Wednesday News Update and Predictions

Phil Stacey May Be Going to Iraq
Phil Stacey may be going off to Iraq instead of to the Idols Live tour this summer, the Los Angeles Times says. It’s kind of a non-story, because no one confirmed it. I’m more concerned with the fact that Phil’s Navy rock band is called “Pride,” which seems awfully wimpy for a band that is composed of military guys who play rock music. (National Ledger)

Jessica Sierra Will Cut a Bitch
Season 4 flunkie Jessica Sierra is being sued by a man who claims she gashed his head after hurling a cocktail glass at him. Sierra claims she thought he was someone who had spit in her face. She was charged with aggravated assault and cocaine possession. She was just holding the coke for someone, though. The jokes for this story write themselves, so I’ll refrain. (WOAI)

Amanda Coluccio Makes Music
Taking a page out of BFF Antonella Barba’s playbook, the season 6 contestant is making “sexy” music on MySpace, complete with “sexy” pics. In other news, should Amanda and Antonella not make it in the music industry (like that’s even possible), they’ll have a great future starring in lesbian porn together. (Buddy TV)

Bo Bice and, uh, Anthrax?
Anthrax members Scott Ian (aka my future husband) and Frankie Bello will jam with Bo Bice this Friday at Retox, the rock bar co-owned by Ian in NYC this Friday. I will be on a bus to Schenectady for Mother’s Day instead of at the show, crying. (93X Rocks)

And for my predictions, Blake and Kiki in the bottom two with Kiki going home. And I’m also predicting Jordin to win the whole damn thing.

Monday News Brief

Today's news brief will be just that because I feel like ass. I promise to get plenty of rest. In fact, all the boys' performances tomorrow night should be more potent than Nyquil in lulling me into a sound sleep. Until then...

Mario Vasquez Channels George Michael
Q: What's white and oozes down the bathroom wall?
A: Mario Vasquez's latest release.

Sorry, I simply cannot pass up the opportunity to show off my suprisingly large canon of foul, tastless jokes. Admittedly, I don't know shit about wine but I can certainly tell you every Helen Keller joke there is.

Okay, onto the useful portion of this news item... If you'll recall, the talented Season 4 contestant mysteriously dropped out of the competition despite favorable notices from all three judges. Rumors ranged from an impending record deal to accusations of homosexuality but no real explanation was given and then everyone kinda forgot and stopped caring. Or at least I did.

Two years later, the mystery is solved: It turns out, Mario tried playing a wee game of "I'll Show You Mine" with an Idol employee named Magdaleno Olmos, who did not, in fact, want to show Mario his in return, nor even see Mario's in the first place.

Mmm... fresh scandal! Antonella Barba is no doubt writing Mario a note of thanks for taking some of the heat off of her. Oh wait, can Antonella even write? (TMZ.com)

Jennifer Hudson Once Again Proves She's an Insufferable Beav
Recently, Simon Cowell took Jennifer to task for for downplaying American Idol's contribution to her current level of success. Her response:

"If I'd been any better at my job when I was at Burger King in my middle teens I wouldn't be here either, so should I thank them too?"

No, Jennifer, you don't have to thank Burger King. However, you should thank me for not putting my foot in your ass... yet. (Starpulse.com)

Paula Abdul Was 'Shocked' Over Sundance Head's Dismissal
Well, that makes one person who was. Clearly, her delusions are starting to surface. This certainly means a nice spike in The Official Paula Abdul Scattergram. Oh, goodie! (BuddyTV)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com

Result Show: The Recap

First of all, I don't want to hear the song "Stuck in the Middle With You" unless I'm watching someone's ear get cut off. I certainly don't want to listen to Haley Scarnato warble through it. Apparently, someone forgot to turn Sanjaya Malakar's mic on and dammit, Sundance actually sounds good. What the hell is going on?

Phil Stacey is safe! His wife claps and smiles prettily but deep down in the ugly parts of her brain I bet she's thinking, "You BEST be fucking safe after missing the birth of our child for this!"

Jared Cotter is going home. I rule! He pulls the Chris Daughtry douche move and acts surprised, then angry, then actually verbalizes how surprised he is. Cocky much? Antonella Barba is inexplicably crying at this news. The camera is avoiding Sundance, who is crying like a damn fool I'm sure.

Brandon Rogers and Melina Doolittle are brought out, the two backup singers. Is there room for two backup singers in this competition? Why yes, there is. I was wrong about Brandon, and I'm glad.

Carrie Underwood hits the stage. Seriously, how can you not like Carrie Underwood? She's adorable, she seems sweet, and she can sing like nobody's business. She almost makes me enjoy country. And Jesus.

Antonella is going home. For once, I am proud of America. Well, the part of America that isn't my Little Brother, anyway. I was wrong about Stephanie Edwards, and once again, I am glad.

[Side note: LB just sent me an IM about his darling Antonella. What a sad day. Like remembering where you were when The Challenger exploded.]

Sabrina Sloan and Haley Scarnato take the stage. They are both crying. I have a very, very bad feeling. My feeling is confirmed as they announce that Sabrina's journey ends. Suddenly, I hate America again. Sundance wipes big man tears out of his eyes.

Thursday announcement: Idol wants to give back. Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest took a trip to Africa. They hung out with children living under horrible conditions. I can't even snark on this, because this obviously had a profound effect on both of them, and they were adorable with the kids, particularly Simon. Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul are heading to New Orleans next to help victims of Katrina. This is very cool, y'all. Anyway, there are going to be two television "events" to support the cause. Here are the DEETS (Mejack loves it when I say DEETS):

April 24th and 25th: Tuesday's show will be an inspirational songs theme. The top six remaining contestants will sing, and for every vote the American public casts, Coca Cola, AT&T and "others" will donate money. Ford will also be contributing through a weekly video series. Viewers at home will be able to make their own contributions via an 800-number or online. Quincy Jones will be writing a song for the top six to perform, and special guests will include; Borat, Gwen Stefani, Pink, Josh Groban, Bono, Annie Lennox and Michael Buble.

