: Omaha, Nebraska, the winter of 2008. Corntown, USA. Tens of thousands of hopefuls herd like cattle with their sites set on becoming the next American Idol. Why, oh why didn’t they put two and two together and realize that with the exception of a very precious few, they’d only end up on the “you suck” reels of the audition broadcast? Don’t these people WATCH American Idol? If you can’t sing, a cow costume isn’t going to confuse the judges into thinking that you can.

Chris Bernhsldjhtgswdkljkjhsd - I missed his last name because, well, I can’t rewind, and it sounded like maybe there were no vowels in it. Gets points for the most retarded handstand I’ve seen, maybe ever. He is but another blip on the total suck radar. According to Randy, he’s “the next Seacrest” which is code for “you’re a gaywad.”

Paula Abdul arrives on the show late because “her plane was delayed.” And by “her plane was delayed”, I mean “she was sleeping off last night’s goofballs.”

Rachael Wicker – She sounded better by miles and miles than most people auditioning this season so far. On to Hollywood, blondie. Congrats.

**Side note on Rachael Wicker: Who the CAPITOL F is Randy to talk about people who sing country “doing this half yodel thing”, when he actually ENCOURAGES the horrific “runs” that we’re assaulted with by contestants every season? Extra notes are extra notes, Randy. Call them what you want, but don’t penalize a decent singer for bending a note every once in a while when you endorse it in others.

Sara Whitaker – Bring on the Gothball retard with the tiny chiclet teeth and pancake makeup the color of typing paper. And make sure to add bad maniacal laughter to the equation. Oh, and make sure she sings some freakish show tune. Badly. Because that just fits.

Samantha Sidley – This chick came ALL THE WAY from Los Angeles to perform her karaoke version of “I don’t know why” and try to sound exactly like Norah Jones? Really? Too much disposable income. And the only thing they had to critique her on was “not enough showmanship”? With a horrible, breathy audition like that, how would anybody know if this chick has any range to her voice? Can she wail a ballad? Can she rock out? Does she have ANY range??? My money is on “she doesn’t.”

POINTLESS SHITTY BACKSTORY ALERT

Angelica Puente - Her dad “was strict and wants his kids to do the best because his life wasn’t the best.” So your dad wants you to do well? That IS strict! Yawn. Lots of pictures of a shirtless dad, tears, and another audition that sounded just like the rest… and included – what, Randy? Yodeling? Yet Randy said “yes”. Curious. Tearful yet anticlimactic phone call to shirtless dad followed.

David Cook – Blake Lewis wants his fauxhawk and argyle sweater back. Sang “Livin’ on a prayer” as a ballad. It was bizarre to say the very least. Good vocal though. And on to Hollywood he goes.

Johnny Escamilla – The Gold lamé jacket and Moe Howard haircut are you, honey. Oh, and Paula has “the hiccups”. For the same reason Hobos have the hiccups.

MONTAGE ALERT – Steeler’s Wheel: “Stuck in the Middle with you”

Just the typical “well, you’re gonna be on TV but it’s nothing to be proud of” montage. I especially loved the Renaissance garb-wearing, horn clad dork couple singing as a duet. They made me completely stabby.

Leo Marlowe – The last audition. I thought he was okay at best. At BEST. Simon, Randy and Paula nearly tripped over themselves to send him to Hollywood. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m not expecting to see him but once more.

Tomorrow night - Miami, Florida. It will be the largest number of auditions featuring songs by Gloria Estefan. Ever.

Recap: Charleston Auditions

Well, that was boring. Here are some of Charleston's lowlights...

Rasharde Henderson
This dude compared himself to Clay Aiken. Willingly and on purpose. Clearly, the boy cannot be right in the head. Richard Simmons is a far better comparison, no?

DeAnna Prevatte
Hi, I'm not making fun of her because she may very well run me down with a baseball bat while wearing sensible flats. Yeah.

Randy Stark & Crystal Ortiz
So Randy is the self-proclaimed "guru" on AmericanIdol.com's message boards. To really drive home the nerdy point, his girlfriend did a Yoda impersonation in which she touted his message board mastery. That shit sent me into a near-rage.

But then again, what do I expect from people who park themselves in front of their computers and do nothing but discuss the minutiae of "American Idol" season after season? Oh, wait...

P.S. If this audition was a "Saturday Night Live" skit, Rachel Dratch and Seth Meyers would totally play the roles of Randy and Crystal.

Michelle & Jeffery Lampkin
Hi, Jeffery? Meshach Taylor called and wants his Hollywood Montrose character back.

Amy Catherine, Amy, A.C., Whatevs Flynn
Yet another out-and-proud virgin. Oooh, how juicy would that be if she and Bruce Dickson somehow meet up and he gives her his "key," if you catch my meaning.

Pssst, it means he sticks his penis in her vagina.

Anyhoo, Amy Catherine, Amy, A.C., Whatevs looks frighteningly similar to Roman Grant's youngest wife on "Big Love." She really has that crazed "I live on a compound and can't drink Mountain Dew" look about her.

Aretha Codner
I think a visual best expresses what was on everyone's mind at the first glimpse of Aretha...

Sigh... How much longer until Hollywood Week?

San Diego Audition Recap

First of all, how cute were those old men at the beginning of the show? Good God, I wanted to set up a table and while away an afternoon playing bridge with them. And I don't even play bridge! That's how cute they were!

All in all, I found San Diego pretty underwhelming, but there were a couple of bright lights among the dim, or completely burned out, bulbs. Here's my take on this crop of Idol hopefuls.

