Results Recap

This year's finale was even more cobbled-together-variety-show-by-insane-people than it usually is, which I enjoyed a great deal.

Ryan opened the show by lying to us yet again and trying to convince us that it was the best season ever. The rating say otherwise, Seacrest. The vote breakdown was 56%/44%, and naturally I assume wee David Archuleta spanked David Cook with his screaming cult of 12-year-old girls.

Then he greets the judges. Randy's dressed like the doorman at the Willy Wonka hotel, in a red jacket with large white piping and checkered ascot. A tribute to Michael Johns, perhaps? Simon's chest is exposed, natch, and it's very red and very shiny. Hot wax treatment? I shuddered a little typing that.

They've lined up some ex-contestants to cover the rallies in the Davids' hometowns; Mikalah Gordon from season four in Kansas City and season three's Matthew Rogers in Salt Lake City. I am not even exagerating a little bit when I tell you that they are the two most annoying people ever to walk the earth. I tend to think America doesn't often get it right when they're given an opportunity to vote on something, but I thank my lucky stars they sent those two tools packing when they did.

I'm not going to recap any of the group sings, because it all sounds like It's a Sunshine Day to me. I will point out some highlights, though. Final 12 from last season's So You Think You Can Dance? Awesome. Amanda Overmyer trying to sing anything? The second she opened her mouth to sing, the boyfriend said, "What is that?!" and then giggled every single time she opened her mouth for the entire show. Why did Amanda even show up? I did totally groove to "Freedom," though, because I fucking LOVE that song.

I also won't be recapping The Love Guru bullshit. In fact, I'm calling FOX today and demanding to be reimbursed for that five minutes of my life. I think six zeroes should do it.

Celebrities in the audience: Holly Robinson Peete, Janice Dickenson, Joel McHale and a whole bunch of past contestants including Melinda Doolittle, Bo Bice and Justin Guarini.

Celebrities on stage in run-on fashion: Seal, with Syesha, Donna Summer, with Syesha, Jimmy Kimmel, Bryan Adams, looking exactly how you'd expect him to look after not seeing him for thirty years, ZZ Top, with David Cook, Graham Nash, with Brooke White, the chaste Jonas Brothers, who I had never, ever seen before the show, One Republic, with David Archuleta, Jordin Sparks, in the least flattering dress ever made (seriously, if a dress makes your calves look fat, you need to fire your stylist), Jack Black, Ben Stiller, and Robert Downey Jr. singing backup for Fake Gladys Knight and it's not funny AT ALL, and George Michael, bespectacled and mumbly.

The Ford commercial is nothing more than a clip show set to the tune of "Let the Good Times Roll." I hate clip shows. Very lazy.

No Golden Idols this year, thank God, but we do get a performance from Renaldo Lapuz, reprising his mega-hit "I Am Your Brother," complete with a marching band and cheerleaders, and then later, Paula and Randy join him on stage and bop around uncomfortably. It's funny for about 30 seconds, and then my ears start to bleed, which really decreases my enjoyment factor.

Carrie Underwood, you guys. I mean, what?! She was wearing a suit jacket with sleeves that came down to the floor, and no pants. I mean, what?! How do you even reconcile that in your head? It's like she had pants on at one point, and then decided to cut them at the crotch and glue them to her sleeves. The thing is, Carrie Underwood seems so normal. If Dolly showed up in that, I wouldn't even blink. But I continue to be just flummoxed by the insane shit Carrie Underwood wears on stage. And now the song. Kids, let this be a lesson to you. This is what happens when you don't let Jesus take the wheel:

Last night I got served a little too much of that poison baby
Last night I did things I'm not proud of
And I got a little crazy
Last night I met a guy on the dance floor
And I let him call me baby

And I don't even know his last name
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know his last name

We left the club right around three o'clock in the morning
His Pinto sitting there in the parking lot Well it should have been a warning
I had no clue what I was getting into
So I blame it on the Cuervo
Oh where did my manners go?

And I don't even know his last name
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know his last name
Here we go...

Today I woke up thinkin' about Elvis somewhere in Vegas
I'm not sure how I got here
Or how this ring on my left hand just appeared out of nowhere
I gotta go
I take the chips and the Pinto and hit the road
They say what happens here stays here
All of this will disappear
There's just one little problem...

I don't even know my last name
Oh my mama would be so ashamed
It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

What have I done
What have I done
What have I done
Oh, what have I done
I don't even know my last name

It turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

It started off "Hey cutie, where ya from?"
And then it turned into
"Oh no, what have I done?"
And I don't even know my last name

Carrie Underwood is a whore, yo. Results, time, FINALLY. Simon apologizes to David Cook for being hard on him, and David Cook looks so unbelievably pissed, because he's thinking that Simon totally fucked him with his criticism and Archuleta's going to win. But... it's David Cook! By 12 million votes! 98 million total!