Last up: Sanjaya Malakar and Sundance Head. I honestly don't care which one of them is going home. It’s Sundance! The judges are shocked, because in the reality they choose to live in, Sundance hasn't sucked since Hollywood. Also, when they told him he sucked week after week? Never happened. Sundance does unspeakable things to Pearl Jam, again, and that, my friends, begins the finals on American Idol.

Thursday News Update

Nigel to Rosie: We Love Fatties, Black People
Idol Executive Producer Nigel Lithgoe has fired back at Rosie for calling the show "racist" and "weightiest" for keeping Antonella Barba after booting Frenchie Davis from the competition in season two. To illustrate his point, Nigel points out that Randy Jackson is a fatty-fatty-two-by-four. (TMZ)

Rosie to Nigel: Whatever
Rosie fired back at Nigel on her blog, with, you guessed it! Bad poetry. In a post entitled "star search/american idol," daytime television's own poet laureate says:

well…
what can u say really
from the coca-cola red couch

i call it as i see it
nigel l - sam r
same same same
1985 - 2007
blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah

Oooh, burn! And by "burn," I mean, wait, what? (r blog)

Jennifer Hudson's Surprise Visit
Jennifer Hudson reportedly dropped in on the season six semifinalists last week on elimination day. The reason, she said, was to meet them and offer encouragement. Let's hope she also told them a cautionary fairy tale about a girl who found success after Idol and then acted like a giant asshole and forgot where she came from. You know, like a fictional bedtime story. (Star Pulse)

Americans Love Daughtry, Hate Good Music
DAUGHTRY, the album from Chris DAUGHTRY's band DAUGHTRY (sensing a theme?) is at #1 again, apparently breaking all sorts of records. In other news, I listen to "It's Not Over" to help me get to sleep at night.

All Antonella Barba, All the Time
If you're still into that kind of thing, Little Brother, (who despite my text last night which said "vote for antonella and suffer my wrath" still did it) more pics of the Idol hopeful acting like a drunk college girl.

Antonella Barba Says "Keep Talkin'!"
On her MySpace page, Barba has posted a message which says, "Keep talking, you're making me famous." You have to be her friend to see the rest of her profile, though, and something tells me she isn't going to want to be our friend. But you want to be our friend, Don't you?

And now for the predictions:

Moi: Stephanie Edwards and Haley Scarnato, see ya!

Dial Idol's also got their money on Stephanie Edwards and Haley Scarnato.

AOL's Idol poll has Antonella and Haley at the bottom. If only.

And just because she's my American Idol, here's Tara Reid singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart":

Top 8 Girls: The Recap

Ah, much better than last night! Although, maybe it was the bottle of Riesling that I killed while watching tonight's show that made my enjoyment increase exponentially... Nah, the girls are just better. But that's kind of like saying that not scalding yourself with hot water is better than, uh, you know, scalding yourself with hot water.

Wow, I'm drunk.

Anyhoo, on with the show...

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "Heartbreaker" by Pat Benatar
Like, I know she's underage and stuff and it can totally get me thrown in jail but, dude, I love this girl. My crush is nowhere near the McPhee/Carrie Underwood level but still, I dig Jordin. She's beautiful and I would love to have just five minutes alone with her. I guarantee she'd emerge from that meeting with, at the very least, a few questions about her sexuality. The straight girls dig me, you see...

Anyhoo, I love that she tackled :: all bow :: Pat Benatar but I don't love what she did with the song. I wrote down "kind of manic" on my big yellow legal pad and was positively chuffed when Simon echoed my sentiments during his critique. Still, I think she has a lot of potential, a great personality and the precise amount of youthful exuberance that makes her enjoyable without being annoying.

Sabrina Sloan
Performed: "Don't Let Go" by En Vogue
This was kind of yelly. And I don't care for Sabrina's nose. But the curls? Well, I love those. The song, though, I don't recollect much if it which, perhaps, doesn't bode well for Sabrina. However, the night is still young and Antonella has yet to "sing."

Speak of the devil...

Antonella Barba
Performed: "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae
Antontella's secret is that she's been playing the violin since the age of four. And by playing the violin since the age of four she means... oh fuck it, the "Antonella is a whore" jokes are so played out. I'm not even going there. As for the song, it was better than her previous attempts but, well, see my scalding water example above.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "If My Heart Had Wings" by Melissa Manchester
Simon often uses the "That was like something you'd see in a theme park" criticism and sometimes, I don't really know what he's getting at. Tonight, however, I do. I really, really do. Except, Simon didn't apply that particular assessment tonight when really, he should have. I have been to every park with the Disney World logo slapped on it and that's precisely the type of cheese you'd see at, like, Epcot and that, my friends, is a very, very bad thing.

Also, I'm not sure if this is related or not, but I wrote "just like Marie Osmond" in my notes tonight. A cheesy, overly-earnest performance with syrupy song lyrics... Marie Osmond... Yup, sounds about right.

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "Sweet Thing" by Chaka Khan
Stephanie told us that her secret was that she was shy as a child. If you ask me, her real secret is that she stole Fantasia's hairdo.

I can't really say any more about Stephanie because I used her performance as an opportunity to throw in a load of laundry and refill my glass of the aforementioned Riesling. Make of that what you will.