Tetiana Ostapowych
I have to say, I agree with Simon's assessment that she's not as good as she thinks she is. You could see her face -- she's all, "I'm rocking this!" and while she was good, I also found it kind of boring and lacking in emotion. Technical prowess will only get you so far in this competition, and I think she's not going to be around past Hollywood Week. I did really want to like her, though, because I have a good friend with the same name, but when I rewinded the DVR to catch the spelling, I realized it's TETiana, not TATiana, so now I feel justified in my dislike.

Perrie Cataldo
Holy frickin' backstory, Batman! Mom was killed, he's a 27-year old single dad with the cutest kid EVER. I'm not sure if the kid's name is Evian, like the water, or Avian, like the bird flu, but seriously, this guy could have done a spoken word version of "Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover," like my college friends Ryan and Marc used to do in a never-successful pick-up-way, and I'd still be rooting for his ass. On a related note, everything about the song, "I'll Make Love To You" gives me the willies.

Michael Johns
I dug him, both musically and in a naked shenanigans way.

The Bad: Marat Hayrapetyan, Christopher Mitchell, Tehilla Lauder. Not much to say about them aside from the fact that Simon's WTF?! faces were hilarious.

Valerie Reyes
There's a lesson that Valerie Reyes can teach all of us. If you are so delusional that you think you sound like any of the following people; Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston or Aretha Franklin, know this: You don't, and you probably never will. Unless you want to be an audition show reject, stay home and take up needlepoint. The whole "I swallowed as frog and then choked on it, and now it's slowly dying while lodged in the back of my throat" thing made me cringe.

Joseph and Juanita Mejia
Okay, so get this: A Mexican and a mime walk into a bar. The Mexican starts choking on a piece of Gardetto's snack mix, and the mime starts mimicking choking to get someone to help. The mime gets the Heimlich, the Mexican dies, and neither one of them makes it to Hollywood, because Simon hates gimmicks. The end.

Monique Gibson
Whitney Houston. Don't. Why doesn't anyone listen to me?!

Christopher Baker
NO WHITNEY GOES DOUBLE FOR BOYS. Someone call security and get rid of this guy! Oh, wait. These two remind me of a half-passed-out junkie couple I saw on the F-train once.

Samantha Musa
That girl's got SOUL, yo! Terrible taste in men, but a great voice.

Day Two: Wasn't that redheaded guy in the beginning from last year? Didn't I make fun of him and he turned out to be mentally challenged in some way?

Blake Boshnack
"Sometimes I don't know who it's a bigger dream for, my son or me." See: Lynn Spears, Dina Lohan, etc.

More Bad: Alexandria Ruiz, Sarah Long (The hell was she even trying to sing?), some fatties.

Alberto Hurtado
Okay, so when this guy is sitting in the field smelling the flower, all I can think of is the scene from Fear of a Black Hat, where they're spoofing PM Dawn with the song about bodily functions. Which makes me laugh, natch. The nails! OMG, the nails! Gross! And I've seen enough So You Think You Can Dance to know that Barbie is NOT doing the paso doble. The fan said "A Big American Idol Fan," by the way. Get it? Fan?

Still more bad: Aaron Garrett. Kinda cute, though.

David Archuleta
He did "Waiting for the World to Change" better than Sanjaya. Not saying much, really, but hey, if Kevin Covais got s hot, why not this guy?

Carly Smithson
I want to go out for pints of Guinness with her. Love. Her. So. Much. She's allowed to sing Whitney Houston. Her and her little tattooed husband are the cutest.

Top 24 predictions: Carly Smithson and Michael Johns.

Terror in the Heartland - Idol in San Diego

Melissa’s notes from the San Diego Auditions 1-22-08

All times CST ‘cause I’m in the great state of Texas.

7:01 – Pan of brownies goes into the oven. This time, I’m prioritizing.

7:04 – Right out of the chute, Ryan starts in with the “amazing stories” tear-jerking bullshit. Just get on with the fecking auditions before I start beating myself in the head with a tack hammer.

7:11 – Michael Johns – from Australia. I want to marry this man. Or sluttier, not marry him and just commit all kinds of hot, dirty sins with him. While we’re not married, cause that is so much hotter. The best audition I’ve seen so far. A genuinely great vocal audition. “You’re like a white soul singer.” said Simon. I can’t believe Paula didn’t get stuck to her chair. Man, he’s pretty. Melissa likey.

Uh oh, I’m stuck to my chair.

7:13 - Tehilla Lauder: I swear to God, her singing sounded like the shrieking you hear over loudspeakers before prayers five times a day in Iran. She was awesome. And by awesome, I totally mean sucktastic.

7:15 – Valerie Reyes: Her voice dropped - during her audition. She is, in actuality, an 11 year old boy whose nuts have just dropped. America, you just witnessed a young boy becoming a man. While wearing a smart frock. L’Chiam!

7:21 – Marcel Marceau and the Frito Bandito. If it weren’t for no-talent assholes, we’d never see anything this ridiculously funny.

7:22 – Monique Gibson: Just rolled out the rack and schlepped to the auditions because she had nothing better to do on that day. Please just shut the hell up. 22 minutes into tonight’s broadcast, I am officially sick to effing death of the American Idol auditions. For real.

7:24 – Monique’s friend (see 7:22) Christopher Baker: sucked ass just slightly less than she did. Sweet Sassy Molassy. Please, for the love of crap, shut up.

