Thursday News Brief

You'll have to forgive me if I'm a little light on the snark in today's news roundup. I'm still reeling from the fact that my boy, AJ Tabaldo, was sent home early tonight. That's just bullshit. I join my colleagues, Jess and Mejack, in condemning the sad state of affairs in this country. Shame on us! Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!

Here are your headlines, America, even though I have half a mind to deprive you of them entirely on account of your bad behavior tonight:

Jennifer Hudson to Be Honored in Her Hometown of Chicago
If there's any justice, AJ Tabaldo will receive a similar homecoming in Santa Maria, CA. People of Santa Maria, you best heed my advice. (People)

It's Official: Antonella's Not Getting the Boot
For those of you hoping the show would ship the rather reckless contestant back to Jersey, no such luck. Producer Nigel Lythgoe stated in a recent interview that Barba would remain on the program until the viewers voted her off.

Tonight, poor AJ Tabaldo is wondering where he went wrong. Oh right, he didn't flip off the camera repeatedly nor did he smile and say cheese whilst on the can. Silly boy! I guess he didn't want it bad enough. (National Ledger)

Katharine McPhee Spotted... Gasp!... Eating Food
The NYC gossip pages caught the Season 5 runner up dining on pineapple chicken fried rice and some awesome-sounding peanut butter dessert at Ruby Foo's this past weekend. Do you know who wasn't eating overpriced mediocre Asian food this past weekend? AJ Tabaldo, that's who! (NY Daily News)

And that's your lot, America. I hope you're satisfied.

Results Show: The Recap

Let me blog about this bullshit show while it's still fresh in my mind. America, I hate you.

First to get the ax was Nick Pedro. I predicted him to go, and in this case, I think America got it right. When he did his exit song, I thought it was really cute when he turned away from the audience and gave each of the guys handshakes. Simon was right when he said it was Nick's lack of charisma that got him voted off.

Next to go home was Alaina Alexander. This was a pleasant surprise, as I thought America would be too smitten with her cute face and pretty hair to let her go. I thought it was kind of lame how she gave up on the song halfway through, though. If I remember correctly, Ayla Brown cried through her whole exit song and still managed to rock it. Also, when Paula was delivering her parting words did the sound cut off on the actual show, or was that just my digital cable?

Then Kellie Pickler performed. As I've mentioned previously, I'm not a fan of the Pickler. And the way they had her all done up, with the weird hair and the harsh eye makeup, she looked like a washed-up, 60-year-old ex-country singer who just can't give up the karaoke bars. Also, did she get a boob job? If not, I really want to find out where she gets her bras and stock up, because her rack was awe-inducing. The song itself, I hate to admit, kind of touched me. I thought it was sad and it was sweet and I actually thought she sounded good. Good thing her rehearsed conversation with Ryan afterward about how spider sushi isn’t really spiders brought my rage back, though.

Next to go home was A.J. Tabaldo. What the fuck, America? Mejack, did you vote for Sanjaya more than you voted for A.J? If you did, then I blame you. Also, I hate that they make the losers sing the song that got them voted off. It's unnecessarily cruel.

Then, Leslie Hunt got the boot, which was no real surprise but still bummed me out because 1) I really liked her and 2) fucking Antonella is still here. Damn you, LB! I loved how she replaced the scat part of the song with this, though. "Why did I decide to scat? America don't care for jazz." Leslie and I could so hang.

Also, the Daughtry song that they play over the montage is worse than "Had a Bad Day." The latter was at least insidious enough to get stuck in my head for days. With Daughtry, I get to forget it exists and then have the same dull reminder each week.

Now, let's talk about the criers. Sundance cries a LOT. He cried when Nick got the boot. He cried when A.J. got the boot. I don't have cinematographic evidence, but I think he may have cried through the whole show. Also, you know how when something upsets a toddler, he or she stands there making that awful face while they try to decide whether or not they're going to cry? That's Sundance Head's cry face, and it ain't pretty. Also joining in the waterworks were Jordin, who teared up a little when Alaina got the boot and sobbed when Leslie did, Stephanie, who teared up when Alaina got the ax and Gina Glocksen, who pretty much just lost her shit when Leslie went. Melinda Doolittle cried when A.J. got the boot, but I wonder if that's just because she realized you can get high praise from the judges and still be sent packing on any given week.

