Monday News Brief

Move Over Alaina...
Chris Richardson found something leaner... Lauren Conrad, to be exact. I really have nothing to add because I don't care enough about the girl to investigate further except that I think she's on one of those MTV shows I don't watch. Am I right? It's some unscripted crap about a hilly beach or some shit like that, yes? Oh, I don't care, just as long as Chris is gettin' him some, gettin' him some. That's my boy. (BuddyTV)

Hooked on Phonics Worked for Fantasia
She's not illiterate. She just can't read lots of letters when they're next to lots of other letters. There's a difference, duh. (People)

Paula Said What?
Are you like me? Have you memorized all of Paula's ramblings this season? If so, test your scary mettle with EW.com's new quiz which asks you to name the judge's critique. Here's a hint: If the quote contains the word "dawg" in it, it's a good bet it's Randy. You're welcome. (EW)

Don't Be Fooled by the Rocks That She's Got...
... She's still one of the single most overrated musical talents ever. That's right, boys and girls, J.Lo hits the Idol stage this week. Stay tuned for lots of uncomfortable interactions, empty praise, fake hugs and -- her speciality -- deep nasal vocals. Hot. (AmericanIdol.com)

Wednesday News Update

Constantine Maroulis to Camera-Fuck Housewives Everywhere
The alleged "gorgeous Greek music maker" will be joining the cast of The Bold and the Beautiful this summer. He'll be playing a fictional version of himself. They make it sound as though he's actually a real guy -- come on, dude's like, three steps below Fabio. (Entertainment Tonight)

Amy Lee Jumps on the Idol-hating Bandwagon
Evanescence's Amy Lee recently watched Idol for the first time, after someone told her Gina Glocksen sang the groups hit, "Call Me When You're Sober." While Amy thought Gina did an all right job, she found the show "hilarious and depressing." Normally I'd disagree, but we are talking about a show that Sanjaya Malakar is still a part of. Thanks, Howard Stern! (Blabbermouth)

Alaina Alexander + Chris Richardson = 4 Eva
The latest hot Idol gossip from TMZ is that Alaina and Chris R. are more than just friends, and have been since she was on the show. Which means that Chris will probably not be taking me up on any of my Mrs. Robinson type offers.

Alaina Alexander's Racy Photos
Check out Alaina's new MySpace Music Page! I don't know about you, but if I wanted to be taken seriously as a musician after sucking on television week after week, I'd just post naked and semi-naked pictures of myself on the Internet. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, CHRIS? IS IT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?



And last but not least, DialIdol's got Jordin Sparks, Haley Scarnato and Chris Sligh in the bottom three. I'm not buying it.

Results Show: The Recap

Let me blog about this bullshit show while it's still fresh in my mind. America, I hate you.

First to get the ax was Nick Pedro. I predicted him to go, and in this case, I think America got it right. When he did his exit song, I thought it was really cute when he turned away from the audience and gave each of the guys handshakes. Simon was right when he said it was Nick's lack of charisma that got him voted off.

Next to go home was Alaina Alexander. This was a pleasant surprise, as I thought America would be too smitten with her cute face and pretty hair to let her go. I thought it was kind of lame how she gave up on the song halfway through, though. If I remember correctly, Ayla Brown cried through her whole exit song and still managed to rock it. Also, when Paula was delivering her parting words did the sound cut off on the actual show, or was that just my digital cable?

Then Kellie Pickler performed. As I've mentioned previously, I'm not a fan of the Pickler. And the way they had her all done up, with the weird hair and the harsh eye makeup, she looked like a washed-up, 60-year-old ex-country singer who just can't give up the karaoke bars. Also, did she get a boob job? If not, I really want to find out where she gets her bras and stock up, because her rack was awe-inducing. The song itself, I hate to admit, kind of touched me. I thought it was sad and it was sweet and I actually thought she sounded good. Good thing her rehearsed conversation with Ryan afterward about how spider sushi isn’t really spiders brought my rage back, though.

