Recap: New York/Puerto Rico Auditions--always the hurricanes; blowing

Question!

Which of the below items does Fox most sorely owe me after last night's Puerto Rico and New York Idol auditions?

-- Cochlea Implants

-- $9.99 for the West Side Story soundtrack I just bought on itunes

-- Choreographed Magic!

If you guessed Choreographed Magic!, then damn straight. Because if there's one thing this theater nerd despised about this episode, it was trotting out the whole, "zomg, dueling Puerto Rico/New York auditions on the same night—just like West Side Story!" without FULLY COMMITING to the bit. You planted this bed of overcooked lasagna, producers—lay in your cheese. It's not like you don't have two long lines of fame-hungry over actors at your disposal. I want some stand-in Sharks, Jets, and a lot of well-timed snapping. It would have been so easy.

Unsurprisingly, I had to settle for a sadder sack of "fast-paced" New York vs. "nearing congestive heart failure" Puerto Rico stereotypes, further exacerbated by the show's constant flipping back and forth between the two islands. See, that's makin' my life hard, Idol, or at least super annoying.

But onward, fellow stage combat enthusiasts:

Kicking off the New York segment of last night's episode was 19-year-old Bronx native Adeola Adegoke, fan of Mariah and Mary J., quitter of day jobs, and an awful, awful singer. After four quick "no's" from the judges following her failed rendition of "And I am Telling You," Simon was strangely emphatic about calling Adeola's boss on her behalf to ask for her job back. But I was more perplexed by Randy's comment that singing "wasn't her skeeze." If someone could enlighten me on where one finds 'skeeze' aside from dirty old man bars, I'm all ears. Hollywood Verdict: Not happening.

Then we moved to San Juan to meet 20-year-old Jorge Nunez. Jorge was talented, dimply, and singing in a foreign language, so of course the judges were impressed, though they asked if he could sing something in English to cement their decision. Cue the following pearl of wisdom from Kara: "I felt your pronunciation wasn't as strong in English." Oh, no kidding, sage one, the Spanish speaker wasn't as strong outside of his first language? Simon schooled Kara right quick, elaborating that if they didn't want accents they would go to Omaha. But you already went to Omaha, remember guys? Good times. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Next was 20-year-old Jessika Bair from Michigan, singing Celine Dion's "I surrender." Spell-check and I are equally resentful of that unnecessary "k" by the way. Jessika is apparently great at winning other contests of questionable prestige and won the chance to audition in Puerto Rico accompanied by ten other friends/family members, all of them smart enough to lie their way to a free vacation by telling her of COURSE she is awesome and totally talented. Nope, said the judges, calling her over-the-top performance shrill. Cue excessive whining and pleading, which always goes over so well with that set. Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

We then got a montage of equally sucky, indignant San Juanians before panning back to New York for the living embodiment of Beck's Nightmare Hippie Girl in the way of 21-year-old Melinda Camille singing "Feeling Good." Melinda sang fine, but whatever. Here were some of the phrases being tossed around during the audition, assuming my whole ‘stabbing mechanical pencil into eardrum' routine didn't too grossly impair my hearing: shift in universe; souls; dancing; naked; uplifting; naked; Randy naked; vitamin boost. Had enough? Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go (no exclamation).

Onto 21-year-old Jackie Tohn, a female Elmer Fudd in high-tops doing a ridiculously shtick-y rendition of "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz. The judges nixed Jackie's first song choice, imploring her to use her "normal voice" for the second song, which was still just okay. Lucky for her, a deus ex machina by way of crappy production values saved Jackie when pieces of the set behind the judges came crashing down. Flustered, they gave her a pass, but methinks she won't be long in Hollywood land. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Back to San Juan for some eye-rolling nonsense in the way of 23-year-old Joel Contreras, a giant cardboard iPod wearing time waster and consummate tool. It doesn't matter what he sang, and that's what's so frustrating about these faux-ditions. I thought this was supposed to be the new, less tool infused Idol? Why are we still giving these morons airtime? Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

Ditto for a swift cut back to New York to watch 27-year-old Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell butcher "And I am Telling You." The only redeeming facet of this segment:

Unfavorable remark from Simon
Norman Gentle: You hurt me where you get kicked sometimes!
Simon: I would have thought you'd like that.
Norman Gentle: You mean the way you like it when Seacrest does it?

Ho Ho! No Norm McDonald, perhaps, but this Norman's act is enough to elicit cackling and seal-claps from Paula, and we all know that when Paula laughs, Jesus smiles and an angel earns her pleather bustier. So incredibly, Nick/Norman/Cocoa Puffs got a golden ticket. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go (?)