Lakisha Jones
Performed: "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston
Even though Lakisha dared to pick a song from the forbidden list, she at least did the song justice. I guess. I don't know. I hate that song. But she at least she didn't embarrass herself. And, honestly, it kind of touched my heart when Simon complimented Lakisha on her beauty tonight. Lest you think I'm going soft, I'll refer you to my previous mentions of wine consumption. That shit makes me schmoopie. While I'm loathe to part with my bitchy edge, wine is slightly less fattening than beer and as a weight-conscious alcoholic, I do what I can to cut calories here and there while still acquiring a decent buzz.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence
I didn't hate this, even though I'm not too keen on Gina. I don't despise her but Gina's in the same category of Blake -- she teeters on the edge of being an asshole. She's not quite there but there's serious potential.

I kind of like how she incorporated the band in her number though. She obviously knew the song well enough to know when to turn around, face the band dramatically and, uh, rock out as well as one can rock out to Evanescence.

You'll have to forgive my snobbery here because even though Evanescence could very well be legit, I have a default disdain for newer bands and their level of bad-assitude. That shit has to be earned over years in the spotlight. Evanescence is still too new to have respectable cred.

OMG, I just said "cred" in relation to a band's ability to rock. I'm not sure I like myself as wino. I'm not nearly this much of a music geek when I'm bombed on beer, I assure you.

Speaking of the band, who did the drummer blow to get this much camera time? As I recall, he received upwards of five close-ups during Nick Pedro's "Fever" last week. Rickey Minor cannot be happy about this. Uh, unless, of course, he was on the receiving end of said hummer...

Melinda Doolittle
Performed: "I'm a Woman" by Peggy Lee
I hope she wins the whole thing. I'll be sorely disappointed if she doesn't. She has the singing skills in conjunction with a refreshing lack of attitude that makes her a prime candidate to take the Idol crown.

Tonight's performance was stunning. She's simultaneously polished and rough around the edges and I love her for it. Her singing skills are stellar but at the same time, she possesses a vulnerable modesty that is so endearing. She's completely genuine yet profoundly talented. Offstage, she seems to be quiet and hesitant about the attention. Onstage, however, she just unloads and it's awesome in its contradiction and SO natural. I adore her.

Tonight, I think Melinda took a monumental leap forward from her status as a background singer, but at the same time, she managed to work her way to the back of the stage during her performance and align herself with the talented trio of backup singers and proceeded to sing to/with them briefly before strutting towards center stage. It was at once a respectful acknowledgement of who she once was and where's she's headed. Awesome.

Even though she didn't need it, I cast my vote for Melinda tonight because, at last, I'm finally inspired by someone in this boring ass competition.

Predictions: Haley's gone. Antonella should be right behind her but alas, that's probably not the case. Hmm, decisions, decisions... I'm guessing it's between Sabrina and Stephanie, which is completely bogus because they can both sing circles around that stupid shit from Point Pleasant. If Antonella was at least likable, I'd rally for her as an underdog but she's got the personality of a wet mop. And depending on her previous night's activities, probably the same smell as one. Ha! I kill me... But I digress, I think Stephanie will be right on the heels of Marie Osmond, er, I mean Haley.

Wednesday News Update

Should we even call it a news update anymore? Isn't it really just an Antonella Barba update at this point? Anyway, without further ado…

Take a Gamble on Antonella Barba
Online betting site WagerWeb is less concerned with who will win this season of Idol and more so on what dramas will play out. I don't know about you, but I think that's a lot more fun than watching the guys perform. Not surprisingly, they have an entire category devoted to our favorite Jersey Girl. Among the items one can bet on are: she will appear nude in Playboy and she will be photographed drunk with Paris Hilton. You know, I was going to declare a ban on all things Antonella, but she's so damn good for traffic, and I'm nothing if not a traffic whore. Antonella Barba, Antonella Barba, Antonella Barba…

Joe Francis Wants Antonella Barba to Go Wild
Girls Gone Wild creator and notorious scumbag Joe Francis wants Antonella, and she doesn't even have to flash her boobs. Francis has reportedly offered her $250,000 to host one of his racy videos. Oh, Joe. She would have done it for free.

Chi-Town to Jennifer Hudson: …
Yesterday was officially Jennifer Hudson Day in the Oscar-winner's hometown of Chicago. Only when she asked the crowd for audience participation, she was met with dead silence. A second attempt yielded the same results. Backlash for all of her Idol smacktalking, perhaps?

FOX: 1, Rosie: 0
FOX issues Rosie O'Donnell a smackdown for her recent negative comments about the show -- they won't let The View use clips anymore. If only shutting Rosie up were that easy.

Poll Time: Is There an 'Idol' Double Standard?

The Antonella Barba scandal continues! Some folks are none too pleased that the not-so-camera-shy contestant remains in the running while Season Two's Frenchie Davis got the premature boot but good for the same reason.

Were Frenchie's pictures dirtier? Maybe? Is it because she's got a bit o' the junk in the trunk? Perhaps. Or did her race play a part in the decision? Rosie O'Donnell seems to think so. Because, uh, Rosie is now an expert on race relations in America? Say what you want about Rosie but at least she's consistent in having shrill, ill-informed, knee-jerk responses to just about everything. Rarely does she throw us for a loop with say, a lucid, well-researched argument.

Dumbasses aside, Frenchie rightfully wants to know why she was dismissed while Antonella remains. So, what say you...

Is there a double standard on American Idol?
	Yup
	Nope
	I dunno
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Tuesday News Update

We didn't have a Monday update, and it was all my fault because I got drunk and watched The Wicker Man with Chicken Supreme instead of posting one. That movie is a craptastic joy to watch, let me tell you.