America? Suck it. And if you keep Sanjaya and Antonella one more week, I'm moving to Canada.

The Terrorists Are Winning

I am ashamed of my country today.

How Captain Smarm stayed on the show and AJ was voted off is just reprehensible, America. Shame on you. I did not expect AJ to win but I thought he would go farther than this.

I can't watch the elimination shows. Seriously. I need like some xanax or something.
Tonight I got 3 out of 4 eliminations correct but I don't feel good about it. Not one bit. I should just stop watching the eliminations and have someone tell me the results when it's over.

Oh yeah- and SPIDER FUCKING SUSHI was not all all contrived. NOT AT ALL. Duh.

update: Holy Shit- I just realized that I did not, in fact get 3 out of 4- I got 2 out of 4. I confused Alaina with Haley. They are the girls that suck heartily and Haley is gone next week so it really doesn't matter. Oh, and Jess- I gave Sanjaya two sympathy votes but I sent many, many votes for AJ. So you can bite me.

Top 20: The Boys

Well, that was boring! I set out to write my usual pissy recap of the episode and well... I got nothing. With the exception of the enormous bulge in Jared Cotter's pants, nothing really stood out. And boy, did that stand out! Was he smuggling watermelons or something? While historically I have little to no interest in the male organ, I am impressed with Jared's package nonetheless. Too bad I can't say the same for his singing.

Phil Stacey
Performed: "I Ain't Missing You" by John Waite
Boooooooooooooooooooooooring.

Jared Cotter
Performed: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
I couldn't really concentrate on Jared's vocals between his ridiculous emoting and that enormous penis protruding through his pants. Despite its impressive stature, I don't think it's enough to save him. See ya, Jared.

AJ Tabaldo
Performed: "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone
Love him. 'Nuff said.

Sanjaya Malakar
Performed: "Steppin' Out" by Tony Bennett
Oh, Sanjaya. Yet another rotten song choice, no doubt selected by sissy. And you pulled your hair back into a ponytail, an obvious rejection of my offer to brush it. Why do you have to break my heart like this?

Chris Sligh
Performed: "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne
Chris did really well. I have no beef with his performance or his banter with the judges this week. Although, I will say that with my dark plastic frames and head of curls, Chris offers a warning to me to keep my weight in check. I could easily look like his twin sister if I don't lay off the pasta. Methinks I'll have a Slim Fast for lunch and a sensible dinner today. Thanks for the inadvertent glimpse into the future, Chris!

Nick Pedro
Performed: "Fever" by Peggy Lee
I won't waste my time with a critique since he's going home.

Blake Lewis
Performed: "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai
Not too shabby. I really love his song choices. Maybe he can mentor Sanjaya.

Brandon Rogers
Performed: "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper
God, that sucked. It was nothing more than a background vocal disguised as a lead. Oh, and I think I'm pregnant thanks to Brandon's continued camera fucking. Next week, I'm going to have a rape whistle on hand when I watch the program.

Chris Richardson
Performed: "Geek In The Pink" by Jason Mraz
Sure, Chris's dance moves and up-tempo song selection were similar to last week but I.don't.care. He's still my favorite.

Sundance Head
Performed: "Mustang Sally" by Mack Rice
Despite his family's advice to be less "crappy," this week's performance failed to get Sundance out of the shitty zone. It proves that he's not only a singer of questionable talent, but also a miserable failure for a son.

Predictions: Bye, Nick Pedro! Pack your weiner and go, Jared.

mejack recap

Not really impressed yet. At all. Some thoughts on last night's performances:




Rudy: Dude. Free Ride? Really? You can see that this guy made a stellar effort but all that song did for me was make me want to look for my copy of "Dazed and Confused" to watch after the show was over.