7:28 – Amanda Musa: Pretty good audition, and one of my favorite songs, Aretha Franklin’s “Till you come back to me”. She set the bar pretty high but did pretty well. As far as Idol goes, she’s alright. Could have done without the Virginia ham who said she was her sister. And that farkatke green dress. Oy.

7:31 – My brownies are ready. I can’t wait for the freak show with the man titties and ghetto manicure!

7:35 – Blake Boshnack: Chin up, Blake. 12th time’s a charm.

7:38 - Sarah Long: My brains just liquefied and ran out my ear holes.

7:39 – Alberto Hertado : Man titties and ghetto manicure. “Sometimes I just get so lost in my imaginations that I kind of live there. Maybe too much.” America agrees with you. Sang the worst-ever autobiographical song after preening for 20 seconds. Then, in a dramatic turn of events after he was booted out of the room, he collapsed into a big girly ball of mush and fan danced his way out of the competition. So I ate another brownie. He should cut those fingernails and give them to Brandon Green.

7:39 – 7:52 : nothing remarkable happened during this time. I finished off another brownie and longed to be watching something else. Saved by the Bell. Cops. The Graphic Spleen Removal Network. Anything.

7:55 – Carly Smithson: Auditioned in Season 5 but was disqualified before making it to Hollywood. Got her second chance, and a warm embrace from her husband, Jojo the tattooed sideshow freak from the circus. Less is more. That shit doesn’t wash off.

Aaaaaaaaaand, scene.

Tomorrow night, it’s South Carolina where, according to Simon, “they like being told they’re not very good.”

Screw brownies. Tomorrow night, I’m polishing off a whole bottle of Bailey’s.

PS - Jess - we on for that fight over Michael Johns? I gotta warn you - I ate Wheaties this morning.

News and Other Silliness

AOL has their drag-and-rank feature up and running. Blake Lewis is in the lead. Surprisingly, Jared Cotter made the top six. I can barely even remember his performance, and when he first took the stage, I turned to my cat and said, "Who the fuck is that?" Vote here.

Simon and Paula may have dubbed Seattle the worst of the worst, but now that all's said and done, five semifinalists came from there. Granted, Rudy Cardenas was one of them, but still. (TV Squad)

Jennifer Lopez will be hitting the Idol stage on April 11th, which I can only assume is my own personal birthday present. Hopefully, she won't be wearing this. (London Net)

Vote for the Worst has named their first target of the season: Sundance Head. At least it's not Sanjaya. He may have sucked last night, but he's a cutie patootie.

Vote for the Worst has also uncovered the truth about Antonella Barba: She's a drunken whore (NSFW). Oh come on, she's from Jersey. Obviously she's a drunken whore.

Fantasia Barrino will perform on this Thursday's live show, and make a "special announcement." I don't know about you, but the suspense is just killing me. (Charlotte Observer)

Dial Idol has their predictions in. Top 3: Sundance Head, Sanjaya Malakar and Chris Richardson (aka My Future Baby-Daddy). Um, Sundance and Sanjaya? For reals? I hate America already.

John Peter Lewis, like, rules and stuff. (PR Newswire)

News, News and More News

Well folks, it just occurred to me that no one posted a news update today. I should be going to bed, but how will I sleep if I know I've let y'all down? I won't, that's how. So without further ado:

In case you didn't watch the Grammys last night, our girl Carrie Underwood took home not one, but two, for Best New Artist and Best Country Song for "Jesus Take the Wheel." In other news, Jess has asked Jesus if maybe he wouldn't mind working for her tomorrow. We'll see if he comes through. (Celebrity Café)

Nigel Lithgoe hates blogs, will cut a bitch who tries to blog while on the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

Rumor has it Simon Cowell gave contestant Tom Lowe an unfair advantage. Wait, are they insinuating that reality television isn't really "real"? I refuse to believe it! (Buddy TV)

Celebs share what song they'd sing for Idol auditions. (People)

This little lady alerted us to some Hollywood week spoilers. And by "spoilers," I mean don't click this link if you don't want to know. I can't be held responsible for your spoilage – consider yourself warned. I also can't verify the accuracy of this information.

Hollywood week! Woo hoo! Bring it ON.

Recap, News and Other Blathering

No more auditions! Yay! I'm happy as could be, and the previews for Hollywood week look awesome.

I'm not going to talk about the trainwrecks on Wednesday's show. Only the two that I actually liked. Tami Gosnell, the pedicab driver who sounds like Janis Joplin, is awesome. I love her. Ebony Jointer is just amazing. I bet her other two rollerskating friends secretly hate her. I'm not sure why they let her cohort, Ashley Cleland, through exactly, but whatevs. I'm over it.

Now, onto the news:

WebMD talks to psychology experts about what makes people who couldn't sing their way out of a paper bag audition for American Idol. (WebMD)

Las Vegas contestant Mikalah Gordon shares what really goes on during Idol auditions. (TV Squad)

Ayla Brown's daddy hates the gays. Naturally, everyone hates Senator Scott Brown. And he's not afraid to talk about it, much to the horror of the teachers at the King Philip Regional High School assembly he was speaking at. (CBS News)

Speaking of bad daddies, Clyde Raymond Pickler, Jr., who sired none other than Kellie Pickler, attacked a female acquaintance with a steak knife. Glad to see all that prison time straightened his ass out. (Charlotte Observor)

The final 24 predictions have begun (phillyBurbs)

Idol alum Anthony Federov hits Broadway as a cast member in The Fantasticks (Theater Mania)

More Courtney Love madness. Rumor has it she's been asked to guest judge on Nirvana night. Wait, Idol's doing a Nirvana night? Please. Oh please, let this be true. (Celebrity Spider)

TWoP's Wednesday recap

EW's Wednesday recap

Remember the San Antonio Recap

Is anyone else (besides you, Jess) as sick of the auditions as I am? Seriously, they seemed to drag on way longer this year. Last night's round in San Antonio was the last, thank God. However, tonight's episode is a montage of auditions good and bad from all seven cities Paula, Simon and Randy visited and ranked on. Dude, if they try to pad the season with another one of those roundups in mid-season, I'm going to start torching shit.