Antonella Barba is Jesus
How Antonella Barba became the most famous person on Earth boggles the mind. Look, she's even on toast now. Toast! (eBay)

Antonella Barba Also Pisses People Off
A bunch of people who have way too much time on their hands and could use a nice gin and tonic and possibly some meditation to chill the fuck out, are protesting at the Kodak Theater as I write this because they think Antonella should get the boot. Whatever. Also, more pics of her acting like a porn star at the WWII memorial. (WWTDD, aka Jess' Future Husband)

Jennifer Hudson's Pants Are on Fire
'Extra' decided to do a little investigative journalism, and look into Jennifer Hudson's incessant claims that Simon was a big old meanie to her and the show was abusive and wah wah boo hoo you're famous now shut up. Anyway, turns out she's a big old liar. I'm taking Beyonce's side. (TMZ)

Simon Cowell Thinks Taylor Hicks Sucks
I knew there was a reason Simon was my homeboy. While we don't all hate Taylor Hicks here at American Midol, the haters are most definitely in the majority. Shocking, right? Us hating someone? (TV Grapevine)

Simon Cowell Also Thinks Rehab is Cool
I usually agree with what Simon has to say, but when he takes on my girl Britney Spears, I need to defend her. Give her a break, dude. Girlfriend lost her freaking mind. (TV Grapevine)

Thursday News Brief

You'll have to forgive me if I'm a little light on the snark in today's news roundup. I'm still reeling from the fact that my boy, AJ Tabaldo, was sent home early tonight. That's just bullshit. I join my colleagues, Jess and Mejack, in condemning the sad state of affairs in this country. Shame on us! Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!

Here are your headlines, America, even though I have half a mind to deprive you of them entirely on account of your bad behavior tonight:

Jennifer Hudson to Be Honored in Her Hometown of Chicago
If there's any justice, AJ Tabaldo will receive a similar homecoming in Santa Maria, CA. People of Santa Maria, you best heed my advice. (People)

It's Official: Antonella's Not Getting the Boot
For those of you hoping the show would ship the rather reckless contestant back to Jersey, no such luck. Producer Nigel Lythgoe stated in a recent interview that Barba would remain on the program until the viewers voted her off.

Tonight, poor AJ Tabaldo is wondering where he went wrong. Oh right, he didn't flip off the camera repeatedly nor did he smile and say cheese whilst on the can. Silly boy! I guess he didn't want it bad enough. (National Ledger)

Katharine McPhee Spotted... Gasp!... Eating Food
The NYC gossip pages caught the Season 5 runner up dining on pineapple chicken fried rice and some awesome-sounding peanut butter dessert at Ruby Foo's this past weekend. Do you know who wasn't eating overpriced mediocre Asian food this past weekend? AJ Tabaldo, that's who! (NY Daily News)

And that's your lot, America. I hope you're satisfied.

Results Show: The Recap

Let me blog about this bullshit show while it's still fresh in my mind. America, I hate you.

First to get the ax was Nick Pedro. I predicted him to go, and in this case, I think America got it right. When he did his exit song, I thought it was really cute when he turned away from the audience and gave each of the guys handshakes. Simon was right when he said it was Nick's lack of charisma that got him voted off.

Next to go home was Alaina Alexander. This was a pleasant surprise, as I thought America would be too smitten with her cute face and pretty hair to let her go. I thought it was kind of lame how she gave up on the song halfway through, though. If I remember correctly, Ayla Brown cried through her whole exit song and still managed to rock it. Also, when Paula was delivering her parting words did the sound cut off on the actual show, or was that just my digital cable?

Then Kellie Pickler performed. As I've mentioned previously, I'm not a fan of the Pickler. And the way they had her all done up, with the weird hair and the harsh eye makeup, she looked like a washed-up, 60-year-old ex-country singer who just can't give up the karaoke bars. Also, did she get a boob job? If not, I really want to find out where she gets her bras and stock up, because her rack was awe-inducing. The song itself, I hate to admit, kind of touched me. I thought it was sad and it was sweet and I actually thought she sounded good. Good thing her rehearsed conversation with Ryan afterward about how spider sushi isn’t really spiders brought my rage back, though.

Next to go home was A.J. Tabaldo. What the fuck, America? Mejack, did you vote for Sanjaya more than you voted for A.J? If you did, then I blame you. Also, I hate that they make the losers sing the song that got them voted off. It's unnecessarily cruel.

Then, Leslie Hunt got the boot, which was no real surprise but still bummed me out because 1) I really liked her and 2) fucking Antonella is still here. Damn you, LB! I loved how she replaced the scat part of the song with this, though. "Why did I decide to scat? America don't care for jazz." Leslie and I could so hang.

Also, the Daughtry song that they play over the montage is worse than "Had a Bad Day." The latter was at least insidious enough to get stuck in my head for days. With Daughtry, I get to forget it exists and then have the same dull reminder each week.

Now, let's talk about the criers. Sundance cries a LOT. He cried when Nick got the boot. He cried when A.J. got the boot. I don't have cinematographic evidence, but I think he may have cried through the whole show. Also, you know how when something upsets a toddler, he or she stands there making that awful face while they try to decide whether or not they're going to cry? That's Sundance Head's cry face, and it ain't pretty. Also joining in the waterworks were Jordin, who teared up a little when Alaina got the boot and sobbed when Leslie did, Stephanie, who teared up when Alaina got the ax and Gina Glocksen, who pretty much just lost her shit when Leslie went. Melinda Doolittle cried when A.J. got the boot, but I wonder if that's just because she realized you can get high praise from the judges and still be sent packing on any given week.

America? Suck it. And if you keep Sanjaya and Antonella one more week, I'm moving to Canada.