Next to go home was A.J. Tabaldo. What the fuck, America? Mejack, did you vote for Sanjaya more than you voted for A.J? If you did, then I blame you. Also, I hate that they make the losers sing the song that got them voted off. It's unnecessarily cruel.

Then, Leslie Hunt got the boot, which was no real surprise but still bummed me out because 1) I really liked her and 2) fucking Antonella is still here. Damn you, LB! I loved how she replaced the scat part of the song with this, though. "Why did I decide to scat? America don't care for jazz." Leslie and I could so hang.

Also, the Daughtry song that they play over the montage is worse than "Had a Bad Day." The latter was at least insidious enough to get stuck in my head for days. With Daughtry, I get to forget it exists and then have the same dull reminder each week.

Now, let's talk about the criers. Sundance cries a LOT. He cried when Nick got the boot. He cried when A.J. got the boot. I don't have cinematographic evidence, but I think he may have cried through the whole show. Also, you know how when something upsets a toddler, he or she stands there making that awful face while they try to decide whether or not they're going to cry? That's Sundance Head's cry face, and it ain't pretty. Also joining in the waterworks were Jordin, who teared up a little when Alaina got the boot and sobbed when Leslie did, Stephanie, who teared up when Alaina got the ax and Gina Glocksen, who pretty much just lost her shit when Leslie went. Melinda Doolittle cried when A.J. got the boot, but I wonder if that's just because she realized you can get high praise from the judges and still be sent packing on any given week.

America? Suck it. And if you keep Sanjaya and Antonella one more week, I'm moving to Canada.

Top 10 Girls Recap

I just had a startling realization. We have no rocker and no country singer this season on 'Idol.' Maybe that's why I'm so bored -- no diversity among the contestants really. Also, I would like to share with you the text message conversation I had with Little Brother last night during the show:

Me: Antonella Barba cannot sing.

LB: Who cares? Did you see those cans?

Me: You live in Long Island. Every girl looks like that.

LB: Fair enough, but they don't all have trashy pics posted on the Internet.

And thus he continues to support her. He even told me he'd be voting for her every week she remains on the show. So if she keeps assaulting my ears week after week, I'll blame him. And now, ladies and gentleman, your recap:

Gina Glocksen: Heart - 'Alone'
I know Gina is getting a lot of shit for doing this song after Carrie Underwood rocked it so hard. Whatever, I like Gina, I thought she did a great job and I dug the outfit.

Alaina Alexander: Dixie Chicks - 'Not Ready to Make Nice'
Alaina sucks, and she keeps proving it week after week. She's out of her league. Send her home.

Lakisha Jones: Gladys Knight - 'Midnight Train To Georgia'
One of my biggest and most frequent complaints about this show is that they haven't had someone who comes out week after week and just nails it since Kelly Clarkson. I'm sure I drive everyone crazy with my "Kelly Clarkson never had a bad performance" whining. Thank God for Lakisha Jones. She was awesome last night. I do agree with Simon on the outfit, though -- homegirl looked like she was about to run to the Target for some slingbacks.

Melinda Doolittle: Mitzi Green - 'My Funny Valentine'
Double thank God for Melinda! I love, love, love her. As Randy Jackson would say, she's da bomb, baby!

Antonella Barba: Celine Dion - 'Because You Loved Me'
Okay, seriously. Get this chick off the show. She cannot sing. She makes my ears bleed. She was like a 10-year-old at a talent show. Also, Antonella, you are not Jennifer Hudson. Don't compare yourself to her. She has talent. You have photographic evidence that you pee sitting down.

Jordin Sparks: Christina Aguilera - 'Reflection'
I love Jordin, but I hate this song and I hated her rendition of it. Still, she's adorable and likeable and I think she's drummed up enough support that she'll make it through this week.

Stephanie Edwards: Beyonce - 'Dangerously In Love'
I've never really understood this song. It's weird and complicated and all over the place and when I hear it, I just don't understand what it's trying to do. Still, I think Stephanie Edwards did it on par with Beyonce. I'm not sure it bodes well for her, though, that each week when they announce her name I think, "Wait, who's Stephanie Edwards again?"