Back in Puerto Rico, 9-year-old Christopher blows the judges away. He's so adorable! So articulate! He brought a seashell for them, but then the seashell broke! Oh, Hagatha over there? That would be his 16-year-old sister, contestant Monique Garcia Torres singing "You Can't Hurry Love." Monique was actually pretty cute herself and possessed a decent, if underdeveloped, voice, but the judges weren't entirely convinced. Lucky for Monique, they were so smitten with little Christopher that they agreed to give her a pass. Question for their future therapists: which of the two will be most mind warped when telling this anecdote—Christopher for being a blatant pawn, or Monique for needing one to make it to the next stage of the competition? Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Oh, former psychotic contestant from Philly, 24-year-old Alexis Cohen. The Idol producers totally conned you into this "brand new woman" persona for the New York auditions, didn't they? Lame, lame, lame, especially considering that the "new, lady-like" Alexis in a dress was even more disturbing than the first -- kind of a cross between Alex from The Real Housewives of NYC and a recovering meth addict on Intervention. Well "Alexis Doolittle" was just as unappealing the second go-around while warbling "Like a Prayer." After thanking the judges for being unanimously panned, she curtseyed and demurely ducked out of the audition room. Ha ha, nope: there's only so much you can suppress the crazy, people. Eventually it comes flying out in matching flipped birds and f-bombs, which was totally the case here. Nice try, Alexis! For what it's worth, I think Simon genuinely loves you. Hollywood Verdict: Not Happening.

For the last audition, we crawled back to San Juan, where everybody was fast asleep from their own mind-numbing boringness. 20-year-old Patricia Lewis Roman tried to put some pep in out step with her rendition of "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" to no real avail. Still, the judges were feeling benevolent and decided to wave Patricia through, a decision that was met with much fanfare by the fifty bajillion people waiting for her outside the audition room, making her the last acceptance of the day. Hollywood Verdict: It's a Go!

Thus concludes this turf-war of mediocrity-smoke in your pipe and put THAT IN, folks!

Next week... HOLLYWOOD!

Thursday News Update

It's the Alexis Cohen edition!

So, imagine you're FOX 5 News, that beacon of journalistic integrity in the New York metropolitan area. America Idol kicks off the season with its requisite band of freaks and trainwrecks. What do they do with the one who gets the most airtime? Why, they bring her to Times Square to make a spactacle of herself, of course!

This video is here

Her MySpace profile is here

Premier Night notes after busting the Internets

I tried the whole “simultaneous live blogging” thing with the ladies in NYC, but somehow, I kept breaking the internets. So I jotted notes the whole time instead. Here’s my take on the American Idol Season 7 Premier:

8:33 – I want to hug Temptress, but I’m afraid she’ll snap me like a dry twig.

8:39 - Mark Hayes. White Christmas? Really? Somewhere, Bing Crosby just crapped his skeleton panties.

8:50 - Alexis Cohen and her Rainbow Brite mysteriously color changing lipstick. Her plan was to knock the judges “on” their feet. And that she did. Performed “Don’t you want somebody to love” and apparently patterned her performance after Jim Carey in “The Cable Guy”. Clearly, she gets her classy attitude from her mother. And Simon is a big, fat bad word.

*We’re on “Day 2” now, and apparently it’s all about being a screeching harpy.

8:17 - Milo Turk. “sex is weak”. I don’t doubt that, Milo. But I think Paula wanted to hear the 3rd verse.

9:20 - Kristy Lee Cook - All-American. America’s next Sweetheart. The girl next door. Likes horses and kicking burly men in the pills. I really want to hate her guts because she’s so damn cute and perky and talented. So, I think I will.

9:28 – Benjamin Haar – CAN’T. LOOK. AWAY. HAIRY, BIKINI-CLAD FAT GUY. MY RODS AND CONES ARE ALL WHACKED OUT. MUST GO POKE OUT MY MIND’S EYE.

9:28 - Pedro Rivera. What?

9:30 - Paul Marterano – Creepy McCreeperson with the creepy stalker song. Somebody call the police. Seriously. Randy was enjoying it too much. SECURITY!
PS – was it wrong that I derived some enjoyment from watching this guy?

9:32 - Beth Stalker – her real name, just irony that she followed an actual stalker. I gotta go with Simon on this one. Way too stylized vocally. I don’t think she’d be any good during BeeGees week.