Top 10 Girls Recap

I just had a startling realization. We have no rocker and no country singer this season on 'Idol.' Maybe that's why I'm so bored -- no diversity among the contestants really. Also, I would like to share with you the text message conversation I had with Little Brother last night during the show:

Me: Antonella Barba cannot sing.

LB: Who cares? Did you see those cans?

Me: You live in Long Island. Every girl looks like that.

LB: Fair enough, but they don't all have trashy pics posted on the Internet.

And thus he continues to support her. He even told me he'd be voting for her every week she remains on the show. So if she keeps assaulting my ears week after week, I'll blame him. And now, ladies and gentleman, your recap:

Gina Glocksen: Heart - 'Alone'
I know Gina is getting a lot of shit for doing this song after Carrie Underwood rocked it so hard. Whatever, I like Gina, I thought she did a great job and I dug the outfit.

Alaina Alexander: Dixie Chicks - 'Not Ready to Make Nice'
Alaina sucks, and she keeps proving it week after week. She's out of her league. Send her home.

Lakisha Jones: Gladys Knight - 'Midnight Train To Georgia'
One of my biggest and most frequent complaints about this show is that they haven't had someone who comes out week after week and just nails it since Kelly Clarkson. I'm sure I drive everyone crazy with my "Kelly Clarkson never had a bad performance" whining. Thank God for Lakisha Jones. She was awesome last night. I do agree with Simon on the outfit, though -- homegirl looked like she was about to run to the Target for some slingbacks.

Melinda Doolittle: Mitzi Green - 'My Funny Valentine'
Double thank God for Melinda! I love, love, love her. As Randy Jackson would say, she's da bomb, baby!

Antonella Barba: Celine Dion - 'Because You Loved Me'
Okay, seriously. Get this chick off the show. She cannot sing. She makes my ears bleed. She was like a 10-year-old at a talent show. Also, Antonella, you are not Jennifer Hudson. Don't compare yourself to her. She has talent. You have photographic evidence that you pee sitting down.

Jordin Sparks: Christina Aguilera - 'Reflection'
I love Jordin, but I hate this song and I hated her rendition of it. Still, she's adorable and likeable and I think she's drummed up enough support that she'll make it through this week.

Stephanie Edwards: Beyonce - 'Dangerously In Love'
I've never really understood this song. It's weird and complicated and all over the place and when I hear it, I just don't understand what it's trying to do. Still, I think Stephanie Edwards did it on par with Beyonce. I'm not sure it bodes well for her, though, that each week when they announce her name I think, "Wait, who's Stephanie Edwards again?"

Leslie Hunt: Nina Simone - 'Feeling Good'
Have we ever had a week where two people sang the same song? I dig Leslie and her superweirdness and her smoky voice, but it's hard not to compare her rendition to A.J.'s when he was so awesome. I worry for Leslie -- she's this season's Melissa McGhee

Haley Scarnato: Whitney Houston - 'Queen of the Night'
This was strange and screamy and her hair was awful and her outfit made her look like she was about to have a drink out on the lanai with Blanche Devereaux. And that's all I have to say about that.

Sabrina Sloan: Whitney Houston - 'He Fills Me Up'
Like I said before, Sabrina can sing -- no doubt about that. I don't like her, and it's completely irrational. I still don't think she exudes any sort of likable personality, and I'm not sure how much longer she's going to last. Also, every time I hear this song, I think he's filling me up with semen and it grosses me out.

Going home: Haley and Leslie
Should be going home: Antonella and Alaina

News, Predictions, Thoughts, etc.

Last night, we were lucky enough to watch 'Idol' at Mejack's, while we stuffed ourselves full of chips and dip and Chinese food and booze. Aside from Jared Cotter's boner, I barely remember the show. That may have been all the wine, though. My predictions: Nick Pedro and Jared Cotter. Before I get into the news, though, here are some other people's predictions:

Dial Idol says Nicolas Pedro and Brandon Rogers.

EW's Michael Slezak think it will be Nicolas Pedro and Sanjaya Malakar

AOL's poll has Sundance Head and Brandon Rogers at the bottom.

For the record, I think Sanjaya's cuteness, Sundance's um… whatever it is that makes people still root for him and Brandon's camera fucking will keep the three of them around for at least another week. And now, your news:

Some people are just OUTRAGED that Antonella Barba got photographed doing what she does best -- behaving like a porn star (Did you think I meant singing?) at a WWII memorial. Not to be all judgy, but I'm guessing they live in red states and have secret porn stashes. (WorldNetDaily)

Simon thinks whoever sold the pics of Antonella are 'despicable.' Hugh Hefner thinks they're 'sexy.' I bet we all know what our favorite Jersey girl will be doing when she gets voted off. Don't worry. We'll buy the Playboy and scan the pics in for your viewing pleasure until someone threatens to sue us. (Access Hollywood)

Taylor Hicks does not, in fact, make America proud, as his album sales slide way down the charts. (Post-Tribune)

If you ever go to a housewarming party for Chris Daughtry, bring razors and a bible. (People)

Jennifer Hudson's bolero from the center of the universe was not her fault. Also, oceans are a part of your world. Keep them clean. (Chocolate: The Magazine That's Better Than Sex That's really their tagline)

And finally, many of you want to know what Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Hudson wouldn't do that Carrie Underwood and Kellie Pickler did, thanks to the obnoxious and oft-repeated FOX promo last night. I thought it was anal, but it turns out I was wrong. It's thank 'Idol' for their success. Wait, Kellie Pickler's a "success"?