Leslie Hunt: Nina Simone - 'Feeling Good'
Have we ever had a week where two people sang the same song? I dig Leslie and her superweirdness and her smoky voice, but it's hard not to compare her rendition to A.J.'s when he was so awesome. I worry for Leslie -- she's this season's Melissa McGhee

Haley Scarnato: Whitney Houston - 'Queen of the Night'
This was strange and screamy and her hair was awful and her outfit made her look like she was about to have a drink out on the lanai with Blanche Devereaux. And that's all I have to say about that.

Sabrina Sloan: Whitney Houston - 'He Fills Me Up'
Like I said before, Sabrina can sing -- no doubt about that. I don't like her, and it's completely irrational. I still don't think she exudes any sort of likable personality, and I'm not sure how much longer she's going to last. Also, every time I hear this song, I think he's filling me up with semen and it grosses me out.

Going home: Haley and Leslie
Should be going home: Antonella and Alaina

Top 12 Girls: Curly's Recap

Even though my esteemed colleagues have already delighted and enthralled you with their most excellent episode summaries, I thought I'd give you one more wee thrill for today because I'm generous and caring like that... unless you cross me and then the only thing I'll happily dish out is a hateful stare and a severe ass whuppin'.

Um, guess who forgot to take her meds today? Here's something to keep you occupied while I go hit the Duane Reade for some more happy pills:

Stephanie Edwards
Performed: "How Come You Don't Call Me" by Alicia Keys
Maybe all those hours spent listening to my iPod on an extremely high volume have rendered me deaf but I didn't think Stephanie did all that well. Does she have stage presence and charisma? Absolutely! Does she have busted knees today? For sure! But I don't think she was as great as the judges made her out to be. I didn't like her approach to this song at all. It was too deliberate and forced for my liking. I don't hate her though and for that, I'm sure Stephanie is relieved. Aren't ya, Steph?

Amy Krebs
Performed: "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt
I have to agree with Mejack's husband on her choice of dress. It most definitely looked like drapes. Or a bedspread from the Holiday Inn. She's toast. Bye, Amy. You're going home.

Leslie Hunt
Performed: "Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin
I really wish Idol producers would banish this song. I'm tired of these hacks butchering it, particularly bouncy dog walkers without a stitch of soul. Seriously, don't smile and dance like a goof during a song that requires equal parts sass and attitude. This was painful for me to watch. Simon, as always, nailed it when he suggested that she was out of her comfort zone.

Sabrina Sloan
Performed: "I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)" by Aretha Franklin
Finally!!! Someone did Aretha right. This was beyond awesome. I love her voice and call me biased, but I'm also digging her curls. Good on ya, Sabrina.

Antonella Barba
Performed: "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith
Well, that sucked. However, I fear we're stuck with Antonella. In fact, I bet she's going to be like that Russian kid with the hole in his throat who stayed around far too long because gay men thought he was hot.

Oh, and Antonella? In answer to the question you posed to the judges, "What can I do better?" I have several suggestions. For example, might I suggest not sucking majorly? Yeah, that'll work. Dropping out of the competition and going home is also an equally acceptable answer.

Jordin Sparks
Performed: "Gimme One Reason" by Tracy Chapman
I love Jordin. In fact, she's my female equivalent of Chris Richardson. She can do no wrong. Unless either of them sing something from Creed or Anne Murray and then I'll abandon them right quick.

Nicole Tranquillo
Performed: "Stay" by Chaka Khan
What the hell was that?! Nicole, you're a honkey from Pennsylvania. And a voice major! Who told you to try to crack the urban market? Liking Chaka Khan is not license to sing her songs. Hell, I like Maria Callas but you don't hear me busting out any arias, do you? Well, I do but it's only when I'm in the shower or really drunk. Sometimes both. My muddled point is: Know your limits, dumb ass. Oh and stop dancing like a spaz. Class dismissed.