So here's where I make my startling admission, y'all. I was touched when he won. He cried. And then he sang his crappy, awful single, "The Time of My Life," which has nothing whatsoever to do with putting baby in a corner, and he's grinning from ear to ear, and he's singing the cheesy lyrics like he really believes them, and I'll admit it: It got me righthere.

"I'm going to make a prediction," I said to the boyfriend. "David Cook is going to be more famous than Daughtry." He's skeptical, but really, just happy that the show is over and wondering why he agreed to watch it with me in the first place.

So that's it. The season was boring and made me want to stab myself in the eye, Jason Castro made my loins tingle, and the last five minutes of the finale warmed my cold, dead heart. I still fucking hate David Cook, though. Sort of.

Friday News Update: Now With More Hoff!

So remember when Taylor Hicks won American Idol, and David Hasselhoff and I both burst into tears, me because I was weeping for the utter stupidity of my dialing countrypersons, and the Hoff because he was presumably one of said countrypersons? Well, not so, as it turns out. He of the momentous German fame told TMZ that he was sitting next to his friend who had brain cancer who has since passed on his birthday. And I'm not going to even snark on that, because I do have a shriveled heart in there somewhere. You can watch the video here.

Jeff Archuleta, father of David, is apparently a giant prick. He makes Joe Simpson look like an affable, loving gent who isn't at all creepily obsessed with his daughter Jessica's breasts, in fact. Jeff likes to harass David's competitors (i.e. Tiffany Evans on Star Search) and yell at little David all the time. Full story here.

Who will replace Amanda Overmyer as Vote for the Worst's newest poster girl? Why, Kristy Lee Cook, of course! I'm officially sick of VFTW. That chick has already overstayed her welcome by about three weeks. Story here.

Sing that Kumbaya in key, bitches! Idol Camp is back for its second year, with guest mentors Ace Young, Bo Bice and Jon Peter Lewis. Here's the baffling part of the story -- it says Ace Young was nominated for a Grammy?! "And the award for best camera fucker goes to..." Full story here.

Not to start a pro-life/pro-choice debate, but I think this is just whack -- "Idol Gives Back," the charity program of "American Idol," is not worthy of support from people who regard unborn life as sacred, a pro-life leader says." If you want to read the rest, it's here. If you're anything like me and prone to rage, you might want to just skip it.

Thievy McCopyrightinfringementpants, aka David Cook, is being taken to task for yet another stolen arrangement. Apparently his rocked-out version of "Eleanor Rigby" belonged to a band called Doxology, and they released a statement (Read it here). I'm guessing that's probably why David actually gave credit to Whitesenake for their arrangement last week.

Top 11: Results

I could lie and tell you that I knew exactly who was going to be sent home tonight but I'd be a lying sack of shit if I did that. I never actually posted my predictions this week but had I done so, I would have once again waved buh-bye to Kristy Lee Cook. I would have also predicted that Syesha and Ramiele would be sitting alongside her in the Stools o' Shame nervously awaiting their fate. Had I done so, my average would have sunken lower than... uh... you know, something really low. But I didn't go on record so my average stays the same... which isn't saying much.

And now, on with the show...

Ryan opens the show by planting yet another big wet one on the collective Beatles ass and then segues into a promo for the other notable names who will loom large this season. Serving as mentors in upcoming episodes, we can expect: Dolly "Can't See Her Shoes Either" Parton, Mariah Carey, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Neil Diamond.

Oh man, the Andrew Lloyd Webber show is going to be a complete cheese fest. Ten bucks says David Cook will pick something from Jesus Christ Superstar. I further predict that the girls will seriously duke it out over which one gets to sing "Memory" from Cats. The fur, as they say, will fly.

Next up was the horrendous medley portion of the program where we heard snippets of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," "Here, There and Everywhere," "Because" and "The End." During Kristy Lee Cook's brief solo, the camera jerked violently to the left totally robbing her of precious face time. I thought for sure it was a sign of things to come. Sigh.

Right before the commercial, there's a shot of previous also-rans Kevin Covais and John Peter Lewis clapping it up in the audience. Kevin grew out his hair and was sporting some thick-framed glasses. He sort of looks like that yelly dude in the commercials who wears a suit with all those question marks on it and really wants you to buy his book so you can figure out how to claim money the government supposedly owes you. Yeah, him.

After the commercial, we're face with the first bit of annoying padding to help fill out the hour -- a replay of songs from the previous night. Finally, Ryan cut to the chase and started announcing the results:

Brooke White = Safe
Carly Smithson = Bottom Three! Whoa, so not expecting that!
David Archuleta = Duh, safe
Michael Johns = Safe

More padding: Behind the scenes of the Ford video shoot. I find these things insipid so I'm not going to comment any further than the song was "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash.