Tuesday's News

Simon Cowell Changes His Tune for Jennifer Hudson
Simon ain't no fool. He knows to get on the golden girl's good side now, you know, even though he trashed her repeatedly during her run on the show. Bygones! Right, Jennifer? Right? (People)

Is the World Really Ready for a Lisping Rapper?
Kevin Covais reportedly spits (and I do mean SPITS) on Paris Bennett's upcoming album. Because I sometimes like to be annoyed, I'm going to have download that bad boy when it comes out. I'll be sure to keep some paper towel handy. It could get messy. (Entertainment Weekly)

Sundance's Daddy's Dance Steps Were Too Hot for James Brown
Apparently, The Godfather of Soul took one look at Roy Head's dancing and booted him from his tour many moons ago. As Roy tells it, 'twas Brown's jealousy of his wicked moves that caused his ouster. Wow, now I understand where Sundance gets his delusions that that thing sprouting from his chin is attractive. (USA Today)

Antonella Barba Is the "Least Slutty Person" Amanda Coluccio Knows
Is it just me or is that not exactly a ringing endorsement? Or as Jess astutely observed, "Amanda must hang around with some real whores then." (Defamer)

American Idol's Got the Fever for the Flavor of Pringles
First it was Dreyer's Ice Cream and now Pringles has aligned itself with our beloved TV program. I think it's safe to say that the person lining up the sponsorships is a complete stoner. (American Idol Worship)

Monday News Update

Today in Antonella Barba news: blowjob pics that may or may not be her! No one taught her that very important lesson about how letting people take racy photos of you in compromising positions in the Internet age is maybe not such a good idea if you want to become famous someday. I don't know about you, but I keep all my pics where I'm performing oral sex on people under lock and key. If you click through, photos are mostly safe for work. They have links to the super NSFW versions if you work at Penthouse or happen to be at home. Oh, Antonella. Anyone think she's going to get booted for this? (I Don't Like You in That Way)

Vote for the Worst Has Even MORE Shocking photos of Ms. Barba. Totally safe for work, but you might not be the same after seeing them.

Leslie Hunt has lupus, is being honored by the Lupus Research Institute Chicago (PR Newswire)

Nigel Lithgoe drops more hints about an upcoming announcement. I am getting really tired of Nigel's hints. I bet he leaves voicemail messages like, "Call me when you get a chance. I have some very important news!" I hate people who leave voicemail messages like that. I bet he makes people guess his age, too. (TV Week)

Didja hear? Jennifer Hudson won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar. Didja see? She dressed herself like a spaceman. (iVillage)

Rich, oily tool Brandon Davis did what he does best at Paris Hilton's 26th birthday bash on Saturday: acted like a complete ass. Inexplicably, Paula Abdul was in attendance, and, according to the Daily News:

But around 10 p.m., Davis started acting up. "He was hurling flowers at Paula Abdul," says a guest. "Then he began bombing her with Styrofoam flower-holders. He was shouting, 'Lick my [BLEEP], Paula!' He started mocking her ancestry by speaking gibberish in an Arabic accent.

And if you missed Tyra Banks feeling up Katharine McPhee, then watch this video and get with the program. How skinny does McPhee look, by the way?



Photo: I Don't Like You in That Way

Top 12 Girls: Curly's Recap

Even though my esteemed colleagues have already delighted and enthralled you with their most excellent episode summaries, I thought I'd give you one more wee thrill for today because I'm generous and caring like that... unless you cross me and then the only thing I'll happily dish out is a hateful stare and a severe ass whuppin'.

Um, guess who forgot to take her meds today? Here's something to keep you occupied while I go hit the Duane Reade for some more happy pills:

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "How Come You Don't Call Me" by Alicia Keys
Maybe all those hours spent listening to my iPod on an extremely high volume have rendered me deaf but I didn't think Stephanie did all that well. Does she have stage presence and charisma? Absolutely! Does she have busted knees today? For sure! But I don't think she was as great as the judges made her out to be. I didn't like her approach to this song at all. It was too deliberate and forced for my liking. I don't hate her though and for that, I'm sure Stephanie is relieved. Aren't ya, Steph?

Amy Krebs
Performed: "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt
I have to agree with Mejack's husband on her choice of dress. It most definitely looked like drapes. Or a bedspread from the Holiday Inn. She's toast. Bye, Amy. You're going home.

Leslie Hunt
Performed: "Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin
I really wish Idol producers would banish this song. I'm tired of these hacks butchering it, particularly bouncy dog walkers without a stitch of soul. Seriously, don't smile and dance like a goof during a song that requires equal parts sass and attitude. This was painful for me to watch. Simon, as always, nailed it when he suggested that she was out of her comfort zone.

Sabrina Sloan
Performed: "I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)" by Aretha Franklin
Finally!!! Someone did Aretha right. This was beyond awesome. I love her voice and call me biased, but I'm also digging her curls. Good on ya, Sabrina.

Antonella Barba
Performed: "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith
Well, that sucked. However, I fear we're stuck with Antonella. In fact, I bet she's going to be like that Russian kid with the hole in his throat who stayed around far too long because gay men thought he was hot.

Oh, and Antonella? In answer to the question you posed to the judges, "What can I do better?" I have several suggestions. For example, might I suggest not sucking majorly? Yeah, that'll work. Dropping out of the competition and going home is also an equally acceptable answer.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "Gimme One Reason" by Tracy Chapman
I love Jordin. In fact, she's my female equivalent of Chris Richardson. She can do no wrong. Unless either of them sing something from Creed or Anne Murray and then I'll abandon them right quick.