Haley Scarnato
Performed: "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion
I really have nothing to say other than that I vote Haley as Most Likely to Headline a Show on the Norwegian Dawn.

Melinda Doolittle
"Since You've Been Gone" by Aretha Franklin
That kicked ass and for the rest of the season, I pity anyone who has to follow Melinda. Except maybe Lakisha Jones. Oh man, can you imagine a duet between those two?!?

Alaina Alexander
Performed: "Brass in Pocket" by The Pretenders
What did The Pretenders ever do to you, Alaina? Clearly something very wrong judging by the way you shit all over one of their best songs. Shameful! But even worse than that sin, if you can imagine it, were your dopey rim shot and "Call me!" gestures. Unforgivable. It's official: I hate you and you look like one of the chicks from Kissing Jessica Stein and I hate that movie too. In other words, I've got it in for you.

Gina Glocksen
Performed: "All By Myself" by Celine Dion
I'm not really feeling Gina. Although, she was perhaps the one white girl of the evening who didn't suck total ass. I can't say I hate her but like Blake, she could easily venture into asshole territory. Proceed with caution, Gina, or you'll end up like Alaina and really, is there a worse fate than being on Curly McDimple's Shit List? I think not.

Lakisha Jones
Performed: "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holiday
That was hot. It will be really interesting though to see how Lakisha handles the weekly themes, particularly country music. Lakisha can blow but I'm curious to see if she can dial down the big voice and deliver a more subtle performance here and there. Wow, I just sounded all fancy and professional and shit. If no one else, I just impressed myself.

Predictions:
Say goodbye to Hollywood, Nicole Tranquillo and Amy Krebs.

More Thoughts

You know what's funny? Going into the semifinals, I really thought we had a lot of strong boys and a lot of weak girls. Turns out, that's not the case, because the girls rocked the motherfucking house last night! I agree with Mejack on the NADS thing, too. Here's my rundown:

Stephanie Edwards, "How Come You Don't Call Me": I seem to be the only one who thought this, but it felt like her lyrics weren't in the right place. Like, she was either singing too fast or too slow. Overall, though, I thought she did a good job.

Amy Krebs, "I Can't Make You Love Me": Who? What? I'm sorry, but I don't remember this Amy Krebs person you speak of.

Leslie Hunt, "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman": I agree with Randy that the song was too big for her. I also agreed with what Simon was trying to say, which is that she seemed uncomfortable. However, I dig her voice and I dig the fact that she's super-weird, and I hope she makes it through this week and really brings it next week.

Sabrina Sloan, "Never Loved a Man the Way That I Love You": Okay, yeah, whatever. Sabrina has a great voice, she hit all the notes, and yet I really don't care. She's talented, but I don't think she has the type of personality that will really make people connect with her and want to vote for her.

Antonella Barba, "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing": Worst. Song. Choice. Ever. After hearing her butcher Aerosmith, I really think she's out of her league in the competition. Also, the local FOX news station was supposed to be doing a story about her racy photos, but they mysteriously had "technical problems" and couldn't bring us the story. They're also based in Jersey. Coincidence? Hm…

Jordin Sparks, "Gimme One Reason": Awesome. Perfect. I hope she doesn't flame out halfway through the season like Lisa Tucker, last year's baby, did.

Nicole Tranquillo, "Stay": Awful and screamy and scary and the only thing I hated more than watching her scrunch her face up in rage was listening to her angrily shout lyrics at me. I was surprised that the judges weren't harsher. If I were Simon, I would have replaced "indulgent" with "horrifying."

Haley Scarnato, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now": Embarrassing confession: I love this song. I really do. It's a guilty pleasure. Keep in mind I listen to Pantera and Slayer and shit usually, which makes it even odder that I dig it. Anyway, I did not love it when Haley sang it. And I also scribbled this down as I was watching: What is she wearing? Is that PANTS? OMG, it's pants!