9:39 – Benjamin Haar is back in his bikini, completely waxed. He had all of his Haar removed but – woops! He didn’t do anything about his massive crack hanging out. But of course, I didn't see it because I'd already gauged out both of my eyeballs.

9:14 – Chris Watson – Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Sounds pretty good, too. I’d buy his albums, even though auditioned with an Uncle Kracker song. As Jess & I discussed, we wouldn’t have any aversions to, say, eating fruit off of him if somebody made us do something like that. He’s got my vote for his season’s Justin Guarini, but with less clowny hair.

9:50 - Christina Tellisano – better known as Princess Leia. “Men love me.” C3PO dance moves during audition made me drool, and not in a good way. Best part of her audition: when her Princess Leia Cinnabon-hair fell off after she got the boot. Best quote from Christina Tellisano, who was dressed as Princess Leia, when talking about all of the contestants that went through to Hollywood after she was passed up: “they’re all an imitation of something else!”
Did I mention she was DRESSED AS PRINCESS LEIA?

9:53 - Brooke White – nauseating back story including nauseating video footage. Made me want to vom. Has never seen a rated “R” movie. Look at me, I’m Sandra Effing Dee. I’m nowhere near as impressed with her vocal talents as, say, Randy was. Then again, I don’t want to get in her pants like Randy does.

So far, it’s looking like a snooze fest for Season 7 of American Idol.

Tomorrow night’s audition show was filmed in my hometown of Dallas, Texas! Judging by the previews of tomorrow night’s show, this’ll be the last time I ever claim to be from Dallas in a public forum.

One final thought: did anybody besides me notice Randy's huge, right-angle mutton chop sideburns?

Premiere Night Liveblogging

7:46: Salsa and chips in bowl. Drinks poured. Mejack and Jess in attendance, waiting.

7:48: Curly buzzed in.

7:59: Pizza ordered.

8:01: Mejack: I read in the Post that it's even meaner this year. Curly: What? Meaner than making fun of retarded people?

8:02: We're in Philly!

8:05: Joey Catalano. Like Jordan Catalano. But not really. Underwhelming.

8:13: The room collectively calls bullshit on Yuka, the wannabe Borat who claims to be from Egypt.

8:20: Tour guide James Lewis. Deaf Lurch. Also, why is Paula Abdul wearing a white bra under a sheer black shirt?

8:28: Mejack on Jonathan Baines: Oh, look! It's Timothy McVeigh!

8:30: Jess: I want to see Temptress Brown tackle Ryan Seacrest. Mejack: Ryan still plays for pee-wee.

8:33: Okay, seriously? (This is Jess) Why do they give us a backstory just to have the person suck? Poor Temptress Brown. It's so mean! Meaner than Simon, even.

8:50: Curly on Udi: Oh please, don't let him be from New Jersey.

8:52: Collective laughs over the awesome blond girl screaming, "I Love Rock 'n' Roll"

9:00: Alexis Cohen. Mejack: This is making my tooth hurt. (Also, she woke up the cat.)

9:01: Randy Jackson says 'Peace, Love and Chicken Grease.' No comment necessary.

9:03: Mejack: "Wiggle Ammonia?" What does that mean? I (Jess) immediately started laughing, and then crying, and then hyperventilating. Curly: She said "legally moon you."

9:13: Mr. Mejack arrives. Eats pizza.

9:16: Curly, on Christina Tolisano, the wackjob with the Princess Leia hair: She looks like the chick from Dodgeball.



9:26: Jess: I LOVE Paula's eye makeup. Any makeup artists out there that could help me with that?

9:39: An IM conversation with Melissa regarding Paul Marturano, the stalker:

Melissa: Holy shit that guy made me shit on myself.

Jess: Which one? Oh, we're behind. We paused the DVR.

Melissa: Oh. Sorry - you'll see him. He's the dude that sings TO PAULA. Uber creepy. Creepy McCreeperson.

Jess: With the cape?

Melissa: No - shortly after him. Seriously - like somebody should have called security...

Jess: OHMYGOD

Melissa: Yeah. Him. Seriously.

Jess: Peterfalkher!

Melissa: THAT WAS THE BEST PART

9:51: Chris Watson, the hot black guy with the dreads? OMG. I want to eat fresh fruit off of his chest. Or at least, I did, until I came to the unfortunate conclusion that he's going to be this season's camera fucker. (This is Jess, BTW)

Parting thoughts:

Mejack: None

Curly: Bring back the retards.

Jess: DUH.

In hindsight, we don't love liveblogging. So we're not gonna do it anymore, or at least not until we forget how much we didn't like it in the first place.