Nicole Tranquillo
Performed: "Stay" by Chaka Khan
What the hell was that?! Nicole, you're a honkey from Pennsylvania. And a voice major! Who told you to try to crack the urban market? Liking Chaka Khan is not license to sing her songs. Hell, I like Maria Callas but you don't hear me busting out any arias, do you? Well, I do but it's only when I'm in the shower or really drunk. Sometimes both. My muddled point is: Know your limits, dumb ass. Oh and stop dancing like a spaz. Class dismissed.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion
I really have nothing to say other than that I vote Haley as Most Likely to Headline a Show on the Norwegian Dawn.

Melinda Doolittle
"Since You've Been Gone" by Aretha Franklin
That kicked ass and for the rest of the season, I pity anyone who has to follow Melinda. Except maybe Lakisha Jones. Oh man, can you imagine a duet between those two?!?

Alaina Alexander
Performed: "Brass in Pocket" by The Pretenders
What did The Pretenders ever do to you, Alaina? Clearly something very wrong judging by the way you shit all over one of their best songs. Shameful! But even worse than that sin, if you can imagine it, were your dopey rim shot and "Call me!" gestures. Unforgivable. It's official: I hate you and you look like one of the chicks from Kissing Jessica Stein and I hate that movie too. In other words, I've got it in for you.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "All By Myself" by Celine Dion
I'm not really feeling Gina. Although, she was perhaps the one white girl of the evening who didn't suck total ass. I can't say I hate her but like Blake, she could easily venture into asshole territory. Proceed with caution, Gina, or you'll end up like Alaina and really, is there a worse fate than being on Curly McDimple's Shit List? I think not.

Lakisha Jones
Performed: "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holiday
That was hot. It will be really interesting though to see how Lakisha handles the weekly themes, particularly country music. Lakisha can blow but I'm curious to see if she can dial down the big voice and deliver a more subtle performance here and there. Wow, I just sounded all fancy and professional and shit. If no one else, I just impressed myself.

Predictions:
Say goodbye to Hollywood, Nicole Tranquillo and Amy Krebs.

More Thoughts

You know what's funny? Going into the semifinals, I really thought we had a lot of strong boys and a lot of weak girls. Turns out, that's not the case, because the girls rocked the motherfucking house last night! I agree with Mejack on the NADS thing, too. Here's my rundown:

Stephanie Edwards, "How Come You Don't Call Me": I seem to be the only one who thought this, but it felt like her lyrics weren't in the right place. Like, she was either singing too fast or too slow. Overall, though, I thought she did a good job.

Amy Krebs, "I Can't Make You Love Me": Who? What? I'm sorry, but I don't remember this Amy Krebs person you speak of.

Leslie Hunt, "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman": I agree with Randy that the song was too big for her. I also agreed with what Simon was trying to say, which is that she seemed uncomfortable. However, I dig her voice and I dig the fact that she's super-weird, and I hope she makes it through this week and really brings it next week.

Sabrina Sloan, "Never Loved a Man the Way That I Love You": Okay, yeah, whatever. Sabrina has a great voice, she hit all the notes, and yet I really don't care. She's talented, but I don't think she has the type of personality that will really make people connect with her and want to vote for her.

Antonella Barba, "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing": Worst. Song. Choice. Ever. After hearing her butcher Aerosmith, I really think she's out of her league in the competition. Also, the local FOX news station was supposed to be doing a story about her racy photos, but they mysteriously had "technical problems" and couldn't bring us the story. They're also based in Jersey. Coincidence? Hm…

Jordin Sparks, "Gimme One Reason": Awesome. Perfect. I hope she doesn't flame out halfway through the season like Lisa Tucker, last year's baby, did.

Nicole Tranquillo, "Stay": Awful and screamy and scary and the only thing I hated more than watching her scrunch her face up in rage was listening to her angrily shout lyrics at me. I was surprised that the judges weren't harsher. If I were Simon, I would have replaced "indulgent" with "horrifying."

Haley Scarnato, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now": Embarrassing confession: I love this song. I really do. It's a guilty pleasure. Keep in mind I listen to Pantera and Slayer and shit usually, which makes it even odder that I dig it. Anyway, I did not love it when Haley sang it. And I also scribbled this down as I was watching: What is she wearing? Is that PANTS? OMG, it's pants!

Melinda Doolittle, "Since You Been Gone": Honestly, how can you not root for Melinda Doolittle? Even the coldest, blackest of hearts (like mine) would have to warm over and brighten up when she performed. She might be the nicest person on Earth, and she's talented to boot. I tried to vote for her multiple times but couldn't get through.

Alaina Alexander, "Brass in Pocket": Alaina's cute and she has a good story, but I've never really been wowed by her vocally. Last night I thought she was just dreadful.

Gina Glocksen, "All By Myself": Hate the song, loved her. I honestly didn't think homegirl could sing like that. But WTF was Randy talking about when he said, "Big girl, big voice!" I'd hardly describe Gina as a "big" girl. Stop projecting your fatness onto others, Randy.

Lakisha Jones, "And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going": Did anyone notice all the wink-wink-nudge-nudge between Simon and Ryan when Ryan mentioned Jennifer Hudson before this song? I thought that was interesting, and I'm sure they had a good laugh about it while they shared a post-coital cigarette. Seriously, the two of them and their flirting is out of hand this season. Anyway, Lakisha, like all the big black girls who came before her, rocked the house. She was awesome. If she doesn't start hating on the gays and preaching about Jesus like Mandisa did last season, she might stay a crowd favorite.

My predictions? Amy and Haley are going home. If I had my way, though, it would be Antonella and Alaina. Unfortunately, Dial Idol has Antonella in the top three.

girls rule

Before I get into it I have something to say to the American Idol Establishment.

ENOUGH ALREADY with the "my parents are finally proud of me" sob story. It has been DONE AND DONE AND DONE. I am OVER IT.