More results, thank God...

David Cook = Safe. Fuck it all to hell.
Kristy Lee Cook = Bottom Three
Jason Castro = Safe... and sooooooooooo adorable
Ramiele Malubay = Safe

Then it was time for toothless, mind-numbing questions from the viewers. Oh why oh why can't one of Howard Stern's regulars get through? Can a bitch get a "Babbabooey!" up in here? Instead, we have to suffer through bullshit about iTunes downloads and staged kisses between Paula and Simon. I've seen beauty pageant questions with more bite.

Up next, Kellie Pickler performed "Red High Heels." It went a little something like this:

Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Red High Heels. Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Yodelaaayheehooo. Twang-a-twang-a-twang. Red High Heels. Twang-a-twang-a-twang.

BEGIN SINCERE/SAPPY ALERT!
Ryan briefs us on this year's Idol Gives Back (April 9) and then rolls some footage of Fantasia and Elliott Yamin in Angola, where they visited with locals and helped distribute mosquito nets. Thanks to the contributions from last year's effort, Idol Gives Back was able to distribute 8 million nets in Africa.

In a really touching scene, Elliott got super choked up after he learned that a baby boy was given his name because local custom dictates that newborns be named after visitors. That got me ::right here::.
END SINCERE/SAPPY ALERT!

Back to the results...

Syesha Mercado = Safe
Amanda Overmyer = Bottom 3! Totally unexpected yet awesome!
Fat Alfonso Ribeiro = Safe

Carly, Kristy and Amanda assembled in the center of the stage where Carly was quickly put out of her misery and released to the safety of the Top 10 couch. No surprise there. I think it's safe to say that Carly will never ever again compare herself to a dead bird or whatever while America is watching. Lesson learned.

It's down to Kristy and Amanda and while I hate Amanda, I think she has more of a right to be there than Kristy but then I had a sickening feeling in my stomach that Kristy's sympathy vote would swing hard and kick Amanda right square in the ass and sure enough, it did! Amanda Overmyer, with the voice that suggests she could use a good stool softener and an affinity for wearing Kevin Dubrow's pants, is outta here!

And that settles that. Here are your Season 7 Top 10:

1. David Archuleta
2. Jason Castro
3. Chikezie
4. David Cook
5. Kristy Lee Cook
6. Michael Johns
7. Ramiele Malubay
8. Syesha Mercado
9. Carly Smithson
10. Brooke White

Top 11 Recap

Seriously. Why do we have to suffer through another Beatles week? Oh, okay. Last week was Lennon/McCartney, and this is the Beatles. Now I get it. That's totally different. Thanks for clearing that up, Ryan. Is Nigel Lithgoe trying to kill us?

I count TWO Simon winks at Ryan before the show even gets started. Maybe my friend Amanda is right and they are secret boyfriends.

Amanda Overmyer
Her most memorable moment so far was being on the big stage for the first time. Not like performing on a flatbed truck, that's for sure! She's singing "Back in the USSR" because it's upbeat. I hate to say this, but it didn't suck. Really, I don't just hate to say it -- it physically hurts.
Randy: Perfect song choice, but pitchy in the beginning. 7 out of 10, but it was good!
Paula: Sketchy at first, timing off. A little ahead of the beat. But she's unique. Wants to see her do a ballad.
Simon: Predictable, bit of a mess in parts. Needs to surprise people with something new before she gets boring.
Amanda says, "Whatever, I'm awesome and this Idol shit is lame! Suck it!" (I'm paraphrasing)

Kristy Lee Cook
She looks through her "photo book" every night to remind her of home. She has a cute dog named Autumn. She secretly hates Randy Jackson. Maybe I made that last part up. Maybe I didn't. You'll never know. Her most memorable moment(s) was being in the bottom every week because she sucks, and then not going home because she's hot. She's doing "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away," because she likes the title. For real. She's predictably terrible.
Randy: Interesting arrangement, but boring until the end.
Paula: She looked gorgeous, which is code for she sucked.
Simon: Needs hypnosis because she's a bad performer. "Musical wallpaper." Heee.
Kristy says, "I may suck now, but wait until I shift into full sock-blowing mode!"

David Archuleta
His most memorable moment was singing "Imagine." Not so memorable was forgetting the lyrics. He's doing "The Long and Winding Road" for no reason. It bored me to tears, and his vaguely constipated facial expressions made me uncomfortable.
Randy: He brought the hotness back to his game.
Paula: Exciting and wonderful performance.
Simon: Amazing.
The hell?

Performance by Kellie Pickler tomorrow! Aw yeah, I'm going to have a field day with that one.