San Antonio, like the rest, failed to produce a real stand-out talent, in my humble opinion. I was briefly concerned that this year's crop of finalists would end up sucking balls but then I remembered that Elliott Yamin got NO camera time last year until Hollywood week. We never got to see his audition nor the back story of him and his manky teeth. But then he pleasantly surprised us several weeks into the competition (while his jacked-up grill continued to confound). My point, and I do have one, believe it or not, is that there may be some hidden showstoppers awaiting us, in addition to the usual band of ball suckers.

Speaking of suck, here's a rundown of a few of last night's performers:

Jasmine Holland
This was the shy girl who sang in a gospel choir and wore a shirt that read: "Peace Pure Love." Oddly enough, she was the same chick who unleashed a stream of profanity and had to be bleeped numerous times after she bitched out the judges. An interesting interpretation of peace and pure love, no? Shameful, the language on that Miss Holland. You kiss your preacher with that mouth, Jasmine?

The best part of that segment, however, had to be Jasmine's mother and her anti-Simon rant:

Jasmine's Mom: "What is he? French?

Ryan Seacrest: "Actually, he's British."

Jasmine's Mom: "Well then he needs to go back to British [sic] and be judge for British people. 'Cause he's not even American so how can he tell who sings and not sings?"

Because in the country of "British," people are deaf or immune to music? Music is silent outside of America? Americans have special ears? I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at, Jasmine's Mom. Are you a dumb ass or just a xenophobe? Or both? I can't quite tell. My people hail from "British" so maybe that's why I can't quite hear your message.

Haley Scarnato
This was the attractive chick wearing the all black, stylish one-piece who engaged in a weird hand-shaking session and fashion discussion with Paula before her audition leading me to exclaim, "Paula has a girl crush! Paula has a girl crush!"

While Haley's voice was just okay, Simon put her through to Hollywood because she was hot. Randy approved of her as well, I think. I can't say for sure because I stopped paying attention to him about... uh, since I started watching the show. Randy's insignifcant, dawg.

Paula quite eagerly punched Haley's ticket to Hollywood because, well, I think she really wants to punch Haley's ticket when they get to Hollywood, if ya catch my drift. (Psst... I just suggested that Paula Abdul possesses homosexual tendencies and is vulnerable to acting on such same-sex impulses in an effort to restore her fractured sense of self-worth and stabilize her erratic emotional state caused in part by low self-esteem coupled with severe chemical dependence. Or something.)

Ashlyn Carr
Uh, how fucked up do one's facial expressions have to be when even Paula Abdul refers to them as "weird"? That's about as insulting as Ted Kennedy giving you a lecture on the perils of drunk driving into or near bodies of water.

Weird ticks aside, Ashlyn made it to Hollywood. Whether she gets her ass kicked by her roommates remains to be seen.

Not Necessarily the News

As part of their "People You Should Know" section, CNN asks Katharine McPhee the tough questions. You know, hard-hitting questions like, "Your image is much sexier now. Was that intentional?" I hate when I accidentally give myself a sexy makeover. I did it twice last week, even. (CNN)

Paula Abdul gets sued for secretly selling her reality show that was supposed to air on Oxygen to Bravo. Well, of course she did. She probably figured no one would notice. Also, whatever network Hey Paula finally airs on, I am SO there. (Post Chronicle)

Ashlyn Carr, she of the second chances and the strange facial expressions (and also a very pretty voice, IMHO), is a hardened criminal. Okay, not really, but she was charged with criminal mischief in November 2006 for pouring sugar in her ex-boyfriend's gas tank. If he was another one of those people who were mean to her because she had such a great voice, then he totally deserved it, obvs. (Reality TV magazine)

Speaking of criminal Idol contestants, Akron Watson, also from San Antonio, was uninvited after getting through to Hollywood. While he does have a misdemeanor charge of marijuana possession against him, he'd apparently told Idol about it. Very curious. He's launched a MySpace page to gain support to be reinstated as a contestant. (Reality TV Magazine)

And because I'm apparently a Reality TV Magazine groupie today, here's another: There's a rumor floating around that Sean Michel, my personal favorite thus far, may be disqualified for not cutting his long-ass Jesus hair and beard. This better not be true. Not in a world where we have to live with Taylor Hicks, who the boyfriend refers to as "that elderly gentleman who won American Idol last season." (Reality TV Magazine)

Back in the day, Simon Cowell was a little girly man cowering before Eddie Murphy. (TV Squad)

Miss last night's show? I missed some of it because I was baking a sticky toffee pudding. I'd give you some, but I really didn't make enough for everyone and that wouldn't be fair. Thank heavens the audition shows are finally over! If you need to catch up on the San Antonio auditions, choose your own adventure:

People Magazine's recap

EW's recap

Television Without Pity's recap

Or, you know, check back later for Curly's recap. Naturally, it will be the best one.

I'm Blaming the PMS

Last night was an oddly touching night for an American Idol audition show. I cried real tears, y'all, and for someone who hates on pretty much everything, that's saying a lot.