Thank you.

So tonight. I think it suffices to say that the girls kicked the boys squarely in the nads. IN THE NADS.


Stephanie: Started off with the weepy parents-being-proud thing which made me not want to like her but she was really very good. I am wondering if she broke her knee caps after all was said and done.


Amy : My husband said "She is wearing my grandmother's drapes" Simon said she was forgettable. And he was right. I don't remember what she sang.

Leslie: That crazy bitch scares me and her outfit was like a equestrian jumper/streetwalker hooker boots science experiment gone awry. Her dancing was weird and herky jerky. It looked like she was doing the monster mash.


Sabrina: Well done.

Antonella: Ouch. Why WHY WHY WHY did she pick that stupid Aerosmith song? That was just rough all around and the judges were brutal. I got kind of mad actually, because, as I mentioned, she does look like my cousin Carmella and I felt like they were messing with Mi Cugina.

Jordan Sparks: Way to go. Spicing up a Tracy Chapman song is like spicing up wonderbread. Stellar effort.

Nicole: What the HELL WAS THAT? My husband remarked "Look, her dad is dancing. He must have written this song". Exactly. That was painful.

Haley: Sigh. I HATE THAT SONG. This chicken lists CELINE DION as her "American Idol" on her official profile.

CELINE IS AN EVIL CANADIAN CHEST BEATING ALIEN THAT MARRIED AN EIGHTY YEAR OLD MIND CONTROLLING SVENGALI.

That, people, is NOT someone to idolize. Unless, of course, Svengali Rene's evil mind control plan is working.

Melinda: I just adore this woman. I absolutely love her. My husband declared she was his favorite and he hates everyone.


Alaina: DON'T FUCKING SING THE PRETENDERS. Just don't. No one can touch Chrissie Hynde and trying to cover one of her songs is setting yourself up for a failure of massive proportions. Simon told Alaina that she has to depend on her looks. I think his weiner was angry.

Gina: You know, she sang pretty well but I want to punch her in her smug fucking face. I don't like her at all. Maybe I will eventually change my mind about her but as of right now I think my husband summed it up nicely- he said "I would not swerve if she jumped in front of my car" Yeah.

Lakisha: You rock on with your bad self, mama. Lakisha is up in the hizzy and goddamn she turned this mother out.

Predictions?

Nicole and Amy. OUT!

A Recap and a Roundup. Lucky Yous!

Okay, so I never quite got around to recapping the New York auditions when I said I would. My bad. What can I say? I suck and you should never ever date me.

But that's a story for another time and another blog. Oooh, shameless plug.

Anyhoo, I have to say that I was expecting to cringe through the entire two hours of this particular round because, prior to auditioning at Chelsea Piers in Manhattan, the contestants were first vetted at Continental Airlines Arena in East Rutherford, NJ. See, I grew up a stone's throw from there and I was hoping against hope that the denizens of my home state wouldn't show me up... because, clearly, I am the bastion of class and propriety and shit.

But I'm happy to report that my fellow Garden Staters held their own. While cheesy and kind of annoying, Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba of Holmdel and Point Pleasant, respectively, didn't leave me wishing that I was born five months premature when my family still resided in Brooklyn, NY. Again, they were cheesy but not horrendous.

Do you know who was horrendous though? That Fania Tsakalakos. She's the one who treated us to the Big Fat Greek Audition and informed us that she's "from Athens, Greece and New Jersey."

I'm confused. Did her mother go into labor on the way from Greece to Newark Airport? Enlighten me, Fania. Oh and since I'm on this kick where I make questionable comparisons between contestants and celebrities in my recpas, I'm going to go ahead and say that Fania looks like the end result if Lainie Kazan and Nia Vardalos mated. Opa!

Since Mejack did such a bang-up job of summarizing the show, I'm going to shut up and move on into the most recent American Idol headlines.

Never let it be said that I have not mastered the smooth segue...

Katharine McPhee gives a lovely interview to People Magazine this week. Shut up, Mejack. It's true! Among other things, she acknowledges that she came across as "aloof" and "dry" on the program. Self-critique is hot. My crush is restored. Again, shut up Mejack! (AmericanIdol.com)

Kat can also be found in a guest-starring role in the hit sitcom "Ugly Betty" on February 1 (ABC, 8PM EST). That is quite possibly, the one and only time the words "ugly" and "Katharine McPhee" were ever uttered in the same sentence. I'm so serious, Mejack. Zip it. (Blogcritics)

Chris Daughtry's first album bearing the oh-so-original name of Daughtry is currently No. 1 on The Billboard 200. I can't say I'm shocked. After all, this is a nation where the likes of Applebees and the Olive Garden thrive. We have an isatiable appetite for the bland, tasteless and ultimately unsatisfying. It's a wonder plain rice cakes are not the number one snack food. (AmericanIdol.com)

But, if Daughtry is your sort of thing and you happen to live in the Greensboro, North Carolina area, well, we just can never be friends. Oh, I kid. While I do think Chris is a tool, I have no beef with The Tar Heel State. Y'all will be the envy of many a geographically-challenged Daughtry fan when the chrome-domed singer treats his homestate to a free concert on March 23, 2007. Uh, yeah... have fun with that. (Monsters and Critics.com)

Lastly, those of you equipped with a PlayStation 2 -- and a desire to humiliate yourself in the privacy of your own home -- can "audition" for Idol courtesy of Konami's Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol. OMG. I don't have PlayStation but between this game and Guitar Hero, I think I really need to get myself one. Donations gladly accepted. I don't rule out the odd sexual favor in exchange. (A+E Interactive)

Photo: AmericanIdol.com