Michael Johns
His most memorable moment was singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" during Hollywood Week. He's doing "A Day in the Life" because he thinks it's Lennon and McCartney's "masterpiece." I like Michael Johns. I think he's an understated, but very good performer, and I like his voice. I do not like this arrangement, though. At all.
Randy: Wrong song choice.
Paula: Dress rehearsal, blah blah, monitors, blah blah, Simon, blah blah. She hated it.
Simon: It was a mess.
Michael says, "I want to dedicate that crappy performance to my friend who passed away. It was his favorite song. How do you feel now, judges? Guilty?"

Brooke White
Brooke looks like the sun itself in a flappy yellow dress. Because she's a ray of sunshine sent down to the Earth to make us all smile and forget our troubles. Her most memorable moment was singing "Let It Be" and getting emotional. She's singing "Here Comes the Sun" because she IS the sun! I found it pretty weak compared to her last two performances. In fact, it sucked. And she should never attempt to dance again, ever.
Randy: It was awkward.
Paula: Liked the low notes, but pretty much hated it.
Simon: Performance terrible. Horrible dancing, lack of conviction.
Brooke says, "It's okay. Everything's okay. I will continue to shine my light on you anyway, because the sun is not spiteful. It only shines."

David Cook
His most memorable moment was stealing "Eleanor Rigby" last week (more on David's chronic thievery later this week). This week, he's doing "Daytripper" and wow, he just gave credit to Whitesnake for the arrangement. Mom loves David Cook, which hurts me. She also loved Chris Daughtry, so it makes sense. I guess his performance was okay, but I was bored.
Randy: Not his best, but still solid.
Paula: Ready to go sell records. Liked the voice box.
Simon: Not as good as David thought it was. Smug. YES! Lost his element of surprise.
David says, "I learned my lesson about being a douche when I'm criticized, so I'm going to say exactly what I'm supposed to, that I'll take the criticism and learn from it for next week, if I'm here. Oh come on, let's be honest. Of course I'll be here. I'm fucking awesome and everyone knows it."

Carly Smithson
Her most memorable moment was when Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson. She's singing "Blackbird," because her brother sang it growing up, and she wants to do a ballad for a change. Carly has pretty much a perfect voice, and I liked it a lot. I also love that song, which didn't hurt. But what on Earth was she wearing? You can't pull off a ruffled neckline when you have that many tattoos.
Randy: Very nice. Cooliosis factor. (Yeah, I don't know either)
Paula: Loved it.
Simon: Hated song choice. Indulgent.
Carly says, "This song represents my struggle with the music industry. We're all broken birds. Take that, Simon!" She got a "7" tattooed on her hand, because she's the 7th contestant this week and it's the 7th season of Idol.

Jason Castro
His most memorable moment was singing "Hallelujah." Mine too, Jason. He's singing "Michelle" because it's a real dynamic song and he gets to speak French. I loved it. He's so awesome and adorable. And he loves me, needs me and wants me. Guess what, Jason? You can have me!
Randy: Just all right for him.
Paula: He has a very distinct charm and Paula wants to bone him. She found it uncomfortable and a little awkward.
Simon: His face sold it, very charming and not obnoxious. His goofiness makes it work.

Syesha Mercado
Syesha looks gorgeous. I want that dress. Her most memorable moment was being in the bottom three. She needed it because she needed that kick in her butt. She's singing "Yesterday," because she did a Beatles medley in middle school and the song touched her and she wants to touch everyone. The pacing was super weird and off for me.
Randy: Very good performance.
Paula: Beautiful how she let herself be vulnerable. Needs to make more eye contact.
Simon: Best performance so far.

Chikezie Eze
His most memorable moment was the first round in Hollywood where all the judges complimented him. He's singing "I've Just Seen a Face" with an instrument that he doesn't know how to play. That's smart. I think it started out boring and then got good.
Randy: Liked the fast part, hated the slow. (Word!)
Paula: He did it again!
Simon: Thought the harmonica was atrocious. Gimmicky and not as good as last week.

Ramiele Malubay
Her most memorable moment was making lots of new friends. Brooke is her mom and David Cook is her big brother. She's singing "I Should Have Known Better" because it's upbeat and she bored the judges to tears last week. She's wearing a very strange outfit, but I think she's pretty good.
Randy: Not jumping up and down, but liked it. It was aiight.
Paula: Better than last week, but didn't showcase her vocals enough.
Simon: Sounded amateurish and chose a mediocre song.

Bottom three: Ramiele Malubay, Kristy Lee Cook, Chikezie Eze
Going home: Kristy Lee Cook. Please, America. Send her home.

Top 11: Song List

This week's theme was The Beatles Part Two: Electric Boogaloo (sorry, couldn't resist). Full recap to come tomorrow but here's the song list to hold you over.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "Back in the USSR"

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"

David Archuleta
Performed: "The Long and Winding Road"

Michael Johns
Performed: "A Day in the Life"

Brooke White
Performed: "Here Comes the Sun"

David Cook
Performed: "Daytripper"

Carly Smithson
Performed: "Blackbird"

Jason Castro
Performed: "Michelle"

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Yesterday"

Fat Alfonso Ribeiro
Performed: "I've Just Seen a Face"

Top 12: Recap

This is the week we butcher songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook. How coked up did Seacrest seem? Answer: a lot. Also, why did they get all the "ethnic" contestants out of the way first?