Let's talk about Phuong Pham. My eyes filled with tears when she said her mother told her she wasn't pretty enough for TV, and that she was "no Katharine McPhee." I mean, what mother says that to a child? I don't have kids, but I can tell you that if I did, and one was a hunchback with bad skin and a hairlip, I'd still tell her she was the most beautiful girl in the world. When she got up to sing, I said aloud to the television, "Please let her be good. Oh God, please." Sadly, she wasn't.

Then there was Sherman Pore, a 64-year-old man who had lost his wife to cancer two days prior and just wanted the chance to audition and dedicate a song to her. And he had a lovely voice. I was sobbing, and even typing it now, I'm getting misty. Christ, when did I become such a sap?

Brandon Rogers, the hottie with the five-head who Paula Abdul and Olivia Newton-John wanted to simultaneously fellate, was probably the first person I've seen that I can actually see in the finals. The rest of the show is a blur -- losers begging for chances to butcher a second song, tears, things that made my brain hurt. Mostly forgettable, but the sweet moments actually got me a little more interested in watching the auditions again. But just a little.

Birmingham, the Recap

And this, my friends, is the point in the season where I say to myself, "Holy Mary Mother of God, can we get to fucking Hollywood already?"

Birmingham, blah. Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, Bo Bice, blah. Why does Birmingham have to hog all of the American Idols?

Anyway, let's go. First up was Erika Skye, who bears more than your passing resemblance to Stephanie Klein and sang a screamy rendition of "Unchained Melody" that made my brain hurt. I'm not going to go into everyone else -- just the ones I feel like talking about.

Jamie Lynn Ward. Now, her father shot her mother and then himself, leaving him paralyzed in a wheelchair. We weren't told the mother's fate, but she doesn't live in the house so I'm guessing it's not good. It's a sad story, and it makes her this season's Kellie Pickler. But here's the thing. I may hate The Pickler now, but I really liked her after the audition. Why? Because she had a sad story and she sang the crap out of "Since U Been Gone." Jamie Lynn Ward did not sing the crap out of "Reflection." Had she been a regular girl without a good backstory, we wouldn't have even seen her audition, and she certainly wouldn't have made it to Hollywood.

Now, Chris Sligh. He also didn't sing the shit out of "Kiss From a Rose," but he said he was there to make David Hasselhoff cry, and for that he should be the next American Idol. Let's review: Dad shoots mom, self. Go home. Snarky comment about David Hasselhoff. You're the next American Idol. My heart is black and my soul is cold.

Last but now least, Brandy Patterson. Delusional and with an attitude up to here, she poured kerosene on "Like a Virgin," lit it on fire and then danced on the ashes. I mean, just, wow. The best part was Simon's reaction to her. I love it when Simon, who is so reserved, bursts into laughter. And when he said, "Call me," and she said, "I don't want to call you," and he said, "Yes you do," and they went on and on, I burst out laughing. I love me some Simon Cowell.

Paula was mysteriously absent on Day 2 of Birmingham. Did she really have "family business"? Was she too drunk to go on? Did the lack of talent in Birmingham send her over the edge? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this year's American Idol will not be from Alabama.

Link it up, baby:

Death by Camera has the Memphis contestant's MySpace Profiles.

EW has the full recap

As does TWoP

News Roundup

Greetings! One-fifth of your favorite "pseudo-intellectual satirist" team has just returned from Ireland, where I dutifully watched a little bit of the Memphis auditions during football half-time (soccer for you Americans). I still have a couple of hours to catch up on, so I'll stick with the news until I've done so. I do, however, love Sean Michel, the homeless-looking hippie dude who sang Johnny Cash. I want to do bong hits with him. Anyway, the news:

Simon Cowell hates technology, music, often rubs two sticks together to make fire. Guess that means he'll never read American Midol. (AZ Central)

Katharine McPhee releases her highly-anticipated (couldn't even type that with a straight face) debut album. If you're curious to hear what all the fuss is about, but loathe to shell out the big bucks to do so, it's your lucky day, because AOL Music is streaming that bitch for free. (WTOP)

Armed & Famous cancelled due to poor ratings, leading TV execs and the media to the shocking conclusion that if you want a new show, an old show or any show, really, to succeed, you might not want to air it opposite American Idol. (Canada.com)

Chris Daughtry's debut album hits #1. In related news, Americans have really shitty taste in music. (93X Rocks)

Everything you never wanted to know about what went on behind the scenes at the Birmingham auditions. (MyFox Birmingham)

When drunk and incoherent, it's always best to blame Simon Cowell. Riiiight, Paula. (Access Hollywood)

And there you have it. I'd also like to address a couple of search terms that have recently brought visitors to the site. First, to the person who got here by searching for "mean american idol bloggers suck," I'm terribly sorry you feel that way. And for the individual searching for Ryan Seacrest's height, the official party line is 5'8", but since short guys always add an inch or two, I'm guess he's actually around 5'6" or 5'7". Has anyone stood next to him? If so, kindly weigh in.

Hollywood is New Jersey with Celebrities

NYC Represent!!

First of all, the NYC auditions happened at Chelsea Piers -- which I CAN SEE FROM MY OFFICE WINDOW!!! How did I not know that this was happening?? I could have had an EXCLUSIVE of the auditions after I went and gawked at everyone and ran back to my PC at work and wrote a bit of a draft then leftit there for hours while I frantically IM'd Jess and Curly in ALL CAPITALS to emphasize (and probably exaggerate if not out and out lie about) what I just saw. Then I would have stayed late at work to finish my masterpiece of a post and it would probably have turned out to a run-on grammatical calamity as they all are (I am, after all an ACCOUNTANT) -- and then I would have gone home squawking about the injustices of working late. Or something. But I digress.