Brandon: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP TRYING TO SEX UP THE CAMERA. This guy has a foxy Lenny Kravitz/D'Angelo thing going on but he is NOT going to gain my affections by making fuck me eyes at the camera. All I could think about was all the people who watch this show- like mothers and grandmothers- and that he was, for all intents and purposes, making sexy eyes at my mom. GROSS.

Sundance: Now this guy was an early favorite of mine but he has pretty much sucked since his first audition. Last night was no exception. I felt bad for him. If he makes it through he has to seriously kick some ass.

Paul Kim: Ok. first of all don't come out and say "Come On Y'all!" to the audience like you are going to sing some great crowd pleasing anthem and then break out "Careless Whisper". Just don't. Boooooooo.

Chris Richardson: I'm not seeing the appeal. He reminds me of my lab partner from high school. He seems like a very nice guy but he is awfully vanilla. I guess his performance was ok but I agree with Simon that his voice was not big enough.

Nick: Big smarmy, sissypants. Ew.

Blake: Right now he is my favorite. Go Blake. I will say however, that I don't think he gave as great a performance as the judges said- but then again everyone pretty much blew ass so I guess his was good in comparison.

Sanjaya: I felt bad for this kid. The judges were way harsh. He has such a nice face I got upset when they were so mean to him. I did not think his song was that much worse than the others. I voted for him.

Chris Sligh: Probably NOT the best idea to rip on Simon (and make him UNCOMFORTABLE) but still- this guy is hilarious. His song was ok. I still can't help but think of Jack Osbourne when I see him.

(Sidenote- Simon can dish it out but TOTALLY can't take it. HA. Don't worry Simon, you are still my homeslice)

Jared: Blah. Lite FM

AJ: I loved AJ. I honestly think he was the best.

Phil: I don't know what it is about this guy that freaks me out. His voice is pretty good but he has those weird bug eyes. I also think it's pretty sad that he chose to stay at the auditions while his wife was in labor. I have to say that if my husband missed the birth of our baby because he was trying out for American Idol he would never make it to Hollywood because he would be DEAD.


All in all, I am not really loving any of these guys. No one totally nailed any of their songs. I would say AJ came the closest but then again what do I know.

predictions: Rudy, Paul OUT

Top 12 Boys: The Recap

Mmm... Top 24. We finally made it. Gawd, it took long enough. But far be it from me to be a further cock tease so let's get down to business. Here's how the Top 12 boys fared tonight:

Rudy Cardenas
Peformed: "Free Ride" by The Edgar Winter Group
Oh my God, that was horrendous. Dude, Randy, the ass munch to end all ass munches, called you "corny." How can you ever recover? You can't. Leave now. Don't even show up for the results show. Seriously, go.

Brandon Rogers
Peformed: "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson
Brandon is this season's official Camera Fucker. He follows in the footsteps of Justin Guarini, Constantine Maroulis and Ace "Lookie at My Scar" Young. Um... not exactly the best company to be keeping, Brandon. But you seem like a nice fella so I'll spare you a bitch slap, even though your song sucked ass. Do better next week. Might I suggest less camera fucking and more note hitting? Give it a whirl, why don't ya?

Sundance Head
Peformed: "Nights in White Satin" by The Moody Blues
Oh, Vagina Beard... what a horrific mess you've become! I believe Simon summed it up best: "I don't like you tonight." Actually, I wasn't too keen on you during the Hollywood Week neither. What the hell happened to you?!

Several weeks back I likened Sundance to Meat Loaf because I think they're both fat fucks. Little did I realize back then that the comparison would run much deeper than dimpled flab.