Syesha Mercado: "Gotta Get You Into My Life"
Syesha is a "working actress." Nothing on IMDB, so I'm not buying it. It was pretty good, but I wish she had either lost the shirt or buttoned it up. It looks like she's doing a hungover Walk of Shame. Not as screamy as usual, anyway. Randy and Paula thought it was okay. Simon thought it was better than okay, but that she needs to get her nerves in check.

Chikezie Eze: "She's a Woman"
I haven't been a huge Chikezie fan, but I thought he rocked this. The judges agreed. Ryan went fucking bonkers. I blame the coke.

Ramiele Mulabey: "In My Life"
Ramiele works in a sushi restaurant and smells like soy sauce. Her song is dedicated to Danny Noriega. I thought it started out good then got boring. The judges agreed, except for Simon, who hated the beginning.

Jason Castro: "If I Fell"
I voted for him about six billion times. He's Columbian, by the way, for all of you Googlers looking for "Jason Castro ethnicity." It wasn't his best performance to date, but he's just a joy to watch. I can't stop smiling when he's on that stage. Randy thought it was just all right. Paula loved it. Simon thought it was a boring bedroom performance.

The Kardashians were there!

Carly Smithson: "Come Together"
I've had a problem with Carly through this competition. She looks like a badass, but she wants to sing Celine Dion songs. I can't reconcile that in my head. She rocked the house tonight, though. She has a tremendous voice. The crowd went wild. Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson, and I can't disagree.

David Cook: "Eleanor Rigby"
I thought it was shaky and all over the place, but the judges wet themselves. It's official: We have our Chris Daughtry. Might I hope we get a surprise vote off as well? I hate to admit this, but I think he'd be hot with better hair. His hair hurts me.

Brooke White: "Let it Be"
This is the Beatles' last single. I did not know that. She seems uncomfortable behind the piano, like she doesn't know how to connect with the audience from that vantage point. She plays barefoot, which I find oddly endearing. The judges love it. I liked it a whole lot.

David Hernandez: "I Saw Her Standing There"
I was longing for Tiffany during this. It was okay. I liked it more than the judges, who thought it was overdone. Simon deemed it corny. Ryan says "Hernandez" the way Alex Trebec says, "Nicaragua."

Amanda Overmyer: "Can't Do That"
Dig the extensions. Don't dig the Steven Tyler get-up. It was fine, but I'm so over her. Did she lose a ton of weight, or is it the vertical stripes? Randy and Paula loved it. Simon thought it was shouty and slurry, but still likes her.

Tyrese was there!

Michael Johns: "Across the Universe"
I dug it. Ryan thought it was just okay. Paula loved it, because she wants to bone him. Simon found it monotonous.

Kristy Lee Cook: "Eight Days a Week"
Awful. Just awful. The country thing did not work, and she has crazy eyes. The judges all hated it. Simon deemed it "horrendous."

David Archuleta: "We Can Work It Out"
Forgot the words, lost his confidence, wouldn't stop licking his lips, butchered the whole thing. Everyone hated it.

Bottom three: David Hernandez, Ramiele Malubay and Kristy Lee Cook
Going home: Ramiele Malubay

Results: America, Meet Your Top 12

The royal WE built them a new stage and bought them some Beatles songs to butcher. This is American Idol.

Oh Christ. Blake Lewis. The boyfriend and I watched his video on one of those Music On Demand channels. He liked it. I broke up with him. Okay, I didn't, but I thought about it for a second or two. Apparently Blake didn't get the memo about removing one shiny item of clothing before leaving the house. Paula's rocking out in an inexplicable hat. I want to shoot myself.

While we're having a commercial break, did anyone notice how unbelievably unhappy Amanda Overmyer was last night? I thought for sure TMZ would be on it today, but alas. Maybe I'll find something when I do my super sexy news update tomorrow.

Over 36 million votes this week. I like Ryan's suit. The judges are awfully silly this season. I think everyone's dipping into Paula's Kool-Aid.

David Cook is... IN! And Lionel Richie loves him.

David Archuleta is... IN! And he makes people happy. He and Brooke White do a Mormon fist-pump.

Jason Castro is... IN! And he loves me! Okay, I made that up. He hasn't even met me. Yet.

Man, I can't wait until Amanda Overmyer gets voted off and spills why she was so upset in an interview. And if it has "American Midol Blog" in it, even better. for the traffic, not for our souls. We're clearly going to hell.