So NYC auditions. The extra judge -- Carol something or other. I seem to remember Ryan SeaQuest rambling on about her resume -- I think she wrote some songs and stuff and she knew Dionne Warwick or something but I was too transfixed by her Alexis Carrington hairdo to remember what he said.

The trouble with trying to recap the auditions is that there are so many people to talk about. I suppose I can't get through this without mentioning that MORON Ian Benardo who actually was on the local news following the show as well as on the cover of the fricken NY Post. There is NO WAY this guy was for real. The whole "Gloria" thing? Yeah, Pawl Bawldwin called and wants his accent back but Thanks For Playing! I did, however, find it uproariously funny when he demanded to see Simon's working visa and that he called Hollywood "New Jersey with celebrities." But again, NO WAY this is for real. Gawker has splendid coverage of it here.

Now, call me callous, but I wanted to smack of the girl who lied to her parents and went to NYC to audition and was sobbing about how she j-j-just wanted her d-d-daddy to be pr-pr-proud of her. Boo hoo. Of course she makes it to Hollywood and she calls her dad -- with SeaQuest in tow -- and everything is just GROOVY and the dad says -- on speakerphone -- how proud he is and then the girl hugs SeaQuest and all is right with the world again. Right. If I EVER did that -- if I made the show or not -- I would have never even got to Hollywood because my dad would have KICKED THE CRAP out of me and would have probably beat up SeaQuest too.

Aside from that, the rest of the show was a blur. I did enjoy the crazy bitch, Sarah Goldberg, who thought she was a perfect choice as the next American Idol because she COULD NOT sing. Outstanding. She went on this maniacal rant at how the judges were rude for being judgmental of her singing. As if they were judges in a singing competition. Oh wait.

There was also the equally outstanding Isadora "Don't Call Me Julie" crazy palm reader at the end who said she sounded like Janis. AND Led Zeppelin -- who she seemed to think was a Person. That Led Zeppelin guy. Right.

There's more. There was the balls out chick from Queens who likened herself to Rocky, the Jersey Shore twits (who reminded me way too much of my cousin Carmella) who were definitely judged by Simon's weiner, the drama mama Ashanti who had a nervous breakdown in front of millions of viewers, and the fucking excellent Rachel Zevits. I love that she sang a Jeff Buckley song. I loved how she appeared to be some lunatic cracked out tweaker but instead ended up being ENORMOUSLY talented. So far, she is my favorite. It's still early though.

Memphis Shmemphis

Like Curly said, I found last night's American Idol to be... lackluster... lukewarm, if you will. I wonder if they went and frantically re-edited this week's auditions so they don't appear as cruel as they did last week. Think about it. Simon said "sweetheart" -- but not in a "it's just my weiner talking" kind of way -- at an alarming rate. Paula was also unusually coherent. Randy has gone from Mean Randy Guy to "GOOD LOOKIN OUT PROVE THE DAWG WRONG" Randy Guy that we are used to. There was also the montage of hearing the judges snarky remarks but not seeing to whom they were directed. Interesting. I did rather enjoy the "Amaya. A Mayor? Amaya. A Mayor?" exchange between Simon and Timika Sims, who was that chick with the demonic freaky deaky eyes who talked like Farmer Fran from The Waterboy.

My favorite from last night's show was Sundance Head. YOU GO SUNDANCE HEAD!

In other news, Katherine McPhee hates on American Idol and name drops "Tom and Katie" like they are her BFFs Seriously. I wish this biotch would shut her damn piehole already. She should be bowing down and THANKING American Idol for catapulting her skanky ass into the spotlight. No one would GIVE A SHIT about her if she was not on the damn show.

All McPhee, All the Time

To promote her new "album," Katharine Mcphee will be making the TV rounds. Here's her schedule if you'd like to set the DVR:

01.29: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

01.31: The Today Show

02.01: Live with Regis and Kelly

02.05: TRL

02.06: The Early Show

02.07: Jimmy Kimmell Live

02.08: Larry King Live

Good thing McPhee's agent gets the whole "overexposure" concept. Also, Ms. McPhee tortures puppies. Best. Pic. Ever.

More News:

• Paris Bennet's debut album "Princess P." is in the works, and will feature Kevin Covais and Lisa Tucker. Kevin will be rapping. If that's not the first sign of the apocalypse, I don't know what is. (United Press International)



• Steven Thoen, the redhead in Seattle who sang "Bohemian Rhapsody," is apparently mildly mentally challenged. Says his pissed-off mother. Which makes that whole segment way less amusing, incidentally. ( West Central Tribune)

Poll Time

So the general consensus, as it applies to the mainstream media, is that the judges' assessments of the people auditioning is, in technical terms, way harsh. What do you think?

Are the Judges Too Mean This Season?
	Yes, they've gone from simply dashing hopes and dreams to making people suicidal.
	No. Someone has to tell these people they suck.
	Randy is.
	Randy and Paula are.
	Simon is.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

I Call Bullshit

That's right, folks. Every now and then, I see a contestant on American Idol who I think may be someone playing a character. Call me cynical, but I'm pretty sure the following contestants are full of shit:

Jonathan Jayne: Robust kid in the Hawaiian shirt


Nicholas Zitzmann: Awkward computer programmer

Kenneth Briggs: Bush baby

Darwin "Misha" Reedy and her "mother"

Seriously. Don't feel bad for any of these people. They are all improv comics who are hoping this character will get them on SNL. I have a theory, too, that the people that Simon really unleashes on are the people who he suspects are not who they claim to be.