In tonight's outing, Sundance affected a Meat Loaf-like yelp as well as some dramatic hand gestures and flourishes for good measure. All that was missing was the handkerchief and that chick with the black curly hair who sing-talks to Meat Loaf in several songs on the Bat Out of Hell album. Speaking of which... don't get any ideas, Sundance! Take my advice and stay away from "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" or ew, "Heaven Can Wait." Nothing good can come of it. And don't get any fancy ideas about singing Styx or Blue Oyster Cult neither. You've been warned.

Paul Kim
Peformed: "Careless Whisper" by Wham!
Yet another train wreck. Not the most auspicious start to the season, I must say. Paul not only irritated my ear drums with his attempted falsetto, but he also incurred my wrath by executing the dreaded "touch the pretend headphone" gesture mid-screech. There's nothing in your ear, shit head. But if I had my way, my foot would be. Stop the pantomiming! And get yourself some shoes! No one wants to see your gnarly bare feet.

Actually, I take that back. Don't heed my generous and helpful advice. You bore and sicken me simultaneously. Be gone.

Chris Richardson
Peformed: "I Don't Want To Be" by Gavin Degraw
I love.. no, ADORE Chris. His song was nowhere near perfect but he's adorable and looks like he's having fun and totally enjoying the experience. He could very well be my favorite this season. Chris will be treated with kid gloves by me. Anyone who dares besmirch his good name will know no such dispensation. I'll house your ass(es).

Nick Pedro
Peformed: "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx
Nick gets points for saying "Vote for Pedro" instead of doing the annoying "Call me!" gesture at the end of his performance but I have to immediately retract those points because he sang a Richard Marx song. Don't do that ever again, Nick. Ever.

Blake Lewis
Peformed: "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane
I love that Blake selected a Keane song. I was worried that he'd bust out the beat box yet again but he pleasantly surprised me with his song choice and competent delivery. I'm still a bit iffy about his personality but I won't quite add him to my shit list just yet. However, he does have serious dickhead potential. He could easily become a loathsome figure. The jury's still out but as far as tonight goes, he's okay by me.

Sanjaya Malakar
Peformed: "Knocks Me Off My Feet" by Stevie Wonder

Dear Sanjaya,
Don't let your sister select your songs anymore... because she clearly hates and resents you. I, however, do not. Nor does Jess. She sent me a text message during the show informing me that she "[wants] to smush" you. No, don't be scared! It's a good thing. It's similar to her desire to eat cute babies and crush the skulls of adorable puppies. No really, it's a compliment! We both think you're adorable. Say, can I brush your hair? Wait, why are you crying? Come back! It's okay. We mean you no harm. Come baaaaaaaaaaack! Resist your sister!

Chis Sligh
Peformed: "Typical" by Mute Math
I like Chris. I really, really do but I didn't quite care for his backtalk to Simon tonight. Insolence does not suit him, particularly when it sounds rehearsed. I like my barbs and comebacks sharp and quick-witted, which his usually are. Don't be so cheeky, Chris.

Jared Cotter
Peformed: "Back at One" by Brian McKnight
I did not enjoy this performance. Hell, I don't even remember enough about it to write something snotty. So I won't. God, I love editorial freedom.

A.J. Tabaldo
Peformed: "Never Too Much" by Luther Vandross
I think A.J. is adorable. I didn't love his song tonight but he's exuberant and eager and well, even a cranky beeyotch like me can recognize that. Good luck, A.J.

Phil Stacey
Peformed: "I Could Not Ask for More" by Edwin McCain
This is perhaps the most bipolar performance I've ever witnessed, ever. It started out in the shit house and found its way to fucking awesome before long. Also, I think Phil is kind of a doofus but I dig the way he graciously and wisely listened to Simon's critique. He's a good boy.

Wow, I'm getting soft. Actually, no, it's just fatigue setting in. It's late and I appear to be running low on my piss and vinegar reserves. We can't have that! I'll be good and tanked up for tomorrow night's take down of the girls. But, before I go...

Predictions
Because two contestants are sent home in this round, I'll forgo the usual Bottom Three prediction and cut right to the chase. I predict Rudy Cardenas and Paul Kim will be the first to get the boot. Good riddance!