Brooke White is... IN! I didn't recap last night, but I did love her performance.

Syesha Mercado is... IN! I found her screamy.

Kady Malloy is... OUT! Which means we have to hear that awful song again. Also, she looks pregnant in that dress. I think she should host TRL. Asia'H is inconsolable. Ouch, this hurts. I'm fast-forwarding. Man, Ramiele is a cryer, huh? Danny Noriega is also crying. Buncha fucking pansies on this show.

David Hernandez is... IN! No more stripper poles for him!

Michael Johns is... IN! Duh.

Luke Menard is... OUT! Jess is two for two! I also predicted Kady and Kristy Lee Cook, but I didn't post it.

Paula looks like a glitter demon is trying to eat her brain. And she is shaking it hard for Luke. Totally wants to bang him. I think he should become a soap star. I love how bored Simon looks.

Danny Noriega and Chikezie Eze left. Who's going home? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Ramiele Malubay is... IN!

Carly Smithson is... IN! Duh. Duh for all the foreigners tonight.

Amanda Overmyer is... IN! And she looks bummed about it. What the fuck is going on with that girl?

Asia'H Epperson and Kristy Lee Cook are left. Who will it be? Let's fast forward through the commercials and find out!

Hey, have you heard that this is the most talented season EVER?

Asia'H Epperson is... wait, no.

Kristy Lee Cook is... IN! And Asia'H is going home. The hell? So now we're down to one black girl and one generic blond. That sounds about right as far as these things generally play out. What will they do about all the gays on the boy's side?

Her singout is making me misty, what with all the holding back the tears and the dead dad and whatnot. I must be overtired. And I think Paula is on ecstasy.

Danny and Chikezie are holding hands, which just made me laugh out loud. My cat looked at me like, "Dude, shut up. I'm trying to sleep."

Chikezie is... IN! Hey, remember a couple of seconds ago when I asked what was going to happen with all the gays? Uh huh.

Goddammit. Why does my DVR always have to cut off the last few minutes of the show? I shake my fist at you, Time Warner Cable!

There you have it, folks. Your top 12. I may be surprised, but I'm not sad. When Jason Castro goes, though? Someone better show up at my place with a bottle of Riesling and a Vicodin.

Top 16: Girls Recap

Sorry for the delay, peeps. At the risk of seeming unfaithful, the finale of "Project Runway" was on last night and my attention was rather divided. Monogamy is not my strong suit. I admit it.

Okay, so last night was rather lackluster and, as such, my recap will be the same. Blame the girls, not me.

Asia'h Epperson
Performed: "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Houston
Asia'h has a cool voice but I'm so over contestants singing Whitney, Mariah, et al. I mean, haven't they watched the previous seasons? The judges ALWAYS make the comparison. It's so boring. Plus, I hate this fucking song. But still, Asia'h didn't murder it so I'll give her that much.

Verdict: Safe

Kady Malloy
Performed: "Who Wants to Live Forever" by Queen
I like this girl. I just do. I don't agree with Simon that she's robotic. I just think she's not picking the best songs to showcase her personality. With that said, I thought she did a really good job tonight. If Kady sticks around, she has the makings of a Kat McPhee-sized crush, methinks.

Verdict: Probably going home but could stage another upset like last week.

Amanda Overmyer
Performed: "I Hate Myself for Loving You" by Joan Jett
Shit. This didn't suck. Between Simon's praise and the Vote for the Worst campaign, she's a shoo-in for the Top 12. The "I gargle with gravel" voice and Lily Munster hair live on.

Verdict: Safe, dammit.

Carly Smithson
Performed: "I Drove All Night" by Cyndi Lauper
Again with the Celine covers. Fuck you, people. Fuck you all to hell.

Verdict: Safe

Kristy Lee Cook
Performed: "Faithfully" by Journey
Quelle surprise! Randy Jackson name-dropped Journey. I didn't see that coming. God, I hate Randy. And I hated this song.

Verdict: Gonzo

Ramiele Malubay
Performed: "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins
The song was fine but does anyone else find Ramiele a little scary? Lovely voice, mind you, but there's in that wee body of hers that gives me the major creeps.

Verdict: Safe

Brooke White
Performed: "Love Is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar
Damn, that was good. When Ryan announced her song choice before the commercial, I actually groaned. But she did a damn good job of it. There was a lovely smoky element to her voice that I just adored. I'm a little bummed she didn't do the arms-akimbo boob shimmy though. Danny Noriega no doubt would have fallen in step behind her and they would have rocked it. Pity.

Verdict: Safe

Syesha Mercado
Performed: "Saving All My Love" by Whitney Houston
Syesha got the shaft when it came down to the judging. She got one-word answers from all the judges because the stage manager must have been gesturing wildly for them to wrap it up. I agree with Simon that it was "predicatable but good."