Here's who you should feel bad for: Amy Salgado. AI has a formula for auditions. Only the hilariously bad and awesomely good get back stories. Don't trot out some chick with a kid and a crap husband and let her tell us her story in her own words, and CRY on camera, and then humiliate her after her bad audition. I mean, how is that not the cruelest thing ever?

See? I may be a cynic, but my heart isn't entirely black.

Links:

• Death by Camera does the leg work finding all the contestants' MySpace profiles so we don't have to. See them here.


• Television Without Pity's recaplet


• EW's recap

Seattle: A Partial Recap

I slacked last night, boys and girls. I can't even lie. I got home later than expected and didn't finish watching "American Idol." I did catch the beginning and I even scribbled a few thoughts on a legal pad. I'll give the episode the proper treatment later but for now, here are a few of the notes I took:

Jennifer "The Hotness" Chapton: Looks like Sy Snootles, the lead singer of The Max Rebo Band. Um, for you non-nerds, that would be the group that sings in Jabba's palace in "Return of the Jedi." Oh, shut up. You know you loved that movie, Ewoks and all.

Amy Salgado: The chick who needed water and complained "I have a really dry throat." Simon's reply: "Amy, you could like down in a bath with your mouth open and you still couldn't sing." Quite possibly his best comeback ever.

Darwin "Misha" Reedy: "Daria" meets "Working Girl." Dry, lifeless tone coupled with white sneakers and black tights. Did she commute to her audition? Her mother is dressed like The Church Lady. Or that weird chick with the bun played by Ruth Buzzy on "Laugh In."

Thomas "Tommy" Daniels: Looks like the first Lionel from "The Jeffersons."

Melissa Stavros: Hippo.

That's as far as I got, folks. More to come later. Promise. Mean it.

Photo: Galactic News

Diamond Vision

There were moments last night when I glanced around and we all were watching the show with our hands over our eyes, peeking out through our fingers. We couldn't bear direct viewing. We needed to hide. A friend of mine refers to this as "diamond vision". There was much diamond vision going on last night.

I am continuously baffled at those who truly BELIEVE that they can sing. Not even that they could be the next American Idol. But that they can actually carry a tune. I don't get it. They cannot hear themselves. They sing and they hear Maria Callas ... but what's coming out is a horrific wolf-howl. How are they SO off in their assessment of their abilities?

Jessica Rhode - the first girl to sing - with her strange thin lips, her protruding apple cheeks, and her disturbing skirt made of 1/4 denim and 3/4s ... billowy sheer curtains ... was blown AWAY that she was rejected. She could not get her mind around the fact that they had said No. Her response to the judges when it was a unanimous "No" was: "Are you serious???" She was gobsmacked. It had never even occurred to her that she would be turned down.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? She's seen the show. She knows that a bazillion people are auditioning. Putting aside the fact that she could not sing - how could she have not been aware of the fact that the answer might be "No"? How does one hide from reality so successfully?

So for me, it's not only the terrible singing that brings about the diamond vision. It is also the shocking lack of self-awareness.

My favorite quote of the night was from Simon (big surprise):

"You're singing opera, and you're dressed as Apollo Creed. What do you want me to say to you?"

He had had it.

Oh, and Paula had a moment where I think what she said was, "I'm gonna pass", but it came out sounding like, "Mmmonna pss."

Come again?

More Thoughts on the Season Premiere

The Lovely Jess was good enough to record our quips and color commentary during last night's season premiere. Now that I've had some time to chew on the scenes that unfolded before our horrified eyes last night, I would like to contribute a few more items:

1) In retrospect, it wasn't all that funny to watch Jason Anderson, a pimply 16-year-old boy, have an emotional breakdown after his audition went sour. And by "went sour," I mean sucked ass from the get-go.

I blame his family and friends though, not the judges. This is what happens when a whipped parent blows smoke up a child's ass -- the kid is reduced to tears before millions of people and will probably receive a daily wedgie from classmates from now until he graduates. Unless, of course, he cracks under the pressure of the relentless taunts and ridicule and drops out of school and ends up turning tricks and huffing spray paint in a dumpster behind the Mall of America.

What's even more tragic is that we, the audience, were assaulted with this "triple threat" of screeching, clod-hopping and Devil Stick... er, juggling? Sticking? I don't know even know what to properly call that shit. Why did he even bring them? Last I checked, this was an "American Idol" audition, not the parking lot at a Phish show. Speaking of which, mmm... nitrous.

2) You can pretty much rescue the most painful of insults by attaching a "sweetheart" or a "darling" to the end of it. Simon Cowell excels at this. "You were absolutely dreadful and have not a stitch of talent. Now off you go, sweetheart." See, it starts out cold and harsh but softens ever-so-slightly when that term of an endearment is tacked on at the end. It's sort of brilliant. The next time I call someone's mama a fat whore, I'll be sure to use this tactic.

3) Josh Flom is yet another misguided "rocker" who fancies himself the next Chris Daughtry and has mistaken phlegm-clearing for singing. Initially, I did not enjoy his audition, but dear Lord, my anticipation of his singing an ABBA song was quite possibly the best part of the whole show. While I waited patiently for him to select and subsequently butcher a beloved pop confection, I took it upon myself to apply his singing style to a medley of every ABBA song I know. FYI, "Fernando" and "Winner Takes It All" were the funniest of the sad lot. Well, to me, at least. Jess, Sheila and Mejack might not agree.