Melinda Doolittle, "Since You Been Gone": Honestly, how can you not root for Melinda Doolittle? Even the coldest, blackest of hearts (like mine) would have to warm over and brighten up when she performed. She might be the nicest person on Earth, and she's talented to boot. I tried to vote for her multiple times but couldn't get through.

Alaina Alexander, "Brass in Pocket": Alaina's cute and she has a good story, but I've never really been wowed by her vocally. Last night I thought she was just dreadful.

Gina Glocksen, "All By Myself": Hate the song, loved her. I honestly didn't think homegirl could sing like that. But WTF was Randy talking about when he said, "Big girl, big voice!" I'd hardly describe Gina as a "big" girl. Stop projecting your fatness onto others, Randy.

Lakisha Jones, "And I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going": Did anyone notice all the wink-wink-nudge-nudge between Simon and Ryan when Ryan mentioned Jennifer Hudson before this song? I thought that was interesting, and I'm sure they had a good laugh about it while they shared a post-coital cigarette. Seriously, the two of them and their flirting is out of hand this season. Anyway, Lakisha, like all the big black girls who came before her, rocked the house. She was awesome. If she doesn't start hating on the gays and preaching about Jesus like Mandisa did last season, she might stay a crowd favorite.

My predictions? Amy and Haley are going home. If I had my way, though, it would be Antonella and Alaina. Unfortunately, Dial Idol has Antonella in the top three.

girls rule

Before I get into it I have something to say to the American Idol Establishment.

ENOUGH ALREADY with the "my parents are finally proud of me" sob story. It has been DONE AND DONE AND DONE. I am OVER IT.

Thank you.

So tonight. I think it suffices to say that the girls kicked the boys squarely in the nads. IN THE NADS.


Stephanie: Started off with the weepy parents-being-proud thing which made me not want to like her but she was really very good. I am wondering if she broke her knee caps after all was said and done.


Amy : My husband said "She is wearing my grandmother's drapes" Simon said she was forgettable. And he was right. I don't remember what she sang.

Leslie: That crazy bitch scares me and her outfit was like a equestrian jumper/streetwalker hooker boots science experiment gone awry. Her dancing was weird and herky jerky. It looked like she was doing the monster mash.


Sabrina: Well done.

Antonella: Ouch. Why WHY WHY WHY did she pick that stupid Aerosmith song? That was just rough all around and the judges were brutal. I got kind of mad actually, because, as I mentioned, she does look like my cousin Carmella and I felt like they were messing with Mi Cugina.

Jordan Sparks: Way to go. Spicing up a Tracy Chapman song is like spicing up wonderbread. Stellar effort.

Nicole: What the HELL WAS THAT? My husband remarked "Look, her dad is dancing. He must have written this song". Exactly. That was painful.

Haley: Sigh. I HATE THAT SONG. This chicken lists CELINE DION as her "American Idol" on her official profile.

CELINE IS AN EVIL CANADIAN CHEST BEATING ALIEN THAT MARRIED AN EIGHTY YEAR OLD MIND CONTROLLING SVENGALI.

That, people, is NOT someone to idolize. Unless, of course, Svengali Rene's evil mind control plan is working.

Melinda: I just adore this woman. I absolutely love her. My husband declared she was his favorite and he hates everyone.


Alaina: DON'T FUCKING SING THE PRETENDERS. Just don't. No one can touch Chrissie Hynde and trying to cover one of her songs is setting yourself up for a failure of massive proportions. Simon told Alaina that she has to depend on her looks. I think his weiner was angry.

Gina: You know, she sang pretty well but I want to punch her in her smug fucking face. I don't like her at all. Maybe I will eventually change my mind about her but as of right now I think my husband summed it up nicely- he said "I would not swerve if she jumped in front of my car" Yeah.

Lakisha: You rock on with your bad self, mama. Lakisha is up in the hizzy and goddamn she turned this mother out.

Predictions?

Nicole and Amy. OUT!