Verdict: Safe (both in standings and song choice)

Predictions
Sayonara, Kady Malloy and Kristy Lee Cook.

Monday News Update

Castoffs Dish to MTV
Robbie Carrico, Alexandrea Lushington, Jason Yeager and Alaina Whitaker sat down with MTV to discuss Britney Spears, wig allegations, David Archuleta being a big crybaby, almost being in O-Town,and the shock of one generic blond getting sent home while another stays. Fascinating stuff.

Why Jess Can Never Have Kids
An Indianapolis woman was so engrossed in American Idol that she forgot her three-year-old daughter was taking a bath. The kid almost drowned, and her other four kids were placed in protective custody. Bad mother, or really great seventh season? You decide.

Odds on Asia'H
Gambling 911, which gave us some serious link love last week, has compiled the best bets for this season's Idol hopefuls. Asia'H Epperson and David Archuleta have the best odds so far.

Imagine No Magic Underwear
Alleged Mormon Brooke White is now a confirmed Mormon, and also an LDS member? David Archuleta. That's probably why he cut the first verse of Imagine.

Josiah Leming Probably Never Going Away
A Fort Wayne, Indiana radio station gave the cult kid a free car to live in, some clothes and "other gifts." Also, he's made 40 grand selling his music online. You know what you can do with 40 grand? Pay rent. Just a thought.

SHOCKING Ramiele Malubay Photo
Are you ready for it? The shocking lesbian photo that is taking the Internets by storm? Can you handle it? Here goes:



Not a Real Shocker
Not that anyone wants to see them, but apparently Amanda Overmyer has some nudie photos out there somewhere. Don't we all, really? When we see 'em, we'll post 'em. Conside yourself warned. Also, when Amanda isn't forcing out constipated grunts into a mic, she can usually be found drunk driving. Here's the mug shot from her October 2006 arrest:



Speaking of scandals, anyone got any pics of David Hernandez stripping? If so, please send them to our eagerly awaiting email box. We'll give you big kisses. With tongue.

Four more hopefuls bite the dirt

After the last two nights that were unexpectedly busy leaving me no time to blog, I am happy to report that we are once again sans two more men and two women on Idol. Honestly, right now I’d rather be watching “Snapped!” on the Oxygen network. Or shoving frilly hors d'œuvre toothpicks in my eyeballs.

I loved Michael Johns opening the show’s ensemble number, and I desperately wanted to bleach my eyeballs when camera fucker David Cook took the stage in his place. Then cute little David Archuleta chimed in – and I’ll be a sausage biscuit if he didn’t sound like he might be the next Michael McDonald in something like twenty years.

Then for the women, singing Bonnie Tyler’s “It’s a heartache”, Carly Smithson rocked the stage and sounded fantastic. I had high hopes for this version of “heartache”. That is, until one-trick pony Amanda Overmyer started screeching and straining and grunting out her share of lyrics as if she were trying to squeeze off a number two. Every time she opens her mouth, I wonder what the fuck she’s still doing on this show.


First of the men going home: Jason Yeager. Thank goodness, because if it had been Danny Norriega, he’d have fainted like Scarlet O’Hara. Someone needs to teach Danny to school his features more, because every time he’s not singing into a microphone, he looks like a deer caught in the headlights of an 18 wheeler. Getting back to Jason Yeager, his sing out was better than his performance last night, much to his detriment.

I’m starting my prayers; vespers, if you will, that God sees fit to kick Amanda Overmyer to the curb this week. Please God, if you’re listening, make her go suck somewhere else, because bless her heart and Bride of Frankenstein hair disaster, I’m sick to death of having to watch her on Idol.

During the commercial break, I’m not-so-secretly hoping that the smarmy David Cook is the next boy with his neck on the chopping block. I won’t waste my prayers on it though; those are saved for Amanda Overmyer.

The first girlie going home this week: Alexandrea Lushington... which proves to me that there is a) no God in heaven, or b) I was a total asshole in my last life, and this is a big, fat, cosmic, karmic joke on Melissa. How the hell Amanda Overmyer escaped the blade yet again is beyond me, other than the votes were cast by horny 14 year old boys who think she’d put out because she’s a “rocker chick” who rides a hog. Whatever. Enjoy the spotlight while you’ve still got it, Frankenmyer. It’s gonna be a short ride. I predict even the horny 14 year olds get sick of her by next week’s eliminations.

I'll remove this if I have to (Really, Fox. I will! Don't be mad at me.) but this abomination bears reviewing in case you missed it - it really puts into perspective just how craptastic her performance was last night, and how mind bogglingly stupid it is that she's still in the running.

I think the real clencher was the St. Vitus dance she did throughout her performance. It looks less like dancing and more like some sort of horrible palsy.