4) Paula, while clearly strung out on something, was rather subdued last night. With the exception of a few erratic arm-waving and swatting gestures, she held it together. Maybe Jewel had a calming effect on her. I know from personal experience that if you sit me down with a Jewel song or, perish the thought, some of her poetry, I'll be sawing logs in no time. Jewel's not a singer, she's a sedative. For Paula's sake, they should become BFFs. But for my sake, and the sake of this blog, they most definitely should not. Paula's spaz-outs are the leading source of most of our material. Speaking of which, we'll be launching a new Paula feature this week. And it's a good one! Details to come.

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Premiere: The Sort-of Recap

Sheila, Mejack and Curly came over last night to drink wine, eat pizza, hummus, pita chips and girl scout cookies, and howl with laughter at the bad contestants. I took notes. Here they are. And is it me, or are the "good" singers so far not all that good?

Mejack on Jessica Rhode (Jewel wannabe, disturbing skirt): She sounds like Pee-Wee Herman.

Jessica Rhode on Jessica Rhode (after being told she would most definitely NOT be going to Hollywood): I'm like waiting for them to come out here and be like 'psyche!'

Jess and Sheila, respectively, on Jesse Holloway (black dude, mumbler):

DisTAAANCE?

It's abusive!

Mejack on Charles Moody: If that doesn't say methamphetamine, I don't know what does. He's a gay, Uncle Sam tweaker.

Sheila on Tashawn Moore (when she "tuned in" to the imaginary sound coming through her imaginary headphones): Sweetie, there's no other sound in the room.

Mejack and Curly, respectively, on Perla Meneses:

Randy, your dick's talking.

She's like Shakira and Charo's love child.

Sheila on Jarrod Fowler (Navy Guy): Hun, I think you're hot and I want your cock, is what's happening.

Sheila and Mejack, respectively, on Michelle Steingas:

I like her.

I don't like her belt.

Mejack on Dayna Dooley (black chick whose boss wants to bang her): Randy's got a boner.

Curly and Sheila, respectively on Matt Sato (little gay boy with unfortunate mole who sang "California Dreamin"):

Uh oh, what's on your nose?

DON'T sex this song up.

Me? I'm not funny so I just take notes. Actually no, I have one:

Jess on Josh Flom (Chris Daughtry wannabe): You're not a rocker, you're a PUSSY.

We counted three "dawgs" from Randy. I guess he's trying to exercise a little restraint this season. Simon? Awesome. Paula? Drunk. Jewel? Wait, Jewel was there? I didn't notice. Also, TVgasm has a full recap. YouTube is letting me down in a big way, though. I want video of the juggler real bad.

UPDATE: Death by Camera has something truly awesome. The rejects' MySpace profiles. Of course, I don't know what Mejack is going to do with her afternoon now, but still. Amazing. Via Gawker.

Wow

That's all I can say. Paula Abdul at KCPQ TV-13, the Fox affiliate in Seattle, talking about the auditions there, her magical pet monkey and how she's single-handedly going to bring peace to the Middle East. I mean, just, wow.

Mark Your Calendars

FOX has announced their schedule for the 6th season of American Idol. Are you excited? Can you contain yourselves? I actually can't, which makes me a bigger dork than I'd previously thought. Anyway, here are the dates you'll need to know.

• January 16th and 17th: Premiere (8:00-10:00 each night)



• January 23rd and 24th: Regular time slots begin (8:00 p.m. on Tuesday and 9:00 p.m. on Wednesday, Memphis and New York auditions)



• January 30th and 31st: Birmingham [Ed: Dear God, no more Alabama] and San Antonio auditions



• February 6th and 7th: L.A. auditions and some other "rest of the best" nonsense



• February 13th and 14th: Top 24 announced



• February 20th, 21st and 22nd: Y'all finally get to vote. Don't fuck it up. Also, the results show moves to Thursday and Tuesday and Wednesday focus on performances (one night for the ladies and one for the dudes), meaning that I will no longer have a life three nights out of the week instead of two.



• February 27th, 28th and March 1st: Top 20



• March 6th, 7th and 8th: Top 12 finalists



• March 13th and 14th: Back to your regularly scheduled programming

And that's all I got. When I have more, I'll of course pass it along to you.

The Final Countdown

Doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot doot! Doot doot doot doot…

(Hm, no one remembers that song by the 80s hair band Europe? Well, okay then.)

We are officially back from our semi-hiatus to start the countdown to Idol madness. Can you stand the suspense?

15 Days!

Now, let's get to the news, shall we?

Jennifer Hudson, who y'all couldn't be bothered to vote for but will still happily climb on the bandwagon now, to be honored by the Oklahoma Film Critics, which is probably not that big of a deal. I mean, Oklahoma? I didn't even know they had films there. (Playbill)

Everything you always wanted to know about Simon Cowell. Oh wait, no. That was the Rolling Stone interview. This is just less of the same. (Extra)

The predictions are in: Idol 6 ratings are going to suck ass. In related news, Midol bloggers wonder why the hell it took them five years to come up with the idea to blog about the show. (Reality TV Magazine)

Breaking! Simon Cowell makes a buttload of money. I initially typed "buttloaf" there, which is funny. (United Press International)

Audition Videos Galore! See the freaks who came out for their chance to be on the show. (American Idol Official Site)