Second female leaving us this week: some blonde girl who looks like all the other blond girls. It was Alaina Whitaker, who tearfully proclaimed “I can’t sing…” Because I am Melissa, Mistress of the Obvious, I feel compelled to point out “We know, honey.” I realize she was referring to her sing out, but I feel like being a bitch about it. Kudos to Alaina for actually singing herself out while devastated and completely choked up. I always have a little soft spot for people who have to sing while they’re crying. Sure her sing out performance was horrible, but unless you’re Michael Jackson or Dolly Parton, you’re gonna sound like diaper filling smells if you’re singing and crying simultaneously.

I always want to punch Ryan Seacrest right square in the pills during the melodramatic eliminations.

Last cut of the night and the second dude: Robbie Carrico and his plastic Barbie hair wig. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it. I think we’ve seen him in almost every season prior to this one, but in his previous incarnations he’s always been more charismatic and far more vocally talented. Laterz, Robbie. Somewhere there’s a bad Poison cover band looking for someone to fill in for their lead singer while he’s fulfilling his court ordered community service. You’ll do.

Top 20: Results Recap

Well, kids, there you have it. Almost 31 million people voted this week, and apparently a lot of them actually like Amanda Overmyer and Luke Menard. Luke's cute, so I can get that, but WHO THE HELL IS VOTING FOR AMANDA?! Dialers, show thyself! (Oh, I totally forgot about Dial Idol. Let's go see who they predicted. Okay, they had it too close to call.)

Here's who will not be your next American Idol: Jason Yeager, Alexandrea Lushington, Alaina Whitaker and Robbie Carrico.

Here are some things from the show worth mentioning, says me:

- David Cook is wearing a tuxedo T-shirt. David Cook, why are you trying so hard to make me hate you?

- Robbie took my advice about never removing the bandanna and showing us his nasty wig again. (Thanks to Jess for the link -- awesome name, lady.)

- Davd Archuleta was inconsolable during Alexandrea's singout. Ryan Seacrest also seemed a little choked up. That, or he finally hit puberty.

- Cat Deeley from So You Think You Can Dance? was in the audience. Love her!

And now, some announcements:

- March 11th: Top 12. Ruben Studdard recorded the new exit song. Nigel and company finally got their grubby little hands on the Lennon/McCartney song book, which means Beatles week. Prediction: Michael Johns will sing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds and David Cook will sing Helter Skelter. Anyone want to bet me? Ooooh, I'm sensing a contest coming up! Stay tuned.

- April 9th: "Idol Gives Back." Last year, they raised 75 million dollars for Katrina victims and Africa, and won an Emmy. This year, they're going to have; Brad Pitt, Miley Cyrus, Reese Witherspoon, Mariah Carey, Daughtry and Carrie Underwood.

- Robbie Carrico has an insanely beautiful girlfriend for a former boy bander with a bad wig and an identity complex.

Check in for new updates early next week. I'm unemployed and have a new laptop on the way -- I may even post that shit DAILY!

Kyle Ensley Warms My Cold, Dead Heart

Last night, at my hippie culinary school, I took a macrobiotics class. We learned all about the mind/body/soul connection, and the tenants for living your best life. I rode the subway home from class being in a very Zen-like, Kumbaya sort of mood, pondering what it would take to be a nicer, better version of myself, and vowing to change my life starting immediately. Why am I telling you this? Because it's the only explanation for what happened to me last night. I cried, y'all. And not because sucktards like David Cook and Amanda Overmyer were put through, either. It was because of nerdlet Kyle Ensley.

Melissa and Curly are no doubt going to take me to task for this one. I was touched. First, when they showed the flashback of Simon telling him post-Hollywood audition that he really thought people would like him, and then showing us what got cut off the first time we saw that clip; Simon saying, "I wish I had some of what you have." Man, when Simon is touched by something, I am touched-squared, and I don't mean that in a dirty way.

When they told him he wasn't going through, my God! Have you ever seen a more gracious rejectee? He didn't cry, or storm out. He was all smiles, and was thankful he had gotten as far as he did instead of disappointed that he didn't get further. I found it really beautiful to watch. Not to get too corny, but there's this whole notion of "gratitude," in macrobiotic theory, and Kyle Ensley has it in spades.

Clearly I was riding a macrobiotic high, because I also felt bad for cult kid Josiah Leming. I know!

Rest assured I was not without my bitchy moments, though. David Cook? Nice cropped sweater vest and pink tie, asshat. And Paula was some sort of drunk Munchhausen Mom last night, all "I'm going to make the kids cry so then I can hug them and they will looooooove meeeeeee!" And that's all I have to say on the bitchy front! What the hell is wrong with me? Oh wait -- I look forward to Colton Berry getting voted off so I can deface his creepy white eyelashes on The Grid.

I need to go watch some 30-Minute Meals to fill me back up with hate. I'll be in top bitchface form next week, I promise.